The Black Sheep
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Vol. 24, Issue 9
THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
3/20/14 - 4/2/14
HOW TO GET OUT OF SPRING BREAK DRIVING DUTIES STRAWBERRY SHORTCOCK WROTE THIS If there’s anything more ball-crushing than the fear of leaving Panama City Beach or South Padre with one or two more STDs than you had when you came, it’s gotta be the thought of getting stuck with driving duties the whole time. Maybe you’re the most responsible out of your cohort of drug-doers. Maybe your mom won’t allow anyone else to drive the Donaldson family van. Maybe you’re just a geed. For whatever reason, driving duties inevitably end with the driver wading in a sea of swamp ass, quietly whistling along to Sisqó as the rest of the gang sleeps off their alcohol poisoning in the back seat. Luckily for you, we’ve come up with a couple of fail-proof ways to get out of those wretched spring break driving duties. Blast the Heat on High: The second those bastards nominate you as designated driver, plop your ass down in the front seat and crank up the car heater … all the way to five. If you’re on your way down, say your Honda Civic sauna is in preparation for the beach. If you’re headed back home, you can tell them your sweat cleanse is meant to purify your body before your mom has the chance smell that shit on you. Whatever your excuse, your sweaty torture chamber will get you banned from front seat privileges for the rest of the trip, and you’ll be free to eat Pull N' Peel Twizzlers in the back seat in peace. Exclusively Play Celine Dion’s “It’s All Coming Back to Me Now”: No one—not even you, invited-because-your-dad’s-rich Matt from Acacia— can resist belting along to a classic ballad from the reigning Queen of Quebec. In fact, Celine is singlehandedly responsible for the success of Eighth Grade Dance Night at Joe’s, and our love for her is universal. But if you find yourself stuck frantically searching for the right exit ramp while the rest of your friends play the Harry Potter edition of “Kill, Marry, Fuck,” put on some Celine. Turn up the volume. Blow your speakers. Rinse and repeat. If you’re musically inclined, throw in some harmony. Either way, by the end of the second or third round, someone will step up and take over for you, leaving you to vehemently argue why your choice is fuck Hermione, Luna and Mrs. Weasley all at once. Poop: This one’s easy, kids. All you gotta do is warn your friends that driving makes you really, super-duper nervous. Like, loss-of-control-over-bodilyfunctions nervous. If you’ve got considerate (or just really fucking gullible) friends, this might be all you need to say. If your friends are assholes, and you find yourself stuck driving through Alabama or Indiana, or some other shitty state because it’s “your turn ... Lauren, quit being a little bitch,” well, it’s not like you didn’t warn them. To get out of driving duty, simply poop
in the car. Your friends will probably make you clean it up, and you’re likely to shit stain your favorite pair of pajama pants. On the bright side, though, your friends will banish you to the trunk for the rest of the trip, but that’s the perfect spot to catch up on House of Cards. Besides, it’s not actually spring break until someone shits their pants. Run Over the Drive-Thru Sign on Your Way Out of Champaign: This one’s a little riskier, but it’s probably the surest overall way to avoid driving duties. Before you leave, brag about how good of a driver you are and how much you like road trips. Throw in some fluffy bullshit about how “relaxing and refreshing” you think long drives can be. Your friends, if they’re normal people,
will gladly let you take the reins. Then, at your very first chance, back into a dumpster or blow out a tire, or take out the side-view mirror on a mailbox or run over an infant—you know, something that will inflict minimal damage to the car but will still make you look like a careless driver. You’ll be banned from driving for the rest of the trip, and if you play your cards right, you won’t even be off campus yet. Bonus points if it’s not your car. See? It’s not that difficult. It just involves torture tactics and soiling yourself, but it will all be worth it in the end. If all else fails, take out a loan and buy yourself some roundtrip airfare. Let’s see if they can put you behind the wheel when you’re flying at 36,000 feet!
PAGE 7 GABRIELLA AND HER SWIMSUIT: HITTING ROCK (BIKINI) BOTTOM
PAGE 10 STUDENT GIVES UP JESUS FOR LENT, GOING "PRETTY OKAY"
PAGE 18 PARENTS GO ON SPRING BREAK BECAUSE THEIR SON WON'T
GIRL HAS HEARTFELT TALK WITH OLD FRIEND.
DEVOUT CATHOLIC FEELS MORE FREE WITHOUT THE MAN HOLDING HER DOWN.
DON'T WANT TO SPEND ONE MORE SECOND WITH THEIR LAMEASS KID.
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A man or woman who only discusses negative things. “I don’t want to be a conversatan anymore,” Quinn thought, angrily, “but everyone in this world is so dumb, it just makes everything so stupid.”
Kitty Kat, My little sister is a junior in high school and is spending the weekend with me soon. I want to convince her that U of I is definitely the school she should attend. Have any suggestion of what I can show her? Thanks, Big Sis
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Dear Big Sis, I would start off with everything you thought was cool about U of I your freshman year. For example, frat parties. Make sure you can get her into a lot of those. Let her borrow your leather pants and backless hot pink shirt and bring her out with you. Tell everyone she’s 19 and watch how quick she gets pounced on. I mean, still keep an eye on her, of course. The last thing you want is conception when your parents thought you guys would be staying in your apartment all weekend. But feeling appreciated and attractive by a group of sweaty, 21-year-old guys will definitely make her think that she belongs here. Isn’t that why we all stuck around? Once at the frat party, she’s gotta get pretty smashed. Then just drill it into her brain that this happens every single night—that we’re secretly the number one party school but haven’t officially been recognized for it yet. I bet she’s also considering Iowa, so make sure you get everyone in the house to chant “IOWA SUCKS” as much as possible. It’s lame, but she’ll chime in after she grabs her fifth cup of jungle juice, so she’ll actually believe it. And once she gets a late-night sandwich from Cracked, she won’t be interested in any other excuse for a Big Ten school. When the morning hangover hits, bring her to Merry Ann’s and the ARC around a reasonable 10 a.m. Convince her that all the pretty, skinny girls on the ellipticals did the same thing she did last night but still haven’t lost their figures. This is obviously a lie, but if she thinks she can get the best of both worlds, she’ll be hooked. If all else fails, show her pictures of ISU, that should scare her straight. Later, Kitty Kat
PAGE 5
WARM WEATHER RULES FOR SPRING 2014
After what felt like the longest Midwest winter in the history of ever, Mother Nature has finally blessed us with sunshine and beautifully breezy 50-degree days. Before you head out to tan on the Quad, let us remind you of some proper spring weather etiquette that have probably slipped your mind since this time last year.
KITTY KAT WROTE THIS
Hot Coffee is Out of the Question: Stop right there with your warm and foamy latte, sir. This is Frappuccino season, and you’re violating a major Starbucks law. The inside of your mouth shouldn’t be the same temperature as it is outside. How is that refreshing and worth the $5 bill you just blew on a beverage? Not only is this counterproductive, it makes you look anti-social and stuffy. A dollop of whip cream on top of a chilly Caramel Flan Frappuccino says, “Hey, I know how to have a good time. Wanna go skinny dipping at the Roland pool?”
It’s Still Not Okay to Wear Socks and Sandals: Even though it may feel like the perfect balance between letting loose and keeping your tootsies toasty, it’s hideous and the biggest fashion faux pas since Crocs became a thing. You basically need to pick one or the other—bare feet and sandals or gym shoes and socks. You cannot compromise here. It just won’t work. Never will. It’s time to move on.
You Need to Start Appreciating Baseball… Right Now: There are few things that embody the beauty of spring like attending a baseball game up in Chicago (sorry, Illini baseball doesn’t cut it here). Ignore the fact that beers and hot dogs are a bit overpriced and just indulge yourself in our athletically-challenged MLB teams. You’ll get a nice tan and the opportunity for some cool Instagram pictures and Foursquare check-ins. But no one’s going to want to take you with if you still think “it’s like, the stupidest sport ever,” so fix up that attitude as soon as possible, missy. Don’t Be an Asshole Bike Rider: All you idiots are back out in full force, and us campus walkers are pretty annoyed and terrified. We know you’re really, super pumped to get back on your sick, lime green ten-speed and cruise through the Quad, but please, for the love of the Chief, watch where you’re going. Take a lesson from cars and yield to pedestrians or slow down or something. Just because we’re all looking down at our phones doesn’t mean we’re in the wrong. You’re going way too fast to be safe, and we’re just one misstep away from a two-tire pile-up. Never Let Your Pandora Station Stray From the “Top Country” Station: Oh, so you don’t like country? You will. It’ll grow on you; it always does. And there’s no better partner for day drinking than the latest Luke Bryan album. Plus, it’s scientifically proven to attract ladies in Daisy Dukes and crop top flannels. Heavy metal and rap is meant for the dark days, and bubblegum pop is only good if it’s One Direction. Play it safe and keep the tunes focused on driving trucks and sippin’ on momma’s sweet tea. And the biggest, most important rule of all is to never, ever bitch about this gorgeous new weather, because before you know it we’ll be spiraling back into another polar vortex. And that would, like, totally suck.
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STUDENT PRETTY HAPPY
ABOUT ONLY CONTRACTING GONORRHEA OVER SPRING BREAK Spring Breaker Says Only Eating Saltines for Two Weeks Was “Totally Worth It” Dan Mirabelli wrote this Two we e k s a g o, w h e n sophomore Kaila Dithery tried on her bikini, the results were disastrous. “I looked heinous,” Dither y said, thoroughly embarrassed. “I knew I only had two weeks until everyone saw me in it, and I had a pouch on my belly like a damn kangaroo.” Dithery knew that she had to do something drastic. She decided she would restrict her diet to only saltines and a bit of water when necessary. “It was totally worth it,” Dithery raved as she held smelling salts under her nose. “I’ve missed feeling full, but I lost the pouch, and I look smokin’ in my bikini.”
Despite appearances, the diet was more not than hot. “I’m always really sleepy, and I even passed out a few times in class,” admitted Dithery. Luckily Dithery was seated when she fell unconscious, but has come much closer to injuring herself when random dizzy spells strike. “I can usually make it to a couch or chair when I start to feel lightheaded,” Dithery explained. “The past couple of days, it has been hard to get anywhere without feeling like I’ll faint. I usually stop and rest every other block on my way to class.” Surprisingly Dithery says the
diet wasn’t hard to stick to. “One day when I was feeling naughty, I snuck in a couple celery sticks. But other than that I didn’t cheat at all,” she said with a smirk. Although Dithery’s diet resulted in her losing her belly, it's not recommended that others follow her diet for a variety of health and safety reasons, as stated by McKinley Health Center. Even after hearing from health officials that she has possibly caused permanent damage to her body, Dithery has no regrets, mostly because “that bitch Ashley is gonna look so fat next to [me] when [we] take pictures on the beach.”
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Dan Mirabelli wrote this Junior Travis Weller only got gonorrhea over spring break, and he’s pretty happy about it. After spending a week on South Padre Island in Texas, Weller successfully avoided all other STDs, a feat his fraternity brothers didn’t believe was possible. “To be honest, I was prepared for gonorrhea, crabs and the clap, but to find out I only got gonorrhea is such a relief. Big weight off my shoulders,” sighed Weller. To many students, a statement like this may be shocking. But for Weller, it’s just another day in the life. “I’m amazed that he just got gonorrhea. I mean, you should’ve seen the girls he was hooking up with down there,” commented Jeff Taft, the only one of Weller’s friends who wasn’t impressed by his lack of contracting multiple STDs. “You wanna talk about ratchets? One of the girls he took back to his place had a tribal tramp stamp, tongue ring and dreadlocks. Dreadlocks! It was sick!” While many people would be
embarrassed for others to know that they have an STD, Weller is quite impressed with himself. “There’re 25 STDs in existence, and I expertly dodged 24 of them by sparingly using a condom and spraying Lysol on my Johnson,” boasted Weller. “When you look at the ratio of how many STDs I received and how many I didn’t, it’s really quite remarkable.” Many of Weller’s acquaintances believe that only getting one STD is evidence of how much of a gogetter and class act he is. “Leaving
Padre with only one STD? That deserves respect, and believe me when I say that if anyone could pull that off it's Weller,” said Billy Remsen. However, some of Weller’s other brothers attributed his low STD tally to him “being a prude.” While Weller is impressed with his accomplishments, he has big plans for his senior spring break. “I’ve decided that I’m going for the trifecta senior year,”Weller proudly said. “Hep A, B and C. What the hell, it’ll be senior year!”
PAGE 7
GABRIELLA AND HER SWIMSUIT: HITTING ROCK (BIKINI) BOTTOM WINNIE BAGO WROTE THIS Her swimsuit sat on the bed looking ashamed of itself. It tried not to say anything, just taking in the harsh words she threw at it. Gabriella had enough. This bathing suit season, she decided to have a talk with her swimsuit, woman-to-fabric. She sat on her bed with the swimsuit, holding on to one of its spaghetti straps. “If we’re going to keep going at this thing, there need to be some changes,” she said. Her swimsuit nodded in response, wrapping its string tighter around her hand, the other string rubbing her back. “I’m tired of the way you make me feel,” Gabriella continued. “When I’m around you, I feel so insecure. I wrap my arms around my stomach, shutting the world out. You don’t make me feel like I can live up to my potential.”
Another teardrop fell from the bra pad, the swimsuit struggling to keep its elasticity. “Even my mom said she’s noticed a difference in me. She’s mentioned that I seem quieter at the family pool parties. I hide in a children’s inner tube all day, refusing to eat the hot dogs on the grill. It’s starting to affect my relationship with my family, and that’s not okay, Bikini.” The swimsuit rolled its eyes. It never did like Gabriella’s mom. “Before, I told myself that it’s not you, it’s me. I’ve come to realize that’s just not true. It is you. You are the cause of my unhappiness. You guilt me into working out, and you know how much I don’t like running.”
A single teardrop fell from the swimsuit’s insert bra pad.
The swimsuit used its bottoms to dab its bra pads, the tears uncontrollable now.
“I always have such high hope that things will change–that things will get better— but they never do. Every time you let me down. It makes me look like a fool.”
“I don’t want things to be over between us. I just need some changes. So, I guess this is an ultimatum. I’m sorry,” Gabriella said, having to turn away from the swim-
suit’s glance to finish her sentence without choking up. She bit her knuckle, trying to hold in the tears and stay strong. The swimsuit gripped her hand tighter once again, directing her gaze towards the mirror. “I don’t know if that’s such a good idea,” Gabriella responded. The swimsuit didn’t let go of her hand. “I guess you’re right. It’s worth a shot.” Gabriella got off her bed, stripped down, and put the swimsuit on. It was time they addressed the issue head-on. She stared at herself in front of her floorlength mirror. It wasn’t just the fact that she left on her socks that made it look awful. Her hands directly went to her pouch. She simultaneously tried to suck it in and pull her bikini bottoms up to cover it. When she did that, the swimsuit raised, revealing she hadn’t landscaped her nether regions in months. She turned around to check out the back.
Her cellulite exploded out the back of the bikini. She tugged the bottoms down a bit. When she did, her muffin top flopped out along the waistline. She turned back around, looking at her front side again. Her boobs bulged out the sides by her armpits. When she tried to shift the top to cover up the bulge, her nipples popped out, quickly turning her beach getup into something better left in the bedroom, or on a European nude beach where being slightly naked is optional.
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That was the last straw. She tore off the bikini, threw it on her bed, and put her sweatpants and hoodie back on. “I can’t take this anymore!” she screamed. She snatched up the bikini, ripping and shredding it with her hands and teeth. When she saw the bikini on the floor in pieces, she felt relief flood over her. She had won. She turned to leave her room. As she entered the hallway, she yelled, “Mom, let’s go shopping! I need a new swimsuit.”
PAGE 8
ILLINI ADVANCE TO NIT
ON ABRAMS' BUZZER BEATER JUPITER STEVENS WROTE THIS Illinois guard Tracy Abrams capped off a thrilling second-half comeback with a shot at the buzzer, sealing the team's trip to the NIT Tournament. “I was scared I put too much into it,” Abrams said after the game. “You never know with those shots. You practice them your whole life, but when it comes down to the wire like that, sometimes it's hard to make the easy play.” The experienced junior said he couldn't believe how wide-open the lane was after receiving the inbound pass. Abrams admitted he was a bit dumbfounded when Michigan defenders backed away from him as he drove the basket with the game-winning shot in his hands. “My eyes just lit up,” Abrams said. “It's literally impossible to miss a shot from that close, so when I started to drive the lane and the defense just let me walk right in, I think everyone in the building knew there was no possible way the ball wouldn't go in the net.” Michigan head coach Joe Beilein told reporters after the game that he and his coaching staff knew exactly what they were doing. “To be completely honest, we looked at Illinois' statistics this season and figured we'd just give them an open shot,” Beilein said. “Based
on the program's history, it was likely they'd shoot themselves in the foot.” The outcome to the dramatic game was enough to guarantee Illinois a trip to their fifth NIT Tournament in program history. Illini head coach John Groce was nearly speechless after the game. “I can't even describe how I feel right now,” Groce said. “Can you believe we're in the NIT? After all that? Amazing. Just amazing.” Illini guard Rayvonte Rice, who led the Illini to a thunderous comeback late in the second half, was seen with tears in his eyes from the emotional toll of the conference tournament game. “Abrams is a great player,” Rice said. “One of the best I've ever played with. He makes that shot 100 times out of 100, but when you see him go up for a virtually uncontested chance at the buzzer like that, it's ... it's just indescribable.” The red shirt junior admitted he wasn't surprised with Abrams' shot at the buzzer, though. “I mean, everyone kind of felt a moment like that coming all season,” Rice said. “You can't just play an entire season the way we have and expect that game to end any other way.” Abrams was visibly stunned after the game-ending
play that sent the Illini soaring into the NIT Tournament, as fans across the University of Illinois campus were equally in shock after the shot. “I just had all these flashbacks to Tyler Griffey's buzzer beater against Indiana last year,” said one fan outside of Legend's. “It was almost identical. Almost.”
After hearing the final buzzer and seeing fans reactions around the arena, Abrams said he knew he was instantly a part of Illini basketball history. “I just couldn't believe it,” Abrams said. “I've played so many games of basketball throughout my life and I can't honestly recall a better opportunity to score. I don't want to take all the credit for us making the NIT, though. It was truly a team effort all season long.”
CURRENT EVENTS
THE
TOP
TEN
IDEAS FOR “SPRING BREAK” BRIAN BARSOTTI WROTE THIS
Every year, millions of college kids take part in the week-long excitement known as “spring break.” Well, here at The Black Sheep, we’re hip to what the kids are into these days, and we want in on the action. That’s why we’ve compiled a list of the top 10 greatest ideas for your spring break. If you haven’t thought of any spring break plans yet and you’re scrambling for something to do, consider one of the following suggestions: 10.) Compress a spring beyond its breaking point: One way to break a spring is to push it past its elastic limit. Hooke’s Law states that the force acting upon a spring is proportional to the distance it’s compressed, and with enough force, any spring will break. Sounds great!
CANCUN! SPRING BREAK!
OH YEAH! AARON NICEBOY WROTE THIS
Jessica Butlicher, junior and chemistry major at Penn State University, said she recently interned at Eli Lilly, a prominent pharmaceutical company located in Indianapolis. When questioned about her opinions regarding allegations of doctors being on the payrolls of pharmaceutical companies Butlicher said, “Woo! Spring break!” Butlicher’s views were shared by most of her colleagues gathered around the corner booth of El Tequila, a meeting point for young scholars. Michael Carmichael, senior and business major at the University of Michigan concurred with Butlicher, going on the record saying, “Party all day and all night! Get shitty in the club! Who needs another shot?” However, in the spirit of lively intellectual debate, not all parties involved agreed with Butlicher and Carmichael’s stance. Maegan Goatsmeler, senior and communications major at Clemson University, had plenty to refute Butlicher and Carmichael’s claims. “Shit girl, this is my jam!” Goatsmeler said to the surprise of both Butlicher and Carmichael. The group maturely agreed to disagree and were last seen doing body shots together at the front bar of the same establishment. Of course, discussion at this meeting of the minds has not been limited to the hard sciences. Another intellectually stimulating topic is the current political landscape. We sparked up a discussion of the current situation in Crimea with Franklin Pupyshets, sophomore and advertising major at Rutgers University, and John Meowkovitz, sophomore and psychology major at Ohio State University. “Fuck, man,” Pupyshets said. “All I care about is that pussy.” Meowkovitz agreed with Pupyshets’ sentiment wholeheartedly but responded that he did not agree with Pupyshets’ choice of vernacular.
“Dat poon, you mean!” Meowkovitz said respectfully. From there, the topic moved over to a heated discussion on the Affordable Care Act, known to many as Obamacare. “You don’t think Barack’s up in Michelle’s vajangajang every night?” Meowkovitz asked Pupyshets during the tenacious argument. “All I know is I’d hit it and quit it Bill Clinton style,” Pupyshets responded while thrusting the open air with his pelvis. The two were later seen together passed out on the beach in a firm but gentle embrace.
9.) Snap a rubber band: Rubber bands are a type of spring whose potential energy increases when stretched. Too much stored energy will cause a rubber band to snap, and when that happens, hilarity is certain to ensue. Yikes! 8.) Jump up and down on a trampoline with a lot of people: Trampolines consist of dozens of springs – each of which helps to support the weight of those who jump up and down on it. You can break these springs if you jump on a trampoline with more than the recommended number of people. It helps if you have heavy friends. Be safe, though! 7.) Tangle a Slinky: Everybody knows that Slinkys are the shit, but perhaps their biggest flaw is their tendency to get tangled. This phenomenon renders them unusable and brings tears to children everywhere. So play with a Slinky for a while, and sooner or later, it’ll break on its own and the fun will be over. 6.) Light a spring on fire: That’s always one way to break it! 5.) Detonate a landmine: Pressure-activated landmines rely on sensitive springs for their initiation mechanism - one wrong step will compress a spring and trigger the mine. The resulting explosion will destroy a lot of things, including the spring that started it all. 4.) Unwind a spring: You can simply twist a spring and straighten it out into a long, thin rod. That one technically counts, although that’s not so much “breaking” the spring, as it is turning it into something else.
While we haven’t been able to procure a physical copy of the schedule of events for the week, we’ve concluded that the series of panels likely involved: “Monday: Rage, Tuesday: Rage, Wednesday: Rage, Thursday: Rage, Friday: Rage.” Cancun‘s spring break has not been all work and no play, however. The young students have been encouraged to mingle and meet new people to forge friendships that will last well beyond their stay in Cancun for a strong network of connections suitable for any postundergraduate. “So, you like muscles?” Alan Smelly said to Amy Wineguzzles at a meet-and-greet in L’alcohol, a French-themed restaurant and bar. “I just like to party!” Wineguzzles responded. “Spring break 2014, no regrets!” After this analytical commentary, the restaurant erupted in agreement chanting “Spring break! Spring break! Spring break!” for the ensuing 25 minutes. Wineguzzles was later spotted being tested for chlamydia at a local health clinic. Smelly was found knuckle-deep in a mentally engaging conversation with another female cohort.
3.) Jump up and down on a mattress with a lot of people: It’s just like the trampoline one, but comfier!
At press time, the party was still bumpin’ through dawn, and the faculties based at these prestigious universities across the country are anxiously anticipating the conclusive results by the end of the Cancun summit.
1.) Find the nearest spring, place it on a table, take out a hammer, and smash it over and over and over again: It’s not the most sophisticated way to break a spring, sure. But it’s definitely the most cathartic, the most enjoyable, and the most satisfying. In the end, isn’t that what spring break is all about – having a good time?
2.) Get into a car accident: Springs are used as shock absorbers in most vehicles. When you get into a collision of any sort, they compensate for much of the external force acting on your car. Thus, if you drive wildly enough, you’re sure to break at least a couple of springs.
PAGE 10
STUDENT WHO GAVE UP JESUS FOR LENT SAYS IT’S GOING “PRETTY OKAY, ACTUALLY” RIMA PARIKH WROTE THIS Midway through Lent, junior Stella McGivern is “doing fine,” as she works through her decision to give up Jesus for Lent. After contemplating between whether to give up checking her Yahoo Shine horoscope or not, she decided to make the ultimate sacrifice: giving up Jesus. Being a lifelong Catholic, this was initially a giant change for her; however, she has allegedly been doing “just fine, totally” and that her life has been “exponentially better than how it was with Jesus.” Her heritage goes back to medieval Ireland, where her Catholic roots originated. “My family’s been devoutly Catholic since forever, like back when people used to shit in buckets and stuff,” she explained. “We’ve always been especially serious about Lent—we celebrate it every month.” Thus far, McGivern has participated in 263 months of Lent, beginning from when she was a fetus. She was beginning to run out of things to give up, as chocolate, reality TV and three of her six toes are all out of the question. McGivern rationalized her decision to drop Jesus, saying: “I wanted
to give up something that was significant to me, just to show how committed I am to this thing. Also, I need to know which Arab Spring dictator I am, so giving up Buzzfeed quizzes won’t be possible at this time.”
"She has reportedly found this to be absolutely freeing, revealing that 'being a good Samaritan kinda sucked.'” As an alternative to her Christian faith, she first dabbled in Scientology; however, after reminding herself that you had to make at least $3 million per year to be a Scientologist, she ended up switching to full-blown atheism. She has reportedly found this to be absolutely freeing, revealing that “being a good Samaritan kinda sucked.”
“I think she’s having a little too much fun with this,” commented Remus McGivern, her father. “She keeps saying things like, ‘We shouldn’t be hampered by traditional notions of religion,’ and ‘Where was God when Grandma fell into that industrial furnace, huh?’ We didn’t raise her to be this demon-child without values.” “I’ve just been stressing the importance of the individual and our independent choices,” she responded defiantly. “You don’t need a higher power to tell you how to live your life. So far, I’ve gotten like, six abortions in the past couple of weeks. It’s been awesome!” She then proceeded to steal a Twix bar from a small child, which was like, so atheist of her. Luckily, we were able to get a word from The Man himself, Jesus Christ. When McGivern’s name was brought up, He rolled his eyes. “Whatever. Let’s be honest, it isn’t much of a loss now, is it? She used to be okay, but like a week ago, I saw her taking Jell-O shots in a public restroom. Her life’s clearly
going downhill without Me, but it’s her choice. I don’t want to be involved with that hot mess. Anyway, I’m going to go deal with Syria now or something,” Jesus said. “The devil can take that bitch, like honestly.” Pope Francis stepped in, claiming that “He didn’t really mean that, now did you, babe?” According to bystanders, he alleg-
edly shot a furtive glance to Christ, whispering something about “how we have like, five fucking followers right now, so like, let’s not talk shit about them, okay?” According to McGivern, this has been the most liberating experience of her life; she plans to stay atheist. As part of her spiritual journey, she hopes to tackle radical feminism in the near future.
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The Bar Grid Page 2 of 3 SATURDAY! Thunderstruck, $5, 10pm w/ Acme Principle and Lonely Trailer
Sunday, March 23rd BLACKHAWKS WATCH PARTY! Blackhawks vs Predators 6pm This Game is Not on Local TV! Only Watch it Here!
Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas
NIT Tournament-Round 1 ILLINI vs Boston U 6pm Blackhawks vs. Blues 7pm Get the BRAND NEW SHAMROCK MUG!
Airacobra, $5, 9:30pm w/ Daemon Weed and Eminent Slaughter
SPRING BROKE! Watch the NCAA Tournament All Day! $1 Redds Apple Ale Drafts $1 Leinie Orange Shandy Drafts $2 WELLS, NO COVER!
CHICAGO FARMER with JAIK WILLIS
Open at 5pm $3 Captain Morgan $3 Bud Light Tallboys $3 Monster Energy Vodka's $5 PATRON SHOTS
Sun Stereo, $5, 10pm w/ A Cool Hand
Watch the NCAA Tournament All Day! $3.99 Haus Fries, $6 Bud Light 40's, $3 Captain Morgan $3 Jim Beam
ODE VINTER and much more! !METAL!
$3 Jim Beam $3 Three Olives $3 Cuervo $3 Rum Chata
Thunderstruck, $5, 10pm w/ Acme Principle and Lonely Trailer
Sunday, March 23rd BLACKHAWKS WATCH PARTY! Blackhawks vs Predators 6pm This Game is Not on Local TV! Only Watch it Here!
Big Dave's Trivia Night FREE, 7:30PM! $1 Miller High Life Drafts, $2 Miller Lite Drafts, $2 Jameson Shots $5 Red Bull Vodkas, $5 Nacho
WELCOME BACK NCAA Elite 8 Watch all the Games Here! $2 ANYTHING SUNDAYS!
April 2nd: WPGU & Clybourne.... FRATTLE OF THE DJ's!
SPECIAL NIGHT
Every Day in March $4 Irish Car Bombs $3 Cap N Coke
Thursday Night's Show WICK-IT THE INSTIGATOR with TRINKETZ, ADAMOSITY and More!
Round 3 - Winning DJ goes to the Finals To Compete for $1000 CASH & $1000 Party Rental for their House!
Wednesday 3/19
Wing Night! $0.25 Wings $1.50 High Life, $2 Flavored LITs, $2 Jager Bombs
Argentinian Music Showcase featuring POMMEZ INTERNACIONAL, PHONALEX and More!
FRATTLE OF THE DJ's RETURNS AFTER BREAK! on Wednesday, April 3rd $2 Two Gingers Irish Whiskey
Thursday 3/20
$1 Wells, $2 UV Vodka Drinks $2 Fireball, $2 PBR 16oz Tall Boys, $3 Long Islands, $5 Domestic Pitchers
WICK-IT THE INSTIGATOR with TRINKETZ, ADAMOSITY and More!
FIREBOMB THURSDAYS! $1 FIREBALL $3 Jager Bombs $3 Vegas Bombs $4 ICE BOMBS
Friday 3/21
$2 Jager Bombs & $2 Wells, $2.50 Miller Lt/Coors Lt, $3 Three Olives Mixers, $3 3O Premium LITs, $3 Hot Shots, $7 Domestic Pitchers, $1 Cherry Bombs & O Bombs
Saturday 3/22
$2 Jager Bombs & $2 Wells, $2.50 Miller Lt/Coors Lt, $3 Bacardi Mixers, $3 Hot Shots, $7 Pitchers $1 Cherry Bombs & O Bombs
Sunday 3/30
Closed
Closed
Book your Next Party at Clybourne! Contact us at CochraneParty@gmail.com or call 217-722-9000
Monday 3/31
Mason Jar Monday! $2 Double Wells, $2 Buweiser & Bud Light Drafts, $5 Budweiser & Bud Light Pitchers
MONDAY NIGHT HOUSE PARTY! $1 Drink Specials! $2 Manolos Pizza specials! Live local bands each week!
$1 U CALL ITS $2 Voli Premium Vodka
Book Your Next Event Here! Email us for more info info@cowboy-monkey.com
OPENING DAY at Firehaus! Cubs vs Pirates Noon WIN CUBS TICKETS Sox vs Twins 3pm WIN SOX TICKETS!
Tuesday 4/1
$2 Wells, $2 Domestic Drafts $2 Craft Drafts* *Not all Beers included $2 Shot of the Week
$2 Real Long Islands! CAMPUS COMEDY SHOWCASE: Early! Live comedy from some of CU's funniest! THE PIANO MAN: Late! Playing all your favorites!
$8 Bottles of Wine $8 Bottles of Champagne $2 Bud Light Bottles $2 Wells
Open Mic Night - Free! Sign-Up Starts at 9:30pm $1 Off All Drafts $3 Jameson Shots
TIME WARP TUESDAYS! $2.99 Cheeseburgers 4-10pm $2 WELLS, $2 Hot Stuff & Soco HALF PRICE SHARKBOWLS! Blackhawks vs Flyers 8:30pm
Wednesday 4/2
Wing Night! $0.25 Wings $1.50 High Life, $2 Flavored LITs, $2 Jager Bombs
ONE NIGHT STAND COLLEGE TOUR with HEROES X VILLAINS, TROPKILLAZ and ZEBO
Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas
Bud Mug Night! You Keep the 25oz Glass Mug Special! Last Chance to Get the Mug! $1 SHOTS, $3.99 Buffalo Chicken 4-10pm, $2 Sailor Jerry
WPGU & Clybourne.... FRATTLE OF THE DJ's!
Round 3 - Winning DJ goes to the Finals To Compete for $1000 CASH & $1000 Party Rental for their House!
He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games than you could ever play.
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The Bar Grid Page 2 of 3 DOWNTOWN
THURSDAY! NCAA Basketball Tourney: Open at 11am! $2 Lite/Coors Lt Bottles, $3 Blue Guys, KlubKam’s DJ “Critical Condition” 10pm
SPECIAL NIGHT
EVERY DAY! $4 Fireball Shots $4 StrawBerRitas
Risque Thursday! $3 Imports, $5 Long Islands, $5 Sex on the Beach
WEDNESDAY! $2 Redd's $3 Redd Devils, $2 Fireball
FRI/SAT: $10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm
Wednesday 3/19
$2.50 Red Stripe, $3 Jack Daniels, $3 Bacardi Redbull
Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!
$2 Redd's $3 Redd Devils $2 Fireball
GREEK NIGHT! Wear Your Letters, Get a Small Pizza for $1! Half Off Drafts! (Except Miller High Life) $1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells, $2 Imports
Thursday 3/20
$3 Drafts, $4 White Russians, $4 RumChata Colada
Risque Thursday! $3 Imports, $5 Long Islands, $5 Sex on the Beach
$2 Bud Light (Drafts) $2 Captain $2 Jager Bombs
$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors
NCAA Basketball Tourney: Open at 11am! $2 Lite/Coors Lt Bottles, $3 Blue Guys KlubKam’s DJ “Critical Condition” 10pm
Friday 3/21
$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy, $5 Jagerbombs
DJ Delayney at 10pm, $4 Double Wells, Free Before 10:30 w/ Student ID
$6 Shandy Pitchers (Orange, Lemon Berry, Summer) $3 Jim Beam, $3 Pinnacle
$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm
NCAA Basketball Tourney: Open at 11am! $1.75 Lite 16oz Cans, $3 Jim Beam & Stag
Saturday 3/22
Watch the Big 10 Tourney Here!
De Noche! Free Salsa Dance Class at 9pm, Dancing til 2am! $6 Beer + Shot Combo, $3 Select Beers, $3 Rum + Cola
$6 Lunchbox Pitchers $3 Bacardi $3 American Harvest
$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm
Closed. Happy Spring Break!
Sunday 3/30
$5 Nachos, $6 Wings, $4 Bloody Marys, $5 Pitchers of Miller and Bud Light, $3 Vodka Redbull
Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gamil.com
$11 Build Your Own Bucket (BYOB), $2 Jager Bombs $2 Don Q and Blackbeard
$2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells, $5 Personal Pizzas with 2 Toppings $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders
Welcome Back Party! $2 U Call It Wells, Drafts, Crafts & Bottles
Monday 3/31
$2 Bud Light and Miller Lite Drafts, $3 Jameson, 1/2 off Apps after 8pm
Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gamil.com
MNJ! $2 Bud Platinum Bottles $2 Smirnoff Drinks/Shots $3 RBV with Smirnoff
$1.50 High Life Drafts! $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders
$2 U Call It Wells, Drafts, Crafts & Bottles
Tuesday 4/1
$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells
Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gamil.com
Tequila Tuesday and 8th Grade Dance! $2 Blue Moon $2 Cuervo featuring Cinge All 90s, All Night!
1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)
Country Night! $1 Coors & Coors Lt Bottles, $2 Bourbons, $3 Blue Guys
Wednesday 4/2
$2.50 Red Stripe, $3 Jack Daniels, $3 Bacardi Redbull
Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!
$2 Redd's $3 Redd Devils $2 Fireball
GREEK NIGHT! Wear Your Letters, Get a Small Pizza for $1! Half Off Drafts! (Except Miller High Life) $1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells, $2 Imports
ULTIMATE DOORMAN
BATTLE OF THE BARTENDERS $3 3-OLIVES Drinks Bud Shootout Shoot to Win Prizes and Vegas Trip! $1.50 Bud & Bud Lt. Bottles
Frattle of the DJ’s Week #1 Over $2,500 in Cash & Prizes $1.50 Bud & Bud Lt Bottles $5 Rita Pitchers $3 3 Olive Blue Guys
If you don’t start following us... YOU WON’T KNOW WHAT’S SO DAMN FUNNY.
@BLACKSHEEP_UIUC Scan to go right to the page! The Bar Grid Page 3 of 3 Thirsty Thursday! $2 All Domestic Beers, $2 All Well Drinks
Open all Spring Break 11am - 2am
SUNDAY 3/30: WELCOME BACK PARTY! Both Beer Gardens are Open!
FRIDAY! $4 High Life Pitchers, $2 U Call it
MONDAY! 1/2 Off Burgers! $1 Wells, Domestic Drafts and Shots
SPECIAL NIGHT
$2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles
Logo Mug Night! Smithwick's Ale $2.50 Sailor Jerry Singles $5 Pinnacle and 2 Ginger Irish Whiskey Doubles, $2.50 Orchata and Fireball, $6 PBR and Hamm's Pitchers, $4 Jager Bombs
BUCKET NIGHT! $3 Natty Light Pitchers $4 Pinnacle Vodka Buckets $4 Cruzan Rum Buckets $2 Rum Chata Shots
$4 High Life Pitchers $2 U Call It $3 Jager and Vegas Bombs $4 Car Bombs
$0.50 Jumbo Wings, $1 Tenders, $7.50 Rum & Cola Pitchers, $7.50 Miller & Coors Pitchers, $2 Fireball and Doctor Karaoke Night w/ DJ Outlaw!
Wednesday 3/19
Thirsty Thursday! $2 All Domestic Beers, $2 All Well Drinks
$2.50 Blue Moon, Green Line, Rebel IPA, 312, Lagunitas Pints, $2.50 Red Stripe, Corona, Left Hand Stout, Heineken, Smirnoff Ice Bottles, $2.50 Bacardi and Malibu Singles, $5 Jameson Doubles, $4 Murphy's Pub Bomb
SHACKER NIGHT! $5 SHACKERS with Monster Energy, $2 UV Vodka $2 Hot Stuff Shots $3 Bud Light Bottles
Burger Night! $1 Burgers 8pm - Midnight $4 High Life Pitchers, $2 U Call it, $2 Soco Lime
1/2 off Sandwiches after 4pm Das Boot! $3 Boot, $5 Fill All Drafts (except Guinness) $3 Jim, Jack and Soco, $2 Horse-Chata
Thursday 3/20
BIG FRIDAY! No Cover Charge
$3 Sam Adams Family Pints $2.50 Wild Turkey Singles $5 Skyy Doubles, $2.50 Jose Cuervo and Blackbeard Shots, $4 Jager Bombs
$1 FRATTY NATTY BOTTLES $1 BURNETTS VODKA $3 JAGER BOMBS $3 VEGAS BOMBS
$4 High Life Pitchers, $2 U Call it
1/2 off German Sausage Meals after 4pm $2.50 Coronas $3.50 Bacardi Flavors
Friday 3/21
SOLO CUP SATURDAY! No Cover Charge
$2.50 Jameson Singles $5 Bacardi and Malibu Doubles $2.50 Jose Cuervo Shots $4 Jager Bombs
$2 Long Islands
$2 U Call It $4 Pitchers
$3 Captain and Crown! Captain Morgan Girls 11:30-1AM
Saturday 3/22
Sunday Funday! $3 All Drafts
Trivia Starts @ 10pm! $2.50 Blue Moon, Green Line, Rebel IPA, 312, Lagunitas Pints $2.50 Red Stripe, Corona, Left Hand Stout, Heineken, Smirnoff Ice Bottles, $2.50 Orchata and Dr McGillicuddy, $6 PBR and Hamm's Pitchers, $4 Murphy's Pub Bomb
WELCOME BACK PARTY! Both Beer Gardens are Open!
Closed Eat some chicken strips at Papa D's!
11am - 3pm: Rehab Breakfast $3 Bloody Mary's, $1 Domestics & Wells
Sunday 3/30
"Beer Lovers Night" $2 All Domestics $3.50 All Imports
Bar Bingo Starts @ 10pm $3 Blue Moon and Angry Orchard Pints, $2.50 Pinnacle and 2 Ginger Irish Whiskey Singles, $5 Sailor Jerry Doubles, $2.50 Jose Cuervo Shots
Monday Night Lion $1 WELLS, $2 Sailor Jerry $3 MEV's (Monster Energy & Vodka)
$3 High Life Pitchers $1 U Call It $0.50 Pizza Slices (8pm - 12am)
1/2 Off Burgers! $1 Wells, Domestic Drafts and Shots
Monday 3/31
$2.50 Domestic Drafts $3.50 All Other Drafts
$4 Guinness, Smithwicks and Triptych Pints, $2.50 Blackbeard Rum and Jim Beam Singles, $2.50 Fireball and Orchata, $2 Old Style, PBR, Schlitz, Miller Lite Tall Boys
SENIOR NIGHT! Must be 21 to Enter! $2 Long Islands
$4 High Life Pitchers $1 U Call It $1 Chicken Strips (8pm -12am)
$1 Tacos ALL DAY! $4 Bacardi Buckets $2 Drafts
Tuesday 4/1
$2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles
Logo Mug Night! 45th Anniversary $2.50 Sailor Jerry Singles $5 Pinnacle and 2 Ginger Irish Whiskey Doubles, $2.50 Orchata and Fireball, $6 PBR and Hamm's Pitchers, $4 Jager Bombs
BBUCKET NIGHT! $3 Natty Light Pitchers $4 Pinnacle Vodka Buckets $4 Cruzan Rum Buckets $2 Rum Chata Shots
$4 High Life Pitchers $2 U Call It $3 Jager and Vegas Bombs $4 Car Bombs
$0.50 Jumbo Wings, $1 Tenders, $7.50 Rum & Cola Pitchers, $7.50 Miller & Coors Pitchers, $2 Fireball and Doctor Karaoke Night w/ DJ Outlaw!
Wednesday 4/2
AROUND CAMPUS SEND US YOUR PARTY PICS TO PICS@THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
ON THE STREETS
WHAT ARE YOU THE PATRON SAINT OF? Mack, Sophomore
“Blacking out and watching Space Jam.”
Alex, Freshman
“Cashiers knowing me at Taco Bell.”
Sam, Senior
“D.P. Dough.”
BARTENDERS of the WEEK
FERRIN of Joe's Brewery
Relationship Status: Single Major: Tom Favorite Drink: John Daly Favorite Shot: On her back Disgusting Drink: A White Russian with milk from a pierced nipple How often do you have to deal with nudity as part of your job?: Pretty regularly. Lots of poop in places there shouldn’t be. Too much ass or not enough ass, I’m not sure. Like, what trends do you expect to be totes fetch this spring?: Titties, $, drugs. Who is the best drunk in media history? Why?: Gary Busey. He was Charlie Sheen before Charlie Sheen. What do you want to be when you grow up?: A bratwurst vendor. The winner of this year’s NCAA Tournament is…: The Seattle Supersonics What’s the most sensuous thing about the lost art of sensuality?: PIITB (Putting it in the Butt) What’s your favorite sex position?: PIITB duh! Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because The DI sucks.
JESSICA KOZAK of White Horse Inn
Relationship Status: Taken Major: Ag. Ed. Favorite Drink: Anything with whiskey Favorite Shot: Tequila How often do you have to deal with nudity as part of your job?: Well, my nickname is Naked Girl… What’s the best go-to dance move and why?: Twerking for Jesus. Why? Why not! Like, what trends do you expect to be totes fetch this spring?: Well, I’m no fashionista… Who is the best drunk in media history? Why?: Red Lion Poop Girl What do you want to be when you grow up?: A horse whisperer The winner of this year’s NCAA Tournament is…: Parkland…? What’s the most sensuous thing about the lost art of sensuality?: Buttsex What’s your favorite sex position?: Reverse cowgirl Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Well, there’s really no reason not to…?
RECIPE for DISASTER
DRINKING GAME Finger Bowl
Ramen Fried Rice
Drinking games are usually based on skill, which is why, Jesus Christ, Arnold, hit the f***ing cup once in a while, man! Finally we get to share a game based on luck, meaning finally, Arnold, we can mitigate your overall awfulness.
Listen, we know you’re in college and living cheap. If you’re sick of eating at the same Chinese joint that failed its past 11 health inspections or if you’re just too hungover to walk over there, then check out our recipe for Ramen Fried Rice.
What You’ll Need: 1 bowl, different types of alcohol and some fingers. Number of Players: As many that can fit around a table. Level of Intoxication: One person could puke pretty fast, that’s for sure.
What You’ll Need: 1 package of oriental ramen noodles, 1/2 cup peas, 2 eggs, 1 teaspoon sesame oil, 1 pinch white pepper, 1 tablespoon peanut oil, 4 green onions (finely chopped), 1 teaspoon chopped garlic and 1/2-1 cup chopped chicken Cook Time: About five minutes Risk of Self-Induced Food Poisoning: HIGH
How to Play: - Get a bowl and place it in the center of a table. - Everyone should pour some of their alcohol into the bowl. The drinks can be anything—beer, tequila, a rum and Coke, whatever. You can put as much or as little as you want in there as well. - Everyone stands around the table and places one finger on the lip of the bowl. So if there are five people playing, there should be five fingers on the bowl (duh). - All players close their eyes. - One person counts to three. At the count of one, decided whether or not to remove your finger from the bowl. - After he says “three,” everyone shouts out how many fingers they think will remain on the bowl. - Each person needs to account for the number the person to their right announces. - For example, the counter shouts, “one, two, three!” and you say “six,” if there are six fingers left on the bowl, you are out and can sit off to the side until the game is done. - The counter can vary the pace they say the numbers to mess people up when trying to pull their fingers away. - The last person standing has to drink the mixture in the bowl. The Game Ends When: There’s vomit in the bowl, because there probably will be.
DOWNLOAD OUR FREE APP FOR ALL THE GAMES!
Let’s Get Baked: - Break the noodles into about six pieces in a bowl, sprinkle with the contents of the seasoning packet and pour boiling water over to cover. - Stir a bit and let soak while you prepare the rest of the recipe. - Rinse peas with hot water in a colander to defrost. - Mix together the eggs, sesame oil, and pepper and set aside. - Heat skillet and add oil. - Add garlic and green onions, stir-fry for 30 seconds. - Add optional meat and peas and stir fry until hot, about one minute. - Drain the noodles well, add to the skillet and stir-fry for another two minutes, stirring constantly. - Stir in the soy sauce. - Pour the eggs into the skillet and continue to cook and stir until the eggs are cooked. - Serve If your stomach doesn’t feel like it’s swimming in acid 15 minutes after eating, then congrats, you won’t die!
NOMNOMNOMNOM THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
PAGE 17
BOOZE REVIEW SOUTHERN COMFORT BOLD BLACK CHERRY GRADE: B WRITTEN BY: TEX MEX
Spring break is right around the corner (and if you’re just getting back from it, we do apologize, but sucks to suck), and if we’re not already there, we’re getting the hell out of Dodge and heading down south. Whether we’re talking South Padre, Cancun or your Floridian grandparents who are “rad and hip” enough to let you and your friends tear the ever-loving shit out of their cottage, a little bit of SoCo wouldn’t hurt to have on your list of things to ingest this week. Generally, cheap liquor and fruit doesn’t make it taste any less cheap, but this Bold Black Cherry rendition of the staple whiskey-tinted liqueur is tasty enough to keep you going even if you run out of Coke to wash it down with. Smells Like: The bubblegum fluoride that you always forget never actually tastes like bubblegum when your dentist offers it. Tastes Like: Enjoying a mouthful of cherries while standing on train tracks just before the $20 Liquor Express steamrolls you. Typical Drinkers: The guy in the group who always complains that Jack is too expensive, that girl you’ve been struggling to make conversation with across the room, fruit cibophobiacs who want to overcome their fear of choking on cherry pits, and enthusiasts of Southern hospi-
tality without knowing what that means. User Comments: “We already have Black Velvet Cinnamon Rush, so...” “Now that is what I call ‘Southern hospitality.’” “This SoCo’s making me loco … wait, stop, tell me that was funny.” “This might be the only cherry I’ll ever pop.” Best Described as a Song Lyric: “Cherry can you come out tonight?” What Your Uncle With a Deep Southern Drawl Would Say if He Saw You Drinking This: “Garsphmawl, ymphgh shawtuckit rawlmylathe [spits dip in his spittin’ can] Yep, this some mighty fine Southern warmth you got right here.” Food Pairing Suggestions: Soul food, a heaping plate of spaghetti and marinara sauce and Jason’s stale chips that he totally won’t notice are gone. You’ll Like This if You Like: Whiskey-flavored drinks that won’t tie your stomach in a knot. We Mixed it With: Pepsi and lukewarm 7UP
NOW LEASING FOR FALL 2014 LMOCUALTTIIOPLNES! 1,2,3,4 AND 5 BEDROOM APARTMENTS ON CAMPUS 2-10 BEDROOM HOUSES AVAILABLE
SCHEDULE AN APPOINTMENT TODAY! GREENSTREALTY.COM • 217-356-8750
PAGE 18
Student’s Parents Go on Spring Break Because Their Son Won’t HEAVY METAL KRIST WROTE THIS After nine weeks down at U of I without so much as a phone call to his parents, freshman George Russell decided to spend his spring break at home this year. “I thought I would do something nice for my parents and grace them with my presence,” George said jokingly. “I think they’ll appreciate me spending the week at home with them instead of on a beach wasted with my friends.”
George’s parents were less than thrilled to hear about their son’s plans for spring break. “Goddammit,” said George’s father. “If we wanted that little shit home for the week, we would have told him so. We sure as hell don’t miss him. He don’t call us? Why you think we ain’t calling that little shit? If we wanted to see or talk to him so badly, trust me, we would have mustered up the energy to make a half-assed effort to make
the two-hour drive down to Champaign.” George’s mother also expressed disdain for her son’s return home for spring break week. “I hate it when that lazy sack of crap freeloads in our house,” she said. “He sleeps in until noon, doesn’t pick up after himself, and eats all the food I buy. The worst part is, for all the food and electricity that pig consumes, he doesn’t contribute any income to the family!” Mrs. Russell further reasoned that if she and her husband wanted to be around deadbeats, they would operate a homeless shelter or house ISU graduates. “At least homeless people make themselves useful around the shelters they inhabit by doing assigned chores. Our son can’t even be bothered to flush the goddamn toilet when he’s done!” Mr. and Mrs. Russell are most disappointed by the fact that their son’s decision to bum around the house all week directly contradicts the values they worked so hard to instill in him over the years. “For years we would completely neglect young George and his needs in favor of going out on the town to party in clubs and bars,” said Mr. Russell. “We check his Facebook all of the time and always see his lame-ass statuses about staying in and playing FIFA. We don’t see any pictures of Blue Guys, George sloppily groping girls at Joe’s …
hell, even him just carving his name into a booth at Murphy’s. We’ve given him so much guidance, and he’s given us nothing in return.”
the beach,” she said. “I hope it’s given to me by a sexy, sensual, native masseur who really knows how to make a woman’s lips feel good.”
In response to George’s unwelcome return home for the week, Mr. and Mrs. Russell decided to go on a spring break trip of their own. “We don’t want to be infected with our son’s lameness, so we’re getting the hell out of Dodge,” said Mrs. Russell. “Me and my husband told our bosses to fuck off and bought tickets for the next flight to Acapulco. If George isn’t going to live his college days properly, then we’ll gladly do it for him!”
“Easy there, thunder thighs,” quipped Mr. Russell. “Anyway, when George comes home, he’s going to be greeted by an empty house with the pantry locked and the liquor cabinet out of stock. Spring break is meant to be spent at Padre with your buddies getting hammered, ignoring your body’s pleas for food and water, and raw dogging Girls Gone Wild rejects,” said Mr. Russell. “Not eating our food, drinking our liquor, and acting as a general nuisance and inconvenience to your parents.”
“I’m going to drink so many daiquiris,” said Mr. Russell, who could barely contain his excitement for the upcoming trip. “Spring break is the only place you can indulge in those fruity delectables without having your sexuality questioned, so I intend to take full advantage of that.” Mr. Russell is also excited for what he called “the talent” of spring break. “I’m going to be slappin’ butts and bangin’ sluts all week!” he said excitedly. “Bitches better beware, because I’m unleashing the Russell Wonder Muscle again!” Mrs. Russell was equally excited to go to Acapulco. “I’m looking forward to sex on
While Mr. and Mrs. Russell hope depriving their son of food and access to alcohol will push George to head back to campus to think long and hard of what he’s done, they do not believe hanging around the house with him all week will enforce the point they are trying to make. “Basically, we want nothing to do with our son and everything to do with hitting the party scene,” said Mrs. Russell. “His father and I are going to rage for a week straight while simultaneously avoiding him, thus teaching George what we expect from him. That’s just good parenting!”
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PAGE 19
THE BLACK SHEEP OPINION: UNIVERSITY OF ILLINOIS ISN’T FOR POORS TIFFANY McSNOB WROTE THIS Spring break has finally arrived, allowing us Illini ten long days to reflect on our time in college and the paths we are making for ourselves. Our generation is being pushed more than ever to attend college so that we can pursue highlyrenowned careers, like entry-level junior staff accountants and social media managers. The reality of the matter is, however, with the economy circling the drain and unemployment at an all-time high, there are simply not enough of these prestigious jobs to go around. As you take the next week to think, really ask yourself, “Do I deserve to go back to college?” Unfortunately, for students in the lower-middle-class, the answer is no. Higher education in America is a privilege, not a right. Nowhere in the Constitution does it state that all Americans should have the opportunity to go to college. So why do we consistently motivate Chicago’s poorer suburbanites, even downstaters, to have ambition? By focusing on youth as a whole, we undermine the undeniable abilities of Lake Foresters and those from Winnetka
in order to establish equal opportunities for everyone. Our education system should concentrate on those who have the means to succeed, evidenced by a lifestyle is already more reflective of the achievements of their wealthy family lineages. These students are already groomed for influential careers, and should be the only ones competing for them throughout college. Conversely, because of their bucktoothed, cousin-loving, blue-collar background, lower-middle-class students shouldn’t waste their time and money trying to rise above their social status. In many cases, they often become the mediocre guy in the next cubicle doing slightly less bitch work than an upper-class stallion better cut out for the white-collar lifestyle. In order to achieve personal success, lower-middle-class students should focus on jobs more in line with their family ancestry — garbage pickers and street performers of both Polish and Italian descent — as it better correlates to their true abilities.
Those who oppose this view argue that each student should be given the opportunity to develop through higher education regardless of social status. What challengers fail to realize is the effects of Social Darwinism in which those who succeed will always succeed because they have the means to do so. Of course, there is always the Hollywood archtype underdog, who is able to rise above the social hierarchy, but we must know that this is little more than Hollywood conjuring, akin to the Swamp Thing or the successful single female. Contrary to popular belief, being a member of the working class is not a terrible thing, and land costs in Elmhurst are cheaper than they’ve been in ages. In fact, blue collar life is the foundation of America. Without plumbers, janitors and stockyard workers class, the upper class could not execute all of their important work. Picking up trash or delivering mail should not be looked down upon because it doesn’t require a college degree. Rather, those jobs should be cherished because they allow the most influential
people to succeed. This chain of indirect success should be enough for any working man/woman to be proud of what he/she does, no matter how painfully insignificant they seem. Without the working class, America would not be where it is today. Things like political debates would be nothing without the conflicts and concerns of those who live paycheck-to-paycheck. America requires a certain degree of mediocrity, as you all are the quaint, poor, spice of life of this great state. And when it comes down to it, there is nobility in daily METRA rides into the “Big City” to
work at reception desks for our community’s elite. As a member of the upper-middle-class, I urge everyone on the UIUC campus to contemplate whether or not you truly belong here. Examine your life from an outsider’s perspective and determine whether or not you have the means to really make something of yourself. If you find that your artsy-fartsy classes are still engaging, then it’s in the best interest of yourself and everyone else at the university to drop out and not return to campus after spring break. Your sacrifice will not be in vain, I assure you.
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eleven reasons
(and a half )
why you should stop kidnapping the elderly Tex Mex wrote this We know what you’re thinking: “Seriously, The Black Sheep, are you trying to suck the fun out of my Friday nights?” Trust us, we’re more upset about corporate making us write this as some stupid “learn from your mistakes/help us get out of the legal trouble you caused us” piece. So, as useless as it sounds, here’s 11 ½ reasons why you should stop kidnapping the elderly.
1. it’s just too expensive of a hobby
3.you’re running out of ideas for ransom letters
Studies have shown that smoking a pack of cigarettes everyday for a year can end up costing over $2,000. A year of kidnapping old people could cost you $1,000 alone on gas (depending on the location of your preferred retirement home), over $2,000 in pre-chewed foods, $3,000 for assorted entertainment like silk doilies and seasons of Golden Girls on DVD, and $500 for parts and maintenance. Unless you’ve kidnapped an aging Mr. Monopoly, your stupid part-time job isn’t going to cut it.
For the first couple of weeks, there was nothing quite as exciting as writing to morbidly stressed-out family members that you have their dear Gammy Marjorie captive and she’s worth approximately “X” amount of dollars. Nowadays, you’re likely too busy to cut individual letters from magazines and you’re running out of eerie, foggy piers to host transactions. You can always send a, “Hi, [FAMILY NAME]. This is [CAPTIVE ELDER]. I am doing fine,” card, but where’s the soul in that?
2. you have your own grandparents Depending on how long you’ve been up to your shenanigans, you could have anywhere from three to three hundred stolen elders crammed into your basement. Why ignore the perfectly sound grandparents you already have at your disposal? We know about the stack of unopened, cheesy Christmas cards sitting on your desk waiting to be opened. For shame.
4. your car will get that new “old people” smell At this point, you definitely shouldn’t be driving your mom’s matte black minivan for your raids anymore because it’s not exactly the most inconspicuous looking vehicle. Depending on how ransom money has gone (if you’re into that sort of thing), you’ve probably treated yourself to a nice early-2000s Honda Civic, or at least a car that makes wide scale abduction a little more tasteful and environmentally friendly. But it’s only a matter of time before that “scented pine” air freshener yields to “formaldehyde and prunes.”
ELEVEN REASONS / STOP KIDNAPPING THE ELDERLY
5. you’re tired of being mistaken for someone’s grandchild Agnes tells you every day that you remind her of her handsome, strapping-young-lad-of-a-grandson, David, and it’s breaking your fucking heart. For the first few weeks, it was fun to humor the Alzheimer’s sufferers of the lot, taking on different personas they found heartwarming. You probably haven’t realized that you ended up with a wicked case of multiple personality disorder, a few good-and-confused elders, and a writhingly depressing story that will probably get picked up by Spielberg in time for the next Academy Awards.
6. they’re causing you to seriously doubt your generation You probably thought that the whole “Back in my day…” story intro was only in the movies, and boy-oh-boy, you couldn’t have been more wrong. At this point, you had to have gone through enough of Boris’ talks about the early 50s to know that being a Millennial is bad, and you should feel horrible about it. Did you know that, back in his day, Americans used to be afraid of red-stained, good-for-nothing Commie bastards rather than flat-out electing one as President? Or how about the fact that Elvis was the real king of rock before those damned Beatles brought long hair and sex appeal to this once-fine country? Yeah, the 90s sure were better times, huh?
7. they don’t make the best sweatshop laborers Let’s be honest for a second, buddy: We all know that some people are in this business just for the money, and that passionless person could very well be you. The flaw in your likely failing operation is that you’ve been abducting the wrong age demographic this whole time. When you order Gertrude to tweak the inner screws of the textile machine, did you take into account that she needs reading glasses? Not to mention that you’ve probably been breaking some sort of labor law because of some dumb Retirement Act that forces you to treat your aging workers like people. You’re operating at a loss, friend, and it might be time to file for bankruptcy before you’re as old as your work force.
8. you’re almost out of random relatives to impersonate It was easy enough the first time to just stroll on in Shady Oaks and proclaim that you were Bobby [LAST NAME], fit and able to pick up your dear Grandpa [LAST NAME
FROM EXCEL SHEET] before wheeling his confused ass straight from the exit ramp to the back of your trunk. However, only an amateur old people snatcher would dare waltz into a nursing home with the same disguise twice. Forty-seven fake occupations and innumerable drag outfits that even Mrs. Doubtfire would find questionable later, your only viable options at this point probably rely heavily on skin pigmentation. Then again, with your track record, it may be clear that the reception staff clearly doesn’t give a shit of who stays and who goes.
9. your social life is suffering Remember the good old days when your friends wanted to play “house” and you always wanted to be the grandparent? Or when you would always insist in high school that you be called “The Grandpappy” with zero explanation? You even don’t go out dressed like a pigeon for the old ladies at the park to get closer to their soft, sagging skin nearly as much as you used to. In between those pastimes and listening to Lawrence Welk vinyls, it’s hard to believe why you would ever even consider kidnapping old people in the first place.
10. you’re eventually going to have to tell the nurse you’ve fallen in love with what you “really” do Your stops at the reception desk are becoming more than just “small-talk chats.” Your first couple dates with Mary were wonderful, and there’s no doubting she’s an absolute angel. Hell, you’re set to meet the parents next week. You know the inevitable “So, X, what exactly do you do for a living?” question is going to pop up, and “entrepreneur” just isn’t going to cut it anymore.
11. you’ve begun to realize that changing catheters isn’t as fun as it sounds To an extent, this one’s very much like hyping up alcohol as a teenager, only to find out that it loses its thrill very
quickly. If you’ve been someone who’s been an equal opportunity kidnapper supporting all old folks without preference, good on you, but that decision’s about to bite you square in the tuckus. Your house smells more of elderly urine than the usual aroma of cat urine, and it has likely made all of the cats you stole last summer incredibly jealous. If you can’t balance the overpowering stench of household urine across all kidnapped parties, you may as well admit that you don’t take abducting geezers seriously, and that’s pretty upsetting to us.
11 1/2. You’ve realized that the police are outside your house Like, they’re literally about to burst through the front door right now. We agreed to tip them off in order to lessen our own sentence. We sincerely apologize, but if it took you the full 11 1/2 reasons before you realized that you needed to get the hell out of dodge and let your people go, then you probably deserved to get caught anyway. Sorry!
THE COLLEGE GAMEDAY SEEK AND FIND Can you find all of the images below in this College Gameday scene?
PAGE 23
SCHEDULE FOR PEARL JAM’S ALTERNATIVE SPRING BREAK RELEASED TEX MEX WROTE THIS
Hey all! Eddie Vedder here to let y’all know about Champaign’s most rockin’ alternative spring break yet! No, we may not be heading down to some third-world country or road tripping to soup kitchens nationwide, but the rest of Pearl Jam and I promise to keep y’all spring breakers entertained while still giving back to the community?! I don’t know about this Padre business, but, oh, I’m still alive for this week, and I’m hoping we’ll keep an even flow of extreme fun going! Monday: Meals on Wheels for the Elderly with Soundgarden Join Chris Cornell and the gang as they race through suburban Champaign in their tour bus to provide truly Spoonman-sized portions of assorted microwavable meals to the eldest and wisest souls of the city! After delivering several trays of home-style mashed potatoes and lukewarm, pre-chewed biscuits a
la Chris’ well-exercised mouth muscles, take some time to kick back with the old folks to teach them what the 90s alt scene was really all about. They may get cranky, but the delivered meals will leave their bellies wanting more like black holes, son!
Tuesday: Finger Painting with Red Hot Chili Peppers We get that all those delinquencies bumming around Texan beaches are going to be sucking kisses away from each other in drunken revelry. But after going through many an assorted “fun enhancer” through hypodermic needles, Anthony Kiedis and friends will be instructing newcomers to what helped him most out of his totally lame slump—the world of finger painting. Say “Give it Away” to your hedonistic impulses to engage in premarital sexual intercourse and the consumption of harmful substances while the sock boys show you the other side of
the fun spectrum at the Krannert Center for the Performing Arts. By the way, see if you can best Kiedis in creating a better five-fingered turkey painting, because we sure can’t!
Wednesday: Tea & Slam Poetry in the Garden with The Smashing Pumpkins Tell us all your secrets, innocent, little cherub rockers! Come one, come all to join Billy Corgan and the rest of whoever-the-heck he’s touring with these days for a day of indulging in each other’s feelings, support groups, maybe a trust fall here and there, and enough tea to party like it’s 1979 at the Espresso Royale on Sixth and Daniel. Listen to slam master Corgan recite lyrics for the newest Pumpkins album … and that’s pretty much it! He’s already assured that there’s zero chance that he’ll be letting anyone else read on stage, but hey, if the world is a vampire set to
drain, then drain away at that herbal blackberry teabag on the greatest day you’ve ever known!
Thursday: Reading to the Homeless with Weezer Beverly Hills? That’s where you want to be? Sheesh, that’s quite some way to really give back to those in need this spring break. Join the dudes who made being a geeky rock band tubular again in reading the classics with everyone’s favorite Green Street homeless folks. From Dostoevsky to Fitzgerald, help grant those less fortunate with the gift that keeps on giving of literary knowledge. “I may not be Jonas, but call me Ishmael!” Rivers Cuomo might proclaim while reading Melville’s classic Moby Dick to an incapacitated ‘Nam veteran, well aware that sometimes peddling for change just isn’t as fulfilling as listening to an allegorical take on the 19th century whaling industry.
Why not knit one of them a sweater, while you’re at it? Something like that has way more life-long use than a hash pipe! Friday: Ending Reflection/ Celebration with Pearl Jam Eddie here again! Well, looks like this here will be the end of our adventure. There’s no
doubting that friendships will be gained, hugs will be had, and the city of Champaign will leave us with a lasting smile that proves that the power of rock n’ roll can really make a difference in the world. This Friday, gather ‘round the campfire we’ll form in the center of the Main Quad as we share our
experiences with each other and talk about how glad we are that we didn’t need sex or booze to have real, wholesome fun. When you’re older and telling your kids about this experience, “Son … have I got a little story for you,” I hope you’ll look back on this week and rate it a Ten out of Ten.
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the crossword famous steve(n)s ACROSS: 3) American political satirist, comedian and television host. 6) Steve Irwin died from this animal. 8) Steve Jobs created this revolutionary brand. 10) Steve Carell shouts this person’s name while getting waxed in 40 YearOld Virgin, two words. 12) This famous Stephen is a celebrity physicist. 14) Shia LaBeouf was the lead actos in this Disney Channel show, two words. 16) He directed Jaws and E.T., just to name a few. 17) Stephen Colletti, also
know at “Ste-phennnn!” was first daying who on Laguna Beach? 19) This fictional Steve famously said, “Did I do that?” DOWN: 1) In our humble opinion, the best host of Family Feud. 2) Stephen Hillenburg created this popular Nickelodean animated series. 3) Steven Tyler is the lead singer of this band. 7) This famous Stevie sang “Edge of Seventeen.” 8) This Steve is Stone Cold 9) Brothers Alex, Daniel, Wiliam and Stephen.11)
Stephen, the “City Surrounded by Gold, is in which state? 13) Blind musician born in Saginaw, Michigan. 15) This Stephen wrote the lyrics for West Side Story. 18) Stephen King’s The Shining has this infamous saying, two words.
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