The Black Sheep
fr ee ... yo lik u et we el nt lin to g y fo ou ol r f r 's fe ien st ds .
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Volume 4, Issue 5 3/21/13 - 4/3/13
fool's fest: A Time-Honored Tradition sevin ketze wrote this
“Dierum Multorum Festum de Stulta Adultus-Filios,” translated literally to “The Many Days Festival of Foolish Adult-Children,” is a popular event that happens every year at Illinois State University. It began as a celebration designed to humble the masses, where rich and poor men alike would drink together and celebrate for days in the streets, but students nowadays choose to celebrate in the comfort of their own dorms and apartments, enjoying games like “Everybody shut the fuck up, I think I see cop headlights in the driveway” and “there's only like seven people here so I think I'm just gonna go home and play Halo.” Let's take a look back on the rich history of this wonderful holiday! Fool's Fest, as it's more commonly know, was founded in 1890 by beloved mayor Gerbert T. Herbert. In one of his famous “fireside chats” where he'd sit in his office alone and yell ideas at his fireplace, he said “there should be more holidays to get drunk on, 'cause right now we only have like six of those. Let's put something right after March so I can drink away the pain of wasting another month of my life in this town.” For the first thirty years, only males were allowed to celebrate Fool's Fest. When asked why women were excluded, Mayor Herbert explained “Sometimes you just gotta go clubbing with your boys. We make it illegal for women to come outside, so we can club the ones who do.” In fact, the town ordinance actually required every male over 18 to celebrate, and every boy 15-17 to serve on the “Vomit Brigade.” After thirty years of silently seething, as their gender is known for doing, women took action. Following the passage of the 19th Amendment guaranteeing women the right to vote, the predominantly female population of Normal voted to strike down the holiday, and in retaliation made alcohol illegal. Mayor Herbert responded by issuing an executive order to change the name of Fool's Fest to “Chicks Ruin Everything Day.” From 1920 to 1933, the holiday was celebrated in a drastically different way. 105-year-old Normal resident Ethyl Stone recalls her experience. “The men all spent Chicks Ruin Everything Day giving women the cold shoulder, doing things like saying 'nothing's wrong' whenever we'd ask what was wrong. I mean, CLEARLY something was wrong, but he just wouldn't say anything, and I even made meatloaf and put on a dress that left my neck and wrists bare, but he'd just sit there sulking and staring at the table,
Top 10: Tips for Finishing the Semester Strong This time you're really gonna crack down, get serious, and start....eh, screw it.
page 4
and I would worry and worry and wonder what was wrong that he couldn't tell his wife of 27 years about.” Once enough women were driven to insanity and committed to asylums, men became the majority gender and voted to strike prohibition down. Chicks Ruin Everything Day was moved to February 15th, and women still celebrate it to this day by thinking of something that happened on Valentine's Day, however small, to be mad about. From 1933 onward, Fool's Fest was celebrated in the traditional manner, except now women were permitted to join in the festivities. “This is pretty cool,” wrote opinion columnist Peter Dilbuns. “It's just like old days, but now I can get laid at the end of the night without anybody calling me gay.” But the unbroken streak
what'’s inside
was interrupted in 1980, when the town of Normal got so wrapped up in the “Who Shot J.R.” cliffhanger on Dallas that the entire population completely forgot about Fool's Fest. Celebrations did not resume until 2011, when a group of students tried to revive the holiday. But due to all seven of the ISU PD officers paroling the streets, many students feared going outside, and the revival was judged as a failure. Other than local time-traveler and notorious liar Xylbyzyxx Robochromium, nobody knows what lies in store for the future of Fool's Fest. But don't worry, because children are our future, and parents can make their kids do whatever they want. So swap out Junior's juice box for a jungle juice box, give him a nice non-sexual pat on the butt, and send him out in the world to help bring this party into the 21.2nd century.
The 200th Annual Fool's Fest Parade
Students Unsure if Fool's Fest is a Real Thing
page 6
page 7
This is shaping up to be the best $36 million ISU ever spent.
"Something seems a little fishy here," commented Tikky Floogerbuttons.
contents
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
page 4
page 4: College Cliches That Just Ain't True
We thought we'd let you know before you embarrass yourself trying to get a panty raid going.
page 5: from the streets
what's your favorite color, and why?
page 10: bartender of the week
Table of
Rob from Fat Jack's would use a waitress as a baseball bat in his defense.
page 11: Chlamydia Attacks PCB Leaving Hundreds of ISU Students Itchy, Uncomfortable
Let's work together here. You scratch my junk, and I'll scratch yours.
page 12: NCAA Bracket Selection Bracket
Oh, your bracket is already screwed? What a surprise!
page 10
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word of the week Anacomical:
Any use of one’s body part for humorous effect. “When Dave lit a fart that started Ryan’s hair on fire, it was anacomical to the second degree, as were Ryan’s burns.”
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The
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theblacksheeponline.com
Tips For Finishing The Semester Strong
Spring break is over and it’s time to start locking down those C-pluses and B-minuses. Does this mean it’s the end of the party? Hell no! We’ve got tips to keep you partying and still be successful. 10.) Do your homework drunk: Some French professors tell their students to have a glass of wine before they come in for an exam, because apparently it makes them more confident. So go pick up a few 40s of confidence and drink until those Fs turn into As. 9.) Sell all of your books right away: You HAVE to beat the end-of-semester crowds at Kennedy's. In fact, just sell them before exams. This will not only save you time later on, it will also give you money for pizza, coffee, and Adderall. 8.) Avoid class study sessions: Remember those dudes who showed up only once for class? Well, turns out they, shockingly, didn’t learn jack squat. Going to a study session means you’ll be stuck trying to figure out a semester's worth of curriculum with these slackers, so it’s best to not go. Instead, try going to the bars your professors go to. Nothing says “I’d like some special consideration” like buying your professor a shot.
College Clichés That Just Ain’t True
7.) Party as much as possible: Exercise does the body and mind good, and everyone knows how much of a sweat you can break when getting your groove on down on Cherry Street. Make sure to drink plenty of fluids too, like beer! It's got plenty of carbohydrates to power your brain and the water it kind of contains will keep you hydrated. 6.) Take acid: You need an extra creative boost for your papers, and Mr. Unicorn and his Sunshine Band sure do have some crazy awesome ideas for your paper on medieval studies. You might even get to interview a dragon! 5.) Bribe your professor: This one is serious business. If you haven’t already, keep an eye out for what your professor likes and doesn’t like, then make sure you get it in bulk. Nothing says “I’d love an A++” like 36 barrels of cheese balls or a crate of knockoff Ray-Bans.
joseph carter wrote this Remember back in high school when everyone thought college was going to be paradise, a place of wonder and magic, where all of our wildest dreams would come true? Sadly this simply isn’t the case. Sure, college has some drunken orgiastic fun once in a while, but the day-to-day reality of college is far harsher than most of us imagined it would be. Here are some of the clichés about college, and their sad, sad realities. People have sex all the time: Some people do, but emphasis on “some.” A lot of kids who show up to college are still pimply virgins, and are lucky if they finally get laid at all. And the sex that does happen is almost always drunk and sloppy. The fantasies of having fuck buddies left and right, spontaneous orgies, and other wild sexual experiences are reserved for a select few, like D1 athletes, sluts of either sex, and professors. Chances are good you'll get laid in college now and again, just not every damn day like the intense, graphic daydreams of your high school self. Spring break is the ultimate party: In reality, spring break is a wasted week. The average person can expect to go home and spend their nights playing Scrabble with their parents. Those who do venture out into the world in search of an MTV spring break experience will be sorely disappointed. They'll break their bank just to stay at some shit motel and go to a dirty, crowded beach where cops happily wait to issue enough open container and public intoxication citations to satisfy their fun-sucking quota. In the end, the only advantage to going on a spring break trip is getting a tan, which is lying in wait under your incredibly painful sunburn. Intoxicants are everywhere: If you don’t make any 21-year-old friends, you won’t get any
booze. There won’t be a pot dealer on your dorm floor -- and if there is one, they'll get busted soon enough, likely after trying to sneak the ol’ “exhale through a dryer sheet” in their dorm room. Crazier drugs like acid, cocaine, or bath salts will come by once in a blue moon, but chances are if it isn’t coming from one of your friends, you’ll never see any of them. Plus, drugs are expensive, and your poor ass won’t be able to afford them. You have other things to pay for like books, rent, and the therapy you’ll need after your college expectations are totally shattered. College is where you “find yourself”: ...But in the worst way imaginable. Those bad habits you had in high school get amplified to the max when you leave the safety and guidance of your parents. If you rarely worked out in high school, you’ll never work out in college. If you ate a lot of junk food in high school, guess what you’ll be shoving down your throat for every meal? And if you had a hard time getting up for class in high school, good luck in college. You'll find yourself in the end, but you may not like what you see in the mirror. College will get you a job: This is both funny and sad. Kids go to college with high hopes that their degree will automatically guarantee them a job and financial security. All your degree really guarantees is debt up to your eyeballs. If you wanted a job and security, you should have joined the military, or launched that “college sexcapades” website you dreamt about in high school. College may not be the wonderland we all thought it would be, but it sure beats the shit out of living with your parents and hanging out with those high school friends who are either pregnant or married by now. So yeah. Yippee.
4.) Host a BYOB study group: Although you should avoid these, hosting an exclusive group of all those nerds who went to class every day will boost your grade. Get your fellow scholars drunk, and they’ll throw all kinds of helpful information your way. What, you didn’t know that Massachusetts was conquered by Spain in 1492? 3.) Eat walnuts: Walnuts are supposed to be a super food for the brain, so we suggest an all-walnut diet. Walnut shakes, walnut hot dogs, walnut burgers, walnut milk; even if you’re allergic, it’ll pay off in the end when your brain has more RAM than an IBM supercomputer. Also, try eating RAM. 2.) Play video games: You need to keep your mind stimulated, so why not keep your brain working by beating the brains out of someone else? We recommend anything with gore, chainsaws, or bunnies. 1.) Cry: This is usually the first thing anyone does when there’s an impossible test on the horizon, so start your morning fresh with some all-natural salt flavored eye drops.
Chong Lighter Meyers wrote this
From the Streets
[PartyPics]
Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
What's your favorite color, and why? “Blue, I always just liked the way it looks” - Andrew D., Sophomore
"Purple! Because it’s the most wonderful color in the world!” - Christina M., Freshman
“Green, because it’s always been a color that really speaks to me.” - Jesenia R., Senior
send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
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The 200th Annual Fool’s Fest Parade Mitch Vaginapun wrote this
In honor of the 200th anniversary of Fool’s Fest, Kind-of-Still-President Al Bowman has announced that instead of the usual firework display, Fool’s Fest would be celebrated by a month-long, nonstop parade. “I’m still in charge of this place, right?” Bowman asked during a press conference he was unsure he had the authority to call. “Yeah? I am? Great. Let’s have us a goddamn parade, then!” As we are all well aware, Fool’s Fest was founded 200 years ago in April when Highlander Gary Cole got thirsty, but also wanted to assassinate his roommate by means of a prank. Ten shots and a whoopee cushion full of mercury vapor later, a tradition of alcoholism and murder was born. Unofficial was created 17 years ago when a bar owner in Champaign got hella jealous of Highlander Gary Cole’s wild, untamable party animal spirit and decided to create a knockoff celebration like a total dweeb. However, after last year’s fantastically interesting greased baby fire accident, Bowman knew that Fool’s Fest needed slight redirection. “I’m not saying that we need to drink less, far from it. I plan on driving the lead float with two 40’s taped to my hands. But if another room full of babies catches on fire, Johnny Law is coming down on my ass.” The parade floats will all fit the general spirit of Fool’s Fest, with ideas ranging from how you can like totally drink that many beers, to throwing up Merry Ann’s at 2 a.m., to how crying until your entire mouth is black from mascara isn’t going to get you out of a drinking ticket. “Ooohmagawd. There’s going to be, like, so many hot guys and kegs on our float,” junior Kendra Jig-
glers said of her design. “And, definitely, a least, like, four tanning beds.” The crown jewel of the parade, Pretty-Sure-He’sStill-President Bowman’s float, is said to completely embody the past 200 years of the drunken, drug-induced, sex-filled festivity. “The whole things going to be, like, one giaaaaaaaant orgy. But—and hear me out on this one—with hot chicks. No dudes. Just hot babes. Oh, and like, at least five t-shirt guns! And a confetti cannon! But the confetti will be strips of LSD!” Many sponsors have also designed floats to be drive in the parade. This year’s Fool’s Fest sponsors include Budweiser, Captain Morgan, Clorox, and Johnson & Johnson Diaper and Fire Retardant Powder. Although Clorox advised against drinking their product, ISU students were reportedly seen carrying it in aluminum cans, leading many to try putting off the event do to health reasons, a stance Bowman is too proud and handsome to agree to. “The whole reason I have to retire is from the health problems I obtained trying to outdrink the entirety of U of I’s Unofficial every Fool’s Fest,” Bowman slurred between swigs of pure rubbing alcohol. “We had the holiday first, and I’ll be damned if they outdo us this year.” In preparation for the event, ISU police are desperately trying to figure out how the Bloomington-Normal area will function at all with all travel blocked by the parade. “Frankly, it’s going to be a shit show,” said Officer Stegkand, “I was hoping we’d be able to get the snow plows back out to clear the unconscious students off the road, but I don’t think we’ll even be able to get them out of the lot.”
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Students Unsure If Fool's Fest Is A Real Thing sevin ketze wrote this
“It's still haunts me to this day,” reflected super-senior Beth Hirshaw to her therapist, who had his fingers crossed when he assured her of therapist-patient confidentiality. “I got all my friends together to make shirts, and we got five kegs, and… I'm sorry…” She paused to wipe a tear from her eye. “I can still hear them talking about how much my party sucked. It wasn't my fault! I had everything! Nobody showed up! HOW CAN THEY SAY IT'S MY FAULT WHEN I DID ALL THE RIGHT THINGS AND THEY DIDN'T SHOW UP?!” Reducing this kind-of hot girl to a somehow-hotter screaming mess is just one of the many consequences of the famous flop that was Fool's Fest 2011. Some think it failed so massively that there's no hope of ever reviving it, but others are determined to bring it back. “What? I'm pretty sure The Black Sheep staff are the only people who even still talk about Fool's Fest,” remarked junior Becca Albertson. “They think they're soooooo funny to pretend like it's this huge thing that goes back hundreds of years, but everybody else just thinks it's really [awesome] and [clever]. Half of the current students weren't even here in 2011. Those fucking [really cool guys] are just running out of ideas, so they make up some stupid crap so they can keep selling ads and get more money to spend on [their sexy girlfriends].” “I got really excited when I saw the front page, 'cause I'd never heard of Fool's Fest, but they're clearly just messing with us,” thought freshman Blake Huong. “When I read all the articles I noticed there was no consistency at all between them. Different writers said it was founded on different dates, by different people, stuff like that. So if this is a joke, they did a really shitty job with it. I don't think any of them are even paying attention.” Huong's friend Rick Poczatek added more. “The timing doesn't make any sense either. The article they're gonna use these quotes for is going in the same issue as all of the other Fool's Fest articles, right? Then how would we have seen the articles in this issue in time for them to add quotes about the issue to the SAME ISSUE? Way to think that one through. Really, I just feel embarrassed for them.” “Oh, don't even get me started on that paper,” fumed senior Penny Keggerton. “They think they're sooooo funny and original making fun of themselves, but that's like the easiest trick in the joke-making rulebook. An article will start out being one about thing, and then it'll totally get
distracted from the topic and just have a bunch of self-deprecating humor. Ugh. And it's really repetitive, too. I mean, look, the phrase “they think they're soooooo funny” will show up TWICE in this article alone – probably just a measly attempt at making the minimum word count. If you're gonna make up fake quotes, at least take the time to read a fucking thesaurus, proofread your shit, and think of something original for once.” Other than local time-traveler and notorious liar Xylbyzyxx Robochromium, nobody knows what lies in store for the future of Fool's Fest. But don't worry, because children are our future, and parents can make their kids do whatever they want. So swap out Junior's juice box for a jungle juice box, give him a nice non-sexual pat on the butt, and send him out in the world to help bring this party into the 21.2nd century.
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bartender of the week Rob c. fat jack's Age: 24
You have to fight someone at the bar, using the things around you, what do you choose: I would look around and probably just swing a waitress at the guy.
Major: Marketing, communications, fitness ed, and economics Status: Single (Always on the hunt)
What’s your favorite color: Pink, I always loved the color of Mike’s Hard Pink Lemonade.
Spirit animal: A shark. It hunts and it can’t move its neck.
If you could be any superhero, who would you be: That’s not really a fair question, it should be, “If any superhero could be Rob Covey, who would it be?”
Favorite drink: Guinness If you could fight any historical figure, who would it be: Andre the giant. I’d pick him up and slam him.
Who would it be: Probably that pussy Batman, or Captain America.
Craziest place you’ve ever hooked up: I can’t say where, but let’s just say I’m not allowed in many fine dining establishments’ bathrooms.
What’s a name you’d give both your child and your dog: B.A. Barackus, after Mr. T, and I’d give them both Mohawks.
If you could have any animal be your best friend, what would it be: A bear. That way someone could actually wrestle with me. Favorite holiday: My birthday. It’s the biggest party of the year! It’ll be a national holiday soon.
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You’re in a wheelchair and on fire, what do you do: I spin so fast that the fire runs away and never comes back out of fear.
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Chlamydia Attacks PCB Leaving Hundreds of isu Students Itchy, Uncomfortable tbs staff wrote this Police in Panama City Beach, Florida, have confirmed an attack on the large group of students there for spring break by the infamous criminal Chlamydia. Little is known about the socalled “burning bandit,” other than he prefers to strike where masses of horny coeds have gathered. Official reports put the number of ISU students affected by the attacks in the hundreds, as Panama City Beach is a prime spring break locale for many students. Officer Stuart Pinkman, a PCB police officer, spoke with The Black Sheep via telephone. “Every spring it’s the same story. We try to prepare for this guy, but it’s like we can never catch him, although everyone else seems to be. We’re not sure why he targets places where undergrads are drunk and away from home, it just seems to be a part of his M.O.” Officer Pinkman continued, “Luckily, Chlamydia seems to be an in-and-out perp. He comes in, strikes a couple hundred people, and is gone a week or two later. It’s insane. It’s like he gives them just enough time to regret last week’s decisions, then he disappears. We want to assure the public that we’re doing everything we can to catch him.” Stacy, a freshman at ISU who wished to be identified by a pseudonym, recounts her harrowing experience during the attack. “We were just drinking a lot ya’ know. Like, tons. I got a really badass fake so I could get into all the good bars. Guys were just throwing drinks at me, it was so cray, I don’t really remember what happened the whole time we were there, but
it was such an AWESOME trip. Then, I get back to class this week and my whole downstairs situation is acting up. I was like WTF.” Stacy continued, “Apparently I had been attacked by that asshole Chlamydia and had no idea. I don’t understand how he got me, I was blacked out the whole time I was in PCB and only slept with, like, eight guys, I think.” Jonathan, an ISU student also going by a pseudonym for this story, related an attack by Chlamydia and also, suspected accomplices. “The night started pretty tame. I was having a few drinks to get my confidence up to dance with a girl that was about a 7. You don’t want to start too high, that’s a quick way to crash and burn. Anyway, so I start dancing with her and we start talking and hit it off. Next thing I knew, I had Alcohol whispering in my ear to take her outside to my buddy’s car. ‘He won’t mind,’ he said. ‘He’s a total bro; you’d do it for him!’” Jonathan continued, “So me and this chick had a really romantic first date in the back of his Honda Accord. Everything was great, but apparently somewhere in those passionate five minutes, Chlamydia struck. Now, today, it hurts to pee and I can’t even have the lights on in my room because of that bastard Hangover. My life is irreparably changed for the next 48 hours, when these drugs run their course.” PCB Police are investigating Alcohol and the notorious Hang-
over as accomplices to Chlamydia in his weeklong crime spree. Officer Pinkman commented, “It seems that Alcohol likes to set up the attack from Chlamydia. Most of these students are unsuspecting of him, but they do expect the Hangover, who seems to show up constantly. We’re using every resource available to track down these sick bastards and bring them to justice.” ISU Student Health Services issued a statement to the student body advising those that may have fallen victim to this attacker. The statement was published on their website and reads, “Due to the high volume of victims in this recent attack, the Student Health Services will be handing out antibiotics at the Bone from 10-2 every day this week to ensure all students are free from the burning sensation of regret.”
t e k c a r Ncaa b t e k c a r b n o i t c e l se
It's bracket season, and with it, all the insane ways millions of people make irrational decisions in hopes of eking out a few extra tax-free bucks. Well, not to get too meta, but we've decided to release our bracket on bracket selection processes. Which methods are most and least effective? Hint: Cuteness of animals has no correlation on basketball success.
we interview:
caspian
This week we had an opportunity to catch up with Erin Burke-Morgan, guitarist for post-rock monolith Caspian. These Massachusetts instrumentalists released their fourth album, Waking Season, in 2012, and are currently touring the United States to support it. We talked… well, we talked about that album, and touring in support of it. The Black Sheep: You guys are touring right now, where are you? Erin Burke-Moran: We’re in Portland, Oregon. TBS: When you tour, do you have the opportunity to take in the sights? Erin: You know what, on this tour it’s not so much sights. In the United States the drives are so long, the four or five days we have off are driving days. We went to a place called Voodoo Doughnuts today. TBS: They have a bunch of wacky doughnuts, right? Erin: Yeah, I had some crazy mango-filled doughnut. And that’s kind of cool, it balances out not being able to see anything. TBS: Since you’ve been on tour, we're sure you’re tired. What does fatigue mean for a band? Are you mentally exhausted? Physically? Erin: We all have our routines before going on stage every night. We have a stretch routine we go through each night, and that puts you in the music mindset. But yeah, I think the lack of sleep, in and out of reality, makes performing easier. At one point you’re in this wacked out zone in a van, then it’s like, stage time, and you know it’s time to perform. TBS: What’s your pre-show routine? Erin: Listen to some music, have a brew, and I do my stretches for twenty minutes before we play. I’ll catch the last song of the band performing before us, then it’s go time. TBS: Is the stretching a precautionary measure, or in response to an injury? Erin: (laughs) I’ve actually hurt myself a couple of times. I’m not old, but I’m getting older, you know? In 2010 we were in the middle of a tour and I swear to god, I gave myself whiplash. (laughs) It was hard playing two more weeks with an injured neck. TBS: How long does it take you to hit your stride on tour? Erin: It’s usually a week or so before you really get into a zone. Once we get there we try to stick with it. Of course you get tired. We were over in Europe last summer, and some of the craziest shows were at the end of the tour, and you have to stay up for those. TBS: What are you most looking forward to when you get back from tour? Erin: I mean, just having dinner with my girlfriend. I’ve been with her for three years now, so it’s tough getting away. TBS: What do you go for when you’re recording music? Erin: It’s different for every record. On Waking Season we were going for an ambient sound. About three quarters of the way through it we looked back and realized, “Wow, a lot of these songs are similar.” That’s when you know it’s natural. Now we’re performing it live and deciding what’s next. TBS: A running theme in music, what is that a result of? Erin: Our method usually involves someone getting an idea for a melody or a chord progression or a skeleton of a song. We’ll get together and jam on it. We just record ideas or practice sessions on an iPhone, then build from there. TBS: Are there ever heated arguments regarding music, or is it mostly eye rolls? Erin: It goes back and forth. There’s days where we’re looking at the floor, not being able to stand looking at each other. There’s other times when everyone just needs to step outside and smoke a cigarette. One thing that was great about Waking Season we got past inhibitions and insecurities, and found ways to communicate. TBS: Do you pay attention to criticism or acclaim from music press? Erin: I think we like to say we make music for each other; that we play what we’re happy with. The more we do this, the more we learn we can’t make everyone happy. To some degree you have to write for your fans, what’s been important to us is making music we can vibe with. Response from friends, interestingly enough, is when listening to Waking Season they’d uncover new stuff and it’d settle in with them. That’s a great response. TBS: But do you go, “Yeah! Spin gave us a nine!” or “Motherfucker, why did you give us a three?” Erin: (laughs) I mean, you read the reviews. It’s always funny to see what people say. It’s also just…part of the whole thing. TBS: What’s some music you’re into that your bandmates say, “Man, I can’t believe you listen to this garbage.”? Erin: (laughs) Not so much anymore, but I started playing guitar at fifteen, and some of my favorite bands were Live and Bush. Bandmates would give me such a hard time about that. Nowadays, I’m always trying to get them to play weird chords, and they won’t do it. That’s kind of the beauty about writing in a band, collectively coming to decisions.
the big three
entertainment-y things to keep your eye out for.
NCAA March Madness March 21st - 24th
There's nothing quite like celebrating the end of winter hibernation than by getting mad during the month of March and bingewatching basketball in your living room. Have your brackets handy, your refrigerator stocked, and your comfiest party pants on, because you're going to be glued to the TV for four straight days. Good luck trying to go to class.
The Strokes - Comedown Machine out march 26th
Acclaimed indie rockers The Strokes are back with their fifth studio album, Comedown Machine. Suckily off of a mediocre 2011 album, sexy Juilan Casablancas and the rest of the bros say that this album returns to the sound from their classic first album Is This It. Be sure to check out the album's single, "All The Time."
Wavves - Afraid of Heights out march 26th
Goofy and perpetually stoned Nathan Williams, the head honcho behind surfer noise/rock band Wavves, has managed to remain relevant since his 2008 debut. Despite multiple band line-up changes, Wavves is cruising along at full force with the release of Afraid of Heights. Their fourth studio also includes two cameos by Jenny Lewis of Rilo Kiley fame, which is all one needs to say for us to pay attention.
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the madlib: hungover at the gym Oh my ___1___, why am I here? I am sort of glad my bitch of a roommate is dragging my ___2___ ___3___ here to ___4___ on the elliptical, but only because I’m still kind of ___5___. All right, I’m going to try the treadmill first, get the hardest one out of the way. Hopefully ___6___ is on, it’s the perfect thing to stare at mindlessly. Okay, got my earbuds in, blasting ___7___ so loud I hope I knock this tiny Asian next to me off her machine. First minute done -- I’m not doing too shabby! Except my head is pounding like ___8___ would pound ___9___ after a roofied ___10___ or two, so maybe I’ll just run a mile. Maybe I’ll walk the last half. God, the Asian is giving me the stink eye, maybe because I’m sweating out all the ___11___ from last night and smell like the floor of ___12___. You know what, screw this. I’ll try the elliptical, at least it’ll make the bouncing of my head more subtle. Lord, why do all these girls look perfect while I’m sweat-
ing and shaky like I took a bunch of ___13___ in ___14___. Whatever, I can do this! Perfect, a machine open next to the ___15___ girl so I can feel better about myself. Damn, she makes Kim Kardashian’s ___16___ look small. Okay, of course she’s watching ___17___ make ___18___, what the hell! Just focus on ___19___ getting drunk and making bad decision, wow, I’m not really as bad as them. Sure, I danced on ___20___ bar last night and slipped on a pile of ___21___ but at least I didn’t get arrested! That ___22___ looks so good my stomach is growling like a ___23___ . I can’t do this. Okay I see my roommate, I’m gonna motion that I’m going to just chill out on the bike until she’s done. I’m going to cool down, put on some ___24___ and just mellow out and… …. I cannot believe I feel asleep on the bike. Thank God my roommate is ready to leave, I need ___25___ ASAP and maybe a ___26___ .
1) Swear word 2) Synonym for big 3) Plural body part 4) Verb 5) Synonym for drunk 6) MTV show 7) Intense rapper 8) Slutty male celebrity 9) Whorish girl you know 10) Girly drink 11) Liquor 12) Popular bar 13) Party drug
14) Hot exotic location 15) Synonym for big 16) Body part 17) Famous chef 18) Typical drunk food 19) MTV character 20) Bar from #12 21) Liquid 22) Food from #17 23) Wild animal 24) Indie band 25) Food from #17 26) Cocktail
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