Illinois - Issue 16 - 5/8/2013 by The Black Sheep

The Black Sheep's

Fun and games issue

keep up all summer @BlackSheep_UIUC

CONGRATS GRADS PARTY AT KAM’S ONE LAST TIME! Wednesday

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contents

Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com

page 6

page 5: UGL Special Task Force Pushed to Their Limits You don't want to fuck with these guys.

page 6: The Black Sheep's Guide to Internships Whatever you do, don't fart.

page 7: Are You Smarter Than?

Katrina Olson, the coolest advertising professor

page 8: The Quiz: What Famous Alumnus Are You? The ultimate personality test.

page 9

page 9: What You'll Miss Over the Summer The Red Lion, of course.

page 9: The Top 10: Ways to Leave Your Mark on Campus

Instead of just getting stupid drunk after graduation.

page 10: Tanning Girl Turns Into Raisin

Table of

It's ok though, she was a bitch.

page 16: Bartenders of the Week

Betsy and Matt wrap up a year of gettin' rowdy.

page 17: Booze of the Week: UV Chocolate Cake It's time we stopped hating on flavored vodka.

page 18: Faking Your Graduation

Instead of admitting to your parents you failed miserably.

page 24: The Madlib

The ride back home with mom and dad.

page 18

Meet The Staff Managing Editor Mike Benson copy Editor Katelyn Lilly Advertising Manager Jackie Breen distribution Managers Patrick Rafferty & Mitch Heiar Contributing Writers David Rubin, Rebecca Jacobs Molly Forrest, Kimberly Gleeson Sean Neumann, Max Russell John McCombs, Ryan Rudolf Austin Gomez, Scott Gantner Sam Caravette

Find Us At...

pr manageRs Abbie Welsch | Chloe Micek Colin Lateano photographer Graca Haka campus director Brendan Bonham owner Atish Doshi Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com Advertising?

ads@theblacksheeponline.com 217-390-1747

Disclaimer

The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

Owned & Operated By: Black Card Media, LLC P.O. Box 221385 Chicago, IL 60622 217.390.1747

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Four

Pic

of the

Week!

Dear Mike, Well, here we are. Another year under our belts. We shared a few laughs; we shared a few cries. We fought and we loved; we learned and we drank. So, Mike, what did you learn this year? Sincerely, Some guy Hey dude, Well, the first thing I learned is that almost everybody who sends me “Letter to the Editor” questions writes in a style that is almost completely identical to mine. I have no idea what this means, or what its societal implications are, but it is just interesting. Beyond that, I think everybody on The Black Sheep staff learned that handing out papers on the Quad is just as irritating for the giver than for the receiver. If you were walking to class and came upon a group of hysterical people handing out satire newspapers this year, I apologize. I hope you recycled it into the nearest bin marked “Paper.” I also learned that Suburban Express bus drivers laugh in the face of death like George Clooney careening his fishing boat into an oncoming tsunami. If you were wondering how long it takes to drive a bus down I-57 in a foot and a half of snow, the answer is just under three hours. I would love to say that I learned some deep moral character lessons this year. “My dear readers, this year I found the heart, brains, and courage I had been looking for, and I realized that the true magic and wonder in the world lies with the friends we make, and not in mythical beings like the stories we read in fairy tales.” No, I mostly just got drunk a lot. Love, Mike

Sexy Anagrams

Face-planting into a pile of plaster is one way to leave your mark. (Want to become famous next week?) Send us your pic of the week at pics@theblacksheeponline.com

word of the week Tan Toke Up

Do you know who these celebrity hotties are? Send your answers to anagrams@theblacksheeponline.com First five right answers get a prize!

Crap Thirst last week’s answers

Allison Williams & Dane Cook

Whoronation:

The first time a woman is called a derogatory name by a male because she would not put out. “Lindsey received her whoronation when Seth called her a skank for not giving him head in the bar bathroom.”

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the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android

UGL Special Task Force Pushed to their Limits Benny Boy wrote this The UGL Special Task Force, a covert ops unit specializing in keeping lids on drinks and feet off tables, has reported that they have been experiencing one of the most stressful and costly weeks in their history. Members of the UGLSTF can usually be seen sauntering around the UGL, keeping law and order by shushing people who become too unruly and directing people to the location of the student help desk.

chalantly talking on their phones and tipping their chairs as if there was no sense in the universe anymore. For many UGL workers, this kind of disorder is almost too much to bear. The brave few who decide to walk the beat these final weeks of the semester experience some of the most dangerous and emotionally disturbing situations of their entire career. For many, the abuse leads them to their tipping point.

“Sure, it’s not as glamorous as the movies make it out to be,” Brett P. says as he walks the beat around the top floor of the student library, "But somebody’s got to keep these little turds in line.” Brett is one of the leading members of the force and holds the all-time record of open container drink re-liddings. “Hey you, put that lid back on there,” Brett instructs a young Korean girl working in the computer lab. “Oh, I see you’ve finished your bubble tea already. You got lucky this time. Next time you’ll be taking a trip to the trash.”

Reports have gotten out that many of the UGL Special Task Force workers had to be removed from the position due to health concerns. Reports state that many experienced difficulty sleeping after nights on the job, and even more complained of experiencing constant flashbacks of their time spent in the UGL.

However, due to the hectic finals schedule plaguing the student body these past couple weeks, the task force has not been prepared for the increased onslaught of hooliganism at the Undergrad Library. “I’m only one man,” Brett says in a raspy voice as he lights a cigarette, “and the enemy doesn’t sleep.” All throughout the UGL, students have been non-

In order to get a sense if these stories were true or not, The Black Sheep got in touch with the force to see if we could visit with some of their mentally troubled officers. After trudging through miles of red tape, we were eventually granted an interview. We were told to go to a remote room inside the Main Library. When we entered, we were thoroughly frisked and had our phones and drinks taken from us. One of our writers had a lid on his drink, so she was okay. Upon entering a second room, we saw a sole figure perched on the windowsill, gazing below onto the UGL with a ciga-

to plant his keister down on the ground or, goddammit, there was gonna be hell to pay. He didn’t respond. I walked around to the other side of the table to look him right in the eye. I saw the devil in those eyes, or maybe it was my own reflection. It’s hard to tell them apart these days. I asked him again to plant that fucking keister down or I was gonna alert student services. That was when he looked at me, reached down, and removed a Mountain Dew Code Red. Before I could respond the drink was opened, and he began pouring it over the table.

rette dangling from his mouth and a thousand-yard stare in his eyes. When we asked him his name, he didn’t respond. However, when we asked what had happened to him, he turned to us and gave us his story. “It was May 2, 2013. Reading Day at 0200 hours. The night shift. Me and my men were stationed at the northeast corner of the building. We knew it was gonna be a rough ride. As I began walking my beat I had a feeling something was gonna go wrong. I quickly saw a young blonde girl resting her feet on a chair. Not in my library, bitch. This was followed by a couple frat dudes with open coffees. I threw those coffees out and felt nothing. Absolutely nothing inside. It was then that I saw this bro — this real hotshot — leaning his chair back while talking on the phone. I was terrified.

“I saw the red liquid soak into the oak, staining it, mutilating it. I removed my shirt to try and soak it up, but there was too much. There was just too much soda. I wept that night like a little girl not asked to the debutante’s ball. Tell the outside my story, please,” he begged. “That is, if they could ever believe it.”

“I approached the young man and told him firmly

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theblacksheeponline.com

The Black Sheep’s Guide to Internships Scotty G. wrote this Internships are scary. Everyone says they’re the best way to get a full time job after graduation, but there’s a lot of stress that goes along with showing up to a brand new place on your own. You don’t know anyone, they’re all 30 years older than you, and compared to school, there are 98% fewer scantily-clad, plastered girls running around. But don’t worry! With a little help from your friends at The Black Sheep you’ll get by just fine. There are a few key circumstances that you’ll have to master in order to make the most out of your internship ... and avoid getting fired/sued/ arrested. Meeting Your Boss Do: Keep it simple. Remember what your parents told you as a kid: Stand up straight, look them in the eye, and firmly shake their hand. If your boss happens to be a female (hahaha, yeah right) make sure you don’t gaze at her cleavage. In the words of Jerry Seinfeld, “Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it; it's too risky. You get a sense of it then you look away.” Don’t: Vomit. The worst intro you could possibly make is obtained by projectile vomiting on the guy who decides what time you get to go home. Toss Up: Insult him. This could go two ways. Either he’s offended that the new kid had the balls to tell him he looked like a chubby Chris Farley, or he’s impressed that the new kid had the balls to tell him he looked like a chubby Chris Farley. Try to get a sense of his humor first, though. June 1st Do: Flirt. Let’s face it: Becky has been eyeing you since day one. Stop pretending that she keeps walking over to your cubicle just to give you updates on the Franklin account. She has email and knows

how to use it. She likes you! If you’re feeling nervous or unsure, re-watch season one of The Office and take on the persona of Jim Halpert. Or at the very least, become Dwight. Even he would have the bravery to say “Hi” in the break room. Don’t: Fart. You’ve been working in the same place with the same people for a few weeks by now, and you might feel comfortable enough to let one rip. You shouldn’t. One stinky squeaker can turn you into the whipping boy of the office. Get ready for people to start calling you Expelli-Anus because you let out a Death Heater, even if you claim to be He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Blamed. June 25th Don’t: Celebrate Half Christmas. Your elderly coworkers don’t watch Workaholics. If you show up wearing an ugly sweater, and drinking a whiskey Coke out of your coffee mug while singing “Frosty The Broman,” you’re gonna get crucified (Too soon? Sorry, Jesus). Also, still don’t fart. Seriously. Do: Spend the majority of the day subtly referencing Christmas. “I don’t think we should agree to those terms. Look at clause 17-b! It seems like they’re dearly trying to rein in regulation. Jesus, they must think it’s their birthday, because they’re just asking for a gift! Christmas!” Or something like that.

be coming back next year. You don’t want to cut all ties with your fellow employees. Except for Becky. Let’s face it, you guys had your time. It’s over.

Toss Up: Invite Becky to your place. It’s totally gonna happen. Did you see the way she double-checked your spreadsheet? She wants it.

Do: Thank everyone for the opportunity to work with them, especially Frank for showing you how to sneak out the side door at 4:45 p.m. Also, take a poop in a rarely visited corner of the office. And yes, you can go ahead and fart now.

Saying Goodbye Don’t: Burn bridges. Who knows if anyone else is going to offer you a job next summer. As fun as it might be to flip everyone the bird and demolish the copy machine Office Space-style, you could

If your internship is unpaid (which it probably is), these rules could be a little flexible because fuck them, right? But if this is somewhere you could end up working some day, or a place where you actually like the people, don’t feel too bad about kissing some serious ass.

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page 7

the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android

are you smarter than?

Katrina Olson, Advertising Professor 1) Science: In aeronautics, wings are designed to give planes this, allowing them to fly. __________________________________________________

6) TV: In HBO's Game of Thrones the Lannister family is represented by what animal? __________________________________________________

2) Fashion: What women's footwear takes its name from a hand-to-hand combat weapon? __________________________________________________

7) Cars: A vehicle with a manual transmission has three pedals a driver can use. One is the accelerator, one is the brake. What is the third pedal called? __________________________________________________

3) Geography: The Ural Mountains in this country are often cited as the point at which Europe becomes Asia. __________________________________________________ 4) Spelling: "Zeitgeist" roughly means, "the spirit of the times." Spell it. __________________________________________________ 5) Nerds: What does the "LARP" in LARPing stand for? __________________________________________________

correct answers

8) ) Food: In American cuisine what part of the pig is bacon most often cut from? __________________________________________________ 9) Math: What is 4 x 12 / 8 - 32 + 14? __________________________________________________

Katrina's answers 1) Lift 2) Pumps 3) Iran 4) Z-e-i-t-g-e-i-s-t 5) Not a clue

10) Literature: In The Catcher in the Rye what insult does Holden Caulfield attach to people he dislikes or distrusts? __________________________________________________

1) Lift 2) Stiletto heel 3) Russia 4) Z-e-i-t-g-e-i-s-t 5) Live-Action Role-Playing 6) Lion 7) Clutch 8) The belly 9) -12 10) "Phony"

6) Tiger 7) Clutch 8) Butt 9) -12 10) "Skanks"

Katrina's score: 4/10 correct

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page 8

the Quiz

theblacksheeponline.com

What Famous U of I Alumnus Are You? By: Sammie Sea

1) Your parents just bought you a new car as a graduation present. What is it? a. Why would I need a car? A top-notch limousine is a standard for my various chauffeurs. b. Just a 1978 Alfa Romeo. What I would really love is my dad’s red 1961 Ferrari GT California. c. I drive a Buick Park Avenue. Always have, always will.

5) What are you planning on doing for your birthday this year? a. I hate birthdays. I do not choose to celebrate them nor tell people when it is my birthday. b. We’ll be having a full-blown party complete with naked girls in body paint, bunny ears, and stripper poles. c. My friends will have to drag me out of the house to do anything. I’d rather stay in.

2) Last night at KAM’S, you picked up some sweet tail and ended up having a one-night stand. How do you feel this morning? a. Horrible. Distraught with regret. My father will kill me if he ever finds out. b. Which one-night stand? I’ve had so many it’s honestly hard for me to keep track. Or stay hard, for that matter. c. As long as it wasn’t with my whore of an ex-wife, I would feel absolutely nothing.

6) What is your drink of choice? a. Any brand whiskey. Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets. b. How about a nice sex on the beach? c. Drinking? Ha! If my old man found out he’d kill me. Remember how crazy he got when I broke my retainer?

3) If you could have anything to eat right now, what would it be? a. Bacon. Bacon and eggs. Always. b. I’m way too nervous to eat at the moment. c. The food that I crave has a nice “purr” to it, if you know what I mean. 4) What’s your go-to outfit in the morning? a. I rarely change my clothes. A bathrobe is a suitable ensemble for any time of day. b. Just my Detroit Red Wings jersey and a pair of khaki pants. c. Depends. If I just had sex, I will be sporting my red shirt—Tiger Woods style.

7) How would your friends describe you? a. A friend once told me that I am wound so tight that if you stuck a lump of coal up my ass, in two weeks you'd have a diamond. b. I’m a “no nonsense” individual. A man’s man. c. Depends on what you mean by “friend.” To me, everyone is merely a business associate. 8) What do you like to do in your free time? a. Lounge around, marry women 60 years my junior, count my money. b. I’m perfectly content with my life in the suburbs. I just wish my friends would stop making me go on crazy adventures. c. Fishing. It’s like yoga except I still get to kill something.

answers answers answers answers answers 1) A-3 B-1 C-2 • 2) A-1 B-3 C-2 • 3) A-2 B-1 C-3 • 4) A-3 B-1 C-2 • 5) A-2 B-3 C-1 • 6) A-2 B-3 C-1 • 7) A-1 B-2 C-3 • 8) A-3 B-1 C-2

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8-13: Alan Ruck A.K.A Cameron Frye: Honestly, we don’t really know what actor Alan Ruck is like in real life, but if you’re anything like his character in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, well then we feel sorry for you. You tend to be worrisome about most things and can never let loose, even when you’re with your friends. Our advice? Take a few shots and chill the hell out before your roommate kills you. 9-16: Nick Offerman A.K.A Ron Swanson: The manliest of all men. Or maybe you’re just a capitalism freak. Either way, you’ve got Ron Swanson written all over you. Your casual demeanor is part of your charm, but watch out, there’s always that one person who can drive you crazy. A certain ex, perhaps? That’s when you get a little scary to be around. 17-24: Hugh Hefner: Congratulations, friend! You made it to the big leagues. In fact, you made it to the big mansion. You have enough sexual know-how to run the Playboy Mansion no matter how wrinkly your junk gets. Girls will still swoon at the sight of your sagging balls just as soon as they spy your piles of cash.

the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android

The

Top 10

page 9

Ways to Leave Your Mark on Campus

Even if your life spirals down into an abyss of loathing and sadness as soon as you leave U of I, you can still leave a legacy at the place you've called home for four years. The tactics have to be drastic, but it’ll be worth it. Here are ten ways to leave your mark on campustown. 10.) Streak on the Quad: To maximize this plan’s potential, you need to do this during the passing period of a final or at least on a bright, sunny day. That way, hundreds of stressed out students on the Quad could have a moment of amusement as they watch you flap your testicles in the warm summer wind. 9.) Take a Shit in the Bathroom at Joe’s: To deter anyone from attempting to make the Joe’s bathroom smell any worse than it already does, management has removed the door to the stall of the men’s bathroom. But screw it, you’re graduating. Run in there, drop your trousers, and pinch a loaf while giving potential pissers a big high five. 8.) Call Out Your Professor on the Day of the Final: Each senior has that one professor that berated them through their last semester of senioritis. You won’t see them again, what with your high-paying job as a professor of the custodial arts, so feel free to confide in them that they are your personal, collegiate Hitler, loudly as you walk out of your final.

What You’ll Miss Over the Summer

7.) Piss in the Pool at the ARC: After many months of unpredictable weather, the temperature outside is finally reaching the eighties. As one can expect, the outdoor pool at the ARC is seeing some crazy numbers right now. This suggestion is more of a personal experience, because while no one may notice that you’re pissing beside some sexy sorority girls, you’ll be able to enjoy the fact that their swimming amongst your own golden gift. 6.) Get in a Crime Alert: Now, we don’t want you becoming a reckless vigilante on campus at 3 a.m., but there are other ways to get in those Crime Alerts emails. Grab a buddy of yours, beat the hell out of him, and have him call the cops. As a bonus, have him describe you as wearing full camo make-up, so you’ll get a little bit extra attention from students on campus.

mad max wrote this

Finals are wrapping up and summer is approaching. Your old-turned-new roommates Mom and Dad won’t be as accommodating as your frat buddies when it comes to liberal marijuana use, and Mom’s idea of a wake n’ bake means you’ll be making your family breakfast at sunrise. No, it may be summer time, but the livin’ isn’t exactly easy with the folks for a multitude of reasons highlighted by these sad few: No More Easy Hookups at The Red Lion: You’re older, and your game has improved since you first babbled your way through campus those two virginal freshman semesters. While it’d be nice to take these skills back home to those you hit on in high school, there just won’t be a place as suitable for picking up a sexual buddy... or three... like the Red Lion dance floor. Dollar drinks on Monday is the quickest way to get someone in the mood or just to lower their inhibitions enough to consider you a worthwhile pity lay. In the final week before going home, go out and show the nineteen-year-old members of the opposite sex some generosity when it comes to getting drinks. They may even repay you after the bar closes with a few moans and a mispronounced name. No Friend Gets Left Behind to Drive: In Champaign the distance between your apartment and every bar is closed by a short walk or a brief stint on the 22 North. While those returning to big cities still have these luxuries at their disposal, those from suburbia and spread-out farmlands will need to force one of their friends to be a designated driver for the night. It’s a necessary precaution, since hauling cases of Keystone over several manicured lawns is a little more suspicious in your hometown. Then there is

the “not dying in a fiery crash” part. If you have a sober friend, ask yourself if you want to die or spend the night in jail, then put those thoughts to the back of your mind as you give Sober Steve your keys. There’s no walking home through acres of cornfields, so someone is going to have to bite the bullet and chauffeur your drunken ass home. No More Late Night Food (Shout Out to Second Story): The most beautiful hour on campus is 10:00 a.m, as those people doing a walk of shame (or a stride of pride) make their way through campus. The next best hour is the snacking hour, right after bars close as people find cheap and greasy food throughout campus. Green Street is a haven for this, providing all of your favorite food within one block. If your hometown has this much diversity within such a small area, then you’re in a mall and you chose a weird place to get drunk. For those trying to make it home when those hunger pangs start hitting, there is a little outlet the young have nicknamed “Second Story.” Off Green Street, this food establishment is perfectly located between the bars and freshman dorms. And it’s always open late—other than when they shut down for the homemade health violations that make the pizza so tasty. Home cooked za simply doesn’t have the same allure as someone cheaply making it for you. Sure the food at home is free, but operating an oven in your inebriated state will end poorly. Very poorly. It’s why I’m no longer allowed to use an oven at my childhood home. Because there’s no childhood home. It’s all ash and sadness. Unfortunately, there’s no better place in the world than Champaign-Urbana. Not even Disney World, and that’s saying a lot. In your few remaining days, live it up, because you’re going to be missing this place quickly, and there will be no going back. Ever.

5.) [Insert Illicit Activity Here] on the Alma Mater Slab: Many people are disappointed that graduating seniors aren’t going to be able to take pictures with the Alma Mater this year, but it actually opens up fantastic opportunities to leave your mark on campus. Think of literally any possible thing to do that your mother would be ashamed of, if you’re doing it right she’ll rescind her graduation gift. 4.) Play the Bells in Altgeld: We’ve heard the same chime every single day for four years. To really make your mark, run up to the top of Altgeld, tie up sad sack Quasimodo up there, and play something that’s worth listening to. Make some students happy with something popular, but if you have the arm strength, choose something out of Deadmau5’s music library. 3.) Have Sex in the Morrow Plots: It may be the second oldest experimental cornfield in the world, but that shouldn’t stop you from soiling it with a seed of your very own. And if this perfectly executed pun isn’t enough to convince you to do it, then nothing will. 2.) Moon the Audience at Convocation: Most people don’t want to attend the campus-wide graduation ceremony because it will be long and boring, but this is your opportunity to get as much attention as possible in front of an audience of your peers and their families. Nothing says “what an asshole” more than staring into someone’s asshole. 1.) Be Campus’ First “Poop Guy”: If you really want to go the extra mile, chow down as much Chipotle as you possibly can just before you start drinking. Pound shot after shot and as much beer as possible. Then hobble over to Red Lion, pass out at the front door, and let campus hear your battle cry as you unleash hell all over Third Street.

Thatcher Ellington wrote this

page 10

theblacksheeponline.com

Tanning Girl Turns Into Raisin Jupiter Stevens wrote this After a scorching, 86-degree Friday afternoon, freshman Tina Thomas has finally shriveled up into a real life raisin. Thomas, 19 years old, was an advocate of sun tanning, her friends told The Black Sheep. They said when the weather got unexpectedly warmer, there was no chance of luring her away from the outdoor pool at the ARC. "I just couldn't get her to stop laying there, tanning," one friend said, crying. "I mean, I could literally see her drying up like an old piece of fruit." Friends said that Thomas spent most of her summer in tanning beds, a haven for the young girl. Thomas once refused to exit the tanning salon for two consecutive days, in fear that she may "turn into one of the ugly girls." But it was the real sun that finally sucked the remaining life out of the 19-year-old's body. "At least she didn't have to worry about the sun taking her personality," a classmate said. "That dried up a long time ago." Thomas wasn't a favorite among her class-

mates in college, according to her peers. "She was always talking shit about everyone around her, making fun of the red-headed girls who were naturally pasty," one student said. "She sucked. She was literally one of the worst people I have ever met." Thomas reportedly once answered the question "What is the square root of eighty-eight?" by saying, "I don't know, but that bitch in the corner totally needs a pedi. I mean, come on. Those feet are tragic." Her liquid-deprived body began to flake away before campus police could arrive on scene. It was reported that Thomas had been laying out at the ARC pool since an early 7 a.m., even before the sun was at its highest and most effective tanning point. Around noon, pool patrons noticed a burning smell compared to “a melting rubber skank” coming from Thomas’ body on the pool deck. The police and paramedics were finally contacted around 2 p.m. when onlookers noticed Thomas’ skin shriveling and becoming progressively more brown and wrinkly. Her body was nothing but ash when the help arrived.

"It's a shame we couldn't get there in time, before the wind blew the rest of her paper-like skin away," one officer told reporters. "Imagine that Instagram pic." Besides the smell, described by one passerby as “ratchet,” close friends said that they first noticed Thomas was out in the sun for too long when steam began to rise from her frizzy hair. "She literally smelled like burgers," a bystander said. "Like, seriously. She smelled like a fucking patty of meat. And then there was her hair. I mean, I know it’s like, humid out and sometimes you can’t stop frizz, but her head

was literally smoking. She was like a chimney or something weird." The smell and hair smoke were tragically mistaken for a nearby cookout at a frat. "I mean, I'd eat her burnt," one frat guy said, laughing and high fiving his buddies. Thomas was the first girl of the summer to pass away from what doctors call "too much sun." "I mean, it's a giant ball of fire," one doctor said. "It will turn you into a little raisin if you don’t take the necessary precautions. But from what I hear, this Thomas girl was a real bitch. So it serves her right.”

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THURSDAY 5/9

$1 Wells, $2 SoCo Lime Shots, $2.50 SoCo, Jack Daniels & Tuaca Mixers, $3 Long Islands, $4 Domestic Pitchers $2.50 Bud Light Bottles, $2.75 Landshark and Bud Light Lime Bottles, $2.50 1800 Tequila

SARAH & THE TALLBOYS and FALLDOWN

$1 WELLS $2 Red Bull Vodka's $3 Everything Else in the House!

DJ Delayney, 10pm, FREE! $2 Domestics, $2 Wells

FRIDAY 5/10

$1 Cherry & O Bombs, $2 Jäger Bombs, $2 Wells, $3 Three Olives Vodka Mixers, $3 Signature Shots, $7 Domestic Pitchers $2.50 Bud Light Bottles, $2.75 Landshark and Bud Light Lime Bottles, $2.50 1800 Tequila

FEAST BY FIRE, EMINENT SLAUGHTER, REDNECK REMEDY and IN THE NAME OF SUFFERING

Happy Hour Food Specials Open at 5pm! $3 PIZZAS - $3 NACHOS $5 Bud Light Lime-A-Rita Pitchers $3 Bud Light 24oz Tallboy Cans

DJ Kosmo, 10pm No Cover before 12am!

SATURDAY 5/11

$1 Cherry & O Bombs, $2 Jäger Bombs, $2 Wells, $3 Bacardi Mixers, $7 Domestic Pitchers, $2.50 Bud Light Bottles, $2.75 Landshark and Bud Light Lime Bottles, $2.50 1800 Tequila

DOUBLE A with BRIAN MONK and MICHAEL MEDALL

$3 Captain Morgan $3 Jim Beam $5 Patron Shots $3 Bud Light Bottles $3 Vegas Bombs

DJ Belly, 10pm No Cover before 12am! with Isaac Arms and Vader w/AMS

SUNDAY 5/12

Closed

CLOSED Have you bought your Summer Camp Music Festival tickets yet? www.summercampfestival.com

Book Your Next Party or Event Here! Contact our event planner at CochraneParty@Gmail.com or call 217-722-9000

Big Dave's Trivia Night FREE | 7:30PM! $1 Miller High Life Drafts | $2 Miller Lite Drafts | $2 Jameson Shots $5 Red Bull Vodkas | $5 Nacho

MONDAY 5/13

MASON JAR MONDAY! Pub Quiz Starting at 9PM! $3 Bud Light and Budweiser Drafts, $3 Double Wells, $3 Double Jack and Double Soco, $2.50 Bud Light Bottles, $2.75 Landshark and Bud Light Lime Bottles, $2.50 1800 Tequila

CLOSED Have you bought your Summer Camp Music Festival tickets yet? www.summercampfestival.com

$2 Wells

The patio opens when weather permits! Food from our kitchen coming soon! Book Your Private Party by calling us at 398-2688 or emailing info@cowboy-monkey.com

TUESDAY 5/14

CRAFT BEER NIGHT! $2 Wells, $2 Micro Drafts, $3 Import Drafts, $2 Shot of the Week, $2.50 Bud Light Bottles, $2.75 Landshark and Bud Light Lime Bottles, $2.50 1800 Tequila

THE PIANO MAN $2 Real Long Islands!

Wine Night $8 Bottles of WIne $2 Goose island 312 Bottles $2 Wells

Open Mic Night - Free! Sign-Up Starts at 9:30pm $1 Off All Drafts $3 Jameson Shots

WEDNESDAY 5/15

$0.15 Wings: 8pm Til They're Gone! $1.50 High Life Bottles, $2 Flavored Long Island, $2 Jager Bombs $2.50 Bud Light Bottles, $2.75 Landshark and Bud Light Lime Bottles, $2.50 1800 Tequila

OPEN DECKS $2 Red Bull Drinks No Cover!

$2 Two Gingers Irish Whiskey $2 Pinnacle Vodka $2 Bud Light Bottles

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

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Green Street Café 35 E. Green Street Firehaus is proud to be an Official Blackhawks Bar! Red Beer on Tap for Every Hawks Playoff Game!

FRIDAY: $3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy’s Open Mic Wednesdays, Special Night Come Play! $5.50 Jager Bombs Happy Hour $1 off all Appetizers and ½ off all Hookah’s (at GSC2) from 6-8 every day. $7.95 Fish Sandwich Free pool during happy hour!!! 35 E. Green Street

WEDNESDAY 5/8

Bicycle and Scooter Storage Convenient Grocery Store Tanning

KARAOKE at 10PM! Win Prizes! $1 SHOTS, $2 UV Vodka, $2 Sailor Jerry! Bud Mug Night! Get the Brand New 23oz Glass! NBA Playoffs - Game 2: BULLS vs HEAT 6pm

Open Mic Night! Wednesday Great specials, OPEN MIC Night Come play music $2.50 Corona for your friends! $2.50 Jager Bombs

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken

THURSDAY! Il Cattivo w/ Lark's Tounge Doors at 8:30pm, $7

DID YOU KNOW? Studying in the Beer Garden Increases Your Test Scores by One Letter Grade?

Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!

Decided Finals Aren't for You? Cool, Come Hang in the Beer Garden.

$3 Strong Islands

THURSDAY 5/9

GRAD BASH!! A Night for the Seniors! Tons of Giveaways! $5 Lime-A-Rita Pitchers HAWKS vs WILD - Game 5

$2 Domestic Bottles $4 ICB’s $3 Imports and Specialty Beers $3 Cherry Bombs $4 Pitchers of Bud and Coors Light

$3.50 White Russians $3 Any Draft $7.50 Italian Beef

Il Cattivo w/ Lark's Tounge Doors at 8:30pm, $7

Done w/ Finals? Good. Jager Bombs, Gatorades and 1/2 Price Burgers in the Beer Garden HAWKS vs WILD - Game 5

FRIDAY 5/10

NBA Playoffs - Game 3 BULLS vs HEAT $5 Bud Light 40's $3.99 Haus Fries

$1 Off All Bourbons $2 Miller Bottles $3 Jager Bombs $3 All Octoberfest Beers $4 Strong Islands

$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy’s $5.50 Jager Bombs $7.95 Fish Sandwich

DJ Delayney @ 11pm $4 Double Wells Free Entry before 10:30 w/ Student ID

Come enjoy the beer garden and watch Bulls vs Heat 6pm

SATURDAY 5/11

GRAD PARTY!! Special Firehaus Glass Night! Take home a Souvenir 23oz Glass! Blackhawks vs Wild (if needed)

$1 Off All Bourbons $2 Miller Bottles $3 Jager Bombs $3 All Octoberfest Beers $4 Strong Islands

Catch all the MLB, NHL and NBA Action at Guido's!

DJs and Dancing Spend your Saturday night at Highdive!

SUNDAY 5/12

$2 Anything in the House! Watch the NHL & NBA Playoffs All Day!

$2 Drafts $3 All Dr’s $4 Oh Yeah’s

$3 Vodka Red Bulls $5 Coors Light & Miller Light Pitchers $5 Nachos

80s Night Has Moved to Cowboy Monkey!

Sunday Funday! 25% Off Apps Check Out Joe's Bucket List! 5 for $11

MONDAY 5/13

$2 Bud Light Drafts, $2 Long Islands, $3 Craft/Import Beer NBA Playoffs - Game 4 Bulls vs Heat 7pm

$2 Coors and Miller Light Pints $3 Cherry bombs $3 Vodka RB $4 Double Vodka RB

$3 Jameson $2 Coors Light and Miller Light Draft 1/2 Off Apps (After 5pm) $7.50 BBQ Pork Sandwich

Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gmail.com

MNJ: $2 Blue Kamikazes $2 Bud Platinums Bulls vs Heat 7pm

TUESDAY 5/14

$5 Red Bud Light Pitchers, Half Price Sharkbowls, $2.99 Cheeseburgers 4-9pm

Karaoke Night $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Marky Bombs $4 Strong Islands

$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells $7.50 Roast Beef and Cheddar Melt

Book a Party or Special Event! Contact us at 217-356-2337 or highdive.gm@gamil.com

Tequila Tuesday! $2 Blue Moons Artist of the Week: Bell Biv Devoe

WEDNESDAY 5/15

KARAOKE at 10PM! Win Prizes! $1 SHOTS, $2 UV Vodka, $2 Sailor Jerry Bud Mug Night! Get the Brand New 23oz Glass!

Open Mic Night! Great specials, Come play music for your friends!

Old School Night! $4 Long Islands $2 Miller Lite 19+ to Enter, No Cover!

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken

Celebrate Graduation in the Beer Garden and on the Poles!

Blackhawks vs Wild (if needed)

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The BarGrid Page 3 of 3

DOWNTOWN

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FRIDAY & SATURDAY: $10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

FRIDAY! Open at 3PM! Party w/ DJ Dash Bulls at 7PM $2.50 Captain Drinks $3 24oz Cans

BIG FRIDAY! $4.50 32oz Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms

come get your bud and bud light bulls/hawks logo glasses during the playoffs!

SATURDAY: GRAD BASH! A Night for the Grads! Frat Potion Night $3 Bacardi $3 Bacardi Bombs

SPECIAL NIGHT

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

Open at 3PM Bud Night & All Request DJ $1.50 Bud & Bud Light Bottles $2.50 Bacardi Drinks Bulls at 6pm!

School of Beer $2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles

$5.50 Bacon Mega Cheeseburger $5.00 Hamm's Pitchers, $4.50 Wild Turkey & Black Beard Rum Doubles, $2.25 Orachata Shots $3.50 Jager Bombs!

OPEN At 5pm!! BEER GARDEN IS OPEN! Red Lion Madness Battles Finals! Come Support Your Favorite Bartender!

WED. 5/8

$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors

Open at 3PM Come watch the Hawks! $2 U Call Its All Day

$7.00 Killians, Shocktop, Lienenkugel's, Third Shift $2.50 Specialty Pints & Bottles $5.00 Magic Dragons No Cover!

SHACKER NIGHT! $2 UV Vodka, $2.50 Fireball Shots, $2.50 Bud Light Bottles, $3 Tullamore Dew Irish Whiskey

THURS. 5/9

BIG FRIDAY! $4.50 32oz Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms

$2.25 Miller Lite, Coors Lite, Budweiser, Bud Light Pints $5.00 Skyy Vodka & Wild Turkey Doubles $3.50 Jager Bombs

Open at 5pm $1 Fratty Natty Bottles $1 Burnetts Vodka $3 Vegas Bombs $3 Bud Light Bottles

FRI. 5/10

GRAD BASH! A Night for the Grads! Frat Potion Night $3 Bacardi $3 Bacardi Bombs

SAT. 5/11

Meme Glass Night! Challenge Accepted!

Collect Them All!

$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

Open at 3PM! Party w/ DJ Dash Bulls at 7PM $2.50 Captain Drinks $3 24oz Cans

$10 Large 2-Topping Pizzas after 10pm

Graduation Party! Open at Noon, $2.50 Captain Drinks, $2 16oz Lite Cans Watch the Hawks (maybe)!

Congratulations Graduates! NO COVER

$2.75 Murphy's Irish Stout $5.00 Magic Dragons & Jameson Doubles, $7.00 Miller Lite, Coors Lite, Budweiser, Bud Light Pitchers

$2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells $5 Personal Pizzas with 2 Toppings $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

Graduation Celebration! $2 U Call Its

Sunday Funday! $3 All Drafts

$4.00 Double Long Islands $4.50 Hamm's Pitchers $2.00 Orachata Shots $2.50 Specialty Pints & Bottles

Book your next Event or Party at the Red Lion! Contact our event planner at CochraneParty@gmail.com

SUN. 5/12

$1.50 High Life Drafts! $6.95 Steak-n-Cheese Grinders

Party at Kam's All Summer! $2 U Call Its Everyday 19+ Entry Returns Bulls! Hawks! Pool Tables!

"Beer Lovers Night" $2 All Domestics $3.25 All Imports

$5.50 Mega Cheeseburger $2.00 Blue Moon $4.00 Pinnacle Doubles Karaoke @ 10

Monday Night Lion $1 U CALL IT $2 Red Bull Vodka's $2 Captain Morgan $2 Bud Light Bottles

MON. 5/13

1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool All Day $1.50 Miller Lite and Miller High Life All Day! 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 8pm)

Party at Kam's All Summer! $2 U Call Its Everyday 19+ Entry Returns Bulls! Hawks! Pool Tables!

Ride the Rail $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Light, and Hamms Drafts $3.50 All Other Drafts

Country Night! $4.50 Hamm's Pitchers, $2 Jim Beam Mixers, Pinnacle Vodka Shots, $2 16oz PBR/ Schlitz/ Old Style - Tall Boys

HALF PRICE WHISKEY NIGHT $2.50 UV Bombs

TUES. 5/14

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

Party at Kam's All Summer! $2 U Call Its Everyday 19+ Entry Returns Bulls! Hawks! Pool Tables!

School of Beer $2 Domestic Bottles $3.50 Import Bottles

$5.50 Bacon Mega Cheeseburger $5.00 Hamm's Pitchers, $4.50 Wild Turkey & Black Beard Rum Doubles, $2.25 Orachata Shots $3.50 Jager Bombs!

PITCHER NIGHT! $3 Natty Light Pitchers $5 Well Pitchers Including UV Vodka, Evan Williams & Sailor Jerry

WED. 5/15

Congratulations to our graduating seniors! Dave

John

Colin

Ryan

max

page 16

bartenders of the week Bartender nickname: Spank Tower

Bartender nickname: QuickDraw McGraw

Favorite drink: Prairie fire

Favorite drink: Rooty Tooty Fresh and Pflumy

Relationship status: Taken

Relationship status: Frequently mixing business with pleasure.

Best pick-up line: “Are you constipated? ‘Cause you look like you need me to fuck the shit out of you.”

Best pick up line: “Have you ever seen a grown man naked?”

Favorite sex position: Every goddamn one.

Secret fetish: Beef curtains.

Where you see yourself in 10 years: Married to 2 Chainz.

Biggest turn-on: Immaculate grammar.

What you would do if you met Justin Bieber: Shave his head.

Biggest turn-off: A woman who speaks her mind. Favorite sex position: Piledriver flawlessly converted into a standing 69.

Sexiest quality in a man: Someone who can make me laugh.

Betsy

White Horse Inn

theblacksheeponline.com

Biggest turn-on: Big ol’ juicy booty. Biggest turn-off: A guy with an iPhone 4 and not a 5 … loser.

the drinking game:

Matt

Firehaus

MILF hunter or cradle robber: Where was your mom on Moms Weekend? Favorite Firehuas food to use during sex: The “Flashpoint Finger.”

recipe for disaster:

Boozin’ Basketball

Hangover Smoothie

It’s that special time of year, watching vertically gifted men playing with their balls: the NBA Playoffs. Watch more athletic men than yourselves break a sweat playing hard while you sit on your couch and form your beer gut.

There’s nothing worse than a summer hangover and waking up with candy cane tan lines after a day of laying out. Cure that hangover quick the next day with all the go-to foods combined into one delicious, lowcalorie, healthy smoothie. It’ll also help you work towards that summer bod you always talk about.

What You’ll Need: Hard booze and beer. Number of Players: At least two but try to wrangle up some more people. Level of Intoxication: Slam dunk drunk. How To Play: - Chug a beer to start the game. - Take a shot at the end of every quarter and shotgun a beer at halftime. - Do a beer bong every time someone gets a technical foul. - Drink for three seconds every time someone complains to the ref. - Chug half a beer every time someone flops to the ground, trying to draw a foul. - Take a swig of beer for every dunk. - Take a swig for every missed free throw. - Chug seconds for every point your team loses by. The Game Ends When: The game ends, duh.

download our app for all of our drinking games!

What You’ll Need: 1 cup of mozzarella cheese, 1/2 cup of ketchup, 1/2 cup of mayo, 3 pieces of pizza, 1/2 cup of mustard, 3 hamburger patties, 1/2 cup of nacho cheese, 5 mozzarella sticks, a box of macaroni and cheese, 7 chicken fingers (boneless, obvi), and one burrito. Cook Time: Just a few minutes. Fatty Factor: Yeah, we were totally kidding about the summer bod, fatass. Let’s Get Baked: - Melt all of the cheese together in one big bowl. - Mix the ketchup, mayo and mustard into the bowl of melted cheese and stir. - Place the mix in a heavy-duty blender with the rest of the ingredients. - Blend until the chunks aren’t really big or gag-inducing. This could take a while. - Pour it in a few margarita glasses and share it with friends! Feel free to continue with your typical hangover routine, like puking and sleeping, until you’re ready to rage again tonight.

Hungry for More? theblacksheeponline.com

page 17

the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android

booze of the week Booze Review: UV Chocolate Cake | grade: A Overview: Flavored vodkas always have a bad rep, especially by college kids who claim to have “tried them all.” Don’t give up just yet, UV Chocolate Cake is delicious and just the right amount of richness without being overbearing, just like your dream sugar daddy. History: There’s really nothing that UV can’t do. With adventurous flavors like the new Salty Watermelon, they know what it takes to make a quality beverage. So with the rise of cake batter ice cream addictions sweeping the teenage population, UV jumped on board to make yet another vodka that underage kids could indulge in. They easily cranked out UV Whipped and UV Cake, along with every other vodka company that caught wind of the sweet tooth trend. But that’s where they reached a dead end. Where do they go from here? UV Cupcake would be too similar; UV Cool Whip would be too trademarked. UV Ice Cream? That would just taste a lot like vanilla. It wasn’t until one of the master distillers at UV took a trip with his family to Cold Stone Creamery that he had the idea to make UV Chocolate Cake. “It was like we totally forgot there was a whole other flavor out there. We were just so stuck on vanilla and yellow cake and cream that we completely abandoned its darker, richer counterpoint,” Master Distiller Richard Shriver explained. That night at Cold Stone he indulged in a Love

It Chocolate Cake Batter ice cream with whipped cream on top. “After one bite, I knew it. I felt like an idiot that we let that go for so long.” When Shriver returned to work the next day, the UV team was already hard at work on a new flavor. It turns out that everyone had visited Cold Stone the night before with their families and had the same epiphany. Shriver refused to believe the truth and is still fighting for creation rights to this day. Typical Drinkers: Stay-at-home moms, guys who question their sexuality, and children who confuse it for chocolate milk. User Comments: “Dude, let’s bake with this or something.” “Tastes good. Needs candles.” “But what do you mix with this?” “I could probably only have like, one mixed drink before hating this.” Conclusion: It’s chocolately, it’s delicious, but it can be a little rich after a while, so pace yourself. Our suggestion? Take a Solo cup, fill it halfway with Chocolate Cake and top the rest of it off with milk and a few ice cubes. Trust us. It’s a great way to start the night.

Best Mixer: Milk, honestly • Worst Mixer: Sprite

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page 18

theblacksheeponline.com

Faking Your Graduation Reindeer Games wrote this Four years and hundreds of thousands of your parents’ dollars all culminate in the glorious ceremony known as graduation. Parents look on as their babies sit wearing ridiculous hats and dresses, listening to some pompous dickhead ramble on as they attempt to hold in the vomit from polishing off an entire 30 rack of Keystone the night previous. You know, for old times’ sake. However, the most prestigious of honors is kept only for those who managed to “pass” all of their “classes,” as those who spent their afternoons getting baked and eating Hot Pockets are not allowed to walk. But, with a can-do attitude and more effort than you put into studying for finals, you may be able to trick your parents into believing that you are, in fact, graduating. To do this, you simply need to create your own fake graduation ceremony, specifically reserved for the university’s finest student: yourself. The first things you need are some actors. Champaign has a vibrant and lively homeless population you can exploit with drugs and alcohol. Offer each a gram, a 40 and a Swisher to participate in your scheme. Chances are your parents don’t know the provost’s name, let alone what he or she looks like. This can be used to your advantage. Head over to Goodwill and pick out the one suit not covered in urine for the least terrifying bum. Be sure to pre-warn your parents that the provost is eccentric and a vegan, so they will not be shocked when they see a man with a scraggly beard that reeks of dog shit. This provost will need to be armed with a little bit of information, like, for example, that you are an art history major and what an art history major really does, as no one actually knows this. You should also provide your fake provost with a few motivational quotes from obscure indie films so they have something “profound” to say before you walk and get your “diploma.” After getting your faux provost ready, you need to con some of your fellow college students into participating as fake graduates at your ceremony. Freshmen can easily be persuaded to do embarrassing things for the simplest of favors, like a sixer of Natty Light. If you can get enough freshmen to fill out several seats, you can get the rest

What are your plans for the summer?

“Grace Haka.” - Chris, Senior of the chairs filled by foreign exchange students who actually believe that this is where they are supposed to be for graduation. Remember, when lying to your parents it's always best to keep things simple, so you will only want about 20 students or so for your mock graduation. Say it’s a special ceremony and that you had the distinction of being hand-selected by the dean. Cue tears of pride from mom. Scouting a good location ahead of time is key for anything, whether it is a solid parking spot, classy wedding reception or elaborate graduation ceremony scam. If you can borrow several foldable chairs, then a park slightly off campus will be a great place to set up your graduation. Once the location is taken care of, you will need to find a keynote speaker. Ralph Macchio hasn’t done anything with his life since The Karate Kid and will probably show up to your graduation for fifty bucks, a cheap hooker, and a small amount of black tar

heroin. If Ralph Macchio has already been booked for a sweet sixteen party, Carrot Top is always available as well. For the commencement speech, just toss a bunch of clichés about new beginnings together to create a Frankenstein’s monster of a speech that will be best thing either of them has done. The last part of pulling off a successful fake graduation is selling it to your parents. Whenever they don’t seem to believe you, just keep frequently using the word “progressive” and talk to them about how it’s “more green” to have a smaller ceremony off campus. Your parents will eat that shit up, either thinking they’re helping the environment or getting too angry at the hippie liberals to poke anymore holes in your made-up event. If successfully pulled off, you should be rolling in a shitload of grad cash from the parents, and your photoshopped diploma will score you a few job offers. Now to plan the summer graduation party…

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passing the bar

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If you're too cool for Burnett's or stopped shooting Smirnoff months ago, well la-di-dah. Test your knowledge on these blank liquor labels to see how well you know your stuff. Send your answers to labels@theblacksheeponline.com and if you're right, you'll win a prize.

summer music FESTIVAL MATRIX

want to hit up some sick festies this year, man? can't decide which ones you want to spend your parent's money on? chill out, we've got a matrix to help narrow down some of the options for you.

THE page 22

THE RIDDLE

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Do you know what's going on here?! Email us the question the riddle is asking plus the answer to said question, to riddle@theblacksheeponline.com. If you're right, you'll win something sweet!

the crossword: Studying for finals

Across 1) Literature majors online study buddy 4) Secret Starbucks super-strong coffee 5) Last-second study session 11) Coffee alternative for the weak 12) Hope you've taken notes since day one if you've got one of these exams 13) Don't let one audibly slip in the library 14) They always manage to break right before your paper is due 17) Look at these for last minute cramming 18) Biblioteca, according to Spaniards 19) Where to vent your #studyprobz 20) Coffee shits can be described as such

DOWN 2) As finals get closer, the price of this goes higher 3) A bubbly test form 6) "Adderall Alternative" by Genetech Pharmaceutical 7) "To ___ perchance to dream" 8) Adderall and meth have this in common 9) The social networking mecca of procrastination 10) It streams hours of procrastination 12) The lifeblood of studying 15) You'll have to borrow these after never going to class 16) Scientific word for "why coffee makes you pee"

the madlib The Ride Back Home with Mom and Dad “So, __1__, how was your semester?” said my father. “Learn anything applicable to life in your __2__ classes? I hope you’ve been hitting the books more often than the __3__. Remember, your great aunt __4__ never quite recovered from selling her __5__ to help pay for your tuition. Heck, I might even have to take up __6__ again just to make ends meet! __7__!”

friend, __20__. We fell in love, and after a long night experimenting with __21__ and sacrificing __22__ in an effort to resurrect the omnipotent, supreme ruling deity __23__, we birthed the first of our spawn, __24__. Also, consistently throughout the year, I would print out pictures of __25__ and furiously __26__ to them on a biweekly basis.”

My __8__ started to sweat like a __9__ about to __10__. But I could no longer hide my shame from my parents; they must know. For in the wise words of __11__: “One time my buddy __12__ told a lie, and he/she __13__ all over my __14__ for __15__, only stopping to say, ‘__16__!’ So don’t lie.”

My mother began to vomit uncontrollably, tears streaming from her eyes from hearing how I tarnished the __27__ name. Amidst her projectile spewing of shame and disgust, my father yelled at the top of his lungs, “Oh, God. Not again… NOT AGAIN. Look what you’ve done to your mother, __28__. Look what you’ve done to this family!”

“Well, Dad,” said I with all the gusto of a/ an __17__ Nic Cage, “instead of studying for finals, I __18__ my roommate’s __19__

We spent the rest of the ride home in silence. I can’t wait for next semester!

1. Your name 2. Major 3. Old man liquor 4. Name of relative 5. Vital body organ 6. Embarrassing job 7. Swear word 8. Body part 9. Farm animal 10. Verb 11. Historical figure 12. Another historical figure 13. Past tense verb 14. Body part

15. Period of time 16. Famous movie line 17. Adjective 18. Past tense sexual verb 19. Adjective 20. Name of your roommate’s friend 21. Hard drug 22. Friend’s name 23. Dead celebrity name 24. Name of future child 25. Plural noun 26. Verb 27. Your last name 28. Your name

Tex mex wrote this