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Volume 25
The Black Sheep
just Free! from Like gro eatin cery g d stor inne e sa r mp les.
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
Issue 7
Friday Night at McDonald’s 10:30pm - 2:30am
The Gonz wrote this For the sake of comedy, I took four hours out of my Friday evening to sit down in the McDonald’s on Green Street to observe the disaster of humanity we’ve come to know as UIUC students. I swear that everything here is true. I arrived at 10:30 p.m., ordered a McChicken and sat down with my laptop. Nothing of interest happened for a really long time except at one point, an employee stopped by to ask if I was done with my tray. I said “Yes,” and most of you are expecting that she probably took it away. Instead, she set down a half-eaten McFlurry and just walked away. Should be an interesting night: 10:45) A group of girls clearly coming from a barn dance walk in. While most of the girls walk to the cash register to order, one girl stays behind and really wants to make sure her friends know where she’s sitting. “I’ll be right here when you’re done…Guys, I’ll be sitting right here… I’m going to sit here, okay?!” 11:11) Extremely busy all of the sudden. Did I wish for this? 11:32) An unusually high number of Hawaiian shirts enter. 11:35) McDonald’s WiFi sucks. 11:42) Employees are calling out numbers like it’s the Chicago
Board of Trade. 11:50) Everyone is in formal wear for no apparent reason. 11:51) Visionary uses drink lid to hold ketchup. 11:52) Lots of “Keep Calm and Get Your Fry On” employee t-shirts. 11:55) The women’s bathroom is nice. No word on the men’s bathroom yet. 11:59) The purple mural on wall may be slightly nauseating. 12:01) A girl walks in and moans, “McDooooooonaaaaald’s.” 12:05) I notice the serious lack of a Play Place. 12:06) A Luna Lovegood lookalike arrives. 12:10) I could’ve stolen 30 phones out of back pockets by now. 12:13) Piggly Wiggly tank top man is here, everyone. 12:25) A tragic story of a man who has waited 20 minutes for his food begins to unravel. 12:30) A group of three guys considers cutting the line of only seven people. 12:40) “If someone wants to start shit, I’ll end it,” says a small, angry man 12:45) The famed McDonald’s prostitute makes an appearance. 12:50) Girls making out (one girl slightly less into it). 12:55) Eight-person selfie. Achievement unlocked.
12:59) A self-righteous asshole orders fries with no salt. 1:00) A traitor brings in Antonio’s pizza. 1:05) A guy sprints to claim a table. 1:14) Harry Potter shows up, scar and all. 1:20) Harry Potter leaves with Luna Lovegood look-alike… go opposite directions. 1:25) A customer discovers he doesn’t have cancer, good news all around. 1:30) A girl jumps against window, shimmies. 1:32) Three guys, one girl, no cups. 1:35) An overzealous Asian man knocks down McDonald’s sign. 1:40) “The Captain” arrives. 1:43) A man is outraged by the cost of BBQ sauce. 1:45) “Smells really good.”“It just smells right.” 1:47) A girl scrapes out every last drop of BBQ sauce. It is expensive, after all. 1:51) A sad guy sitting alone, mean stranger asks if he’s “using this chair.” 1:52) A second Antonio’s traitor enters. 1:54) A former McDonald’s employee ridicules customer. 1:56) “Fairy Godmother” arrives. 1:59) “The Skipper” arrives to join “The Captain.”
2:00) A customer ironically makes fun of me for having my laptop while I sit and make fun of everyone. 2:01) A boatload of geeds walk in. 2:05) An ultra-patriotic man walks in wearing American flag. 2:07) Rumors of a McDonald’s bouncer spread, unconfirmed. 2:09) Local celebrity, Nichols, makes an appearance. (Really just a bunch of people shouting “Nichols!” at some guy). 2:11) First ambulance of the night... possibly headed to Red Lion?
PAGE 5
PAGE 7
UIUC DEPARTMENTS SECEDE FROM THE UNIVERSITY
JIMMY JOHN’S BREACH AFFECTS THOUSANDS OF PARENTS’ CREDIT CARDS
THE BATTLE OF BULLSHIT WAS JUST THE BEGINNING.
IT’S TIME TO COOL IT ON THE TURKEY TOMS.
FOLLOW US @BLACKSHEEP_UIUC
OCTOBER 1st, 2014 - OCTOBER 8th 2014
2:12) The coolest guy in McDonald’s is wearing sunglasses indoors. 2:13) Local moral trailblazers supply food for less fortunate. 2:15) “Sinbad” arrives. 2:17) There’s a glitch in the Matrix. 2:18) Conga line. 2:20) Singing in Portuguese. 2:21) Brazilian coup d’état. 2:22) Confused couple bring in Jimmy John’s and Fat Sandwich. 2:25) A charitable couple donates $20 to Green Street hobo. Hobo checks bill for authenticity. 2:26) A blonde steals a fry from
black guy. 2:27) The status of the men’s room is discovered, quote: “Someone threw up in the sink so bad.” My plan was to stay a lot longer in the hopes that a fight would break out, but four hours was long enough. The ambulance finally passed by again at 2:27 a.m., so that only took 16 minutes. Before I left at 2:30 a.m., I looked into the McFlurry cup still on my table. The ice cream hadn’t melted.
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WORD
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WEEK
BRILLIAIN’T A word used to describe something one initially thinks is genius, only to later discover that it isn’t.
When I initially thought of this fake word I thought it was brilliant, now I know it’s just brilliain’t.
The above phrase is either a gross sex euphemism or a serial killer’s nickname. Which is it? Let us know by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize! Check back next week for this week’s answer!
THE BLACK SHEEP LETTER Dear Tex Mex, I just got back from this year’s Pygmalion Fest and it was hella rad! I can’t believe Champaign, despite being a borderline middle-of-nowhere city, could attract such awesome acts. Are things usually like this down at U of I? From, An Allen Hall Resident Dear Prospective Urbana Home Buyer, The short answer: No. In terms of the fine entertainment securers at our lovely university, our school usually attracts the crustiest curds of the crop when it comes to big name artists. Apart from State Farm Center getting some washed-up comedian on his “comeback tour” and Foellinger Hall nabbing the occasional cool musician amidst a sea of boring business lectures, the school doesn’t really do the best job of convincing you to spend $25 on a concert ticket over $25 worth of booze.
to the
EDITOR
However… if we’re talking the Champaign-Urbana music scene, then you’re in luck, you hip rapscallion you. It might mean traveling a little further than your usual Green St. commute, but venues like Cowboy Monkey, Highdive, Canopy Club and Memphis on Main are all choice places to check out the area’s mega-talented music scene. Hell, if you want to really get down and dirty, pop over to a random house show in Urbana – if you follow the scents of American Spirits and only slightly-lessshitty-than-frat-fare canned beer, there’s a high chance you’ll stumble upon a local band playing. For someone who’s been slaving away at this university for almost four years now, heed my words when I say that what we lack in athletic talent we make up for in musical finesse. It’s sure as shit more interesting than whatever pop country tunes the frat house next to you is blasting. \m/, Tex Mex
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UIUC Departments Secede from the University Riggity wrote this After months of debating Chancellor Phyllis Wise’s actions towards Steven Salaita, about a dozen UIUC departments – including History, English, Religion, and Sociology – decided they could no longer take part in this university. These departments have voted “no confidence” in Wise and have decided to secede to form their own University of Illinois. The central idea of conflict is over whether this university, born of a declaration that men are created with an equal right to academic freedom in the classroom, gives the right of academic freedom to citizens outside the classroom. Battle of Bullshit Run: The fighting began a few months ago on a late summer day in Champaign-Urbana. General Phyllis Wise, the leader of the University Union, gave a speech to prepare her army for battle wherein she coined the infamous phrase, “A faculty divided
against itself cannot stand.” The Union planned its first major battle, The Battle of Bullshit Run, against the University Rebels, led by General Steven Salaita. Wise didn’t feel her army was adequately trained and was quoted saying, “Ah, who cares. Whatever makes the donors happy!” So, her unprepared troops pressed on to battle, only to get pushed onto the North Quad, leading to a Rebel victory and dashing General Wise’s hopes of quickly ending the war. Second Battle of Bullshit Run: The Second Battle of Bullshit Run took place on the Quad. Wise’s base was the Illini Union Building, while Salaita’s was Foellinger Auditorium. General Wise had to threaten expulsion to those students who decided they’d rather be bowling or playing Dance Dance Revolution than participate in this overly drawn-out war. In an attempt to draw the distracted Union back into battle, Salaita ordered
an attack on the Alma Matter. When he realized nobody cared, he ordered a blockade on all imports of alcohol on campus. When the Union soldiers entered battle, they were too drunk from trying to savor the last of their alcohol reserves to fight. Salaita was able to push Wise’s troops back, north of Green Street and another victory went to the Rebels. Battle of Greensburg: A turning point in the war and a huge morale booster for the Union was the Battle of Greensburg. General Salaita saw Union soldiers “check-in” to Cocomero on Facebook and sent his troops there, where the fighting began. The Union soldiers were caught off guard, forced out of the restaurant, and once again pushed north. When the recently sobered Union realized what was happening, they were able to start fighting back with incredible force. The Rebels were unable to combat this en-
raged group of students who were still pissed off about not being able to drink for a few days, leading to the Union’s first victory in the war. The Green St. Address: Days later at a rally, General Wise gave a speech called “The Green St. Address” that will forever be remembered as “one of the worst speeches in university history.” The list of highly-regarded scholars that Wise had invited to speak at this event backed out before the event began. Wise’s impromptu speech was only two minutes long. She ran out of intelligible things to say a minute in because, even though
she has been leading the war, she has been letting other people make the decisions as a result of her laziness to fully read any of the reports on the battles. General Wise spent the last minute of her speech asking for more funding for the war. This Civil War is still raging on today. McKinley has been flooded with the injured and no one is being treated due to the lack of staff after the newly founded School of Medicine seceded mid-war. If you are injured in battle, please, The Black Sheep urges you to go to a real hospital.
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Underground International Students'
SQUIRREL CRIME RING UNCOVERED Banana Boy Wrote This Over the years, many have attributed international students’ fascination with campus squirrels to them not being indigenous to the international students’ homeland. However, after a recent underground fighting ring was discovered, new light has been shed on the dark underbelly of squirrel culture around campus. It’s been revealed that international students have been recruiting and training squirrels to be their personal minions. From scratching their rivals’ Maseratis to stealing test keys, the squirrels have been committing crimes under the guise of simple animal mischief. The first breakthrough occurred Tuesday night when Jim Daniels, a university janitor, heard noises behind a locked door in the DCL around 2 a.m. Upon unlocking the door, cigarette smoke billowed out
and Daniels saw a ring of students yelling in foreign languages and holding money in the air. As he moved closer, he saw two squirrels fighting tooth and claw. “It was terrifying. There was fur everywhere, and one of them had this terrible scar like it had been genetically altered or something,” Daniels explained, still clearly shaken by the event. After
only able to apprehend one of the fatter, slower perps.
a far more expansive underworld than they could’ve imagined.
“Lately, we’ve been running into situations when we arrive at the scene and someone yells out ‘Scatter!’ and the situation devolves into madness. We’ve had a hard time finding a way to effectively counter this new method,” explained a responding officer.
“There were pictures of squirrels covering the walls from floor to ceiling, and each had stats and a ranking number,” explained Detective Keith Hanks. “It turns out that when we thought students were just taking pictures of squirrels on the quad, they were actually building detailed profiles to find new members to fill their ranks.”
“From scratching their rivals’ Maseratis to stealing test keys, the squirrels have been committing crimes under the guise of simple animal mischief.” inhaling what was describedas “100 cubic feet of secondhand smoke,” Daniels called the authorities. However, when the police arrived at the scene, the students effectively used the scatter technique and they were
Utilizing their latest interrogation techniques (i.e. not sending the student back to Korea), the police were able to find the apartment of one of the ringleaders. Upon entering the apartment, the police realized they had stumbled upon
And as it turned out, the squirrels were being used for far more than a fighting ring. Detective Hanks found extensive video recordings of the training and experimentation sessions the international students had been performing. “There were videos of the squirrels breaking into professors’ offices and emerging with their mouths and claws full
of test materials,” said Hanks. According to Hanks, one of the more interesting videos revealed a pack of a dozen squirrels viciously scratching an Audi R8. He believes the car belonged to a rival ringleader, but has so far gained no further information. The Champaign Police have arrested three international students so far for association with the ring, but no more arrests have
been made within the past few days. Many cases thought to be closed have been reopened with the wealth of new information gained from the squirrel files, and if you have filed an unanswered police report in the past years, police said there’s a good chance that the squirrel ring was involved. If you or anyone you know has any information that can lead to an arrest, please text or call The Black Sheep at (847)-414-5699, any time.
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Jimmy John’s Breach Affects Thousands of UIUC Students’ Parents’ Credit Cards Jupiter Stevens wrote this
Brilliant Student Brings Up Tidbit Learned in Other Class URBANA – Students in HIST 149 reported that freshman Mike Donaldson brilliantly brought up a fact he learned in a different class Tuesday morning.
CHAMPAIGN – Jimmy John’s is the latest victim in credit card breaching.
Donaldson, 18, said he had remembered the small tidbit from his high school American history class last year.
The fast-food giant’s initial reports estimate that thousands of University of Illinois students’ parents’ credit card information may have been breached.
“The professor said something about how John F. Kennedy was one of the youngest presidents in United States’ history, and then it just clicked in my head that he was just 46 years old when he died,” Donaldson said. “When I said how old he was when he got shot, it really put things in perspective for the rest of the class.”
“This is ridiculous,” freshman Joanna Douglass told reporters outside of TCF Bank on Green St. “Now how am I supposed to get Subway for dinner tonight? And my friends asked me to go out later too.”
Witnesses outside the class room heard a collective gasp and cheering from inside the room where students were both impressed and thankful for the extra nugget of knowledge.
A MasterCard spokesperson told The Black Sheep that the company has received over 6,000 calls from complaining students in the past 36 hours – all looking to find answers as to just how the Earth will continue to spin without the orbit of endless cash from their parents’ bank account back in the surrounding Chicagoland suburbs. “We’re dealing with a lot of screamers,” a Visa representative told reporters Tuesday. “There was one girl who actually came to the office, was denied a transfer from her mother’s bank account, and then smashed her phone on the floor. Then she started to cry because she realized she had to wait for overnight shipping on the new phone her dad just bought her.”
According to a recent campus study in light of the fiscal crisis, student’s mental health has drastically decreased. Many are beginning to view life as “meaningless without an unlimited pipeline of money.” “It’s like... I still wake up in the morning, but I just know I can’t go out and buy a new TV for my dorm, so what’s even the point?” sophomore Jerry Taylor said. “Like, yeah, I can try to spice up the day with a run or chatting with my roommate or something, but it’s just not the same feeling you get when someone swipes your card on a register. It was exhilarating – especially when you knew there was no end in sight. Now, it’s all gone. I barely even have enough money for Chopstix every Tuesday and Thursday nights. It’s embarrassing.”
, hought t d n a n eep s*!t.” the lack Sh s i B h e t h n T ha ad better t ever re g e n i ’v h u t o e If y om write s d l u o c “Man, I
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m o c . e n i l on p e e h s k c a l b e h t Print • Mobile • Online
“He showed some really great potential in that moment,” professor John Stackhouse told reporters after class. “I really think he can get an A in this class. With a brain like that, it’s hard not to imagine that he’ll be teaching this class one day.” Donaldson said he hasn’t yet thought about one day taking over the University of Illinois’ history department, but the prospective thought of one day leading the field in ground-breaking research is one he’s proud of. “I mean, yeah, I have a good memory but it’s no big deal,” Donaldson said, leaning back in his chair with an open copy of America: How It Came to Be on his chest. “Maybe one day I’ll use my knowledge to inspire students in the classroom, but for right now it’s all about inspiring my fellow classmates one little factoid at a time.” Jupiter Stevens wrote this
local celebs
OPINION:
What Our D1 Athletes Are Actually Good For Nicco Wrote This
Anybody that knows anything about our prestigious university knows that we can honestly and openly boast about our academics, diversity, and party scene. On the other hand, even though we’re in the Big Ten conference, we uh… we do not have anything close to athletic bragging rights. In turn, many believe Illini athletes get more opportunities than they deserve. If anything, The Black Sheep thinks athletes deserve more because of all the things they do. Here are some of the more underappreciated services our D1 athletes provide other than turning the phrase “U of I athletics” into an oxymoron. They Hold the Potential for Better Safe Rides: In an effort to reduce the amount of wasted white girls stumbling around campus, the university could easily offer a new service called Athletes Against Alcohol (AAA), sponsored by our very own teams. If you’re ever too drunk, lazy, or tired, give them a call and within minutes an athlete will show up to where you are with their scooter to take you home. This is their way of “giving back to the community,” so help them help you by utilizing this service. With a maximum speed of roughly 17 mph, you’ll be home in time to have already sobered up from the light breeze on your face as you hug a linebacker all the way down Green St. They Give Us Reasons to Get Drunk Faster: Everybody knows that only freshmen and the athletes’ parents show up to football games. Nobody else gives a shit. Everyone would rather be drunk at Lion by 9 a.m. But that’s just the beauty of their faulty craft. They give us a reason to drink – not that we needed one in the first place – but hell, we’ll take whatever we can get. So we drown our sorrows before we even get to see that we were slaughtered by a small liberal arts
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school. The fastest way to get drunk is to take a shot for every touchdown the other team scores. If you do that for our team, you’d be stone cold sober with no hopes of reaching the googly-eyed phase everyone wants to achieve at dawn on a Saturday morning. They Keep Tutors Employed: Almost every educational department keeps a staff of tutors on hand to assist students. Just about every tutor has an athlete that’s struggling in some class or another. From dance class, to sign language, and even ice skating, all the tough classes are covered. Our athletes singlehandedly pump money into the tutor economy on campus, so if you’re ever looking for some quick cash, offer an athlete some academic services for just about any class, because chances are you can at least count to 10. They’re Great Around the Apartment: We can’t help but take advantage of their physical stature. If you’re less than average height, then you can’t reach the majority of the cabinets in your apartment. That’s what athletes are here for. Keep one on speed dial for those times you need to rearrange your empty alcohol bottles on top of your shelves. Or maybe you’re moving into your new place and need some extra help carrying the futon your mom insisted you’d need. They weren’t pushed to be in this good of shape for nothing – give them a reason to live! They also give girls something nice to look at (and we sure can’t complain about that). Athletes here do a lot for the community and most people don’t even know it, so go ahead and throw them a bone ... but not literally, they probably won’t be able to catch it.
BLACK SHEEP PRO TIPS
THE TOP TEN WAYS TO CONCEAL A BONER Chris Fallon is a U of I sophomore who, like some of his peers, has a penis. Yet, his is different from most: Fallon’s penis will, from time to time, become erect for no obvious reason. This is a rare medical condition for which doctors still have no known cure. It’s an embarrassing problem for Fallon, especially when he’s in public. Fortunately, The Black Sheep has10 suggestions on how to deal with a stiffy when you’re out and about in Champaign-Urbana. 10.) Draw attention away from your boner: The simplest way to keep others’ focus away from your rod is to make them focus on something else. For instance, you can say, “Hey look, everybody. There’s a squirrel!” Squirrels are a reliable source of distraction, and they’re typically within eyesight wherever you go at UIUC. They also don’t look like an erect penis. 9.) Cover it with your overpriced textbook: You can always hide your shame with that engineering textbook you paid $200 at TIS for despite the fact that you didn’t really need to buy it, because you can probably find it online for free, even though pirating textbooks, money-saving as it may be, is illegal and immoral – what were we talking about again?
Navigating the
JOE’S DANCE FLOOR
8.) Give your erection a clever disguise: People won’t laugh at your pitched tent if it looks like something else. Disguise it in a cute way. Put a pair of Groucho Marx glasses on it. Or, better yet, make it wear an Ohio State t-shirt. Most people can’t tell the difference between an Ohio State student and a stiff dick. 7.) Place a copy of an administration email over your schlong: That way, nobody will ever bother to look at it. 6.) Stand behind the bell tower on the South Quad: The south bell tower should provide sufficient cover for your man muscle unless you’re really packing meat. But don’t be surprised if a passerby asks, “Is that the McFarland Memorial Bell Tower in your pocket, or are you happy to see me?” 5.) Quickly rub one out in the English Building: Or, on second thought, don’t. What the hell is wrong with you?
Mo’ Freeman wrote this It’s one of those fateful nights where you know you’ll either end up peeing in a stranger’s bed, handing out OTPHJs like you were born to, making out with exchange students using your teeth, crying about the house that you didn’t get a bid from, or taking the edge off by grinding on a pole to some T-Swift – ‘cuz the hater’s gonna hate. What’s that? You’d rather go for the high score of the shame game and do it all? Cue Joe’s dance floor: A mentally stable person’s fiery hell on earth with music from a no-name Champaign DJ that still uses iTunes, drinks that have more sugar than alcohol, horrifyingly horny Eastern European boys, and, of course, a constant stream of lights and smoke that wouldn’t even be appropriate at Zero Gravity (R.I.P.). It just happens to be everything and more that a wasted white girl could possibly wish for. Here’s a little guide from us to you on how to really experience the not so hidden gem of UIUC, Joe’s dance floor:
Pro Tip 1:) Chug a Lug (or Five):
First things first, drink alcohol like you just survived ‘Nam. Or like you’re a pirate. Or any other character you can think of that has a fake leg and needs to drown the pain, memories and that syndrome where you have an itch on your leg and then your
leg is not there. You are officially prepared to take on the legendary dance floor.
Pro Tip 2:) Make Your Way Toward the Captivating, Over-produced Brostep:
Once you get to our beloved cesspool, there are a few detours you can take before inevitably heading to your final destination: You can pretend like you have friends working the main bar, pretend you have to use campus’ second-most deplorable restrooms (Ahem, Red Lion), or pretend you just discovered that Joe’s has an upstairs. But you can’t pretend that your dipshit internal wingman (see also: your brain) won’t involuntarily send you to the dance floor in due time.
Pro Tip 3:) Complete the Mating Ritual:
Is your heart beating thirty million miles per minute while your liver feels like it’s three thousand leagues under the sea? Then dive right in. Though, you’ve probably already been dragged in anyways, grabbed from behind by a faceless creature that speaks to you by breathing on your neck and ”kissing” you in a Dementor-esque fashion. Suddenly, there are at least five of these Dementors sucking away at your face as your poor, muggle soul fades into the darkness that is the dance floor. Unless your patronus is that hulking brute you met in lecture last week, don’t expect get out of here un-dry humped.
If you played your cards right, you should have made out with about five people by 12:30 a.m. (these are real facts based on real people, folks). Once you’ve done so, round up your friends and meander on home. And make sure you stop at Second Story along the way, because we all know that meeting the soul mate you’ll never remember in the late-night pizza line is the icing on the cake for these cold, lonely, annihilated nights.
4.) Kindly ask your boner not to embarrass you: Try to reason with your hard-on. Tell it politely that it’s interfering with your day-to-day life, and ask it to please leave you alone when it’s not needed. If it doesn’t cooperate, tell it that you won’t look at that cute girl with the nice ass at the ARC again until it knocks it off. 3.) Leave campus: You always have the option to take a one-way Suburban Express ride back to home, where you’ll be far away from any U of I students who might judge you. Don’t even get us started, Mom. 2.) Cut it off: This is a last-resort sort of thing. Or a “I’M FUCKIN’ CRAZY, I’LL DO IT, I SWEAR” sort of thing. 1.) Think about Robert Easter’s leaked nude selfie: If all else fails, there’s the picture of U of I President Robert Easter in his birthday suit, which The Black Sheep has generously provided for you. Such a mental image is sure to tame even the hardest anaconda. Be warned: This technique is recommended only as a measure of pure desperation. Squirrel Man wrote this
09
Global Warming Forces October Lovers to Celebrate November Instead Winnie Bago wrote this
There isn’t so much to love about October anymore. It’s hot, and an Indian Summer has become the norm. No longer is October about wearing oversized sweaters and running through a corn maze, because who really wants to sweat their ass off in a corn maze nowadays? In turn, the October Lovers club has decided to change its name and mission statement. From now on, the month-long RSO will officially be called “November Lovers.” “Climate change ruined October for us,” Stacey Pippel, president of November Lovers, said in disgust. Pippel cited problems the club has had over the past few years, including how one girl passed out from a heat stroke at the club’s kickoff bonfire event. “Our club’s logo sweatshirt sales are at a record low,” Pippel continued. “Something had to change.” The change of name and aim barely passed in a vote held by the club’s exec board. The final tally was five-to-four in favor of
banning climate change, but the name change was accepted as a consolation prize. “If a four mile-long protest in New York City couldn’t stop climate change, then I don’t think our one-time-a-year club could do it,” said Brian Furrow, the exec member who proposed the name change. With a new name and mission comes new activities for club members. “I’m super bummed because now we can’t go to haunted houses,” said Tina Brood, member of November Lovers. “It used to be the best way to end the season. Shitting your pants with your friends really brings people together.” A Thanksgiving feast is replacing haunted houses as the club’s grand finale event. There will still be bonfires with s’mores throughout November. But now November Lovers are going to cram into a member’s place, depending on who has the biggest apartment.
Some activities will get to stay the same. However, Curtis Apple Orchard is open until December 20. Members can still go and pick apples in The Wizard of Ozthemed orchard, they will just actually have to dress for the weather come late November. “Snow boots are so not cute at the apple orchard,” said Brood. “In fact, nothing looks cute amidst hundreds of shriveled-up, decaying pumpkins.” The trick of the name change is getting the word out, President Pippel claims. Hundreds of students on the University of Illinois campus are on the October Lovers listserv. Pippel and Furrow worry that when they send out redundant and annoying emails about November Lovers, people will think it’s a rip off of October Lovers and disregard them more than they already did. “That’s just a risk we’re going to have to take,” explained Furrow. “The name change has already turned off our most devout
Octoberphiles, so we’re ready to take on the collective disgruntlement of seven more people.”
“To top it off, November only has 30 days. October gave us 31,” said Pippel. “Planning is so much more stressful now.
Another worry Pippel voiced at the vote is that Thanksgiving break is going to take away prime time from the club, giving event planners only three weeks to build enthusiasm about November.
The November Lovers’ first meeting will take place five Saturday’s from now on November 1st next to the soon-to-bedead Morrow Plots. The dress is winter casual.
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The Bar Grid SPECIAL NIGHT
EVERYDAY SPECIALS $1 Mini Cherry Bombs $1 Mini O-Bombs $2 Mini Jager Bombs
Wednesday 10/1
Wing Night! $0.25 Wings $1.50 High Life
$2 Flavored LITs - NEW FLAVORS Peach, Banana, Raspberry, Apple, Melon, Blue Grape, Strawberry, THE CHIEF
SAT: GAMEDAY - Open at 8am ILLINI vs PURDUE at 11am Take our FREE SHUTTLE BUS to and From the Game! Bar Olympics After the Game!
Saturday’s Show: EOTO with SUN STEREO
THURSDAY: TBT at Clybourne! High School Throwback! $1 FIREBALL $2 UV Vodka
Saturday: Pygmalion, $7 11pm: The Chemical 12am: Josh Berwanger Band 1:15: We The Animals
THE CULTURE Hip Hop Open Mic Hot Beats and Cheap Drinks!
No Womp Wompsday! $2 Long Islands $2 Hot Stuff Whiskey
Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas James Jones Trio, $5, 9pm w/ The Ars Nova and The Future Laureates
FOOTBALL TOSS 11pm WIN A 32” LED TV! $1 WELLS, $1 TACO’S 4-10pm $2 Bud Light Drafts $2 Beam & Beam Fire
BAR OLYMPICS: Day 2! SHOOT THE PUCK! - 11pm Win a Blackhawks Bar Table and Barstools (Valued at $600) $2 Beam & Beam Fire Bud Mug Night, Karaoke at 10pm
Thursday 10/2
$1 Wells, $2 PBR Tall Boys $2 Fireball, $3 Long Islands $7 Domestic Pitchers
WILD FAMILY with PENNY HORSES
TBT at Clybourne! High School Throwback! $1 FIREBALL $2 UV Vodka
Friday 10/3
$2 Wells, $2.50 Domestic Bottles, $3 Calls, $3 Three Olives, $3 Long Islands, $4 Vegas Bombs, $7 Domestic Pitchers
Student City presents WILD ON: ILLINOIS featuring MILK N COOKIES
Friday After Class! FREE GRILLED CHEESE starts at 6pm (with purchase of any beverage) $3 Bud Light Tallboy Cans $3 Jim Beam & Bacardi
Kevin Valentine, $5, 10pm
SHOOT THE PUCK! at 9pm Win Chicago Blackhawks HOME OPENER TICKETS! $6 Bud Light 40’s, $3 Jim Beam, $3 Beam Fire Shots, $3.99 Haus Fries
Saturday 10/4
$2 Wells, $2.50 Domestic Bottles, $3 Bacardi, $3 Long Islands, $4 Patron Shots $7 Domestic Pitchers
EOTO with SUN STEREO
$3 Jager Bombs $3 Captain Morgan $3 Bud Light Bottles $5 Patron Shots
Pygmalion, $7 11pm: The Chemical 12am: Josh Berwanger Band 1:15: We The Animals
GAMEDAY - Open at 8am ILLINI vs PURDUE at 11am Take our FREE SHUTTLE BUS to and From the Game! Bar Olympics After the Game!
DOPAPOD with TAUK
Book your next party or event at The Clybourne Call 217-722-9000 or email CochraneParty@gmail.com
Big Dave's Trivia Night FREE, 7:30PM! $1 Miller High Life Drafts, $2 Miller Lite Drafts, $2 Jameson Shots $5 Red Bull Vodkas, $5 Nacho
BEARS vs PANTHERS - Noon WIN A BEARS JERSEY! BAR OLYMPIC GAMES! Play all 3 Games to Win Big! $2 ANYTHING SUNDAYS! $3.99 for 10 Haus Wings
$1 Dirty Smurf Shots $2 Top Shelf
DJ Mingram, Free, 10pm $3 Jameson and Absolut
Monday Night Football Seahawks vs Redskins 7pm $1 Bud Light Drafts HALF PRICE APPS 4-10pm
CAMPUS COMEDY SHOWCASE featuring some of C-U’s funniest! $2 Real Long Islands!
WINE NIGHT $8 Bottles of Wine $8 Bottles of Champagne $2 Wells, $2 Beam Fire Shots
Open Mic Night - Free! Sign-Up Starts at 8:45pm
HALF PRICE BURGERS 4pm-10pm $2 WELLS, HALF PRICE SHARKBOWLS, $2 Bud Light Drafts
Tickets on sale for shows with Twista, Big Gigantic, Aaron Carter, Herobust, Minnesota and more!
No Womp Wompsday! $2 Long Islands $2 Hot Stuff Whiskey
Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas
KARAOKE at 10pm $1 SHOTS Bud Mug Night You Keep the 25oz Glass Mug
Sunday 10/5
Closed
Monday 10/6
$2 Double Well Drinks $2 Bud Light/Budweiser Drafts, $5 Bud Light/ Budweiser Pitchers
Tuesday 10/7
$2 Wells $2 Domestic Drafts $2 Craft Drafts* $2 Shot of the Week
Wednesday 10/8
Wing Night! $0.25 Wings $1.50 High Life
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SPECIAL NIGHT
NFL Sunday Ticket! $5 Nachos, 8 Wings for $6 $6 Pitchers of Miller Lite, Coors Light and Bud Light $4 Bloody Mary’s
SATURDAY: Pygmalion Presents: Chvrches Plus Much More! Music Starts at 2pm
Wednesday 10/1
$2.50 Red Stripe, $3 Jack Daniels, $3 Bacardi Redbull
Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!
Thursday 10/2
$3 ANY Draft $4 White Russians
Pyramid Presents: Vibes, 10pm $3 Red Stripe, $4 Rum Punch, 2 for $150 Luc Belaire Rose
Friday 10/3
$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy, $5 Jagerbombs
DJ Delayney at 10pm, $5
Saturday 10/4
Watch the Illini at Guido’s!
Pygmalion Presents: Chvrches Plus Much More! Music Starts at 2pm
Sunday 10/5
NFL Sunday Ticket! $5 Nachos, 8 Wings for $6 $6 Pitchers of Miller Lite, Coors Light and Bud Light $4 Bloody Mary’s
Monday 10/6
TUESDAY: No Cover @ the 8th Grade Dance
Bikini Bartenders!
Friday and Saturday: $10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm
1/2 Priced Drafts, $1.75 Wells and $2 Imports
KAM'S THURS: Senior Night! No Cover 21+, $10 U-Pick 5 BL Buckets $3 UV Drinks, $6 Pitchers, Live DJ $1.50 Rolling Rock Bottles, $6 Bacardi Fishbowl KamsIslands (Limit 2), $2 Fireball, $3 Appleseed Cider
Karaoke Frattle Kickoff! Over $6,000 in Prizes All Month!
$2 Platinum, $2 Bud and Bud Light Cans, $5 Lime-a-Rita Pitchers, $2 Rumchata, $3 Cuervo, Blue Guys and 3 Olives Drinks Party w/ the Bud Girls & DJ Delicato
Senior Night! No Cover 21+ $10 U-Pick 5 BL Buckets, $3 UV Drinks, $6 Pitchers, Live DJ
Redd, White and Boom
$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors
Alcohol Available Today
$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm
Klub Kam’s with DJ Delicato at 10pm! $4 Blue Guys, $2 16oz Coors Lt. Cans, $2 Drafts, $3.50 Smirnoff & Captain Drinks, $1 Miller Fortune Bottles, Win a Coors Lt. Refresherator Fridge!
Day Drinking and Burgers
$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm
ILLINI vs. Purdue 11AM, Open 7AM Pregame Party w/ Coors Light 7-11AM $3 22oz Coors Lt. Cans, $3 Cans $4 Pinnacle Blue Guys, Jager Marys $4 Bombs, $4 Beam & Stag Bloody Mary Bar and Free Shuttle
Pygmalion Presents: American Football Plus Much More! Music Starts at 2pm
Bears & Buckets
$2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells, $5 Personal Pizzas with 2 Toppings $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders
NFL Sunday Funday! $2 U Call It: Wells, Bottles, Drafts
$2 Bud Light and Miller Lite Drafts, $3 Jameson, 1/2 off Apps after 8pm
Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gmail.com
MNJ
$1.50 High Life Drafts! $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders
Zondr Party and MNF! Open at 7:30 $2 U Call Its
Tuesday 10/7
$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells
Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gmail.com
No Cover @ the 8th Grade Dance
1/2 Price Tuesdays! 1/2 Price Pool All Day, $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)
Country Night! Drink in Your Mason Jar
Wednesday 10/8
$2.50 Red Stripe, $3 Jack Daniels, $3 Bacardi Redbull
Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!
Bikini Bartenders!
1/2 Priced Drafts, $1.75 Wells and $2 Imports
$1.50 Rolling Rock Bottles, $6 Bacardi Fishbowl KamsIslands (Limit 2), $2 Fireball, $3 Appleseed Cider
$1.50 Whiskey Drinks, $1.50 Coors Lt. Btls, $7.50 5 Bottle Buckets, $1.50 Drafts, $2 Moonshine Drinks/Shots, $2 Beam Fire Shots, $2 Beam Fire & Ginger
Karaoke Frattle! Over $6,000 in Prizes All Month!
$2 Platinum, $2 Bud and Bud Light Cans, $5 Lime-a-Rita Pitchers, $2 Rumchata, $3 Cuervo, Blue Guys and 3 Olives Drinks Party w/ the Bud Girls & DJ Delicato
WEDNESDAY! Logo Glass Day!
WEDNESDAY 10/1: WPGU & Jim Beam presents... Frattle of the Bands! Starts at 11pm $2 Jim Beam Fire $4 Cruzan Rum Buckets
Late Night Meal Everyday After 12! 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza
MONDAY $1 Drafts, Wells, Shots 1/2 Off Burgers 4-9PM
Trivia Night (8-10PM), $4 Boiler Makers
Logo Glass Day!
WPGU & Jim Beam presents... Frattle of the Bands Starts at 11pm $2 Jim Beam Fire $4 Cruzan Rum Buckets
$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza
$7.50 Rum and Cola Pitchers, Miller and Coors Pitchers $2 Dr. Menthol and Rumchata $0.50 Jumbo Wings, $1 Chicken Fingers
$1 Off Scotches, $3 Featured Shot
$8 Pitchers of Killians, Leinenkugels and Shocktop
SHACKER NIGHT Get the Brand New 22oz SHACKER CUP $2 UV Vodka $2 Hot Stuff
$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza
$3 Jack, Bird Dog, and Soco Drinks $1 Horse Tranquilizers $3 Das Boot, $5 Fills 1/2 Off Sandwiches After 4PM
BIG Friday - NO COVER! Plus 4 o’clock Club
$2.50 PBR Tall Boys
$5 Wild Turkey or Skyy Doubles Miller Crush Party (6-8)
Open at 5pm! $1 Fratty Natty Bottles $3 Jager Bombs
$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza
$2.50 Coronas, $3.50 Bacardi Flavors Half Off German Sausage Meals After 4PM
Solo Cup Saturday NO COVER
$2.50 PBR Tall Boys
$3.50 20oz Miller and Coors Drafts
GAMEDAY Open to the Public at Noon
$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza
$3 Captain, Crown, and 3 Olives Drinks $3 20oz Miller and Coors Drafts
$7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza
$1 Drafts and Wells, $3 Bloody Marys Brunch from 11 am–3 pm REHAB 1/2 Off Big Breakfast with Stamp
Friday 4 o’Clock Club 1/2 Price Appetizer 4 ‘til 5
No Cover! ALL Bottles on sale Thirsty Thursday! No Cover! $2 Well Drinks $2 Domestic Beers
FRIDAY AND SATURDAY! $2.50 PBR Tall Boys
Sunday Funday $3 ALL DRAFTS
$1 Hamms, $2 Rails, $3 Jameson and Powers
Get Ready for Trivia Night! $4 Well Doubles
Book your next Party or Event at RED LION! Call 217-722-9000 or email us at CochraneParty@gmail.com
Beer Lover’s Night! Every single beer is on sale
Abe Froman Project Improv Comedy 8:30
Fame Fantasy Karaoke 10pm, No Cover AND $1.25 PBR
BINGO NIGHT! $3 Drafts of Blue Moon, Angry Orchard and Sam Adams Family
MONDAY NIGHT LION $1 WELLS $2 HOT STUFF $3 MONSTER VODKA’S
$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza
$1 Drafts, Wells, Shots 1/2 Off Burgers 4-9PM
No Cover! ALL Drafts on sale
Reggae Night at 10PM, $4 Boiler Makers
$2 Tall Boys of Old Style, PBR, Schlitz and Miller Lite
SENIOR NIGHT $2 LONG ISLANDS, $2 WELLS $2 BUD LIGHT BOTTLES Bags Tourney at 9pm
$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza
$2 Any Draft, $2 Wells $6 Pitchers (Excl. Guinness) $1 TACOS ALL DAY
Trivia Night (8-10PM), $4 Boiler Makers
Logo Glass Day! Party with the Fireball Girls!
$4 CRUZAN RUM BUCKETS $2 BEAM KENTUCKY FIRE SHOTS $3 JIM BEAM
$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza
$7.50 Rum and Cola Pitchers, Miller and Coors Pitchers $2 Dr. Menthol and Rumchata $0.50 Jumbo Wings, $1 Chicken Fingers
No Cover! ALL Bottles on sale
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The Best of
ON THE STREETS
JOE’S BIKINI CONTEST!
What piece of media would benefit most from replacing one word with “ass,” and what does it turn into?
ELIZABETH, SENIOR “How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days to How to Lose an Ass in Ten Days… but why would you want to?
MARY KATE, SOPHOMORE “Boy Meets World to Boy Meets Ass. Kind of sounds like a porno.”
ZOE, SOPHOMORE “America’s Next Top Model to America’s Next Top Ass.”
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BARTENDERS of the WEEK
GRACE of FIREHAUS
Relationship Status: Taken Major: Psychology Favorite Drink: Vodka water peebs! Favorite Shot: A body shot. Disgusting Drink: Anything without cream. What do you think Captain Morgan is hiding behind that moustache?: Herpes Ordering a martini in a college bar is…: A way to make people think you’re a pretentious ass. Where’s the last strange place you’ve woken up?: The Morrow Plots. What now-irrelevant athletic achievement are you most proud of?: Getting my ears pierced is about the most athletic thing I’ve ever done. What chain restaurant is criminally underrated?: Torticas… it’s not a chain restaurant but maaaaargs! If you had to fill a mason jar with tears in 24 hours or less, how would you do it?: Spend a day with Justin Bieber. How do you shave a rooster?: You don’t, you wax it. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because it’s the shit!
THE DRINKING GAME
MATT of KAM’S
Relationship Status: Liza Minnelli Major: Wright Favorite Drink: Guccio Favorite Shot: Beer-quila Disgusting Drink: Daddy… What do you think Captain Morgan is hiding behind that moustache?: Two baseball fields. Ordering a martini in a college bar is…: A dick move. Where’s the last strange place you’ve woken up?: On top of a washing machine. What now-irrelevant athletic achievement are you most proud of?: Losing two state championships. What chain restaurant is criminally underrated?: Outback Steakhouse… Bloomin’ Onion is the titties. If you had to fill a mason jar with tears in 24 hours or less, how would you do it?: Bring my mom out with me for a night. How do you shave a rooster?: Grab it by the cock. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Kevin-Hanes-Gonzalez
RECIPE FOR DISASTER
DON’T PUKE IN YOUR SHOES!
WASHED-UP MASHED POTATOES
Hey you stupid, drunk idiot, don’t puke in your shoes. Aren’t you sick of that mushing between your toes every time you put your shoes on in the morning? Just aim to the left a little bit!
Look at that shit. Do you see the spuds winding out of its side? It’s disgusting. It’s disgusting a potato like that is even still around anymore. Didn’t it know its time was up weeks ago and it should’ve just gone out on top when it was at its peak? Let’s get rid of this guy once and for all – get your oven mitts! It’s time to make some washed-up mashed potatoes.
What You’ll Need: Some sort of container (garbage can, mop bucket, not a pair of shoes, etc.) Number of Players: Two (player one is the puker, player two cleans up and has a shitty night.) Level of Intoxication: High enough to need to puke in an odd item, low enough to have the capability to choose something other than your shoe. How to Play: - Go out to a bar and get accurately drunk enough to fall within our recommended “level of intoxication.” - Stumble back home (do NOT lose your shoes.) - Arrive home and take off your shoes. - At this point, it may be good strategy to hide your shoes or throw them onto a high platform (shelf, top of the fridge) that way you can’t possibly puke in them. - Focus intently on your garbage can or bucket (do NOT look away.) - When you finally have to puke, aim for the garbage can or bucket (may also be a good strategy to play with a teammate who can intercept your shoes from your path of puke.) The Game Ends When: You puke (a win or loss is determined by whether you feel something warm and oddly comfortable in your shoes the next morning.)
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What You’ll Need: A sense of grit, determination, and nerves. This potato overstayed its welcome and you are NOT happy about it. Cook Time: As fast as possible, if we wait any longer it may start to root. Fatty Factor: Don’t worry about this; it’s all going to be worth it when it’s over. Let’s Get Baked: - Grab that son of a bitch and shave those gross growths off its side. Does it even think about how it looks when it goes out in public? - Snatch a pot and fill it with boiling-hot water. Then boil it some more. This guy isn’t making it out of here alive. - It’s time to truly embarrass the potato. Shave the skin off and leave it sitting bare on the counter. It didn’t have the self-respect enough to call it quits at the right moment, now look what it’s clinging on to – a life of naked worthlessness. - BOIL IT, BOIL IT, BOIL IT. - Watch it shrivel up like the washed-up potato it is. - Now throw it out in the trash. You’re not eating this recipe today, folks. This time it was all about setting things straight.
NOMNOMNOM AT THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
BOOZE REVIEW Redd’s Apple Ale® (The Official Drink of The Black Sheep) Grade: A+ Tex Mex Wrote This
Despite our do-it-yourself attitude here at The Black Sheep, we of all people understand that, just like the 75% chemical-free recycled plastic used for our print issues, money doesn’t grow on trees. Because of this, we have to draw the line somewhere in our normally anti-corporate mission statement. While our benefactors at Honda, Ltd. have graciously provided most of our funding over the years, failing to mention our other sponsor, Redd’s Brewing Company, would be sacrilege. So, cheers to Redd’s Apple Ale®, the undisputed (and official) drink of The Black Sheep.
User Comments: - “Hard cider? Why would anyone want to force that citrusy sewage down their throats? No thanks, I’ll stick to my ale.” - “I can’t believe how much sex I’m having compared to when I drank my formerlypreferred craft beer! Thanks, Redd’s Apple Ale®!” - “Say, did you know that Redd’s also has Strawberry Ale® available as well?” - “Just look at all this free Redd’s Apple Ale® they sent us… Honda never sent us shit. Make sure to strike that last bit from the record.”
Smells like: An aromatic orgy of both Red Delicious and Granny Smith apples ready to get it on right in front of your nostrils. Sounds like it’d go great with those Buffalo wings, eh sport?
You’ll like this if you like: Getting together with the guys after work to catch the game at your local sports bar/getting together with the girls for a wild night on the town!
Tastes Like: A crisp, refreshing blend of applesaturated sweetness doing its part by making love to each and every one of your taste buds individually. What’s that? A French fry is blocking the passage to those apple-horny erroneous zones? Wash it down with a swig of Redd’s Apple Ale®.
Best Described as an Alcoholic Apple Drink Superior to: Angry Orchard, Woodchuck, Magners, Strongbow, Stella Artois (how pretentious can you get with a name like that?)
Typical Drinkers: - The Black Sheep corporate staff. - The Black Sheep writing staff. - The Black Sheep marketing staff. - Young and attractive 18-25-somethings (such as yourself, you devilishly sexy gentleman/lady).
What the Attractive, Potential Mate at the Other End of the Bar Would Say if He/She Saw You Drinking This: “Oh, I see you’re drinking Redd’s Apple Ale® there. Would you mind if I went home with you to engage in unadulterated, fantasy-specific sex acts?” Common Food Pairing Suggestions: Buffalo wings, a fine steak dinner, confidence. We mixed it with: More Redd’s Apple Ale®
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Snyder Hall Recluse Hyped
for 2014-2015 Flu Shot Season Tex Mex Wrote This
CHAMPAIGN – Apart from being driven to his only non-online class once-a-week at Gregory Hall, Snyder Hall recluse and resident albino David Wilkins has only left his dorm room five times this semester. While deathly afraid of the airborne pathogens constantly wreaking havoc across the university’s atmosphere, the freshman claims he’s finally ready to venture out across the Quad to kick off the 2014-2015 flu shot season. “Save for that awful College 100 class I’m required to take, I don’t get out much,” stuttered a perpetually non-blinking Wilkins. “But ever since I saw that the university supports a semester-long tour of flu vaccinations across campus, I knew that was my chance to finally experience college… well, in the 15-minute intervals mother has allotted at least.” Starting at McKinley Health Center, Wilkins is planning on visiting each of the campus buildings he has yet to see, exclusively
where flu shots are being offered. As of Tuesday, his travels have already taken him to the ACES Library, PAR, and PAR again once their clinic reopened. Other flu shot tour venues for the week will introduce Wilkins to the Ike, FAR, and the Veterinary Medicine Atrium. While clinic volunteers continually assure Wilkins that a single dose will cover him for the entire flu season, the born-again germaphobe has proudly displayed his syringe bandages with pride, often asking the clinic workers to autograph his BandAids at each location. “This campus is unbelievably huge!” spurted a hyperactive Wilkins picking at his assortment of tan bandages garnered during the tour. “Like, did you know there are more dorms on campus than Snyder? Mother always told me that everywhere else on campus was probably stricken with Ebola by now. But now I’m finally getting to travel and see the world of Champaign.
And the best part is that I’m completely healthy!” Wilkins wished he could talk more, but hurried off to the next clinic venue when his heart rate began to stabilize again. While the heavily-vaccinated 18-year-old is having the time of his life exploring the outdoors in 15-minute intervals, Wilkins’ enthusiasm for the flu shot tour isn’t widely shared across his peers and largely everyone else on campus. “I don’t know how he’s doing it, but the dude has to have had at least five or six shots by now,” claimed fellow Snyder resident Leslie Albers. “I know his floormmates used to hear him doing nothing except watching Netflix and constantly cleaning his room with Lysol and wet wipes, only cracking open his door to accept packages of canned foods his mom sends him. I don’t think he’s even been inside the building ever since those shots started.”
Wilkins’ floormmates also chimed in on the resident’s abnormal tendency to leave the building to go outside. “The other guys and I are pretty sure David’s hopping from clinic to clinic and sleeping inside the building that holds the last vaccination session for the day,” commented Wilkins’ closest floormmate in terms of distance from his room. “I know Snyder’s substance-free and all, but this guy’s probably had more needles
in his arm in the past 48-hours than the sketchiest of Green Street bums.” While it has become increasingly more difficult to locate Wilkins, it’s hypothesized that he’ll be traveling along caravan-style wherever the flu shot tour heads next. Come next Monday, flu shot-goers can expect to see Wilkins receiving his next flu shot at the UGL, assuming his right arm is still attached.
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205 Busey • 1 bedroom apartment, $350-$600 712 Stoughton • 3 bedroom house, $1250 801 Stoughton • 2/3 bedroom condo, $1350
109B North Busey • 3 bedroom condo, $1400 107A North Busey • 3 bedroom condo, $1400 802a West Springfield • 2/3 bedroom condo, $1350
DONATO FINANCIAL PROPERTY MANAGEMENT Contact Anthony Donato at 773-217-8491 to set up a showing!
The BluzzSheed Buzzfeed has made a name for itself by posting gifs and pictures that go viral, and to be honest we’re a bit put off here at The Black Sheep. What they do isn’t very hard, you’ve just got to find a random number of pictures and a sentence that any schmuck can relate to, just like a horoscope. To prove our point that we are the superior media conglomerate, we’ve tried our hand at their little game. Without further ado, we present The Black Sheep image-with-quote spectacular! Banana Boy wrote this
4 Pictures That Will Remind You That You’re Just a Speck and What’s The Point of Taking That Midterm And What’s the Point of Anything Really Look at us just floating out there.
5 Sloths Blissfully Unaware Their Homes Are Being Destroyed to Make Paper This idiot’s smile won’t last long.
Look how tiny we are. What’s the point?
This sloth’s tree is getting burned to the ground. This guy’s best friend just got frozen.
This guy’s home was destroyed so you could hold this paper in your hand. The guy’s family tree is now mulch for your garden.
All those people look like ants. Are our lives really worth more than theirs?
According to Men in Black, aliens play marbles with our galaxy, why shouldn’t we play more?
6 Monkeys Wearing Dresses That Share 99% of our DNA So It’s Not Weird To Find Them Attractive
She’s scared of you, too.
I’ve got a thing for famous actresses.
3 Babies That You’ll Never Believe Turned Into Assholes
Get a load of that smile.
Maybe not a 10 but a 6 at least.
Check out that cleavage!
She’d totally bang her boss to get a raise.
These 6 Squirrels Wearing Hats Make You Realize How Much You Miss Your Mom
This asshole committed arson.
These two assholes stole 15 million dollars.
This little prick started World War II.
Remember going to the Fourth of July parade with her?
Remember when she used to make you sandwiches?
Remember when she’d get you ready to go out in the snow?
Remember when she told you to stay away from Shriners?
You won’t see her on your birthday.
Remember watching Pan with her on VHS?
Peter
THE BACK PAGE
do you know these album covers? Do you know all 8 of these album covers? Oh, you do, do ‘ya? Well, email us at classtime@theblacksheeponline.com. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!
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Desperate Professor Takes Drastic Measures to Get Students at Office Hours Katie Got Bandz wrote this
In a desperate and pathetic attempt to attract students to office hours, horticulture professor Alan Allen has been taking extreme measures to entice his students in the art of garden cultivation and plant keeping. “Plants are kool,” states Allen in his HORT 101 syllabus, which is written in 72-type Comic Sans. “If you come to my office hours, you will be kool too.” Many students take HORT 101 because it’s a complete blow-off class for seniors, who then completely disregard Professor Allen’s pathetic pleas to visit him during office hours. “At first it was kinda cute how hard he tried to get us to come, like in an endearing puppy way,” stated one student in the class. “Now he has gotten straight-up creepy, and many students have stopped coming to class just to avoid him.” In the beginning of the semester, Allen offered candy as an incentive for coming to office hours before realizing most college students don’t give two shits about a fun-
sized Snickers. After, he really upped the ante. Allen started offering king-size candy bars and then gift cards to restaurants on Green Street, until he finally offered to write students personal checks if they popped in just to say “hey.” These attempts were still to no avail, as not a single soul stepped into Allen’s office hours.
“At first it was kinda cute how hard he tried to get us to come, like in an endearing puppy way.” “After Professor Allen practically had to buy us to come to office hours, no one wanted to go because why would one man be so desperate to talk to college students?” stated another student in the class. “He started to get extreme, and even creepier than before. One of the worst things he did was Photoshop his face onto Oprah’s body and made a PowerPoint slide that said if
we came to office hours we would all get a free car. I heard someone went, and they actually got a brand new car.” During the summer, Allen also renovated his office to make it more student-friendly, completely “pimping” it out. “Since I’m the only horticulture professor in the entire department, I have ample office space to make this place a hip spot the students can jive in,” said Allen, drinking Coca Cola out of a bendy straw. “I have strobe lights, a cotton candy machine, and this summer I made an extremely exciting acquisition of a Dance Dance Revolution machine from an old Dave and Buster’s. These students will be completely blown away.” Most students have not been completely blown away, however. “His office is actually ridiculous,” reported one of his female students. “I went one day just to ask a question about an upcoming test, but there were lava lamps and posters of cats everywhere. He even had a photo booth in the corner where he said we could take
pictures for me to upload onto MySpace. He’s clearly been out of touch for a while.” Another student said she accidentally stumbled into his office one day when she was looking for another room, and the scene she walked into was quite disturbing. “When I walked into the room, I just heard Professor Allen muttering to himself. When I got closer, I realized he had printed out everyone’s pictures that they use on Compass and glued them to Popsicle sticks, and was actually having
the sticks talk to him, as if they were really there,” the student said. “Luckily he was too engrossed in his fake conversation and he didn’t notice me, but the man has issues.” “Gee Professor Allen, you are just the coolest professor ever, and I love hanging out at your office hours,” Allen was heard using a squeaky girl’s voice, acting as one of his students. “Well thanks,” a delusional Allen replied, as himself. “I have some really exciting new ideas for next year. One involves some chloroform.”
SIX DEGREES OF SEPARATION KATE UPTON
MORGAN FREEMAN Kate Upton and Morgan Freeman are connected in - you guessed it - six degrees. Do you know how that’s possible? Tweet us your answers or send us the breakdown at classtime@theblacksheeponline.com. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!
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