Illinois - Issue 6 - 9/25/2013 by The Black Sheep

The Black Sheep

fre Is it e...lik FOR e th , W e ricin ALT ? W for HO IS I ...WHO T FOR ?

  Brought to you by  

The Booze News

Vol. 23, Issue 6

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

9/25/13 - 10/3/13

Allen Hall Resident Just

Won't Shut Up

About Pygmalion BY:Jupiter Stevens University of Illinois student and self-proclaimed “hipster” Tim Jennings is really, really excited for Pygmalion Music Festival, according to his posts on Twitter earlier this week. Friends reported that Jennings had been tweeting and telling people at lunch about the Festival for weeks, promising his friends that he could get them to a really sick spot in the front row if they followed his lead through the crowd. “I know all these tricks from going to shows since I was in high school,” Jennings was heard saying in between bites of his organic green beans. “Just follow me, and we'll get a sweet spot in front of the stage.” Craig Wilson, a friend of Jennings, said the Allen Hall resident prides himself on his Instagram account where he uploads pictures of every show he goes to. “Jesus, you can't go through one Throwback Thursday without seeing some stupid blurry picture of him at some dumb concert,” Wilson said. “It's like, we get it, you listen to music sometimes.” Jennings' Instagram consists of 847 photos of large crowds with a tiny figure in the background that is supposedly a man playing guitar, as Jennings identifies through the photo's caption. It was reported that Jennings went out to record stores earlier this week, buying vinyl records of this year's Pygmalion performers. Jennings then snuck the records back into his third floor dorm room to set them up near his record player in order to show people visiting his room that he is a “huge fan” of all the bands playing this year. “I mean, I saw him walking in with them,” David Rizzo, Jennings' roommate, said. “He just denies it, saying he’s had them forever, and keeps telling me that he has listened to each band since their first album. What a pretentious asshole.” Jennings was even seen looking up bands on Google and reading Wikipedia pages in order to be able to talk about them with friends. The freshman is now able to explain the histories of each band, which of their albums is the best, and obnoxiously corrects friends when they're wrong about information that has to do with the band. “One time I said I liked that band Head and the Heart and he stopped me and said 'You mean, The Head and the Heart?'” one friend remembered with an angry tone. “I wanted to punch him in the face. People like that make music suck.” Jeremy Loren, an old friend of Jennings' from high school, remembers Jennings never showing interest in music, claiming that he only started talking about bands once he went off to college. “I remember one time

I had to explain to him who blink 182 was,” Loren said. “Now he's correcting me when I capitalize the 'B' in their band name. Who does that?” Jennings said he finds his music from all sorts of places: Blogs, Starbucks soundtracks, Pitchfork.com, and he said he even found a couple bands shopping in the vinyl record section of Urban Outfitters on Green Street. The 18-year-old is often seen in the clothing store purchasing the latest sweaters and highly priced flannel shirts. “I buy a lot of ironic sweaters,” Jennings said. “It's just this really funny joke that I started a few years ago. It's hilarious. I mean, cats and Christmas trees and stuff, right?” continued on page 19

page 5

page 9

Tissue Sales Soar Due to No-Show Dads

top 10: dads coming to dads weekend

Kids are depressed, but businesses are loving it.

let's hope yours isn't the 'You Don’t Drink, Do You?' Dad...

Keep Up With Us! @BlackSheep_UIUC • theblacksheeponline.com

page 20

Pygmalion Preview

Looking ahead at the hippest music weekend in the CU.

S D A D E S BECAU E M O S E ARE AW SPEND DAD’S WEEKEND AT KAM’S! FRIDAY: Absolut Dad’s Day Party featuring DJ Delicato at 10pm Dad’s Day Pint Glasses, $2.50 Lite Drafts, $4 Blue Guys, $3 24oz Lite & Coors Lt. Cans, $3 Jameson Shots & Malibu Spiced, $5 Hamm’s Pitchers, Malibu Girls 11p-1a

KAM’S

SATURDAY: Open at 7am! Illinois vs. Miami (Ohio) at 11am PreGame Party with the BUD GIRLS 8-11am, $2.50 22oz Bud Lt. Drafts, $2.50 Illini Cans, $4 UV Blue Guys , Bloody Mary Bar, $5 Jager Mary’s & Harvest Mary’s, $3 Jager Bombs, $4 Jim Beam & Red Stag, UV GIRLS 4-6PM , Beam Girls 10pm, Free Shuttle to Game, DJ Dash 10pm

>> Managing editor: Katelyn Lilly

Marketing TEAM Sam Oberholtzer Zareena Meyn, Kelly Cerf Lillie Kase, Jessica Nianick Peter Caruso, Colin Lateano

Copy Editors Sean Neumann, Austin Gomez Advertising Managers Megan Hambleton, Megan Rivera Writers Katelyn Lilly, Sean Neumann Austin Gomez, Becky Jacobs Grace Haka, Richie Owens Sam Dewey, Sam Caravette Scott Gantner, Mike Benson Brian Barsotti, Patrick Filbin Dan Mirabelli

Meet the Staff <<

campus director Brendan Bonham

Owned & Operated By: Black Card Media, LLC 2130 W. Potomac Avenue Suite 1, Chicago, Illinois 60622 Contact Corporate: 217.390-1747 For Advertising: 608.712.0900

owner Atish Doshi

Disclaimer: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking.

Founders Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers

This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

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#goodtimes Word

Kitty Kat, I’m a little concerned about this year’s Dads Weekend. And no, it’s not because my dad’s coming. Because he’s not. Well, last fall … it got a little strange. Let’s just say that my roommate’s dad and I hit it off pretty well. How do I hang out with her and her dad this year without making things really awkward for everyone? Sincerely, Daddy’s Girl Dear Home Wrecker, So you slammed your friend’s dad, huh? That’s pretty impressive. You’re also probably the reason for their impending divorce. Way to go. Regardless of how much of a life-ruining slut you are, you can still get through this weekend without wanting to hide in a hole the entire time. First of all, get it out of your mind. Pretend that last year never happened. If you’re lucky, her dad was so drunk the entire time that he has no recollection of it now. And even if he does, just play hard to get. Then it looks like you’re not interested in a second round, and maybe that’s the best thing to go with right now. Once you’ve made it clear you’re not about to slob his knob again, stay sober. Seriously. Nothing is gonna make you seem more desperate than downing a few Scooby Snacks at Firehaus with him. You’ll be jumping his bones before you even leave the bar. Stay sober for the weekend. You can do it. You did it for the first 18 years of your life, anyway. And finally, find a dude your own age. Maybe this is a good weekend to do it. Since you’ll be sober, you’ll actually be able to hold an intelligent conversation instead of the usual, “What? No … I said I think we’re in accounting together. What? I have to pee.” There’s gotta be some other guy on campus whose Dad doesn’t love him enough to come either. It’s like you two are meant to be! Good luck, and try to keep your legs closed for 48 hours. Later, Kitty Kat

have a question? Tweet us @TheBlackSheep_UIUC

Tweet Us @BlackSheep_UIUC

Ladage

of the

A short but memorable saying full of bro wisdom. “According to bro scholar Chet Burns, the ladage ‘Two in the pink, one in the stink’ was coined by fellow bro Brent Wabash on March 22nd, 1999.”

Week Guess The Mascot Tweet Us @BlackSheep_UIUC First right answer wins a prize! Last Week’s Answer: FLorida’s Gators

The Black Sheep

Celebrity Before & After Just like Jeopardy!, our before and after asks you to pair two unlike things, sharing only a word. Because we’re as vapid as the rest of you, a celebrity name will always be involved. Tweet your answer @BlackSheep_UIUC and use #goodtimes for a chance to win a prize!

When not balling as the Clippers’ point guard, has a mouth that’s like a disco one. Last Week’s Answer: David Foster Wallace & Gromit

tissue sales Soar Due to No-Show Dads By: Winnie Bago University facility teams anticipate a busy weekend of cleaning up the stench of daddy issues in the air left behind from Dads Weekend. Meanwhile, counselors are planning to work overtime to deal with troubled, neglected college students whose daddies will forget about them over the school holiday.

ate calls to parents,” Ed Redwood, a business student aspiring to take over the cellular world, said at his parttime job. “We’re ready for the same surge as last year. And we hope that whoever’s dads do come down, that they stop in to one of our many locations and talk about expanding their family plan data usage.”

One of the major incidents last year—that sparked the extra effort and concern this time—surrounded a freshman boy named Josef Johnston. Johnston was found rocking back and forth in the fountain outside Hallene Gateway late Saturday night of Dads Weekend, a time when kids and their dads are usually out at the bars making lasting memories together. He was discovered by a janitor who just ignored him, thinking his tears were drug or alcohol related, but reported that Johnston kept repeating an eerie phrase.

Old U of I security tapes revealed parentless students roaming around campus, dazed and aimless, carrying lifeless bookstore t-shirts in their hands with no one to give them to. Campus police expect to see students outside Foellinger while American English plays, holding lighters in the air and crying. They assure campus dwellers these pathetic babies will not disturb the peace but have sworn to take action if the crowd turns violent.

“He just kept mumbling, ‘He doesn’t love me anymore’ in this sad, whiney kind of voice,” the janitor said. US Cellular and Verizon Wireless locations around Champaign-Urbana reported spikes in cell phone use over Dads Weekend last year and anticipate the same again this year. “We originally chalked it up to Anthony Weiner-style flirtations with sorostitutes, but after seeing counselors’ preparations, it may have been desper-

The Illini Shop situated in the southwest corner of the Illini Union also reported increased tissue packet sales over the past five years and are looking forward to the increased profit again this weekend. When the tissues ran out, papers towels and female sanitary napkins were cleared off the shelves by fatherless customers. “We had to call in an emergency shipment,” Daryl Hinbocker said. “I wasn’t expecting a rush like this until flu season.”

GUESS WHAT

DAY IT IS!

Trails of tissues were found starting at the Illini Shop, leading as far down to Memorial Stadium. The distraught students fit in with the orange and blue, aside from their tear-stained faces. Their tissues covered the muddy ground. “Some stupid hoodlum clogged my tailgating grill with wet tissues. Lesson learned, never accept ‘kindling’ from just any kid,” Tom Gutt said, parent of an Illini football player on the special teams' 4th string squad. Gutt also reported that one student was found in a Memorial Stadium bathroom reading the children’s’ book Is Your Mama a Llama? “I was looking for clarity on what parental figures are supposed to be like,” the student, Fred Gomez said. “Animals have it all figured out with the whole natural instinct of love with their parents. Why can’t the human world be that easy?”

Campus officials are anticipating an extensive array of excuses for why some dads won’t show. Their predictions will be posted on all public bathroom stall doors to prepare students for the inevitable. One speculation is that a hopelessly technologicallychallenged dad will claim he dropped his phone in the toilet and didn’t have rice in the house to dry it out to contact his son about not coming. Another dad is expected to be found on a beach in Miami burying his wedding ring in the sand to try to pick up ladies. “I thought the Dads Weekend football game against Miami (Ohio) was a typo and was actually in Miami, Florida. My bad,” a hypothetical father said. Most dads are expected to simply write the date wrong down on the calendar. Generic apology cards purchased at CVS will soon be in the mail to try to patch things up with their kids post-Dads Weekend.

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My Dad, The Beast, Will Debut His Electronic Dance Band at Pygmalion By: Benny Boy Four years ago, when I was a freshman, I invited my father to come down for Dads Weekend. I was hoping that it would be a great chance to catch up with my old man over a game of two-hand-touch and maybe a few beers. However, when he arrived his breath smelled like Canadian LTD, and he had what looked like a pipe made out of tin foil resting behind his ear. Something seemed different about him, and to this day I am still trying to work it all out. Since freshman year he has refused to leave campus. He now goes by The Beast and, as he has told me, would rather leave this campus a dead man than have failed to make a man out of me. Typically he does this through random drive-by shootings of my house with his 12-gauge shotgun or hiding cocaine in my backpack and calling the cops on me. This I can usually deal with. However, things have a tendency to get a bit weirder around Dads Weekend. Last week I received a letter, which ensured me that this year would be no different. Late Monday night I was sitting in my room when I heard a crash from my living room. I went to investigate and saw a rock with a piece of paper tied to it. The note, which was scribbled on the border of a page from a pornographic magazine read, “Son, if you would like to become a man, this is your last chance. Meet me at Drew’s Pizza. I’m here all the time for obvious reasons. If you don’t show up I will have no choice but to murder you.

Probably with a wire or something.” At this point I was really getting tired of the constant death threats, so I decided to meet up with him one last time to demand he leave me alone. I left for Drew’s immediately, and when I got there I saw my father sitting in the corner with his usual attire of cowboy boots, blue jeans, no shirt and a ten-gallon hat. Surrounding him were his biker friends, all of which were carrying 12-gauge shotguns. I decided the only way to get his attention would be to walk in with purpose and authority. “Beast,” I said as I walked in, “I want you to leave me alone. I don’t even care if you kill me.” “Oh, yeah I don’t really care about that anymore,” my father answered. “What?” “Go do whatever you want. I’m over it. All I really care about now is my music.” “Then why did you call me down here?” “Because I need you to write about my band in your little newspaper.” And so this is how the saga of The Beast will hopefully

come to an end. The Beast took me into the basement of Drew’s where a series of keyboards were set up. The Beast and three of his cronies got behind the instruments and told Drew to hit the lights. A low droning tone began to shake the floor, and then the voice of The Beast came over the speakers, “We are The Beats. Now get off your ass and dance!” The group then went into a halfway decent dance groove.

For four years The Beast has haunted every waking moment of my life, and it has all come down to promoting his throwback electronic dance band. So, folks, if you have time this weekend, go and see The Beats perform at the Pygmalion Music Festival. If you don’t, it could mean bad things for the town of Champaign.

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University Sells Alma Mater,

Hefner Statue to Replace

After a year of exhaustive investigative research, deepthroating journalists at The Black Sheep have recently confirmed campus-wide suspicions that administrators at the University of Illinois have sold the iconic Alma Mater statue. Though campus authorities maintain that the Alma Mater is still undergoing comprehensive renovations to help protect the statue’s shelf life, new evidence suggests that the bronze figure has been melted down and sold for profit to companies that produce everything from screws and bedsprings to dwarven sword replicas and those clamps that some people wear on their nipples.* The University of Illinois is well known for abandoning its various cultural, historical, and academic traditions and images. Of course, we’re talking about the school’s ironic refusal to keep the eternal flame lit. So to hear the Alma Mater had been scrapped as well isn’t too much of a surprise. Early estimates place the amount of money gained by the University due to these backdoor deals at just over $500,000. So far, funds from Alma Mater profits have been allocated to pay for a wide variety of projects. One high ranking administrator admitted to spending a large chunk of that money to seduce the College of Law into renewing its policy of tweaking GPAs and LSAT scores in order to recover from a recent twelve-point drop in national ranking. Conversations with another UIUC official led The Black Sheep team to assume that campus sources have also been using the money to secretly fund an elitist “Cheese Fondue and You” night offered exclusively to top-performing chemical engineering students. Most recently, the University used the money to award president Robert Easter with a $90,000 bonus for coming up with the campaign to “melt the bitch” in the first place.

By: Strawberry Shortcock

Classified information revealed that UIUC administrators plan to use the remaining money to replace the statue with an erect sculpture of Hugh Hefner, founder of the multi-billion dollar Playboy enterprise and graduate from the class of 1949. The Black Sheep investigators also found blueprints for several potential replacement statues featuring other prominent alumni, including one plan for a giant white marble replica of Roger Ebert’s post-cancer bubble face (class of ’64). Another granite design explicitly depicted the sex scene between Jake Gyllenhall and Heath Ledger from Academy-Award winner and alumnus Ang Lee’s Brokeback Mountain (class of ’80). The new Hefner statue will be permanently installed later in the semester at the former site of the Alma Mater. In homage, the new statue will look stylistically similar to its predecessor. The statue will stand with arms out in sexual invitation, draped not in academic robes but in Hefner’s own famous bed robe. The throne from the former statue will be updated to resemble a plush, velvet bed, and the statue will be encircled by the busts of only the most recognizable Playboy Bunnies. Should the Hefner statue not be on campus in time for graduation, it is unclear under present circumstances whether or not 2014 graduates will be able to opt for the virtual reality pictures that were offered to graduates from last year. Enthusiasm among many students is already building, though. Senior virgin Daniel Burke eagerly admits that he has “quite a few virtual partners and positions” he wants to try out come graduation. *In a recent poll funded by The Black Sheep, 94% of readers reported that they would be very likely to have sex on a bed made with Alma Mater bedsprings, while 52% of readers claim they would buy an Alma Mater dwarven broadsword. Only 11% admit to already owning Alma Mater nipple clamps and/or braided tassels.

the room

The

Top

Ten

Dads of Dads Weekend By: Tex mex

As a U of I student, you have a weekendlong opportunity to celebrate the valorous man who, against all odds and emergency contraceptives, fertilized your mother like a fucking pro. And just like the millions of potential offspring who tried getting to the egg, no two padres are identical. This Dads Weekend, crank up the dad rock and salute these archetypes you’ll find strutting their Tommy Bahama button-downs around campus.

as Reviewed by a Wannabe Art Snob By: Brian Barsotti Freshman John Quintet recently saw The Room for the first time at the Art Theater in downtown Champaign, and the experience changed his life. Now, John is the worst type of freshman: a self-proclaimed “art freak.” He resides at Allen Hall, frequents the Krannert Art Gallery, and—like most people who are too full of themselves—believes there’s beauty in everything and is going to Instagram the shit out of it for you. Upon his first viewing of The Room, John concluded that Tommy Wiseau’s epic cinematic turd is, objectively, the greatest piece of art ever made. John defends the brilliance of The Room in this in-depth film review, which he emailed to us at The Black Sheep. Once in a great while, there comes along an artistic masterpiece so exceptional that it makes all other artists feel profoundly inadequate. Our generation has been blessed with one such tour-de-force: Tommy Wiseau’s The Room. Everything about this film—its characters, its plot, its liberal amount of awkward “belly button sex” scenes—demonstrates a degree of meticulous genius that every creative mind should envy. Why, had Ernest Hemingway seen The Room, he would have killed himself…twice. It must be noted that Wiseau’s work is not for everyone, because many won’t pick up on the film’s subtle nuances. He conveys this fact mere moments into the movie. In the first scene of The Room, Denny (a plausibly mentally challenged man-child) hopes to watch two of the characters make love. They kindly refuse to let him observe their intercourse, signaling the intellectual and inaccessible nature of The Room. If nothing else, The Room is a riveting testament to the grim reality of love. Never before has a work of art delved so deeply into this most perplexing of emotions. This drama is centered on the love lives of four characters: Johnny, Lisa, Mark and breast cancer. In particular, Johnny, Lisa and Mark are caught in a messy love triangle, one which makes Johnny blow his brains out at the end of the movie in a heart wrenching scene. Numerous lessons can

be interpreted from it, but their story best reflects the universal truth that sometimes your fiancé can be a real bitch and cheat on you with your best friend. Another masterful aspect to this film is its character development. Namely, the psychologist Peter develops so much as a character that he becomes portrayed by another actor in the final scenes of The Room. Some critics, of course, say that the original actor didn’t want to be in this shitty movie anymore. But true art critics, like me, know that it was part of Tommy Wiseau’s vision all along, to replace an actor halfway through production. This bold choice indicates to the viewer the idea that people, including minor characters, can change. Symbolism is also essential to The Room. For instance, one of the recurring symbols is spoons. The film features several pictures of spoons, and most audiences don’t appear to realize their significance. Spoons are an appropriate metaphor, because spoons are tools which allow you to eat cereal, much like how The Room is a “tool” which allows us to think hard about our own lives. Footballs are also commonly presented as a symbol. The Room contains the motif of men in tuxedos playing football at close range, and this expresses the message that tossing a football to people three feet away from you is fun. Few minds have been able to capture the essence of humanity, to explain what it truly means to be human. Artists like Shakespeare and da Vinci have tried, but their efforts paled in comparison to Tommy Wiseau’s magnum opus. Through deep allegories and other figurative devices, Wiseau conveys a myriad of wisdoms, especially the insightful revelation that we should all learn to be better people, to love others, and to not hurt each other, because then the world would be a better place. It should be stated that The Black Sheep in no way agrees with this weirdo’s take on The Room. We just think it’s a good movie for a drinking game.

10.) The “Hunting for Young Va-Jay-Jay” Dad: This is the dad you’ll find conveniently blocking your girlfriends from all bar exits with his right arm on the wall, slouching like a bloated James Dean. Armed only with memories of failed romances and mandals, this is also the dad you’ll see bawling his eyes out at Joe’s after his pickup line is misunderstood as “My eyes are a little dry, do you have some mace?” 9.) The “Wow, Campus Sure Has Changed” Dad: Tiptoeing around the Quad like an aging Private Ryan at the Normandy Memorial, this dad can be heard making retrospectively comparative observations like, “Wow … the ol’ Alma Mater sure has changed” and, “You see that building over there? That used to be nothing but cornfields.” When he slides his fingers over Red Lion’s brickwork and begins recounting a montage of late-night experiences gone awry, get him outta there. 8.) The “DO YOU NEED ME TO COME DOWN?” Dad: Typically reserved for students who were forced to wear helmets growing up, this is the dad who has tweaking abilities that would give a heroin addict a run for his smack. Probably still in a state of manic depression ever since his “little princess” went away to school, this dad will arrive at your Six Pack dorm with one cubic-Costco load of Ramen and enough rape whistles to start a wind ensemble. 7.) The “International Student” Dad: No one’s really sure why that foreign kid’s dad showed up. It probably cost half a semester’s worth of room and board to book a round trip adventure, and it’s not like he’s willing to learn about American drinking culture. Chances are this guy’s making sure his kid is well off and making the whole “giving you the opportunities I never had” speech, which is more than your dad’s done. 6.) The “I EAT, DRINK, AND SHIT, PISS I-L-L-I-N-I” Dad: This is the dad often mistaken for a Native American Jack-O-Lantern donned in full Fighting Illini garb. When he’s not screaming alongside Block I fans and struggling to tear off layer-upon-layer of Illinois pride, the son of a bitch is ignoring you for never being the son he always wanted. 5.) The “You Don’t Drink, Do You?” Dad: Probably either raised by a drill sergeant or a literal rock, this is the dad you’ll spend all weekend with insisting that you really do just rent movies from the UGL and study all the time. While your friends are out drinking with their normal fathers, yours will be staring you down, judging you with his menacingly well-groomed cop-stache. 4.) The “White Ho Karaoke” Dad: Seen as the quintessential dad for The Black Sheep crew, this is the father who wants to relive the glory days inside of White Horse. Aside from being at the mercy of hundreds of YouTube-ready smartphones, this Dad can really do no wrong in our book. Unless he requests “Wonderwall.” 3.) The “Nonexistent/Maybe Next Year” Dad: So your dad didn’t come down for the third Dads Weekend in a row, huh? Too busy? Held up at the office? Don’t worry, he’ll make it down next year for sure. No, it’s cool, we get it—people have their priorities. When people see you walking alone to grab a quick sandwich this weekend, well, they know. 2.) The “Dad of Your Friend” Dad: You know, the unanimously proclaimed “Superdad” who’s plagued you your entire childhood? The same dad who let your friend hold the best house parties in high school is also the dad who will be buying the most drinks at Firehaus and out-drinking your own dad, which leads us to… 1.) Your Dad: You’ll find this Dad sitting across the table from you at Papa Del’s while your mom is nagging in his left ear about speeding on the highway earlier. Conversations will only come across in fiveminute increments in between nervous sips of a Diet Coke that needs refilling. Your dad will conclude with “Well, it’s getting late. We should probably hit the road” before reaching in for a hug when you were readying for a handshake.

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Beer Sampling at Crane Alley By: Kitty Kat Crane Alley in downtown Urbana boasts the largest beer selection of the CU bar and restaurant scene, and we’re not just talkin’ a lot of Keystone. This place has brews from all over the country just waiting to be sophisticatedly poured in your mouth. Maybe that’s why the brains behind the annual Urbana Beer & Food Truck Festival turned to them this year to compile a list of distributors and brewskis. Specifically, they asked Aaron Wood. Man, does this guy know beer. He has the daunting (yet delicious) task of cutting a list of over 350 beers down to 200 for the Festival. We had a chance to visit Crane Alley and sample a few different beers, as well as learn about special offerings that will be taking place at the Festival this year (Saturday, October 5). Check it out. What We Sampled Stone Levitation Ale — 4.4% From Escondido, CA - Similar to an amber ale and hosts lots of different flavors. - Has a grainy smell and tastes like caramel and coffee. - Ends with a bitter taste that dries your mouth to get ready for the next sip. Founders All Day IPA (Session Ale) — 4.7% From Grand Rapids, MI - Meant to be drank at any time of day. - Really hoppy and pale, yet unbelievably refreshing. - Tastes like citrus and freshly cut grass (in a good

way!)

lasting bitter citrus taste in your mouth.

Stillwater Artisanal Small Black — 5.0% From Baltimore, MD - In this brewer’s Sensory Series line, they select a song by a band (in this case, Small Black from Brooklyn, NY) to emulate through the look, smell and taste of the beer. - Similar to a Schwarzbier (German black lager) and a Belgium saison combined. - Fruity and fun to smell and taste.

Two Brothers Atom Smasher Oktoberfest — 7.7% From Warrenville, IL - Dry hopped with Hallertau Hops, tasting like a finely tuned mixture of nuts and caramel … and hops.

Victory Golden Monkey — 9.5% From Downington, PA - Victory’s take on a Belgium-style tripel. - Has a strong fruity taste while also seeming exceptionally boozy. - Notice the tang of citrus and lemon. Crane Alley at the Festival This year, Crane Alley is going to have their own draft truck at the Urbana Beer & Food Truck Festival with six taps and two firkins. What’s a firkin? Basically, picture your usual keg laying on its side with the spout at the bottom. The beer comes out via gravity. It’s tasty and pretty trippy. Inside the firkins are two extra special beers you can’t really find just sitting on the shelf at Den Liquors. Stone Ruination IPA — 7.7% From Escondido, CA - Double dry hopped with fresh grapefruit, leaving a

What We Learned - More breweries are turning to cans for their beer instead of the traditional glass bottle. The cans block out sunlight entirely, something that is a big bugaboo when it comes to a delicious beer. - Gypsy brewers (like Stillwater Artisanal) are breweries who don’t really on their own brewery. Instead they operate on a temporary basis, usually making one-off, special occasion beers. - The difference between an ale and a lager really only has to do with the temperature they ferment at. That’s it. Taste will always change from one beer to another, depending on yeast, hops and flavorings. Why You Should Go - First of all, who doesn’t love beer? Especially some finely crafted ones such as these. - There’s going to be a bunch of distributors on site, people with a lot more knowledge about beer and brewing than the person writing this article. - There are a bunch of specialty beers available that you may never have the chance to try again! For instance: - Founders CBS Imperial Stout, a Canadian breakfast style beer. It’s bursting with flavors like chocolate,

coffee and oatmeal. It hasn’t been brewed since 2011. - And then there’s Mikkeller Monks Brew, another gypsy brewer. They age this bad boy in red wine barrels with raspberries, giving it a fruity, sour taste. - Only 75 cents per beer sample! Why not? Festival Details Date: Saturday, October 5 Time: Gates open at 3 p.m., and the first 500 guests receive a free sampling glass. Location: Downtown Urbana, near Main and Broadway Want to check out Crane Alley yourself? They’re located at 115 W. Main St. in downtown Urbana and have a lot of food options too, instead of just a crazy amount of beers. Visit them on October 27 for their second annual costume contest and party. What makes it cool? They go out and find the largest pumpkin they can find, gut it out and turn it into a beer cask!

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Tuesday Night's Show: THE PIANO MAN Returns! Shay is back on the keys playing all your favorites! $3 Real Long Islands, $1 Cover

SATURDAY: Welcome Dad's! Open at 10am Serving Great Food All Day! Bud Girls 9pm, Beam Girls 11pm

SATURDAY Sun Stereo, 11pm, $7 w/ Coco Butter Kids and That's No Moon

Wednesday 9/25

Wing Night! $0.25 Wings $1.50 High Life, $2 Flavored LITs $2 Jager Bombs

FLUX PAVILION with COOKIE MONSTA, BROWN & GAMMON and KYRAL x BANKO

LONG ISLAND NIGHT! $2 Long Islands $2 Hot Stuff Shots $2 Sailor Jerry $2 Bud Light Bottles

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

DOLLAR WELLS $2 Hot Stuff Shots $3 Everything Else DJ Ex Mixing Music Videos!

DJ Wesjile & Kow, 10pm, Free! $2 Domestics, $2 Wells

Pygmalion Music Festival presents THE BREEDERS and COMMMON LOON

Happy Hour Food Specials Open at 5pm $2.99 Two Hot Dogs & Fries $5.99 Two Burgers & Fries $3 Bud Light 24oz Tallboys

Radio 6, 10pm

ICON FOR HIRE - Early Show!

Welcome Dad's! Open at 10am Serving Great Food All Day! Bud Girls 9pm, Beam Girls 11pm

Sun Stereo, 11pm, $7 w/ Coco Butter Kids and That's No Moon

Book Your Next Party or Event Here! Contact our event planner at CochraneParty@Gmail.com or call 217-722-9000

Big Dave's Trivia Night FREE | 7:30PM! $1 Miller High Life Drafts | $2 Miller Lite Drafts | $2 Jameson Shots $5 Red Bull Vodkas | $5 Nacho

Thursday 9/26

$1 Wells, $2 UV Vodka Drinks Pygmalion Music Festival $2 Fireball, $2 PBR 16oz Tall Boys presents WARPAINT, MURDER BY DEATH $3 Long Islands, $5 Domestic Pitchers and more!

Friday 9/27

$2 Jager Bombs & $2 Wells, $2.50 Miller Lt/Coors Lt, $3 Three Olives Mixers, $3 3O Premium LITs, $3 Hot Shots, $7 Domestic Pitchers, $1 Cherry Bombs & O Bombs

Saturday 9/28

$2 Jager Bombs & $2 Wells, $2.50 Miller Lt/Coors Lt, $3 Bacardi Mixers, $3 Hot Shots, $7 Pitchers $1 Cherry Bombs & O Bombs

Sunday 9/29

Closed

CLOSED

Monday 9/30

Mason Jar Monday! $2 Double Wells $2 Buweiser & Bud Light Drafts $5 Budweiser/Bud Light Pitchers

MONDAY NIGHT HOUSE PARTY Open Mic with JAMES MOORE till 11pm Followed by the MONDAY NIGHT HOUSE PARTY HOUSE BAND! $1 Drinks! $2 Slices from Manolos! $1 Cover!

$2 U CALL IT

Retro Monday, FREE! DJ Mingram spinning the best 80s and 90s tunes $1.50 Domestic Bottles, $2 Well Drinks

Tuesday 10/1

$2 Wells, $2 Domestic Drafts $2 Craft Drafts* *Not all Beers included $2 Shot of the Week

THE PIANO MAN Returns! Shay is back on the keys playing all your favorites! $3 Real Long Islands, $1 Cover

WINE NIGHT! $8 BOTTLES OF WOODBRIDGE WINE $8 BOTTLES OF CHAMPAGNE $2 BUD LIGHT BOTTLES $2 WELLS

Open Mic Night - Free! Sign-Up Starts at 9:30pm $1 Off All Drafts $3 Jameson Shots

Wednesday 10/2

Wing Night! $0.25 Wings $1.50 High Life, $2 Flavored LITs $2 Jager Bombs

Tickets on sale now for Matt Wertz 10/3, Griz 10/27, Lotus 11/3, and more!

LONG ISLAND NIGHT! $2 Long Islands $2 Hot Stuff Shots $2 Sailor Jerry $2 Bud Light Bottles

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

If you don’t start following us... YOU WON’T KNOW WHAT’S SO DAMN FUNNY.

@BLACKSHEEP_UIUC Scan to go right to the page!

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DOWNTOWN Saturday! FREE PANCAKES! from 9am-10am Illinois vs Miami 11am

WED: GREEK NIGHT! Wear Your Letters, Get a Small Pizza for $1! Half Off Drafts! (Except Miller High Life) $1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells, $2 Imports

EVERY DAY! $4 Fireball Shots $4 StrawBerRitas

SATURDAY! Pygmalion Music Festival! Gates Open at 1pm Live Music Later at 10pm featuring Rockie Fresh

Wednesday 9/25

Karaoke & Mug Night!: YOU KEEP THE HUGE 25OZ GLASS! $2 Pinnacle Vodka, $2 Sailor Jerry Spiced Rum, $2 Tullamore Dew, $1 Shots, $3.99 Buffalo Chicken and Chips 4PM-10PM

$2.50 Red Stripe, $3 Jack Daniels, $3 Bacardi Redbull

Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!

$2 Fireball, $2 Redd's

GREEK NIGHT! Wear Your Letters, Get a Small Pizza for $1! Half Off Drafts! (Except Miller High Life) $1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells, $2 Imports

Thursday 9/26

49ers vs Rams 7pm Win Bears vs Rams Tickets! $3 Long Islands, HALF PRICE WHISKEY! Every Whiskey is 1/2 Off, $2 Evan, $2.50 Fireball, $3 Jager Bombs

$3 Drafts, $4 White Russians, $4 RumChata Colada

Risque Thursdays $3 Imports, $5 Long Islands, $5 Sex on the Beach

$3 Smirnoff $2 Bud Light Drafts $2 Jager Bombs

$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors

Friday 9/27

$3.99 Haus Fries, $6 Bud Light 40's, $3 Captain Morgan, $3 Three Olives, $3 Cuervo Silver

$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy, $5 Jagerbombs

DJ Delayney at 11pm $4 Double Wells, Free Before 10:30 with Student ID

WELCOME DADS! Your dad loves beer gardens...

$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

FREE PANCAKES! from 9am-10am Illinois vs Miami 11am

Watch all the games here Get the Bud Light Gameday Mug! Ohio St. vs Wisconsin 7pm

Ketal One Promo Team! Free Samples & Giveaways $4 Ketal Drinks All Night Catch Every Game at Guido's!

Pygmalion Music Festival! Gates Open at 1pm Live Music Later at 10pm featuring Rockie Fresh

WELCOME DADS! Your dad loves celebrating on the dance floor...

$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

Sunday 9/29

BEARS vs Lions - Noon Win a Bears Jersey! $2 ANYTHING Firehaus has the Red Zone Channel! 7pm Patriots vs Falcons

NFL SUNDAY TICKET! $5 Nachos, $6 Wings, $4 Bloody Marys, $5 Pitchers of Miller and Bud Light, $3 Vodka Redbull

Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gmail.com

DA BEARS AT NOON! Build Your Own Bucket 5 Beers for $11 $2 Jager Bombs

$2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells, $5 Personal Pizzas with 2 Toppings $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

Monday 9/30

Battle of the Undefeated Dolphins vs Saints 7pm $2 Long Islands, $3 All Craft/ Import Beers, $2 Silver Tequila

$2 Bud Light and Miller Lite Drafts, $3 Jameson, 1/2 off Apps after 8pm

MNJ $2 Blackbeard $2 Bud Platinums

$1.50 High Life Drafts! $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

Tuesday 10/1

BLACKHAWKS OPENING DAY! Red Beer on Tap! Hawks vs Caps 7pm Win Blackhawks Tickets! Official Blackhawks Bar!

$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells

Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gamil.com

Wednesday 10/2

Karaoke & Mug Night!: YOU KEEP THE HUGE 25OZ GLASS! $2 Pinnacle Vodka, $2 Sailor Jerry Spiced Rum, $2 Tullamore Dew, $1 Shots, $3.99 Buffalo Chicken and Chips 4PM-10PM

$2.50 Red Stripe, $3 Jack Daniels, $3 Bacardi Redbull

Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!

SPECIAL NIGHT

Saturday 9/28

Watch all the games here Get the Bud Light Gameday Mug! Ohio St. vs Wisconsin 7pm

Dad's Weekend!

DJ Matrix No Cover with I-Card

19+ to Enter, Doors at 10pm

$2 Wells, $6 Cup of Shots

TUESDAY:

$2 Blue Moons, Tequila Tuesday and all the 90's you can handle!

$2 Fireball, $2 Redd's

1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm) GREEK NIGHT! Wear Your Letters, Get a Small Pizza for $1! Half Off Drafts! (Except Miller High Life) $1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells, $2 Imports

A Higher Standard of Living! Prices Starting at $450/room

CAPSTONE QUARTERS

1901 LINCOLN AVENUE | 217-367-7368 | CAPSTONEQUARTERS.COM

CONDOMINIUMS The BarGrid Page 3 of 3

KAM'S Logo Mug Night: Oktoberfest Kickoff $2.50 Pinnacle Mixers $2.50 Orchata, $4 Jager Bombs

BUCKET NIGHT $4 Jim Beam Buckets $4 Pinnacle Vodka Buckets $4 Cruzan Rum Buckets $2 Sailor Jerry Drinks

$4 High Life Pitchers $2 U Call It $3 Jager and Vegas Bombs $4 Car Bombs

$2.50 Corona, Stella Artois, Heineken 2.50 Skyy Mixers $5 Jameson & Bacardi Doubles $2.50 Orchata

SHACKER NIGHT $2 UV VODKA $2 HOT STUFF SHOTS $2.50 BUD BOTTLES $5 24oz SHACKERS

Bartender Battle! 8pm - 2am Burger Night! $1 Burgers 8pm - Midnight $4 High Life Pitchers, $2 U Call it, $2 Soco Lime

Thursday 9/26

Dad's Natty Tailgate! Open at 5pm $1 Fratty Natty Bottles, $1 Burnett's Vodka, $3 Jager Bombs, $3 Jim Beam Tailgate Games!

$4 High Life Pitchers $2 U Call it

Friday 9/27

Klub Kam’s with DJ KORRUPTION $5 KamIslands, $3 Blue Guys, $2 Lite & Coors Lt Bottles, $2 Redd’s Bottles, $2 Fireball & Doctor Shots Great Dance Music!

Every Day! $4 High Life Pitchers $3 Jager Bombs, $3 Jameson Shots, $1 Kamikazes

Wed. 9/25

Platinum Wednesdays Bud Girls! Win Cubs Tickets $2 Platinum, $1.50 Bud & Bud Lt. $5 Lime a Rita Pitchers, $3 Blue Guys, $2 Bacardi Drinks, $4 Bacardi Buckets

Oktoberfest Mugs kick off this Wednesday!

SATURDAY: REVERSE TAILGATE Welcome Dads! $1 DRAFTS 11am: Illinois vs Miami Ohio

SPECIAL NIGHT

FRIDAY! Absolut Dad’s Day Party feat. Delicato 10pm! Dad’s Day Pint Glasses, Awesome Drink Specials!

Mustache Night!

School of Beer $2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles Mustache Night!

Absolut Dad’s Day Party feat. Delicato 10pm! Dad’s Day Pint Glasses, $2.50 Lite Drafts, $4 Blue Guys, $3 24oz Lite & Coors Lt. Cans, $3 Jameson Shots & Malibu Spiced, $5 Hamm’s Pitchers, Malibu Girls 11p-1a

Welcome Dads! NO COVER

WELCOME DADS! $3 Pub Stout & Batch 19 $7.50 Rolling Rock Pitchers $2.50 Wild Turkey & Bacardi Mixers, $4 Jager Bombs

ILLINI FOOTBALL! ILL vs Miami (Ohio) @ 11am Open 7am - PreGame Party with the BUD GIRLS 8-11am, $2.50 22oz Bud Lt. Drafts, $2.50 Illini Cans, $4 UV Blue Guys ,UV GIRLS 4-6PM , Beam Girls 10pm, Bloody Mary Bar, $5 Jager Mary’s & Harvest Mary’s, $3 Jager Bombs, $4 Jim Beam & Red Stag, Free Shuttle to Game, DJ Dash 10pm

Welcome Dads! NO COVER

WELCOME DADS! $3 Coors Light & Miller Lite, $3 Fireball, Orchata, Dr. Shots, $6 Jameson & Bacardi Doubles

REVERSE TAILGATE Welcome Dads! $1 DRAFTS 11am: Illinois vs Miami Ohio

$4 Pitchers, $2 U Call It

Saturday 9/28

SUNDAY FUNDAY! Bears Football $2 U Call It Wells, Bottles & Drafts, $1.50 Lite Punch Top Cans

Sunday Funday! $3 All Drafts

Trivia Starts Sept. 4 @ 9pm $6 PBR & Hamms $2.50 Wells (U-Call It) $4 Pub Bombs

Book your Next Party or Event Here! Contact our Event Planners at CochraneParty@gmail.com or Call 217-722-9000

$1 U Call It

Sunday 9/29

Monday Night Football: Open 7pm $1.50 Lite Pop Top Cans - Win Miller Fun!, $5 Pitchers, Free Pizza at Half Time, $2 Jack & Soco, Jack Daniels Girls!

"Beer Lovers Night" $2 All Domestics $3.50 All Imports

$4 Guinness, Smithwick’s $5 Sailor Jerry Doubles $2.50 Pinnacle Vodka Mixers

MONDAY NIGHT LION $1 WELLS $2 ILLINI LONG ISLANDS $2 CAPTAIN MORGAN $3 RED BULL VODKA’S

$3 High Life Pitchers $1 U Call It $0.50 Pizza Slices (8pm - 12am)

Monday 9/30

$2.50 Domestic Drafts $3.50 All Other Drafts

$3 Blue Moon + Red’s Apple Ale Pints, $5 Jim Beam Honey Barrels, $2.50 Dr. Shots

$2 UV VODKA $1 SHOTS (SHOT MENU) $3 BUD LIGHT 24oz TALLBOYS

$4 High Life Pitchers $1 U Call It $1 Chicken Strips (8pm -12am)

Tuesday 10/1

School of Beer $2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles

Logo Mug Night: Sam Adam's Oktoberfest $2.50 Pinnacle Mixers $2.50 Orchata, $4 Jager Bombs

BUCKET NIGHT $4 Jim Beam Buckets $4 Pinnacle Vodka Buckets $4 Cruzan Rum Buckets $2 Sailor Jerry Drinks

$4 High Life Pitchers $2 U Call It $3 Jager and Vegas Bombs $4 Car Bombs

Wed. 10/2

Country Nite - Drink it in Your Mason Jar- Wear Your Dukes & Boots - Win Hats & T’s! $1.50 Whiskey Drinks, $1.50 Coors Banquet Bottles, $1.50 Lite & Coors Lt. Drafts, $1 Cinerator Shots Country DJ Upstairs -- House DJ Downstairs

Frattle of the Bands! 3-4 Bands Compete for $1,000 - WPGU Live Free Jets Pizza, $2 Platinum, $1.50 Bud & Bud Lt., $5 Lime a Rita Pitchers, $3 Blue Guys, $2 Bacardi Drinks $4 Bacardi Buckets

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Around campus Send us your party pics from around campus to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

on the Streets What’s the hardest you ever laughed at someone else’s misfortune?

r Kelly, Senio

“When my friend fell in front of a party bus wearing a Hocus Pocus witch costume.”

r Sarah, Senio

“I laughed at my own misfortune when my little sister was born.”

r Shay, Senio

“When my friend Tiffany pooped in the ocean at South Padre Island.”

Bartenders of the Week

Chelsey of

Joe's Brewery

Relationship Status: Taken, but looking to trade up Major: Architecture Favorite Drink: Blue Moon Favorite Shot: Applesauce Disgusting Drink: Jagerbombs. I’m going to be fired for saying this. What bar-goer pet peeve would you like to wipe off the face of this earth?: People basically have sex on the Joe’s dance floor. When was the last time you danced like no one was watching, loved like you’d never be hurt, or sang like no one was listening?: Uh … always. If you had a clone, what would be the weirdest thing you’d make it do?: Go to the gym so that I could see what I’d look like if I did. Yoga pants: Overrated, underrated or properly rated? : Underrated, they’re the bomb.com. What nostalgic TV show do you most dislike?: CatDog What’s something that sounds like a sex position but isn’t?: Pigs in a blanket. They’re so good. If you had to have a hangover or diarrhea for a week, which would you want?: Hangover, because then you can just keep drinking. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because reading is fun?

Drinking Game What’d You Just Say?Truth (Parents orEdition) Dare Even though we all went away to school to avoid our parents, they always find a way to take a trip Just “just like the middle school game you played, but with more drinkingthis involved. the down for the day” to check in on our lives. The University even encourages with theirHey, painfully “more drinking” part always works out the best,a doesn’t it?easy drinking game to make their awkward parents’ weekends throughout thefor year. Here’s quick and stay more bearable. (Hopefully they’ll cover the beer bill this weekend, because why else are they here?)

What You’ll Need: A deck of cards, some beer, and an iron will.

Number Players: 3+members and some drinks What You’llof Need: Family Level of Intoxication: Weonly dareyou you not to throw up. Number of Players: You and Level of Intoxication: Doesn’t matter, you’ll need a lot. How to Play:

-Begin the game by dealing each player four cards, face-up. How to Play: - “Girls didn’t dress like that when I went to theyour middle of the table, out two rows ofcollege. five cards. One row will be “truth,” the - -In Grab favorite koozie (orlay a brown bag ” ” around campus) and take a ifother, you’re“dare. walking - “I want to see your classrooms. Let’s check -Note which end ofyour the parents rows you to startout on.the The first” set of cards is worth two drink whenever one of sayswish any of Quad. drinks, the second on. complaint about too much walkthe following things. set is four, the third, six and so - *Some -Flip over the first card in the “truth” set. If any player has this card in their upturned set - “Back when I was in college...” ing* of four, then he or she must drink for two seconds or answer a question agreed upon - “Man, am I glad your mother wasn’t here to - “You’ve gotten so skinny! Are you eating by the group. see over me dothe that!” properly?” -Flip first card in the “dare” set. Any player with this card in their upturned set You mean we get to go two drinkdrinks. on “You’re fatter now. What eatof- “Pregame? four may give any other player In-return, the player whohave takesyou thebeen drinks the field?” ing this whole time?” gives a dare in return. - “Ah, just kiddin’ let’sdrinks give your a drinks - “Drinks on me!” double -This escalates to ,four or a mother truth, four in return for(Drink a dare, etc. for this gem) call!” - “Want me to talk to that girl for ya?” - “What areEnds afties?” “They and closecrying at what time?” they’ve been The Game When: Everyone is naked from-dares because - “Who’s girltheir in your Facebook picture? - “Does any food place even stay open this forced to that admit darkest secrets. She’s pretty. Are you two dating?” late?” - “Have you gotten a job yet?” - “Afties at our hotel room! Did I say that right?”

Emily of Firehaus

Relationship status: Taken, sorry! Major: Dietetics Favorite drink: Sex on the Beach Favorite shot: The Blinking Beaver Disgusting Drink: Jager … anything with it … yuck. What bar-goer pet peeve would you like to wipe off the face of this earth?: Freebasing cocaine before coming out! Get your shit together, junkies! When was the last time you danced like no one was watching, loved like you’d never be hurt, or sang like no one was listening?: Danced? Everyday. Sang? I try not to … I’m horrid. If you had a clone, what would be the weirdest thing you’d make it do?: Start a methamphetamine drug empire. Yoga pants: Overrated, underrated or properly rated?: I like them. What nostalgic TV show do you most dislike?: Hey Arnold! What’s something that sounds like a sex position but isn’t?: The filthy frog If you had to have a hangover or diarrhea for a week, which would you want?: I’m pretty immune to hangovers soooo… Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because I’m in it!

Recipe for disaster The Old-Fashioned With Breaking Bad coming to a close, it’s time to find a different series to pour yourself into. Enter: Netflix, the Holy Grail of all things TV. Our suggestion? Mad Men. To get you in the mood, we thought it’d be a good idea to introduce you to main character Don Draper’s go-to drink, which is also the manliest cocktail you could order during a night on the town. What You’ll Need: A tumbler whiskey glass, sugar cubes, angostura bitters (flavored or not), an orange, lemon or any citrus-like fruit of your choosing, a muddler and a bottle of your favorite bourbon whiskey Cook Time: 2 minutes Fatty Factor: Not fat, manly Let’s Get Baked, er Drunk: - Add one sugar cube to the glass and cover it with dashes of the angostura bitters - Muddle the cube until it is well dissolved - Add an orange wedge and a maraschino cherry and muddle the juices out of each - Add 2 oz. of whiskey (or a bit more if you’re feeling risky) - Add 1-2 large ice cubes and stir - Garnish with both an orange and lemon twist This drink is meant to be sipped and savored, so don’t chug this delicious concoction. It also pairs perfectly with a nice tenderloin, so order this when you’re out to dinner. This is also what Ryan Gosling’s character mixes up for Emma Stone’s in Crazy, Stupid, Love, so now you’re halfway there on landing a kick-ass chick like that.

The Game Ends When: You really do go have afties at the hotel room. That’s when you know your parents are pretty damn cool.

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Booze Review Red Stag Black Cherry by Jim Beam Grade: A written by: Kitty Kat

In an attempt to try more manly, yet flavorful, drinks, this week we sampled Red Stag Black Cherry bourbon whiskey. It seemed like a no-brainer at first … you know, just toss it into a glass with some Coke. Maybe make it fancy with Diet Coke Lime? And of course it was delicious. But after a while it started to strangely taste like…popcorn. Yeah, warm and buttery popcorn. And then wait …is that cotton candy? Elephant ears? Funnel cake? Overpriced sideshow games? Lice-infested teddy bear prizes? After much deliberation, yes, Red Stag Black Cherry is a carnival in your mouth. No admission fee or waiting in line. It’s the sweet aroma of a carny’s cologne of long travels and low wages. It’s the fear and the thrill of the rollercoaster ride that’s one bolt away from collapsing into a rusty heap. It’s Red Stag by Jim Beam. It’s Black Cherry. It’s a magical night at the town fair. Typical Drinkers: Elephant trainers, the Ringling Brothers, Robert Pattinson, kids who are good at $5 ring toss and that weird she-man in the cage next to the big top. User Comments: “Ladies, gentlemen, my mouth: Welcome to the greatest show on Earth!” “Whoa, this is making me see three rings.” “Wait, I’m not tasting this popcorn thing.”

An Acrostic Poem of “Red Stag”: Rolling from town to town Elephants roar, tigers growl Drinking some Jim Beam Sweet sugar stuck to my lips Ticket prices overwhelming Asking for more money from mom Getting drunk on the ferris wheel What a Carny Would Say if They Saw You Drinking This: “Hey kid, can I get a swig too?” “How many tickets did that cost ya?” Best Described as a Song Lyric: “I’m like a ringleader / I call the shots / I’m like a firecracker / I make it hot” – “Circus” by Britney Spears You’ll Like This if You Like: Sharing buttered popcorn with your teenage crush The taste of vomit and nacho cheese coming up in your throat on the Tilt-a-Whirl Food Pairing Suggestion: Reheated hot dogs from a bath of lukewarm water, a crusty bun and dried up mustard. On the side, we suggest over-sugared shaken lemonade and a blue-flavored snow cone for dessert.

Best Mixer: Classic Coca-Cola

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The Sugar Daddy Guide By: Sammie Sea Over the next few days, thousands of fathers will be making their way down to Champaign-Urbana for the University of Illinois’ annual Dads Weekend, an overrated series of events allowing middle-aged men to relive old college days and scream profanities at our football team. The only real benefit of this weekend is the smorgasbord of older men who can afford to send their kid to a university with an inflated tuition. Ladies, if there were ever a time to take advantage of your youthful perkiness, it’s now (not just for free pizza at Drew’s). Your looks may not pay off your student loan debts, but they can score you a sucker who will. That’s why we at The Black Sheep put together this guide to help you in your quest to seizing a sugar daddy. Dress to Impress: Short hemlines and exploding cleavage may have worked for thirsty freshmen boys, but dads aren’t going to be looking for a skank that draws attention to his infidelities. As long as you’re stretch mark-free and don’t have the aging body of a menopausal woman, you’re golden in his eyes. Something sleek and chic is more refined for a sugar daddy’s taste, which will only motivate him to spend more money to keep you looking like a Vogue model. Appear to Genuinely Listen and Care: Chances are his wife stopped caring about his stroke game years ago. (Get your mind out of the gutter, we’re only talking about golf!) Now, we’re not saying that you have to be entranced by his every word, but showing interest in his incessant babbling about sports and his college glory days will give you leverage when asking for monetary favors. Hell, you

can even add onto the conversation! Throw in a comment about a D-Rose comeback and his wallet will practically jizz cash right into your bank account. Lower Your Standards: Not all dads are going to be silver foxes. You may come across a handful during Dads Weekend, but more than likely you’re going to find pudgy, Bears jersey-wearing, beerstained, old men. They all can’t be George Clooney, right? There aren’t enough vodka cranberries in the world to give you strong enough beer goggles in order to see a potential SD as attractive. Instead, focus on certain aspects that will motivate you to keep pursuing him. Things like a Rolex watch or Gucci sunglasses should distract you from his protruding midriff. Make Him Feel Important: After eighteen years of fatherhood, Dads are the unappreciated ginger stepchildren of families. They deliver lame jokes that make strangers feel uncomfortable, they aren’t really in the loop of family affairs and their only real power is the remote control on Sundays. Even if you don’t have daddy issues, playing it off as though you need a “father figure” in your life will have him jumping at the chance to be there for you. Shedding a few tears about how vulnerable you feel without the financial security of your “deadbeat dad” will push him to act as a daddy understudy to make his new baby happy. Be Willing to Put Out: Yes, it’s gross and creepy, but did you really think that some guy was just going to shell out oodles of cash based

BRING YOUR DAD IN THIS FRIDAY TO WIN COORS LIGHT GEAR & ILLINI TICKETS! $3 COORS LIGHT & MILLER LITE PINTS Illini Tailgate Prizes Include: Coors Light Charcoal Grill • Coors Light Tailgate Chairs Coors Light Cooler • Pair of Illini Football Tickets

N S OPE R O O D N 9AM O FOR DAY SATUR IS VS ILLINO H)! I (O MIAM 604 East Green Street | (217) 344-4372

on your good looks and charm? That didn’t even happen in Pretty Woman! Richard Gere may have given Julia Roberts’ trampy ass the resources to buy whatever her heart desired but not without some sweet lovemaking. While being a sugar baby is (almost) worlds away from being a prostitute, you have to be willing to give back in any way that you can. Without some dough, your natural assets are the next best gift to a guy looking for a reward. If you’re looking for a relationship that’s sweeter than Splenda, your best bet is to get yourself a sugar daddy. Frat guys may be good for a keg or two, but a UIUC dad has the coinage to make your college debts disappear. Even if scoring him as a sugar daddy isn’t in the cards, you may get a pay off for not squealing to his wife about what he really did over Dads Weekend.

BAR BATTLE! THURSDAY 8pm - 2am

CASEY & CARLY vs. CHRIS & MIKE UNDERGROUND vs. GUEST BARTENDERS

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Continued from the cover Classmates said they recognize Jennings by his poor choice in clothing and humor, or by his other name: “that asshole.” “Oh, that asshole?” one student said. “Yeah, the guy with the thick, black-rimmed glasses with no lenses? He keeps nudging me during our chemistry lecture and asks me if I've ever heard of Kim Deal.” The student also explained that if you say “The Pixies” instead of “Pixies” then Jennings automatically rolls his eyes and laughs in your face. “It's like clockwork really,” another student said. “Sometimes I say it just for fun.” According to people he has talked to, Jennings said he isn't going to see Major Lazer at this year's Pygmalion and will instead see the local Urbana two-piece, Coco Butter Kids, at Error Records. “I don't listen to rap really,” Jennings confessed, “I'm really more into indie.” When asked to describe an “indie rock” sound, Jennings said, “Well, there’s really no way to describe it. It just sort of sounds indie, you know?” Last weekend in the lobby of Espresso Royale, it was reported that Jennings bothered customers by asking them which band they were most excited to see at Pygmalion, then telling them they were wrong and listing other bands on the bill that are “way better.” Surprisingly, Jennings was only told to “fuck off” seven times during his two hours at the coffee shop. When some customers replied to Jennings by saying they weren't attending this year's Pygmalion Music Festival, the young man became confused and irate. “You ... you're ... you're what...?” Jennings stuttered in utter disbelief. “You're drinking coffee in Espresso Royale, and you're not going to buy a ticket to Pygmalion this year? That doesn't even make any sense.” “He got really angry at me,” Laura Ricks explained. “I mean, I was there because I was studying for an accounting exam. And I’m not going to Pygmalion because it’s Dads Weekend. Everyone else’s dad is coming down too! What’s his deal?” When another customer reportedly informed Jennings that some people just like to drink coffee for the sake of drinking coffee, Jennings laughed and commended the customer for their snappy humor. “Ha! Yeah, right. Someone at Espresso Royale who isn't going to Pygmalion? Hilarious stuff, bud,” Jennings said before finishing off his soy hot chocolate with extra whipped cream and walking out. Although Jennings is now going to this year's Pygmalion Music Festival alone, he said he expects to make a bunch of new friends during the three-day fest. “I guess no one wants to go with me anymore, which I get because sometimes my knowledge of music is intimidating to other people,“ Jennings said nonchalantly. “I'm not worried, though. With a sea of other cool indie kids, I'll be able to make a bunch of new friends,

no problem. I'll just talk to some people about what kind of vintage jackets they've found at Ragstock over on Green Street, then I know they'll want to keep talking to me.” Jennings described this weekend's Pygmalion Music Festival as his "Christmas” and has been looking forward to it ever since hearing about it last month when he moved in to his dorm in Urbana. “Just ... words cannot describe how excited I am,” Jennings said between sips of his internationally imported chamomile tea. “A lot of people said they're excited to go, but when I say it I really mean it. All of my favorite bands in one place? God, I can't wait.”

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Pygmalion 2013 Preview By: Benny Boy

Where is it:

Pygmalion is located in Urbana, which is the part of campus where you took your guided campus tour before freshman year. What you want to do is head in the general direction of the Quad, and then just keep going. If you see The Silver Bullet, you’ve gone too far.

What should I wear:

When it comes to music festivals, fashion is just as important as music. Think of it this way: You go to the festival to hear the music, and the bands come to the festival to see your hot new looks. Why do you think Metallica drank so much booze in their early years? Ripped jeans? Yucko! GG Allin would get so mad at his audience’s fashion sensibility that he would smear poop on his face (We all deal with anger differently). These bands want to see the hottest music festival fashion trends, which this summer has been all about toe shoes, cargo shorts, and Camelbacks. Be mindful of the khaki tone of your shorts, and be sure to match your bandana to your shoes, not you belt. And if you wear grey on grey Damien Jurado is going to cry.

Who will be there:

This year sports one of the most diverse lineups in Pygmalion history. There’s Kurt Vile, Major Lazer, which is completely different than Kurt Vile, and The Breeders, headed by exPixie Kim Deal, who looks like Kurt Vile but is also not Kurt Vile. One of the most anticipated band on the lineup is Dawes. A young alt-country band out of Los Angeles, Dawes provides grooving indie rock with a folk twist. Think Wilco without the arthritis and hearing aids. However, the band we at The Black Sheep are most excited for is Champaign local Smoke Coke. We’ve never heard their music, nor do we plan on necessarily enjoying it when we do. Based simply on the name we are hoping to see somebody set on fire, or at least some mild defecation on stage. Both of which we are sure will be lacking from Youth Lagoon’s set. We would also like to take a minute to discuss the Los Angeles indie rock band Warpaint. Consisted of Emily Kokal, Theresa Wayman, Jenny Lee Lindberg, and Stella Mozgawa, Warpaint is easily the most visually stimulating band since Kiss decided to remove their face paint in ’83. Guitarist Emily Kokal is the timid artist of the group. She enjoys the works of Chekhov and her perfect evening is spent cuddling up with a bottle of Barefoot moscato in front of one of her favorite Fellini films. Theresa Wayman is the second guitarist and unequivocal leader of the band. She has toasted honey-almond hair and wants to open up a bakery when she gets older. Bassist Jenny Lee Lindberg is the whacky, wild, and fun partier of the group. She believes in living fast and loves to dance in the pouring rain. Stella Mozgawa plays the drums. If you get a chance to see Warpaint in action, you will not be disappointed. They sound like Berlin-era David Bowie except your erections won’t make you as confused.

What to expect when you get there: Glowstick spinning.

Pygmalion Music Festival begins this Thursday September 26, and goes through to Saturday night. If you want to meet up with us, we will be waiting outside Canopy Club trying to give our mixtapes to Theresa Wayman of Warpaint.

According to freshman Ashley H. of Allen Hall, Pygmalion Music Festival is going to be the chillest weekend of the year. For months she has been collecting her mild psychedelics and boning up on her Local Natives. Local Natives is, of course, not performing at the festival, but she still feels that she should know their stuff before she goes. Now, we can’t all be as prepared as Ashley, but with this short guide you will all at least have a little bit of background before this indie circus hits town.

the black sheep interviews:

Flux Pavilion English DJ-slash-producer Joshua Steele, better known as Flux Pavilion, was kind enough to give us a solid fifteen minutes to talk about music, because like us, he likes music. The Black Sheep: How does the songwriting process for electronic music differ when you’re working alone versus with a person? Flux Pavilion: I prefer to do a lot of work on my own. For a collaboration it depends on who I work with, and their creative process. Getting on the same page of music, often we’ll sit for a couple of hours talking before we work on the music, which allows you to know where they’re coming from so you can approach the music from a certain way. I was just did a session with these guys, Anamanaguchi, who are a four-piece group, who do video game-style music. I sat on my computer as they got their Game Boys out, they’d make music and they’d send it over by email. I ended up with 30 email cuts and I’d take those cuts and see where they’d take me. It was like I was producing a song with people in the room where we’d just say, “how about that there and that there?” TBS: Someone like that, with such a distinct sound, does that provide you with any kind of challenges? FP: Their sound is quite similar to mine, actually. I wanted to work with them because I could tell that we think in the same way about music and chord structure and melodies. I wanted to work with them because we have similar ideas that we can approach in different directions. There was no problem there. Where there was a problem,

they write on a Game Boy, and that doesn’t stay in time or is necessarily in tune. They’d send me a tune and it’d be out of time because the algorithm in the Game Boy is different than a computer. TBS: When you do a live set, do you adapt things show to show? FP: I don’t actually change my set for anyone, because I think that my job on that stage as an artist is to give a performance of who I am as a musician. I’m showing what my taste is and who I am as an artist. I think of myself as a band, and if a band shows up and the crowd doesn’t like their music and they decide instead to play a lot of covers, it’s like, what’s the point of the band being there if they don’t play what makes them tick? If people hate it, then those people aren’t a fan of what I do. I don’t give a shit about that, I don’t want everyone to like me. I want to give the best impression of what I do, and I want people to love that. TBS: Has that always been your frame of mind, or has your approach to a live show changed? FP: It has changed, I guess. I’m more confident now. I never used to talk on the mic, I’d just go out there and play the music. I used to mix the tracks with my back to the audience for a few minutes. My approach has changed because I think there’s something more thrilling with being up there and connecting with people. When I get into music, I want them to get into it as well.

TBS: What can people expect in a live show going forward? FP: Next year it’s a lot more towards live singing and live stuff. I’ve always written music with the idea of it being performed live. I’m not a producer who does loads of crazy sounds or chopping and editing. I quite like natural sounds, even if it’s a ridiculous electronic track, there’s natural elements to it. I want it to sound aesthetically the same, but performed by live people, but with me singing with a guitar solo. That’s every kid’s dream, isn’t it? To be like Jimi Hendrix. TBS: You’ve said before you’re inspired by Sigur Ros and Brian Eno. This seems to be a similar theme among musicians of all genres. What’s so musically interesting about them that they’re universally loved? FP: Because they work with feelings, I guess. Their music makes me feel something. It sounds like they want it to sound. It’s a hard thing to explain, but a track’s not made for the radio with a hook or a chorus, it’s music that exists because it needs to exist. It came from their brains or their hearts and there’s something pure and natural about that. It’s untouched by nothing but the humans that created it, which is a really awesome thing. I think Dr Dre’s The Chronic is one of the best hip-hop albums because it sounds like Dr. Dre wrote all the tracks, a music representation of his brain. Pure music is a vision or a concept that an artist doesn’t have a plan, they just sit down and write a song without thinking. By: Brendan Bonham

spot the difference

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ballad of

The ARC ID Swiper By: scotty g. We managed to sneak a peek at the journal of Ricky Peterson, a fitness enthusiast and one of the many University of Illinois employees who swipes your student ID as you enter the ARC. He’s gone through some interesting times this semester, and it’d be selfish of us to keep them to ourselves. August 28th: Wow! What a great turnout today! Attendance at the ARC is at an all-time high. These guys really love to work out! I’m just so glad that the student body is excited to get in shape and that I’m able to help them out with that. If they keep it up at this rate, that student body is gonna have a rippling six pack and bulging lats. Wouldn’t that be neat?! Guys and girls of all shapes and sizes are coming here to trim down, pump up and roll out. The air is filled with the sweet aroma of hungover whiskey sweat and protein powder. I’ve even overheard talk of year-long workout plans or hiring a personal trainer! I can’t wait to see the progression of these students throughout the semester. September 12th: I...um...I don’t really know what’s going on here. Attendance has dropped quicker than I ever could have thought. For some reason, people have stopped going to the ARC on a regular basis. Don’t they understand regular exercise is the best way to maintain a healthy heart and bodacious calves? What happened to all the goal setters? They’ll never be able to bench 200 if they stop hitting the gym! What could possibly be more important than carving your core five times a week? I bet these thin-skinned, thick-skulled thespians just gave up. They don’t have what it takes to stay tight. My last few days here have consisted of a handful of guys coming by every half hour just to shoot hoops or play badminton. What am I supposed to do if there’s no one for me to swipe in? I’m in the dumbbell doldrums, and I can’t get out! This place reeks of stale air-conditioning and anti-bacterial spray. You know what, I don’t even want them to come back! September 18th: I’m having trouble explaining it, but there’s been a big change. Today, the attendance is through the roof! Forget what I said before, I’m so happy to see everybody back at the gym! What’s that? You wanna jump on the elliptical? No prob, Bob, we’ve got hundreds! You wanna play a game of basketball? No

sweat, Chet, check out one of our regulation sized balls and hit the court! You wanna practice your hip-hop dance in front of a mirror? More power to ya, Johnny Oduya! I told myself I wouldn’t cry, but ... but it’s just so emotional. It’s kinda strange that everybody’s wearing black and navy blue warm ups. It’s 80 degrees out guys, no need to keep in the heat. Wait, why is everyone carrying papers with their names on them? Did they print out personalized workout plans? Why do all these guys have dress shoes on? There’s so many of them! This isn’t good! We don’t have enough free weights for this many people!!! Somebody tell me what’s going on! What’s that sir? You’re here for the career fair? No, you must be confused. This is where people flex their glutes, not wear their suits. Are all of you only here for the career fair?! You’re telling me I have nobody to swipe in?!?! That’s it, I quit!! This place smells like freshly polished shoes and lies! I’m outta here! No more swiping for this swiper!

famous jims

your dad is named jim, right? ACROSS 1) President Jimmy, of the late 70s. 3) This Jimmy wants you to come on down to Margaritaville. 5) Jim Davis created this famous kitty cartoon. 6) Jim Morrison sang, “Come on baby, light my” what? 10) One of the headliners of Woodstock ‘69, two words. 11) This rapper’s biggest single was 2006’s “We Fly High,” two words. 12) Last name of Jim on The Office. 13) This Jimmy’s hit song was “The Middle,” two words. 15) Creator of Kermit the Frog, amongst others.

late-night talk show host. 5) This comedian’s most famous stand-up is King Baby. 7) British hottie Jim Sturgess played Jude in the 2007 film Across the what? 8) Guitarist and leader of Led Zeppelin, two words. 9) Former co-host of The Man Show. 14) Jim Carrey played this character in the successful 1998 film.

DOWN 1) This Jim’s most famous role was as Jesus in The Passion of the Christ. 2) Jim Parsons played this character on The Big Bang Theory. 2) Sean Connery is amongst many who played this famous James. 4) Former SNL cast member turned

crossword

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