The Black Sheep
fr ee ... l to ike ng ha ue vin al g a lw s ee exy ke nd gre en .
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Volume 22, Issue 7 • 2/27/13 - 3/6/13
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Uncle B. Sheep’s Cooky and Crazy
Carnival-esque Games for Unofficial! tex mex wrote this Well, well, well, welcome one and all, boys and girls, to your ol’ Uncle B. Sheep’s favorite time of the year aside from Clergy Appreciation Month, Unofficial! While all you studious lil’ college kiddies were busy at your studies (or busy at the bars for you LAS hoodlums out there), I was up day and night devising a series of my bonafide carnival-style games for your early Saint Patty’s Day festivities! These games are quick little ditties designed to make you rabble rousers laugh, cry, and for those who are experiencing Unofficial for the first time, involuntarily vomit -- though I know you young’uns will be better than that as responsible and diligent adults. So, come on down, folks, and take a spin on the wildest ride this side of the Big Ten (oh, and save a game for your ol’ Uncle here, would you? Heh heh heh *cough HACK cough spit*)! Boozo Buckets (6+ players) What You’ll Need: 6 cups/buckets and an innate fear of clowns Basically a bastardized version of everyone’s favorite serial-killerlooking clown game from the 60s, Boozo Buckets requires 6 cups to be lined up in a vertical line going outward from the thrower, spaced out generously. The goal as the thrower is to sink the ping pong ball (or golf ball, for enraged peltings) into each cup in order, from first to last. Every successful toss allows the thrower to assign drinks to the other players depending on the number of the “bucket” (e.g. first bucket assigns one drink, second bucket assigns two, etc.). Drinks can be divided to the thrower’s discretion. He or she can then continue shooting for the next bucket until there’s a miss. Should the thrower miss a toss, he or she must drink the amount designated by the bucket and rotate for the next thrower. When everyone has rotated, players go again, starting on the bucket they last left off on. If a thrower makes all six buckets, the rest of the players must finish their drinks. FUN TIP: For a little grade school throwback, gift the thrower with dollar store prizes, like hats and glue guns, for every successful toss. These will come in handy later. Sauced-up Secret Word (1+ players) What You’ll Need: Yourself/bystanders around you and an ear-shattering voice This one’s ideal for on-the-go participants as well as sad sacks who will have no choice not to drink by themselves. Pick a word, or list of words, and stick with them throughout the entire night; these will exist as your “secret” words that no one else outside of
The Rules of Being a Jersey Chaser
the game should know about. Every single time you or another player hears the word outside of your own conversation, yell out in an obnoxiously loud/nasally/foghorn voice and take a drink. For reference, the yell should sound something along the lines of “WWWAAAAAAHHHHHHHOOOOOOORRRRRROOAAAHHHHH,” or the mating call of a humpback whale/your mother (OH HO HO, Uncle B.’s still got it!). This game could have helped alert Paul Reubens before he decided to explore himself in an adult theater, but you and your friends can probably put it to better use. Half the fun comes from choosing your own words,
what'’s inside
Thanks for Playing: Black History Month!
A serious commitment for only the most dedicated pursuers.
Monumental steps forward during this past month.
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but here are some base words/phrases to help get you started: Unofficial, “I’m not even drunk yet,” any of the campus bars, Harlem Shake, drink, shot, “Where’s the bathroom,” I-L-L, I-N-I, the lyrics to “Thrift Shop,” “I swear I can’t walk in these heels,” senior thesis. FUN TIP: For those braving this game alone, pick a common-use word and mutter it to yourself every once and a while. Add crying to the mix for extra fun!
continued on page 19
The Vatican Goes Greek U of I frat boy tries his hand at Pope life.
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contents
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
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page 6: Point-Counter Point: Real Moustaches Versus Fake Moustaches The ultimate debate of manliness.
page 8: Northwestern Settles to Wipe Tears With Future Degrees, Paychecks After Failing to Make NCAA tournament Just a couple of sad, white kids with bright futures ahead.
page 9: The Top 10: Reasons to Look Forward to the Game of Thrones Premiere
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It's back on March 31. Are you ready?
page 10: Work Shape Work Out How to prepare for the world outside of college.
Table of
page 16: Bartenders of the Week Billy and Janine talk about anal.
page 17: Booze of the Week: Old Monk XXX Rum Don't even bother.
page 18: The Blackout and the Beautiful: Part 4 The aftermath of Allie's kidnapping.
page 18: from the streets What are your plans for Unofficial?
Meet The Staff Managing Editor Mike Benson copy Editor Katelyn Lilly Advertising Manager Jackie Breen distribution Managers Patrick Rafferty & Mitch Heiar Contributing Writers Kevin Hanes, Rebecca Jacobs Morgan Foster, Molly Forrest Ashley Perl, Max Russell John McCombs, Ryan Rudolf Austin Gomez, Scott Gantner, Sam Caravette, Kimberly Gleeson
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pr manageRs Abbie Welsch | Chloe Miseck Colin Lateano photographer Graca Haka campus director Brendan Bonham owner Atish Doshi Founders Atish Doshi & Derek Chin Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com Advertising?
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Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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Pic
of the
Week!
Dear Mr. Editor, I have been reading your paper for well over a year now, and I just want to say that I think you should feel very ashamed of yourself. The level of journalistic integrity, as well as your ability to form basic arguments and ideas, is surprisingly low. Sincerely, Iwantanapology Dear loyal reader, You are absolutely right. The content of this paper has little artistic, journalistic and entertainment-based integrity. I just want to say that I am sorry. I’m sorry that, as editor, I allow such despicably low brow humor to pass through my nets. I’m sorry that we make a lot of dick jokes. I’m sorry that we can never seem to figure out how to spell the word “Bisiness.” Frankly, this paper is really not suitable to be read by anyone; I know I certainly don’t read it. However, though I am sorry, I just want to make it clear that I, personally, should not be held accountable for the content which I edit. If you are thinking to yourself that I mean to throw my writers under the bus to save my own ass, you are goddamned right. I’m just gonna wipe my hands of this whole mess and say that none of it was my fault. I mean, how can I be held responsible for the content of the paper if I never even do my job in the first place? Riddle me that! Thank you and good day, Mike
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word of the week Slumbeer:
The last beer of the evening, often drank as a person is nodding off. “If Neil drops his slumbeer, be sure to wake him up by pouring whatever isn’t spilt on his head.”
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Rules of Being a Jersey Chaser Colleen Kulis wrote this These past few weeks University of Illinois athletes have been the topic of discussion, especially stemming from recent overtly-opinionated columns from our journalism counterpart and stated nemesis, the Daily Illini. As a frequent dabbler with student athletes, I would like to clarify something: Obtaining the title of a jersey chaser is a lot harder than one would think. There are specific guidelines that need to be followed. The number one rule of a being a jersey chaser is to not admit that you’re a jersey chaser. The second you expose yourself as one, your chances of hooking up drastically decrease. Non-athletes will no longer want to be around you because no one wants to go head-to-head (seriously) against a 6’3”, 300-pound mammoth. They’ll always feel sub-par and inferior in the bedroom. Other athletes will label you as easy, and you will never achieve your lifetime goal of being a trophy wife. Word travels quickly on the line of scrimmage. The second rule is that you need to realize that athletes are the kings and queens of campus; the rest of us are just peasants. You should consider it an honor to even be in their presence. Athletes’ lives are full of perks and freebies, whereas we live in a world of debt and expensive drinks. There is a chance to move up in the caste system though, however you do need to be attractive, well-endowed, and talented in the BJ department. If you can lock down a professional athlete at the college level, the perks will become yours in the future, and you will never have to work a day in your life.
The downside is that you must accept the fact that you will probably never be in a monogamous relationship with an athlete. They are searching for convenience—someone who will give up their social life to be in bed with them by 11 p.m. on the weekdays. Someone to leave his or her bed before 5 a.m. practice. Someone to be available on the weekends just in case the athlete can’t find anyone else. And of course the one-night flings when the team hits the road for away games. It’s nothing personal; it’s just business. This next rule will be beneficial for you in the long run: All male athletes have a no-condom policy. The thought of getting knocked up in college is a bit of a damper, but the thought of having an extremely good looking kid who'll go pro makes an unplanned pregnancy worth it. Then you don’t have to worry above saving up for your kid’s college tuition. Instead, you can blow that money on the bars and textbooks next semester. Seeming interested in the sport they play is also key. Athletes are narcissists who get off to people talking about them. So congratulate them on their achievements, and if you’re feeling confident, throw in a few made up stats. Now would be a good time to download the ESPN app on your phone and follow them on Twitter. Then you'll always have a quick reference to know if your hook-up’s team played tonight or last night, let alone if they won or not. This final rule is the most important. Do not, by any means, mix teams. Athletes are totally okay with incest within their
own teams, but the second a girl experiments with another sport, it’s worse than bestiality. You will be shunned from the athletic community and have to settle for an engineer. Just because you follow these rules doesn’t automatically make you a jersey chaser. You definitely have potential, but there is some fine print that does apply. You technically are not a jersey chaser until you’ve hooked up with at least three fighting Illini. More dedicated chasers will try to get through the entire starting line and some even the entire team. You become a respected jersey chaser if you bone in the athletes’ Irwin Academic Center. And finally, if you can’t run a mile, don’t admit it.
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Point-Counter Point:
Real Moustaches versus Fake Moustaches Mad Max and Kitty Kat wrote this The moustache—the most distinguishing facial feature that one can possess. It comes in a variety of styles depending on the wearer’s personality and hair thickness. As college students, if you can’t grow out a decent one in a few weeks, prepare to be a baby back bitch for the rest of your life. Believe it or not, women love a little bit of scruff on a man, but when it comes down to an authentic or faux manscape, which one reigns supreme? Mad Max: The problem with real moustaches is accessibility. Few people in the prime years of their sexual escapades can grow a complete beard and moustache combo. It comes in parts over the years, and dim lighting isn’t enough to make up for the gaps. For the less patient among us, who says anyone needs to wait until after the golden years of education are over to rock this sweet piece of hair? Valuable time is being wasted as the young and foolish are ignored in favor of older counterparts who sweat mystery and allure. With a fake moustache, it allows the less fortunate to jump a few years ahead of what their gene pool was planning. Kitty Kat: Facial hair, especially moustaches, announces to the world, “Look at me. I am man.” Without it, I feel like I have to ask a guy if he’s over 18 years old before taking him home and ripping his pants off. Why make girls live with the fear of pedophilia breathing down their necks? A fake moustache may make one seem older, but it’ll end up with me in the slammer for statutory rape, and you definitely won’t be getting a second date after that. Plus, fake moustaches are way too creepy to be seductive. They look like they’re made out of black polyester fur or an art class paintbrush that is shedding whiskers and leading to a gross, hairy kiss. Mad Max: When growing a moustache out, though, there is never
a perfect length. If it is too short in some areas at the beginning, it may resemble a fairly anti-Semitic figure in history. Later on, if the moustache flows too proudly, people will begin to wonder just how deep that person is in the porn industry. Sure there are a few “sweet spot” moments in natural moustache growth that cannot be rivaled. Sadly, like fruit, moustaches aren’t always grown correctly. Americans have proven that we value reliability over quality, and if an artificial substitute needs to be brought in, glue it on. Kitty Kat: Once again, it’s all about that manliness factor. It takes a true man to know how to groom himself to look like a sexual god. If the facial hair just isn’t working for you, take a different route and shave it off. Maybe you’re a guy meant for piercings or tattoos instead—which are so much more badass anyway. Fake moustaches weird me out, dude! They get all sweaty and slimy and sometimes droop off the wearer’s face. It’s almost as disgusting as the thought of fake pubes. Do they have stick-on hair for that too? Fake ‘staches are like the breast implants of the male world. They draw people in until they jiggle and slide around inexplicably, and then shit just gets uncomfortable. Mad Max: Are you suggesting we disband the high-end international jewelry thief career? They rely on the application and removal of pencil thin moustaches to get away with their crimes. It gives them the perfect alibi since people aren’t really that observant. Let’s be straight: If someone is interested in either growing or purchasing a moustache, they are probably getting into some nefarious activities. It’s why people feel the need to shave before interviews and court hearings. And with the long, hard dick of the law stretching wider by the year, there is only one way to effectively disguise oneself during drunken debauchery or espionage: a one-stop shop to the moustache department.
Kitty Kat: C’mon, cheap disguises are so old school. Today all you need is a simple ski mask and a wiped cell phone record to get away with a crime, at least for a few weeks. Look how long Drew Peterson lasted … with a real moustache. Mad Max: What about the ladies? Maybe they would like the advantages of twirling an end of their moustache while they mull over a problem. At least the fake moustache gives them an option over your purely male dominated ideology. Kitty Kat: Ugh, trust me. Never going to happen. We have a whole head of hair to twirl for that. Conclusion: While both parties made very convincing arguments, there is no denying that a genuine, true-blue ‘stache could beat any Party City bullshit any day. The mustache is a symbol of manliness and pride, two things which cannot be artificially produced.
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Thanks for Playing: Black History Month! John McHoneyCombs wrote this
Another February has come and gone and once again you’ve made it, white people! You can finally let go of the 28 days’ worth of guilt you’ve stored up and enjoy being yourselves again. Feel free to cross the street when a black guy in a hoodie is walking towards you or skip over BET. Go back to forgetting that every great moment in black history is also a horrible moment in white history. All the way from Rosa Parks (great moment for black commuters, terrible moment for white bus drivers) to Brown v. Board of Education (great moment for black students, terrible moment for white student athletes). However, let’s take a moment to look back on the things we learned this month. Mississippi ratifies the Thirteenth Amendment: Free at last boys and girls! Near the beginning of this month Mississippi finally became the last state to officially recognize the amendment that abolished slavery. It turns out they hadn’t ratified it because of a simple oversight made when they tried to officially ratify it … in 1995. It’s great to know that I could’ve legally been property before my fifth birthday. This wins Mississippi the longest grudge award within the United States. The whole nation got over Vietnam in roughly a decade. The Mississippi grudge ranks in the major leagues. We dropped two atomic bombs on Japan and firebombed Tokyo, but even the last Japanese soldier surrendered in the 70s probably saying, “Yeah, I figured it was time to move on and stop being a sore loser.” So thanks, Mississippi, for finally getting over it and admitting black people can’t be bought or sold, unless, of course, they’re prostitutes.
The LAPD proves it’s corrupt and brutal: Christopher Dorner wrote a manifesto about the LAPD using unnecessary force on people, and some other boring stuff we already knew. Our research team glued the story together based off what they read on Facebook statuses, and saw that he kind of proved his point. A manhunt was launched to find Dorner after he killed several LAPD police officers, and when the cops cornered him in a cabin they just proceeded to burn it down because fuck him, right? Who wants to go through due process when you can just set things on fire and mess with fate? Nation allows scariest black man alive to win the Super Bowl: Try to stare into Ray Lewis’ eyes for five seconds without puckering your butthole just once. Now tell us this isn’t a man who looks like he enjoys strangling his teammates for the fun of it in pre-game rituals. This is the man who led the Ravens to victory by the sheer terror he inflicts in his teammates. He was constantly vilified for having been involved in a murder, but he made America feel too much like a bitch to say it to his face. Just look at how uncomfortable the announcer was in the post-game interview when Lewis was only inches from his face, barking like a madman because he’s still hopped up on murderhate and rabies. He proved now that all it takes for a black man to win anything is to be too intimidating to say no to. Just looking back on all that, it can be said that this Black History Month was a huge success. Join us again next February when Jesse Jackson sues a full moon for not having a dark side!
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Northwestern Settles to Wipe Tears with Future Degrees, Paychecks
after Failing to Make NCAA tournament Sean Neumann wrote this The Northwestern Men’s Basketball Team did not qualify to the NCAA Men’s Division I Basketball Championship this spring, failing to receive an invite for the seventy-fourth straight year. In a state of dejection, players were seen wiping tears from their eyes with their master’s degrees and future job offers, as they watched the NCAA Tournament Selection Show. “It’s just not fair!” head coach Bill Carmody pouted, stomping his foot on the ground. “We’ve worked so hard for this. Spent so much money. I just wish those kids would get their noses out of their fucking textbooks.” “It isn’t the first time I wasn’t invited to the big dance,” senior guard Drew Crawford moaned, “and it won’t be the last. Now all I have to look forward to is a fruitful life working in finance or becoming a lawyer or something … ugh.” The feeling of rejection was not an uncommon one amongst a team of young men bullied consistently by bigger, tougher opponents throughout the season. “It’s a punch straight to the heart, the primary organ in all vertebrates’ closed-circulatory system,” senior Reggie Hearn explained. “I just thought now that I’m almost twenty-two years old that people would grow up and stop calling me the ‘N-word’ … nerd.” The Wildcats faced offensive troubles all year, with an overall fieldgoal percentage that equaled the team’s average GPA of 4.3. “I don’t get it,” sophomore guard Omar Jimenez complained, waving a single finger high in the air. “I always did the math correctly before I shot the basketball. The trajectory was positively accurate. I just don’t understand how the ball never went in.”
Although Northwestern guard James Montgomery III’s first year salary nearly triples the total revenue that advertising companies make during the tournament, the junior says none of that is worth it to him. “I just want to play on national television for once,” Montgomery screamed. “Sure, I might cure cancer or solve the American debt crisis one day, but sometimes I just want to jam on the hoops. That’s what they call it, right?” Montgomery, doublemajoring in physics and chemistry, explained that throughout the coming weeks of the tournament he plans on watching the games and analyzing the other teams’ strategies. “I’m going to be writing it all down,” he confessed ominously. “We’ll get them next year.” Analyzing the data collected on this season’s performance, Crawford determined that the Wildcats need to work on their offense, defense, conditioning, fundamentals and basic knowledge of both basketball and physical exercise in order to increase their chances of making the tournament in the future “After spending a lot of my college career observing basketball, I’m pretty sure I’ve got it figured out,” Crawford confidently stated. “The ball goes in there,” he continued, pointing his pencil at the basket. “We always thought you had to hold it the longest or figure out the air pressure in the bouncing sphere thing or whatever. Coach never explained the ‘score’ part of it to us.” “Don’t look at me. I don’t know the rules,” Coach Carmody said, raising his hands in the air defensively. “I’m just supposed to show up to games in this suit in order to make sure we still get sponsorship funds.” As the future leaders of the world (or “student-athletes” as some
universities describe their players) saw their post-season tournament hopes disappear, the coping began almost immediately. Hitting the books, the multi-millionaires instantaneously sought comfort in mathematics. “There’s no better teammate than math,” Crawford whispered, as he typed out “<3” on his calculator, kissed it and wiped a single tear from his eye. Although the Wildcats were emotional over their absence from March Madness again this season, the geeks were excited to receive their seventh invitation to the NIT tournament. However, the team’s enthusiasm disappeared when they arrived at the Nebraska Institute of Technology to discover there was, in fact, no official NCAA Scholastic Bowl tournament.
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The
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Reasons to Look Forward to the Game of Thrones Premiere (Minor spoilers)
March 31 is the season three premiere of Game of Thrones, and you should watch it even if you’ve never seen an episode. Why? We’ll tell you why. 10.) Game of Thrones Beer: There is actually a brand of GOT beer coming out in time for the first episode. Don’t complain if it’s expensive and tastes terrible, because none of the characters would hesitate to push you off a balcony to get yours. Well, maybe Brandon Stark, he knows what it feels like. 9.) Gratuitous Violence: If you’ve ever watched a bloody show like Walking Dead, Dexter or Spartacus, then you’re soon gonna look back at them and wonder why they held back so much. Game of Thrones spares no opportunity to repeatedly smash in a man’s face with a shield or take a head clean off its owner’s shoulders. They love decapitations, and after a few episodes, so will you. The only thing more common than brutal violence is number eight. 8.) Gratuitous Sex: The cast consists of about a thousand ugly, grizzled old men, a few handsome princes, and a piggy bank full of dimes. There must be something in the wine, because these horny heroes can’t keep their hands off each other. Every woman in the show is engaged in one of the following activities at all times: having sex, crying or scheming (not mutually exclusive).
The Vatican Goes Greek sammie sea wrote this The Catholic world was rocked a few weeks ago when the Pope made a surprising announcement. On Monday, February 11, the Pope revealed to Catholics all over the world that he would be retiring, effective February 28th. This will be the first time since 1294 that the Pope will retire voluntarily, leaving the church in a critical state. We do argue that having an 85-year-old run the entire Catholic faith seems a little counterproductive, with raises being given in stale peppermint candies and frequent meeting breaks to watch Wheel of Fortune, but we’re in no place to judge 1,980 years of tradition. We were interested in finding out how the students of the University of Illinois were reacting to this sudden change in the Catholic church. We found one enthusiastic student who seemed to be quite interested in the Pope position. When asked how he felt about the retiring of the Pope, Jared P., junior and frat star of three and a half years, responded, “Yeah I heard about some executive stepping down. No idea what the position is, but I could dig a study abroad trip to Italy. I’m thinking about applying for sure.” We decided to send Jared to the Vatican to promote his candidacy for Pope, and keep a record of his introduction to the position in hopes that he would finally realize what he would be getting himself into with this “executive job.” Monday 10:00 a.m. I just landed in Italy. Totally stoked to show off my Italian heritage and my newest tribal tattoo; I’ve been watching Jersey Shore so I can be really authentic. I’ve also been learning how to speak Italian. So far I’ve got down, “Ciao come va bella,” so I can pick up some “coda Italiana,” if you know what I mean. Monday 12:31 p.m. This meeting blows worse than formal chapter. One, I’m not down for
anything else on my head besides my Miami Heat snapback, and the Pope’s gotta wear some weak-ass hat. Two, the only book I’ve ever read is Total Frat Move. What the hell, is this a Bible? Why’s it so heavy? It looks like some Shakespeare dude wrote it. All I know is it’s boring as shit, and the wine here definitely needs to be replaced by a frosty brewski. Crack open that Keystone, Cardinal!
7.) It Will Tide You Over Until Breaking Bad Comes Back: Walt and Jesse won’t be coming back for season five until July 15, and what better way to quench your murderous thirst than 10 episodes of GOT? 6.) Jamie Lannister/Brienne Tarth Romance: If you don’t remember her from season two, Brienne is the incredibly tall and ferocious female warrior who has taken Jamie prisoner. She’s basically the female version of the Stark’s giant servant, Hodor, except she’s smart and has a bigger dick. This torrid love affair was subtly hinted at, and we think it’s gonna come full force in the third season. 5.) Maybe Joffrey Will Die: Joffrey Baratheon takes the cake as the most hated character on television. He has a wild combination of Genghis Khan’s respect for human life and Draco Malfoy’s punchable face. If he gets killed, it will be the most celebrated death since bin Laden (too soon?).
Wednesday 5:45 a.m. Who the hell wakes up at this time?! This is the time I’m usually going to bed after a long night at The Lion and after hours. I haven’t woken up before noon since spring of 2011 when I had that one 11 a.m. class. This is some bullshit. I’m just sitting in this room with a bench and an anal bead necklace. Actually, this cross medallion at the bottom seems to match the design on my Tapout shirt. Italy must be ripping them off! Sketch, bro. Wednesday 4:02 p.m. At least I get to nap on this job. It’s awesome, I just sit in this little dark room and pass the hell out. Although bitches kept going into the room next to me to ramble about all this shit that they did. If I wanted to listen to a bunch of whining, I would have just stayed in Champaign and hung out with my pledge wife and her roommates. Thursday 6:07 p.m. Shit, these old dudes aren’t messin’ around. I just got thrown out like I did at Joe’s during Mom's Weekend when I started stripping for a MILF at the end of the bar. Apparently picking up some tail is “forbidden.” What in the hell is celibacy? Screw that, if I can’t crack open a cold one and find myself a European slampiece, then this job ain’t worth it. I’m going back to America. Ciao, bitches. The Office of the Pope is still accepting applications. Find them online to submit your resume. Hopefully you’ll be a better fit than Jared.
4.) DRAGONS: Khaleesi’s dragons are finally hatched and of fire-breathing age. Get ready for anyone who disrespects the Dothraki to get torched. If last season’s wildfire explosion taught us anything, it’s that the dragon special effects are gonna be amazing. 3.) Everyone’s Gonna Die: The average half-life of Game of Thrones characters is about four episodes. Don’t be surprised if there’s an entirely new cast by the season finale. Not only are the show runners unafraid of killing off major characters, they don’t even feel the need to do it at the end of the season, or even the end of an episode! They managed to create real tension in every battle by making deaths quick, unexpected and rampant. 2.) Peter Dinklage: Tyrion Lannister is back with a badass facial scar. The half-man has nothing left but his loyal lover and a brilliant brain. He’s in perfect position to do something ill-advised and awesome to get back in the game. 1.) Winter is Here: After two seasons of warnings and ominous foreshadowing, winter is here at last. Get ready for some mystical monster mayhem. The men of the Night’s Watch are in for an insane battle (hopefully in the first episode).
scotty g. wrote this
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Work Shape Work Out Reindeer Games wrote this Spring is in the air, and for some of us in this esteemed university, it means the end of an era. For those of us who aren't inheriting a hotel chain or dating a famous rapper, it means we'll be looking for employment. The major problem with this, however, is that many of us old balls have just spent three and a half years learning habits that are extremely inappropriate for those readily employed. Staying up and watching the entire series of Doctor Who while ripped to shreds is a great way to spend Wednesday night, but that doesn’t work when you have to turn in the numbers in to Johnson by 8 a.m. Everyone has the mentality of, “Fuck it, I got three more years to get ready for this shit.” Problem is, that mentality doesn’t stop freshman year. Sophomore year, everyone tells you it’s supposed to be the most fun, so you have to go out almost every night. Before you know it, you're already looking at graduation with terror. Basically, while we should have learned how to solve problems while dealing with people, we learned how to consume enough alcohol to make Rosie O’Donnell look like Mila Kunis, whilst juggling four different relationships. Those days of Bud Light and microwave pizzas have done more damage to you than your newlyfound weight gain. So how do you prepare for a life ahead that will make you wish you could just be a kid again? The first goal will be to adopt a sleep schedule that allows you to see the sun. Instead of stumbling home from the bar with a large pizza at 2:30 a.m. and watching seven episodes of South Park, you should attempt to make it home and in bed by 2, so you can be a functional human being the next day. This may require you to slowly work back from your standard bedtime of 5 a.m. Unless you want to work the night shift stocking Wal-Mart, this is a necessity. Next you should work on drinking less, or at the very least getting better at masking the binger inside you. When you go out for drinks with your new colleagues, your boss will not be very impressed when you suck down 4 whiskey Cokes in the first 20 minutes. You pot heads may be in for a bit more trouble. Generally anything of illegal nature that comes up in a drug test—be it pot, coke, meth or PCP—is highly frowned upon. This means that you're going to have to start cutting back on the drugs now. We know that this will make
Aqua Teen Hunger Force unwatchable, but if you don’t do this you will probably end up on The Steve Wilkos Show disputing the fatherhood of three women’s children. In addition to dealing with your addictions and laziness, we have to cover your diminished hygiene and appearance. As much as all your bros think that letting your hair “rage” all year is “sweet,” this is far from the appearance of the professional. That unconditioned beard that you haven’t trimmed since No Shave November screams originality. It also says, “I don’t give a shit, and will put the same effort into my job as I do into shaving.” Sweatpants and a hoodie may be super comfortable to wear to class, but few majors will find careers where this is the appropriate attire. We also need to address the whole not-leaving-your-apartment-for-days issue. Jobs generally require you to show up. Actually, this all seems like far too much work, and makes our whole staff feel completely unprepared for the real world. We think we’re just going to apply to grad school. If we don’t get in, worst case scenario we can always fail a few classes or pick up a minor for a sixth year. We’re mostly LAS majors, so we’re basically unemployable anyway.
If you don’t start following us... YOU WON’T KNOW WHAT’S SO DAMN FUNNY.
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The Bar Grid Page 1 of 3 SPECIAL NIGHT
Happy Unofficial Weekend! $3 Green Beer $5 24oz. Miller Lite "Tall Boys" $2.50 Wells
Tuesday Night's Show THE PIANO MAN Playing All Your Favorites! $2 Real Strong Island Iced Teas! No Cover!
WEDNESDAY 2/27
$0.15 Wings 8pm Til They're Gone! $1.50 High Life Bottles $2 Flavored Long Island $2 Jager Bombs
THURSDAY 2/28
FRIDAY: Open at 10am! $2 BLOODY MARYS, $2 MIMOSAS $3 BIG GINGERS plus Food Special from 10-2pm $1.99 PIZZAS, $1.99 NACHOS
FRIday! Killer Bee Honey, $5, 9pm w/ The Heroic Charade and Ex-Bombers
JONATHAN RICHMAN (Early Show!) OPEN DECKS with DJ MELLOW (Late Show!) $2 Red Bull Drinks + No Cover!
$2 LONG ISLANDS!
Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas
$1 Wells, $2 SoCo Lime Shots $2.50 SoCo, Jack Daniels & Tuaca Mixers, $3 Long Islands $4 Domestic Pitchers
CHICAGO FARMER with JAIK WILLIS and JAMES MOORE
Open at 3pm $3 PIZZAS! $3 NACHOS! $1 WELLS $2 Red Bull Vodkas
$2 Domestics, $2 Wells Book Your Private Party by calling us at 398-2688 or emailing info@cowboy-monkey.com
FRIDAY 3/1
Happy Unofficial Weekend! $3 Green Beer $5 24oz. Miller Lite "Tall Boys" $2.50 Wells
HEARTLAND: THE FOURTH DJ Dance Party!
Open at 10am! $2 BLOODY MARYS, $2 MIMOSAS $3 BIG GINGERS plus Food Special from 10-2pm $1.99 PIZZAS, $1.99 NACHOS
Killer Bee Honey, $5, 9pm w/ The Heroic Charade and Ex-Bombers
SATURDAY 3/2
Happy Unofficial Weekend! $3 Green Beer $5 24oz. Miller Lite "Tall Boys" $2.50 Wells
VERDICT with SEVENTEEN SISTERS and MANX
Open at 10am! $3 PIZZAS Join us before the ILLINI GAME! 4pm ILLINI vs Nebraska Special Guest DJ Sat Night!
The Dirty Feathers, $5, 10pm w/ Barrowe and Swords & The Struggle
Closed
Book Your Next Party or Event Here! Contact our event planner at CochraneParty@Gmail.com or call 217-722-9000
Big Dave's Trivia Night FREE | 7:30PM! $1 Miller High Life Drafts | $2 Miller Lite Drafts | $2 Jameson Shots $5 Red Bull Vodkas | $5 Nacho
$2 Wells
Book Your Private Party by calling us at 398-2688 or emailing info@cowboy-monkey.com
Wine Night $8 Bottles of WIne $2 Goose island 312 Bottles $2 Wells
Open Mic Night - Free! Sign-Up Starts at 9:30pm $1 Off All Drafts $3 Jameson Shots
$2 LONG ISLANDS!
Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas
SUNDAY 3/3 MONDAY 3/4
Closed
MONDAY NIGHT HOUSE PARTY MASON JAR MONDAY! Open Mic with JAMES MOORE till $3 Bud Light and Budweiser Drafts 11pm, Live Music by $3 Double Wells THE 10's after 11pm $3 Double Jack and Double Soco $1 Slices from Manolos - No Cover!
TUESDAY 3/5
CRAFT BEER NIGHT! $2 Wells, $2 Micro Drafts $3 Import Drafts $2 Shot of the Week
WEDNESDAY 3/6
$0.15 Wings 8pm Til They're Gone! $1.50 High Life Bottles $2 Flavored Long Island $2 Jager Bombs
THE PIANO MAN Playing all your favorites! $2 Real Strong Island Iced Teas No Cover!
OPEN DECKS with DJ MELLOW $2 Red Bull Drinks + No Cover!
W IN NO MOVE T A $200 GE AND CARD! GIFT
if you need it, we’ve got it!
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The BarGrid Page 2 of 3 SPECIAL NIGHT
Green Street Café 35 E. Green Street FRIDAY! $1.99 CHEESEBURGERS and Haus Chips - 10am-11:30am 90 MINUTES ONLY!! Get your Unofficial Stadium Cup Here! Bud Light Green Beer! OPEN AT 10AM
Liquid Courage KARAOKE Every Wednesday at 10pm $1 SHOTS - $2 UV Vodka Bud Light MUG NIGHT You Keep the 25oz Glass Mug!
THURSDAY 2/28
The Day Before Unofficial is... St. Practice Daysm Half Price Whiskey! Half Price Burgers 7:30-10pm BLACKHAWKS vs BLUES 7pm WIN HAWKS TICKETS!! Green Beer is Tapped at Midnight!
FRIDAY 3/1
$1.99 CHEESEBURGERS and Haus Chips - 10am-11:30am 90 MINUTES ONLY!! Get your Unofficial Stadium Cup Here! Bud Light Green Beer! OPEN AT 10AM
SATURDAY 3/2
SATURDAY Unofficial Aftermath Party featuring DJ Cris Sebri Hosted by ADphi
rehab saturday! Watch IL vs. Nebraska Under the Heat Lamps 1/2 Price Burgers ALL Day!
Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!
$2 Fireball, $2 Woodchucks Check out our seasonal food specials
$3.50 White Russians $3 Any Draft $7.50 Italian Beef
Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gamil.com
$2 Bud Lt Drafts $2 Jager Bombs $5 YARDS of Gatorade 1/2 Price Burgers Bring your Yard back next Thursday for FREE COVER!
Catch all the NCAA and NBA Action at Guido's!
DJ Delayney @ 11pm $4 Double Wells Free Entry before 10:30 w/ Student ID
FRIDAY: $3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy’s Open Mic Wednesdays, Special Night Come Play! $5.50 Jager Bombs Happy Hour $1 off all Appetizers and ½ off all Hookah’s (at GSC2) from 6-8 every day. $7.95 Fish Sandwich Free pool during happy hour!!! 35 E. Green Street
WEDNESDAY 2/27
Bicycle and Scooter Storage Convenient Grocery Store Tanning
Open Mic Night! Wednesday Great specials, OPEN MIC Night Come play music $2.50 Corona for your friends! $2.50 Jager Bombs
$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe
$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken
$3 Strong Islands
$2 Domestic Bottles $4 ICB’s $3 Imports and Specialty Beers $3 Cherry Bombs $4 Pitchers of Bud and Coors Light
Happy Green Beer Weekendf!
FREE PANCAKES!!
Starts at 10am - While They Last with Drink Purchase $1 O'Fallon Pumpkin DRAFTS ILLINI vs NEBRASKA 4pm GO ILLINI
Happy Green Beer Weekendf!
Catch all the NCAA and NBA Action at Guido's!
Unofficial Aftermath Party featuring DJ Cris Sebri Hosted by ADphi
GRIME TIME LIVE AND DJS ALL DAY INSIDE & OUTSIDE! SERVING FOOD ALL DAY!
rehab saturday! Watch IL vs. Nebraska Under the Heat Lamps 1/2 Price Burgers ALL Day!
SUNDAY 3/3
Blackhawks vs Red Wings 11:30am $2 ANYTHING!!! Every Liquor... $2!
$2 Drafts $3 All Dr’s $4 Oh Yeah’s
$3 Vodka Red Bulls $5 Coors Light & Miller Light Pitchers $5 Nachos
80s Night Has Moved to Cowboy Monkey!
SUNDAY FUNDAY w/ HAWKS vs. WINGS 25% off all appetizers $6.95 Spazzle and Fries
MONDAY 3/4
Team Trivia Night! Compete Weekly to Win Great Prizes including a $500 Best Buy GC at Finals! $3 Any Import/Craft Beer HALF PRICE APPETIZERS 4-9pm
$2 Coors and Miller Light Pints $3 Cherry bombs $3 Vodka RB $4 Double Vodka RB
$3 Jameson $2 Coors Light and Miller Light Draft 1/2 Off Apps (After 5pm) $7.50 BBQ Pork Sandwich
Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gamil.com
MNJ $2 Bud Light Platinums $2 Blue Kamikazes
TUESDAY 3/5
Time Warp Tuesday $2.99 Cheeseburger 4-10pm $2 Wells HALF PRICE SHARKBOWLS! Hawks vs Wild 7pm
Karaoke Night $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Marky Bombs $4 Strong Islands
$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells $7.50 Roast Beef and Cheddar Melt
Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gamil.com
Tequila Tuesday $2 Cuervo Shots and Sunrises 8th Grade Dance Party!
WEDNESDAY 3/6
Liquid Courage KARAOKE Every Wednesday at 10pm $1 SHOTS - $2 UV Vodka Bud Light MUG NIGHT You Keep the 25oz Glass Mug! Hawks vs Avalanche 7pm
Open Mic Night! Great specials, Come play music for your friends!
Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!
Book your next party at Joe's! 217-384-1790
$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe
$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken
Wrap up your housing for next year!
Office: 202 East Green Street | Champaign, IL | (217) 355-8300
102 East Gregory
The BarGrid Page 3 of 3
DOWNTOWN 1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)
FRIDAY & SATURDAY! O'Kams: The Official Pre-St. Pats Party $3.50 Liters of Green Beer $3 16oz Aluminum Bottles $3 Jameson Shots, $4 Green Guys
THURSDAY: MEME GLASS NIGHT! Collect Them All!
Featuring our Limited Corn Beef and Reuben Sandwiches on Unofficial!
FRIDAY: OPEN AT 10AM GREEN BEER Special Guest DJ's All Day/Night Heated Beer Garden
SPECIAL NIGHT
$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports
Bud Girls and Contests $2 Bud Black Crown $1.50 Bud Lt Bottles
School of Beer $2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles
$5.50 Bacon Mega Cheeseburger $5.00 Hamm's Pitchers, $4.50 Wild Turkey & Black Beard Rum Doubles, $2.25 Orachata Shots
PITCHER NIGHT! $3 Natty Light Pitchers $5 Well Pitchers Including UV Vodka, Evan Williams & Sailor Jerry
WED. 2/27
Please Be Safe!
$7.00 Killians, Shocktop, Lienenkugel's, Third Shift $2.50 Specialty Pints & Bottles $5.00 Magic Dragons
SHACKER NIGHT $2 UV Vodka, $5 24oz SHACKERS, $3 Tullamore Dew Shots $2.50 Fireball Shots $2.50 Bud Light Bottles
THURS. 2/28
Please Be Safe!
$3 Green Miller Lite, Coors Light, Bud Light, Budweiser, $2.75 Wild Turkey Mixers, $5.50 Skyy Vodka Shamrock Shakes Mixers
OPEN AT 10AM GREEN BEER Special Guest DJ's All Day/Night Heated Beer Garden
FRI. 3/1
Please Be Safe!
Happy Green Beer Weekendf!
Unofficial Rehab! Open at 10am $1 Mimosas, $1 Bloody Marys $2 Bud Light Tallboys Burgers/Hot Dogs Guest DJs All Day/Night!
SAT. 3/2
$2 U Call Its
Sunday Funday! $3 All Drafts
$4.00 Double Long Islands $4.50 Hamm's Pitchers $2.00 Orachata Shots $2.50 Specialty Pints & Bottles
Book Your Next Party or Event Here! Contact our event planner at CochraneParty@Gmail.com or call 217-722-9000
SUN. 3/3
$1.50 High Life Drafts! $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders
$2 U Call Its
"Beer Lovers Night" $2 All Domestics $3.25 All Imports
$5.50 Mega Cheeseburger $2.00 Blue Moon $4.00 Pinnacle Doubles Karaoke @ 10
Monday Night Lion $1 U CALL IT $2 Red Bull Vodka's $2 Captain Morgan $2 Bud Light Bottles
MON. 3/4
1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)
Country Night! $1.50 Jim Beam & Red Stag $4 BIG Pinnacle Blue Guys $1.50 Lite Drafts
Ride the Rail $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms Drafts $3.50 All Other Drafts
Country Night! $4.50 Hamm's Pitchers, $2 Jim Beam Mixers, Pinnacle Vodka Shots, $2 16oz PBR/ Schlitz/ Old Style - Tall Boys
HALF PRICE WHISKEY NIGHT $2.50 UV Bombs
TUES. 3/5
$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports
Bud Girls and Contests $2 Bud Black Crown $1.50 Bud Lt Bottles
School of Beer $2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles
$5.50 Bacon Mega Cheeseburger $5.00 Hamm's Pitchers, $4.50 Wild Turkey & Black Beard Rum Doubles, $2.25 Orachata Shots
PITCHER NIGHT! $3 Natty Light Pitchers $5 Well Pitchers Including UV Vodka, Evan Williams & Sailor Jerry
WED. 3/6
KAM'S
$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors
Hawks at 7PM $1 U Call Its!
$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm
O'Kams: The Official Pre St. Pats Party $3.50 Liters of Green Beer, $3 16oz Aluminum Bottles, $3 Jameson Shots, $4 Green Guys Contests & Prizes ALL Day!
$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm
O'Kams: The Official Pre St. Pats Party! $3.50 Liters of Green Beer, $3 16oz Aluminum Bottles, $3 Jameson Shots, $4 Green Guys Ill. vs Nebraska at 4pm Free Shuttle to the Game!
$2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells $5 Personal Pizzas with 2 Toppings $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders
Thereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a reason we renew More Residents
than ANYONE ELSE in the market! The Village at Colbert Park | 100 Village Park Way, Savoy, IL 61874 | Leasing@VillageCP.com | 217-353-6800
[PartyPics]
send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
(View and Send Pics from our iPhone & Android App! Search black sheep mobile)
page 16
bartenders of the week Bartender nickname: Birry
theblacksheeponline.com
Bartender nickname: Candy
Relationship status: Single and ready to mingle
Relationship status: Taken… all ten inches.
Favorite drink: Emile Reece Favorite drink: Saturday Grape
Best secret hook-up: Tony the Tiger
How do you feel about anal beads: Heard nothing but good things … from my mom
Biggest fear: Asian drivers Dream super power: Pooping chameleon turtles
Worst fear: Puking while giving a blow job
Grossest pick-up line: “Godzilla isn’t the only big thing cumming out of Japan”
Best place to get a blow job: Pre-21 Kam’s bathroom
Thoughts on anal: I’m down for the brown
Do you eat or flick your boogers: I’m more of a sticker than a flicker.
Biggest turn-on: Magic
Billy m.
Biggest turn-off: Knee caps
firehaus
janine r.
white horse inn
Biggest turn-on: Big dicks swinging and old balls Biggest turn-off: Crusty butt holes
the drinking game:
recipe for disaster:
It’s that time again to take another classic game from your childhood and rework it into a beautiful piece of art. It’s time for Battleshots. Liam Neeson and Rihanna not included.
Sluts are easy and loved by all, except when they are screwing your significant other. These brownies won’t just bring joyous orgasms to every taste bud in your mouth, they’re also easy to make!
Battleshots
What You’ll Need: 2 pizza boxes, 34 shot glasses, and various alcohol. Number of Players: Just two. Level of Intoxication: If your opponent knows the game, prepare to pass out. How to Play: - On each pizza box, draw two 10x10 grids on the inside top and bottom. Label the horizontal side A through J and the vertical side 1 through 10. - Fill all 34 shot glasses with different liquids (get those cheap plastic ones from Walgreens). They could be vodka, beer, rum, water, milk, juice, whatever you have on hand. Obviously fill more of them with alcohol than anything else. - Sit across from your opponent and open up your box. One by one, opponents select shot glasses to use on their board until both players have 17. - Each player arranges them like the ships in Battleship (one 5-shot glass aircraft carrier, one 4-shot glass battleship, one 3-shot glass submarine, one 3-shot glass destroyer, and one 2-shot glass patrol boat). - Players take turns asking if their opponent has a ship at a spot on the grid. For example, “Do you have a ship on E3?” If the player does, they must take the shot that is on that space. If not, the asking player marks on their empty 10x10 grid that they have already guessed that space and must take a sip of a side drink. - Players alternate turns. - If a player guesses a lot correctly, he does not get another turn. The Game Ends When: One player has sunk all of the other player’s ships. This game is best played when wearing cut-off t-shirts and sweatbands. Crank up some Metallica, too.
download our app for all of our drinking games!
Slutty Brownies
What You’ll Need: 1 package of cookie mix, 1 box of brownie mix, the ingredients those mixes require, 1 package of Double Stuf Oreos, a baking pan, and any additional add-ins you want (like chocolate chips, sprinkles, etc.). Cook Time: Just under an hour. Fatty Factor: You’ll be a big ol’ grenade when you’re done with these sweets. Let’s Get Baked: - Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. - Make the cookie dough mix in a large bowl by following the directions on the back. Make them extra gooey by adding a teaspoon or two of vegetable oil. - Spread the prepared cookie mix evenly across the bottom of your pan. - Line up the Oreos in rows over the cookie dough, covering it completely. Don’t use the cracked Oreos; just eat those gems while baking. - In another large bowl make the brownie mix by following its directions. - Pour the brownie mix evenly over the Oreos. - Bake in the oven for 35-40 minutes, and when it’s finished let it cool. - If you have any, sprinkle your extra ingredients across the top of the brownies. - Slice ‘em up and stuff your face! Sluts are like doorknobs, everyone gets a turn! So make sure you share your brownies, fatty.
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page 17
booze of the week
Booze Review: Old Monk XXX Rum | grade: F Overview: Somehow, without any advertising at all, Old Monk is the largest selling dark rum in the world. Crazy because the only word-of-mouth we’ve gotten was that this stuff sucks. And it really does. History: Many moons ago there was a young man named Anthony. He was preparing to leave home and commit to a monastery, to kinda-sorta follow in his father’s footsteps, who was the local pastor. It wasn’t really what Anthony wanted to do with his life, but his parents looked down on his dream of bartending at a nearby pub for the rest of his life. Upon entering the monastery, Anthony knew that he was already not going to fit in. None of the other men wanted to talk about women, gambling, or alcohol—Anthony’s three favorite things in the whole wide world. Everyone stared him down every time Anthony snuck a sip of rum from his flask. Pretty soon he was ratted out to the older monks, and Anthony was brought into a secret room to meet with his superiors. Instead of being burned at the stake, like Anthony predicted, the men he met were a bit more understanding. “Young Anthony,” the oldest monk, Henry, began to say, “we know that this is not the place for you. Hell, you know it’s not the place for you. What is it that you really want to do?” “I’ve always wanted to work as a bartender, but my father is a pastor, and he would not allow it.”
“Instead of telling the Lord about your sins and having you sent straight to Hell, we’re preparing to make a deal instead.” Anthony’s ears perked up with intrigue. “Go, my son. Go forth and travel to Jerusalem and concoct the best dark rum that you can to sell at your pub. Sell the bottles throughout all the land and give us 50% of the profits.” Anthony was willing to do anything to get out of that prison of prayers, so he took their blessing and set off, failing to alert his parents of his new lifestyle. After compiling the best rum recipe (one that he called Old Monk), he left Israel for the distilleries of India. After the first batch was produced, he sent a heavy, rich envelope back to the men of the monastery. Typical Drinkers: People who make Communion at church, Presbyterian rebels, nuns, old homeless men and everyone in India. User Comments: “The first time I bought a bottle of this it was so bad that I poured it down the toilet. Probably doing that again tonight.” “It literally tastes like an old man.” “This is a disgrace to rum brands everywhere.” Conclusion: Made in India, Old Monk is popularly consumed with just a mix of water, proving that those guys are just way too tough for us. It also has its own international holiday on December 19 and a few gold medals from Monde Selection? What?
Best Mixer: coke• Worst Mixer: water
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Now an American Campus community • great location – walk to class • all-inclusive living • private bedroom • individual leases
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page 18
theblacksheeponline.com
The Blackout and the Beautiful: Part 4 benny boy wrote this
Jerry jumped out if his seat and followed Allie out the door. Once outside, Jerry looked up and down Green Street trying to determine the direction in which she walked off. Eventually Jerry noticed what seemed to be a struggle occurring a block away. Looking closer, Jerry noticed that it was Allie being shoved inside a van by some scrawny-looking kid with glasses and hair parted down the middle. The kid looked oddly familiar to Jerry.
“Champaign Police, what is your emergency?” the voice said. “My girlfriend has been kidnapped! She’s being taken away in a van!” Jerry yelled hysterically.
"Get knocked up." - Annie W., Senior
or what was going to happen to her. After a short walk she heard a door opening and then the song “Last Dance With Mary Jane” by Tom Petty. Suddenly the bag was removed and Allie found herself standing in Illini Inn. “Wh- What are we doing here?” Allie asked, holding back frightened tears. “I told you,” Kevin replied, “we are going on a date tonight.” He led her to a booth and made her sit down. Kevin took the seat opposite of her and produced a beer and two Wendy’s Jr. Bacon Cheeseburgers. “I got all this for you,” Kevin said with a creepy smile. “Do you love it?” “I...Yes, it’s very nice.”
“Ok, calm down sir. Did you get a chance to identify a license number?” “Yes. It’s ‘737-RJC1’” As Jerry was talking to the police, Allie was sitting inside the dark van wondering what was going to happen next. She had seen things like this in the movies, but she never thought that they could happen to her. Allie began searching for a means of escape when the van made a sudden stop. She heard the driver’s side door open and shut. “Were we there already?” Allie wondered to herself. It seemed like they had only been driving for about a minute. The side door of the van opened up, and Allie was taken by the hand and led out of the van. The bag on her head blocked out all light, so she had no idea where she was
“Good. Oh, by the way, you owe me about five bucks for all this. That’s half, which I think is fair.” “Um, ok,” Allie said, confused. “Oh! I almost forgot the Second Story! I’ll be right back,” Kevin said as he ran outside. Seizing the opportunity for action, Allie reached into her pocket and searched her contacts for “Dad.” She hastily typed, “Kidnapped. Illini Inn. Help.” and hit send. Jerry, meanwhile, was somberly walking back from Papa Del’s when he decided that he needed a drink. The police were on the case, and there was nothing else he could do. He decided to head to the nearest bar, which he had determined to be Illini Inn. As
he was heading in that direction, he began to hear what he thought sounded like a helicopter off in the distance. As Jerry approached Illini Inn, the sound was getting louder and louder. He couldn’t take it any more so he ran inside to get a drink as fast as he could. Immediately as he stepped inside he saw Allie and Kevin sitting at the booth. There was a moment of stunned silence as all three stood shocked at what they were seeing.
Jerry ran outside where he saw Allie giving the soldier a giant bear hug. “Thank you so much for saving me!” Allie said to the intimidating foot soldier. “Jerry, I can’t believe that you and my dad came to rescue me!” Jerry, staring at the soldier, began to shake. The man approached Jerry, looked him up and down, and said, “Hello Jerry, my name is Captain Jack Jennings, CIA. My wife and I are excited to meet you.” Jerry, after a moment of silence, fainted and fell to the ground. To be continued...
Everyday after Midnight! WE DELIVER!
Chicken & Pizza
"Double penetration." - Lara K., Senior
Suddenly, there was a loud explosion and the bar filled with tear gas. The helicopter sound grew enormous as a Sikorsky S-97 Raider Light Tactical Helicopter landed on Fourth Street and a soldier rushed in and removed Allie from the bar. Kevin escaped in the commotion.
$6.50 LATE NIGHT SPECIALS
Geovanti’s
Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
What are your plans for Unofficial?
Previously on The Blackout and the Beautiful: Jerry and Allie are on a date at Papa Del’s when Jerry, troubled by the realization that he had accidentally made love to Allie’s mother days prior, begins to act rude and distant towards Allie. Angry, Allie quickly leaves the restaurant and is promptly kidnapped by Kevin, her creepy stalker lab partner.
Before Jerry had a chance to intervene, the van careened down Green Street. Instinctually, Jerry quickly glanced at the license plate which read “373-JRC1.” Before the number could slip his mind, Jerry whipped out his cell phone and dialed 9-1-1. After a moment of silence, the phone alerted Jerry that the number he dialed was not valid. Glancing at his cell phone again, Jerry realized that, due to his dyslexia, he had dialed 9-1-9. After carefully dialing the number once more, Jerry was connected to the Champaign Police Department.
From the Streets
ITALIAN BEEF W/ FRIES | 3pc CHICKEN STRIPS W/ FRIES GYRO W/ FRIES | LARGE CHEESE PIZZA IL 401 E. GREEN | (217) 344-4600 | GEOVANTIS.COM
T UN RY EN VE OP M E HT! 3A NIG
"Taste the Rainbow." - Steve W., Senior
page 19
continued from the cover
Roulette of Ruined Reputations (2+ players) What You’ll Need: A large sheet of paper, markers, a sticky hand/bean bag, creativity, and dignity hanging by a thread Theoretically, this game works better with an actual spinning roulette, but you’d probably waste most of the weekend trying to find one anyway. A dart board would work as well, but on a bad idea scale from “drunkenly participating in discussion” to “having a picnic in the middle of a runway,” it’s probably close to “finger-feeding a snapping turtle.” Instead, take a tapestry-sized sheet of paper (disposable table clothes work well here) and use a marker to create different sized sections within a roulette-like circle. Inside each section, write your own silly rules that will determine the actions that players will perform. Common rules include “Chug until X names all 44 presidents” and “Attempt a balcony conversation with a stranger.” Players should invest in a sticky hand or a bean bag for the thrower in order to accurately see which rule he or she lands on. Out of courtesy, all players should drink whenever the ball successfully sticks to the board regardless of the ensuing rule. The game ends when players A.) become bored with their rules or B.) lose all remaining shreds of their dignity. FUN TIP: For the bull’s-eye section, give the appropriately-sized spot an appropriately-rewarding “Create your own rule” space. Have you ever wanted to see what your friend looks like parading down Green with nothing but knee-high socks on? Your wily ol’ Uncle B. Sheep did once, and now I’m subsequently banned from the Champaign-Urbana district for life! Uncle B.’s Super Silly Scavenger Hunt (1+ players) What You’ll Need: This list, an adventurous spirit and resistance to the stench of public sickness Not everyone partakes in the official festivities of Unofficial, and Uncle B. respects your character no mat-
ter how much of a killjoy wiener you are. So for those who will be spending less time drinking disgustingly cheap beer and more time getting intoxicated off of the fountain of knowledge at Grainger, this scavenger hunt is a great way to have a good laugh or narcissistically feed your superiority complex amidst your peers and your disgust in the drinking habits of a massive public university! You’re always more than welcome to spruce up these games with your own rules, but here’s what Uncle B. thinks will be coming your way this weekend: - Hecklers on a balcony singing “Sweet Caroline” - A couple’s transition from brutal arguing to making out in less than 5 seconds - No less than 3 guys dressed in full leprechaun garb (complete with buckle shoes and chinstrap beards) - A girl in heels walking like an ostrich with two broken legs. - A pool of stale vomit/urine outside (for a frame of reference, use the two-block radius surrounding Kam’s) - A discouraged police officer who honestly just wants to say “hi” - A mortified family during a college visit - Residence hall staff members stricter than the U.S. Border Patrol - The Alma Mater acting as a safe haven paradise for passed out pilgrims FUN TIP: If you do happen to be drinking, keep a tally of your findings and catch up on it once you get back to your respective bar/party. Remember, friends, public drinking is for losers, and in the words of ol’ Uncle B., definitely not worth a record-breaking $115,261 in fines (your Uncle’s been in da Paign a loooooong time, kids). So while you are getting slizzard this year, remember that your Uncle cares about you and wants you to stay safe. Please don’t do anything too stupid, okay?
E T A R B E L E C COME L A I C I F F O N U YOUR s Pub!
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eef B n r o C d e it im L Featuring our s! e h ic w d n a S n e b and Reu
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"Hey Kim, the secret word is 'gangbang'."
Guess this Dress! oscar edition
Who were they? That doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t matter. What matters is who they wore. From Gucci to Oscar de la Renta, the glamour shone squarely on these lavish gowns. Weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re asking you who wore what. The dresses are pictured below, and the answers are at the bottom of the page. Fab-u-lous.
a
B
c
D
E
F
g
H
Salma Hayek Jennifer Lawrence
Olivia Munn Charlize Theron
Kerry Washington Naomi Watts
answer key
A) Halle Berry B) Kerry Washington C) Charlize Theron D) Adele E) Naomi Watts F) Salma Hayek G) Jennifer Lawrence H) Olivia Munn
celebrity bank
Adele Halle Berry
Over a billion people watched the 85th annual Academy Awards, an audience slightly larger than the reach of The Black Sheep. While Ben Affleck will be sleeping off his champagne hangover for the next month, we know the real winners of the evening were the ladies who dressed to impress.
we interview:
Big Gigantic
Dominic Lalli, saxophone extraordinaire of the acclaimed electronic jam band Big Gigantic (otherwise known simply as Big G) has been playing music his whole life, but when his project with drummer Jeremy Salkin started blowing up in the past two years, all he could really say is, "Wow." Other adjectives mentioned: crazy, overwhelming, fucking crazy, wow (again), funny, wild, and crazy (again). Be sure to check these guys out on tour all summer long, at a venue near you. The Black Sheep: How did you get started with the saxophone? With Big Gigantic? Dominc Lalli: I started playing saxophone in school, in band and all that, and then I ended up going to college and getting my master's degree in, pretty much, jazz performance, classical and jazz. I moved to New York and then Colorado, and started getting into DJs and electronic music. I started getting into producing and writing music, and just sitting in with electronic bands, I just naturally wanted to mix in the saxophone. TBS: So when you were listening to this electronic music, what made you think, "I want to put a saxophone with that?" DL: I had been playing music for so long, and the saxophone is kind of just my voice. It's just what I've always done. So I was producing music and then I wanted to start playing melodies, and then I wanted to do some solo stuff and then improvise over it all. TBS: Big Gigantic's sound is clearly a mesh of many different kinds of music. Who are some of your influences? DL: In the jazz world there's a lot of saxophone players, and I've been influenced by their sound and their song writing. You know, John Coltrane, Wayne Shorter, Miles Davis, Herbie Hancock is a huge influence. I've also been influenced by a lot of hip-hop and R&B, Kanye West and Jay-Z, and I grew up listening to a lot of Run DMC and Beastie Boys. And all the way through Radiohead and more rock and electronic type of stuff. Then, of course, everyone in the electronic world; Derek from Pretty Lights, my buddy Alex from Paper Diamond, Griz, Skrillex, all of those heavyweights. I'm learning from all of those people, and I'm stirring it all up. TBS: Who would be a dream to work with? DL: Herbie Hancock, he's just an amazing piano player. In the 70s he did really funky, spaced-out music with awesome melodies and really cool solo stuff. We're really into the music he writes, in that funky, electronic vein. If you heard some of his stuff, you could definitely hear his influence. TBS: You guys play a lot of festivals. Could you put a finger on some of the craziest? DL: Electronic Forest is definitely one of my favorites, the fans are pretty wild. Ultra last year was pretty wild, too. But seriously, Electric Forest is, like, how I came up throughout this whole thing. A few years ago, when it first started in 2008, when it was called Rothbury, I was playing saxophone for the guitarist of the String Cheese Incident's side project. I was in such awe, it was one of my first times at a festival and I was like, "Wow, I can't believe I'm really here." I ended up sitting in with all these different kinds of bands; it was really epic. The next year was when Big G just kind of got started, and we played Rothbury for free and I did a DJ set in the forest when it was just some boards set up and it was barely an official stage. I had never DJ'd before and I was so nervous and it was so funny. Then we ended up coming back, and last year we closed Saturday night and it was just great. TBS: How surreal was it, when four years ago you're playing on some janky stage to closing Saturday night on the main stage? DL: It's fucking crazy. It's just crazy! This last year, just every festival we played at, from Wakarusa to Bonnaroo, where we gave out thousands of these blow-up saxophones right before we went out, and just seeing all the fans, like, fist-pumping with these saxophones, it's just crazy shit. I've been playing music for so long and in so many different capacities, it's overwhelming in the best way possible. Just going out there and being like, "Wow." It's been a pretty wild ride. TBS: So how do you stay sane when you're touring and playing show after show? DL: I try to stay pretty focused, and keep in mind what's really real, you know, just what I'm working for. I just try to have fun and play music and stay in the moment and enjoy it, just kind of cruise through. TBS: Michelle Obama -- bangs or no bangs? DL: She seems a little emo with the bangs. It's cute though. TBS: Describe your perfect breakfast. DL: I love breakfast. You know, probably an omelette, cheddar cheese, definitely bacon, maybe some avocado. Some toast, coffee, and a large orange juice. TBS: Drink of choice? DL: Maker's Mark and ginger beer. Or ginger beer with tequila.
the big three
entertainment-y things to keep your eye out for.
21 and Over In Theaters Friday, March 1
Smarty-pants and straitlaced Jeff Chang (Justin Chon) turns 21 the day before a crucial med-school interview. Jeff ends up getting mad drunk with his best friends because, duh, that's just what you do when you turn 21, and a night of "just one quick beer" turns into nakedness, screaming, and all around debauchery. Oops! From the writers of The Hangover, this movie should be at least amusing, if not relatable.
How to Destroy Angels - An Omen Released Tuesday, March 5
In 2009 Trent Rezor decided that Nine Inch Nails should "disappear for a while." Well, like any good addict who thinks they've given up the Perfect Drug, he's found something else in How to Destroy Angels. Fronted by his hot Asian wife, Mariqueen Maandig, similar NIN sounds remain, only, you know, with a hot lead singer. Again, it's NIN sounds with hot Asians involved. We love it long time.
Archer Thursday, March 7 at 10 p.m. EST on FX
In the newest episode of FX's brilliantly subversive dhow, Archer heads to the Mexican border to take care of a notorious coyote. No, he doesn't want the animal exterminated like a cyborg or crocodile, he needs to take care of a bossy immigrant smuggler. But wait, why not keep a few for housekeeping duties? Maybe if there wasn't an ant problem in the office, Mallory would let them use the break area again.
the riddle
Do you know what's going on down there? Figure out our riddle and send us the answer to the question to classtime@theblacksheeponline.com. If you're right, you'll win something cool!
the madlib: prepping for a pop show Yes, it’s finally here! I bought my ticket months ago, it only took ___1___ shifts at ___2___and a ___3___ or two to get the money for the tickets, but its going to be sooo awesome. Sure, I may be a ___4___ in college, but I’m the hugest ___5___ fan ever. None of my friends wanted to go, so luckily I can meet up with some fellow fans I met on ___6___. Who cares if they’re ___7___ or getting driven by their mom, who thinks it’s creepy I’m hanging out with them, but whatever, we are total ___8___-fanatics and that’s all that matters! I’ve got my outfit all ready, too. First, ___9___ crop top with ___10___-print fringes that I handmade, totally inspired by ___11___, she’s so perfect! Let’s not forget my ___12___ skinny’s with my ___13___ pumps! Oh yeah, and my ___14___ nail decals, yum! My dad said I
look like a ___15___ but I told him that I don’t even love him. And what’s a concert without a little ___16___ vodka and Four Loco? I’m fittin’ to get mad hype! I’m going to try to bring some in for my new friends, but I’m having Skype session with my boyfriend from ___17___ before I go, and I might need all the liquid courage I can get to actually talk to him this time! His English isn’t the best, and he sends me ___18___ pics and dead-___19___ pics, but that’s a cultural difference, right? Plus I want him to finally hear me sing ___20___ ballads, because I think I could be the next ___21___ and make thousands. Okay, ___22___-flavored lip gloss? Check! ___23___- perfume? Check! Extra pair of ___24___, in case I meet the band? Check! Well, here goes nothing, hopefully I don’t faint from all this liquor and caffeine!
1) Big Number 2) Shitty Job 3) Sexual Favor 4) Class/Year 5) Current Boy Band 6) Social Media Site 7) ElementarySchool Age 8) Person From #5 9) Neon Color 10) Animal 11) Drunk Pop Star 12) Fabric
13) Has-Been Pop Star 14) Dessert 15) Famous Drag Queen 16) Flavor 17) Foreign Country 18) Body Part 19) Animal 20) 90s Pop Star 21) D-list Pop Star 22) Soda 23) Processed Food 24) Type of Underwear
Wrap up your housing for next year! WE HAVE LOW RATES AT: • 102 East Gregory Street • 202 East John Street • 810 West Iowa Street
• 811 West Oregon Street • 807 West Oregon Street
Office: 202 East Green Street | Champaign, IL | (217) 355-8300
202 East John
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Mauvelous Olive Green Periwinkle Pink Sherbert Razzmatazz Robin’s Egg Blue Sea Green Shamrock Sunglow Tickle Me Pink Wisteria
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