The Black Sheep
FR TO M EE... L ELT IKE T INT HAT O D DIR RIN T Y KIN SNO GW W ATE R.
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Vol. 24, Issue 6
THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
2/26/14 - 3/5/14
SNOW FED UP WITH STUDENT POPULATION, MELTS ITSELF JUPITER STEVENS WROTE THIS The snow has melted itself after months of struggling to cope with the University of Illinois' student population. According to those close to the snow, they said it felt as if the university's students had been walking all over it for months now, resulting in the snow to finally cave in and melt itself this past week. Bob Rauber, the head professor of atmospheric science at Illinois, said the suspected cause of evaporation is believed to be from extreme exposure to rays of sunshine that heated the snow's body temperature past the rate of survival. The snow, just three months old, is survived by thousands of puddles which have been placed under the guardianship of university maintenance committees. Earlier this week, University of Illinois officials said the snow did leave a note behind before turning to the sun and melting itself in front of an absolutely horrified campus. On a shriveled piece of loose leaf paper found in the middle of the Quad, the snow laid the blame for its melting on the university's student population, calling their attitudes toward day-to-day life “miserable and just downright pathetic.” “I just can't do this anymore,” the snow wrote. “Have you seen the way students treat each other? How they act in public? I've been stepped on for months now, and I can't even tell you how many times I hear students cursing me out each day.” The snow went on to make a long list of belittling actions the university's students have taken upon it over the course of its time on campus. “At first I was celebrated and loved,” the snow remembered before melting itself to the delight of everyone around it. “Then it turned nasty. They tried to make me one of their own and build me into something that barely resembled a human being. A snowman? Seriously? I would never take you and flatten you out into little flakes like me. How can you guys be so rejecting and hurtful to those who are different than you? Students even used me as a weapon on multiple occasions, squeezing me together and throwing me at their friends. They laughed, too! They always laughed! We'll see who'll be laughing when this is all over.”
in day-to-day life and social interaction. “Students have been acting in a completely different manner since the loss of the snow,” President Robert Easter told reporters Tuesday. “It's definitely been apparent that we've lost something this week that was truly a large part of our campus.”
University officials said the loss of the snow has had a profound effect on the student population, leading to immediate and drastic changes
The snow continued to lay the blame on students in what's being called its “melting note.” “I can't stand being forced to overhear your shitty
attitudes any longer,” the snow's note read, addressing the university's students. “Oh man, you've got a nine a.m. class on a Friday right after Thirsty Thursday? That ruins everything! Must be tough! Try sitting in one place and getting kicked around, avoided all the time by your peers, and then have salt thrown in your face. Then let's see how much you complain, you little shits.” CONTINUED ON PAGE 19
PAGE 9 TOP TEN: INSTAGRAM PICS YOU LOVE TO HATE
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PAGE 18 NEW RULES IN THE ARC ENFORCED BY CAPITAL PUNISHMENT
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Acting overtly religious when beneficial, only to revert to a traditional college lifestyle otherwise. Nathan would dutifully attend confession with his parents when home for the holidays, but being eventgelical, he’d confess to all the sorority girls he’d slept with while insanely drunk.
Kitty Kat, Like every other person on campus, I almost never put down my cell phone. And I’m not texting my boyfriend or sending sexy SnapChats. I’m addicted to Candy Crush. I’ve tried everything I can think of to stop, but it’s impossible. I decided that I need a new addiction to spend my time on, instead of a just a cold turkey solution. What do you think I should try?
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Dear App Abuser, Yikes, this could turn really bad really fast. And I’m not about to suggest you start getting into cocaine or heavy drinking because 1.) you’re probably already into that, and 2.) we don’t need another lawsuit on our hands.
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LAST WEEK’S ANSWER: BURT REYNOLDS
First idea: You could get really into some sort of weird hobby, like basket weaving or bird watching. Maybe you could sell millions of copies of some pornographic Breaking Bad fan fiction? All of these things would take up a lot of time and your fingers. You’d be so consumed in perfecting these other things that you wouldn’t have the chance to pick up your phone and break down some chocolate barriers. Going off the “no fingers” thing, maybe you could recreate Saw? Not on other people (remember the whole lawsuit thing?) but on yourself. The whole point of the movie series was the remind people not to take their lives for granted, and you’re wasting yours away with multicolored fantasy world filled with exploding candy? Sounds like losing a thumb or two would set you straight. One of the healthiest options you can take would to be an extreme workout junkie. Always have a 5-pound weight in your hand and keep your feet busy on the treadmill. You could be like that crazy speed walker girl who spends four hours a day at the ARC. Be friends with her. I bet she has some kooky addiction of her own that you’d be better off adapting. Later, Kitty Kat
PAGE 5
RICH KID LEARNS ABOUT SOCIAL INEQUALITY RIMA PARIKH WROTE THIS At 9:16 a.m. on Tuesday, sophomore Jeannie Furman experienced an educational breakthrough in her urban planning class. During the professor’s customary lecture about the evils of social inequality, she stumbled upon a monumental observation. “Holy shit, there are some really poor people out there!” she blurted out with her mouth agape. Furman, who lives in a gated community in Northbrook, Illinois, comes from an affluent family of doctors, lawyers, and stockbrokers. She had previously believed that the economically disadvantaged were “people who had to buy the iPhone 5C instead of the 5S.” Thus, actually thinking about poor people was an astonishing personal accomplishment for her. The class discussion dealt with the displacement of low-income families from subsidized housing, and the consequent creation of racially segregated and economically disadvantaged neighborhoods in major cities. This idea became oddly relatable to Furman when she suddenly recalled the new apartment complex that her parents had just built in Chicago. Coincidentally, the building had been literally constructed on top of a low-income mother and her children. “It didn’t seem like a weird thing to do at the time. But
after today’s lesson, I thought about it. Like, I’m pretty sure we killed those people when the construction guys started dropping bricks and stuff on their heads. They didn’t even get the chance to be pushed out of their territory and into a violent and segregated neighborhood,” she said, shaking her head. “I always thought that racial gentrification was some new nocarb diet. I’m really glad it isn’t though, because I don’t think I could ever give up Krispy Kremes.” Furman’s professor was pleasantly surprised by her discovery. He stated, “Wow. In all my time spent lecturing, I’m just trying to get one point across: Social inequality sucks ass. If one student can understand that as easily as Jeannie, why can’t everyone else? Especially because, I mean, look at this kid. I pegged her immediately as the airhead rich girl who probably showers in San Pellegrino instead of tap water. Seriously, if she can understand it, why can’t the rest of these soulless flesh-sacks feel some goddamn moral angst too?!” Understanding social injustice has shed new light on everyday occurrences for her, such as walking down Green Street. “I used to think that the people standing outside of Chipotle were just doormen that were doing a shitty job at it. But then, I figured out that they’re homeless! Like they don’t have a place to live, at all! Not even a vacation home in Cabo—it’s literally insane.”
Overall, Furman has finally learned that “not everyone has the privilege of unlimited credit cards, trust funds, and daddy’s Ponzi scheme earnings.” She has allegedly vowed to start giving a shit about things going on in the community, and commit herself to philanthropy. “Anytime I see someone driving a Toyota, I’m going to empathize with the poor thing. If I ever pass a
Wal-Mart, I’ll throw quarters at it, so that the destitute shoppers will have enough money to do their laundry. Also, if I see a homeless person sleeping on a park bench while starving to death, I’ll be able to identify them as victims of the unjust capitalist institutions around them. Who knows? Maybe I’ll even ‘share their pain’ or whatever that means. Thanks, urban planning!”
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Old Woman Finally Remembers the Name of That Guy From That Thing
MONSTER UNDERNEATH BED WISHES YOU WOULD WARN HIM BEFORE BRINGING OVER GUESTS Life as a monster under the bed is rough, especially with a rude roommate. Brawknor is an 8-foot tall demonic reptilian monster who hides underneath slumbering rich kids who don’t have any real things to be afraid of. His latest victim is Terry Dawkins, a sociology major with bad manners but a sick Maserati Ghibli. Whenever Terry happens to bring home a female acquaintance, he totally forgets to give Brawknor a fair warning.
Last week, 72-year-old Doris Etheridge was having trouble recalling a name while in a conversation with her grandson Nicholas. Things escalated quickly after Nicholas tried in vain to brush it off, saying that it wasn’t important, and she could just continue with her story. Mrs. Etheridge was having none of it. This was already the third time that day she’d forgotten a name, which totally threw off the flow of her storytelling. Nicholas tried everything he could think of to jog his grandma’s memory, but nothing was working. “She just kept
saying ‘he was that guy from that thing,’” said Nicholas. “I asked her to describe what he looked like. Is he a musician? Politician? A friend of yours? Do you know anything about this guy that could help us figure out his name?” Just as Nicholas had given up hope, Doris Etheridge focused harder than ever before, reaching into the deepest recesses of her mind to retrieve the precious name. “Dan Aykroyd!” shouted Doris. “That’s the guy!” She and Nicholas yelped with joy. They had just accomplished the impossible, and celebrations were in order. After
another short 45-minute conversation, they figured out that the thing Doris knew Dan Aykroyd from was his classic film, Ghostbusters II. Doris and Nicholas shared a laugh, knowing they had been through an experience so extraordinary, that their lives would never be the same. Nicholas told his grandmother how much he loved her, and Doris had to hold back her tears. She took a long moment, composed herself, and said, “That’s right, it was Dan Aykroyd. Now, where was I?” Scott G. wrote this
“So, it’s like, 3 a.m., and I’m fast asleep. You know, like everyone else,” said Brawknor. “I’m happily dreaming about haunting a little kid who just watched The Conjuring and then out of nowhere, I hear the bed squeaking. Right on top of me! Can you believe that?! I know Terry knows I’m there. I scare the shit out of him regularly. You don’t just forget about the undead creature whose presence causes panic attacks. Even I warn people before I just barge into their rooms. I use my
powers to give them terrifying nightmares and the constant feeling that they’re being followed.” Brawknor continued to vent his frustrations about Terry’s inconsiderate actions, saying that the whole problem could easily be avoided with a simple heads-up text. “Look, I know I’m
a monster, but I’m no cockblock. All he has to do is give me, like, a five minute heads-up, and I’ll go hang out down the hall somewhere. And another thing, his pillow talk is horrible. He’s so awkward it makes me cringe, and that’s coming from a murderous, satanic brute.” Scott G. wrote this
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PAGE 6
Student Picks Fight with Wisecracking UGL Printer TEX MEX WROTE THIS
Panic broke out at the Undergraduate Library last Wednesday afternoon when patrons and library staff found a shirtless student wrestling tooth-and-nail with one of the black-and-white printers in the circulation area. UGL staff claim that the altercation happened within a matter of seconds, and that they haven’t seen such pandemonium since they had to tell a student twice to throw out his Chipotle burrito a few weeks ago.
white printer #04 with the tenacity of a rabid Bengal tiger. Walker struggled lifting the smartass printer at first due to his scrawny arms being no match for his adversary’s sheer weight. When a student passing by made a small quip about Walker looking as if he were dry-humping the inanimate HP product, Walker became even more infuriated and tore off—or rather, unbuttoned—his plaid shirt and continued the aggressive manhandling of the printer.
While details are still hazy, The Black Sheep was able to piece together several accounts to create a cohesive timeline. Tim Walker, a junior in English, was frantically trying to print his seven-page midterm paper on Captain Underpants from a post-colonial perspective ten minutes before its due date. When the heavily perspiring Walker attempted to release his print job, black-and-white printer #04 displayed an error message reading, “JAM IN TRAY. PLEASE CHECK PAPER.” Frustrated, Walker attempted to release his print job approximately fortyseven more times before the printer haughtily responded with “LOW TONER. PLEASE REPLACE.”
“I mean, it was just a stupid joke,” said the deliverer of the jeer and local funny guy Craig Ritz. “The guy was gripping the printer by the sides of its trays and heaving in and out. It didn’t help that he was yelping, ‘Yeah, yeah, you fucking like that, huh? Want more of Walker’s wrath, you greyscale piece of shit?’ as he did it. I’m pretty sure everyone else waiting for print jobs just moved on to another release station instead. I think they all made it to their classes on time, too.”
“The fire in his eyes was really something else,” recounted one student assistant. “When the printer’s LCD screen displayed the message, the dude slowly turned his head menacingly toward the printer and just muttered, ‘…the fuck did you just say to me?’ We at the circulation desk hoped the printer would stop its fun and games after that … but it just kept pushing it and pushing it. When that second message came up, shit really hit the fan.” Shocked students recalled Walker screaming, “Oh, I’ll ‘jam your tray,’ alright. I’ll ‘jam’ your whole fucking control panel, bitch!” at the top of his lungs before ferociously lunging at black-and-
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Once UGL security guards were ready to pry Walker off of black-and-white printer #04 like a puppy mounted on its owner’s leg, the assaulted printer decided that enough was enough. When Walker wound up his signature uppercut, the printer unhinged from its boltedin position and toppled over onto its attacker, crushing and immobilizing him on the spot. Before the paramedics arrived, Walker spent the following five minutes struggling to breathe, likely with a crushed ribcage as mangled as his final grade since he was ultimately unable to turn in his paper on time. As the defeated student spattered blood from his mouth, blackand-white printer #04 victoriously displayed a final message, “LOW ON MAGENTA. PLEASE INSTALL NEW CARTRIDGE.”
PAGE 8
JK ROWLING REVEALS ORIGINAL RULES FOR QUIDDITCH STRAWBERRY SHORTCOCK WROTE THIS Weeks after trolling the Muggle world by announcing that Hermione actually should have ended up with Harry, beloved Harry Potter author JK Rowling has once again forced herself into the spotlight. In this Black Sheep exclusive, she’s released the original, unedited and uncut chapter that first introduced the world to the wizarding sport of Quidditch. “Hey, Potter, come down from up there!” Oliver Wood had arrived, carrying a large wooden box under his arm. Harry gripped the handle of his thick, wooden shaft, lowering himself next to Oliver on the ground. “Very nice,” said Wood, eyes glinting as he looked Harry up and down. “I see what McGonagall meant. You really know how to work a stick between your legs. I’m just going to teach you the rules this evening, and then you’ll join us for group play three times a week.” He opened the crate. Inside were four different-sized balls bound together on a string, a couple of rod-shaped bats, and a small golden egg Harry had never seen before. "Right,” said Wood. “Quidditch is easy
enough to understand. It might hurt a little at first, but you get used to it. There are seven players on each side. Three of them are called Chasers.” Wood took out the string of balls and began to coat them with lubricant.
“I’ll show you,” Wood said, winking as he slowly drew the ball out of his ass. He handed Harry a small club a bit like a short baseball bat, but with more girth. “These are used by the Beaters.”
“These are Quaffles,” said Wood, taking off his pants and bending before Harry. “The Chasers throw the Quaffle to each other and try and insert the first ball through their bum hole, and then they go for the next, slightly bigger ball, and so on. Ten points for every time a Quaffle fits through one of the holes,” he said breathlessly, as his bright pink butt hole enveloped the smallest ball of the Quaffle at the end of the string.
“What are they for?” Harry asked, looking down at more balls straining to escape a pair of straps holding them inside the box.
“Now, there’s another player who’s called the Keeper, and that’s me. I fly around and yank the Quaffle out of other players’ bumholes,” he grunted, as he tore at the sides of his anus to get the second, larger ball through. “You can try to tug it out, but it’s harder than it looks. Get it?” “Three Chasers, one Keeper. Got it,” said Harry, who was ready to mount his broom and get at it. “Okay, so what are they for?” He eagerly eyed the smooth, silicone clubs inside the crate.
“Those are the Bludgers. Stand back,” Wood warned Harry. Harry noticed that Wood’s uncut penis had begun to pulse, slightly smaller than either of the thick, black bats. Wood bent down and freed one of the Bludgers, keeping his pale, British ass proudly popped in the air. At once, the black ball rose high in the air then pelted straight at Wood’s exposed boy-ass. Harry felt lucky he was in a robe, because it hid his ever-hardening erection. The Bludger strapped itself onto Wood’s bottom, pumping and convulsing and vibrating furiously. “See?” Wood panted with ecstasy, forcing himself to remove the struggling Bludger and strap it back in the crate, while his wand dripped with sweat and pre-ejaculate. “The
Bludgers rocket around, trying to fuck players off their brooms. It’s the Beaters’ job to help whoever is getting fucked by the Bludgers. All that combined pleasure, and that player’s basically done for. Got all that?” “Three Chasers try and score with the Quaffle; the Keeper works to tear up some anuses; the Beaters and the Bludgers keep the other team distracted,” Harry said, impatiently stroking his dick.
basically a magic, fuckable cooch, and it’s the Seeker’s job to ram the living shit out of it. You’ve got to capture it and fuck it before the other team, because whichever Seeker cums in the Snatch earns his team 150 points and a win. That’s why Seekers get fucked extra hard so often.”
“Very good,” said Wood, reaching into the crate and taking out the last ball. Compared with the Quaffle and the Bludgers, it was tiny—about the size of Harry’s dick tip. It was bright gold and had little fluttering silver wings.
Wood continued, “Quidditch only ends when the Snatch is creampied, so it can go on for ages—I think the record is three months, and they had to keep calling in substitutes so that the players could get some sleep and reload their cock-pistols.” Wood paused to wipe his brow. “Any questions?” Wood asked as he looked down at Harry, who was now covered in mysterious white goo.
“This,” said Wood, “is the Golden Snatch, and it's the most important ball of the lot. It’s
Embarrassed and excited, Harry simply asked, “When do we hit the showers?”
CURRENT EVENTS
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TEN
INSTAGRAM PICS YOU LOVE TO HATE KITTY KAT WROTE THIS
Unless you follow someone with real photography skills or a cool job that allows him to travel around the world, your Instagram feed can get a bit repetitive. And although you like every single picture Hot Rebecca posts, you secretly wanna rip her #nofilter #greeneyes outta their sockets. You’re bound to see these 10 Instagram posts whenever you look, and we know you despise them every single time. How many are you guilty of? 10.) An artsy, black and white Starbucks cup: If you have an Instagram account, chances are you’ve consumed at least one grande soy latte in your life, and dammit, you better let everyone know. Make sure it’s positioned by that slice of lemon pound cake too, so everyone can be extra jealous of your ritzy coffee shop ways while they’re poor at home with instant Nescafe. 9.) An OOTD by a girl with an unimpressive ass: When you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all. Let’s guess. She’s wearing riding boots, leggings and a fashionable, multi-colored scarf too, right? It’s nothing new; she just wants attention and she’ll do—wait, actually that shirt is kinda cute.
INCLUSIVE ILLINOIS COMMITTEE:
HATE EVERYONE BRIAN BARSOTTI WROTE THIS
8.) A gross hand with a semi-attractive nail polish design: Just because you wasted three hours etching out perfectly straight stripes on your pinky finger doesn’t mean we’re going to be impressed (but we kinda are). Try investing in some Vaseline for those man hands instead of another green OPI shade. 7.) A bouquet of flowers from a boyfriend (who isn’t yours): Well, isn’t that sweet. Your favorite onagain-off-again is obviously back on, and you’re still dating Domino’s delivery and Comcast OnDemand. Although you’re happy he went with the spring mix of lilies and tulips, you wish they were on your kitchen table instead. 6.) A super cute puppy (that also isn’t yours): You brought this on yourself by following 10 different puppy-of-the-day accounts, and now you must suffer the adorable consequences. Your squealing and “aww”ing are almost as annoying as the fact that that dog is cuddling with a jumbo-sized tennis ball and not you.
In January of 2014, the University of Illinois revealed itself to be the most hateful institution this side of the Mason-Dixon Line. After Chancellor Phyllis Wise informed students that school would not be cancelled on what many would argue should’ve been a snow day, students responded in the most appropriate way possible: with racism, sexism and hostility. U of I—afraid that this intolerance would tarnish its image of cultural tolerance (Chief Illiniwek notwithstanding)—initially made the effort to be welcoming to all people. Administrators had been pushing for “an all-inclusive Illinois,” one which doesn’t reject anybody because of who they are. But since that plan fell through, they’ve come up with an even better idea: hating everybody equally.
think men are assholes and women belong in the kitchen, where they can suck my dick” is absolutely deplorable. Such comments foster prejudice, says the IIC, and prejudice is the real enemy here, not hate.
5.) A heavily edited landscape shot: Everyone has a creative side, some just cover it with more sepia tone than others. You can make any main street sidewalk or college quad look good if you crop it just right. And although the grass may look greener somewhere else, that’s just because they changed the contrast.
This policy of hatred does not appeal to all students. Several students, especially those with a kind-hearted disposition, are not willing to get on board with hating all races, genders and sexualities. The Inclusive Illinois Committee has addressed these concerns in a recent Massmail titled “How to Hate.” The email details not only why antipathy is a virtue, but also how you, too, can learn to hate. The email’s main piece of advice? Look for universal qualities in others that piss you off.
3.) A bottle of beer: Bonus points if it’s some obscure, rare craft beer like Three Floyds Zombie Dust. This picture is the humblebrag of alcoholics everywhere who like to show their less-cool friends that they’re drinking on a Tuesday afternoon. Even though you’re not a fan of their choice of brew, a little Monday Funday is always something to be jealous of.
“It’s all part of our goal towards inclusivity,” stated the Inclusive Illinois Committee in an email. “Expressing hatred for an Asian-American woman is not okay, but expressing the same level of hatred for all people, whether they’re Asian-American women or not, is what equality is truly all about.”
In the interest of advocating “equal hate,” many claim that straight, white men should be treated with an exceptional level of animosity, at least for the first few months of the policy’s implementation. The argument is that even though this obviously goes against the principle of equality, straight, white men have been systematically excluded from hate for years, so this would “even things out.” Still, the university maintains the belief that straight, white dudes must be hated only as much as everybody else, since otherwise it’d be inherently unequal.
The original hope was to promote the tolerance and acceptance of every person, regardless of his or her background. However, administrators and students alike agreed this was a lofty ideal, as people are inclined to despise others who are different from themselves. It’s human nature. You’re not going to fit a square peg in a round hole, and you’re not going to get people to like each other. So the Inclusive Illinois Committee rethought their strategy and adopted this new policy of “equal hate.” Students are encouraged to demonstrate vitriol, but not to single out any particular group of people. They’re also expected not to hate different groups of people for different reasons or hate other people if they do this. For example, the statement “I think men and women are both assholes” is acceptable, but the statement “I
Many bleeding hearts believe all that’s needed to make a tolerant world is a few words of encouragement. They think love and acceptance are the keys to equality. However, the Inclusion Illinois Committee knows better. They know that you can’t change the way people feel about one another, which is why hate is the only natural solution. Thus, the IIC is now teaching U of I to express an equal amount of hatred to every group of people. And so today, students in Urbana-Champaign—men, women, whites, blacks, Asians, Hispanics, gay people, straight people, Juggalos—greet each other with an equal-opportunity “fuck you.”
4.) A conspicuous cleavage shot: Coming from the same girl as #9, this picture always seem to be accompanied by #blonde and #blueeyes. It’s perfectly angled so there is little left to the imagination. You gotta admit that she looks like, super cute with that cat eye, but why oh why can’t you snag a pair of jugs like hers?!
2.) An inspirational quote: The reason she put that freaking paragraph about love on Instagram is because it’s too long for Twitter and too revealing for Facebook (like, everyone knows she’s talking about Jason). Why people post pictures of just words is something we’ll never understand, but that last sentence definitely has tattoo potential… 1.) A hamburger/sub sandwich/ice cream sundae: So many layers and colors and types of cheese! It’s a photographer’s dream! Although it makes you look like a carb-munching animal, it makes the rest of the Instagram world hungry and sad, giving you the upper hand. Dammit, you win.
PAGE 10
FRATERNITY BROTHER SEXUALLY ASSAULTED, NOBODY CARES BEVERLY DINGUS WROTE THIS A fraternity brother was allegedly sexually assaulted by a sorority sister, and it appears that nobody cares and everyone wishes he’d just stop talking about it. Reportedly an “Amazonian woman” at Phi Iota Epsilon’s initiation party approached sophomore Doug Micelli last weekend. What happened next was seared into his mind with a gender-reversing iron brand.
Micelli dispiritedly.
Micelli claims that he was talking to some of his brothers when a girl he never met before, “who was much taller than [him], like freakishly tall,” came up from behind and started kissing his neck and put her hands underneath his shirt. Purportedly having an issue with this, Micelli turned around to ask her to stop. “The next thing I knew she latched onto my face like suckerfish eating algae off the side of an aquarium. It was disgusting and slimy, and it felt like it would never end.” It was at this point that Micelli said that he pulled back, told the girl that he was “good” and turned back around.
Pat Jordan, Micelli’s roommate and fraternity brother, witnessed the event and said it was “hilarious.”“His eyes were so wide and watery,” Jordan said, grinning from ear-to-ear. “I could’ve sworn I heard her say ‘I want the little one’ right before walking over to him. And she definitely got him.”
However, the woman’s advances did not end there. “That’s when she grabbed my crotch and said ‘Why, you got somewhere to go?’ in my ear. She tried to talk all sexy, but she really just sounded like a man. Then she plunged her hand in my boxers and grabbed onto my above average penis,” he said, looking guilty. “Okay average,” he continued, as our reporter stared blankly at him. “All right below average, can we move on?” said
Micelli then pulled the girl’s hand out of his pants and told her to leave him alone. That’s when Micelli felt the cold hard sting of female anger across his face. “The slap was pretty powerful,” he said. “I’d peg her at a hard six-two, and I’m a soft five-seven.”
Micelli doesn't find it so amusing and is upset that nobody seems to care about the injustice that was dealt upon him. “If it had been the other way around, people would be up in arms, and our reputation would go down the drain,” whined Micelli. “But this girl is gonna just keep going to frat parties, and I guarantee she’ll stick her Johnny Bench paws in the pants of some other poor short guy.” Although Micelli is outraged by the event, he has been unable to find a single person that cares enough to hear his entire story. “Usually people tell me to shut up and walk away halfway through the story,” Micelli
complained. The Black Sheep has been the first publication to cover Micelli’s story, and that's mostly because it's a slow news week.
grabbed him or else he could’ve been in some real trouble.” Hall also said that Micelli was dressed a little slutty and that he “had it coming with those cargo shorts.”
Women on campus are even more apathetic to the alleged sexual assault. “Oh poor Doug, a girl stuck her hands in his pants. Give me a break. That’s every guy’s dream,” scoffed Morgan Hall, a junior. “Honestly, he’s lucky that he didn’t push her or something when she
“If he really didn’t want that to happen to him, he shouldn’t have had three buttons of his shirt undone,” she asserted. While Hall’s statement is blunt, most agree that Micelli shouldn’t have dressed so promiscuously, and it’s probably his own fault.
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The Bar Grid Page 2 of 3 SPECIAL NIGHT
Through February! $11 64oz Fishbowls $6 32oz Personal Pitchers $2 Fireball Shots
Thursday Night's Show ONE MORE TIME Tribute to DAFT PUNK with HEESH and MOOP
WEDNESDAYS: FRATTLE OF THE DJ'S DJ's Compete to the Finals! $2 Bud Light Bottles $2 Two Gingers Irish Whiskey
FRIDAY! Dan Hubbard, $5, 8:30pm w/ The Sharrows and The Ars Nova
SATURDAY! Stadium Series Hawks vs Penguins 7pm WIN HAWKS TICKETS plus Mardi Gras Everyone Gets Beds! Win 4 Cubs Tickets!
Wednesday 2/26
Wing Night! $0.25 Wings $1.50 High Life, $2 Flavored LITs, $2 Jager Bombs
RED with GEMINI SYNDROME and EMPHATIC (Early Show!) GLOW & FLOW (Late Show) EDM and Dance Music spun by your favorite campus DJs!
FRATTLE OF THE DJS! Week 1!
Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas
Bud Mug Night! You Keep the 25oz Glass Mug Special! Last Chance to Get the Mug! $1 SHOTS, $3.99 Buffalo Chicken 4-10pm, $2 Sailor Jerry
Thursday 2/27
$1 Wells, $2 UV Vodka Drinks $2 Fireball, $2 PBR 16oz Tall Boys, $3 Long Islands, $5 Domestic Pitchers
ONE MORE TIME Tribute to DAFT PUNK with HEESH and MOOP
Closed for a Private Party Book Your Next Event Here! Email us for more info info@cowboy-monkey.com
SHOOT THE PUCK! Win Blackhawks, Soldier Field Tickets! Rangers vs Hawks 6pm $5 Wraps 4-10pm, $2 Wells Half Price Whiskey!
Friday 2/28
$2 Jager Bombs & $2 Wells, $2.50 Miller Lt/Coors Lt, $3 Three Olives Mixers, $3 3O Premium LITs, $3 Hot Shots, $7 Domestic Pitchers, $1 Cherry Bombs & O Bombs
EGi, SOAP, ZARAMELA and ACOUSTICS ANONYMOUS
Happy Hour Food Specials 5pm-9pm, Get a Different Cly's Shirt Every Week!, $3 Monster Mash Ups, $3 Captain Morgan, $3 Jager Bombs, $3 Bud Light Tallboys
Dan Hubbard, $5, 8:30pm w/ The Sharrows and The Ars Nova
FAC Fridays! $3.99 Haus Fries, $2 Leinie Orange Shandy Drafts, $6 Bud Light 40's, $3 Captain Morgan $3 Jim Beam
Saturday 3/1
$2 Jager Bombs & $2 Wells, $2.50 Miller Lt/Coors Lt, $3 Bacardi Mixers, $3 Hot Shots, $7 Pitchers $1 Cherry Bombs & O Bombs
GIRLS NEXT DOOR: ONE NIGHT ONLY (Early Show!) SATURDAY NIGHT LAUGHS (Late Show!) Live Comedy Show!
MARDI GRAS! Everyone Gets Beads! Win a Private Party! $3 Hurricanes $3 Bud Light Bottles
Beat Kitchen Brass Band, $5 Two Sets! 10pm and 11:45pm
Stadium Series Hawks vs Penguins 7pm WIN HAWKS TICKETS plus Mardi Gras Everyone Gets Beds! Win 4 Cubs Tickets!
Book your Next Party at Clybourne! Contact us at CochraneParty@gmail.com or call 217-722-9000
Big Dave's Trivia Night FREE, 7:30PM! $1 Miller High Life Drafts, $2 Miller Lite Drafts, $2 Jameson Shots $5 Red Bull Vodkas, $5 Nacho
$2 ANYTHING Every Liquor...Ever Beer $2! $3.99 for 10 Haus Wings
$2 Bud Light Bottles $2 Two Gingers Irish Whiskey $3 Pinnacle Electric Lemonades
FIREBOMB NIGHT! $1 FIREBALL!, $3 Vegas Bombs, $3 Jager Bombs $4 24oz ICE BOMB DRINKS! Fridays are the SHIrT!
Sunday 3/2
Closed
CLOSED
Monday 3/3
Mason Jar Monday! $2 Double Wells, $2 Buweiser & Bud Light Drafts, $5 Budweiser & Bud Light Pitchers
MONDAY NIGHT HOUSE PARTY! $1 Drink Specials! $2 Manolos Pizza specials! Live local bands each week!
$1 U CALL ITS $2 Voli Premium Vodka
Book Your Next Event Here! Email us for more info info@cowboy-monkey.com
Pop Culture Trivia Night Starts at 7:30pm Win Weekly Prizes! $1 Bud Light Drafts HALF PRICE APPETIZERS $3 Any Craft Beer
Tuesday 3/4
$2 Wells, $2 Domestic Drafts $2 Craft Drafts* *Not all Beers included $2 Shot of the Week
$2 Real Long Islands! CAMPUS COMEDY SHOWCASE: Early! Live comedy from some of CU's funniest! THE PIANO MAN: Late! Playing all your favorites!
$8 Bottles of Wine $8 Bottles of Champagne $2 Bud Light Bottles $2 Wells
Open Mic Night - Free! Sign-Up Starts at 9:30pm $1 Off All Drafts $3 Jameson Shots
FAT TUESDAY! Free Cheeseburgers! 9-10pm with the purchase of any beverage! Everyone Gets Beads! Win Cubs Tickets! $2 Wells - $3 Hurricanes!
Wednesday 3/5
Wing Night! $0.25 Wings $1.50 High Life, $2 Flavored LITs, $2 Jager Bombs
GLOW & FLOW (Late Show) EDM and Dance Music spun by your favorite campus DJs! Come dressed to glow!
FRATTLE OF THE DJ'S Week 2 - DJ's Compete to the Finals! $2 Bud Light Bottles $2 Two Gingers Irish Whiskey
Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas
Bud Mug Night! You Keep the 25oz Glass Mug Special! Last Chance to Get the Mug! $1 SHOTS, $3.99 Buffalo Chicken 4-10pm, $2 Sailor Jerry
He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games than you could ever play.
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The Bar Grid Page 2 of 3 DOWNTOWN
SPECIAL NIGHT
EVERY DAY! $4 Fireball Shots $4 StrawBerRitas
Risque Thursday! $3 Imports, $5 Long Islands, $5 Sex on the Beach
WEDNESDAYS: $2 Redd's $3 Redd Devils $2 Fireball
FRI/SAT: $10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm
Sat: Mardi Gras Party! Show Us YourBeads! $3 Bacardi Hurricanes & Blue Guys Prizes for Most Beads!
Wednesday 2/26
$2.50 Red Stripe, $3 Jack Daniels, $3 Bacardi Redbull
Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!
$2 Redd's $3 Redd Devils $2 Fireball
GREEK NIGHT! Wear Your Letters, Get a Small Pizza for $1! Half Off Drafts! (Except Miller High Life) $1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells, $2 Imports
Customer Appreciation Night! $1 Bud and Bud Light Bottles, $1 Wells $2 Blue Guys
Thursday 2/27
$3 Drafts, $4 White Russians, $4 RumChata Colada
Risque Thursday! $3 Imports, $5 Long Islands, $5 Sex on the Beach
$2 Bud Light (Drafts) $2 Captain $2 Jager Bombs
$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors
KLUB KAM’S THURSDAYS! $2 UV Drinks, $3 Blue Guys $2 Hot Stuff Shots, $3 Captain Morgan, $5 KamsIslands, $2 Lite/Coors Lt Bottles & Drafts $6 Pitchers, Live DJ!
$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy, $5 Jagerbombs
DJ Delayney at 10pm, $4 Double Wells, Free Before 10:30 w/ Student ID
$6 Shandy Pitchers (Orange, Lemon Berry, Summer) $3 Jim Beam, $3 Pinnacle
$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm
Saturday 3/1
Catch all the games here!
De Noche! Free Salsa Dance Class at 9pm, Dancing til 2am! $6 Beer + Shot Combo, $3 Select Beers, $3 Rum + Cola
$6 Lunchbox Pitchers $3 Bacardi $3 American Harvest
$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm
Kam's Mardi Gras Party! Show Us Your Beads! $3 Bacardi Hurricanes & Blue Guys, Prizes for Most Beads!, Come Early for IL vs. MSU at 3PM
Sunday 3/2
$5 Nachos, $6 Wings, $4 Bloody Marys, $5 Pitchers of Miller and Bud Light, $3 Vodka Redbull
Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gamil.com
$11 Build Your Own Bucket (BYOB) $2 Jager Bombs $2 Don Q and Blackbeard
$2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells, $5 Personal Pizzas with 2 Toppings $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders
Sunday Funday! $2 U CALL IT (Domestic, Craft & Import Bottles, Domestic & Craft Drafts, Well Drinks & Shots), $5 Pitchers
Monday 3/3
$2 Bud Light and Miller Lite Drafts, $3 Jameson, 1/2 off Apps after 8pm
Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gamil.com
MNJ! $2 Bud Platinum Bottles $2 Smirnoff Drinks/Shots $3 RBV with Smirnoff
$1.50 High Life Drafts! $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders
$2 U CALL IT (Domestic, Craft & Import Bottles, Domestic & Craft Drafts, Well Drinks & Shots) $5 Pitchers
Tuesday 3/4
$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells
Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gamil.com
Tequila Tuesday and 8th Grade Dance! $2 Blue Moon $2 Cuervo featuring Cinge All 90s, All Night!
1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)
$1 Coors, Coors Lt. Bottles & Drafts, $1.50 Bourbons $3 Blue Guys, $2 Fireball & Doctor Shots, $3 Redds & Fireball or Rootbeer Beers
Wednesday 3/5
$2.50 Red Stripe, $3 Jack Daniels, $3 Bacardi Redbull
Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!
$2 Redd's $3 Redd Devils $2 Fireball
GREEK NIGHT! Wear Your Letters, Get a Small Pizza for $1! Half Off Drafts! (Except Miller High Life) $1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells, $2 Imports
Service Industry Night! $1 Bud and Bud Light Bottles, $1 Wells $2 Blue Guys
Friday 2/28
Throwback Happy Hour! 80’s & 90’s Jams (3-10pm) DJ Delicato Spinning at 10pm!
$1.75 16oz Lite Cans & Coors Banquet Bottles, $6 Pitchers & Lunch Boxes, $3 Pinnacle Blue Guys, Jim Beam & Red Stag, Cinnabon & Chata Shots
Country Night!
Party w/ the Fireball Girls!
THROWBACK THURSDAY DANCE PARTY! #ClubGeos #TBTDanceParty
$4 High Life Pitchers, $2 U Call it, $2 Soco Lime
UNDERGROUND PRESENTS TBT “CLUB GEO’S” The Bar Grid Page 3 of 3
Thirsty Thursday! $2 All Domestic Beers, $2 All Well Drinks
Trivia Every Sunday @ 10 Bar Bingo Every Monday @ 10
THURSDAY! SHACKER NIGHT! $5 SHACKERS with Monster Energy, $2 UV Vodka $2 Hot Stuff Shots $3 Bud Light Bottles
Underground Presents TBT "Club Geo's" Throwback Thursday Dance Party! $4 High Life Pitchers, $2 U Call it, $2 Soco Lime
SATURDAY: A Cool Hand plays live from 10:30pm - 1 am! NO COVER! $3 Captain and Crown! Captain Morgan Girls 11:30-1AM
SPECIAL NIGHT
$2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles
Logo Mug Night! Shock Top $2.50 Sailor Jerry Singles $5 Pinnacle and 2 Ginger Irish Whiskey Doubles, $2.50 Orchata and Fireball, $6 PBR and Hamm's Pitchers, $4 Jager Bombs
BUCKET NIGHT! $3 Natty Light Pitchers, $4 Jim Beam Buckets, $4 Pinnacle Vodka Buckets, $4 Cruzan Rum Buckets, $2 Rum Chata Shots
$4 High Life Pitchers $2 U Call It $3 Jager and Vegas Bombs $4 Car Bombs
$0.50 Jumbo Wings, $1 Tenders, $7.50 Rum & Cola Pitchers, $7.50 Miller & Coors Pitchers, $2 Fireball and Doctor Karaoke Night w/ DJ Outlaw!
Wednesday 2/26
Thirsty Thursday! $2 All Domestic Beers, $2 All Well Drinks
$2.50 Blue Moon, Green Line, Rebel IPA, 312, Lagunitas Pints, $2.50 Red Stripe, Corona, Left Hand Stout, Heineken, Smirnoff Ice Bottles, $2.50 Bacardi and Malibu Singles, $5 Jameson Doubles, $4 Murphy's Pub Bomb
SHACKER NIGHT! $5 SHACKERS with Monster Energy, $2 UV Vodka $2 Hot Stuff Shots $3 Bud Light Bottles
Burger Night! $1 Burgers 8pm - Midnight $4 High Life Pitchers, $2 U Call it, $2 Soco Lime
1/2 off Sandwiches after 4pm Das Boot! $3 Boot, $5 Fill All Drafts (except Guinness) $3 Jim, Jack and Soco, $2 Horse-Chata
Thursday 2/27
BIG FRIDAY! No Cover Charge
$3 Sam Adams Family Pints $2.50 Wild Turkey Singles $5 Skyy Doubles, $2.50 Jose Cuervo and Blackbeard Shots, $4 Jager Bombs
Open at 5pm! $1 FRATTY NATTY BOTTLES, $3 Jager Bombs $3 Vegas Bombs
$4 High Life Pitchers, $2 U Call it
1/2 off German Sausage Meals after 4pm $2.50 Coronas $3.50 Bacardi Flavors
Friday 2/28
SOLO CUP SATURDAY! No Cover Charge
$2.50 Jameson Singles $5 Bacardi and Malibu Doubles $2.50 Jose Cuervo Shots $4 Jager Bombs
$2 LONG ISLANDS!
$2 U Call It $4 Pitchers
A Cool Hand plays live from 10:30pm - 1 am! NO COVER! $3 Captain and Crown! Captain Morgan Girls 11:30-1AM
Saturday 3/1
Sunday Funday! $3 All Drafts
Trivia Starts @ 10pm! $2.50 Blue Moon, Green Line, Rebel IPA, 312, Lagunitas Pints $2.50 Red Stripe, Corona, Left Hand Stout, Heineken, Smirnoff Ice Bottles, $2.50 Orchata and Dr McGillicuddy, $6 PBR and Hamm's Pitchers, $4 Murphy's Pub Bomb
Book your next party at Red Lion! Contact us at CochraneParty@gmail.com or call 217-722-9000
Closed Eat some chicken strips at Papa D's!
11am - 3pm: Rehab Breakfast $3 Bloody Mary's, $1 Domestics & Wells
Sunday 3/2
"Beer Lovers Night" $2 All Domestics $3.50 All Imports
Bar Bingo Starts @ 10pm $3 Blue Moon and Angry Orchard Pints, $2.50 Pinnacle and 2 Ginger Irish Whiskey Singles, $5 Sailor Jerry Doubles, $2.50 Jose Cuervo Shots
Monday Night Lion! $1 WELLS, $2 ILLINI LONG ISLANDS, $2 SAILOR JERRY $3 MEV’S – MONSTER VODKA’S
$3 High Life Pitchers $1 U Call It $0.50 Pizza Slices (8pm - 12am)
1/2 Off Burgers! $1 Wells, Domestic Drafts and Shots
Monday 3/3
$2.50 Domestic Drafts $3.50 All Other Drafts
$4 Guinness, Smithwicks and Triptych Pints, $2.50 Blackbeard Rum and Jim Beam Singles, $2.50 Fireball and Orchata, $2 Old Style, PBR, Schlitz, Miller Lite Tall Boys
$2 Long Islands $2 Bud Family Bottles $2 Hot Stuff Shots
$4 High Life Pitchers $1 U Call It $1 Chicken Strips (8pm -12am)
Happy Fat Tuesday! $3 Hurricane Buckets, $2 Miller Lite Pints, $2 Purple Pops and Beads Beads Beads! $1 Tacos ALL DAY!
Tuesday 3/4
$2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles
Logo Mug Night! Killian's $2.50 Sailor Jerry Singles $5 Pinnacle and 2 Ginger Irish Whiskey Doubles, $2.50 Orchata and Fireball, $6 PBR and Hamm's Pitchers, $4 Jager Bombs
BUCKET NIGHT! $3 Natty Light Pitchers, $4 Jim Beam Buckets, $4 Pinnacle Vodka Buckets, $4 Cruzan Rum Buckets, $2 Rum Chata Shots
$4 High Life Pitchers $2 U Call It $3 Jager and Vegas Bombs $4 Car Bombs
$0.50 Jumbo Wings, $1 Tenders, $7.50 Rum & Cola Pitchers, $7.50 Miller & Coors Pitchers, $2 Fireball and Doctor Karaoke Night w/ DJ Outlaw!
Wednesday 3/5
#ELLENOIS PICS
SEND US YOUR PARTY PICS TO PICS@THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
ON THE STREETS IF YOU COULD HAVE SOMETHING NAMED AFTER YOU, WHAT WOULD IT BE AND WHY? d St u d e n t Tiffany, Gra
“A Mountain Dew flavor ‘cause I know Max Moss will drink it.”
r Ellen, Junio
“A burrito because my obsession with ‘rritos is real. I need to be recognized for my passion.”
r Haley, Junio
“Change the name of the Big Mac to the Big Haley because I’m a little fat girl.”
BARTENDERS of the WEEK Relationship Status: Two girlfriends with funny hats are pretty good. Major: Elementary education Favorite Drink: Crown and Mr. Coke Favorite Shot: The flu one Disgusting Drink: Prairie fire: tequila and hot sauce. Only do this if you want to immediately shit your pants. What liquor, to you, most screams, “I’m a freshman!”?: It’s not the liquor that screams freshman, it’s just the way that they suck so bad. What alcoholic product would make the best perfume?: Peach Bird Dog Whiskey If you could change one thing about Facebook, what would it be?: One half of a quarter less stupid stuff. Who do you most want to have a tickle fight with and why?: Michael Kang because awww :)))) What did you find out last time you Googled yourself?: A Katie Halstead was teacher of the year! You’d wear a diaper for a week if…: Ryan Ferm licks his own ass. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because Gracie Haka.
KATIE of
The Red Lion
DRINKING GAME Saucy Skyscraper When flip cup and beer bongin’ cheap beer just doesn’t do it for you anymore, it’s time to pull out the fancy stuff. This game involves some minor engineering skills, though, so get your nerdy friends to have some fun with you for once. What You’ll Need: A die, 1 shot glass, 3 cups, bottle of tequila, case of beer, bottle of wine, some sort of whiskey or rum, Coke (or any other mixer you want), and a bunch of sturdy coasters. Number of Players: As many as you want! Level of Intoxication: Just hope lady luck is on your side or things can turn ugly. How to Play: - Make a tower of drinks in the following order (top to bottom): shot glass of tequila, half-filled cup of a mixed drink, full cup of a mixed drink, full cup of white wine, and a can of beer. - When you stack up the drinks, put a coaster in between each layer. If this is just like, way too difficult for you to handle, you can place them in order on the table instead. (It’s not really a Saucy Skyscraper then. It’s more like a Liquor Line.) - Players take turns rolling the die. The first person to roll a 6 takes the shot of tequila. - Continue rolling until the next person gets a 6. He or she must then remove the coaster. The next person to roll a 6 drinks the half-cup mixed drink. - The game continues in this way—waiting for players to roll a 6, removing the coasters and drinking up. - While playing, always wait for the person to finish their drink before rolling the die, EXCEPT for the beer. As soon as someone rolls a 6 and is stuck drinking the beer, the rest of the players pass the die, trying to roll a 6 before the beer is gone. - If the drinker finishes the beer first, all the other players have to take a shot. If someone rolls a 6 before the beer is done, the drinker must finish the can and then take a shot as well. The Game Ends When: You finish the tower and still have enough alcohol to build another one!
DOWNLOAD OUR FREE APP FOR ALL THE GAMES!
DAN of
Clybourne
Relationship Status: Very single ... (especially at 2a.m.). Major: Booze bagging Favorite Drink: A cup of tequila Favorite Shot: SAKE BOMBS Disgusting Drink: Alcohol-free water What liquor, to you, most screams, “I’m a freshman!”?: Blue Guys What alcoholic product would make the best perfume?: A Goldschlager, Fireball and RumChata mix If you could change one thing about Facebook, what would it be?: CEO: Dan Bell Who do you most want to have a tickle fight with, and why?: Julia Same. That one is self explanatory. What did you find out last time you Googled yourself?: “Another” Dan Bell is wanted for sexual assault in Kansas. You’d wear a diaper for a week if…: It meant I wouldn’t have to leave my barstool. What’s the deal with airplane food?: Not sure, I fly first class, it’s deec up there. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: What else would we read? Textbooks?
RECIPE for DISASTER Chocolate-Covered Bacon Two of the world’s greatest creations combined together can only mean one thing: a sweet and crunchy mouth orgasm. Skip the gym today, stay home in your favorite sweatpants and turn on that Law & Order: SVU marathon, baby. The only place you’re going is chocolate-covered bacon heaven. What You’ll Need: 1 pound of thick cut bacon (DON’T be cute and get turkey bacon), 12 ounces of white chocolate, 12 ounces of dark chocolate, 12 ounces of milk chocolate, 12 ounces of more chocolate just for the hell of it, and any toppings you want (sprinkles, crushed nuts, more bacon, etc.) Cook Time: 30-45 minutes Fatty Factor: You can’t have too much of a good thing. Let’s Get Baked: - Preheat your oven to 375 degrees and line a baking sheet with parchment paper. - Bake the bacon in the oven for 20 minutes until it’s nice and crispy. - Let the bacon cool for a few minutes before putting the slices on paper towels to soak up the extra grease. - Melt your chocolate on very low heat in different pots over the stove. You should probably do them one at a time because we know you’re not good at multitasking and because chocolate can burn pretty easily. - Using tongs, dip a slice of bacon into your chocolate of choice and make sure both sides are coated. Lay the dipped pieces down on a clean sheet of parchment paper. - Sprinkle the freshly-dipped bacon with your toppings—sprinkles, more crunchy bacon bits, cinnamon, crushed almonds, anything you want! Let the chocolate sit for a few minutes or put them in the refrigerator until they’re hard. Eat up!
NOMNOMNOMNOM THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
PAGE 17
BOOZE REVIEW McAFEE’S BENCHMARK OLD NO. 8 BROWN SUGAR BOURBON
GRADE: A WRITTEN BY: KITTY KAT
People always make fun of those weirdos out there who seem constantly hyped up on cocaine or a bad batch of 5-hour Energy. We’ve discovered how you can be one of those weirdos in a much more socially acceptable way: alcohol. McAfee’s Brown Sugar Bourbon smells and tastes like a sugar rush but doesn’t leave you with an icky headache and red teeth like a bottle of wine.
User Comments: “Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker!” “Are you sure this is alcohol and not maple syrup?” “WEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!"
Smells Like: A potentially sugary sweet hangover that you don’t mind having in the morning.
What Your Little Brother Would Say if They Saw You Drinking This: “Is this what all alcohol tastes like? Wow, college is gonna be fun!”
Tastes Like: Gooey toffee bites triple-dipped in chocolate and sprinkled with cinnamon sugar. Typical Drinkers: Walt Disney World employees, infomercial hosts selling products you never thought you’d need, every single SNL cast member past or present, and Cold Stone workers who actually sing when they get tips instead of pretending like they didn’t see the money drop.
An Apt Anagram of “Benchmark Brown Sugar”: Bar Man Buck Grew Horns?!
You’ll Like This if You Like: Indulging in a sweet tooth and taking it one step too far—you start snorting lines of Fun Dip and filling your mouth with as many chocolate-covered raisins as it can handle. Food Pairing Suggestion: Maybe something to offset all the sweetness? Like salty potato chips or sour gummy worms? We Mixed it With: Coke Zero
NOW LEASING FOR FALL 2014 LMOCUALTTIIOPLNES! 1,2,3,4 AND 5 BEDROOM APARTMENTS ON CAMPUS 2-10 BEDROOM HOUSES AVAILABLE
SCHEDULE AN APPOINTMENT TODAY! GREENSTREALTY.COM • 217-356-8750
PAGE 18
New Rules in ARC Strength Training Area Enforced by Capital Punishment HEAVY METAL KRIST WROTE THIS Butch Tannehill, supervisor of the strength training area at the ARC, has noticed a disturbing trend unfold in the recreation center’s weight lifting zone. “My domain has been infested with lifting newbies and other weaklings who are completely oblivious to gym etiquette,” Tannehill said while furiously shaking his protein bottle. “I figured three weeks after the semester started those pretenders would run back to the sissy cardio area upstairs where they belong and leave the big boys alone to get swole. Instead, the issue is getting worse.” Specifically, Tannehill said he's upset with people not re-racking the weights they use, putting free weights in the wrong spot, and not cleaning the equipment after they’re done using it with their “gross little muscles.” “This area wasn’t designed for you to play grab-ass with your spotter-
sister and get in the way of all the real lifters. If you want that, go to Planet Fitness. I’m trying to run a real gym down here,” Tannehill said as he popped a handful of pills from a bottle and took a deep breath. “I’m putting my foot down. The violation of rules, the disregard for gym etiquette—all of that’s coming to an end. If those wussies can’t handle following simple rules, they shouldn’t be down here. It's survival of the fittest in my gym, and only the buff survive.” The first, most important rule on Tannehill’s list bans lifters from doing curls on the squat racks. “If you were meant to do curls on it, it’d be called the 'curl rack,'” Tannehill scoffed, as he stuffed a spoonful of Jack3d pre-workout powder in his mouth. “Every time I see some string-bean using improper form to curl the bar on the squat rack with a five-pound weight on each side, I get so angry I feel like all the veins in my neck are popping out.”
Tannehill stopped for a moment to calm his breathing and throw in a few stretches. “Starting today, if you’re seen doing curls at the squat rack, we’re going to use the rack to hang, draw and quarter you. Then we’re going to leave your carcass there as a reminder to everyone that unless you want to end up like Curly, you’d better use the squat rack for the one goddamn thing it was designed for.” The new rules also address the complaints gym-goers have had about long waiting times at individual stations due to groups of people taking too much time in between sets. “Having a spotter and taking a break between sets is understandable,” Tannehill said. “But the group does not get a collective two minute rest period because one guy just got done bench pressing the bar. It’s common bro code, really.” Tannehill says the lollygaggers will be taken out back
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and lined up in front of a firing squad that will be instructed to shoot at one individual’s non-vital organs every three or four minutes so they feel the pain of waiting that they bring upon their fellow lifters. ARC users will now also be required to abide by a mandatory minimum weight policy when performing exercises. “From now on when you do any barbell exercises, you have to have at least a 45-pound plate on each side,” Tannehill explained while filling a syringe neatly labeled “HGH” to inject himself in the ass. “I’m also getting rid of all the dumbbells that weigh less than 50 pounds. How are you supposed to impress the chicks and carry home their groceries if you’re only shoulder pressing 10-pounds an arm? We have a reputation to live up to down here. Your punishment is simple: shame. Maybe the fourpound women’s fitness bars in the cardio area are more your speed.”
Rounding out the list of new rules is a fresh punishment for breaking the facility-mandated rules—including re-racking weights and spraying equipment with sanitizer after use. “I’m going to hit those delinquents where it really hurts them—their legs. Why do you think they’re doing curls at the squat rack in the first place?” Tannehill said, as he mainlined androstenedione
into his system. “I’m going to stick them on the leg press machine and make them do reps until their legs give out and they smoosh together like a peanut butter and banana sandwich. That’ll tech ‘em.” The rules are effective immediately, and Tannehill will be in attendance at all times, looking out for rule breakers.
CONTINUED FROM THE COVER Experts said they believe the note to be written just hours before the snow exposed itself to 50-plus degree sunlight earlier this week, melting itself in clear daylight, to the screams of many who witnessed the initial effects on its visible surface. Some students immediately turned around and began walking, even running, in the opposite direction when they first realized the snow had began to melt, while pools of water began gushing out from the bottom of its surface. “It was one of the most gruesome things I've seen in my entire, 18-year-old life,” freshman Gretchen Grumble said. “I can't get the image out of my head. Just, when I saw the water pouring down the sidewalk right in the middle of the Quad, I asked myself, 'Is this all really worth it?'” “The cold casualty has been a recurring issue for the past billion or so years,” Atul Jain, the university's expert on climate change, told reporters Monday night. “I'd say it happens about once a year,” the professor said. “It's really quite sad that it's the year 2014, and we still can't find a way for the snow to coexist in our society year-round. Every year we go through the same thing. The same reactions, the same issues. Yet, nothing ever changes. It's sickening, to be brutally honest.” While some students have offered their deep and regretful sympathy for the university's loss of the snow, a vibrant part of the campus' community for the past three months, others have strong opinions on the snow's decision to melt itself. “If it really wanted to end it and melt itself, then just let it be,” sophomore Michael Phillips told reporters Tuesday evening. “I, for one, didn't want it here anyways. All the snow ever did was cause problems for the rest of us on campus and if fixing those problems and making our individual lives a little bit more convenient meant that the snow needed to melt itself, then so be it. It wasn't my problem and it sure as hell isn't now.” President Easter addressed the campus community at a candlelight vigil on the Quad last evening, calling for all students on campus to do their part in making sure all feel accepted and welcomed when coming to the university. “It's our duty to make sure everyone feels as if they're a part of the Illini family while they're here,” Easter said. “Even if it gets a little icy at times or even if they act a little cold toward you, it's your human responsibility to make sure other snowfalls in the future feel at home here at the University of Illinois and don't melt themselves because no one made an effort to make them feel welcomed.” The university's atmospheric experts told reporters that they don't expect anymore snowfall in the coming weeks, but said if a new snowfall does arrive on campus, it doesn't stand a chance.
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Survivor Ratings Falter, More Boobs Is The Answer Hugh Jass wrote this
After the Survivor: Caramoan season finale hit an all-time low of a paltry 10.16 million viewers, producers decided that they needed to do something drastic to bring the show’s waning viewership out of a tailspin. But reenergizing a program that was faltering as it approached its 30th season was not going to be a cakewalk. After running through various scenarios that included tribes composed of pro athletes, deposed politicians, and washed-up singers, producers finally settled upon a format for the 28th season. The show’s development staff unanimously decided that there needed to be more boobs on prominent display. In order to do that while appearing politically correct, they divided the tribes by the traits of “Brawn, Brains, Beauty.” Unfortunately, the season premiere of Cagayan did not fare nearly as well as CBS analysts predicted, and it left producers of the show scrambling. “We really messed up on this one. There weren’t nearly enough boobs, and the Brain tribe was just plain awful,” said producer Jeff Probst. “Everybody hates nerds, that’s why we gave them all swirlies in junior high. I don’t know what we were thinking.” Probst, along with the other producers, put together a crack focus group to confirm suspicions of where they went wrong. Unsurprisingly their fears were correct, and the focus groups demonstrated that people cared least for the Brain tribe, with reasons ranging from “They ain’t got no nice titties on ‘em” to “If I wanted to watch a bunch of ugly, unfunny brainiacs I’d be tuning into The Big Bang Theory.” Probst and the producers had forgotten the golden rule of reality television: intelligence has no place in it. “People who watch reality television fall into two camps,” explained Probst. “The first camp is made up of people who want to laugh at the subjects and feel more secure about their lives. Take Jersey Shore for example. They look and those idiots and say ‘I might be a slut, but hey, at least I’m not as bad as Snooki!’ The second camp of people wants to see catfights and look at boobs,” Probst adjusted his crotch, attempting to conceal his enthusiasm. “Personally, I fall into the second camp, which is partially why we went the direction that we did.”
“If I wanted to watch a bunch of ugly, unfunny brainiacs I’d be tuning into The Big Bang Theory.” With Survivor being filmed in the summer and broadcast months later, altering the show was going to be an issue. However, all the participants were rounded back up to re-film, except for one group. “We completely took the Brain team off the island, and replaced them with models from the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition,” a wild-eyed Probst claimed. “The season is also being rebranded with the three tribes representing Brawn, Boobies, and More Boobies. We figured we’d stop pulling punches and call a spade a spade.” Probst tapped six models from the 2014 Swimsuit Edition roster. Among the newly-added contestants is Kate Upton, two-time cover girl for Sports Illustrated. “We’re thrilled that we were able to snag her. Without her we would’ve really had some problems reaching our DD-cup quota, but she gave us a lot of headroom” Probst said, grinning from ear to ear. Probst is especially excited for Hannah Davis to be joining the cast. “She’s one of my favorites. Her body is perfection, and I’m very excited to be only feet away from her in a swimsuit,” he raved, excusing himself to the bathroom. Early polls are demonstrating that the show may nearly double its viewership when the new cast makes its debut. “We’ve been toying with the idea of having a live episode and there being a ‘wardrobe malfunction.’ The money we’ll reap in viewership numbers will far outweigh whatever fine gets stamped on us. This is off the record, right?” a very sweaty Jeff Probst asked. “I didn’t even realize that show was still on television, but if there is even the slightest chance that Kate Upton’s top might fall off I’ll be watching every episode,” said Sam Dean, a recent graduate. “Hell, I sat through all of Piranha 3D because there were some topless broads in it, I can deal with Survivor.” There will also be new challenges to capitalize on the new cast. “I’m really looking forward to the kissing contests, which I’m going to be judging of course,” Probst chortled. Season 28 will also see the addition of contests like a slow motion jogging challenge as well as bikini mud wrestling. However, the original Beauty team is not happy with the addition of the swimsuit models. “I was supposed to be salivated over. I was supposed to be the one everyone was talking about. Now they bring in all these models and I’m playing second fiddle,” scowled Morgan McLeod. McLeod is not alone, as many of the other members of the Beauty squad have complained as well. “I was brought here on the grounds that I would be able to flirt my way through the entire competition. Forcing me to use my other, less developed skills is completely unfair and not what I signed up for,” stated former beauty pageant contestant and current trophy wife Kelly Demming. Upper management at CBS was initially concerned that the addition of models to the program wouldn’t be catering to the female audience enough, but a short meeting with all the castmates changed that. “The girls really got into it at our first meeting, it was wild. There was hair pulling, screaming, the whole nine yards,” said Probst with a smile. “This is starting to become The Real Housewives of Survivor, and chicks love that type of garbage.” While it has become clear that Survivor is on its last legs, producers believe they can squeeze out a dozen more seasons with the new format. “We figure that as long as people are still tuning into TLC to watch 600-pound people try to live their lives, there is a place for Survivor on the dial. Especially if the show has lots of boobs. And exciting challenges, but mostly boobs,” said Probst as he grabbed a bottle of lotion and left the room.
THE KEANU REEVES SHUFFLE Do you know what movies all of these Keanu Reeves characters are from? Email us at backpage@theblacksheeponline.com. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!
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PAGE 23
Girl to Leave Bike in Apartment Year-Round WINNIE BAGO WROTE THIS
Lula Greg has already decided not to take her bicycle out of her apartment come spring. In fact, it's been reported she may ask Campus Property Management if it can become a permanent fixture in her apartment. Greg first hauled her bike up four flights of stairs when snow first fell this winter in fear that the elements would ruin the tires or her ride’s spacethemed paint job. “Whenever I walked home, I noticed a lot of other people had their bikes on their balconies,” Greg said. “But, I don’t have a balcony, so I put it in my living room.” For the past few months, Greg’s bike has been the main centerpiece of the apartment, taking up the majority of her small living room and the entire view of the only decently-sized window in the place. Those who believe inanimate objects have feelings may argue Greg did this so that the bike could see the outdoor world, keeping it from feeling trapped inside. Greg says otherwise; it was the only place her bike could fit.
In order to optimize their living space, Greg and her roommates began hanging their coats on the bike, instead of on the floor where things usually end up. The blinds over the window where the bike also have not been opened for two months, leaving the apartment with a cave-like ambiance. “I don’t want people to walk by, see my bike, break in and steal it,” Greg said. “Sure it makes the place a bit more depressing, but I’m pretty protective of my belongings.” The bike has been safe and sound in the apartment, blocking the heating vent in the living room; yet, Greg said she's grown to “love and appreciate” her bike being in the living room. “At first, it was kind of annoying, to be honest. But it grew on me. It really makes the room,” Greg said. “Maybe it’s because it adds an industrial feel to the apartment, sort of like those stylish,
industrial apartments in big cities with exposed piping and stuff.” While coats still hang on her beloved form of transportation, Greg has also added potted plants around the bike and draped Christmas string lights over it. She even brought a lounge chair from home to place next to it. “It’s become my favorite study space,” Greg said. “The bike and all that it embodies is really inspirational and motivating.”
room than I do. The piece of shit should start paying rent.”
Greg’s roommates are not as fond of the bike. One roommate of three, Samantha Brown, has been the most vocal about the bike being in the apartment for so long.
Greg doesn’t understand Brown’s resentment. “It’s not like the bike is eating her food in the fridge or taking too long in the shower,” Greg said. “She’s just overreacting.”
“Sure, I’ve put my bike in the apartment during winter before,” Brown said. “But that was only for a couple of days until my dad came to visit and took my bike home. Hers has been up here forever and gets to spend more time in the living
As for the future, Greg has no plans on moving her bike, even when the lease ends in August. She hopes to make this a tradition, improving the look of all the apartments she lives in.
“I’m working on a DIY 'Bike in Your Apartment' page on Pinterest right now,” Greg said. “It’s to show other students how much a bike can change from just a recreational tool into a part of your family.” Brown said the bike is not going to strain her relationship with Greg nor will it prompt her to move out and that she’s going to start using it to her benefit. “I’m coming to terms and seeing it as a free exercise bike I can ride around the apartment,” Brown said. “We’ll see how long Lula puts up with that.”
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