The Black Sheep's
Fun and games issue
keep up all summer @BlackSheep_ISU
contents
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
page 4
page 4: What happens in Normal when you're not looking!
Stuck in BloNo over the summer? We've got the skinny on a dog parade.
page 4: Top 10: ways to leave your mark on campus You can't leave campus without starting a few deadly fires.
page 5: From the Streets
what's the first thing you're going to do after finals?
Table of
page 6: What Famous ISU Alum are You?
take the quiz and find out who you were in a past enrollment.
page 7: The Madlib
Move-out day is a drug-filled chase scene you'll never forget.
page 10: Are you smarter than Melisa, a bartender at western tap?
page 11: The Finals Dating Game
Which hot and steamy final do you want to take?
page 11
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page three p e e h S k c a l B e h T
p p A e l i Mob
BAR SPECIALS
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word of the week Reticents: The last five dollars in a college
student’s bank account, which they are hesitant to spend. “Emilio only had $2.36 in reticents in his bank account, so he put the ramen back on the shelf and left the grocery store hungry.”
page 4
The
Top 10
theblacksheeponline.com
Ways to Leave Your Mark On Campus
The year has dragged on way too long and you’re feeling insignificant. You’re not athletic, your major isn’t interesting, and you haven’t really done anything. Finals are here and you see the light at the end of the tunnel, but you kind of want to fuck up the tunnel a little bit so everyone behind you knows you were there before them. Here’s how. 10.) Fake A Sex Scandal: You don’t really have to fondle some old professor, just claim that some diddling occurred and the two of you will be instant celebrities. Pick a professor who wasn’t too kind to your report card, ruining a marriage is the perfect payback for a failing grade. 9.) Come Up With A New Catch Phrase: Who doesn’t remember, famous ISU alum, Jeremy Stoker and his even more famous phrase, “Move over, Magoo!” 4 years ago he changed campus life forever by giving the school something to stand behind and ending the ISU Race War of 2009. Come up with your own snappy tagline and you could become a legend just like him. 8.) Be the Designated Driver: The DD is loved and revered by drunks everywhere who just can’t get themselves home. It’s fiscally responsible too; they’ll throw money at you like you’re the sexiest stripper in the club. 7.) Innocent Graffiti: Change the lives of a few lucky students by drawing a nice set of balls, or a small cartoon involving graphic nudity. It’s a college bathroom so think “would what I’m drawing scar an 8-year-old?” If the answer is no, then think bigger and dickier.
What happens in Normal
when you’re not looking! Chong Lighter Meyers wrote this Ah, the birds are chirping, Emack and Bolio’s is booming, and the town is nearly dead. ISU students have gone home for the summer. We all know what goes on at ISU during the school year (hard work, dedication to studies, and abstinence of all forms), but what happens when the kids are away? Well, the BloNo community comes out to play! Here are just a few events happening in BloNo so you know what you’re missing… or what to look forward to if you’re stuck here because nobody wants you to come home. Pooch Parade and Pet Fair: No, we aren’t making this up. On May 4th the Mulberry School and the group R.A.I.N. will be hosting the annual Pet Fair. You can enter your pet into a costume contest, a cutest pet contest, a best owner and dog contest, and a most like Honey Booboo contest (tip: if you have a pug, your chances of winning skyrocket). There will also be vender booths, so if you feel the need to pick up a bottle of extrastrength flea repellant before your stanky roommates return, this is the purrrrrrfect opportunity! Not your style? How about The Sugar Creek Art Festival: There will be art, my friends, art as far as the eye can see! Which for uptown is roughly a block or two. If you love art like a white suburban kid loves rap, then make sure you throw the dates of July 6th and July 7th on your calendar. It’s gonna be dope, homeboy. Word up.
So you want to do something academically serious over the summer? Well, you’ve got ISU: Summer School Edition. We didn’t want to bring this up because nobody got time for that, but just in case you’re interested, for god knows why, there are summer classes available at ISU. Bonus! You lucky kids can stay on or off campus, where you can hopefully find one or two parties on the weekend… maybe. There’s also the Sweet Corn Blues Festival. Some of us may actually be back by August 24th and 25th and if you are too, this is a pretty sweet event in our book. There won’t be any booze, but if you dig the cool blues, a flea market type atmosphere, or have a sweet tooth for caramel corn and carnival food, then you’ll get a kick out of this one. The blues music is always smooth and smokey and the local shops in uptown have some crazy deals. The record stores have been known to just leave inventory on the sidewalk for free, and the comic book shop uses comic book ink for tattoos. Also, if you love crowds, this is the event for you. All types of people come out for this one, so people-watching is as easy and exciting as eating while pooping. If you are here during the summer, you’ll also enjoy local hippie/student drum circles on the quad. Every Wednesday night you can meet up with your fellow hippie folk and enjoy the Woodstock vibes on the “smoke-free” quad. Have a terrific summer, and be sure not to miss any of these amazing events!
6.) A Small Fire: We asked former president Al Bowman, and he recommends that when making a small fire you use a trash can and lighter fluid. “It’s all about location,” said Bowman, “try somewhere crazy like the president’s office. That’s my go-to place when I light fires.” 5.) Slut It Up: Ten years from now people are still going to be talking about that easy chick who screwed anything with legs (sorry Pauly Paraplegic). Have sex with enough people and they may just name an STD after you! 4.) Come up with a New Racial Slur: Who doesn’t remember infamous ISU Alum Charles Carson and his even more infamous slur “Knucklebuncher”? Four years ago he changed campus life forever by calling one of the albino students the famed phrase and starting the Race War of 2009. With the right combination of random words and the right non-legally recognized minority, you too can share Carson’s infamy. 3.) Drink the Most: You really want to be remembered? Go to every end of the year party you can and demand there be a drinking contest. Win every one and people will always remember “that asshole who wouldn’t shut up about drinking the most.”
2.) Offensive Graffiti: The Bone Student Center is a tall brick building that is just asking to be vandalized. You’ll need a 30 foot ladder and fucktons of spray paint, but it’ll be worth it by the time you’re finished. We recommend starting your graffiti with a famous painting and reinventing it by spray painting a bunch of scrotums on it. 1.) A Big Fire: Looking to go big or go home? Start a giant fire. Start by writing your name on the quad in gasoline and lead it into one of the buildings, in which, you have stored a mass quantity of fireworks. Laugh maniacally on top of the burning building as you watch the hand of friendship become the flaming hand of doom. Enjoy your last day of school before you’re carted away by hundreds of police officers and have your name forever be associated with “That Crazy-Ass Pyro.”
Scoop Chang wrote this
From the Streets
[PartyPics]
Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
What's the first thing you're going to do after finals? “Rest and relax. I'll probably hang out with friends and try to enjoy nature.” - Jeff H., Junior
“Sleep. Then I have to go to work.” - Pat R., Junior
“Nap. Maybe go on a magical journey through the woods.” - Sam P., Junior
send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
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page 6
theblacksheeponline.com
the Quiz
What famous ISU Alumnus are you?
1) Which of these appeals to you most? a) Being in charge of finances for a state saddled with debt. b) Getting paid to hang out with Jenna Fischer. c) Tackling as many men as I possibly can. 2) Where did you grow up? a) Chicago suburbs, so yeah basically the city. b) South of I-80, so the suburbs still, kind of, and basically the city. c) Chicago, bitch. 3) What do you like to do in your free time? a) Bury my face in my hands and wonder why I got myself into this mess. b) Cool black guy things. c) Relax and recover from another week of bodily abuse, physically and emotionally. 4) Did you star in the film Pineapple Express? a) Mmm yes, yes I did. b) Nope, that movie was a terrible influence on our youth. c) Maybe? I've had so many concussions I can barely remember where I live.
By: Sevin Ketze
5) Which of these sounds the most like something you'd say? a) “Remember guys, SAFETY first! Ha ha ha! 'Cause I'm a--yeah, you get it!” b) “Cut the bullshit, Governor Quinn, and tell me where your treasure is buried.” c) “You ain’t got no style, mothafucka." 6) You consider yourself a... a) Person with a strong personality… multiple strong personalities, you could say. b) Numbers person, not a person who dresses like a number, but good at math. c) Person who is the safety for the Chicago Bears. 7) Politically, I lean... a) Left, it’s the culture here. b) Forward, it helps me get momentum to take the ball carrier down quickly. c) Straight right like the straight arrow of a man I am. Straight straight straight. 8) You'd never catch me doing... a) Cocaine, because I'm extremely discreet about it. b) The throwing. That's the ball throwing guy's job! I'm the tacklin' guy! c) Jenna Fischer, 'cause she's married. But I so would.
answers answers answers answers answers
8-12: You're Illinois Treasurer Dan Rutherford! By getting this result and reading these words, you hereby consent to take over as the new treasurer. Don't worry, you only have to do the job until you manage to trick somebody into taking over for you! As is tradition.
13-18: You're actor Craig Robinson! You have an awesome life and get to spend it hanging around a bunch of really cool and funny people. Also, did you know you have a Masters of Education? Which means you can totally drop out of school, no sense getting another undergraduate degree!
19-24: You're new Chicago Bears safety Tom Nelson! You're mysterious, quiet, and there's hardly anything about you on Google. You might never be a household name, but you're perfectly content to work behind the scenes. And smash your head into things. Professionally.
now hiring! 1) A-1, B-2, c-3 • 2) a-3, b-1, c-2 • 3) a-1, b-2, c-3 • 4) a-2, b-1, c-3 • 5) a-3, b-1, c-2 • 6) a-2, b-3, c-1 • 7) a-2, b-3, c-1 • 8) a-1, b-3, c-2
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page 7
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the madlib
GRR! it's the madlib!
Man, you should have been there when my parents came to pick me up from school. Well, technically just my mom. She remarried a ___1___, and he’s not my real dad. It’s a long story. I was standing outside of ___2___ holding a ___3___ full of ___4___ in one arm and all of the ___5___ in Illinois in the other, when my roommate ___6___ called and said I had left ___7___ gallons of ___8___ in the room and the RAs were about to do inspections. I ___9___ all the way to my room, ___10___ everyone that got in my way, even those ___11___ security guards. Right before I got to my room, I got stopped by ___12___ and ___13___, the hot twins who sat behind me in ___13___ class with the huge ___14___. “I just stopped you to say, I’ve always wanted to ___15___ your-” was all I heard before they got knocked out by the ___16___ a guard threw to try to stop me. I left them behind and ___17___ through the door, grabbed the ___18___, and jumped out the window, taking all of it before I landed on a ___19___. I stood up and wiped all of the ___20___ off of me just as my parents pulled up in their ___21___. They didn’t notice anything, but as soon as we started driving away, it all hit me like a ton of ___22___. All of the ___23___ outside started turning into ___24___ and my mom’s ___25___ looked like ___26___.
1: Type of Animal 2: Dorm building 3: Action 4: A cheap beer 5: Plural noun 6 Name 7: Number 8: Drug 9: Past tense verb 10: Verb ending in "ing" 11: Adjective 12: Name for person who’s the gender you like boning 13: Another name
They never said anything about it, but I’m pretty sure they figured it out when I started yelling, “I AM KING OF ___27___!” and wet myself.
14: Subject 15: Plural body part 16: Noun 17: Past tense verb 18: Same drug as 8 19: Noun 20: Body fluid 21: Type of vehicle 22: Plural noun 23: Type of plant 24: Male movie star 25: Body part 26: Famous painting 27: Plural insect
By: Mitch Vaginapun
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page 10
theblacksheeponline.com
are you smarter than?
Melisa, a bartender at Western Tap
1) Technology: Who is the largest cell phone service provider in the United States? __________________________________________________
6) Slogans: What car company trumps themselves as the "Ultimate Driving Machines"? __________________________________________________
2) The Wild: The black mamba is the most poisonous what in the world? __________________________________________________
7) Famous Speeches: Which President of the United States issued a warning against the rise of the militaryindustrial complex in his farewell address? __________________________________________________
3) History: Bushido was a way of life practiced by these romanticized warriors of days past. __________________________________________________ 4) Comedy: Famously, where does SNL character Matt Foley live? __________________________________________________ 5) Sports: In 2012 R.A. Dickey won what prestigious award? __________________________________________________
9) Current Events: The bombs used in the recent Boston Marathon bombings were housed in what? __________________________________________________ 10) TV: What much-loved TV show sparked rumors of a comeback ten years after going off the air? __________________________________________________
1) Verizon 2) Snake 3) Samurai 4) In a van down by the river 5) Cy Young/NL Cy Young 6) BMW 7) Dwight D. Eisenhower 8) Friedrich Engels 9) Pressure cookers 10) Friends
correct answers
8) Politics: Who co-authored 1848's The Communist Manifesto with Karl Marx? __________________________________________________
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page 11
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The Finals Dating Game Isaac Dreidelschleitze wrote this Welcome once again, ladies and gentlemen, to the 312th annual Finals Dating Game! We’re filmed in front of a live studio audience of proud parents, terrified siblings, and homeless people! (We told them we’d pay them to be here.) This is of course the Finals Dating Game, and with that, there are several finals to choose from! Finals, will you come out now? Boos and jeers erupt from the crowd as several scantron sheets are placed upon seats on the stage. A few professors in the audience stand up and cheer for their favorite finals, but were met with ugly stares from others in the audience. And of course, we need that one lucky student who gets to take these finals. Isaac Dreidelschleitze, COME ON DOWN!!! Isaac Dreidelschleitze appears on stage moments later with his notebook and pencil in hand, nervously looking over his notes. “Ah shit, why me? I haven’t studied at all and I spent all last night watching Battlestar Galactica.” That’s great, Isaac. Now you know how the game works. You’ll ask questions of the three unknown finals, and based on their responses you’ll get to choose which one you’d like to take first. These are going to be questions of character, of desire, of… passion. “Oh, so I can’t ask any of them what color their answer key is?” The audience jeers and applauds as Isaac cleverly smirks at the host. “Okay okay, so final number 1, what is your idea of a perfect date?”
Well, I’d love to wake up before the sunrise. People often say I’m mysterious. You think you know me, but then I can surprise you. Say you spent all night studying for me, and you think that you know me inside and out, but then I might just pop out of my lecture and throw some curveballs at you. Isaac nervously goes to the next contestant. “Final number two, if you were a grilled chicken sandwich, what kind of sandwich would you be?” I’m sorry, I don’t quite understand your question. Could you repeat it again? “If you were a grilled chicken sandwich, what kind of sandwich would you be?” I guess…grilled chicken. “Hmm…I see. Third contestant, same question?” I’d be the most delicious grilled chicken sandwich you’ve ever tasted. You’d put me in your mouth, I’d go down nice and smooth, and you’d be full almost instantly. What can I say? I aim to please. “Ooh, you sound nice. What kind of final are you?” I’m a ENG 101 final! The final winks at the crowd with a pencil mark covering one of her bubbles. “I’ve heard about ENG 101 finals. Aren’t you supposed to be really easy? I mean everyone takes you, don’t they?” That doesn’t make me any less desirable! Trust me, you’ll feel reeeally good about yourself afterwards.
“Ahh. Okay…” Isaac shifts his weight back towards the host who stared at him with a look of concerned mania. HAVE YOU MADE A DECISION YET, ISAAC? “I believe I have. I’m going to choose…contestant number two. Come here baby, I got my pencil sharpened and I’m ready!” A stagehand lifts the stool that the final was sitting on and brings it over to Isaac. A hush fills the crowd and Isaac excitedly lays his eyes upon the Scantron sheet with glee. “It’s…It’s…” Isaac faints and the crowd gasps collectively. Somebody call an ambulance! Shouts the host, as he tries to resuscitate Isaac, putting an eraser up to his nose to calm him down. Isaac soon comes to his
senses and sat up. “Oh crap. Sorry, I don’t know what came over me. I just stared at the final, and I was about to take it.” Isaac stares at the final again and faints again. What the hell is going on here? The host picks up the final and read the first line aloud. You have one hour to complete this examination in the course Philosophy 360, the prompt is: “Define Truth, and explain why we can’t possibly define truth.” The host faints as well. “Hey, it’s not that hard!” yelled out a philosophy professor from the crowd. And with that, the lights went down on the stage. Students returned to the libraries to bury their faces in books, others returned to their rooms to bury their faces in cheerleaders, and all was right in the world. From all of us here at The Black Sheep, good luck on your finals!
THE page 12
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The seek n find: ultimate frisbee
the crossword: Studying for finals
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Across 1) Literature majors online study buddy 4) Secret Starbucks super-strong coffee 5) Last-second study session 11) Coffee alternative for the weak 12) Hope you've taken notes since day one if you've got one of these exams 13) Don't let one audibly slip in the library 14) They always manage to break right before your paper is due 17) Look at these for last minute cramming 18) Biblioteca, according to Spaniards 19) Where to vent your #studyprobz 20) Coffee shits can be described as such
DOWN 2) As finals get closer, the price of this goes higher 3) A bubbly test form 6) "Adderall Alternative" by Genetech Pharmaceutical 7) "To ___ perchance to dream" 8) Adderall and meth have this in common 9) The social networking mecca of procrastination 10) It streams hours of procrastination 12) The lifeblood of studying 15) You'll have to borrow these after never going to class 16) Scientific word for "why coffee makes you pee"
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