Illinois - Issue 5 - 2/20/2014 by The Black Sheep

The Black Sheep

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Vol. 24, Issue 5

THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE

2/19/14 - 2/26/14

LG-BLT FIGHTS FOR

EQUAL SANDWICH RIGHTS TEX MEX WROTE THIS Controversy spread a smear of special sauce at a local Subway last weekend when a customer-- asked if he wanted mayo on his BLT-- replied he preferred “light guac” instead. The head sandwich artist at the establishment politely explained to the customer that the guacamole spread is only a seasonal promotion and not part of the normal Subway condiment lineup. Outraged, the customer allegedly grabbed the sandwich artist by the collar, demanding to know what he was implying by saying that guacamole wasn’t “normal.” Before the county-renowned shift lead could respond, the enraged customer flung himself over the counter, nabbed a handful of “daily fresh” meatballs, and crammed them down the employee’s throat. Upon swallowing, the shift leader died instantly. Unfortunately, this is just one of several cases of abusive avocado rights activists in the past month. Each week, at least three accounts of Subway employees being attacked for not having the restaurant’s seasonal guacamole spread available as a selectable condiment occur, with the assaults usually leading to deaths caused by the ingestion of Subway’s least popular toppings. However, members of the LG-BLT community have responded to the violence, claiming that these forms of militant activism are hurting the cause rather than helping. “Every time I read about another Subway employee victimized by these ridiculously small-minded crusaders who think they’re making a difference, my lettuce browns,” commented a leading LG-BLT sandwich. “What the LG-BLT community is fighting for is complete and total sandwich equality across all condiments. When someone who is ‘supporting the cause,’ or whatever, resorts to abuse over diplomacy, it’s not just a loss for BLTs with a refreshing avocado-based twist; it’s a loss for all deli-style sandwiches.” The topic of the LG-BLT struggle has been as piping hot as toasting ovens in recent years. With more and more uncommonly-seasoned and sauced sandwiches “coming out of the container” so to speak, members across the entire sandwich community have become increasingly vocal about what condiments really make a sandwich “normal.” Just over the weekend, a leading figurehead of seemingly traditional, cold-cut lunchmeat sandwiches revealed that it always had, in fact, always had a small amount of hot sauce wedged in between its turkey

slices. Being that cold-cuts are normally thought of as sandwiches meant for their refreshingly cool crispness, the reaction was intensely divided. “I just couldn’t look at my bread in the mirror anymore and continue living a lie and hiding such a huge part of myself,” admitted the turkey sandwich with lettuce, tomato and just a tidbit of Louisiana Hot Sauce. “But sandwiches need to start understanding that orders and sack lunches

are getting more and more diverse every single day. We don’t live in a world anymore where things are simply mayo or mustard—we have to look in between the vegetables. The redness soaked into my bread isn’t a stain. It’s a mark that I wear proudly because it’s who I really am inside.” Other sandwiches, like a foot-long Italian BMT, had a bit of a different reaction. CONTINUED ON PAGE 19

PAGE 6 FEMINIST LEARNS TO TAKE A JOKE LAUGHS OUT LOUD DURING GWS CLASS, RECEIVES FAILING GRADE.

PAGE 10 DISCUSSION SECTION "BLOWS" HIS COVER

PAGE 18 WHEN CANNING GOES HORRIBLY, HORRIBLY WRONG

SOURCE OF EXTREME FLATULENCE FINALLY DISCOVERED.

CHARITABLE STUDENT MISUNDERSTANDS, SUPPORTS DOMESTIC VIOLENCE.

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ILLUSIONAL

GUESS THE MASCOT

@BLACKSHEEP_UIUC

To be perceived oneself as sick as a means of justifiably avoiding class.

“Don’t be illusional Bethany,” Maria said, “you only had a coughing fit because it was your turn to hit the bowl.”

Hey there, I’ve never been on a spring break trip, but now that I’m a senior I kinda feel obligated to do it up big. I know a lot of people already have trips booked so I doubt I’ll be able to get a room anywhere near PCB or whatever. Any suggestions for where I should go? Thanks,

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Vacationing Vanessa

LAST WEEK’S ANSWER: UT LONGHORN

Dear Girl Gone Wild, Well you’re definitely more exciting than I am, that’s for sure. I pretty much planned to sit at home with my dog for a week, but I’m more than happy to help you out. Taking a trip to Florida or Mexico or Texas is a bit overrated. Why not keep it local? You know, invest in small businesses and such.

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LAST WEEK’S ANSWER: JOHN WATERS

Ever heard of Danville? It’s only a 36-minute drive straight east from campus, which is so much better than a 4-hour plane right or a 3-day road trip like some of your friends might be taking. So first of all, you need a place to stay. Danville offers a variety of places to stay, like campgrounds and bed and breakfasts, but we suggest the Super 8 on Lynch Drive. They’re all about value and a good time! Plus it’s not a bad idea to save money on your hotel so you have extra cash for all the activities in town! Interested in history? Danville is home to the Vermilion County War Museum that includes memorabilia from many of out country’s events since the Revolutionary War. Of course it isn’t the really cool stuff that the Smithsonian has, but it’s still pretty impressive. If eating your way through a trip is more your thing, They even have a Penn Station so it feels like you’re safe and sound back on campus. They also have four Burger Kings! Do you believe that?! Four! And seven Subways! Take a look for yourself on the Danville visitors’ information page. You’ll have the time of your life! Bring your sunscreen, Kitty Kat

PAGE 5

RA SAYS BULLETIN BOARD “WASN’T SUPPOSED” TO LOOK LIKE A SWASTIKA STRAWBERRY SHORTCOCK WROTE THIS A beloved third-year Resident Advisor at Scott Hall was recently fired after the bulletin board she designed with the intentions to celebrate Black History Month instead resembled a large, foreboding swastika. Tina Christianson, senior in ACES, says she was called in by her Resident Director and fired on the spot after students and staff complained that her bulletin board made the entire floor look like a “recruiting garage for neo-Nazis.” The board, which featured a large, crisscrossing time line purporting to represent the Underground Railroad, has since been taken down. But residents say that there was no mistaking the infamous, anti-Semitic symbol. “It was a giant, black swastika,” said Sarah Rodriguez, a freshman who lives on the floor. “She made a fucking giant swastika with little smiling people standing on in, with air quotes listing facts about Harriet Tubman. It was as if Martin Luther King, Jr. and Hitler had a bastard baby—fucking creepy, but a little more smiley than you expect.”

Christianson claims that the image on her bulletin board was entirely coincidental, citing her impressive track record for taking elective classes in sociology, gender and women’s studies, and English that focus on the struggles of marginalized groups as evidence of her inclusiveness. Glaringly, however, was a total absence from any class representing the department of Jewish studies.

“I mean, when I first saw it, I thought that her residents did it themselves,” said the building’s Multicultural Advocate, Mariah Robinson. “You know, just a bunch of freshmen being drunk assholes, making swastikas on bulletin boards and tea-baggin’ their roommates while they sleep. But then I found out that it was just Tina being an idiot again, and I just thought, ‘Damn girl, you are so dumb.’”

“Listen, I’ve written up so many instances of vandalism in my tenure as an RA,” Christianson said through her tears. “Most of the times it’s just dick carvings, but we get a lot of swastikas, too. So, I know very well what they look like—swastikas, I mean, not dicks. But I know what a penis looks like, too, obviously. And my board didn’t resemble one at all. A swastika. Not a penis.”

Incidentally, this isn’t the first time that Christianson has received a disciplinary reprimand for an on-the-job micro-aggression. After dressing up as a “kooky, kreepy and krawlin’, ghost” during the Halloween of her first year as an RA, Christianson was given a written warning and was forced to hold a program on potentially racist Halloween costumes, using her pointy-hooded ghost costume as an example.

Because RAs apparently go through extensive social justice training that helps them identify acts of discrimination, many community members have been left wondering how she let something this big slip.

No comment was available from University Housing, although an inside source did confirm that Christianson was seen carrying a poster of Mel Gibson as she moved her belongings out of her room.

More than anything, Christianson says that she just wants to move past the incident and begin repairing her dignity. She’s currently looking for room accommodations, because she’s no longer allowed in University Housing. Even Christianson’s friends have begun to turn their backs. “I mean, I tried talking to my friends with

the biggest apartments, you know—the ones who might have room for me to crash for a bit,” she said. “But, because they’re the biggest apartments, they’re also the most expensive, and because they’re expensive, only my Jewish friends can afford them. Obviously they’re not lining up to help me. No one is.”

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Roommates Still Won’t Tell Friend How He

Pooped His Pants Three Years Ago “A daytime keg race seemed like a good idea,” graduating senior Tyler Warshaw whispers through a thousand-yard stare, “It was a warm spring day, birds woke me up that morning. Isn’t it funny how you remember the small things?”

“It was super-gross,” Bryce notes, “[roommate] Dan and I made him sleep in the shower. We set our alarm clocks so we could get up in the middle of the night to turn the shower on just to fuck with him. Drunk idiot.”

“What you left in those drawers of yours was no small thing,” friend, former roommate, and tormentor Bryce Montaw heckles, elbowing Warshaw in his ribs.

“Listen, I’m just looking for answers,”Tyler pleads with Bryce, “like, did I poop my pants at the party and then leave, or was it on my way home or what? It’s killing me, man.”

It’s been almost three years since Warshaw arrived home at his Third and Springfield apartment reeking of raw sewage fermented in beer farts. To this day, neither of his roommates accompanying Tyler to the party will tell him about the incident.

“I dunno,” Montaw wryly responds. “I KNOW YOU KNOW!” Tyler cries out through tears. “You guys are such assholes,” Tyler moans. “I had to stop hanging out with that whole group because I don’t know if they know I shit my pants. I was pretty close with those guys! I went on spring break with them that year!” Montaw cracks a smile,“Speaking of assholes, remember that time your asshole had a bunch of shit come out of it and then it went into your pants like you’re a fuckin’ four-year-old or something?” Brendan wrote this

FEMINIST LEARNS TO TAKE A JOKE After several painstaking weeks of passive aggressive and backhanded comments between the men and women of the Intro to Gender and Women’s Studies lecture, the tension finally broke when a feminist laughed at a sexist joke. At approximately 2:34 p.m., avid women’s activist and feminazi Jackie Goldman was sent into a giggle fit after pledge bitch Rob Ignolia muttered a simple chauvinistic comment. “She was going on about how fraternities are ‘incubators of the perpetuating gender roles’ and that our university promoted misogyny through a strong, male-centric Greek life,” commented Ignolia. “She was pissing me off so all I said was, ‘Who let her out of the kitchen?’” Sources report that Goldman stared at Ignolia for a few moments before she burst into tears from laugher. In a mixture of shock from the men and disgust from the women, the entire class could only watch as her laughs shook the very foundation of feminism.

According to the Feminist Manifesto, acknowledgement of a kitchen joke by a woman r e g r e s s e s t h e w o m e n’s movement by at least fifty years. Dire consequences such as these provide a comprehensive explanation as to why many feminists have a perpetual stick up their asses. When asked to comment on her episode, Goldman stated, “After years of ignoring bigoted comments and enduring antifeminism jokes, I couldn’t take it anymore. All I’ve ever wanted

was to be treated as an equal. I guess that means learning to laugh with the boys.” After the incident, GWS professor Dr. Sarah Alback immediately dismissed the class and promptly failed Goldman for breaking the GWS Code of Conduct. Unfazed by the ordeal, Goldman reportedly returned to her dorm room to replace her shrine of Hillary Clinton with Twilight books and a vinyl copy of the single “Blurred Lines.” Sammie Sea wrote this

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PAGE 6

RECLUSE MOURNS THE DEATH OF SPIDER IN HIS ROOM SCOTTY G. WROTE THIS Kevin Cobblepot doesn’t like the outdoors. He barely even likes the hallway. His room is his life. In this secluded environment, Kevin has gotten by surprisingly well. He has a 3.5 GPA and several job opportunities set up for when he graduates in 2015; however, a recent event has put him in a terrible mental state. Was it the ongoing human rights violations around the globe? Was he heartbroken by his one true love? Was he outraged over Ashley Wagner’s undeservedly low figure skating score? Nope. He’s all bummed out from the death of a goddamn spider. Throughout his years as a voluntary insider, Kevin developed a special connection with a spider that spun webs in the corner of his room. His interactions with the spider started slowly as a bit of curiosity. He quickly discovered that this spider was everything he’d ever wanted in a friend; it never left the house, and it never bugged him about never leaving the house. Kevin explained his connection to the spider: “He wasn’t just a spider. His name was Barachnid Obama. He was a Black Widow and my best friend. Oh, the times we shared! We were like two peas trapped in a pod by stringy silk with the tensile strength of highgrade alloy steel.” Barachnid started showing signs of deteriorating

health over his final few weeks. He wasn’t his usual gregarious and inquisitive self. Instead, Kevin described his recent behavior as introspective and pretentious. Kevin continued: “It’s not just me that I’m worried about. Who’s going to take care of his family? Does Roxann-thropod have to raise the kids as a single mother? That’s going to be such a tough environment for Jeremy Lin-vertebrate to grow up in. Sure, his older brother will help out around the web, but taking over as man of the house will be difficult for Web-ster’s Stick-tionary.” After Barachnid’s passing, Kevin paid The Black Sheep $200 to run this story and include his heartfelt eulogy: “How can one sum up in words the life of such a friend? Are there words in our language that could possibly do justice to his magnificence? Of course there are. That’s why I wrote this. His four pairs of eyes held within them the purest of love, capable of quelling the world’s hatred. Have our lives ever felt such a loss? Have the souls of man ever hung so heavy? In recounting his days, I’m reminded of a quote that Barachnid shared with me in a dream I had. He said, ‘Kevin, do not mourn me, for there’s no place more full of tiny insects than heaven. Trust me, I’ve put like

a thousand of them there myself.’ So in his memory, I vow to move on, living the best life I know how. But for now, my sadness is transparent. I guess that’s why they call it window pain.”

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Kevin has skipped his last seven classes, but his blog posts have taken a slightly more optimistic tone lately. He’s expected to make a full recovery, unless of course, his pet cockroach bites the bullet.

PAGE 8

CAT DUMPS CAT LADY RIMA PARIKH WROTE THIS

Chaos erupted in the frozen food section of the campus Walgreens late Monday afternoon after an accounting professor collapsed in a fit of hysteria. Alyssa Brown was found bawling on the floor with four pints of Ben & Jerry’s at her side when a fellow shopper discovered her. Onlookers reported that she was fixated on her phone, seemingly unaware that she was sitting in a puddle of her own tears and dignity. The cause of the mental breakdown stemmed from a text message from Brown’s significant other, Mr. Pebbles, a four-pound, gray Persian cat, which informed Brown of her decision to leave. The text read as follows: “been feelin0 existnshul nd decide8 its over becus yor too mu59ch...i lft this morning took my stuf and also took te espreso makr ps sory fhor0 speling errrurs 9dnt hav opp3osble thums, ya bich” Understandably, Brown was in shock. “I just never saw it coming,” she sobbed. “We would always talk about spending our lives together—I thought he was committed. I mean, you don’t just lip-sync to Hilary Duff’s greatest hits with someone unless you guys are really serious.” Brown’s coworker, Carol Higgs, has been tirelessly consoling Brown ever since the public meltdown. Higgs, who generally identifies herself as an avid animal lover, confessed to having mildly hostile feelings toward “that fucking cat.” “I told her that she deserves so much better than that,” Higgs said. When asked whether she anticipated the end of the relationship, she became defensive. “No, never,” she said quickly. “I mean, there was a point where she kept telling him he looked like Nicolas

Cage, which might have pissed him off. But let’s be honest, Mr. Pebbles totally does look like Nicolas Cage.” Mr. Pebbles released a statement saying that he was sorry for causing Brown so much distress, but he hoped that she would move on and “possibly leave the house more and get an actual life.” “Look, I just couldn’t be in that apartment any longer. Being there with her makes my life feel boring and pointless. I hated being forced to watch Netflix with her every damn day. I’m young—I need adventure,” he expressed with surprising coherence. “I need inspiration to keep me going. I refuse to be a mindless, domesticated cat. I won’t conform to the societal expectations imposed upon me because of my species. Also, my name isn’t Mr.-fucking-Pebbles. It’s Greg.” He also cited reasons such as Brown being a “bad cuddler” and “just plain fat” as contributors to the breakup. After moving out of Brown’s place, Mr. Pebbles (“Greg”) decided to embark upon a journey to find himself. He has been seen roaming around Green Street, shopping at the sale section of Urban Outfitters, and befriending the homeless. According to his new best friend, Spooky-Eyed Martin, he’s doing well for himself. “Oh, he’s great!” Martin smiled proudly. “He just moved into my dumpster behind where IHOP used to be. I love the furry little guy. He’s a good friend, a reliable roommate, an awesome buddy to do crack with and he can cook. What more could a dude ask for?” The latest reports in this sad story said Brown was last seen crying, while hugging a broomstick that she vows to beat Mr. Pebbles with if he ever comes back.

CURRENT EVENTS

THE

TOP

TEN

MIDTERM MYTHS KITTY KAT WROTE THIS

If it hasn’t already started for you, the next few weeks will be crammed with midterm exams—everyone’s favorite part of the semester next to finals and a heart-wrenching break up. There will be lots of all-nighters, late-night Dunkin’ Donuts runs and more than one inconspicuous glance at your neighbor’s test during exam time. To help you prepare, we’ve debunked ten common myths about midterms that will hopefully help your “studying” routine. 10.) “Don’t wait until the last minute to start studying.”: We suggest the opposite of this. Don’t you feel so much better after 20 minutes of intense cramming? You open the test booklet, and it’s like a surge of adrenaline, filling out all the answers before your brain runs blank. That’s the only way to make midterms enjoyable and similar to a mind-blowing sprint to climax. 9.) “In past semesters, classes have averaged a B on this exam.”: If your professor says this, he or she is just rounding up … generously. Teachers never say this for tests that people aren’t concerned about, like Intro to Communication or a 100-level sociology class. This statistic is only brought up in calculus or chem, where students really care about what grade they're getting and the professor wants to seem as cool and fair as possible.

Winter Standoff Continues Between Two Green St. Bums LOUIS STEVENS WROTE THIS “I been here for about three years, man. Three years,” said Charles, a surprisingly well-dressed, middle aged man who occupies the area in front of the Subway-Panera Bread territory on Green Street. “Some of these rich-ass boys and girls with their Ugg boots and tight-ass jeans are some for the brattiest kids I ever met. Can’t even help a homie out with a quarter or sometin’?” Maybe the homeless man has a point. According to our calculations, about six thousand people walk past Charles between 8 a.m. and 6 p.m. His daily earnings float around the average of only $3.27. “I show ‘em the cup and they just scoff. Bitches.” On the other side of Green, near the Walgreens and Pizza Hut, stands Gunther, a wiry older gentleman who scares the piss out of anyone who looks up from their phone while walking. “Yeah, I’d say I’m more intense. That pussy over by the sandwich shops is too damn nice, man. He’s gotta grow a pair if he wants to make a living out here.” With the winter weather being as intense as it has been, money has been the least of their problems. It’s all about warmth and stability, and both want to be top dogs on campus. The crown can only go to one. “I’ve just been hanging out in the cosmetics aisle of this here Walgreens most of the time. When they ask me to leave, I ask them to show me which lipstick they would prefer to wear when they kiss my ass.” Charles, on the other hand, has been having more trouble finding a secure spot.

“Well, I used to make fires out behind Den Liquors, but those dudes who run the shop kept telling me that they pour out all the expired vodka and a real bad explosion could happen,” he said. “So now I just hang out in Panera’s bathroom. I live in the third stall to the right and shit in the first.” Not surprisingly, this winter has forced the two to resort to extreme measures to find a good night’s sleep. Charles admits to sneaking into Green Street Towers and sleeping on the couch of a sorority-packed apartment. “The pillows were soft as hell, man,” he said. “But I ain’t got no alarm clock, so when they woke up they was screaming and calling the police on me. I was like, isn’t this what y’all call shacking, anyway?” “See what I do,” said Gunther, “is I sneak in the back of this Pizza Hut and fall asleep under those big-ass pizza ovens. Warm as a newborn baby’s ass under the Olympic torch. Goddamn, it’s a wonderful place to take a siesta.” But how much longer can these guys battle it out with the temperatures in the single digits for months now? “Like I said, man, I been here three years. Ain’t no one outlasting me this year. Champaign’s my hood. My hood.” A tear fell from his soft check. He wiped it quickly. “Hey, don’t write that in there, homie. I ain’t no pussy.” On the other hand, it looks like Gunther has called it quits. “Oh, I’m fucking leaving tomorrow, man. My buddy up in Danville says there’s bingo night two nights a week, and he’s saying lady luck has been just such a bitch to him,” he said. “So I figured I’d head up there and make his life a little more miserable.”

8.) “The exam should take you about 40 minutes to complete.”: This is their excuse to have the exam during classtime instead of in the evenings or online with some extra clock cushion room. They’re also timing themselves taking the exam, and aren’t they supposed to be experts on the topic? 7.) “This test might be curved.”: Bullshit. Don’t count on this because there will always be one asshole in the class who manages 100%. And if there isn’t, the teacher will be too much of a academic stickler to keep his word. 6.) “I’ll be holding extra office hours this week.”: “But I’ll still be completely useless, as I am every other week. And good luck beating the 20-person line that is sure to be there.” 5.) “After the midterm, you will have nothing else to worry about until the final exam.”: Right. Except for the five other midterms I have and the four cumulative finals at the end of the semester. As well as just the general concerns of not dying or contracting an STD any time soon. Of course. This will be easy. 4.) “There are practice exams and solutions available on the course website.”: “But the questions I will be pulling for the exam are the ones you still don’t understand the answers to because the shitty, photocopied version of the solution sheet decided to blank out that part.” 3.) “Everything on the study guide is fair game for the exam.”: What professors mean to say here is that everything on the study guide is a mere suggestion. The questions will be a bunch of analysis and metaphorical synthesis of definitions and concepts that you could never reasonably reach from a list of general bullet points. 2.) “If you came to class and took notes, you’ll do fine.”: Showing up to class and scribbling down nonsense is one thing, but actually taking real, legible notes is another. Don’t think you’re going to skate easily through the test if your notebook is full of flower doodles and to-do lists for the party this weekend. 1.) “Remember to arrive on time, turn off your cell phones and remove your hats.”: Unless you’re an athlete, because then you can disregard all of this. Actually, don’t even bother coming. We’ll just give you an A.

PAGE 10

STUDENT ATTACKED AFTER ASKING LAST-MINUTE QUESTION IN CLASS Dan Mirabelli wrote this

machine to see everything that jiggles. Shit’s scary.”

Last Friday Greg Lolordo was attacked by a mob of his classmates when he asked the professor a question with less than two minutes left in lecture. Allegedly, Lolordo asked the professor to do another iClicker question for points, to which the professor complied. As the professor began to write down a new problem, the bell rang. After around a minute passed, an unidentified student yelled out, “Let’s get the rat bastard!” Details after this point became hazy as the room plunged into pandemonium.

“I’m betting he got away. He was sitting right by the door, and I bet he slipped out just in time. At least, I hope so,” said an optimistic Hillary Twig.

According to one student in the back row, a mob came down from their seats like an angry wave of vengeance upon Lolordo. After the scrum subsided, all that could be found of Lolordo was one New Balance tennis shoe and a digital watch. The rest of his body has yet to be discovered; however, there are some students who think they know the whereabouts of his remains. “I heard they completely dismembered him and scattered his limbs around the South Quad by all the agricultural buildings,” said fellow classmate Patrick Newman. “It’s supposed to be good fertilizer.” Another student, Frank Risk, had a theory that wasn’t so gruesome. “I heard they’re putting him through sorority girl scare tactics. Like stripping him down naked and putting him on running washing

Others claim that Lolordo has been hiding in Seniorland on the west side of campus, but there is not much that can be proven at this point in time. What can be said for certain is that a student attacking another student for a question is completely unacceptable. As a punishment to Lolordo’s classmates, all of their iClicker points for that day were deducted and transferred into his account. Until there is a shortlist of suspects, there is not much more that can be done to bring his attackers to justice. If you have any information regarding this incident, please contact the Champaign Police Department at 217-555-7667

DISCUSSION SECTION FARTER

“BLOWS” HIS COVER Since the beginning of the spring semester, the smell of flatulence has cast a pall over the Thursday discussion section of SOC 100. But last week, the perpetrator was finally discovered after attempts to narrow down a shortlist of suspects by the teaching assistant. Many have questioned the TA’s methods to uncover the student responsible for the stench, which among other approaches included contacting students’ families and friends asking for qualitative analysis of how they pass gas. “This student’s flatulence goes beyond the typical passing of gas. Normally it wouldn’t be a big deal, but it started to affect my teaching,” stated Shelly Mathers, the teaching assistant. “They were always silent, so figuring out what student was smoking out the classroom was exceedingly difficult. Some people might say what I did was wrong, but if they had their senses assaulted every a week by that asshole they would see things differently.” The student exposed himself last Friday when a honker was heard loud and clear, and was then triangulated to originate from Harry Sanders’ desk. Sanders initially attempted to maintain that this was his first offense, but once the familiar yet distinct rotten egg and bacon scent pervaded the classroom as it had all semester, there was no argument to be had. According to his classmates, Sanders is a quiet,

neat and generally well-mannered individual. “They always say that it’s the quiet ones, but I never would have suspected Harry,” said Matt Williams, a freshman. “To imagine such a deathly odor could emanate from him is shocking.” Other students don’t see Sanders the same way. “There was always something off about him. He couldn’t sit still; he’d shift in his chair all period. And his eyes have this weird, vacant look to them, I’m not surprised his farts smelled like an old corpse,” accused classmate Jen Akerson. Sanders has apologized for his actions and said he just wants the controversy to end. “I dropped the class, and I hope that this reputation doesn’t follow me into the future. I’m just like everyone else ... I’m not a monster.” Dan Mirabelli wrote this

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The Bar Grid Page 2 of 3 SPECIAL NIGHT

Through February! $11 64oz Fishbowls $6 32oz Personal Pitchers $2 Fireball Shots

Sunday Night's Show PAPER DIAMOND with LOUDPVCK and BRANCHEZ

WEDNESDAY 2/26: FRATTLE OF THE DJ'S - Week 1 DJ's Compete to the Finals! $2 Bud Light Bottles $2 Two Gingers Irish Whiskey

SATURDAY! DJ Belly & Tim Williams vs. Ideal DJs Kow & Wesjile 10pm, FREE before 11pm!

THURSDAY! Bar Olympics Day 3: SHOOT THE PUCK - Win an XBOX ONE! $2 WELLS, $5 WRAPS 4pm10pm, HALF PRICE WHISKEY!

Wednesday 2/19

Wing Night! $0.25 Wings $1.50 High Life, $2 Flavored LITs, $2 Jager Bombs

GLOW & FLOW Wednesdays EDM and Dance Music spun by your favorite campus DJs! Come dressed to glow!

$2 Long Islands $2 Hot Stuff Shots $2 Wells

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

USA HOCKEY vs Czech Repub - Open at 10am! Bar Olympics Day 2 Barstool Basketball WIN BULLS TICKETS!

Thursday 2/20

$1 Wells, $2 UV Vodka Drinks $2 Fireball, $2 PBR 16oz Tall Boys, $3 Long Islands, $5 Domestic Pitchers

Paradigm Shift presents THE COLLECTIVE featuring T.R.U.T.H. with O.G., JOSI and more! Live hip hop!

FIREBOMB NIGHT! $1 FIREBALL, $3 Vegas Bombs, $3 Jager Bombs $4 Ice Bomb 24oz Drink plus $1 Hot Stuff

Closed for a Private Party Book Your Next Event Here! Email us for more info info@cowboy-monkey.com

Bar Olympics Day 3: SHOOT THE PUCK - Win an XBOX ONE! $2 WELLS, $5 WRAPS 4pm10pm, HALF PRICE WHISKEY!

Friday 2/21

$2 Jager Bombs & $2 Wells, $2.50 Miller Lt/Coors Lt, $3 Three Olives Mixers, $3 3O Premium LITs, $3 Hot Shots, $7 Domestic Pitchers, $1 Cherry Bombs & O Bombs

AMSA RELAY FOR LIFE DATE AUCTION (Early Show!) FUSE by HEARTLAND dance party (Late Show!)

Fridays are the SHIrT! Happy Hour Food Specials 5pm-9pm, Get a Different Cly's Shirt Every Week!, $3 Monster Mash Ups, $3 Captain Morgan, $3 Jager Bombs, $3 Bud Light Tallboys

Hard Kiss, $5, 10pm w/ The Keylocks

USA HOCKEY in the A.M. Watch the Game Here! Bar Olympics Day 4 Beer Garden Bowling! Win Cubs Tickets!

Saturday 2/22

$2 Jager Bombs & $2 Wells, $2.50 Miller Lt/Coors Lt, $3 Bacardi Mixers, $3 Hot Shots, $7 Pitchers $1 Cherry Bombs & O Bombs

MIDNIGHT CONSPIRACY Rays of Ra Laser Fest Live! with AUTOGRAF, DISFLOW, RAMI MOON and AMPLIFI

$3 Jim Beam $3 Three Olives Vodka $3 Cuervo Shots $3 Rum Chata Shots $3 Bud Light Bottles

DJ Belly & Tim Williams vs. Ideal DJs Kow & Wesjile 10pm, FREE before 11pm!

Bar Olympics Day 5: Winter Biathlon - WIN HAWKS vs PENGUINS Tickets at Soldier Field! $3 Jameson, $3 Rumplemintze

Sunday 2/23

Closed...But... Through February! $11 64oz Fishbowls $6 32oz Personal Pitchers $2 Fireball Shots

PAPER DIAMOND with LOUDPVCK and BRANCHEZ

Book your Next Party at Clybourne! Contact us at CochraneParty@gmail.com or call 217-722-9000

Big Dave's Trivia Night FREE, 7:30PM! $1 Miller High Life Drafts, $2 Miller Lite Drafts, $2 Jameson Shots $5 Red Bull Vodkas, $5 Nacho

GOLD MEDAL GAME! USA vs TBA? OPEN AT 6AM! Free Pancakes 6-7am $2 ANYTHING SUNDAYS $4 Bloody Mary's

Monday 2/24

Mason Jar Monday! $2 Double Wells, $2 Buweiser & Bud Light Drafts, $5 Budweiser & Bud Light Pitchers

MONDAY NIGHT HOUSE PARTY! $1 Drink Specials! $2 Manolos Pizza specials! Live local bands each week!

$1 U CALL ITS $2 Voli Premium Vodka

Book Your Next Event Here! Email us for more info info@cowboy-monkey.com

Pop Culture Trivia Night Starts at 7:30pm Win Weekly Prizes! $1 Bud Light Drafts HALF PRICE APPETIZERS $3 Any Craft Beer

Tuesday 2/25

$2 Wells, $2 Domestic Drafts $2 Craft Drafts* *Not all Beers included $2 Shot of the Week

$2 Real Long Islands! CAMPUS COMEDY SHOWCASE: Early! Live comedy from some of CU's funniest! THE PIANO MAN: Late! Playing all your favorites!

$8 Bottles of Wine $8 Bottles of Champagne $2 Bud Light Bottles $2 Wells

Open Mic Night - Free! Sign-Up Starts at 9:30pm $1 Off All Drafts $3 Jameson Shots

FAT TUESDAYS! Everyone Gets Beads! $2.99 Cheeseburger 4-10pm, $2 WELLS, Half Price Sharkbowls! $2 Soco Shots, $3 Soco Hurricanes

Wednesday 2/26

Wing Night! $0.25 Wings $1.50 High Life, $2 Flavored LITs $2 Jager Bombs

RED with GEMINI SYNDROME and EMPHATIC (Early Show!) GLOW & FLOW (Late Show) EDM and Dance Music spun by your favorite campus DJs! Come dressed to glow!

FRATTLE OF THE DJ'S Week 1 - DJ's Compete to the Finals! $2 Bud Light Bottles $2 Two Gingers Irish Whiskey

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

Bud Mug Night! You Keep the 25oz Glass Mug Special! Last Chance to Get the Mug! $1 SHOTS, $3.99 Buffalo Chicken 4-10pm, $2 Sailor Jerry

THROWBACK THURSDAY DANCE PARTY! #ClubGeos #TBTDanceParty

$4 High Life Pitchers, $2 U Call it, $2 Soco Lime

UNDERGROUND PRESENTS TBT “CLUB GEO’S”

KAM'S

The Bar Grid Page 2 of 3 DOWNTOWN

WEDNESDAYS: $2 Redd's $3 Redd Devils $2 Fireball

FRI/SAT: $10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

Sunday Funday! $2 U CALL IT (Domestic, Craft & Import Bottles, Domestic & Craft Drafts, Well Drinks & Shots), $5 Pitchers

$2.50 Red Stripe, $3 Jack Daniels, $3 Bacardi Redbull

Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!

$2 Redd's $3 Redd Devils $2 Fireball

GREEK NIGHT! Wear Your Letters, Get a Small Pizza for $1! Half Off Drafts! (Except Miller High Life) $1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells, $2 Imports

Platinum Wednesdays! $2 Platinum, Crown & Shock Top Bottles, $1.50 Bud & Bud Lt Bottles, $3 3 Olives Vodka Drinks, $4 Blue Guys, $2 Cuervo Shots, $2 Rumchata Shots, $3 Cereal Shots, Bud Shoot to Win Contest!

$3 Drafts, $4 White Russians, $4 RumChata Colada

Risque Thursday! $3 Imports, $5 Long Islands, $5 Sex on the Beach

$2 Bud Light (Drafts) $2 Captain $2 Jager Bombs

$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors

KLUB KAM’S THURSDAYS! $2 UV Drinks, $3 Blue Guys $2 Hot Stuff Shots, $3 Captain Morgan, $5 KamsIslands, $2 Lite/Coors Lt Bottles & Drafts $6 Pitchers, DJ DJ Spydey

$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy, $5 Jagerbombs

DJ Delayney at 10pm, $4 Double Wells, Free Before 10:30 w/ Student ID

$6 Shandy Pitchers (Orange, Lemon Berry, Summer) $3 Jim Beam, $3 Pinnacle

Saturday 2/22

Catch all the games here!

De Noche! Free Salsa Dance Class at 9pm, Dancing til 2am! $6 Beer + Shot Combo, $3 Select Beers, $3 Rum + Cola

$6 Lunchbox Pitchers $3 Bacardi $3 American Harvest

$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

$2 22oz Bud/Bud Lt./Rolling Rock Drafts, $4 UV Blue Guys, $3 Wells, $2 Jager Shots & Bombs, Critical Condition/3eceed Spinning at 10pm, Hawks Legends Lounge Giveaway!

Sunday 2/23

$5 Nachos, $6 Wings, $4 Bloody Marys, $5 Pitchers of Miller and Bud Light, $3 Vodka Redbull

The Apache Relay w/ The Lonely Wild 7:30pm, $10

$11 Build Your Own Bucket (BYOB) $2 Jager Bombs $2 Don Q and Blackbeard

$2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells, $5 Personal Pizzas with 2 Toppings $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

Sunday Funday! $2 U CALL IT (Domestic, Craft & Import Bottles, Domestic & Craft Drafts, Well Drinks & Shots), $5 Pitchers

Monday 2/24

$2 Bud Light and Miller Lite Drafts, $3 Jameson, 1/2 off Apps after 8pm

Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gamil.com

MNJ! $2 Bud Platinum Bottles $2 Smirnoff Drinks/Shots $3 RBV with Smirnoff

$1.50 High Life Drafts! $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

$2 U CALL IT (Domestic, Craft & Import Bottles, Domestic & Craft Drafts, Well Drinks & Shots) $5 Pitchers

$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells

Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gamil.com

Tequila Tuesday and 8th Grade Dance! $2 Blue Moon $2 Cuervo featuring Cinge

1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)

$1 Coors, Coors Lt. Bottles & Drafts, $1.50 Bourbons $3 Blue Guys, $2 Fireball & Doctor Shots, $3 Redds & Fireball or Rootbeer Beers

$2 Redd's $3 Redd Devils $2 Fireball

GREEK NIGHT! Wear Your Letters, Get a Small Pizza for $1! Half Off Drafts! (Except Miller High Life) $1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells, $2 Imports

EVERY DAY! $4 Fireball Shots $4 StrawBerRitas

SUNDAY! The Apache Relay w/ The Lonely Wild 7:30pm, $10

Wednesday 2/19 Thursday 2/20

SPECIAL NIGHT

Friday 2/21

Tuesday 2/25 Wednesday 2/26

$2.50 Red Stripe, $3 Jack Daniels, $3 Bacardi Redbull

Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!

$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

Throwback Happy Hour! 80’s & 90’s Jams (3-10pm) DJ Delicato Spinning at 10pm!

$1.75 16oz Lite Cans & Coors Banquet Bottles, $6 Pitchers & Lunch Boxes, $3 Pinnacle Blue Guys, Jim Beam & Red Stag, Cinnabon & Chata Shots

Country Night!

Party w/ the Fireball Girls!

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The Bar Grid Page 3 of 3 Underground Presents TBT "Club Geo's" Throwback Thursday Dance Party! $4 High Life Pitchers, $2 U Call it, $2 Soco Lime

WEDNESDAY! $0.50 Jumbo Wings, $1 Tenders, $7.50 Rum & Cola Pitchers, $7.50 Miller & Coors Pitchers, $2 Fireball and Doctor Karaoke Night w/ DJ Outlaw!

SPECIAL NIGHT

Thirsty Thursday! $2 All Domestic Beers, $2 All Well Drinks

Trivia Every Sunday @ 10 Bar Bingo Every Monday @ 10

THURSDAY! SHACKER NIGHT! $5 SHACKERS with Monster Energy, $2 UV Vodka $2 Hot Stuff Shots $3 Bud Light Bottles

$2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles

Logo Mug Night! Fat Tire $2.50 Sailor Jerry Singles $5 Pinnacle and 2 Ginger Irish Whiskey Doubles, $2.50 Orchata and Fireball, $6 PBR and Hamm's Pitchers, $4 Jager Bombs

USA HOCKEY vs Czech Repub. Open at 10am! $3 Natty Pitchers $4 Jim Beam Buckets $4 Pinnacle Vodka Buckets

$4 High Life Pitchers $2 U Call It $3 Jager and Vegas Bombs $4 Car Bombs

$0.50 Jumbo Wings, $1 Tenders, $7.50 Rum & Cola Pitchers, $7.50 Miller & Coors Pitchers, $2 Fireball and Doctor Karaoke Night w/ DJ Outlaw!

Wednesday 2/19

Thirsty Thursday! $2 All Domestic Beers, $2 All Well Drinks

$2.50 Blue Moon, Green Line, Rebel IPA, 312, Lagunitas Pints, $2.50 Red Stripe, Corona, Left Hand Stout, Heineken, Smirnoff Ice Bottles, $2.50 Bacardi and Malibu Singles, $5 Jameson Doubles, $4 Murphy's Pub Bomb

SHACKER NIGHT! $5 SHACKERS with Monster Energy, $2 UV Vodka $2 Hot Stuff Shots $3 Bud Light Bottles

Burger Night! $1 Burgers 8pm - Midnight $4 High Life Pitchers, $2 U Call it, $2 Soco Lime

1/2 off Sandwiches after 4pm Das Boot! $3 Boot, $5 Fill All Drafts (except Guinness) $3 Jim, Jack and Soco, $2 Horse-Chata

Thursday 2/20

BIG FRIDAY! No Cover Charge

$3 Sam Adams Family Pints $2.50 Wild Turkey Singles $5 Skyy Doubles, $2.50 Jose Cuervo and Blackbeard Shots, $4 Jager Bombs

USA HOCKEY! Open 1hr before Gametime! USA vs CANADA? Time TBA $1 Fratty Natty Bottles

$4 High Life Pitchers, $2 U Call it

1/2 off German Sausage Meals after 4pm $2.50 Coronas $3.50 Bacardi Flavors

Friday 2/21

SOLO CUP SATURDAY! No Cover Charge

$2.50 Jameson Singles $5 Bacardi and Malibu Doubles $2.50 Jose Cuervo Shots $4 Jager Bombs

Lion will open for the GOLD MEDAL GAME USA vs TBA? Open at 6am! Cracked Food Truck Don't Miss History! 'Merica!

$2 U Call It $4 Pitchers

1/2 Price Appetizers 3pm-9pm $3 3 Olives, Crown, and Captain Morgans, $3 You-Call-It Wells and Drafts

Saturday 2/22

Sunday Funday! $3 All Drafts

Trivia Starts @ 10pm! $2.50 Blue Moon, Green Line, Rebel IPA, 312, Lagunitas Pints $2.50 Red Stripe, Corona, Left Hand Stout, Heineken, Smirnoff Ice Bottles, $2.50 Orchata and Dr McGillicuddy, $6 PBR and Hamm's Pitchers, $4 Murphy's Pub Bomb

Book your next party at Red Lion! Contact us at CochraneParty@gmail.com or call 217-722-9000

Closed Eat some chicken strips at Papa D's!

11am - 3pm: Rehab Breakfast $3 Bloody Mary's, $1 Domestics & Wells

Sunday 2/23

"Beer Lovers Night" $2 All Domestics $3.50 All Imports

Bar Bingo Starts @ 10pm $3 Blue Moon and Angry Orchard Pints, $2.50 Pinnacle and 2 Ginger Irish Whiskey Singles, $5 Sailor Jerry Doubles, $2.50 Jose Cuervo Shots

Monday Night Lion! $1 WELLS, $2 ILLINI LONG ISLANDS, $2 SAILOR JERRY $3 MEV’S – MONSTER VODKA’S

$3 High Life Pitchers $1 U Call It $0.50 Pizza Slices (8pm - 12am)

1/2 Off Burgers! $1 Wells, Domestic Drafts and Shots

Monday 2/24

$2.50 Domestic Drafts $3.50 All Other Drafts

$4 Guinness, Smithwicks and Triptych Pints, $2.50 Blackbeard Rum and Jim Beam Singles, $2.50 Fireball and Orchata, $2 Old Style, PBR, Schlitz, Miller Lite Tall Boys

$2 Long Islands $2 Bud Family Bottles $2 Hot Stuff Shots

$4 High Life Pitchers $1 U Call It $1 Chicken Strips (8pm -12am)

$1 Tacos All Day $4 Bacardi Buckets! Start Your Bucket List Today! $2 Drafts

Tuesday 2/25

$2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles

Logo Mug Night! Shock Top $2.50 Sailor Jerry Singles $5 Pinnacle and 2 Ginger Irish Whiskey Doubles, $2.50 Orchata and Fireball, $6 PBR and Hamm's Pitchers, $4 Jager Bombs

BUCKET NIGHT! $3 Natty Light Pitchers, $4 Jim Beam Buckets, $4 Pinnacle Vodka Buckets, $4 Cruzan Rum Buckets, $2 Rum Chata Shots

$4 High Life Pitchers $2 U Call It $3 Jager and Vegas Bombs $4 Car Bombs

$0.50 Jumbo Wings, $1 Tenders, $7.50 Rum & Cola Pitchers, $7.50 Miller & Coors Pitchers, $2 Fireball and Doctor Karaoke Night w/ DJ Outlaw!

Wednesday 2/26

AROUND CAMPUS SEND US YOUR PARTY PICS TO PICS@THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

ON THE STREETS WHAT’S THE WORST THING YOU’VE EVER BEEN WOKEN UP BY? nior Jessica, Ju

“Woke up in a shower with all my clothes on.”

r Mike, Senio

“In the student union of Tulane University after being drunk after a rugby game.”

ior Janine, Sen

“A firework war in my house a few years back.”

BARTENDERS of the WEEK Relationship Status: Call me Tinderella ;) Major: Elementary education Favorite Drink: Adios muthafuckaaa Favorite Shot: Fireball Disgusting Drink: Cement mixer Who was the best bar patron you’ve ever had and why?: These old men who were foreign and visiting U of I. They gave me 100 bucks because I looked stressed out. I’ll take it. What drink best encapsulates your dancing style?: Alabama slammer Where’s the best place to hide in this bar?: The DJ booth If you had to compete in one thing to save the earth, what would that thing be?: Giving out blowjob … shots. What euphemism for sex is your favorite and why?: “Porked.” Just say it out loud. You’re welcome. Say, do you know where I can score some Percocet?: Julio. He’s in the kitchen if you want me to grab him. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Now you all have a picture of me to hang on your ceiling.

RACHEL of

Joe's Brewery

DRINKING GAME Bar Hop Hide-n-Seek

ELLEN of

White Horse Inn

Relationship Status: Extremely taken Major: Historical studies Favorite Drink: Beer piss Favorite Shot: Cake fart Disgusting Drink: Cement mixer Who was the best bar patron you’ve ever had?: Indiana Jones, 'nuff said. What drink best encapsulates your dancing style?: Hurricane Where’s the best place to hide in this bar?: The cupboard under the stairs, 4 Privet Dr., Little Whinging, Surrey. If you had to compete in one thing to save the earth, what would that thing be?: Taco eating contest What euphemism for sex is your favorite?: “Make whoopee.” What’s something you believe in that other people think you’re crazy for believing?: That I’m normal… Say, do you know where I can score some Percocet?: My cupboard Why should people read The Black Sheep?: What else are you gunna read when you’re desolate?

RECIPE for DISASTER Stupid Salad

Yeah, drinking in a bar can be fun, but doesn’t it get a little boring after a while? That’s why you need to bar hop across campus. And not only that, but bar hop in style as well. Here’s a game that will keep you interested… and drunk!

You need some brain power before your big exam? You don’t know what kind of food will give you more of that power? Neither do we! We’re not scientists. Going green is probably your safest bet, so get off the couch and light up the grill! You’ve got a stupid salad to make, stupid.

What You’ll Need: A group of friends, $10-15 per person and enough energy to bar hop for a few hours. Number of Players: Preferably at least seven people – one person to hide and six others to split into groups of two or three. Level of Intoxication: Depends on how good of a guesser you are!

What You’ll Need: One package of lettuce (it will look just like a bag of green leaves), one handful of croutons, ¼ pound of grilled chicken (don’t grab a real chicken, they will bite) and a bottle of thousand island dressing. Make sure you only buy one, not a thousand. Stupid. Cook Time: You’ve got nothing but time. Fatty Factor: Lettuce has negative calories.

How to Play: - Meet your friends at your favorite bar on campus. Find a place to sit and order a drink. - Have everyone take out $10-15 and throw it in the middle of the table. - Chug your drinks. First one to finish grabs the money in the pot and heads out to a different bar. - The losers must stay behind and order at least one more drink. - The person with the money hides at another bar on campus, drinking with the money given to him or her. Don’t be a dick, though. Don’t buy rounds for the whole bar. - After waiting 20 minutes and finishing their drinks, the losers must split up into two teams to go out to find the hidden friend. - Every time a team enters a bar to find the person with the pot money, they must order at least one drink while searching there. -The teams continue to search for the missing friend, going from bar to bar on campus. - The person with the pot money is not allowed to leave their bar once they have gone inside.

Let’s Get Baked: - Put the lettuce in the bowl. What are you, stupid? - Warm up a skillet to, like, 7 or 8 or medium-high on your stove or whatever. - Put the slab of chicken on the grill and cook until there’s no more pink on the meat or else you’ll get salmonella (salmonella = puke-ma-nella). - OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THE KNIFE! - Safely use your knife to cut up your grilled chicken and mix it in the bowl with your lettuce and croutons - Pour some thousand island dressing on it, and you’ve got yourself a stew! (You’ll actually have a salad. Stupid.)

The Game Ends When: A team finds the hidden friend and continues to drink away the remaining money in the pot with him or her.

DOWNLOAD OUR FREE APP FOR ALL THE GAMES!

A normal salad might not be filling on its own, but with the added ingredient of grilled chicken, you should find yourself well on your way to a stuffed evening. If this doesn’t help you pass your test, then we don’t know what will! Maybe studying or going to class might help ... stupid.

NOMNOMNOMNOM THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

PAGE 17

BOOZE REVIEW EL JIMADOR BLANCO

Unless it’s made with straight rubbing alcohol, there’s really no such thing as a bad bottle of tequila. We’ve tried our share of cheaper tequila brands and haven’t had a bad experience yet (which leads us to believe that the people out there who supposedly “hate tequila” are just a bunch of wimps). El Jimador is no exception. It’s not as pricey as Jose or Avion, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t delicious or won’t make you a solid margarita. El Jimador is a great option for any college student who wants to rock it out at karaoke night with only a minor headache the next morning. Smells Like: Any other tequila, to be honest. Tastes Like: A good time.

GRADE: B WRITTEN BY: KITTY KAT

Typical Drinkers: Guys in average fraternity houses on campus, girls who have “ladies nights” every night because they’re only a solid 5s, people who prefer Subway over Jimmy John’s, and students who are majoring in communication because they couldn’t get into marketing or business.

User Comments: “I don’t know, I probably shouldn’t get too crazy tonight. I have class at 9 a.m.” “Nah, I don’t like pepperoni. I’ll just take a slice of cheese pizza please.” “I think golden retrievers are really unique dogs.” An Apt Acrostic Poem: Just one drink I’m okay, really Maybe one more I guess ANOTHER ANOTHER ANOTHER DON’T LEAVE WITHOUT ME, I’M COMING TOO OH MY GOD I LOVE THIS BAR Ready to go? I’m tired You’ll Like This if You Like: A chill night at home that turns into an average night out. Food Pairing Suggestion: Mediocre chips and salsa from a Mexican restaurant chain and a plate of crunchy rice and runny refried beans. We Drank it With: Jose Cuervo lime margarita mix.

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PAGE 18

When Canning Goes Horribly, Horribly Wrong HEAVY METAL KRIST WROTE THIS Seth Dunlop, a sophomore in general studies, is one of the many students who can be found on the Quad enthusiastically supporting his cause through the long-standing art form known as “canning.” As a newly appointed philanthropy chairperson of his service organization, Dunlop is the driving force behind the success of its charitable efforts. “I love helping others, and raising money to support noble causes is one of the best ways I can do that,” Dunlop said as he sought donations from students on the Quad. Dunlop stepped aside for a moment to capture the attention of a couple students walking by. “SUPPORT DOMESTIC VIOLENCE!” he yelled, echoing the text wrapped around his donation can. Alas, his efforts were in vain, as the students walked by with disgusted looks on their faces. “Damn,” Dunlop muttered. “I don’t let failure faze me or bring me down. If I did, I’d never raise money. Knowing there are good people out there who support noble causes is what keeps me

going.” More students passed by. “DONATE MONEY TO SUPPORT DOMESTIC VIOLENCE!” Dunlop bellowed, shaking his can of change to create further attention. Each time though, he was met with refusals to donate. Some students, angered by his antics, began yelling back. “Are you freaking kidding me with this?!” “You’re sick.” One female student had to be restrained from accosting Dunlop. “Why is this being met with such hostility?” Dunlop wondered out loud. “I’m just trying to raise money for a good cause and support domestic violence!” Despite the adversity facing him, Dunlop soldiered on in his search for donations. His pleas to “SUPPORT DOMESTIC VIOLENCE!” would soon be heard by generous benefactors all around Champaign. A man who went only by the name of Bodean inquisitively approached Dunlop. “So you’re telling me that you’re raising money to support domestic violence?” Bodean stroked his

handlebar mustache in thought. “You know, I’ve always believed in not just equal rights, but equal lefts as well,” Bodean told Dunlop. Bodean scrounged around in his pockets and donated a couple pennies, a paperclip, and a tooth. “I’ll tell the guys at the ol’ watering hole that you’re here. You’ll make a fortune!” Dunlop was excited, and for good reason. Soon, several rusted trucks and riding lawnmowers descended upon the Quad. An abundance of men in cutoff shirts, jorts and Confederate flag bandanas lined up to donate what they could. “I have to budget my money carefully between $2 Busch Light tallboys and toilet bowl cleaner for my meth lab, so I can’t be throwing away all my hard-earned welfare willy-nilly,” commented one unnamed mullet aficionado. Many of the men donated money with impressive largesse. “A man should never have to repeat himself,” said one donor. Another donor said, “I always pledge

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support to domestic causes. Automobiles, beer, violence— domestic is my preference!” After the last of the donations was collected, Dunlop deposited the funds into the organization’s bank account and began researching “organizations that support domestic violence” on the internet. He found a group based in Philo, just outside Champaign, called Domestic Violence Defenders (DVD) and invited a representative to come to the service group’s next meeting to present him with a donation check. At the next meeting, Dunlop introduced DVD representative Buerl Evans and presented him with a check for $12.37, which he promptly used to procure Skoal chewing tobacco and Steel Reserve 211. Although Dunlop was proud of his first charitable accomplishment as philanthropy chair, the rest of the service group members were aghast. The service group members voted unanimously to impeach Dunlop from his position and revoke his

membership on the grounds that he was “raising money to support actual domestic violence, not for victims, you dumb shit.” D espite his mishap and excommunication from the service organization, Dunlop’s perseverance and dedication to helping others hasn't wavered, as he continues to hit the Quad to raise money for causes he feels strongly about. “I made mistakes,” admitted Dunlop. “But you know what? I learned from

those mistakes and am using those lessons to become a better person. I refuse to quit doing what I love because of one unfortunate incident. It’s why I’m back on the Quad right now, trying to support another cause that deserves students’ attention, time and money.” Dunlop saw a group of students and turned in their direction, shaking his can of change. He yelled robustly, “HELP RAISE MONEY FOR DOG FIGHTING!”

CONTINUED FROM THE COVER “Personally, I find all of these different sandwiches absolutely disgusting. They’re not even worth the crumbs on their backs,” declared the unsurprisingly bitchy sandwich. “I mean, when I was made, being a sandwich meant having traditional condiments between two slices of bread, not some immorally disgusting spread that goes on the likes of burritos. Just yesterday, my youngest Uncrustable came home and asked me why he wasn’t made with Chili-Cheese Fritos inside of him. These ‘alternative condiments’ are literally poisoning the minds of our children! If light guac becomes an acceptable choice of sauce, then we’ll have to explain to our kids why there’s something green dripping out of other sandwiches that isn’t lettuce … and frankly, that terrifies me.” The debate of upholding the sanctity of the traditional sandwich has come under fire as of late as well, however, with conservative-minded sandwiches losing persuasive ground as the landscape of the deli aisle changes with every passing day. While many like-minded traditionalists argue that the original image of what a sandwich should be is non-negotiable, others assert that upholding outdated, 18th century values is nothing short of ridiculous. “I think it’s pretty hysterical that these rye-winged nutjobs can seriously still believe that what some dude said in the 1700s still defines what a sandwich can and cannot be,” said a progressive veggie sandwich who was ordered alongside a Philly cheesesteak with melted cheddar cheese instead of the usual mozzarella/provolone. “Like, why should one guy’s beliefs dictate whether or not we should accept certain sandwiches who deviate from his apparently ‘divine’ vision? I’m sorry, but did I choose to be made without meat? No. But does that mean my buddy and I aren’t sandwiches? If you cut us, do we not slice? Anybody actually thinking that sandwiches like us are ‘ruining the sanctity’ of sandwiches needs to get its tomatoes tucked in and get with the times.” The LG-BLT community has also pointed naysayers into the direction of the long, ever-developing history of the sandwich as well. While vegetarian sandwiches were once completely unable to be made, sandwiches eventually became toasty to the idea of two slices of bread with no meat in between. Similarly, there were times when wheat breads were initially given fewer opportunities to be used in the sandwich making process than white breads. Nowadays, sandwiches rarely ever bat an unaccepting eye when sharing the tray with multi-grains. Leading members of the movement are not asking for any special privileges or meal deals, nor are they asking for those oppressed sandwiches to be avenged in cold ketchup—they simply want the same rights as any other one of their sliced bread brothers, to be made without discriminatory regulations such as seasonal-only promotions or the faint, under-the-breath sighs of employees who realize they’ll have to make a brand new batch of guacamole after that order. Acceptance is all they ask for. “The other day, I saw a customer ask for a couple jalapeños to top his ham-and-cheese flatbread sandwich,” remembered an aging LG-BLT. “Instead of glancing at the empty tin container and claiming that they were fresh out of them for the night, the sandwich artist went into the back of the store and returned with a whole new jar of peppers. He was at least giving that sandwich a chance. It goes to show that there really are people in this world willing to change things for the better, despite all those who choose to turn the other slice in ignorance. We really are making progress, and the very thought of that makes my ends get all guaced up. It’s beautiful.

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Big Gigantic is a movement, melding hip-hop and jazz together to get audiences moving. Oh, and they’re probably coming to a city near you as they embark on a nationwide tour. We spoke with Jeremy Salken, one half of the Boulder, Colorado duo. The Black Sheep: Early on when you guys were still trying to get your name out there, were promoters apprehensive to book a hip-hop/jazz live electronic act? Jeremy Salken: It was definitely a challenge in the beginning. Both of us had been in groups before so we had a lot of experience looking for promoters, digging through JamBase, looking for venues, and trying to find contacts. We were super lucky that early on we kind of both said to each other that we want to do this right. We didn’t want to pick just any show, we wanted to make sure we’re making the most of any gig we do and that we’re getting in front of the audience that we needed. Kind of along with that, we were lucky to team up with Sound Tribe in the beginning of our career and that got us in front of a crowd that had similar music taste, so we weren’t just in front of random people staring at us like, “What the hell are you doing?” TBS: How has the demographic of your crowds changed since Big Gigantic started touring? JS: Oh man, it’s interesting; it actually got a lot younger. In the beginning the focus was on a lot of over-21 shows. All our shows went from twelve to two or one to three in the morning, we’d play these super late shows. That was the thing, especially opening for Sound Tribe and then doing late nights for them, we’d be playing to these older kids. Then we noticed as EDM got a lot more popular that the age dropped and all the sudden there were freshmen and sophomores in college coming out, then there were high schoolers. As it got younger we started playing earlier to accommodate doing 18+ shows. So, there were things like that, that were sort of techniques we were using to get everyone we could involved, because ultimately we just want to play for everybody that we possibly can. There’s no reason to cut anybody out. It’s been cool to see the younger fanbase come into the genre, ‘cause they’re all really positive. Our shows are some of the first concerts they’ve ever been to, and I think you get a different bond with the band because of that. It’s nothing but love and you guys just wanna have a good time. TBS: Totally. How have you guys evolved your writing process and kept your sound fresh over the years? JS: Dom handles the writing, and while it’s evolved a little bit, it’s always pretty much been the same. He’s really into checking out as many different styles of music as possible, and that’s what we both did on our instruments growing up. We would want to learn a style, or if you were in a group you’d try to play that and mimic it. He’s taken that concept into producing and he’ll hear a tone that Skrillex or Bassnectar or Dylan does, you know anybody really. He’ll be like, “Okay cool. I want to see if I can take that and put my own spin on it and make it my own.” The way he writes, because he’s so knowledgeable with music since he went to school for that is probably a little different than most producers. He has a really heavy knowledge of chords, structure, modes and all those things that evoke different emotions which really helps him write more intricate, emotional songs. Not that one approach is better than the other; we’re just trying to do something new with it. TBS: That’s really the whole point of it, right? Creating something unique to you. JS: Yeah, exactly. The songs evolve and that’s got us psyched about the new album. It’s another evolution of Big G.

TBS: Talking about the next evolution, for your new album The Night is Young did you guys go in with a theme or concept behind it? JS: Not really. It started pretty organically with Dom trying to make these tracks about what he’s feeling at that time, trying to stay true to the Big G sound but also push it forward at the same time. I mean, we’ve been working on it for the last year and a half. He’s really been working on these tracks, we’ve been playing them live for a little bit and tweaking them based on crowd reactions. We’re constantly in the process of evolving the tune and finally we reached a spot where we’re like, “this is good, let’s put it out.” TBS: Big Gigantic’s been around for a while now, it’s essentially a staple in the live electronic scene. How did it feel when you realized that this was something you were going to be able to do as a career? JS: It’s still crazy to me that we’re able to do what we do. When we first went into it, we had both been in bands before and had done pretty much every kind of gig you could do from weddings to jazz clubs, I’ve even played a gig at Target before. When I was doing that I’d make $50 here and there, if I made $100 I was psyched. My reality then was that if I wanted to play music I was going to have to find a job to supplement my income. We were really fortunate that with Big G after about a two year span we realized that this is not only a full time job but a realistic way to support ourselves. Obviously, you have to keep touring to do that. TBS: That’s something I’ve noticed. You guys do some serious touring. On your current tour you’ve got maybe four days off throughout the whole thing.

JS: Yeah, it’s kind of crazy. We’re literally doing like 20-something shows in 25 days, but it’s gonna be really fun. We’re hitting some really good markets, everybody’s psyched and the dates are selling really well. We’re only going for about three and a half weeks so we wanted to make it as action packed as we could and little digs just kept popping up, we have a run of like nine shows back to back. It’s gonna be a good one for sure. TBS: How planned out are your sets since you have the live instruments, sax and drums, to work with? JS: There’s sort of a general outline of that Dom has in his Ableton set, but the way he has Ableton set up he can bounce around between pretty much all of our tracks. So, there isn’t really setlist that a band might have, but there’s an outline that he can adjust depending on what the crowd is into. TBS: On the album’s title track, you guys collaborated with Cherub. How’d that come about? JS: Well those guys have been homies for a while and Dom has worked on tracks of theirs before and we’ve always talked about doing a track with them. This new album just seemed like a perfect time to do something, so we hit those guys up and were really lucky to get them on. I think that track is something people are gonna love. It’s something a little different, we never really do stuff with vocals. TBS: Any news acts coming up that you’re really excited about? JS: Man, there’s so much stuff out there. Cashmere Cat is super dope. Really into Flume, he’s great and definitely pushing boundaries. The guys opening up for us on the tour, Manic Focus and Gladiator, they’re doing some really cool shit. There’s just a lot of good music out there right now.

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