Illinois - Issue 14 - 4/25/2013 by The Black Sheep

The Black Sheep

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Volume 22, Issue 14 • 4/25/13 - 5/1/13

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"A Man and His Craft"

My Creative Writing INternship tex mex wrote this After having to relentlessly answer the question of “So … what do you wanna do with that?” to people asking about my major, I finally decided to cave in and look for creative writing internships for this summer. I spent a few hours on Craigslist since Google kept redirecting me to other search results, asking, “Did you mean: internships for aspiring Wal-Mart employees?” Within a few hours of agreeing to a strange offer so long as I provided 20 clean medical needles and a half-drunken bottle of poorly fermented bourbon, I was able to land an internship with a published creative writer from “Streets of Chicago” Publishing. While I was originally intending to become the next prolific author (probably bigger than Hemmingway, realistically), I figured that interning wouldn’t be a complete waste of time, especially since I’d be getting the opportunity to see what provocative works my fellow, esteemed laureates were busy crafting with spellbinding language and wordplay. “I usually inject the smack right into that cane-like vein on my penis,” I remember my internship advisor saying to me on the first day of work. “It hurts sometimes, but I’m usually numb from chronic masturbation by the time I shoot up anyway.” My advisor—who said his name was Robert in a past life but now wanted to be referred to as “The Muff-In Man”—revealed to me early on that he had run into some tough times as of late and lacked the proper funding to maintain an apartment. While he noted that living off of the streets of Chicago granted him the “stench of irrevocable insight and weathered tests of the soul,” I felt as if the scent resembled more of a mix of cat urine and stale semen. After I offered him his “tribute” of needles and cheap liquor, he proceeded to fill his syringe with the bourbon and plunged 240 mL of straight alcohol directly into his bloodstream while proclaiming, “Get it? It’s a whiskey-dick … all right, let’s get to work.” The Muff-In Man claimed to know all the tricks of the trade when it came to creative writing, like determining which colored rats were ok to eat, the amount of time you have before your vomit becomes inedible, and how to stop abusing unnecessary adverbs. “If you blow chunks and it sits out for an hour or so, you’re generally ok to recycle your spewed body

Asshole Who Always Wears T-Shirt is Finally in Season

acids at about half the original taste. If it’s been sitting out in the sun, however, don’t even chance it; it spoils way too fast. And if you finish your story with too many ‘-ly’ words, get rid of them. Remember: show, don’t tell.” During one of our hands-on-experience sessions, The Muff-In Man instructed me to beat one of his “rival authors” with nothing more than a broken PVC pipe and an unfolded paperclip for stealing his “novel draft.” When I refused, respectfully arguing

what'’s inside

that true artists should collaborate rather than combat with each other, my advisor was already in mid-swing, smashing in the skull of this adversarial writer from the streets. When I asked why the drafted manuscript took the shape of a twist-tied baggie of white powder, The Muff-In Man publicly defecated on the defeated writer and replied, “Manuscript? I need this shit to write, young Muff-Muff. Fitzgerald and Poe needed alcohol to write, didn’t they? Well, I’m doing the same thing without being a pussy about it.”

continued on page 19

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Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com

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page 6: Anonymous Takes Down U of I Professor for Final Exam Date Big thanks goes out to the brave people of anonymous.

page 8: What You Can Do With a Philosophy Degree Don't worry, you DO have a bright future.

page 9: A Guide to Living Off Your Parents' Dime It's a lot easier than getting a full-time job.

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page 9: The Top 10: Ways to Get Extended Time on Your Final Exam Some tactics are health-hazardous, but it's worth it.

page 16: Bartenders of the Week Tyler and Colin: They're single for the night!

Table of

page 17: Booze of the Week El Zarco Tequila is inexpensive and won't poison you.

page 18: The Blackout and the Beautiful: Part XI Second to last installment of the soap saga!

page 18: From the streets Are you running in the Illinois Marathon?

pages 20-21: The Black Sheep's Guide to Summer 2013 Fashion Two guys with no fashion sense hate on skinny bitches

Meet The Staff Managing Editor Mike Benson copy Editor Katelyn Lilly Advertising Manager Jackie Breen distribution Managers Patrick Rafferty & Mitch Heiar Contributing Writers David Rubin, Rebecca Jacobs Molly Forrest, Kimberly Gleeson Sean Neumann, Max Russell John McCombs, Ryan Rudolf Austin Gomez, Scott Gantner Sam Caravette

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Four

! k e e W e h t f o c Pi

Dear Mike, I’ve been down in the dumps lately, man. An injury last year has left me out of work and unable to hang out and play ball with my buddies. I’m really trying to get better, but it seems that the world just isn’t patient enough to let me take the time I need to heal. Am I being selfish? I just feel that I’m letting my friends and coworkers down. Sincerely, Derrick Rose Dear Mr. Rose, I’m not sure who you are or what it is that you do, but I’d say it’s best if you just “do you.” First of all, your work isn’t going anywhere. It isn’t like your absence is putting a year’s worth of progress in jeopardy. Thinking that only shows a shallow sense of pride. I think you need to sit back and reflect not on how you are letting your coworkers down, but on how your friends and coworkers have pooled together their resources in your absence. Instead of showing pride in yourself, show some pride in them. As for the feeling that the world isn’t being patient enough for you, the cold truth is that it is completely true. The world isn’t going to wait around for you to get better, but sometimes you just have to do what you got to do for yourself. The world isn’t going to end without you around. This isn’t the final minutes of the Super Bowl, and you aren’t the star quarterback. A little humility will go a long way. Hopefully this helps. I’m pulling for you to get better, whoever you are. Just remember that if you can’t play on the team, there is always a need for a good cheerleader to keep everyone’s spirits high. Good luck, Mike

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Asshole Who Always Wears T-Shirt and Shorts is Finally in Season Jupiter Stevens wrote this Jimmy Dougan—the dude who always wears a t-shirt and shorts no matter what the temperature—is finally in season. Approaching the end of April, temperatures have begun to reach the 70s and look to keep increasing. One student, who Dougan claims is a “little fucking girl” for purchasing a new coat at the end of last fall, said that Dougan has been spotted sighing in relief now that he won’t freeze his balls off trying to prove a point. The 2012-2013 winter marked the third consecutive year that Dougan has worn a t-shirt and shorts every day, stating that he doesn’t walk around with crystallized nipples and the world’s smallest ball sack in order to appear “cool” or “strong-willed” but that he just isn’t that cold. “I’m just that kind of guy,” Dougan said. “I’m like, never cold. It’s weird.” Dougan said he can’t begin to count the number of times he has turned down his friends’ offer of pants or a jacket. “I’m not some pussy, hahahaha,” Dougan bragged as his completely comfortable and content friend offered him one of his scarves while they were walking to class. Dougan politely declined and rubbed his hands together “just for fun.” This past winter, the freshman in the College of Business had some close calls with Mother Nature, including the time he missed the bus and had to walk back to his frat in freezing temperatures. “My friends kept saying, ‘Dude, you should have worn a coat! You should have worn a coat!’” Dougan said as his own snot froze to his face, “but I just blocked them out. All the girls thought I was tough, and I don’t want to prove the pussy wrong

by cracking.” However, Dougan said he doesn’t do it for the women, who he said are “always hanging around him” whether he’s at a party or walking down Green Street. When girls ask if he’s cold, Dougan says, “Are you kidding me? I’m just never cold. Seriously. It’s just the way I am, you know?” And then proceeds to ask the females if their hands are cold, reversing the age-old “first move” that females are known to play. In the summertime, his friends said that Dougan is also known as that guy who never has a shirt on. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen him with a shirt on when it’s over 50 degrees,” a close friend said. “He always seems to have an endless supply of backwards baseball hats and sunglasses too, like a walking Abercrombie ad. It’s crazy.” Dougan said his personal philosophy is that “You only live once,” a fad that Dougan claims he began after performing a spectacular two-handed jam on his frat’s seven-foot tall basketball rim. “I was about to do this sick dunk off of this trampoline on the driveway,” Dougan proudly recalled. “My friends were all like ‘Bro, you can’t do it man. It’s too dangerous!’ And I just turned to them and was like, ‘Yeah, well, you just watch’ and just dunked that shit, you know?” Witnesses of this event confirmed that it was indeed pretty “tight.” Dougan said that events as monumental as this are just an “everyday thing” in his “crazy” life. The self-proclaimed daredevil has pulled many pranks in his time, such as that one really funny

time last summer when he flipped off a cop who wasn’t looking at him and the other crazy time when he was at Wendy’s and received a large Coke instead of a medium but didn’t say anything about it to the cashier. “That’s just how I live,” Dougan casually shrugged-off. “Life on the edge, bro. It’s what I’m all about.” While Dougan’s legs defrost from a winter full of hushed, internal regrets and muttered complaints about it being cold outside, the freshman is already looking ahead to next winter when he can return to wearing summer attire all year round, successfully sticking it to the “pussies” and the “nerds” on campus one more time. “It’s like, no big deal.” Dougan admitted. “I’m just not cold. I’m just that kind of guy.”

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Anonymous Takes Down U of I Professor

for Final Exam Date

Scotty G. wrote this Anonymous quickly rose to fame after taking down government websites, outing child pornography users, fighting SOPA, and threatening to destroy everyone from North Korea to Facebook. Last year, they managed to take down the websites of the US Department of Justice and the FBI. Without a doubt, this leaderless hacktivist organization is tremendously powerful and has earned a reputation for picking deserving targets and standing up for good causes. With a long history of standing up for their fellow man, we can’t be surprised by their latest assault.

post, birthday reminder, and retweet made by his friends. They posted the following statement on his wall, “Look guys, I’m not saying I agree with everything he did, but Hitler did nothing wrong.” You might think his image wouldn’t yet be irreparably damaged, but since they also changed his profile picture to a swastika and liked Mel Gibson’s page, he’ll be fighting an uphill battle. The Anonymous advance had only just begun. Also, a simple rearranging of coding ensured that every link Nimrod posted directed the viewer back to a Russian-roulette assortment of shock sites.

Anonymous has attacked a University of Illinois professor of Technical Systems Management, Jake Nimrod. The group released a statement, anonymously, regarding Mr. Nimrod: “The crimes of Jake Nimrod could not go unpunished. He has abused his power for too long, and this was the final straw. He scheduled his final on May 10 at 7 p.m., the last possible time slot. His students have been robbed of a day or two of summer, and such actions should be regarded as inhumane, cruel and unusual.”

April 22, 1:00 a.m.: Professor Nimrod’s identity is successfully stolen. Anonymous managed to get his credit card number and the information of all his contacts. Using his Amazon account, they placed an order for a $300 sex-swing and sent it giftwrapped to the dean’s home address overnight. It is yet to be determined if this would be a fireable offense or if it will merely cause the dean to be massively aroused.

The members of the anarchist association dismantled Professor Nimrod, the likes of which have never been seen before. April 21, 11:00 p.m.: Anonymous descended on Jake’s digital world. His email, Facebook and Twitter accounts were hacked. With that kind of access, they were able to unleash furious vengeance upon him. His settings were changed so that he received email and text notifications for every wall

April 22, 8:34 a.m.: After spending all night reading emails, studying browser history, and analyzing retweets, Anonymous reached a depth of understanding regarding Nimrod that allowed them to delve into detailed psychological attacks. They knew his deepest fears, they knew his most haunting embarrassments, and they knew exactly what pictures would trigger his gag reflex. When the professor logged into his office desktop computer, he found that his background had been changed. He was no longer looking at a picture of his grandkids at the lake house. Instead, his background was a

rapid slideshow with pictures of a clown with a chainsaw, the transvestite he met in Atlantic City, and Kevin Ware’s compound fracture. Our sources say that the professor immediately fell to the floor screaming, crying and vomiting simultaneously. After being under siege for just 14 hours, Professor Nimrod gave in and rescheduled the final to a reasonable time. Nimrod held a press conference and announced, “Dear Lord, please stop. I can’t take it anymore. Every time I type my name, it gets changed to ‘Snake Rimjob,’ all my files are in Russian, and I got set all the way back to level one in Candy Crush Saga! You win!” Chalk this one up as another victory for Anonymous. Rumors on the web say that their next target could be The Daily Illini.

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Living at Home as a Newly 21-Year-Old Kitty Kat wrote this There is no worse curse that parents can put on their children than conception at the wrong time of the year. You know those weird kids from middle school who always seemed too big for their age? That’s because his mommy and daddy decided to bang each other for a Christmas gift, which lead to having a child with the dreaded “Awkward August” birthday. I had a bit more luck, but still suffered from late birthday syndrome. Having a birthday in April meant I was the last freshman getting into the 19-year-old campus bars, and now I’m only able to celebrate my 21st birthday for a few weeks until I return to live under my parents’ roof. Which leaves me to question, how will I be able to satisfy my new legal drinking addiction under the watch of mom and dad? I’m going to have to get creative. My parents aren’t big drinkers. My dad will have a Corona every so often when we eat Mexican food, and my mom will only have a wine cooler if she has absolutely nothing to do the next day. They don’t necessarily look down on drinking; they just don’t understand how amazing it is. Because of this, there’s going to have to be a lot of secretive butt chugging if I want to get my buzz on. My parents are really into the whole “family time” thing and usually don’t like it when I spend all day alone in my room. When I want to slam a few beers for the night, I’m going to have to do it quickly, hence butt chugging. It’s the only way I can guarantee I’ll feel a little tipsy with only five minutes of privacy. I might also have to indulge in the new trend of taking vodka eye shots if I want my drinking to go unnoticed. I wear contacts every day and frequently suffer from dry and itchy eyes, so it’s not totally weird if I’m constantly squirting contact solution at my face. I can always empty out one of my Bausch & Lomb bottles and pour in some Smirnoff instead. My parents will never guess that I’m getting drunk by sneaking the good shit in through my tear ducts, because really, who does that? My mom has already told me that I’ll be making a lot of dinners for our family this summer, which is fine by me. I love to cook and even though my college diet consists of a lot of Starbucks and Fat Sandwich, I can usually whip together a pretty healthy meal. What my family doesn’t know is that alcohol will constantly be on the menu. Beer-battered brats, pasta in a creamy vodka sauce, Bailey’s

cake, and tequila lime chicken kabobs. I’m pretty sure they won’t catch on, they’ll just think I’m broadening my culinary horizons. I might have to let my 14-year-old sister in on this one though, because her tiny body would only need one boozy bite before falling to the floor. Some readers might be thinking, “Dude, what’s the big deal? You’re 21 now. It’s not like your parents can stop you from drinking.” And yeah, technically you’re right. But they’re also providing me with a consistent stream of cash that I don’t just pay rent with. If I piss them off by drinking too much at home and puking in the washing machine, there goes my alcohol allowance. Then I’ll have to get a job and try hard and do a lot of things that I really don’t want to do. No matter what, I’ll be drinking a lot this summer, even if that means taking frequent trips down to Champaign to get my fix and pathetically bonging Bud Lights into my asshole. I’m pretty confident that I can get my mom to drink along with me. She’s continually striving to be perceived as “cool” by me. Hell, maybe I can even turn her on to the ole’ butt chug. If both of us stumble around the house drunk, my dad is just going to have to tough it out. He might end up getting lucky out of the whole thing (WITH MY MOM, SICKOS), so maybe he shouldn’t complain.

The Beauty of a Degree

from the University of Phoenix Reindeer Games wrote this Last year, when the stress and tuition came to be too much at the University of Illinois, I left this institution in search of greener, cheaper pastures. After a deep, self-reflective look into what I truly wanted, I decided that the University of Phoenix online was the place for me. I believed that adding my name to the ranks of the 600,000 Phoenicians would be the perfect ending to my higher education. I was so, so right. While some may be skeptical of this course of action, my grades have never been better. I’ll admit that my grades were not the best at the “prestigious” University of Illinois, but since moving over to a more relaxed atmosphere at U of Phoenix my GPA has peaked at a healthy 6.5. This might not seem possible, but I guess it shows just how great the school’s program really is. Somehow, I even managed to eek out an A from a class I wasn’t even enrolled in! You may argue that classes are easier at the University of Phoenix online, and I would be inclined to agree. However, the 2.5-point bump in GPA more than makes up for the amount of time wasted with busy work. Employers only look at the number anyway; it’s not like they’re going to really know what happened. I love how the University of Phoenix is more progressive when choosing classes compared to other universities. For example, when will you ever going to use statistics in real life? The University of Phoenix tries to offer classes that I’ll actually need when (or if) I get a job. My business classes at U of I spent too much time teaching me useless jargon

which only confused me. There’s no point in focusing on business and the economy anyway; the stock market today is too volatile to put too much effort or money into. BAM 451, Domestic Trade, at the University of Phoenix gives you insider knowledge on the Craigslist exchange scene, so you can resell stolen items locally to make a small profit. BAM 120, Assistant Management Skill Set, has been a huge asset to me as well. I’ve already seen a direct promotion and slight pay increase at Taco Bell. The University of Phoenix may seem like it is always involved in scandal, but just because the institution is for-profit does not necessarily mean they do not consistently help their students. While many have tried to test the University of Phoenix’s accreditation, the university has proven itself time and time again, with only minor scraps with the government. One of the huge advantages of the University of Phoenix is that it is significantly lighter on my pocketbook. I got financial aid without really doing anything, like filling out the FASFA or proving I was a U.S. citizen. The university claimed that government coin on my behalf, and I simply assume they’re putting it to good use, because I haven’t had to cut a check yet! If the University of Phoenix has taught me anything, it’s that anything is possible through the power of education. One of my economics professors, for example, was a crack dealer just three short months ago. The University of Phoenix online has

helped him achieve his goal of teaching economics to people around the country. With a degree from the University of Phoenix, you too can achieve your hopes and dreams, as long as those dreams don’t include getting hired anywhere you couldn’t already get hired at before enrolling at the university. The University of Phoenix has been a huge blessing to me. I may not be able to get a job right out of college, but the job market sucks as it is, so you Illini kids aren’t much better off. In fact, with your massive sums of debt and the work experience I had while taking online courses, I may be in a better position than you. So next time you look down on my fellow Phoenician graduates, remember that you’re a liberal arts major. Good luck with that.

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What You Can Do With a Philosophy Degree David Rubin wrote this Graduation is coming up, and we promise that it’s all going to be okay. After realizing that you’re leaving a four-year state university with a bachelor’s degree in philosophy, things must be looking pretty scary for you right now. There are a lot of people graduating with pointless degrees that don’t really have an applicable job market (like engineering—hasn’t everything been built already?), but your philosophy degree is one of the least marketable. It seemed like a good idea when you were a freshman, trying to hook up with that cute girl that lived in your dorm that liked “introspective” guys, but you completely regret it now; no one wants to pay someone to think. And we all know she didn’t touch you, not even over the pants. But don’t worry, there’s a light at the end of the very dark, metaphysical tunnel. Philosophy degrees can actually be really helpful for a lot of people. It promotes critical thinking and communication skills that many employers might find attractive and many socially awkward physics majors lack. Many may bemoan the foreign TA who is difficult to understand, but at least they talk. We’re certain mutism is 60% higher in EE majors. Just hang in there, because there are plenty of opportunities for your future job prospects out of college that don’t include fast food or check out lines.

For starters, people who pursue a degree in philosophy typically score very high on the LSAT. These tests require formal, thought-out logic that philosophy majors are trained for during their time as an undergrad. Don’t sell yourself short. You’re better than the average person at recognizing and analyzing arguments, beating out those dickhead history majors who planned on taking the LSAT this whole time. Knowing Saladin’s birthplace doesn’t help form a cohesive argument, man. Taking this a step further, philosophy majors often become very accomplished lawyers. Being a lawyer requires the ability to construct and penetrate good arguments against others. Additionally, you have a well-rounded understanding of ethics and a diverse comprehension of ideas and alternative perspectives. Lawyers are also known for excessive alcohol and cocaine consumption, something you were definitely accustomed to after all those homework-less nights. Law school is still a pain in the ass though, so make sure you have a few lines of snow ready for when you have to pull three allnighters in a row in the library. You could also push forward and go for your masters and PhD to warn people to not major in philosophy. If you’re not willing to do the extra work and pursue a law degree, you could pull off questioning the existence of life for another few

years. This doesn’t require much effort, just a lot of weed. How else do you think your philosophy professors got where they did? You think they actually planned on being a philosophy professor all along? No, because they had no choice when they were getting interviewed for a cashier job at KMart, and their uneducated manager asked, “Why the hell would you major in philosophy?” We know it’s tough seeing all your business and engineering friends making close to six figures straight out of college in jobs they’re going to hate in a year when you’re left extremely unemployed and high as shit. But they have nothing on you. While they spent hours learning fancy business models and whatever that thing they call “math” is, you’re smart enough to question whether or not you’re actually reading this article right now. You’re intelligent enough to know that you could just be in a state of mind that has shaped the world

around you, and has constructed a language communicating to you in print form at this exact moment in theoretical time. It can be exhausting, but at least you know to trust nothing. Take a deep breath there, buddy. Step away from the ledge; you are going to be just fine. Tell the haters to shut the hell up and turn this degree into something worthwhile. Shoot for the stars and go for that law degree! Or at least a management position at Starbucks. You can philosophize your way to the top (of a single store)! But when you inevitably fail after attending your first real class in four years, turn around and get your PhD in philosophy. After that, you can ask kids whether or not they think God is omnipresent, omnipotent and omniscient, or just as powerful as a wet strip of celery. With that kind of power it’s actually you playing god, philosophy major.

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A Guide to Living Off Your Parents’ Dime mad max wrote this

Remind your parents that they are required to feed you. It’s like, the law. As long as you weren’t adopted, there is a biological need parents have to feed their children. It’s why they were screaming at you to finish your plate while all those kids in Africa were starving every single night. It wasn’t like anyone was going to do anything about the starving kids, but they needed to guilt you to nourish yourself, and it has recently become unfashionable to slap children for not doing what their parents say. To get them to do this, as soon as the graduation ceremony ends, talk about how hungry you are. When your parents ask you what kind of food you’ve been eating, meekly respond with things such as your roommate’s leftover ramen, beans on toast, and licking the furniture (no actual nutritional value comes from licking things, it just eases the pains of hunger). They won’t like it, but until you have a steady income, they’ll be cooking for you until Mom doesn’t think you’re deathly skinny anymore. If they don’t like you that much, then hopefully they’ll just give you a few bucks and the address of the nearest McDonalds.

Top 10

Ways to Get Extended Time on Your Final Exam

Instead of studying--whatever that is-- you chose to let procrastination lead your life once again, and now you’re nowhere near ready for any of your final exams. Don’t sweat it. Here are ten ways to buy yourself some extra time. 10.) Send Your Professor a Fake Lottery Ticket: Let's be honest, most professors teach until they get tenured; once they have a retirement fund they stop giving a shit. Make up a fake lottery ticket claiming they’ve just won $10,000 a month for the rest of their life. By the time they realize the hoax, the exams will be in the garbage and your professor will be flying first class to Fiji.

Money is scarce. Last year’s summer earnings have been gone for a while and whoring yourself out and scavenging for booze have only left you with herpes and a bad reputation with the Green Street bums. With graduation looming, things ahead are looking even bleaker. Interviewers can easily point out how there is limited “real world” experience on your resume, but they don’t seem to care that the only “real world” experience of the next person in line is being a coffee bitch to a few guys who didn’t have enough money for a secretary. But getting by doesn’t have to be painful or derogatory. Just turn to the people who told you they would do anything to see you succeed and be happy. That’s right, your parents. Instead of waiting in purgatory for a paycheck, there are ways to extort money from your parents without feeling at all bad about it.

The

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9.) Go to McKinley for a Minor Issue: Chances are the "cough" you have will be diagnosed as bronchitis, ultimately leading the fake doctors into believing that your right lung is slowly disintegrating, and that you have six months to live. Bring in this tragic doctor’s note to your professor and watch the sympathy A’s roll in. Just make sure you eventually make a miraculous recovery so you don’t have to transfer schools. 8.) Take a Suppository Fifteen Minutes Prior to Your Exam: Having to blow out the contents of your colon during a final makes for awkward encounters with your TA, but at least it's evident that you're not cheating. You clearly just had to take a really big shit and hey, that's not your fault. 7.) Badger the Meathead: Throw back a few shots before going to your exam and proceed to heckle the most ripped dude in the room. Eventually the 'roid rage will be too much for him to handle, leading him to beat the shit out of you. You get out of your exam for a day, AND you're drunk. Win-win. 6.) Fake a Heart Attack: Not just for theatre majors anymore; it’s time to break out your acting skills. Clutching your chest and left arm, enact the performance of a lifetime as you collapse to the floor in agony. Once you've been taken away via ambulance you're in the clear. You may be in deep shit with the hospital, but at least you got more time on your essay, right?

Even if they refuse to feed you, no parent wants their child to be homeless. Therefore, you’ll move back into your childhood home until you can afford your own pad. The problem with this is that a childhood bed is not the place to be bringing back your more flexible friends. There’s just not enough room for sexual activities. You’ve grown and so have your needs, so take over the well-kept guest bedroom as your sex dungeon du jour. However, while your parents are still paying for rent, they may feel entitled to walk in on your smash fest at any time. But that shouldn’t stop you from getting comfy in your new space. Leave pornography and lewd things lying around so if they ever make the mistake of walking in, they won’t make the mistake again. If your parents have sold your old home and moved into a smaller place that they don’t want you dwelling in, some discrete manipulation will be in order. For girls this is easy. Bring around your sleaziest guy friends and when your parents ask where you’re staying, tell them you’ll be at his place. They’ll be writing you a check for a new single-bedroom apartment soon. For guys, it’s wise to be a little more subtle. Offer to do chores around the house, but do them terribly.

Offer to vacuum the den, but “accidentally” suck up a loose carpet thread, unraveling a third of the basement. Water the yard with salt water. Basically, do enough damage that a quick cost-benefit analysis shows your parents that a one-bedroom place is cheaper than having you at home. It is important not to show any signs of weakness; no crying or outrageous begging. Your parents want to know their 4-year college investment was worth it and that you’ve actually grown. Remember that they don’t owe you anything. In fact, you owe them for a shitload of things, including an all-inclusive nine-month stay in your mom that she will not let you live down. Keep your dignity intact, and show your parents you won’t shit yourself when under pressure. Make this era of no money and no future seem important; they’re the poor and resourceful years that you’ll look back on and laugh at some day. For the time being, you just need a little help to physically survive. Make some long promises to your parents you won’t keep; they’ll appreciate it. If you’re still in debt by the time they die, all of it washes away, and it’s not like they wanted to outlive you anyway.

5.) Have a Mental Breakdown: The stress of finals week is apparent, and you’re not really thinking straight. Show up to your exam wearing mismatched clothes and no pants. Hell, go naked! Keep muttering nonsensical phrases like, "The square root of a mitochondria is analyzed via Shakesperean vernacular." Start sobbing uncontrollably and develop temporary Tourette's. You'll be too much of a distraction to keep around for the rest of the regular exam. 4.) Slam Your Hand Between the Desk and Lecture Seat: Desperate? James Franco was in 127 Hours. You don't have to go as extreme as cutting off your own arm, but a nice fractured hand will be enough to get you a free extension on your exam. If you need more time, make sure you break your dominant hand. It's imperative that those Scantron bubbles are perfectly inside the lines, and you can’t do that with a gimpy limb. 3.) Drink Ipecac During the Exam: Sure, it's poison, but you wouldn't be reading this if you weren't willing to go to any means necessary to avoid studying. Two tablespoons of this concoction will induce projectile vomiting within 20 minutes. Extended time, for sure. 2.) Train Your Dog a Year in Advance to Eat Final Exams: We recommend starting this one as soon as you register for classes. If you know that the professor from Hell teaches one of your courses, prepare your dog to attack final exams on sight. With enough persistence, your dog will learn to hate biochemistry as much as you do. On finals day, release the kraken and watch as those pretty little finals get torn to shreds.

1.) Stage a Kidnapping: When all else fails, the only way to go is to be physically forced to get out of that lecture hall. We all have a ballsy friend who's willing to do anything … or perhaps they're just high enough to go along with the idea. Either way, have them break into your lecture hall and drag you out while you scream in fear. Your professor won't know what the hell is going on, and you'll definitely get the extended time. The whole class probably will too.

Sammie sea wrote this

page 10

theblacksheeponline.com

Fool-Proof Grad School Recommendation Letter Benny Boy wrote this Applying to graduate school can be a very troublesome experience. The uncertainty of the future mixed with application fees and deadlines provides more stress than the average person can take. To make this process a little easier for you, The Black Sheep got in touch with a few ex-grad school application committee heads in order to create the most fool-proof letter of recommendation for you to use at your disposal. All you need to do is write your name in the blank spaces and say that you delivered papers for us or something. Dear sir/madame, It has come to my attention that you are considering accepting _______________ into your graduate school program. Having myself held jobs at Harvard and Princeton, I am more than aware of the qualities you are looking for in an applicant. You want somebody who is committed, intelligent, and who displays leadership in both his studies and community, which is all too convenient being that if you looked up the words commitment, intelligence, and leadership in a dictionary you would literally see a picture of _______________’s dick. _______________ is the most intellectually, athletically, and sexually impressive student I have ever had the luxury of coming across during my esteemed career. I first met _______________ when I was volunteering in Haiti. There was an elementary school in one of the country’s poorest slums which was strangely producing some of the country’s most gifted and hardworking citizens. I visited the school to see what was happening within its walls, and when I got there I saw _______________ standing at the front of the class, teaching the young students advanced calculus. Not only that, he was also delivering his lecture in Latin. When I went to approach this impressive individual a student in

the front of the class began choking on a raisin. Without hesitation, _______________ removed his shirt, revealing one of the most cut six packs I have ever seen in my life, and wrapped it around his fist to begin the Heimlich maneuver. When this failed, _______________ began emergency CPR. It succeeded; he breathed life into that young child. When I asked him what compels him to do all of this for the less fortunate, he simply said, “Because I give a damn.” When the news crew came to cover the story, _______________ refused to stick around for interviews because he had a marathon to run later that day. It was a while before I saw this brilliant young student again. Sure enough, however, I caught wind of a good samaritan who was teaching inmates at the Danville Correctional Center in an article on CNN. Apparently _______________ had created a class called “Sensitive Mathematics” which functioned as a cross between advanced mathematics and male sensitivity training. In this class, inmates answer complex mathematical proofs, and when they get one right it is followed by that inmate sharing a dream or aspiration, which is then followed by a period of shared crying. The program has proved so successful that former participants have been accepted to institutions such as Stanford Law and MIT. _______________ is not all business all of the time, however. Like any normal guy, he has many different hobbies and crafts. When he isn’t getting his body into peak physical condition in preparation for his bi-monthly triathlons, _______________ enjoys leading therapeutic drum circles with deaf children through his city’s community recreation center. At night, _______________ takes his musical talents to his town’s retirement home by playing double-bass in a big band ensemble alongside a group of troubled youths he is mentoring. Members of Shady Oaks retirement center enjoy hearing lively renditions of hits from Dave Brubeck, Benny Goodman and Dizzy Gillespie.

If there is one flaw that _______________ has, it’s that he cares too much. He often has little time to spend with his model, cheerleader girlfriend, and almost never has chance to write his beloved articles in our university’s Human and Environmental Rights newsletter. However, there is one thing that he would never neglect and that is his duties to you and your fine graduate school. Please accept _______________. Do it for the Haitian children. Sincerely, T. B. Sheep

102 East Gregory

AT $300/MONTH! Locations on John, Gregory, West Oregon & Iowa Furnished Units Available • Pet Friendly • Laundry On-Site • Parking Passes Available Close to Campus and Nightlife • Located near MTD Bus Lines Office: 202 East Green Street | Champaign, IL | (217) 355-8300

The Bar Grid Page 1 of 3 SPECIAL NIGHT

King of the Wings! Contest all April - Finals 4/24 Trophy, t-shirts, prizes and more Must register at the bar at 9pm on Wed - First Come First Served!

Friday Night's Shows Summer Camp Music Festival Pre-Party featuring FAMILY GROOVE COMPANY with ZMICK and BRAINCHILD

FRIDAY Happy Hour Food Specials Open at 5pm! $3 PIZZAS - $3 NACHOS $5 Bud Light Lime-A-Rita Pitchers $3 Bud Light 24oz Tallboy Cans

SATURDAY! Candy Foster, 9:30pm, $5

WEDNESDAY 4/24

$0.15 Wings: 8pm Til They're Gone! $1.50 High Life Bottles, $2 Flavored Long Island, $2 Jager Bombs $2.50 PBR Tall Boys and $2 Sauza Tequila Every Day!

OPEN DECKS with DJ MELLOW LATE SHOW! $2 Red Bull Drinks No Cover!

Frattle FINALS!! Someone is going to WIN $1000 Tonight! FREE GLOWSTICKS!

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

THURSDAY 4/25

$1 Wells, $2 SoCo Lime Shots $2.50 SoCo, Jack Daniels & Tuaca Mixers, $3 Long Islands, $4 Domestic Pitchers $2.50 PBR Tall Boys and $2 Sauza Tequila Every Day!

COLLAB & LISTEN: A Night of Hip Hop and more! featuring THE INTERNS, DJ MELLOW, EPILEPC and MOOP

$1 WELLS $2 Red Bull Vodka's $3 Everything Else in the House!

Avon Dale, 10pm $2 Domestics, $2 Wells

FRIDAY 4/26

$1 Cherry & O Bombs, $2 Jäger Bombs, $2 Wells, $3 Three Olives Vodka Mixers, $3 Signature Shots $7 Domestic Pitchers $2.50 PBR Tall Boys and $2 Sauza Tequila Every Day!

Summer Camp Music Festival Pre-Party featuring FAMILY GROOVE COMPANY with ZMICK and BRAINCHILD

Happy Hour Food Specials Open at 5pm! $3 PIZZAS - $3 NACHOS $5 Bud Light Lime-A-Rita Pitchers $3 Bud Light 24oz Tallboy Cans

Candy Foster, 9:30pm, $5

SATURDAY 4/27

$1 Cherry & O Bombs, $2 Jäger Bombs, $2 Wells, $3 Bacardi Mixers $7 Domestic Pitchers $2.50 PBR Tall Boys and $2 Sauza Tequila Every Day!

GIRLS NEXT DOOR : One Night Only! (Early Show!) NAHKO & MEDICINE FOR THE PEOPLE with DUSTIN THOMAS and JAIK WILLIS

$3 Captain Morgan $3 Jim Beam $5 Patron Shots $3 Bud Light Bottles $3 Vegas Bombs

The Thin Souls, 9:30pm, $5 w/ Unknown Pleasures and The Handcuffs

Closed

BENEFIT FOR THE MALI WATER PROJECT featuring AS THE LIGHT, ORBIT DANGERFIELD and WOODY

Book Your Next Party or Event Here! Contact our event planner at CochraneParty@Gmail.com or call 217-722-9000

Big Dave's Trivia Night FREE | 7:30PM! $1 Miller High Life Drafts | $2 Miller Lite Drafts | $2 Jameson Shots $5 Red Bull Vodkas | $5 Nacho

$2 Wells

The patio opens when weather permits! Food from our kitchen coming soon! Book Your Private Party by calling us at 398-2688 or emailing info@cowboy-monkey.com

SUNDAY 4/28

MASON JAR MONDAY! Pub Quiz Starting at 9PM!

MONDAY NIGHT HOUSE PARTY Open Mic with JAMES MOORE till 11pm, Battle for the Summer Camp Music Festival!

MONDAY 4/29

$3 Bud Light and Budweiser Drafts, $3 Double Wells, $3 Double Jack and Double Soco $2.50 PBR Tall Boys and $2 Sauza Tequila Every Day!

TUESDAY 4/30

CRAFT BEER NIGHT! $2 Wells, $2 Micro Drafts, $3 Import Drafts $2 Shot of the Week $2.50 PBR Tall Boys and $2 Sauza Tequila Every Day!

THE PIANO MAN Playing all your favorites! $2 Real Strong Island Iced Teas No Cover!

Wine Night $8 Bottles of WIne $2 Goose island 312 Bottles $2 Wells

Open Mic Night - Free! Sign-Up Starts at 9:30pm $1 Off All Drafts $3 Jameson Shots

WEDNESDAY 5/1

$0.15 Wings: 8pm Til They're Gone! $1.50 High Life Bottles, $2 Flavored Long Island, $2 Jager Bombs

OPEN DECKS Battle for the Summer Camp Music Festival $2 Red Bull Drinks No Cover!

READING DAY EVE! No School Tomorrow! $2 Pinnacle Vodka Drinks, $2 Two Gingers Whiskey, $2 Bud Light Bottles, Special Guest DJ!

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

$1 Slices from Manolos - No Cover!

W IN NO MOVE T A $200 GE AND CARD! GIFT

if you need it, we’ve got it!

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The BarGrid Page 2 of 3 SPECIAL NIGHT

Green Street Café 35 E. Green Street

Firehaus is proud to be an Official Blackhawks Bar! Hawks Playoffs Begin Next Week!

FRIDAY: Open Mic Wednesdays, $3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy’s Special Night Come Play! $5.50 Jager Bombs Happy Hour $1 off all Appetizers and ½ off all Hookah’s (at GSC2) from 6-8 every day. $7.95 Fish Sandwich Free pool during happy hour!!! 35 E. Green Street

WEDNESDAY 4/24

Bicycle and Scooter Storage Convenient Grocery Store Tanning

KARAOKE at 10PM! Win Prizes! $1 SHOTS, $2 UV Vodka $2 Sailor Jerry Bud Mug Night! Get the Brand New 23oz Glass! BLACKHAWKS vs OILERS 8:30pm

Open Mic Night! Wednesday Great specials, OPEN MIC Night Come play music $2.50 Corona for your friends! $2.50 Jager Bombs

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken

FRIDAY! DJ Delayney @ 11pm $4 Double Wells Free Entry before 10:30 w/ Student ID

SATURDAY: $6 Pitchers of Lunchbox, 1/2 price burgers BULLS vs NETS 1pm Hawks vs Blues 7:30pm

Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!

New Spring Seasonal food specials! $2 Fireball, $2 Woodchuck BLACKHAWKS vs OILERS 8:30pm

$3 Strong Islands

THURSDAY 4/25

$5 Lime-A-Rita PITCHERS! | Half Price Whiskey! | $2.50 Jack - $2.50 Jameson | HALF PRICE BURGERS 7:30-10pm | $3 Jager Bombs NBA Playoffs - Game 3 BULLS vs NETS 7:30pm

$2 Domestic Bottles $4 ICB’s $3 Imports and Specialty Beers $3 Cherry Bombs $4 Pitchers of Bud and Coors Light

$3.50 White Russians $3 Any Draft $7.50 Italian Beef

Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gmail.com

$5 24 oz. Yards of Gatorade Free Cover Any Thursday when you bring your yard back! BULLS vs NETS 7:30pm

FRIDAY 4/26

Friday After Class! BLACKHAWKS vs FLAMES 7:30pm $5 Bud Light 40's, $3.99 HAUS FRIES, $3 Captain Morgan $3 Jim Beam

$1 Off All Bourbons $2 Miller Bottles $3 Jager Bombs $3 All Octoberfest Beers $4 Strong Islands

$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy’s $5.50 Jager Bombs $7.95 Fish Sandwich

DJ Delayney @ 11pm $4 Double Wells Free Entry before 10:30 w/ Student ID

Book your next event at Joe's 217-384-1790 Come enjoy the beer garden and watch THE HAWKS at 7:30!

SATURDAY 4/27

Special Saturday Mug Night! You Keep the 23oz Tallboy Glass! $3 Jameson, $3 Rumpleminze $3 Goldschlager, $7 Bud Pitchers Doubleheader! BULLS vs NETS 1pm | Blackhawks vs Blues 7:30pm

$1 Off All Bourbons $2 Miller Bottles $3 Jager Bombs $3 All Octoberfest Beers $4 Strong Islands

Catch all the MLB, NHL and NBA Action at Guido's!

DJs and Dancing Spend your Saturday night at Highdive!

SUNDAY 4/28

NBA PLAYOFFS $2 Anything in the House! BEER GARDEN is OPEN!

$2 Drafts $3 All Dr’s $4 Oh Yeah’s

$3 Vodka Red Bulls $5 Coors Light & Miller Light Pitchers $5 Nachos

80s Night Has Moved to Cowboy Monkey!

Sunday Funday! Check Out Joe's Bucket List! 5 for $11 Mix-and-match your favorite beers!

MONDAY 4/29

NBA PLAYOFFS! Bulls vs Nets 7pm GAME 5 $2 Bud Light Drafts $2 Long Islands $3 Craft/Import Beer

$2 Coors and Miller Light Pints $3 Cherry bombs $3 Vodka RB $4 Double Vodka RB

$3 Jameson $2 Coors Light and Miller Light Draft 1/2 Off Apps (After 5pm) $7.50 BBQ Pork Sandwich

Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gmail.com

Bulls vs Nets 7pm MNJ: $2 Blue Kamikazes $2 Bud Platinums

TUESDAY 4/30

HALF PRICE SHARKBOWLS $2.99 Cheeseburger & Chips 4-9pm $2 WELLS, $2 Fireball Shots, $2 Malibu

Karaoke Night $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Marky Bombs $4 Strong Islands

$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells $7.50 Roast Beef and Cheddar Melt

Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gamil.com

Tequila Tuesday! $2 Blue Moons Artist of the Week: NKOTB

WEDNESDAY 5/1

KARAOKE at 10PM! Win Prizes! $1 SHOTS, $2 UV Vodka, $2 Sailor Jerry Bud Mug Night! Get the Brand New 23oz Glass!

Open Mic Night! Great specials, Come play music for your friends!

Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!

Book your next party at Joe's! 217-384-1790

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken

Start your day where yesterday ended...Wake up at Joe's! $6 Pitchers of Lunchbox, 1/2 price burgers BULLS vs NETS 1pm Blackhawks vs Blues 7:30pm

If you don’t start following us... YOU WON’T KNOW WHAT’S SO DAMN FUNNY.

@BLACKSHEEP_UIUC Scan to go right to the page!

$5.50 Bacon Mega Cheeseburger $5.00 Hamm's Pitchers, $4.50 Wild Turkey & Black Beard Rum Doubles, $2.25 Orachata Shots $3.50 Jager Bombs!

PITCHER NIGHT! $3 Natty Light Pitchers $5 Well Pitchers Including UV Vodka, Evan Williams & Sailor Jerry

WED. 4/24

$7.00 Killians, Shocktop, Lienenkugel's, Third Shift $2.50 Specialty Pints & Bottles $5.00 Magic Dragons No Cover!

Electric Forest Campus Invasion! Win Tickets to Electric Forest! Lots of Giveaways! Special Guest DJ!

THURS. 4/25

BIG FRIDAY! $4.50 32oz Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms

$2.25 Miller Lite, Coors Lite, Budweiser, Bud Light Pints $5.00 Skyy Vodka & Wild Turkey Doubles $3.50 Jager Bombs

Open at 5pm $1 Fratty Natty Bottles $1 Burnetts Vodka $3 Vegas Bombs $3 Bud Light Bottles

FRI. 4/26

Adult Swim presents.... Adult Swim DJ Battle at Red Lion! FREE COVER ALL NIGHT Courtesy of Adult Swim! Lots of Giveaways - Surprises and a DJ BATTLE!

SAT. 4/27

$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors

Logo Glass Wednesday featuring Coors Light Logo Glass $3.50 / $1.50 refill

SATURDAY: Adult Swim presents.... Adult Swim DJ Battle at Red Lion! FREE COVER ALL NIGHT Courtesy of Adult Swim! Lots of Giveaways - Surprises and a DJ BATTLE!

SPECIAL NIGHT

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

The BarGrid Page 3 of 3

DOWNTOWN 1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)

KAM'S SATURDAY! Marathon Party! Open at 9AM Prizes Being Raffled Every Hour! $3 Crown Royal Drinks Bulls at 1PM, Cubs/Sox at 6PM Hawks at 7PM

BIG FRIDAY! $4.50 32oz Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms

Jukebox Night! All Request DJ! $1.50 Bud and Bud Lt. Bottles $2 Black Crown and Platinum $3 Bombs, $6 Pitchers $2 Light 16oz Bottles Hawks at 8:30!

School of Beer $2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles Meme Glass Night!

$2 U Call Its Bulls at 7:30 Challenge Accepted!

Collect Them All!

$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

$2.50 Cuervo and Captain $3 24oz Cans Hawks at 7:30 Party with the Captain Girls and DJ Dash!

$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

Marathon Party! Open at 9AM Prizes Being Raffled Every Hour! $3 Crown Royal Drinks Bulls at 1PM, Cubs/Sox at 6PM Hawks at 7PM

Little Saturday... because BIG FRIDAY kicked your Butt

$2.75 Murphy's Irish Stout $5.00 Magic Dragons & Jameson Doubles, $7.00 Miller Lite, Coors Lite, Budweiser, Bud Light Pitchers

Closed

Sunday Funday! $3 All Drafts

$4.00 Double Long Islands $4.50 Hamm's Pitchers $2.00 Orachata Shots $2.50 Specialty Pints & Bottles

Book your next Event or Party at the Red Lion! Contact our event planner at CochraneParty@gmail.com

SUN. 4/28

$1.50 High Life Drafts! $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

$2 U Call Its Bulls at 7!

"Beer Lovers Night" $2 All Domestics $3.25 All Imports

$5.50 Mega Cheeseburger $2.00 Blue Moon $4.00 Pinnacle Doubles Karaoke @ 10

Monday Night Lion $1 U CALL IT $2 Red Bull Vodka's $2 Captain Morgan $2 Bud Light Bottles

MON. 4/29

1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)

Country Night! Mason Jar Drinks: $1.50 Jim Beam & Red Stag, $1.50 Lite Drafts

Ride the Rail $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms Drafts $3.50 All Other Drafts

Country Night! $4.50 Hamm's Pitchers, $2 Jim Beam Mixers, Pinnacle Vodka Shots, $2 16oz PBR/ Schlitz/ Old Style - Tall Boys

HALF PRICE WHISKEY NIGHT $2.50 UV Bombs

TUES. 4/30

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

Jukebox Night! All Request DJ! $1.50 Bud and Bud Lt. Bottles $2 Black Crown and Platinum $3 Bombs, $6 Pitchers $2 Light 16oz Bottles

School of Beer $2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles

$5.50 Bacon Mega Cheeseburger $5.00 Hamm's Pitchers, $4.50 Wild Turkey & Black Beard Rum Doubles, $2.25 Orachata Shots $3.50 Jager Bombs!

RED LION PROM Saturday, May 4th We've Turned RL into your Prom! No Tickets to Buy! Just come party!

WED. 5/1

$2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells $5 Personal Pizzas with 2 Toppings $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

[PartyPics]

send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

(View and Send Pics from our iPhone & Android App! Search black sheep mobile)

page 16

bartenders of the week

Favorite drink: Perrier

Bartender nickname: The Mailman

Relationship status: Connor Ward

Favorite drink: Buttery nipple

Worst nightmare: Cargo shorts

Relationship status: Single Biggest fear: Herpes

Dream girl: Karli Jackson

Best line someone’s used to get drinks from you: “If you serve me now, I’ll blow you later.”

Dream boy: Hank Celeb you want to film a porno with: Team Edward

Biggest turn-on: A big ol’ booty Biggest turn-off: Smoking cigs

Superhero name: Ringleberries

Best name for a puppy: Mila

Tyler

The Clybourne

Best place you’ve gotten a blowjob: Driving in a car with the girl’s parents driving behind us Dream location for a blowjob: Anywhere. A warm mouth is a warm mouth.

the drinking game:

theblacksheeponline.com

Favorite hole: Back of the knee

Colin

the red lion

Favorite hair color on a girl: Copper brown

recipe for disaster:

Target Practice

Roasted meat'n'cheese

When Mother Nature gets off her rag and the weather is consistently nice, take some booze to the Quad with your buddies and play some Target Practice. Nothing is better than knocking the most annoying people on their asses with a dodge ball while having a few stiff drinks.

Nothing says “manly” like a dish made of purely meat and cheese. Veggies are for pussies. So if you feel like stuffing your face, here’s a great way to do it with all the glory and splendor fit for a fat Italian don, capiche?

What You’ll Need: Your favorite kind of hard booze, a water bottle, and dodge balls. Number of Players: At least two throwers and one ball bitch. Level of Intoxication: Frat star status. How To Play: - Bring a water bottle full of booze and some dodge balls to the Quad between classes. Don’t get caught though. - Designate a ball bitch so time is not wasted running after your own balls. - The goal is to hit the different targets you see passing by. Each player must drink when a target is hit. -When hitting a target, one must pretend that it was, “Like, totally accidental, dude.” - Add up your points for the targets as follows to see who wins at the end. - 10 points for any kid running to class or trying to catch a bus. - 5 points for any couple making out. - 15 points for a professor. - 5 points for a sorostitute or frat star wearing their letters. - 10 points for a dog. - 10 points for anyone handing out flyers. - 15 points for Bible thumpers. - 5 points for a scholarship athlete. The Game Ends When: One player gets to one hundred points. Loser buys the first round at happy hour.

download our app for all of our drinking games!

What You’ll Need: One box of your favorite type of pasta, 1.5 cups milk, 3 tablespoons flour, a bag or two of your favorite shredded cheese, 2 tablespoons breadcrumbs, 1/4 cup olive oil, a couple packages of sausage/pepperoni/some type of yummy meat, garlic powder and red pepper flakes. Cook Time: 30 minutes. Fatty Factor: The cheesy goodness will help you forget about the extra baggage ‘round the ole’ waist. Let’s Get Baked: - Preheat your oven to 500 degrees. - Fill a pot with water, toss it on the stove, and bring that baby to a boil. - In a skillet, heat up the oil, garlic, red pepper and meat. - Whisk in the flour into the skillet and slowly add in the milk until the mixture becomes thick. - By now, the water is boiling. Dump in your box of pasta and cook until al dente. - Remove the skillet from heat, mix in your bags of cheese until you have a delicious sauce. - Pour the cheesy sauce mixture and strained pasta into a large casserole dish. - Sprinkle breadcrumbs on top and put the dish in the oven for 3-4 minutes until golden brown. Now pair this with some garlic bread and go H.A.M.! That reminds us, add some ham.

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page 17

the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android

booze of the week Booze Review: El Zarco Tequila | grade: A Overview: It’s always a scary moment when you have to purchase the $15 bottle of tequila over the reliable $35-er because you’re low on cash. But in this case, we stumbled across a pleasant surprise. Cheap tequila that won’t make you hallucinate and hurl everywhere after one shot? We’re in.

cluded goofy sound effects, incessant zooming in and out of the camera, and the phrase “It’s Tristillation™!” repeated twenty times in different voices. The video went viral online, with a lot of people commenting, “Oh my God! He’s back!”

History: America’s favorite scientist, Bill Nye, had been lonely and out of the science game since his show ended in 1998. He longed to remain a role model for children born in the 90s but realized they were growing up and more interested in partying and sex than gravity and electricity. So Bill channeled his “If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em” attitude and moved into a market to win back the love of his childhood viewers.

As his bottles flew off the shelves at ridiculously reasonable prices, Bill held back tears of happiness. He was finally back in his seat of power as the coolest dude and best role model any 90s kid could have asked for.

Bill constructed an exclusive, state-of-the-art laboratory in his basement to house his new hobby and purchased thousands of acres of blue agave fields he could hand-harvest himself. With all of this new equipment, Bill began to distill his own tequila in sleek and modern bottles and gave it the name El Zarco.

User Comments: “Science rules!” “Did you see what happened on Boy Meets World yesterday?” “Surprisingly, this doesn’t taste like gasoline!”

But he made sure that his tequila wasn’t just your average, run-of-the-mill liquor. Bill created this new process called Tristillation™ to better distill his tequila. He made an informational YouTube video about this plan that in-

Conclusion: Let’s all give a big round of applause to Mr. Bill Nye for not only teaching us how cool science can be but also for creating tequila that is delicious and totally affordable by the college market.

Typical Drinkers: The cast of Full House, Nick Carter, Will Smith, girls that used to write with gel pens, and Topanga.

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The Blackout and the Beautiful: Part XI Forrest Fire wrote this Last Time on The Blackout and the Beautiful: Jerry had a slight altercation with the evil twins Kevin and Jack, who snuck into Jerry’s apartment and sent Allie a Facebook message telling her that Jerry had been making sweet love to her mother. Kevin and Jack’s threats were shut down when Jerry recorded Kevin admitting to Allie’s kidnapping.

“Hey baby, I’m at the front door,” Mrs. Jennings said in a sultry tone. Jerry was immediately aroused but his conscience shot out waves of pain as he remembered Allie. “This is a bad time, Veronica. I really need to talk to Allie…” Jerry was cut off mid-sentence as his apartment door swung open. Mrs. Jennings immediately jumped on top of Jerry, trying to remove his clothes. Jerry tried to resist but quickly obliged her advances and began to undo his belt. Everything screeched to a halt when Mrs. Jennings’ phone began to ring with a call from Allie.

"I’m asthmatic as shit, are you kidding me?" - Maggie B., Junior

She pulled Jerry’s throbbing dick out of her mouth, “Oh honey, Jerry loves you, and it’s probably not what you think. You should call him back. Don’t get all worked up.” Veronica continued to give her daughter encouraging words while simultaneously licking Jerry’s shaft. Jerry knew it was messed up that she was on the phone with his girlfriend, but Mrs. Jennings’ luscious tits bouncing around made it feel all right. Mrs. Jennings hung up the phone and focused all of her attention on Jerry’s dick. Within a few minutes, he was inside of her, and they were going at it hard.

“Hey sweetie, is everything okay?” Jerry heard Mrs. Jennings motherly tone and began to feel guilty. Mrs. Jennings, on the other hand, felt no guilt at all and began to go down on Jerry between sentences with her daughter, Jerry’s girlfriend.

After they simultaneously climaxed, Jerry opened his phone to four missed calls and six text messages from Allie. Her final message read, “Can I come over around 4:25?” Jerry responded yes but hadn’t realized that his dyslexia got the best of him again. The text actually said 2:45. It was now 2:30, and Jerry was tapping into round two with Allie’s mom.

“Hey mom, no it’s not. Jerry just left me a voicemail saying that we needed to talk. I think there’s someone else. What do I do?”

Allie nervously walked toward the T3 elevators. She took a deep breath as she pressed the up button and stepped inside. While she climbed higher up the

building, Allie internally argued with herself about what Jerry could possibly want to talk about. “Should I just break up with him before he breaks up with me? Who is this other girl? Maybe he’s not cheating on me. Yeah, he’s not cheating on me, he would never do that!”

She stepped inside and, just as she suspected, heard the shower running in the bathroom. Allie suddenly had the naughty idea to join him in there, knowing that that could solve almost any problem they were apparently having. Allie stripped down and quietly walked toward the sound of running water. When she opened the bathroom door she saw her mother’s naked body pressed up against the wall and Jerry kissing her wet, exposed breasts. Stay tuned for the thrilling conclusion next week!

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With her newfound confidence in her relationship, Allie knocked on Jerry’s apartment door. There was no answer so she tried to give Jerry a call. Still no answer. Allie figured that Jerry was probably in the shower so she tried the knob. She jiggled it, and the door cracked open.

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Jerry burst through his apartment door in panic. He tried calling Allie a few times on his way home, but she never picked up. He hoped that she hadn’t already seen the Facebook message; if anyone was going to tell Allie the truth, it had to be him. Jerry paced around his room, deciding what to do next. Was it better for him to go to her place? Or should he just play it cool and wait for her? In the middle of thought, Jerry was interrupted by a phone call. The ringtone, “I’m a Slave for You” by Britney Spears sounded at an ear-shattering volume. “What the hell?” Jerry said aloud. “I never set that.” Jerry checked the screen and saw “Veronica” appear. Jerry rolled his eyes when he realized Mrs. Jennings must have changed her name and set the song when he wasn’t looking.

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page 19

continued from the cover

At this point, I started growing concerned with the legitimacy of my internship. I’d heard jokes about creative writing majors before, but I hadn’t anticipated anything like this. Even though I believed that everything The Muff-In Man was doing at this point was part of an elaborate performance art spectacle that would naturally fuel his next collection of prose, I wanted to ask about his credentials as a professional creative writer. “Well, I graduated at the top of my class during my undergrad, went on to study under the wing of Mr. Kurt Vonnegut while enrolled in the esteemed University of Iowa MFA program, did some PhD work alongside David Foster Wallace and other literary greats, and that’s when I realized there was no more schooling that I could move on to. I figured living in my own personal Hell would instill enough torment and rampant substance abuse problems for me to take my experiences and write a gritty, Pulitzer-winning novel, but I usually end up eating what I scribble down. You really miss out on the simple, finer things in life when you’re homeless, like enjoying a few reams of loose-leaf paper every now and then. Plus, it causes me to take the most profoundly narcissistic shits.” The Muff-In Man concluded his answer without noticing that urine was running down his tattered pant leg at the time, dripping into a conveniently placed Dixie cup that he had taped to his ankle. This, if I recall correctly, was part of his “recycle and save some for later” philosophy on developing interesting characters. Granted that this internship has only gone on for a few weeks now, I do feel as if I’m beginning to understand the genius behind The Muff-In Man’s expertise as a thought-provoking creative writer. I’ve already learned far more than any of my classes have taught me, and it’s truly an honor to study under the wing of such an underground influence who has been, quite literally, contorting the dimensions of the literary world right before my very eyes. In fact, my advisor had demonstrated to me the power of alternative diction by stealing and pawning off the “Art” on the “Art Institute of Chicago” sign for inspiration money. I asked The Muff-In Man if this action of protest and deconstruction of syntactical stability was meant to signify that art is dead and that we are all just slaves to one overarching “institute.” He looked at me quizzically whilst giving an over-the-pants handjob to a poorly-disguised politician for even more inspiration and said, “Muff-Muff, it can mean whatever you want it to mean. I just needed to a pay off a Latin King crime lord so I could keep what’s left of my remaining toes.” Amidst all of this grime, The Muff-In Man did show me the perks of creative writing last Friday, or a day he now calls “The Godlike Irresistible Feast” (TGIF). About half past two in the morning, my advisor took me to one of the most prestigious brothels of the city—one mystifying enough to brave through years of health violations and venereal outbreaks—where he had me front the rest of my internship security funding (which I had no idea existed until that point) in order to gain entrance into the establishment. Once inside, my superior was escorted by three older women who looked like they had cold symptoms into his “chamber of debauchery,” leaving

me only with a series of crumpled poems he had yet to publish. While it’s been a week or so since I’ve last met with my internship advisor, I can safely say that for the first time in my life I’m looking forward to the prospects that my creative writing degree will grant me in the near future. Perhaps the pay won’t be as rewarding as my fellow engineering and science students, but I cannot imagine living my life without suffering as an auteur of written excellence. If injecting normatively undesirable wastes into my urinary tract will get me published, then load up the syringes.

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The Black Sheep's guide to

Summer 2013 Fashion As spring turns to summer The Black Sheep does its best to bring you, dear reader, our most important thoughts on the season’s top fashions. Straight from the Paris runway to the hallowed pages of this tome, it’s time to get excited about fashion all over again. All photos courtesy of GoRunway @ Glamour « Written by Brendan and Quinn

Brendan: The perfect outfit for the modern woman who wants to take part in a bukkake session, but doesn’t want the overwhelming sense of shame that comes with people knowing what she did. The sheer, ringed pants show just enough skin to keep the gaggle of men she’s servicing interested, and the top is ugly enough to keep the audience’s focus on the important part of this lovemaking session.

Brendan: If I saw a woman walking down the street wearing this, I’d assume she’s a midget vampire lumberjack with body image issues, forced to share clothing with her gargantuan older brother. I will say the leopardprint bag goes well with the rest of her outfit, because when hunting for exotic furs it’s important to do so in silver heels and clothing that, while sleeveless, looks impractically hot and wildly unwieldy.

Get graphic

Quinn: Contrary to what out-of-theloop miscreants who wish midget vampire lumberjacks exist will say, this outfit is the perfect amalgamation of the hottest trends on the market. Unnecessarily deep v-neck? Check. Plaid? Check. Sort of tank top? Check. Pants-optional? Check and mate. Not only that, but you get the throwback to the staple outfit of the eighth grade stoner: the baja. This outfit takes everything good in fashion today and mashes them together into one beautiful nightmare.

Brendan: This fashion-forward fuschia and red ensemble is opposite a grim post-apocalypse on the “future hellscapes in which I do not want to exist” pendulum. Instead of the bare remnants of humanity sporting tattered rags and hanging onto existence by mere threads, this outfit suggests peacocked bright colors with resulting spontaneous vomiting like, everywhere. Quinn: How are we this far into a fashion column and I have yet to see even the slightest impression of a boob? This isn’t fashion, this is backwards... opposite fashion. First of all, she should give the crappy, Targetbrand super hero goggles back to the poor child she stole them from. She should then give someone a bear hug, because the slightest increase in pressure will have her weird, snake-like body thrust out of this outfit like squeezing a Van Holten’s Pickle-In-A-Pouch.

Sheen queen

Quinn: This is from a scene in Zoolander 2, yes? Obviously this woman dug an old lampshade, sexy window shades, and ninja turtle wristbands out of the garbage then threw them on and said “this is something humans wear.” No, it’s not. Take a moment to seriously imagine this person walking into Starbucks. Would you think “This woman must be insanely rich and out of touch with everything,” or “It’s nice that woman overcame her agoraphobia, but it’s too bad she has to wear the decorations from her antiquated apartment?”

Brendan: This is what happens when you let your cataracted grandma make you an outfit out of old tablecloths she stole from a garage sale. And just when you thought she’d given up commenting on your fallow chest, she goes and makes the bust big enough to smuggle a couple pounds of weed through customs. Hey, granny needs her medicine.

pencils at the ready

Quinn: This outfit might actually work for your 250 pound aunt who lives in Ohio and eats four deviled eggs every morning... besides the semi-transparent crotch area. But this looks like a thirty-three-year-old man living in his parent’s basement got walked in on while having sex with his eBay-bought Russian sex doll, and had to throw the nearest tapestry over her to cover his shame.

Fierce and Flourescent

Brendan: Congratulations on playing the evil chocolate baroness intent on ravaging the Candy Cane Forest so it can be harvested for sugar deposits to feed your company’s insatiable lust for money in this summer’s surefire blockbuster, Sweet Revenge. Quinn: There’s a lot of leather going on here, which I like. And they’re employing the classic fashion equation: leather + zippers = sex appeal. Being a big fan of sleeve-zippers, sewn-on flowers, and leather sports bras, I give this outfit three thumbs up. The third thumb is my erection.

Bomber Redux Brendan: Imagine wearing this out, then having to take it off in order to have sex. “Okay, so I zip this halfway down, then pull this other thing over my head, then this undershirt has clasps in the back and – hey Mitch, if you want to get laid then you’ll help me with this – and okay, this skirt doesn’t actually have a zipper so I’ll need some scissors. These boots, I mean can I just leave them on during sex? Yes, I know you just got these sheets and these boots are pretty dirty but... okay, fine. Can we just fuck on the ground or something?” Quinn: I’ve seen this movie. It’s the porn that takes place in a futuristic hospital, where all the patients have severe swelling and the nurses know “exactly how to take care of them.” And since they live in a future world where sex is banned, the only way to relieve their swelling is by going to these white, sterile hospitals where emotionless nurses hand out tugjobs in the waiting room. Sometimes they run into a severe case and have to unzip their bleach-white scrubs to show some cleav. Yeah, it’s a good one... be right back.

Quinn: FINALLY a fashion trend that I get. This is a perfect get-up for school, work, play, a day at the beach, a day on the couch, or your first date. You’ve got the collared shirt that says “Look I’m trying here,” and the ironic sweatshirt that says “Not too fast, I can still have fun!” Untuck the collared shirt because you don’t want to seem too uptight, throw on some throwback dance recital pants from sixth grade to show your youthful indiscretion, and finally, put on two different socks, because who has time to find clean matching socks these days! This outfit says “I’ve got a lot of weed to smoke and documentaries to watch today, so I can’t be bothered with having to put in the mental labor of picking out clean clothes.” Perfect.

90s Nostalgia

Brendan: This summer it’s finally cool to dress like the lonely 40-year-old unemployed stoner who meanders down the beach offering to buy underage kids beer if they’ll just hang out with him for “like, a minute, man.” This, of course, is a huge relief to said stoner, as he can’t really afford to buy any new clothes, and with these hip trends, narcs will have a harder time “like, abusing [his] civil rights” on the beach, when they arrest him for smoking pot on public property.

White out

Brendan: Whatever a chameleon is, this outfit is the opposite of it. Loud, garish, an affront to basic taste, any person walking down the street wearing something like this deserves to be eaten by whatever large bird or snake decides to dine on this very loud attention whore.

Sexy 60s

Brendan: After a rough break-up with Zed, her boyfriend of three years, Jacqueline decided a night out with the girls was in order. Thing is, she hadn’t felt sexy since Zed noted one of her nostrils was slightly larger than the other, so she tossed on whatever baggy clothes she had laying around and a sequined dress that she was sure no man would love. As she walked to meet her friends at the ironic gay bar, “Exit Only,” she entered what she thought was the front door. Instead, she stumbled into the staging area of a fashion show and onto the catwalk to the raucous applause of all in attendance. She committed suicide later that night.

Quinn: I like that they’ve re-imagined the fireballs from Super Mario Bros. onto the pants and blouse. I also like that the pants look like they have the word “poop” scattered throughout; judging by the happy-go-lucky demeanor of this model, it looks like she would never fail to pull a “I’ve got poop on my pants!” joke. This outfit is hilarious, and perfect for your funny friend in the group who always gets too drunk and poops her pants at the bar.

Bermuda Triangle

Quinn: If you know as much about fashion as we do, you know that the more colors, patterns, and fabrics you can cram onto a single piece of clothing, the higher the fashion. Poor people who know nothing wear solid colors and single layers. Rich people who live ahead of the curve wear layers upon layers of every pattern under the sun. The more fashion trends you cover in a single outfit, the more cultured you are. On this outfit I count five different patterns, not including her underwear which is surely polka-dotted or see-through. This outfit screams culture, and you’d be a fool to not wear it everywhere all the time.

Brendan: No! Save me! I’ve been wrongly convicted of wearing white pants after Labor Day! In fashion prison they make us wear playfully large buttons and vertical stripes because even here we have to look oh-so chic lest we do time in solitary confinement, a room with purple and green walls-those colors don’t even match! THEY DON’T EVEN MATCH! Quinn: What are fashion shows supposed to do? Show what fashion will be like in 250 years in an alternate universe? “This is what the Gorgons will have all the candy-making slaves wear. It is designed by the great leader Mork’s third birthing pod, and calls back to the 18th centuron when birthing pods worked less and birthed more. The times were simpler then, and the stripes remind the candy slaves of their status in society.”

candy stripers

The Black Sheep's guide to summer 2013 fashion

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The seek n find

the crossword

Across 2) Creepy ass dude who was kind of funny, mostly creepy, for this burger joint. 5) Duke always wants to tell the owner’s secret recipe. 7) He doesn’t always drink beer, but when he does... 8) Brightly colored chicks dancing around about this soda 10) Yo quiero this, especially at 2 a.m. 11) AFLAC insurance mascot. 12) This super cool dude made cig’s look super cool. 16) This cheetah is Cheetos. 20) He keeps going and going and

going for this company. 21) Cocoa and Fruity Pebbles enlisted the help of this entire cartoon. 22) Hip-hop hamsters still don’t this car company cool. 23) He’s grrreat! 24) I like chicken, I like liver... Down 1) Classiest legume in a top hat and cane. 3) Colonel Sanders is both founder and mascot. 4) This cute amphibian made this insurance company known. 5) Burping frogs were the face of this beer company for awhile. 6) Coors Light used this type of siblings. 9) Acted by Dean Winters, Allstate will save you from this. 13) Your cute black Grandma, also vaguely racist. 14) Creepy clown for a huge fast food restaurant. 15) Can you hear me now? 17) Fabulous! 18) Dude, you had this circa early 2000s. 19) The Man Your Man Could Smell Like.

six degrees

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