Illinois - Issue 1 - 1/17/2013 by The Black Sheep

The Black Sheep

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The Booze News

• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •

Volume 22, Issue 1 • 1/16/13 - 1/22/13

theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheep_uiuc

the Kam’s-pocalypse kitty kat wrote this

Many students return this semester with broken hearts because the local drinking hotspot, Kam’s, is now only opening its doors to patrons twenty one and older. Like all of the other bars on campus, Kam’s used to let in students as young as nineteen years old (sometimes 17-year olds, but they had a parent with them..okay, a pledge parent...), knowing there was absolutely no way those kids would have been able to get their little illegal hands on a drink. But, like the final isotopic meltdown that leads to a nuclear apocalypse, one too many tickets for serving underage customers forced Kam’s to either pay the fine or do the time. So it was decided to enforce the legal age limit for the entire spring semester, which has been described mostly as “Like, totally unfair.” Home of the Drinking Illini, Kam’s has forever been one of the most popular campus bars simply because of its unforgettable “eh”-ness. It’s not the largest bar on campus or even the cleanest, but that’s what makes it so damn great. People keep coming back to Kam’s night after night for a lot of reasons, the main one usually being that they are unable to leave in the first place. The bar’s floor is so absolutely sticky that it’s not uncommon to remain glued to it throughout the entire night. With events like Country Night and classic drinks like Blue Guys, Kam’s is definitely a main topic of discussion throughout campus on a daily basis, and is the talk of the town more than ever since this rule went in to effect. School officials are extremely pleased with Kam’s decision to raise the minimum age to twenty one, saying that they only have positive predictions for the outcome of this change. Integrative biology professor Mark Loren hopes to see higher grades in his classes this year because of it. “With one less bar available to underclassmen, they’ll obviously just give up drinking altogether. It’s not like they’re going to go anywhere else or drink in their apartments. Kam’s is all they have. This semester will be torture for them socially, but academically they will shine.” Loren’s opinions were reflected among other staff members, except for the young, cool TAs on campus. Although there are few of this particular TA breed, there have already been talks about yet another strike to not grade a single paper until all on campus can enjoy Kam’s together once again. Female students living in sorority houses near Kam’s also admit to being slightly relieved with Kam’s new rule. Katrina Boyer explained how convenient it was to go to Kam’s any night she wanted because of the close proximity. “Now with only people over twenty one being allowed in the bar, I have a better chance of not bringing home a freshman again. The sisters

Syllabus Week, A Body Narrative

Pump the brakes, party boy. Your body hates you.

page 6

that saw me sneak a few of those into the house have never let it go. I think the acne and campus maps in their hands gave it away.” As for her social life, Boyer is not all concerned that some of her friends will be counted out from the fun. “First of all, I’m a senior, so a lot of my friends are twenty one too. And all the freshmen we just initiated all look the same, so finding a few fake IDs within our house won’t be a problem at all.” Some Kam’s employees are concerned that their bar will fall in the rankings of Cool Campus Bars. For years Kam’s has reigned as one of the best on campus. We attempted to reach the owner for comments, but he was too busy counting his money and bathing in lavender, to speak to us. However, we

what'’s inside

Enough to Break the Ice

were able to speak with one employee who wished to remain anonymous. He said, “It’s going to be really hard for me to see a lot of our normal customers going to other places on Thursday nights. There were a couple sophomore girls I was getting so close to banging, and now they’re going to find some other bartender at Red Lion or Joe’s. It’s a real shame.” When asked about what new crowd, if any, the age change will draw, the employee’s eyes fell. “I haven’t seen any strange in here at all. This place has turned into a fucking episode of Cheers, and the only people that come here on a regular basis anymore are senior athletes and creepy grad students.” He did, however, offer one sign of optimism for the bar. “On the bright side, hopefully the smell will finally improve.”

continued on page 19

If Syllabus Week icebreakers spoke nothing but the truth.

The Top 10: Things to Look Forward to This Semester

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contents

Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com

page 5: Who to Call After Surviving the Apocalypse

page 5

Time to start cleaning up the mess of our "last night" on Earth.

page 7: Roommate Revenge 101

Payback time for everything you put up with last semester.

page 8: Freshman Etiquette for Second Semester (According to a Super Senior) It's time to put the campus maps away, losers.

page 9

page 9: A Dash of Drunk and a Whole Lot of Revenge

The Drunkbusters are here to save your night from that bar asshole.

page 10: Point/Counterpoint: Pay for Booze or Pay Your Bills

Table of

The tough choice all college students must make.

page 16: Bartenders of the Week

Sean and Shawn will have you seeing double all night.

page 18: Dances With Squirrels: A Doomed Freshman's Survival Log

A lesson all must learn: Never stay on campus for break.

page 18: from the streets

How do you stay warm in the winter?

Meet The Staff Managing Editor Mike Benson copy Editor Katelyn Lilly Advertising Manager Eric Blokel distribution Managers Patrick Rafferty & Mike Lieber Contributing Writers Kevin Hanes, Rebecca Jacobs Morgan Foster, Molly Forrest Ashley Perl, Max Russell John McCombs, Ryan Rudolf Austin Gomez, Scott Gantner, Ryan Rudolf, Sam Caravette

page 18 Find Us At...

pr manageRs Abbie Welsch | Chloe Miseck Colin Lateano photographer Graca Haka campus director Brendan Bonham owner Atish Doshi Founders Atish Doshi & Derek Chin Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com Advertising? ads@theblacksheeponline.com 217-390-1747

Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

Owned & Operated By: Black Card Media, LLC P.O. Box 221385 Chicago, IL 60622 217.390.1747

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Pic

of the

Week!

Dear Mike, I need a ride back to Champaign, and classes start this week. What should I do? Sincerely, Rideless Dear rideless, I’m going to tell you what I usually say to people when they are in a bind: Start selling drugs. Being that you are on a strict timetable, I advise you to go down to your local Wal-Mart and pick up as much children’s cough medicine as you can. They’ll tell you that you can no longer return to that Wal-Mart, but that’s ok. You’re only gonna need to do this once to get back to Champaign. It’s too late to get a bus if you want to make it tonight, but you still need to get your hands on some money. What you need to do is walk around your neighborhood until you come across a group of high school students. Try checking your local Hot Topic or Teavana. After you find some, sell them the cough medicine for 25 bucks a bottle. This money will provide valuable security in the case that you somehow end up kidnapped in Mexico, because you’re gonna be doing some hitchhiking. I know people say that hitchhiking is dangerous, but trust me, it is not as dangerous as entering the working world without a college diploma. Stay in school, kids! Michael

Sexy Anagrams

Everyone though Sarah was being sexual when she took shots, but tragically, it was because she lost her arms in a freak crossbow fight.

(Want to become famous next week? awesome!) Send us your pic of the week at pics@theblacksheeponline.com

word of the week A Hah Has Sir Cars Nerd Sir

Do you know who these

celebrity hotties are? Send your answers to anagrams@theblacksheeponline.com First five right answers get a prize!

last week’s answers

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Platidude:

An overly generic description of a college male. “Flynn likes to listen to the latest Macklemore album when he runs at the gym before meeting his friends and his side piece out on a Friday night. What a platidude.”

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Who to Call After Surviving the Apocalypse mad max wrote this

When waking up on December 22nd to a non-cataclysmic world, society let out a sigh of regret. It might not have been a wise gamble to deprive oneself of all dignity the night before the world was supposedly going to end, but it turns out the human race is a bunch of hedonists. Many of us would like to go back in time and warn our previous, less morally-violated selves not to go through with the depravity of the massive drug-fueled orgies that occurred just a few weeks ago. Sadly, since Joseph Gordon-Levitt hasn’t gotten around to inventing time-travel yet, the people of this world will have to survive without a clear end in sight. As we rebuild beer-bong tables from trashed apartments, a few hard but necessary phone calls are going to need to take place in order to return to some semblance of normalcy. In the meantime, pray that no one brought a camera to whatever end of the year party you were at. McKinley: Lines will be out the door for the baths of penicillin that people are still in desperate need of. Convenience stores across America were selling protection on the night that should have been our last, but since there wasn’t supposed to be a tomorrow, the normal class and sophistication during the act of fornication went out the window. However there was a sharp increase in K-Y Intense sales. Immediately call a doctor and get your yearly check. Friends don’t need to know about the hot passion you had with a partner who would normally be off your desired sexual radar, but your doctor sure as hell does. Having an under-the-weather cooter or pecker is a worse fate than the world’s crust turning to hellfire, so get that stuff cleared up. Now that you have a future ahead of you, you need to find yourself a spouse, and it’ll be a little difficult to do that with someone else's genital junk taking up residence near your crotch. “End-It” Booty Calls: The amount of morning after phone calls tripled the worldwide average on December 22nd. It may have been easy to whisper sweet nothings when your idea of forever only extends to a few more hours. However, the moment the polarity of the Earth didn’t reverse, and our bodies didn't float off into the universe, a sobering awareness shocked the world as everyone realized they never would want to see the other person again. Fake names were given, phone numbers were illegibly written (some fake, some not), and now there will be a new spike of illegitimate, unattractive children.

Place of Employment: It may be debt or it may be a drained savings account, but a lot of dollars were spent illicitly on the night of December 21st. While bartenders were counting their blessings, partygoers were counting down to oblivion. Venues were rented and drugs, especially hard drugs, were consumed en masse. More successful and exciting than that Queen Latifah movie, this literally was the “last holiday” for the world population, and everyone threw the best party they could. For the lack of money, do what everyone else does and get a job. You have all the time in the world now to start narrowing down a career. You can start off with something easy that doesn’t require much talent, like a Daily Illini reporter, for instance. For those who can’t get into the writing business, there’s always exotic dancing or prostitution. It’s an industry that hires both guys and gals, and men will always be financing it. You never know, you could be the next Channing Tatum! Like a small coastal town after a devastating hurricane, it’s time to come together and pick up the remaining pieces of our lives. The first few steps may be a bit difficult and embarrassing, but once you’ve made these crucial calls, you should be back to your old life in no time. Except now you have some kick-ass Project X-type stories to brag to your kids about.

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Syllabus Week, a Body Narrative Forrest Fire wrote this Winter break wasn’t established for holidays or mental recovery. The sole reason for its creation was for me, your body. A three-to-five week leave from school in my honor may seem a little selfish considering I am not a president or a religious figure, but since syllabus week brings out the selfcentered prick in everyone, I was granted a relief. While you spent your days of winter break watching Netflix and justifying your carb loading, I built up strength and put together an antibody infantry. As your body, I've decided to give you a rundown of your syllabus week, so you can see what I’m forced to go through each semester. Hopefully this time you’ll realize I’m not totally invincible. Sunday: It’s the first night back, but instead of unpacking your shit and preparing for your classes tomorrow, you go out with your friends. You originally intend on having a casual night just to get back into the swing of things, but I know your “casual night” all too well. A couple of drinks turns into cup of shots, which turns into blackout. Vomiting ensues. Monday: You miss your first day of classes; off to a good start there, pal. You then justify to yourself that since you haven’t been to any classes yet, technically school hasn’t started for you so you have every right to go out again tonight. After laying around in the apartment all day, you’re ready to get wild. You start tossing back shots faster than your tongue can keep up with. I can tell the stomach is starting to feel a little queasy… Tuesday: You didn’t have any intention of going out tonight after such rough outings the past two evenings, but one of your friends has a shift at Firehaus tonight, and it would be a sin to pass up the cheap, strong drinks. Plus this morning you woke up with a text from a random number saying, “hop 2 c u tonite.” You really need to find out who that is. The brain can put together a few facial features, but otherwise, to him, last night was a huge blur too. Wednesday: Lucky for you, Wednesdays are a breeze with just one class at 2 p.m. Unfortunately you have a headache that just won’t quit and the only insta-cure is some Mary Jane. After your smoke sesh you’re feeling great, and they don’t call it hump day for nothin’! You gotta go out and snag a dime piece (or at least a nickel). Meanwhile my poor lungs and throat are burning and itching, but the pain quickly slips your mind as you spot your slam piece across the dance floor. Thursday: If waking up naked in a bottom bunk doesn’t say “successful night” then I don’t know what does. You decide to go to class only because it’s on the way home, even though you’re still in last night’s clothes with total bed head. While reaching into your pocket you find a pack of cigarettes. Your lungs and throat tense up, still not fully recovered from your last few puffs. You decide

to have one cig anyway because you’re running low on the money your parents gave you to spend on groceries and you need to curb your appetite. Since your cigs saved you from spending cash, it is only fair that you go out for Thirsty Thursday. This day of the week has a nickname, so you have to celebrate! Friday: Day six: challenge accepted. You’ve been on a binge, and you are now in a race against time. Will I, your dear and beloved body, be able to withstand deterioration for one more day? It doesn’t matter to you if I can; you’re still going to go out tonight! The pregame starts around 6 p.m. and you’re passed out, once again, before closing time. Saturday: You have an uncontrollable cough, terrible skin, and a slight genital itch but you’re in the home stretch. If you make it through tonight you’ll be a legend, maybe even a god. Plus you have to end your go-out-every-day-that-ends-in-“day” bar crawl strong. At this point, I’m just going through the motions. No matter what happens tonight, I swear on your life that I will make you pay in the morning… As your body, I seriously suggest you cool it for the rest of this year. Don’t be an asshole.

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Enough to Break the Ice Sammie Sea wrote this Awkward, TA-induced icebreakers are the bane of a happy syllabus week. The fact that this is an issue at the college level is ridiculous in itself, as the entire concept of icebreakers is flawed. While TAs may have good intentions, these little “games” are nothing but a painful waste of time. Of course everyone would rather sit and do nothing in class instead of actual work, but icebreakers are just a torturous hour of listening to shit about people who you’ll never talk to again. The truth of the matter is that icebreakers just give people an opportunity to brag about themselves and exaggerate who they really are. Of course you’re going to talk yourself up. Who cares if your “Two Truths and a Lie” were really all lies if it makes you look good in front of the hot babes in the room? But think about it: Wouldn’t it be awesome if icebreakers were painfully honest? The awkwardness would be so palpable and entertaining. Then you’d really know who to be friends with and who to stay away from. Embarrassing icebreakers like these would be enough to justify going to that 9 a.m. discussion. “Hey! So, my name is Brenda and I’m currently a junior. I am the social chair for DG, which is whatever. I really wanted to be the VP, but I lost to this one bitch. I’m totes kidding! I love all my sisters. Anyways, I’m originally from Indiana, but I moved to Illinois with my mom when I was fourteen because of my dad’s alcohol problems. I tend to have a lot of daddy issues so I’m really trying to fill that void with anything, if you know what I mean.” *Winks* “Hey guys, my name is Mark. I’m a junior majoring in kinesiology. I’m not really sure what kinesiology is, but I’m an athlete so I’m sure my advisor will explain it to me before I graduate. I rarely attend class and when I do, I just scroll through my Facebook timeline on my phone. If we’re in a group project together, there’s a good chance I will lie and tell you I have practice so you’ll end up doing the project alone. That way the project will be done right and I’ll still get the credit I deserve, you know, since I’m an athlete and all.” “Hi, I'm Ricky, and I'm studying communication because I was too lazy to commit to a real major and have no serious plans for my future. I’m socially awkward and usually just end up staring at girls creepily throughout lecture instead of talking to them. An interesting fact about me is that I collect vintage erotica and like to rummage through my roommate’s drawers and try on his clothes when he’s not home.” “Hey there, my name’s Nicole and I’m a sophomore. I love to party, and I usually go out every night with my friends. I was in rehab twice in high school after multiple alcohol poisonings. I can’t tell you

how many times I’ve had my stomach pumped! Last semester I had a pregnancy scare and a bout with chlamydia, but I’m seriously not a slut. I just love to have a good time! YOLO, right? Let me know if you guys want to study together. I can never find time to finish the homework on my own.” “What’s up? My name’s Alex, and I’m an art and design major. I think the whole foundation of geneds is bogus because they don’t allow us to express our individuality and creativity. I spend a lot of time writing lyrics for my band, the Meat Murderers. We’ve had a few gigs at the Canopy Club, but we’re really trying to make it big. I use drugs to help me create my unique image, but to label me as a stoner is just ignorant. I’m also a vegan. I will end up shoving my beliefs about animals and the legalization of marijuana down your throats.” Sure, hearing icebreakers like these would make syllabus week more of an awesome time than it already is. The problem sets in, though, when it’s your turn to speak. Who knows what that classroom is going to learn about you.

Roommate Revenge 101 kimberly ann wrote this If your roommate is the most annoying and foul human being you've ever met, and the thought of living with him or her another week makes you want to slam your head into a brick wall, it’s time to get them the hell out. Forget a small prank that’ll barely manage to ruin their day. After half the crap they’ve done to you, you’re going to have to go big and get them to go home. Posting a status on Facebook about them pooping isn’t enough, you need to play dirty. You need to make them just as miserable as they made you during first semester. If you were forced to spend first semester waking up to nasty surprises from your roommate’s even nastier hookup, whose fake moans kept you up all night, get even. No more cum and pube-clogged shower drains or rancid fish-scented panties lying around your living space. Use your roommate’s whorish, inconsiderate ways to your advantage. One possibility could be to break into your roommate’s condom stash, carefully remove the rubbers, lace the tips with a thin layer of Frank’s Red Hot sauce, and then place back in the packaging. All you have to do after that is listen as he or she gets a spicy, Cajun insertion. If you’re not feeling too ruthless you can always use the Internet and social media to your advantage in destroying your roommate’s reputation and sex life. Start a blog or a webpage calling it something along the lines of “If You Want An STD Sleep With Me!” or “Looking for my Baby Mama.” Throughout the semester, videotape or take pictures of your slutty roommate’s prime moments with different hookups and post them all over the webpage. Share the link on numerous

Facebook pages, get it trending on Twitter, post it on College ACB -- wherever you can get it out. Your roommate’s true colors will be shining bright for the public to see, and soon no one will want to screw them. There will also be a rise in students getting tested for STDs, so it’s like you’re doing the world a favor and making it a safer place. So maybe your roommate isn’t a huge slut, just a cheap bastard who takes all your stuff. To get your roommate to keep his or her grubby hands off your personal items you’ll need to start sabotaging them. The plan will need to be altered depending on what your roommate is taking, and it could get a little gross on your end. Give the roommate who can’t seem to stop inhaling all of your food an unpleasant shock to the taste buds. Start messing with all the food you put out, but remember to keep a hidden stash for yourself so you don’t starve or accidentally eat one of the foods you tampered with. Get nasty. Pouring hot sauce over a dish or two is a good start, but more than likely your roommate will enjoy the new flavor. Instead, keep in mind that the grosser the food is, the faster your roommate stops wolfing it all down. You’re gonna want to focus on bodily fluids here. Don’t just stop after your roommate vomits over the nastiness once. They will continue to eat your food as soon as they sense it is safe. Keep throwing surprises at them all semester long. Sure, your roommate may have good hair, teeth, and body odor, but that’s only because they are using all of your products. Try putting Nair Hair Remover in your shampoo

and conditioner. They will feel the itching, burning sensation on their scalp and wash off before they turn into a skinhead, but a bald spot or two is guaranteed. Mix some peroxide in your toothpaste -- this will make your roommate gag instantly. Vomiting after brushing their teeth a few times will surely make them want to switch brands. Put some itching powder in your hairbrush so the bastard will think they got lice and will need to buy their own special shampoo. Just make sure you don’t use it too. Stop being the pushover your roommate likes to walk all over and take some good ole fashion prank action. After a few ruthless, nasty pranks, your awful roommate will be running out the door for good. Be sure to change the locks when they do.

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Freshman Etiquette for Second Semester (According to a Super Senior) John McHoneyCombs wrote this Alright you little whippersnappers, second semester is a period of transition for all you new kids out there. Things are going to change, and the rest of us aren’t going to put up with your loud antics and hippity hop music anymore. If you want to know how to not piss us off, then keep reading. Classes: It’s common knowledge among upperclassmen that anyone who is seen outside with a map open during syllabus week is fair game for a punch to the back of the head. You’ve been here a semester already, so you should be somewhat familiar with the campus at this point. And even if you’re not, you should still have the common sense to look up where your classes are beforehand in the privacy of your non-threatening dorm room. Similarly, if you're late, don't run to class. Seriously, there is absolutely no reason to run. The Vikings you’re studying in that class are all dead and would drink beer out of your skull if they saw you doing something as lame as running to class on the first day. Or any day of the semester, actually. Syllabus week is meant to ease you back into the soul-crushing world of papers, projects, and exams. That means you need to spend this week as drunk as possible. There shouldn’t be a single day in which you show up to class on time, with a full night’s sleep, and completely sober. If you need a good reference, you should be sitting in class smelling a lot like a hobo passed out in the heat of summer.

Going Out: We know drunken sluts and the athletes who bone them are still grieving for Kam’s turning 21+, but now you have to realize that there’s more out there. So much more. You don’t have to confine yourselves to frat houses and crowded party bars anymore. Your first instinct will be to rage until you awaken from your blackout with an IV in your arm, but try having a night where you just chill with your friends every once in a while. We’re not talking about going to an apartment party with twenty other people you know, kind-of-not-really; we’re saying invite a few people over, go in on a case together, and just shoot the shit with your buddies. When you turn 21 and feel that gaping hole in your wallet start to burrow into your flesh, you’ll thank us. Also, the time of babysitting is over. From now on, each of your friends have one night per semester to make an ass of themselves. No more stopping the party to chase after Becky when she whipped her top off and started sprinting towards the Morrow Plots. It’s time to start facing the consequences of your actions otherwise you’ll never learn a thing. We had to walk home shirtless, covered in our own blood last semester, but that’s what we get for walking into an opium den broke.

know your slam piece a little better. Ask him or her what their last name is or even what major they’re in. This will gradually prepare you for having a friend with benefits later, and eventually a non-serious boyfriend or girlfriend in the future. Then maybe someday far down the road, in grad school perhaps, you may fill that empty hole in your stomach you’ve been pouring alcohol into with love.

Dating: All that whoring out you did first semester was great, ladies, but now it’s time to get serious. You’re gonna have to settle down and commit yourself to about three or four solid and consistent fuck buddies. It’s a shame to limit your potential here, but now that McKinley knows you by first name it’s time to pump the brakes just a little bit. Take this time to get to

Basically, just don’t be an idiot. You’re in college now; make sure your level of maturity (and more importantly, coolness) reflects that. Although, the majority of you won’t have that selfrealization moment until the end of the spring semester when you’re on academic probation and twenty pounds overweight. But it happens to the best of us unfortunately.

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Top 10

page 9

Things to Look Forward to This Semester

10.) Summer: The problem with winter is that around early March it no longer becomes relevant to talk about “how crazy warm this weather is!” For some men on campus, that is a go-to conversation starter. Which is why on that first warm, spring-like day of the semester, expect a few nice boys to shyly saunter over to you and mention something about how unseasonably warm it is or something. You should probably just ignore him. 9.) Season 3 of Game of Thrones: It is a mystery to most what the LARPers on campus do during the cold wintery months when it is too frigid to comfortably swing padded swords at each other. The answer, simply, is that they are catching up on all of the television that they missed when they were fighting underneath the hot sun. Which is why you can expect the South Quad to be all but empty on March 31st. 8.) Not Having to Deal With Underclassmen at Kam’s: We realize that Kam’s going 21 and over is like totally lame, and such a drag, man, but if you’re over 21 then you’re just sitting at home wondering what everyone’s bickering about. For the adults of Champaign, the only thing greater than Kam’s going 21+ is the image of how packed with sluts Red Lion will become.

A Dash of Drunk

and a Whole Lot of Revenge Jecky Bacobs wrote this There’s an endless supply of numbskulls in history. You know, those gents who fill you with rage just with a glimpse of their egotistic, sorely sarcastic faces. Frankly, these nitwits could be defeated much more effectively with far fewer repercussions. Jabs of a sword result in far too many life imprisonments. Instead, replace shots from guns with shots of alcohol to deal with these assholes. Brutus would’ve silenced Caesar much easier without the whole traitor image plaguing him. Seriously, if the Drunkbusters had been around in historical times, history books would be a lot more interesting with drunken quotes and pleas to be free of hangovers. Who are the Drunkbusters? They’re a small group of men who’ve made it their mission to be rid of drunken assholes in whichever bar they enter. No, really, these men truly exist! The Drunkbusters are not to be confused with the fictional Ghostbusters, who tackle a completely different animal. The Drunkbusters know exactly what to do in a situation like the following. The Situation: A cocky man with a bowl cut sits across from you and your pals at the bar. He is loud, obnoxious, and thinks he invented the “Why did the chicken cross the road?” joke. Bartenders roll their eyes whenever he waves them over for another anecdote of his Family Guy-inspired life. In the midst of trying to pick fights with any guy at least a half-inch taller than him, he drops his pen for any passing girl to pick up and reenact Legally Blonde’s “bend and snap” maneuver. Enough is enough. This douchebag must go. All you have to do is follow a three-step plan: Step 1 – Team up with the bartenders: Call one over and address the elephant in the room. Sure enough, the bartender will agree that this guy makes them want to smash every bottle in the bar over their own head to escape the sight of the drunken fool. Instruct your newfound buddy that you are going to order a series of shots to be sent to the targeted jerk. This will probably result in either the bartender hugging you, professing his love to you, or creating a wickedly awesome

handshake with you. Not sure which one is the best. Step 2 – Send over the shots: Send a shot of Wild Turkey. Nod at the fool to emanate a false sense of brotherhood and generosity. After he downs that, send him a shot of Peach Schnapps. Now is the perfect time for a “guy nod” to say, “Hey bud. I’m the one paying for you to get drunk. Isn’t this fantastic?” While the recipe is being carried out, it is important to show your victim that you’re not a pansy. Call over your BFF bartender and instruct them to give you shots of water each time you send a shot to your naïve target. This is your time to shine and win an Oscar. Squint your eyes and let out a breath through your puckered lips after each sip. Keep yourself sober for now. There is a mission to complete, man! This isn’t some kind of Call of Duty faux mission. This is real life combat, bar style. And there’s no respawning if you fail, just a few more hours of Mr. Hot Shot ruining your night.

7.) Unofficial 2013: Also known as Christmas for alcoholics, Unofficial is just about the greatest holiday ever devised. Because if a day can outshine New Year’s Eve in terms of binge drinking, you know you’ve got something good on your hands. 6.) Not Having a Football Season: The great deceased Harvey Dent once said, “The night is darkest just before the dawn.” But when it comes to U of I football, the question to ask is, “Why is night lasting a decade?” We don’t know the answer to that question, but we do know that we’re desperately waiting for next season to just be over with already. 5.) Kony 2013: Last year’s attempts might not have worked out exactly as planned, but there’s always this year to stop that child killer dude that no one really cares about. If everyone continues to send money to shady companies and guys who like to whack off in public, then there’s nothing that we can’t accomplish! 4.) March Madness: As of right now, it’s pretty exciting to think that Illini basketball actually stands a chance in the tournament this year. Instead of filling out brackets with eeny, meeny, miny, moe like every other season, now every Illinois student can confidently write us in at least to the Sweet Sixteen. Anything beyond that would be a miracle. 3.) Wendy’s Opening: Although it’ll probably have a line out the door for two straight weeks, having a Wendy’s on campus is the greatest thing to happen to the university since Zook was fired. With Sliders gone, the niche for quick and delicious burgers and fries has been left wide open. And then there’s the obvious advantage of grabbing a chocolate Frosty on the way to lecture… 2.) Moms Weekend: The one time of the school year that the campus population gets a little bit hotter. Seeing drunk MILFs stumble around campus all weekend with their equally attractive daughters makes this weekend an absolute blast. Mom pool party, anyone?

Resume your recipe by offering a shot of tequila, followed by another Wild Turkey. By this time your victim won’t know his right from his left, let alone his gender. Sit back and watch him stumble out of the bar. He mimics a game of pinball as he bounces back and forth on the walls. Step 3 – Celebrate: Celebrate your victory over the bar douche Monty Python style. Tap glasses together and dance around pretending to ride your “horses” home from battle. Do some jumpin-the-air high fives with the bartender. Heck, even high five your wallet because this foolproof recipe only cost you five bucks. This was one small step for man, one giant leap backwards for drunken kind. When you exit the bar, there is a 99.999% chance your defeated dummy will be sprawled in a snow bank just outside the door. That is where the Drunkbusters leave your victim’s fate in your hands. Go forth, Drunkbusters in training, and unleash your power on the poor souls who dare disturb your night out.

1.) One Year Anniversary of Red Lion Poop Girl: About a year ago, a legend was made. This year, in honor of her heroic efforts, everyone should go and get as shitfaced as poo-ssible. Make sure you wear your green lace panties and smile pretty when the cameras go off. If you’re about to be an Internet sensation, then you might as well look good, right?

uiuc staff wrote this

page 10

theblacksheeponline.com

Point/Counterpoint: Pay for Booze or Pay your Bills black sheep staff wrote this So winter has totally been a dick and actually showed up this year (Take that, Al Gore - Global Warming is a myth) and it’s starting to get quite chilly in the good ole I-L-L. This also means classes have just begun and the dynamic duo of professors and textbook publishers has effectively price-gouged poor students’ eyes out, and many of us are finding ourselves in quite the frozen pickle (and no, we don’t mean the sex act). We’re here to help and, since our loyal readership knows our advice is as good as Goldschlager, we give to you a point-counterpoint to help you discern what to spend your money on this winter. Point: If you don’t use your last fifty clams to pay your Ameren Energy bill your heat might get shut off. If your heat gets shut off you might lose a testicle or breasticle to frostbite. Counterpoint: They don’t actually shut off your heat for like, what, fifteen days or something, right? Anyway, who cares how cold you are on the outside when you have an internal Cosby sweater made of yummy yummy booze to keep you warm? Point: You might need an Internet connection to get your class work done on time as well as providing material to effectively masturbate to (yeah, we know your imagination isn’t as morally depraved as the Internet). You should probably forgo a weekend of drinking and pay that bill. Counterpoint: What the hell are you paying a small fortune every semester for if you can’t take advantage of free Wi-Fi in every building on campus? Screw Comcast and AT&T; just hit up the Union and get that shit done, then go home and use the smart phone Mom and Dad still pay for to either sext a sexual companion or download some material to j.o. to. Point: Your flimsy pretense of “movie night” with that hot piece of ass from your accounting class seems kind of sketchy if they realize you don’t have electricity. Counterpoint: HA! Or you might enjoy a candle-lit dinner of take-out food. Plus, the post-dinner excuses to curl up under the blankets and keep warm! Plus, if they’re not feeling the whole “darkand-cold” scene there’s always the whiskey option! Point: How will you shower and maintain personal hygiene if you don’t pay your water bill? Counterpoint: Don’t maintain personal hygiene, just maintain being drunk - the musk of blood and booze is way better than the smell of being freshly showered, so, yeah, fuck showering. Point: Good luck throwing an awesome welcome back banger with no lights, no music, and no heat. Counterpoint: Just move the party to the neighbors’ place. They can’t say no if you show up with six

handles and a keg! Well, they could say no at that point, but that would make them dicks. Point: Paying your utilities would be the responsible decision to make in this situation. Counterpoint: There will be plenty of time for “responsibility,” “car insurance,“ and “soberness” once you graduate and become a corporate bitch. You’re in college—your only responsibility is to be irresponsible. Point: Your microwave won’t work if you decide to buy booze instead of paying bills. Counterpoint: Wh-wh-whaaatt, hold the phone! Okay, shit, you should probably pay that bill. What is life without microwaves? That’s not a life I want to live; that is for certain.

If you don’t start following us... YOU WON’T KNOW WHAT’S SO DAMN FUNNY.

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The Bar Grid Page 1 of 3 SATURDAY! SKRILL vs. NECTAR! Music by two of the heaviest hitters in dubstep spun by MELLOW and SEVLO $3 Bass Bombs!

SUNDAY! No School on Monday! $2 U CALL IT! $3 TOP SHELF U CALL IT Special Guest DJ

Friday! Outbound Drive $5, 10pm

EMANCIPATOR with MUX MOOL and TOR

$2 Wells $2 Malibu Rum

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

$1 Wells, $2 SoCo Lime Shots $2.50 SoCo, Jack Daniels & Tuaca Mixers, $3 Long Islands $4 Domestic Pitchers

CALIFORNIA WIVES with THE DECADENTS and SHADOW ON A RIVER

DOLLAR WELLS! $2 RED BULL VODKAS $2 BUD LIGHT BOTTLES $3 TOP SHELF U CALL IT

Whistle Pigs $5, 9:30pm

FRIDAY 1/18

$1 Cherry & O Bombs $2 Jäger Bombs, $2 Wells, $3 Three Olives Vodka Mixers, $3 Signature Shots, $7 Domestic Pitchers, $2.50 Bud Light Bottles

Pyramid Productions BACK TO SCHOOL PARTY

Happy Hour Food Special 5pm-9pm - $3 PIZZAS! $3 THREE OLIVES VODKA, $3 JAGER BOMBS, $3 BUD LIGHT BOTTLES, $3 TULLAMORE DEW

Outbound Drive $5, 10pm

SATURDAY 1/19

Open at 11am! $1 Cherry & O Bombs, $2Jäger Bombs, $2 Wells, $3 Bacardi Mixers, $7 Domestic Pitchers, $2.50 Bud Light Bottles

$3 VEGAS BOMBS $3 JIM BEAM $3 CAPTAIN MORGAN $5 PATRON SHOTS

Closed For a Private Party Book yours by calling us at 3982688 or emailing info@cowboy-monkey.com Big Dave's Trivia Night FREE | 7:30PM! $1 Miller High Life Drafts | $2 Miller Lite Drafts | $2 Jameson Shots $5 Red Bull Vodkas | $5 Nacho

SPECIAL NIGHT

January Beer of the Month! Goose Island Mild Winter $3 Pints / $4 20 oz. Drafts Plus $3 Jack Daniel's or Jameson Shots & Drinks, $4 Grand Marnier Shots & Drinks Every Day!

WEDNESDAY 1/16

$0.15 Wings 8pm Til They're Gone! $1.50 High Life Bottles $2 Flavored Long Island $2 Jager Bombs

THURSDAY 1/17

Free till 10:30pm - $5 All Night - Dress up as Skrillex or Bassnectar and get in free!

SKRILL vs. NECTAR! Music by two of the heaviest hitters in dubstep spun by MELLOW and SEVLO $3 Bass Bombs! Free till 10:30pm - $5 All Night - Dress up as Skrillex or Bassnectar and get in free!

SUNDAY 1/20

Closed

** Closed **

No School on Monday! $2 U CALL IT! $3 TOP SHELF U CALL IT Special Guest DJ

MONDAY 1/21

MASON JAR MONDAY! $3 Bud Light and Budweiser Drafts $3 Double Wells $3 Double Jack and Double Soco

MONDAY NIGHT HOUSE PARTY Open Mic with JAMES MOORE till 11pm, Live Music by the HEROIC CHARADE after 11pm $1 Slices from Manolos - No Cover!

$2 Wells

Book Your Private Party by calling us at 398-2688 or emailing info@cowboy-monkey.com

TUESDAY 1/22

CRAFT BEER NIGHT! $2 Wells, $2 Micro Drafts $3 Import Drafts $2 Shot of the Week

PIANO MAN Playing all your favorites! $2 Real Strong Island Iced Teas No Cover!

WINE NIGHT $2 Wells, $8 Bottles of Wine $8 Bottles of Champagne $2 Goose Island 312 Bottles

Open Mic Night - Free! Sign-Up Starts at 9:30pm

WEDNESDAY 1/23

FREE WINGS!!!! 8pm Til They're Gone! $1.50 High Life Bottles $2 Flavored Long Island $2 Jager Bombs

THE SOUL REBELS: Pre Mardi Gras Party (Early Show!) OPEN DECKS with DJ MELLOW (Late Show!) DJ Battle to open for CHERUB!

$2 Wells $2 Malibu Rum

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

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Bicycle and Scooter Storage Convenient Grocery Store Tanning

Green Street Café 35 E. Green Street

SPECIAL NIGHT

Saturday! HAWKS SEASON OPENER! 2pm Hawks vs Kings Red Beer on Tap - In Honor of the Hawks! - WIN BLACKHAWKS TICKETS! - $7 Bud Light Pitchers $3 Rumple & Goldschlager Shots

WED. 1/16

Liquid Courage KARAOKE Every Wednesday at 10pm $1 SHOTS - $2 UV Vodka Bud Light MUG NIGHT You Keep the 25oz Glass Mug!

The Great Cover Up! 1/19, 1/20, 1/22, 1/24 25+ Local CU Bands, Each Acting as a Tribute Band!

New food menu coming soon Celebrate Syllabus Week at Joe's with all your friends

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken

The Felice Brothers! Doors at 7:30pm, $12 Old School Night After! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!

Try a $3 Firechuck $2 Root Beer Floats 1/2 off our seasonal food specials

FRIDAY: $3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy’s Open Mic Wednesdays, Special Night Come Play! $5.50 Jager Bombs Happy Hour $1 off all Appetizers and ½ off all Hookah’s (at GSC2) from 6-8 every day. $7.95 Fish Sandwich Free pool during happy hour!!! 35 E. Green Street

Open Mic Night! Wednesday Great specials, OPEN MIC Night Come play music $2.50 Corona for your friends! $2.50 Jager Bombs $3 Strong Islands

THURSDAY 1/17

HALF PRICE WHISKEY NIGHT! $2 Evan - $2.50 JACK - $2.50 Jameson - Every Whiskey in the House is 1/2 OFF! - $2.50 Three Olives Vodka - $3 Jager Bombs Half Price Burgers from 7:30pm-10pm

$2 Domestic Bottles $4 ICB’s $3 Imports and Specialty Beers $3 Cherry Bombs $4 Pitchers of Bud and Coors Light

$3.50 White Russians $3 Any Draft $7.50 Italian Beef

Book a Party or Special Event! 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gmail.com

$2 Bud Lt Drafts $2 Jager Bombs 1/2 Price Burgers

FRIDAY 1/18

$3.99 Haus Fries $5 Bud Light 40's $3 Captain or Beam $3 Vegas Bombs $5 Patron Shots

$1 Off All Bourbons $2 Miller Bottles $3 Jager Bombs $3 All Octoberfest Beers $4 Strong Islands

$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy’s $5.50 Jager Bombs $7.95 Fish Sandwich

DJ Delayney After! $4 Double Wells Free Entry before 10:30 w/ Student ID

Special Early Bird Party Specials: B-Days, Super Bowl, Exchanges, Mardi Gras, Just B/C

SATURDAY 1/19

HAWKS SEASON OPENER! 2pm Hawks vs Kings Red Beer on Tap - In Honor of the Hawks! - WIN BLACKHAWKS TICKETS! - $7 Bud Light Pitchers $3 Rumple & Goldschlager Shots

$1 Off All Bourbons $2 Miller Bottles $3 Jager Bombs $3 All Octoberfest Beers $4 Strong Islands

Catch all the NCAA and NBA Action at Guido's!

$2 Drafts $3 All Dr’s $4 Oh Yeah’s

NFL Action! $3 Vodka Red Bulls $5 Coors Light & Miller Light Pitchers $5 Nachos

MONDAY 1/21

$2 Bud Drafts $3 Any Import/Craft Beer $2 Long Islands, $2 Cruzan Rum $15 Bud Light Hydrants HALF PRICE APPETIZERS 4-9pm

$2 Coors and Miller Light Pints $3 Cherry bombs $3 Vodka RB $4 Double Vodka RB

$3 Jameson $2 Coors Light and Miller Light Draft 1/2 Off Apps (After 5pm) $7.50 BBQ Pork Sandwich

TUESDAY 1/22

Time Warp Tuesday Live DJ Playing the Best of the 90's! $2.99 Cheeseburger & Chips 4-9pm $2 Wells - $2 Fireball Shots HALF PRICE SHARKBOWLS $5 Bud Light Pitchers

Karaoke Night $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Marky Bombs $4 Strong Islands

$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells $7.50 Roast Beef and Cheddar Melt

WED. 1/23

Liquid Courage KARAOKE Every Wednesday at 10pm $1 SHOTS - $2 UV Vodka Bud Light MUG NIGHT You Keep the 25oz Glass Mug!

Open Mic Night! Great specials, Come play music for your friends!

SUNDAY 1/20

$2 ANYTHING in the HOUSE

Every Liquor..Every Domestic Beer

NFL Championship Games 1pm 49ers vs Falcons 5pm Patriots vs Ravens 9pm Blackhawks vs Coyotes

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken

The Great Cover Up 22A 25+ Local CU Bands, Each Acting as a Tribute Band! $7, 3 & 4-day passes also available

The Great Cover Up 22B 25+ Local CU Bands, Each Acting as a Tribute Band! $7, 3 & 4-day passes also available

80s Night Has Moved to Cowboy Monkey!

The Great Cover Up 22C 25+ Local CU Bands, Each Acting as a Tribute Band! $7, 3 & 4-day passes also available

Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!

$6 Lunch Box Pitchers 1/2 Price Burgers $2 Jager Barrels

NFL all day No School Tomorrow Dance Floor Open #BestSFEver

MNJ $2 Bud Light Platinums $2 Blue Kamikazes

Tequila Tuesday $2 Cuervo Shots and Sunrises 90's 90's 90's Try a $3 Firechuck $2 Root Beer Floats 1/2 off our seasonal food specials

BECAUSE YOU ALWAYS WANT MORE Download our MOBILE APP! DOWNLOAD FOR iPHONE DOWNLOAD FOR ANDROID The BarGrid Page 3 of 3

$1.50 Bud/Bud Lt. Bottles $2.50 Bacardi Drinks Party with the Bud Girls

$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors

IL vs. NW at 7PM $2 Lite/Coors Lt. 16oz Bottle/Cans $3 Absolut and Jameson Drinks Free Shuttle to the Game DJ Spinning the Victory Party

SATURDAY Frat Potion Night! $3 Bacardi Drinks & Bombs $3 Jager Bombs $3 American Honey Whiskey

School of Beer $2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles $2 22oz Miller Lt., Coors Lt., and Hamms

$5.50 Bacon Mega Cheeseburger w/ Fries! Logo Glass Night w/ $4 Pints and $2 Refills Upcoming Logos: Nov 7 Hamm's Premium, Nov 14: Coors Light NFL

PITCHER NIGHT! $3 Natty Light Pitchers $5 Well Pitchers Including UV Vodka, Evan Williams & Sailor Jerry

$5 Bacardi Doubles $2.50 Jameson Singles $2.50 B.L. Platinum, Corona, Red Stripe, Hieneken, Stella Bottles

SHACKER NIGHT $2 UV Vodka, $5 24oz SHACKERS, $3 Tullamore Dew Shots $2.50 Fireball Shots $2.50 Bud Light Bottles

Open at 5pm $1 Fratty Natty Bottles $1 Burnetts Whipped Vodka $3 Vegas Bombs $3 Jim Beam

FRI. 1/18

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

Homemade Chili and Seasonal Soups Now Available!

THURS. 1/17

Try Our New Pool Tables!

THURSDAY: MEME GLASS NIGHT! Collect Them All!

WED. 1/16

Saturday - Monday $2 U Call Its (Wells, Drafts, Calls, Bottles)

SPECIAL NIGHT

DOWNTOWN 1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)

KAM'S

Meme Glass Night! Challenge Accepted!

Collect Them All!

$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

$2.50 Captain and Cuervo Drinks $2 Dr. Shots $2 Lite/Coors Lt. Bottles Party w/ the Captain Girls

BIG FRIDAY! $4 32oz Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms

$5.50 Bacon Q Ch. Burger w/ FF $2.50 Dr. McGuillicuddy Shots $5 Skyy, Wild Turkey, Beam Dbls $2.25 Leinenkugels, Killians, Michelob Amber, & Shock Top Pints $2.75 Murphy’s Pub Stout Pints $7.50 Coor’s Light, Miller Lite, Bud & Bud Light Pitchers

$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

Hawks Season Opener! $2 U Call Its (Wells, Drafts, Calls, Bottles)

Little Saturday... because BIG FRIDAY kicked your Butt $2 Coors Light Bottles $7 Pitchers of Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms

$5.50 Mushroom MEGA Ch. Burger w/ FF $2.50 Dr. & Rum Chata Shots, $5 Bacardi & Jameson Doubles, $2.25 Miller Lite, Coor’s Light, Bud, & Bud Light Pints, $2.75 Murphy’s Pub Stout Pints, $7.50 Leine, Killians, Mich. Amber, & Shock Top Pitchers

Frat Potion Night! $3 Bacardi Drinks & Bombs $3 Jager Bombs $3 American Honey Whiskey

SAT. 1/19

$2 U Call Its (Wells, Drafts, Calls, Bottles)

Sunday Funday! $3 All Drafts

Trivia Night! $4 Well Doubles FREE FRIES! $1.50 Dekuyper Burst Shots $6 Bud, Bud Lt., Miller Lite, & Coor’s Light Pitchers

DOLLAR PARTY! $1 Fatty Natty Bottles $1 Burnett's Vodka $2 U CALL IT

SUN. 1/20

$1.50 High Life Drafts! $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

$2 U Call Its (Wells, Drafts, Calls, Bottles)

"Beer Lovers Night" $2 All Domestics $ 3.25 All Imports

Karaoke Night! $5.50 Mega Cheeseburger w/ Fries $4.00 Long Islands

Mardi Gras Mondays! $1 U CALL IT, $2 Red Bull Vodka's Everyone Gets Beads! Person with the most beads at the end of the night wins a party!

MON. 1/21

1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)

Country Night! $1.50 Jim Beam and Red Stag $1.50 Lite Drafts, $3 Blue Guys IL at Nebraska 7PM

Ride the Rail $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms Drafts $3.25 All Other Drafts

MARTINI NIGHT! $2.25 Wild Turkey or Jim Beam Singles, $4.50 Pinnacle Doubles $2 Old Style, PBR, and Schlitz Tall Boys $2.25 Dr. McGillicuddy Shots

HALF PRICE WHISKEY NIGHT $2.50 UV Bombs

TUES. 1/22

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

$1.50 Bud/Bud Lt. Bottles $2.50 Bacardi Drinks Party with the Bud Girls

School of Beer $2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles $2 22oz Miller Lt., Coors Lt., and Hamms

$5.50 Bacon Mega Cheeseburger w/ Fries! Logo Glass Night w/ $4 Pints and $2 Refills Upcoming Logos: Nov 7 Hamm's Premium, Nov 14: Coors Light NFL

PITCHER NIGHT! $3 Natty Light Pitchers $5 Well Pitchers Including UV Vodka, Evan Williams & Sailor Jerry

WED. 1/23

$2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells $5 Personal Pizzas with 2 Toppings $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

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bartender of the week Bartender nickname: Fanch Daddy

Bartender nickname: Sled.

Relationship Status: Taken

Relationship status: Contagious.

Favorite drink: 312

Passion: Anal.

Sexual fantasy: performing a Hot Carl on Anthony Carlsen

Biggest Secret: I gave poop girl a laxative that night.

What are you going to do after graduation: Getting’ physical at physical therapy school.

Biggest fear: Herpes… It’s for life. Your penis’ name: Route 66, it’s long and narrow.

Biggest fear: Public urinals.

Favorite snack: Muff…ins.

Favorite sexual position: Abstinence.

Biggest turn on: Geo’s 5-Piece.

Best pick up line: “Did you sit on sugar? Because your ass is sweet. Biggest turn on: Taylor Swift's hair.

sean f.

Biggest turn off: Short hair.

the red lion

theblacksheeponline.com

Hidden talent: singing 80s rock ballads.

the drinking game:

Best place to get a blow job: Forbes Hall room 225.

shawn l.

murphy's

Future invention: Plan B Pez dispenser. Twitter name: Sledly. Campus Crush: Ginger Snookie.

recipe for disaster:

drinking

Inferno Walking Tacos

This week we will look at a game as old as booze itself. It is both the simplest and most entertaining of games, and it is easy enough to play almost anywhere. We’re talking of course of the game simply known as “drinking.”

Too exhausted from last night’s 3 a.m. booty call? Too entranced by Aqua Teen Hunger Force to get off your lazy ass and make real food? Well, The Black Sheep has the perfect recipe for that lazy Sunday, or Monday, or any day of the week for that matter.

What You’ll Need: Booze and preferably a friend to drink with. Number of Players: As many as you damn well please. Level of Intoxication: That depends on you. How to Play: Take one drink when: - You feel like drinking. - You feel like you haven’t had a drink in a while. - You’re really in the mood for more beer. Take another drink when: - You inevitably fail at hitting on the super hot chick at the bar. - You realize you’ve already spent more than $15 and it’s only 9.

- Your roommate hits you up for yet another round. - You want to increase your dance skills. Finish your drink when: - You run into your ex with his or her new significant other. - Someone really annoying comes up to you and you need an excuse to get away. - You really have to pee and don’t want to bring your drink into the nasty bathroom. - You want the courage to send a sexy email to your super hot TA.

Game Ends When: Either you pass out or feel intense bouts of shame and remorse. With all that fancy-shmancy technology we have these days, sometimes we forget about the ol’ classic fun our relatives had many years before us. Time to raise a glass to Grandpa Joe; he’d be proud of you tonight.

download our app for all of our drinking games!

What You’ll Need: 6 little Fritos bags, 1 can of chili, lettuce, tomatoes, cheese, onions, sour cream, and your favorite hot sauce. Cook Time: About 5 minutes. Fatty Factor: It’s such a good laxative that it’s like negative calories! Let’s Get Baked: - Pour the can of chili into a container with a lid and heat it in the microwave for 2 to 3 minutes. - Open the bags of Fritos and dump some in the chili. - Mix in the lettuce, cheese, tomatoes, onions and whatever other ingredients you love to put on your tacos. - Liberally add hot sauce to the container. Just dump the whole bottle in there. - Put on the lid and shake vigorously. - Grab a spoon or a bag of chips and go to town. You now have a delicious, extremely unhealthy bag full of Meatwad for you to enjoy while he’s on the television.

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booze of the week

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Booze Review: Crown Royal Maple Whisky | grade: b Overview: This isn’t just any regular bottle of whisky. It came nestled inside a drawstring bag (like something out of a pirate movie) enclosed in a shiny, red and gold box. It only cost $25, but a lot of that money must have gone toward the packaging. And the delicious maple flavored whisky inside made it well worth the cost. History: The current president of France, François Hollande, appointed Jean-Marc Ayrault as Prime Minister of the Republic, much to the dismay of Pierre de Bourbon. Pierre hails from a long, royal bloodline dating back to the Capetian dynasty, which included famous kings like Henry IV and Louis XIV. With such a rich history, Pierre and his cronies believed it would be an easy slide into the political seat but were shocked by the president’s decision. Pierre knew he was destined to make a name for himself in France, so he snuck into the basement of the prime minister’s residence and began his own whisky distillery. This new hobby also eased the pains of political loss by providing Pierre with as much alcohol as he could ever want. After spending months alone, only sneaking out at night to get supplies, Pierre began selling his delicious beverage to citizens of Paris disguised in old coin sacks with gold embroidery. His signature flavor was a dash of vanilla and maple syrup, something that the people of France had never before experienced. Just when Pierre started to gain financial suc-

cess, the government guards discovered his lair in the basement and confiscated all of his belongings. Pierre was hanged the next morning on national television because of his breaking and entering and overall treason. The prime minister wanted the product out of the country, as it was now a shame to the people of France. With that, Pierre’s maple whisky was sent in masses to Canada, another product that is a disappointment to the French. Since then, Pierre’s Crown Royal Maple Whisky is the last remaining memory of his life and his royal bloodline. Typical Drinkers: Toothless hockey players, Les Miserables fans, ignorant Americans, breakfast enthusiasts, and Sum 41. User Comments: “I wonder how this would taste on pancakes…” “This makes me feel as French as Justin Bieber.” “Here, just try it straight, it’s not that strong. Just really thick.” “Ew, why would you mix this with Sprite?” Conclusion: If you’re not into breakfast foods and thick syrups, then maybe Crown Royal Maple isn’t for you. Mixed with Coke, it’s a sweet twist to the usual bar beverage. But after a while of drinking it on the rocks, you might experience slight tooth decay and a sugar rush.

Best Mixer: coke • Worst Mixer: waffles

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From the Streets

Dances with Squirrels

a Doomed Freshman’s Survival Log tex mex wrote this Campus police were alarmed upon discovering a frost-encrusted corpse nested deep within the Morrow Plots earlier this week. Leaving a trail of decaying experimental corn crops behind him, the deceased student was found clutching a UIUC Student Planner in one hand and an assortment of leftover Quad Day pens from overly-specific RSOs in the other. Upon reviewing the planner, it appeared that the student, whose carcass was now a late-winter home for chipper squirrels, was a freshman of the university’s 2016 class. Rigor mortis caused the student’s left arm to snap off while confiscating the planner, which is to be used as evidence for his expulsion trial in front of the University’s Administrative Council for disrupting the corn’s growing patterns. The student’s name has been withheld for privacy concerns.

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How do you stay warm in the winter? "I just give up shaving my legs for a few months." - Allison H., Sophomore

Selections from: The Survival Journal Dying Words of [NAME WITHHELD] Day 1, 12/21/12 For anyone who may be reading this, my name is [NAME WITHHELD] or @DanielBrown, for those of you in the Twittersphere. Finals have just ended, and ISR has closed for break. In a fit of dimwittedness on my part, and my parents’ inability/lack of desire to fly me back home to Florida, I am to remain on campus for the duration of break. I find myself without shelter from the cold, harsh winter (the weather will supposedly reach the 20s come next week … though surely this is a jest). The doorman of the residence hall flipped me off and laughed maniacally whilst performing a jig right in front of me when I asked him to unlock the door. I’ll have to wait this out. Day 5, 12/25/12 It’s Christmas Day, and I haven’t eaten a thing or opened a single present. With an empty bank account, dead phone battery, and no place of refuge, I’ve been forced to fend off waves of frenzied squirrels for their acorns and other hoarded foods. The nuts aren’t bad, save the fact that most of my teeth have cracked off in the process. In a bout of desperate shamelessness, I tried breaking into Illini Tower’s dining hall to throw together a makeshift Christmas meal. Before even coming close to the frozen ham scraps (the hall’s doors were wide open, oddly enough), a rabid IT manager chased me away holding a binding contract for an RA position. I may still be hungry, but I at least escaped with my life. Day 9, 12/29/12 If Cthulhu was supposed to be responsible for the world ending a week ago, then he picked a real good date to be a fucking tease. For the past few days I’ve been living inside Noyes, which seems to be the only habitable escape from the frigid wasteland. The water from the already sparse snow have barely been enough to keep me hydrated. The squirrels who have gained my trust (turns out there’s a civil war going on right now – I’ve sided with the Loyalists) tell me that the piss and vomit secretions within the walls of Kam’s can be siphoned for nutrients. Regrettably, I had to tell my squirrel brethren that I am under

21. I fear I am growing delusional, and mirages of signs outside of Illini Inn stating, “NO SERIOUSLY WE’RE OPEN PLEASE COME IN … PLEASE” continue to haunt me. Day 11, 12/31/12 Not only can I tell that I’ve lost an unsafe amount of weight this past week, my body has entered the primary stages of alcohol withdrawal. Waking up these past Sundays without a hangover was something strange to me as I contemplate how I was able to remain sober for the past eighteen years of my existence. While making my usual round on Green Street today to find any other survivors, I walked past several scantily clad women talking about the New Year’s bash at Red Lion. One figment offered me a drink just outside of the bar, asking me why I was wearing a tattered Northface and smelling of weeks-old feces. Fools, I thought. If they weren’t just figments of my deteriorating imagination, they’d drop dead in their high-heeled tracks. There’s no one here. It’s just me, Colonel Nutzen, and his armada in the trees on the Quad. Day 17, 1/6/13 I can go on no longer. With the rebellion’s victory against the squirrel/single human alliance, I have since been banished from my furry comrades to what they call “the Plot of Judgment” where I am to await my persecution at the scratchy hands of the tribunal. As I lay on the placid but unforgiving soil, I can’t help but to think that this piece of land is familiar to me. Dearest reader, should you pry this log from my soon-to-be lifeless, 3.97 GPA clutches, I pass on this legacy to you, for if you lay exactly where I do … the bell tower in the South Quad totally looks like a penis.

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This employee was not the only person to share a glimmer of hope. Many others, especially those staffing nearby businesses like Subway and the Illini Union Bookstore, are optimistic that the famous “Kam’s stench” will weaken in intensity with the recent age change. Subway employee Laura Burg said, “It was a rough smell to pass by every day, and it’s even worse when you’re working right next to it during a five-hour shift, especially coupled with that 'Subway smell.' Maybe with having fewer customers who are likely to unknowingly piss themselves, the stench will dissipate naturally. Although I have been seeing a lot of old people going in there lately, and it’s not like they smell any better." The Champaign Police Department will still continue to check up on the bar every so often, making sure to question any bar patron who looks like they could still be in high school. Officer James Kennedy thinks this is the first step in a total alcohol cleanse from the university grounds. “Next stop: Unofficial,” he grunted before proceeding to flip the bird in a 360-degree style to the entire campus. The downside, and one sad story in particular, comes from recentlyturned nineteen year old Joseph Fletcher. “Everyone in my family went to U of I. My mom, my dad, their parents, everyone. When I got in, it was the happiest day of their lives,” he spoke solemnly, lowering his eyes. “Their first bar was Kam’s. My dad even got a OPHJ from my mom there. It was supposed to be my first bar, and they promised it would be the home of my first OPHJ, too. It was going to be the first place I went when I came back in January. Now I have to wait until the age changes again so I can go in and live out this dream. So much for having a social life this semester.” Fletcher said that he plans on spending a lot of time in Silver Mine Subs, waiting for the day that he can finally enter Kam’s. “It’s just a total letdown right now. I’m such a disappointment to my family.” Hopefully this semester is the first and last time many members of the student body will be without Kam’s, as it is such a remarkable, fantastic place to spend drunken evenings. From us at The Black Sheep, to our underage staff members: SCREW YOU GUYS, THE REST OF US ARE STILL GOING.

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by: quinn

DA14 The Western World’s First Gene Therapy Goes on Sale The Event: Dutch biotech uniQure’s Glybera will become commercially available, providing gene therapy to treat lipoprotein lipase deficiency (LPLD), an extremely rare inherited disorder affecting the metabolism of fat particles. How can we selfishly make this about us?: Gene therapy might just be the future of medicine as we know it. It physically alters the fundamental material that tells our cells how to function, and could potentially provide cures to some of humankind’s most detrimental diseases. But we’re not quite there yet, so who cares? Just like global warming, we should spend more time arguing whether or not humans should tinker with God’s creation. In fact, until uniQure can replace our short, fat, and brunette genes, let’s not give a shit about it. In other words, if a man was born to die of LPLD, then that’s what he was put on this Earth to do… until we can alter our genes to have powerful sex organs, then we shall not agree with uniQure and its evil plans to white-wash America.

The Event: On February 15, 2013, the DA14 asteroid is predicted to narrowly sweep past Earth. The 45-meter, 130,000 metric ton asteroid will blow by us at 21, 200 miles from the center-point of Earth, with an uncertainty region of about 0.000001 AU (150 km; 93 mi). How can we selfishly make this about us?:"Uncertainty region" is certainly a sexy term. In this random universe anything can happen, and we feeble humans just have to bend over, grab our ankles, and take it. Might this near-Earth asteroid randomly be coerced by unknown forces of the universe, and take a path to knock Earth of its axis, killing us all? Or will Jesus whisk off into space on a silver surfboard and push it away? Only time can tell, but one thing's for sure - you want to make sure everyone within your online social reach knows that you know the asteroid isn't going to hit (because of science or surfboard Jesus)… but you're going to party like it is AnYwAy!~! #DA14 #NearDeath #JesusPushedtheAsteroidAway

Royal Baby Born The Event: Kate Middleton and whichever royal breeder is plugging her are passing on their blessed genes! Surely this baby will be left to grow up in a private, loving home like the rest of us, it won't throw itself off of the London Bridge at the ripe age of 14 on national television! How can we selfishly make this about us?: How dare we suggest that someone else's baby isn't primarily about us in the first place? This baby is will be a real life princess or prince! Our generation barely knew Princess Diana, and now we have our chance to become psychotically possessive of someone else's life. This baby is ours, America, and if we can't destroy the English monarchy with war, we shall tear it down by shoving our fat faces into every aspect of this baby's life. We will vote on the baby's name (deeming him/her Oprah no matter what), witness his/her first kiss, and ultimately steer the royal family back to what they do best - have sex with each other until years of incest rot away their genetic makeup.

The Wide Commercial Use of Highly Flexible Touch Sensors The Event: 2013 is predicted to be the year we start to see our computing technology evolve to be flexible - with a phone that wraps around your wrist as the desired endpoint. How can we selfishly make this about us?: Our grandparents would never have dreamed of carrying the sort of computing power we do in their pockets. Yet, how do we respond to having an infinite amount of information at our fingertips? Immediately start complaining about the Facebook app loading too slowly, or carelessly dropping it into on the ground as we stream porn in the bathroom stall at work. Of course we'll welcome our computers being able to bend into a wrist accessory, but we'll all inevitably grow bored with this groundbreaking technology and wonder why the computer is still a physical thing, and not a chip implanted into our brain. Why do we have to still look at something to watch porn? Why aren't we to the point where we can stream it on the back of my eyelids yet!? We thought this was 2013, not 2003!

Solar Flares Will Disrupt the Earth's Magnetosphere The Event: The sun will reach its solar maximum this year - the period of greatest activity in its 11-year solar cycle. Because of the low level of activity in recent years there is a build up of energy, with large "solar storms" hitting Earth's magnetosphere strong enough to disrupt electronic systems on Earth. How can we selfishly make this about us?: Despite the fact that the solar flares could potentially alter the banking system and hospital equipment, we'll all inevitably complain more about our phone batteries not charging as we sleep, and GPS devices leading us to Taco Bell instead of the nearest strip club. Sure, we could take this phenomenon to realize there are bigger external forces that alter our lives than WiFi and sex, becoming a little less dependent on our machines and a little more interested in the frailty of human life and our relationships. But we won't, and our faces will stay glued to our phones as we mash the refresh button like apes until the internet checks back in.

we interview: We interviewed Ryan North, creator of the online Dinosaur Comics, writer of Adventure Time comics, and eventually a choose-your-own-adventure Hamlet book. He is the self-described “final boss of the internet,” so follow him on Twitter @ryanqnorth! By Brendan The Black Sheep: So you went to college for Computer Science, did you start the comic out of college or in college? Ryan North: I did undergrad in Computer Science and started the Dinosaur Comics in my final year. Then I did a graduate degree in computation linguistics, and continued the comic during that time. When I graduated I had the choice of getting a real job or doing comics on the internet, and the internet comic thing seemed like it would be more fun. TBS: With that in mind, what was the decision like -- did you understand the risk, did you look at it as kind of "this is my one shot to do this"? RN: Yeah, actually it was a really easy decision, because when a cartoonist decides to go full time that means they have to quit their day job, but all I had to do was fail to get a job. It was easy because the easiest choice was the most fun choice. TBS: Since then you've branched out to a bunch of different things -- designing other web comics and other projects. When you go after these things, how do you choose to do it? RN: It takes me about three hours to write a comic, which seems like a lot for six panels, but it takes that long to get to the point where I'm happy with it. So when I started doing comics full time, I’d be done around noon, and have the whole afternoon off - so I was like, “Yeah! Spring break full time!” But after a couple weeks of that, I started to be like "Oh no, I'm wasting my life.” But Oh No Robot came out of me saying “Wow! This is something that can solve a problem for web comics, and something I can do in the afternoon that would be computer science-y,” which I enjoyed also - you know, helping out both myself and other cartoonists. So seeing something that could be done better and doing it, but also selfishly just needing to feel more productive than I am. TBS: Dinosaur Comics, do you find the 6 panels are a continual challenge? RN: In one sense it's like a haiku, where you have these constructions and you work within it - and that gives you some advantages, like you're not facing a blank sheet of paper in the morning. I know my comic today will probably have T-Rex in it to some degree, because it's always those same six images, but at the same time you're thinking how can you spend ten years with the same six images, this is brutal, it's reptilian. But they're really flexible, which is great -- if I put "Meanwhile in Tudor England" above one of the panels, that changes the visual narrative of the strip and it starts telling different stories and having characters off panel that interact with the main characters, which makes it flexible, and seemingly easier. TBS: The Adventure Time comic is very stylistically different from what you've been doing, how do you switch voices between the two? RN: I think it helps that the characters from each comic like T-Rex from Dinosaur Comics and Jake from

the big three

entertainment-y things to keep your eye out for.

broken city In Theaters January 18th

Hey, it's a Mark Wahlberg action film! Russell Crowe stars as the mayor of New York City, a man who hires Wahlberg (a disgraced ex-cop with an innate anger problem) to help him identify his wife's lover, that bitch. Scandalous situations simmer up, supposedly surrounding sex and stuff.

toro y moi - anything in return out January 22nd

Chaz Bundwick, better known as Toro y Moi, graces us yet again with his low key dance beats on Anything in Return. Bundwick describes his latest album as just him having fun, music that his "girlfriend would dance to, or something." Yeah, guys, or something, so let's keep the vibes chill around here, okay?

africa January 22nd at 10p.m. on discovery

From the makers of Planet Earth, Frozen Planet and Life comes another epic documentary that shows us that rhinos and giraffes really do live complex, interesting lives outside of the zoo. The third installment of the seven part series shows us the country of Congo, and how life is, like, real in the rain forest.

ryan north Adventure Time, are very distinct characters with really clear voices, so it's not hard to write them. You know it's not like I sit down and I say, “Alright here's a funny joke, now is it a T-Rex joke or is this a Finn and Jake joke?” It's more, I'm writing for Finn and Jake and then suggest the different sorts of jokes for each character. TBS: Moving onto your Kickstarter project To Be or Not To Be: That is the Adventure choose your own adventure play on Hamlet that blew up, what was the inspiration behind that? RN: It was totally the title that caught me - because I thought "Wow, that's structured like a choice, like in those little choose your adventure books!” Then I thought “Oh my gosh, I have to write this." And there is a lot in Hamlet that is well suited for the adventure book format - he has a very clear goal to kill the bad guy, and when you do the story is over. And there’re other easy translations like the play within a play easily becomes a book within a book. TBS: The Kickstarter campaign raised a bunch of money, why do that instead of going to a publisher? RN: The thing with going to a publisher is you have to say, "Hey Mr. publisher I've written this chooseyour-own path version of Hamlet, so stay with me it's going to be great, but I want every ending illustrated and it's going to cost you thousands of dollars to print this. But trust me it will be really cool!" which a lot of publishers won't go for. But you go to Kickstarter and say the same thing, and only ask that people put up $20 and get the book, and you can watch it grow. We started with just black and white book with a thirty pictures, but as we made more money it became full color with over 110 pictures. So it let the book be better than what it would've otherwise been, which I think is a really powerful thing. TBS: One of the over-arching things that have been in this conversation has been you betting on yourself and winning - have you experienced and large-scale setbacks? RN: There is a truism of writing that says, "If you want to write something good you have to write a bunch of bad things first and get them out of your system," but I feel what's actually happening is that your initial writing will be bad - like if you look at the first couple years of Dinosaur Comics, I wouldn't put those comics online now because I wouldn't be happy with them. Like, when I put the first comic out, it was just me and my mom reading the comic -- and then my mom stopped -- I feel like if I had the objective measure to say "Is this a successful comic?" Well for the first couple years it wasn't! But I wasn't doing it for the success I was doing it because I enjoyed writing a comic and I wanted to see what I could do with it. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. That doesn’t mean it's a failure and you have to move onto the next thing - it means "Well, that didn't work, we learned something from this, and we better adapted, or learned the lessons we learned to do something new" I feel like labeling your different projects as failures or not failures is a little bit harsh, and sort of writes off the failure stuff, when really there is something good in there that you can recycle and make into something better.

the

riddle!

Can you figure out the question we're asking in this riddle? Do you know the answer to said question? You do!? Get outta here! Someone get this guy a drink! Send the question and answer to riddle@theblacksheeponline.com and if you're right, you'll get a prize.

the madlib: back to school It seems like it was just yesterday you were packing up your things and heading back to __1__ to enjoy a month-long break. You were determined to relax, promising yourself that you’d __2__ one __3__ every day you were home. Well, that didn’t happen. First your __4__ began berating you for showing up at home with so much __5__. Doesn’t she understand that it’s really expensive to do it at school? Then your __6__ asked why you reek of __7__, like there’s a good way to answer that question in front of the parents.

Deciding you need a break from all that nonsense, you head over __8__’s house, knowing he’ll be down to __9__ some __10__. You walk into his house and the whole family is sobbing; apparently his __11__suddenly __12__. Now you’re telling him everything is going to be __13__, but you really, really just want to go to __14__ and __15__. Of course things continue to get worse. A few days later you find out that __16__, the ex- you still quietly lust over, is now dating __17__. You still despise __18__ for __19__ on your __20__ as a joke your __21__year of high

school. Nothing really got worse through Christmas, but New Year’s saw the ultimate shitstorm come crashing ashore. After __22__ ditched you at a __23__ you decided to head home. When you walked in you heard a shriek. A naked, quivering mass of flesh was on the couch. It was your __24__, with __25__ on top. Then, on top of both of them was a __26__. You immediately started __27__ and __28__, though you’re not sure which one came first. So yeah, thank god you’re back at school.

1) Your hometown 2) Verb 3) Noun 4) Female family member 5) Noun 6) Different family member than 4 7) Libation 8) Male friend’s name 9) Verb 10) Noun 11) Pet 12) Verb (past tense) 13) Adjective 14) Location

15) Verb 16) Name 17) Name of nemesis 18) Same as 16 19) Verb (-ing) 20) Body part 21)Year in high school 22) Name 23) Inopportune location 24) Family member 25) Family member 26) Animal 27) Verb (-ing) 28) Verb (-ing)

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