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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 21, Issue 4 9/12/12 - 9/19/12
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Left Behind at the Republican and Democratic National Conventions Rebecca Jacobs wrote this
Janitor Report #324,521 – 2012 Republican National Convention and 2012 Democratic National Convention Name: Mr. Offal Muck Notes From the Janitor: Let’s just say it wasn’t the usual crud. Normally I just sweep up copious amounts of cocaine left in the bathroom and red, white, and blue confetti off the auditorium floor, but this year I found some rather unusual items. I know this violates janitor-trash confidentiality, but I must inform the nation of what I found at these past conventions, for one man’s trash is another man’s deciding factor in the voting booth come November. Inventory: 1 Ronald Reagan hologram: Unofficial reports have been circulating of a seemingly translucent image of deceased president Ronald Reagan wandering the malls and strip clubs in Tampa. With Tupac making his hologram reappearance months ago thanks to the hard work of Mr. Snoop Dogg, it’s only fitting that the Republican party would do the same for their hero. While the hologram was surely a big hit at the RNC, the image of Ronald Reagan was never turned off and now wanders around like a ghost, spooking the elderly residents of Tampa into believing that their grandchildren are on drugs and that the Russians are spying on them. 1 decrepit birth certificate stapled to 1 expired lottery ticket: The genuine copy of President Barack Obama’s birth certificate was found lying in a dark corner of the Democratic Convention. It must’ve been recovered after falling out of the president’s fanny pack as he was continually distracted by the first lady’s “right to bare arms.” We found a Powerball ticket stapled to the birth certificate. Jump all over this, FOX News! It appears the president has fallen into such a deep pit of desperation he’s resorted to gambling his hardearned money away rather than putting his confidence in his reelection campaign. 69 inappropriate notecards: All sixty-nine notecards are initialed “JB” and are covered with inky fingerprints. After run-
confessions of a campus house pet so this is why they shit on your carpet.
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ning a thorough search of possible “JB” names, including Justin Bieber, Justice Beaver, and James Bond, I came to the conclusion that, due to the gross and tasteless doodles on the cards, they must have belonged to vice president Joe Biden. Unsurprisingly, each card is scribbled with endless gaffes, destined for future speeches into the year 2016. 1 stained blue dress: This dress is like homing jizzum. Wherever Bill Clinton appears, so does this dress. That's one stain that will never come out no matter how great a speech the former president gives, if the Republicans have anything to say about it. You just keep talking at the podium, former President Clinton, and we’ll pretend like we didn’t notice.
what’s inside
2 bedazzled iPods: Steve Jobs must be giggling in his grave as Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan make lame jokes about how tasteless each other’s iPod playlists are. Oh, that is just too funny, almost as funny as the growing list of musical artists demanding the Republican campaign to not use their music anymore. On these iPods we found some odd playlists, including “Poor People Music” and “Poor White People Music.” The top played song on one of the iPods was “Relax” by Frankie Goes to Hollywood, and the other one included an album of Mitt Romney singing over songs by The Presidents of the United States of America. Let’s just say these two won’t be hired as collaborators of an edition of the NOW CD franchise anytime soon.
continued on page 19
frat log: an evening at muprhy's pub
the benefits of being a jersey chaser
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a stranger, on a bender, in a strange land.
even if our football team sucks, they'll still blow 'em.
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contents
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
page 7
page 7: the flight of the femmings
they came, you came, now they're gone for another year.
page 9: senior upset rain didn't ruin plans hoping for rain? a little ironic, donch'a think?
page 18
page 16: bartenders of the week
kim talks about roofie-ing derrick rose.
page 18: obama fails to leave oval office after reddit ama
Table of
it turned him into the commander in chiefed.
page 18: from the streets
how do you feel about the new wendy's that's coming to campus?
page 21: the black sheep interviews: the hood internet check out these mashup masters at the canopy club on september 19th!
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Meet The Staff
Find Us At...
Managing Editor Mike Benson
pr manageRs Abbie, Colin, and Chloe
copy Editor Katelyn Lilly
photographer Caitlin Chrzanowski
Advertising Manager Eric Blokel
campus director Brendan Bonham
distribution Managers Sean Lyman, Pat Hamill
owner Atish Doshi
Contributing Writers Kevin Hanes | Rebecca Jacobs Morgan Foster | Molly Forrest Aaron Toch | Michael Rottar Alexander Dimaris | Colin O'Keefe Ashley Perl
Founders Atish Doshi & Derek Chin
Disclaimer
Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com
The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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! k e e W e h t f o c i P
Dear Mike, I was thinking about starting a band on campus. I like punk rock and also a little ska, but I don’t care what kind of music I play. I just want to start a band that will get me the most amount of puss. Any suggestions? -Horneyguitar69 Dear wise businessman, If you want to know what kind of music attracts the most amount of girls, you simply need to research some music videos. You said yourself that you like punk. Great music, but if you look at a punk rock music video what do you see? Dudes. Sweaty dudes. Seriously, the only attractive girl in the punk rock world is Tom Gabel from Against Me! Ska is the same way, except the dudes in those videos are wearing suits instead of being shirtless. Any kind of classic rock or funk video just includes Lord of The Rings imagery, and you won’t find any girls in a death metal video unless you’re into necrophilia. There are only two types of music that both worship and are worshiped by women: rap and hair metal. Look at any video by Def Leppard or Mötley Crüe, and all you see is smoking babes with enormous hair and spandex. Watch any video by any rapper who has ever existed, and all you will see is gorgeous women with huge cans being showered in champagne. So if you want to get the most amount pussy out of one band, the only logical thing to do is to combine rap and hair metal. Put simply: Limp Bizkit cover band. Sincerely, Mr. Editor
Sexy Anagrams
A Safari Grove
Do you know who these hotties are? Send your answers to anagrams@theblacksheeponline.com First five right answers get a prize!
Each Honk Trust last week’s answers
Amber Heard & Taylor Kitsch
This ratio looks a little bit off... (Want to be famous next week? Awesome.) Send us your pic of the week at pics@theblacksheeponline.com
word of the week Spinsturd:
A piece of poop that wraps all the way around the bowl of a toilet.
“Hey Jeff, come look at this spinsturd I dropped after eating all that cheese!”
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the flight of the femmings Colin McIreland wrote this They came in waves, like the monsoon rains after a scorching dry summer. In droves, like so many pheasants scared out of the brush, ready for the slaughter. The femmings were back in season. The sidewalks were awash with tacky neon, leggings, tank tops, and spaghetti tops. They traveled in packs, these femmings, to avoid being picked off by predators hiding in alleyways, frat houses, or *shudder* off campus. The pack mentality inevitably led to one of many watering holes, be it Joe’s, Cly’s, or Red Lion. Initially, the femmings developed a thriving community in homeostasis with those around them. Drinks are procured, conversations are had, saliva is exchanged. However, as the clock strikes twelve the evening takes a nasty turn - where the weak are killed and eaten. Ultimately, the femmings would break apart, leaving the slow and weaker members to be picked off one at a time, until only a skeleton crew remains to drudge the long walk home to the safety of the Six Pack, if any remain at all. Those that were left behind were forgotten, or, if they were to turn up again the following day, shunned. These were good times for the nomadic hunters, growing fat off the bounty of the land. After the long, gameless summer, the hunters were ready. It had been three long months of sharpening their spears, fantasizing about what beast they’d bring home to the cave this year. They’d subsisted on a meager diet of large, unappealing manatees or, in times of ultimate need, a townie or two. The manatees left them hungry; unsated. The townies left them with crabs. But the herds were back, and the hunting was prime. As with all awesome things, this was both expensive and short-lived. The femmings had disappeared.
For what few that survived the summer drought and the Rush Week (as the femmings call it) drought, life was on the rise. The femmings hadn’t returned, nor would they, until their ranks were swelled with a surplus of stupid 18 year-olds that flooded campus every fall. However, in their place emerged a thriving population of sorostitutes. They weren’t as easy game, nor were they as... clean (read: riddled with AIDS) but to the starved hunters, they looked like a mirage.
Where once there were hordes, now were trampled Solo cups, used condoms, and crumpled up, half-read (but thoroughly enjoyed) editions of Illinois’ premiere paper - The Black Sheep. The femmings were gone. Although this phenomenon happens every year, it is still regarded as the blackest of magic, turning a thriving watering hole ripe with potential femming targets into a barren wasteland, with the stale scent of cigarettes, vomit, and perfume the only suggestion of the bounty that had been present.
At first glance, it is difficult to identify a sorostitute from a femming, though there are several key indicators that will help a novice hunter. First, sorostitutes follow the same mentality as the most violent urban city gangs unite under a common, ubiquitous banner, and patch it all over your body. Second, the ubiquitous “poof” hairstyle indicates a direct correlation to height of poof to level of sorostitution (hPf = lSr.) Finally, the sorostitute is an accomplished hunter in addition to being a plentiful source of prey. They are familiar with their hunters, and have come to live in a daily state of cat-and-mouse, or pussy-and-johnson. In order to take this beast down, it requires cunning, tactics, and above all else, a frat-house (substitute for frat-house can be piles and piles of money).
Mid-evening the hunters emerged from their caves tired, hungry, and craving soft-curved companions. The first few deserted blocks were met with laughter, boasting, and some modest explanation as to where the femmings had gone. Over the next five blocks, however, morale would drop, tensions would rise, and the nomads would realize a sad fact: the femmings were gone. The frat-tards and hipster hunters were eradicated, starving when what little game remained was snatched away time and time again.
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The drought is over, but the hunting will not reach the levels of the flemming rush for a long, long time. Eventually, even the sorostitutes will fade away, losing themselves in frat orgies, exchanges, and meaningless conversations until inevitable pregnancy. So go, young hunter, go forth and take chances, wear condoms, and just fucking talk to her already.
o u r Y F k o a o ll Confessions B
of a Campus House Pet kitty kat wrote this
I’ve always been your typical fat cat who enjoys naps near an open window and tossing my felt mouse from paw to paw. I’m not one for snuggling or purring against the ear. I’m a lush for catnip and a good roll in kitty litter, but other than that, I’m not the friendliest pussy around. Regardless, my owner Hillary hasn’t gone one day without planting a sickening kiss on top of my head or hugging me into oblivion before bed. That’s why I almost gagged on a hair ball the day that she brought me off to college with her for her sophomore year. Between her homework and part-time job at Murphy’s, she barely had time to keep my milk bowl full. Bitch. So I was surprised when she brought somebody new home: an ugly, furry bunny. That hideous thing had beady, red eyes, and it couldn’t aim its piss to save its life. One day I was lounging and watching a stoned Hillary force-feed that fuzzy asshole some crisp baby carrots. Within seconds, it started choking until it eventually flopped over and remained motionless. Hillary looked sad for a few minutes, but then scooped up the body, tossed it in an empty plastic bag, and brought it out to the dumpster.
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A few days later Hillary bought a squirrely little hamster. It lasted for a week or so until one night when Hillary came home from the bars with a half empty beer bottle. She didn’t know it, but I saw exactly what that sneaky girl did. With an evil glint in her eye, she emptied the remains of the bottle right into the hamster’s dish and coaxed him to take a drink. After a few minutes, the pathetic thing swayed right to left and collapsed. This time there was no mourning; Hillary picked it up barehanded and tossed it in the trash. I started to grow concerned. Were these just careless accidents or something more? Was an intoxicated college student really capable of taking care of another being, when she really couldn’t take care of herself? I found myself growing restless and anxious when I was alone in the apartment with her. I flinched at any noise I heard, and flickers of light across the wall sent me flying. Just the sight of Hillary caused my fur to rise. Was she coming for me next? Just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, Hillary brought home a puppy. Normally I hate those damn yappy things, but I felt bad because I knew what was coming. Hillary hosted a party, and the place was wall-to-wall with people. The dog was annoying, humping random legs and licking people’s toes. Hillary shut him up in the bedroom with me and threw a plastic cup at him for a toy. Within minutes the dog had ripped it apart and swallowed every last inch of plastic. A few gags, a whimper, then nothing. I sat frozen on the bed, terrified. Later, when Hillary found his body, she just kicked it out of the way, under her bed. After Hillary passed out I snuck under the bed to give the puppy a proper burial. The puppy was still alive, but was bleeding profusely from his mouth and anus caused by internal lacerations from the jagged pieces of Solo cup. I asked him if he had trouble breathing because of the blood coming from his mouth. He said he wasn’t actually bleeding from the mouth, but had earlier attempted to eat his anus blood, mistaking it for runny diarrhea. At this point I remembered why I hated dogs so much. However, what he said next will remain with me until the day I die. He said, “I just don’t understand why college students buy animals that they are only going to neglect. Don’t they realize that they are assholes? Total assholes?” and then closed his eyes.
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Sex & the CU: Advice from the Middle Ages The Round Mound of Surround-Sound wrote this Chivalry has gone the way of rock music and Princess Diana. In other words, it’s dead. We can't agree on who killed it, but we all long to return to that simpler time. A time filled with premature deaths, inexplicable diseases, and never ending wars. You know, when men were truly gentle. Women are always looking for their knight in shining armor to treat them like princesses. But fear not dear reader, it is not impossible to provide them exactly with that; here are some easy ways you can bring back chivalry and get those chastity belts dropping in no time. The first step of being a chivalrous gentleman is dressing the part. A simple chainmail suit slung over whatever ironic t-shirt you’re wearing today is the simplest and classiest decision. You also can't forget to bring out your broadsword and sheath, complete with a fun background story for how you got your sword. Tell people you slayed a dragon right as it was about to bite off your Lord’s head. With your new duds, you will certainly notice people giving you some strange looks as you march around campus. Don't be alarmed; those are merely looks of fear and admiration. You probably aren't used to them considering you’re so used to being a nobody. True gentlemen always greet ladies by dropping down to one knee and kissing their hand. If you are ever out with a lovely woman and someone begins grinding on her, immediately cut in and begin slow dancing with her (regardless of the song) with a minimum of one and a half feet in
between your bodies. She'll thank you for it later. Also, if push comes to shove, you must be ready to duel for her honor. Don't worry, you'll have a clear advantage seeing as you’re the only guy on campus with a broadsword. Always have an antiquated poem on hand. It helps if you can write one of your own, but it is more practical to pick something that doesn’t suck. Above all, you should treat every woman you ever meet as the first and last woman you are ever going to see. So go ahead and let the first words that fly out of your mouth be, “I love you.” Remember, there is nothing a woman loves more than unearned and undeserved admiration. If you want a real chance of bedding one of the finest damsels on campus, you need to get your estate in order. If you don’t already own plots of land and an army of eager serfs to do your bidding, then what are you waiting for? Everyone knows that the one constant in human history is that land equals power. You must first buy a farm and fill it with some trustworthy serfs that will work for nothing but a roof over their heads and blankets free of smallpox. This might require a trip down to the border, but it’ll be worth it in the end. Now that you finally have your lady wedded, you can get her bedded. Remember to keep it simple in the bedroom and always make sure you finish before she does. If she ever gets too experimental in bed and asks for oral or anal, simply smack her over the head with a stack of
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Bibles and remind her that marriage is for making babies and nothing else. If a woman rejects your sexual advances then she is obviously a witch, and you should terminate the romance immediately. Alert the nearest church, and they will promptly send over an angry mob bearing torches and the wrath of God. To test her witch-hood, simply tie her to heavy rocks and drop her in the middle of the ocean. If she drowns, she’s a witch because the lord didn’t save her. If she floats, than she is obviously using her witchy powers to spit in the face of God's natural laws of buoyancy. Either way you leave with your dignity and ego intact. It goes without saying that it is never, under any circumstances acceptable to force yourself on a woman … unless you have a more reputable family than her, in which case you can just go ahead. No one is going to listen to a peasant in court.
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Frat Log: An Evening at Murphy’s Pub Fratric Swayze wrote this
4:37 p.m.: As I return to the Frat Castle from class, I notice the dryness in my throat and the non-hangover headache in my head. I decide it is time for a casual pint to get a light buzz going before the night’s festivities. 9:02 p.m.: I’ve already texted a bunch of girls to see what their plans are for the night. Some of them aren’t really that hot, but I always have to keep my options open. My newest slam piece said that she will be at some bar called Murphy’s. I’ve never even heard of it so it’s probably out there by Canopy or something. She’s a G.D.I., but it’s okay, her boobs are double Deltas. 10:37 p.m.: I stumble out of my house and use the directions my slam piece gave me. Then, like freshman tail, Murphy’s magically appears in front of me on Green Street. I look at the huddle of people waiting outside of the door, and I am immediately confused. Where are all the short skirts and high heels? More importantly, where is the V.I.P. line? I haven’t stood in line since freshman year, and I’m not about to start that again. 10:38 p.m.: Waiting in line, I’ve pulled my backwards snapback forward to hide my face. As the line gets closer and closer to the door, my nostrils fill with the smell of … nothing. Where is the rotting stench of vomit and sweat? I also notice odd sounds coming from the sound system. It sounds like…guitars? And non-electric drums? Where is the womping? Where are the dirty, filthy beats? My god, where am I? 10:45 p.m.: After waiting for like, four minutes, I'm finally in. I step up to the bar rather smoothly, my feet didn’t even stick to the floor. Weird. I order a double whiskey Coke. The bartender says it will be four dollars. I tell him that he’s made a mistake, and I only wanted one. He says that is the price for one. I look around the bar and don’t recognize
anyone working and charge the drink to my dad’s credit card. He hands the drink to me in a glass. Like, a real glass made out of glass. Now I’m really confused. 10:54 p.m.: I look around and realize I may be out of my element. I realize that I need to get (more) drunk and quick. I begin to scoop the ice out of my drink and throw it on the floor. I catch awkward glances through thickrimmed glasses. Apparently people don’t ice out here. But then again it looks like everyone is drinking some weird, wheat-y draft beers anyway. Why is nobody pounding pitchers? I down the rest of my whiskey Coke and look for the rafters to do some pull-ups. I’ll take this bar to the next level all by myself. By the way, what’s taking this girl so long to get here? 11:02 p.m.: After failing to locate rafters to successfully pull-up on, I decide to try and get some fist pumping and moshing going by the video game thing. Some large ROTC fellows give me dirty looks, but that’s cool. My bladder was full anyway. I walk to the corner and casually take out my dick. I nod politely to the table of geeds looking my way and let my flow go. Before my tank is totally empty, one of the bouncers grabs me and drags me out while I piss all over my Sperrys. What the hell is going on? Can I not piss in the middle of the bar here? I get thrown out onto Green Street and land right on top of the hobo man with the afro who manages to stay fat despite being homeless and poor. He pulls me into his box and turns me into his hot, suburban love slave. Frat stars, consider this your warning. Murphy’s is probably not the place for us, although it is a great bar for Indie guys who love to chill and talk about pale ale. We should be wise and stick to places where the drinks are free and skirts are short.
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page 9
Drinking Disorders We all have illnesses that plague us. Whether it be ADD or herpes, everybody has some baggage to carry around. Much like herpes, some illnesses only flare up occasionally. These disorders are interesting in that they only show themselves when the carrier is balls out wasted. 10. Drinkerexia: Tight skirts and belly shirts are essential to every promiscuous girl’s wardrobe. Free drinks and a casual hook-up or two depend on flat abs, not back flab. Drinkerexia happens when girls refuse to eat all day, allowing them to drink as much as their little livers can handle so they can still squeeze into those booty shorts later on. 9. Bingeopia: Sometimes a puke-and-rally is necessary, but when it’s every night, you have a problem. Unless you want your bathroom to reek worse than a frat’s dumpster after it rains, don’t invite those that can’t keep down their alcohol to your pregame.
Senior Upset Rain Didn’t Ruin Plans Aaron Toch wrote this After historic rains were predicted for Labor Day weekend, senior John Robinson went ahead and made plans with everyone he didn’t want to see. This list included familiar but annoying faces from the various RSOs he had attended only briefly throughout his tenure at school, his old roommate, co-workers from his brief stint in dining hall services, and his wellintentioned Christian friend. “I can’t believe Tom Skilling lied to me,” Robinson said, in reference to the popular weatherman featured in the Chicago Tribune. “I simply can’t believe that son of a bitch lied to me.” After barely any of the ten inches promised fell onto campus, Robinson was forced to carry out the plans he had lazily said yes to over text messaging and waste precious internet time on real, breathing people. For the first time in days, Robinson logged out of Reddit and World of Warcraft, took off his gamer headset, and stepped outside into the sunlight. “I’ve just never been able to stand hanging out with people face-to-face. Some of them are just so annoying, constantly wanting to play volleyball or get food when I’m having a relaxing day with my Netflix instant queue. Do you know what it’s like to be halfway through season three of Breaking Bad when some girl knocks on your door and forces you to go see a movie with her?” After signing up and attending various random RSOs his freshman year, Robinson was clear to stay away from Quad Day and keep his email address to himself ever since. Unfortunately, with student organizations comes student connections, and he was unable to keep former best friend Allison Carter from making plans with him this Labor Day weekend. “I’m so happy I got to spend my Labor Day with John,” Carter said. “We had been mean-
ing to hang out, but things always came up, and he was always busy. Now, with nothing in our way, we spent eight hours talking! It was 503 minutes, to be precise. I timed it.” “I think the most important thing with Allison, I realized this weekend, is just because somebody is the opposite gender, it does not mean you have to carve time out of your weekend to talk to them. It’s not like we’re dating or even good friends or anything,” a bleary-eyed John said. “Especially if that girl is Allison Carter.” Despite not returning any of her emails all summer break, Robinson was still confident that Allison would find a way to hang out with him. He had been banking on the rain to thwart any chance of that happening, which of course failed to come into fruition. “Am I mad at God?” Robinson rhetorically asked. “No. Then, my Christian friend would get involved, and oh man, would I need rain then.”
8. Uno Donengitis: Lightweights may consider themselves a cheap date, but they’re really just a major liability. If they even make it to the bars don’t expect to see them on their feet for long; they’ll be passed out in the corner or have their head in the toilet. No one likes babysitting. 7. Sobriety: No clever names here. If you haven’t gone to a bar or beer bonged at least one crappy Keystone yet, put your damn book down, get a life, and start slamming some shots. 6. Poseritis: If you’re not drunk, don’t act like it. Not only is it annoying and obvious to everyone around, but you will lose any invites for future ragers. Just like an orgasm, actually getting drunk is a lot more fun than faking it. 5. Slutsalys: Saying, “I normally wouldn’t go this far, but I’m like, really drunk,” is music to anything with a dick. Alcohol turns the most conservative girls into wannabe whores. Most of the time these chicks know exactly what they’re doing, but pretend it’s the alcohol acting so they can still keep their innocence. 4. Hide-and-Go-Drunksis: This person tends to wander after a few drinks, leaving their friends behind. No one ever knows where this person goes off to, and the culprit doesn’t know either. Every weekend they wonder why they woke up on the lawn of some shady apartment complex in the middle of Urbana with bruised knees, smelling like a mix of greasy pizza and vomit. 3. Adderallian Syndrome: Imagine Richard Simmons drunk, without all that spandex. These are the freaks you see sprinting to the bar or bouncing around on the dance floor like they’re totally geeked out. Slow your roll, bro. No one wants to see you standing on a table and making an ass of yourself, singing and dancing for hours. 2. Macho Mania: His recipe says, “Add alcohol for instant asshole.” This guy isn’t swoll, but alcohol makes him grow beer muscles and a fighter’s mindset. If you drink with him, prepare for a brawl; this tool will start one. Let him get his ass kicked real good, and those beer muscles will deflate faster than an engineer’s blow up doll.
Fraternizing with several former co-workers was the final plan in Robinson’s weekend that he was hoping would be ruined. After the sun reared its ugly head, Robinson had no choice but to join his friends for a meeting at the Union. “They wanted to go bowling,” Robinson said. “I’m pretty thankful that I ’accidentally’ left my wallet at home. One of them offered to pay for me, but I made another lame excuse about those smelly bowling shoes give me the heebie-jeebies.” Although he has received happy, smiley face texts from all his friends about how happy they were to see him this weekend, Robinson still feels dissatisfied and slightly violated by Tom Skilling. In a world where weathermen are held accountable, such a horrific weekend may not have happened. But until that happens, plans made under the forecast of bad weather must be thought over with extreme trepidation.
1. Goggle-opia: This disorder makes the heifers and butter-faces instant dimes. It can also cause one to meet the stage-five clingers, stalkers or just plain freaks. You might not remember hooking up with this mistake, but they’ll remember you. Expect an instant friend request and your phone to blow up with messages for the next few weeks.
kimberly ann wrote this
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the Benefits of Being a Jersey Chaser Jaclyn Martin wrote this Now that glorious football season is gracing us with its presence, it is once again time for tailgates, block, booze, and, most notoriously, jersey chasers. Unfortunately, since football is not U of I’s strong suit, celebratory parties will be traded for sloppy blackouts, and athletes will be turning to desperate girls for gratification. It is time to realize why jersey chasers exist and why their way of living ain’t so bad after all. When fooling around with an athlete it is impossible to feel self-conscious. The average football player is over 6’3” and weighs at least 220 pounds. Your not-so-six pack and your not-so-toned buttocks are overshadowed by his copious amounts of muscular mass. It doesn’t matter if you drunk munched an entire pizza and decided to shack. You’ll still feel like a cute, little peanut next to your jolly blue and orange giant. The less stable, more self-conscious girls will go after athletes solely because of their practice schedules. Athletes tend to have two-a-days that keep most of them from going out on the weekdays. This is another plus for macking on an athlete, because temptations and cheating are limited to the weekends, which is just enough to keep your blood pressure and paranoia intact. You can tone your jealousy down a bit; now you only have to stalk him two days out of the week instead of all seven! If you have ever seriously quoted a sappy song lyric on a significant other’s Facebook page or threatened an ex with violence, dating
an athlete is a good goal for you to have. The next benefit goes out to all the white girls who have been deprived of culture all their life. Division I football teams tend to vary in ethnicity than most predominantly white, suburban towns. You know this would be a great way to piss off your conservative, Republican parents. Girls are always looking for a cocky asshole, and most college athletes fit this quota. Playing for a D-I school, even if the team is terrible, gives jocks a smug attitude. If you are vulnerable and have little self worth you will have no trouble finding romance in an athlete. Who cares if you’re treated like shit if he’s hot, muscular, and willing to bang, right? You will love to be ditched for the team and cheated on the reg. The next benefit of being a jersey chaser is that most athletes are large, and I’m not just talking about their weight. The ratio of baby arms to needle dicks tends to favor the athlete. Also, testosterone levels in athletes are higher due to so much male-on-male contact. They have to prove their heterosexuality and superior strength, so when they go out their targets become anything with legs, making their shlongs the size of genetically modified cucumbers. Free goodies are also good incentives to get jiggy with an athlete. For some, free tuition and extra spending money makes a very generous man. If you plan on canoodling
with a more talented jock, not only are free tickets in your future but maybe jewelry and dresses if the sex is good enough. Even if you end up with just a benchwarmer, drinks until blackout and the occasional Chipotle meal are still provided. Although a little dorky, try and snag one with a scooter. It will be the easiest way to get home from your late night rendezvous. Maybe if you’re lucky your man in uniform will go pro, and you can turn into a trophy spouse. If you are not as fortunate, one day you can get married and live off of a football coach’s salary. After all, that is the American dream isn’t it? Just remember ladies, jersey chasers are basically part of a cult, once you drink the athletic drank, there’s no turning back.
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Everyday in September: $3.50 Blue Moon 16oz Pints $4 Blue Moon 20oz Taps Fri & Sat in September: $2.50 Miller Lite Bottles!
THURSDAY: FIGURE with THE CHAOTIC GOOD, DJ SOLO and TIGORILLA
FRIDAY! Happy Hour Food Special 5pm-9pm: $3 PIZZAS!! $3 Bud Light Tallboy Cans $4 Lime-A-Rita Pitchers $3 Jameson
SUN: Big Dave's Trivia Night FREE | 7:30PM! $1 Miller High Life Drafts | $2 Miller Lite Drafts | $2 Jameson Shots $5 Red Bull Vodkas | $5 Nacho
WED 9/12
$0.15 Wings! 8PM Til They're Gone! $1.50 High Life Bottles $2 Flavored Long Islands $2 Jager Bombs
ELEPHANT REVIVAL with CHICAGO FARMER (Early Show!) THE PIANO MAN (Late Show!) Playing all your favorites! Plus, JAMES MOORE in the front room! $2 Real Long Island Iced Teas!
$4 Malibu Rum 24oz CLYBONE Drinks $2 Malibu Black or Red Rum $2 Bud Light Bottles $2 Wells $2 Absolut Vodka
Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas
THURS 9/13
$1 Wells $2 SoCo Lime Shots $2.50 SoCo, Jack Daniels & Tuaca Mixers $3 Long Islands $4 Domestic Pitchers
FIGURE with THE CHAOTIC GOOD, DJ SOLO and TIGORILLA
$2 Wells & Bud Light Bottles $3 EVERYTHING ELSE includes all Import Bottles & Liquor $3 Jager Bombs $3 Red Bull UV Vodka
Love Toy - $5 | 9:30 pm w/ Dead Possums and The Thin Souls
FRI 9/14
$1 Cherry & O Bombs $2 J채ger Bombs, $2 Wells $2.50 Miller & Coors Bottles $3 Three Olives Vodka Mixers $3 Signature Shots $7 Domestic Pitchers
GRIZ with MISS AMPHETAMINE, TRINKETZ and ATLIS
Happy Hour Food Special 5pm-9pm: $3 PIZZAS!! $3 Bud Light Tallboy Cans $4 Lime-A-Rita Pitchers $3 Jameson
Mile Nielsen - $5 | 10pm w/ Molehill 5:30 - 7:30pm - Desafinado (No Cover!)
SAT 9/15
$1 Cherry & O Bombs $2 J채ger Bombs, $2 Wells $2.50 Miller & Coors Bottles $3 Bacardi Mixers & Sign. Shots $7 Domestic Pitchers
THE UNEMPLOYED ARCHITECTS and THE HEROIC CHARADE
Open at 11am GAMEDAY! Serving Food All Day!
THE BIG NAZTY'S! $5 | 9:30pm w/ Steve Meadows Awesome Rock Covers All Night Long!
SUN 9/16
Closed
BOOTS & BOOZE: Live Country Music Every Sunday! MIDWEST AVENUE $1 Bud & Bud Light Cans $2 Jack Daniels Honey Drinks $3 Jack Daniels Drinks
$2 U CALL IT Special Guest DJ
Big Dave's Trivia Night FREE | 7:30PM! $1 Miller High Life Drafts | $2 Miller Lite Drafts | $2 Jameson Shots $5 Red Bull Vodkas | $5 Nacho
MON 9/17
MASON JAR MONDAY $3 Bud Light and Budweiser Drafts $3 Double Wells $3 Double Jack and Double Soco
** CLOSED **
$4 Lime-A-Rita Pitchers $4 Cruzan Rum Buckets $2 Cruzan Rum $2 Pinnacle Vodka
80s Night w/ DJ Mingram at 10PM $1.50 Domestic Beers $2 Well Drinks/Liquor NO COVER
TUES 9/18
CRAFT BEER NIGHT $2 Wells $2 Micro Drafts $3 Import Drafts $2 Shot of the Week
RED WANTING BLUE (Early Show!) OPEN DECKS with TIGORILLA (Late Show!) Think you're a DJ? Come spin! $2 Red Bull well drinks No Cover!
WINE NIGHT $8 Bottles of Woodbridge Wine $8 Bottles of Champagne $2 Tullamore Dew Whiskey $2 Svedka Vodka $2 Goose Island 312 Bottles
Open Mic Night - No Cover! Inside Stage
WED 9/19
$0.15 Wings! 8PM Til They're Gone! $1.50 High Life Bottles $2 Flavored Long Islands $2 Jager Bombs
THE HOOD INTERNET with BODY LANGUAGE, MY GOLD MASK and OSCILLATOR BUG
$4 Malibu Rum 24oz CLYBONE Drinks $2 Malibu Black or Red Rum $2 Bud Light Bottles $2 Wells $2 Absolut Vodka
Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas
W IN NO MOVE ET A $200 G AND CARD! GIFT
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Bicycle and Scooter Storage Convenient Grocery Store Tanning
Green Street Café 35 E. Green Street
SPECIAL NIGHT
SATURDAY: HALFWAY to St. Patricks Day Open at 9am - Serving Breakfast GREEN BEER on Tap! 11am ILLINI vs Charleston - S. Get the Brand New Firehaus Gameday Mug!
WED 9/12
Firehaus Bud Mug Night $2 Tullamore Irish Whiskey $2 Sailor Jerry 92 Proof Spiced Rum $1 SHOTS Specialty Menu! $3.99 Buffalo Chicken Sandwich 4pm-10pm
FRIDAY: DJ Delayney $4 Double Wells No Cover Before 10:30 w/ Student ID!
Wed. 9/12 Joe's Brewery's 21st BDay with Mixin Marc, DJ Speed, Dan Morrell, Ryan Pullano & Na Palm
$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe
$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken
OLD SCHOOL NIGHT! DJ Delayney and DJ Mondo Spinning! $4 Long Islands $2.50 Miller Lite NO COVER!
Come celebrate our 21st Birthday! $2 Sailor Jerry, $3 Stoli, $3 Miller/Coors Pints
Saturday! Starts at 9pm Join Us for Our Fall Block Open Mic Wednesdays, Party! DJs Spinning Outside Special Night Come Play! Awesome Drink Specials and Happy Hour $1 off all Appetizers and ½ off all Hookah’s (at GSC2) from 6-8 every day. an Ice Luge for Shots Free pool during happy hour!!! 35 E. Green Street
Open Mic Night! Wednesday Great specials, MIC Night ComeOPEN play music for your $2.50 Corona friends! $2.50 Jager Bombs $3 Strong Islands
THURS 9/13
BEARS vs PACKERS 7pm Win a Trip to Las Vegas! plus Win one of 5 Jerseys! $5 Lime-A-Rita Pitchers $3 Jack Daniels $2.50 Three Olives Vodka $3 Three Olives Bombs
$2 Domestic Bottles $4 ICB’s $3 Imports and Specialty Beers $3 Cherry Bombs $4 Pitchers of Bud and Coors Light
$3.50 White Russians $3 Any Draft $7.50 Italian Beef
UC HIP HOP CONGRESS 10pm - 2am $5 at the door Featuring 11 different artists!
Come win Bulls, Hawks, Sox Tickets during the Bears Game!
FRI 9/14
$5 Bud Light 40's $3 Captain Morgan & Beam $3 Vegas Bombs $3 Sweet Revenge Shots
$1 Off All Bourbons $2 Miller Bottles $3 Jager Bombs $3 All Octoberfest Beers $4 Strong Islands
$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy’s $5.50 Jager Bombs $7.95 Fish Sandwich
DJ Delayney $4 Double Wells No Cover Before 10:30 w/ Student ID!
Plan your party @ Joe's Call 217.384.1790 to talk to one of our party planners!
SAT 9/15
HALFWAY to St. Patricks Day Open at 9am - Serving Breakfast GREEN BEER on Tap! 11am ILLINI vs Charleston - S. Get the Brand New Firehaus Gameday Mug!
$1 Off All Bourbons $2 Miller Bottles $3 Jager Bombs $3 All Octoberfest Beers $4 Strong Islands
It's GAMEDAY! Come watch the ILLINI at Guido's!
THE MIX UP Outdoor Patio Party Featuring Hip-Hop, Bands and Bass | 19+
$2 Jager Dirty Girls, Come cheer on the ILLINI!
SUN 9/16
$2 ANYTHING Every Liquor-Domestic Beer $3.99 for 10 Haus Wings 49ers vs Lions at 7PM We have NFL Red Zone! See Every Score from Every Team!
$2 Drafts $3 All Dr’s $4 Oh Yeah’s
$3 Vodka Red Bulls $5 Coors Light & Miller Light Pitchers $5 Nachos
Free Shuttle from Wright and Daniel Every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday!
The ORIGINAL Sunday Funday! 25% off all appetizers
MON 9/17
Monday Night Football HALF PRICE APPETIZERS 4pm-10pm Broncos vs Falcons 7pm $15 Bud Light Hydrants $2 Long Islands, $3 Import/Crafts
$2 Coors and Miller Light Pints $3 Cherry bombs $3 Vodka RB $4 Double Vodka RB
$3 Jameson $2 Coors Light and Miller Light Draft 1/2 Off Apps (After 5pm) $7.50 BBQ Pork Sandwich
80s Night Has Moved to Cowboy Monkey!
MNJ $3 Stoli $2 Sailor Jerry
Karaoke Night $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Marky Bombs $4 Strong Islands
$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells $7.50 Roast Beef and Cheddar Melt
Book Your Next Party Here! 217-356-2337 highdive.gm@gmail.com
Tequila Tuesdays with DJ Fill In at 8th Grade Dance $2 Blue Moons $2 Jose Cuervo
$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe
OLD SCHOOL NIGHT! DJ Delayney and DJ Mondo Spinning! $4 Long Islands $2.50 Miller Lite NO COVER!
Wednesday Night Fights in the Beer Garden! $2 Fireball & $3 Smirnoff
TUES 9/18 WED 9/19
HALF PRICE SHARKBOWLS $2.99 Ch. Burger & Chips 4-10pm
$2 Wells featuring UV Vodka $5 Bud Light Pitchers $2 Fireball Whiskey Shots $2 Malibu Rum Firehaus Bud Mug Night $2 Tullamore Irish Whiskey $2 Sailor Jerry 92 Proof Spiced Rum $1 SHOTS Specialty Menu! $3.99 Buffalo Chicken Sandwich 4pm-10pm
Open Mic Night! Great specials, Come play music for your friends!
$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken
$3 Bud Light Drafts $3 Jager Bombs
If you don’t start following us... YOU WON’T KNOW WHAT’S SO DAMN FUNNY.
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$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports
Platinum Wednesdays $2 Bud Lt Platinum Bottles $1.50 Bud & Bud Lt. Bottles Bud Girls & Giveaways $2.50 Bacardi Drinks $3.00 Bombs
School of Beer $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Import Bottles
$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors
Bears v Packers Tailgate Party 3-8pm Beer Garden Party w/ Free Hotdogs & Brats See our Ad for ALl the Details! After: Klub Kams w/ DJ Sevlo $3.50 Blue Guys & Energy Drinks $1.50 16oz Hamm’s Cans | $2 Lite & Coors Lt. Bottles, $2 Jager Bombs, $2 Big Long Islands
Meme Glass Night! Challenge Accepted!
Collect Them All!
MONDAY: Karaoke Night! $4 Long Islands $5.50 MEGA Chburger w/ FF $4 Well Doubles $1.50 Dekuyper Shots
SAT: Halfway to Unofficial! Open at 11am to the Public $1 GREEN BEER $3 Tullamore Dew Irish Whiskey 11am: ILLINI vs Charleston Southern
LOGO GLASS DAY! $4 Pints and $2 Refills
PITCHER NIGHT $2 Natty Light Pitchers $5 Jim Beam Pitchers $5 Malibu Rum Pitchers $5 Cruzan Rum Pitchers $5 Sailor Jerry Pitchers
$5 Bacardi Doubles $2.50 Jameson Singles $2.50 B.L. Platinum, Corona, Red Stripe, Hieneken, Stella Bottles
SHACKER NIGHT Special Guest DJ! $5 24oz Shackers $2 UV Vodka $2.50 Fireball Whiskey Shots
THURS 9/13
BIG FRIDAY! $4 32oz Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms
WED 9/12
THURSDAY: Bears v Packers Tailgate Party 3-8pm Beer Garden Party w/ Free Hotdogs & Brats | Win Packers & Bears Hats, T-shits & More Chance to Win Bears Game Party Deck Tickets Drink in your Bears Pint Glass
SPECIAL NIGHT
DOWNTOWN 1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)
KAM'S
$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm
Miller Lite Cat Fights 6-8PM! DJ DASH spins the Nite $3 Captain Morgan & Cuervo Drinks $5 Hamm’s Pitchers $2 16oz Coors Lt & Lite Bottle Cans $2 Fireball & Doctor Shots $2 22oz Lite & Coors Lt Drafts
BIG FRIDAY! $4 32oz Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms
$5.50 Bacon Q Ch. Burger w/ FF $2.50 Dr. McGuillicuddy Shots $5 Skyy, Wild Turkey, Beam Dbls $2.25 Leinenkugels, Killians, Michelob Amber, & Shock Top Pints $2.75 Murphy’s Pub Stout Pints $7.50 Coor’s Light, Miller Lite, Bud & Bud Light Pitchers
Open at 5pm $1 Fatty Natty Bottles $3 Jim Beam $3 Vegas Bombs $3 Jager Bombs
FRI 9/14
$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm
ILL v Charleston Southern 11AM, Open 7am Bud Lt. Tailgate Party 8-11am Shuttle Bus to Game | $2 ILLINI Bud Lt Cans | Bud Girls & Giveaways Absolut Bloody Mary Bar $4 Absolut & Jameson Drinks
$2 Coors Light Bottles $7 Pitchers of Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms
$5.50 Mushroom MEGA Ch. Burger w/ FF $2.50 Dr. & Rum Chata Shots $5 Bacardi & Jameson Doubles $2.25 Miller Lite, Coor’s Light, Bud, & Bud Light Pints $2.75 Murphy’s Pub Stout Pints $7.50 Leine, Killians, Mich. Amber, & Shock Top Pitchers
Halfway to Unofficial! Open at 11am to the Public $1 GREEN BEER $3 Tullamore Dew Irish Whiskey 11am: ILLINI vs Charleston Southern
SAT 9/15
$2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells $5 Personal Pizzas with 2 Toppings $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders
Funday Sunday Industry Night! $2.00 Anything in the House U get It All Here!
$2.50 Coronas $3 Any Draft
Trivia Night is BACK! $4 Well Doubles FREE FRIES! $1.50 Dekuyper Burst Shots $6 Bud, Bud Lt., Miller Lite, & Coor’s Light Pitchers
$2 U CALL IT Special Guest DJ!
SUN 9/16
$1.50 High Life Drafts! $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders
Monday Nite Turn – A –Bout Guys Bartend – Girls Bounce BIG ASS DRINKS $2.00 32oz Drafts $2.00 Double Soco Drinks $4.00 Double Jack & Blue Guys Southern Comfort Girls
"Beer Lovers Night" $2 All Domestics $ 3.25 All Imports
Karaoke Night! $4 Long Islands $5.50 MEGA Chburger w/ FF $4 Well Doubles $1.50 Dekuyper Shots
$1 U CALL IT $2 Captain Morgan $2 Red Bull Vodka $4 Bud Light Lime-A-Rita Pitchers
MON 9/17
1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)
Country Nite Country Music & Bands Drinkin in Ur Mason Jar $2.00 Jim Beam & Red Stag $3.00 Blue Guys, $2.00 Sauza Jim Beam Girls
Ride the Rail $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms Drafts $3 All Other Drafts
MARTINI NIGHT! $2.25 Wild Turkey or Jim Beam Singles $4.50 Pinnacle Doubles $2 Old Style, PBR, and Schlitz Tall Boys $2.25 Dr. McGillicuddy Shots
$3 Double Wells $3 Jim Beam $3 Tullamore Dew $3 Sweet Revenge
TUES 9/18
$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports
Platinum Wednesdays $2 Bud Lt Platinum Bottles $1.50 Bud & Bud Lt. Bottles Bud Girls & Giveaways $2.50 Bacardi Drinks $3.00 Bombs
School of Beer $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Import Bottles
LOGO GLASS DAY! $4 Pints and $2 Refills
PITCHER NIGHT $2 Natty Light Pitchers $5 Jim Beam Pitchers $5 Malibu Rum Pitchers $5 Cruzan Rum Pitchers $5 Sailor Jerry Pitchers
WED 9/19
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bartenders of the week Nickname: Kimputer.
Nickname: Bro Montana.
Single/Taken/Other: Very other.
Favorite sex position: Doggy… woof woof.
Favorite Drink: Amaretto Stone Sour.
Single/Taken/Other: Taken… But could be single for the night.
Sexual Fantasy: Doin’ Bill Murray.
Sexual preference: Tig ol’ bitties.
Best thing to keep in your pocket: Bottled emotions.
Best thing to keep in your pocket: A picture of my boyfriend, Mike.
Stance on the election: Four more beers for Obama!
Best post-sex-snack: Whatever my woman will make me when we’re done.
Best pick up line: “Yo girl, them tits, they good.”
Favorite household pet: Jerry, my penis.
Best sex position: The upside down California west side bop.
Sexual fantasy: employee orgy.
How many roofies would it take to bring down Derrick Rose: Probably just 1/8 of one. I love the guy, but he’s only 3 inches tall.
kim w. white horse inn
Red
Lion
Favorite Drink: Bro Montana… Duh.
Best hair color: Translucent or neon orange.
Best memory bartending: Getting hired… and then re-hired.
Best superhero quality: Lightning slow snail speed.
If you had to name a hamster, what would you name it: T-Bro.
Biggest turn off: Gym shoes with jeans and neck-beards. Dream Job: Saving the planet with Johnny Depp as my bang-sidekick.
the drinking game
Categories
john k. the red lion
Best thing someone has said to try to get free drinks: Tits for shots! Best hair color: Hair free, please…
Recipe for Disaster
Nutter Butter French Toast
Forgive us, loyal boozers, for we have sinned. We’ve been so preoccupied with partying hard that we forgot about the pleasures of just casually drinking among friends. Do your liver a favor and try this one out.
Have you ever bit into a Nutter Butter and thought, “Wow, it doesn’t get any better than this!”? Well think again, because we’re taking your favorite buttery nuts to the next level.
What You’ll Need: Beer and beer only. Number of Players: Four or more. Level of Intoxication: You’ll get a great buzz going, so even if your alcoholic self wants to go hard, this is a good way to pregame.
What You’ll Need: Bread, bananas, peanut butter, and butter. Cook Time: As long as it takes your ex to bust a nut, so like, 10 minutes. Fatty Factor: It’ll give you a little chub, that’s for sure!
How to Play: - Grab some beers and sit around a table. - Choose a broad category, like U.S. states, colors, Adam Sandler movies, etc. - Going around the circle, each player must say a word that falls under the chosen category. For example, if “Adam Sandler movies” is the category, possible answers would be Happy Gilmore and Billy Madison. - If a player can’t think of an answer, they must drink their beer for five seconds. - If a player repeats an answer that was already said, the player must take a sip of beer along with the person who originally said the answer. - Once someone messes up, switch to a new category. The Game Ends When: The beer runs out, and everyone just wants to call it a night. We’re tired from being so glamorous, give us a break, uggo.
download our app for all of our drinking games!
Let’s Get Baked: - Beat eggs in a bowl. - Spread one tablespoon of peanut butter on top of each slice of bread. - Cut up your banana and spread the pieces across your peanut-buttered bread. - Put the pieces of bread together, making a peanut butter and banana sandwich. - Melt butter into a frying pan. - Dip your sandwich into the beaten eggs. - Place the sandwich on the heated pan and cook until both sides are brown. If you’re really trying to indulge, grab your two main squeezes, Aunt Jemima and Betty Crocker, and smother syrup and chocolate all over this delicacy.
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the booze review booze review: Bacardi Black Razz | grade: B Overview: The shocking taste of Bacardi Black Razz involves the usual sting of Bacardi rum, but with a tasty and satisfying chocolate-raspberry flavor. And since there is a fruit in the name, considering it your healthy serving of life juice for the day! History: Mr. and Mrs. Bacardi were making plans for their thirtieth wedding anniversary. After finishing the entire Fifty Shades of Grey series, Mrs. Bacardi was looking to spice things up in the bedroom with her husband to remind him that she still had it going on after all these years. They booked a hotel room for the weekend at a luxurious resort in Cuba and wasted no time in getting freaky as soon as they arrived. Mr. Bacardi started things off by showering his naked lover in expensive rose petals and mouth-watering chocolate-dipped fruits. His wife indulged and then turned the night in another direction. She pulled out a whip and mega-sized vibrator from her suitcase and mounted her husband on the bed. With the vibrator on the highest setting, she tortured her husband with an unbearable sensation and gagged him with some chocolate-dipped raspberries. And then it came to him that the electrifying combination would make millions! Mr. Bacardi finished immediately, leaving his wife unsatisfied, causing
her to drown her sorrows in the family’s favorite liquor. Typical Drinkers: Viagra users, Brazilian love slaves, Christian Grey, desperate bridesmaids, Fidel Castro, high school cheerleaders, and vodka haterz. User Comments: “This rum makes my leather all tingly.” “So is anyone else feeling like a little S&M, or is that just me?” “Less raspberry, more chocolate. And rum.” “This on the rocks and a nice ol’ Cuban. Nothing better.” “Do these ass-less chaps make my ass look fat?” Conclusion: Bacardi Black Razz is seduction and dessert in a moderately priced bottle. It’s a good substitute for its non-flavored sister alcohol and should blend nicely with almost any soda you have lying around the apartment. Fun fact: Chill the bottle, and its label will change colors!
Best Mixer: ginger ale | Worst Mixer: unflavored bacardi
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From the Streets Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
How do you feel about the Wendy's that's coming to campus? “Pretty fucking awesome. They have a dollar menu right?” - Nick G., Senior
Obama Fails to Leave Oval Office after Reddit AMA benson wrote this On August 29th of this year President Obama made an account on Reddit, instantly making him the nerdiest President of the United States since Thomas Jefferson learned to play the violin. The reason Obama joined the Steve Urkel of social networking websites was to do an AMA, or “Ask Me Anything,” which, for those of you who have seen a vagina, means that any person in the world could ask him any question they wanted to in an open forum and the President would respond. Over the course of only thirty minutes, President Obama answered a total of ten questions, ranging from who his favorite basketball player is, to what he is going to do to end corruption in Congress. Response to the AMA has been mixed. Some see this act as a sign of Obama’s great personability and understanding of modern culture and phenomena. Others are simply off-put by the image of the leader of the free world logging onto a website that devotes much of its space to dick jokes and debates over the pros and cons of shaving one’s ass-pubes. Nonetheless, the effect that the website had on Obama has been devastating, as he has not left his office or completed any work since he discovered it. “We noticed something was wrong when we told him that we had a flight to catch, and he just kept saying ‘One more minute, just one more minute’ as he flipped through dozens of pictures of dogs wearing clothes and glasses,” reports Jim Messina, Obama’s campaign manager. “Eventually he stumbled on /r/ gonewild and announced that he had important work to do as he ran up into his room.” This report follows accusations of Obama posting nude pictures of himself on the gonewild subreddit. When Michelle Obama was asked to identify if the pictures were of her husband, she responded, “Unfortunately, that looks about right.” After this incident became known to Obama’s top advisors, and after Obama had not left the Oval office for several days,
a thorough search of Obama’s internet history was conducted to get a grasp on what the president was up to. The results came back that Obama’s top three most visited sites were /r/ hugeboobs, /r/LegalTeens, and /r/Hotchickswithtattoos in that order. Concerned that this information could be devastating to the President’s image, Obama’s advisors decided to stage an intervention with him to put an end to this poor behavior and to get him back to work. Messina again reports, “Me and a few of Obama’s best friends and family all met up at the White House to talk to Barack. He was up in the Oval office and had been blasting Neutral Milk Hotel all day without letting anyone in. When we walked up to the office we noticed that the door had been barricaded and a large Darwin Fish had been carved into the wood. After some help from Seal Team 6 we got through the barricade, and a large gust of marijuana smoke billowed out of the room. When we walked in we saw the President and Neil deGrasse Tyson smoking a bong in front of a large plate of bacon. “After putting out a fire in the corner of the room which had started by the two of them attempting to make grilled cheese using a toaster that had been flipped on its side and turning down 'Holland, 1945' on the stereo, we asked the President what had happened to him. He said that after discovering /r/ trees he began to experiment with pot, which caused him to rethink his entire belief structure. ‘I don’t understand why we don’t fund NASA more, I mean, it’s like, science. And I can’t believe so many sheeple believe in religion. It’s like, slavery, you know?’ Obama said as Tyson attempted to smoke bacon out of his bong. I tried to convince him that his friend Neil was a bad influence on him, but he wouldn’t listen. Eventually we just showed him 4chan and he realized that all this Reddit stuff is stupid. Now he acts pretty much the same, except that he now calls people ‘faggot’ all the time.”
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continued from the cover
9 erotic photographs of Paul Ryan: It’s no secret Paul Ryan is a fan of P90X. That’s the appeal of the young politician that Mitt Romney was going for: a sexy physique, captivating ocean blue eyes, and a charming smile. In these photographs left astray around the Republican Convention, finders-keepers can get a firsthand account of Ryan’s “electibility.” Either Paul Ryan has a kinky private life, or he is trying way too hard to connect with the firemen and police officer voter population. 1 universal remote probably purchased off a late night infomercial: The remote is labeled with a sticker that reads, “If found, please return to the Barackness Monster at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington DC.” Experts concluded that this is the president’s tool for fast forwarding the minds of voters at the voting booths so they will not remember any promises left unfulfilled from his “Yes We Can” campaign. Still on the unfinished checklist is to “slow the rise of the oceans.” 5,397 pages of Facebook comments supporting a dislike button: For years, Facebook users have demanded a dislike button on the website to make the social media network even more full of rebuttal and deceit. Political campaigns are meant to inspire the masses, and the Democrats and Republicans aim to give them what they want: the ability to stick it to the man and dislike his profile. Then de-friend him. Then spread vicious rumors about him. Sort of like a political cyber bully. Yeah, that’ll teach him! Harry Potter’s invisibility cloak: When Clint Eastwood delivered his now infamous speech at the RNC which included a conversation to President Obama in the form of an empty chair, the crowd ate it up. However, there was one person who was not howling with laugh-
page 19
ter: President Obama. Obama had decided to make an appearance at the Republican National Convention as a sign of good faith. He had planned to hold a public conversation with Eastwood and had wrapped himself up in a blanket prior to taking the stage to symbolize “How cold this election has become.” Unfortunately, the blanket happened to be the invisibility cloak of Harry Potter, a devoted Republican. Not realizing he was invisible, Obama was crushed when the audience began to laugh at his attempts at friendship. If you listen closely you can hear faint sobbing throughout the entirety of the speech. 1 ghoulish ghost who calls himself the Great Depressor: Ever feel like a rain cloud follows you around, raining money troubles all over you? That happens. The Great Depressor first appeared during the Great Depression, and he haunts the conventions annually. With him he brought Tropical Storm Isaac, washing in Euros to remind the public that the days of the American Dream are limited. The Great Depressor is decked out in tar and feathers, inciting arguments between the political parties over taxes. “Obamacare is a tax!” “Your mom is a tax!” This is only a sample of the endless debates heard around the forum. If you felt a tug at your wallet, it wasn’t a pickpocket. It was the Great Depressor slipping in a contract with the devil to sell your soul to corporate interests. 293 copies of Rosie the Riveter posters with Mitt Romney’s face: In his convention speech, Mitt Romney was all about female empowerment: He employs women, he looks up to his mom, and his wife’s job as a mother is “harder” and “more important” than his. Of course the potential future president of the United States couldn’t be upstaged! He soaked in the female empowerment and recreated the famous World War 2
not photoshopped poster. Down with the men, up with the women! And, by the way, elect a man in November. Though these are the weirdest items found at the convention, there’s no amount of oddness that could go undescribed, from kinky sex toys to exotic weaponry to grade-school level love notes. Sadly, we’ve said too much already, forget our face!
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theblacksheeponline.com
As long as the entertainment industry ignores the internet and continues to pour money into cable television, we will continue to be bombarded by mind-numbing commercials. Take some smiling middle-class twenty-somethings with nice jobs and cool clothes, inject a few minorities, and voila, you’ve got yourself a commercial. Despite being material girls in this material world, The Black Sheep wondered what would happen if advertising execs stepped out of their money caves and into the real world. What would these commercials look like if their commercials just dropped the pretence and said what the company was really trying to convey? By: Quinn and Brendan
5-Hour Energy
Miller Lite
Hey dude! Yeah you, sitting alone on the couch! Look at us bros on the TV, drinkin’ Miller Lites and razzin’ each other like dudes do. Look at all the hot girls around us! Look at how hot that bartender is! Why are you sitting alone, drinking water and watching football like a pansy? Who does that? No one here does that! Join us, crack open a cold Miller brew and you’ll never look back. You’ll be at a tailgate or a not-decrepit sports bar with your pals! Don’t have any pals? You will if you drink Miller Lite! But if you’re thinking about drinking anything else besides a Miller Lite you can see yourself through the God dammed door. Go ahead, order whatever is on special, and watch as your new hot friends and bartenders call you out for being such a pussy. Drinking anything else is unmanly, you might as well push your penis up inside yourself and wear lipstick.
Got that been-drinking-for-3-daysstraight feeling and it’s only Friday? Second day of frothy acidic coffee shits? Too pussy to reach out to an acquaintance for Adderall? Try 5-Hour Energy. It might trick you into thinking it’s working.
You are a man, aren’t you? Men have beards, watch football and have sex on women that resemble Grecian goddesses. They don’t, above all else, drink “whatever.” You might as well be some sort of tight jean-wearin’, soccer watchin’, he-she who doesn’t know what good beer tastes like. Our beer is good, and that’s why we’ve invented bottles and cans that funnel it down your throat as fast as possible.
Listen, you’re a hard-working person who doesn’t have time to make coffee. While your co-workers sit in the dark pit that is their cubicle, drinking latte after latte and thinking about hanging themselves in the shower later, you’re chock-full of B-Vitamins and Guarana – it’s basically gasoline for humans! Drink a 5-Hour energy every morning and you won’t not be not having sex and running on treadmills before dawn! DAWN! You don’t need to nurse your hangover with “food” or “sleep,” 5-Hour Energy has everything your body needs in a 1.93 oz package! Plus, you won’t crash!*
AXE Body Spray
Taco Bell
Sitting alone in a corner? Does the scent of self-loathing seep through your pores? Feeling like you’re slowly slipping away from the world because you exist on a different plane of being?
Hello there, our very stoned friend. Sure, you could change the channel, but that remote is literally three feet away, and after that fourth bong rip we both know you’re not lifting a finger.
Well, it’s because you’re not getting enough of that sweet, sweet pussy.
Instead, we’re going to show you some images of delicious, low-rent Tex-Mex food. Yeah, look at the way we drape that velvety cheese-flavored wax blend all over finely-ground possum assholes. Right now you’re wishing you could fire that gooey goodness into a spoon and inject it straight into your cholesterolladen bloodstream. Oh, but we’re not done yet. After that we’re going full-on H.A.M., wrapping that bitch up in flour tortilla, smothering that thing in cheese, then wrapping another deep-fried corn tortilla around that diarrhea missile. Sure, you’re going to shit your pants later, but that just means you can shove some more Type-2 Diabetes down your gullet.
So listen up faggot, you need some Axe Dark Temptation Body Spray before you put that Glock to your temple and double tap your way to the big Poon Tang Palace in the sky. The problem isn’t your general disgust towards mainstream music, movies, television shows and books. It’s not your obsession with Minecraft. It isn’t your greasy, unwashed hair, or your chain wallet, or the black jean short and Queensryche t-shirt combo you sport in the middle of December. Nope, you’re not fist-deep in freshman snatch right now because you don’t smell like a dumpster behind a strip club. You need to get in the car right now and
head to your nearest department store. Park in a handicap spot, because if we’re being realistic, you’re afflicted with a mean case of Vagophilia Hustle down to men’s health products and just grab the first can you see. Spray that shit all over your body. Just…just empty that bitch out. If you think you’ve sprayed enough, you haven’t. Alright slithound, now it’s time for you to get all up on the bitches. You see, we lace our shit with chemicals that draw them sluts towards you. Pheromones or hormones or something. What Einstein, does it look like we went to college? Either way, you’ll have some whores moaning all up on you when you’re Axin’ and relaxin’.
“But I’m way too high to drive, and it’s almost 10:30p.m.,” you foolishly mumble
So get to the store and grab yourself a case. Stock your cabinets with 5-Hour Energy, people won’t think you’re a psychopath, they’ll think your smart and awesome! Are you a boring old office worker? You should drink 5-hour energy! Are you a boring old construction worker? You should drink 5-Hour Energy! Are you an inmate snowman? 5-Hour Energy! *In you won’t crash the airplane you’re not flying. An emotional crash, however, is guaranteed. Imminently.
to yourself. Hah! Don’t you know we’re open later than shit? We invented the fourth meal to eliminate the anguish degenerates like you feel when you’re mouthfucking your food hole mere minutes before you pass out from exhaustion after a long day of self-loathing and jacking off. So yeah, we’ll wait a few hours for you to hop in your 1997 Chevy Lumina and haul your “sober enough to drive” ass down to the nearest Taco Bell. And don’t forget to pick up some Baja Blast when you swing through, that shit is legit.
the interview
the hood internet
Do you like the Beastie Boys? What about Adele? Too bad they’ve never put out an album together. But wait! Don’t act so glum! There’s always mashup acts like The Hood Internet to make your wildest musical dreams come true. We spoke with The Hood Internet’s Aaron Brink, also known as ABX, about making their type of music, and their newest, less mashup-y album, FEAT. Check out their show at Canopy Club on September 19th. By: Brendan The Black Sheep: How does a collaboration of this sort work on the production side of the music? Like, with a more traditional music outfit there's a drummer, guitarist, bassist, etc. People have roles to play. How do you guys divvy up the workload? ABX: We both end up doing everything. Sometimes that means that we are working on tracks individually, but for bigger projects we are constantly sending stuff back and forth. It's kind of like a band in that you end up playing off what the other person adds to a track. The difference is that we're collaborating over the internet rather than in person in real time. TBS: How does it work for a live show? ABX: Live shows are more of a DJ set, but without the turntables and both of us pulling from the catalog of tracks we've made over the years. For this tour in support of our album we are adding in more elements of a live band and mixing that with our more traditional DJ set. We have some extra musicians joining us to do live instruments and we mix that in with some pre-recorded tracks that we trigger live. TBS: Your new album, FEAT, gets away from the sampling. How challenging was that for you? Did you find artistic freedom in it? ABX: We definitely welcomed the challenge of building something from scratch rather than constructing it from samples. We've been doing the mashups for five years and have a pretty solid formula, so it was freeing to step outside of that for this album. The biggest challenge of working sample-free was just that it takes a lot longer to put something like this together. It's a lot easier to pull from our music libraries, mix a track, and post it our website than it is to get in the studio and record something new. TBS: Does "FEAT" mean anything as an album title? ABX: All of our tracks on the album feature several singers, MCs, or instrumentalists. It's all a big collaboration and FEAT references those featured artists. We also liked the dual meaning of the word. Going from posting mixes on a blog for our friends, it feels like a feat to be putting out a full-length [album] with so many cool guests. TBS: Conceptually, how do you decide to cut an album into tracks? Like, how do you decide, "well, this is a cool stopping point"? ABX: We kept FEAT to ten tracks, which I think gave us enough room to present the variety of what we do while also having something that felt like a cohesive album rather than just a collection of songs. With the number of collaborators that we have, you run the risk of having it not fit together as a whole if you do too many songs. We've previously done mixtapes which can be a bit sprawling and wanted this to feel different. TBS: Do you have a "holy shit" moment in your music making career? ABX: When we started out doing this, we would sample an artist, end up meeting them at a show or festival, and find out that they heard our track and liked what we did. That was pretty unexpected given that we were just putting music on our website and not trying to get anyone specific to hear it. Some of those connections ended up actually leading to guests on our record, which was also a “holy shit” moment. TBS: What's your work schedule like? ABX: It's pretty flexible. I like to work on music in the morning and when I'm traveling for shows. It helps to have a few things I'm working on at the same time so that if one isn't happening I've got something else to do. TBS: What's the most interesting thing you've had the opportunity to do as a result of your job? ABX: We made a giant Hood Internet logo out of multi-colored tacos. I guess we could have done that even if this wasn't our job, but that would have been weird. TBS: What's on your perfect pizza? ABX: It would be really cool to have a pepperoni pizza, but where the pepperonis are actually their own tiny pizzas with tiny pepperonis that are even smaller pizzas.
the big three
entertainment-y things we’re all excited about.
Band of Horses - mirage rock out september 18 Indie-rock darlings Band of Horses are back with their fourth studio album, Mirage Rock. These sleepy Seattle natives have undergone several changes in the past few years, while always keeping their signature style of pseudo-bluegrass tunes mixed in with catchy pop and rock beats. Check out their new tracks, "Dumpster World" and "Knock Knock."
liberal arts - in theaters out september 14 Cute, bearded, single, unemployed, and 35, Jesse Fisher (Josh Radnor, from How I Met Your Mother fame) gets asked to speak at his favorite college professor's retirement party. While back on campus he, naturally, falls for a cute, precocious sophomore Zibby (Elizabeth Olsen) and awkward love ensues. Cue the cute emotional cuteness!!! SNooki & jwoww - Season finale thursday, september 13 @ 10 p.m. Curious to find out how the summer of Snooki and JWOWW will end? Well if you've looked at any magazine covers or been on the internet at all, you probably know. But what you won't know are all the ridiculous and entertaining intricacies of the two guidettes that only a supremely edited show will give you. And let's all applaud for a season 2, in production now!
the photo hunt
can you find all 10 differences in this lecture hall? email us at puzzle@theblacksheeponline.com with the locations or a picture of your findings and win a prize!
the classtime
totally tailgating Across
4) ESPN’s Saturday morning gig. 8) You can thank them for setting it all up, usually. 9) 50% of the time you don’t make it here. 12) Basically bags. 15) The OG drinking game. 17) The act of making extremely delicious things. 19) Throwing bolas. 20) A bro’s tailgating uniform. 21) A handstand with help.
Down
1) We can think of a sunny tune about this game. 2) Ladies will don these with their school’s logo. 3) Fat-free, but not booze free. 4) With beans, or without. 5) Burgers, hot dogs, brats... bacon...
Answers
6) Pairs nicely with chips. 7) Huge, cheap, and everyone centers around it. 10) A real badass brings this RV. 11) The whole reason you do this, supposedly. 13) One shot of beer every 60 seconds.
14) Brought attention (and cameras) to tailgating. 16) A standard starting time, in the A.M. 18) Keeps that beer so kool.
the classtime • Cans of ___1___, to mix in my roommates ___2___ blender with ___3___ so I can finally get my bulk on. • ___4___ and ___5___ to get my freak on with the ladies. Maybe some ___6___ for when we ___7___? Also, paper towels. • Solo cups ( ___8___ ones! Bitches love neon.) and ping-pong balls.
madlib: Grocery Store List
• Oh yeah, and ___13___ bagels. Oh yeah, and ___14___ but that’s from Carl. • Peanut butter, to mess with our neighbor’s ___15___ . And my ex.
1) gross protein 2) adjective for bad 3) Vegetable 4) Ice cream topping 5) Uncommon fruit 6) type of syrup 7) sex position 8) bright color
• Several cases of ___16___ and a 6-pack of ___17___ to impress my ___18___ dad.
9) B-List athlete 10) type of cheese 11) type of spice 12) Large number
• Dumb ___19___ Burnetts, so the skanks dance on the table. ___20___ • The new Doritos, ___9___ Extreme so my bros get into brawls. ___10___ , ___11___ Blast. ___21___ for the people I really care about (slam pieces). • ___12___ cases of Mountain Dew, doubles as a chaser and hangover • ___22___, if I can find them, for cure. those lonely nights.
13) flavor 14) slang for weed 15) odd pet 16) shitty beer 17) craft beer 18) adjective for mean 19) fruit 20) hard liquor 21) Expensive alcohol 22) childhood snack
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