The Black Sheep
F PEE REE... ...W LIK AIT E TH , TH E G AT'S REE NOR N IN M A YO U L, R R IGH T?
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Vol. 24, Issue 8
THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
3/12/14 - 3/19/14
ILLINI BASKETBALL SEASON
GOING EXACTLY AS PLANNED JUPITER STEVENS WROTE THIS
In the midst of a wild, late-season turnaround, Illini basketball coach John Groce said the season is going “exactly as planned.”
Groce said the team might even have to lose in the first round of the Big Ten Tournament in order to preserve the season-long gimmick.
Smiling with his arms around reporters’ shoulders, Groce was heard yelling, “Isn't this great?! Man, it's all coming together so perfectly!”
“I mean, this whole thing has been going on for years,” Groce said of the program's statistically disguised talent. “In 2004-05, we almost cashed in on the whole thing, but at the last second we sort of thought it would be way better if we gave it a few more years.”
It's been rumored the coach has been trying to pass off the team's 7-11 conference record as a form of hustling other teams around the league and making college basketball analysts nationwide believe the Illini were simply a bad team. “You should have seen everyone's faces,” Groce said after Saturday's dramatic win over Iowa. “We totally made everyone in the NCAA think we were just a bunch of bad players who couldn't get it together all season long. How funny was it when the final buzzer went off against Iowa?!” The head coach said the team's embarrassing loss to Michigan was intentional, explaining that their cover was being blown after winning their previous four games. “People were starting to catch on,” Groce said. “We had to lay down and sort of just take that one or else people would have forgotten how terrible we've looked all season. I mean, going back to the beginning of the year at the Orange and Blue scrimmage game, we were barely able to beat ourselves.”
In a press conference held Wednesday evening Athletic Director Mike Thomas commended coach Groce and the Illini basketball program, calling it a storybook season and one that will be remembered for years to come. “Everything was executed perfectly this year,” Thomas told reporters while simultaneously popping a bottle of champagne and pouring Groce a glass. “This season will go down in the record books as another superb year for Illini basketball.” Senior Jon Ekey, who earned Illinois a thrilling victory over Iowa – one of the nation's most prominent basketball programs – said he and his Illini teammates are proud of the way the team has played.
performance against teams like Michigan and Wisconsin when it comes to making the national tournament, but you can't overlook our huge wins over historically competitive teams like Chicago State, Northwood and Jacksonville State.”
extremely vocal confidence is being viewed as premature by most college basketball analysts, the head coach is determined to believe his barely .500 team will dominate in the national tournament when they inevitably receive a bid to the dance.
“I think our mediocre 18-13 record speaks for itself,” Ekey said, grinning ear-to-ear with pride. “Not many teams can rack up over 100 points against McKendree like we did earlier this season. Sure, the NCAA may look at our
With a shrug of the shoulder, Groce told reporters that the team is looking forward to the “challenge” of the Big Ten Tournament and is expecting the team to treat it like a “few warm-up games before the big dance.” Although Groce's
“Seriously, this season has been amazing and when we get to the Final Four, we'll show everyone what Illinois basketball is really all about,” Groce assured, leaning back in his chair with a big smile. “You'll see...you'll all see.”
PAGE 6 SPRING BREAK TIPS: HOW TO PLAN FOR "PADRE" EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT YOUR BIG TRIP DOWN SOUTH!
PAGE 9 TOP TEN SPRING BREAK CLICHÉS
PAGE 10 THE BLACK SHEEP OPINION
IF YOU'RE NOT DOING THEM ALL, YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG.
BATHROOM STALL VANDALISM STILL ONLY AS FUNNY AS IT WAS IN GRADE SCHOOL
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An offer made to another party with ulterior motives clearly in mind. The theater majors ended up awkwardly studying xylem for several hours after Bert’s malproposition of, “learning biology together” was misunderstood by Karen.
Kitty Kat, The school year’s almost over, and I’m getting a little antsy. I’m a senior studying philosophy. Is there any hope for me? Sincerely, Future Failure
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Dear Future Failure, Philosophy, yikes. The good news is that my cousin is now a doctor, and he started out as a philosophy major. The bad news is that my cousin is now a doctor. You might not be in to that sort of thing. A lot of blood and guts and stuff. Post-college employment is rough waters these days. People are getting jobs in fields they really don’t know anything about. You can apply for really any position and just spice up your résumé to seem qualified. You were a McDonald’s cashier? Well you’re also a people person with experience in budgeting, finances and a fast-paced environment. You also tweeted every so often about how much you hate going in to work, so it looks like you had some social media planning experience as well. Maybe the working world isn’t the right path for you, though. And that’s cool too. Maybe you should backpack across Europe or hike the Appalachian Trail. You can live off the land and not worry about rent or car payments or anything required to be a member of civilization. The point is that you shouldn’t feel pressured after graduation. You have your whole life ahead of you to get shit done. So right now you can just … chill. I just realized I didn’t answer your original question—if there’s hope for you or not. And the answer is no, there isn’t.
LAST WEEK’S ANSWER: GENE SHALIT
Later, Kitty Kat
PAGE 5
Loads of Fun Await
Spring Breaker in Norfolk, Nebraska DAN MIRABELLI WROTE THIS Spring break anticipation has been growing for the students at the University of Illinois, with many travelling to South Padre, Panama City Beach and even out of the country. But not all students will be going on a stereotypically booze-fueled spring break, and Matt Howard is a prime example. Howard will be visiting Norfolk, Nebraska, to stay with his grandparents at their nursing home, Shady Oaks for the week. “It’s only a nine-hour drive, so compared to the 25-hour drive to South Padre, it’ll be a breeze,” said Howard, packing his duffle bag. “I can’t imagine driving that far just to see a bunch of drunken idiots I don’t even know. I’d much rather get a firm handshake from Grandpa and a kiss on the cheek from Grandma,” he continued. Norfolk, located in northeastern Nebraska, is the hometown of Johnny Carson and home to Poppy’s Pumpkin Patch. Although Poppy’s is closed during spring break, it’s said that if you go over to the pumpkin patch and take enough drugs, you can hear Poppy peddling his pumpkins and children’s laughter from the petting zoo. Historically, Norfolk is in the lower-50s at the end of March, which is a big plus for Howard. “I’m not really into the heat that much. Plus I’m a redhead so my skin gets real burnt up,” Howard said, motioning toward his freckled arms. “I hear that South Padre
gets to the mid-70s this time of year, so I say keep your sunscreen, and I’ll take some of grandma’s cookies.” The semester has been a long one for Howard, with homework piling up and midterms aplenty. This has left little free time to troll the bars looking for hookups, but it appears there is opportunity in Norfolk. “My grandpa says that one of the new orderlies is pretty cute, so I’ve got that going for me. Maybe I’ll have a chance to break in my air mattress if you know what I mean,” Howard suggestively grinned. When questioned why he would want to sleep with a woman who changes his grandfather’s bedpan, Howard replied, “I’ll give her a squirt of Purell or something.” Howard is also looking forward to the Wednesday night card games at the nursing home, especially canasta. “I usually start off playing just for fun, but I act like I don’t know how to play. Once I get the old bags good and cocky, we start playing for money,” Howard said with a devilish smile. “I can usually lift a decent amount of quarters from them and buy a pop or two,” he continued. Pulling pranks is another one of Howard’s favorite pastimes, and he’s champing at the bit to get a chance to play jokes on his grandparents’ friends at Shady Oaks. “Wet willies are perfect because they’re
REDD DEVILS
all pretty slow, and it’s an easy getaway,” explained Howard. “Switching their dentures is pretty funny too. I used to hide in closets and scare the bejesus out of ‘em, but Mrs. Woolson fell and broke her hip last year when I scared her, so I’m not allowed to do that anymore.” Nevertheless, Howard maintains that he will not be intimidated by the home’s management and that he will still be pranking the residents all week. We got the chance to speak with Howard’s grandparents over the phone, and it appears that they do not share his excitement for the visit. “His
mother sends him here because she doesn’t want to deal with him, and frankly we don’t want to deal with him either. He broke Eunice’s hip last time he visited, and she was in traction for weeks. It was awful,” said his grandmother. “His grandpa Albert and I really try our best to love him, but even we have our limits.” With spring break only a week away, Shady Oaks still has time to prepare for Howard’s arrival at their automatic sliding doors. One can only hope that Howard’s visit doesn’t end in a hospital visit from either a resident, or from Howard himself, when the retirees have had enough of his antics.
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PAGE 6
Spring Break Tips:
HOW TO PLAN FOR "PADRE" TEX MEX WROTE THIS
FEWER THAN 5 SPACES LEFT FOR FALL 2014
For the past few years, most of us here at The Black Sheep haven’t strayed too far from campus for spring break, mostly because we’re too busy hopelessly trying to promote our pre-break issue to townies. It’s that mixed with a little of the ol’“not really having any friends” thing, too. But with all the hype blowing up on our news feeds about this trip to “Padre” that everyone keeps raving about, we decided to get with the times, tug our heads out of our asses, and study up on Padre. After a solid halfhour of Googling up a storm, we compiled this comprehensive agenda to help you kiddies plan for Padre this spring break. Now, vamos, amigos. The first thing you need to do before you and your friends pile into your buddy's old, serial-rapist van—the one he bought last summer from that uncle his family never really hears from anymore—is gather the week’s worth of food. Since Padre has been knee-deep in paperwork at his law firm in El Paso, he hasn’t had much time to help his visiting Madre, or Abuelita to us, prepare her renowned Mexican rice. So, before heading down for the Lone Star State, make sure you grab enough tomatoes, jalapeños and fresh cilantro for everyone! Also, don’t fret about sleeping arrangements. Padre’s two-story home in Northwest El Paso has enough guest rooms for you and your friends, and we’re almost positive that his two sons, or hijos as they are known around the area, won’t mind sharing one bit! When you eventually arrive to Padre’s house, there’s a high chance that he may appear confused, but this will likely be a result of his surprise that you’ve brought so many friends to experience traditional, Mexican-American heritage with. Try not to scale those beautiful mountains in the distance just yet, as tempting as they may be, and step inside the home. Remember to politely take your shoes off upon entering el foyer, or “the foyer,” and introduce yourselves to the family. Padre’s gorgeous wife, Sandra (“Madre” for all intents and purposes), will likely ask something along the lines of, “Who are all you people? What are you doing in our home?” which we’ve broken down as a loose translation of, “Greetings, friends from Illinois! You can just drop your coats off in the master bedroom!” Cordially respond with a, “gracias,” or even a, “muchas gracias,” if you’re feeling as
peculiarly saucy as the simmering pan of tamales that Tía, or Padre’s sister, will be working on for dinner. Be sure to crack open a cerveza and shoot the breeze with Padre’s brother, Tío to us outsiders, chatting about prominent Latin pop stars, such as the up-and-coming Ricky Martin or Carlos Mencia. Assuming Madre allows you up the steps to the second-story without calling the police, be sure to give warm salutations to the kids, Danny and Nick. ¡Be forewarned, though, as while they may look precious at first glance, those boys are positively loco! At this point, you should be well acquainted with the family. However, if the scenario arises that Padre has mildly aggressively forced you out of his home for “trespassing” (we’re still working with Google Translate on that one), don’t think that this is being done out of bad blood! It’s probably just his way of asking you to feast your eyes on the entire splendor that the city has to offer, such as the Franklin Mountains or the Museum of Archeology. If you find yourself exhausted from the sights, don’t hesitate to head back to Padre’s for a little bit of agua (if you’ve been paying attention, this one should be a no brainer)—bottled, of course. We’ve heard bad things about the tap water in Texas. If the door is locked and blockaded by Spring Break Anti-Fun Patrol Officers, it just means that you haven’t explored enough. We understand that, at this point during your trip, you all might be wondering, “Hold on a sec, Tex Mex. Visiting this Padre guy doesn’t exactly sound like the ideal spring break we were thinking of. He doesn’t seem like the most inviting host, either.” To that, I’d have to say, for shame, my ludicrously small-minded readers. Pre-judging someone just because you might not understand their difference in culture? That’s not what the spirit of spring break is about by a long shot, and I would hope to Quetzalcoatl you wouldn’t disrespect Padre in such a manner upon meeting him. At this point in the article, the author continued in explicit detail of his horrendous misinterpretation and over-generalization of Mexican-American culture, including the exact coordinates to this stranger’s household. The Black Sheep apologizes for this gross overstepping of boundaries, and we promise to spend spring break alone as per usual.
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Name: Charlie Sterrett Fraternity: Delta Chi Hometown: Naperville, IL Year: Sophomore Major: Political Science Campus Involvement: Current President of Delta Chi, past Recruitment and External Philanthropy Chair. Member of Student Alumni Ambassadors and
Co-Director of I-Help. Song that best describes you?: “I Touch Myself” by Divynls Something worse than the Red Lion bathroom octagon?: Barack Obama’s politics Favorite Quote?: “Dress well, test well.” Approximate chill to pull ratio?: 5’s across the board
PAGE 7
FIRST TRANS CEREAL BOX MASCOT GIVES SPEECH AT ALLEN HALL STRAWBERRY SHORTCOCK WROTE THIS Allen Hall’s Unit One Program is renowned for bringing artists, performers, writers and other culture makers who you’ve “probably never heard of” to campus. During their stay, these Guests-in-Residence provide a series of educational programs for dorm-dwellers, keeping them up to date on the music, art and writing that no one else will ever hear about. This week, Allen Hall is excited to announce that their guest is none other than the beloved children’s cereal mascot formerly known as Captain Crunch.
and women’s studies and resident at Allen Hall. “It was incredibly brave of her to come forward, and I think that the University of Illinois should exclusively offer Captain—sorry—Madam Munch cereals at all of their dining facilities in order to show support.”
stayed true to herself.
When Garrett was asked if she had been involved in the recent protests on campus against the school board’s decision to cut funding for trans-student healthcare, she gave no comment.
This weekend’s visit marks the very first public appearance since the mascot has come out as transgender. Earlier this week, in a historic moment for LGBT rights and visibility that had soccer mom activists across the country racing to their local Walmart to show support, the mascot came out officially as a trans-woman, who has since officially changed her name to Madam Munch.
"THE UNIVERSITY SHOULD EXCLUSIVELY OFFER CAPTAIN—SORRY—MADAM MUNCH CEREALS AT ALL OF THEIR DINING FACILITIES IN ORDER TO SHOW SUPPORT.”
Munch is especially thankful for the individuals who have turned her private life into a marketing campaign. “Everyone close to me has known and supported me for years, but the corporate boys upstairs have been pressuring me for a while now to come out,” Munch said. “Every time another ‘First Openly Gay Basketball Player’ story—you know, ‘First Gay CEO’ or ‘First Lesbian Bus Driver’—would come off the presses, they’d come to me and say, ‘Munch, if you wait too long, and Tony the Tiger or one of those goddamn CrackSnapple-Pop circle-jerkers beats you to it, you won’t be able to capitalize on it.’ So I thought now was a good a time as ever.”
“I’ve always been an ally to the trans-community, and I stand with Madam Munch,” said Alina Garrett, a sophomore in gender
Campus reaction to the news has mostly been positive, and Munch’s three events scheduled for this weekend have already sold out. Amongst the campus’ growing excitement, the cartoon mascot has
“Well, to be honest with you, this is who I’ve always been,” said Munch, “and it’s more than liberating to finally be out in the open with it. I’m thankful for their support.”
Quaker Oats, the company behind the household brand, has embraced Munch’s decision to go public. According to a
spokesperson for the company, they’re excited to be on board with this exciting economic opportunity, citing growing LGBT support in younger shoppers as a primary incentive to go public with Munch’s gender identity. “Old transphobic Republicans,” according to one source, “don’t eat Peanut Butter Crunch, anyway.” That demographic’s cereal choice was traditionally Cheerios, but ever since they aired a not-even-alittle-bit-we-don’t-know-how-the-fuckanybody-could-seriously-think-this-iscontroversial controversial commercial
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featuring an interracial couple, studies suggest that old, racist white people have been sticking with Raisin Bran. Madam Munch’s three events this weekend, while sold out, are rumored to expand audience numbers through ticket raffles and generous donations to the Quaker Oats Corporation. The schedule for the weekend is as follows: Accepting Your Body: Getting to Know Your SquareShaped Corn/Oat Puffs, What about the Bride of Franken-berry? The Misogyny in Halloween Cereals, and Quaker Oats General Stockholders Conference.
PAGE 8
SPACE JAM 2 LEAKED SCREENPLAY SCOTTY G WROTE THIS After Space Jam’s newly-announced sequel was hyped to monstarnomical proportions weeks ago, it didn’t take long for the internet to do what it does best, which is intrusively hacking the everloving shit out of laptops of Hollywood execs. Here’s what we found when The Black Sheep stole—er, “discovered” a leaked draft of the sequel’s script: Space Jam 2 INT. UNITED CENTER NIGHT Montage of the 2015 NBA All Star Game in Chicago. The crowd oohs and aahs as LEBRON JAMES steals a pass and sprints down the court, throwing down his signature wide-outstretched one-handed dunk. The buzzer sounds for the end of the game. ADAM SILVER, the new NBA commissioner, comes out to center court with a microphone.
ADAM SILVER Despite the tremendous financial success of the league, we’re about to embark on a new format that will make boatloads of money. The doors to the locker room slam shut just before the players have left the court. ADAM SILVER As you can see in this fineprint clause in the recent collective bargaining agreement, “The best players in the world will stay in the United Center from now until forever, playing basketball to a soldout crowd 24/7.” Silver transforms right before their eyes into MR. SWACKHAMMER, the cigar-smoking villain from Space Jam. SWACKHAMER uses his mystical powers to turn the players into dead-eyed basketball zombies who cannot stop playing. INT. SUBURBAN CHICAGO - DAY
DERRICK ROSE groggily sits up in bed and pushes the covers off to look at his knees, running his fingers across multiple scars. He tries to bend his legs, winces in pain and lays back down. The phone rings and he answers. VOICE D, it’s time to come back. The league needs you. ROSE I can’t. I’m finished. VOICE I know your third knee injury was bad enough to send you into retirement, but you’re the only one left who might have a chance to beat them. The voice explains the predicament with the All-Stars stuck in Chicago, and that Rose needs to assemble a team to beat them, setting the players free from SWACKHAMER’s contract. ROSE If I’m gonna have any chance, I’ll need your help.
VOICE Those days are over. I can’t help you ... but I know who can. The man hangs up the phone, and we see 6 NBA Championship rings on his fingers. BUGS BUNNY, DAFFY DUCK, LOLA, ELMER FUDD, and the whole gang of Looney Tunes show up at ROSE’s front door. He opens the door and they flood in, cracking jokes about how weird the real world is. In his kitchen, BUGS finds a bag of baby carrots in the fridge and falls in love. PEPE LE PEW grabs a bag of sliced bread. They all get to practicing on ROSE’s backyard court, and things look grim. ROSE can barely run and none of the Tunes are any good at basketball. DAFFY comes across ESPN The Magazine and discovers the world of sabermetrics. By applying the tenets of advanced statistics like True
Shooting Percentage, Player Efficiency Rating, and Percentage of Field Goals Assisted, the team quickly improves into an impressive group that plays smart, unselfish basketball. They head to the United Center and challenge SWACKHAMMER’s All-Stars to a game. INT. UNITED CENTER NIGHT In the first five minutes of the game, The Tune Squad is keeping it close, until zombie JOAKIM NOAH commits a flagrant foul on ROSE, badly hurting his knee. The team starts to give up a huge lead. BUGS calls a timeout. BUGS BUNNY I have a plan, but I need someone to lead the team until halftime. Enter BRIAN SCALABRINE. BRIAN SCALABRINE I GOT THIS. BUGS takes ROSE to Looney
Tune Land, where they can bend the normal rules of reality to heal his knee instantly. Meanwhile, the Tunes have fallen behind by a huge margin at halftime. With his newly healed knee, ROSE leads a tremendous comeback. In the final seconds, the Tune Squad is down by two. ROSE dribbles down the court, getting through a double team with an insane crossover-spinmove combo. He drives to the hoop and takes off from the free throw line. The zombie All-Stars collapse on ROSE, trying to block his dunk. At the last moment, ROSE dishes the ball to the corner, where BUGS catches it and gains the game winning three at the buzzer. The Tunes celebrate, and the
zombie All-Stars regain control of their bodies, joining in on the celebration. SWACKHAMMER So what, now that you’ve beaten the best players, you ARE the best players! Now I have you! You have to play here forever! He starts to put his spell on ROSE and the Tunes, but just then, the Monstars come onto the court and counteract his powers, turning SWACKHAMMER into a zombie who is forced to walk around selling popcorn in the stadium forever. Watching the game from the upper deck, the man with 6 rings smiles as he takes a sip of his drink from a water bottle labeled “secret stuff.”
CURRENT EVENTS
State Farm Center Renovations Begin to Prepare Spaceship’s Launch Back into Space HEAVY METAL KRIST WROTE THIS Since opening its doors in 1963, attendees and observers of the State Farm Center have compared the arena’s architecture to spaceship designs seen in science fiction illustrations. Unbeknownst to us humans, reports show the State Farm Center actually is a spacecraft and will launch into space after construction crews finish a staggered three-year renovation project planned out by the Department of Intergalactic Affairs (DIA). Alien Director (AD) Mike Thomas, whose real identity is Space Lord Zilthar, said it was time for he and his alien species to head home after finishing more than 50 years of research and experimentation on Earth. But before ascending back into space, work crews need to complete major construction work on the ship. “Fifty years is a long time to go without making any improvements to a spacecraft, considering the wear and tear it’s been through,” explained Lord Zilthar. “Accumulating half a century of bad concerts and missed layups by the basketball team really takes a toll on the ship’s frame, so major construction is necessary before embarking on the long journey ahead of us.” Earlier in the year, construction crews consisting of short, green extraterrestrials began work repairing the spacecraft’s engine under the guise of repairing water mains and sanitary lines. The first phase of the spacecraft’s renovation, which began last week, involves upgrading the ship’s seating and other interior improvements. “We’re pimpin’ this bitch out,” said Lord Zilthar. “We’re installing new luxury seating and widening the aisles. These improvements are necessary because sitting in a cramped seat on a 100-light-year trip is worse than holding an eternity of Darius Rucker concerts in the ship.” Lord Zilthar has appointed the most trusted staff members to oversee the renovation process. Fuq Nootzl, better known by his Earth name “Tim Beckman,” is the construction foreman of the renovation process. Despite
THE
TOP
TEN
SPRING BREAK CLICHÉS SAMMIE SEA WROTE THIS
Whether you’re a freshman or a fifth-year senior, everyone is looking to experience the ideal spring break. Here are the top 10 clichés that you must follow in order to truly experience a college spring break: 10.) Buy a Neon-Colored Tank with Matching Trucker Hat: The tank should read something like, “Party With Sluts” to compliment the “YOLO SWAG” written on your hat. It’s a good way to let people know you’re down to party without the reality of consequences. 9.) Befriend the Creepy Older Guy: Cut him some slack. He obviously never got the classic college experience and is willing to go all out in his 30s to relive his 20s. He’ll keep buying you drinks to keep you around and that makes him your new best friend. And he’s kinda cute, right? 8.) Walk Around Shirtless: Even if you have no business being topless! Big boobs, small boobs, beer belly, everyone lets it hang out on spring break. Everyone is drunk anyway, so you’ll only realize the freshmen 15 you put on every year when you look back at the Facebook pictures, and there will be a lot of those…
constantly stepping out in front of skid loaders and getting run over, Fuq Nootzl appears to have the continued support of Lord Zilthar to finish the project without completely destroying the infrastructure. Overseeing finances and keeping the books on the renovation project is Ron Zook, whose alien name is “Ron Zook.” “Booby Zook’s big ole brain’s tellin’ me to put on a bunch’a them ole doohickeys that may fall off inna coupl’a Earth years, but we’re gonna be to mars or sumthin’ by then,” Zook explained in his proposed budget presentation. “That’s how the ole’ Zooker ran the team, worked well, right Timmy?” Rounding out Lord Zilthar’s staff is JG-PO, a golden chrome droid with a smooth head. JG-PO’s primary function is to serve as an ambassador for the project and maintain the trust of the humans, who remain unaware of the extraterrestrial activities occurring within the State Farm Center. “I love the work JG-PO has done,” said Lord Zilthar. “His ability to connect with the humans is nonpareil. He has this infectious energy and enthusiasm about him, and I’m excited for the good work he will undoubtedly provide us in the future.” Lord Zilthar recalled the previous model droid they had, which ultimately malfunctioned and had to be disposed of. “The last model had the voice of a stroke victim and screamed nonsense about mollycoddling, so we dumped it off in some other cold, barren wasteland in the Midwest. Maybe those people can get some mileage out of him for a year
or two before he sputters out completely again.” Lord Zilthar and his staff look back fondly at their time spent on Earth, but agreed it was time to return home to the Cooter Constellation. “We came here with the intention of conducting serious research on the human race, thinking they possessed superior intelligence and the most advanced scientific discoveries compared to other life forms in the Milky Way Galaxy,” said Lord Zilthar. “However, we have observed nothing to indicate that would be the case. Human beings aren’t even close to being the smartest species on their own planet!” Lord Zilthar was especially astounded by humans’ severe lack of observational skills. “We landed a spaceship in the middle of an empty cornfield, and no one even says anything! They just waltz in and start playing their primitive round ball game, and badly at that. Humans make those buttheads on Uranus look like the pinnacle of intelligent life!” Although he knows the humans in Champaign will be devastated when their two-inone basketball arena/concert hall flies off to a galaxy far, far away, Lord Zilthar predicts that will not be the worst loss they suffer. “We will be joined on our return to space by aliens AB-15 and WL-12, better known by the humans as ‘Aaron Bailey’ and ‘Wes Lunt’, respectively,” said Lord Zilthar. “You think people were kidding when they said they’re both an out-of-thisworld talent? Have fun trying to play your game of ‘Forward Oblong Ball Progression’ without anyone who can actually do that."
7.) Obtain a Basic Tattoo: For girls, an infinity sign on your foot. For guys, a tribal band around your bicep. You’ll gain major cred by appearing risky, and in your drunken stupor you’ll find a way to convince your friends that it’s something personal and unique to you. 6.) Get Weird with a Z-List Celebrity: If you’re not doing something legally questionable with Spencer Pratt, then you’ll have nothing to spice up your spring break stories. As an added bonus, partying with a Z-lister probably helps your Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon score. 5.) Take Body Shots: Drinking tequila all week is only acceptable if taken off the body of a complete stranger. Lucky for you, everyone is already topless and willing to form a human shot glass. Slurp up, bitches. 4.) Attempt to Win a Dance Contest: If Miley can twerk, so can you. Don’t worry about embarrassing yourself as you gyrate like a robot on stage in front of the entire beach. Listen to your vodka, you can dance! Now take another shot and get up there! 3.) Yell, “SPRING BREAK!”: It’s not spring break until someone announces that it's spring break, like the old “not over ‘til the fat lady sings” thing. Without this declaration, you’re all just partying on the beach. And that’s NOT the same thing. 2.) Take a Jumping Picture at the Beach: Especially at sunset, this Kodak moment captures the free spirit of spring break for you to cherish for years to come. It’s the perfect keepsake, except for that one friend who never gets the timing down. You never liked her anyway. 1.) Go to South Padre: If you find it’s too difficult to follow these clichés alone, take your vacation down to Texas where you will be surrounded by people following this exact list for what to do during spring break. Blindly follow the crowd and you’ll fit right in.
PAGE 10
THE BLACK SHEEP OPINION: BATHROOM STALL VANDALISM STILL ONLY AS FUNNY AS IT WAS IN GRADE SCHOOL BRIAN BARSOTTI WROTE THIS
Every once in a while, a person will go into a bathroom stall with a marker and witticism in mind in hope of bringing a smile to someone who’s passing the previous night’s Mexican food. These vandals are society’s unsung heroes. They go from stall to stall, with the intention of providing lulz to those brave enough to drop a stool in public restrooms. Many believe they’re doing God’s work. But one undercover journalist for The Black Sheep visited numerous stalls in UIUC and assessed the quality of bathroom stall humor. This is his report: Bathroom stall writing has been considered a gold standard of comedy. I decided to challenge this idea by visiting the stalls of Altgeld, Foellinger, Siebel and more than a dozen other buildings on U of I’s campus. My
findings indicated that that sort of vandalism is about as funny as it was in elementary school. For every instance of comedic brilliance on bathroom stalls, there are about 20 unfunny drawings of penises. Drawings of titties (which, although appreciated, similarly lack humorous qualities) are also not uncommon in UIUC stalls. If anything, the jokes on bathroom stalls are often repetitive and derivative. There are only so many times you can give out your ex’s number and say they give free BJs before it’s no longer funny. I also ask vandals to stop writing “Toy Story 2 was okay.” Every stall on campus seems to have that joke. We get it. You’re a Dimitri Martin fan. So was everybody else five years ago.
Sometimes I found that stall graffiti was being used to vent personal insecurities and frustrations with a person’s choice of study. In an impulse visit to the English Building’s men’s room after trying out a new Chinese restaurant, I noticed an ongoing battle between visiting liberal arts and STEM majors that sprawled across all three sides of the stall. With spiteful comments ranging from, “English majors are delusional, and your poetry sucks,” to, “enjoy valuing money over happiness in life before mundane cubicle life forces you to end it all 15 years down the line,” it was refreshing to see something other than veiny phalluses during my visit. Although, I also wanted to tell each and every contributing debater that they were essentially arguing with an inanimate
slab of rusting metal while taking a shit. That’s not to say the vandals don’t have their moments. Some of the things they write are actually worth their cost in property damage. One example: “Don’t look now, but the guy in the next stall is jacking it.” Such comical one-liners stand out well above the lowbrow humor that is the majority of bathroom vandalism. Now, as a man, I could only examine the jokes written in male bathrooms. In the interest of fairness, I tried on multiple occasions to read what was written on the stalls in women’s restrooms. I hoped to compare the sense of humor of female vandals with that of male vandals. But after repeated instances of pepper spray to the face,
I ultimately chose to give up on that level of journalistic dedication. Bathroom stall vandalism is much like the internet: It allows people to express themselves publicly yet
anonymously, and the culmination is a bunch of penises and racism. Many folks who poop in public restrooms look forward to reading the clever writing on stalls, but seldom does it hold up to expectations. The quality of
bathroom stall humor hasn’t changed since grade school. Needless to say, we at The Black Sheep are not so easily amused by such juvenile silliness. Anyway, enjoy reading more of our articles on beer and sex.
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The Bar Grid Page 2 of 3 SPECIAL NIGHT
Every Day in March $4 Irish Car Bombs $3 Cap N Coke
Saturday Night's Show CHALICE DUBS MASQUERADE feat. TWO FRESH, DJ SOLO, DJ McFLY, MEDUSA and more!
Friday - Open at 5pm FREE GRILLED CHEESE & Chips starts at 6pm! with the purchase of any beverage!
SATURDAY! Jimbo Mathus, $7, 9:30pm w/ Hi Ho Buffalo and Cody & The Gateway Drugs
MONDAY! St. PATRICKS DAY! Open at 11am Get the Brand New 25oz SHAMROCK GLASS MUG! While Supplies Last! Corned Beef & Cabbage $2 Irish Whiskey!
Wednesday 3/12
Wing Night! $0.25 Wings $1.50 High Life, $2 Flavored LITs, $2 Jager Bombs
BREAK SCIENCE with COSBY SWEATER and KYRAL x BANKO
FRATTLE OF THE DJ's RETURNS AFTER BREAK! on Wednesday, April 3rd $2 Two Gingers Irish Whiskey
Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas
Bud Mug Night! You Keep the 25oz Glass Mug Special! Last Chance to Get the Mug! $1 SHOTS, $3.99 Buffalo Chicken 4-10pm, $2 Sailor Jerry Blackhawks vs Avs 8:30pm
Thursday 3/13
$1 Wells, $2 UV Vodka Drinks $2 Fireball, $2 PBR 16oz Tall Boys, $3 Long Islands, $5 Domestic Pitchers
YMCA Benefit Show featuring The 92s, A COOL HAND, JUSTIN RONDON and Many more!
FIREBOMB THURSDAYS! $1 FIREBALL $3 Jager Bombs $3 Vegas Bombs $4 ICE BOMBS
Closed for a Private Party Book Your Next Event Here! Email us for more info info@cowboy-monkey.com
Watch the B10 Tourney Here! ILLINI vs INDIANA 11am Get the Huge 32oz Glass GAMEDAY MUGS ALL WEEKEND!, $2 WELLS, Half Price Whiskey NO COVER ALL NIGHT!
Friday 3/14
$2 Jager Bombs & $2 Wells, $2.50 Miller Lt/Coors Lt, $3 Three Olives Mixers, $3 3O Premium LITs, $3 Hot Shots, $7 Domestic Pitchers, $1 Cherry Bombs & O Bombs
Illini Student Musicals presents ROCKY HORROR SHOW - Live! 2 Shows!
Open at 5pm FREE GRILLED CHEESE & Chips starts at 6pm! with the purchase of any beverage!
Upshot, $5, 9pm
Watch the B10 Tourney! $2 Redds Drafts, $2 Leinie Orange Shandy Drafts, $6 Bud Light 40's $3.99 Haus Fries All Day Get the Big Gameday Mug All Weekend!
Saturday 3/15
$2 Jager Bombs & $2 Wells, $2.50 Miller Lt/Coors Lt, $3 Bacardi Mixers, $3 Hot Shots, $7 Pitchers $1 Cherry Bombs & O Bombs
CHALICE DUBS MASQUERADE featuring TWO FRESH, DJ SOLO, DJ McFLY, MEDUSA and more!
$3 Big Gingers $4 Irish Coffee Bombs Special Guest DJ
Jimbo Mathus, $7, 9:30pm w/ Hi Ho Buffalo and Cody & The Gateway Drugs
POLAR BEAR PARTY! Starts at 5pm - Be one of the first to Jump in the Pool to Win Cubs Tickets! FISH RACES to Win Blackhawks Tickets! Big 10 Tourney All Day!
Book your Next Party at Clybourne! Contact us at CochraneParty@gmail.com or call 217-722-9000
Big Dave's Trivia Night FREE, 7:30PM! $1 Miller High Life Drafts, $2 Miller Lite Drafts, $2 Jameson Shots $5 Red Bull Vodkas, $5 Nacho
Big Ten Championship 2pm BLACKHAWKS vs RED WINGS 6pm $2 ANYTHING IN THE HOUSE! $3.99 for 10 Firehaus Wings St. PATRICKS DAY! Open at 11am Get the Brand New 25oz SHAMROCK GLASS MUG! While Supplies Last! Corned Beef & Cabbage $2 Irish Whiskey!
Sunday 3/16
Closed
Closed
Monday 3/17
Mason Jar Monday! $2 Double Wells, $2 Buweiser & Bud Light Drafts, $5 Budweiser & Bud Light Pitchers
MONDAY NIGHT HOUSE PARTY! $1 Drink Specials! $2 Manolos Pizza specials! Live local bands each week!
St. Patricks Day $1 GREEN BEER!
Book Your Next Event Here! Email us for more info info@cowboy-monkey.com
Tuesday 3/18
$2 Wells, $2 Domestic Drafts $2 Craft Drafts* *Not all Beers included $2 Shot of the Week
$2 Real Long Islands! CAMPUS COMEDY SHOWCASE: Early! Live comedy from some of CU's funniest! THE PIANO MAN: Late! Playing all your favorites!
$8 Bottles of Wine $8 Bottles of Champagne $2 Bud Light Bottles $2 Wells
Open Mic Night - Free! Sign-Up Starts at 9:30pm $1 Off All Drafts $3 Jameson Shots
TIME WARP TUESDAYS! $2.99 Cheeseburgers 4-10pm $2 WELLS, $2 Hot Stuff & Soco HALF PRICE SHARKBOWLS! Blackhawks vs Flyers 8:30pm
Wednesday 3/19
Wing Night! $0.25 Wings $1.50 High Life, $2 Flavored LITs, $2 Jager Bombs
Argentinian Music Showcase featuring POMMEZ INTERNACIONAL, PHONALEX and More!
FRATTLE OF THE DJ's RETURNS AFTER BREAK! on Wednesday, April 3rd $2 Two Gingers Irish Whiskey
Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas
Bud Mug Night! You Keep the 25oz Glass Mug Special! Last Chance to Get the Mug! $1 SHOTS, $3.99 Buffalo Chicken 4-10pm, $2 Sailor Jerry
He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games than you could ever play.
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The Bar Grid Page 2 of 3 DOWNTOWN
WEDNESDAY! $2 Redd's $3 Redd Devils, $2 Fireball
FRI/SAT: $10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm
MONDAY! St. Patricks Day Open 3pm - NIT Basketball $2 16oz Coors Lt Green Cans, $2 Irish Whiskey Shots, $3 BIG BOY DRAFTS
$2.50 Red Stripe, $3 Jack Daniels, $3 Bacardi Redbull
Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!
$2 Redd's $3 Redd Devils $2 Fireball
GREEK NIGHT! Wear Your Letters, Get a Small Pizza for $1! Half Off Drafts! (Except Miller High Life) $1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells, $2 Imports
1/2 Tequila Night! $2.50 Patron, $2 El Jimador, $1.50 Cuervo & Sauza Bud Shootout: Shoot to Win Prizes and Vegas Trip! $1.50 Bud & Bud Lt. Bottles
$3 Drafts, $4 White Russians, $4 RumChata Colada
Risque Thursday! $3 Imports, $5 Long Islands, $5 Sex on the Beach
Illini vs. Indiana at 11AM! $2 Bud Light (Drafts) $2 Captain $2 Jager Bombs
$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors
BIG TEN Basketball Tourney ILL vs IND - 11am 1st 25 Get FREE Kam’s Krush TShirt, $2 Lite/Coors Lt Bottles $3 Blue Guys KlubKam’s DJ “3xceed” 10pm
$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy, $5 Jagerbombs
WWHP PRESENTS: FRED EAGLESMITH, 7:30pm, $12 DJ Delayney at 10pm, $4 Double Wells, Free Before 10:30 w/ Student ID
$6 Shandy Pitchers (Orange, Lemon Berry, Summer) $3 Jim Beam, $3 Pinnacle
$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm
BIG TEN BASKETBALL TOURNEY - Open 11am $1.75 Lite 16oz Cans, $3 Jim Beam & Stag, DJ Delicato 10pm
Saturday 3/15
Watch the Big 10 Tourney Here!
De Noche! Free Salsa Dance Class at 9pm, Dancing til 2am! $6 Beer + Shot Combo, $3 Select Beers, $3 Rum + Cola
$6 Lunchbox Pitchers $3 Bacardi $3 American Harvest
$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm
BUD SHOOTOUT – Shoot to win prizes and Vegas Trip! $1.50 Bud & Bud Lt Btls, $6 Lime a Rita, Straw a Rita, Razz A Rita & Mango Rita Pitchers DJ ”Bassthoven” 10pm
Sunday 3/16
$5 Nachos, $6 Wings, $4 Bloody Marys, $5 Pitchers of Miller and Bud Light, $3 Vodka Redbull
Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gamil.com
$11 Build Your Own Bucket (BYOB), $2 Jager Bombs $2 Don Q and Blackbeard
$2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells, $5 Personal Pizzas with 2 Toppings $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders
Closed – Private Party
Monday 3/17
$2 Bud Light and Miller Lite Drafts, $3 Jameson, 1/2 off Apps after 8pm
Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gamil.com
MNJ! $2 Bud Platinum Bottles $2 Smirnoff Drinks/Shots $3 RBV with Smirnoff
$1.50 High Life Drafts! $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders
St. Patricks Day - Open 3pm $2 16oz Coors Lt Green Cans, $2 Irish Whiskey Shots, $3 BIG BOY DRAFTS NIT Basketball
Tuesday 3/18
$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells
Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gamil.com
Tequila Tuesday and 8th Grade Dance! $2 Blue Moon $2 Cuervo featuring Cinge All 90s, All Night!
1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)
Wednesday 3/19
$2.50 Red Stripe, $3 Jack Daniels, $3 Bacardi Redbull
Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!
$2 Redd's $3 Redd Devils $2 Fireball
GREEK NIGHT! Wear Your Letters, Get a Small Pizza for $1! Half Off Drafts! (Except Miller High Life) $1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells, $2 Imports
EVERY DAY! $4 Fireball Shots $4 StrawBerRitas
Friday! WWHP PRESENTS: FRED EAGLESMITH, 7:30pm, $12
Wednesday 3/12 Thursday 3/13
SPECIAL NIGHT
Friday 3/14
Country Night!
$1 Coors & Coors Lt Bottles, $2 Bourbons, $3 Blue Guys NIT Basketball & NCAA Round 1
ULTIMATE DOORMAN
BATTLE OF THE BARTENDERS $3 3-OLIVES Drinks Bud Shootout Shoot to Win Prizes and Vegas Trip! $1.50 Bud & Bud Lt. Bottles
If you don’t start following us... YOU WON’T KNOW WHAT’S SO DAMN FUNNY.
@BLACKSHEEP_UIUC Scan to go right to the page! The Bar Grid Page 3 of 3 Thirsty Thursday! $2 All Domestic Beers, $2 All Well Drinks
St. Patrick's Day Special Menu! Corn Beef Sandwich, Rubens, and Blarney Burgers
MONDAY: St. Patrick's Day Open at 2pm! $1 Green Drafts, $2 Irish Whiskey, Live Bands!
FRIDAY! $4 High Life Pitchers, $2 U Call it
MONDAY! 1/2 Off Burgers! $1 Wells, Domestic Drafts and Shots
SPECIAL NIGHT
$2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles
Logo Mug Night! Killian's Irish Red $2.50 Sailor Jerry Singles $5 Pinnacle and 2 Ginger Irish Whiskey Doubles, $2.50 Orchata and Fireball, $6 PBR and Hamm's Pitchers, $4 Jager Bombs
BUCKET NIGHT! $3 Natty Light Pitchers, $4 Jim Beam Buckets, $4 Pinnacle Vodka Buckets, $4 Cruzan Rum Buckets, $2 Rum Chata Shots
$4 High Life Pitchers $2 U Call It $3 Jager and Vegas Bombs $4 Car Bombs
$0.50 Jumbo Wings, $1 Tenders, $7.50 Rum & Cola Pitchers, $7.50 Miller & Coors Pitchers, $2 Fireball and Doctor Karaoke Night w/ DJ Outlaw!
Wednesday 3/12
Thirsty Thursday! $2 All Domestic Beers, $2 All Well Drinks
$2.50 Blue Moon, Green Line, Rebel IPA, 312, Lagunitas Pints, $2.50 Red Stripe, Corona, Left Hand Stout, Heineken, Smirnoff Ice Bottles, $2.50 Bacardi and Malibu Singles, $5 Jameson Doubles, $4 Murphy's Pub Bomb
SHACKER NIGHT! $5 SHACKERS with Monster Energy, $2 UV Vodka $2 Hot Stuff Shots $3 Bud Light Bottles
Burger Night! $1 Burgers 8pm - Midnight $4 High Life Pitchers, $2 U Call it, $2 Soco Lime
1/2 off Sandwiches after 4pm Das Boot! $3 Boot, $5 Fill All Drafts (except Guinness) $3 Jim, Jack and Soco, $2 Horse-Chata
Thursday 3/13
BIG FRIDAY! No Cover Charge
$3 Sam Adams Family Pints $2.50 Wild Turkey Singles $5 Skyy Doubles, $2.50 Jose Cuervo and Blackbeard Shots, $4 Jager Bombs
Open at 1pm! Beer Gardens are Open $1 Frozen Drinks Big 10 Tourney All Day
$4 High Life Pitchers, $2 U Call it
1/2 off German Sausage Meals after 4pm $2.50 Coronas $3.50 Bacardi Flavors
Friday 3/14
SOLO CUP SATURDAY! No Cover Charge
$2.50 Jameson Singles $5 Bacardi and Malibu Doubles $2.50 Jose Cuervo Shots $4 Jager Bombs
Open at 5pm $2 Long Islands
$2 U Call It $4 Pitchers
$3 Captain and Crown! Captain Morgan Girls 11:30-1AM
Saturday 3/15
Sunday Funday! $3 All Drafts
Trivia Starts @ 10pm! $2.50 Blue Moon, Green Line, Rebel IPA, 312, Lagunitas Pints $2.50 Red Stripe, Corona, Left Hand Stout, Heineken, Smirnoff Ice Bottles, $2.50 Orchata and Dr McGillicuddy, $6 PBR and Hamm's Pitchers, $4 Murphy's Pub Bomb
Book your next party at Red Lion! Contact us at CochraneParty@gmail.com or call 217-722-9000
Closed Eat some chicken strips at Papa D's!
11am - 3pm: Rehab Breakfast $3 Bloody Mary's, $1 Domestics & Wells
Sunday 3/16
St. Patrick's Day Open at 2pm! $1 Green Drafts, $2 Irish Whiskey, Live Bands!
$3 High Life Pitchers $1 U Call It $0.50 Pizza Slices (8pm - 12am)
1/2 Off Burgers! $1 Wells, Domestic Drafts and Shots
Monday 3/17
"Beer Lovers Night" $2 All Domestics $3.50 All Imports
Happy St. Patrick's Day!
Bar Bingo starts @ 10pm hosted by the biggest Leprechaun
$2.50 Domestic Drafts $3.50 All Other Drafts
$4 Guinness, Smithwicks and Triptych Pints, $2.50 Blackbeard Rum and Jim Beam Singles, $2.50 Fireball and Orchata, $2 Old Style, PBR, Schlitz, Miller Lite Tall Boys
$2 Long Islands $2 Bud Family Bottles $2 Hot Stuff Shots
$4 High Life Pitchers $1 U Call It $1 Chicken Strips (8pm -12am)
$1 Tacos ALL DAY! $4 Bacardi Buckets $2 Drafts
Tuesday 3/18
$2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles
Logo Mug Night! Smithwick's Ale $2.50 Sailor Jerry Singles $5 Pinnacle and 2 Ginger Irish Whiskey Doubles, $2.50 Orchata and Fireball, $6 PBR and Hamm's Pitchers, $4 Jager Bombs
BUCKET NIGHT! $3 Natty Light Pitchers, $4 Jim Beam Buckets, $4 Pinnacle Vodka Buckets, $4 Cruzan Rum Buckets, $2 Rum Chata Shots
$4 High Life Pitchers $2 U Call It $3 Jager and Vegas Bombs $4 Car Bombs
$0.50 Jumbo Wings, $1 Tenders, $7.50 Rum & Cola Pitchers, $7.50 Miller & Coors Pitchers, $2 Fireball and Doctor Karaoke Night w/ DJ Outlaw!
Wednesday 3/19
AROUND CAMPUS SEND US YOUR PARTY PICS TO PICS@THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
ON THE STREETS IF YOU HAD A CLONE, WHAT WOULD BE THE WEIRDEST THING YOU’D MAKE IT DO? Max, Senior
“I’d go to Mariano’s and freak my mom out.”
Tom, Senior
“Double-team fat girls with myself.”
Jack, Freshman
“I’d make it go to church for me so that people actually think I’m a good person.”
BARTENDERS of the WEEK
ERIK SCOTT of The High Dive
Relationship Status: Taken (until she reads this). Major: Movies and boobies Favorite Drink: Liquid meth Favorite Shot: The money shot Disgusting Drink: New Jersey Turnpike Bartenders who can do cool tricks with bottles and stuff— yea or nay?: Hell yeah, it’s dope. If a superhero movie was made about you, what would be the villain’s name?: Dr. Paternity Test What’s the worst thing you’ve ever put in your mouth?: Ask your mother. What’s your favorite old-school slang term?: “Floozy” What’s one thing you wish everyone would care less about?: Condoms When was the last time you danced like no one was watching, loved like you’d never be hurt or sang like no one was listening?: Before my balls dropped. Yoga pants—overrated, underrated or properly rated?: Properly rated but not properly regulated. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: ‘Cuz booze is tight.
Relationship Status: How do you say “ménage a trios?” Major: I don’t even go here. Favorite Drink: Seven and Seven with a lemon. Favorite Shot: Shots?! Disgusting Drink: Uh … I drink everything. I’ve ridden the rail like 25 times. Bartenders who can do cool tricks with bottles and stuff—yea or nay?: They’re overcompensating for something… If a superhero movie was made about you, what would be the villain’s name?: Super Bloody McGoresville What’s the worst thing you’ve ever put in your mouth?: Anything not purchased from a Dunkin’ Donuts. What’s your favorite old-school slang term?: Fetch What’s one thing you wish everyone would care less about?: Ultimate Frisbee, who even does that? When was the last time you danced like no one was watching, loved like you’d never be hurt or sang like no one was listening?: Tuesday Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Wait … what?
ALLISON MARIE of Legends
RECIPE for DISASTER
DRINKING GAME Chickens
Guinness Cupcakes
Sitting around at a bar is always a good time, but sometimes talking about last night’s hookup over and over gets … lame. Here’s a quick and easy game you can play at a booth in the bar that doesn’t require much skill or many supplies.
St. Patrick’s Day is right around the corner, and everything’s coming up green. This year, combine everyone’s favorite beer into your favorite after-dinner snack. That’s right, baby: Guinness cupcakes.
What You’ll Need: At least 2 quarters and drinks! Number of Players: 2 teams of 3 or 4 people each. Level of Intoxication: A good lil’ buzz.
What You’ll Need: 3 and 1/2 sticks salted butter, 3/4 cup unsweetened cocoa powder, 1 cup Guinness Extra Stout beer, 4 teaspoons vanilla extract, 1 and 1/3 cups granulated sugar, 1 and 1/14 cups flour, 3/4 teaspoon baking soda, 2 large eggs, 3-4 cups powdered sugar, 3-4 tablespoons Irish coffee creamer, 1/3 cup sprinkles and cupcake tin liners. Cook Time: About an hour. Fatty Factor: The alcohol cancels it all out.
How to Play: - Split up into teams and sit together on opposite sides of the table. - One team puts all of their hands under the table and discreetly passes around a quarter between them. The other team sits there and watches (no, it’s not weird). - When the team without the quarter feels ready, they yell, “Up chickens!” The team with the quarter must stop passing the coin and put their elbows up on the table, making fists. - The team without the quarter then yells, “Down chickens!” The players must slam their hands down on the table. The goal is for the person with the quarter to slam their hands down without having the coin make a clanging sound on the table. - The other team now has to try to guess which hand is holding the quarter. If there are only 3 players per team, they get 2 guesses. If there are 4 players, they get 3 guesses. The guess has to be a unanimous decision among the team, so we suggest having a spokesperson. - If the team finds the quarter, the passing team drinks; if they don’t find the quarter, the guessing team has to drink. Then it’s the other team’s turn! - Don’t cheat. Don’t hide the quarter under your leg, slide it off the table, etc. You can try to psych out the other team by faking out passes, “strategizing,” whatever. The Game Ends When: Your hands are bruised and you need more brew.
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Let’s Get Baked: - Get our your sticks of butter and leave them on the counter to soften up. - Preheat your oven to 350 degrees and a line a cupcake tin with liners. - In a saucepan, melt 1 and 1/2 sticks of butter and add in the Guinness, 2 teaspoons vanilla extract and the cocoa. After melted and mixed, remove from heat. - In a bowl, mix together granulated sugar, flour and baking soda. Then pour in the cooled - Guinness/butter mixture and the eggs one at a time. Keep mixing until they’re just combined. - Divide the batter in the cupcake tin and bake for 22-24 minutes. - To make the frosting, beat the remaining butter with an electric mixer until smooth. - Add powdered sugar, coffee creamer and remaining vanilla extract, and beat until medium thickness. Add more powdered sugar if you need to. - Frost the cooled cupcakes and shake on some sprinkles! We don’t advise trying to shove these down a beer bong.
NOMNOMNOMNOM THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
PAGE 17
BOOZE REVIEW URSUS FRUIT PUNCH VODKA GRADE: BWRITTEN BY: TEX MEX
When it comes to artificial flavoring and color, cheap vodka is a tricky mistress to woo. Unless you’re a freshman who’s still in the “no really, it’s okay, I’ll take what I can get” phase, you’re probably fed up with the UV Blues of the world and letting your tears lull you to sleep after a night with the coldhearted Madame Burnett’s (because you and I both know that what you drank totally didn’t taste like the maple syrup-drenched pancakes on the bottle). Luckily, Ursus Fruit Punch Vodka, while still sure to ride alongside with you on the struggle bus, ain’t no mangy, stray mutt either. It’s cheap, tangy, carries the “Triple-Distilled” Seal of Approval, and has polar bears fronting the bottle. Polar Bears. Smells Like: The blood on the mouth of a hungry polar bear that has just devoured its prey (in the best way possible). Tastes Like: The “punch” for “grown-ups only” at family parties. Typical Drinkers: Opponents of the UV/ Burnett’s Coalition, your lightweight girlfriend, maturing Hawaiian Punch enthusiasts, people about to leave the liquor store before three suggestive polar bears catch their eyes.
User Comments: “Wait, dude. There are polar bears on this.” “The bottle is plastic … but it tastes like it should be encased in a diamond-encrusted chalice.” “Is it ‘Ur-soos’ or ‘Ur-suhs?'” “Gags* “Oh, Jesus. You still need a mixer. Definitely need a mixer.” Best Described as a Song Lyric: “Could be kissing my fruit punch lips in the bright sunshine.” - Lana Del Ray What your Tumblr-Activist Sister Would Say if She Saw You Drinking This: “I just don’t understand how you can even drink that knowing how Polar Bears of Color are oppressed on a daily basis. It’s sick.” Food Pairing Suggestions: Fish fresh from the Arctic seas, snow, Totino’s pizza rolls. You’ll Like This if You Like: Cheaping out on vodka, but in style. We Mixed it With: 7-Up, Pineapple Juice and nothing (the latter worked the worst).
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PAGE 18
New Study Abroad Program Established in Ukraine RIMA PARIKH WROTE THIS Are you tired of the cliché study abroad options available? Do you crave the perfect amount of political turmoil and avant-garde folk music, but can't handle the shit going down in Syria right now? Well, you’re in luck. The University of Illinois Study Abroad Office has recently announced a new program for LAS students in Kiev, Ukraine.
the director said. “Also, wouldn’t it be hilarious seeing every one of these spoiled brats crap themselves trying to not get shot in the face? No, but really, it’s primarily to offer a uniquely eye-opening and aweinspiring portrait of the human experience.” Unable to contain a bout of giggles, he excused himself as he burst into raucous laughter.
The Study Abroad Office decided to introduce this option after complaints from study abroad participants in other European countries, who were allegedly “sick of the typical, basic-ass monotony of traveling and chain smoking.” Senior Allie McPherson was one of those dissatisfied participants. After spending a year in the United Kingdom, she said, “I just want somewhere that’s more volatile that will accurately characterize the chaotic spirit of my youth, you know? You can’t do that in London while you’re munching on crumpets and watching the Queen slowly wither to her death.”
When he heard the news, junior Tommy Roots couldn’t wait to go. He hopped onto a plane immediately to experience the joys of crumbling infrastructure firsthand. After being there for two weeks, he warmly described it as having “all of the excitement of the Middle East, except with the comfort of having white people.”
Thus, the new addition was unveiled with great relish, despite some uneasiness from other faculty members. The Director of Study Abroad Programs defended his decision to send students to a warzone, emphasizing the value of the experience. “We wanted to offer an unconventional location so that these kids could broaden their cultural horizons,”
“The place has been in the throes of protests for months now, but this is really the peak. I don’t totally know what’s going on, but I’m pretty sure the president just dipped. How badass is that? I’m also digging the resilience of these protestors in the face of police brutality and bloodshed,” he applauded. “Definitely the spirit of revolution that every millennial dreams of!” Unfortunately, he hasn’t been able to go to his classes. “There’s been a lot of fire and stuff outside, and I totally don’t want to interrupt the chaos. It’s not really my place to interfere. So I figured I’d just
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stay in today.” Tommy has been residing with the family of Mr. Igor Illiantiazgovichka, a local shopkeeper. When asked if he was excited to host Roots for the semester, he scoffed, “Fuck you, dude.” After making this ambiguous statement, he excused himself to “shield his family from godlessness and borderline anarchy, if that’s okay.” “Those Kievies have a great sense of humor, I gotta say,” Roots smiled. “But honestly, Kiev got kinda lame after a while. Also, I never figured out if it was Kiev or Kyiv, so I was like, ‘fuck it.’ That’s when I took a fun outing to the Crimean Peninsula.”
There, Roots found himself immersed in a mecca of diversity. “Suddenly, there were Russian soldiers everywhere! And I was like, cool, I love vodka and Dostoevsky!” When asked if there was anything that he missed about the U.S., he responded without hesitation. “Doritos,” he said. “Cool Ranch just isn’t the same here, you know?” “I’m super glad I’m not one of those pussies in Barcelona or something,” he concluded. Allegedly, there was a cacophony of Molotov cocktails exploding at the time of this statement, but they were drowned out by Roots’ own bourgeois selfrighteousness.
PAGE 19
THE BLACK SHEEP’S GUIDE TO BOOTY CALLS KITTY KAT WROTE THIS The other night, I was the victim of what I presume to be an extremely coy booty call, where instead of a blatantly obvious “Wanna bang?” I was instead asked if I needed a “snuggle buddy.” I tossed my phone to the side and pretended to fall asleep—my version of playing hard to get. But let’s say you’re not quite as resistant as me, how do you decipher your booty call text? Is it really, in fact, a booty call? Which ones do you act on and which ones do you pass on? Your answer depends on a few key factors, and we’re here to help. Opening Line: - “Hey, what are you doing?”: This one’s tricky. If you’ve been chatting up this girl for a while and it’s after bar close, then yeah, it’s a booty call. She’s finally giving in. Anything less than that and you’re walking on thin ice expecting a slam session. You might want to dig into the conversation a bit more before dropping your pants, unless you’re okay with being accused of harassment, but we don’t recommend that.
- “I’m lonely. Come over.”: If they’re throwing this out there, prepare to have your socks knocked off. This person has seen enough prime-time teen television shows (and debatable softcore porn) to know how to swoon a lady. Sure, it’s only four simple words, but you can read straight through that, especially if it’s lighting up your phone at 1 a.m. This text might also be paired with a request to cuddle under some blankets watch TV, and we all know that just really means an intense eighth grade-style hands party under the covers that will go from G to NC-17 in a matter of minutes.
yes, definitely. Just wrap it up and go to town. - Before Midnight: Is this a booty call? Debatable. People are still heading out to the bars right up ‘til 12 o’clock, so it could be an honest attempt to get you out of the house. So you can always just send a picture of your cleavage in a v-cut to see where their head is at.
- “sooo drunjk wanns ftck”: This one should be obvious. You’ve just been given the green light. Take it or leave it. If you take it, hustle over there before they fall asleep.
Use of Emojis: - Traditional kissy face: She’s trying a bit too hard but still might be worth the slam. No one wants to think about love when they’re aiming for a one-night stand. That’s just a bit too much pressure. There’s a good chance this person will be clingy and annoying, but you might get some good breakfast out of it.
Time of Day: - After Midnight: Is this a booty call? 100% yes. Should you act on it? Well, is he or she cute? Are you single? Did you shower today? Are you appropriately shaved? Refer back to the first answer:
- Mug of beer and smiling piece of poop: He’s trashed but charming and funny. He’ll probably leave your bed smelling like beer farts, but he’ll make sure you’re satisfied in every way.
- Bicep arm: Frat guy alert. But that’s not really a bad thing, is it? We say go for it. Time Between Responses: - If he/she responds right away: They’re not too drunk/completely sober, and they know what they want. That’s right, he means business, and he’s not trying to be cutesy about it. This could also be foreshadowing a very punctual hit-itand-quit-it, so if you don’t mind leaving as soon as the deed as done, we suggest jumping on this one right away. - If he/she waits five minutes to answer each time: Drunk … or trying to seem really mysterious. Both are highly attractive, but it’s a pain in the ass when you’re waiting around for them to re-
spond as you’re falling asleep alone in bed. If you’ve got the patience to wait him out, then sure, go for it. But if he’s only a solid five and leaving you hanging for twenty minutes at a time, you can do better, girlfriend. Chances are he’s got whiskey dick anyway. Basically, you have to have a damn good reason not to go through with a booty call text because they’re pretty tempting. Someone, somewhere out there was thinking of you and found you attractive enough and worthy of getting weird with. So unless you have the slightest bit of morals and dignity, go out there and get it in for us, because we sure as hell aren’t doing it ourselves.
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PAGE 20
Student Feels Like FBI When Swiping i-card to Get into Lab
There’s something enthralling about swiping an i-card to gain access to a locked room. Fred Gardner understands, and this simple task has quickly become the highlight of his day. Gardner uses his i-card to get into the media computer labs in the basement of Gregory Hall. Every time he does, something comes over him like a wave, and he suddenly feels like he has reached high-level clearance with the FBI.
WINNIE BAGO WROTE THIS
“It feels as though I’m breaking into the Pentagon in the dead of night,” Gardner said. “I can do anything I want without anyone looking over my shoulder. All those computers and programs and printers…”
“There’s something powerful about swiping an i-card,” Gardner said. “I have access to a room that some other people don’t have. Who knows what could be going on in there … oh wait, I know,” he said, flashing us a knowing glance. Gardner visits the lab about four times a week, usually in the middle of the night, long after other students have gone home. He enters Gregory Hall and quickly makes his way to the basement. Once he’s in the room, the lights come on via motion sensors. The rows of computer screens gleam. All of the machines are at his disposal, and deep within Gardner’s loins grows a rewarding sensation.
Gardner has a favorite rolling chair in the back of the room that he uses throughout his entire stay. He uses the empty room as an opportunity to roll around the room without care. “It’s such an adrenaline rush going back and forth like I’m in the middle of a very time-sensitive national catastrophe,” Gardner said. “I have one computer playing my Spotify account, one computer is streaming movies still in theaters, and one computer has PhotoShop open with my unfinished design project.” Gardner likes the fact that he can think clearly without any disruptions. It's just him and the university’s most high-tech equipment. He also takes full advantage of his access to the computer lab by turning it into his own personal office. He hides headphones in the back of a filing cabinet, next to an emergency Red Bull for those long nights. A Twinkie is taped to the underside of each computer desk, ready to fuel him if he’s without change for the basement’s vending machines. “The only thing I’m missing is a big red button that says ‘PUSH IN CASE OF EMERGENCY’ and a miserable intern to fetch me coffee from the UGL when needed,” Gardner laughed before tenting his fingers. “But that can be arranged…” Gardner said he doesn’t let his clearance get to his head but intends to keep taking full advantage of this privilege in the future. “I feel blessed,” Gardner said. “The university recognizes my maturity. I’m not one of those idiots who tries to exit the Communications Library through the door in the basement, setting off the alarm. No, I am ready for this responsibility.” Gardner informed us that he had recently filled out summer internship applications to the FBI and CIA and is waiting to hear back soon. “This computer lab is nice and all,” he said. “But it will soon be time to move on to bigger and better security clearances.”
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PAGE 21
101-Year-Old Man to Run for US Congress DAN MIRABELLI WROTE THIS
Joe Newman, a 101-year-old man, has thrown his hat in the ring as a candidate to take on incumbent Vern Buchanan in Florida’s 16th Congressional District. While many have said that 101 years old is far too old for a United States Congressman, Newman is only 20 years older than most of his constituents, so it's considered a wash. Newman’s platform is centered on increasing Medicare benefits to retirees. “The way I see it, we’ve put in our time, now it's time for our payoff,” stated Newman. When confronted with claims that Medicare is projected to run out in 2026 and increasing it would only expedite the process, Newman replied, “Half of my constituents will be dead by then. Do you think we really care about future generations and all that mumbo-jumbo? I lived through the Great Depression. I lived through the Spanish Flu Pandemic of 1918. Hell I even lived through Prohibition, so don’t you complain to me about that poppycock.” While Newman brings up many valid points, his opponents argue that he is holding onto the past when he should be looking into the future. But Newman holds strong that the troubles of the current generation cannot compare to those of the past. “People these days lose their minds if their phone runs out of batteries,” said Newman, spitting on the ground for emphasis. “I’ve lost my mind once, and that was because my mother cooked my pet rabbit in a stew, because we ran out of food when I was a boy.” Decreasing speed limits across the country is also a major concern for Newman, and he contends that it is for his constituents as well. “My neighbor Ethel dropped dead from a heart attack when some whippersnapper flew around the corner last week in his hot-rod ... granted she’d already had three, but still,” said Newman as he sipped prune juice. “I’m proposing a bill that would lower the speed limit to 10 miles per hour in residential areas, and lower all
other limits by 15 miles per hour.” Newman’s bill already has the backing of many Floridians, including Martha Weinstein, a woman who lives in Newman’s retirement community. “What happened to Ethel was terrible,” Weinstein lamented as she poured herself a cup of Metamucil. “She had the funniest cat, Mr. Whiskers. He just loves to watch the birds, and he only eats canned food, can you believe it? He’s just so finicky.” Another aspect of Newman’s campaign that has been lauded by Florida residents is his vow to pressure the International Olympics Committee into adding shuffleboard as an event in the summer games. “The Olympics has been missing out on a very large viewer and athlete base by excluding shuffleboard,” Newman said. “The amount of people that show up from all over town for our Thursday afternoon games is extraordinary.” Shuffleboard, one of the most popular games both in Florida and on cruise ships, has had a growing following since the 1980s. Although it still hasn't become prolific in Northern States, it's been edging out bocce ball for some time. Newman also contends that Florida may very well be the home place of a future gold medal winner. “Irving Ross is the best shuffleboard player I have seen in my life,” Newman said, gazing into the sunset. “He reads drifts like no other man, and he’ll put you in the kitchen before you can call your momma.” Although Newman’s stances appear to cater to elderly, the majority of Floridians agree that it’s about damn time that orderlies stopped stealing the change off their bedside tables and that they make a stand. “We’re fed up, and now it's time for an ass whoopin’ courtesy of yours truly,” grinned Newman, and with that he got into his Rascal Scooter and headed to the pond to feed some ducks.
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PAGE 23
Cracked Truck to Start Selling Crack LOUIS STEVENS WROTE THIS
Let’s be real, running any business is tough here in Champaign-Urbana. Mexican joints are opening and closing their doors left and right, Asian places are competing at a cut-throat rate and pizza places ... well, those are doing fine, actually. Everyone out there is trying to get a leg up in the food industry. Everyone’s looking for the new menu item that’s a hit with a wide demographic, from lonely college kids to adventurous drug users. Cracked may have, ahem, cracked the code when it comes to maintaining a strong client base.
faces. It’s probably the safest drug deal you’ll ever go through with!”
The Black Sheep got an exclusive tip that the delicious breakfast truck will start selling serious street drug crack-cocaine as a premium menu item starting in April.
“We think they’re out there, yeah,” says Mandell. “Eggs and hash browns aren’t cutting it these days. Sure, they’re delicious and they fill you up, but after you finish you just want more, you don’t need more. But, of course, it’s illegal like, everywhere. So if you guys can keep this on the DL, that’d be great,” Mandell pleaded.
“We just figured, sometimes black coffee doesn’t do the trick,” said Cracked menu supervisor Jeremy Mandell. “We’ve kept our ear to the ground in the last year, and we’ve been hearing a lot about crack. It seems like it’s something we could sell to college kids.” A dangerous move indeed, but Mandell is surprisingly optimistic about the addition. “Listen,” he insisted, “People aren’t watching Nickelodeon or just drinking beers these days. They want more out of their night and more out of their morning pick-meup. Cracked wants to give that to the students.” We couldn’t help but ask if crack was the best answer to the problem. “Of course, man,” Mandell said. “People are going nuts for that science teacher TV show where they guy goes ballistic and starts cooking drugs and shit. It’s the right move for us. And who wouldn’t buy their crack from us? We’re bright yellow and friendly and full of delicious smells and smiling
That brings up another valid question, though. Who actually smokes crack these days? It’s currently known as a poor person’s alternative to cocaine, and it often leads to serious addiction, causing life-destroying consequences. So are there actual students who made this gigantic leap into the dark and horrendous world of a ridiculously hazardous drug?
To help disguise the illegal buying and selling of the drug, the Cracked crew has come up with handy and clever names for crack on their menu. You can get the drug in a variety of names from “The Mayor Ford,” “That’s Wack,” “Tyrone Biggums,” “Butt ___,” “Hey, What You Got In That Pipe?” and many others. “We’re super-pumped to see how this takes off,” Mandell said. “We had a pretty great business to begin with, but now I think we’re really on to something. What goes better with bacon and eggs than seriously addictive illegal drugs?” Competing businesses still aren’t sure how they will keep up with the Cracked truck adding illicit drugs to its menu. When The Black Sheep asked Jeff Marsopol, owner of Fat Sandwich, to comment, he took us behind his store. “Wanna buy some horse?” he asked.
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