Illinois Greek Reunion Issue by The Black Sheep

The Black Sheep

A P FREE! EEK JUS UN T LIK DER E T NEA AKI TH NG A TO GA

Vol. 24, Issue S2

THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE

7/10/14 - 7/31/14

HIDE THE GEEDS… IT’S GREEK REUNION! KATIE GOT BANDZ WROTE THIS After two months of hanging out in their parents’ basements, endless Netflix binge sessions, and countless rounds of “I don’t know, what do you want to do today?” with their friends, UIUC Greeks are anxiously returning to campus for a weekend reunion. Luckily for those Greeks concerned with enduring this weekend, The Black Sheep has developed a fool-proof survival guide to get through Greek Reunion. Issue 1: Supplies These are some items that are absolutely essential for any Greek Reunion: - Flasks (Feel free to mix ‘n’ match liquors here; there’s a reason why Pinnacle comes in flavors.) - Solo cups (Red, unless you’re really slumming it.) - Ping pong balls - Keystone Light or Natty Light (Coors Light too if you want a trifecta.) - Advil - Eggs to throw at geeds. - A good lawyer (Optional, but you never know, bro.) Issue 2: Law Enforcement Champaign cops are notorious for raiding bars and ticketing students, so during this summer weekend, the police will be having a field day looking out for belligerent minors. Here is what to do when approached by an oﬃcer: - Stay calm. Pigs smell fear. - Start crying. Cops are people too; they have a basic understanding of human

emotion. - Throwing in some sort of false family tragedy is a good way to get the sympathy juices flowing. - Distract them. If you’re with a forgiving friend, have them distract the oﬃcer and then book it. - If all else fails, just say that you’re an innocent little geed who wandered into the wrong park. Issue 3: Running Out of Alcohol Since Greek Reunion is essentially one giant binge-drinking fest, it’s imperative that no frat house or party goes dry. If the alcohol does run out, be sure to adhere to these rules: - Get to the nearest liquor store immediately. Get there any way you can, whether by camel or by sprinting faster than Forrest Gump, just get there. - Once you are at the liquor store, frantically sprint through the aisles grabbing what you need. Remember, this is an emergency, and you and your brothers and sisters are sobering up by the second. - Avoid good booze at all costs. People don’t like Burnett’s or Keystone? Who cares? This is Greek Reunion and the shittier the alcohol, the better. - Burn the liquor store down when leaving. Issue 4: Encountering Geeds Because it’s Greek Reunion, no dirty geeds should be in sight. They’re supposed to be inside cowering with fear

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under their periodic table bed-sheets, avoiding social interaction. But if a geed does have the audacity to go out in public, be sure to do the following: - Circle the geed like lions circling a zebra. They are your prey, and you have to use as much fear and intimidation as you can so that they feel trapped. - Get your group of friends to block the geed in, whether that’s trapping them in a corner or forming a ring around

them, no one lets the geed escape. No one. - As mentioned above in the essential items list, eggs are necessary to throw at the geeds. Once you have them cornered, pelt them with the eggs, covering them head to toe. - Make sure to scream insults in their face; that will teach them to never set foot on Greek turf again. - Once they have sustained enough

emotional abuse, let them go back into the wild. It’s a jungle out there, and the geeds need to know where they sit on the food chain. With this survival guide in hand, anyone can survive and have a successful Greek Reunion. Stay safe and be smart, but most importantly make it a weekend to remember (which no one probably will, *high-five, bro*.)

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DISCLAIMER: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

PITCHFORK ANAGRAM CONTEST

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AROUND CAMPUS

THE

TOP

TEN

WAYS TO GET READY FOR SCHOOL JUPITER STEVENS WROTE THIS

Summer is winding down pretty fast and let’s face it, since last semester, the only reason you’ve left your couch is to use the bathroom or steal another beer from your dad’s minifridge. You’ll have to get back into the routine of college life, so The Black Sheep put together a list of things you can do over the next few weeks to help get you back on track for the fall semester. 10.) Go buy 60 more notebooks: That stack of spiral notebooks in your closet has been growing for the past 15 years, but somehow you still convince yourself that you need to buy 10 more each semester. Hurry and get some more! The summer’s almost over.

Every UIUC Summer Course Now Condensed to One Day SQUIRREL MAN WROTE THIS Taking summer classes is like giving head: you do it out of obligation and you want to get it done as fast as possible. That’s why several universities, including U of I, offer summer courses that last only a matter of weeks. Many students think it’s weird to take a midterm just two weeks after starting a class, but they claim it’s “better than spending the whole goddamn summer actually learning.” And this year, UIUC’s newly announced Summer Session III courses are more expedient than ever, as each one lasts merely a day. “It’s an ideal system for those of us who just want to get easy, bullshit credits,” said James Norton, who enrolled in an Intro to Films class this summer. “Yesterday I woke up, watched The Godfather and Citizen Kane, looked up the meaning of those movies on Wikipedia, and wrote two papers that made me sound like I knew what I was talking about. Today, I have another three credit hours under my belt.” These one-day summer courses allow students to receive education faster than ever before. The typical class has three lectures, and each one is taught by an audio recording of a professor that’s sped up to 10 times the regular speed. The first midterm is usually at 10 a.m., the second one is a little after lunch, and the final exam is completed in time for dinner. Amazingly, that’s all the time you really need to teach a whole course. Given the rapid pace of the courses, students tend to fail day-long classes the first time they take them. Luckily, these courses are offered on a daily basis, so if a student bombs the class one day, they can pass it the next. As one student explained: “I just show up for the tests and I keep retaking them until I get a passing grade. They can only randomize a Scranton so many times, right? There’s about forty-two days left of summer before next semester. I can be patient.” Under this system, a U of I student could feasibly earn an entire degree within one summer. If you took a new class every day, you could complete your core requirements within two or three weeks, and the next couple of weeks after that would be full of different gen-eds. One day you’ll be taking a course on race and cultural diversity, the next day you’ll take one on the oceans, and then graduate with the same levels of unretained knowledge as equally lazy four-year students. Perhaps the most popular of the day-long courses is Intro to Gender and Women’s Studies. Every day, students with minimal prior knowledge of gender relations take a crash course on the complex (and highly sensitive) subject by skimming through an assortment of social justice warrior Tumblrs for a few hours, and by the end of the day, they’re experts on it. These students know everything there is to know about sexism and gender inequality and have the three to four social science credit hours to prove it. It’s no secret that summer classes are good for quick credit hours for students who’ve realized they’re not going to graduate on time. U of I’s bold step toward condensing semester-long courses into just one day is being regarded as a fantastic way for students to bullshit through college even after their post-junior year super-senior scare. After all, education isn’t only about knowledge; it’s also about getting your lazy ass out into the real world where you can get a job. And if all that stands in your way of doing that is four credit hours, you may as well rush it.

9.) Smell cow shit for 30 minutes each day: You’ve got to get used to the smell of the rustic in Champaign-Urbana again (“rustic” is another word for “shit”). Stick your head in a garbage bag full of feces for a half hour every day to make sure you don’t vomit when you step out of the car for the first time this fall. 8.) Watch the History Channel: You need to get your brain working again and retrain it to do more than let you know you’re hungry again. Start watching some History Channel shows and get thinking on the tough questions. Q: Are aliens real? A: Yes, under the circumstances you say they are and aggressively deny anyone who says otherwise. Now you’re back in the more academically inclined Big Ten swing of things! 7.) Mix pancake batter, ketchup and Gatorade in a blender and eat it: It’s inevitable that you’re going to wind up at Fat Sandwich sometime during Syllabus Week, so you better get used to the taste. Grab whatever you can find in your cabinets, mash it together and take a bite. Ah, that’s that stuff ... welcome home. 6.) Renew your Netflix account: Now it’s time to prepare for the real part of the school year: slacking off. Sign back up for Netflix and Hulu Plus to make sure you never see the inside of a textbook for as long as possible. If you’re going to blow off your course work with hundreds of hours of mindlessly clicking “Next Episode,” at least do it in style. Barely-legal streaming sites are ugly as shit. 5.) Cover your eyes and run across traffic: This will get you ready for pedestrian life in CU again, intersection at Green and Wright be damned. By not looking and sporadically darting across a busy intersection, you’ll retrain your mind to welcome the feelings of danger and entitlement. 4.) Register for classes: Oh SHIT. You were supposed to do this last semester. No worries, though, you can always squeeze into a few communications classes and switch your major. Problem solved. 3.) Listen to EDM with noise-canceling headphones and talk to a friend: You might tell yourself you’re not going out to the bars as much this semester, but everyone knows you’ll be tearing up the dance floor at Joe’s before you realize you’re back in Champaign. Get used to hanging out at the bars by having a conversation with a friend with headphones on and trying to guess everything they’re saying to you. This will also help you get back into the habit of nodding your head in disingenuous acknowledgment. 2.) Start using Facebook in public: You can’t be clicking on every link you see when you’re in the middle of class. You’ll end up clicking on a loud ad or some porn that weird kid from high school just shared on your newsfeed. Censure your clicks and get back into the habit of reading before opening every little thing you see. 1.) Talk to a baby: This will help you when it comes to talking to people on Green Street at 3 a.m. If you can’t hold a conversation with a drooling infant, there’s no way you’ll be able to direct that stumbling girl back to AZD.

UNCONVENTIONALLY THRILLING ROUTES

FROM THE SUBURBS TO U OF I WINNIE BAGO WROTE THIS

The drive from the suburbs to U of I is abysmal, and the drive for students from northern Illinois lucky enough to not live in the suburbs don’t have it much better. The drive is flat with no scenery. When there’s finally a curve in the highway or a stretch with no farmland, it’s an occasion worthy of having a day dedicated to it by Mayor Gerard. For the poor souls who have to make the drive back to school this fall on I-39, I-74 and I-55, here are alternative routes to make the drive a bit less dreadful. Disclaimer: These routes are insanely more fun, but may take significantly longer to get from point A to point B. Like, several hours longer. Waterway Illinois: Forget traveling by car! Get a tan and flow down rivers to Champaign. Steal a rich person’s boat, attempt to learn how to drive it, and oﬀ you go. If you’re the more adventurous

type, inflate some tubes to float down the river. Be sure to blow up enough tubes to carry your belongings and a cooler full of Coors Light to keep them hydrated, and tie all the tubes together. Take the Des Plaines River to the Illinois River to the Sangamon River, and you’re there! Though, if you accidentally flow further down south, don’t fret. If anything, you’ll fit right in down there. Railroad Odyssey: Riding the Amtrak to U of I is way too boring. Instead, get fit and walk the railroad line back to school. Wear durable shoes since the jagged rocks and broken glass will hurt your feet after a while. Also, put those eyes in the back of your head to make sure there aren’t any immediate freight trains or angry drifters in sight. If you really want people to stare, bring a train whistle along to let towns know you’re coming through. Pick up pennies squished on the rails to save up

some laundry money. Drop in From Above: You’re already daring enough to steal a rich person’s boat, so you should be hot-blooded enough to free-fall thousands of feet in the air. Make a trip down to the Illinois Skydiving Center, only twenty minutes north of the university. You might wonder why you wouldn’t just make the rest of the short drive to the CU, but you don’t want your friends thinking you’re even lamer than they thought, do you? Instead, gear up for a skydiving session and convince the pilot to take a route that will conveniently fly over the Quad. Once Foellinger is in view, jump out of the plane with your skydiving instructor and land in style on the quad … or against the Illini Union if the wind isn’t in your favor. Go Underground: Bored of what the trip looks like above ground? Then explore what it looks like underground! You don’t

have to dig a tunnel all the way to China to travel. Go about halfway and pop up in the Altgeld basement instead; it seems like the creepiest, most-fitting spot to emerge. If you end up in the steam tunnels, God help you, you’ll be expelled so fast, you won’t even be able to say, “urban legend.” Hot Lava Highway: If you must travel on the highway for some unthinkable reason, treat the highway as if you’re playing the most dangerously thrilling game of “the floor is lava.” That means you cannot use your own car to get to school. Pack extremely lightly (only what you can literally carry on your back) and hop

on car roofs. Move quickly, or you could fall between the cracks and be run over. Or, if you really have to be that much of a pansy about it, drive on any surrounding patch of land that isn’t the highway. At least give the poor students on the more traditional back-to-school route something interesting to look at. Driving back to school doesn’t have to be boring. Add these routes to your U of I bucket list to spice up the commute between home and school. Driving on the highway is meant for mom and dad. True Illini embrace the full college experience, ballsy travel methods included.

KAM’S KASTAWAYS: SETH ROGEN & JAMES FRANCO’S SANCTUARY PAUL MOONEY WROTE THIS In the hopes of escaping the wrath of Kim Jong Un, Seth Rogen and James Franco have taken refuge in Champaign. Following the debut trailer of their new movie, The Interview, Rogen and Franco became the targets in an international game of hide-and-seek after the North Korean dictator observed it as an actual assassination scheme. Reports indicate the two actors were placed under the supervision of the U.S. Marshals Service after the FBI received a tip that undercover North Korean soldiers had illegally entered the United States. Oﬃcials declined to place Rogen and Franco into the Witness Protection Program after discovering a safe place that no one would dare enter, not even the North Koreans. Sources indicate the celebrities have been placed in the men’s bathroom at Kam’s until further notice. While Kam’s is one of the most popular bars on campus and attracts many patrons, those frequenting the establishment avoid the bathrooms by

any means necessary, making it ideal for hiding wanted celebrities. Due to the classified nature of the case, Rogen and Franco could not be reached for any comments on their situation. However, taking advice from his previous movie, 127 Hours, Franco has been recording himself over the past few weeks, along with Rogen, in order to communicate with the world without exposing themselves to North Korean assassins. The following is the transcript of a video excerpt sent in by UIUC senior Jake Donald, who discovered the tape upon drunkenly entering the bathroom to pee on the wall: “Hey, it’s James. It’s been 17 days now and to be honest, 127 hours and losing an arm seems more appealing than the mess I’ve currently gotten myself into. I don’t know, man, I think we took it too far this time. I’ve been consistently drunk for about two weeks …the only drink the bartenders serve are Blue Guys and I’m tired of eating stale Jimmy John’s that people leave on the ground from the night before. I should’ve listened to my

brother when he told me how much of a shithole this place is. I swear I’m losing my mind …every time I hear Seth’s shitty, throaty laugh I just want to gauge out my …what, Seth? No …I was just talking to myself …” Fortunately for the actors in hiding, summer break has diverted attention away from the college town, protecting their concealment. The only students aware of the situation are Chambana’s townies who have taken advantage of its exclusivity. “It’s not like we can see them, but just being in the vicinity finally makes me cooler than the students who come from out-of-town,” said townie and local Brothers Wing Night connoisseur Daniel Nert. “I barely got a glimpse of Baby Franco and McLovin this past spring. Now, I’m the one who gets to say I stood by a door that James Franco and Seth Rogen hid from North Korean hitmen behind. Who’s cool now?!”

While it seems oﬃcials have no strong leads on the whereabouts of the illegal North Koreans, they did receive a correspondence that they believe to be in Korean: “¿¹, ¿ì¸®´Â ¹Ì±¹¿¡ ÀÖÁö¸¸ ¿ì¸®´Â Á¦ÀÓ½º ÇÁ¶ûÄÚ¿Í ¼¼½º ·Î°ÕÀ» Ã£°í ÀÖÁö ¾Ê´Ù. ¿ì¸®´Â ¼ÖÁ÷È÷ ±×μéÀÌ ´©±ºÁö ¸ð¸£°Å³ª ÀÌ·¯ÇÑ ¼Ò¹®ÀÌ ¾îμð¿¡¼ ¿À´ÂÁö. ¿ì¸®´Â μðÁî´Ï ·£μå¿Í ²Ü ¿ì¿ì ¿ì¿ì¸¦º¸°í ½Í¾ú¾î¿ä. ¿ì¸®ÀÇ ÈÞ°¡ ÀÏ±îÁö ¶§ ¿ì¸®´Â ºÏÇÑÀ¸·Î μ¹¾Æ°©´Ï´Ù.” Officials are urging anyone who can read Korean to please step forward

and translate this correspondence in order to assist the FBI in detaining these individuals. When asked for a statement, FBI Director James Comey replied, “We are hopeful that we can return James and Seth to Hollywood by the time school year begins in the fall. It’s devastating that they have to live in such third world conditions, but we keep assuring them this experience will train them for more mature roles in the future. Maybe roles that won’t get them killed.”

NOW LEASING FOR FALL 2014 LMOCUALTTIIOPLNES! 1,2,3,4 AND 5 BEDROOM APARTMENTS ON CAMPUS 2-10 BEDROOM HOUSES AVAILABLE

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A SAVINGS OF $325! HURRY, SPACE IS LIMITED! PURE POOL PARTY! SATURDAY, JULY 19th AT NOON

SPECIAL NIGHT

SATURDAY 7/12 SUMMER BAE BASH featuring KYRAL X BANKO with Krucial, Bear Tooth, Airia and more!

SAT: $1 FIREBALL! with Chicago’s Hottest New DJ’s, CASUAL DJ’S! $3 Bud Lt. Aluminum Btls $3 Monster Energy Vegas Bombs

3rd Annal Rod Sickler Red Hot Summerfest July 24th - 26th feat. Beat Kitchen, The Surreal Deal, and more!

SUN: WORLD CUP FINALS at 2PM! Win a USA Jersey! $2 ANYTHING! Every Liquor...Every Beer! $3.99 for 10 Haus Wings!

FRIDAYS! DJ Delayney, $5 10pm - 2am

Friday: Best DJs for Greek Reunion! The Disco Fries (10pm) Papercha$er (8pm) Win and Woo (7pm)

Thursday

OK GO returns to the Canopy on 9/13 Tix on sale now!

BOOK YOUR NEXT PRIVATE PARTY or Football Block at The Clybourne! 217-722-9000 CochraneParty@gmail.com

3rd Annal Rod Sickler Red Hot Summerfest July 24th - 26th feat. Beat Kitchen, The Surreal Deal, and more!

$2 WELLS, $2 FIREBALL $4 Lime-A-Rita Pitchers 1/2 Price Burgers 7:30-10p NO COVER!

Risque Thursday! $3 Imports, $5 Long Islands, $5 Sex on the Beach

$2 Bud Light Drafts $2 Jager Bombs $2 Sex With Jimmy

Friday

Fall shows with GROUNDATION, DRIVE-BY TRUCKERS, TURNPIKE TROUBADOURS & more all on sale now!

GREEK REUNION! $2 WELLS

3rd Annal Rod Sickler Red Hot Summerfest July 24th - 26th feat. Beat Kitchen, The Surreal Deal, and more!

$6 Bud Light 40’s $3.99 HAUS FRIES $3 Jim Beam $3 Cuervo $3 Vegas Bombs

DJ Delayney, $5 10pm - 2am

DJs ALL NIGHT LONG: The Disco Fries (10pm) Papercha$er (8pm) Win and Woo (7pm)

Saturday

SUMMER BAE BASH featuring KYRAL X BANKO with Krucial, Bear Tooth, Airia and more!

$1 FIREBALL! with Chicago’s Hottest New DJ’s, CASUAL DJ’S! $3 Bud Lt. Aluminum Btls $3 Monster Energy Vegas Bombs

July 12th: Trails and Ways, FREE, 10:30pm July 19th: Abnormous, $5, 10pm, w/ The Duke of Uke

WORLD CUP Special Firehaus MUG NIGHT! You Keep the Mug, Last Chance! $3 Three Olives Vodka $3 Jager Bombs

De Noche! Free Salsa Dance Class at 9pm, Dancing til 2am! $6 Beer + Shot Combo, $3 Select Beers, $3 Rum + Cola

7/12: Open at 11AM! 1/2 Price Burgers ALL DAY MNJ - Greek Reunion Edition!

Sunday

CHALICE DUBS MASQUERADE returns on July 19th!

Big Dave's Trivia Night FREE, 7:30PM! $1 Miller High Life Drafts, $2 Miller Lite Drafts, $2 Jameson Shots $5 Red Bull Vodkas, $5 Nacho

WORLD CUP FINALS 2PM! Win a USA Jersey $2 ANYTHING! Every Liquor...Every Beer! $3.99 for 10 Haus Wings!

Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gmail.com

$11 Build Your Own Buckets $2 Jager Bombs

Monday

Book your party at the Canopy Club this fall! Contact Jamie at jamiew@jaytv.com for rates and info!

BOOK YOUR NEXT PRIVATE PARTY or Football Block at The Clybourne! 217-722-9000 CochraneParty@gmail.com

DJ Mingram, FREE! 10pm - 12am $3 Jameson and Absolut

POP CULTURE TRIVIA Starts at 7:30pm $1 Bud Light Drafts $3 Any Craft Beer $1 Silver Tequila 1/2 PRICE APPS 4-10pm

Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gmail.com

$2 Bud Light Platinums $2 Lime-a-ritas (Lime-a-rita, Straw-be-rita, Raz-be-rita, Mango-rita)

Tuesday

Be on the lookout for new concert announcements each week! Check out canopyclub.com!

BOOK YOUR NEXT PRIVATE PARTY or Football Block at The Clybourne! 217-722-9000 CochraneParty@gmail.com

Open Mic Night - Free! Sign-Up Starts at 9:30pm $1 Off All Drafts $3 Jameson Shots

$2 WELLS Half Price Sharkbowls $2 Hot Stuff $2.99 Cheeseburger and Side 4pm-10pm

Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gmail.com

$2 Blue Moon $2 Tequila $1 Jello Shots

Wed.

BAR GRID

Come find out why The Village is the best place to live in Champaign/Urbana • 217.353.6800 • villagecp.com

Tickets are on sale now for PORTER ROBINSON on 9/24! Get yours today! Bass in your face!

BOOK YOUR NEXT PRIVATE PARTY or Football Block at The Clybourne! 217-722-9000 CochraneParty@gmail.com

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

Bud Mug Night! You Keep the 25oz Glass Mug!

Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gmail.com

$2 Fireball $2 Redd’s $3 Redd Devils

If you don’t start following us... YOU WON’T KNOW WHAT’S SO DAMN FUNNY.

@BLACKSHEEP_UIUC Scan to go right to the page!

BAR GRID

KAM'S DOWNTOWN

New $6 Daily Lunch Special every Thursday

Saturday: Greek Reunion OUTDOOR PARTY! Starts at 11am! Waterslide - DJ’s All Day/Night STATUT3 from Spring Awakening Saturday Night!

WEDNESDAY! Karaoke Night! $7.50 Rum and Cola Pitchers, NEVER COVER!!!

SPECIAL NIGHT

Thirsty Thursday! $2 All Domestic Beers, $2 All Well Drinks

New Featured Special Every Week! Free Fries with any Sandwich, Wrap, & Burger $5 Jameson Doubles, $2.50 Specialty Craft Drafts & Bottles

SHACKER NIGHT! $5 SHACKERS with Monster Energy, $2 UV Vodka $2 Hot Stuff Shots $3 Bud Light Bottles

1/2 off Sandwiches after 4pm Das Boot! $3 Boot, $5 Fill All Drafts (except Guinness) $3 Jim, Jack and Soco, $2 Horse-Chata

Thursday

GREEK REUNION! Open at 5pm!

BIG FRIDAY!

$5.50/$4.50 32 oz. Mighty Mug of Domestic Crafts, $4 Jager Bomb, $3 Angry Orchard & Sam Adams Family Pints, $2.50 Shots of Jose Cuervo, Paddy Devil's Apple & MALORT

$1 FATTY NATTY BOTTLES

DJ’s Start at 5pm with Habib Beats, KRUCIAL Friday Night!

1/2 Off German Sausage Meals After 4PM $2.50 Coronas $3.50 Bacardi Flavors

Friday

SOLO CUP SATURDAY!

$6/5 32 oz. Mighty Mug of Specialty Crafts, $5 Jameson Double, $4 Jager Bomb, $2.5 Shots of Fireball, Orchata & MALORT

GREEK REUNION Outdoor Party Starts at 11am! Waterslide starts at 2:30pm in the New Beer Garden! (keep reading...)

1/2 Off Apps 3-9PM, $3 Crown, Captain, and 3-Olive Drinks, $3 U-Call-It Wells & Drafts

Saturday

Get Ready for XKrush Playing Live on Friday 7/18!

Sunday Funday! $3 All Drafts

$5.50 Pitchers of PBR & Hamms $5/4 32 oz. Mighty Mug of Domestic Draft, $4 Classic Margaritas, $2.50 Specialty Craft Drafts & Bottles, $2 Shots Jose Cuervo & Paddy Devil's Apple

Saturday: DJs All Day! Casual DJ’s & Habib Beats Saturday Night: from Spring Awakening DJ STATUT3

Closed

Sunday

$1.50 High Life Drafts! $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

Get Ready for XKrush Playing Live on Friday 7/18!

"Beer Lovers Night" $2.50 All Domestics $3.50 All Imports

$5.50 Pitchers of PBR & Hamms, $5/4 32 oz. Mighty Mug of Domestic Drafts $4 Long Islands $2 Shots of Fireball, Orchata & MALORT

Monday Night Lion $1 WELLS, $2 Sailor Jerry $3 MEV's (Monster Energy & Vodka)

Closed

Monday

1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)

Get Ready for XKrush Playing Live on Friday 7/18!

$2.50 Domestic Drafts $3.50 All Other Drafts

$5.50/$4.50 32 oz. Mighty Mug of Domestic Crafts, $2 MIxers of Skyy Vodka & Sailor Jerry Rum, $2.5 Specialty Craft Drafts & Bottles, $2 Shots of Jose Cuervo & Paddy Devil's Apple

SENIOR NIGHT! Must be 21 to Enter! $2 Long Islands

$2 U Call It! All Drafts and Wells!

Tuesday

1/2 Priced Drafts, $1.75 Wells and $2 Imports

Budtastic! $1.50 Bud Lt Bottles $4 3 Olives & Cuervo Drinks

$2.50 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles

$5.50 Pitchers of PBR & Hamms, $4 Jager Bombs, $2 Mixers of Skyy Vodka & Sailor Jerry Rum $2 Shots of Dr. McGillicuddy's, Fireball, & Jose Cuervo

$2 Sailor Jerry $2 Pinnacle Vodka $2 Cruzan Rum

Karaoke Night! $7.50 Rum and Cola Pitchers NEVER COVER!!!

Wed.

MONDAYS! $1.50 High Life Drafts! $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

Greek Reunion Weekend! $3 16 Bud Light, $3 Platinum, $6 Rita & Bud Lt. Pitchers, Fri: DJ Delicato Sat: DJ Earcandy

Thirsty Thursday! $2 All Domestic Beers, $2 All Well Drinks

$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors

Klub Kam’s! DJ Jimmy Heilenbach, 10pm $2 Lite/Coors Lt Bottles $3 Blue Guys

$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

Greek Reunion Weekend! $3 16 Bud Light, $3 Platinum, $6 Rita & Bud Lt. Pitchers DJ Delicato Spinning Live!

$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

Greek Reunion Weekend! $3 16 Bud Light, $3 Platinum, $6 Rita & Bud Lt. Pitchers DJ Earcandy Spinning Live!

$2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells, $5 Personal Pizzas with 2 Toppings $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

>> BLACK SHEEP OPINION <<

THE NEW MCDONALD’S SHOULD BE A PORTILLO’S

On the list of things loved by Chicagoans, after Michael Jordan and pretending to be Irish, there’s Portillo’s. If you’re reading this and don’t know what Portillo’s is, stop what you’re doing, pop open a 312 and start pronouncing your “A”s funny, you East Coast sack of shit. Portillo’s is a fast food chain with the best hot dogs and Italian beef in the entire world, plus a damn good chocolate cake milkshake. Since you’re from Chicago, you knew that already or you aren’t drinking that 312 fast enough. One of the great things about Portillo’s is that you can go to pretty much any of their 33 Illinois locations and the food tastes the same, unlike Uno’s Pizzeria whose nonChicago locations suck, forcing you to explain to non-Chicago people that the real Uno’s is not like the shitty stuﬀ you get in a movie theatre. Anyway, all Portillo’s are basically the same (except no one knows about the couple locations in LA and Phoenix. Whose idea were those, anyway?), and the food is super cheap.

THE GONZ WROTE THIS

Why does U of I need a Portillo’s, you ask? I can see that you didn’t read the previous paragraph, commie. Better yet, why do we need a McDonald’s? I can get a better burger at Joe’s and I’d rather have a Wendy’s Frosty than a McFlurry any day (by the way—Wendy’s— we have three of those). Want some fries? Firehaus. Not to mention Mickey D’s doesn’t serve beer. That’s right, my friends, Portillo’s

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serves beer and wine. Nothing beats a Chicago dog or an Italian beef paired with a frosty Goose Island. Now, I would like to speak to Dick Portillo directly: You could make a killing (St. Valentine’s Day style) by opening a restaurant down here and staying open after the bars close. It would be a better investment than buying an Illinois Senate seat from Blago. If you still need more convincing, (must be a dirty Hoosier...), then just consider the extreme lack of Chicago heritage going on at U of I. We have deep dish that faintly resembles Chicago-style, a burnt down gyro joint (mob involvement, I bet), zero Jewel-Oscos, no lake, only one baseball team, and absolutely no corruption in local politics outside of the Student Senate. The in-state students at U of I want something that reminds them of home, and before we start designating the Six Pack as the “South Side” and Campustown as the “East Side,” a little taste of Chicago will help bring back that frigid lake eﬀect. You won’t even need to put out a lawn chair to save your favorite parking spot. Quoting Richard M. Daley: “You go out there and ask them what their future is today. If we don’t build that today, there’s nothing.” Your future is a Portillo’s, not a McDonald’s, and we must build that future today, Champaign!

BARTENDERS of the WEEK

Steve OF Red Lion

Relationship Status: Taken...or whatever Major: Finance If you can’t go Greek…: You can go fuck yourself. What would you drink an entire baby pool of?: E.J.’s mother’s milk. Who is winning the summer so far?: Not the Delts. Describe Champaign in the summer in 3 words: Beer, tits, frat. What, besides pornography, would you be ashamed of someone finding in your browser history?: Cute animals. If you could say one thing to the incoming freshmen on orientation, what would it be?: “Wanna’ go home?” What’ll people be most thankful for when they get back to campus?: Not the Delts. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: ‘Cause I’m in it.

Lexi OF White Horse

Relationship Status: Hmm. Major: Undeclared If you can’t go Greek…: Go to White Ho’! What would you drink an entire baby pool of?: Angry Orchard Who is winning the summer so far?: Not me. Describe Champaign in the summer in 3 words: It’s townie takeover. What, besides pornography, would you be ashamed of someone finding in your browser history?: One Direction tickets. If you could say one thing to the incoming freshmen on orientation, what would it be?: “Go away.” What’ll people be most thankful for when they get back to campus?: Half-Price Burgers at Joe’s. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: ‘Cause it’s funny.

DRINKING GAME

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

Blackoutpalooza 2014

Post-Fourth Super Burger

Summer festivals have been well underway for the past couple of months now, but there are still plenty of heavy hitters left to experience. That also means summer’s inevitable end is on the horizon, and there are consequently several more crushingly embarrassing life mistakes to be made as well.

ally planned to see them. - The front man of the opening act is taking their 15-minute set way too seriously (e.g. smashing equipment, contorting on the ground, asking the crowd if they’re ready for some fucking MUSIC?!).

What You’ll Need: A carefully crotched flask for each player, whatever liquor(s) you’re most comfortable sneaking into the venue, a better alcohol tolerance than the surrounding high schoolers puking up the place. Number of Players: Unless you want to be that friend who’s “only there for the music, man,” this is one for the whole group. Level of Intoxication: “Actually getting a kick out of the early morning bands”-tier

Middle-of-the-Day Acts (Drink 2 times when…): - One of your friends already cracks and buys a pizza slice for $10. - The crowd for the one “obscure” act you wanted to see is massively overcrowded. - You hear any front man shout out “Hello, (festival name)!” from any distance. - Every time someone screams out a non-single from a band’s catalog that they will never in a million years play. -Drink another 2 if they end up playing it.

How to play: For the sake of both your enjoyment and wallet, it’s imperative to successfully smuggle your alcohol of choice into the venue. Once inside, take a swig as a metaphorical pat on the back (good job, champ). Opening Acts (Drink 1 time when…): - The opening act is a two-piece indie folk outfit. Drink once more if they’re a male/female duo or foreign. - Beads of sweat are already surfacing at 11:00 a.m. - The high school kids standing next to you still can’t believe how they snuck in their liquor/drugs. - The opening act talks about how “incredible” and “awesome” it is that “you guys came out this early” as if you actu-

Headliners (Drink 3 times when…): - (For distanced players) The Jumbotron shows tracking shots of the crowd instead of the band. - (For front row players) You hear the crack of one of your ribs against the front rail. - The high school kids standing next to you finally yak all over your shoes. - Every time you try to pull your suctioned leg from the ankle-deep mud to no avail. The Game Ends When: The festival’s over, or you have to quit early to take care of “Flower Power” over there. Doctor!

It’s been a week or so since Independence Day came upon us with the freedom and liberty of a thousand burger-and-beer-loaded cannons. For those of you wanting to end your week-old leftover streaks with a good ol’ American bang, rev that grill back up to prepare a monstrous burger so good you’d have to be a filthy commie to hate. What You’ll Need: 1 metric shitload of ground beef, whatever peppers or spices you frequent, 6-8 buns give or take, whatever leftover veggies and condiments your freeloading barbeque guests didn’t steal, 1 solid block of American cheese (if you opt for cheddar, you may as well grill wearing a red coat and an apron proudly proclaiming “GOD SAVE THE QUEEN”) Fatty Factor: America’s been slipping on the whole “most obese country in the world” thing lately. Time to reclaim the title. Let’s Get Baked: - Fire up the same grill you used on the Fourth to siphon charred bits of leftover freedom into the meat. - Once at a reasonable level of heat for cooking, plant the mother lode of ground beef onto the grill (temperature and size of meet are going to be very variable on this one). - Toss veggies like onions and mushrooms into

the mix as well if you’ve got some tin foil on hand. - Take the bottoms of the burger buns and try your best to link them together by shaping the bread to form a blanket shape. - When you’re done patty flipping, plop the block of cheese onto the beefy mountain. - Once the patty is cooked to your liking (if you like your ground beef even remotely cooked, this could take a while), use a few helping hands with spatulas to raise the sonofabitch onto the bun blanket. - Christen your super burger with the veggies and condiments of your liking. - Form a similar sort of bun blanket with the tops of the buns (might be more diﬃcult than the bottoms, but please don’t resort to staples or tape). - Decorate the top bun blanket with a ketchup and mustard painting of something patriotic (e.g. a burly George Washington kicking the shit out of George III, a bald eagle defecating on the USSR, etc.). - Launch any remaining fireworks. Honestly, you’d be hard-pressed to find a more American way to celebrate an average postFourth afternoon. If you feel the weight of the country’s pride resting on your shoulders, it’s probably going straight to your thighs soon.

THE BLACK SHEEP INTERVIEWS:

LAFFER OF DUB THOMPSON LOGAN BAILEY WROTE THIS

New lo-fi punks Dub Thompson are gearing up for their first national tour this summer to support their buzzing record 9 Songs. Drummer/co-songwriter Evan Laﬀer was kind enough to answer a few questions for The Black Sheep. The Black Sheep: How are you doing this afternoon? Evan Laﬀer: I’ve been good, just hanging out while Matt, my bandmate, is in Paris. TBS: Paris? Why Paris? EL: Just went out on a family vacation I think. TBS: How do you guys play? EL: We’re mostly a two piece when it comes to writing and recording, but our live band is a four to five piece. TBS: And how did the name come about? EL: It actually came from our vice principal in middle school whose names was Wolf Thompson. We shortened that to W. Thompson, and then W. to Dub Thompson.

TBS: You guys are originally from California, but you’ve recently moved to Brooklyn. What has that been like? EL: We are both from California but we split up when we went to school. I was in New York last semester for my freshman year at the New School for Drama actually. Matt was at a community college in California. But now we are both on a leave of absence from school. TBS: Oh wow, so you both actually went the college route? EL: Yeah, in our own ways. TBS: Did that hinder the band a bit? EL: Surprisingly, maybe even counter-intuitively, I think it strengthened the band a bit because when we were apart for so long it forced us to really look at creating things in a diﬀerent way. The long distance ended up being a blessing in that it prompted some new modes of operating for us. We would send a lot of stuﬀ back and forth online, cutting demos back and forth.

TBS: So some pretty early beginnings, you guys have known each other for quite a while? EL: Yes. Well, we weren’t too close until after we got really serious about being in this band. TBS: Did you two have an “Ah-ha” moment, or was it always just kind of like screw it, we’re just gonna do this head-on? EL: I think we both sensed that if we were going to do it we were planning to make sure it was going to be a real thing. We both have always had the innate drive to get shit done. But it wasn’t really until after we made this record and shopped it out to labels that we realized this was going to really get rolling.

directions, which I believe will be really good. TBS: Now for 9 Songs you two recorded in Bloomington, Indiana. How did that come about? EL: Yeah, we were invited by Jonathan Rado from Foxygen, a good friend of ours, to come to a little house he rented there. So we went there for maybe nine days with the intent of recording just a few songs and see what happens. It was only vaguely our mission to make an actual album on the onset. TBS: So you were just hoping that something might pan out? EL: Well, we knew we had enough material put together to at least record there, because we hadn’t cohesively done that yet –at least with a producer. So really it was totally on a whim. TBS: Did you two know exactly what it was you wanted to hear? Or did it unfold itself in the recording process? EL: I think we knew what we wanted to hear going in. I think we at least had the same ideas on what it would sound like, or at least what we wanted it to be. Of course the rushed nature of the whole trip, and the style of the recording which happened to be really distinctly lo-fidelity kind of shaped the ultimate sound of the record. TBS: Have you been playing any shows since the release of 9 Songs leading up to the tour? EL: We had one show recently, our record release show in the Origami Vinyl Store in LA. But really we haven’t been playing too much, we’re just kind of waiting to start this tour.

TBS: It seems that geography actually helped you guys along then? EL: Hopefully (laughs), I mean the next thing we are doing we are working on now is very diﬀerent than the last one and I think that having started that project separate from each other prompted some new

TBS: Now this record has garnered some pretty heavy buzz, how has that aﬀected your psyche moving forward? EL: I don’t know if either of us would call it heavy, but just that it has piqued some sort of interest is encouraging because we have some more ambitious plans moving forward.

THE BLACK SHEEP INTERVIEWS: LAFFER OF DUB THOMPSON TBS: I think I would say it is pretty heavy buzz. EL: Well that is rad, and that is my official statement on that (laughs). TBS: You are about to go on a national tour, is this your first time playing around the country? I can only imagine how that must feel. EL: It certainly is. And I don’t even know honestly how it feels yet. We have played plenty of shows around that have gotten us more comfortable with the process of traveling somewhere to play a gig and everything that comes with it. And in New York we did a stint of three or four shows a few months ago. It’s potentially over-whelming, but definitely exciting too. TBS: So what is the process of booking a tour like this? Do you guys have a say as to where you want to go? EL: Well we are lucky and have a very lovely team of managers and booking agents that have made it extremely easy for us, which is something we don’t have the sense for yet, and we trust that. TBS: Anywhere in particular you are looking forward to playing the most? EL: I’m really just looking forward to the whole experience playing places I’ve never been to, seeing how different the places we’ve never been to will be. It’ll be nice to go back to New York, I think, too because I have a lot of friends who never got to see us perform. TBS: What is it we can expect form Dub Thompson in the future? EL: We actually have another tour in the works already, so there’s that. And it is a bummer we didn’t get to play everywhere, but I would say that is likely in the future! TBS: Well thanks for taking the time to talk today man. We look forward to hearing any and everything about Dub Thompson in the future. EL: Thanks man, adios! Check out Dub Thompson’s tunes and tour dates on Twitter, Facebook, or their official site.

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LET’S PLAY SQUARES

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FILTHY GEEDS PLAN GEED REUNION BANANA BOY WROTE THIS With Greek Reunion approaching over the past month, the University of Illinois’ non-Greek population became jealous of the reported debauchery that would be occurring the weekend of July 11. A large and divided group, the GDIs have no leader, and at first it seemed that none would be able to bring them together for their Geed Reunion. But that was before John Newman took the reins. Newman, a junior GDI that spends most of his days watching The West Wing on Netflix and listening to crappy indie music, was tired of watching his GDI brethren take a back seat to the Greeks on campus. “I saw Greek Reunion as an opportunity to make it sort of an antiprom,” explained Newman. Anti-prom, as everyone knows, is an event that happens while all the cool kids that can get dates are at prom. At first, Newman wasn’t sure how he was going to be able to contact the thousands of geeds that crawl around

Champaign-Urbana looking for hope, but then he had a genius idea: He created various events on Facebook to attract the diﬀerent sects of GDIs. “Once I got the DDR group, slack lining group, and the long boarding groups all signed up for their various events, I invited them all to them to the main event,” Newman said with a smug grin on his face. However, with all these diﬀerent groups converging as one, Newman had to find events that could entice all the groups to stick together and show the Greeks who were the real kings of the campus. Newman stated that “we plan to hit all the big bars on campus: Illini Inn, Murphy’s, Brothers, and so on.” When asked if they would be stopping by Red Lion or Kam’s on their barcrawl, Newman’s face began twitching and he nearly vomited. “First off I can’t even hear myself talk in Lion, so how am I supposed to have a stimulating conversation with a lady, get her number, and then have some frat douche steal her from me if she can’t

understand a word I’m saying?” argued Newman. Newman also had some choice words for Kam’s, a Greek favorite. “That place smells like a frat guy’s STD-riddled balls. Why on earth would I go to that dump? And did you hear that those Blue Men they sell are $4?! Preposterous.” Olga Heberand, a geed going into her sophomore year, is quite excited for the first annual Geed Reunion. “I really think that it’s about time that we stand up together and show them that we aren’t a bunch of boners,” fiercely stated Heberand, stomping her foot to the ground. “They pay for their friends, we pay four times as much for drinks. Who’s the real winner? My two roommates and I are going to be my besties for life, and I didn’t pay a cent,” she proudly continued. A day later, reports trickled in that one of Heberand’s roommates started talking to her ex, and that she is now “done with that bitch.” Campus Greeks are not thrilled that geeds will be making an appearance

during their weekend, as fraternity member Ralph Wilson delicately put it, “Geeds? Here? On Greek Reunion? When are those fucking peasants going to learn their place and stay in the Union basement? That place is like the damn Twilight Zone, it gives me the heebiejeebies.” However, not all Greeks are so opposed to having geeds on campus over the weekend. “I’ll be honest, I’ve been looking for a nice geed to settle down with for a

while. Maybe this will be my chance to get lucky,” stated a fraternity member who implored us to remain anonymous. As the weekend quickly approaches, Newman has become increasingly nervous that his geed alliance will not be able to come together as one. But he has faith, and can only hope that his brainchild will translate into a “superfun weekend” filled with longboarding, cargo shorts, and throwing up in White Ho’s beer garden.

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