Illinois - Issue 4 - 9/11/2013 by The Black Sheep

The Black Sheep

As As f fre ree e as as y the our win tho d bl ng ows sho . ws ...

  Brought to you by  

The Booze News

Vol. 23, Issue 4

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

9/11/13 - 9/18/13

The Daily Illini Scams International Student BY: UIUC Staff An international student was scammed out of $4,240 dollars last week after being tricked into buying a copy of The Daily Illini. Yao Zong, 18, was reportedly approached by a marketing team member from The Daily Illini who told him the papers cost $5,000 each, a “very cheap price for such high quality, American journalism.” Zong told the paper's employee that he only had $4,240 and after a few minutes of poor translation and misunderstandings, they finally settled on the price.

“Alright, alright, we're sorry,” the reluctantly apologetic article read. “I guess we got a little desperate when it came to our financial situation, and we admit that our means of raising funds lately have been both ill-willed and morally incorrect ... but COME ON, that one was pretty good, wasn't it? It was way too easy.”

The Daily Illini later acknowledged that the scheme was merely a plot designed to help pay last August's electricity bill—a bill that Illini Media officials embarrassingly admitted was “a little overdue.”

Sources say that the latest plan to eliminate the publication's debt was just one of many attempted over the past couple of years. In 2006, The Daily Illini used Craigslist to lure in prospective buyers for a falsely advertised brand new XBOX and marijuana. The unsuspecting customers were then locked inside the elevators at the Illini Media building and were forced to pay a hefty sum to be let out.

The incident was first reported after Zong was seen showing interest in the paper during his Physics 212 lecture. Classmates asked Zong where he found the paper, which many students thought had gone out of business years ago, and he eventually confessed about the “awesome deal” he made on the street.

“We probably got like $50 or $60 bucks from that one,” said former editor-in-chief and alleged Nazi sympathizer, Acton Gorton. “My personal favorite was the one time when we had a 'fundraiser' for the Champaign Public School system. Thank God for those little punks.”

Zong said he thought he heard praises for the newspaper on campus and therefore believed it had to cost a hefty sum of money. Witnesses said that when the heartbreaking realization of being scammed settled in, he became emotional.

A few controversial attempts at fund raising took place in 2010, including a time when it was discovered that The Daily Illini hadn't been fully printing their publications in an attempt to save money. University officials discovered that The DI was only printing the cover page for the usual 16-page layout and, instead of providing content for the rest of the day's paper, they stuffed the inside with recycled pages of the News-Gazette.

“Last week, a man told me the journalism in The Daily Illini was 'priceless' and was so happy about it that he was laughing,” Zong said through a translator. “I just don't understand any of your American sayings at all.” The Daily Illini attempted to apologize in a press release published through last Monday's edition.

“I mean, no one noticed for like five or six weeks,” one staff member said. “We didn't really have to do any work, and we saved some money by not printing anything. No one even reads that far into the paper anyways.”

continued on page 19

page 5

page 8

page 9

Guys Join GWS Class for Girls, Become Feminists

Where Are They Now: The Chief

The Top 10 Ways to Improve Your Twerk Game

Not slaying as much vag as previously hoped.

He doesn't miss the C-U. Guys, it's time to move on.

Just in time for our Twerk Off at Joe's on September 19!

Keep Up With Us! @BlackSheep_UIUC • theblacksheeponline.com

TUESDAY IS COUNTRY NIGHT

HALFWAY TO ST. PAT’S PARTY! $1.50 Whiskey Drinks, $1.50 Coors Bottles $1.50 Lite & Coors Lt. Drafts $1.50 Incinerator Shots Country DJ Upstairs, House DJ Downstairs

R U O Y N I K N I DR ! R A J N O S A M SPECIALS ALL WEEK LONG! Thursday 9/12: Klub Kam’s with Live DJ

$5 Kam Islands, $3 Blue Guys, $2 Fireball & Doctor Shots $2 Lite & Coors Lt Bottles, $2 Redd’s Bottles Glow Sticks & Great Dance Music

Saturday 9/14: Illini Football Watch Party

Illinois vs Washington at 5pm, Open at 11am, DJ Dash 10pm $2.50 22oz Bud Lt. Drafts, $2.50 Illini Cans, $4 UV Blue Guys Bloody Mary Bar! $4 Jager Mary’s & Bombs $4 Jim Beam & Red Stag | Shuttle Stop to Game

KAM’S

>> Managing editor: Katelyn Lilly

Marketing TEAM Sam Oberholtzer Zareena Meyn, Kelly Cerf Lillie Kase, Jessica Nianick Peter Caruso, Colin Lateano

Copy Editors Sean Neumann, Austin Gomez Advertising Managers Megan Hambleton, Megan Rivera Writers Katelyn Lilly, Sean Neumann Austin Gomez, Becky Jacobs Grace Haka, Richie Owens Sam Dewey, Sam Caravette Scott Gantner, Mike Benson Brian Barsotti, Patrick Filbin Dan Mirabelli

Meet the Staff <<

campus director Brendan Bonham

Owned & Operated By: Black Card Media, LLC 2130 W. Potomac Avenue Suite 1, Chicago, Illinois 60622 Contact Corporate: 217.390-1747 For Advertising: 608.712.0900

owner Atish Doshi

Disclaimer: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking.

Founders Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers

This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com

Advertising? ads@theblacksheeponline.com

Hate Us? lame@theblacksheeponline.com

Tweet Us @BlackSHeep_UIUC

#goodtimes Word

Kitty Kat, I bought season football tickets this year just because I thought that’s what you’re supposed to do when you’re a freshman. I actually don’t know anything about the game, except that it’s outside and we suck at it. Can you explain it to me please?

Tweet Us @BlackSheep_UIUC

Herversion

of the

A secret sexual fetish coyly conveyed by one woman to her group of female friends.

Week

“When Maggie told her sorority sisters, ‘sometimes a small one feels better,’ Maggie’s herversion came to light, she actually liked small wieners.”

Thanks, Football Fool Dear Average Girl, I’d like to say that you’ve come to the right place, but you haven’t. I am the absolute worst person to ask for football knowledge. Basketball, on the other hand, is something I know and love, so I’ll explain that to you instead. In basketball you have two teams of five players (usually tall men). One team shoots at one basket and one at the other. The goal is to get as many baskets as possible by the end of the game. Don’t worry if you start off the game shitty; people don’t usually watch ‘til the last quarter anyway. The players can pass the ball or dribble it down the court to get closer to their basket, as long as they don’t run with the ball or dribble it with two hands. Those are big no-no’s, but are usually acceptable if you’re a socially awkward middle schooler in rec league. All baskets made are worth two points, unless someone shoots a free throw (worth one point) or a three-pointer (don’t remember how many points this is). It’s like hockey because you can hit people, but you also get in trouble for it. So just try not to get caught. Oh, and those arm band sleeves don’t really do anything. Sorry I couldn’t help you out much with the football thing. I suggest trying to sell those tickets on Facebook or something. But hey, at least you’re ready for basketball season now, right? Later, Kitty Kat

have a question? Tweet us @TheBlackSheep_UIUC

Guess The Mascot Tweet Us @BlackSheep_UIUC First right answer wins a prize! Last Week’s Answer: Syracuse’s Otto the Orange

The Black Sheep

Celebrity Before & After Just like Jeopardy!, our before and after asks you to pair two unlike things, sharing only a word. Because we’re as vapid as the rest of you, a celebrity name will always be involved. Tweet your answer @BlackSheep_UIUC and use #goodtimes for a chance to win a prize!

An intergalactic smuggler actor sadly forced to trade in his pride and joy for a domestic 85-horsepower downgrade.

Last Week’s Answer: Buddy Guy Fieri

download our free iphone and android app

Guys Join GWS Class For Girls,

Become Feminists

By: G.W. Busch

According to a recent study from the Department of Gender and Women’s Studies at the University of Illinois, college men who enroll in GWS courses are increasingly at risk of contracting feminism. The study found that the highest-risk population includes men who admitted to registering for GWS courses in order to pick up women. The study was paid for out-of-pocket by Professor Francesca Harris. Throughout the 2013 Spring semester, Harris observed three male undergraduate students (Ricky O’Riley, Adam Blumberg and Harvey “Fuck It, I’ll Fuck It” Wu, each of Greek descent) as they participated in GWS 188: Sexual Economies of the Clitoris. All three students said their academic goals for the class were to sleep with as many of their female classmates as possible. “I thought, ‘Hey. Talk a little bit about how icky patriarchy is. Talk about how much you enjoy reading Chancellor Phyllis Wise’s blog or how Hermione still gives you the biggest nerd-boner ever,’” O'Riley said. “I thought that I’d totally be able to hit-it and quit-it before they found out I meant

Hermione before she got that ugly-ass haircut. I was so unbelievably wrong.” Professor Harris, who holds a VhD in Transnational Feminisms, monitored the students as the semester progressed and published her results last week. Technically, she received her PhD, but Harris insisted that “giving away PhDs rather than VhDs further privileges our culture’s already-institutionalized obsession with penises.” Although The Black Sheep researchers can’t confirm that the “P” stands for “Philosophy” and not “Penis,” they firmly believe that Ms. Harris’ “V” is short for at least one of the following terms: Vagina, Vadge, Vanessa, Va-jay-jay, Vhudge, The MiniVan, Venus Fly Trap, Volcanus, the Valkyrie, Voodoo Hoo Hoo, Velvet Noir or the great uncharted land of Virginia. “By the end of the semester, I found that my three subjects had not only neutralized their misogynistic attitudes but that they had become full-blown feminists,” Harris said, beaming. According to Harris, tricking horny young men into feminist ways of thinking is the third priority on the feminist agenda, directly after selling flavored choc-

olate vaginas on the Quad and finding a pant suit that perfectly emulates the sexier side of Hillary Rodham Clinton. “It sucks,” O’Riley said. “I can’t even take a girl out on a date anymore. I’m afraid if I take her somewhere on Green Street for dinner, she’ll feel economically forced to perform fellatio on me at the end of the meal. I can’t live with that on my conscience.” As a result, O’Riley says he hasn’t received oral sex since February. With the extra time on his hands, O’Riley spends most evenings alone, practicing yoga and other flexibility-building exercises in an attempt to live more sustainably as a dick-less man. Blumberg, a senior in business, shared O’Riley’s frustrations. Once active socially and sexually, he now spends his nights researching marketing and advertising trends for both Tampax and Kotex in the BIS Library. “I used to just, you know, buy ‘em drinks,” he said. “A shit ton of drinks. I thought that’s how relationships were supposed to work.

I was great with the ladies—that’s why I took this life-ruiner-of-a course in the first place. I can’t even remember the last time I had a booty call…” he reminisced sadly. After participating in Professor Harris’ class, Blumberg now abides by federal laws concerning sexual consent and has since sworn a vow of celibacy. “Girls can’t even legally consent when they’re drunk. How the fuck am I supposed to get them to sleep with me if they have to be sober?” Harvey “Fuck It, I’ll Fuck It” Wu, Professor Harris’ third subject who’s always had a penchant for nicknames, now prefers to go just by “Harvey.” He was once celebrated by many as the sacrificial wing man, willing to fuck one for the team so you can score her better-looking friend, the naughty hottie at the party. With Wu’s experience, he figured

a GWS course was specifically tailored toward his sexual tolerances. “I was so wrong,” he said, visibly upset. “The girls in the class were awesome, and some were even really hot (by conventional and completely arbitrary standards of beauty). Some others weren’t as hot. Even them, the ones I have a stellar track record with, didn’t want to have sex with me because they all think I’m a sexist asshole. And as a man, I have to set my privilege aside and really try to hear their opinions.” At this point, Wu broke down into tears, and The Black Sheep left before he could ask for a hug. “Man, fuck patriarchy,” we heard Wu say between sobs.

IMMEDIATE MOVE-IN

AVAIL ABLE 2-5 BEDROOM FLOOR PLANS AVAILABLE

RENOVATED UNITS + ON-SITE PARKING WASHER & DRYER AVAILABLE

CAMPUSTOWNRENTALS.COM | 217.366.3500 limited time offer. while supplies last. see office for details.

WEDNESDAY NIGHT JOE’S $2 REDDS, $2 FIREBALL 706 S. 5TH STREET | JOESBREWERY.COM

read more online TheBlackSheepOnline.com

Illini Dad at Office Won’t Shut the Hell Up about Son By: Tex Mex Robert Samuelson’s eldest son, Daniel, has been a student at the University of Illinois for just under a month now, and the 47-year-old finance analyst has talked about nothing else at the office ever since. Word of Samuelson’s vicariously-lived showboating broke out after staff accountant James McCormack swung by receptionist Maddie Lipton’s desk in order to talk about their “massive chode of a boss.” This was also the third time Lipton has denied McCormack’s invitation to dinner and going back to his place to “watch a movie or something.” “All of us around the office knew it was coming sooner or later,” commented McCormack whilst shuffling between windows of Microsoft Excel and outdated Flash games. “I mean, he was definitely showing all of the signs that go along with college parent pretentiousness.” “When his son got accepted last spring, Rob burst into the building the next day with an obnoxiously fluorescent orange-and-white cap with a big “I” branded on it, a matching U of I windbreaker and track pants combo, about six Illini Bookstore bags filled with magnets and throwaway fliers slung around his arms, and authentic feathered moccasins with ‘THE CHIEF’S BLOOD IS COURSING THROUGH MY VEINS’ sewn on the sides,” he added. “I actually think he made the moccasins himself, because I’m sure those would be

pretty not-okay to sell.”

research institution.”

Samuelson’s office space, within hours, was decorated to the brim with plush footballs and four of the same exact 2013-2014 campus calendars, with three of them having their year’s modified with a Sharpie to cover the entire duration of his son’s collegiate career at the university. He also considered purchasing a few more, because “grad school is always a possibility for Danny-boy,” he said, accompanied by a hearty but nasally chortle.

Samuelson graduated from Moraine Valley Community College in 1988 with an Associate of Arts degree before being offered a job by his uncle at the bank.

Now, months later, Samuelson has been talking about his son’s presumed college-life at full force. His topics are said to range from worrying about Daniel, wondering if Daniel is at his first college party, reassuring himself that Daniel is doing well in school, thanking God that Daniel didn’t go to a “dumb” school like Frank from accounting’s son, and showing co-workers hundreds of identical, low-resolution photos of the Quad. “Danny-boy? Oh yeah, kid’s a champ,” boasted Samuelson before even being asked a question. “Seriously, a real winner in our house. The moment he got that acceptance letter, his mother hung it on the wall in one of the studded portrait frames we picked up from Costco, while I started calling my entire contacts list to tell everyone the fantastic news. It makes me proud to see my boy will be following in his old man’s footsteps. You know, being the big man on campus at a fine

Several other co-workers have complained to each other in listserv emails excluding Samuelson about his innate tendency to interrupt and make literally any conversation about either his son or the university. In a recent offense, senior staff accountant Mike Strauss brought up to cubicle-mate Tom Bailey in mild conversation that his daughter had recently accepted her admission offer from Illinois State University, to which Samuelson cut in with, “Yeah, my Daniel thought about ISU too. But, you know, with a solid 26 on his ACT and 3.4 GPA—weighted, of course—we just figured that he could strive for much, much better.” Co-workers also mentioned that Samuelson will even go as far as to make scheduling bi-monthly staff meetings and corporate events unnecessarily difficult because of “Daniel’s invaluable education.” At last week’s video call with the company's corporate office, Samuelson continuously swiped through his phone’s calendar doing side-by-side comparisons with key financial deadlines and U of I’s parent events schedule. As the COO tried to establish integral dates, Samuelson would often interject with excuses such as “Nope, sorry, can’t do it then. That’s Dad’s Weekend

A Higher Standard of Living! Prices Starting at $450/room Community Features

• 32 Seat Theater • Computer Lab • 24-Hour Conference Room w/ WiFi • Fitness Center • Clubhouse

• Resort-Style Pool • Individual Leases • Roommate Matching Service • On-Site Management • 24-Hour Emergency Maintenance

Check Out Capstone Today! CAPSTONE QUARTERS

CONDOMINIUMS

1901 LINCOLN AVENUE, URBANA IL 217-367-7368 | CAPSTONEQUARTERS.COM

at the ol’ university.” In a more recent scrap, McCormack lost his temper during one of Samuelson’s speeches about U of I’s #46 national ranking and other didactic factoids according to collegeconfidential.com. McCormack shouted at the top of his lungs that Daniel was no “special fucking snowflake” and that the university admits “thousands of indistinguishable sub-par to above-average students who get in simply for living in Illinois” on a yearly basis. Samuelson chuckled, placed a hand on McCormack’s shoulder, and responded saying that Chancellor Wise assured everyone at orientation that the Class of 2017 was the “largest incoming class of the nation’s finest and brightest in the university’s history” with test scores “higher” than those of the past. He argued that if his Daniel could be a part of such a prestigious group of elite within a pool of 40,000 others at a large public university, then that had to count for something.

The Infamous

JOE’S BIKINI CONTEST WEDNESDAY, SEPT. 18TH SIGN UP AT JOESBREWERY.COM OR AT THE BAR

GRAND PRIZE: $1000 CASH SPONSORED BY: The Black Sheep

706 S. 5TH STREET | (217) 384-1790

read more online TheBlackSheepOnline.com

Where Are They Now:

The Chief By: Richie Owens

It’s 5:30 a.m. in a Starbucks in Palo Alto, California. The steam is screaming, the coffee is flowing and a man in a Native American headdress is serving it all up. He has become somewhat of an attraction for Palo Alto natives who want to get a nice cup of joe from a unique character. They know him as Chad, however, here in ChampaignUrbana, we remember him as “The Chief.” We had the chance to catch up with “Chief” over the weekend, and here is what he had to say. The Black Sheep: So, Chief, what have you been up to since you left the C-U? Chief: Whoa dude, chill out with that Chief stuff. That was a long time ago. I only go by Chad or C-man now. TBS: Okay, C-man. What have you been up to since you left the C-U? C: Aw, dude. Champaign-Urbana, dude. Since leaving everything has been much chiller. I used to be like, so stressed, man. Now it’s all relaxin’ and surfin’ and servin’ up some pretentious lattes, dude. I’m livin’ the life. TBS: What was so stressing about being in Champaign? C: Just everything, man. Some of the people there were chill, but every time I got my groove on, people just sort of acted like I was some sort of animal, you know? Like, there’s more to me than dancing. Like, there’s a man under this headdress and face paint, you know? TBS: Is the stress why you left? C: Nah, man. Rumors started that I was like, racist or something, I don’t really know. They wanted me gone, man, and

I was happy to oblige (laughing). TBS: How do you feel about the strong show of support that people still have for you, even though you’ve been gone since 2007? C: Hah. Wait, people are still talking about me? TBS: Yeah, they are. C: That’s kind of pathetic, dude. TBS: So you don’t really appreciate all of the attention and controversy that still surrounds you to this day? C: I didn’t say that, man. It’s nice that they support me and everything, I guess, but there’s like, no way I’m ever coming back. So they should probably just like, give it up (laughing). TBS: Wow, I don’t think a lot of people in Champaign will be very happy to read that. C: (Laughs) Well, it’s the truth, brother. They should just be happy that I’m happy. TBS: Okay, well what makes you the happiest? C: Well, man, so much makes me happy, but nothing makes me happier than just lighting up a bowl and heading up to the beach, shredding the gnar on my surfboard. TBS: Wait … you smoke weed? C: Smoke and sell, man*. You know Chief Keef? How do you think he got his name? You want some? TBS: Uh, I’m fine for now. Thanks, though.

C: Yeah, bro. No problems, it’s chill. I’m not about forcing the stuff. That’s part of the reason I moved out to Cali. I like the way people think out here, but as I was saying. Perfect day: I smoke, I shred and then it’s dinner at Chili’s and a night on the town. TBS: Do you still dance? C: Yeah, dude. I’m pretty heavy into the EDM scene, so I’m out there dancing most nights. I actually DJ, too. Mostly dubstep. I’m really into deadmau5 and Krewella, so I draw a lot of inspiration from them. TBS: Do you have a DJ name? C: Yeah, dude. Of course I do. TBS: What is it? C: DJ Fryin' Pan, because I make ‘em sizzle. TBS: Wow, that’s a good one. Since our time is running out, I was wondering if you had anything you wanted to say to the people reading this in Champaign-Urbana? C: Yeah, sure, dude. I just want to say, that it’s all cool to appreciate what I did in my time there. It was some fun times, dude. But you all just have to understand that in this day and age, the University doesn’t need the C-man there anymore. It was cool while it lasted, man, and I’ll never forget the C-U, but it’s okay for them to forget me (laughing). *It should be noted that C-man lifted up his Starbucks polo to reveal a shirt reading “Legalize It.”

...have another beer! HELP MAKE THE

ILLINI FOOTBALL SEASON BETTER. ORDER YOUR LIMITED EDITION SHIRTS TODAY AT THEBLACKSHEEP.MYSHOPIFY.COM

The

Top

Ten

Ways to Improve Your Twerk Game By: Kitty Kat

It’s time to get on the bandwagon of the current twerk trend, and don’t be ashamed to admit you’re excited. On Thursday, September 19, we’re hosting a Major Lazer Takeover at Joe’s, featuring a twerk-off with VIP festival passes and cash prizes with the cool dudes at Smile Politely. Study up on these tips and show us what you got for your chance to win! (Yes, that was a shameless plug. There’s another one coming.) 10.) Learn the Basics of Music: You know, like rhythm and timing? Going out there and aimlessly shaking your ass will get you nowhere. Feel the music. Be the music. And the hump the shit out of it. 9.) Do Squats: Let’s be honest. You kinda have to be in shape to do this properly. Or at least look like you are. What’s a quick workout that can fool anyone into believing you lifted all summer? Squats. Tighten up that ass. 8.) Download Some New Jams: We know you rocked out to Luke Bryan and Florida Georgia Line all summer, but it’s time to cut the cord. Where do you start? “Bubble Butt.” Major Lazer. No question. Watch the video too. It’s a good time. NSFW, though. 7.) Eat a Lot of JELL-O: It’s great you only eat whole grains and cut back on your fat intake, but a little cushion on your backside makes for a better show while twerking. Take a lesson from America’s favorite holiday dessert … then scarf it down.

6.) Go on a Bar Crawl: Hit up Joe’s, Cly’s and The Red Lion all in one night to see how the crunkest students of Champaign get down. These three are easily the best places on campus to drop that ass; maybe you’ll learn a few tips. And all those drinks will make you a bit more daring on the poles. 5.) Watch Flubber: Hot damn! Flubber?! The 1997 film starring that wacky, wacky man Robin Williams! And that little green dude! Have you seen him move? Even if you don’t learn anything from this, it’s a classic! 4.) Buy a New Wardrobe: Basically throw out everything you have in your closet and invest in a lot of leather, polyester and neon shorts. Anything to accentuate your buttcheeks and thighs. Maybe some knee-high socks since that whole schoolgirl thing is really sexy. If you can’t actually twerk, at least look hot while trying. 3.) Erase Miley Cyrus From Your Life: Her performance at the VMAs was, for lack of a better phrase, fucking terrible. It was a disgrace to exotic dancers and hip hop aerobics instructors everywhere. Don’t think you can learn anything from watching her awkward grind fest with Robin Thicke for the twentieth time. A white girl with a chicken butt doesn’t know what she’s doing. 2.) Purchase Butt Implants: If all else fails and your rear is still flabby and loose after all this training, at least go down swinging. Wear one of those freaky panties with the cheeks built in. You’ll fool ‘em all. Hey, wait, keep those on … that looks good. 1.) Watch a Twerk Contest: How convenient! There’s one coming up, and we’ll be there! Remember: Joe’s on Thursday, September 19, at 10 p.m. Watch how it’s done or join in if you’re confident enough! There will be Budweiser and Pinnacle specials, so yeah, go booze!

download our free iphone and android app

Champaign History: The Life and Times of Jerry, the White Horse Karaoke Guru By: Benny Boy It's Wednesday night at White Horse Inn. Champaign’s brightest and dumbest, richest and poorest, saddest and happiest meet together under one roof to share in the majesty of song. Under the dim yet effervescent Budweiser sign which halos the mic stand, heroes are born and civilizations are vanquished in piercing falsettos. Watching over all of this, set in shadow like a spectre of the twilight, is a silent watchman, an omnipotent observer. With a face that God himself could have carved into the side of a mountain, Jerry overlooks the festivities with stern focus and undying devotion. But where did this karaoke talisman come from? The year is 1965, and thousands have gathered to the Newport Folk Festival to hear the new songs by Jerry, the voice of his generation. For the past three years, Jerry has ruled the American folk music scene with unyielding tenacity. His albums The Freewheelin’ Jerry and The Times They are AJerry have established him as the premier singer-songwriter of his generation. “You see, at that time, it was all about musicians who wrote their own songs and then played their own songs which they wrote as they sang them live. Nobody really dared to stray from this formula. That is,

until Jerry hit Newport in ’65,” music historian Bubs McDee writes in his memoir From Jerry Lee Lewis, to Jerry, to Jerry Seinfeld: The History of Jerries. On this warm 1965 day many have gathered to see Jerry perform his first show in over a year. For the twelve months prior, Jerry had been backpacking through India, China and Japan on a soul-enlightening walkabout. American audiences yearned to hear the songs he had written on his adventures. As Jerry took the stage at Newport, the audience knew they were in for something they had never heard before. Instead of a guitar, Jerry stood on stage with nothing but a microphone and a peculiar metallic box at his feet. “This is a style of music I picked up while studying under master Daisuke Inoue in Japan,” Jerry addressed the audience. “It’s called karaoke. Hit it!” Jerry yelled as he flipped a switch on the box and went into an enthusiastic, yet out-of-tune rendition of Eddie Money’s 1978 hit “Two Tickets to Paradise.” The Newport audience was now assaulting him with boos and jeers of hate. One au-

dience member yelled out “Judas!” which garnered laughs from the rest of the audience. Jerry famously responded, “Judas Priest? Yeah, I think I got that!” Although the catcalls and rude remarks were deafening, they served only to inspire Jerry further as he ripped through a raucous three-song set, ending on a high-pitched falsetto squeal like he was fuckin’ Bruce Dickinson. Audience reactions after the show did not paint a very positive image of the night. “He went on stage without a band or anything. What a phony! He used to represent what we are about, and now he’s just another cheesy pop artist,” one fan remarked. “He didn’t even play along to the songs he sang. He didn’t even sing songs that he had written. He didn’t even sing songs that had been written by someone yet,” another young fan expressed. The negative reaction to his new style was devastating to Jerry. In the weeks following his performance at Newport, Jerry took to seclusion. Those close to him said that he barely spoke, but when alone in his room could be heard silently crooning Fleetwood Mac’s “Landslide” to himself on his favorite karaoke machine. One night, when Jerry seemed particularly despon-

dent, a group of his close friends bought a case of beer and told Jerry that they would like to drink together and perform the art of karaoke with him. It was this mixture of booze and friends that caused Jerry to realize what his craft was missing: lots of drunk people to participate. Days later, Jerry returned to the music scene but this time allowed his audience to drink cheap beer and perform

songs themselves. Karaoke took off in the small club circuit and has since gained the worldwide fan base it enjoys to this day. So when you enter White Horse on Wednesday night, show some respect to the stoic guardian perched in the shadows. For if it wasn’t for him, the beautiful music that echoes through the bar on that one majestic night a week would be lost to the ages.

JOE’S BIKINI CONTEST WEDNESDAY, SEPT. 18TH • SIGN UP AT JOESBREWERY.COM OR AT THE BAR

GRAND PRIZE: $1000 CASH The Black Sheep

SPONSORED BY:

The Bar Grid Page 1 of 3 TUESDAY! THE PIANO MAN Returns! Shay is back on the keys playing all your favorites! $3 Real Long Islands, $1 Cover

Thursday: DOLLAR WELLS $2 Hot Stuff Shots $3 Everything Else DJ Ex Mixing Music Videos!

FRIDAY! Live Band Karaoke! 9pm, $5 Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

SPECIAL NIGHT

ALL SEPTEMBER: $6 32oz UV Flavored Vodka Pitchers

Wednesday 9/11

Wing Night! $0.25 Wings $1.50 High Life, $2 Flavored LITs $2 Jager Bombs

Check out www.canopyclub.com for all our upcoming concerts!

LONG ISLAND NIGHT! $2 Long Islands $2 Hot Stuff Shots $2 Sailor Jerry $2 Bud Light Bottles

Thursday 9/12

$1 Wells, $2 UV Vodka Drinks $2 Fireball, $2 PBR 16oz Tall Boys $3 Long Islands, $5 Domestic Pitchers

BONES, JUGS N HARMONY with ERIC LAMBERT & FRIENDS and LOVE TOY

DOLLAR WELLS $2 Hot Stuff Shots $3 Everything Else DJ Ex Mixing Music Videos!

The Giving Tree Band, 9:30pm, $5 $2 Domestics, $2 Wells

Friday 9/13

$2 Jager Bombs & $2 Wells, $2.50 Miller Lt/Coors Lt, $3 Three Olives Mixers, $3 3O Premium LITs, $3 Hot Shots, $7 Domestic Pitchers, $1 Cherry Bombs & O Bombs

THE TECHNICOLORS with GOOD SAFARI and THE ARS NOVA (Early Show!)

Open at 5pm: Happy Hour Food Specials: Hot Dogs & Fries $2.99 $3 Bud Light 24oz Tallboys, Life in Color Party!, Glowsticks, Blacklights, Win Tickets to Life in Color!

Live Band Karaoke! 9pm, $5

Saturday 9/14

$2 Jager Bombs & $2 Wells, $2.50 Miller Lt/Coors Lt, $3 Bacardi Mixers, $3 Hot Shots, $7 Pitchers, $1 Cherry Bombs & O Bombs

ROCK 4 HUMANITY BENEFIT!

$3 Jim Beam $3 Three Olives Vodka $3.50 Three Olives Bombs $3 Bud Light Bottles DJ Julian Mixing Music Videos

Molehill, $5, 9:30pm w/ Good Safari and The Ars Nova

Book Your Next Party or Event Here! Contact our event planner at CochraneParty@Gmail.com or call 217-722-9000

Big Dave's Trivia Night FREE | 7:30PM! $1 Miller High Life Drafts | $2 Miller Lite Drafts | $2 Jameson Shots $5 Red Bull Vodkas | $5 Nacho

Sunday 9/15

Closed

CLOSED

Monday 9/16

$2 Double Wells $2 Buweiser & Bud Light Drafts $5 Budweiser/Bud Light Pitchers

MONDAY NIGHT HOUSE PARTY Open Mic with JAMES MOORE till 11pm Followed by the MONDAY NIGHT HOUSE PARTY HOUSE BAND! $1 Drinks! $2 Slices from Manolos! $1 Cover!

$2 U CALL IT

Retro Monday, FREE! DJ Mingram spinning the best 80s and 90s tunes $1.50 Domestic Bottles, $2 Well Drinks

Tuesday 9/17

$2 Wells, $2 Domestic Drafts $2 Craft Drafts* *Not all Beers included $2 Shot of the Week

THE PIANO MAN Returns! Shay is back on the keys playing all your favorites! $3 Real Long Islands, $1 Cover

WINE NIGHT! $8 BOTTLES OF WOODBRIDGE WINE $8 BOTTLES OF CHAMPAGNE $2 BUD LIGHT BOTTLES $2 WELLS

Open Mic Night - Free! Sign-Up Starts at 9:30pm $1 Off All Drafts $3 Jameson Shots

Wednesday 9/18

Wing Night! $0.25 Wings $1.50 High Life, $2 Flavored LITs $2 Jager Bombs

Tickets on sale now for shows with Flux Pavilion, Krewella, Big Gigantic & more!

LONG ISLAND NIGHT! $2 Long Islands $2 Hot Stuff Shots $2 Sailor Jerry $2 Bud Light Bottles

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

The BarGrid Page 2 of 3

DOWNTOWN

SPECIAL NIGHT

Firehaus BAR OLYMPICS All Week Long! Different Events Everyday! Ends Saturday, Sept 14th www.FirehausBar.com

MONDAY: $3 Jameson $2 Coors Light and Miller Light Draft 1/2 Off Apps (After 5pm) $7.50 BBQ Pork Sandwich

Wednesday 9/11

Bar Olympics Day 2: Fish Races & Mini Basketball Win a Trip to Mexico! Karaoke at 10pm $1 SHOTS, $2 Sailor Jerry $2 Tullamore Dew, $2 Pinnacle

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

Thursday 9/12

Football Toss & Beer Garden Bowling WIN BEARS TICKETS! $3 Long Islands, Half Price Whiskey Jets vs Patriots 7pm

Wednesday, Sept. 18th Joe's Bikini Contest Grand Prize: $1000

WED: Half Off Drafts!* $1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!

$2 Fireball, $2 Redd's

Half Off Drafts!* $1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

$3.50 White Russians $3 Any Draft $7.50 Italian Beef

Risque Thursdays $3 Imports, $5 Long Islands, $5 Sex on the Beach

$3 Smirnoff $2 Bud Light Drafts $2 Jager Bombs

$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors

$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s $5.50 Jager Bombs $7.95 Fish Sandwich

DJ Delayney at 9pm, $4 Double Wells, Free Before 10:30 with Student ID

$3 Jim Beam $2 Pinnacle Punch $6 Pitchers of Orange Shandy

$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

$3 Bacardi, $2 Bacardi Shooters, $6 Pitchers of Lunch Box

$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

Build Your Own Bucket 5 Beers for $11 $2 Jager Bombs

$2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells, $5 Personal Pizzas with 2 Toppings $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

MNJ $2 Blackbeard $2 Bud Platinums

$1.50 High Life Drafts! $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken

Risque Thursdays $3 Imports, $5 Long Islands, $5 Sex on the Beach

Friday 9/13

$3.99 Haus Fries, $3 Three Olives Vodka, $3 Captain Morgan, $3 Vegas Bombs, $3 Cuervo Silver Shots

Saturday 9/14

Bar Olympics Final Night! Shoot the Puck during Halftime of Illini Game to Win BLACKHAWKS TICKETS! Illini vs #19 Washington 5pm Texas A&M vs Alabama 2:30pm

Catch Every Game at Guido's!

De Noche Free Salsa Class at 9pm Salsa dancing until 2am! $6 Beer + Shot, $3 Select Beers, $3 Rum and Cola

Sunday 9/15

BEARS vs VIKINGS - Noon Win a Bears Jersey $2 SUNDAYS!! Every Liquor...Every Beer $2! $2.99 Beer Nuggets All Day!

$3 Vodka Red Bulls $5 Coors Light & Miller Light Pitchers $5 Nachos

Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gmail.com

Monday 9/16

Monday Night Football & Pop Culture Team Trivia, Bengals vs Steelers 7pm, Trivia Starts at 10pm! $2 Long Islands, $3 All Craft/ Import Beers, $2 Silver Tequila

$3 Jameson $2 Coors Light and Miller Light Draft 1/2 Off Apps (After 5pm) $7.50 BBQ Pork Sandwich

DJ Matrix No Cover with I-Card

Tuesday 9/17

TIME WARP TUESDAYS! $2.99 CHEESEBURGER & CHIPS 4PM-10PM HALF PRICE SHARKBOWLS $6 BUD & BUD LIGHT PITCHERS $2 WELLS, $2.50 SOCO $2 HOT STUFF SHOTS

$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells $7.50 Roast Beef and Cheddar Melt

Wednesday 9/18

Karaoke & Mug Night!: YOU KEEP THE HUGE 25OZ GLASS! $2 Pinnacle Vodka, $2 Sailor Jerry Spiced Rum, $2 Tullamore Dew, $1 Shots, $3.99 Buffalo Chicken and Chips 4PM-10PM

Guys & Girls Arm Wrestling Bud Light Washers

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken

19+ to Enter, Doors at 10pm

$2 Wells, $6 Cup of Shots

*Except Miller High Life

$2 Blue Moons,

Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gamil.com

Tequila Tuesday and all the 90's you can handle!

Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!

Joe's Bikini Contest TONIGHT! Grand Prize: $1000

1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)

Half Off Drafts!* $1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

*Except Miller High Life

A Higher Standard of Living! Prices Starting at $450/room

CAPSTONE QUARTERS

1901 LINCOLN AVENUE | 217-367-7368 | CAPSTONEQUARTERS.COM

CONDOMINIUMS The BarGrid Page 3 of 3

KAM'S Come join the Mug club to win every Wednesday!

SATURDAY: CLUB 211: Life in Color Party! Free Glowsticks - Blacklights Win Tickets to Life in Color! Open at 5pm - Reverse Block! $1 Drafts ILLINI vs Washington 5pm

Every Day! $4 High Life Pitchers $3 Jager Bombs, $3 Jameson Shots, $1 Kamikazes

SPECIAL NIGHT

Logo Mug Night: Rolling Rock $2.50 Pinnacle Mixers $2.50 Orchata, $4 Jager Bombs

Kruue Presents... Life in Color DJ Spinoff! Four DJ's Compete to Win a Spot on Stage at Life in Color! Free Glowsticks! Tickets to LIC Given Away and 5 Backstage Passes!

$4 High Life Pitchers $2 U Call It $3 Jager and Vegas Bombs $4 Car Bombs

Wed. 9/11

TUESDAY: Country Nite - Drink in Your Mason Jar! “Half Way To St.Pats Party! $1.50 Whiskey Drinks, $1.50 Coors Bottles, $1.50 Lite & Coors Lt. Drafts $1.50 Incinerator Shots,

Mustache Night!

Country DJ Upstairs, House DJ Downstairs

Platinum Wednesdays Bud Girls! Win Cubs Tickets $2 Platinum, $1.50 Bud & Bud Lt. $5 Lime a Rita Pitchers $4 Bacardi Buckets

School of Beer $2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles

Klub Kam’s with Live DJ $5 KamIslands, $3 Blue Guys, $2 Lite & Coors Lt Bottles, $2 Redd’s Bottles, $2 Fireball & Doctor Shots Glow Sticks & Great Dance Music

Mustache Night!

$2.50 Corona, Stella Artois, Heineken 2.50 Skyy Mixers $5 Jameson & Bacardi Doubles $2.50 Orchata

SHACKER NIGHT $2 UV VODKA $2 HOT STUFF SHOTS $2.50 BUD BOTTLES $5 24oz SHACKERS

Burger Night! $1 Burgers 8pm - Midnight $4 High Life Pitchers $2 U Call it $2 Soco Lime

Thursday 9/12

Absolut Friday! DJ Delicato at 10pm, Beat Washington Pre-Party $4 Blue Guys, $3 24oz Lite & Coors Lt. Cans, $3 Jameson Shots $1.50 Mickey’s Bottles

BIG FRIDAY! BIGGER IS BETTER! $5 BIG 32 oz Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms

$3 Pub Stout & Batch 19 $7.50 Rolling Rock Pitchers $2.50 Wild Turkey & Bacardi Mixers, $4 Jager Bombs

NATTY TAILGATE PARTY OPEN AT 5PM $1 Fratty Natty Bottles $1 Burnett's Whipped Vodka $3 Jim Beam and Jager Bombs, $4 Illini Long Islands

$4 High Life Pitchers $2 U Call it

Friday 9/13

ILLINI FOOTBALL! ILL vs Washington 5pm, Open 11am, $2.50 22oz Bud Lt. Drafts, $2.50 Illini Cans, $4 UV Blue Guys, $4 Jager Mary’s and Bombs, $4 Jim Beam & Red Stag, Shuttle Stop to Game, Bloody Mary Bar, DJ at 10pm

Solo Cup Saturday! Solo Cup Specials $1 Baby Bombs

$2.50 Killians, Leinies, Third Shift & Shock Top Pints, $2.50 Bacardi Mixers, $5 Jameson Irish Whiskey Doubles

CLUB 211: Life in Color Party! Free Glowsticks - Blacklights Win Tickets to Life in Color! Open at 5pm - Reverse Block! $1 Drafts ILLINI vs Washington 5pm

$4 Pitchers, $2 U Call It

Saturday 9/14

SUNDAY FUNDAY! Bears Football $2 U Call It Wells, Bottles & Drafts

Sunday Funday! $3 All Drafts

Trivia Starts Sept. 4 @ 9pm $6 PBR & Hamms $2.50 Wells (U-Call It) $4 Pub Bombs

Book your Next Party or Event Here! Contact our Event Planners at CochraneParty@gmail.com or Call 217-722-9000

$1 U Call It

Sunday 9/15

Monday Night Football: Open 7pm $1.50 Lite Pop Top Cans - Win Miller Fun!, $5 Pitchers, Free Pizza at Half Time, Pool League Starts $2 Jack & Soco, Jack Daniels Girls!

"Beer Lovers Night" $2 All Domestics $3.50 All Imports

$3.50 Guinness, Smithwick’s $5 Sailor Jerry Doubles $2.50 Pinnacle Vodka Mixers

MONDAY NIGHT LION $1 WELLS $2 ILLINI LONG ISLANDS $2 CAPTAIN MORGAN $3 RED BULL VODKA’S

$3 High Life Pitchers $1 U Call It $0.50 Pizza Slices (8pm - 12am)

Monday 9/16

$2.50 Domestic Drafts $3.50 All Other Drafts

$3 Blue Moon + Red’s Apple Ale Pints, $5 Jim Beam Honey Barrels, $2.50 Dr. Shots

$2 UV VODKA $1 SHOTS (SHOT MENU) $3 BUD LIGHT 24oz TALLBOYS

$4 High Life Pitchers $1 U Call It $1 Chicken Strips (8pm -12am)

Tuesday 9/17

School of Beer $2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles

Logo Mug Night: 9/18 Batch 19 $2.50 Pinnacle Mixers $2.50 Orchata, $4 Jager Bombs

BUCKET NIGHT $4 Jim Beam Buckets $4 Pinnacle Vodka Buckets $4 Cruzan Rum Buckets $2 Sailor Jerry Drinks

$4 High Life Pitchers $2 U Call It $3 Jager and Vegas Bombs $4 Car Bombs

Wed. 9/18

Country Nite - Drink in Your Mason Jar! “Half Way To St.Pats Party! $1.50 Whiskey Drinks, $1.50 Coors Bottles, $1.50 Lite & Coors Lt. Drafts $1.50 Incinerator Shots, Country DJ Upstairs, House DJ Downstairs

Platinum Wednesdays Bud Girls! Win Cubs Tickets $2 Platinum, $1.50 Bud & Bud Lt. $5 Lime a Rita Pitchers $4 Bacardi Buckets

WE HAVE THE

PERFECT PLACE

FOR YOU! • 1, 2, 3 & 4 BEDROOM APARTMENTS AND TOWNHOMES. • INDIVIDUAL BATHROOMS. • INTERNET, CABLE, WATER, TRASH AND PARKING. • WASHER & DRYER IN EVERY APARTMENT. • TWO SHUTTLES TO U OF I CAMPUS, INCLUDING LATE-NIGHT SERVICE. AND SO MUCH MORE! Text "COLBERT" to 47464 for Specials! (217) 353.6800 | www.villagecp.com

MO IM VE M -IN ED S A IAT VA E ILA BL E!

Around campus Send us your party pics from around campus to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

on the Streets If you could have any mythical creature as a pet, which one would you choose? ior Allison, Jun

“A flying sphinx kitty.”

nior Michael, Se

“Ice breathing dragon that serves cold Bud Light.”

r Patty, Senio

“Sasquatch (Lolo) to be my personal slave and do my bidding.”

Bartenders of the Week

Michael of Firehaus

Relationship Status: Obligated to stay taken Major: Political Science Favorite Drink: Bacardi and Coke in an IV Favorite Shot: The Thick Bitch Disgusting Drink: Sweaty Sailor Bartender Nickname: Smantarctica, ‘cause I’m so cold. What would you title a TV show that was about U of I: Morrow Pots What’s the third best restaurant in Champaign?: Chopstix Explain twerking in 5 words or less: Embracing body fat through dance What rumor about yourself would you like to start?: I’m half black. What’s one thing that you wish everyone would care less about?: Herpes What was your first CD you ever owned?: Ludacris, Word of Mouf If you had to lose one appendage, what would you choose?: I would go straight Van Gogh on my left ear. What’s the worst prank you’ve seen someone pull at a party?: Stealing their remote. Pure evil. Will you be traveling to Chicago for the Fighting Illini game?: Does a bear shit in the woods? Why should people read The Black Sheep?: It’ll get you laid.

Justin of Illini Inn

Relationship Status: Single Favorite Drink: Whiskey ginger ale Favorite Shot: Blue Motorcycle Disgusting Drink: Gin. Goddamn I hate gin. What would you title a TV show that was about U of I: Chambana: Confessions of a Drunk What’s the third best restaurant in Champaign?: Clark Bar Explain twerking in 5 words or less: A flattering or unflattering seizure What rumor about yourself would you like to start? I have the largest collection of tub stoppers in the world. What’s one thing that you wish everyone would care less about? Pants What was your first CD you ever owned? Blink 182, Dude Ranch If you had to lose one appendage, what would you choose? My left leg What’s the worst prank you’ve seen someone pull at a party? Someone took a dump in an oven and turned it on. Will you be traveling to Chicago for the Fighting Illini game?: No … I’ll be bartending. Why should people read The Black Sheep? Because there’s a segment about me!

Recipe for disaster

Drinking Game Boxing

Sweet Potato Fries

At The Black Sheep, we don’t support roughhousing of any kind, but we do love a good drinking game to get you drunk pretty quick. Get some friends and some girls in bikinis. Welcome to Boxing. *ding ding*

Sweet potato fries are all the rage lately, like twerking and hashtagging the shit out of everything. Instead of going to your favorite restaurant and tossing down a Hamilton for a basket of ‘em, try making a batch yourself. It’s actually not that hard.

What You’ll Need: A stop watch, 2 shot glasses, 2 dice and some beer. Number of Players: Four Level of Intoxication: Let’s hope you can take a punch well.

What You’ll Need: A few pounds of sweet potatoes, cinnamon, olive oil, salt and pepper. Cook Time: About 30 minutes Fatty Factor: It’s a vegetable, or something. You’re fine.

How to Play: - Two of the players (called “boxers”) play head-to-head, like a boxing match, and sit at opposite ends of a table. - The other two players act as the boxers’ “coaches” and sit to the side of their desired player. - Give each boxer a die and a shot glass full of beer. - One of the coaches start the timer, and the boxers each roll their die. - The boxer who rolls the lower number takes “the punch” and drinks their shot of beer. Their coach then has to quickly refill the shot glass for the next roll. - The game continues like this: The boxers roll again, the lower number drinks and the shot glass is refilled. - If the boxers roll the same number, just re-roll! - Play three rounds (for three minutes each) with a 30 second break in between. - Once the boxers finish, switch places with the coaches and keep going!

Let’s Get Baked: - Preheat your oven to 450 degrees. - Line a baking sheet with aluminum foil. - Wash off your potatoes and scrub off any dirt. - If you want, peel the potatoes, but it’s not really necessary. - Cut the potatoes into strips so they’re sized like normal fries. You know what those are right? - Lay out the strips on the aluminum foil as flat as you can. - Drizzle a little olive oil across the fries. Move ‘em around a bit so the oil is evenly dispersed. - Sprinkle on the cinnamon, salt and pepper. - Put the fries in the oven for 20 minutes, stopping halfway through to move them around a bit. Add more cinnamon if you want! - Let them cool a bit before serving, so they don’t burn your mouth or mush together. - Dip them in ketchup, honey mustard or nothing at all!

The Game Ends When: A real fight breaks out. No blood in the beer!

download our free app for all the games!

Not a fan of cinnamon? Try them with honey! Or parmesan cheese. There’s no way to go wrong with this.

nomnomnomnom theblacksheeponline.com

download our free iphone and android app

Booze Review Jack Daniel’s Tennessee Honey Grade: A written by: Kitty Kat

You’ve had Jack Daniel’s (obviously). You’ve had honey (most likely). You might not have been to Tennessee, but that’s okay. But all of them? Under one roof? Get out of town! As we all took our sips of Tennessee Honey Jack and Coke, we immediately felt back at home. For one of our writers, it tasted like his grandma’s homemade honey waffle batter and the smell of her kitchen. Another writer was reminded of the time her dad got really drunk and shoved her mom down the stairs. One of the copy editors said his drink felt just like Easter Sunday at his aunt’s house, before Cousin Kenny stole his little sister’s basket of eggs and chocolate. The key here is family. Jack Daniel’s Tennessee Honey tastes like home, like comfort. It makes you want to wrap your arms around whomever is next to you and plant a sloppy one on his or her cheek.

User Comments: “I really have to give my mom a call.” “Would this go better with Earl Grey or white tea?” “Can someone bake something already?”

Typical Drinkers: Mothers, fathers, brothers, lovers, your in-laws and their pets, and anyone with dentures.

What Your Parents Would Say if They Saw You Drinking This: “I love you, son/daughter/adopted child.”

Best Described Through Haiku: Sweet, sugar kisses From Mom onto my forehead Drunk off of her love

You’ll Like This if You Like: Sleeping in on Sundays and spending the day at the park with your dog and little sister.

Food Pairing Suggestion: A stack of five pancakes, made from scratch with a side of bacon, scrambled eggs with ham and a scoop of breakfast potatoes. Put a shot or two in your cup of coffee.

mixing center: A classic Coke will do the trick.

not happy with your

HOUSING? immediate move-in at our sister properties

illinistudenthousing.com

read more online TheBlackSheepOnline.com

College freshman still thinks

He’s In Line at T.I.S. By: Sammie sea Over the past few weeks Jeff Holman, 18, has missed every single one of his classes after being placed at the back of the line while attempting to purchase textbooks at T.I.S. during the first week of school. Sources say the freshman, an engineering major who has been seen carrying over fifty pounds worth of new-edition text material, was forced to the back of the line after trying to intercede at the roped-off section. “He definitely had a shit ton of books,” commented overzealous T.I.S employee John Calhoun. “But as line manager, I had to send him all the way to the back. We take our line structure very seriously. Imagine the school supplies anarchy if we didn’t!” After the 2008 trampling incident that saw the tragic death of a U of I student, T.I.S. has changed its queue policies for the safety of their consumers. In that fatal event, an international student was trapped under a row of fallen physics books after a stampede of frat boys trying to purchase their single notebooks for the semester caused a shelf to collapse. Holman, a resident at PAR, had recently moved into his dorm room on Thursday, August 22. However, after just moments of unpacking, his parents abruptly left him to his own devices. “We really need Jeff to become more social and independent,” explained his father Peter Holman. “He’s been such a recluse this summer trying to prepare for engineering classes. We felt it would be best for him to get to know the campus on his own.” Holman apparently left his dorm room later that afternoon in order to get his textbooks early. Unfortunately, he boarded the wrong bus and was taken

out to Market Place Mall. Unaware of his mistake, Holman exited the bus and was not allowed to re-board, because he had forgotten his iCard and didn’t have any cash to pay the bus fee. Confused, Holman trekked his way back to campus, arriving late Sunday evening when the bookstore was already closed. “When he got back that night, he was a mess. He set his alarm extra early to make sure he could be awake and ready to go to T.I.S. in time the next day,” said Holman’s roommate Brandon Serling. “I told him not to go to the bookstore on Monday afternoon. He just wouldn’t listen. He was nervous about all the potential homework he might have during syllabus week.” Holman reportedly entered T.I.S. at 3:05 p.m., right at the peak of textbook sales. After gathering all of his materials, Holman struggled to the roped-off section of the store in order to purchase his books when he was informed that the line extended outside of T.I.S. onto Sixth Street. By the time he arrived at the end of the line, it had reached the Starbucks on Green. Unfortunately, the lines between T.I.S. and Starbucks merged, causing Holman to enter the wrong queue. After an hour of waiting, Holman was left with a Venti Mocha Frappuccino and a trip back to the end of the bookstore line. As he approached the intersection of Sixth and Green, the line began rapidly moving. Unfamiliar with the street layouts of Champaign, Holman excitedly began to follow the line as it proceeded up Sixth and down Daniel. After a few minutes of walking, Holman stood in line at the front of Kappa Alpha Theta where an onslaught of chanting sorority girls swept him into the house and asked for one of his note cards.

THURSDAYS: NO COVER

$5 JAMESON & BACARDI DOUBLES $2.50 SKYY MIXERS & ORCHATA SHOTS

“We certainly thought it was odd that a boy would be allowed to formally rush a sorority,” commented Panhellenic Council member Jennifer McNewman. “However, we aren’t permitted to discriminate so he was admitted.” After a few generic conversations later, Holman was released from the house where he paraded around the rest of campus with the rush group, still lugging his textbooks. Realizing his oversight, Holman made his way back to T.I.S. where the line continued to extend around the residential streets. Holman has reportedly missed over seven classes during this time, as he has never made it to the storefront before it closed. As a result, the University has issued a hold on Holman’s account and is seeking to put him on academic probation. A spokesman for the University released a statement about Holman indicating that his admission to the College of Engineering is under question because “any idiot can figure out how a line works.” Holman is still waiting patiently, a block or two away from the store. But he’s already on chapter three of his calculus book, so there’s that.

NO LINE, NO WAITING, NO COVER SUNDAY-TUESDAY: $1 WELLS

WHY WOULD YOU GO ANYWHERE ELSE?

THURSDAYS

$2.50 SPECIALTY PINTS AND BOTTLES: Blue Moon, 312, Ranger IPA, Angry Orchard, Red’s Apple Ale, Sierra Nevada, Fat Tire, Red Stripe, Corona, Bud Light Platinum, Heineken, Wild Blue, Stella Artios

604 East Green Street | (217) 344-4372

gic ck! a i M ba ards are c Ba on ag Dr

401 E Green St • 217-344-4600

$1 BURGERS 8PM - MIDNIGHT

Continued from the cover That year also saw a desperate attempt to cut down on the writing staff. Editors were asked to hire one or two creative writing majors to simply make up news instead of spending time and money on researching and reporting the university's actual news. “We've had a successful history when it comes to making up quotes,” one editor said. “Once we even used the same made-up quote twice in two separate articles. That’s the cool thing about being the editor: I don’t have to give a shit. It's cool.” Many students and faculty members have become suspicious of the reasons why the Alma Mater is still missing from campus and most admit that they believe The Daily Illini is behind its absence. One student even said he has proof. “It was really late at night,” the student, Johnny Ripley, remembered. “I was walking back from Joe's, and I saw these really feeble nerds dressed in black trying to lift up the statue. There had to be like, 15 or 20 trying to lift it, but they were having trouble seeing what they were doing because their glasses kept falling off due to the ski masks they were all wearing. It was really pathetic, honestly. I could tell they were all writers. They finally got it up when a bunch more came to help, and they put it in one of those WPGU vans that sit behind the Illini Media building. You know, the ones that never get used. Well, anyways, they put the Alma Mater in the back of one of those vans and drove off toward Urbana.” Ripley said that The DI staff members saw him watching them and one approached him with a pen, trying to erase his memory “like Will Smith in Men in Black or something.” After an awkward few minutes of pen waving, clicking, and intense staring, the unidentified staff member collapsed to his knees and pleaded Ripley to not tell anyone. “He started crying and saying they had no other choice but to steal the statue,” Ripley said. “It was really sad, actually. Sometimes I honestly feel bad for their writing staff.” The investigative team here at The Black Sheep was able to confirm Ripley's story after a few minutes of browsing on eBay lead our reporters to some astonishing details. We discovered that the Illini Media Company has been selling pieces of the famed University landmark to alumni in order to pay off the $250,000 debt (and climbing) the company owes to its office building and printing company. The last sales were reported to be worth $545.98 each, for a nose and a toe (the one next to the pinky). “You wouldn't believe what that thing’s thighs were worth,” one staff member said. “It's just surprising that people on campus believed the whole 'it's in for repairs' thing for so long. Fucking idiots.”

a 15-year-old American girl's Tumblr.” Zong said that he is working with local authorities to resolve the issue and get his money back. “Well, unfortunately, The DI already sunk most of the money into their electricity and gas bill,” University Police Detective Sgt. Tom Geis told the press this morning. “Traditionally, our next step in cases like these is to force the criminal party to repay their debts and just move on, but let's be real, that place isn't paying anyone back anytime soon.”

While The Daily Illini is no stranger to evil financial plots, Zong said he feels the publication went too far.

University officials said that most students on campus aren't aware of Zong's incident, since none of them read the newspapers on campus anyway.

“The newspaper didn't even make sense,” Zong said through his translator. “I can only read a little bit of the English language, and still I noticed all the grammatical errors. At some points, some words were spelled so wrong that they made words in my language. And the opinions columns? Oh my gods, I'd rather read

“It's a real shame that this poor, young man's story didn't get widespread attention on campus,” President Robert Easter said. “But thank god we have a trustworthy newspaper like The Black Sheep to tell the news like it is.”

not happy with your housing?

APPLY & SAVE $239 WITH ZERO DOWN

Apply @ 309Green .com • 309 E. Green, Suite 103 • 217.366.3500 Rates, fees and deadlines are subject to change. See office for details. Limited time only.

serious By: Zach Wyrzykowski

series addictions

A Guide to Faking Your Way Through Any TV Series Conversation

So the first few weeks of the new semester have gone smoothly in the stenchbox you call a dorm. Your roommate probably isn’t going to skin you in your sleep, and you’ve been dodging the topic of favorite television programs until recently, when it reared its ugly head. You feel safe informing your roommate that you’ve casually dabbled in a few of the big dogs like Breaking Bad and The Walking Dead, when he springs on you a terrible truth: he follows his show with devoutness that would frighten the Pope, and now is insisting that you begin catching up on all 25 seasons while he tells you

how great each episode is. Somehow, he does this to the minutest of detail, while avoiding spoilers. Luckily, there’s a way to avoid this sweaty, fanfic-filled fate: fake it. With only a few vague references, a “favorite character” and a falsified understanding of some inside jokes thanks to your best buds at The Black Sheep, the most loyal Whovian can pass for a Game of Thrones nerd in all but the most engaging of conversations.

game of thrones

breaking bad The Gist: Walter White is a brilliant teacher until he gets cancer, starts cooking meth, shaves his head, and gets progressively more ruthless. Also his brother-in-law is in the DEA. This leads to delightful hijinks of the murder-y kind.

The Gist: Skyrim with politics. It sucks to be a Stark, the Lannisters are richer than Romney, and boobs are everywhere. Like: Tyrion. He’s a dwarf who can talk circles around every other character. He bones everything he can reach, and then some, before falling in love with a whore. A tough little bastard, overall.

Like: Jessie Pinkman, Walt’s cooking partner. He gets less chill with Walt’s self-serving tendencies throughout the series, and tries to distance himself from his meth-filled murder parade several times. Hate: Women. Walt’s wife, Jessie’s girlfriends, and really every other female in the series. They all end up screwing everything up for everyone all the time, somehow.

Hate: King Joffrey. He’s a blonde, seventeen-year-old ball of shit. If you ever mention him without using the words “rat bastard” in the same sentence, you’ve been found out. Fun Phrases: “Valar Morghulis.” “Dragons.” “Hodor.”

Fun Phrases: “Science, bitch!” “Say my name.” “Minerals.”

Difficulty to Fake: Difficult

Difficulty to Fake: Casual

The Newsroom The Gist: Will McAvoy is a news anchor for ACN, a fictional news network set in our universe. His ex-girlfriend/ executive producer shows up and helps him make the news less bullshit and more honest. The entire cast of coworkers get way too involved in each other’s personal lives. Like: Charlie Skinner, McAvoy’s boss and friend. His bow-tie always makes him look like a balloon salesman, and his freak-outs are always followed by large amounts of bourbon. Hate: Reese Lansing, the president of ACN. He’s a sneaky bastard who desperately tries to bring Will and his team down for the sake of profits from advertising. Fun Phrases: “Don Quixote.” “Throw out the rundown.” “Bigfoot.”

Difficulty to Fake: Easy

Sherlock The Gist: A twist on Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s classic detective tales set in modern times. Sherlock is essentially a more badass Sheldon Cooper with a stalwart sidekick and a Blackberry. Like: Irene Adler, dominatrix, master thief and the only person Sherlock shows any interest in romantically. Hate: James Moriarty. He’s as smart as Sherlock, with a metric ton more annoying mannerisms and facial expressions. Fun Phrases: “Mind palace.” “Sherlocked.” “Tea.”

Arrested Development The Gist: A recently-revived sitcom, this show follows the Bluths, a wealthy family with more self-destructive tendencies than Kurt Cobain. It falls to Michael, the unofficial head of the family, to stop the family from destroying itself. Like: Lucille Bluth. She’s an alcoholic, judgmental hypocrite with a dash of racism thrown in. Lucille could teach a college course on backhanded compliments.

Dr. who The Gist: Quirky time traveling British guy in a blue police box whose mission is to convince you that everything in the world is actually alive and trying to kill you. This show’s been going on since the beginning of time, so it’s probably best to avoid trying to watch every season at all costs. Like: The Doctor. All of them. There are 13, but they’re all the same person because British people drive on the left side of the road and scoff at things like logic and dentistry.

Hate: Barry Zuckerkorn. He’s the family’s bumbling lawyer, and frequently shows up to court even less prepared than the Bluths.

Hate: Daleks. They’re basically a race of R2-D2s, if R2-D2 was big, shiny, and wanted to electrocute everything with his dick.

Fun Phrases: “Banana stand.” “No touching.” ”Analrapist.”

Fun Phrases: “T.A.R.D.I.S.” “Sonic screwdriver.” “Exterminate.”

Difficulty to Fake: Medium

Difficulty to Fake: Expert

the walking dead The Gist: Zombies. But mostly people talking about them. Rick Grimes is the leader of a group of survivors, and spends most of his free time letting people screw him over, hallucinating about his dead wife, and not watching his son. Like: Daryl Dixon. He’s the no-bullshit redneck with a crossbow who exists to kick ass and take ears. Hate: Carl Grimes, Rick’s thirteen-year-old son. He thinks he’s hot shit because he gets to wear a cowboy hat and doesn’t flinch while shooting his mombie in the head. Fun Phrases: “Carl, get in the house.”

Difficulty to Fake: Elevated

Difficulty to Fake: Easy

the seek n find

can you find everything in this computer lab? Send your answers to classtime@theblacksheeponline.com - the first right answer gets a prize!

Your Guide to Walking Efficiently Across UIUC By: Brian Barsotti

If you’re like any lazy young adult, you may spend weeks, even months, looking for ways to shave off a minute or two from your daily commute. And if your commute to class happens to be at the University of Illinois’ campus, then there’s no better mode of transportation than walking … aside maybe from biking, taking the bus, driving, jogging, tunneling underground or riding a Segway. It’s all a matter of preference. Although walking to class appears to be straightforward, it’s not. There are so many seconds that could be saved from the average UIUC student’s walking commute—precious seconds which could otherwise be spent on other things, like waiting for class to start. So, consider these time-saving tips and tricks, if only for the sake of optimization. For starters, always look for the most direct route feasible. That “feasible” clause is key: You could demolish all the buildings that stand in the way along Wright Street between you and your straightest path to class, but you shouldn’t, because that’s illegal, apparently. You instead ought to search for little shortcuts. There are several fields and parking lots on campus that offer a fair amount of diagonal-ity (diagonalism?), and many buildings are practically begging to be cut through (we’re looking at you, Armory). See, rarely are your routes ever simply northand-south or east-and-west. That makes a world of difference in navigating city blocks. Let’s say you live on the northeast side of campus, over at Lincoln and Green. Most often, you’ll have to travel a bit south and a bit west, but you should frequently alternate which direction you’re going in. It’s stupid to walk along Green Street and expect any hint of quickness to your pace. That’s because when you go strictly in one direction, you have to wait for intersections. When you’re stopped by a traffic light in this scenario, you have the flexibility to say, “Fuck walking west. I’m walking south now.” The goal is to never just stand around. Whenever you’re waiting for your chance to cross a street, you’re wasting mildly valuable time. That’s why

intersections blow so hard. So here’s another suggestion: If you’re ever walking along a road like Wright Street (which has numerous threeway intersections), go on the side closer to the Quad and avoid needless road crossings. This advice might sound obvious, but as a pedestrian, you truly don’t want to have to deal with cars. Getting into a “No, you cross first, I insist” battle with a car takes more time and patience than you realize. The best way to avoid the bullshit of intersections is to jaywalk. It’s faster, and it’s safer. “How is jaywalking safer?” you ask. “Surely you jest!” Well, with jaywalking, you can time it such that no cars are coming from either direction when you cross the street. You don’t have that ability at intersections. At most intersections with traffic lights, you have to cross at the same time that cars are trying to turn right on a green. That doesn’t seem very safe to us. The greatest obstacle to efficient walking, however, is slow people. There’s no bigger source of misanthropy than people getting in your fucking way. You’ll want to plan your routes away from the densely-packed areas of campus: right outside of Foellinger, just south of the Illini Union and wherever else dim-witted freshmen and international students tend to coalesce. Of course, from time to time, you’ll also run into individuals who will somehow manage to block the entire sidewalk all by themselves. These are the people who walk slow enough to slow you down, yet just fast enough to not let you pass them. Those douchebags are annoying, so if you get stuck behind one, we recommend placing a curse on them that banishes them to another dimension. Walking is a useful and reliable means of getting around any college campus, and it doesn’t always have to suck. With the right knowledge, walkers are capable of strolling across UrbanaChampaign smartly, without much risk of delay or conflict. Sadly, the same can’t be said about bikers on campus—they’re still shit out of luck.

Ball Varieties ACROSS 2) A ballistic that sends warheads to a predetermined target. 4) The technical term for your man’s balls. 5) Lebron James, Michael Jordan, etc. 9) Foooore! 10) These high class ladies would attend a ball. 14) Ball State University is located in this state. 15) 30-Love 17) Soccer for the U.S. 18) This type of dance often happens on the ball of the foot. 19) Our beloved president is notoriously bad at this sport. 20) These popular pet snakes have a ball variety. DOWN 1) When a guy doesn’t get his rocks off, two words. 3) Football for the rest of the world.

crossword

6) “I Will Always Love You” by Whitney Houston is considered one of her greatest what? 7) Pizza cheese that comes in the shape of a ball. 8) “N****s in Paris (Ball So Hard)” came off of which album? 11) Sophisticated pool 12) Most popular game in Australia, played with a bat and ball. 13) If your s/o is a pain in your ass, they might be your ball and this. 16) Girls in Spandex play this.

CHECK OUR OUR 2 BEDROOM DELUXE FLOOR PLAN 32” FLAT-SCREEN TV INCLUDED + CLOSE TO CAMPUS + FULLY FURNISHED + ALL UTILITIES INCLUDED + FREE COMMUNITY LAUNDRY

A P P LY T O D AY @ T O W E R 3 R D . C O M • 2 1 7. 3 6 7. 0 7 2 0 • 3 0 2 E . J O H N S T R E E T, S U I T E 1 0 0 limited time only. see office for details.