The Black Sheep
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Brought to you by
The Booze News
Vol. 23, Issue 5
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
9/18/13 - 9/25/13
Exclusive Inside Look at Anheuser-Busch’s Bud Lab, League of Elite Beer Scientists BY: Benny Boy In late August of this year, Anheuser-Busch announced that it would be opening up a “Bud Lab” on our campus. This announcement left Champaign students and residents with several questions: What was this Bud Lab going to be studying? Who are the people who will be running this mysterious beer laboratory? And, most importantly, how will this Bud Lab affect the manner, cost, speed or intensity of which I will be getting drunk in the near future? In order to put many of these qualms to rest, representatives from the Bud Lab sent out a letter of invitation to the leading journalistic authorities in Champaign, allowing a one-time-only tour of the lab. The letter, which was written on the backs of several cocktail napkins, read as follows: News peopel, U pussies wanna kno whut we du? Come on over, I’ll... we’ll... let’s just have a tour then. U like beer? Let’s do it. Five o-clock. Your beerness, Bud At first these letters only raised more questions, such as what day they would like to give the tour and how they got the post office to deliver cocktail napkins without return addresses, so us folks at The Black Sheep decided that it would be nuts to not figure out what was going on and decided to take them up on their offer. Although the Bud Lab was reported to be located in the University of Illinois Research Park, the invited journalists at the scene had initial trouble finding
the lab. After asking surrounding businesses where they could find the Bud Lab, they were informed that nobody had set up a beer lab to their knowledge, but that they might want to investigate the storage garage behind the park that had been blasting classic rock for the past couple of days. When they went to check it out, they came upon a shirtless man who was urinating against the side of the garage door. From inside the garage the song “Simple Man” by Lynyrd Skynyrd was being played at an ear-piercing volume. When our writers approached the man, he became startled and picked up a broken Budweiser bottle. “Who is that? The Feds?” The man yelled. “I swear I’ve never been to Milwaukee! I’ve got alibis!” “No sir, we are writers for The Black Sheep. Would you happen to be Bud? You invited us to check out the Bud Lab.” “Didn’t I tell you to come at five?” “It is five.” “Oh, shit. Well never mind. Follow me. And don’t worry about that Milwaukee thing. Let’s just say there are some employees at MillerCoors who won’t be brewing up Hamm’s anytime soon.” Bud then led the group into the garage. As the door opened, several dirty and disheveled men were roused from their sleep and took defensive positions. A few of the men picked up broken bottles, and one of them actually threw one, injuring staff writer Jupiter Stevens.
Bud exclaimed. The Bud Lab, which consisted of only one single garage, was littered with empty cans and bottles of Budweiser and Bud Light. In the corner was a collection of beakers and glass vials, some of them were bubbling a greenish liquid, and the others seemed to just be holding stale beer. All of them were dirty. In all honesty, it was pretty cool.
“Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Bud Lab!”
“First let me introduce you to the team,” Bud said as he cracked open a beer. “We scoured the earth looking for the best beer and alcohol scientists for our elite team. There’s Goose, who’s in charge of our Drinking Game Department. Scooter, head of our R&D Division. Bulldozer, whose specialty is getting wasted and throwing trashcans. And finally me, Bud. I act as Leader and Head of Espionage.” continued on page 19
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Interview With Blue Man Group
Top Ten: Rejected Marketing Ideas from Drew's Pizza
Frosh Forum: Roommates and How to Get Them Out
These overgrown smurfs aren't as quiet and calm as you'd think!
"Boobies for Pizza" wasn't the only idea they had.
15 suggestions to get your worst enemy out of your life.
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Founders Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers
This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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#goodtimes Word
Kitty Kat, Since I’m a senior, I’ve been to a couple career fairs during my time at U of I, but I’m still deathly afraid of them. There are some coming up this semester that I need to attend, but I know I’m going to look like an idiot. You’re obviously in great position of leadership and power. Do you have any advice? Thanks, Need a Salary Dear Celery, First of all, good for you for taking the step to ensure a successful and plentiful future. And good luck. Chances are you’re going to need it if you’re asking for advice on how to attend a freakin’ CAREER FAIR. Come on, let’s get real here. Haven’t you written a resume by now in at least one of your classes? Haven’t you at least had some sort of pathetic part-time job you can babble on about in a 20 minute interview? Don’t you have the slightest idea of what you want to do with your life? If your answers to all these are yes, then stop worrying. That’s more than half the battle. Sure, career fairs are intimidating. Everyone wearing suits, carrying around little leather portfolios and girls worrying if their pit stains are showing through their trendy New York & Company blazers. The people behind the tables seem so relaxed and at ease; who wouldn’t? They’ve already got the whole job part secured. Just walk in there and rock it. Whip out your resume, which hopefully isn’t handwritten on the back of a Domino’s receipt, and point out every detail on that bad boy. Flash them your brightest, cheesiest smile your cheeks can bear and make sure your handshake is a nonverbal way of saying, “I’m never going to fucking let you go.” When you’re done talking, ask for a business card and take every single free thing on that table—pens, t-shirts, candy, tablecloths, whatever. That will show you’re truly interested in their company. Then just go home and wait. Don’t believe the “call them and be proactive” myth; employers hate that. Think of it as a date: “Don’t call me, I’ll call you.” You don’t want to seem desperate. Make them wonder and think about you and wish they were working with you right now. Seem mysterious and dangerous, and then you’re in. Later, Kitty Kat
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Behemonth
of the
An extended period in an academic year that rains down unnecessary school work onto a college student. “October’s my behemonth, man; I have 6 papers and 4 tests in a 3-week span.”
Week Guess The Mascot Tweet Us @BlackSheep_UIUC First right answer wins a prize!
Last Week’s Answer: Wisconsin’s Bucky the Badger
The Black Sheep
Celebrity Before & After Just like Jeopardy!, our before and after asks you to pair two unlike things, sharing only a word. Because we’re as vapid as the rest of you, a celebrity name will always be involved. Tweet your answer @BlackSheep_UIUC and use #goodtimes for a chance to win a prize!
Dense literary Jester has a brief interview with this hideous claymation man and his pup.
Last Week’s Answer: Harrison Ford Falcon
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Interview with Blue Man Group By: Jupiter Stevens The Blue Man Group will be performing two days at the State Farm Center on Thursday, September 19, and Friday, September 20. In a candid interview, The Black Sheep was able to sit down and talk to the recluse, overgrown smurfs about their experiences over the past years. Although the Blue Man Group is known for their silent stage presence, we found that the three musicians are actually quite outspoken, rowdy and reckless backstage. During our interview together, things got a little heated and a little more weird. You can just see for yourself: The Black Sheep: Hey guys, it's great to get the chance to talk with you before your shows this week. I know a lot of people down here are excited to come check it out. How is your tour going? Blue Man Group: …........................
BMG: …........................ TBS: Wow, seriously? So it's not actually blue paint? BMG: ….............................. TBS: Alright, alright, I'm sorry. I just never knew they made you dye the color of your skin. Is there a particular reason why they forced you to be blue and not another color? BMG: …........................... TBS: Okay, now you just sound a little racist. Let’s keep it clean, please. BMG: …............................
TBS: How do you sleep at night with that on your conscience? BMG: …............................................ TBS: No, don't touch me. BMG: …................................. TBS: Seriously. Stop touching me. BMG: …..................................... TBS: Wait, what are you doing with that? BMG: …....................................... TBS: You guys can't just rip that off the wall and use it like that. It's supposed to hold people's coats. BMG: …......................................
TBS: I will suit myself, thank you. That's not good for your health, by the way … or even remotely sanitary. BMG: ….......................................
TBS: Oh, real nice guys. It's not even logical for me to shove that there. BMG: ….....................................
TBS: That's just gross. I'm done.
TBS: Oh, wow, really? BMG: …....................
TBS: Jeez, guys, let's just change the subject or something. How much do you guys care about your loyal fans? I bet there have been a lot that have come out to see you perform multiple times. BMG: …..............................
TBS: Jesus, I didn't know all that could happen on a tour bus. BMG: ….......................
TBS: Well, that doesn't seem very appropriate. They're just kids after all. They can’t help it. BMG: ….............................................
TBS: Enough, already. No wonder they don't let you guys talk on stage. You’re all freaks. BMG: …......................................
TBS: So did they buy you guys new clothes or have you been wearing those ever since? BMG: ..........................
TBS: Oh ... my ... that's outright disgusting, even by our standards. BMG: …............................................
TBS: This is getting a little weird. I think I'm going to go. BMG: ….......................................
TBS: I'm sorry to hear that. I can’t imagine having to sleep next to that for two weeks. Has anything else crazy happened on the road?
TBS: What the fuck, guys? You can't just say that out loud. BMG: …............................................
TBS: No, I don't want to join you in … whatever that is. BMG: ….......................................
GUESS WHAT
DAY IT IS!
After the three members of the Blue Man Group began what can only be described as “unholy” actions, we had to excuse ourselves from the interview. A public relations partner for the group asked me to wait outside, promising that once they finished their unspeakable routine, they would be more than cooperative and settled down. But the noises were terrifying, and we had to leave the building before things escalated and put us in any more danger. Needless to say, see the Blue Man Group with caution and don't believe the part of the show's program where it promises that what they're throwing at you are just Twinkies. Trust us … they're not just Twinkies.
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the Cracked truck interview By:Kitty Kat There’s no denying that we have some pretty dope food places here in Champaign-Urbana, especially when it’s 2 a.m. and you still have a few extra singles in your wallet. This is what three friends (Daniel Krause, Jeremy Mandell and Sean Baird) took a look at after graduating from U of I and Southern. Together they birthed the beautiful, breakfast food baby we know today as the Cracked Food Truck. What’s next for the trio? The Urbana Beer and Food Truck Festival taking place on Saturday, October 5th, in downtown Urbana. Make sure you check them out! We sat down with Daniel to hear a bit more about the truck, their future plans and role in the upcoming Urbana Festival. The Black Sheep: We know a bit of the history about Cracked, that you and two friends wanted to bring a different latenight food choice to U of I students. So to start, when you went here, what was your favorite late-night meal? Daniel Krause: Probably chicken fingers from Geo's. It's very sad to see them go. TBS: What made you realize that you wanted to do this after school? DK: I've always been interested in the restaurant industry; there's a lot of room for creativity. To serve people food I like and have them try something new is really exciting for me. On top of that, I didn't have capital to open a restaurant so I found a middle ground with a food truck. We've been on campus for four years now, and it's definitely a niche
market. TBS: Why do you think food trucks became such a huge thing? DK: They're fun, they're convenient, and they don't cost a lot of money to start up compared to a restaurant. The food is usually very non-threatening. There are a lot of upsides to having a food truck versus restaurant. They can do a lot of the same food quality and quantity. TBS: How do you feel the U of I campus has responded to Cracked? DK: We're thrilled! We were very welcomed by people. Over the past year, it has exploded with interest and love. It's a lot of fun interacting with people. We're just totally thrilled with the way people take us into campus. TBS: What's the most popular item on the menu? DK: Some people just get the same thing every time, like the Goy Vey or Hungry Chief. It's really simple and homey and comforting. Some people try to make it through the whole menu and then restart it again. TBS: What's your favorite item on the menu? DK: The Goy Vey. It’s like a salami and egg sandwich. My mom used to make that a lot growing up. The White Cheddar Bacon Tots are the best things on the side. We make the cheese sauce ourselves and use our locally sourced bacon and just layer it with cheese. That's the beauty of a small menu—everything is something we want to eat and want
everyone else to eat. When you have so little room for menu items, you have to pick perfectly and get everything you want. TBS: Do you have any regular customers? DK: There's a personal relationship with a lot of customers that come by. We're mainly on the Engineering Quad. There aren’t many restaurants over there so it's the same people. And then we see them out later that night, and they’re completely different people. TBS: Can you tell us about your local specials? DK: Our bread is from Pekara Bakery in Champaign, so it's fresh every day. Our coffee is locally roasted. Our soda is from Homer Soda Company, which is a few miles away. We also get our meat locally sourced. We just participated in Local Flavors in Champaign, where a few restaurants do a local flavors dish, so that's what our most recent special was. TBS: Do you have a favorite event or any crazy memories from one? DK: Electric Forest Festival in Michigan was the most fun I think any of us have ever had in the truck. It's four days long. That was really interesting. A lot of lights. I would love to go to Outside Lands Music Festival in San Francisco or Hangout Music Festival in Alabama. Both sound really fun. I would always love to do Lollapalooza one day if we could work it out. TBS: What are your plans for the upcom-
ing Urbana Beer and Food Truck Festival? DK: We’re probably gonna do chili tots and a chili dog. And cups of chili of course. When we do festivals, we usually do a smaller menu; we'll throw some fun specials on there too. TBS: What would you say is your favorite part of working? DK: There's a lot of creative freedom that we're allowed to have. Working for a corporate company or a different restaurant, there would be a big lack of that. It's really fun to come up with our own promotions and take the brand in a way we want to see it go. The best part is that people love the food, and that just makes me happier than anything. When all is said and done, that is what we care about the most. TBS: What do you see happening in the future for Cracked? Are you planning on expanding to other campuses? DK: We're gonna try to expand in Champaign first, then play it by ear. We're actually trying to get a second truck out by second semester. That's our hope; that's being optimistic. From there, even another truck somewhere in Champaign or a restaurant could happen. TBS: Some people may want to try out food at your truck but don't know where to go. What's your location schedule?
DK: We’re all over the place. We bounce around from Mathews and Springfield to Green Street across from 309. I suggest you just follow us on Twitter. We always post our location there, and the website always has updated hours. We're working on a mobile ordering app too so you can order us in class and then come and pick it up! TBS: Mmm, sounds delicious… Daniel’s Picks: The Goy Vey: Fried hard salami, bacon, hash browns and a fried egg with sweet n’ spicy or regular cream cheese White Cheddar Bacon Tots: Golden tots lathered in bacon and homemade melted white cheddar cheese Editor’s Picks The Plan B: Grilled veggie wrap with spinach, green peppers, caramelized onions, sun dried tomatoes, white cheddar cheese and smoked paprika hummus Parmesan Truffle Tots: Golden tots dusted in parmesan cheese and truffle oil
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Male Student Sues Drew’s Pizza for Sexual Discrimination
Last week’s publicity stunt gone awry left a poor taste in the mouths of some of the University of Illinois’ female student population that not even free pizza could reconcile. However, it wasn’t just the question of public exposure for women that was caught in the crossfire of Drew’s Pizza’s “tits for toppings” promotion. Illini senior and reasonably husky Thomas Herring has filed a lawsuit against the mediocre pizzeria on the grounds that, “after standing in front of the restaurant for six straight hours exposing [his] bountiful man-breasts,” he did not receive a free pizza. Herring filed for sex-based discrimination immediately after Drew’s called off the promotion and subsequently deleted their incriminating tweets. In contemptuous rage, Herring screamed at the then-petrified night staff as they listened in horror to accusations of “bigotry,” “discrimination” and “hate crimes against men.” Herring then successfully unbolted a Daily Illini dispenser filled with unread editions and hurled the worth of months-upon-months of failed attempts at journalism, shattering the entrance to the pizzeria. Illini Media has since been billed for the property damages and is tentatively expected to pay off the debt when Hell freezes over.
Demands $50k and Large, One-Topping Pizza By: Tex Mex
“They really just know how to make a guy feel like shit,” complained Herring while protesting Drew’s purported misandry. “It’s awful coming to the realization that we live in a world where a man’s breasts are deemed ‘unacceptable’ or ‘inferior’ to a woman’s. With how far we’ve come as a society … I’m sorry, but that’s fucked up.” Friends commented saying that as soon
as he heard about the promotion over Twitter, the hungry Herring rushed four blocks down to Green Street, planted himself in front of Drew’s, struggled to remove his sweat-drenched shirt from his sticky torso, and gyrated his hips like a shy escort’s first day on the job. In hopes that he was giving those “sexist, pizza-making pigs” what they wanted, Herring’s breasts reportedly jiggled to-and-fro similar to an uncomfortable high school freshman who didn’t understand the logistics of grinding. When the staff working in charge of phone orders nervously attempted to avert his gaze, Herring began tenderly massaging his nipples while shouting “What more do you want?!” The staff then engaged in a standard, high threat-level lockdown of the building, fearing for their lives. “The malice in his eyes was something unlike I’ve ever seen,” reported an anonymous Drew’s worker on Herring’s sexually-aggravated gaze. “I mean, we pissed off a lot of girls walking by the place, which we figured, whatever, ‘tits or GTFO,’ right? We just wrongly assumed that it was okay to discriminate who’s entitled to a free pizza solely based on gender, I guess. I tried talking with my manager about the promotion’s social implications, but he normally just keeps himself locked up in the back room all night and emerges, noticeably disoriented, only to he reveal the next big Drew’s Pizza marketing scheme.” The pizzeria’s esteemed advertising campaigns have also included last semester’s “420” promotions such as radio commercials featuring two poorlyportrayed stoners talking about pizza for two whole minutes. The campaign went
down in history as the moment when Champaign-Urbana’s collective sphincter clenched due to sheer cringe-worthiness. Herring has since become an outspoken activist against what he considers “the single worst blow that has been dealt upon men’s rights and [his] late-night appetite.” Herring has gone on to argue through the press that “the way a man’s chest compares to a woman’s should not be judged subjectively” and that he “stands by [his] female cohorts who also clearly see the men-loathing intentions of Drew’s actions.” The latter statement is often reciprocated by a quizzical raising-of-the-eye and a “you can’t be serious”-toned dropping-of-thejaw. Herring’s attorney had very little to say on his client’s case, mostly focusing upon his demanding of fifty-thousand dollars in what Herring described as “emotional” damages, and the promised free pizza. “I, uh … I really don’t know what to tell the kid,” Herring’s attorney admitted in a conversation that was promised to be off the record. “From what he’s told me, he can actually be sued for public indecency for both suggestively grabbing his chest region and rubbing a nearby lamppost with his bare genitals. The pizzeria in question looks like crematorium whose interior designer just gave up and called it ‘minimalism,’ so I don’t think they have the kind of money to cover his ‘damages.’ I might be able to help him win over the pizza, but I feel like my client’s going to take it hard when he finds out it tastes just like One World.”
The
Top
Ten
Rejected Marketing Ideas from Drew’s Pizza By: Richie
Drew’s Pizza has garnered a lot of attention lately (mostly unnecessarily negative attention) for offering free pizzas to girls who show their breasts. The Black Sheep investigative team gained documents that detail the pizzeria's other rejected proposals. Warning: They mostly involve nudity. 10.) “Soft Dicks for Soft Drinks”: This was probably the one with the least bang for your buck. They were expecting guys to come in and whip out their fully-flaccid wieners in order to get a free 24 oz. soda with the purchase of a cheese pizza, but they quickly realized that nobody was willing to participate. And that’s probably a good thing. 9.) “Boners for Calzoners”: In a similar vein as number 10, guys were expected to be fully erect (one document specified “absolutely no ‘partial chubs’”) in order to get a free calzone. Money-wise, this is a much better deal than the soda one, and it also has a much catchier name. However, it’s much harder to come up with a boner on the spot, even with a full-frontal view of a scantily clad sausage pizza. 8.) “Stomachs for Slices”: We're not 100% sure what they were thinking on this one. We're assuming they wanted people to show their stomachs to get a free slice of pizza? Maybe like, a hot girl with a bellybutton ring? Either way, it’s very farfetched and not even remotely clever. 7.) “The 'We’re Not One World' Deal”: Ever since taking over the spot of One World Pizza, Drew’s has been dying to get rid of the stigma that their pizza is exactly the same as their apparently unrelated predecessor. In order to stop this mindset, Drew’s was going to offer two pizzas for $5 to anybody who came in and said, “Wow, your pizza is definitely not the same as One World!” 6.) “Wieners for Wings”: They probably came up with this one after realizing that they were really limiting themselves by requiring penises to be in a certain state in order to get their deals, so they decided to accept wieners of all levels of horniness! The deal was that you’d get six wings for free or twelve at half off. 5.) “Vag for a Veggie”: We believe the thinking for this one was to give away a free veggie pizza to girls who showed their vaginas, but, it didn't really come across that way. The name just sort of makes it sound like you’re going to eat a pizza that tastes like a vagina, as opposed to actually seeing vaginas. And that’s just gross. 4.) “Chodes for Cheesy Bread”: Drew’s wanted to tap the gigantic market of dudes with more width than length by giving them some free cheesy bread for their larger-than-normal girth. Though they realized pretty quickly that the chances of them finding somebody actually proud enough to valiantly display their chode to a public audience were probably very small. 3.) “Clits for Cinna-Puffs”: The crudest idea on the list. It’s quite obvious why they decided not to roll with this one, as they probably didn’t want to leave as poor a taste in their customers' mouths. They probably thought that they’d get some good press by using an offensively sexual word, and they’d also get to see some sweet vagina beads.
2.) “B-holes for Breadpuffs”: Definitely our favorite on the list and probably the most likely to actually work. This one is pretty self-explanatory but just in case its cleverness flew over your head like the rest of the slogans: People were expected to expose their entire butthole to get their signature breadpuffs. Rumor has it that this would have required them to bend over and spread the cheeks, so as to insure everybody could see what Limp Bizkit refers to as the “Chocolate Starfish.” 1.) “Make Better Pizza”: While it seems obvious to everybody who isn’t involved with Drew’s Pizza, the best way for them to get more press would be for them to make better pizza. While maybe the best route for them to take, they were somehow the least interested in this idea. Don’t change a thing, guys.
How to: Make Good Conversation By: Brian Barsotti Carrying on a quality conversation is not a skill everybody has. Some people are too shy to talk at all, while there are others who try to turn everything into a discussion about Game of Thrones. By now, you’ve definitely gone to your fair share of parties and events here at U of I, but you were probably pretty awkward at all of them. So, it seems only worthwhile to briefly review kindergarten-level social skills in order to ride out the semester on a strong note. After all, making good conversation is an ability that will get you far in life—married, employed, all that jazz. Let us first examine what makes good conversation with your roommate. Whether you’re a freshman living at ISR or a super senior living at a not-as-super apartment, it’s essential to be able to talk well with your roommate. They’re usually the closest friend you have in college and if you want to keep it that way, communication is vital. That’s why you should feel comfortable talking with your roommate about anything. Anything, that is, except for masturbation habits. Pretty much all possible topics of conversation between roommates are encouraged except how often you jerk the gherkin, because the answer to that is a mutually understood “a helluva lot.” And it would be really weird to hear that he does it, like, when you’re asleep or on your bed when you’re at class. Parties are another scenario to consider. There’s really no better place to socialize with other individuals than in a loud, dark, crowded, disgustingly hot apartment. But at a party, you want to keep conversations short and simple. Many people there have only a loose grip on reality, so you should keep your discussion basic when you’re conversing with the shitfaced. “What major are you in? Psychology? Do you have classes in the Psych Building? Cool!” And move on. Moreover, the music at frat parties tends to be loud, so don’t say anything that can be easily misconstrued. You never want to talk about how you “practice sax with children” when your
voice can barely be heard. Then you have the dilemma of talking in class. Contrary to all the scolding you used to get in high school, class is actually a good place to talk with friends … sometimes. Obviously, if you’re in an ordinary classroom, you’ll look like a jackass for making small talk during class. If you’re in the Noyes lecture hall, though, and nobody’s paying much attention anyway, then what the hell, go for it. The larger the room, the less likely the teacher is to call you out for talking and then spend the next ten minutes talking about people talking. Discussion sections are another story. Just shut up and try not to fall asleep. You also may wish to have a conversation at the ARC or CRCE, instead of the usual grunting and heavy breathing. Beware: The average person appears 10 times more bang-able merely by being in a gym environment, so anything you say other than “Are you done with that machine yet?” is, in all likelihood, going to come across as flirtation. Even the slightest “Hey” has heavy sexual undertones whilst working out, especially after putting down some weights and wiping sweat from your brow. In retrospect, gyms aren’t always the best places for chit-chat if you want to be genuine, but they’re a great place to get a cheap phone number for a Red Lion happy hour date. When it comes to conversation itself, you should have a healthy variety of subjects to discuss in any conversation. If you find yourself lacking things to talk about, you can share various fun facts that you’ve read. Those are usually interesting: “Did you know that hitting your head against a wall burns 150 calories per hour?” Bam, consider your conversation started. Also consider yourself a freak because the person you’re talking to does.
Of course, you should avoid talking about a given topic multiple times with the same person. There’s no point to having the same discussion twice, especially if it’s about how banging your head against a wall burns 150 calories an hour. Plus you just sound like a doofus when you repeat jokes to someone. We recommend opening an Excel file and listing all potential subjects of conversation in the top row and all the people you know in the first column. Under this system, you can check off the appropriate cells after each conversation. It’s a great idea for people who have both a bad memory and way too much free time. Ending conversations can be tough, though. After having talked for so long, you sort of run out of things to say, so you often just have to let it end abruptly.
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Wing Night! $0.25 Wings $1.50 High Life, $2 Flavored LITs $2 Jager Bombs
Tickets on sale now for shows with Flux Pavilion, Krewella, Big Gigantic & more!
LONG ISLAND NIGHT! $2 Long Islands $2 Hot Stuff Shots $2 Sailor Jerry $2 Bud Light Bottles
Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas
Thursday 9/19
$1 Wells, $2 UV Vodka Drinks $2 Fireball, $2 PBR 16oz Tall Boys $3 Long Islands, $5 Domestic Pitchers
DRAMATICS & TROPICAL FISH with WATERFOWL
DOLLAR WELLS $2 Hot Stuff Shots $3 Everything Else DJ Ex Mixing Music Videos!
DJ Wesjile & Kow, 10pm Free Before 11pm! $2 Domestics, $2 Wells
Friday 9/20
$2 Jager Bombs & $2 Wells, $2.50 Miller Lt/Coors Lt, $3 Three Olives Mixers, $3 3O Premium LITs, $3 Hot Shots, $7 Domestic Pitchers, $1 Cherry Bombs & O Bombs
KEYS N KRATES with KLEVAH, CHASE BABY and MOOP
Happy Hour Food Specials Open at 5pm $2.99 Two Hot Dogs & Fries $5.99 Two Burgers & Fries $3 Bud Light 24oz Tallboys
The Dirt Daubers, 10pm, $5 w/ The Mutts
Saturday 9/21
$2 Jager Bombs & $2 Wells, $2.50 Miller Lt/Coors Lt, $3 Bacardi Mixers, $3 Hot Shots, $7 Pitchers, $1 Cherry Bombs & O Bombs
Check out www.canopyclub.com for all our upcoming concerts!
DOLLAR PARTY $1 Burnett's Whipped Vodka Shots, $1 Burnett's Vodka Drinks, Live DJ Mixing Music Video's
New Orleans Jazz Machine, 5:30pm, Free! DJ Belly & DJ Tim Williams, 10pm, No Cover Before 11pm
Book Your Next Party or Event Here! Contact our event planner at CochraneParty@Gmail.com or call 217-722-9000
Big Dave's Trivia Night FREE | 7:30PM! $1 Miller High Life Drafts | $2 Miller Lite Drafts | $2 Jameson Shots $5 Red Bull Vodkas | $5 Nacho
Sunday 9/22
Closed
CLOSED
Monday 9/23
$2 Double Wells $2 Buweiser & Bud Light Drafts $5 Budweiser/Bud Light Pitchers
MONDAY NIGHT HOUSE PARTY Open Mic with JAMES MOORE till 11pm Followed by the MONDAY NIGHT HOUSE PARTY HOUSE BAND! $1 Drinks! $2 Slices from Manolos! $1 Cover!
$2 U CALL IT
Retro Monday, FREE! DJ Mingram spinning the best 80s and 90s tunes $1.50 Domestic Bottles, $2 Well Drinks
Tuesday 9/24
$2 Wells, $2 Domestic Drafts $2 Craft Drafts* *Not all Beers included $2 Shot of the Week
THE PIANO MAN Returns! Shay is back on the keys playing all your favorites! $3 Real Long Islands, $1 Cover
WINE NIGHT! $8 BOTTLES OF WOODBRIDGE WINE $8 BOTTLES OF CHAMPAGNE $2 BUD LIGHT BOTTLES $2 WELLS
Open Mic Night - Free! Sign-Up Starts at 9:30pm $1 Off All Drafts $3 Jameson Shots
Wednesday 9/25
Wing Night! $0.25 Wings $1.50 High Life, $2 Flavored LITs $2 Jager Bombs
FLUX PAVILION with COOKIE MONSTA, BROWN & GAMMON and KYRAL x BANKO
LONG ISLAND NIGHT! $2 Long Islands $2 Hot Stuff Shots $2 Sailor Jerry $2 Bud Light Bottles
Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas
JOE’S BIKINI CONTEST WEDNESDAY, SEPT. 18TH • SIGN UP AT JOESBREWERY.COM OR AT THE BAR
GRAND PRIZE: $1000 CASH The Black Sheep
SPONSORED BY:
The BarGrid Page 2 of 3
DOWNTOWN
EVERY DAY! $4 Fireball Shots $4 StrawBerRitas
FRIDAY! The Dodos, 7pm DJ Delayney at 11pm $4 Double Wells, Free Before 10:30 with Student ID
Wednesday, Sept. 18th Joe's Bikini Contest Grand Prize: $1000
WED: GREEK NIGHT! Wear Your Letters, Get a Small Pizza for $1! Half Off Drafts! (Except Miller High Life) $1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells, $2 Imports
Wednesday 9/18
Karaoke & Mug Night!: YOU KEEP THE HUGE 25OZ GLASS! $2 Pinnacle Vodka, $2 Sailor Jerry Spiced Rum, $2 Tullamore Dew, $1 Shots, $3.99 Buffalo Chicken and Chips 4PM-10PM
$2.50 Red Stripe, $3 Jack Daniels, $3 Bacardi Redbull
Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!
Joe's Bikini Contest TONIGHT! Grand Prize: $1000
GREEK NIGHT! Wear Your Letters, Get a Small Pizza for $1! Half Off Drafts! (Except Miller High Life) $1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells, $2 Imports
Thursday 9/19
Eagles vs Chiefs WIN BEARS TICKETS $3 Long Islands, HALF PRICE WHISKEY! Every Whiskey is 1/2 Off, $2 Evan, $2.50 Fireball, $3 Jager Bombs
$3 Drafts, $4 White Russians, $4 RumChata Colada
Risque Thursdays $3 Imports, $5 Long Islands, $5 Sex on the Beach
$3 Smirnoff $2 Bud Light Drafts $2 Jager Bombs Major Lazer Twerk Off for FREE Pygmalion Tickets!
$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors
Friday 9/20
Friday After Class! $3.99 Haus Fries, $6 Bud Light 40's, $3 Vegas Bombs, $3 Captain Morgan, $3 Three Olives Vodka, $3 Cuervo SIlver
$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy, $5 Jagerbombs
The Dodos, 7pm DJ Delayney at 11pm $4 Double Wells, Free Before 10:30 with Student ID
$3 Jim Beam $2 Pinnacle Punch $6 Pitchers of Orange Shandy
$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm
Catch Every Game at Guido's!
De Noche Free Salsa Class at 9pm Salsa dancing until 2am! $6 Beer + Shot, $3 Select Beers, $3 Rum and Cola
$3 Bacardi, $2 Bacardi Shooters, $6 Pitchers of Lunch Box
$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm
Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gmail.com
Build Your Own Bucket 5 Beers for $11 $2 Jager Bombs
$2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells, $5 Personal Pizzas with 2 Toppings $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders
MNJ $2 Blackbeard $2 Bud Platinums
$1.50 High Life Drafts! $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders
SPECIAL NIGHT
Saturday 9/21
Saturday! Firehaus 8th Birthday Party!
$2.99 Cheeseburgers 11am-Noon $3.99 Pretzel Bites & Beer Nuggets All Day, $2 UV Vodka Cake Shots
Firehaus 8th Birthday Party! $2.99 Cheeseburgers 11am-Noon $3.99 Pretzel Bites & Beer Nuggets All Day, $2 UV Vodka Cake Shots Watch all the Games Here!, Gift & Prizes Given Away All Day!
Sunday 9/22
Sunday Night Football BEARS vs STEELERS 7pm WIN BEARS TICKETS! $2 Anything Sundays!
NFL SUNDAY TICKET! $5 Nachos, $6 Wings, $4 Bloody Marys, $5 Pitchers of Miller and Bud Light, $3 Vodka Redbull
Monday 9/23
Monday Night Football & Pop Culture Team Trivia, Bengals vs Steelers 7pm, Trivia Starts at 10pm! $2 Long Islands, $3 All Craft/ Import Beers, $2 Silver Tequila
$2 Bud Light and Miller Lite Drafts, $3 Jameson, 1/2 off Apps after 8pm
Tuesday 9/24
TIME WARP TUESDAYS! $2.99 CHEESEBURGER & CHIPS 4PM-10PM HALF PRICE SHARKBOWLS $6 BUD & BUD LIGHT PITCHERS $2 WELLS, $2.50 SOCO $2 HOT STUFF SHOTS
$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells
Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gamil.com
Wednesday 9/25
Karaoke & Mug Night!: YOU KEEP THE HUGE 25OZ GLASS! $2 Pinnacle Vodka, $2 Sailor Jerry Spiced Rum, $2 Tullamore Dew, $1 Shots, $3.99 Buffalo Chicken and Chips 4PM-10PM
$2.50 Red Stripe, $3 Jack Daniels, $3 Bacardi Redbull
Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!
DJ Matrix No Cover with I-Card
19+ to Enter, Doors at 10pm
$2 Wells, $6 Cup of Shots
$2 Blue Moons, Tequila Tuesday and all the 90's you can handle!
$2 Fireball, $2 Redd's
1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm) GREEK NIGHT! Wear Your Letters, Get a Small Pizza for $1! Half Off Drafts! (Except Miller High Life) $1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells, $2 Imports
A Higher Standard of Living! Prices Starting at $450/room
CAPSTONE QUARTERS
1901 LINCOLN AVENUE | 217-367-7368 | CAPSTONEQUARTERS.COM
CONDOMINIUMS The BarGrid Page 3 of 3
KAM'S
SHACKER NIGHT $2 UV VODKA $2 HOT STUFF SHOTS $2.50 BUD BOTTLES $5 24oz SHACKERS
Burger Night! $1 Burgers 8pm - Midnight $4 High Life Pitchers $2 U Call it $2 Soco Lime
Mustache Night!
Absolut Friday! Live DJ at 10pm, $4 Blue Guys, $3 24oz Lite & Coors Lt. Cans, $3 Jameson Shots $1.50 Mickey’s Bottles
BIG FRIDAY! BIGGER IS BETTER! $5 BIG 32 oz Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms
Customize Your Guinness Shirt from 5-7PM! $3 Pub Stout & Batch 19 $7.50 Rolling Rock Pitchers $2.50 Wild Turkey & Bacardi Mixers, $4 Jager Bombs
RIDER SANDALS FOOSBALL TOURNEY! Win a Custom Foosball Table Open at 5pm $1 Fratty Natty Bottles
$4 High Life Pitchers $2 U Call it
6 DJS Spinning all Night Starts at 6pm $2 Bacardi Drinks $3 Blue Guys
Solo Cup Saturday! Solo Cup Specials $1 Baby Bombs
$2.50 Killians, Leinies, Third Shift & Shock Top Pints $2.50 Bacardi Mixers $5 Jameson Irish Whiskey Doubles
Frat Potion Night $3 Three Olives $3.50 Three Olives Bombs $3 Cuervo Silver Tequila $3 Bud Light Bottles
$4 Pitchers, $2 U Call It
SUNDAY FUNDAY! Bears Football at Night $2 U Call It Wells, Bottles & Drafts
Sunday Funday! $3 All Drafts
Trivia Starts Sept. 4 @ 9pm $6 PBR & Hamms $2.50 Wells (U-Call It) $4 Pub Bombs
Book your Next Party or Event Here! Contact our Event Planners at CochraneParty@gmail.com or Call 217-722-9000
$1 U Call It
Monday Night Football: Open 7pm $1.50 Lite Pop Top Cans - Win Miller Fun!, $5 Pitchers, Free Pizza at Half Time, Pool League! $2 Jack & Soco, Jack Daniels Girls!
"Beer Lovers Night" $2 All Domestics $3.50 All Imports
$4 Guinness, Smithwick’s $5 Sailor Jerry Doubles $2.50 Pinnacle Vodka Mixers
MONDAY NIGHT LION $1 WELLS $2 ILLINI LONG ISLANDS $2 CAPTAIN MORGAN $3 RED BULL VODKA’S
$3 High Life Pitchers $1 U Call It $0.50 Pizza Slices (8pm - 12am)
Casey James Party promoted by StarCourse - 105.9 Live radio remote Win Tickets to See Casey James on Oct. 3rd! Coors Girls, $1.50 Whiskey Drinks, $1.50 Coors Bottles, $1.50 Lite & Coors Lt. Drafts & $1.50 Incinerator Shots
$2.50 Domestic Drafts $3.50 All Other Drafts
$3 Blue Moon + Red’s Apple Ale Pints, $5 Jim Beam Honey Barrels, $2.50 Dr. Shots
$2 UV VODKA $1 SHOTS (SHOT MENU) $3 BUD LIGHT 24oz TALLBOYS
$4 High Life Pitchers $1 U Call It $1 Chicken Strips (8pm -12am)
Platinum Wednesdays Bud Girls! Win Cubs Tickets $2 Platinum, $1.50 Bud & Bud Lt. $5 Lime a Rita Pitchers $4 Bacardi Buckets
School of Beer $2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles
Logo Mug Night: Oktoberfest Kickoff $2.50 Pinnacle Mixers $2.50 Orchata, $4 Jager Bombs
BUCKET NIGHT $4 Jim Beam Buckets $4 Pinnacle Vodka Buckets $4 Cruzan Rum Buckets $2 Sailor Jerry Drinks
$4 High Life Pitchers $2 U Call It $3 Jager and Vegas Bombs $4 Car Bombs
Wed. 9/25
$2.50 Corona, Stella Artois, Heineken 2.50 Skyy Mixers $5 Jameson & Bacardi Doubles $2.50 Orchata
Klub Kam’s with Live DJ $5 KamIslands, $3 Blue Guys, $2 Lite & Coors Lt Bottles, $2 Redd’s Bottles, $2 Fireball & Doctor Shots Glow Sticks & Great Dance Music
Tuesday 9/24
$4 High Life Pitchers $2 U Call It $3 Jager and Vegas Bombs $4 Car Bombs
Monday 9/23
Kruue presents... Chicago DJ Ross Heinz WIN $500 Spring Break Gift Card to Cancun and other prizes!! Disflow 10pm - 11pm BUCKET NIGHT!
Sunday 9/22
Logo Mug Night: Rolling Rock $2.50 Pinnacle Mixers $2.50 Orchata, $4 Jager Bombs
Saturday 9/21
Every Day! $4 High Life Pitchers $3 Jager Bombs, $3 Jameson Shots, $1 Kamikazes
Friday 9/20
SATURDAY: Frat Potion Night $3 Three Olives $3.50 Three Olives Bombs $3 Cuervo Silver Tequila $3 Bud Light Bottles
Thursday 9/19
School of Beer $2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles
Come watch the all the Blackhawks Preseason Games! 9/19, 9/20, 9/22, 9/23, 9/28
Wed. 9/18
Platinum Wednesdays Bud Girls! Win Cubs Tickets $2 Platinum, $1.50 Bud & Bud Lt. $5 Lime a Rita Pitchers $4 Bacardi Buckets
Mustache Night!
SPECIAL NIGHT
SATURDAY: 6 DJS Spinning all Night Starts at 6pm $2 Bacardi Drinks $3 Blue Guys
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FOR YOU! • 1, 2, 3 & 4 BEDROOM APARTMENTS AND TOWNHOMES. • INDIVIDUAL BATHROOMS. • INTERNET, CABLE, WATER, TRASH AND PARKING. • WASHER & DRYER IN EVERY APARTMENT. • TWO SHUTTLES TO U OF I CAMPUS, INCLUDING LATE-NIGHT SERVICE. AND SO MUCH MORE! Text "COLBERT" to 47464 for Specials! (217) 353.6800 | www.villagecp.com
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Around campus Send us your party pics from around campus to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
on the Streets If you were to pen an R&B song about the time you lost your virginity, what would it be titled? ior Sandip, Sen
“Charges Dropped”
Tom, Senior
“Out of the Closet, Part 1”
r Mark, Senio
“Beginner’s Luck”
15
Bartenders of the Week Relationship Status: Single
Relationship Status: Long distance, so basically single.
Major: Eating Average Box
Major: I’m a woman, does it matter?
Favorite Drink: Beef Curtain Juice
Favorite Drink: Blue Guy
Favorite Shot: JFK
Favorite Shot: Buttery Nipple
Disgusting Drink: Blue Guys
If you could have a pound of anything, what would you have a pound of?: I can’t answer that legally.
If you could have a pound of anything, what would you have a pound of?: Mescaline
Are you a member of the Illuminati? Prove it: If I told you I’d have to kill you.
Are you a member of the Illuminati? Prove it: Bitch, I might be.
What’s the most embarrassing thing your best friend’s ever done?: Sucked off LMFAO.
If you were alive in Medieval England, what do you think you’d be doing with your life?: Running a whore house
If you were alive in Medieval England, what do you think you’d be doing with your life?: Running a brothel and carving dildos out of wood.
What word do you find strangely sexual?: Box
Josh of
Clybourne
What word do you find strangely disturbing?: Box What’s the nerdiest thing you did as a kid?: Attended class sober. One time, you laughed so hard you…: Pooped outside of Red Lion.
Drinking Game
Darija of Kam's
What word do you find strangely sexual?: Sticky. What’s the nerdiest thing you did as a kid?: I was the magic carpet in the Aladdin play in third grade. One time, you laughed so hard you…: Made him pull his pants back up.
Recipe for disaster
Breaking Booze
Morning-After Mixer
With AMC’s Breaking Bad coming to an end, making a drinking game out of it was inevitable. However this game is not a celebration of the Emmy Award-winning series but rather a celebration of the fact that in a very short amount of time you will stop being asked, “So do you watch Breaking Bad?” So sit back, drink, and watch Heisenberg do what he does best … ruin everyone’s life that he comes in contact with.
Sometimes the previous night rears its ugly head the next morning in the form of nausea and migraine headaches. Lucky for you, we’ve compiled the best hangover cures to form an all-powerful hangover helper.
What You’ll Need: Beer, a TV and someone raving about Breaking Bad enough to convince you to watch it. Number of Players: However many can comfortably fit on your couch. Level of Intoxication: Casual How To Play: - Invite all your friends over on Sunday night to watch Breaking Bad. - When the show begins, drink when: - Jesse says, “Bitch!” If he says it more than twice in a sentence, finish your beer. - A commercial for Low Winter Sun comes on. - Someone destroys a phone. - Someone in the room says, “Skyler is bitch” or “Fuck Skyler.” So pretty much anything anyone says about Skyler. - Money is shown. - Percent purity of meth is brought up. - Walt Jr. eats breakfast (drink double if it’s
awkward). - Saul changes phones. - Marie says something annoying, which is every time she opens her mouth. - Walt lies. - Somebody says, “Why are all the woman characters so friggin’ awful on this show? Is Vince Gilligan a misogynist? Or he just pissed off about constantly being asked about his island and how the Skipper is?”
What You’ll Need: A blender, two Tylenol, one bottle of purple Gatorade (it must be purple), orange juice, tomato juice, celery, a cup of black coffee, a greasy hamburger, 10-piece chicken nuggets, a can of beer, graham crackers, an Alka-Seltzer tablet, and pickle juice (an old Polish trick we learned from an alcoholic cleaning lady). Cook Time: 15 minutes Fatty Factor: You had like 10 beers last night, let’s cut the crap. Let’s Get Baked: - Set up your blender. Make sure it has a tightly-fitted cap; this is gonna get messy. - Start making the coffee as you start filling the blender. - Put the hamburger and chicken nuggets in the blender first, these will require the most blending. - Now throw in the graham crackers, Tylenol, orange and tomato juices, celery, purple Gatorade, pickle juice and beer. - When the coffee is finished, pour it into the blender. - Blend the ingredients on high until it has the texture of a runny shake and a brownish-green color. Mmm… - Drop the Alka-Seltzer tablet in. If it just sits on the top, push it down into the mixture. - Once it dissolves, drink it up! Your hangover is now ready to be vanquished! If you throw up while drinking it remember that it isn’t from the Morning-After Mixer, it’s because you drank too much last night, you jackass!
The Game Ends When: The episode ends. If you’re a real fan, play again for the second showing.
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Booze Review Seagram’s Apple Twisted Gin Grade: A written by: Kitty Kat
We’ve done it; we’ve finally found it. The Black Sheep is proud to present to you the ultimate barn dance beverage. It goes hand-in-hand with hay bales, straw hats and steaming cow pies. You’ll want it morning, noon and night this crisp fall season. Remember when you were a kid and went to the pumpkin patch with mom and dad to find the perfect little orange pumpkin to pathetically paint later that night? That’s what Seagram’s tastes like. Remember getting so drunk during last October’s barn dance that you passed out in the fields and your roommates took the bus back without you? That’s what Seagram’s tastes like. Remember all the fun you’re going to have this year, with bright red leaves falling and circling at your feet? That’s what Seagram’s tastes like. And dammit, you should try it. Typical Drinkers: “Country” girls who have never left the city, Luke Bryan fans, people born in the fall, the husband and daughter in American Gothic and 100% Americana Greek life kids User Comments: “Well, yeehaw! I could get used to this.” “This is my favorite season by far, man.” “Which color flannel should I wear?” “My calves are too thick for these boots.”
A Suitable Acrostic Poem of “Apple Gin”: Another shot Pour it in your flask Plod out to the stables Look at the pigs Empty their troughs of waste Gather the chicken eggs Invite your family over for dinner Never take a shower Best Described as a Lyric: “My grammar be’s ebonic, gin, tonic and chronic.” – Nelly, “Country Grammar” You’ll Like This if You Like: Smelling likes cows and sneezing up black snot the next morning Drinking cider before mounting your stallion and riding out of town Food Pairing Suggestion: A hearty dish of freshly caught catfish and homemade mashed potatoes and gravy. Finish it off with apple pie straight out of the oven and a night with the banjo on the front porch. Make sure you have a piece of straw hanging out of your mouth the whole time too.
Best Mixer: Seagram's ginger ale
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Freshman Forum: Roommates and How to Get Them Out By: Strawberry Shortcock Recently, The Black Sheep has received an abnormal number of letters from our earnest freshmen readers desperately in need of direction and advice on one prominent topic. After weeks of loyal camaraderie and the best of friendship, these freshmen are grievously upset to realize that their roommates actually suck. Maybe she never cleans up her side of the room. Maybe, two Piano Mans ago, he had sex on your bed because he couldn’t climb to the top bunk after drinking his very first Long Island. Or, just maybe, she steals the vibrating end of your toothbrush every time Law and Order: SVU comes on. Whatever the reason, your roommate just isn’t as cool as they seemed when you first met. Fear not, dear readers! We are here to help. This is what we know. Living with a roommate is identical to a real-life marriage, and research shows that marriage also sucks. In the honeymoon period, you and your new roommate spend your time learning about each other, hanging out willingly and still having lots of metaphoric sex (unless you’re those gay guys from the corner triple in an open relationship, in which case, you have lots of actual sex). But then, things start to crumble. You start fighting about who last took out the garbage or who should clean up the puke neither of you has the balls to claim. You weren’t prepared for this level of commitment. You’re only a couple of weeks into college and you’re already tied down to some asshole for what feels like the rest of your life. Sadly, divorces aren’t as easy to come by in the dorms as they are in real life.
Your RA will tell to try and work things out before they consider moving one of you all the way to FAR. But, if you’re like worried reader Amanda Konigsberg, who claims she walked in on her roommate “sniffing her fucking bra pads,” desperate times call for desperate measures. For your convenience, we have wracked our brains and hearts in search of a possible solution to your troubles. We’ve come up fifteen alternative approaches to room transfers that will ensure your roommate will be out of your hair by the end of the week. Please use the advice column below at your own discretion and know that The Black Sheep is not legally responsible for any of our readers’ actions: 1. Personally and relentlessly attack their political, religious or cultural beliefs. Go ahead and call them out on Facebook for it, in front of family members and hometown friends. 2. Poop in a decorative mason jar and leave it under their pillow. 3. Eat all of their food and replace it with shafts of warm Go-Gurt. 4. Refuse to buy any alcohol that isn’t Burnett’s. And then don’t let them have any of it when they ask. 5. Hide their inhaler, EpiPen, birth control pills or any other serious, life-saving medication they may have. Watch them suffer. 6. Replace all of their personal framed photographs with pictures of a young Elton John. 7. Learn to play “Wonderwall” on the guitar by practicing every single morning at sunrise.
WEAR IT ON YOUR SLEEVE
8 . Watch The View at highly inappropriate times, like 2 a.m. or while he or she is studying. Make sure to yell at the screen and counter everything Whoopi says. 9. Raise a small herd of barn cats in the closet. Bonus points if you don’t litter box train them. 10. Say with sincerity, “I really feel for The Red Lion Poop Girl.” And when they don’t agree with you, insist that they must have been Poop Girl. 11. Upload videos to YouTube of them sleeping with tags like “naked” and “sexy.” 12. Read an issue of The Daily Illini out loud to them while they’re trying to fall asleep or talk on the phone to their mom. 13. Do that thing with your teeth. 14. Respond to them only via Taylor Swift lyrics. 15. Stage an elaborate death scene in your room so that when they walk in, it looks like you were brutally murdered with a pick ax. Totally cake the room with fake blood and guts, and make sure to get a picture of their face when you jump and up and say, “PSYCH, BITCH.” Those of us at The Black Sheep wish you only the best of luck in getting those testicle jockeys out of your dorm room so that you can finally sleep in peace. And in the future, freshmen, please never fucking write to us again.
NO LINE, NO WAITING, NO COVER SUNDAY-TUESDAY: $1 WELLS
WHY WOULD YOU GO ANYWHERE ELSE?
THURSDAYS
CUSTOMIZE YOUR OWN FREE GUINNESS T-SHIRT Friday Sept. 20th from 5pm to 7pm 604 East Green Street | (217) 344-4372
gic ck! a i M e ba d r ca ar Ba ns
401 E Green St • 217-344-4600
$1 BURGERS 8PM - MIDNIGHT
Continued from the cover "I understand that you want to know exactly what it is that we do here at the Bud Lab. Well, it is very complicated and sophisticated and stuff. You see, our goal is to understand this fine product from top to bottom. We spend all day drinking, observing, and tasting, with the ultimate goal of coming up with the best possible Budweiser experience.” At this point, Bud directed our attention to what he referred to as the “Games Department.” This division of their laboratory consisted primarily of a slanted beer pong table with only three legs and a thick layer of dust. Games President Goose took the floor from here. “In the games department we try to figure out the best way to play your favorite drinking games. Last week we did an extensive study on beer pong. Our main goal was to discover the best type of ball to use. We started off with tennis balls, but found out that the lateral, er, overall circumferal qualities of the ball was just too big. It knocked all the cups over. We then tried baseballs, but that pretty much had the same effect. We concluded by noting that ping pong balls were probably the best thing to use.” Next, the group was shown the R&D Department of the garage. A small man named Scooter showed them the experiments they had been conducting on drinkability. “Our first test was to see at which point in the life cycle beer tastes the best. We opened up some beers and let them sit for a couple days. We concluded that beer tasted the best right when you open it. We also have been doing some preliminary tests on adding whiskey to beer. It seems at this point that it gets you more drunk. Not only that, though, and this is the interesting part, it actually gets you drunk faster. We’re very excited about this prospect.” Our writers then asked if they could get a demonstration from Bulldozer, who was the group’s Head Trashcan Thrower, but couldn’t because Bulldozer was sleeping. Finally Bud took the floor. “Then there’s me. Head of Espionage. What I mean by that is that I act as Head of Marketing. I just thought that calling it espionage was way cooler. What I do is go out into public and find the best strategy to sell Budweiser. So far it seems that the 18-20-year-old market is our most enthusiastic buyer. Along with this I actually do spy on people from other beer companies. And yes, I’ve killed a few.” Overall, Bud and the gang seemed like a couple of cool dudes. They’re just a few devoted beer drinkers who want to help out the rest of campus with their knowledge on beer drinking. We celebrated our friendship by drinking a new beer formula that Scooter had been working on. We told him that it tasted just like a half-and-half mix of Budweiser and Bud Light, to which Scooter blushed in embarrassment. Note: If you wish to join the crew at the Bud Lab as a Distribution Manager, applications are currently being accepted. To submit, go to Den Liquor on Thursday night and buy a case of Bud Light for the teenagers loitering outside.
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the Fall TV Schedule Don’t know about you, but we couldn’t be more excited for fall’s upcoming television series. TV, being a medium of propriety and constant self-improvement, has only continued to become more and more respected in the eyes of the public. And, really, it couldn’t be more important to us: sharing with you some of the best of what fall has to offer. Oh, this is so exhilarating! But enough of our gushing, this TV isn’t gonna watch itself! Now, let’s sit back and learn about what’s on the ol’ boob tube this fall…
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Master Chef Junior (Friday, Sep. 27 at 8/7c on Fox) W-well okay. So, to start we have a show starring Gordon Ramsay and a bunch of children. Sounds likewell, it certainly sounds like an idea. Like Barney but with more chronic heartburn. Who is this show for? Kids? Probably not. Kids hate old British dudes. Adults? Probably not. Adults hate Gordon Ramsay. It’d be a lie to say that the show isn’t intriguing from a distance, however. What tools will Ramsay supply the kids with? Like, are the kids rationed out Easy-Bakes or are there really sharp knives everywhere or does Ramsay just not give a fuck? Has his culinary expertise actually caused him to acquire a taste for human flesh? Oh, God that would be such a delicious twist. It’s not going to happen, ‘cause “parent groups” and whatever. It’s also doubtful this series would be able to pull such a move with any dramatic tact whatsoever. What a shame. We were hoping the first show would really knock it out of the park. Oh, well. Let’s see what’s next.
By: Kevin Wise
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Million Second Quiz (Monday, Sep. 9 at 8/7c on NBC) Huh. A game show. Okay, we’ll give this one a shot. Actually, the internet tells us this one already premiered. And no one liked it. Why, you ask? Well, it wasn’t because it was poorly made (although, certain technical problems suggest otherwise), but because it was too confusing. So, before we put on our basket hats and march into town, pitchforks ablaze, let’s see what the show’s website has to say for itself:
The story of several young people from around the world who represent the next stage in human evolution, possessing special powers, including the ability to teleport and communicate with each other telepathically. Together they work to defeat the forces of evil. – IMDB
Oh, okay. It’s in an hourglass. Cute. Wait, what does this even mean? The people in the MONEY CHAIR get money while they’re in the chair; that makes sense. But how long do they have to be there? Just the hour, right? For as long as the show is actually broadcast? And they’re just being asked random trivia? Like every quiz show ever? Could this just be called Quiz and no one would be the wiser? But they kidnap the people that win. And make them “survive” next to a giant hourglass in the middle of the city. That’s what makes it different? What the fuck is going on here?
Wait a minute. This sounds exactly like the movie Chronicle. And every X-Men thing ever. And Carrie. Is this what happens when CW tries to go toe-to-toe with ABC? Is this a response to Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.? Well, good job with that one, as it’s clear The Tomorrow People set out on cancelling Agents’ banality with its own. Oh. Oh! You think Agents might be rad? Quickly, recite your favorite superheroes from the past Marvel movies. Was it Hawkeye, the dude who uses a bow? What about Black Widow, the lady who kills people by being all sexy? The guy who collected Captain America trading cards? Did you like him? Well, then…yeah, you might dig Agents. God, what is with these shows, though? We just wanted a fun fall season. Where’s the creativity? Where’s the spunk? Hopefully in the next few shows. We’re not sure we can take much more of this.
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Dracula (Friday, Oct. 25 at 10/9c on NBC) Ugh. Vampires. Vampires and werewolves. Twilight wasn’t good! Neither was True Blood! Stop it! Stop it all of you! For some reason, the overreaching awfulness of the genre feels like accepted fact, but the urge to state your dissatisfaction still bubbles in the back of your throat. Why is this happening? Who is the person in charge of these projects that truly has a passion for the modern vampire? Who are the people that are just eating this up? Spoiler: he bites people. He’s a vampire and he’s going to bite sexy lady necks while looking all sexy. Maybe, if we’re lucky, he’ll bite some sexy dude necks. And then he’s going to be all mysterious and totally charming at the same time. This can’t still be selling. Please, tell us the vampire well is running dry. Tell us the perversion of classic horror monsters is done. What’s next? Mummies? Is the infatuation pop culture has with fetishizing old-timey, horror-fiction bullshit ever going to fade away?
Witches of the East End (Sunday, Oct. 6 at 10/9c on Lifetime) Ugh. Witches. Witches and wizards. When does it end? It’s our fault, really. It’s not like every, single millennial didn’t memorize their Patronus at an early age. It’s not like we didn’t treat Wicked as the greatest thing since the wheel. And we enabled it all, just so we could vicariously live our dreams of being magic people. But enough’s enough. Magic isn’t magic anymore. It’s time to go home. Witches of the East End looks like Wizards of Waverly Place for adults, but, if you take the time to really look at that statement, you’ll realize how ludicrous it is. Perhaps the next show bucks this trend.
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The Tomorrow People, huh? That’s what you got? Future Folks not good enough for you? Whatever, have your name, but know that it isn’t even enough to convey what the show is about. We assume it has something to do with watch manufacturers. Well, actually, The Tomorrow People is:
...‘ The Million Second Quiz’ is a…competition where contestants…battle each other in intense head-to-head bouts of trivia for 12 consecutive days and nights. The competition…will air in primetime, LIVE from a three-story hourglassshaped structure. Money is accumulated by sitting in the ‘[MONEY CHAIR]’ (note: NBC doesn’t capitalize this, but they really should) and answering trivia questions against a rival. The longer a contestant stays in the chair, the more money is added until he/she is defeated by a challenger. During the million seconds the top four players who have accumulated the largest amounts of money up to that point in the game will live next to the hourglass in ‘Winners’ Row’ and try to survive there until the million seconds are up. – NBC
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The Tomorrow People (Wednesday, Oct. 9 at 9/8c on CW)
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Sleepy Hollow (Monday, Sep. 16 at 9/8c on Fox) Well, screw you too, TV.
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Cryptography read more online TheBlackSheepOnline.com
read more online TheBlackSheepOnline.com
U. Illinois Graduate Relocation Program By: Office of the Chancellor On behalf of all the employees at the Office of the Chancellor and the University of Illinois, we would like to once again welcome the class of 2017. As autumn symbolizes a new beginning, we at the University of Illinois also believe that it represents the foundation of a fresh generation of students to replace those lost by the previous spring’s commencement. For 147 years, UIUC has prided itself in preparing students for life after college, whether that is for future careers or the prospect of bitter unemployment. Over the past few years, however, it has become apparent to university officials that our institution may not be adequately guiding students towards successful lifestyles. With bar admittance granted to ages 19 and older and the ever-growing admiration for Greek life, it has become apparent that students at UIUC are mostly learning how to combat a roaring hangover while simultaneously passing classes by the skin of their teeth. Graduation rates remain at an all-time high for the university, yet the unemployment rate for UIUC graduates is 30% below the national average. Recently, the university has begun monitoring student RSOs as well as campus facilities in order to track the number of non-student graduates along with enrolled undergraduates. Startling
data indicates that more than half of the people participating in campus life are university graduates who have yet to leave Champaign. Sad, public displays of college years reminiscing have started to plunge undergraduate morale into the shitter. Pardon our French. In light of this situation, Chancellor Wise would like to introduce the brand new “UIUC Graduate Relocation Program” in a direct statement from the chancellor herself: “We believe that it is important to look after those who have entrusted their education with the University. While we do not want to help their financial situations by relieving their acquired tuition debts, we do want to give them some odd jobs to do around the campus in order to make them seem less desperate, homeless and hopelessly unemployed. As a result, undergraduates, especially those majoring in rhetoric and the liberal arts, will feel more at ease about their futures with the knowledge that UIUC sort of has their backs.” The University is set to implement the UIUC Graduate Relocation Program immediately, without the consent of the student government, due to their habitual uselessness when it comes to university affairs. Any loitering graduates from the past spring will be given specific positions
on campus that will help benefit the current students of the university. The approved list of positions along with their descriptions is as follows: Replacement Alma Mater: Since the cosmetic surgery for the Alma Mater is taking a hell of a lot longer than we expected, UIUC is seeking stoic graduates who have the capacity to stand completely still for hours at a time. Requirements include massive upper body strength to keep arms outstretched for extended periods of time, and access to green robes. Positions available: 3 Bible Collectors: Every so often, students on their way to class are burdened with religious fundamentalists passing out pocket Bibles on street corners. As a collector, you will be responsible for gathering the Bibles offered to students and disposing of them properly in a fiery pit or recycle bin. Requirements include being able to tolerate hours of enforced religion and having the ability to say, “Yes.” Positions available: 20 Usher: Despite having over 40,000 graduates and undergraduates, the university continues to minimize lecture space by making seats uncomfortably close together so that reaching a seat becomes damn near impossible if a student arrives late to class. You must be able to find adequate seating for the individual
Tom Hanks Jealous of Brother’s Success at UIUC By: Winnie Bago
and are responsible for clearing the path of backpacks and laptops. You will also need to convince students sitting at the end of empty rows to move toward the middle as a matter of convenience. Ushers are mandated to attend all lectures held in Noyes, Loomis, Greg Hall, Foellinger, 103 Mumford and 124 Burrill Hall. Positions available: As many as we can get Jaywalking Patrol: In order to gain more revenue for the university, patrol officers will be required to stand at the corners of Green and Wright, Sixth and Green, as well as the tiny sliver of road at
Tom Hanks wants to squish his brother like a bug. Hanks’ younger brother, Lawrence M. Hanks, teaches entomology at the University of Illinois. Some students are attracted to his class just because of his family’s celebrity status, while others praise him simply for being a great professor. Either way, Hanks said he's jealous of his baby brother’s popularity and success. Lawrence covers insect ecology and behavior, chemical ecology, p h e ro m o n e, Ce ra m byc i d a e, and insect-plant interactions. Accordingly, Tom’s jealousy is validated by students’ reviews of his brother’s teaching abilities. Lawrence earned an honor few achieve on RateMyProfessor. com: the chili pepper. This means Lawrence is a hot piece of ass. In the rest of the categories, Lawrence scores as follows (on a scale of 1 to 5): Overall Quality: 4.9; Helpfulness: 5.0; Clarity: 4.9; Easiness: 3.6. “Basically, I’m the bomb,” Lawrence proudly proclaimed. Police report that Tom has been stalking Lawrence’s students’ dorms in an effort to change their minds about who is the better brother. He waits outside of his brother’s classes and as the students leave smiling, thrilled at the wonders Lawrence taught them that day, Tom trails behind them, hiding in the dumpster chutes of respective residence halls. When he is sure students are asleep after exhausting their Netflix accounts, Tom cuts the
wires of their alarm clocks, forcing them to sleep through Lawrence’s class the next day. Lawrence said he doesn’t take too kindly to his brother's sabotage. Tom has even gone as far as cutting Lawrence’s alarm clock to keep him from class. On one hot, heartbreaking August night, Tom broke into Lawrence’s Champaign apartment and ripped the wings off all the butterflies in Lawrence’s collection. “He’s just jealous that I’m a praying mantis and he’s a lowly centipede,” Lawrence said. “He may play lots of movie roles with his hundred legs, but I will clamp down on his puny head and show him who runs this family.” The animosity between the Hanks brothers extends to father and son as well. Recently, Lawrence and Colin, Tom’s son, have created a support group for members of the family victimized by Tom’s jealously. Colin was targeted for being named one of the 25 Hottest Bachelors by People Magazine in 2003. “You don’t have the body you had in Castaway anymore, Dad,” Colin said. “I was the one who popped all your Wilson balls in your study to try to teach you a lesson. Get over it.” In early September, members of the Hanks family met in a remote cave location in South America to take a vote on how to retaliate against Tom. The family convened on the island Castaway was shot on. The selection of a location that
Sixth and John to issue tickets to students jaywalking during a rush to class. Must be able to withstand incessant profanity along with the risk of bodily harm. Positions available: 15 As a result, UIUC will be issuing a 10% increase in tuition rates in order to execute this program without any expenses towards the University itself. Students will not be permitted to refuse this addition to their tuition fees as well as any other fees issued by university groups such as The Daily Illini.
was dear to Tom was meant to provide the nostalgia factor in the intervention and to keep anyone from escaping easily. The verdict was a “yo mama” style Hanks-Off. Tom took the microphone first, digging his feet into the degraded sand that experienced severe littering after fans learned of the film’s location. He braided his hair, put on a bandana, bent forward forty-five degrees and began beatboxing. “Yo Lawrence! Your time going through puberty was so bad your balls dropped and chest hair sprouted in one night, like you were Big! Oh wait, that was me! Boom!” The family groaned and took sips from their Capri Sun pouches. Alcohol was banned from the event as a precaution so Tom wouldn’t drink, take to the sea and drown. Lawrence took the mic to retaliate. “Life’s like a bunch of titty twisters. Your life sucks, Tom,” Lawrence said, as he tried to stifle a giggle during his brief Forrest Gump “roast.” Tom stood up again. “You’re so annoying, Lawrence, that it always feels like I’m Woody, and I’ve got a snake in my boot!” Tom paused. He looked down and actually saw that there was a snake slithering into his boot. Tom is now hospitalized in Champaign’s Carle Hospital. Lawrence has resumed classes with his adoring fans.
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