The Black Sheep
fr ee ... on like be ge in t g tin fu g nn a j y a ob s s ba hi sed t.
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheep_isu
Volume 4, Issue 6 4/4/13 - 4/17/13
senior unaware he has no marketable skills sevin ketze wrote this
“I'm thinking I might as well put a down payment on a house now. Why wait? I can put it on my mom's credit card, and I'll make enough money in like five months to pay it off completely. Can you imagine how embarrassing it'd be if the fellas at Microsoft found out the new guy was living in some tiny-ass luxury apartment?” Senior Chris Gerblanski laughed and shook his head. “No way. 'Have the house for the job you want,’ that's what Trump said. Or what he would say, if he was as smart of a business guy as I am.” Chris, like so many graduating seniors, hasn't begun to accept the reality that he doesn't offer anything any employer would ever want. “I saw my ex Becky waiting tables at Medici's the other day. Hahaha, what a stupid bitch! Can't she see how degrading that is?” Becky graduated at the top of her class with a degree in speech pathology, makes roughly $30 an hour, and spends almost all of her free time sending in applications and resumes. “All the big Fortune 300 guys are gonna look at her and think 'here's some chick who just wants to make an easy buck and doesn't follow her dreams.' And then they'll look at my resume and be all like 'now here's a guy who doesn't settle for no bullshit.'” Chris proudly mentioned he'd never had a job, because he's saving himself for “the one.” “Read the Bible, man, that's how God wants it to be.” While he added “businessy” clip-art to all the blank space on his MS Word resume, Chris told us about his qualifications and life achievements. “Look at all this, man. Work experience: None. I got a full tank of gas, baby, unlike all these other overworked burnouts. "Philanthropy: I'm always down to give food to the hobos, as long as it's after 2 on a Saturday and I'm not too hung over and nothing cool is going on. Oh, and I made that red equals sign my profile picture, and I always almost give a dollar to the diabetesfor-kids thing at the Walgreens checkout.” “Other skills: I'm funny as shit. The other day I saw this fatty, and I was like 'hey, fatty!' and she looked over and I pretended I was eating a big thing of ice cream. I'm totally down to be the office Jim. And my brain is like a steel trap, man, I remember everything I learned in school. All that stuff about inventory,
Mother Nature On Strike
Local experts warn that this may escalate into a lightning strike.
page 4
factories, selling stuff, and uhhhh...ahhh, what's the other thing... oh yeah, accountanting! If there's a problem and they come to me all like 'Chris, we need to know how many race cars to buy,' I'll be like 'we need enough supply to meet the demand.' Boom, that's business.” Unfortunately, Chris is completely unaware that he's missing
what'’s inside
15 credit hours and still has to retake four classes before he can graduate. But instead of working on his final projects, he's been spending his time researching ways to avoid random drug tests. “I'm pretty sure I can just pee through some cotton balls. It might not work for everybody, but I smoke so much fine stickyass dope-ass chronic weed that the pot molecules are definitely big enough to get stuck in them.”
Top 10: Activities For Spring
A Major Disappointment
page 4
page 7
But really, why go outside when there are so many pretty nature pictures on the internet?
we're totally doing this for our sophomore fall semester.
contents
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
page 6
page 5: from the streets
what's your favorite thing about the bipolar weather?
page 6: That Friend Who's Older Than You
Stop calling yourself an 80's kid, dude, you were born in '89.
page 10: Bartender of the week
Table of
Mandy from Mulligans isn't sure if she's single or taken so, fellas, go see what's up.
page 11: Finding The Right Campus Job
For the low low salary of $110 a week, you can make your life three times as stressful!
pages 12-13: We're All Going to Die!!!
According to all the apocalyptic movies coming out this summer, that is.
page 11
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word of the week Illuminaughty:
A secret society that exists on hundreds of college campuses, they aim to prevent loser freshmen from ever getting laid. “‘If it wasn’t for the Illuminaughty I totally would have slept with a bunch of skanks by now,’ the delusional freshman muttered in disgust.”
page 4
The
theblacksheeponline.com
Top 10 Activities for Spring Spring is finally upon us! Mostly! Now that winter’s cold, unloving embrace has finally loosened, it’s time to have some fun. With all the snow melted, there’s so much room for activities, and here’s the best ones to get your spring started with a bang. 10.) Sexy picnics: Sexy picnics are like regular picnics, but also celebrate the fact that you no longer have to wrap up in four coats and three layers of animal pelts every time you walk outside. Put on those bikinis and man thongs, it’s time to get tan and get laid in the middle of the quad. 9.) Sell your textbooks: Midterms are over, you don’t need to study. Plus, you get so much more money now than you would at the end of the semester, money that you can spend on booze and other things that aren’t books. It’s not like there’s some bigger, more important things you’d need your books for at the end of the semester, right? … Right? 8.) Switch beer types: The time for winter lagers is over. Pour all of it down the drain and go buy some more seasonable beer. It will be like the changing of the guard in your refrigerator, unless Natty Light is your eternal protector.
Mother Nature on Strike Chong Lighter Meyers wrote this
7.) Turn your clocks forward: You’ve been late to everything for quite a while now, huh? Now you know why. They didn’t invent “spring ahead” for you to be an idiot about it, they did it so farmers could work more. So be the obedient farmer you are and change your damn clock. 6.) Replace all water with wine: In the loving memory of the maybe-savior you maybeworship, the Easter Challenge was born. According to our ex-pastor, all boys and girls are to drink copious of wine instead of water for the two weeks following Easter. Fun! 5.) Go camping: Spring is the perfect excuse to break out the old RV and cook meth on public campsites in preparation for Breaking Bad. Spoilers: Can you believe Skyler turned into a dinosaur! What a twist!
Over the past few weeks Mother Nature has made it clear that winter will no longer be snow season, and spring shall now be taking over the cold frosty duties. Needless to say, the approval rating of this new plan has been extremely low, as ISU students have decided to fight back. Sam Boes of the local town band Husky had this to say: “I’m so sick of the snow around here. All I want to do is be able to go outside and drink on my porch with the rest of the band, but instead, we’re reduced to sipping 40s on our couch. It freaking sucks. I wish there was some way to fight back.” In retaliation to Mother Nature’s recent actions, ISU students, faculty, and staff have been urged to keep lights on longer, plug in any old school fridges or freezes they may have, leave cars running on idle, and to spray as many CFCs into the air as possible to send the message to Mother Nature that this will not be tolerated. Although a clear motive for moving snow from winter to spring has not been determined, local police officers believe it may be a result of students asking for snow days off too frequently, or due to the increased usage of snow bongs during blizzards; which then indicates that Mother Nature just might be really really high. Both of these theories are plausible, but locals do not believe there are enough hippies left in town to cause such an effect. ISU health majors have also voiced their concerns about the weather change, since snow in spring can effect spring time workouts, wreak havoc on bikini season, and starkly inhibit recovery from Seasonal Affective Disorder. When asked about the issue, health major Cullen Coursey had this to say: “Studies show health plays an important factor in being healthy. Warm weather helps keep every individual healthy and fit, and without the ability to exercise, we could see a decrease in both physical fitness and a lack of ladies on the beach. This could also be bad for the economy, as no beach parties means no one is buying gas for road trips, and the inability to day drink outside will lead to a decrease in alcohol sales that could be even more detrimental to an already frail economy.” While efforts to contact Mother Nature are in progress, President Barack Obama and his cabinet have made no comments at this time as to whether or not the weather will make a return to normalcy sometime within this decade. Ex-Vice President Al Gore has taken a particular interest in the matter and has been seen trying to contact Mother Nature by making a contact device out of tin foil, a telephone made out of ice, and an insistence on “mixing man with nature” by defecating outside, but has had no success thus far. In the mean time students are asked to be far more cautious when making weekend plans, and are also being asked to not plan any pool parties or outdoor barbeques for their own safety until the conflict has been resolved. It is recommended that if any student should start to see snow falling, they seek shelter immediately, as well as to stock up on canned food and booze.
4.) Stay inside: Who cares what season it is? The 12 terabytes of porn you downloaded isn’t going to watch itself. Close those blinds and get to work. 3.) Commit crimes in more comfortable legwear: Everyone knows it’s a pain in the ass to commit some quality arson when you’re restrained by snow pants. Now that it’s finally heating up outside, you can make it heat up inside the homes of all your enemies. 2.) Go take artsy Instragram photos of flowers: Why not?! It’s nice out! Flowers are pretty and you’re an artist! Everyone will like you and your photos of flowers! Take more! Take more! TAKE MORE!!! 1.) Let your friend out of that rock tomb: Sure, it was a great April Fool’s prank, but the three days passed ten days ago. Let him out. He isn’t the supposed son of God, he needs help. And water. And oxygen.
Mitch Vaginapun wrote this
From the Streets
[PartyPics]
Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
What's your favorite thing about the bipolar weather? “It’s interesting, I’ve never seen it before. It’s nice having a snow day the second day after spring and being able to play catch a few days later.” - David Z., Junior
"I don’t like it, it’s the constant expectation of spring and then you’re out in the middle of nowhere, freezing, with just a hoodie.” - Brian M., Sophomore
“I love wearing boots one day with a snowman in my front yard, and taking sunny walks along the street the next day.” - Stephanie C., Senior
send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
(View and Send Pics from our iPhone & Android App! Search black sheep mobile)
page 6
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That Friend Who's Older Than You joseph carter wrote this
College is a time when people of different colors, religions, and economic backgrounds gather together to form the perfect society. In this perfect society where nothing bad happens (like blacking out, or overdrawing your checking account, or getting herpes, or some combination of the three), chances are younger and older people will form strong friendships that will last 'til the end of their lives, or the end of college (which is basically the same thing). While younger friends often get ridiculed for getting too drunk too often, or asking for the occasional cigarette, the token older friend also has their flaws. Except their flaws are not always so forgivable. They've got “experience": Older kids like to pretend that because they’ve existed on Earth for an extra year, they've seen a lot more shit than these damn youngins’ walking around. They'll talk about “back in their day” like they're old men who have already graduated, which leads to them offering some terrible advice on just about every subject, even if they have no idea what they’re talking about. For example, the dude who tells you “babes loved dudes with excessive amounts of school spirit,” despite not getting laid in two years. But hey, he’s older than you, so by default he knows more about girls. It makes a lot of sense, right? They're soooo cool: Oftentimes older college students will be embarrassed to hang out with someone a year or more below them, as if their social status starts rapidly crashing the moment they stand near them. But most the time, it's the older guy who's a far bigger embarrassment to be around than the younger kid. After all, who in this
situation lost all their friends to graduation and now has to resort to offering to purchase alcohol in exchange for friendship? With that said, don’t be bitter about hanging out with younger folk, we still love you. Just don’t act like you’re the one doing us the favor by hanging out with us when you run into the few remaining people you know left on campus. They have to get serious: Many times the older crowd will chastise their younger peers for getting too fucked up on weekday nights, or not building their resume, or “smoking meth after 6 p.m.,” acting like it's below them or saying “I remember when I was a freshman” all old and sarcastic-like. Older college students have to get ready for the “real world” where they can’t get drunk and high, because unlike their former selves, they now have real responsibilities. While this is kind of true, the fact is older students still get just as wasted, they just have no one older than them to admonish them for their debauchery… besides their soon-to-be, unemployed inner voices. Older friends are great. They buy booze for the poor under-agers, and when they actually do know what they are talking about they can offer some sound advice. But overall the older friend assumes that they are more mature, smarter, and cooler purely based on their age, when really they haven’t been playing the game much longer than their younger peers. And for their smugness and douchebaggery, they should step back and give us some respect. After all, without us, no one would think they are cool in the first place.
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A Major dissapointment Scoop Chang wrote this Over the last four years, The Black Sheep took a long, hard look at a saucy young man and his quest to find the right major. He may not have found the right fit, but we hired him anyway, because he’s got something you can’t teach: pizazz. Freshman Year (Major: Marketing): I’m finally out of high school! No more getting spit on by the building’s aides or getting punched in the eye by those sassy janitors. I’m not the dumbest guy in the world, but I am a bad test taker. Like, when the ACT asks how many sides are on a triangle, it’s like, what defines a triangle, you know? I guess I’m more of a rebel, not chained down by society’s standards of “shapes” and “words.” None of that matters now, I’m in marketing. Should be easy, I’ve been to a garden market before, selling groceries and shit? It’s so easy I could do it drunk. So, I’m not buying any books and I’m going to class everyday shitfaced. Sophomore Year (Major: Nursing): Screw the business world, I’ve never been good at numbers anyway. I’ll leave the math to calculators and robots. I don’t even think I even learned how to shop at a market, let alone run one. Now nursing? I can get behind that. All I ever see them do on medical shows is sit there and yell distressing shit at the doctor. “He’s coding!” “His cancer is attacking!” “The machines are being loud!” Plus, I’ll be the only straight male nurse! Score! I’ll be all, “Hey fellow nurse, you got nice breasts,” then she’ll be all over me like Jewish at a Bar Mitzvah. I just have to pretend to know some medical terms and enjoy my free ride. I’m not touching dead people though, I don’t want them stealing my soul or making me a zombie. Somebody dies? I’m setting those bitches on fire. Oh you didn’t want your father cremated? Well I don’t want a zombie outbreak. Junior Year (Major: Art): Did you know that sick people at hospitals just shit in their beds?!? I’m supposed to get a college degree, and then clean up poop? I don’t care how many wars you fought old man, I am not touching your poop. What do we have illegal immigrants for anyway? Whatever, that part of me is dead. Art. This is the one. I’m not what you call “creative,” but I am a compulsive liar. If Jackson Pollack can get away with all those crappy paint splashes, then I should be fine. I have it all planned out: If I have to do sculptures? I’ll sculpt dicks and bongs. I’m supposed
to do a self-portrait? I’ll draw a dinosaur and call it deep. Who’s gonna question me? In art there are no wrong answers. Senior Year (Major: Journalism): So I guess in art, there are wrong answers. Bullshit, my paint blobs were just as good as the professor’s dog’s – and he got an A! So what if I couldn’t afford paint? Dirt and toothpaste work just as well. I don’t even care now; I’m a new man. This is the one, for sure. I’ve been writing in my diary once a year for four years now! I’m practically a journalism expert. Now, I’m not the “interviewy” or “reportery” type, but dammit if I can’t tell a good story to my bros. Put that shit on the page, and I’ll be swimming in job offers. I can do some investigating, I guess, Blue’s Clues style. Look at some shit, conjecturize about other shit. Someone changed the sign to “Boner” Student center? I’ll write a report on the apparent outbreak of clever bastards at this school. Epilogue (Dropped Out: Employed by The Black Sheep) So I guess the school didn’t think me changing the sign to “Boner” Student Center was clever. They made me choose to drop out or get expelled, but I’m not gonna let the man give me an ultimatum like that… so I dropped out in protest of the ultimatum.
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4/13: Springfest! 12pm: Unemployed Architects 4pm: Saints of Saturday, 7pm: Wedding Banned, 10pm: The Personnel $3 Devils Cut mixed drinks/shots $3 2 Gingers mixed drinks/shots
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page 10
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bartender of the week Mandy L. Mulligan's Major: Accounting/Human Resources
gan’s: Um… I dance on top of the tables.
Age: 22
Favorite movie: 50 First Dates, because I love Adam Sandler.
Status: Taken… I think. What is the best superpower: Flying. I don’t wanna have to walk or drive anymore. Favorite sex position: Doggystyle. Favorite US President: FDR, he took us out of the depression. Where’s the craziest place you’ve ever hooked up: In the bathroom about 2 minutes ago, I got locked in. Favorite drink: Tequila shots. What’s a weekend like here at Mulli-
121 E. Beaufort St.| (309) 888-9663 | dpdoughonline.com
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Finding the Right Campus Job Scoop Chang wrote this The Black Sheep knows you’ve been looking for the right work-study job. Without us, you’d fall ass backward into whatever crappy place would hire you, or end up reeking of Subway for the next decade. We interviewed some jaded former employees of the university to find out all the dirty secrets and perks of working on campus. Night Ops: Tammy Cruise The Black Sheep: “So Tammy, is it obnoxious to have to stay up late on the weekends and deal with drunk people?” Tammy Cruise: “You know, it would be, if I wasn’t shitfaced the whole time.” TBS: “You go to work drunk?” TC: “Yeah and I drink at the desk too. I mean, I work in a freshman dorm, everyone comes in totally plastered and scared that I’m gonna bust them. Mostly I just mess with people.” TBS: “Mess with them how?” TC: “Like, I’ll tell really drunk guys that to get in, they have to make out with each other. Or sometimes when people stumble in totally gone, I’ll threaten to call security unless they give me their clothes and wallets. Then I call security anyway and say naked people without IDs are attacking me.” TBS: “My God... You’re awful.” TC: “Yeah, but I mean… C’mon, if you were in my position, what would you do?” TBS: “... exactly the same thing.” TC: “Yeah, so don’t judge.”
Resident Assistant: George Rainer TBS: “So George, you’ve been referred to as the ‘Nazi’ of RAs. What’s that like for you?” GR: “I don’t mind it, really. If these kids want to break the rules, then they have to face the consequences. If doing my job right makes me a Nazi, then I’d say I’m Hitler. TBS: “So, how do you think you got the title?” Hitler: “Those [insolent swine] always try to sneak in beer and smoke meth or whatever. I catch them in the act and--” TBS: “You actually caught someone smoking meth?” H: “Well between you and me, I couldn’t ever find any, but this one kid was always wearing tiny hats and speaking in Hebrew, you know, like a meth head. I had a feeling, you know? So I put a baggie in his room and got him expelled” TBS: “Where did you find meth?!” H: “I know a guy, don’t worry about it. Why? Do you have a problem with that?” TBS: “No man, not me, don’t worry about it.” H: “Gut… I wouldn’t have to tell security about your unruly behavior…” TBS: “Yes sir, thank you sir.” Rec Center: Carl James Jr. TBS: “So Carl, you just sit here and swipe IDs right? Seems pretty easy.” CJ: “Yeah, that’s what people see, but we do more than that behind closed doors.”
TBS: “Like what, for instance?” CJ: “Well my junior year I got promoted to ‘Roid Guy’” TBS: “... It’s exactly what it sounds like, isn’t it?” CJ: “It’s an important job, man. I gave out the steroids for all the sports teams; you have to know who gets what and how much, without fucking up. I gave a guy too much once and he flipped out and started swingin’ cats around by their tails.” TBS: “... I didn’t hear about that.” CJ: “No, you didn’t, we covered it up by saying it was a new exercise craze.” TBS: “Ohhh so that’s why we have that new cat-swinging yoga class.” CJ: “Until recently I was at the top. I served as
one of the driers in the Bowman Bathhouse.” TBS: “The Bowman Bathhouse?” CJ: “It’s the secret men’s club for the tenured professors and Lord Bowman.” TBS: “What did you have to do as a ‘drier’?” CJ: Whenever they activated my shock collar, I would go up to the secret 4th floor only accessible by golden calf and towel off those naked gods among men.” We were going to interview more people, but with these options, what more could you want? So go, faithful readers, into the working world with the foreknowledge most people would kill for. Thank us, not with gifts, but with giant piles of money to The Black Sheep headquarters care of: Scoop Chang.
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Oblivion - April 29th What it’s About: In the distant future, mankind has evacuated Earth after a devastating inter-galactic war with a race known as the Scavs. When Jack Harper (Tom Cruise) investigates a fallen spacecraft and its sexy lady pilot on a routine mission to now-devastated Earth, he discovers that humans are still living there. What Oblivion is Saying About Us: “Even if we prevail against super-alien species in the future, it doesn’t mean we can prevail against ourselves.” Why it’s Bullshit: Everyone knows humans are merely entrapments for the immortal, spiritual thetan. And everyone knows that thetans have innumerable past lives and arrived on Earth thousands of years ago to hole up in human bodies. So if Earth is destroyed, the thetans would just leave these physical bodies behind and move on to another world. Unless, of course, the thetan inside Tom Cruise is reliving an experience it had prior to its existence on Earth. Then it all makes sense.
Rapturepalooza May 10th, (Limited) What it’s About: The rapture is unleashed upon earth with a hilarious twist in that the animals talk and the Antichrist (Craig Robinson), is a foul-mouthed party animal. It’s up to two teens to lock the Antichrist up, and save humanity from being sucked into the netherworld. What Rapturepalooza is Saying About Us: “Yo humanity is turning into a bunch of atheist heathens, but like, what if that Bible shit came true LOL?” Why it’s Bullshit: If the rapture is going to be anything like the Bible says it’s going to be, God, or gods, or the Devil, Antichrist, Gilbert Gottfried, or the Four Horsemen are going to rain death upon everyone in one fell swoop. Birds aren’t going to crack jokes and
shit on your car, and the Antichrist isn’t going to hang around and shoot the shit with the locals. No pair of awkward teens are going to team up with the Big Man to lock the Antichrist up, and all of humanity will die a horrible death… except the Christians. Or the Mormons. Or the Phelps family. Or the… well, you get the idea.
Star Trek Into Darkness - May 15th
Epic - May 24th What it’s About: Mary Catherine lives in a lush forest with her father, a professor who studies a group of warriors protecting the forest against evil. One day her father doesn’t come back, and upon going out to find him she finds herself among a group of glowing, falling leaves. After grabbing one she immediately shrinks and encounters the group of warriors her father studied. She is then forced to assist in their war against forces of evil known as the Boggans, while trying to return home.
What it’s About: After being called back home, the crew of the Enterprise finds a seemingly unstoppable force has left the Earth in chaos. Kirk and his crew are tasked with leading a deadly manhunt to capture the party responsible.
What Epic is Saying About Us: “To be saved from the threat of mankind, Mother Nature has to fight."
What Star Trek Into Darkness is Saying About Us: “Humanity is destined to destroy itself from within.” Why it’s Bullshit: We’re still here, aren’t we? With over 17,000 nuclear weapons in the world today, if some state power megalomaniac was deadset on ending it all, he’d just do it. Thing is, mankind is all about self-preservation, and without another habitable planet to
ship off to, dude’s just as fucked as the rest of us. Even if some shitbird did get ahold of a bomb, he could make part of the world uninhabitable, but there’s plenty of room to live in northern Canada, even if no one really wants to while away time there.
Why it’s Bullshit: Epic assumes that humans have seen nature circling the toilet bowl and just said “Well, we’ve already done this much damage, so...whatever. Let’s hurry up and get this over with.” No. Humanity recognizes the damage we’ve done. As a result we’ve targeted the behaviors and methods that cause such destruction and worked diligently to slow them down, hoping to reverse them. Think of how far we’ve come in just the last ten years with fuel efficiency and alternative energies, and think of where we’ll be in another ten years. Yes we’ve got a ways to go, but implying that it’s too late – that the world is on the verge of environmental catastrophe – is just silly.
After earth - June 7th What it’s About: After a cataclysmic event humans are forced to evacuate Earth. Mother Gaia reverts to a primal state full of lush forests and new nasty baddies that have evolved to kill humans. When Cypher Raige (Will Smith) and his son (Jaden Smith) return 1,000 years later, they find this out the hard way. What After Earth is Saying About Us: “Humanity is the real parasite on this wretched rock!” Why it’s Bullshit: 65 million years ago. 200 million years ago. 250 million years ago. 360 million years ago. 440 million years ago. These are all major extinction events that have occurred on our own planet; shit got fucked up on the oft long before we put emission regulations on the table. That depressing sack of lard who drives three blocks to buy a frozen burrito isn’t helping things, but he’ll be dead in five years. We really need to be worried about whoever keeps lobbing space rocks at us from the Oort Cloud; we’ve had our eye on you, Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Pacific rim JUly 12th
Why it’s Bullshit: It’s like Hollywood producers haven’t heard of vaccinations. The Spanish Flu epidemic in 1918 killed 50 million to 100 million people.
What it’s About: Earth is overcome by a pandemic that sees most of the world’s population turned into zombies. United Nations employee Gerry Lane (Brad Pitt) is enlisted in saving what remains of mankind. What World War Z is Saying About Us: “Even at the height of our society we can’t escape our basest needs.” Why it’s Bullshit: Of course we can. The majority of modern civilization (read: non-crunchy hippies) no longer live in trees. Sure, maybe evolution over millions of years doesn’t count, but every single popular modern-day religion has
basic tenents that are all, “Be cool to everyone else, man.” If we couldn’t defy our core instincts we wouldn’t donate that almost-spoiled can of beans to the homeless shelter, we’d eat that shit up. Shit, man’s driving force is survival of his genes by any means necessary, and only lacrosse players find rape an acceptable form of sex these days.
Elysium - August 9th What it’s About: In the year 2159 two classes of people exist: the very wealthy who live on a pristine man-made space station called Elysium, and the rest, who live on an overpopulated, ruined Earth. One unlikely hero hopes to bridge the gap between the two.
What it’s About: Enormous monsters arise from a crevice in the Pacific Ocean, killing millions of people and threatening humanity. To combat them, mankind builds enormous robots driven by men tasked with stopping the threat. What Pacific Rim is Saying About Us: “Against an unforeseen and relentless foe, no technology can save man.”
World war z June 21st
That was 1-3% of the Earth’s population at the time. Fast forward 90 years, the world’s population has tripled, but the 2009 Swine Flu outbreak has killed 16,000 unlucky souls. Hypodermic needles with fluid injections may not be as sexy as stories-tall robots, but they’re just as good at kicking ass.
What Elysium is Saying About Us: “The meek shall inherit the Earth (except it’ll be real shitty because the rich people be rich peopl’n).” Why it’s Bullshit: Though modern living standards are better than ever for firstworld nations, each day it gets harder and harder for a poor person to engender change. Back in the day of pointy sharp metal sticks, all an unhappy peas-
ant had to do was poke the king, then the dude would get head lice and die in six hours. Modern medicine is basically the video game troll of modern society: Nice leg shot, newb. Poor people ain’t gonna fix shit.
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