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Issue 7
Espresso Royale Unveils Squash Spice Latte Banana Boy wrote this When every fall comes and goes, Pumpkin Spice Lattes do as well. For the average person, this means absolutely nothing. But to a basic white girl, it’s everything. For Starbucks, this pumpkin addiction is extremely profitable, and for companies like Espresso Royale, this time of the year can be a nightmare. In order to counteract against the Starbucks PSL fever, Espresso Royale has unveiled their newest drink, the Squash Spice Latte. “The Squash Spice Latte is our answer to the fall-flavored drink phenomena that has taken the nation by storm,” explained manager Brian Jones. “However, instead of focusing on just the pumpkin, we were inclusive and added acorn squash, butternut squash, and the one that looks like a goose.” Espresso Royale contends that their inclusiveness is what sets them apart from major companies such as Starbucks. “Look, I don’t like to talk trash, I really don’t. But Starbucks is the drink of the 1% and we’re for the 99%,” Jones said. “We like to include every squash there is. We’re a small company with a personalized view on this campus. The Starbucks fat cats can shove their drinks made by Chinese labor workers down the public’s throat all they want, but here at Espresso Royale we see through the charade.” Mallory Stevens, a women’s studies major
and activist for pretty much everything, loves the Squash Spice Latte. “Finally somebody is standing up and saying there’s something wrong with the geography of squash distribution in today’s coffee products,” Stevens said as she choked down the drink with a grimace. “It has been going on far too long that people have been able to say ‘No butternuts allowed,’ the discrimination is truly horrifying.” When asked what she thought of the new latte, Stevens commented, “It’s very thick because there’s so much squash stuffed in it, but I can actually taste the acceptance. Wait, never mind that was a seed.” However, not all the Espresso Royale customers are on the same page. “Honestly I thought that this was going to be a James Bond-themed coffee shop before I walked in,” said confused Jimmy Anderson. While the Casino Royale relation does make sense, Anderson asking for a black coffee – “shaken not stirred” – does not matter in this situation. We asked Anderson if he’d be interested in trying a Squash Spice Latte, and he responded, “I just came here because I heard girls like coffee.” Unfortunately, even coffee lovers haven’t been won over by the new latte. Rachel Wells, a self-proclaimed basic bitch, was disgusted by the new drink. “It literally
looks like throw up,” Wells said disgustedly. “Like, PSLs are super cute and have orange on them, but these are the grossest things that I have ever seen. I even heard that a girl choked on a stalk earlier.” Espresso Royale contends that the thickness and not using artificial flavors is
to show campus that they mean business. “Here at Espresso Royale, everything is real and we’re not gonna try and pull the wool over people’s eyes with fake flavored drinks like somebody else does,” Jones said as he not-so-deceptively nodded at the Starbucks down the street with a line out the door.
While Espresso Royale has made admirable efforts to try and break the stranglehold that Starbucks has on the Pumpkin Spice Latte market, it’s a hard market to break into. Although they may gain customers operating on principle alone, time will tell if people will stand for what the shop believes in.
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PAGES 20-21
POLICE BODY CAMERAS ACCIDENTALLY FILM PORNO
LOCAL BUSINESSES STOCK UP ON FALL ESSENTIALS
NEWS HAPPENING SOMEWHERE IN THE WORLD TODAY, PROBABLY
THEY BASICALLY FILMED A SUPER BAD VERSION OF SUPERBAD.
FOR ALL THE BASIC BITCHES, NOT THAT WE’RE JUDGING.
MONEY, LAWS, GUNS, SPORTS, IPHONES… IT ALL HAS TO BE HAPPENING, RIGHT?
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THE BLACK SHEEP LETTER Dear Tex Mex, Jeepers, it sure is cold around here these days! I didn’t think the move from the West Coast to the Midwest would be too difficult, but holy halibut, you guys sure take this whole “fall” thing really seriously! Any tips on how a humble Californian can stay warm around here? Sincerely, A UCLA Transfer Student Dear Regrets-A-Lot, I say this far too often in this column, but holy hell, you really didn’t think this one out, did you? Did you have to transfer to here because there were simply too many braniacs at UCLA to handle? What you’ve experienced this past week has been your first slice of a Midwest downward climate spiral, and honey…
it ain’t getting any better than this. But as always, I’ll take any chance I can get at making the lives of our readers finer and brighter. So, in terms of preparing for the outburst of frigidness and outdated “Winter is Coming…” memes, I say to you… MAN THE FUCK UP, SON. You’re in Illinois now, kiddie, so it’s time to start acting like it. This ain’t your dad’s lick of the California woods anymore, bucko. No more brisk high 60s to 70s anymore. You wanna get warm? Bite your lip down to the fleshy core, brace the cold with all the strength of your naked safe, brave the soon-to-be Hoth-like snow to the Quad, and skin a couple hundred squirrels. That’s right, a couple hundred of the furry vermin run-
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ning around campus. Once you fashion yourself a coat from the little buggers (tribal conquest necklace of squirrel skulls optional), unleash a primal roar of defiance toward nature to proclaim your dominance around anyone who witnessed your feat in its entire ultra-violent splendor. And on the off chance that you’re not a raging psychopath, you could grab some hot chocolate from Espresso Royale, pop on Netflix or a Super Nintendo cartridge, and forget that you’re in the middle of the Midwest in the dead of winter. For all our sakes, go for the second option. The last thing this campus is another radical squirrel jihadist. From Russia with Love, Tex Mex
UH... WHOA
a porno,” said Police Chief Gary Roberts. As Illinois legislators are trying to decide whether police should wear body cameras, they decided they needed a guinea pig to test it out. The legislators put the names of every police division throughout the state in a hat and drew a slip of paper. The winner? The University of Illinois. University police strapped cameras to their bodies earlier this week before heading out on their shifts. During the daytime shifts, there wasn’t too much going on, aside from giving tickets to bikers who didn’t use proper hand signs. “My partner and I used the camera to film ourselves doing parkour on the South Quad,” said officer Mike Thompson. “It was pretty rad.” When night fell on campus, the officers became busier, breaking up parties and pulling people over for drunk driving. But it wasn’t until a few days later when they looked over the footage that they realized they made a huge mistake. “Well, uh, when we finally, uh, reviewed the footage... we realized we accidentally filmed...
While breaking up parties and chasing down drunk people, university police caught plenty of nudity on camera. On one night, they encountered two flashers and the everwelcoming public masturbator at Grainger. In the early morning, they found two people having sex on the chair of the Alma Mater. “We basically filmed a super bad version of Superbad,” said Thompson. In the evening, the cameras caught freshmen boys with jewfros trying to buy booze from the Schnucks in Urbana. The problem was, he wasn’t wearing any pants. “Kid even tried using a fake ID with the name Al Balsac,” said Thompson.
however, the woman was wearing cat ears and meowing with each thrust. The cameras caught everything until the unnamed man and woman noticed the police in their apartment. “And that is one of the weirdest things I’ve ever seen on the job,” said officer Bill Carson, Thompson’s partner. Later the same night, Carson and Thompson responded to a call about a party that got out of control. Upstairs, they found a makeshift photo studio in the attic. Two men were directing the lights while one operated a camera phone to get the perfect dick pics to send to the girls downstairs.
The real trouble started when university police responded to noise complaint calls. A police report stated a girl called 911 when she thought she heard a man slamming a cat against the wall of his apartment in Tower at Third.
“I had the unfortunate task of telling them that no lighting will make it look bigger,” said Carson, shuddering in disgust. The two officers didn’t realize they were filming a porno while they were on call. It wasn’t until Chief Roberts called them into his office that they realized something was up.
When police responded to the scene, they thankfully found a man having sex with a woman against a wall instead of a cat;
The university police IT department is in charge of watching all the footage to make sure officers are held accountable for their
s y a D y r o l G r u o Y e Reliv EVERY TUESDAY CE! AT THE 8th GRADE DAN
to Yo Sing and Drink Along
actions and are acting ethically on the job. The IT staff weren’t going to tell anyone about the gold mine they struck when they watched the footage, but Chief Roberts overheard their giggling in the control room. “I’m ashamed of what’s happened with the cameras,” said Chief Roberts. “But at least I think we’ve worked out the kinks now for Illinois legislators.”
Instead of letting all the footage go to waste, the university police decided to host a fundraiser for the Children Born With Less Than Ten Fingers and Toes charity by selling the edited footage as a porno to campus students. “It’s all about paying it forward,” said Thompson. “We may have made a porno, but all those kids got some cash out of it.”
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Police Body Cameras Accidentally Film Porno
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Should You Live with the Same Person Next Year? Riggity wrote this Housing sign-ups for Fall 2015 are about to open. If you’re like most, you might be trying to decide whether to live with the same person next year or find someone else. If you’re on the fence, here are some tips to help you decide if you should or should not live with the same person next year:
- She only does laundry once a semester because she’s single-handedly going to save the Earth with this conservation of water. - She pisses in your favorite mug and only empties it when it’s completely full because “the bathrooms smell like her ex boyfriend” (or really she’s just a lazy piece of shit and doesn’t want to walk that far).
Personal Hygiene Stay with your roommate if: - She showers at least every other day. - She does laundry at least once every two weeks. - She brushes her teeth twice a day (with a lil’ floss here and there) and goes to the bathroom in the bathroom – NOT your closet. Get the hell out of there if: - She substitutes massive amounts of deodorant and Febreze for showers because “the minerals in the school’s water system make her break out.”
Sleeping Habits Stay with your roommate if: - She is a quiet, peaceful sleeper whose nose is appropriately unclogged of any snore-enabling debris. - Even though she has homework to do late at night while you want to sleep, she does it quietly or leaves the room so you can get your well-deserved rest. - She makes sure her laptop’s displaying minimal brightness during her prebedtime Netflix binge. Get the hell out of there if: - Her sadistic “sleep laughing” turns into
her slowly singing “Eleanor Rigby,” which turns into her screaming at you in her sleep about how she hates you. - You’ve seen more of your roommate’s body than your own because she uses sleeping as an excuse to walk around the room naked. YOU DON’T SLEEP ALL DAY, JEN. - Your roommate is a habitual sleep eater and every night, without fail, she stumbles over to her box of Cheez-Its, throws a few at her face hoping some will land in her mouth, puts the box in her pants, and goes back to sleep.
Personal Space Stay with your roommate if: - She asks if she can use your things before she uses them and respects you enough not to look through your belongings. - She politely asks if one of her friends can spend the night and goes so far as to slumber on the floor if need be. - If she comes home smashed, she ransacks
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. R E T I R
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her own Tostitos stockpile, not yours. Get the hell out of there if: - You come back to your room and she’s sitting in your chair, wearing nothing but your bathrobe, eating mac ‘n cheese with a steak knife. - You broke up with your boyfriend and come back to the dorms and find your roommate sitting on your now exboyfriend’s lap dressed in your favorite outfit, making him call her by your name. - Your roommate only leaves the room for
class because she’s watched Pretty Woman so many times she has an unrealistic expectation of what love is and can’t even look at a boy without feeling betrayed. Finding the perfect roommate is hard because, well, there’s no such thing as the perfect roommate. Hopefully, with these tips and a heavy dosage of trialand-error at your side, you’ll be able to room with someone who isn’t a complete psychopath by your senior year!
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Study Shows Brief Eye-Contact With Stranger Confirms Every Self-Doubt You’ve Ever Had Jupiter Stevens wrote this
Student’s Best Friend Hospitalized With Broken Screen Jupiter Stevens wrote this
CHAMPAIGN – Freshman Jennifer Lowrey’s best friend was rushed to the hospital Saturday night with a broken screen.
CHAMPAIGN – University of Illinois researchers announced findings Tuesday that show the brief eye contact you made with a stranger on the Quad this morning confirms every selfdoubt you’ve ever had.
Early reports are saying the injury – which required immediate assistance – was a result of hard contact with cement along Green St.
Professor Jeffrey Conlon, who led the study, announced the results of his team’s findings to reporters in front of McKinley Health Center in Urbana this morning:
“The injury was pretty bad,” Doctor Ben Davidson said, rubbing the back of his neck while breaking the bad news to Lowrey. “There’s some obvious external damage, but the fear is that there were some internal issues caused by the fall.”
“We’ve found that every time you look into a stranger’s eyes on your way to class, they do in fact know about every embarrassing thing you’ve ever done in your lifetime,” Professor Conlon said. “Do you remember that time last year when your friend walked in on you in the bathroom and laughed at how small your dick was? That stranger probably knows all about it. And it’s all they’re thinking about when they see you walking by.”
“I got pretty drunk and dropped her right on the sidewalk,” Lowrey remembered, wiping away tears from her eyes. “I can’t even describe how bad I feel right now. I never meant to drop her.” Doctors told reporters Sunday morning that Lowrey’s best friend will be recovering for three-to-five business days.
Conlon said that his team’s research also shows that once you break eye contact with a stranger and part ways, there’s a 98.7% likelihood that the first thing they tell all of their friends in their next class is how terrible of a person you really are. “It’s also extremely probable that they have already posted on multiple social media networks about how funny you looked today,” professor Conlon informed reporters. “Maybe next time you should wear a different shirt.”
Although the university study showed no signs of immediate physical harm or death due to having brief eye contact with a stranger, it did show dramatic effects on life after contact. “Most of the subjects in our study showed signs of having no friends and bad acne,” professor Conlon said. “A fair amount of them also seemed to have nobody that loves them or cares about any feelings they may have about the struggles of a young adult’s life.”
Friends close with Lowrey said she spent the most of her time with the hospitalized friend and can’t imagine her going through day-to-day activities without her. “Jennifer seemed to never stop paying attention to her,” said Beth Conrad, Lowrey’s roommate at ISR. “I don’t know what Jennifer’’s going to do without her. She did everything with her. They took pictures together, she always woke Jennifer up in time for class every morning, and Jennifer even relied on her as a mouthpiece to speak with her family.” Conrad said Lowrey just stares blankly at a wall now that she must wait for her friend’s recovery to be over. “It’s really sad,” Conrad said, gently rubbing the shoulder of a cognitively distant Lowrey. “Jen’s just so reliant on her. Maybe now she’ll be able to notice the millions of other beautiful, tiny details of life that surround her every second of every day besides her one friend.”
around town
Local Businesses Stock Up on Fall Essentials For UIUC Basic Bitches Katie Got Bandz wrote this
Fall has finally arrived at the UIUC campus, and students have been preparing for the season by breaking out the long sleeves in anticipation for sweater weather. Many local businesses in the Champaign-Urbana area have been gearing up as well, but for a very specific consumer. Fall is the season of the basic bitch, and since they comprise about half the females in the Illinois student body, business owners have found great success in tailoring store products specifically to them.
Faces, and the County Market-version of Uggs, called Huggs.
County Market has transformed its entire store to cater to any need a basic bitch may have, and each aisle contains something they literally can’t even live without.
Starbucks has seen a 1,106% increase in sales due to the Pumpkin Spice Latte coming back just in time for the leaves to change. In an exclusive interview with The Black Sheep, one Starbucks employee admitted that it’s extremely difficult to keep up with the basic bitches during PSL season, and that on more than one occasion they have had to use whole milk instead of skim in the lattes because of the extreme increase in demand – information that would cause anarchy if leaked to the basic public.
One full aisle is devoted entirely to fall candles, so each girl’s apartment will smell like she was walking into an actual Pumpkin Spice Latte. In the next aisle over, fall decorations line the shelves so that the basics can finally try out the crafts from their autumn Pinterest boards, and over-decorate their rooms so that anyone who enters will know that it is indeed fall and they’re fucking crazy. As if the overpowering scent wasn’t enough, one of the most important aisles in the store – racking in 86% of recent sales – is the pumpkin spice aisle. The store has been selling out of pumpkin spice Jell-O, muffins and oatmeal, and employees even started taping handwritten labels that said “pumpkin spice” to random food items such as canned tuna, which have been flying off the shelves. The rest of the aisles are full of fall fashion essentials, including entire walls of infinity scarves, knee-high leather boots, leggings, North
“Instead of using sheep skin like regular Uggs, Huggs are made 100% out of squirrel skin from this very campus,” the senior product developer for County Market said. “We thought the name was so cute and fitting too. It implies our furry friends will be hugging your feet and keeping your little toes warm during this blustery season.”
“During a typical four-hour shift, I will make about 546 Pumpkin Spice Lattes. In order to keep up with this insanity, we have begun brewing the lattes in vats in the back after the store closes at night, just to make sure we have enough,” our source confided. “None of these basics can tell, because they aren’t even that good to begin with, and the hype that comes with the latte overshadows any traces that it was made in a metal basin and has been sitting out next to the heater overnight.” Basics are reminded to be grateful that you’re nothing special because all of your favorites are in stock, and you should feel #blessed.
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BLACK SHEEP OPINION
WHY RHET 105 SHOULDNT BE NECESARY Squirrel Man wrote this
out some more. My girlfriend is really good at making out. I think english majors should take RHET 105 because they are english majors and RHET 105 is a english course so it makes sense. But why should the rest of us take RHET 105. We already
“We are living nowadays in a world of technology and computers and cell phones and so writing things in paper is not useful.” We have computers now so why would people write? Writing is alot slower than typing and you cant email paper. We are living nowadays in a world of technology and computers and cell phones and so writing things in paper is not useful. Who cares if you can write or not. People used to write in the 1700’s but not anymore. That is why I think we shouldnt have to take RHET 105. You know this reminds me of this one time me and my girlfriend were making out.She was all like “Squirrel Man why do we need writing classes? Nobody writes these days. Everythings on Twitter and computers.” And I said I don’t know. Then we made
Sex Tips For Fall The weather may be cooling down, but that doesn’t mean your love life has to! Use The Black Sheep’s best ideas for the sexiest encounter you can have short of openly masturbating in Grainger. 10.) Getting Down and Dirty in the Leaves: Summer (and sex on the beach) is over, but that doesn’t mean you can’t still get adventurous outdoors! Rake the leaves in your undies and then celebrate on the pile when you’re done. Cleanup will be a breeze, as you’re burning all the leaves anyway. Caution: rake play is not recommended under any circumstances.
I think RHET 105 shouldnt be necesary. These are my reasons. Please read my reasons why RHET 105 shouldnt be necesary: I don’t think college students should have to take RHET 105 or any other english classes because we already speak english. Why do we need an english class if we already know english. Its redundant. That word means repatitive, another reason why I don’t have to take another dumb english class. I think international students might need to take RHET 105 before they come to U of I because they may not speak the language we speak because they’re not from around here but I do not think us Americans need to take RHET 105 because we already know how to speak english. I also think RHET 105 is unecesary because RHET 105 is a writing class and nobody writes anymore.
THE TOP TEN
prloudly speak english. As I said. Most of us at U of I are studying something else like engineering or history. People who study engineering or history should not have to do more work than they have to because otherwise theyd be distracted from solving problems in engineering or history. Writing is not an important part of there work cause they already know english. So I think RHET 105 is a waist of time. And it is boring. We only have so much time before we die and are dead forever so why should we spend any time on something boring? I don’t want to be an old man
and look back on my youth and be all sad cause I didnt make the most of it because I spent all my time on RHET 105 If you waist all your time on RHET 105 then you won’t have time to do other things like work to become precedent of the United States of America because RHET 105 will take up all the time you couldve used to get elected precedent. Mr. Obama probably didnt have to take RHET 105. Just sayin. This one time when I was in third grade we had to write a paper. I wrote a paper in third grade and my teacher came up to me and you know what she said? She said “Squirrel Man you are the best writer in the class. You write as good as any college student.” She actually said that to me. And I got a A+ on the paper. You can ask her yourself. So you know what that means right? Guess what it means. It means I was already good enough at writing and so RHET 105 would just be a boring waist of my time and everybody else’s because I’m already a great writer. And that is why I think RHET 105 shouldnt be necesary to graduate And if you think it should be then your an idiot.. Piece out bitches.
9.) Apple Donuts: Fellas, you know where this is going. Solo or as part of a very cautious “bobbing for apples” session with your partner, nothing keeps the energy alive quite like bringing comfort food into the bedroom. For singles, enjoy repeatedly plunging and unsheathing your mighty wooden staff into the warm cinnamon-y cavity your standard donut has to offer. Buying two is optimal, as the second can be eaten to dull the dawning sense of horror set off by having sex with an apple donut. 8.) Scarf Bondage: This is a warm and cuddly way to enter the world of “lite” BDSM with that special someone. Plus, getting hardcore into this subculture might help you develop your talents for the art of erotic knitting. With the proper marketing, that kind of craftsmanship could easily make you a fortune on Etsy. 7.) Summon Persephone (And Your Wild Side!): Fall is when the ancient Greeks celebrated the return of Persephone from the Underworld. Perform a modern-day summoning ritual by crushing some herbs over the fire and curvaceously communing with your two favorite priests or priestesses for some old-fashioned fun. Make this more even more exciting by “forgetting” to wear your favorite sweater and jeans under your sacred robes. 6.) Halloween’s Not the Only Thing Coming: Dress as sexy skeletons to get you both in the mood for some serious boning! 5.) Fall Pheromones: Leave a trail of empty Starbucks cups to the bedroom. When your lover gets home from their intramural volleyball match, they’ll follow it to find you stretched across the linens, wearing nothing but a sensual layer of pumpkin spice. The smell will cause an instant fallgasm, guaranteed. 4.) Teacher Roleplay: Put on your hottest glasses and sit in a separate room while a graduate student does all of the work. 3.) Sexy Scavenging: As said earlier, food in the bedroom is always a good idea. After a cuddly walk in the woods to procure supplies, craft some edible lingerie for yourselves out of fall berries and then feast. This is also a good way to gain a protective layer of fat in preparation for awesome hibernation sex in December. 2.) Schoolyard Scandal: Bring back a sense of youthful charm in your lovemaking by communicating only in notes ending in “circle Y/N.” 1.) Carnal Campaign: In honor of the election, gerrymander arbitrary sections of your partner’s body in red and blue body paint and pay attention to only those that might vote in agreement with your views. Don’t forget to win over the “swing states,” as you’ll never get elected without the votes of both the derriere and left patella tendon.
Black Sheep Staff wrote this
09
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$2 Wells, $2.50 Domestic Bottles, $3 Calls, $3 Three Olives, $3 Long Islands, $4 Vegas Bombs, $7 Domestic Pitchers
IN THE FLESH! The Pink Floyd Experience
Friday After Class! FREE GRILLED CHEESE starts at 6pm (with purchase of any beverage) $3 Bud Light Tallboy Cans, $3 Jim Beam & Bacardi, $3 Jager Bombs
Decadents, $5, 9pm w/ Kevin Cory and Ferris
Saturday 10/11
$2 Wells, $2.50 Domestic Bottles, $3 Bacardi, $3 Long Islands, $4 Patron Shots $7 Domestic Pitchers
CHALICE DUBS MASQUERADE: Zombie Prom! feat. ROOMMATE, DJ SOLO, POSITIVE VIBR8IONS and more!
$3 Captain Morgan $3 Bud Light Bottles $5 Patron Shots
Molehill, $5, 10pm
Sunday 10/12
Closed
BIG GIGANTIC with MANIC FOCUS and POSITIVE VIBR8IONS
Book your next party or event at The Clybourne Call 217-722-9000 or email CochraneParty@gmail.com
Big Dave's Trivia Night FREE, 7:30PM! $1 Miller High Life Drafts, $2 Miller Lite Drafts, $2 Jameson Shots $5 Red Bull Vodkas, $5 Nacho
Monday 10/13
$2 Double Well Drinks $2 Bud Light/Budweiser Drafts, $5 Bud Light/ Budweiser Pitchers
MONDAY NIGHT HOUSE PARTY! feat. DEAD LANGUAGE and JUSTIN RONDON $2 Slices of Manolos and $1 Drinks
$1 Dirty Smurf Shots $2 Top Shelf
DJ Mingram, Free, 10pm $3 Jameson and Absolut
$2 Wells $2 Domestic Drafts $2 Craft Drafts* $2 Shot of the Week
40 North presents ACE AWARDS (Early Show!) CAMPUS COMEDY SHOWCASE featuring some of C-U’s funniest! (Late Show!)
WINE NIGHT $8 Bottles of Wine $8 Bottles of Champagne $2 Wells, $2 Beam Fire Shots
Open Mic Night - Free! Sign-Up Starts at 8:45pm
AARON CARTER with UPSIDE (Early Show!)
No Womp Wompsday! $2 Long Islands $2 Hot Stuff Whiskey
Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas
SPECIAL NIGHT Wednesday 10/8
Tuesday 10/14 Wednesday 10/15
$2 Flavored LITs - NEW FLAVORS Peach, Banana, Raspberry, Apple, Melon, Blue Grape, Strawberry, THE CHIEF
Wing Night! $0.25 Wings $1.50 High Life
$2 Flavored LITs - NEW FLAVORS Peach, Banana, Raspberry, Apple, Melon, Blue Grape, Strawberry, THE CHIEF
NO COVER (21+), $3 Cover (under 21)
THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM THE BAR GRID SAT: Firehaus Oktoberfest! 11am Illini vs Wisconsin Blackhawks Home Opener! 7pm Hawks vs Sabres WIN HAWKS TICKETS!
NFL Sunday Ticket! $5 Nachos, 8 Wings for $6 $6 Pitchers of Miller Lite, Coors Light and Bud Light $4 Bloody Mary’s
TUESDAY: Pygmalion Presents: Sharon Van Etten Doors at 8:30pm
Hawk’s Season Opener! Watch the Hawks on our 70in TV 1/2 Priced Burgers, $2 Redd’s, $2 Blue Moons and $2 Jaeger Bombs
SPECIAL NIGHT
KARAOKE at 10pm $1 SHOTS Bud Mug Night You Keep the 25oz Glass Mug
$2.50 Red Stripe, $3 Jack Daniels, $3 Bacardi Redbull
Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!
Freshmen Night No Cover Under 25
Wednesday 10/8
Blackhawks Opener! Hawks vs Stars 7pm WIN HAWKS TICKETS! $1 Taco’s 4-10pm, $1 WELLS Red Bud Light Drafts!
$3 ANY Draft $4 White Russians
Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gmail.com
Redd, White and Boom! $2 Redd’s, $2 Jaeger Bombs and $2 Blue Moons
Thursday 10/9
$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy, $5 Jagerbombs
DJ Delayney at 10pm, $5
Plan Your Next Birthday Party or Fundraiser at Joe’s
Friday 10/10
Firehaus Oktoberfest! 11am Illini vs Wisconsin Blackhawks Home Opener! 7pm Hawks vs Sabres WIN HAWKS TICKETS!
Watch the Illini at Guido’s!
Marshall Crenshaw w/ The Thin Souls, Doors at 7pm Power-N-Soul Presents: De Noche, Salsa Dancing, Drink Specials! 9pm
Contact us at joesbrewery@gmail.com
Saturday 10/11
Bears vs Falcons 3pm Win a Bears Jersey! $2 ANYTHING SUNDAYS! Every Liquor...Every Beer $2! $3.99 for 10 Haus Wings
NFL Sunday Ticket! $5 Nachos, 8 Wings for $6 $6 Pitchers of Miller Lite, Coors Light and Bud Light $4 Bloody Mary’s
Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gmail.com
Bears, Beers and $4 Spazzles
Sunday 10/12
Monday Night Football 49ers vs Rams 7pm $1 Bud Light Drafts HALF PRICE APPS 4-10pm
$2 Bud Light and Miller Lite Drafts, $3 Jameson, 1/2 off Apps after 8pm
Pygmalion Presents: Grieves Doors at 8:30pm
MNJ
Monday 10/13
HALF PRICE BURGERS 4pm-10pm $2 WELLS, HALF PRICE SHARKBOWLS, $2 Bud Light Drafts
$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells
Pygmalion Presents: Sharon Van Etten Doors at 8:30pm
No Cover @ the 8th Grade Dance
Tuesday 10/14
KARAOKE at 10pm1 $1 SHOTS Bud Mug Night You Keep the 25oz Glass Mug Hawks vs Flames 7pm
$2.50 Red Stripe, $3 Jack Daniels, $3 Bacardi Redbull
Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!
Sophomore Night: No Cover Under 24
Wednesday 10/15
Firehaus OKTOBERFEST!! You Keep the Spaten Mug! Live Music at 6pm Bolzen Beer Band! Great Food & Great Beer!
The only shirt you need for football season
Only
$12 with a FREE Koozie!
THE BAR GRID DOWNTOWN
SPECIAL NIGHT
Friday and Saturday: $10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm
order by monday blacksheepswag.com
KAM'S SAT: Illini Game Watch Party! IL vs. Wisc 7PM, Open 2PM
Friday 4 o’Clock Club 1/2 Price Appetizer 4 ‘til 5
FRIDAY AND SATURDAY! $2.50 PBR Tall Boys
Over $6,000 in Prizes All Month!
No Cover! ALL Bottles on sale
Trivia Night (8-10PM), $4 Boiler Makers
Senior Night! No Cover 21+
Thirsty Thursday! No Cover! $2 Well Drinks $2 Domestic Beers
$1 Off Scotches, $3 Featured Shot
BIG Friday - NO COVER! Plus 4 o’clock Club
$2.50 PBR Tall Boys
Solo Cup Saturday NO COVER
$2.50 PBR Tall Boys
$3 22oz Coors Lt. Drafts, $3 16oz Cans $4 Pinnacle Blue Guys, $2 Jager Shots, $3 Bombs, $4 Beam & Stag Jager Girls at 10PM!
Karaoke Frattle!
Wednesday 10/8 Thursday 10/9
1/2 Priced Drafts, $1.75 Wells and $2 Imports
$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors
$2 Platinum, $2 Bud and Bud Light Cans, $5 Lime-a-Rita Pitchers, $3 3 Olives & Cuervo Drinks, $3 Blue Guys and $2 Rumchata Party w/ Bud Girls and DJ Delicato
$10 Bud Buckets (5 Bottles) $6 Pitchers, $2 Fireball $6 Bacardi Fishbowl KamsIslands $3 UV Drinks, $4 Appleseed Cider Live DJ All Night!
Klub Kams w/ DJ Delicato! $4 Blue Guys, $2 16oz Coors Lt. Cans $2 Drafts, $2 Blue Moon Bottles $3.50 Smirnoff & Captain Drinks
Friday 10/10
$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm
Saturday 10/11
$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm
Sunday 10/12
$2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells, $5 Personal Pizzas with 2 Toppings $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders
NFL Sunday Funday! $2 U Call It: Wells, Bottles, Drafts
Sunday Funday $3 ALL DRAFTS
$1 Hamms, $2 Rails, $3 Jameson and Powers
Monday 10/13
$1.50 High Life Drafts! $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders
Monday Night Football! Open at 7:30PM $2 U Call Its
Beer Lover’s Night! Every single beer is on sale
Abe Froman Project Improv Comedy 8:30
Fame Fantasy Karaoke 10pm, No Cover AND $1.25 PBR
Tuesday 10/14
1/2 Price Tuesdays! 1/2 Price Pool All Day, $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)
Country Night! Drink in Your Mason Jar
No Cover! ALL Drafts on sale
Reggae Night at 10PM, $4 Boiler Makers
No Cover! ALL Bottles on sale
Trivia Night (8-10PM), $4 Boiler Makers
Illini Game Watch Party! IL vs. Wisc 7PM, Open 2PM
$3 22oz Coors Lt. Drafts, $3 16oz Cans $4 Pinnacle Blue Guys, $2 Jager Shots, $3 Bombs, $4 Beam & Stag Jager Girls at 10PM!
$1.50 Whiskey Drinks and Coors Btls, $7.50 5 Bottle Buckets, $1.50 Drafts, $2 Moonshine Drinks/ Shots, $2 Beam Fire Shots, $2 Beam Fire & Ginger, Wear Your Dukes and Boots!
Karaoke Frattle!
Wednesday 10/15
1/2 Priced Drafts, $1.75 Wells and $2 Imports
Over $6,000 in Prizes All Month!
$2 Platinum, $2 Bud and Bud Light Cans, $5 Lime-a-Rita Pitchers, $3 3 Olives & Cuervo Drinks, $3 Blue Guys and $2 Rumchata Party w/ Bud Girls and DJ Delicato
THE BAR GRID
WEDNESDAY! Logo Glass Day!
SATURDAY! $3 Miller Lite and Coors Light 20oz Drafts w/ Keeper Cup
SATURDAY! Open at 11am ILLINI vs WISCONSIN $2 Long Islands $1 Burnett’s Vodka
Late Night Meal Everyday After 12! 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza
MONDAY $1 Drafts, Wells, Shots 1/2 Off Burgers 4-9PM
SPECIAL NIGHT
Logo Glass Day! Party with the Fireball Girls!
$6.50 32oz Personal Pitchers (Margaritas, Long Islands, and Amaretto Stone Sours)
WPGU & Jim Beam presents... Frattle of the Bands Starts at 11pm $2 Jim Beam Fire $4 Cruzan Rum Buckets
$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza
$7.50 Rum and Cola Pitchers, Miller and Coors Pitchers $2 Dr. Menthol and Rumchata $0.50 Jumbo Wings, $1 Chicken Fingers
Wednesday 10/8
$8 Pitchers of Killians, Leinenkugels and Shocktop
10 for $10 Coors Light 7oz Bottles $4.25 Martinis
Thursday Open at 5pm BLACKHAWKS OPENER! Hawks vs Stars 7pm Win Hawks Tickets!
$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza
$3 Jack, Bird Dog, and Soco Drinks $1 Horse Tranquilizers $3 Das Boot, $5 Fills 1/2 Off Sandwiches After 4PM
Thursday 10/9
$5 Wild Turkey or Skyy Doubles Miller Crush Party (6-8)
$3 Miller Lite and Coors Light 16oz Cans
Open at 5pm $1 Fratty Natty Bottles $3 Jager Bombs $3 Jim Beam
$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza
$2.50 Coronas, $3.50 Bacardi Flavors Half Off German Sausage Meals After 4PM
Friday 10/10
$5 Jameson Doubles $3 Goose Island Family Beers
$3 Miller Lite and Coors Light 20oz Drafts w/ Keeper Cup
Open at 11am ILLINI vs WISCONSIN $2 Long Islands $1 Burnett’s Vodka
$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza
$3 Captain, Crown, and 3 Olives Drinks
Saturday 10/11
Get Ready for Trivia Night! $4 Well Doubles
5 for $12 Domestic Buckets $2.50 Glasses of House Wine $6.95 All You Can Eat Spaghetti & Garlic Bread (5-10pm, dine-in only)
Book your next Party or Event at RED LION! Call 217-722-9000 or email us at CochraneParty@gmail.com
$7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza
$1 Drafts and Wells, $3 Bloody Marys Brunch from 11am – 3pm REHAB 1/2 Off Big Breakfast with Stamp
Sunday 10/12
BINGO NIGHT! $3 Drafts of Blue Moon, Angry Orchard and Sam Adams Family
$2 Domestic Bottles $6 Personal 10in Pizza w/ 1 Topping (5-10pm, dine-in only)
MONDAY NIGHT LION $1 WELLS $2 HOT STUFF $3 MONSTER VODKA’S
$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza
$1 Drafts, Wells, Shots 1/2 Off Burgers 4-9PM
Monday 10/13
$2 Tall Boys of Old Style, PBR, Schlitz and Miller Lite
$2 Domestic Drafts $3 Premium Drafts $0.40 Wings (5-10pm, dine-in only)
SENIOR NIGHT $2 LONG ISLANDS, $2 WELLS $2 BUD LIGHT BOTTLES Bags Tourney at 9pm
$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza
$2 Any Draft, $2 Wells $6 Pitchers (Excl. Guinness) $1 TACOS ALL DAY
Tuesday 10/14
Logo Glass Day! Party with the Fireball Girls!
$6.50 32oz Personal Pitchers (Margaritas, Long Islands, and Amaretto Stone Sours)
WPGU & Jim Beam presents... Frattle of the Bands Starts at 11pm $2 Jim Beam Fire $4 Cruzan Rum Buckets
$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza
$7.50 Rum and Cola Pitchers, Miller and Coors Pitchers, $2 Dr. Menthol and Rumchata $0.50 Jumbo Wings, $1 Chicken Fingers
Wednesday 10/15
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• 1, 2, 3 & 4 BEDROOM APARTMENTS AND TOWNHOMES. • INDIVIDUAL BATHROOMS. • INTERNET, CABLE, WATER, TRASH AND PARKING. • WASHER & DRYER IN EVERY APARTMENT. • TWO SHUTTLES TO U OF I CAMPUS, INCLUDING LATE-NIGHT SERVICE. AND SO MUCH MORE! (217) 353.6800 | www.villagecp.com
PARTY PICS!
Tweet us your #partypics, or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
ON THE STREETS What do you think will be the most overused Halloween costume this year? SIRAINA, SOPHOMORE “Some version of a slutty cat... Me-ow!”
SAMI & SARAH, SOPHOMORE “Anna and Elsa from Frozen!”
ERIKA, JUNIOR “Miley Cyrus, post-Disney channel... That’s about as slutty as girls can get.”
BARTENDERS of the WEEK
GABE of LEGEND’S
Relationship Status: Sorta married Major: I don’t go to class enough to remember… Favorite Drink: Coors Banquet Favorite Shot: Compton Disgusting Drink: Cement mixer If you had to go down a Slip ‘N Slide lubed with any liquor, what liquor would you choose and why?: Alcoholic peanut butter, because it’s my dream. Do you have a message for our future robot overlords?: I want a massage robot. What old-timely slang word do you want to bring back to the mainstream?: “Yahoo!” To whom do you most want to whisper, “Bathroom, five minutes.”?: Steve, my co-worker Is there anything a good ole’ fashioned karate chop doesn’t solve?: I’d like to think so, but my girlfriend disagrees. A man wearing sunglasses at night is…: Strange, but I can dig it. Which Taco Bell item best represents your personality, and why?: Cheesy Gordita Crunch, because I’m both hard and soft. Who is your mortal enemy, and what malicious rumor would you like us to spread about them?: Murphy’s breeds hipsters! … they started it… Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because I said so!
THE DRINKING GAME
SMACK THE BARTENDER Look at that arrogant buttface, sitting over there behind the bar atop his little throne, counting his tips, and acting like he owns the place. It’s time to show him what’s up. You’re the king of this bar, not him. Or maybe you’re just really drunk. Who cares? Dude, you can totally take him. What You’ll Need: A strong hand and a weak bartender. Number of players: Just you, the bartender, and whoever is in your way. Level of intoxication: Enough to slap the bartender. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
MIKHAIL of MURPHY’S
Relationship Status: Here’s the jist, I’m ready to fist Major: Creative writing Favorite Drink: Grenadine – straight. Favorite Shot: Stunt man shot – snort salt, shoot tequila, get slapped Disgusting Drink: Rob Pinto’s nipple milk If you had to go down a Slip ‘N Slide lubed with any liquor, what liquor would you choose and why?: Anything that can be mixed with grenadine ‘cause I love cherries *wink*. Do you have a message for our future robot overlords?: More fisting machines, please. What old-timely slang word do you want to bring back to the mainstream?: Fetch To whom do you most want to whisper, “Bathroom, five minutes.”?: What’s the name of the interviewer? Is there anything a good ole’ fashioned karate chop doesn’t solve?: Hemorrhoids A man wearing sunglasses at night is…: Free game Which Taco Bell item best represents your personality, and why?: Baja Blast – I always laugh when I ”blast.” Who is your mortal enemy, and what malicious rumor would you like us to spread about them?: The whole Legend’s staff waters down their drinks! This is war! Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because books are dead and reading is lame.
RECIPE FOR DISASTER
FRIED McDOUBLE Alright, it’s time to polish the turd. You’ve ordered a McDouble and have the instant regret of filling your body with 90% grease and 10% loss of self-respect. It’s time to double the McDouble and fry that bad boy like it’s never been fried before – because it hasn’t. You’re a health-hazard revolutionary. You’re a savior. You’re the first person to fry and try a McDouble. What You’ll Need: $1 and some loose change because of tax (thanks, Obama), patience, minimal athletic skill, the will to discover what’s on the other side of life. Fatty Factor: You’ve already walked inside a McDonald’s, what do you care?
How to play: - Start drinking with your friends at home, then go out. - Get to the bar and hone in on your desired target. - Stare the bartender down from across the bar, make sure he knows you’re on to him. - With every move he makes, counteract with a disruptive bar tactic (yelling, smashing glass). You need to prove your dominance as the alpha drunk and let him know who’s boss. - Approach the bar with caution (he may be on to you with all the yelling.) - Whisper your drink order so he leans in close. - When he leans in close, whisper “I GOTCH’YA” into his ear. - SLAP HIM IN THE FUCKING FACE.
Let’s Get Baked: - Suffer through the shit storm that is McDonald’s customer service and order a McDouble. - If you’re lucky enough to receive what you’ve ordered, remove the paper wrapping. - Yell in a foreign language and hop over the customer service desk. - Approach the fry cook and confiscate their uniform. - Now you’re in disguise. Toss your McDouble into the fryer and wait 90 seconds until it’s done. - Pour as much salt as possible on your McDouble and eat in one bite while you run away from the restaurant manager. - Shit in the restaurant lobby and demand a free coupon.
The Game Ends When: You slap the bartender in the face and run away as fast as you can. Combine this game with the fried McDouble recipe for maximum marathon training.
Now that you’ve mastered a regular visit at McDonald’s, check up next week when we make a shake out of a 20-piece McNugget.
DOWNLOAD OUR FREE APP FOR ALL THE GAMES!
NOMNOMNOM AT THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
BOOZE REVIEW Blue Point Golden Ale Grade: BTex Mex Wrote This
Well, I finally went off the deep-end, folks. With last week’s review of the ever-amazing and totally financially supportive Redd’s Apple Ale®, your ol’ pal Tex Mex is finally entering his “weird uncle” phase of his collegiate career with respects to his choice in liquid discouragement. That’s right, I’ve moved onto microbrews that some of you very well may need to import or travel around some bit to get your slippery hands on ‘em. Is it because I’m a hipster piece of shit who only makes time for small name, award winning IPAs nowadays? No. It’s because being 21 in any city other than a college town means paying $6 for a beer and savoring every damn second of it. Smells like: Like your typical light beer, so very much unlike the typical, “different” aroma of the streets of New York City where this brewery is located. Tastes Like: As firm believers of ordering the darkest, most bitter spawn that a tap can muster, we’re not too well versed on describing the taste of blonde beers, but this ain’t no mangy dog hanging around Coorsville either. So… gold? Yeah, we’ll go with gold. It tastes like gold. Typical Drinkers: - Hip, attractive Brooklyn 20-somethings who could care less about Man-whatever-the-hellthat-other-borough-is-called. - The Black Sheep editors who order unfamiliar beers solely based on “blue” being their favorite color - Auric Goldfinger - Aficionados who like bragging about seasonal
SAVE $199
WITH ZERO DEPOSIT + RATES AS LOW AS $664
APPLY FOR FALL 2015 @ LOFTS54 .COM
217.366.3500 • 309 E. Green, Suite 103 Rates & fees are subject to change. Limited time only.
brews just so they can tell you, “Oh, sorry… it was a limited run only.” User Comments: - “What’s the cheapest beer you have on tap. What? They’re all $6? Uh… can I try a Blue Point?” - “For a seasonal Autumnal brew, it’s sure as hell not getting me any warmer in this sub-50s outdoor area with no heating lamps.” - “Could we technically make a beer blue so long as it was named a ‘sapphire’ ale? Am I getting too ahead of myself?” - “On a scale from ‘meh’ to ‘eh,’ this is pretty ‘hm.’” You’ll Like This if You Like: Getting a pint of anything at a bar and mixing your preferred choice of beer with your preferred apathy. Best Described Using Overheard Dialogue from a Breakup: “It’s not that I don’t like you, because, really, I do! I’m just looking for someone who… I don’t know, has a little more adventure in them. You understand, right?” What the Hip Brooklyner Sitting Next to You at the Bar Would Say if He Saw You Drinking This: “Hm.” Common Food Pairing Suggestions: Leftover fries from Five Guys, $1 slices of pizza, falafel, whatever the hell the kids are eating today to stay healthy. We mixed it with: A different, darker stout which was ultimately preferable (if only we remembered the damn name).
THE CARTOON BY: EDWIN
Don’t break up by phone. Do it in person.
www.SuburbanExpress.com
READ MORE ONLINE THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
Engineering Students Begin
Semiannual Mating Ritual Around Class Female Staff wrote this Following a traditional one-month period of preparation, new reports say the males of CISC401 have begun the semester-long mating ritual surrounding the one girl in the class. “There’s something wrong with my code,” said Allison Winkfield, senior and prized female, during the weekly ceremony known as lab. Almost immediately, say sources with knowledge of the event, a young brave known as Ryan began his display of strength and intelligence, effortlessly gliding over in his chair and leaning over her, demonstrating both poise and wisdom as he began checking her work. “What’s the problem,” said Dan McHale, the eldest super-senior in the tribe, putting his arm over the back of Winkfield’s chair. “What Dan has done here is a common mating
technique used by the Engineer,” said UIUC anthropology professor Sarah Robinson. “By responding second and asking vague questions, he now has a laid-back appeal used to appear calmer and cooler than the rest of the males. However, he is only able to employ a ‘hover-hand,’ in which his arm hangs slightly above the back of her chair, resulting in a very awkward display of masculinity. This may be related to his presence in a 400-level computer science class.” Reports confirm that senior Elliot Eisenberg then leaned over Winkfield’s shoulder and immediately began typing. “Eisenberg hopes to establish a close physical proximity by doing this, as well as get her acclimated to his scent, which is a mix of bar soap and no deodorant,” Robinson added. “He also hopes that by not saying anything, he can come across as an enigmatic genius, like the wandering samurai who speaks to no one and
saves the barley farmers. This is due to a long manga phase throughout his teenage years, as well as being too nervous to talk to girls.” As more potential mates entered the bids became more desperate, and the suitors had to make do with little room. Junior Michael Achebe reportedly decided to employ his often unsuccessful technique of bending over her monitor and attempting to read her coding upside-down to look for syntax errors. “Achebe here acts in a way that us foreigners might think strange. Well, the other tribesmen think it’s strange, too,” Robinson commented. “By attempting to read upside down, he provides an uncomfortable display of intelligence. It is not only physically uncomfortable for him, but also socially uncomfortable for everyone who has to watch it happen.” Despite the space being tight, another
contender named Ian Rosenblatt entered the lusty, futile contest. Using his five-foot, six-inch, 125-pound build to his advantage, Rosenblatt sprang up from under the table between Winkfield’s legs, holding a ten-inch laptop with his own correctly inputted code. “Rosenblatt’s introduction started what is referred to anthropologically as a ‘feeding frenzy,’ in which each Engineer feeds off the testosterone of the other,” Robinson said. Sources say the students then stood on the tables, tearing off their shirts and exposing abdominal muscles only visible because of their skinny frames. In order to reestablish
himself as the alpha male, Ryan started fighting off other warriors with a keyboard and strangling them with the USB cable. The TA, in an act of male dominance, covered his face in chalk war-paint and performed a traditional mating dance of strength and masculinity, in which he does sit-ups with his testicles exposed. This large hoopla came to a quick halt, however, as Allison added a missing rightparenthesis, fixing the issue. Having not won a mate, the men hung their heads and awaited leaving, reportedly so they could go back to their huts to hone their mating skills and furiously masturbate.
Inside Scoop: The Black Sheep’s Look at the New 308 Green St. Building The Gonz wrote this
A rumor’s been going around campus that one of the new buildings to compete with 309 Green will feature a car vending machine. The Black Sheep is ready to squash those rumors and announce there is for sure going to be a car vending machine as well as a whole bunch of other dope amenities you’ll be willing to pay double your tuition for: Diamond Glass Windows: The normally mediocre view of the greater Champaign-Urbana cornfields can only be improved when looking through African blood diamonds. Instead of peasant glass, the windows will be composed of thinly-crafted diamond sheets which look exactly like glass, but cost 1,000 times more. Diamond is also super strong, so no one’s going to be jumping from these windows! Helipad: Tired of driving your Bentley to class? Leave it in the car vending machine and hop a ride on your very own personal helicopter, which will be offered to all residents. The helicopter will feature machine guns and missiles
for the entertainment of apartment residents at an extra charge. But the ones who will pay the most will be the poor kids stuck walking to class in your line of fire. Zip Line: Tired of riding a helicopter to class? A multitude of zip lines will be fastened to the top of the building to allow easy access to every major building on campus, including the ones no one goes to, like Bevier Hall.
you want to go to. Countermeasures will be put in place to ensure no unintended stops at floor 69. In-Unit Washer and Dryer: Apartments will come standard with cleaning woman who will clean clothes, bathrooms, and kitchens. Residents can request ethnicity during the lease-signing appointment (Mexicans available while supplies last.)
Retina Scanners: As a resident of the luxurious 308 Green apartment complex, you won’t have to worry about the common-folk, CPM plebs invading your privacy. Every entrance will be secured with a retina scanner. Remember not to lose your keys eyeballs! There’s a nasty replacement fee for those.
Drive-In Closets: Just a figure of speech because your Maserati will be parked in the car vending machine, but these closets are big enough to fit a car. Every walk-in closet will be updated weekly with the latest fashion trends. Residents will be given an option of styles including but not limited to “Frat Star” (Polo and Sperry’s) and “Basic Bitch” (Yoga pants and North Face jackets).
Automated Elevators: Pressing buttons is so 2013. In 308 Green, the elevator computer will be able to communicate directly with your brainwaves so you simply have to think about which floor
Bowling Lanes: No need to ever set foot in the Union bowling alley for the first time ever again, because every apartment unit will come standard with one bowling lane per bedroom. Gold-
plated bowling balls come standard in every room. There’s also a cosmic bowling option available for $500 extra per month. But who are you kidding, you’ve got the change! Super Powers: Each resident will be given one super power of his or her choice, complimentary with a one year rental agreement. Choices range from
mind reading to flight to super strength. Lifetime membership to the Illuminati included with superpower activation. If you’ve ever wanted penthouse living in the middle of Champaign, Illinois at bustling metropolis pricing, look no further!
BLACK SHEEP ORIGINAL REPORTING
News Happening Somewhere in the World Today, Probably Paul Mooney wrote this Many different news happened with all the different people in all the different countries today. In one country, there was the president who wasn’t a good president because he didn’t represent the people the way they wanted, and now all the people are in the streets because they are angry. A lot of times people are in the streets because they are angry and poor. Because the people are angry and out in the streets, the president has to respond to them in one of two ways: democracy or tear gas. Usually it’s tear gas, but this time it might be democracy. But it will probably be tear gas. Money was spent; a lot of it, too! Some people spent a lot, because they have a lot so they can; but some people spent a little, because they only had a little so that’s all they could. In general, people are spending less because other people were spending less because they had less money, because other people weren’t spending, so everyone has less money, but now people might start spending more money so the people with a little money have a little more money to spend on things they need and the people with a lot of money have a whole lot more money to spend on houses and dog outfits and to throw at people dancing on big boats. A lot of people make laws. But some lawmakers make it so that no laws are made, and they make it hard for lawmakers who want to make lawmaking happen. These lawmakers make statements about the other lawmakers, like “they make laws that make things bad and they should not make laws anymore because they make me unhappy and we should make them not make laws anymore,” and the other lawmakers respond, “we should make those lawmakers not make laws anymore, because they just want to make people who make money make more money.” Then the original lawmakers say “those other lawmakers are trying to keep people from making money and that makes everyone unhappy so we don’t want to make the laws those lawmakers want to make,” so the lawmakers take a longer time to make the laws. Someone was probably shot today. People are shot on most days. There was probably someone who wanted drugs and someone else who sold them, but they didn’t get along so they shot each other. Maybe they did get along, but they were caught by the police and the policemen shot them because they were breaking the law. Maybe they did nothing wrong and they still got shot. A lot of people do bad things; a lot of people get shot too. One mean policeman is on trial for shooting someone who did nothing bad. “Obligatory semi-apologetic statement,” said the man in charge of all the mean and nice policemen, “uncertainty of how at-fault the police department is, covered by promise of justice and bureaucratic handling of unfortunate statement. Regret over unsolvable scenario; tepid hope for improving structural issue,” he continued. The new phone was introduced today. This phone is a lot like all the other phones, but this one is better because it is a little faster. It is also a little bigger. People like bigger phones, except for when everyone wanted smaller phones. But now, the big phones make people happy so everyone wants to buy the big phone.
The fat people with curly hair made another movie. Most of the movies are about doing drugs and then doing something else; this movie was the same, but the “something else” was different from the other movies so everyone wanted to see it. The people in the audience laughed when they saw it. “Hahahahaha,” they said when the fat man with curly hair smoked the drugs. “Tee hee hee,” they said when the other fat man got hit in the testicles. The sports happened today. Many people hit the balls to score points for their teams. A lot of games were played between teams that were named after animals; only half the teams won. Sometimes the people had names that other people liked like D’Brickashaw, or D’Cardio, or Darnell, or D’Arnell, or De’Asian, Doop-Boop, Doo-Wop, Deep-Sca-Dop-A-Dop, Deedly-Beedly, or Ding-Bong-A-Dong. Other times they had names like Jason and Michael. People are getting sick. People always get sick, but this time it’s worse. Sometimes when people get sick they sneeze and then snot comes out of them really fast. When they get a little more sick, undigested food or liquidy poop comes out of them really fast. The liquidy poop smells bad and makes more undigested food come out of them, and they feel even sicker, but then even more liquidy poop comes out of them and they
are very sad. This time, blood is coming out of everywhere really fast from people’s bodies, and that’s about the worst thing that can come out of people when they’re sick. A lot of people have this in a place where they can’t really get help, and it’s very easy for people to get sick when they’re around other sick people, which makes the whole situation a whole lot worse, and everyone is a whole lot more sad. Everyone farted today. Seven billion people farted at least twice, with an average of four times. Yawns went up 5%, and people blinked a number of times that’s represented by a two followed by fourteen zeros. Everyone peed, too. 66% went in toilets. 32% went on the ground. 1.5% went in pants. .4% went in pools and the ocean, .08% went in a water bottle, and .0000004% landed in someone’s open mouth. Someone special also died. A lot of people died, but this person was a very special. He was born into a normal household/he was destined to stardom. He got his big break when he was only seventeen/twenty-four/eightyears-old in the sitcom/movie/custody case that everyone saw and loved. He continued to make more movies/ television shows/tabloid headlines about addiction for many years. Anyway, he had cancer/overdosed/killed himself/was killed by somebody else. Everyone was very sad, because his movies are very funny and he was a very nice person to the public. His friends mourned his death with a huge funeral that all the movie people get, and his fans mourned his death with television marathons, which is probably the best way you can remember someone who is most closely known for things that go on televisions. That’s some of the news today. There will be a lot more tomorrow! The news tomorrow will be a lot different from today, because the news is always different everyday. Sometimes similar news happens, but it’s always a little different, which is why the people still read the news. Some people don’t read the news, so they don’t know all the little different particulars of the things that happen everyday. But now you do. For today, at least.
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Guy Currently Suffering Existential Crisis at Papa D’s After Failed Pickup Attempt Tex Mex wrote this
After trying to woo an attractive girl in hopes of going home with her for the night, junior Robbie Bartleby is now sitting dejectedly idle inside Papa D’s staring intently at his chicken strips and fries, presumably deep in thought over what went wrong over the past four hours. Onlookers noticed a glassy, glazed-over look in Bartleby’s gaze as he stared down one of his half-eaten chicken strips, probably second-guessing himself on whether or not he’d been too persistent in his attempts to pick up junior Rebecca Clemens, a girl he’d just recently met at a pregame a few hours prior. The defeated Bartleby frustratingly pondered if he’d transitioned too quickly from asking, “What music do you listen to?” to, “What do you really want to do after graduating?” Bartleby dipped one of his fries into the dipping sauce, missing his mouth once and leaving a cheesy smear on his cheek. Some of the dip dripped onto his buttondown and left a stain that Bartleby likely
won’t notice until 2 p.m. the following afternoon. The deep-in-trance junior further combatted with his emotions, internally struggling with retrospectively deciding whether or not it was a good idea to leave with Clemens immediately to the bars as opposed to simply meeting up with her soon. Bartleby also panicked that walking so close to Clemens and accidentally bumping into her a few times gave off the impression that he was prematurely clingy and therefore alluding to an expectation of coital contact later on in the evening. Bartleby took another bite out of his chicken strip, staring at the titled flooring and passively chewing with his mouth wide open. A fried flake of the strip rested within his facial stubbles that he’ll likely refrain from shaving off tomorrow morning on the grounds of “what’s the use?” A surge of harrowing uncertainty shot
through Bartleby as he began examining the intentions and executions of his actions at Joe’s. The distraught soul was now convinced that ordering Clemens mixed drinks every 20 minutes without her asking may have come off as a little “creepy,” especially considering the fact that he spent most of his time at the bar hovering around her while sipping on both drinks at the same time. Bartleby feared that he had abused the hovering mechanic in his pursuits to court Clemens, potentially giving her just cause to meet up with her girlfriends on the complete other side of the bar. Bartleby lifted his final chicken strip up to his mouth with both hands, becoming a spectacle for all other customers to behold for two seconds before completely forgetting about him. As grease pooled into the corners of his mouth after sinking his teeth into the sauced-up strip, Bartleby looked to the cosmos in an effort to rationalize whether or not it was his destiny not to go home with Clemens upon asking her, “So… do you wanna
get out of here?” After accepting that the pane of his reality indeed included the vision of a disgusted and creeped-out Clemens rejoining her friends and promptly exiting Joe’s, Bartleby concluded that the path of resolution for the night would be
watching season 2 of House of Cards on Netflix. Instead, Bartleby passed out on his table, making a comfortable pillow with the rest of his final chicken strip, continuing to overanalyze every silly little thing in his dreams.
the WEEKEND BACK HOME madlib After all the parties on ___1___ and the constant attention from the dude in my ___2___ class and the T.A. with the big ___3___ in my ___4___ class, I just needed to get away for awhile. So I borrowed my roommate s ___5___ and headed back home to ___6___, to see what the young ___7___ are up to and sleep in a real bed. But when I got home, my room had been turned into something out of a ___8___-music video, and I quickly shut the door. I instantly hit up ___9___, my old friend who I knew would have some dank ___10___ that I so suddenly needed. We met up at ___11___ and everything felt like I had never left. I told him/her about college, how I’ve drank ___12___ of flavors of Burnett’s so far and that I’ve realized ___13___ is my favorite of all shitty beers. Then, per tradition, we went to ___14___ and laughed about how we couldn’t tell if ___15___ was fat or pregnant. The next morning I woke up on the couch, with the local ___16___ news on, and my parent’s new ___17___ puppy taking a poo on the floor. I looked over and all my clothes - dirty or not - were cleaned and folded on top of my bag. I walked over to the kitchen to grab a box of ___18___ and to make a pot of coffee, which I noticed was already made. God, parents are so adultlike. I sat down and sighed at how pleasant and relaxing it was to be at home, without ___19___ on the 2nd floor screaming ___20___ lyrics at 4 a.m., or without ___21___ down the hall pounding on my door to shotgun ___22___s to ___23___ before we hit up a frat party. But I knew it was time to head back to ___24___ when I heard strange noises from inside my old bedroom. That’s when I noticed 50 Shades of Grey on the kitchen counter and thought, “Isn’t that book so two-years ago, anyway?” and remembered why I hated my antiquated town. I gathered up my clean clothes, wrote my parents a note expressing how glad I was they were enjoying being empty-nesters, and hit the open road.
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CLUE BANK 1) Campus street 2) Required class 3) Body part 4) Blow-off class 5) Luxury car 6) Hometown 7) Your high school’s mascot 8) Heavy metal artist 9) High school stoner friend 10) Weed slang 11) Your old weed-smoking spot 12) Number 13) Cheap beer 14) Old munchies spot 15) Old female acquaintance 16) Basic cable channel 17) Type of dog 18) Kid cereal 19) Slutty girl 20) Pop star 21) Bro-y bro 22) Shitty beer 23) Even shittier EDM artist 24) College town