Illinois - Issue 6 - 9/25/2014 by The Black Sheep

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UIUC Professor Tries to Get Fired for Controversial Tweets Squirrel Man wrote this Rupert Rufflesworth, a philosophy professor at U of I, was immediately inspired upon hearing about Steven Salaita, a UIUC professor who made offensive posts online and had his job revoked. “For over a decade I’ve been trying to get fired for the shit I say in the classroom – who knew the internet could do the job so quickly?” said Rufflesworth, who admitted to being “an attention whore who says edgy things just for shock value.” He’s known by his students for putting forth philosophical arguments such as “Maybe it’s good that people in the Third World are starving” and “If you think about it, slavery wasn’t such a bad thing after all.” Mere minutes after the news of Salaita’s tweets broke, Rufflesworth created a Twitter account. He proceeded to write several of the most vile, inexcusable tweets he could think of. The Black Sheep has provided just a few of his tweets below:

Tonight I’m going home to jack off while watching #Titanic. Nothing gets me off like white people drowning. #winning Rufflesworth’s tweets have been up for over a month, and much to his surprise, they haven’t stirred any serious controversy. This has left the professor greatly disappointed. He hoped that losing his job would give him infamy, as well as the chance to sue the University of Illinois. “Why in God’s nonexistent name haven’t they fired me?” asked the attention-seeking professor. “My tweets were way more terrible than that little shit Salaita’s were. Do I have to tweet the N-word? I’ll do it if that’s what it takes.”

Why is bestiality illegal? We can kill animals, but we can’t fuck ‘em? I thought sex was good and murder was bad. #makelovenotwar

Despite the willfully offensive nature of Professor Rufflesworth’s comments, U of I says it will not reprimand him for his tweets. “The University of Illinois certainly does not agree with the comments made by Mr. Rufflesworth,” stated one member of the UIUC Board of Trustees, which voted 9-0 to force Rufflesworth to remain on tenure. “However, that is not to say he shouldn’t be allowed to express his thoughts. U of I respects our staff’s First Amendment right to speak freely, no matter how harsh or insensitive their speech may be.”

These @ISIS guys sound pretty cool. How do I join? #LBS

After a couple of final tweets attempting to piggyback off of Salaita’s controversy –

America should euthanize the elderly. Without seniors our taxes would be lower and the DMV wouldn’t reek of Depends. #socialsecuritysolved

involving Rufflesworth supporting both sides of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict in equally offensive manners while linking Bitly URLs to scatological porn and shock sites – the philosophy professor seems to be losing steam and has accepted a defeatist demeanor toward his crusade. “I don’t know what you people want any-

more,” sighed a depressed Rufflesworth. “I even copy and pasted that douchebag Salaita’s same exact tweets and added links to that one guy who crushed a glass jar inside his own asshole from a couple years back. Twitter hasn’t even issued me a single account termination warning.”

Until Salaita’s case is closed, it sounds like there’s only room for one high-profile Twitter controversy on this campus. For now, Rufflesworth is stuck apathetically telling freshmen philosophy majors that God isn’t real, albeit this time with less spirit.

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THE LECTURE GAMES: SPOTTING “THAT GUY” IN YOUR INTRO COURSES

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CABBIN’IT A man or woman who refuses to walk anywhere.

Peter, a total cabbin’it, handed the driver a $5 for the 1/8th mile ride to 7-Eleven.

The above phrase is either a gross sex euphemism or a serial killer’s nickname. Which is it? Let us know by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize! Check back next week for this week’s answer!

THE BLACK SHEEP LETTER

to the

EDITOR

Dear Tex Mex, I thought I could handle it, but after a solid month of aggressive, hardcore porn sound effects, I can’t stand my roommate’s sex life anymore. At first, I thought it would be kind of cool having a roomie who lands so much poon all of the time, but with the number of girls he has coming over, it’s really cutting into my weekend masturbation sessions. I’ve had to fap in our floor’s communal bathroom for the past five weeks. I’m pretty sure if I clog one more shower drain, I’m going to be written up. How can I tell my roomie to turn it down a notch?

romp dream of splitting with his high school sweetheart and hooking up to substitute for the emotional emptiness. It’s the sexual equivalent to having your shallow cake and eating it too (you’re goddamn right that pun is intended). The one thing you can do is to wait for your roommate to grow tired and hollowed out from the same routine nights of having sex and waking up knowing that he’ll never attain level of intimacy that he secretly desires from one-night stands, watching girls come and go while he spends his Sunday afternoons staring out the window longing for the woman he once held so intently.

Sincerely, A Frustrated Fapper

…But since you don’t have the time to deal with your roommate’s stagnant, innermost emotional issues, you could always just jerk off in plain sight right in front of him and his lady friends. You’ll be taking a huge hit in the dignity department, but your Pornhub search history has probably done all the dirty work for you already.

Dear Perpetual Incognito User, First off, there’s really no way to tell your roommate to “turn it down a notch.” If that dude is networking with slam buddies on a weekly basis, he ain’t stopping anytime soon. For as seldom as it happens, every once and a while, a lucky freshman gets to live his college-straight-to-DVD-

Have a sad cum bb, Tex Mex

PLAY ALONG! @BLACKSHEEP_UIUC

local celebs

Brother Jedd’s Scandalous Sex Tape Discovered

Previously thought to be a myth, The Black Sheep has confirmed that anyone who views Brother Jedd’s scandalous sex tape will die after seven days. It’s impossible to know how many people this sex tape has taken from the world or the hundreds of people harmed in the production of this tape, but we’ve been able to piece together how the latest group of casualties died. The Latest Case: According to friends and family, two weeks ago, junior Caroline Morton and her boyfriend Noah Bridges were staying at the iHotel for a “romantic staycation.” The couple booked a room on one of the iHotel’s few busy days of the year, the only room left was an old, shitty one in the basement. There, they discovered a dusty tape with the words “JEDD IN BED” written across it. Intrigued by the vintage technology, they put the tape into the VCR and watched in horror and confusion. When the strange jumble of movements finally stopped on the screen, the room’s phone began to ring. Bewildered, Caroline answered and an angelic voice whispered “seven days, you will be in the hands of Christ” and hung up. One week later, Caroline and Noah were found in an English Building maintenance closet with their eyes gouged out. Why Did it Happen?: Because authorities couldn’t figure out Caroline and Noah’s cause of death, Caroline’s aunt, Laurie Morton, decided to take matters into her own hands. Laurie went to the hotel on a weekday and demanded to stay in the same shitty room in the basement. The desk clerk was confused, “You could have any room in

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this vacant hotel. Why would you want to stay in that dungeon?” Laurie insisted. Upon entering the room she found the tape. Hands shaking, she inserted the tape into the VCR, what followed was another terrifying viewing of what can only be described as a “holy massacre of millions of the lord’s sacred semen.” When the tape finished, the phone rang and that same voice whispered “seven days, you will be in the hands of Christ” and hung up. Laurie has two days left of her seven. We were able to meet up with her to try and figure out just what she saw. The First-Hand Account: Laurie tried to describe the chaotic images on the screen to us saying, “I think I saw multiple images of horses? One might have had a crucifix in its ass, I don’t know! It was a real big crucifix. It just all went by so fast!” Sweating profusely, Laurie went on to describe a few images that were burned into her mind. “It’s all still so confusing. I didn’t know that followers of God were able to invoke the power of the devil in such scandalous ways,” Laurie said through heavy sobs, while she squeezed soap into her eyes. “I think the key to solving this case is trying to figure out who the poor woman was in the tape. I mean, I think that thing was a woman. I mean, that had to be a vagina, right?” Laurie was stupid enough to make a copy of the tape, so who knows how many of these deadly tapes other idiots produced. If anyone has any information about the woman in the tape, please come forward. Your input could save the life of Laurie and hundreds – or even thousands – of other viewers. Time is limited, so please act quickly.

Riggity Wrote This

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The Lecture Games:

Spotting “That Guy” in Your Intro Courses We all have our own special definitions of “that guy.” You know, that guy who rocks mandals with socks, or that guy who declares himself the unofficial Spotify DJ at parties. Since you’re out of the lovely grace period known as the first couple weeks of classes, you’ll need to find an engaging way to further blow off your impending midterms. Treat this exercise of locating “that guy” as simple game of Where’s Waldo?, where the objective is to both find Waldo and restrain your desire to punch him square in the fucking jaw.

entry knowledge about anything off of AFI’s Top 100 Movies list as well as his own brilliant commentary on how everything relates back to an existentialist struggle (but, like, in a really meta way, man). If a movie has below a 59% on Rotten Tomatoes, don’t bother bringing it up; it’s already objectively shit in his eyes.

How to Spot “That Guy” in…

Also Known as: Cinephile, “Amateur Filmmaker” Memorable Quotes: - “Did you know that Tarantino’s movies are all linked within the same universe? I’m thinking of writing my thesis on it.” - “Seriously, Citizen Kane isn’t that good.”

FILM CLASSES: “That guy” in your Intro to Popular Film class will jump out of his seat as soon as your instructor mentions Pulp Fiction, literally any Kubrick flick, or “obscure indie gems” like the works of Wes Anderson. Always using the word “film” instead of “movie,” this guy will go out of his way during discussion to assert his Wikipedia-

COMPUTER SCIENCE CLASSES: As soon as he left the opening night showing of The Social Network, “that guy” from Intro to Coding knew he and his ego were destined for big things in cyberspace. Armed with both basic script “hacking” abilities he used to troll strangers with as well as four years of being the token pompous braniac in high school AP

classes, this guy scoffs at anyone who can’t comprehend the sophistication of coding in Excel. In case anyone’s wondering, yes, he does know a thing or two about SSDs and microprocessors, as he’ll remind the entire class frequently and out loud. Don’t piss him off, though… some say he’s part of that scary group of super-hackers, Anonymous…

can usually be found front row in a 300-person lecture intently jotting down PowerPoint notes verbatim that will directly translate to a sixfigure entry position post-college. If that doesn’t work out, he’ll at least have his Kickstarter startup to fall back on. What kind of startup? Don’t ask silly questions, you unemployable liberal arts urchin!

Also Known as: Diehard Android Enthusiast, IT Guy Memorable Quotes: - “Oh, VBA? Yeah, I used to toy around with that in middle school…” - “I’m thinking of working for Google or Microsoft after graduating. Maybe Facebook if I really have to…”

Also Known as: “Founder of (apparel redistribution company)” on Facebook, LinkedIn Premium User Memorable Quotes: - “What? No, it’s not about the money at all. I legitimately do enjoy corporate policy and business infrastructure… really...” - “I already told you I’m going into entrepreneurship after college. Why would I need to be any more specific than that?”

BUSINESS CLASSES: Already snarky to the bone and ready to take capitalism by the horns, a shiteating grin and a raging hard-on for corporate buzzwords are staples for “that guy” in Management and Organizational Behavior. Dressed to impress exactly like every other shill at job fairs hoping to work for John Deere, the Waldo on Wall Street

ENGLISH/CREATIVE WRITING CLASSES: Probably the most aptly dressed “that guy” on the list, the vintage books that this student raves about are almost as outdated as his twosizes-too-large trench coat/vest

combo. Spanning across both Intro to Pop. Lit and Intro to Narrative Writing domains, this guy took the publishing of his “coming-ofage” short story in his high school’s literary magazine a little too seriously. Destined to become the next Hemingway, Chuck Palahniuk, Cormac McCarthy, or an insufferably pretentious combination of all three, this guy heartily laughs at the idea of settling for a teaching degree. When he’s not cherrypicking phallic symbols or socialist imagery, he’ll be sitting in the back of the class with his Moleskine working on his novel/ screenplay. Just don’t try to give him constructive criticism during a workshop seminar – you just don’t get his artistic vision, okay?

Also Known as: Self-proclaimed (Unpublished) Writer, Self-published Blogger Memorable Quotes: - “I appreciate your comments, but I just think those changes compromise my stylistic choices.” - “Why are professor’s still teaching hacks like Jane Austen and not V for Vendetta?” You “win” if: You’ve managed to pass ten minutes of your time searching for “that guy,” finding him, and letting out a small “heh” before spacing out in class again. You “lose” if: You feel a self-glorifying surge of superiority after locating “that guy.” In which case, get over yourself, prick.

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OPINION: Steven Salaita Should Make His Name Easier to Say If He Wants Full Support Jupiter Stevens wrote this

Ok, Steven, listen up. You want your job back? You want to challenge an American public university and stand up for your First Amendment rights, protecting our education system’s ability to have open, academic discussion? Then change your name, bud. Sal-eye-ta? Sal-EE-ta? Sahara? Salsa? It’s making this whole thing a lot tougher on everyone who wants to support you, and no one’s able to rally for your little cause if they don’t even know who you are. I mean, how do you expect to win a court case based on

freedom of speech when you can’t even say your own name? Jesus, dude. I know you’re “proud” of your heritage and all, but let it go. You’ve lived your whole life with that name, you can afford to switch it up a bit. You think Martin Luther King Jr.’s name was actually “King”? No, it probably wasn’t. No one has it that easy. He knows that of all people. If you want to change things, you have to change yourself first. You can’t just have your cake and eat it too,

Steve. You’re crying about all these inhumanities and shit, but without a sensible name, let’s ask ourselves this question: Just really how human are you?

Steven, you’re obviously a smart guy. You’ve done your work and you’ve earned your place at a university level, but you’re just standing there watching the pitch

go by on this one. It doesn’t take a PROFESSOR to figure out that no one’s got your back because no one knows whose back to get. I mean, wear a name tag or something.

Small Boy at Flat Top Feels Like Big Man Jupiter Stevens wrote this

Sources at Flat Top Grill in Champaign reported that sophomore Greg Steen would not stop drawing attention to himself while on a dinner date Tuesday night at the Sixth St. restaurant. Regarded as one of the “more fancier” restaurants on campus, Flat Top Grill manager Josie Hendricks said the restaurant has grown accustomed to hosting overzealous young adults night in and night out. “Yeah, I saw the little shit,” Hendricks confirmed with reporters. “He’s just like the rest of them. Flashes the money he probably made at a lemonade stand earlier this morning and then orders like he’s trying to ‘woo’ a six-figure client.” The 19-year-old student was reportedly ordering “whatever the fine lady wants” and tipping the waitress every time she asked if they needed anything. “Oh, my new apartment? Yeah, it’s pretty expensive but there’s no price on your comfort,” nearby customers overheard Steen telling his date. “I mean, I can afford it. Sure, every student’s in debt, but I’m a business major. I’ll be making the big bucks in just a few years, so why would I be worried about spending a little bit for a night out now?” In a post-meal press conference, Steen’s waitress told reporters that the cocky little child tried to order two New York strips for himself at the make-your-own stir fry, in addition to attempting to purchase a bottle of wine. “He said he wanted one to go,” the waitress said. “He just flipped a wad of $10s on the table and snapped his finger. God, he was the worst.” Steen’s date, Lauren Wilburn, reported that the “embarrassing” evening was a just another unfortunate result from a Tinder swipe. “I saw him wearing a nice suit in his profile picture so I figured he was from Naperville or something,” Wilburn said, visibly upset and hiding her face in embarrassment outside the restaurant. “Why are all the nice, rich guys gay or taken?”

, hought t d n a n eep s*!t.” the lack Sh s i B h e t h n T ha ad better t ever re g e n i ’v h u t o e If y om write s d l u o c “Man, I

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Letters from the Front: A Pledge Writes Home to His Sweetheart exposed to. Ever since the first fraternity chapter was founded, pledges have captured the intensity, trauma, and trepidation of pledgeship by writing letters home to loved ones. These letters are the best primary source historians have for gaining a first-hand glimpse into the secret process of pledgeship. Transcribed below is a letter sent by Alpha Tau Lambda pledge Alex Gasskart to his girlfriend during the “Live-in Week” part of pledgeship. Dearest Maria, How have you been? How is everyone back at home? I miss you so much and apologize for not writing sooner. Ever since my deployment into pledgeship, I have not had time to sit down and write you. So far, pledgeship has been equal parts grueling and terrifying. I’ve seen and done things that no man should ever be

I write to you in the midst of Livein Week, but I will start this letter from the beginning. The horrors of pledgeship began with the basic training portion of the process. We were forced to do pushups in drag, run naked across a muddy Frat Park at midnight, and miscellaneous dirty work around the house such as cleaning up on Sundays during the football games. During this time, we were also required to maintain a minimum level of alcohol tolerance and attend every social function the fraternity hosted. The physicality of training was a grind and something I struggled with daily, but I made it through largely unscathed. The psychological strain of pledgeship has also been taxing. We’ve been forced to learn and memorize our fraternity’s entire history along with the names, ages, majors, and other facts about

each active member, lest we want to face unspeakable punishments in the form of public humiliation. In fact, this is the only kind of information my mind is capable of processing right now. For instance, I’m taking chemistry classes now, but my mind draws a total blank when it comes to elements and the periodic table. But I can tell you, off the top of my head, that Jack Bearcat is a junior in history from Towson, Maryland who plays guitar in his spare time. I feel like I’m brainwashed, but don’t have the mental energy to overcome it, or care for that matter. Although training was tough, nothing could prepare us for the treachery of Live-in Week. We are only half-way through the week and I am already scarred for life. Upon entering the house at the beginning of the week, we were greeted by super-senior (S.S.) Ryan Dawson, a fraternity brother who dubbed himself the “Head Hazer” of the house. He immediately

instructed us to elephant walk to the main room so we could each siphon Everclear out of a fish tank simultaneously, but another fraternity brother told him that they “Couldn’t do that shit anymore because the brohating Greek Police will kill us, brah!” Instead, they had us march to our sleeping quarters and told us to rest up, because we would need it for what they had in store for us. However, a good night’s sleep is unattainable in the house. If the non-stop shouting, floor pounding, and sex noises from neighboring rooms don’t keep you up, the mental anguish of what you think they will do to you the next day will. So far, Live-in Week has been as brutal as the brothers promised it would be. Since our arrival, we have been forced to constantly drink Natural Ice. I haven’t been sober for days, and it’s getting increasingly difficult for me to differentiate between reality

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and the sick little games they’re playing with my mind. I also witnessed the loss of one of our own. S.S. Dawson made the decision to bong my fellow pledge, Zack Merek, for knocking over a can of beer and being a “huge fuckin’ geed,” as he said. I witnessed Zack getting bonged, and the sight of it will haunt me forever. I have to cut this letter short, as I need to start preparing for tomorrow. S.S. Dawson has promised us all week that he’s going to make Thursday feel like it lasts forever. The whole week up to this point has felt never-ending,

so I am horrified at the prospect of what’s to come. I don’t want to break your little heart by saying this, but I may not make it out of pledgeship alive. I want you to know I love you, and if I do make it out of here, I’m gonna ask you to marry me. If I don’t, then take comfort knowing I’ll be over your head, from so many thousands of feet off the ground, always looking down on you. Pledgeship is hell. But I’m gonna walk through it and make it out the other side for you. Love, Alex

AROUND TOWN

THE TOP TEN New Features of the iPhone 6 It’s here! It’s finally here! I’m talking of course about my iPhone 6 that just came in yesterday. Do you have yours yet? Oh… you don’t, do you? Well, that’s what you get for pre-ordering too late, loser! Seriously, you’re missing out on what’s possibly the greatest thing to come out of Apple since the iPhone 5S. The iPhone 6 is literally Jesus Christ reincarnated into a smartphone. Don’t believe me? Check out all of these awesome features that you’re missing out on! 10.) Instaslam: The new iOS 8 exclusive Instagram app automatically takes photos of you post-sex. Sure, all your friends and family might see you bare-assed next to a “total 4,” but you’ll sure as hell get a lot of likes! 9.) Banker: Banker is a new voice feature on the iPhone 6 who will yell out exactly how much money you have in your wallet while you walk down the street. This way, everyone around you will know the true you. Once again, Apple is helping erase social issues like judgment and monetary anxiety by allowing everyone to be an open book.

Cru Mistakes Pygmalion for Christian Rock Concert Mo’ Freeman wrote this With Scottish synthpop band Chvrches headlining the 2014 Pygmalion Music Festival, it quickly became clear that Illinois’ religious group Cru was the cause of the festival’s quick sell-out. “We saw that Chvrches was playing and immediately assumed that this was going to be a celebration for our Heavenly Father,” explained Cru leader, Father Thomas McIntire. “There was even a rumor that Relient K would be opening for them!” There was utter shock from the audience of the devoutly religious upon the band’s performance. “The blinding lights, thick dark smoke, and this horrifying hamster voice screaming on the speakers. It was like our good Lord had abandoned us to the seven hells!” said terrified Cru member Christian Zeder. Determined to see the concert through, a prayer circle formed in the middle of the mass of Illini. Cru members could be seen mouthing silent prayer as the band returned to the stage to perform their encore. It wasn’t simply Chvrches that prompted Cru members to buy out the entire music festival. Apparently, there was further confusion about the band Sun Kil Moon. “We expected there to be a sacrifice for the greatest gifts our good Lord blessed us with,” explained Sister Mary Ann McFinney. “We even brought a cow along as an offering, just like the Bible says. At first, we didn’t mind the sound of his music—he seemed to be a disturbed man working though some things—but the way he was talking on stage made me physically ill.” McFinney’s quote is in direct response to Sun Kil Moon releasing its typical rage upon the gasping

audience: “You pussies can’t fucking hang. Who the fuck brought a cow? You fucking hillbillies.” Suddenly, the group lit torches on fire and pulled pitchforks from out of nowhere. “We keep those on us at all times, just in case something like this happens, or on the off-chance that we find ourselves being persecuted as so often happens with Christian groups in America,” one member said. Real Estate’s performance even prompted violence among the Cru crowd. “The racket of the guitars was not what we had been lead to believe was going to happen,” another Cru member said. “We thought we were going to be able to buy our spots in Heaven with our Messiah. The only ‘real estate’ available at this festival is vacancy at Satan’s highrise.” As expected, Deafheaven’s set was mixed with lukewarm reception within the crowd of young Campus Crusaders. As soon as front man George Clarke began screaming the opening lyrics to “Dream House,” several members of the audience cupped their ears in pain in order to block out the band’s accused satanic messages. “I have no idea what he’s saying,” shouted one Cru member who instantly shoved five pairs of plugs into his ears. “But with such menace in his voice, it just has to be something devilish. Why does metal music always have to be about cuss words and killing people?” But there was a final statement of “Huzzah!” among the crowd. “We have all become that much more dedicated to Christ,” explained Cru preacher Sister Magdalen McMurphy. “If that is what Hellfire feels like, we know our dedication to our Father can truly save us.”

8.) Personal News App: No, no, no. This isn’t just another app where you can personalize your news. This is an app that will personalize THE news. How many bowel movements did you have today? Have you masturbated in the past two hours? Did you wash your hands afterward? Well, now anyone can find out. By simply searching an iPhone user’s name, people will be able to track your daily doings through your SIM card number. 7.) OK, CUPID: Have you been nervous about telling that girl in class that you’re in love with her? Don’t worry, CUPID—Apple’s newest voice character—will alert her as soon as she’s near you. “Hey, Christina! What’s up?”“I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU.” Nailed it. Thanks, CUPID! 6.) Conscious Calling: Nobody uses the phone to talk anymore, but now you can use the phone to listen to strangers when they’re not aware. iPhone 6 users can now choose between “conscious” or “unconscious” calling, which determines whether the receiver is alerted of an incoming call or not. In “unconscious” calling, a receiver will not be alerted and the phone will automatically answer -- allowing the caller to clearly hear everything they’re doing at any time. 5.) FaceTime feat. Bono: Have you heard enough of the new U2 album that forcibly infiltrated your iTunes library? Neither has Bono! For early adopters of the iPhone 6, users will be able to FaceTime exclusively with Bono himself and absolutely no one else in their contact’s list. What better way to direct your praise and adoration for the band’s new record than talking with the mastermind himself? 4.) iPhone 6S Countdown Timer: This clock setting will display the amount of time left until Apple eventually unveils the iPhone 6S sometime around Fall 2015. There’s finally a convenient way to inform current generation iPhone users approximately how much time they have left to feel more superior to previous generation iPhone users! 3.) iCloud AutoLeaker: Breaking out of the beta testing stage thanks to courageous volunteers like Jennifer Lawrence and Kate Upton, photos uploaded using iCloud will now be leaked onto the internet automatically at random so pesky 4chan hackers won’t get to take all the credit for exposing your nudes. Users can also link their Snapchat accounts to iCloud just in case Snapchat’s servers accidentally fail to delete their promiscuous photos for some reason. 2.) Android Assassin: Sick of those meanie Android fanboys making outrageous claims like Apple taking note of Android features and implementing them into the iPhone? Silence them… er, their phones with a new pre-loaded app that displays nearby Android users within your immediate radius. If an impure Android heathen comes too close to the iPhone 6, a tiny laser will beam out from the front camera and vaporize the Android user… ‘s phone! 1.) iOShit, Dropped My iPhone!: Apple, like the genius god-tier company they are, knows their fanbase well enough to keep having a fragile smartphone as convenient as possible for their users. Rather than having users worry about dropping their phones in the near future, iOS 8 is automatically programmed to self-shatter your phone’s screen at the exact moment your 1-year warranty expires. Thank goodness the next iPhone will be right around the corner by that time!

A Rabid Apple Fanboy wrote this

Misinformed Students Spread Campus-Wide Rumor Katie Got Bandz wrote this rumor started to get weirder and even more outrageous. Students in the Illini Conspiracy Club (ICC) looked into the upper administration and startling results began to surface.

The UIUC campus has been buzzing with gossip and scandal the past couple weeks, and for once it doesn’t have anything to do with some dude’s tweets. Vicious rumors have been spreading about every notable figure at the University of Illinois, and sources have confirmed that the root of these lies is from an overheard conversation between two misinformed freshmen on the 22 North.

proud moment for many.

“Hey man, did you hear about Chancellor Phyllis Wise? She once had a threesome with President Robert Easter and John Groce. I heard she is into some really kinky stuff,” proclaimed one of the freshmen to his buddy, with eyes so wide and serious he looked like he preached the gospel. “All I know is that butt plugs and honey were involved. You heard it here first.”

“As more and more Yaks were posted, they were being upvoted over 100 times – a proud moment for many.”

“Phyllis, Easter, and Groce are all part of something bigger than just doing each other on the side,” stated the President of ICC, Katelyn Lilly. “They are in the Illuminati’s UIUC branch and are the masterminds behind all of the bad things that happen on this campus. Robert Easter is the OG blowdart guy, and Phyllis was the one who threw that brick through the Bromley window. And Groce is responsible for recruiting players for the football team.”

The story didn’t stop spreading there. The cover of The Daily Illini the next day was a full-page exposé on the story, complete with a detailed timeline of the indiscretion and sources very close to the chancellor confirming that this threesome did indeed happen.

Phyllis and the gang had been keeping a low profile as these torrid tales spread across campus, but she apparently had enough when one student boldly proclaimed that she controls the weather and made it below zero last semester, in an attempt to be a trend on Twitter.

As the story caught more attention, the

“I was waiting for these sordid rumors

Witnesses recall students who overheard the conversation quickly whipped out their phones to pull up Yik Yak, hoping to be the first to post the salacious story. As more and more Yaks were posted, they were being upvoted over 100 times – a

After the rumor was posted on Yik Yak, Illini Crushes & Confessions caught wind of the scoop, and posted it to their Facebook page, which has almost 8,000 followers. The post garnered over 2,000 likes, with students in utter shock over what their chancellor, president, and basketball coach have been up to in the sack.

to die down, but enough is enough and it’s time for me to address these issues head-on,” said the Chancellor in a press conference held last week. “It is disturbing for any of my students to think that I would create danger on this campus or have any affiliation with the Illuminati. Also, to suggest that I control the weather is

ridiculous and not even plausible.” When questioned about her affairs with President Easter and Coach Groce, Wise looked extremely uncomfortable and broke out into a cold sweat, answering with a hurried “next question please.” Rumor confirmed.

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The Bar Grid SPECIAL NIGHT

EVERYDAY SPECIALS $1 Mini Cherry Bombs $1 Mini O-Bombs $2 Mini Jager Bombs

Wednesday 9/24

Wing Night! $0.25 Wings $1.50 High Life

$2 Flavored LITs - NEW FLAVORS Peach, Banana, Raspberry, Apple, Melon, Blue Grape, Strawberry, THE CHIEF

Thursday’s Show: Top Dawg Entertainment artist AB-SOUL w/ BAS and FRANK LEONE

Tuesday: Wine Night! DJ ROCK CITY! One of the Top DJ’s in Chicago! $8 Bottles of Wine $2 Beam Fire Shots

Saturday: Pygmalion, $7 11pm: The Chemical 12am: Josh Berwanger Band 1:15: We The Animals

SAT: ILLINI vs Nebraska 7pm $3 Captain Morgan, $3 Jager Bombs $3 Rumple Shots, $3 Bud Light

PORTER ROBINSON with GIRAFFAGE and LEMAITRE

No Womp Wompsday! $2 Long Islands $2 Hot Stuff Whiskey

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

BUD MUG NIGHT! New Mugs are Here! $1 SHOTS, $2 Fireball KARAOKE at 10pm!

James Jones Trio, $5, 9pm w/ The Ars Nova and The Future Laureates

Tacos & Tequila Night! $1 WELLS - NO COVER $1 TACO’S 4pm-10pm $2 Bud Light Drafts Giants vs Redskins 7pm

Thursday 9/25

$1 Wells, $2 PBR Tall Boys $2 Fireball, $3 Long Islands $7 Domestic Pitchers

Top Dawg Entertainment artist AB-SOUL w/ BAS and FRANK LEONE

THROWBACK THURSDAY This Week Snow White! $1 Fireball, $2 UV Vodka

Friday 9/26

$2 Wells, $2.50 Domestic Bottles, $3 Calls, $3 Three Olives, $3 Long Islands, $4 Vegas Bombs, $7 Domestic Pitchers

Pygmalion Music Festival presents: XXYYXX

Friday After Class! FREE GRILLED CHEESE starts at 6pm (with purchase of any beverage) $3 Bud Light Tallboy Cans $3 Jim Beam & Bacardi

Kevin Valentine, $5, 10pm

$3.99 Haus Fries $6 Bud Light 40’s $3 Jim Beam $3 Bacardi Drinks & Bombs

Saturday 9/27

$2 Wells, $2.50 Domestic Bottles, $3 Bacardi, $3 Long Islands, $4 Patron Shots $7 Domestic Pitchers

COLLEGE CRAZE with DJ HOOP DREAMS and special guest KING LOUIE

$3 Jager Bombs $3 Captain Morgan $3 Bud Light Bottles $5 Patron Shots

Pygmalion, $7 11pm: The Chemical 12am: Josh Berwanger Band 1:15: We The Animals

ILLINI vs Nebraska 7pm $3 Captain Morgan $3 Jager Bombs $3 Rumple Shots, $3 Bud Light

Book your next party or event at The Clybourne Call 217-722-9000 or email CochraneParty@gmail.com

Big Dave's Trivia Night FREE, 7:30PM! $1 Miller High Life Drafts, $2 Miller Lite Drafts, $2 Jameson Shots $5 Red Bull Vodkas, $5 Nacho

BEARS vs PACKERS $2 Anything Sundays! Every Liquor...Every Beer $2! $3.99 for 10 Haus Wings WIN a BEARS JERSEY!

$1 Dirty Smurf Shots $2 Top Shelf

DJ Mingram, Free, 10pm $3 Jameson and Absolut

Monday Night Football Patriots vs Chiefs 7:40pm $1 Bud Light Drafts HALF PRICE APPS 4-10pm

THE LONDON SOULS with FLACCID

Wine Night! DJ ROCK CITY! One of the Top DJ’s in Chicago! $8 Bottles of Wine $2 Beam Fire Shots

Open Mic Night - Free! Sign-Up Starts at 8:45pm

BAR OLYMPICS BEGINS! $2 Wells Barstool Basketball - Win a Set of ILLINI Barstools & Table! Worth over $500!

THE CULTURE Hip Hop Open Mic Hot Beats and Cheap Drinks!

No Womp Wompsday! $2 Long Islands $2 Hot Stuff Whiskey

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

Bar Olympics! $1 SHOTS! Shoot the Puck - Win a Set of Hawks Barstools & Table!

Sunday 9/28

Closed

Monday 9/29

$2 Double Well Drinks $2 Bud Light/Budweiser Drafts, $5 Bud Light/ Budweiser Pitchers

MONDAY NIGHT HOUSE PARTY featuring NICK RAINEY and THE 6th STREET BRASS BAND $2 Slices of Manolos and $1 Drinks

Tuesday 9/30

$2 Wells $2 Domestic Drafts $2 Craft Drafts* $2 Shot of the Week

Wednesday 10/1

Wing Night! $0.25 Wings $1.50 High Life

$2 Flavored LITs - NEW FLAVORS Peach, Banana, Raspberry, Apple, Melon, Blue Grape, Strawberry, THE CHIEF

NO COVER (21+), $3 Cover (under 21)

The only shirt you need for football season

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The Bar Grid

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DOWNTOWN

SPECIAL NIGHT

NFL Sunday Ticket! $5 Nachos, 8 Wings for $6 $6 Pitchers of Miller Lite, Coors Light and Bud Light $4 Bloody Mary’s

SATURDAY: Pygmalion Presents: Chvrches Plus Much More! Music Starts at 2pm

Wednesday 9/24

$2.50 Red Stripe, $3 Jack Daniels, $3 Bacardi Redbull

Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!

Thursday 9/25

$3 ANY Draft $4 White Russians

Pyramid Presents: Vibes, 10pm $3 Red Stripe, $4 Rum Punch, 2 for $150 Luc Belaire Rose

Redd, White and Boom

$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors

Friday 9/26

$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy, $5 Jagerbombs

DJ Delayney at 10pm, $5

Alcohol Available Today

$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

Saturday 9/27

Watch the Illini at Guido’s!

Pygmalion Presents: Chvrches Plus Much More! Music Starts at 2pm

Sunday 9/28

NFL Sunday Ticket! $5 Nachos, 8 Wings for $6 $6 Pitchers of Miller Lite, Coors Light and Bud Light $4 Bloody Mary’s

Monday 9/29

Bikini Contest: Wednesday, Sept 24th

Friday and Saturday: $10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

Bikini Bartenders!

1/2 Priced Drafts, $1.75 Wells and $2 Imports

KAM'S THURS: Senior Night! No Cover 21+, $10 U-Pick 5 BL Buckets $3 UV Drinks, $6 Pitchers, Live DJ $6 Bacardi Fishbowl KamsIslands (Limit 2), $2 Fireball #UpForWhatever Wednesdays! $2 16oz Bud Light, $3 3 Olives & Cuervo, $5 Lime-a-Rita Pitchers $2 Platinum, $2 Rumchata

DJ Delicato & The Bud Girls! Big Bar Battle!

Senior Night! No Cover 21+ $10 U-Pick 5 BL Buckets, $3 UV Drinks, $6 Pitchers, Live DJ

$6 Bacardi Fishbowl KamsIslands (Limit 2), $2 Fireball, $3 Appleseed Cider

Klub Kam’s with DJ Delicato at 10pm! $4 Blue Guys, $2 16oz Coors Lt. Cans, $2 Drafts, $3.50 Smirnoff & Captain Drinks, $2 Blue Moon Bottles Illini Gamewatch Party! IL vs. Nebraska 7PM, Open 2PM

Day Drinking and Burgers

$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

Pygmalion Presents: American Football Plus Much More! Music Starts at 2pm

Bears & Buckets

$2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells, $5 Personal Pizzas with 2 Toppings $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

NFL Sunday Funday! $2 U Call It: Wells, Bottles, Drafts

$2 Bud Light and Miller Lite Drafts, $3 Jameson, 1/2 off Apps after 8pm

Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gmail.com

MNJ

$1.50 High Life Drafts! $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

Monday Night Football! Open at 7:30PM, $2 U Call Its Free Pizza at Halftime

Tuesday 9/30

$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells

Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gmail.com

No Cover @ the 8th Grade Dance

1/2 Price Tuesdays! 1/2 Price Pool All Day, $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)

Wednesday 10/1

$2.50 Red Stripe, $3 Jack Daniels, $3 Bacardi Redbull

Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!

Bikini Bartenders!

1/2 Priced Drafts, $1.75 Wells and $2 Imports

$3 22oz Coors Lt. Drafts, $3 16oz Cans, $4 Pinnacle Blue Guys, $2 Jager Shots, $3 Bombs, $4 Beam & Stag Jager Girls & DJ Spyder at 10PM!

Country Nite “Drink it in Your Mason Jar”

$1.50 Whiskey Drinks, $1.50 Coors Bottles $1.50 Drafts, $2 Moonshine Drinks $2 Beam Fire, $2 Beam Fire & Ginger Shots

#UpForWhatever Wednesdays! $2 16oz Bud Light, $3 3 Olives & Cuervo, $5 Lime-a-Rita Pitchers $2 Platinum, $2 Rumchata

DJ Delicato & The Bud Girls! Big Bar Battle!

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The Black Sheep

WEDNESDAY! Logo Glass Day!

Saturday: ‘MERICA PARTY! Open at 6am! Cracked Truck! Bands start at 10:30am Raising money for Charity!

Late Night Meal Everyday After 12! 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza

MONDAY $1 Drafts, Wells, Shots 1/2 Off Burgers 4-9PM

Trivia Night (8-10PM), $4 Boiler Makers

Logo Glass Day!

$4 CRUZAN RUM BUCKETS $2 BEAM KENTUCKY FIRE SHOTS $3 JIM BEAM

$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza

$7.50 Rum and Cola Pitchers, Miller and Coors Pitchers $2 Dr. Menthol and Rumchata $0.50 Jumbo Wings, $1 Chicken Fingers

$1 Off Scotches, $3 Featured Shot

$8 Pitchers of Killians, Leinenkugels and Shocktop

SHACKER NIGHT! $2 UV Vodka $2 Hot Stuff Shots $5 22oz Shackers You Keep the Cup!

$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza

$3 Jack, Bird Dog, and Soco Drinks $1 Horse Tranquilizers $3 Das Boot, $5 Fills 1/2 Off Sandwiches After 4PM

$2.50 PBR Tall Boys

$5 Wild Turkey or Skyy Doubles

Open at 5pm! $1 Fratty Natty Bottles $3 Jager Bombs

$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza

$2.50 Coronas, $3.50 Bacardi Flavors Half Off German Sausage Meals After 4PM

Solo Cup Saturday NO COVER

$2.50 PBR Tall Boys

$5 Jameson Doubles $3 Goose Island Family Beers Coors Light Crush Party, 10-12

‘MERICA PARTY! Open at 6am! Cracked Truck! Bands start at 10:30am Raising money for Charity!

$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza

$3 Captain, Crown, and 3 Olives Drinks

Sunday Funday $3 ALL DRAFTS

$1 Hamms, $2 Rails, $3 Jameson and Powers

Get Ready for Trivia Night! $4 Well Doubles

Book your next Party of Event at RED LION! Call 217-722-9000 or email us at CochraneParty@gmail.com

$7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza

$1 Drafts and Wells, $3 Bloody Marys Brunch from 11 am–3 pm REHAB 1/2 Off Big Breakfast with Stamp

Beer Lover’s Night! Every single beer is on sale

Abe Froman Project Improv Comedy 8:30

Fame Fantasy Karaoke 10pm, No Cover AND $1.25 PBR

BINGO NIGHT! $3 Drafts of Blue Moon, Angry Orchard and Sam Adams Family

MONDAY NIGHT LION $1 WELLS $2 HOT STUFF $3 MONSTER VODKA’S

$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza

$1 Drafts, Wells, Shots 1/2 Off Burgers 4-9PM

No Cover! ALL Drafts on sale

Reggae Night at 10PM, $4 Boiler Makers

$2 Tall Boys of Old Style, PBR, Schlitz and Miller Lite

SENIOR NIGHT $2 LONG ISLANDS, $2 WELLS $2 BUD LIGHT BOTTLES Bags Tourney at 9pm

$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza

$2 Any Draft, $2 Wells $6 Pitchers (Excl. Guinness) $1 TACOS ALL DAY

Logo Glass Day!

$4 CRUZAN RUM BUCKETS $2 BEAM KENTUCKY FIRE SHOTS $3 JIM BEAM

$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza

$7.50 Rum and Cola Pitchers, Miller and Coors Pitchers $2 Dr. Menthol and Rumchata $0.50 Jumbo Wings, $1 Chicken Fingers

Friday 4 o’Clock Club 1/2 Price Appetizer 4 ‘til 5

FRIDAY AND SATURDAY! $2.50 PBR Tall Boys

No Cover! ALL Bottles on sale Thirsty Thursday! No Cover! $2 Well Drinks $2 Domestic Beers BIG Friday - NO COVER! Plus 4 o’clock Club

No Cover! ALL Bottles on sale

Trivia Night (8-10PM), $4 Boiler Makers

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PARTY PICS

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ON THE STREETS If you cracked the Alma Mater open, what would you expect to find inside?

Tina, Sophomore

“The hopes and dreams of all math majors. And a couple of students who dropped Calc 3.”

Shannon, Junior

“Tie between the body that was in the tunnel under Noyes and Chem Annex and the remains of the engineers who drowned in Boneyard Creek.”

Sam, Senior

“I would expect to find the dried blood, sweat, and tears of all the undergrads (and grads) that have been through college without the Alma.”

BARTENDERS of the WEEK

BRIDGET of BROTHER’S

Relationship Status: Single and ready to mingle. Major: MCB (Master Cock Block) Favorite Drink: Corona with lime, classic. Favorite Shot: Redheaded Slut Disgusting Drink: Vodka Redbull What aspect of bartending are you better than any other bartender at, and why?: Body shots ‘cause I got a rockin’ bod. Do you have a drink of your own creation? What’s in it?: It’s called The Bridge. Mix tequila, Fireball, and Coke. It’s a bridge straight to the toilet. Is there a liquor myth you know from personal experience to be false?: People think you don’t get as much alcohol if there’s ice… Stop throwing your ice on the floor! Besides M&M’s, what else melts in your mouth and not in your hand?: The door guy. What are granny panties good for?: Taking them off. If we invented a word right now—say… “spladawnt”—what would you say it means?: It’s when a guy keeps jacking off but can’t finish the deed. If you could have dinner with a famous person, living or dead, whose face would you wear and why?: My own because then I could say that I actually hung out with a celebrity. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because it’s fucking awesome, what more do you want?!

THE DRINKING GAME

PACK THE PLACE Alright, we’re about a month into the school year, and your life is starting to fall into a dangerous routine. All you want is to just go back to Syllabus Week and relive your glory days of partying, but now all you find yourself doing is rewatching lectures in your underwear with only Papa John at your side. This is when you realize what you need to break out of the slump: it’s time to pack the place. What You’ll Need: An apartment, a cell phone, music, a Tinder account, a lot of booze. Number of Players: Just you and the whole world, baby! Level of Intoxication: Too drunk to realize you’re alone. How to Play: - Realize that you’ve been bored for three weeks, decide to throw a banger. - Start drinking. IMMEDIATELY. - Text everyone you know and tell them to come over. - Lie to everyone who responds and tell them there’s a ton of people over. - When one person actually shows up, try to make them feel like a party is going on by increasing the volume of your music. - When that person leaves, use Tinder to drunkenly invite strangers over. - When you realize no one is coming – not even your roommates – drink everything you bought for the big party that never happened. - Make a mess that way in the morning when you wake up, you think a bunch of people were there.

KAYLEIGH of JOE’S

Relationship Status: Taken Major: Animal Sciences Favorite Drink: Red Zeppelin Beer Favorite Shot: Rumple Minze Disgusting Drink: Tequila Water Lime What aspect of bartending are you better than any other bartender at, and why?: Handling multiple orders at once… I’m really good at juggling a lot of ”things” if you know what I mean. Do you have a drink of your own creation? What’s in it?: Fruity Patooty! Mix every fruit flavor of schnapps, add orange and pineapple juice, and a splash of grenadine. Is there a liquor myth you know from personal experience to be false?: Liquor before beer, you’re in the clear? More like, I just drink until I’m sick. What are granny panties good for?: Sleeping when it’s rainy out. Other than that, absolutely nothing else. If we invented a word right now—say… “spladawnt”—what would you say it means?: When you take something over and over again until you make people jealous. If you could have dinner with a famous person, living or dead, whose face would you wear and why?: Natalie Portman, because she’s a babe and I love the Thor movies. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because they teach you how to be social… And if you’re not social at UIUC, then get the hell out!

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

COLD SPAGHETTIOS Remember all those times as a child when you burnt your G$D D@#N LIP on a bowl of hot SpaghettiOs? Why make the same mistake twice? This week’s Recipe for Disaster will teach you all about fixing your mistakes and making them taste good while you’re at it. What You’ll Need: A can of SpaghettiOs, a microwave (just to look at, longingly), a spoon, bag of ice, a lot of air in your lungs. Fatty Factor: Who cares? It doesn’t hurt anymore! Let’s Get Baked: - Open your can of SpaghettiOs and pour the contents in a bowl. - Place cling wrap over the top of the bowl and place it in your microwave. - Unplug your microwave and wait two and a half minutes. - Remove the cling wrap from the SpaghettiOs. -Let the SpaghettiOs cool down for 5-7 minutes. - Place desired number of ice cubes on top of exposed SpaghettiOs. - Drink or chew your bowl of SpaghettiOs. Did you burn your mouth? Didn’t think so. Look at how you’ve grown!

The Game Ends When: You wake up the next morning thinking your dream about having people over last night was a reality and you go about your day with a smile on your face.

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BOOZE REVIEW Svedka Cherry

Svedka lost us a little bit when they announced that they’d be doing away with that sexy robot thing that used to give us the most curiously regrettable boners whenever it strut its wiry stuff across our TV screens. Regardless, any vodka that isn’t branded with “Burnett’s” or “Pinnacle” gets an automatic “sure, we’ll try it” seal of probable approval from us. Svedka isn’t your dad’s classic, aged spirit, but it ain’t no mangy dog in the park either. Smells Like: The scent of cherries as red as the cross on the Swedish flag. Well, if you’re colorblind at least.

Grade: BTex Mex Wrote This

Tastes Like: Cherries (duh), but more sharp instead of sugary-sweet. If ancient tribes ever assembled a spear made exclusively of cherries, we think it’d be the most comparably delicious way to experience this flavor and a painful death. Typical Drinkers: - Swedish sex robots. - People who like to color code their liquor bottles with their bloodstreams. - College students who don’t want to look that poor. - Cherriphiles who have overly-specific tastes for Montmorency cherries

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User Comments: - “It burns going down, but it’s a good kind of burn. Like, an ‘I just had some kickass chili’ kind of burn.” - “The Svedka robot is why I prefer Android over iOS.” - “Is it cool if I make a cherry popping joke? I’m gonna go ahead and make a cherry popping joke.” - “*BEEP BOOP* My sensors indicate my intoxication levels are ‘dangerously high’ *BLEEP BLORP*.” You’ll like this if you like: Reaching toward the outer-reaches of vodka-based nirvana without going all-out Icarus on yourself. Best Described as a Daft Punk Lyric: “Work It, Make It, Do It, Makes Us, Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger.” What HAL 9000 from 2001: A Space Odyssey Would Say if It Saw You Drinking This: “You would like me to pour you one more drink? I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.” Common Food Pairing Suggestions: Oil, astronaut food, space chili. We mixed it with: Coke, Diet Coke, 7-Up (oh, you know us all too well).

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Illini Football Takes Stand Against Violence Switches to Two-Hand Touch Banana Boy Wrote This In the wake of domestic violence issues plaguing the National Football League, the University of Illinois is instituting major changes to its football team. In a recent press release, coach Tim Beckman made the shocking announcement that the Illini football team will switch to twohand touch in order to demonstrate to the world how committed his team is to ending violence around the sport. While some are calling the decision commendable, the vast majority of students and alumni are calling the move moronic and misguided. “After seeing the effects these scandals have had on the NFL, I couldn’t even imagine what it would do to a fragile program such as ours,” Beckman said in the release. According to Beckman, it’s the duty of football players to stand together against domestic abuse, especially when your team is wellrespected throughout campus. “I believe that other students look to my boys for hope and guidance, and see them as role

models,” Beckman smiled delusionally. “I mean, the students even stay home during games so they can work on their schoolwork, if that’s not to mimic the hard work on the field, I don’t know what is.” Many of his players have backed Beckman on the decision, with one second-string linebacker commenting, “I think Beckman make right move.” Another player grunted, “I like football. I like being nice. Hitting people mean.” University sophomore Heather Wright said she agrees with the players. “Who cares? Nothing’s changed. It’s like they’re already playing two-hand touch anyways with their poor excuse for tackling. Wrap up, you clowns!”While Wright does bring up a compelling argument, and possibly would benefit for anger management, there are many who vehemently oppose Beckman’s position. Ben Jacobs, a senior, is outraged with

the change. “Don’t these idiots realize that when they play other teams they’re going to get destroyed?” Jacobs spat angrily. When we informed him that they already got destroyed in Washington, Jacobs replied, “Well, even more destroyed than they’re used to!” with which we could not disagree. Not all the football players are happy with the decision, either. “How am I supposed to cover up my feelings of inadequacy through beating the shit out of people anymore?” sobbed a 350-pound lineman. “I mean, I can still push someone pretty hard with two hands, but how can I gouge eyes if there’s no more pileups?” Others believe that it’s a deliberate move by the university to have a real excuse as to why the football team is atrocious. “After the embarrassment that was the Washington game, the organization started scrambling for a way to get good press,” said a trusted

insider. “After many late-night powwows, they stumbled upon the idea of intentionally handicapping the team to gain sympathy.” Unfortunately, midway through our conversation before he could name names, our insider was stuck with a blow dart and incapacitated. However, this only lends credence to his

words, and if he recovers fully we will learn the truth of the matter. Whether the change is truly a call for peace or a cunning excuse, Beckman said the change is here to stay. Or at least until it horribly backfires and he realizes that he should just put O’Toole in.

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Five Things the Football Team Can Learn from the Volleyball Team Winnie Bago wrote this Illini football fans are starting to turn into Cubs fans, minus the passion for losing. With our recent 44-19 defeat to the Washington Huskies, it’s about that time when absolutely nobody shows up to the games. With five tips from the Illini Volleyball Team, the Fighting Illini Footballlers can turn things around and fix their miserable attendance this year.

2.) Play in a smaller stadium: It isn’t that the volleyball team has tons of fans. It’s that Huff Hall is about as small as your campus apartment, creating the illusion that there are a crap load of volleyball fans on campus. Putting a roof on the stadium helps. It traps in the sound and the heat of everyone sitting so close together, making it feel even more cramped than it really is.

1.) Wear spandex: When you wear spandex while playing, fans will come whether you’re winning or losing. Why else does Huff Hall get so packed when the volleyball team plays? It’s not for the love of the game, that’s for damn sure. It’s because it’s impossible not to notice the amount of hot ass on the court with all the spandex.

Memorial Stadium can fix this problem with a couple quick tricks. First, shrink the field. It’ll limit seating and keep the football players from looking tired and out of breath running across the field – you know, how arena football does it? Second, stretch cellophane across where a dome should be on the football field. People will feel suffocated and bond through being unable to breath.

Bending, jumping, running—it all works. It’s a live performance of rocking bodies showed off by tight-ass shorts. Sure, the football players already wear tight-fitting pants, but having the spandex as short as the volleyball players’ uniform attracts anyone who might have some weird thigh and calf fetish. Plus, it’ll teach football players to never skip leg day ever again.

3.) Spike the ball: Instead of punting the ball to the other team, spike it to them. Punting is so boring and easy, but spiking gives that great sound that echoes through a smaller stadium. Plus, it’ll make it way harder for the other team to catch. The scramble to collect it after it hits a player straight in the nose will be far more

entertaining than a guy leisurely waving his arm in the air and catching it. Plus, it’ll get the uniforms dirtier. Football players won’t just collide anymore. They’ll dive and slide. The more intense positions they get into, the better those spandex will look. 4.) Put a net in the middle of the field: You read that right. Put a giant net in the middle and watch football players try to get around it. They’ll have to dive under it or create a human pyramid to get to the other side. Either way, it’s better than watching them go back-and-forth across the field with ease. Plus, players can clothesline each other into the net. Or they could do a trick shot by bouncing a pass off the net to a player behind them, who spikes it over the net to score a touchdown. Give the Illini some practice time. It could happen. 5.) Set the refs up on stands along the sideline: Let the players be on the field. The refs should just stand by and watch with everyone else, because clearly

everyone in the stands has a better view of what happens than the ref do on the field. This way, he can really make the right calls. Putting the refs on stands by the net could have its perks. Equip the refs with GoPro cameras to capture all the action around the net. Putting the scenes in slow motion will make it all the more entertaining on the jumbotron. Plus, if you don’t like the

call the ref makes, you can barricade him from coming down from his stand after the game. A couple hundred screaming, drunken fans can’t be wrong. Don’t make this football season any more miserable than it needs to be, Fighting Illini. Take some pointers from the volleyball team and put some butts in the stands.

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