THE BLACK SHEEP PRESENTS THE FUN AND GAMES FINALS ISSUE theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheep_isu
Volume 3, Issue 8 11/29/12 - 12/7/12
EK N DO THE SEPAGE FIND ON 14
IVIA DO THE TGRE 5 ON PA
JUST... P U JUST GIVE
ADLIB DO THE MGE 7 ON PA
ORD DO THE WON SEARCH 5 PAGE 1
QUIZ TAKE THEGE 5 ON PA OT TAKE A SH
LL PRANK CAOMYOUR ROE MAT
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pAge 4: sAntA's fiRst dAY At iLLinois stAte YOU COULD ALWAYS GET AHEAD IN YOUR CLASSES... HA, JOKES.
pAge 5: ARe You smARteR tHAn
Table of
MAGGIE MILEY'S BARTENDER DREW BLAISE
pAge 6: tHe best WAY to get ARRested duRing finALs WeeK WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH, JUST SABOTAGE EVERYBODY ELSE.
pAge 6: tHe top ten: tHings tHAt HAppened At isu tHis YeAR. WHAT A WONDERFUL YEAR FOR NORMAL, AND THEREFORE THE WORLD.
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word of the week GAS HAS RYE
SYNCH KEEN YEN
Do you know who these celebrity hotties are? Send your answers to anagrams@theblacksheeponline.com first five right answers get a prize!
quipster:
A person who uses outdated phrases in an attempt to be amusingly ironic. “What do you mean you think I sound like an idiot? Well how ‘bout you just go talk to the hand, ‘cuz this face don’t wanna hear it?”
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FROM THE STREETS Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
how do you continue your college lifestyle while home? "i like to spend the time with my family. i just sort of hang out at home more than anything else."- Andy D., Sophomore
SANTA’S FIRST DAY AT ILLINOIS STATE
"i'm constantly immersed in graduate school work. When i'm at home i hardly go out, and i do nothing but work." - Ned M., Grad Student
isAAC dReideLsCHeLitZe WRote tHis “Excuse me? Where can I park my reindeer?” Santa laid down his luggage on the floor in the main lobby at Hewett-Manchester and heaved a heavy sigh. With his luggage, he carried a red and green lava lamp, several different pairs of red slacks and shirts, as well as a red cap with a furry white ball on top that read “TKE.” He was ready to fit in at Illinois State.
sit on his lap. He found a room with a few girls sitting in their pajamas. “Well hello there young ladies! Have you all been good this year?”
“Sir, you’ll need to purchase several parking spaces to hold your reindeer for this semester, and parking is limited, so they will have to be separated, I’m afraid.”
“Great Blitzen’s ghost…” Santa tried to maintain his composure as he sat down on a futon in the room. “Okay, who wants to sit on Daddy’s…I mean Santa’s lap first?” Before the first girl could sit on his lap, the futon burst under his weight, and he fell onto the floor, spilling candy canes everywhere. “I've got to go" santa cried ”how embarrassing."
“Separated? What in the hell are you talking about? Do you know who I am? I’m Kris motha-lovin’ Kringle. I don’t wanna hear separated. My reindeer bring joy to boys and girls all across the world. Separated, she says! Unbelievable!” Santa looked at his feet and heaved another heavy sigh. “…How much will it cost?” On the foreign exchange floor at Manchester Santa carried all his bags through the skinny hallways and found his room. “Soop broseph?” A Russian exchange student wearing a tye-dye t-shirt greeted him at the doorway. “I’m Elliot!” Elliot shook Santa's glove and showed him around the place. Santa sat on the bed and looked around the room. Reading one of the posters on Elliot’s side of the room, Santa was intrigued. “Lamb of God? Are they a Christian rock band? I just love Christian rock!” Santa looked up and smiled at Elliot optimistically. Elliot offered to play some Lamb of God for Santa, and he excitedly agreed, “I’d love to hear it!” Santa’s second roommate was a lot less threatening. His name was Spencer, and he was a “hipster” who loved Santa for who he truly was: a retro fad. “Nice digs, bro!” Spencer welcomed Santa into his room and prepared some organic tea for him. “Do you have any hot chocolate?” Santa was thirsty for some real drinks, not this tea shit. Setting up his laptop and iClaus, Santa went around the floor looking for cute girls he could have
“Of course, Santa! We’re always good. Except on Saturday nights. Then we’re bad!” They looked up seductively at Santa.
Later that night Santa went out with a few people he had met from the floor to a house on the far side of Normal. They said they were going to try a “new kind of candy” called Mary Jane. “A candy that I haven’t heard of? I’ve got to try this!” Santa entered into the dark basement his friends had taken him to and sat down on the sturdy couch. “All right Santa dude, all you gotta do is take a deep breath from this here candy cane and you’ll feel awesome, trust me!” They handed Santa the device and watched as Santa inhaled. He held in his breath for about 2 minutes, finally releasing the smoke. “Ho ho ho! That’s good! You boys have been very good this year. I feel as if I have known you my whole life! Anybody got any gingerbread? I could eat a whole plate of it! You know those damn kids just leave me plates of cookies, I can’t stand it.” As the night grew dark and cold over Illinois State, Santa returned to his dorm room ready for class the next day. He hardly fit on the bed, but eating one last army of gingerbread men, he felt he was going to really enjoy going to Illinois State—for a little bit anyways.
"At home i don't go to as many house parties and tend to go clubbing instead. i try to come home around 2a.m. instead of like, you know, 7? i do my very best to not come home drunk too." - Yesenia R., Junior
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are you smarter than? bartender Drew Blaise 1) United States History Lee Harvey Oswald assassinated President John F. Kennedy from this Dallas location in 1963. Answer: "Texas School Book Depository"
6) Entertainment Kurt Russell and Nick Nolte -- among others -- failed to land a role as this iconic science fiction character. Answer: “Bill Nye the Science Guy” (incorrect)
2) Food The Trinidad Moruga Scorpion is currently the world's hottest chili. Chili heat is measured in these units. Answer: “Heat Index” (incorrect)
7) Literature This author of the acclaimed novel Infinite Jest is beloved by hipsters and academics alike. Answer: “Dan Brown” (incorrect)
3) Geography These plates' edges are found at fault lines around the world. What huge pieces or rock make up the Earth's crust? Answer: “T-something” (incorrect)
8) World Religion Medina is the second holiest city in the Islam faith. Which city is considered the holiest? Answer: “Mecca”
4) Math Describe the radius, diameter and circumference of a circle. Answer: “Radius is from a point on the outside of a circle to it's center, diameter is the distance across a circle, and circumference is the distance around a circle.”
9) Biology What is Ribonucleic Acid more commonly known as? Answer: “RNA” 10) Current Events Name the former Director of the CIA that was forced to resign in light of an extramarital affair. Answer: “General David Petraeus”
correct answers 1) Texas School Book Depository 2) Scoville Units 3) Tectonic plates 4) Radius is from a point on the outside of a circle to it's center, diameter is the distance across a circle, and circumference is the distance around a circle. 5) Photography 6) Han Solo 7) David Foster Wallace 8) Mecca 9) RNA 10) General David Petraeus
5) Technology The daguerreotype was the first commercially successful method of this. Answer: “Flying” (incorrect)
Quiz: Which ISU late-night campus eatery are you?
3. How many flex dollars do you have left? a: Please...please...no...more...bagels. b: Oh shit, I forgot about those. c: Tons, but I'm saving them so I can raid the candy machines. d: Like...1-ish?
7. a=2, b=1, c=3, d=0 8. a=1, b=3, c=2, d=0
answer key
7. Can you move? a: I can crawl. b: I'm just trying to focus on breathing and not puking. c: Yeah, but I sure as hell aint going outside. d: I feel great! I feel like I'm 20 years old again! 8. Reach into your pockets/boobs: how much money do you have? a: I have pepper spray...that'll work in a pinch, probably. b: A crisp $50 bill from Grandma. c: A few wadded up $1s and some change. d: Money? Geez, is that all these greedy restaurants care about?
5. a=2, b=0, c=1, d=3 6. a=2, b=3, c=1, d=0
4. How are you feeling right now? a: Stone cold sober. b: Stone Cold Steve Austin. c: Can you carry me and hold my shoes? d: Please don't make me move.
6. Are you a healthy eater? a: HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! b: Yeah, but after midnight, all bets are off. c: Dude, watterson has a VAT of Alfredo sauce. I'm only human. d: Absolutely... I'm going to starve tonight, aren't I?
3. a=3, b=0, c=2, d=1 4. a=0, b=2, c=1, d= 3
2. What are your post-grubbing plans? a: kEeP dIs PaRtAy RoCkIn DaWg!!! b: Get my stomach pumped at BroMenn. c: Stumble home, crawl into bed and hope for the best. d: Start textin' exes. This'll totally work!
5. Where do you live? a: North campus! Weeeooooo! Party! b: The dorms. c: A posh luxury suite. d: Above some business in Uptown.
1. a=1, b=0, c=2, d=3 2. a=0, b=2, c=3, d=1
1. When the late-night tummy rumbles hit, what do you look for in a restaurant? a: Food. b: Free food. c: Lots of food. d. Delicious food.
drew's score: 5/10 correct 0-6 points: Your empty fridge You drunkenly stare into the empty depths of your fridge. Something distracts you, like the TV, a text message, or the police knocking on the door, and you completely forget about eating page 11 food. Pop a few multivitamins, chug some water, and call it a night.
7-12 points: subway If you're low on cash, high on flex, or already in your jammie jams, look no further than your dorm lobby. You're probably sick to death of Subway by now, but hey, you can't beat free meal plan food. And by free, we mean your parents paid for it. Tomato, tomahto... huh, that doesn't really work in text.
13-18 points: Merry Anne's For those nights when "good enough" is more than enough. It's centrally located on College and Fell, so it's close to almost every apartment, house, or dorm (sorry Tri!), and the food is cheap and plentiful. But remember, just because it's on your plate doesn't mean you have to eat it. Keep this in mind and your bed sheets will thank you. Well, really, they probably won't. Bed sheets are ungrateful as hell.
19-24 points: DP Dough The opus of late-night feasting. It's hot, it's tasty, and they'll bring it right to you. You don't even have to put on pants! ...but they'd appreciate it anyway. They even have "drunk cards" so you can order even when you can't form a sentence or operate a phone. Now that's a business that knows its customers.
The Top 10
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Things That Happened at ISU This Year
THE BEST WAY TO GET ARRESTED DURING FINALS WEEK KittY poKeR WRote tHis Maaaan, finals are BORING. You studied…kind of. And now you and your buddies are cruisin' around town, smokin’ some cigarettes and lookin’ to get into a little mischief. You get to thinking -- wouldn’t it be awesome if, instead of taking those finals we’d do terribly on anyway, we just land in jail and use that excuse to not take finals!? Because we’re always thinking of you, we’ve created a step by step guide to ending up behind bars, guaranteed. Here at The Black Sheep, we’re always thinking of ways to get into trouble because, coincidentally, all of our middle names are “Trouble.” Seriously. All of us. It’s a weird employment prerequisite. buy supplies: You’re thinking “But Kitty, we don’t even know what we’re doing yet: How can we buy supplies?” Just shut up, go to Walmart, and follow our lead. You’re being annoying already. Okay, so you need black pants, a black long sleeve shirt, and a rainbow ski mask. Wait, we’re calling an audible - let's make that a black mask instead. Hell yeah. Next, you’re going to grab some airhorns, a can of flesh-toned spray paint, and a couple bags of marbles. After that, stop at Petco and grab a few bags of reptile food, i.e. crickets. Now, stop standing around like a bunch of pansy finals-takers. There's major fuck-uppery that needs doing, so get going! place distractions: On the Sunday before finals week, get dressed in your ninja attire. Your first stop is the Hand of Friendship next to Hovey Hall. You know, that monstrous Hulk green hand outstretched towards the quad like it’s offering some kind of gift? Well, you’re about to make it do just that. Grab your can of spray paint and paint the best, prettiest, veiniest dick you’ve ever painted in your entire life right on the palm. Admire your artwork, and then hide the can of spray paint. Don’t make it too visible, but make sure it can be found when the fuzz looks for clues. That should tie 'em up for a bit! Next, make your way to Milner. It’s going to be crowded with a bunch of douchey “good students” studying their balls off for some arbitrary grade, so be careful and play it cool. Take off your masks, put on a jacket so no one can see that you’re wearing all black, and make a beeline for the elevator. Hit floor five, the maximum
quiet study floor, and silently move to an empty corner. Take out one of your bags of crickets, set those little bastards free, and get out of there without anyone realizing what you did. Not so silent anymore, eh? Now, pull your masks back on and head for Schroeder. Take out the rest of your supplies and walk through the halls of Schroeder dumping marbles here, and crickets there. The details of this step are vital; if you dump crickets here and marbles there, the whole plan goes to shit. When you're done, it'll be real hard to walk through the building without tripping or screaming, which, along with the chirps of crickets, will make it almost impossible for anyone in the most densely populated building to take their finals in peace. Then go home and cuddle with your man friends because tomorrow morning, you guys are going to make your final kill. Haha. Get it? Finals. Final kill. You’re going to kill finals. God, that's funny. the grand finale: Get up at 7 in the morning and dress in easily removable clothing, like basketball shorts and a t-shirt. Underwear won’t be necessary. Don’t forget your airhorns. Walk into Edwards, and act normal. You’re just a couple of bros on your way to Capen for your 7:50 Geology final. Go to the bathroom, disrobe, and do a quick “no homo” so you’re all able to make eye contact without never-before-felt emotions getting in the way. Airhorns in hand, bust into Capen at 8:15. Put your balls on someone’s shoulder. Stand up on the stage and do some helicopter dick. Replace someone’s pencil with your penis. If anybody calls you a dick or an asshole, high-five them and be all "HAHAHA, I GET IT!" Just make sure to keep blowin' that airhorn until someone finally catches you. And that’s it! You’re in! Being in jail must be awesome, it's free and they feed you. Who cares that you have like, five felony counts against you? And so what if you have to pay for an exterminator to raid Schroeder and Milner with expensive pussy-ass "human-safe poison"? Wait what, you’ve gotta scrub the dick off of the Hand of Friendship too? AND you got kicked out of ISU? Eh…whatever. At least you didn’t have to take finals!
10.) four more Years for Al bowman!: It's a great year for black presidents everywhere. The board of trustees voted in October to extend university president Al Bowman's contract for four years. When we tried to reach him for comment, Bowman declined, saying "I don't like that paper, they have a habit of completely lying about things I say. Dick shit sprinkles." 9.) Jaywalking Crackdown: The Normal and ISU police departments put their snouts to the grindstone to tackle a growing threat: the illegal transportation of human torsos across designated automobile paths. "I'm glad they're looking out for our safety," said the unfortunately named John Fakename, "I only learned to look both ways and cross the street when I was four, and I'm still getting the hang of it." 8.) suddenly everybody Has guns: While the War on Pedestrians raged in the middle-east side of campus, half the town apparently got strapped with a nine-gat, or whatever the dopeass dogs say all up in the nowadays. More crime alerts seemed to go out this year than in the past few years combined, and most involved firearms. So protect yourself, buy a gun! 7.) burger King: Have it flambé: America's favorite "There's nothing else around so I guess we'll have to settle for this" restaurant got flame-broiled toward the end of spring semester. But the collective prayers of nobody were answered, when it rose again from the ashes to provide the campus with as many $1 Chick'n Crisps as anyone could ever want. 6.) the great Watterson flood: We covered this extensively in the last issue, so dig around your "priceless/irreplaceable objects" footlocker where all your old The Black Sheeps go and check it out! Unless you're still not ready to relive the horror. Still, it'd be awesome if you could pull it out and look at all the ads and buy all the products they tell you to buy. Don't ask me what you're going to do with six apartments, that's not our problem. 5.) Ryan stiles is awesome: The star of television's "I don't know whether I'm supposed to say this or you are" stopped by Maggie Miley's to drown away the sorrows of constantly being bothered by fans, but we sure showed him! 4.) occupy blo-no is no mo': Fire continued its winning streak by torching the months-abandoned occupy tent in the middle of Milner Plaza in late April. Thankfully no one was inside, as they had all moved on to support "Occupy our normal day-to-day lives." Fight on, activists! 3.) southside Closes: ISU students were devastated by the loss of one fourth of our dorm areas. "I'm always going to miss the...the, uhhh...it was really close to McDonalds," said one teary-eyed student. "Plus, the rooms were really... hmm... living in Southside definitely helped keep me out of my room and active." 2.) the Winter that Wasn't: Apparently the winter of 2011 was awful enough, and winter decided to take a year off, despite its inability to think or make decisions. But what does 2013 hold in store for us? "Looking at the radar and projections for January-March, there's a 100% chance... of weather!" said some guy in a sweater-vest, before chuckling, sucking a corncob pipe, and flying away. 1.) the poopetrator: This year, a hero walked among us in disguise. Whenever a janitor had nothing to do, or a student was lacking in crazy stories to tell his friends, he would appear... and just start smearing shit on everything. But like most heroes, he was misunderstood and alone, and seems to have moved on. We'll never forget you, Poopetrator. Until we do. Thanks to Redditors don-t_care, spambandit, the_armada, summerr, bigpoppinstlye, helloboots, cutsman4057, and backand-forth for contributing ideas!
seVin KetZe WRote tHis
the madlib
LAST NIGHT ON CAMPUS
Man, my last night on campus was the ___1___-est night I’ve ever had! It was the kind of you night we knew we might regret, but out of nowhere it got really ___2___. We were on our way to the ___3___ store when we found a huge bag of ___4___. And they were all ___5___ too. My friend ___6___ tried to ___7___ some of them into his ___8___, but he just ended up getting ___9___ all over his ___10___, so we had to walk ___11___ miles back to my apartment. When we got back to my place, we saw that someone broke my ___12___ and painted a ___13___ on my girlfriend’s ___14___. ___15___ cleaned the ___16___ up and we grabbed all of our ___17___ to go beat the ___18___ off of all the guys who messed up my place. The drive took about an hour and we ran over about ___19___ or so ___20___ on the way, but it was worth it, 'cause we got to kick some asses. We tied them together by their ___21___ and drove them back to the ___22___. Even though they were begging us to stop, we covered them in ___23___, rolled them around in ___24___ and hung them to the flagpole by their ___25___. Now everybody knows who I am! Whenever I see anyone with a school shirt, they always say, “Hey, aren’t you that ___26___?” What a cool nickname! Remember to spend your last day on campus ___27___-out so you can always be remembered too! You should try ___28___ a ___29___. That’ll spread your name around! bY: mitCH VAginApun
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$3 Pitchers Coors Light and Miller Lite $3 Fireball Shots
$3 Smirnoff Vodka Drinks (Any Flavor)
mondAY
$3.00 Pitchers of Hamms
Well To Do Tuesday $3 All WELL Vodka, Gin, Rum, Tequila, American Whiskey and Liquors
$2 You-Call-Its
$2 Domestic Longnecks $3 Imports, Micros, & Rail Calls
$3 Captain Morgan
tuesdAY
Karaoke Starting at 9pm $2.00 Well Drinks and Miller Lite Pints
Whiskey Wednesday $3 All CALL American, Irish, Scotch and Canadian Whiskey
$7 Premium Pitchers
$4 Bud Family Pitchers, Vodka Red Bull, & All Bombs
Bucket Day! $9 Domestic Buckets (5 Bottles)
WednesdAY
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Crazy Uncle Jackson’s $20 Gift Basket Bonanza!!! Hi there, it’s your favorite crazy uncle here, Andrew Jackson! When I’m not busy being the long-dead seventh President of the United States, I’m all about saving college students some money. Why, in my day those crazy college kids, they where the best—they’d rub a piss-soaked sheepskin in a scotsman’s face and call it a Tuesday! Now, you’re getting ahead of yourself ole’ Andrew, you’re on the $20, and that’s ‘bout all kids got to spend on gifts this holidee season, so what can ya’ll kids get, and for whom?
FOR THe VeRY VIRgINaL
FOR THe SUpeR STUDY BUDDY
FOR THe ROWDY ROOMMaTe
Wallflower, shy guy, “Hey, isn’t that the guy who had his face mangled by a rabid squirrel?”, whatever he’s called, it’s all shorthand for, “This dude has certainly never felt the carnal pleasures of a woman.” He knows it, you know it, and he knows you know it. This holiday season give him some pep in his step by providing him a gift pack that screams, “Please stop making it difficult to discuss sex in front of you and just go get laid already.”
If she wouldn’t have lent you her notes for every exam, quiz, paper, recitation, essay, response, presentation, lab, practical and speech that evil teacher in your should-be-easy elective assigned, you’d be jerking off lion tamers in tht circus for spare coins right now. You may not like her, but you need her. How does one say, “Same time next semester?” without coming off like a selfish prick?
The first time Kevin punched a hole in the wall was funny. The second time it was irritating. When he lit the carpet on fire and then peed it out, you finally lost it. Maybe you haven’t spoke to him since September, but a holiday gift basket would be the backhanded holiday season gesture to rekindle that fire. No, not the one on the carpet.
1 pint of shitty vodka ($4) When he finally gets to pop that cherry, he’s not going to want to remember any of it. 1 trojan pleasures extended 3-pack ($5) Even Old Faithful blushes when he erupts too early. 1 pocket Kama sutra ($6) Yes, page one has the missionary position on it. 14gb mircosd Card ($4) He needs to learn from his mistakes, of which there will be many, so he needs something to store the play-by-play data. FOR THe BROKeST OF BROS He’d be the life of the party if he could ever afford to attend one. Instead, when he does scrape a few bucks together he nabs a handle of the cheapest vodka he can find and watches his one DVD, a stolen copy of Pocahontas, by himself. Hobos are giving this dude change. 1 maruchan top Ramen Chicken 6-pack ($1.50) He may say he’s so thin because it makes the ladies love him, but you see the way he eyes your nuggets like a feral dog. Dude’s starving. 1 12oz bottle of sriracha sauce ($3) Everything he eats may taste like shit, but there are ways to mask gross flavors, ask any sorostitute who’s used flavored condoms. 2 months of netflix streaming ($9) The first month may be free, but the second month, in the lonely, cold dregs of February, will allow him to cozy up to the warmth of Ron Swanson’s fiery moustache. 1 Charmin ultra soft 4-pack ($6) Crap goes in, crap comes out, angrily. Might as well have the fluffiest bouncers imaginable guarding the exit, making sure everyone leaves in an orderly fashion.
1 starbucks gift card ($5) She’ll need a latte to stay up late if she’s going to finish that chemistry lab write-up for you by morning. 1 study smart, study Less: Earn Higher Grades and Better Test Scores ($8) If Rachel doesn’t study harder, how are you going to stay in school AND go out every Wednesday night? 1 post-it tags ($4) She needs to bookmark the important pages, so you can know which pages are important. 1 funky star sticker roll ($3) Don’t give these to the study buddy all at once. Keep them, and use them as a motivational tool, putting one (with a clever message) on each pack of notes you return to her. FOR THe MOTHeR HeN Sure, she’s only a sophomore, but before the girls head out she lines them up by height for a quick headcount, lest someone try to escape her Sauronesque glare later in the evening. If a girl talks to a guy for more than fifteen minutes she intervenes, letting him know that “his future rape victim” is taken. She thinks that if one gal deviates from the evening’s plans no one will have any fun, especially her. 1 magnacraft 10x25 pair of binoculars ($10) With eagleeye vision, she’ll be able to protect other groups of girls from any college campus’ number one danger: Having fun. 1 Leash ($6) Like any bunch of bitches, these girls need to be kept close. 1 Whistle bracelet ($2) As the sex referee, she needs to decide if Trina needs to spend two minutes in the penalty box for letting Mark spend a few minutes in her love box. 1 Appointment book ($2) If Kathy isn’t outside of the club by 11:20 so we can hit the club next door by 11:30, she’s totally out of the group… which is exactly what Kathy wants.
1 dap spackling kit, 1/2 pint ($6) Nothing quite says, “I love you, but I also secretly hate you, so you better fix this shit immediately” like spackle for the holidays. 1 great neck 1-inch putty knife ($6) The edges aren’t sharp, so he won’t be able to stab you, accidentally or not. 1 Woolite pet stain & odor Remover 22oz bottle ($4) It uses the spray and cleans the carpet, or its remains end up in a tar pit. 1 Korky plunger ($4) Finally, no excuse for him to say, “Dude, you’ll have to shit outside, sorry, I clogged the toilet yacking this morning.” FOR THe HOMeTOWN HOMeBOY Mary’s nice. She’s funny, she’s smart, she does well with men, hell, she even called you on your birthday-- an actual phone call! Still, she chose to live with her parents and attend community college, and you want to make sure he knows what you think of her poor life choices. Sadly, those pictures of a football player sucking on ya titties make you look fat, so something else will have to do. 1 soda Can stash ($8) No matter the vice, a parent will find it. Unless, of course, it’s hidden in a fake soda can. 4 Random shirts from the local goodwill. When she’s forced to unironically sport a “Beaumont Football, 2A State Champions Class of 1989” t-shirt as her local sport high water mark, she’ll feel the pangs of sadness not rooting for big-conference sports brings. 1 Cigarette Hitter Rod ($5) When she takes a job on the third shift at the local taco shell plant she’ll need to mask her bad habit with another legal, deadlier one. 1 Community college bumper sticker ($3) When she realizes she’s too embarrassed to pop this on her Ford Focus, she’ll have to reevaluate her life decisions. Score, social strata superiority.
HOLIDAY ENTERTAINMENT MATRIX blowin’ up
Les Miserables WIZ KHALIFA - O.N.I.F.C.
DJANGO UNCHAINED
KESHA - WARRIOR
WII U
Bruno Mars Unorthodox Jukebox
lame
cool Big boi - vicious lies and dangerous rumors
GUARDIANS OF MIDDLE EARTH GUILT TRIP
JaCK REACHER ANGELS AND AIRWAVES STOMPING THE PHANTOM BRAKE PEDAL
under-hyped
HOTLINE MIAMI
CHRISTMAS MOVIES DRINKING GAME
Home Alone
A Christmas Story
National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation
take a drink when someone crashes into the mccallister lawn jockey take a drink when anytime a scene features hilariously deadly head trauma take a drink when anyone says, “Uh, he should be dead, right?” take a drink when you notice product placement take a drink for “keVin!” take two drinks for every old man marley sighting take two drinks when kevin talks to himself or breaks the fourth wall chug your drink during “carol of the bells”
Take a drink for every mention of a Red Rider BB Gun. Take a drink when Ralphie daydreams. Take a drink when Mom serves food. Take a drink when someone says “you’ll shoot your eye out!” Take a drink when Randy whines or cries. Take two drinks when the neighbor’s dogs piss off Mr. Parker. Take two drinks when anytime you see any Wizard of Oz character or the Wizard of Oz is mentioned Take two drinks when anytime someone says "major award" or assumes a word is Italian Chug your drink during the Chinese renditions of “Deck the Halls,” and “Jingle Bells” Chug your drink for the Old Man’s lamp
Take a drink when Clark endangers himself or others in pursuit of the ultimate Christmas Take a drink when something goes wrong Take a drink when a calendar door is opened Take a drink when Clark messes with the neighbors, either by accident or on purpose Take a drink when any animal or person messes with the Griswold Christmas tree Take two drinks when Clark is irritated by Cousin Eddie Take two drinks when Clark's bonus is referenced in conversation Finish your drink for every family lesson learned or attempted
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
Elf
The Muppet Christmas Carol
Take a drink when someone says “Rudolph” Take a drink when Rudolph’s nose lights up Take a drink every time that smug snowman interrupts the story Take two drinks when a new Christmas character is introduced Take two drinks at every Abominable Snowman sighting Take three drinks in honor of the Island of Misfit Toys Chug your drink when Rudolph flies
Take a drink when the Naughty or Nice List is referenced Take a drink when someone mentions Christmas spirit Take a drink when Buddy is scared Take a drink when Buddy screams Santa Take a drink when Buddy sings Take a drink when Buddy eats something he is not supposed to Take a drink when maple syrup is shown or mentioned Take a drink when Buddy tells anyone he loves them Take two drinks when Buddy says “cotton-headed ninny muggins” Chug your drink when Mr. Narwhal pops up
Take a drink when Gonzo narrates Take a drink when Gonzo and Rizzo get into an argument Take a drink when bell rings or a clock tolls Take a drink for each Muppet you name incorrectly Take a drink when THE BELL TOLLS ONE! Take a drink when Michael Caine gets teary-eyed Take two drinks for each new ghost Take two drinks when Jacob and Robert Marley laugh at their own jokes Take three drinks when Beaker flips off Scrooge as he and Bunsen are leaving Scrooge's office Finish your drink and cry when Tiny Tim dies. Finish another when they sing "The Love We Found”
the seek n find
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REAL TALK WITH MIZZ KUH: YOUR LOVE LIFE IN 2013 Aries (mar. 21 - Apr. 20) Everything happens for a reason. Remember how upset you were about that required class you had to take at 8a.m.? Well say hello an afternoon delight-worthy Gemini who suddenly makes seeing the sunrise a beautiful thing. bonus: Free rides home on Tuesdays and Thursdays! but be careful, because you still have to wake up stupid early to go to the damn thing. taurus (April 21 - may 21) Bad things come to those who wait. The cafeteria cutie smiles at you when you order extra cheese on Taco Tuesdays, but it only leads to being hella gassy later. When new employees roll in come late February, you’re suddenly more interested in Sundae Sundays. bonus: Your calcium intake won’t change at all! but be careful, because ice cream when you’re hungover is a terrible idea. gemini (may 22 - June 21) Idle hands are the Devil’s playground, and we all know how much you love spending time with that asshole. If you ever opened your fluttery eyes, you’d notice how many people don’t hang out in playgrounds. Try opening a book in February, even if it’s only your MacBook in a very public coffee shop. bonus: You may just find the thick-rimmed-glasses hottie you’ve always wanted! but be careful, because coffee will stain your pretty white teeth.
Cancer (June 22 - July 22) If you give an inch, they take a mile. Sure, you just really want to make out with the hottie down the hall, but that doesn’t mean they should drink your handle dry. For God sakes grow some balls, stop supplying booze for the mooch (a, what, psycho Aries?) and start seeing your real friends again. bonus: More money in your pocket and less pathetic phone calls to the parents! but be careful, because hottie down the hall still has your sweet bong, better get that back, chief.
Libra (sept. 23 - oct. 22) A picture is worth a thousand words, which explains why you do more staring at hotties than actual interaction with them. We know it’s scary to get rejected, but it’s scary sitting alone with a bottle of wine every night, too. Rekindle with an alwayshad-a-crush-on friend around the holidays, because a New Year’s kiss will start 2013 out just right. bonus: You’ll have a drinking buddy! but be careful, because sloptastic kisses don’t leave good impressions.
Leo (July 23 - August 22) The meek might inherit the Earth, but you will rule the shit out of it until then. Roaring your way into every bar in town is fulfilling, but it’s a bit overwhelming at times because drunks just can’t help but drool over you. Grace one person’s presence and stick with them around the holidays. bonus: Someone to get freak-ay with all the time! but be careful, because you might just get bored by next weekend’s bedtime.
scorpio (oct. 23 - nov. 21) They say you should do one thing every day that scares you, and you can only take that one way. You’d rather find an interesting place on campus to get a little sexy with than just about anything else. Look out for a cutie towards the beginning of spring, an empty dressing room, and then a place with cheap beer. bonus: You’ll finally start accomplishing that bucket list! but be careful, because you don’t want to get banned from your favorite clothing store.
Virgo (August 23 - sept. 22) Drunk words are sober thoughts and by God you need to shut your Twitter. Have you even seen your drunken tweets? Circa Saturday at 3:23 a.m.? “once you go black you gettt shots and joints heyyyyyyyyyy.” While Twitter has a delete function, your ethic friends’ memories do not, you racist. bonus: Never hurts to date a stoner! but be careful, because you’re suddenly listening to way more Sublime than you ever thought.
sagittarius (nov. 22 - dec. 21) What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. So you got your heart broken right as the school year started, and it’s been a tough time gettin’ back on your feet. Keep your eye out around the holiday’s for a particularly caring cutie who will appreciate your newfound strength. bonus: This may just be the person who loves egg nog as much as you do. but be careful, because rushing into anything too quick will make you queasy.
Capricorn (december 22 - January 20) If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. The problem is, you could give a fuck. It’s good to speak your mind but, just like Instagram, a good filter can really work wonders. Find a kind Pisces (who you’ll want to use that filter around) and a place to talk less, like the movies. bonus: We heard Lincoln was awesome! but be careful, because shedding a tear on the first date might be a little too emotional. Aquarius (Jan. 21 - feb. 19) You’re only as good as the company you keep, and you’ve been doing some appropriate cleaning up. Great job, but now you have to find new peeps who won’t screw you over. We’ve got a feeling a co-worker around springtime will be just the person to get you back on your feet. bonus: Spring cleaning means you’ll finally get those pipes cleaned out! but be careful, because relationship drama at work is only fun for about three hours. pisces (feb. 20 - mar. 20) If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it’s yours. Just like when you lent your favorite lighter to the cute Cancer you met at the bar, you know that if everything really does happen for a reason, you’ll see them again and get that Bic back. Stop daydreaming for one minute, think about the people that really matter, and go get ‘em. bonus: Maybe losing your lighter will finally cut your smoking habit! but be careful, because getting into a habit of bumming cigs is just rude.
H T N O M L PARTY AL ! S ’ K C A J T AT FA BEER FRIDAYS ARE BACK! Friday 12/7: Firkin Friday with Flossmoor Railhopper IPA Friday 12/14: The 12 Beers of Christmas from 6pm - 9pm Live music with The Unemployed Architects @ 10pm
SPEND NYE AT FAT JACK’S! Champagne Bar New Year’s Eve DJ Party Favors Great Drink Specials!
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