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Issue 9
STUDENT BEGINS ILLICIT LOVE AFFAIR WITH UNIVERSITY DIETITIAN VIA “ASK THE NUTRITION” TEXTS The Gonz wrote this University Dining Services started a new program called “Ask the Nutrition Expert” where students are able to send texts and emails to the resident dietitian for advice on healthy eating. The questions and answers are posted on the TVs in all of the dining halls. Once students realized virtually all the questions are published, the jokes started rolling in. “I’m not sure anyone screens what goes up there,” said freshman Eric Gregory. “I saw someone ask a riddle and the dietitian actually answered it… and still incorporated health facts.” The program is under-supervised, most likely, because the only people who go to the dining halls are freshmen. No one expects unfunny freshmen to make dick jokes; however, the questions were increasingly becoming complaints about dining hall food. Students stopped paying attention after the hundredth “the fries are always cold” post answered with, “Sorry, I’ll be sure to tell the people whose job that is” from the dietitian. After weeks of neglect, the “Ask the Nutrition Expert” gained some recognition when one student noticed a string of questions and answers bizarre enough to create a scandal. “My phone died from too
much Yik Yak and the TV was the next best thing,” said freshman Carl Hershel. The texts on the TV that day were a collection of sexts between an anonymous student and the female university dietitian. A look into the history of the dining hall texts shows the affair had been going on for months before someone finally noticed. The investigation into the identity of the student was rather quick, because he used his personal cell phone to send the texts – like a freshman would. University officials were set on expelling the student, who still remains anonymous, until his lawyers countered that he did absolutely nothing wrong. “My client has no control over what’s broadcasted publicly in regards to these texts,” said attorney Liza Hayward. “The university was responsible for screening the texts before they were put on the dining hall TVs.” A shocking turn of events was brought to light when the university revealed the identity of the resident dietitian. Thought to be a professional health advisor, a university spokesperson announced that the dietitian “is just some random teenage girl who’s in health class at Uni High.” Apparently, the University Dining Services never expected to be questioned about
the legitimacy of the dietitian and hired someone off Craigslist at minimum wage. “When a question comes through, I look up the answer in my health textbook and send that back,” said the high school student.
“My teacher is giving me extra credit for helping with the program, plus I earn $1 per answer.” The university has yet to decide what action to take because the scandal of hiring
a teenager to pretend to be a registered dietitian has now overshadowed the original scandal. As pointed out by the anonymous student’s lawyer, “The texts were pretty innocent anyway. They mostly involve vegetables and exercising.”
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STUDENT FINALLY GETS POINTS TAKEN OFF EXAM FOR SNEEZING
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MALAPOOPISM Accidentally or purposely shitting where one shan’t shit.
Bridget claimed her best malapoopism was the time she left a brown baked present in the trunk of an ex-lover’s Honda Accord.
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THE BLACK SHEEP LETTER Dear Tex Mex, Man, midterms are absolutely tearing me apart this semester. Despite every new semester’s resolution I make for myself, I can never seem to get the hang of properly prepping myself for a week’s worth of mind-melting exams. Got any tips on better handling academia, oh magical editing guru? From, A Distressed Sophomore Dear Raging Slackoff, First, cut it out with the “guru on high” shit. Brownie points may get you advances on your allowance and the occasional surprise handy, but flattery gets you no where around these pages. So, you wanna get better at school, huh? The first step is simple: Are you smart? If yes, continue down to the next paragraph. If not, get used to that sub-2.0 GPA, C-lister. Oh, you made it down? Well, congratulations on reading. Doing well on midterms is all about mind games,
to the
EDITOR
my friend. That smartness you just judged yourself on isn’t measured by how much knowledge you can manage, but rather what you can do with time. No, you don’t have to lie to yourself about studying periodically a week in advance, but you should at least understand how to chug a pot of coffee, saddle up, and take an all-nighter by the horns before being bucked off by your exam. Pop open that statistics book and skim like you did all those standardized tests in high school – nothing’s changed here. So long as you put yourself under the illusion that you’re focused and not at all sleep deprived, you can pass tomorrow morning’s midterm with confidence over information retention. Unless, of course, this is an exam for a 400-level statistics test we’re talking about here. In which case, good luck, chump. You should’ve kissed your own sorry ass goodbye at the beginning of the semester. <3, Tex Mex
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#JUSTICE
Banana Boy wrote this During a macroeconomics exam last week, Charlie Owens sneezed and sniffled the entire time. While nothing is usually done about incidents like this, Professor Werner Baer decided to take a stand. Many students are praising his actions, calling it a “revolutionary act that will change test-taking for good.” “I couldn’t stand by and let this student ruin the testing environment while all the other students sat captive, unable to do anything,” Baer told The Black Sheep. Baer confessed that his initial reaction was to walk up to the student and bellow, “Get out, you useless piece of shit!” but said that he recanted, waiting until Owens came to turn in his test. After bringing his test forward, Baer recalls that he “took him downstairs and told him how irresponsible it was for him to bring his sickness into a crowd of hundreds of students. “My God, he could have Ebola for all we know!” one student yelled. Baer then took 25 points off Owens’ test, and gave all the students in a 10-foot radius 25 extra points. Freshman Lilly Herman was sitting next to Owens during his sneezing fits and agreed with the punishments Baer meted out. “I’ve seen plenty of sneezing fits in my time here, but Charlie was out of control,” Herman remembered. “And I think giving the students around him 25 points was a totally necessary measure. I heard he has Ebola,” she continued with wide eyes.
However, not all students are happy with the decision, namely Owens. “This whole thing is a joke,” Owens angrily sputtered. “How am I supposed to control how much I’m sneezing? Sure, maybe I could’ve taken some Mucinex, but come on.” While he has tried to rally support among his fellow students, Owens informed us they have been far from receptive. “They’ll typically say things like, ‘serves you right, idiot’ and, ‘good, I’m going to actually start paying attention in Baer’s lectures for now on, he’s the man,’” Owen said with a look that made us almost feel bad for him. He also mentioned that he’s been attempting to build a case to bring to the administration, but unfortunately with the lack of support, he’s been unable to build a following large enough to even get on their radar. Twitter activist Suey Park, however, says that she is just the person to help bring Owens’ issue to relevancy. “This is a free speech problem, not a points problem,” contends Park. In Park’s mind, Owens has the right to sneeze wherever he may please, and the university’s attempt to infringe upon that right is an atrocity. While we’re told that the all-powerful Chancellor Phyllis Wise scoffs at the idea of sneezing being what the founding fathers referred to in the First Amendment, Park refuses to back down. “I will tweet #righttosneeze until my dying breath, or at least until people stop retweeting it,” Park
said with a conviction not seen since Captain Edward Smith went down with the Titanic. Whatever becomes of Owens’ grade, one thing is for certain: He’ll never sniffle in class again, let alone sneeze.
And while some may oppose his punishment, the majority of the populace can breathe a collective sigh of relief that sneezers will think twice before emptying their sinuses during an exam.
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Student Finally Gets Points Taken Off Exam for Sneezing
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Opinion: Campus Would Be Better Off Less Diverse Nicco wrote this While our international students bring to campus qualities like intelligence, curiosity, and offbeat quirkiness, there are also perks to having a campus with no diversity and no international students. No, seriously, just hear me out:
CLEANER AIR: We all k now the sudden implementation of the “No Smoking Law” was due to the amount of internationals smoking all their damned cigarettes and to keep Green Street from becoming a smoggy “Little Bejing.” If we create a “No Internationals Law,” then the cleanliness and purity of our Champaign-Urbana air will greatly increase, plus we could repeal the No Smoking Law and get some super-sexy French men up in here. The French love to smoke.
We can also eliminate the gasguzzling, million dollar cars these students frequently sport to get from one sushi joint to the next. Besides smoking, these exotic cars are the number-two contributor to the Champaign-Urbana air pollution. By the transitive property (it’s some weird math thing, ask one of them about it), the pollution coming out of the Champaign-Urbana area is a major contributor to the global warming epidemic that is single-handedly killing the polar bears. Think of the polar bears, guys. It’s sickening.
ILLINI TOWER WOULD SHUT DOWN: It’s very obvious that herds of “Fresh off the Boats” hang outside IT like the eastern delegation of the United Nations. Normally, they’re talking about domesticating squirrels, the newest anime, or
K-Pop… whatever the hell that is. It’s like, gross, this is America and our K-Pop is Katy Perry, godblessher. If we stopped accepting international students, the building would immediately go out of business and my dad says he’d buy up the land and put in a new high-rise there. Guys, wouldn’t another high-rise be great? I bet my dad would even let us put in a fro-yo machine.
LOWER DEATH TOLL: Pedestrians would be able to safely jaywalk across the street with the comforting knowledge that they won’t get hit by an international driving a car worth more than what they pay in tuition. There would be no more reckless drivers not paying attention, parking horribly, or blazing down Green St. like other members of their kin like Speed Racer. Seriously, why do you
y
B You
ght to IFC u o r B HE
drive so fast? It’s not like you have anywhere to be—I’ve never even seen a group of you guys in Lion. And, for us Americans, driving would be safer, too. The internationals usually stand there like ticking bombs ready to go off. This means less potential accidents caused by internationals darting across the Wright intersection because they had to get to the convenience store to purchase another pack of cigarettes or chopsticks. I’ve completely worn out the breaks of my 3-Series at least twice from the amount of times I’ve had to stop short, and dad says next time I’ll have to pay for them myself, but I don’t have time to pick up any more hours at the tanning salon. Excuse me, Karate Kid, but I had to take 14 hours this semester.
LANGUAGE BARRIER: The only time that’s necessary to interact with international students is when you have one as your TA. Just like trying to open the UGL doors without looking like an idiot, it’s very rare to have a TA that isn’t an international. When you’re struggling in a class, you have to ask your TA (who you can’t understand in the first place) a question if you want some inkling of what the hell is going on in your 1,300-student lecture. Listen, my grandpa didn’t fight China back in WWII to secure our right to speak English back in the States, so why give other non-
American languages a free pass? Saying goodbye to foreigners means your TAs would actually be approachable for the first time since the university was founded. How’s that for dropping a decentlysized knowledge bomb on you, huh? If internationals had no problem stealing the admitted student’s spot at Northwestern that was rightfully mine, then they should have no problem making room at this university for more of us average, middle-class white students. It’s like America isn’t even America anymore. Christ.
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Student With A Lot of Questions Frightened He Keeps Noticing Professor’s Bulge Jupiter Stevens wrote this URBANA – Sophomore Riley Craft has been sitting in his seat, staring at the chalkboard for three hours after his last class was let out. “I... I think I’m... oh god,” Craft was heard muttering to himself in a quiet hush. “What do I...? Where do I...? Who do I...? Oh my god.” Students in Craft’s Intro to Biology discussion section reportedly noticed Craft continuously glancing back-andforth between what the professor was writing on the board and his crotch. “Every couple seconds I’d see his head sort of drop down and his eye line was RIGHT on it, you know what I
mean?” classmate Jerry Kissinger told reporters after class. “I mean, Professor Jacobs was wearing pretty tight jeans today, so I can’t totally blame Riley but he was making it really obvious. Maybe today just pushed him over the edge.” Professor Jacobs said he began to notice that something uncomfortable was happening around the 15-minute mark of the class, after which he attempted to face his front side towards the chalkboard as much as he could. “In retrospect, that may have made things worse,” Professor Jacobs said. “If my pants were making him go crazy from the front, I’m sure
FOOTBALL TEAM CONCLUDES GLASS HALF BROKEN MIDWAY THROUGH SEASON At the halfway point in the semester, some students try to find eight-week courses to cover what they dropped earlier in the semester. Others use this halfway mark to reflect on whether the glass is half full or half empty, such as the Illini football team. Clark Thompson, linebacker, thinks that the glass is half full, despite the Fighting Illini’s expectedly mediocre record so far this season.
the back had him numb from the neck down.” Sophomore Kerry Brooks, Craft’s best friend and current roommate, said he’s been noticing a gradual shift in the student’s interest in the class as the semester has gone on. “As you’d expect, the first day he came home and complained about the content of the course and the subject matter, but then after a few weeks he couldn’t
even tell you what the class was called anymore,” Brooks said, pointing out Craft’s notes from that day’s class which consisted solely of gigantic penises and question marks. “Who knows what’s going on with him. At first I thought it was just a phase, but now all he talks about is how welldressed his professor is and that one day he’ll gather up the courage to go to something he called ‘after office hours.’”
“Yeah, we suck right now,” said Thompson. “But the way I look at it is that, if I play really well, even if my team doesn’t, I’ll do really well in the NFL draft. Lowtier teams will realize that they can get me for less money, making me a prime pick.” However, the rest of the team doesn’t see the glass as optimistically half full as Thompson. The team’s loss to Wisconsin proved why the Fighting Illini are playing against such crappy teams this year: Crappy teams the only ones Illinios can try to beat. “It felt like our glass was empty, but then Wisconsin dumped their glass of icy, watered-down Gatorade all over us after they embarrassed us on our home field,” said Rich Greg, fullback. “At least they were nice enough to refresh us after the game.”
Winnie Bago wrote this
Wes Lunt, quarterback, literally crushed a half empty glass in his bare hand when he found out he injured his knee. He was then frustrated that his injured hand kept him out of even more games. Coach Tim Beckman can’t keep a glass full, let alone half full to save his life. He’s kept an open tab at KAM’S the entire semester to keep away the pain of possibly getting fired for the Illinois’ dismal season. Whether you think the glass is half full or half empty, at least there’s only 52 days left until the season is over, and then the team can dump whatever is in the glass down the drain.
around town
Student Confuses Open Mic
with A.A. Meeting
Mo’ Freeman wrote this
The Etc. Coffeehouse in Urbana has had its fair share of weirdos and over-dramatic political encounters, but recently the boutique brew joint had its most depressing one yet. Freshman Joey Danes went to the Montage Open Mic Night this past Friday with high (but mistaken) hopes in order to make a new start for his drowning liver by looking for strength from the sympathetic community, Alcoholics Anonymous. Quickly after the opening bongo ceremony had simmered down to welcome performers, Danes stumbled up onto the stage, hiding behind sunglasses, a sombrero, a poncho and a fake mustache, and drunkenly exclaimed, “What’s up, gayboys? My name is Joey and I am three hours sober.” It seemed the freshman had attended an exchange themed ”I’m glad I’m not…“ just hours prior to his Etc. appearance. When an audience member asked what he was dressed up as, the student responded, “Working at Torticas, mowing lawns, or a tattoo artist. You pick.” While most folks in the crowd found his outfit incredibly racist, other performers insisted that Danes must’ve been making a post-modern statement on the contemporary Hispanic American.
The Black Sheep sided more on the former, for the record.
his puke burp, which he bravely swallowed.
“He didn’t seem too eloquent when he stumbled on stage,” mentioned frequent open mic attendee Jayne Gilbert. “Sure, he looked a little bizarre, especially when he just breathed heavily into the microphone and paced back and forth for a solid minute, but I thought it was a part of his dramatic persona. It certainly added suspense. But then he started actually speaking and drooling... and that’s when the true genius of his words surfaced.”
The uncomfortable student continued to make everyone shrink into their over-stuffed coffeehouse chairs as he went on.
Danes quickly identified himself for what he truly was when he went on to explain his own personal struggles with alcohol, a typical agenda in a legitimate A.A. meeting. “I really didn’t drink at all in high school... I mean, sometimes I would come to class pretty bombed, but no one liked me when I was sober, and I didn’t think I was going to college. My dad bought my way in here. My dad runs my life, runs my life, and runs my life and doesn’t even know who I fucking am. What about me, DAD? WHAT ABOUT ME?” Danes then had to take a swig from his flask both to quell his tears and
“But it became too much when I came here with all of these general studies classes, not knowing how to actually read, and my roommate being a Chinese dude who smells like fortune cookies. Which you think would be cool but it sucks, I feel like I actually live in rice paddy. What would you do, ass wipes? You think you could be me?” Danes then got cut off as the group’s token hipster black guy escorted him off the stage, while the crowd quietly snapped their fingers and batted at the bongos. We have been told that Danes was immediately taken to a recovery center in Urbana where he will be attending real A.A. meetings. Despite his disoriented mix-up, Danes now has a new community to call home should he ever venture into Urbana again. Danes’ performance was widely received as one of the most impressive open mic sets in Montage’s history. Etc. Coffeehouse regulars are eagerly awaiting the rising spoken word artist’s next streamof-consciousness performance.
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THE (NON-ALCOHOLIC) BOOZE REVIEW Squirrel Man wrote this The Black Sheep makes no secret of our drinking habits. Indeed, each week we try out a new drink and write a review on it. But every now and then, a popular drink will slip under our radar. And as avid drinkers, we believe that it’s our responsibility to give all liquid refreshments a fair chance. These are our critiques of some drinks we’ve overlooked in the past:
Milk Grade: B+
Everyone knows how lazy and privileged college students are, and how they’ll find anything to complain about. When they aren’t in one of their 15 hours of class during the week or in some resume-builder club, they’re likely to be spending the rest of the day taking hits off a bong that Daddy’s North Shore credit card bought. Maybe if some of these jobs were offered at UIUC, they would be more inclined to put their time at a $30,000 a year institution to good use:
9.) Liquor Tester: Because 90% of college students are alcoholics already, they might as well be professionals. Similar to binge watching Netflix, these students would be paid to try out every new type of alcohol that comes out, and determine whether or not it’s shitty by college standards, or just horrible in general. Want to shadow someone for career day? Ask our own Tex Mex for pointers on what it’s like to test liquor in the real world. 8.) Yik Yak Campus Representative: This job would involve students attending popular social events and composing multiple Yaks. This would be a great resume builder, because students can claim they’ve had professional writing experience, and it’s quite possible this would qualify as journalism by today’s standards. 7.) Shack Shirt Designer: We’ve all seen it; the obvious walk of shame home the morning after a night out. So instead of giving away your favorite hoodie or t-shirt (which you will obviously never see again), why not design shirts to give to your conquests as a parting gift? “I slept with Jimmy!” would look great across her chest.
iced tea packets. Tea has countless health benefits, and more importantly, we have tea partially to thank for giving us the term “tea bagging.” However, tea is overrated. After all, why would you drink tea in a world where you can drink an Arnold Palmer instead?
This drink was popularized by the McPoyle brothers in the hit television show It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Milk comes in a wide variety of flavors, including skim, 1%, 2%, whole, chocolate, and Harvey. Milk is most often consumed by the 25% of the world’s population that isn’t lactose intolerant. It’s a great source of calcium – a mineral which not only gives you healthy bones and teeth, but also delays PMS. Milk has an unpleasant smell when kept out for too long, and while you don’t want to know where it comes from, there are certainly worse things you can chug a gallon of.
Alright, we know lemonade tastes sweet. We know you can buy it from bored children for only a quarter. But come on. Let’s address what everybody actually thinks of lemonade: It looks too much like pee. Even if you know you’re drinking lemonade, there’s always part of you that thinks, “I really hope this isn’t pee.” No drink that resembles pee is worth recommending, no matter how sweet or cheap it is.
Tea Grade: C-
Orange Juice Grade: A
Water’s sexy little sister who’s always down for a teabag. It’s been consistently voted “Best Drink to Have While Meditating,” yet it’s also the drink which inspires the most violent colonial parties. Its scent smells distinctly like
CAMPUS JOBS THAT SHOULD ACTUALLY EXIST 10.) Netflix Binge Watcher: This job would be beneficial for more people than just college students because the students would binge watch all the shows and movies on Netflix, then write reviews for them. Next time you’re looking for a random movie and wondering if it’s any good, you’ll already know because some slob with a laptop already watched it for you.
Water Grade: B-
A beverage that’s essential to sustaining life as we know it. It can be found in most places on Earth, and it provides the body with its most basic nutrients. Typical drinkers of water include everybody who’s ever lived. Nevertheless, water is hardly any fun to drink. Its taste has been described as “generic,” “plain,” “boring,” and “painfully inoffensive.” That’s why many refer to water as “the Hugh Grant of drinks.” We suggest mixing water with any flavor at all before consuming it.
THE TOP TEN
Lemonade Grade: D+
You know those people who ask, “How come everything that tastes good is bad for you?” Those people obviously haven’t heard of orange juice. Orange juice makes your taste buds do jizzing back flips, and it’ll help you live to be 105
years old. It’s the perfect drink. Unless it has pulp. The pulp in orange juice is a fucking awful surprise. Thank goodness for GMOs.
Coffee Grade: B
It’s the ideal drink for when you have that MP due tomorrow and you know you’re going to have to stay up until 4 a.m. to finish it, but you’re too afraid to try Red Bull because you heard that’ll kill you, so you need something else to keep you awake, and you don’t mind having a lifelong addiction to something that’ll fuck up your sleep schedule as well as your cholesterol levels. Jesus, my room is messy. Should I clean my room? I’m going to clean my room. We hope that these nonalcoholic reviews will offset those dry drinkers who we’ve alienated since the publication’s inception. Judging by how long it’s taken to give our Fridaynight-indoors readers beverage reviews that they can actually relate to, you can expect to see our next rendition of “The (Non-Alcoholic) Booze Review” in 2025.
6.) Facebook Creep: College students have become so advanced with creeping on Facebook they could be employed as private investigators. New boyfriend? Just give the name to a certified creep, and they’ll be able to tell you his mother’s middle name, Social Security number, and most embarrassing moment from 7th grade in the matter of minutes. 5.) Drunk Food Critic: After a night out, students are faced with the toughest decision they will have to make in their pitiful existence: where to get drunk food. If other students reviewed popular restaurants, it would be so much easier to decide between Wingin’ Out and Wing Street. 4.) Fat Sandwich Guinea Pig: This job is dangerous, because some of the shit Fat Sandwich puts on their sandwiches has been proven to cause heart attacks within two bites. Students working this job would gain the Freshman 45, but since that was bound to happen anyway, they might as well do it by eating sandwiches with mozzarella sticks stuffed inside. 3.) Drunk Fight Mediator: People are irrational when they’re angry and drunk, and can sometimes use outside help. This job is perfect for psychology students because they won’t get any work after graduation, so they should practice messing people’s lives up now. 2.) Seat Filler: This job serves no purpose other than to pay college students to sleep, which would be a dream come true for everyone. To make professors feel more confident, the university could pay students to fill in empty seats in giant lectures. Whoever was sitting there was going to pay just as less attention as you anyway! 1.) Professional Failure: Your parents most likely view you as a royal fuck-up anyways, so being paid for it seems like the most reasonable compensation. In order to build up confidence in other students, the university can pay you to set the bar low in order to eliminate any selfdoubt in their graduating class through pure comparison. You don’t have to get a job as long as you tell your classmates about it!
Katie Got Bandz wrote this
09
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$1 Wells, $2 PBR Tall Boys $2 Fireball, $3 Long Islands $7 Domestic Pitchers
UGK and Superstar Ent. presents THE OVERFLOW with Katie Got Bandz, Lil Ronnie and more!
Night at the Roxbury Throwback Thursday! $1 FIREBALL, $2 UV Vodka
Live Karaoke Band $5, 9:30pm Pick from over 300 songs!
Friday 10/17
$2 Wells, $2.50 Domestic Bottles, $3 Calls, $3 Three Olives, $3 Long Islands, $4 Vegas Bombs, $7 Domestic Pitchers
THE MAIN SQUEEZE, INDIGOSUN and THE ARS NOVA
Saturday 10/18
$2 Wells, $2.50 Domestic Bottles, $3 Bacardi, $3 Long Islands, $4 Patron Shots $7 Domestic Pitchers
HEROBUST with WUKI, PLEASURE and FORREST BUMP
$3 Captain Morgan $3 Bud Light Bottles $5 Patron Shots
DJ Tim Williams, 10pm Free before 11pm!
Book your next party or event at The Clybourne Call 217-722-9000 or email CochraneParty@gmail.com
Big Dave's Trivia Night FREE, 7:30PM! $1 Miller High Life Drafts, $2 Miller Lite Drafts, $2 Jameson Shots $5 Red Bull Vodkas, $5 Nacho
$1 Dirty Smurf Shots $2 Top Shelf
DJ Mingram, Free, 10pm $3 Jameson and Absolut
CAMPUS COMEDY SHOWCASE (Late Show!) featuring some of C-U’s funniest! $2 Real Long Islands! NO COVER (21+), $3 Cover (under 21)
WINE NIGHT $8 Bottles of Wine $8 Bottles of Champagne $2 Wells, $2 Beam Fire Shots
Open Mic Night - Free! Sign-Up Starts at 8:45pm
STONEY LARUE with THE SAMPSON JONES GANG and HI HO BUFFALO
No Womp Wompsday! $2 Long Islands $2 Hot Stuff Whiskey
Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas
SPECIAL NIGHT Wednesday 10/15
EVERYDAY SPECIALS $1 Mini Cherry Bombs $1 Mini O-Bombs $2 Mini Jager Bombs Wing Night! $0.25 Wings $1.50 High Life
$2 Flavored LITs - NEW FLAVORS Peach, Banana, Raspberry, Apple, Melon, Blue Grape, Strawberry, THE CHIEF
Sunday 10/19
Closed
Closed
Monday 10/20
$2 Double Well Drinks $2 Bud Light/Budweiser Drafts, $5 Bud Light/ Budweiser Pitchers
MONDAY NIGHT HOUSE PARTY! feat. LIVE MUSIC! $2 Slices of Manolos and $1 Drinks
Tuesday 10/21
$2 Wells $2 Domestic Drafts $2 Craft Drafts* $2 Shot of the Week
Wednesday 10/22
Wing Night! $0.25 Wings $1.50 High Life
$2 Flavored LITs - NEW FLAVORS Peach, Banana, Raspberry, Apple, Melon, Blue Grape, Strawberry, THE CHIEF
NO COVER (21+), $3 Cover (under 21)
Friday After Class! FREE GRILLED CHEESE starts at 6pm
(with purchase of any beverage) $3 Bud Light Tallboy Cans, $3 Jim Beam & Bacardi, $3 Jager Bombs
A Cool Hand, $5, 9pm w/ Pete Stillwell, 6th St. Brass Band and Cheef
THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM THE BAR GRID NFL Sunday Ticket! $5 Nachos, 8 Wings for $6 $6 Pitchers of Miller Lite, Coors Light and Bud Light $4 Bloody Mary’s
SUNDAY: Pygmalion Presents: Pallbearer Doors at 8pm
Watch the Hawks ALL SEASON Long on our Giant TVs!
SPECIAL NIGHT
BLACKHAWKS vs FLAMES at 7:30pm, $1 SHOTS Bud Mug Night: You Keep the 25oz Mug! Karaoke at 10pm!
$2.50 Red Stripe, $3 Jack Daniels, $3 Bacardi Redbull
Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!
Freshmen Night No Cover Under 25
Wednesday 10/15
Jets vs Patriots 7pm $1 Taco’s 4-10pm, $1 WELLS NO COVER! $2 Bud Drafts
$3 ANY Draft $4 White Russians
Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gmail.com
Redd, White and Boom! $2 Redd’s, $2 Jaeger Bombs and $2 Blue Moons
Thursday 10/16
$3.99 Haus Fries $3 Jim Beam $3 Bacardi Rum $6 Bud Light 40’s
$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy, $5 Jagerbombs
DJ Delayney at 10pm, $5
Plan Your Next Birthday Party or Fundraiser at Joe’s
Friday 10/17
Catch the All the Action at Guido’s!
Power-N-Soul Presents: De Noche, Salsa Dancing, Drink Specials! 9pm
Contact us at joesbrewery@gmail.com
Saturday 10/18
BEARS vs DOLPHINS Win a Bears Jersey $2 ANYTHING SUNDAYS! Every Liquor..Every Beer $2! $3.99 for 10 Haus Wings
NFL Sunday Ticket! $5 Nachos, 8 Wings for $6 $6 Pitchers of Miller Lite, Coors Light and Bud Light $4 Bloody Mary’s
Pygmalion Presents: Pallbearer Doors at 8pm
Bears, Beers and $4 Spazzles
Sunday 10/19
Monday Night Football Texans vs Steelers $1 Bud Light Drafts HALF PRICE APPS 4-10pm
$2 Bud Light and Miller Lite Drafts, $3 Jameson, 1/2 off Apps after 8pm
Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gmail.com
MNJ
Monday 10/20
HALF PRICE BURGERS 4pm-10pm $2 WELLS, HALF PRICE SHARKBOWLS, $2 Bud Light Drafts Blackhawks vs Flyers 7:30pm
$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells
Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gmail.com
No Cover @ the 8th Grade Dance
Tuesday 10/21
KARAOKE at 10pm! $1 SHOTS Bud Mug Night You Keep the 25oz Glass Mug Hawks vs Flames 7pm
$2.50 Red Stripe, $3 Jack Daniels, $3 Bacardi Redbull
Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!
Sophomore Night: No Cover Under 24
Wednesday 10/22
SATURDAY! BLACKED OUT HAWKS! Only Place to See the Hawks Game is at Firehaus - Not on Local TV! 7:30pm: Blackhawks vs Predators
BLACKED OUT HAWKS! Only Place to See the Hawks Game is at Firehaus - Not on Local TV!
7:30pm: Blackhawks vs Predators 7:30pm: #3 Florida St vs #5 Notre Dame
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THE BAR GRID DOWNTOWN
SPECIAL NIGHT
Friday and Saturday: $10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm
order by monday blacksheepswag.com
KAM'S Oktoberfest Weekend! $4 32oz Leinies, $2 Jager Shots $3 German Beer Bottles $3 Sam Adams Oktoberfest Awesome Promos All Weekend!
Friday 4 o’Clock Club 1/2 Price Appetizer 4 ‘til 5
FRIDAY AND SATURDAY! $2.50 PBR Tall Boys
Over $6,000 in Prizes All Month!
No Cover! ALL Bottles on sale
Trivia Night (8-10PM), $4 Boiler Makers
Senior Night! No Cover 21+
Thirsty Thursday! No Cover! $2 Well Drinks $2 Domestic Beers
$1 Off Scotches, $3 Featured Shot
BIG Friday - NO COVER! Plus 4 o’clock Club
$2.50 PBR Tall Boys
Karaoke Frattle!
Wednesday 10/15 Thursday 10/16
1/2 Priced Drafts, $1.75 Wells and $2 Imports
$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors
$2 Platinum, $2 Bud and Bud Light Cans, $5 Lime-a-Rita Pitchers, $3 3 Olives & Cuervo Drinks, $3 Blue Guys and $2 Rumchata Party w/ Bud Girls and DJ Delicato
$10 Bud Buckets (5 Bottles) $6 Pitchers, $2 Fireball $6 Bacardi Fishbowl KamsIslands $3 UV Drinks, $4 Appleseed Cider Live DJ All Night!
Friday 10/17
$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm
Oktoberfest Weekend! $4 32oz Leinies, $2 Jager Shots $3 German Beer Bottles $3 Sam Adams Oktoberfest Awesome Promos All Weekend!
Saturday 10/18
$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm
Oktoberfest Weekend! $4 32oz Leinies, $2 Jager Shots $3 German Beer Bottles $3 Sam Adams Oktoberfest Awesome Promos All Weekend!
Solo Cup Saturday NO COVER
$2.50 PBR Tall Boys
Sunday 10/19
$2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells, $5 Personal Pizzas with 2 Toppings $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders
NFL Sunday Funday! $2 U Call It: Wells, Bottles, Drafts Bears vs. Dolphins at Noon!
Sunday Funday $3 ALL DRAFTS
$1 Hamms, $2 Rails, $3 Jameson and Powers
Monday 10/20
$1.50 High Life Drafts! $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders
Monday Night Football! Open at 7:30PM $2 U Call Its
Beer Lover’s Night! Every single beer is on sale
Abe Froman Project Improv Comedy 8:30
Fame Fantasy Karaoke 10pm, No Cover AND $1.25 PBR
Tuesday 10/21
1/2 Price Tuesdays! 1/2 Price Pool All Day, $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)
Country Night! Drink in Your Mason Jar
No Cover! ALL Drafts on sale
Reggae Night at 10PM, $4 Boiler Makers
No Cover! ALL Bottles on sale
Trivia Night (8-10PM), $4 Boiler Makers
$1.50 Whiskey Drinks and Coors Btls, $7.50 5 Bottle Buckets, $1.50 Drafts, $2 Moonshine Drinks/ Shots, $2 Beam Fire Shots, $2 Beam Fire & Ginger, Wear Your Dukes and Boots!
Karaoke Frattle!
Wednesday 10/22
1/2 Priced Drafts, $1.75 Wells and $2 Imports
Over $6,000 in Prizes All Month!
$2 Platinum, $2 Bud and Bud Light Cans, $5 Lime-a-Rita Pitchers, $3 3 Olives & Cuervo Drinks, $3 Blue Guys and $2 Rumchata Party w/ Bud Girls and DJ Delicato
THE BAR GRID
Win Hawks Tickets Every Tuesday in October!
SATURDAY! $3 Miller Lite and Coors Light 20oz Drafts w/ Keeper Cup
WEDNESDAYS! WPGU & Jim Beam presents... Frattle of the Bands Starts at 11pm $2 Jim Beam Fire $4 Cruzan Rum Buckets
Late Night Meal Everyday After 12! 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza
MONDAY $1 Drafts, Wells, Shots 1/2 Off Burgers 4-9PM
SPECIAL NIGHT
Logo Glass Day! Party with the Fireball Girls!
$6.50 32oz Personal Pitchers (Margaritas, Long Islands, and Amaretto Stone Sours)
WPGU & Jim Beam presents... Frattle of the Bands Starts at 11pm $2 Jim Beam Fire $4 Cruzan Rum Buckets
$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza
$7.50 Rum and Cola Pitchers, Miller and Coors Pitchers $2 Dr. Menthol and Rumchata $0.50 Jumbo Wings, $1 Chicken Fingers
Wednesday 10/15
$8 Pitchers of Killians, Leinenkugels and Shocktop
10 for $10 Coors Light 7oz Bottles $4.25 Martinis
SHACKER NIGHT $2 UV Vodka, $2 Hot Stuff Whiskey, $5 Huge Shackers You Keep the Cup!
$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza
$3 Jack, Bird Dog, and Soco Drinks $1 Horse Tranquilizers $3 Das Boot, $5 Fills 1/2 Off Sandwiches After 4PM
Thursday 10/16
$5 Wild Turkey or Skyy Doubles Miller Crush Party (6-8)
$3 Miller Lite and Coors Light 16oz Cans
Open at 5pm $1 Fratty Natty Bottles $3 Jager Bombs $3 Jim Beam
$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza
$2.50 Coronas, $3.50 Bacardi Flavors Half Off German Sausage Meals After 4PM
Friday 10/17
$5 Jameson Doubles $3 Goose Island Family Beers
$3 Miller Lite and Coors Light 20oz Drafts w/ Keeper Cup
$3 Jager Bombs $3 Captain Morgan
$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza
$3 Captain, Crown, and 3 Olives Drinks
Saturday 10/18
Get Ready for Trivia Night! $4 Well Doubles
5 for $12 Domestic Buckets $2.50 Glasses of House Wine $6.95 All You Can Eat Spaghetti & Garlic Bread (5-10pm, dine-in only)
Book your next Party or Event at RED LION! Call 217-722-9000 or email us at CochraneParty@gmail.com
$7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza
$1 Drafts and Wells, $3 Bloody Marys Brunch from 11am – 3pm REHAB 1/2 Off Big Breakfast with Stamp
Sunday 10/19
BINGO NIGHT! $3 Drafts of Blue Moon, Angry Orchard and Sam Adams Family
$2 Domestic Bottles $6 Personal 10in Pizza w/ 1 Topping (5-10pm, dine-in only)
MONDAY NIGHT LION $1 WELLS $2 HOT STUFF $3 MONSTER VODKA’S
$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza
$1 Drafts, Wells, Shots 1/2 Off Burgers 4-9PM
Monday 10/20
$2 Tall Boys of Old Style, PBR, Schlitz and Miller Lite
$2 Domestic Drafts $3 Premium Drafts $0.40 Wings (5-10pm, dine-in only)
SENIOR NIGHT $2 LONG ISLANDS, $2 WELLS $2 BUD LIGHT BOTTLES Bags Tourney at 9pm
$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza
$2 Any Draft, $2 Wells $6 Pitchers (Excl. Guinness) $1 TACOS ALL DAY
Tuesday 10/21
Logo Glass Day! Party with the Fireball Girls!
$6.50 32oz Personal Pitchers (Margaritas, Long Islands, and Amaretto Stone Sours)
WPGU & Jim Beam presents... Frattle of the Bands Starts at 11pm $2 Jim Beam Fire $4 Cruzan Rum Buckets
$2 U Call Its! $7.29 Late-Night Meal (After 12) 3pc Chicken Strips or Gyro + Fries Large Cheese Pizza
$7.50 Rum and Cola Pitchers, Miller and Coors Pitchers, $2 Dr. Menthol and Rumchata $0.50 Jumbo Wings, $1 Chicken Fingers
Wednesday 10/22
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PARTY PICS!
Tweet us your #partypics, or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
ON THE STREETS What is the stupidest question you’ve ever asked someone? CAITLIN “The galaxy is bigger than the universe… right?”
ERICA “My friend asked me, ‘Wait, do you and your brothers have the same birthday?’ We’re triplets.”
BRITTANY “Does turkey come from turkey?… Where does ham come from then?”
BARTENDERS of the WEEK
KILEY of JOE’S
Relationship Status: Free Love Major: LOL Favorite Drink: American Harvest and water because I’m fancy. Favorite Shot: 3 Pointer Disgusting Drink: Gin and tonic In your experience, what nonalcoholic drink is the worst mixer?: Grape juice and Jose Cuervo. 8th grade in my friends’ basement = black puke. The most overrated brand of beer/wine/liquor is what?: Bud Light’s advertising actually makes me want to be sober… Where’s the best place to hide in Joe’s?: Behind a pair of sunglasses If you could change one thing about Facebook, what would it be?: Jack Kavis’ profile picture What Halloween costume could you make with only what you have in your pockets or purse/ bag?: Stripper… so many singles! What do you think will be this year’s most overdone Halloween costume, and why?: Elsa from Frozen… My god, people, let it go… What kind of fart best says, “let’s bone”?: Silent but deadly, 3rd floor of Cly’s. Proven method. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because it’s about as trustworthy as The Daily Illini… but funny.
THE DRINKING GAME PIN THE TAIL ON THE RA
DOWNLOAD OUR FREE APP FOR ALL THE GAMES!
SO, WE MESSED UP. Our apologies to Murphy’s and Legends for last week’s
Bartender Interview mistake. We had a misquote in there which inadvertently started a mild feud. It was totally our fault and nobody else’s, so we’re really sorry. Let’s all be friends again, please!
ELIZABETH of WHITE HORSE
Relationship Status: Taken Major: Agricultural and consumer economics Favorite Drink: Vodka Favorite Shot: Tequila Disgusting Drink: Anything with gin In your experience, what nonalcoholic drink is the worst mixer?: Who needs a mixer? The most overrated brand of beer/wine/liquor is what?: Draft Coors/Miller/Bud… just get a bottle! Where’s the best place to hide in White Ho?: The corner booths. If you could change one thing about Facebook, what would it be?: One couldn’t delete pictures. What Halloween costume could you make with only what you have in your pockets or purse/ bag?: Nudist What do you think will be this year’s most overdone Halloween costume, and why?: FIFA World Cup, it’s easy and in recent memory. What kind of fart best says, “let’s bone”?: Silent but deadly. Have you ever wondered if love has a first name?: Can say I never have. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: What better things do you have to do in class?
RECIPE FOR DISASTER SUGAR-COATED CAVITY FILLING
NOMNOMNOM AT THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
BOOZE REVIEW Guinness Draught (in America) Grade: ATex Mex Wrote This
Ah, Guinness. The staple that makes so many Americans “Irish” every St. Patrick’s Day by 1 ‘o’ clock in the afternoon. While this week’s Booze Review isn’t necessarily breaking new ground (if you’re looking for that, check out the non-alcoholic version on page 9, you filthy geed), we felt that we needed to address an uncharacteristically large leprechaun in the room. Having been to the Guinness Store House (i.e. Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory for Alcoholics) in Dublin, Ireland, editor Tex Mex finally got to see how the famous dark brew fares overseas when it’s not being siphoned directly from the heart of Ireland. Smells like: A fistful of shamrocks after being submerged in a pint of dark beer blacker than the waters of Loch Ness. You know, the lake located in the part of the UK that was too much of a pansy to secede, unlike their more daring and infinitely more attractive Irish brethren, aye? Tastes Like: The same thickly smooth, rich, damnnear-chocolaty goodness you’d expect from the native Irish version, albeit not quite as perfect as it could be. Think about climaxing a second time at 11:37 a.m. fully knowing that it will never amount to the brisk euphoria that happened at 10:24 a.m. Typical Drinkers: - Any self-respecting person partaking in an Irish parade for St. Paddy’s Day. - The friend at the bar who just went all-out on his tab well aware that he’s been putting back $8 pints all night. - Figureheads of alcoholic superiority who laugh at the phrase, “Ew, it’s so bitter and icky…”
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- Pretty much anyone without the luxury of getting it naturally from the bountiful Guinness wells all over the Irish countryside. User Comments: - “It’s great as always, but I fear Willy Wonka’s Dry Stout Factory has left a hole in my heart that only an expensive trip back to the Motherland can mend.” - “I want it to slide down my throat as slow as possible. Yeah, I know what I said. Fuck off.” - “OH, LOOK. The bartender made a little threeleaf clover in the froth. Take notes, art students.” - *The lyrics to “Galway Girl”* You’ll Like This if You Like: Drinking one of the greatest beers known to mankind, abridged. Best Described as a Candy from Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory: An Everlasting Gobstopper dunked in the chocolate river that Augustus Gloop fell in. Except, for all intents and purposes, the Gobstopper sadly doesn’t last forever, and Augustus is of legal drinking age. What the Gene Wilder Would Say if He Saw You Drinking This: “Where am I? What is ‘Champaign, Illinois?’ Where are you taking me? Nice choice in beer, though.” Common Food Pairing Suggestions: Bangers and mash, traditional Irish stew, fish and chips, a burger and fries, pizza, literally anything, etc. We mixed it with: The luck of the Irish and an empty stomach.
THE CARTOON BY: EDWIN
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U of I Springfield Dissects Lincoln in Attempt to Get Medical School Attention Winnie Bago wrote this The University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign is leaning toward adding a College of Medicine. However, The University of Illinois at Chicago is threatened that UIUC is taking away the one thing UIC is known for outside of having a campus that looks like a state penitentiary. And the University of Illinois at Springfield just wants to at least be mentioned in this article. You’re welcome, red-headed stepsister school of ours. UIS decided to finally do something about always being forgotten about. If a new College of Medicine is the new hype, then UIS is going to get in on it by dissecting the body of Abraham Lincoln. “We needed some-
thing revolutionary,” said Dr. Henry Brown, professor in biology, wearing a top hat and reciting Lincoln speeches in between interviews. Susan Koch, Springfield’s version of Chancellor Wise, begged Governor Pat Quinn to get Abraham Lincoln’s body on loan. Quinn, feeling like a dad who reluctantly needed to give attention to the third child as well, replied with a note saying, “Sure, why not?” According to reports, Lincoln was sprawled on an American flag to be dissected. Brown said it “just felt right.” While Lincoln was dressed in a suit that was pulled open to perform the dissection, his top hat was left on
Engineering Student Who Only Has Experience in Lincoln Logs Upset He Didn’t Get Job CHAMPAIGN – Sources inside the Psi Upsilon fraternity house are reporting that freshman pledge member Jeremy Picket is livid after already being denied an internship with a high-profile company. Picket, who applied to the program without having completed even one semester of university schooling, said he can’t believe they denied him. “The first thing I said when I got the email? ‘ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?’” Picket said. “My resume is outstanding. I listed all the qualities I can bring to the company as an employee and I had my high school GPA right at the top – which was outstanding, by the way. I even had so much experience working as a caddy at my dad’s country club that I couldn’t even fit it all on there. This is ridiculous.” Picket’s fraternity brothers said the freshman has already punched three holes in the wall and broke a door when he slammed it, all within five minutes of receiving the news.
to add “dignity” to the situation. Brown worked with the computer science department to set up a webcam that allowed people from all over to watch the dissection. He hoped that it would become more viral than the Alma Mater’s webcam showing her return, giving UIS an edge in the College of Medicine discussion. “It’s very similar to dissecting a frog in high school,” said Brown.
“Except that President Lincoln is a man. And although he’s called Honest Abe, I couldn’t find a single honest bone in his body. It’s all dust!” Despite UIS’ efforts, a mere four people watched the stream of the dissection at a given time. On the contrary, more than 500 viewers watched the Alma Mater cam at 2:15 a.m. later that night as a couple became the first to drunkenly have sex on the bronzed statue.
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“He’s going crazy,” senior pledge father Chris Davis said. “He doesn’t understand that the only experience he has building anything was when he played with Lincoln Logs and wooden blocks in preschool. Someone’s got to break the news to him, but it sure as hell isn’t going to be me. He’s nuts.” Picket could be seen over Davis’ shoulder stabbing a couch cushion with a butcher knife. “I don’t get it,” Picket yelled. “I do ALL my homework, I go to EVERY class, I pay attention ALL the time. What more do you have to do to get a goddamn job around here?” Jupiter Stevens wrote this
WHAT KIND OF HALLOWEEN PARTY SHOULD YOU ATTEND?
If you’re seeing your dorm covered in spider webs, with a multitude of carved pumpkins, and an occasional exorcism happening at your local Catholic church, then it must be Halloween. And because it’s Halloween it must mean there are sorority and fraternity parties or house parties that you’ll be attending. There will be some awesome parties full of orange Jell-O shots and slutty costumes, and then there will be those parties that have bobbing for apples and the Halloweentown series playing in the corner. Now, one party may sound better than the other. The Black Sheep is here to help you determine which kind of party you’re attending. Enjoy whatever party you choose. PS: We hope you win the costume contest.
Spot the difference!
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BECKMAN SENDS FOOTBALL TEAM TO ROOMS TO “THINK ABOUT WHAT THEY’VE DONE” DURING OFF-WEEK Losing game after game faster than the Department of English loses funding, head coach Tim Beckman has opted for a mass “grounding” strategy in order to prepare the team for their inevitable homecoming game loss next week. Rather than the usual off-week training, Beckman has sent every member of the Illini football team to their rooms to “think long and hard about what they’ve done” over the past few games. “It’s so frustrating when you have kids that just don’t listen,” moaned a frustrated Beckman while undoing his belt. “I gave the team simple instructions: Win the games. And what did they go ahead and do? The exact opposite of what I told them. Whether or not it’s just a phase, disciplinary action had to be taken.”
Beckman unleashed a small but firm whiplash from his disciplinary belt, a thunderous crack that caused us to pee a little. While the retrospective “long and hard thought” process has just begun, most of the athletes on the team aren’t taken their grounding lightly. Reports indicate that some members have thrown temper tantrums around their apartments, kicking their walls and screaming into their pillows. “It ’s SO not fair,” whined quarterback Reilly O’Toole as he grumpily stared at the corner he was sent to. “Coach just went ahead and took away my Xbox and the remote to my TV. How else am I supposed to take my mind off of our losing streak? He wants us to think ‘long and hard’ about how we’ve been acting lately, but all I can think about is how much I hate
him. YOU HEAR THAT, COACH? I HATE YOU. I WISH I WAS NEVER SIGNED IN THE FIRST PLACE.” When we told Beckman of O’Toole’s harsh words, he assured us that “he was just angry” and “didn’t really mean what he said.”
phones so they can’t passively aggressively text their friends about how this is ‘such bullshit.’ These boys have to understand that they must do as their head coach says, no ifs, ands, or buts.”
As some of the football players are having a harder time thinking about what they’ve done, Beckman has been going to great lengths to ensure as many privileges are taken away to guarantee complete and total focus.
Needless to say, team morale has been at an all-time low, which is a feat once thought impossible based on how poorly the football season is going. Several of the players have become increasingly angsty, often given one-word answers while folding their arms and refusing to make eye contact.
“It’s basically a version of calling a ‘time-out’ during a game,” explained Beckman as he sternly glared at running back Josh Ferguson to ensure he didn’t sneak out of his room through a window. “Except instead of stopping the game for a few minutes to discuss offensive or defensive strategies, I just take away the team’s cell
When we asked wide receiver Geronimo Allison if there was anything wrong, he responded with a blunt, “Nothing.” When we asked what he thought about his coach grounding him for the week with no dessert, he responded with a brash, “I don’t know.” We tried to get his thoughts on how he feels the team’s “time-out” will affect
the outcome of the homecoming game, to which he replied, “I don’t wanna talk about it,” as he shifted his covers and turned away from us. “Once they’re ready to start acting
like adults and be responsible for their actions, they can come out to play,” claimed Beckman as he sent quarterback Wes Lunt to bed without supper for the night. “I’m their coach, after all. I know what’s best for them.”
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