Illinois - Issue 4 - 2/13/2014 by The Black Sheep

The Black Sheep

FRE FRI E... LI DAY KE . W HOW HO WA YOU A N TS R E TO P THI A RT S Y?

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Vol. 24, Issue 4

THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE

2/12/14 - 2/19/14

PRESIDENT EASTER-CHANCELLOR WISE

LOVE LETTERS UNCOVERED BY: UIUC STAFF

The investigative team at The Black Sheep has come across secret love letters emailed back-and-forth between President Robert Easter and Chancellor Phyllis Wise. The Black Sheep does NOT condone the inappropriate and vulgar language used in the following letters: To Chancellor Wise, from Robert Easter (January 25, 2014): Chancellor Wise, It has come to my attention that there is some “business” to attend to in your office this evening. I would like to pass along my confirmation for the “meeting” and would also like to warn you beforehand that my briefs need cleaning. I shall arrive without tardiness and fully expect to go well into the night with our interaction. I hope you're fully prepared to take my offer on the table. If not, perhaps the couch. Yours truly, President Easter To Robert Easter, from Phyllis Wise (January 26, 2014): President Easter, Thank you for the wonderful meeting last night. Speaking of briefs, mine haven't been dealt with as aggressively as you controlled them last evening in a very, very long time. Let me just say that our little business exchange has been on my mind all day. To be honest, I don't think I'd mind grinding out another long-winded meeting again tonight. Let's say, 11 p.m.? My office? If we can't come to terms and we aren't finished until the morning, I can just pull some strings and cancel class in the morning so we don't have to go in to work. But we'll see how well you've prepared for what I have in store for you. See you soon, Phyllis ;] From Robert Easter to Phyllis Wise (January 27, 2014): Philly, Screw it. Let those little shitheads go to class tomorrow, that way we can just meet in my office and barricade the door. Oh god, the things I want to do to you. Baby, let me tell you: I've never seen any other woman in my lifetime, my long lifetime, look sexier in a two-piece suit before. How do you do it? I know how I'd do it. Oh, Philly. Oh, love. Oh, god...what if they find these...? I love you but keep it quiet, Bobby CONTINUED ON PAGE 19

PAGE 6 STUDENT SICK OF PERVY GUYS GIVING OUT FREE HUGS

PAGE 8 ROOMIES' RELATIONSHIP BLOSSOMS THIS VALENTINE'S DAY

PAGE 18 LONELIEST MAN ON CAMPUS OBSESSED WITH VALENTINE'S DAY

WHY CAN'T THEY JUST BE ATTRACTIVE FOR ONCE?

A BREAKUP BRINGS TWO LOVERS BACK TOGETHER.

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The act of pretending to know about the wide world of modern technology. “Yeah, I think they call it 4G because it stands for ‘Good gravy, great gadget!’, or something like that,” Martin stated techknowledge-y.

Kitty Kat, Every time I read this paper, a little part of me dies inside. Everyone is so funny, and you’re so beautiful, and I wish I were talented enough to be on your staff. Since I know I’ll never be welcome at one of your infamous and distinguished team meetings, can you please tell me what goes on at them? I’m such a huge fan!

TWEET US @BLACKSHEEP_UIUC • FIRST RIGHT ANSWER WINS A PRIZE!

Thanks, Your #1 Groupie

LAST WEEK’S: ISU CY THE CYCLONE

Dear Desperate, First of all, we’re very flattered. Not many people put us up on a pedestal because we don’t have a fancy building on Green Street or a history with Roger Ebert. But we’re glad you’ve seen through all the glitz and glamour of the journalism world and realized that it’s a talented writing staff that matters the most.

STACHE SLUETH CAN YOU IDENTIFY THE MYSTERIOUS MAN WITH THE SWEET ‘STACHE? TWEET US @BLACKSHEEP_UIUC FIRST RIGHT ANSWER WINS A PRIZE!

LAST WEEK’S ANSWER: COLONEL SANDERS

Our weekly meetings usually take place in the basement of a house in Urbana. We’re not allowed to say when or specifically where because the last time that leaked out, we had a bunch of pizzas delivered there by a “secret admirer.” Although we enjoyed the 50 large pepperoni pies from Rosati’s, we weren’t very pleased that we had to foot the bill. As soon as everyone arrives, we shut the lights off and turn on our favorite Sounds of the Rainforest CD. Everyone takes off their clothes, and we sit in a circle and hold hands. As the Managing Editor, I begin the traditional ceremony. Once again, I can’t go into intricate detail about this, because if anyone at The DI got wind of how we wrangle together ideas, we’d be out of business really quick. I’ll explain it like this: Remember the first time you experienced an orgasm? Each member of our staff experiences that during our meetings, except they do it with the minds, a jar of mayonnaise and a ball-in-the-cup toy. I’m sorry I can’t disclose more information; I hope you understand. The Black Sheep is a sacred society. Forever Yours, Kitty Kat

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OUTBREAK OF COOTIES IN DORM CAUSES ISSUES Well, a Couple Issues, Kinda

BY: RIMA PARIKH An outbreak of cooties has been reported in ISR, causing pandemonium in the notoriously socially-inept residence hall. Experts say the cooties struck the hall around yesterday at midnight and have been attacking mostly science and engineering prisoners students ever since. The magnitude of this epidemic has not yet been calculated, but it is believed to be the largest cootie outbreak since that one time at the fourth grade recorder concert. What cooties actually are and do is still vague, mostly because no one really explained the concept back in elementary school (the point at which the virus peaked). Instead, students were just informed that “girls [are] weird” and “boys are smelly,” but nothing that would actually prove to be useful later on. But we do know this: The virus itself consists of individual “cooties” which resemble tiny beetles. Though they are acceptable in small quantities, they cause serious detriment to humans when absorbed in excess. They target the misanthropic

and socially awkward; their effect on well-adjusted individuals is negligible. They are mostly transmitted through physical contact and bathtub-made jungle juice—feets that leave people to question how engineers were infected, since they don’t receive either of those. As of right now, the symptoms of infection are still a bit unclear, but can range from a slight cough to regressing to calling shit “poop” or “doo-doo.” Although cooties are not typically fatal, the most severe cases of the disease are so bad one would wish to be dead instead. Freshman Amanda Lee was one of the unfortunate souls who caught the bug. Generally being a shy, reserved student in civil engineering, her roommate was rather confused when she saw her swinging from a newly-installed wrecking ball that had been mysteriously installed in their ceiling. “It was sort of a screwed up situation and a bit cliché,” commented Amanda’s

roommate. “I guess some people just don’t have cootie tolerance though, and that’s a shame. At first, I was a little nervous that I would catch the cooties from her, but then I remembered that I was a well-adjusted human being in the College of LAS who has actually kissed a guy before, so I felt better.” Another student fared even worse after being infected. When approached by our news team, the anonymous student simply said, “TELL MY PARENTS I LOVE THEM!” then exploded into a pile of jizz. He has remained a coagulating pile of jizz ever since. Upon hearing the news, the student’s parents expressed their grief to The Black Sheep. Fortunately, they reconciled their sadness by shrugging it off and rationalizing that “at least he was just the middle child.” To remedy the situation, a Change.org petition has been circulating around Facebook. The petition, created by fourth floor RA Tony Swallows, addresses the cootie community as a whole.

“I just want them to stop terrorizing my beloved residents, you know?” he said. “Like, you have cooties. Stay the eff away from me, am I right? They keep coming to my door to complain about it. Am I a doctor or something? And then they start vomiting all over the damn carpet. I don’t know if it’s from the cooties or from

the shock of socializing with an actual human. I just want them to go back to being hermits and let me drink alone in my room in peace.” Students can only hope that the cooties will return back to elementary school classrooms and playgrounds in due time.

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Student Sick of Pervy Guys Giving Out Free Hugs While many students appreciate when others hold signs emblazoned with “Free Hugs,” sophomore Greg Williams sees things in a different light. “The people giving out free hugs are always pervy-looking guys or chubby girls. I think that they’re desperately trying to get hugs and not the other way around. That’s wrong on so many levels,” stated Williams. Although the students giving out free hugs vehemently deny Williams’ statements, his claims began to gain credibility the more he pressed on atop his soapbox. “How often have you seen a gorgeous girl or a well-adjusted guy holding one of those signs?” asked Williams. “Now tell me how many times you’ve seen a person holding one of those signs and thought, ‘How can I avoid touching this stranger?’” The idea that the “Free Huggers” are, in fact, the people who need the hugs, and that their signs are a last ditch effort to coax some physical contact out of people is not a new concept. However, this is the first time someone has publicly stated their distaste for what many see as a sympathetic act. Kelly Reese, a freshman studying business, had an encounter with a Free Hugger last week that was less than pleasant. “I was walking through the Ike and there were like, five guys lined up with these signs. Once I made eye contact there was no escape, and this guy who smelled like old cabbage hugged me three seconds too long,” said an annoyed Reese. “Is there any way we can make an online petition banning them? Slacktivism is kind of my thing.” While the motives of giving out free hugs will vary from hugger to hugger, it is a topic worth scrutinizing, and those with ulterior motives should reconsider their actions. After speaking with Williams, he left us with a parting thought. “These hugs are not free. These hugs come at the cost of my ability to walk past some creep and not have to deal with their weird-ass bullshit.” Dan Mirabelli wrote this

STUDENT TO NOT USE CONDOM IN THE NAME OF LOVE Last Valentine’s Day, sophomore Ben Jacobs noticed students handing out free condoms on the Quad to promote safe sex. Jacobs took a condom from one of these students last year and promptly threw it in the garbage. From that moment onward, Jacobs made a vow that on Valentine’s Day every year he would not use a condom. Jacobs says that he didn’t make this vow to spite the people handing out the condoms, but because at that moment, he realized how impersonal condoms are. “I’d never really thought about it, but condoms

really suck. You’re literally putting a layer of plastic between you and your partner. I mean, that’s a metaphor within itself,” said Jacobs. “However, I’m not just going condom-less in the name of better sex. I’m an emotional guy, and I have a deep-rooted reason for everything that I do.” That is why it is in the name of intimacy and love that Jacobs made the pact with himself to go condomfree on Valentine’s Day. “Wearing a condom shows that you don’t want the girl you’re with to have your baby. Well, that’s just insulting to her, and I refuse to take part in

such a rude and insensitive act on, of all days, Valentine’s Day” Jacobs cried. “Babies aren’t that difficult. You’ve just got to take them to the bathroom and feed them a couple times a day and boom. Hear that? That’s the sound of some damn fine parenting.” Jacobs’ girlfriend Ally Thompson doesn’t see the situation the same way, “This is just Ben’s contrived way to not use a condom. He knows full-well that I’m not on the pill, and I refuse to take part in this ridiculous vow,” stated Thompson. Jacobs maintains that he has no ulterior motives and that his reasons for condom-less sex are pure as the driven snow. Nevertheless, as Valentine’s Day approaches, Jacobs has less and less time to convince Thompson that his vow isn’t just a lame attempt at not having to wear a condom. However, if Jacobs is unsuccessful, he says, “at least I won’t be with a tube sock like last V-Day.” Dan Mirabelli wrote this

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Point-Counterpoint:

Flowers vs. Chocolates KITTY KAT AND TEX MEX WROTE THIS It’s crunch time for Valentine’s Day gifts, and you don’t have much of a selection left at Walgreens by now. You have to decide between the two February 14 staples: flowers and chocolates. You only have $5 to spend because you’ve already committed to a $30 Olive Garden dinner with your lady lover. Which one do you choose? Kitty Kat: If you want to keep your valentine past the holiday, get her flowers. Why? Because they’re friggin’ beautiful, that’s why. Nothing else shows your girl that she’s exquisite, fresh, full of life and brilliant colors, and that she smells good (girls don’t like being smelly). It’s all metaphorical. Flowers are a special little reminder every time she walks by that she’s loved by a sweet gentleman who was smart enough to bring her flowers, NOT STUPID CHOCOLATES, for

Valentine’s Day. Plus, she’ll love the fact that she can make her roommates jealous by putting them on display in the apartment for weeks and weeks—even after they wilt and die. Tex Mex: You know what else is metaphorical? The way those flowers are going to shrivel up and die just like your obviously crippled relationship if you’re seriously resorting to something as useless as flowers for your gal pal. What’s the point of getting your valentine something that she’s going to look at once and then toss on her nightstand until their date with the trash bin? With chocolates, you get sweetness and utility. Your girlfriend doesn’t feel like cooking after class? BOOM, she can open that Fannie May box and pop in a truffle or six. That’s at least a week’s worth of satisfying the tip of the food pyramid.

You can’t eat flowers, though. You know what eats flowers? Goats. Do you really get your sick kicks out of indirectly calling your valentine a goat? Kitty Kat: But let’s look ahead, shall we? What if your girl does come home every day and scarf down a truffle or two? If you keep up this lame gift for every holiday during the year, pretty soon you’ll be dating a cow. A grade-A heifer. And don’t pretend you’re one of those “different” guys who can see past a girl’s frumpy exterior and into her artery-clogged heart. When she gets fat, you’ll be outta there. Flowers, on the other hand, don’t pose any risk of heart attack or obesity. And if your girl ends up eating the flowers, then I guess you do have a goat on your hands. But then that’s on you. Who would of thought you’d be into that bestiality stuff?

Tex Mex: Speaking of bestiality, we need to take sex into account too, however. According to Daniel H. of Yahoo! Answers, women love chocolate so insatiably because “its linked to there sexual part of the brain wich means takin them to poundtown lol.” You heard it here first, fellas. This is Poundtown we’re talking—population: you and the lucky little lady you showered with raspberry dark chocolate morsels from Godiva. Remember, Mint Meltaways aren’t just meant for the tongue (ow-ow), so feel free to redefine the term “hot chocolate” while you’re going at it. The closest way to make flowers even remotely sexy is by tossing petals on the bed … which is lame as shit. Kitty Kat: There are a lot of dangers lurking inside

a delicious, seemingly innocent chocolate-covered cherry. What if she’s allergic to chocolate? Milk? Red dye? Gluten? The possibilities are endless. One little bite could be her last. When it comes to flowers, the worst thing to worry about is allergies, and with the way the weather has been lately, a little runny nose ain’t nothin’ new. And I’m pretty sure shoving chocolate morsels up a vagina—or whatever weird shit you were hinting at— isn’t gynecologist-approved. What if you poisoned her vagina, man? What if it gets all moldy and falls off? Keep that

in mind. Chocolate = no more vagina. I think that settles it. Tex Mex: Please, one measly, little yeast infection isn’t going to single-handedly cause vaginal eradication. It takes at least three of those and one hell of a herpal outbreak to do that. But if you think chocolate in the bedroom isn’t safe, bear in mind that there was once a dude who thought it would be “cute” to surprise his wife by stemming a tulip from his penis. When he tried to remove it, the bottom of the stem got lodged inside of him, literally ripping his urethra to

shreds. Contrary to popular belief, girls actually don’t think self-vasectomization is hot. Ultimately, just put it this way: If your date hates flowers, then what the fuck are you going to do with them? If your date hates chocolates, then who’s going to eat them? You and the rest of the dudes during the Golden Girls marathon, that’s who. Although Tex Mex had the most compelling argument, don’t you think you should know your girlfriend by now? Don’t you know the type of shit she likes? C’mon man.

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Roomies’ Relationship Blossoms Again This Valentine’s Day CHRIS BOURG WROTE THIS Freshmen Adam Kedra and Stevie Lincoln began living with each other as strangers in the Six Pack at the beginning of the fall semester. Before long, this random roommate assignment had blossomed into a thriving relationship. “We did everything together,” said Stevie, reflecting on the early days of when he and Adam first met. “Going to freshmen orientation events, eating dinner at the cafeteria, sharing a STAT 100 book. We were so happy doing everything together.” Stevie said his favorite nights were definitely the ones where Adam would came back home from hanging out with the guys in his fraternity, and they’d play video games and eat a pizza that Stevie would purchase.

Gone were the days of roommate bonding nights, sharing stories with each other of how their days went, and walking together to class. Adam became more distant and acted in a more reserved manner around Stevie. “It was starting to worry me,” said Stevie. “Adam wasn’t around as much, and when he was, he wasn’t acting like his usual self. And he never wanted to do anything with me anymore. Something was clearly amiss, but I just couldn’t put my thumb on what the problem was.”

“Adam would usually end up eating the entire pizza himself,” Stevie giggled. “But it made him happy, which in turn made me happy. It was great because even though he was my only friend on campus, he was the only one I needed.”

Stevie soon found out what—more precisely, who—had placed him and Adam’s relationship on dire straits, and the revelation devastated him. “I came back to our dorm after class one afternoon and saw my Adam cuddled up on our futon with some harlot,” Stevie recalled, in tears. “The same futon that we shared so many good times on was now being occupied by some WHORE. Adam was the only person in my life, but apparently he didn’t have that same devotion to me.”

But as the semester progressed, Stevie noticed that Adam began to change.

Day by day, Stevie got phased out of Adam’s life. He found himself looking

through the window of the cafeteria in the pouring rain while Adam and his new girlfriend enjoyed meals together. Instead of holding conversation with each other in their dorm room, Stevie sat in silence while Adam spent his time talking to or texting his girlfriend. What hurt Stevie most was the end of his and Adam’s pizza-and-movie nights. “Instead of the two of us eating some pizza and enjoying a film, he would invite that bitch whore over to our room and ask me to leave so they could have alone time,” Stevie said, seething. “I’d always say I would go for a walk, but what I really did was sit outside the room and listen to what was happening inside. Hearing all the fun she was having just killed me. That should have been me!” In desperation, Stevie began pulling out all the stops to win back the affection of his roommate. “I wasn’t going to let him go without a fight,” Stevie said. “At first, I made collages out of words from magazine headlines to describe our relationship and how much I missed him. When that didn’t work, I stood outside

our dorm room, throwing rocks at the window while playing A Drop in the Ocean on guitar. Even that didn’t pry him away,” said Stevie. “I gave up hope and ceded victory to that dirty tramp.” Adam and his girlfriend continued to date for the rest of the fall semester and into winter break, sending Stevie down into a spiraling depression. In the midst of Stevie’s darkest days though, a light appeared. “After we moved back in for the new semester, Adam told me that he and that homewrecker were no longer dating. It was the greatest news ever!” Stevie yelled. “I wanted to be sensitive to Adam’s feelings, but at the same time I couldn’t

contain my excitement knowing things were going to go back to the way they’re supposed to be.” When asked what the two of them had planned for the upcoming Valentine’s Day holiday, Stevie proudly said, “Adam made a reservation to go to Olive Garden with that slut before they broke up, so I’m going in her place. I personally am excited for the prospect of ‘accidentally’ eating the opposite end of a strand of spaghetti Adam has in his mouth,” Stevie beamed with excitement. “Then we’ll wrap up the night by watching a movie in our dorm. Even though we’ll have already gone to dinner, I’ll probably order a pizza for us too and watch Adam eat it, just for old time’s sake.”

CURRENT EVENTS

Inspired by RoboCop Remake,

University of Illinois Police Introduce BioniCop

Christensen then turned reporters’attention to a tall object with a cloth draped over it, which he unveiled to reveal a cyborg made of shining metal armor and a battle visor equipped with one red laser lens running across its face. Underneath the visor was the bottom half of a human face; a nose, mouth, chin and cheeks. Reporters gazed at the part man, part machine in awe as Christensen explained exactly what it was they were looking at. “The Division of Public Safety teamed up with those ECE nerds from Everitt to create a relentless law-enforcing machine called BioniCop. We took one of our officers, who was mortally wounded after being stabbed while trying to run away from a deranged homeless woman, and turned him into a droid that can single-handedly eliminate all crime and criminals from campus. Ladies and gentlemen, we rebuilt him.“ Christensen then launched into a presentation of how BioniCop will keep campus safe. “The threats and dangers that plague the campus community will be no more once BioniCop starts patrolling the streets,” said Christensen. “Obviously, one of the most serious crimes committed on this campus is underage drinking. We simply don’t have the manpower to raid every bar on a nightly basis to stamp out this problem, which we have made our number one priority. That’s why we installed infrared vision in BioniCop’s

lens, so he could scan the bar for underage drinkers, identify the perpetrators, and print and distribute drinking tickets to the offenders.” The Chief continued, “This technology will finally allow us to efficiently bust parties that serve alcohol to minors as well. BioniCop is able to move so quickly through the streets that he can run a clean sweep on every campus bar and residential building several times in one evening. Let this be a warning to those scumbags who throw parties on Unofficial Saint Patrick’s Day,” the Chief said firmly, finger wagging. “BioniCop’s ready to hand out felonies like you hand out green Jell-O shots to easy freshmen girls.”

“BioniCop also has a built-in parking meter monitor that alarms him when a car is parked at an unpaid meter,” said Christensen. “BioniCop will immediately stop what he is doing when his unpaid meter alarm goes off and go straight to the offender’s car to slap it with a ticket. Unless he’s busting an underage drinker, of course. Then the parking ticket will have to wait until he finishes giving out that ticket. Gotta take care of the important things first.” Another priority for BioniCop is to enforce the new smoking ban on campus, which many critics thought would be unenforceable. “One of the weapons BioniCop comes

TOP

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BEYONCÉ TRAITS TO BE A GOOD VALENTINE BY: SAMMIE SEA

If your love life has been bringing you down all semester, the last thing you want is to feel even worse about yourself on Valentine’s Day. How do you seal the deal on February 14th without trying way too hard or cracking under pressure? Don’t worry. All you gotta do is channel your inner Beyoncé. We’ll show ya how!

BY: BRIAN BARSOTTI After two years of catching flak from students, parents, and community members for the increase in crime on campus, the University’s Division of Public Safety held a press conference yesterday to introduce their solution to the problem. “We’re not deaf to the criticism about the rising crime rates and lack of success in catching criminals,” said Chief of University Police Jeff Christensen. “University Police have a responsibility, one that we take very seriously, to keep students on campus safe, and we have been falling behind in that regard. In response, we have used the money we’ve earned from underage drinking tickets to fund the search for a solution to our crime problem, which we will reveal now.”

THE

equipped with is a Freeze Ray, which will turn a target into an icicle in an instant,” Christensen said. “If he detects cigarette smoke on campus, BioniCop will locate the smoker, freeze him on the spot, and leave him with a hefty fine to pay once he thaws out. Doing this will allow us to punish the smoker effectively, put out the cigarette without further damaging the environment, and give BioniCop the opportunity to drop badass one-liners such as, ‘I guess smoking really does make you cool!’” Christensen then brought reporters outside to further d e m o n s t rate B i o n i Co p’s capabilities, saying that they were going to “love this shit.”“Now that we have BioniCop on the force, we can start being stricter about enforcing our jaywalking laws,” said Christensen. Christensen then set a squirrel in the street to simulate a jaywalker, to which BioniCop immediately responded by shooting it with a laser beam from its lens, obliterating the squirrel on the spot. “Jaywalkers put everyone’s lives at risk, so we’re going to put an end to theirs,”said Christensen. “But before BioniCop eliminates the offender, he will do a scan to identify him so we can track down his family and collect the $75 jaywalking fine.” As impressive as BioniCop’s abilities to distribute tickets and handle kids who commit petty misdemeanors were, reporters asked how he would handle tougher violent crimes, such as armed robbery, sexual assault, and battery. “Despite being a marvel of modern technology possessing amazing capabilities and features, BioniCop still has a human element about him,” explained Christensen. “Because of this, he still instinctually acts as a human cop. So, when he encounters a violent criminal or dangerous situation, he will react exactly how any of us would: by running away like a sissy or avoiding the situation entirely.”

10.) Have Friends with Benefits: Political benefits that is. There’s nothing more powerful than knowing the right people to make you look like a hot shot. For example, Beyoncé has Barack and Michelle, and try telling us that isn’t intimidating (and sexy) as hell. At the university level, go for the student body president. Or, if you want someone with actual power to impress your crush, you could always befriend the door guy at Joe’s. 9.) Be Confident: Bey makes the world her catwalk (see “Crazy in Love” music video for proof), and there’s nothing sexier than someone who loves who they are without being a jackass about it. Turning heads requires a commanding presence. Not overwhelming cleavage (although a little bit of it is OK by us). 8.) Be Bootylicious: College is the Era of the Booty, and we don’t think you’re ready for this jelly. Boobs are a high school boy’s game. If you’re looking to attract winners, drop it like a squat. This goes for men too; women like a tight butt in jeans. So stop saying you “don’t have time” to get to CRCE. Your ass will thank you in the long run. 7.) Close the Book: No one needs to know every detail about your life; a little mystery can be enticing. It’s also the reason people are obsessed with Beyoncé and Jay. It’s their undisclosed life that keeps people wanting more. (Who is Blue Ivy, really?). So before you post about the “rad poop” you just had, think about who’s gonna be reading it. 6.) Be Independent: Bey has been with Jay-Z for over a decade, but you never see her leaning on him to get through her career. If your dude doesn’t want to go out to Red Lion tonight, so what? Who cares? Go with the girls and do your own thing, just don’t get caught by an @IlliniMakeouts contributor. 5.) Become Mononymous: Being known by a single name is a power move, especially if it’s a common one. Granted, you’ll have to either be talented enough or outrageous enough to make that mononym stick. Just remember, the Queen B always keeps outrageous classy so make sure your underwear stays on at least. 4.) Be Passionate: Find something that you truly love and express it. People can sense when others are just faking it ‘til they make it. If you’re genuine in what you’re passionate about, people will be drawn to your enthusiasm and respect you even more. Maybe you’re really into tequila? Show us how fast you can take 10 shots! 3.) Step Out of the Shadow: Constantly playing the wingman leaves you on the DL for dating. Stepping out as the Beyoncé once in a while shows people that your best friend isn’t the only one who can sit on a pedestal. Our point? Stop being the Kelly Rowland of your group, dammit. 2.) Be Unpredictable: Like dropping a visual album in the middle of the night or casually rubbing your belly to announce your pregnancy at the VMAs. You may not be able to go as extreme as Mrs. KnowlesCarter, but you can certainly be wild and spontaneous once in awhile … safely, of course. 1.) Be Your Own Sasha Fierce: Not even Beyoncé can be Beyoncé all the time. Create your own alter ego that will allow you to step out of your comfort zone and show people who you really are. (This is basically just a fancier way of saying ‘create a drunk name’.)

Although reporters seemed uncomfortable with the answer, Christensen assured them, “BioniCop has one directive programmed into him that he will follow at all times: make us money. Those department holiday parties don’t pay for themselves, you know!”

READ MORE ONLINE THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

David Stern Steps Down as NBA Commissioner Due to Nonstop Crying After Seeing Her SCOTTY G. WROTE THIS David Stern has been the NBA commissioner for 30 years, and during his tenure the NBA has gone from a minor league in America to a powerhouse all over the globe. It changed from a collection of 10 teams to a coalition of 30 behemoth franchises which, other than soccer, bring in more revenue worldwide than any other sports league. He’s had his fair share of controversies— from vetoing legal trades, to suspicion of fixing the draft, to fining Mark Cuban just ‘cause it’s Wednesday—but under his reign the NBA has flourished. That’s why some say it’s a shame to see him go. Stern stepped down from his position earlier this month, but the real reason has just been made public. The decision to turn over the job to Adam Silver had nothing to do with his age but rather his heart. Stern has not stopped crying since watching the movie Her. The Golden Globe winner for Best Screenplay, Her features a man who falls in love with an artificially intelligent operating system. It fucking tore David Stern’s heart to shreds. In a press conference today, Stern made the following statement through a waterfall of tears:

“I only saw the movie because my niece wouldn’t stop bugging me about it. I just wanted to sit through a nice romantic comedy. But no, instead I saw a brilliantly meditative piece on the struggles of modern relationships.” He paused to blow his nose obnoxiously into an already-soaked hanky. “I always get emotional this time of year, but this movie just pushed me over the deep end. I mean, how can I focus on advanced statistics about Kevin Durant’s fourth quarter jump shot selection when I keep breaking down hysterically every time Siri tells me about the weather?” Although many people just saw the movie and didn’t think too much of it afterward, this was not the case for Stern. In fact, the mechanical metaphors haunted him long after the film’s showing. “Never before did I have to spend so much of the workday trying to understand the true nature of emotion. At first, I thought the operating system’s ’feelings’ were just a farcical imitation of human affectations, but at what point does the complexity of processing get classified as a real sensation?

If the granular programming of the system means that it’s not real, then doesn’t that mean that a detailed explanation of our brain’s neurological firings gives us the inescapable conclusion that our emotions are fake too?! Oh god, why couldn’t I have just watched Frozen again?” At the mention of the latest Disney hit, hands shot up in the crowd as press members pushed for Stern’s comments on the film. “Commissioner! Do you relate more with Elsa or Anna and why?” “Excuse me, Mr. Stern, what do you believe would be the best way to tell Olaf, the comical snowman, that he will, in fact, melt in the sun under normal circumstances?” After a few minutes of uncontrolled scream-crying, nose-blowing and question-answering, Stern gathered up enough strength to continue. “Look, I love my job. I cherish every little part of it. I get to travel around the country interacting with some of the greatest athletes in the world. I get to make decisions of incredible importance regarding the sport I love. Love, there’s that word again, dammit,” Stern sniffled. “But I don’t even

know what it means anymore. Is love just a false veneer that we all agree to go along with to meet social expectations? I thought that love was an intimacy that could only be achieved between two physical beings, but this devastatingly beautiful masterpiece has made me question everything I know. Maybe you can love a computer. Maybe you can love an alarm clock. Maybe Steve Carell really does love lamp! It’s an

uncompromising work with unmatched depth. I’m sorry for all the waterworks, but I just … I just can’t ... excuse me…” As Stern scuffled quickly off the stage, sports journalists slowly started to sneak out of the room. Stern was found an hour later in the bathroom, curled up in a ball and mumbling about Joaquin Phoenix’s Oscar snub.

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The Bar Grid Page 2 of 3 SPECIAL NIGHT

Through February! $11 64oz Fishbowls $6 32oz Personal Pitchers $2 Fireball Shots

Thursday Night's Show FELIX CARTAL with LOVE & LIGHT, SPANKALICIOUS and DISFLOW

THURSDAYS! $2 WELLS & Hot Stuff $3 Jager & Vegas Bombs $3 ICE BOMB 16oz DRINK!

SATURDAY! DJ Mingram w/ MCs Prince Aki and T.R.U.TH. 9pm, FREE before 11:30pm!

SATURDAY! OPEN AT 6AM USA Hockey vs RUSSIA! FREE Red, White & Blue PANCAKES with the purchase of any beverage!

Wednesday 2/12

Wing Night! $0.25 Wings $1.50 High Life, $2 Flavored LITs, $2 Jager Bombs

GLOW & FLOW Wednesdays EDM and Dance Music spun by your favorite campus DJs! Come dressed to glow!

$2 Long Islands $2 Hot Stuff Shots $2 Wells

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

Bud Mug Night $1 SHOTS! $3.99 BUFFALO CHICKEN 4-10pm with your choice of standard side!

Thursday 2/13

$1 Wells, $2 UV Vodka Drinks $2 Fireball, $2 PBR 16oz Tall Boys, $3 Long Islands, $5 Domestic Pitchers

FELIX CARTAL with LOVE & LIGHT, SPANKALICIOUS and DISFLOW

$2 WELLS & Hot Stuff $3 Jager & Vegas Bombs $3 ICE BOMB 16oz DRINK!

The Koffin Kats, $8, 8:45pm w/ The Heavies

$5 WRAPS 4pm-10pm $2 WELLS, HALF PRICE WHISKEY! $3 Jack, Makers & Jameson

Friday 2/14

$2 Jager Bombs & $2 Wells, $2.50 Miller Lt/Coors Lt, $3 Three Olives Mixers, $3 3O Premium LITs, $3 Hot Shots, $7 Domestic Pitchers, $1 Cherry Bombs & O Bombs

COTTON CLUB 2014 WORST BEHAVIOR

Fridays are the SHIrT! Happy Hour Food Specials 5pm-9pm, Get a Different Cly's Shirt Every Week!, $3 Monster Mash Ups, $3 Captain Morgan, $3 Jager Bombs, $3 Bud Light Tallboys

Closed for a Private Party Book Your Next Event Here! Email us for more info info@cowboy-monkey.com

Saturday 2/15

$2 Jager Bombs & $2 Wells, $2.50 Miller Lt/Coors Lt, $3 Bacardi Mixers, $3 Hot Shots, $7 Pitchers $1 Cherry Bombs & O Bombs

KAPPA KOTTON KLUB

$3 Jim Beam $3 Three Olives Vodka $3 Cuervo Shots $3 Rum Chata Shots $3 Bud Light Bottles

DJ Mingram w/ MCs Prince Aki and T.R.U.TH. 9pm, FREE before 11:30pm!

OPEN AT 6AM - USA Hockey vs RUSSIA! FREE Red, White & Blue PANCAKES with the purchase of any beverage! ILLINI vs OHIO STATE 7pm Get the New MEGA GLASS MUG!

Sunday 2/16

Closed...But... Through February! $11 64oz Fishbowls $6 32oz Personal Pitchers $2 Fireball Shots

YONDER MOUNTAIN STRING BAND with THE TRAVELIN MCCOURYS

Book your Next Party at Clybourne! Contact us at CochraneParty@gmail.com or call 217-722-9000

Big Dave's Trivia Night FREE, 7:30PM! $1 Miller High Life Drafts, $2 Miller Lite Drafts, $2 Jameson Shots $5 Red Bull Vodkas, $5 Nacho

$2 ANYTHING in the House! $3.99 for 10 Haus WINGS!

Monday 2/17

Mason Jar Monday! $2 Double Wells, $2 Buweiser & Bud Light Drafts, $5 Budweiser & Bud Light Pitchers

MONDAY NIGHT HOUSE PARTY! $1 Drink Specials! $2 Manolos Pizza specials! Live local bands each week!

$1 U CALL ITS $2 Voli Premium Vodka

Book Your Next Event Here! Email us for more info info@cowboy-monkey.com

Pop Culture Trivia Night Starts at 7:30pm Win Weekly Prizes! $1 Bud Light Drafts HALF PRICE APPETIZERS $3 Any Craft Beer

Tuesday 2/18

$2 Wells, $2 Domestic Drafts $2 Craft Drafts* *Not all Beers included $2 Shot of the Week

$2 Real Long Islands! CAMPUS COMEDY SHOWCASE: Early! Live comedy from some of CU's funniest! THE PIANO MAN: Late! Playing all your favorites!

$8 Bottles of Wine $8 Bottles of Champagne $2 Bud Light Bottles $2 Wells

Open Mic Night - Free! Sign-Up Starts at 9:30pm $1 Off All Drafts $3 Jameson Shots

Wednesday 2/19

Wing Night! $0.25 Wings $1.50 High Life, $2 Flavored LITs $2 Jager Bombs

GLOW & FLOW Wednesdays EDM and Dance Music spun by your favorite campus DJs! Come dressed to glow!

$2 Long Islands $2 Hot Stuff Shots $2 Wells

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

BITTERNESS BASH!

Live Music from the Social Alcohol Band Best Breakup Story Wins A Trip to Miami! 9pm-Midnight

BAR OLYMPICS BEGINS! Barstool Basketball WIN A JAGER TAP MACHINE! $2.99 Cheeseburger & Side 4-10pm $2 WELLS & Hot Stuff Fat Tuesday - $3 SoCo Hurricanes!

BAR OLYMPICS Day 2! Karaoke Challenge! Win Bud Light Snow Gear

If you don’t start following us... YOU WON’T KNOW WHAT’S SO DAMN FUNNY.

@BLACKSHEEP_UIUC Scan to go right to the page!

KAM'S

The Bar Grid Page 2 of 3 DOWNTOWN

WEDNESDAYS: $2 Redd's $3 Redd Devils $2 Fireball

FRI/SAT: $10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

FRIDAY! "I Got a Heart On for You!" Match your Heart and Win! $2 Bottles, $3 Pinnacle Red Girls, New Miller Fortune Beer - 1st 150 Covers get Free Glass, Grand Prize = 2 Hour Limo Package

$2.50 Red Stripe, $3 Jack Daniels, $3 Bacardi Redbull

Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!

$2 Redd's $3 Redd Devils $2 Fireball

GREEK NIGHT! Wear Your Letters, Get a Small Pizza for $1! Half Off Drafts! (Except Miller High Life) $1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells, $2 Imports

Platinum Wednesdays! $2 Platinum, Crown & Shock Top Bottles, $1.50 Bud & Bud Lt Bottles, $3 3 Olives Vodka Drinks, $4 Blue Guys, $2 Cuervo Shots, $2 Rumchata Shots, $3 Cereal Shots, Bud Shoot to Win Contest!

$3 Drafts, $4 White Russians, $4 RumChata Colada

Risque Thursday! $3 Imports, $5 Long Islands, $5 Sex on the Beach

$2 Bud Light (Drafts) $2 Captain $2 Jager Bombs

$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors

KLUB KAM’S THURSDAYS! $2 UV Drinks, $3 Blue Guys $2 Hot Stuff Shots, $3 Captain Morgan, $5 KamsIslands, $2 Lite/Coors Lt Bottles & Drafts $6 Pitchers, DJ EarCandy

$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy, $5 Jagerbombs

DJ Delayney at 10pm, $4 Double Wells, Free Before 10:30 w/ Student ID

$6 Shandy Pitchers (Orange, Lemon Berry, Summer) $3 Jim Beam, $3 Pinnacle

$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

"I Got a Heart On for You!" Match your Heart and Win! $2 Bottles, $3 Pinnacle Red Girls, New Miller Fortune Beer 1st 150 Covers get Free Glass, Grand Prize = 2 Hour Limo Package

Saturday 2/15

Catch all the games here!

De Noche! Free Salsa Dance Class at 9pm, Dancing til 2am! $6 Beer + Shot Combo, $3 Select Beers, $3 Rum + Cola

$6 Lunchbox Pitchers $3 Bacardi $3 American Harvest

$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

Open EARLY for USA Hockey! $2 22oz Bud/Bud Lt./Rolling Rock Drafts, $4 UV Blue Guys, $3 Wells, $2 Jager Shots & Bombs, Jake Jude Spinning Live, Blackhawk Legends Lounge Ticket Giveaway: 1/25-2/22

Sunday 2/16

$5 Nachos, $6 Wings, $4 Bloody Marys, $5 Pitchers of Miller and Bud Light, $3 Vodka Redbull

Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gamil.com

$11 Build Your Own Bucket (BYOB) $2 Jager Bombs $2 Don Q and Blackbeard

$2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells, $5 Personal Pizzas with 2 Toppings $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

Sunday Funday! $2 U CALL IT (Domestic, Craft & Import Bottles, Domestic & Craft Drafts, Well Drinks & Shots), $5 Pitchers

Monday 2/17

$2 Bud Light and Miller Lite Drafts, $3 Jameson, 1/2 off Apps after 8pm

Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gamil.com

MNJ! $2 Bud Platinum Bottles $2 Smirnoff Drinks/Shots $3 RBV with Smirnoff

$1.50 High Life Drafts! $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

$2 U CALL IT (Domestic, Craft & Import Bottles, Domestic & Craft Drafts, Well Drinks & Shots) $5 Pitchers

$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells

Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gamil.com

Tequila Tuesday and 8th Grade Dance! $2 Blue Moon $2 Cuervo featuring Cinge

1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)

$1 Coors, Coors Lt. Bottles & Drafts, $1.50 Bourbons $3 Blue Guys, $2 Fireball & Doctor Shots, $3 Redds & Fireball or Rootbeer Beers

$2 Redd's $3 Redd Devils $2 Fireball

GREEK NIGHT! Wear Your Letters, Get a Small Pizza for $1! Half Off Drafts! (Except Miller High Life) $1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells, $2 Imports

EVERY DAY! $4 Fireball Shots $4 StrawBerRitas

SATURDAY! De Noche! Free Salsa Dance Class at 9pm, Dancing til 2am! $6 Beer + Shot Combo, $3 Select Beers, $3 Rum + Cola

Wednesday 2/12 Thursday 2/13

SPECIAL NIGHT

Friday 2/14

Tuesday 2/18 Wednesday 2/19

$2.50 Red Stripe, $3 Jack Daniels, $3 Bacardi Redbull

Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!

Country Night!

Party w/ the Fireball Girls!

ARE YOU READY FOR UNOFFICIAL? ORDER ONLINE TODAY! BLACKSHEEPSWAG.COM “DO IT WITH YOUR BEST FRIENDS” SHIRT UNOFFICIAL 2014 SWEATSHIRTS ALSO AVAILABLE

KNITTED KOOZIES

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The Bar Grid Page 3 of 3 Thirsty Thursday! $2 All Domestic Beers, $2 All Well Drinks

Trivia Every Sunday @ 10 Bar Bingo Every Monday @ 10

SATURDAY! OPEN at 6AM! USA Hockey vs Russia! Cracked Food Truck 6-7am Mimosas & Long Islands on Special - Win Blackhawks Tickets & Jersey!

EVERY DAY! $4 High Life Pitchers $3 Jager Bombs, $3 Jameson Shots, $1 Kamikazes

SATURDAY! 1/2 Price Appetizers 3pm-9pm $3 3 Olives, Crown, and Captain Morgans, $3 You-Call-It Wells and Drafts

SPECIAL NIGHT

$2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles

Logo Mug Night! Bud Light $2.50 Sailor Jerry Singles $5 Pinnacle and 2 Ginger Irish Whiskey Doubles, $2.50 Orchata and Fireball, $6 PBR and Hamm's Pitchers, $4 Jager Bombs

BUCKET NIGHT! $3 Natty Light Pitchers, $4 Jim Beam Buckets, $4 Pinnacle Vodka Buckets, $4 Cruzan Rum Buckets, $2 Rum Chata Shots

$4 High Life Pitchers $2 U Call It $3 Jager and Vegas Bombs $4 Car Bombs

$0.50 Jumbo Wings, $1 Tenders, $7.50 Rum & Cola Pitchers, $7.50 Miller & Coors Pitchers, $2 Fireball and Doctor Karaoke Night w/ DJ Outlaw!

Wednesday 2/12

Thirsty Thursday! $2 All Domestic Beers, $2 All Well Drinks

$2.50 Blue Moon, Green Line, Rebel IPA, 312, Lagunitas Pints, $2.50 Red Stripe, Corona, Left Hand Stout, Heineken, Smirnoff Ice Bottles, $2.50 Bacardi and Malibu Singles, $5 Jameson Doubles, $4 Murphy's Pub Bomb

SHACKER NIGHT! $5 SHACKERS with Monster Energy, $2 UV Vodka $2 Hot Stuff Shots $3 Bud Light Bottles

Burger Night! $1 Burgers 8pm - Midnight $4 High Life Pitchers, $2 U Call it, $2 Soco Lime

1/2 off Sandwiches after 4pm Das Boot! $3 Boot, $5 Fill All Drafts (except Guinness) $3 Jim, Jack and Soco, $2 Horse-Chata

Thursday 2/13

BIG FRIDAY! No Cover Charge

$3 Sam Adams Family Pints $2.50 Wild Turkey Singles $5 Skyy Doubles, $2.50 Jose Cuervo and Blackbeard Shots, $4 Jager Bombs

OPEN AT 5pm! $1 FATTY NATTY’S, $1 BURNETT’S WHIPPED VODKA $3 Jim Beam, $3 Jager Bombs $3 ILLINI Long Islands

$4 High Life Pitchers, $2 U Call it

1/2 off German Sausage Meals after 4pm $2 Redd's, $2.50 Coronas $3.50 Bacardi Flavors

Friday 2/14

SOLO CUP SATURDAY! No Cover Charge

$2.50 Jameson Singles $5 Bacardi and Malibu Doubles $2.50 Jose Cuervo Shots $4 Jager Bombs

OPEN at 6AM! 'Merica! USA Hockey vs Russia! Cracked Food Truck 6-7am Mimosas & Long Islands on Special - Win Blackhawks Tickets & Jersey!

$2 U Call It $4 Pitchers

1/2 Price Appetizers 3pm-9pm $3 3 Olives, Crown, and Captain Morgans, $3 You-Call-It Wells and Drafts

Saturday 2/15

Sunday Funday! $3 All Drafts

Trivia Starts @ 9pm! $2.50 Blue Moon, Green Line, Rebel IPA, 312, Lagunitas Pints $2.50 Red Stripe, Corona, Left Hand Stout, Heineken, Smirnoff Ice Bottles, $2.50 Orchata and Dr McGillicuddy, $6 PBR and Hamm's Pitchers, $4 Murphy's Pub Bomb

Book your next party at Red Lion! Contact us at CochraneParty@gmail.com or call 217-722-9000

Closed Eeat some chicken strips at Papa D's!

11am - 3pm: Rehab Breakfast $3 Bloody Mary's, $1 Domestics & Wells

Sunday 2/16

"Beer Lovers Night" $2 All Domestics $3.50 All Imports

Bar Bingo Starts @ 9pm $3 Blue Moon and Angry Orchard Pints, $2.50 Pinnacle and 2 Ginger Irish Whiskey Singles, $5 Sailor Jerry Doubles, $2.50 Jose Cuervo Shots

Monday Night Lion! $1 WELLS, $2 ILLINI LONG ISLANDS, $2 SAILOR JERRY $3 MEV’S – MONSTER VODKA’S

$3 High Life Pitchers $1 U Call It $0.50 Pizza Slices (8pm - 12am)

1/2 Off Burgers! $1 Wells, Domestic Drafts and Shots

Monday 2/17

$2.50 Domestic Drafts $3.50 All Other Drafts

$4 Guinness, Smithwicks and Triptych Pints, $2.50 Blackbeard Rum and Jim Beam Singles, $2.50 Fireball and Orchata, $2 Old Style, PBR, Schlitz, Miller Lite Tall Boys

$2 Long Islands $2 Bud Family Bottles $2 Hot Stuff Shots

$4 High Life Pitchers $1 U Call It $1 Chicken Strips (8pm -12am)

$1 Tacos All Day $4 Bacardi Buckets! Start Your Bucket List Today! $2 Drafts

Tuesday 2/18

$2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles

Logo Mug Night! Fat TIre $2.50 Sailor Jerry Singles $5 Pinnacle and 2 Ginger Irish Whiskey Doubles, $2.50 Orchata and Fireball, $6 PBR and Hamm's Pitchers, $4 Jager Bombs

BUCKET NIGHT! $3 Natty Light Pitchers, $4 Jim Beam Buckets, $4 Pinnacle Vodka Buckets, $4 Cruzan Rum Buckets, $2 Rum Chata Shots

$4 High Life Pitchers $2 U Call It $3 Jager and Vegas Bombs $4 Car Bombs

$0.50 Jumbo Wings, $1 Tenders, $7.50 Rum & Cola Pitchers, $7.50 Miller & Coors Pitchers, $2 Fireball and Doctor Karaoke Night w/ DJ Outlaw!

Wednesday 2/19

AROUND CAMPUS SEND US YOUR PARTY PICS TO PICS@THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

ON THE STREETS WHAT BODY PART OF THE HUMAN BODY WOULD YOU MOST HATE HAVING RUBBED ON YOUR FACE? r Emily, Senio

“Haters.”

Paul, Alum

“My own rug-burned balls.”

r Jack, Senio

"Debbie’s 'vagina.'"

BARTENDERS of the WEEK

"SNOOZE" of Murphy's

Relationship Status: Down 2 Clown Major: Accounting Favorite Drink: An IV of Fireball Favorite Shot: See above Disgusting Drink: Anything not IPA What’s the weirdest thing you’ve seen someone bring into the bar?: The regular that wears Minnie Mouse ears Besides money, what would be you be most excited to get an envelope stuffed with?: Maize Volcanoes and one million Tums for after. What music video most closely resembles your life?: Michelle Branch’s “Ordinary Day” What’s one thing everyone finds cute, but you just don’t get?: Girls Finish this sentence: One time I laughed so hard I….: Blacked back in. Later, you want to burn this place to the ground with me, or what?: Yes, but with the approval of John Taffer. Why should someone read The Black Sheep?: It’s the authority on #InclusiveIllinois.

DRINKING GAME You’re Alone and No One Loves You Campus will be alive with lovers this Valentine’s Day, and if you found the brownie ball recipe to your right, chances are you’re still single. Find another unloved friend of yours (or play the game alone, like you do every day) and wander around campus with your favorite bottle of booze. What You’ll Need: Alcohol and sadness. Number of Players: As many as you want. Level of Intoxication: You’ll be crying by the end of the night. How to Play: - Get your alcohol ready to go in whichever sneaky way your prefer—leftover Jimmy John’s cup, water bottle, brown paper bag, etc. - Wander around campus and take a drink for the following: - A girl trying to look strong as she buys a pint of Ben & Jerry’s from the grocery store (drink twice if it’s Chunky Monkey). - A girl being an ungrateful bitch and whining to her boyfriend. - A boy hurrying down the street with a bouquet of flowers (drink twice for an oversized teddy bear). - Two bros together putting on a façade of happiness; you know they’re dead inside. - Someone buying a card without even reading it. - People waiting to be seated at a not-so-romantic restaurant. - Someone using the phrase “Singles Awareness Day.” - A couple that has one member way hotter than his or her partner. - Every time you see a couple passionately kiss (drink twice for an ass grab). - Every time you hear someone say, “Aw, you shouldn’t have!” - A couple having a fight in a public place. - Finish your drink if you see someone being proposed to. The Game Ends When: Your liquor is gone and you decide to go buy yourself some Chunky Monkey too.

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STEVE of Legends

Relationship Status: What does that mean? Major: Civil engineering graduate Favorite Drink: Coors “The Banquet Beer” Favorite Shot: Rocky Mountain Water and High Country Barley Disgusting Drink: I like all things except gin. What’s the weirdest thing you’ve seen someone bring into the bar?: Chipotle. I can’t make it out the door before finishing my burrito. Besides money, what would be you be most excited to get an envelope stuffed with?: Bread, right Danny? What music video most closely resembles your life?: And do the Locomotion with me!! What’s one thing people don’t understand about me: How much I love Coors Banquet. It’s your honor and duty to drink it. DUH. Later, you want to burn this place to the ground with me, or what?: I am Legends, I don’t burn myself. Why should someone read The Black Sheep?: I would, but I don’t know how to read.

RECIPE for DISASTER Boyfriend Brownie Balls Alone this Valentine’s Day? Who needs love when you can date food instead? This recipe is the perfect combination of chocolate, cookie dough and more chocolate. Your lady parts may not be getting lucky any time soon, but your mouth sure is! What You’ll Need: 3/4 cup butter (softened), 3/4 cup brown sugar, 1/4 cup white sugar, 2 tbsp milk, 1 tsp vanilla extract, 2 cups flour, 2 cups mini chocolate chips, 1 box of fudge brownie mix, and 1 package of chocolate almond bark Cook Time: 2 hours Fatty Factor: Calories don’t count when you’re sad. Let’s Get Baked: - In a bowl, mix together the butter and sugars until it’s all nice and creamy. - Slowly add in the milk and vanilla extract until combined. - Add in the flour and a tiny pinch of salt. Mix until you have some smooth dough. - Line a baking sheet with foil and make sure there’s room in your freezer for these bad boys. - Scoop out tablespoon-sized balls of dough

and place them on the sheet. Put them in the freezer for about an hour to harden. - While your balls are blue-ing, make your brownies per the directions on the box. You might need some eggs and oil. When they’re done, let them cool before going onto the next step. - Remove the frozen balls from the freezer. - Cut the cooled brownies into small squares and flatten them in your hands. - Put a cookie dough ball in the middle of each brownie square and wrap the brownie around it. - Once all the balls are covered, put them back in your freezer for another 30 minutes. - Melt the chocolate bark over the stove, being careful not to burn it or let it boil. Heat it up just enough so the chocolate melts. - Take the balls out of the freezer and dip them in the melted bark with a fork, making sure they’re completely covered. Then sprinkle chocolate chips on top! - Put them in the fridge for a few minutes to harden up, then dig in! This is the one and only time you’ll thoroughly enjoy having balls in your mouth.

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BOOZE REVIEW FINLANDIA COCONUT VODKA

Okay, we know what you’re thinking, “Why is The Black Sheep reviewing vodka for the second week in a row?! Gross!” And yeah, maybe it is gross. If you don’t like coconut stuff you should probably stay clear of this guy. But if you’re a normal, hard-working human being who likes the idea of vacations and beaches, then this is right up your alley. It’s one of the smoothest vodkas we have ever tasted and can pretty much go with anything you have in your refrigerator right now. Smells Like: Sunscreen on freshly sun-kissed skin. Tastes Like: Sunscreen, but really yummy coconut sunscreen. Typical Drinkers: Girls in daisy dukes (with bikinis on top), the entire Baywatch cast, people who claim to “love Cali” but have never visited, any girl who has ever worn a halter top and chicks who are sick of Burnett’s but want a somewhat cheap coconut vodka. User Comments: “I think I just found my new perfume.” “If I wanted to drink sunscreen, I would have bought a bottle of Coppertone.” Best Described as a Song Lyric: “Night and you / And blue Hawaii / The night is heavenly / And you are heaven to me” – Elvis, “Blue Hawaii”

GRADE: A

You’ll Like This if You Like: Laying in the warm sand, sun beating down on your face, as you reach over to grab your icy cool Piña Colada and feel your masculine, tan meathead of a boyfriend massage your back in slow rhythmic motions.

WRITTEN BY: KITTY KAT

Food Pairing Suggestion: A plate of fresh fruits—pineapple, kiwi, oranges—and a tub of vanilla Greek yogurt. We Mixed it With: Orange Fanta

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Lonliest Man on Campus Obsessed with Valentine’s Day LOUIS STEVENS WROTE THIS

Valentine’s Day is tough for a lot of us out there, it can be a huge bitch slap in the face to anyone without that someone special— except sophomore in electrical engineering, Gary Cordorack. Cordorack, 19, is a man of simple pleasures. He enjoys studying geometry and the growing population of birds in the regional northwest, geeking out about those new Hobbit movies and obsessing over everything Valentine’s Day. While others usually fixate on other celebrations like Christmas and Halloween, Cordorack goes bonkers for the holiday created by Hallmark. Cordorack has never had a girlfriend to share the special holiday with; however, that hasn’t stopped him from celebrating it every single year since third grade. “It’s all I ever really thought about,” Cordorack said, sitting in

his modestly-sized, two-bedroom Urbana apartment. “After we did the valentine exchange in class and there was all that candy up for grabs, I was hooked from then on.” He later said that because of his sudden obsession, students began to find his love for Valentine’s Day rather odd and neglected him until he graduated high school. “Listen, I’m not bitter towards anyone,” he said, raising both arms Titanic-style and waving his fingers ever so slightly motioning for a hug. “Like I said, it’s all love, man. It’s all love.” After a few moments of loving looks, Cordorack and our The Black Sheep reporter got out of their chairs and hugged for four solid seconds. “All love baby,” he whispered, “all love.” When asked to meet his roommate, Cordorack swung open the door of the other room to reveal a shrine to the pink and

red holiday plastered all over the walls. The carpet was a piercinghot pink, bright enough to give anyone a headache. But not Cordorack.

of boxers hanging in the closet, stuffed animals lining the bed and drawers filled with heart-shaped candy that read “Be Kind” and “Love You.”

“Yeah, I just like to come in here when things like school and relationships are getting me down,” Cordorack said. And what kind of relationship is he referring to? “Well, relationships with my mother and stuff. I hate when she doesn’t answer the phone just ‘cause she’s at work.”

Then, Cordorack pulled the waistband of his jeans out a bit to reveal a candy G-string and smiled before taking a bite. “Spencer’s dude, they’ve got everything,” he said while chewing. “Really comes in handy when I don’t have time to do laundry.”

In the corner of the room was a crib with an actual baby dressed as cupid in it, with what looked to be a very sharp arrow. A completely unfazed Cordorack said the little guy was his cousin and his Aunt Helen asked him to babysit for a few weeks. “She’s so weird, right?” There were cut-out hearts on the walls, white robes and red pairs

After about a half-dozen, pinkfrosted Dunkin’ Donuts for lunch, Cordorack went through more of the psychological aspects of his life-long obsession. He’s a nervous person, always fidgeting with his hands, which have a tattoo of a heart just above his left ring finger. But when he talked about the holiday itself, he came across as the least crazy person in the world—eyes burning with passion and love.

“You see, Valentine’s Day is just about love,” he said. “It’s about commitment and understanding your inner workings as a human. Christmas is about gifts and trees. It's very superficial. Thanksgiving’s kind of nice, but my Aunt Helen makes really dry turkey, so I’ve always had a tough time really connecting to that one. Halloween frankly freaks the piss out of me and President’s Day is just full of shit. Everyone hates presidents while they're the president, but afterward we should give them a holiday? No thanks.” But there was still one question left on our minds: Has Cordorack

ever felt true love? “I get asked that a lot, understandably,” he said, bashfully. “I guess I haven’t, because I never really put myself out there. I did a few times in high school, but talking and flirting somehow got turned into a cheerleading tryout and then that took up three years of my life, but I’d rather not talk about that.” He’s in love with love, that much is certain. But could he ever love a woman? “I’m not sure if I could," he sighs, “I’ve got a lot on my plate right now.”

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CONTINUED FROM THE COVER From Phyllis Wise to Robert Easter (January 27, 2014): Bobby, Don't worry. No one will discover our love. Who's going to uncover our secrets, The Daily Illini? Ha! Yeah right. I'll just pull their funding if they try. We'll be okay, my love. My old, saggy and mostly-wheezing love. Tonight, I'm going to rock your world. I've got so much anger built up from work. Can you believe what these kids did today? I can't wait to unleash my furry fury on you tonight, baby. It's going to get messy, I can promise you that. I hope your aging back can handle it. God, I love how old you are. I'm surprised your ancient shaft doesn't cum dust. Oh god, that would turn me on. You know how I am when it comes to biological history. Oh baby, hurry over now. Starting without you, Phyll To Phyllis Wise from Robert Easter (January 28, 2014): Phyll, Where did you learn how to do that thing with your legs and your bachelor's degree? You nearly broke my hip, but oh baby, it was worth it. I'd even let you break both of my hips if you'd do it to me again. What do you say we take an extended lunch break today and really nail this thing home? You know what I mean, Philly baby? My office, 10:30 a.m. I'll start setting up my office now. Do you want to try role play today? I'll be the chancellor of a Midwest university, while you can be the strong, muscular president of it. God, I can't wait to pop one off on you while you're wearing my bifocals. Please hurry, Philly. I can't hold off much longer. Fuck me, Bobby. To Robert Easter from Phyllis Wise (January 28, 2014): Bobby, I call it the â&#x20AC;&#x153;Dirty Doctorate.â&#x20AC;? You should see when I use my master's degree. It gets real dirty then. I'll be over for lunch soon. I just have to send a few emails for students to delete really quick. It's what I get paid for. My thighs are still bruised from last night. I can't pull off that move every day, you know. But for you? Maybe today's the day I break the rules. God, I can't wait to taste your hairpiece and rub it all over my silky skin while you sit and regain your breath while I...oh damn it all to hell! I'll just stop writing this campus email now. They'll never notice anyways. I'll be right over, Philthy Philly To Phyllis Wise from Robert Easter (January 29, 2014): Phornucating Philly, The last few days have been mind-blowing, but there has to be a line drawn somewhere. For instance, all biting and punching around my balls have to be labeled off limits. Even in my youth, in the 1800s, I don't think I'd be able to handle that kind of aggressive affection. Anyways, my doctors have told me that what it's done to my health is frighteningly concerning. They're afraid if we continue ramming each other at the pace and force that we've been going at as of late, my heart might stop functioning within the next few weeks. I'm sad to say it, but I'm not sure we can continue meeting like this. I hope it's not the end for us, but for a little while, we have to stop. I'll miss trying to run fingers through your stiff hair when we wake up together on my desk, and all the times we snuck into Foellinger to do it on the big stage. Always in my heart, Bobby To Robert Easter from Phyllis Wise (January 29, 2014): Bobby, I can't believe it has to end like this. I'm sorry about biting your scrotum and grinding the loose skin between my teeth. There's just some part of me that can't help it when I see the way your skin flakes off your legs. It's just so sexy. I know your doctors are concerned about your health, but if you find it in your heart to have one more night together, I have things planned for you that are beyond your imagination. Something tells me that if your heart did stop while I was riding on top of you, I'd just explode all over your old cock. Goddamn, that would be the hottest thing. Just give me one more chance to rock your world. I promise to be careful around the wooden furniture this time. But I don't promise to be careful around your thick, wooden shaft. I don't care if you say no, I'll be waiting for you at your office tonight. Love forever, Phyllis

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Self-Lovin’ Stephen

Same as It Ever Was...

Valentine’s Day Cards Revisited Scurried away in a box somewhere in a parent’s basement is a collection of a childhood memories-- artifacts of days gone by. The Black Sheep has dug up six Valentine’s Day cards from our staffers’ past, and not surprisingly, they tell the story of who these weirdos are now.

How Stephen Was Raised: Steve was an only child whose vigorously religious parents didn’t show much affection. Idle hands are the Devil’s playthings, they say, and without TV or friends, Stephen was oftentimes left alone to entertain himself. What 3rd Grade Was Like: Sure, Stephen didn’t have many friends, but he didn’t need any. At school he’d prefer to work alone, and during recess he’d play hide-and-go-seek with himself in one of the bathroom stalls. Stephen didn’t need attention from others, he had himself, a playroom that locked from the inside, and an imagination that would make a 15-year-old jealous. Where Stephen is Now: There were thousands of people out there just like Stephen, and he knew it was a safe bet. After making a small fortune on the futures stock of Jergens’ new So Soft: For Him lotion, Stephen retired to a lovely suburb of Salt Lake City, Utah. With a T1 connection and admin privileges on six different pornography torrent sites, his only interaction with humans these days is when he talks to the Jimmy John’s delivery man through the door. “The money’s in the mail box,” he grunts, “leave the Totally Tuna on the doorstep.”

Politically Correct Corey

Bondage Ben

Sam the Stalker

How Corey Was Raised: All the other kids could go crying to their mommies, but Corey was forced to have “open tear dialogue” twice a week with a “parental advisor.”

How Ben Was Raised: Ben grew up with four rowdy older brothers and a mom “physical” enough to handle them. It wasn’t often that he got attention from her, but when he did, she made sure he didn’t act out again.

How Sam Was Raised: Sam spent many hours in timeout, both at home and at school. He grew to enjoy being present without participating in most situations.

What 3rd Grade Was Like: During gym class Corey would often self-eliminate himself from dodge ball matches, fearing he might be forced to make some non-PC decisions about who he should hit with a ball. Sure, Martha may be a little overweight and asthmatic, but is an easy kill worth the weight on his conscience, knowing he’d be responsible for a hip replacement she might need when she’s 80? Where Corey is Now: Corey currently lives in Portland with his life-partner Sasha and their two-year-old daughter, Milanesa. When Corey isn’t spending his free time writing freelance opinion pieces promoting the abolishment of gender-specific pronouns, he can be found assembling cruelty-free cardboard shelves in his soon-to-be open paleo-vegan neighborhood grocery.

What 3rd Grade Was Like: Ben kept quiet for the most part, but was oftentimes found to be the sneaky instigator behind playground fights. If the teacher ever sided with Ben, his attacker was left angry and confused. “You don’t understand,” they’d plead, “he was literally asking for it!” Where Ben is Now: Right now Ben is being sat on by a 250-lb, latex and leather-clad she-woman in a dimly-lit, unfurnished basement. With one last exhale he’ll be on the brink of unconsciousness, and though “ganana brabber” is his safe word, he has yet to say it. Instead, his final breath is spent on “yes mamma!” while Big Bertha whips his thighs with a small cane and cranks the Rob Zombie.

What 3rd Grade Was Like: Sam’s favorite times at school were when all the 3rd grade classes would swap classrooms to learn different subjects. Every day from noon to one he sat in Sarah Mason’s seat. One day he found her diary in the desk, one day he smelled her mittens, and one day he found her address. Where Sam is Now: Sam lives a quiet life in Tallahassee, Florida. During the day he works at as a deliveryman whose daily route just so happens to include Sarah Mason’s work, home, favorite restaurant, hair dresser, grocery store, coffee shop and a certain tree outside her bathroom. He lives with his dog Rex and an amorphous collection of blond hair, chewing gum, and semen in his basement, named Sarah.

s s e u G the

the crossword ACROSS: 3) The drummer of The Roots. 5) Legendary drag queen famous for saying, “You better work.” 6) Eccentric, blinged-out pianist. 7) Most famous Icelandic performer. 8) Producer and rapper, also the name of a shoe brand. 9) This massive basketball player often goes by just his first name. 11) This singer went by just a symbol at one point. 13) High-end Italian fashion company. 15) His first and middle name was Wolfgang Amadeus. 16) “Yo dog, I heard you like cars so we put a car in yo car so you can drive while you drive.” 19) Italian model with gorgeous hair.

famous one-word people 4) “Parting is such sweet sorrow.” 5) Her instagram name is badgalriri. 10) Blue Ivy’s mother. 11) Famous Native American associated with the colonial settlement of Jamestown, Virginia. 12) The best-selling female recording artist of all time. 14) This “L.E.S. Artistes” real name is Santi White. 17) He’s got two turntables and a microphone. 18) The breakout star of D12.

DOWN: 1) This rapper biggest hit was 2006’s “Ridin’.” 2) Lead singer of The Smiths.

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the madlib

scrolling through twitter

Whoops, here we go again. I was sitting on the bus, on my way to ___1___’s apartment, trying to drink some ___2___ and maybe play some ___3___, you know, really chill out for a bit. But then I got on Twitter and I became stressed.

So then I tweeted, “Heading to ___15___’s to zen out. Namaste.”

Almost instantly ___16___ favorited my tweet and I instantly felt self-conscious. Namaste? What the fuck! I’ve only done yoga once and it was during ___4___ tweeted a picture of herself licking a bottle spring break ___17___ and I ended up leaving half of ___5___ with her legs wrapped around ___6___ way through because I was___18___-hungover with the caption, “YOLO, gettin’ mad ___7___and and puking. getting turnt up in ___8___!” I was like, okay that ___9___ but low-key I was jealous. Should I be do- By the time I got off the bus, all I wanted to do was ing the same? rip shots of ___19___. And wouldn’t you know it, I walked into my friend’s living room and saw her Then I saw The Onion tweeted a headline, “19-year- drinking from a fifth. old Says Her Future as a ___10___ Will Go Well, ___11___ Laughs.” But that’s what I’m studying!!! “I was just sitting on Facebook and started feelWhat, should I change my major to ___12___ and ing really bad about myself,” she said, looking at never drink and stay in ___13___ all day and night me with already glossed-over eyes. “And I have and just chain smoke ___14___??? UGH. ___20___ in the oven.” I walked over to her, took a swig, gave her a hug, and realized everything was alright.

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1) Friend 2) Type of beer 3) Old-school game 4) Young female celebrity 5) Liquor 6) Gangster rapper 7) Slang for intoxicated 8) Major city 9) Derogatory term for women 10) Career 11) World leader 12) Hard major 13) Main library name 14) Cigarette brand 15) Friend from #1 16) Annoying acquaintance 17) Year you graduated from high school 18) Fruity drink 19) Popular liquor 20) Dessert