Illinois - Issue 13 - 4/18/2013 by The Black Sheep

The Black Sheep

fr ee ... lik e is the of or he igi r i na nf l p am o y. op gi rl

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Volume 22, Issue 13 • 4/17/13 - 4/24/13

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One Year Anniversary of Poop Girl:

We’ve All Changed Kitty Kat wrote this

As we rear up on the end of another school year, it’s time to look back at all of the things that have changed. If we learned anything from the Ashton Kutcher box office smash The Butterfly Effect, it’s that sometimes the smallest things from a long time ago can have the biggest impact. And that it’s really hard to tell if Amy Smart is attractive or not. Similarly, this year would not have been what it was if not for one important event that occurred late last year… You remember it well. You know just what you were doing when it happened. And if you were somewhere in the area of Green and Third, you could probably smell it, too. That infamous night outside of Red Lion will always be burned in our minds. The night that campus (and most of the Midwest and some of the Internet) came to know Poop Girl. There was excitement the next morning in frantically creating and sharing memes online featuring the defecated backside of a poor freshman girl. She was an instant sensation and put Illinois on the map as a top party school. After all, a picture like that must have come from one hell of a night, right? We tried for a long time to interview this mysterious Poop Girl, but she was difficult to find and impossible to speak to. But we did understand her decision to lay low. We had so many questions for this young woman. “What exactly did you order from Taco Bell that night? Where were your green lace panties from? And, most importantly, how did you tell your parents about this?” But our questions, like many questions asked inside a church, remained unanswered. What we do know is that this moment in history catapulted the University of Illinois and its people into an era of change. We acquired new football and basketball coaches, and, at least for basketball, didn’t look like complete idiots throughout the whole season. We all were required to change our Enterprise passwords for the umpteenth time, worrying that it would be impossible to make up a combination of meaningful words, capital letters and numbers that we would remember. But something kept us going; something pushed us through these hard times. Something caused us to realize that we could just reverse our last password and beat CITES at their own game. This was all because of Poop Girl.

420 Blaze It: An 8th Grader's First Time Getting High

Simply, Poop Girl has transcended mocking, now sitting on a revered porcelain throne in the proverbial sky. Those days of cheap jokes have passed, and if we did know her name, we would (probably) refer to her as such, instead of the shitty nickname that she has acquired. But Poop Girl, we mean it when we say thank you for all that you have done for us here at this school. Although it was probably really hard for you to look yourself in the mirror the next morning, know that we think you’re a beautiful hero and a gift from above.

what'’s inside

What came about from this incident? Well, for one, she brought us Wendy’s. Taco Bell inadvertently gained some positive public relations from her little mishap, and other fast food restaurants wanted to jump on board. White Castle vied for a spot on Green Street so students could have the second worst thing to public defecation—ridiculously smelly farts. But the infamous tiny burgers lost out to the Ginger’s Baconator, her cronies infesting the entire campus with cholesterol-clogged arteries. Heart disease gets more press than anything.

continued on page 19

Where Are They Now: The 420 Edition Featuring Afroman

The Blackout and the Beautiful: Part X

lol best holiday ever aha

Don't worry guys, he's still smoking a lot.

Only 3 parts left to this thrilling Champaign saga!

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contents

Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com

page 7

page 7: High History: WWII English translations of Hitler's secret past.

page 7: Our Forefather's Take on Hemp What happens when you give clone George Washington some weed.

page 8: Beginner's Guide to Buying Weed Don't make a fool of yourself on 420.

page 9: Hopeful Little Freshman Finally Realizes the World is Shit 10 lessons learned by Max Parker.

page 10

page 9: Top 10: Worst Places to Go on 420 You're better off staying at home and order Fat Sandwich delivery.

page 16: Bartenders of the Week Kaleigh from Joes and Tyler from Red Lion get you crunk.

Table of

page 16: the Drinking Game and Recipe for Disaster Stuff your face with the Champaign-Style Hot Dog!

page 17: Booze of the Week Don Pedro Brandy gets the D from us.

page 18: From the streets how do you plan to say farewell to your graduating friends?

page 21: We Interview: A Colorado Budtender It turns out you can’t be high all the time to run this business.

Meet The Staff Managing Editor Mike Benson copy Editor Katelyn Lilly Advertising Manager Jackie Breen distribution Managers Patrick Rafferty & Mitch Heiar Contributing Writers David Rubin, Rebecca Jacobs Morgan Foster, Molly Forrest Sean Neumann, Max Russell John McCombs, Ryan Rudolf Austin Gomez, Scott Gantner, Sam Caravette, Kimberly Gleeson

page 21 Find Us At...

pr manageRs Abbie Welsch | Chloe Micek Colin Lateano photographer Graca Haka campus director Brendan Bonham owner Atish Doshi Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com Advertising?

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Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

Owned & Operated By: Black Card Media, LLC P.O. Box 221385 Chicago, IL 60622 217.390.1747

! k e e W e h t f o c Pi

page four Dear Mike, My name is Bethany Schultz. I am an 80-year-old grandmother, and I am worried about my grandson. Since making new friends in high school he has started dressing differently and listens to strange music. Something about my little Jeremy just seems off. He acts almost like he is sleepy all day. Since you work for a paper which deals with the stuff kids like, I was wondering if you had any idea what was going on. He keeps talking about 420, if that is any clue. God Bless, Bethany Schultz Dear Ma’am, I’m sorry to say this, but I think your grandson might be taking crack cocaine. I’m sure you read about crack in the newspaper during the Reagan administration, but in case you have forgotten, crack is nothing to mess with. It is created by mixing cocaine with baking soda and is usually taken rectally (check to see if your grandson is eating more junk food than normal. Crack users often eat Goldfish, Oreos, etc. in order to cleanse out their bowels for their next hit.) As for his new clothing, I’m sure you have noticed that many of his new t-shirts feature a plant design. Just as I thought. The visual representation of the coca plant is an identifying symbol for crack heads, which they use to identify each other so they can mutually put crack in each other's anuses. The reason your grandson might look sleepy all the time is because when you are high on crack you don’t sleep. Many of these kids go out and join gangs at night because sleeping is impossible. Some of these gangs include The Grateful Dead, Pink Floyd, and Radiohead. Your grandson might have some of their posters in his room. My advice would be to keep a close eye on him on April 20. Good Luck, Mike

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last week’s answers

word of the week Kartography:

The memorization of all maps in the entire Mario Kart franchise. “Tilda’s kartography was so sound she knew the secret jumps at Wario Stadium and Wario’s Gold Mine.”

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420 blaze it: An 8th Grader’s First Time Getting High Tex Mex wrote this hey guys whuddup my names tyler and i just wanna say i cannot WAIT for the best holiday on earth next to christmas (i wonder if santa ever smoked the ganj lol) to roll in. anyway, 420 is upon us once again and id just like to share with all of my fellow “advocates of the green” out there my first experience getting high last year, which was waaaaay too late if you ask me. seriously, if any1 offered me a spliff at like, age 6 id light dat shit up faster than my man mr. marley (my idol btw). i just figured id do my job as a reborn ENT and spread the good word of the day i went to heaven (when i first smoked basically lol). also, i need to kill some time on my moms laptop while my new video “how to roll a fatty w/o your hands” uploads to youtube. ok so me and my buddies tommy and david (tommy is the chill one and davids the pussy aha) were tearing it up at the skate park after ditching gym class cuz idgaf if i get expelled, wearing gym clothes is dumb as hell. so me and the guys were skating and all of a sudden this high school kid came up to us wearing a sublime shirt, so he was totally ok. then he was like “hey do you guys smoke?” and then tommy was like “yeah” and i was like “a little bit” (even though i had only tried to smoke a sheet of spiral paper in 6th grade) and david said “no thats lame” and me and tommy were like “stfu david” and we all laughed. so then the high school guy (he must have been at least 20 cuz he had a moustache) asked us if we wanted to buy some pot. at this point a choir of angels said “hallelujah” in my ears…lol jk but i was seriously so stoked to be able to trip out finally. the guy said he would sell us a pound of purple strand kush straight from columbia (which is some bufu part of mexico i think, idk) for 60 bucks. like, he would sell us the WHOLE bag. and he said that we would get higher than cheech and chong on holiday in hampsterdam (the original stoners lol love you guys),

so there was no way i could turn this down. so me and tommy put in 20 bucks each and we told david wed beat the shit out of him if he didn’t pitch in (hed probably be a bitch about it anyway like when me and tommy totally had the chance to bang this one freshman chick but hung out with david instead because he needed support because his dad died or some shit). we went back to tommys house with the weed because his parents dgaf because their divorced and they let him do whatever he wants (i wish my mom and dad would do that too, itd be awesome haha) and we sat in his basement while he got his lighter and rolling paper that he printed from the internet (word of advice to all my potheads reading this: google images “rolling paper” and thank me later). david opened the bag and said something stupid like “this smells like my moms spice rack” and then i was like “my dick smells like your moms rack” and me and tommy laughed so hard. then david, because hes such an idiot, tastes a little bit of it and says “no really it tastes like it too” and so i was like “youre obviously high now you dumbass, you cant just eat mary-j like that, right tommy?” tommy agreed with me and we kicked out david for being an asshole lol. so then tommy lit the blunt and took a monster hit but he didn’t puff out any smoke (i think hes just a vet you know) and then he passed it to me. i breathed in like id be doing this all my life and i starting coughing and shit and it was so awful but i blew out the smoke immediately because thats how the weed starts working. after one hit i was in complete nirvana (good band too RIP kurt) and i was seeing colors all over and i was laughing so hard and i was tripping balls at that point. tommy kept saying he wasnt high. light weight lol. needless to say, after the high was gone after like 5 hours, i went back and bought more of the wonder drug from that high school kid. he always laughs

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whenever i buy from him, so hes probably stoned out of his mind too aha. so thats my story and shit i hope you guys like it since my videos done and my bitch mom is telling me to get off the computer. peace guys. legalize don’t criticize. smoke weed everyday. highest regards, tyler “cloud 9”

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Where Are They Now: The 4/20 Edition Featuring Afroman David Rubin wrote this Joseph Edgar Foreman, popularly known by his stage name Afroman, was a prominent rapper in the early 2000s with hits like “Because I Got High” and “Crazy Rap.” After being nominated for the Grammy Award for Best Rap Solo Performance in 2002 for “Because I Got High,” Foreman has largely been out of the spotlight for the better part of a decade. In honor of 4/20, The Black Sheep decided it was time to unearth Foreman’s whereabouts and see what he’s been up to. In 2004, Foreman decided to start releasing his music independently on the Internet, coming out with a comedy/ Christmas album that same year. In 2012, he came out with his eleventh studio album titled “Marijuana Music,” so any fans of Foreman’s alter ego can relax that he’s stuck to his roots all these years. We were able to catch up to Foreman and hear what’s been going on with our favorite sing-along stoner. Foreman had a lot of influences during the beginning of his career, but one really stuck out to him in the recording process. “It was weed. What kind of dumb question is that? I got nominated for a fucking Grammy with a song called ‘Because I Got High.’ Did you honestly think I was going to say my family or God or some shit like that? No. Weed has been my motivation. I got high constantly. And I figured, ‘Hey, I should try and make money off of this.’ So I did.” But for Foreman, smoking marijuana was not always a happy ending. “’Because I Got High’ is entirely true. I needed to clean my room, but my friends would always come over and bring

some weed. And, you know, we’d smoke it, and then I’d be too lazy to clean up. It was like this for months. It just got out of hand. I needed help. My room was so messy, and I couldn’t find anything in there.” Soon after, Foreman checked himself into a rehab center where he responded surprisingly well to the group sessions and decided to help other addicts and volunteered as a group leader. “It was a really special moment for me. I saw what I was doing wrong, and I felt I needed to give back to these other addicts. They were addicted to way crazier shit, too. Have you ever met a crack addict? They give you this look like they want to eat your skin. It’s terrifying.” When asked on how quitting marijuana has affected his music career, he responded, “Oh, I didn’t quit. Just because I realized what I was doing wrong didn’t make me stop. It gave me more inspiration for writing lyrics than anything else. I love weed. I don’t think I’ll ever stop. Rehab is for quitters.” In 2010, Afroman was a part of the lineup for the Gathering of the Juggalos, the popular music festival put on by Psychopathic Records, most famously known for representing the Insane Clown Posse. Foreman gave us some insight on what it was like to play for such a notorious festival. “Family, man.” After being asked whether he’d like to add more, Foreman quietly said, “Faygo is really tasty. A lot of flavor.” While Foreman may have stepped away from the public eye

for some time, he’s still out there making music and smoking weed, two things we can always count on, he says. When asked about his upcoming tour dates he said, “None. I sort of just go on the road and get high and wander into bars in the middle of nowhere. If no one recognizes me, I move on. But if one drunk dude calls me out for being that ‘Afro Man,’ I usually do a show. Sometimes they’re just making fun of my hair so they’re a little confused when I start playing music, but they figure it out. I guess you can call that number on my website if you want to book me, but no one has called that number since the ICP in 2010.” With Afroman still producing music to this day, he proves that marijuana is to rappers as cocaine is to Wall Street traders. Not even rehab could slow this talented toker down.

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High History: WWII Benny Boy wrote this Since he was a young boy, Adolf Hitler had a propensity to get high. Born on April 20, 1889, Hitler’s love affair with marijuana began when he happened upon a patch of wild purple nurple growing on his father’s farm in Hafeld, an Austrian town near Lambach, in the year 1895. It was reported that later that day, the young Adolf was discovered asleep near three opened cans of his father’s homegrown sauerkraut, ruining the Oktoberfest supper which was to be held later that week. An act that Adolf would later claim to be his darkest moment. Many long afternoons were spent roasting bones of granddaddy kush outside of Hitler’s boyhood elementary school in Leonding, a small town in southeast Linz, Austria, with his friends Maik Deichmann, commonly known as Maik D., and Adam Yvette, known around the schoolyard as MCA for reasons unknown. It was around this time that young Adolf chose to be called simply “Ad” or “King Ad-Rock,” by his friends, the addition of “King” being a rare showing of bravado from a relatively humble historical figure. (Note: Quotes have been translated to English in the most accurate way possible) “Yeah dude, elementary and middle school was a pretty rad time for me. It was then that I got really into art and music. I would spend most of my days lighting up ‘Blau Traum’ (rough translation: Blue Dream) and then spending all day painting. I wasn’t very good, I knew that. I once tried submitting a piece to the Academy of Fine Arts in Vienna, but they declined it. It was okay though, I wasn’t that upset. The folks who ran that school were really nice about it anyway so there were no hard feelings. Other than that I would just hang out with Mike D. and MCA making music. We couldn’t afford instruments so we just stomped our feet and recited poetry off the top of our heads. It was dope.”

However bright this time in Ad’s life was, there was no escaping the slow approach of the first World War, a four-year period in which Adolf was deprived of his favorite herb. “Yeah, life in the trenches was kind of tough. There was no real way for me to bring any plants with me to the front line, but I took advantage of it as an opportunity to access my natural, inner chi. It was in France that I realized I didn’t need drugs to feel good, all I needed was the inner will to be happy and peaceful. Although, confidentially, I did sneak over to the French trenches a few times to smoke some herb that they had brought from Paris. I didn’t carry a gun at the time, so they were cool with me.” After the war, Adolf experienced great sadness at the humiliation and economic hardships that befell Germany. He didn’t think that the provisions of the Treaty of Versailles were particularly fair and just, but decided to smoke some more weed and continue painting instead of act upon his negative feelings. “I wasn’t in the greatest mood during this period, and it really reflected in my art and music. I decided that if I was going to allow myself to feel anger, which one must accept as a perfectly natural human emotion, I had better turn it towards something constructive. My fourth album ‘Mein Frieden’ (translation: My Peace) dealt mainly with these issues of keeping hold of my inner peace in the face of adversity. As Adolf got older, he began to take on a more political lifestyle. While attending university, Adolf got really into communism and began writing weekly periodicals for his school’s Marxist newspaper. “I knew it was a controversial topic, but it seemed like a good idea at the time. I was heartbroken when I learned about the troubles of the Russian people under an oppressive communist

Our Forefathers’ Take on Hemp Mad Max wrote this

government, so I took a diplomatic trip to Moscow to speak with Stalin myself. We shared a bowl and had a few laughs, and I like to think that I made an impression on him and maybe saved the lives of millions of Russian people.” In his older age, Hitler devoted most of his time to marijuana awareness and appreciation, becoming one of the first major political supporters of the substance. “Most of Europe at the time had a sort of ‘War on Drugs’ mentality, which spread to most of the world. And although this might sound a little melodramatic, I had come to calling this struggle ‘World War II.’ The rest of my life was spent fighting in World War II, and I will never stop fighting until there is a blunt in the hands of every man woman and child on Earth, no matter what age, race, or creed.”

Created by a nerd in the Applied Physics Department, a cloning machine was being sent to The Daily Illini for promotional purposes, but during The Black Sheep’s annual bar crawl, it came under our possession. After testing it out on the “Help Stop Violence” man and Ginger Snookie, we were ready to try it on someone a bit more relevant. Luckily we had some of our great forefather's DNA from previous journalistic endeavors lying around HQ, so we created a new George Washington for the modern era without having to worry about the shenanigans of messing with time travel. The creation was finally unveiled on 4/20, the perfect day to have a chat with our favorite late president. “What do you mean hemp is illegal?” George Washington says as he sits in a lawn chair out on our editor’s balcony. “That stuff is awesome. But you call it weed? And you smoke it? I would love to have a go at it, sir. Pass that shit,” George exclaims, running a hand through his powdered wig. George began eyeing the exposed cleavage of the women walking underneath our balcony, not used to this much advertising from the opposite sex. “We actually used to make things out of hemp, manly things such as horse beds and newspapers that people actually read. What’s their argument for making it illegal, the penny press will go out of business?” George scoffed. After explaining to George the recent decline in newspaper readership, he concurred and continued on. “They’ve had their era, and it’s time to go back to common sense. I bet the British did it. First they tax my tea, and then they make your favorite herb illegal. How do they expect us to make our money if not on hemp? If we run out, we could simply grow more. It’s an unbeatable economic model.” George then proceeded to give us a comprehensive business plan on how we should create and market

a “weed tea” that people can drink. “Stamp an American flag on it, and it’d practically sell itself,” he says. At the time it sounded foolproof, but we’d been smoking a fair amount of dank bud with George. Suddenly, George’s eyes shot wide open as his confidence switched to petrifying paranoia. “Where are all the horses, and what the hell is that thing with four black wheels? Did you see how fast that was going? I declared war on the greatest empire the world had ever seen, and even I think those things look reckless.” We’d been doing our best to hide modern technology such as the engine, Internet, and cell phones from our clone of Mr. Washington. Frankly, we didn’t want him to crap his pants, at least not in our editor’s apartment. “Things have really changed. I guess it’s like when we showed the Indians our muskets. We really caught them off guard with those. You gentlemen have fired one of those, right? You look like you’re in your twenties and should have fought in a war or two by now. Hell, I’m sure your kids will be fighting in a war in no time.” Washington exhales a thick cloud of smoke, “Damn, this stuff is strong. It’s like you’re trying to cure TB with this or something. I might be old-fashioned, but this should be legal. Although I don’t think your government will listen to me. I had slaves after all. Like a ton of them. And I didn’t feel bad about it at all. Forget what I’m saying, I’m stoned off my wooden balls right now.” We laughed, glossing over 200 some years of military change and contraceptives. He really liked what he heard about condoms and not having any more kids, as well as sleeping around without having Mrs. Washington know. “Please don’t clone her too,” he begged. “I’m finally free.”

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Beginner's Guide to Buying Weed Sammie Sea wrote this With the 4/20 holiday coming up, stoners are beginning to crawl out of their dimly-lit hemp hovels to a day full of paradise and puff-puff-pass. The only thing to bring them down on this day is a buttload of poser stoners trying to get lifted. Smoking once a year and claiming to "love" Bob Marley doesn't initiate you into Cannabis Culture, Tom. However, we all have to start somewhere, right? So for all the aspiring potheads, take note of the correct and successful methods for buying weed. Follow these rules and you may just pass as a regular blazer...maybe. First, you gotta know a guy. If you don't, find someone who does. And not a guy who knows a guy. You're not going to randomly stumble upon this shit like they do in the movies, and splitting the eighth your roommate has hidden in his sock drawer is hardly a "stash." Don’t worry, finding a dealer is a lot easier than it seems. Odds are if you ask around enough someone's going to hook you up. This is college. One of the requirements of joining a frat is to list the contact information of five dudes that can hook you up when necessary. On the off chance that your friends are a bunch of baby back bitches whose parents work for the DEA, ask the group of people who practice slacklining on the Quad. Because you know guys who walk around campus in toe shoes aren’t totally thinking straight. Once you've found your new best friend, you're going to want to brush up on some dealer slang. Learning the names for different weights will definitely boost your stoner cred. There's nothing more embarrassing than mistakenly thinking a dime bag costs ten cents (hint: it costs $10). Once you know the weights, you can get an estimate on how much money to bring. Don't show up with a $100 dollar bill and expect that the dealer is going to hassle with getting you change. Sure, this is a business, but the dude isn’t a bank. Although this may be common sense, use discretion when trying to buy. Once you start texting dumb shit like, "Do you have weed?" the dealer is going to cut you off. This isn't Colorado, people. Weed is still illegal, and anyone would be paranoid if they were selling to an oblivious noob. When you show up for your "transaction," make sure you calm the hell down. You've practiced the pass-and-go handshake, right? You didn't? Master that shit! The key to not getting caught is to not look like you're buying pot. Just make it seem like you know the guy and are just reaching in for a casual bro handshake. Go up to the seller and perform with confidence. Try not to sweat so much. Just mellow out, The Big Lebowski-style, dude.

If you're in a secure place, take the time to look at and smell the weed. Don't be surprised if some jackass is trying to rip you off with some oregano or reggie. It usually happens on your first few times around. How can you tell if you're purchasing some high-quality ganja? Good weed is going to be green, free of sticks, full of crystals, not too wet or dry, and sticky when you break it up. You're probably not going to be getting some high-quality dank, but following these basic ground rules will at least get you something decent. Once in awhile it's nice to smoke up your dealer. It's just common courtesy, really. Think of it as their tip. Doing this will build a stronger relationship with your dealer, and they'll be more likely to hook you up at a moment’s notice if they think you're a decent guy. Plus people can get really generous when they’re high. Maybe he’ll pull out “the really good stuff” during your toke sesh. Mission accomplished; you got the dope! You have successfully passed as a viable pothead... for now. Along with getting the shit in the first place, you should also learn proper smoking etiquette. You don't have to smoke with your pinky out, but you should at least learn how to pack a bowl or roll a joint properly. And try your best not to have an hour-long coughing fit. If this is where you stumble up, you're just going to be that guy who kills the vibe. Just keep it lit and pass it along.

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Hopeful Little Freshman Finally Realizes

the World Is Shit

Jupiter Stevens wrote this Sitting in the front row of Philosophy 101, freshman Max Parker eagerly awaited life’s lessons to fall graciously in his lap. Little did he know they would propel from his professor’s lips and into his fragile being, anchoring on his heart for the remainder of his life. “The world is shit,” his professor admitted. That was lesson #1. This is what Max’s innocent little heart discovered during the course of his freshman year.

Lesson #4: There’s a pretty good chance you will see another man’s penis: Your roommate has to change at some point, Max. He has experienced it on a few occasions, coming home in the middle of a costume change to a surprise penis. There will always be a time when you’ll see the dong, Max. Embrace it, but not too much.

Top 10

Worst Places to Go on 4/20

The greatest holiday in the world is fast approaching, and you’re planning on having a blazing day. You’re going to spend your day dabbling with trippy YouTube videos and copious amounts of food. So you don’t kill your buzz, here’s a list of places to avoid to keep yourself from tweaking out. 10.) Dallas & Company: Picture yourself in a townie-run store filled with costumes like leprechauns, Easter bunnies, and clowns. Their oversized cartoon faces watch your every move, causing any stoner to turn schizo real quick. And have you seen those fog machines? How the hell do those work, man?! 9.) The Armory: One wrong turn in this building and your “make love, not war” lifestyle will be ruined. You’ll end up on the third floor with a shaved head and a tour-of-duty assignment. You do love your country, but the military’s strict no-drugs policy obviously isn’t your style. 8.) On a Campus Tour: Admitted student days are the worst. Who wants to be around a bunch of hopeful high school seniors who still have a sense of drive and an aching, throbbing virginity? The youthful hope will make you sad because you will never get a second chance at ignorant pre-collegiate smugness, and now you're stoned surrounded by little kids and their overexcited parents. 7.) Group Project Meeting Full of Strangers: How dare your group work on their project on a day like today! Of course you got stuck with the socially awkward ginger and a non-native English speaker, so this meeting isn’t going to be a cake walk. They stare into your bloodshot eyes with judgment, and in spite of you, work for an extra half hour on the assignment while you try to find snacks.

Lesson #2: When your mom isn’t there to do your laundry, you will smell like ass: It took poor, little Max a while to realize that a can of Axe body spray won’t get the smell of those crusty nocturnal emissions out of his adolescent underpants. He needs soap, and a lot of it. Too bad he can’t find any quarters for the washing machine. Lesson #3: That girl on Green Street doesn’t want your shitty, pimple-ridden phone number: If Max had to spend an hour begging his best friend from high school to talk to her for him, the only words she will waste on him will be, “Get away from me.” He should stick with someone equally as nerdy as him, like the gap-toothed ginger in his Thursday chem lab.

The

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6.) Summer Internship Interview: During your interview you realize that you’re looking into the eyes of your future self. Hating your job and having to dress in business casual are two signs that your future isn’t very bright—or green, for that matter. You realize that 4/20 is precious and needs to be appreciated. Getting stoned in your early twenties is hilarious. Getting stoned when you’re pushing thirty-something is depressing. 5.) ARC or CRCE: You went to the gym to hotbox the steam room, but there’s like 50 naked senior citizens shoved inside, and sitting on top of a sweaty old fart isn’t what you had in mind. You figure that as long as you’re there you might as well get your cardio on, so you hop on a treadmill. One-eighth into your mile, and you’re gasping for air and suffering from severe cottonmouth. Just make today a rest day instead.

ass on national television. After week 1, those tickets are worth about as much as used toilet paper. And just because you go to the ARC doesn’t mean you can beat Brandon Paul 1-on-1, Max. The Illini basketball team isn’t the greatest, but you’re not the best athlete in the gym anymore. Challenge a stranger to a game of 1-on-1 and nine times out of ten, he will leave you looking like a drooling third grader who dribbles with both hands. Lesson #8: Everyone loves Portillo’s, we fucking get it: Max, you’re not a true local just because you like a restaurant three hours north of campus. And yeah, we know everyone is from Naperville too. You’re also not technically “from Chicago” if you live in a suburb, even Evanston. Shut up.

Lesson #5: Culinary freedom comes with a price: Max no longer has to deal with the days of eating whatever his mom found leftover in the back of the refrigerator. Instead, he has to eat whatever Lunch Lady Laura found leftover in the back of her sedan. Think of everything that could fester back there on a hot summer day.

Lesson #9: English isn’t the official language of the world: Max has had the unfortunate experience of failing his exam and blaming it on his TA’s accent, when really he spent the night before the test whacking off and not studying. Max learned a big word—“diversity”—and just how much of a bitch it can be.

Lesson #6: Your professor doesn’t give a shit about your whiney excuses: We’re sorry your dog died, Max. But if you tell your professor that’s why you didn’t do your homework, he’ll make you dig up Rufus from his shitty grave and write your paper in the dog’s blood. Furthermore, the days of spending AP biology class drawing Crayola diagrams of flowers are over. That 12-page paper is due in five hours, so dig that Xbox controller out of your ass, Max, and get to work.

Lesson #10: That band you had in high school sucked: Max may have been the coolest dude with a flat-brimmed Montreal Expos hat in his high school, but once he takes three steps onto campus, he’s just another blade in the yellowing grass patch. Max learns that the first step to escaping your high school past is realizing that almost everything you did in high school means nothing anymore, and nobody wants to hear you play guitar like they used to.

Lesson #7: Unless you’re in Alabama, college football sucks: Go ahead, Max, buy season tickets. The team might beat Charleston Southern, but Penn State will eat out their

After learning these lessons, young Max returns home after his first year of college to tell of what he learned to his parents. His father, who has been in the working world for the past 20 years, shakes his head and grabs a beer.

4.) Transit Plaza: Traveling is not a good idea while on Cloud Nine. You might want to just take the bus to Taco Bell, but you’ll definitely end up in the janky part of Champaign at some point. The cretins of Champaign-Urbana are in full force, and there is no escaping them. Luckily, they’re probably looking for drugs, too. 3.) Jail for Public Indecency: Going to jail for anything is a bummer in the first place. And can you imagine the townies that dwell behind the Champaign County Jail? Scary, brah. If you end up here for flashing your ding-dong to previously mentioned campus tour group, have fun with the label “sexual predator” for the rest of your life. 2.) Extra Credit Session for Class: Since 4/20 is on a Saturday, you don’t have to suffer through any lectures. Don’t be an overachiever though, attending any extra credit seminars is a major faux-pot. Your prof will know what’s going on and kick you out on your ass in no time. Unless it’s for a HORT class; then you might become best friends.

1.) County Market with No Money: This might be worse than Chinese water torture. You want everything so bad but don’t have the means. You hope that a kind soul will take mercy on you or at least look the other way while you try to steal a bag of chips. The price of a twelve-pack of Mountain Dew and a bag of Doritos averages out at $19.98, so if this isn’t within your means, be prepared to perform the same “favors” you offered the other day for your dime.

Forrest Fire wrote this

page 10

theblacksheeponline.com

Lead/Only Black Writer

Bids Farewell

John McHoneyCombs wrote this Loyal readers, I regret to say that my time writing with The Black Sheep has finally come to a close. This three-year orgy of limitless sex and booze is finally about to end, and I’m going to begin my life as an officer in the Marine Corps and after that, a standup comedian. Not only are you readers losing a faithful friend and purveyor of fart and dick jokes, but you are also losing a piece of diversity. I regret to inform you that I am the lead, and only, black correspondent on our paper. I allowed our paper to skirt the razor’s edge of racism by chiming in with sassy yet endearing remarks like, “Oh no you didn’t!” and, “That’s what’s happenin’.” Be fearful, dear readers, for you shall be left in much pastier, rhythm-less hands... I first came on to The Black Sheep three years ago when the paper was in turmoil, attempting to look for a writer to represent their minority market. They already had a ginger, but he was hardly qualified, and his freckles and pale skin made the other writers uneasy. The management hired me and a sex-crazed Asian fellow to try and tap new markets and make our annual dance-offs against Michigan State much more of an actual competition. Once they realized that the Asian they hired wasn’t as much of the breakdancing, Tokyo-drifting type they had hoped for, they began to place all their hopes in me. As is common when a white person gains a new black friend, they can’t wait to tell everyone and justify their newly discovered multi-cultural experience. Was it a coincidence that when I joined the staff the newspaper changed its name from The Booze News to The Black Sheep? In any case, having the insight into things like Tyler Perry movies and knowing how to dougie, I got to handle the more down to earth articles like “How to Get Her to Go Back to White” or “What the Hell is World Star Hip Hop?” The problem with this void that is about to be left when I am no longer with the staff is who will answer these important questions for you readers out there? I have imparted so much knowledge already on you, such as the importance of cocoa butter, but there is still so much

more that could be taught. The staff has become too used to my presence and has yet to hire or even look to recruit another black writer to take my post. There are so many topics that you will not be able to discuss now without someone around to ensure the NAACP that “I got this.” I feel like a mother sending her child off to college for the first time, but my child didn’t pass your senior year of high school. I’m afraid for all of you and what the paper may become without me to guide it to the soul side. In only a few months, will we see nothing but articles about square dancing and the appropriate sunblock that works best for a trip to the beach. There’s not much else to be said, my friends, but please plead the staff to hire another black writer to fill in for my absence. I only want the best for you and this paper, and if you could simply learn one new slang term in between reading articles about boobs and girls shitting themselves outside of Red Lion then I will know that you are in good hands.

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SPECIAL NIGHT

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WEDNESDAY 4/17

$0.15 Wings: 8pm Til They're Gone! $1.50 High Life Bottles, $2 Flavored Long Island, $2 Jager Bombs $2.50 PBR Tall Boys and $2 Sauza Tequila Every Day!

OPEN DECKS with DJ MELLOW $2 Red Bull Drinks No Cover!

FRATTLE of the DJ's! DJ's compete weekly to WIN $1000 at the Finals! $2 Bud Light Bottles $2 Two Gingers Irish Whiskey

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

THURSDAY 4/18

$1 Wells, $2 SoCo Lime Shots $2.50 SoCo, Jack Daniels & Tuaca Mixers, $3 Long Islands, $4 Domestic Pitchers $2.50 PBR Tall Boys and $2 Sauza Tequila Every Day!

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FRIDAY 4/19

$1 Cherry & O Bombs, $2 Jäger Bombs, $2 Wells, $3 Three Olives Vodka Mixers, $3 Signature Shots $7 Domestic Pitchers $2.50 PBR Tall Boys and $2 Sauza Tequila Every Day!

CHALICE DUBS MASQUERADE - SUPERHERO EDITION featuring PROPHET MASSIVE, DJ SOLO, POSITIVE VIBR8IONS and more!

Happy Hour Food Specials Open at 5pm! $3 PIZZAS - $3 NACHOS $5 Bud Light Lime-A-Rita Pitchers $3 Bud Light 24oz Tallboy Cans

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SATURDAY 4/20

$1 Cherry & O Bombs, $2 Jäger Bombs, $2 Wells, $3 Bacardi Mixers $7 Domestic Pitchers $2.50 PBR Tall Boys and $2 Sauza Tequila Every Day!

Power N Soul x Dance 2 X S presents URBANITE XVI_1.0

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SUNDAY 4/21

Must register at the bar at 9pm on Wed - First Come First Served!

Closed

MASON JAR MONDAY! Pub Quiz Starting at 9PM!

MONDAY NIGHT HOUSE PARTY Open Mic with JAMES MOORE till 11pm, Battle for the Summer Camp Music Festival!

MONDAY 4/22

$3 Bud Light and Budweiser Drafts, $3 Double Wells, $3 Double Jack and Double Soco $2.50 PBR Tall Boys and $2 Sauza Tequila Every Day!

TUESDAY 4/23

CRAFT BEER NIGHT! $2 Wells, $2 Micro Drafts, $3 Import Drafts $2 Shot of the Week $2.50 PBR Tall Boys and $2 Sauza Tequila Every Day!

THE PIANO MAN Playing all your favorites! $2 Real Strong Island Iced Teas No Cover!

Wine Night $8 Bottles of WIne $2 Goose island 312 Bottles $2 Wells

Open Mic Night - Free! Sign-Up Starts at 9:30pm $1 Off All Drafts $3 Jameson Shots

WEDNESDAY 4/24

$0.15 Wings: 8pm Til They're Gone! $1.50 High Life Bottles, $2 Flavored Long Island, $2 Jager Bombs $2.50 PBR Tall Boys and $2 Sauza Tequila Every Day!

OPEN DECKS with DJ MELLOW $2 Red Bull Drinks No Cover!

FRATTLE of the DJ's! DJ's compete weekly to WIN $1000 at the Finals! $2 Bud Light Bottles $2 Two Gingers Irish Whiskey

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

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The BarGrid Page 2 of 3 SPECIAL NIGHT WEDNESDAY 4/17

Bicycle and Scooter Storage Convenient Grocery Store Tanning

Green Street Café 35 E. Green Street SATURDAY Come watch the NBA PLAYOFFS! Special Saturday Mug Night! You Keep the 23oz Tallboy Glass! $3 Jameson, $3 Rumpleminze $3 Goldschlager, $7 Bud Pitchers

KARAOKE at 10PM! Win Prizes! $1 SHOTS, $2 UV Vodka $2 Sailor Jerry Bud Mug Night! Get the Brand New 23oz Glass!

FRIDAY! WWHP Presents: Now, Now + The Lonely Forest Doors at 6:30pm

Sunday Funday! Check Out Joe's Bucket List! 5 for $11 Mix-and-match your favorite beers!

Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!

New Spring Seasonal food specials! $2 Fireball $2 Woodchuck

$3.50 White Russians $3 Any Draft $7.50 Italian Beef

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$5 24 oz. Yards of Gatorade Free Cover Any Thursday when you bring your yard back!

$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy’s $5.50 Jager Bombs $7.95 Fish Sandwich

WWHP Presents: Now, Now + The Lonely Forest DJ Delayney @ 11pm $4 Double Wells Free Entry before 10:30 w/ Student ID

Book your next event at Joe's 217-384-1790 Come enjoy the beer garden and watch THE HAWKS at 7:30!

DJs and Dancing Spend your Saturday night at Highdive!

Start your day where yesterday ended... Wake up at Joe's! $6 Pitchers of Lunchbox, 1/2 price burgers

FRIDAY: $3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy’s Open Mic Wednesdays, Special Night Come Play! $5.50 Jager Bombs Happy Hour $1 off all Appetizers and ½ off all Hookah’s (at GSC2) from 6-8 every day. $7.95 Fish Sandwich Free pool during happy hour!!! 35 E. Green Street

Open Mic Night! Wednesday Great specials, OPEN MIC Night Come play music $2.50 Corona for your friends! $2.50 Jager Bombs

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken

$3 Strong Islands

THURSDAY 4/18

$5 Lime-A-Rita PITCHERS! Half Price Whiskey! $2.50 Jack - $2.50 Jameson HALF PRICE BURGERS 7:3010pm | $3 Jager Bombs

$2 Domestic Bottles $4 ICB’s $3 Imports and Specialty Beers $3 Cherry Bombs $4 Pitchers of Bud and Coors Light

FRIDAY 4/19

Friday After Class! BLACKHAWKS vs PREDATORS 7:30pm $5 Bud Light 40's, $3.99 HAUS FRIES, $3 Captain Morgan $3 Jim Beam

$1 Off All Bourbons $2 Miller Bottles $3 Jager Bombs $3 All Octoberfest Beers $4 Strong Islands

SATURDAY 4/20

Come watch the NBA PLAYOFFS! Special Saturday Mug Night! You Keep the 23oz Tallboy Glass! $3 Jameson, $3 Rumpleminze $3 Goldschlager, $7 Bud Pitchers

$1 Off All Bourbons $2 Miller Bottles $3 Jager Bombs $3 All Octoberfest Beers $4 Strong Islands

Catch all the MLB, NHL and NBA Action at Guido's!

SUNDAY 4/21

NBA PLAYOFFS $2 Anything in the House! BEER GARDEN is OPEN!

$2 Drafts $3 All Dr’s $4 Oh Yeah’s

$3 Vodka Red Bulls $5 Coors Light & Miller Light Pitchers $5 Nachos

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Sunday Funday! Check Out Joe's Bucket List! 5 for $11 Mix-and-match your favorite beers!

Pop Culture Team Trivia Finals Grand Prize: $500 Best Buy Gift Card!

BLACKHAWKS vs CANUCKS 9pm Half Price Appetizers 5pm-9pm

$2 Coors and Miller Light Pints $3 Cherry bombs $3 Vodka RB $4 Double Vodka RB

$3 Jameson $2 Coors Light and Miller Light Draft 1/2 Off Apps (After 5pm) $7.50 BBQ Pork Sandwich

Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gmail.com

Hawks @ 9! MNJ: $2 Blue Kamikazes $2 Bud Platinums

TUESDAY 4/23

HALF PRICE SHARKBOWLS $2.99 Cheeseburger & Chips 4-9pm $2 WELLS, $2 Fireball Shots, $2 Malibu

Karaoke Night $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Marky Bombs $4 Strong Islands

$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells $7.50 Roast Beef and Cheddar Melt

Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gamil.com

Tequila Tuesday! $2 Blue Moons Artist of the Week: A-Teens

WEDNESDAY 4/24

KARAOKE at 10PM! Win Prizes! $1 SHOTS, $2 UV Vodka $2 Sailor Jerry Bud Mug Night! Get the Brand New 23oz Glass! BLACKHAWKS vs OILERS 8:30pm

Open Mic Night! Great specials, Come play music for your friends!

Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!

Book your next party at Joe's! 217-384-1790

MONDAY 4/22

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken

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@BLACKSHEEP_UIUC Scan to go right to the page! The BarGrid Page 3 of 3

FRIDAY: $2.50 Cuervo Drinks, $2.50 Captain Drinks, $3 24oz Cans, Hawks at 7:30! Party w/ the Cuervo Girls DJ Dash!

BIG FRIDAY! $4.50 32oz Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms

Logo Glass Wednesday featuring White Sox Miller Lite Glass

Thursday, April 25th ELECTRIC FOREST Campus Invasion Win Tickets to EF plus other Giveways! Special Guest DJ!

SPECIAL NIGHT

Jukebox Night! All Request DJ! $1.50 Bud and Bud Lt. Bottles $2 Black Crown and Platinum $3 Bombs, $6 Pitchers $2 Light 16oz Bottles

School of Beer $2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles

$5.50 Bacon Mega Cheeseburger $5.00 Hamm's Pitchers, $4.50 Wild Turkey & Black Beard Rum Doubles, $2.25 Orachata Shots $2.50 Jager Bombs!

PITCHER NIGHT! $3 Natty Light Pitchers $5 Well Pitchers Including UV Vodka, Evan Williams & Sailor Jerry

WED. 4/17

$7.00 Killians, Shocktop, Lienenkugel's, Third Shift $2.50 Specialty Pints & Bottles $5.00 Magic Dragons No Cover!

Shacker Night $2 UV Vodka, $5 24oz SHACKERS, $2.50 Fireball Shots, $2.50 Bud Light Bottles

THURS. 4/18

BIG FRIDAY! $4.50 32oz Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms

$2.25 Miller Lite, Coors Lite, Budweiser, Bud Light Pints $5.00 Skyy Vodka & Wild Turkey Doubles $2.50 Jager Bombs

Open at 5pm $1 Fratty Natty Bottles $1 Burnetts Vodka $3 Vegas Bombs $3 Bud Light Bottles

FRI. 4/19

NBA Playoffs! $3 32oz Drafts

Little Saturday... because BIG FRIDAY kicked your Butt

$2.75 Murphy's Irish Stout $5.00 Magic Dragons & Jameson Doubles, $7.00 Miller Lite, Coors Lite, Budweiser, Bud Light Pitchers

Frat Potion Night! $3 Bacardi Frat Potion, $3 Bacardi Drinks & Bombs, $3 JAGER BOMBS, $3 American Honey & Wild Turkey $3 Bud Family Bottles

SAT. 4/20

Closed

Sunday Funday! $3 All Drafts

$4.00 Double Long Islands $4.50 Hamm's Pitchers $2.00 Orachata Shots $2.50 Specialty Pints & Bottles

Book your next Event or Party at the Red Lion! Contact our event planner at CochraneParty@gmail.com

SUN. 4/21

$1.50 High Life Drafts! $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

$2 U Call Its Hawks at 9!

"Beer Lovers Night" $2 All Domestics $3.25 All Imports

$5.50 Mega Cheeseburger $2.00 Blue Moon $4.00 Pinnacle Doubles Karaoke @ 10

Monday Night Lion $1 U CALL IT $2 Red Bull Vodka's $2 Captain Morgan $2 Bud Light Bottles

MON. 4/22

1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)

Country Night! Mason Jar Drinks: $1.50 Jim Beam & Red Stag, $1.50 Lite Drafts

Ride the Rail $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms Drafts $3.50 All Other Drafts

Country Night! $4.50 Hamm's Pitchers, $2 Jim Beam Mixers, Pinnacle Vodka Shots, $2 16oz PBR/ Schlitz/ Old Style - Tall Boys

HALF PRICE WHISKEY NIGHT $2.50 UV Bombs

TUES. 4/23

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

Jukebox Night! All Request DJ! $1.50 Bud and Bud Lt. Bottles $2 Black Crown and Platinum $3 Bombs, $6 Pitchers $2 Light 16oz Bottles Hawks at 8:30!

School of Beer $2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles

$5.50 Bacon Mega Cheeseburger $5.00 Hamm's Pitchers, $4.50 Wild Turkey & Black Beard Rum Doubles, $2.25 Orachata Shots $2.50 Jager Bombs!

PITCHER NIGHT! $3 Natty Light Pitchers $5 Well Pitchers Including UV Vodka, Evan Williams & Sailor Jerry

WED. 4/24

DOWNTOWN 1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)

KAM'S

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors

Meme Glass Night!

$2 U Call Its Challenge Accepted!

$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

$2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells $5 Personal Pizzas with 2 Toppings $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

$2.50 Cuervo Drinks, $2.50 Captain Drinks, $3 24oz Cans Hawks at 7:30! Party w/ the Cuervo Girls DJ Dash!

Collect Them All!

[PartyPics]

send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

(View and Send Pics from our iPhone & Android App! Search black sheep mobile)

page 16

bartenders of the week

theblacksheeponline.com

Bartender nickname: Track practice

Bartender nickname: TBRO aka t-nigs

Favorite drink: Rum runner

Favorite drink: Bomb pop, ask me about it.

Relationship status: Taken Relationship status: Wet Dream super power: To fly Dream girlfriend: Fiona Gallagher

Where you see yourself in 10 years: Joe’s Brewery… still

Dream boyfriend: Justin Timberlake

Biggest turn-on: Hott bod, duh

Super hero name: Tbrofasho

Biggest turn-off: Bad teeth Biggest turn-on: HPV Celeb crush: The guy who plays Dexter.

Kaleigh

Joe's Brewery

Craziest thing you’ve ever done: Couldn’t even remember… Worst fear: To become allergic to French Fries!

the drinking game:

Biggest turn-off: Roast beef. Kidding, I love it.

Tyler

The REd Lion

Best place you’ve had sex: It’s a Small World ride at Disney. Quote you live by: “I ain’t gay.”

recipe for disaster:

Booze Ball

Champaign-Style Grilled Cheese Pizza Hot Dog

The only thing better than drinking cold beer and eating a hot dog and peanuts on a nice spring day is watching dudes spit tobacco while playing with their balls—er, baseballs. Don’t just watch the fun. Take this game outside and get drunk. It’s officially booze ball season.

The Game Ends When: The kegs run dry or the players are as bad as the Cubs. You suck, Darwin Barney!

Like Hot days, whencool Robb drinks, Starkminimal married work theand Freyless girl, clothes securing makes The a perfect Twins for Chamthe North, paign summer. this is anAfter unholy a day union in the of two sun,unlike nothing things. will satisfy Will this your work hunger out better like a or Champaign-Style worse than the Hot wedding? Dog, which Let’s hope will surely it’s better. recharge you so you can rage all night. What You Need: 2 slices of bread, 4 ounces of pepper jack cheese, crappy pasta What sauce, You’ll Need: pepperoni, A hotbutter. dog from Wonderdogs, an Amoroso roll from Fat Cook Sandwich, Time:ketchup, 10 minutes mayo, one slice of greasy pizza, mustard, two mozzarella Fatty sticks,Factor: Italian beef If youfrom canThe convince Beef Stand, yourself 1/4 tocup eat of less melted than three, nacho you’ll cheese, sur-a vive few sushi to seerolls, morning. a handful of Wendy’s fries, and one burrito from Burrito King. Cook Time: Five minutes. Let’s FattyGet Factor: Baked: Cholesterol is just a number, right? -Place a skillet on a burner set to medium. -Butter Let’s Get one Baked: side of each slice of bread. -Layer - Stick the the other hot dog sideand of one mozzarella piece ofsticks bread in with the middle pizza sauce of theand burrito. pepperoni. It’s ok -Shred if it gets the a little pepper messy. jack cheese on the unbuttered side of the other piece of bread. - Wrap the pizza slice around the burrito and place it in -Place the Amoroso each piece roll.of bread butter side-down onto the warmed - Lay the skillet. beef and fries on the sides in between the -2-3 pizza minutes and the later, roll. place the pepperoni side of one slice onto - Put thethe cheesy sushi side on top of the of the other beef slice andoffries. bread. Feel free to -Flip unroll the itsandwich for a better each fitminute or add for on some 3-4 minutes, wasabi. or until the- Pour cheese theischeese, melted.ketchup, mustard and mayo on top. - Dig in. Unlike a potent mixture of sugar, carbs, protein and cheese This will to help tasteyou a lotpower betterthrough the moreyour drunk day. you Without are. Also, it, you’d Fat pass Sandwich, out from don’t hunger, you and darepassing trademark out just this. isn’t We’re the same warning as willingly you. taking a nap.

download our app for all of our drinking games!

Hungry for More? theblacksheeponline.com

What You’ll Need: Four kegs and a Wiffle ball and bat. Number of Players: At least 20. Level of Intoxication: Good luck trying to run the bases after this. How To Play - Split up into two teams. - Set up the kegs in a baseball diamond and have each player on one team stand in the typical baseball positions. - Before any player bats they must chug a half cup of beer. - After chugging, the batter tosses up the Wiffle ball himself and tries to hit it. If he can’t hit a fair ball in three tries, he’s out and must drink for five seconds. - If the player hits a single, he must do a five-second keg stand when he gets to first base. - If the player hits a double, he must do a ten-second keg stand when he gets to second base. - If the player hits a triple, he must chug a beer when he gets to third base. - If the player hits a homerun, he must do a fifteen-second keg stand when he gets to home. - If the player gets thrown out or tagged before he makes it to a base, he must chug half a beer, and he is out. - Once three outs have been made, teams switch sides. - The game continues until nine innings have been completed or a team reaches a predetermined score.

page 17

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booze of the week Booze Review: Don Pedro Brandy | grade: D Overview: One sip of this brandy right out of the bottle, and you’ll be washing your mouth out all night. It has a weird aftertaste that resembles beer and makes girls do that adorable little squished face thing when they take a drink. History: Young Pedro grew up in a difficult home. His mother had passed away when he was very young, and his father worked long hours in the agave fields, harvesting plants for local tequila companies. Though he was busy, Pedro’s father always had time to sit with his son and tell Pedro fables he learned when he was a boy. Pedro’s favorite was the story of an old man and his horse. The horse was very fragile and sick, but the man loved the horse so much he couldn’t bear to put it to sleep, even though its suffering became worse and worse every day. This story reminded Pedro of him and his father. As the days went by, Pedro saw his father growing older and more tired, but Pedro was still too young to get a job himself and help provide for the two of them. One morning Pedro’s father passed away in his sleep. The boy went in to see why his father hadn’t left for work yet and found the man at peace. Pedro’s heart sank and he fell to the floor and sobbed. Pedro brought a doctor in from the village to help him hold a proper funeral for his father,

but no other family or friends showed up. Pedro couldn’t deal with the pain he felt from his father’s death and soon became caught up in the world of alcohol and drugs. He became the town nuisance at only twelve years of age and became so notorious that a local distiller branded his latest recipe with Pedro’s name to sell it as a novelty item. Pedro never got a job, never found love and died at the young age of fifteen in the rat-infested alley next to the Don Pedro Brandy factory. Typical Drinkers: Adopted children, first-time brandy drinkers, selfproclaimed alcohol enthusiasts, people who like sad poetry, and John Wayne. User Comments: “Is it cool if I just dump this?” “I’d rather put my hand in a meat slicer.” “Is this beer or brandy?” “Are you trying to poison me?” Conclusion: Bet you thought that story would have a happy ending, huh? Well it doesn’t. Just like the drink.

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The Blackout and the Beautiful: Part X Scotty G. wrote this Last time on The Blackout and the Beautiful: After a hot night with Mrs. Jennings, Jerry meets Allie and her family for lunch at Firehaus. The two women battle for Jerry’s lust and attention, causing Jerry to spill on Mrs. Jennings’ tight, white top. He escapes to the bathroom where he is threatened by Jack, Allie’s stalker Kevin’s twin brother.

From the Streets Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com

How do you plan to say farewell to your graduating friends?

Jerry let out a sigh of relief as he left the computer lab. His late nights were starting to catch up with him. He pulled out his phone. “Siri, stop me from being such a procrastinating idiot.”

“Find a way for them to fail so they stay with me another year.” - Jamie B., Junior

“Sorry… Jerry… I didn’t get that.” “Forget it.” He yawned again and crossed the street. If there were any passersby at this hour, they could have spotted his hanging head and known that he was burnt out. Aside from a dreadful midterm season and the problems developing with Allie, the last month had seen Jerry in and out of prison… and in and out of Allie’s mom. He turned west off of Wright Street into his favorite narrow cut-through. The girlfriend situation carried even more weight since he met Jack. It was bad enough that his twin Kevin was a kidnapping psycho, but now he had help. Maybe it was finally time to come clean. “Siri, make a voice memo. Allie, I need to tell you something...”

something. Every soaring skyscraper is built on a rocky foundation.” “Skyscrapers are built on strong foundations! You’re so dumb. What, do you work for Public Works or something?” “Hey! They let you be your own boss!” shouted Jack.

Jerry slowly smiled, “I don’t think you will.” He turned his phone towards Kevin and stopped the recording. “I just got you confessing to the kidnapping of a CIA agent’s daughter.”

Kevin took back control. “Here’s what’s gonna happen. You’re gonna break up with Allie.”

Kevin yelled to Jack, “Take his phone! Quick!”

“Like hell I am,” said Jerry.

“Stop right there.” Jerry looked up, startled. It wasn’t Siri’s voice. It was the last person he wanted to see. “Come on Kevin, leave me alone.” A third voice spoke coldly from behind Jerry’s back, “You’re not alone.” He turned around to see Jack standing perfectly still, looking to Kevin for further instructions. It didn’t take long for Jerry to realize that he was a sitting duck, trapped in a cage with two famished foxes. “What do you want?” Kevin did the talking as Jack slowly crept closer, “We want you gone. You see, when I was on my date with Allie, I think we really made some great progress together.” If he wasn’t so terrified, Jerry could have laughed at his comment. “You kidnapped her!” yelled Jerry. “Yeah I know, relax. Me and her have been through some tough times, but I realized

Jack answered, “No, we could have done that anywhere. We stopped you here to kick your ass. Your relationship is ruined. Now we’re gonna ruin you.”

“I think you will. You might know by now that Jack and I have been following you around. We’ve been walking with you to class, going on jogs with you. Hell, we’ve been inseparable. Most of our little adventures together were pretty boring. Fourteen episodes of Frasier in one weekend? Really? “But we hung in there. Eventually, we knew you would screw up. Then it happened! Just about an hour ago, actually. You should never leave your laptop unattended, especially when your Facebook is open. When Allie gets out of her meeting in 27 minutes, she’s gonna be shocked by that message you sent. Frankly, I’m surprised you wanted her to know that you climbed MILF Mountain. How is she gonna take it when she finds out you put your dick in the hole she was birthed out of? Also, she might be weirded out that you ‘liked’ the Al-Qaeda page.” Kevin had a murderous grin from ear to ear and was sweating profusely in rage. Jerry’s mind was racing, “Fuck! You told her? Why are you even here? Just to rub it in my face?”

Jerry gave it up without a fight, “Go ahead. iCloud, bitch.” Jack dropped the phone on the ground, defeated. Jerry picked it up and glared back at Kevin, “Here’s what’s gonna happen. You’re never gonna see Allie again. You just signed an unofficial restraining order. If you ever come within 100 feet of her, I’ll be on the phone with Mr. Jennings, coming up with creative ways to punish the coward who attacked his little girl. Leave. Now.” Kevin and Jack scampered off into the moonlight. Jerry was shaking as he walked as fast as he could toward his apartment. He played back the beginning of the voice memo. “Allie, I need to tell you something...” He pulled up the number of Allie Jennings and hit call. It rang out to her voice mail. “Please leave your message after the tone.” Beep. “We need to talk.” To be continued!!!

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continued from the cover

Then there came construction—the ultimate sign of change. Lincoln Hall opened up in time for the fall semester and gave the students on campus one of the most confusing and annoying floor plans a plain, rectangular building could ever offer. Then there were the recent announcements of new hotels and apartment buildings sprouting up along and around Green Street, forever changing the “Champaign skyline” we’ve grown so accustomed to. Peter Korn, a contractor for one of the major campus projects, said, “We’re just really trying to rebuild, you know? After the tragedy last year with that young girl outside of Red Lion, I realized the campus needed something new. So I drew up a few designs and took them in to city hall. This girl showed us that we need to push the limits a bit and make headlines. That’s what I hope to do with the new 27-story apartment skyscraper going in at Fourth and Green.” Even the darkest examples of “The Poop Girl Effect” have a silver lining. One Red Lion worker, who asked to remain unnamed, claimed to not be the same as he was before he worked “the big day.” We got wind that this former employee was no longer on campus and off in a nearby mental rehabilitation center. When some of our journalists got there, they saw the poor young man sitting in the corner of his bedroom, staring at the floor, mumbling softly to himself. After a few sedatives and Skrillex tracks, the man agreed to speak. “I just couldn’t go on living that way. Feeding these kids drinks that their bodies couldn’t handle. I kept having nightmares about it. I dreamed I worked every night of the week, and every night someone pooped themselves outside. Every single night. I just couldn’t take it. What if it happened for real?” Although deeply affected by the incident, all signs are positive for this young man. “When I get out of here, I’m going to be someone’s AA sponsor. Hell, I’ll be everyone’s AA sponsor. I need to give back.” One downside of the Red Lion incident is that it has caused campus bars to crack down on who they are letting into the bar and how much they’re letting them drink. Campus erupted with confusion and chaos when KAM’S announced that it would only be open for patrons 21 years and older for the spring 2013 semester. Bar owner Eric Meyer said that this step was necessary. “Many thought this age change was due to too many underage kids being served at the bar. Although this is 95% of the reason, there’s still 5% we need to account for,” he explained. “And that’s where our corporate social responsibility comes in. We can’t let kids keep doing this to themselves. Shitting their pants and stuff. It’s just awful. Imagine if that started happening here. I mean, how do you think that would affect our signature smell?” So what does this all mean? Well for one, Poop Girl is to thank for all of the exciting changes on the University of Illinois campus. And unless someone else goes out and does exactly what she did one year ago, all the progress and success could end her. Hell, they might even hire Zook

again! We can’t let that happen, people. If you care about this university in the slightest, then you will make sure to hit the bars tonight, have an extra shot on us, and poop yourself in public. Make sure your friends take pictures and spread the word, because if we want the Alma Mater back before graduation or a Portillo’s on Green Street, then someone has to get a little dirty.

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Blows up (The camera glides in to focus on the crew, all sitting at the NBA on TNT table. Shaquille O’Neal on the far left, then moving right to Ernie Johnson, Kenny “The Jet” Smith, and finally Charles Barkley. Ernie shuffles paper and looks up into the camera, while the others glance at each other from the corners of their eyes, giggling and taking sips from their mugs.)

Ernie Johnson: Welcome back to the Sprint Halftime Report. I’m Ernie Johnson and with me as always are Shaq, Kenny, and Charles. So if you were watching last week, and we know you weren’t, Charles was having a little bit of fun at LeBron’s expense, talking about his receding hairline and the fact that the headband had been inching backward through the years. And who knows where it will be-Charles: Come on home. Ernie: And basically you were encouraging him to shave, to come on home... Charles: Come on home, shave your head like every other balding black guy. Kenny Smith: (waving at camera) Ay LeBron this ain’t me. This ain’t me LeBron! Ernie: (laughs uneasily) Well, we decided we couldn’t let that go alone, and so we decided to ma-Shaquille O’Neal: ERNIE YOU OFF THE CHAIN!

The NBA playoffs begin April 18th, and we couldn’t be more excited. Two months of professional playoff basketball? Fantastic. But we’re more excited for two months of the NBA on TNT frat house yukkin’ it up and slapping Charles Barkley’s face on obese ladyfolk. Never in sports history has a studio analyst crew gotten away with 30 seconds of analyzing, followed by 20 minutes of grab-assery. However, their hijinks came to a screeching halt one night, while broadcasting a relatively meaningless Hawks-Nets game. TNT pulled the broadcast from the air, but The Black Sheep DVR’d it, and recorded it on paper for you to witness. By: Quinn

Charles Barkley: If he keep denying his hairline is receding it’d be like a dead terrorist denying he ain’t in heaven. Shaq: (pulls tie up in the air to resemble a noose) OOOOOOO! Ernie: (snarkily) Even though we’re in the south I don’t think any racists will be hanging you any time soon, Shaq. Shaq: (stares angrily at Ernie) Kenny: (stares angrily at Ernie) Charles: (stares angrily at Ernie) Ernie: (worryingly looks off-screen at the producer) Kenny: (walking off the set) Yo Ern, let’s talk about basketball. Let’s talk about basketball. Shaq: Look when I drink water like this (takes long drink of water, bulges his eyes at Ernie) it mean that water too hot! Charles: If LeBron’s headband keep moving back further and further, and eventuallyKenny: Not me LeBron! I got no part in this! Charles: Eventually that headband gunna pull his eyes back and he’ll look Asian. Like he got a Mandarin hat on, practicin’ tai chi instead of basketball.

Ernie: Guys, hold on, let’s take it down a notch... Shaq: What Ern, you gonna lynch me? Shaq: (stares angrily at Ernie) Kenny: (off stage) The fuck Ernie? Charles: (stares angrily at Ernie) Kenny: (runs back in impersonating a “jet” with a Jeremy Lin jersey on) Rook at me! I’rm ReBron James! I have tiny penis!

(A photoshopped picture of Charles Barkley and Asian-looking LeBron James kissing in a dojo appears on the screen.) Ernie: (his bowtie spinning) Can we go to commercial! I don’t know what the hell is going on!? Shaq: YO THE ONLY WAY WE CAN STOP THE HEAT IS TO DROP CHARLES AKA A “FAT MAN” MIAMI LOL. (Kenny is off camera, but his mic broadcasts him taking “heavy polls” of Cognac in the green room) Shaq: (putting papers on his head) REBRON JAMES! (Sound guy plays stereotypical Asian chimes)

(A picture of Charles Barkley-looking atomic bomb dropping over Miami appears on screen. The room falls silent. All the panelists look shocked, except Shaq, who is spinning in his chair) Ernie: ... Ok, well, with that we will bring you back to the action. Hawks lead the Nets 51-43.

we interview: a colorado budtender Now that recreational use and sale of marijuana is legal in Colorado, weed dispensaries have been popping up everywhere. All you need to legally grow and sell weed is a measly little piece of paper from the government, it’s that easy! We sat down with one such self made man, “BlaisOne,” who went from regular old, cereal-eatin’, Netflix watchin’, maybe occasionally illegally weed growin’ stoner, to a savvy, suit-wearing, legally growing and selling weed business man. By Quinn The Black Sheep: How did you get involved in this business? What were the stages from having the idea to sitting in the store and making a living? “BlaiseOne” the Budtender: I’ve been close to the business my whole life. I started growing around 13. With the medical legalities popping up I came to Denver about three years ago, and started working for local dispensaries. I can’t say there was much transition from seeing the doors open to where I am now. I guess as of now most of us are kind of in limbo, just waiting for recreational to take over. It will take the ceiling off all our businesses and allow us to operate like everyone else. TBS: If you own the business, do you recruit new workers? And what do you look for in an applicant? BlaiseOne: I don’t own it. Don’t really want to yet either. We hire from within, either good friends or quality patients. We look for a true enthusiasm in the industry, as long as you have the ability to learn and as long as you’re enthusiastic about it. TBS: What’s the most-untrue stereotype of a budtender? BlaiseOne: Contrary to what most people think, most of the time we are not medicated when at work. TBS: In light of recent marijuana legalization in other states, do you think it will take long for the rest of the country to follow suit? What is your opinion on current legalization laws? BlaiseOne: I think it will be many years before the federal government overturns this one. There’s too much money in the pharmaceutical companies. Plain and simple. Oh, and god forbid we make some gasoline out of hemp... Fuck our government. TBS: Does your business cook the edibles in house, or do you buy them from a bakery? And how does a marijuana bakery start up? BlaiseOne: To start up you have to have a MIP (Marijuana Infused Product) License. And a certified health inspected kitchen. We used to make our own (and they were ridiculous) but started outsourcing after they made the kitchen law. We didn’t have the means to open a real kitchen for it, so we sold the license. TBS: Do you sell the marijuana directly to customers? If so, have you ever refused to sell to someone? BlaiseOne: I personally do not – I only grow. But we refuse sale to anyone we think is reselling. TBS: Do you get any "employee benefits"? BlaiseOne: Well let’s just say everything from seed to sale is on 24hr cameras monitored by the state, so not in the way you’re thinking. And technically you cant have/give for free. So let’s just say when I purchase anything for myself from the storefront it usually only costs a penny. TBS: Are you worried about the DEA/FBI because Marijuana is illegal under federal law? How does that legal grey area work? BlaiseOne: I am not. We are currently within our legal number of plants within the state of Colorado, and are compliant on everything we do. I don’t think the feds have any interest in us. TBS: Are there routine inspections of your crop? BlaiseOne: No. TBS: What do you net from an average plant? What are the expenses you have to take care of? BlaiseOne: Average plant nets 6 oz. worth about $1200. We currently pay out about 50,000 a month in expenses. Rent, payroll, electric, soil, nutrients, bug spray, etc. TBS: How does the marijuana community decide on names for new strains? Is there any sort of advisory board or do people just smoke it and come up with something? BlaiseOne: There is an actual Swiss seed bank, and to get a phenotype listed and named you have to provide something like 500 stable seeds and some other stuff. But I doubt anyone does that. Some of the older strains have made a good name for themselves, and the newer names are usually growers crossing strains and making up new names. TBS: Funniest/weirdest name of a product? BlaiseOne: Earwax. TBS: How does the cost of legal marijuana compare to buying it illegally? BlaiseOne: Depends on your state, but equal or cheaper. TBS: Have you ever had a problem with people trying to break onto your property and steal your crops? BlaiseOne: Our dumpster gets broken into once a month. Which is silly, like we would throw the good stuff away... Other than that everything has been cool. TBS: What's the worst part, and the best part, of your day to day workings? BlaiseOne: Worst part is moving thousands of pounds of soil up to the second floor, then back down when it’s used. Growing dope shouldn’t have to be this physical. TBS: Do you have a getting high "routine"? BlaiseOne: I only vape now. O-Pen Vape is the way of the future. If you’re still smoking weed you need to get with the times. TBS: What's your perfect sandwich? BlaiseOne: Cheeseburger with a fried egg and French fries on it. Bam!

the big three

entertainment-y things to keep your eye out for.

The Lords of Salem Opening April 19th

The residents of a creepy apartment complex in Salem, Massachusetts are visited by a 300-year-old coven of witches. The dreadedblonde who is certain her neighbor's apartment is haunted might just be tweaking, but you can't deny the negative vibes she feels coming from Apartment 5. Written and directed by Rob Zombie, this film will at least give us the willies.

Pain & Gain Opening April 19th

A trio of bodybuilders in Florida get caught up in an extortion and kidnapping scheme that goes terribly wrong. Really, when do any of those things go right? Based on a true story, Pain & Gain stars Mark Wahlberg and Dwayne "Can You Smell What the Rock is Cooking?" Johnson, as well as some cute comedic relief from Rob Corddry and Rebel Wilson.

Phoenix - Bankrupt! Out April 23rd

This French alternative rock band that scored mainstream recognition with their hit 2009 album Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix, are back with their fifth studio album. Fans of their past work might be taken aback by the sounds of Bankrupt!, which the band says is something more experimental than before. Check out their first single "Entertainment" (which still sounds pretty poppy to us).

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the madlib: a frolfing adventure What started out as a ___1___ ___2___ quickly turned into the weirdest day since Saturday at ___3___, when Jonah took all that/those ___4___ and found some girl in ___5___ furry boots to give him a ___6___ massage and then rode her around like a ___7___ until the sun came up. Anyway, Jonah and I went out frolfing at noon with a 6-pack of ___8___ and a bit of ___9___, I had my iPod blasting some ___10___ and we were having the time of our lives. We got to hole nine, but it wasn’t the same hole nine we’ve played since we were freshman. We squinted our already squinty eyes and saw a ___11___ wearing a ___12___and holding a glass of ___13___, gesturing for us to come closer. When we froze, he started coming closer. “Hi there,” the creature cackled, not unlike that fat chick from ___14___ who’s legit stalking me. “Why don’t we jump into my… tunnel?” Suddenly a tunnel full of ___15___-smoke and ___16___-colored confetti appeared.

“A tunnel? That’s the best you could think of?” said Jonah, that ___17___. The creature was suddenly sitting on our shoulders between us. He handed us his drink, and we drank. The next thing we knew, we were dancing to ___18___ and grinding on girls wearing ___19___, but they were so sexy. We were smiling like ___20___ was giving us ___21___ and dancing our asses off. When we came to, Jonah was poking me on the shoulder and I stopped dancing for the first time in who knows how long. We were on hole nine, with a rather large crowd of ___22___ watching. “Dude, what the hell just happened! I think that weird thing slipped us some ___23___ and we just tripped out for hours!” “Bunch of ___24___, it’s only 12:30!” someone shouted, as we stepped aside to let everyone play and to drink some of our beer. “We’re going to have to get some more of that ___25___,” said Jonah, and we cheersed.

1) Positive Adjective 2) Weekday 3) Music Festival 4) Drug 5) Bright Color 6) Body Part 7) Mammal 8) Shitty Beer 9) Wacky Weed Name 10) Female Pop Star 11) Creepy Animal 12) Fancy Piece of Clothing 13) Fancy Drink

14) Freshman Dorm 15) Type of Herb 16) Jewel 17) Body Part 18) EDM artist 19) Cheap Clothing Store 20) Hot Female Celebrity 21) Sexual Favor 22) Slang for Hippies 23) Party Drug 24) Word from #21 25) Word from #8

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