The Black Sheep
from FREE hom ! Like e be all t fore he b you ooze hea you ded sto to c le am pus ...
Volume 9
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
Issue 1
TOP 10: FRESHMAN PARTY SPOTS A GUIDE TO ROOMMATE DOMINATION PUB AMERICA’S BARTENDER OF THE MONTH
INSIDE
INSIDE
, K C A B E M O C L E W ! N O I T A N D R I B D E R
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OWNER Atish Doshi
WRITERS Brian Barsotti Becca Mcgovern Mollie McDonnel Nikki Monroe Steven Czernecki
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DISCLAIMER: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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Welcome to Page Three! You are about to have more fun than a freshman at a frat party. Tweet us your answers, or send them to page3@theblacksheeponline.com. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!
PAGE THREE THE BLACK SHEEP’S LEGENDARY
WORD OF THE WEEK
WHAT MOVIE IS THIS SCENE FROM?
The image below depicts an iconic scene from an iconic movie. What movie is it? If you think you know the answer, email Page3@theblacksheeponline.com . If you’re right, we’ll mail you a prize!
CORKSCREWED An occurrence in which the wine cork breaks in the neck of the wine bottle.
“After it broke, I can’t get the cork to go in the bottle or come out. I’m totally corkscrewed.”
WHICH 1-HIT WONDER IS THIS? Hey, look, it’s that guy who sang that song! What’s his name? Well, we know, do you? If you know the name of the 1-hit wonder from the 2000s pictured below, email us the correct answer at Page3@theblacksheeponline.com . If you’re right, maybe we’ll send you a CD we have laying around our office.
VIDEO GAME CHARACTERS:
2 TRUTHS AND A LIE Can you spot the lie these video game icons are telling you? Think you know the answer, email Page3@theblacksheeponline.com with your answer. We’ll send you that Duck Hunt dog’s head in a box.
I’ve also been known as “Jumpman” and “Mr. Video.” Me and Princess Peach have never kissed in a video game. I guest refereed in Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!!
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PARTY PICS
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ON THE STREETS
WHAT WOULD YOU DO FOR A 4.0? LUCAS RAYCRAFT, JUNIOR
“I would give Reggie a rimjob. I’m fearless.”
DYLAN BROOMBAUGH, SENIOR “Nothing. I am a ruthless bitch.”
HILARY ULMAN, SENIOR
“I would challenge Flanagan to a drinking competition; beer pong, and flippy cup all involved. Dietz would be the judge, with Bowman cheering me on from the sidelines. Flanagan was a lightweight so I would totally get that 4.0!”
06
VICTORRRRRRRRY...LAP.
THE TOP TEN
FRESHMAN PARTY SPOTS
Each and every year newcomers join the Blo-No community with hopes of living up the college experience, aka finding the best parties around. So, let’s not forget some of the best party spots freshmen will find around campus.
RECENT GRAD RETURNS FOR “SENIOR YEAR” Jennifer Green wrote this Last May, thousands of Redbirds walked across the stage, donning cap and gown to signify their completion of college and subsequent entrance into the real world. Many graduates felt a mixture of emotions: sadness, nervousness, but most importantly, excitement to start this new chapter of their lives. All but one graduate, that is. Johnny Carlins was terrified to graduate. Although he already had a job lined up for him, he couldn’t help but focus on how he would be trading in Pub Wednesdays and all-night ragers for a desk job. Once he graduated and finally started working, a close friends of Johnny told The Black Sheep that he lasted about a month before he decided to quit. After he quit his job, family and friends didn’t hear from him for a few months. What happened next, no one could have predicted. One of Johnny’s friends and current senior, Jake Howard, saw him on the first day of class. “I was walking to Fell and he happened to pass by me. I thought, this must be a joke. He ran up to me, bro-hugged me, and then said something about day drinking on Saturday before running off to class. I was too stunned to say anything at the moment, but I figured I would just ask him when I went to his place. I’m not gonna turn down a darty.” But it wasn’t a joke. Rachel Wood and Tina McBride, two of Johnny’s closest friends, told The Black Sheep, “He called both of us and asked if we were excited for senior year. We thought he was just checking in on us and ya know, being excited for us. But after that he just kept going on about how excited he was for his senior year. It was clear to us both that he was in such deep denial that he truly thought this would be his senior year. We just wanted him to be happy so…we didn’t say anything to him.” After the first day of class was over, Johnny invited everyone to his place for a Chillabus Week party. Friends flooded in to question Johnny’s state of mind (but mostly to drink). Before anyone could even start asking questions though, Johnny stood up on his kitchen table and made an announcement. “Alright everyone, this wonderful time in our lives is rapidly coming to an end. That’s right, college is gonna end a lot sooner than we all think.” As he said this everyone exchanged an uncomfortable glance and his friend Jacob opened his mouth to break the news to Johnny, but he continued, “And in honor of the approaching end to the most free, fun time in our lives, I’m gonna do everything to make this the best senior year ever. You want parties? I’m gonna throw em’. It’s gonna be nonstop booze and nonstop fun, all on me!” The crowd looked at one another before one person screamed, “SHOTTSSS!!!” Almost immediately the party went insane. “Once we heard ‘nonstop booze’ I think everybody stopped thinking logically and just tried to drink everything in sight. I mean what were we gonna do? Not take advantage of his denial?” Jake Howard, a party attendee, said. The party finally moved completely outside and, presumably wanting to make another drunken announcement, Johnny clumsily climbed to the top of a parking structure by his apartment complex. “Alright, listen up bitches, when I say ‘ISU’ you say ‘GO’. ‘ISU’…”“GO,” the drunken Redbirds screamed back. He stumbled over to the edge of the garage and leaned forward to continue the chant. But before he could get the words out, he slipped and fell, breaking his neck on the concrete below. Weeks later, The Black Sheep talked to one of the party goers who witnessed the accident. David Brewer said, “Johnny was the best damn Redbird I’ve ever known. Did I know him only for a night? Yes. Was I there primarily for free booze? God, yes. But I can say this, I’ve never seen anyone love college more than Johnny. That guy’s a legend.”
10.) Merry Ann’s: Who doesn’t love some late-night, drunken eats? Merry Ann’s Diner is filled with drunken upperclassmen after a long night of drinking, as well as sober and envious underclassmen who couldn’t find anything better to do. Your day will come, young ones. For now enjoy some soggy hash browns. 9. ) The Quad: When you can’t find a good spot to go out, you can always hang out on the quad with some fellow freshmen friends you met at orientation. You and your new BFF for only the first week of college can watch all the upperclassmen walk across with drinks and tipsy friends on their way to have a good time. Without you. 8.) PIKE: This house always had the best parties with some dangerously good jungle juice. Perhaps that’s why they got kicked off campus… But the freshmen don’t yet know that. 7.) The Island: Does anyone know if this exists anymore? Or where it is? Well, freshmen always seem to locate it and swarm the house making it an easy target for cops. Enjoy that jungle juice in your final minutes, freshmen. 6.) Birdhouse: This classic party house is iconic to ISU. Just ask any upperclassman if they’ve ever been and the answer will be a resounding yes. Then they’ll pull out their drinking ticket to prove it. If you want to have a good night and be ready to run at midnight when the cops come, then by all means flock to the Birdhouse, young Redbirds. 5.) The Junction: The Junction is always a fun place to let loose with some jiggle juice, but where is that, again? If you can find it, you can come party here. Odds are you won’t, since it’s not even a real place on campus anymore. Know before you go. 4.) McDonald’s Parking Lot: When invited to a party at The Edge or The Flats, make sure you get the pass code to get in the building. Otherwise you’ll find yourself at McDonald’s with all the other underclassmen who can’t get into the parties. At least they serve breakfast from 12:00a.m. to 4:00a.m. so if you find yourself in this position, stick around long enough for a McGriddle. 3.) The Lodge: Hey, the odds of finding a party at The Lodge are very high. Here freshmen can stalk upperclassmen to find a kegger and then invite all their friends. In about 30 minutes you’ll have a party filled with other party-desperate freshmen just like you, and two cops at the door ready to bust it. 2.) Watterson Dorms: When you don’t know of a party, that’s alright. Just host a pregame in your dorm until you hear of something worth doing. You can pack about 25 freshmen and their water bottles of Burnett’s in these bad boys. And no, your RA will never hear a thing… 1.) UPB Events: Wow, a school-sanctioned event in which we can party and meet new people?! Sounds great, right? You’ll bond with every one of the five people there. Then you can go back to your dorm, watch a movie, and tuck yourselves in by 10 p.m. sharp. Good, clean college fun. Dolly O’Donnel wrote this
YES PLEASE.
FIVE THINGS TO TRY DRUNK THIS SEMESTER
5.) Get educated: Going to MAT 113 without a spiked Einstein’s smoothie is a mistake, and you already made enough of those on the chapter three exam. The best way to interact with numbers is on an equal playing field. So basically, get to the point where you, too, no longer make sense. Attending class inebriated will bring you much joy as well as the much needed attention from the hot guy two seats over. Nothing says “fun and flirty” like sloppily sipping out of a straw and seductively working that calculator.
4.) Drink the Kool-Aid: By “Kool-Aid” we mean “coffee.” And by “coffee” we mean that misleadingly-labeled brown liquid from Watterson. Drinking Watty coffee while drunk is the only time in your four-to-nine years at ISU that it will not make you want to vom – mostly because you did that five shots in, but still. AdditionAre you Redbird ready for fall, 2015? Whether or not you are, The Black Sheep has generously created a list ally, the alleged caffeine in the so-called “coffee” will give you that extra jolt needed to win at BP or take the of activities to take a stab at after taking a generous swig. Or seven. Plus three shots of Fireball and a pull of plunge and do that keg stand. Not to mention you’ll look damn classy sippin’ out of that green earth-tone Burnett’s – not because you necessarily like the taste of alcohol and regret, but because we encourage you mug compared to all the Solo cup-sporting kids around you. Either way, drunk Watterson coffee is better to challenge yourself this semester. Watterson coffee. Well, because you’re drunk.
Tina Poehler wrote this
3.) Call the shots: After the aforementioned shots, call your parents! They love hearing about your life, and even more, they love having new stories to brag to their friends about. So go ahead and tell Steve and Carol about how “Rachel totally took forever to get ready,” and how by the time you got to the party Rob was already dancing with Cassie “who, by the way, has ugly man arms.” Your parents will be so impressed by your patience and careful observation skills that they will be overcome with confidence that their money is going to a well-deserving cause. Plus they’ll be so thrilled you’re calling for a reason other than to borrow money that they won’t even care that it’s 2:47 a.m. on a Tuesday. In fact, they’ll be proud that their little angel is so darn thoughtful. 2.) Find God: If you’re doing ISU right, every Sunday morning you’ll need some saving. Who better to go to than the man upstairs? After taking that cutie in the crop top home and shouting “oh god” all night, it only makes sense to actually visit him. And bring the girl. Everyone knows that church means free wine. Women love wine. So keep that buzz going and simultaneously win that PYT’s heart. If you’re worried about the congregation noticing your lack of sobriety (or dignity for that matter) sip from your flask until you feel comfortable. Jesus was all about feeling comfortable in your own skin. Hence the skimpy little loincloth. 1.) Steal their hearts. And then their valuables: “What’s in this water bottle, officer? Oh you know, just the tears of all the men whose hearts I’ve stolen.” And in the bag? Two shotglasses, a paddle and some poor freshman’s dignity. College means taking advantage of all the freebies, whether you’re raiding Festival ISU or taking anything that’s not nailed down. Waking up with a sombrero is the epitome of success, when just hours previously the closest thing in your possession to a hat was a weird-looking barrette you found under your mattress on move in day. If you expect to get any type of job in today’s economic state, you must be a go-getter. So, go get yourself a poster, three iPhone chargers and a throw pillow. Shots shouldn’t be the only thing you’re taking on a night out.
READ MORE ONLINE THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
ISU TO OFFER “U OF I” VISION GOGGLES FOR FAILED APPLICANTS George Tilapia wrote this
In a surprise announcement today, Illinois State University kicked off the new school year with a revolutionary new visual device that now emulates the experience of being a U of I student complete with all the accolades. Redbirds can now simulate being a part of the prestigious Illini Clan, getting a Big Ten education, and the thrill of hitting on sophomores during dollar draft nights at Joe’s. ISU spokesman Levi Hendrickson had this to say: “We try to provide top education and opportunities for our students. We listened intently to the demands of those who yearned for higher education, yet choked multiple times during the reading portion of the ACT/SAT like some toothless-hillbilly moron who ended up at Western Illinois. So we invested millions into a technology that would simulate what it would be like going to the perfect school an hour away for several thousand more in added tuition and twice the presence of Greek life!” Public demonstrations were available at Milner Plaza. Business administration junior, Alex McNile, who regularly travels on weekends to shoot the shit with barely-relevant friends
from high school, was among the first to try the goggles. “I filled out a questionnaire creating my Channing Tatum avatar and I was soon on my merry way. I ended up being the star quarterback for the Fighting Illini—we went 4-8—having an endless supply of Jimmy John’s sandwiches and more pootytang than a guy could ask for! Everything is so serene and beautiful, the air smells like lilacs and the water system flows with bubbly champagne. I can definitely see where the extra tuition money goes, because all my friends in here are beautiful and they always serve caviar at Foellinger Auditorium!” Students are free to move about the ISU campus while witnessing the splendor of Urbana-Champaign through the goggles. It was noted that a few fortunate students were granted permission to test the units at parties around the ISU campus. When asking fellow ISU students what school they go to, it was reported that testers replied with “Oh! I have a friend who goes there!” Sophomore graphic design major Janice Rodriguez voiced her criticisms:
“ I definitely liked the caviar and the aristocratic parties, but there has to be a price in order to pay for all this grandeur. I mean Normal is alright… we now have a Buffalo Wild Wings so that’s a bonus! And they’re going to upgrade the Bone Center finally! Of course, once I’ve graduated though.” The experience certainly does not come cheap, however. Students are still expected to pay tuition at ISU in addition to the $26,586 to keep the U of I pipe dream alive. Students like McNile, however, are not blinded by the thick vines of a simulated Public Ivy education:
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“Yeah, I’ll be paying both tuitions now… but at least I won’t have to drive there!” With this new technology, ISU promises to keep up with the Joneses with exciting new additions. Hendrickson commented: “Emulating the Big Ten doesn’t stop at the first glance. By this fall, for an additional $60 you can purchase the impaired vision lens display to experience and contribute to what it’s like being the nation’s #1 party school!”
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THE BAR GRID SPECIAL NIGHT
FRIDAY: $1.50 Bud Family 20oz Drafts $2 All Ciders. $2.50 Fireball $2.50 Rum All Day! $4 Bud Family Pitchers
Fireball Friday $3 Fireball $3 Double Wells $4 Long Islands No Cover!
Tapper Tuesday $3 All Draught Pints $3 Jager
SATURDAY: Karaoke at 10pm! $3.50 15oz, $4 20oz Import or Craft Draft Beer
THURSDAY
$1.25 Wells and UV Flavors $1.75 Domestic Bottles $2.50 Red Bull Vodka
.75 Cent Wells $2 Long Islands $2 Bud Family No Cover!
$2 Buck Thursdays! $2 Wells, Domestic Bottles, 1/2 Draughts Pints, PBR Tall Boys & Blackjack Shots
$1.75 Rolling Rock Pints $3.00 PBR Bottles $2.75 Well Drinks
FRIDAY
$1.50 Bud Family 20oz Drafts $2 All Ciders $2.50 Fireball $2.50 Rum All Day! $4 Bud Family Pitchers
Fireball Friday $3 Fireball $3 Double Wells $4 Long Islands No Cover!
FAT FRIDAY $3 All Flavored Vodkas & Heineken Bottles
$2.75 20oz Miller Lite Draft
SATURDAY
$1.75 Domestic Bottles $2 Wells and UV Flavors $2.50 Bud Family 20oz Drafts $2.50 Vegas Bombs
$4 Jack Daniels $3 Double Wells $4 Long Islands No Cover
Signature Saturday Specials on All Signature Cocktails, Bud Light Lime and Bud Select Bottles
Karaoke at 10pm! $3.50 15oz, $4 20oz Import or Craft Draft Beer
SUNDAY
$2 Bloody Marys $2.50 Stoli Sunday $2.50 Bud Family 20oz Drafts $2.50 Vegas Bombs
$2 Beers $3 Everything Else!
All Daily Specials!
Closed
MONDAY
$3 Whiskey Mondays! $1.50 Domestic Bottles $2.50 Fireball
Trivia Night! $2 Beers, $3 Calls Wings: 12 for $5, 20 for $8
Rum Monday! $3 All Call Rum Drinks and Import Bottles
$1.75 Miller Lite Pints
TUESDAY
$2.50 Tito’s Tuesdays! $2 Import and Micro Bottles, $2 Well & UV Flavors $2 Bud Family Drafts
$3 Burger Baskets $2 Drafts $3 Calls
Tapper Tuesday $3 All Draught Pints $3 Jager
$2.75 20 oz. Rolling Rock Pints 1st and 3rd Tuesday of the month is Comedy Open Mic at 8pm!
WEDNESDAY
$1.25 Domestic Bottles $2.50 Fireball & Vegas Bombs $3 U Call Its & All Bombs $4 Bud Family Pitchers
$3 Domestic Pitchers
Whiskey Wednesday $3 All Call Whiskey Drinks $2 Draught 1/2 Pints
Karaoke at 9pm! $2 Well Drinks and Miller Lite Pints
He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games than you could ever play.
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THE BAR GRID EVERYDAY: $2 Shot & $3 Drink Specials!
Sunday & Wednesday Bucket Day! $9 Domestic Buckets (5 Bottles)
SPECIAL NIGHT
$2 Domestic Bottles $3 Sailor Jerry
$2 Shock Top Drafts $2 Shot & $3 Drink Specials!
$2.50 19oz Domestic Drafts
THUR.
$2.50 Import Bottles and Malt Beverages
FRI.
$5 Rolling Rock Pitchers $2 Shot & $3 Drink Specials!
$2.50 Well Drinks
SAT.
$3.75 24oz Domestic Drafts $4 Absolute Mixers
$2 Miller Lite $2 Shot & $3 Drink Specials!
Bucket Day! $9 Domestic Buckets (5 Bottles)
SUN.
$9 Domestic Buckets (5 Bottles)
$5 Domestic Pitchers $3 Fireball Shots
$2 Bud Light Drafts $2 Shot & $3 Drink Specials!
$3 Smirnoff Vodka Drinks (Any Flavor)
Well To Do Tuesday $3 All WELL Vodka, Gin, Rum, Tequila, American Whiskey and Liquors
$2 You-Call-Its
$2 Domestic Bottles $3 Imports and Micro Bottles $3 Rail Call Drinks
$2 Cider Drafts $2 Shot & $3 Drink Specials!
$3 Captain Morgan Drinks (any flavor)
Whiskey Wednesday $3 All CALL American, Irish, Scotch and Canadian Whiskey
$7 Premium Pitchers
$5 Bud Family Pitchers $4 Vodka Red Bull $4 All Bombs
$2 Bud Light Bottles $2 Shot & $3 Drink Specials!
Bucket Day! $9 Domestic Buckets (5 Bottles)
$2.75 Coronas $6 32oz Vodka Red Bulls $6 32oz Rum & Coke
Tapper Thursday $3.75 All 20oz Draught Pints
$4 Bud Light Pitchers $2 Wells $6 32oz Vodka Red Bulls
Failte Friday Try our special Long Ireland Iced Tea for $4!
$6 Long Islands $2 Redds, $3 Fireball $3 Tijuana Sweet Heat Tequila
$2.50 22oz Domestic Drafts
Slainte Saturday: $3 Any Flavor of Three Olives Premium Vodka
$2.75 Coronas $6 32oz Vodka Lemonade $6 32oz Rum & Coke
$3.75 24oz Domestic Drafts
Sunday Bloody Sunday ALL of our Daily Specials available! $4 16oz Ultimate Bloody Marys featuring Ketel One Vodka
Closed
Mad Monday! $3 All Import Bottles and Microbrew Bottles
SATURDAY:
Happy Hour (4-7PM): $1 Bud Light Bottles, $2 Captain Morgan, $3 RBVs All Day: $6 Bud Light Pitchers
MON. TUES. WED.
WEDNESDAY: $5 Bud Family Pitchers $4 Vodka Red Bull $4 All Bombs
Whiskey Wednesday $3 All CALL American, Irish, Scotch and Canadian Whiskey
great specials all week!
: e veryday $2 shot & $3 d rink ! specials
sunday: $2 miller lite bottles monday: $2 bud light drafts tuesday: $2 cider drafts wednesday: $2 bud light bottles thursday: $2 shock top drafts friday: $6 bud light pitchers saturday: $5 rolling rock pitchers
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friday h ap hour 4-7 py p $1 bud lt m: . btl $2 capta s, d rinks, $ in 3 rbvs
pubamerica1
open 3pm - 2am . 309-808-0145 602 n. main street, bloomington il
BARTENDER of the MONTH
PATRICK O’CONNELL AT PUB AMERICA
Relationship Status: Taken Major: Communications Favorite Drink: EFFEN Cucumber and water Favorite Shot: Jameson Disgusting Drink: Malort What’s going to be all the drinkin’ rage this school year?: Starting early and often for Redbird football on Saturdays. Where’s the best place for a sneaky makeout sesh in Pub America?: If you have to sneak it, cancel tomorrow’s plans and steal a Netflix account… the hangover will f*** you harder anyways. What’s the best thing
that happened to you this summer?: Camp Firewood What’s something you wish someone told you when you were a freshman?: If there’s a black light, you probably shouldn’t be there. Which 2 swear words are best put together?: Fuck-shit What is the laziest way to avoid the freshman 15?: Don’t avoid it, dad bods are in. What is the spirit animal of your most sexual fantasy?: I don’t fantasize about animals, sheep. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Pass time with a laugh or two.
THE DRINKING GAME
RECIPE FOR DISASTER
FRESHMAN 15 SHOTS
FIRST DAY ON YOUR OWN CASSEROLE
With school starting up again, it’s important to get focused but even more important to focus on getting your tolerance back to an acceptable level. This game is sure to give your liver a warm welcome back to Blo-No.
Mommy and Daddy drop you off at school and hightail it outta there before you can change your mind, now what do you do? Forget the ramen, you can make something just like grandma used to make—after she became old and senile and tried feeding you raccoon for Thanksgiving.
What You’ll Need: A good ol’ handle of Burnett’s, a flask, and plenty of perseverance. Number of Players: You and all your closest friends who you haven’t seen all summer.
What You’ll Need: A casserole dish, (Who are we kidding? You’re not Martha Stewart) or some sort of pot—the baking kind. No, no, the kind you put in the oven. Also, whatever food you can scrounge up for free during Syllabus Week. Probably Papa John’s and whatever else. We used two slices of pizza and a box of fried rice a hobo generously offered us.
Level of Intoxication: You’ll be missing class the next day because of the hangover.
Fatty Factor: 1000% of your daily-recommended value.
How to Play: -Take a shot for all the ambulances you hear called on the freshmen that can’t hang. -For every icebreaker in your classes, take a shot. - Every time you step around puke on the sidewalk, drink to that. -When you see the herds of students wearing lanyards around their neck, take a shot and try not to strangle them with their makeshift noose. -If somebody asks you for directions, take a shot and appreciate the fact you look like you know your way around this place. -If somebody asks to borrow your ID for the bars, take a long drink and deny them every time.
Let’s Get Baked: - Preheat the oven to 400 degrees. - Take the pot and gently place it on a flat surface. - Throw all the ingredients into the pot so violently that they selfcombine. - Sprinkle a hefty helping of salt for “flavor.” - Wait a certain amount of time, you decide. - Carefully remove from oven. - Divide into enough portions to last the entire semester. - Call Mom and cry.
The Game Ends When: You realize you have to stumble to your next class, whatever the hell that might be.
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If the complaining to Mom doesn’t work, virtually every club on campus offers free food during Syllabus Week. Just steal a pizza or two at every session and you can last through most of the semester.
NOMNOMNOM AT THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
The Horoscope: Your Sign as a Potato
Have you ever wondered what form of potato coincides with your astrological sign? Yes? Well then today’s your lucky day, because The Black Sheep has created a potato-themed horoscope for your week! You can thank us later. ARIES — SMILEY-FACE FRIES: Aries has an affinity for all things 90s and 00s, and has probably never missed a Tuesday at Pub. They are just the right level of crispy, and are really fun at parties. Keep your eyes (and potatoes) peeled for a love interest coming your way this week. TAURUS — THE MASHED POTATO: A Taurus wears many hats - butter, chives, bacon bits, you name it. Their classic nature makes them consistently successful, and a good pairing for most other foods. Err...people. Pay especially close attention to detail on the 20th, and remember the old saying: measure twice, mash once. GEMINI — THAT ONE CURLY FRY IN YOUR REGULAR FRIES: Aka probably the best potato-related thing that can happen to you. You are full of unexpected surprises and never fail to make others smile. Their unique nature makes them stand apart from the crowd. Keep on the lookout for a price drop in that thing you’ve had your eye on around the 25th. CANCER — CHEESY POTATOES: This person is a main course masquerading as a side dish. They’re a little off the beaten path, and take longer to warm up, but in the end, they’re completely worth it. The kind of cheese depends on the person, but usually they tend to stick with the classics. Get ready to dazzle your friends at a barbeque around the 28th.
LEO — WAFFLE FRIES: The perfect pair to almost any meal, the Leo is as friendly as they come. Others get excited when they hear a Leo is coming to their dinner party, and some may cancel plans just to go. Leos are especially great with little kids, but are loved by people of all ages. Keep an eye out for a hot chick(en) on the 25th. VIRGO — THE SWEET POTATO: The name says it all. The sweet nature and mild flavor of a Virgo instantly attracts everyone around them, but some are more attracted than others. Virgos are also the least salty out of all the signs, literally and figuratively. Get ready for a big opportunity coming your way on the 30th. LIBRA — MCDONALD’S FRIES: The scales of the Libra are perfectly balanced between salty and soft. They strike harmony in the golden brown outside and squishy inside. Make sure they aren’t salty, and they’ll be much warmer. Have lunch with a close friend on the 24th, they’ll want to ketchup with you. SCORPIO — ROASTED POTATOES: Probably the closest a potato can get to being “badass,” like Scorpios are known to be. They’re lean, they’re mean, and they go great with a side of steak. A Scorpio should be on the lookout for a big change coming sometime this week - and accept it cause it’s awesome.
SAGITTARIUS — HASH BROWNS: You either love a Sagittarius, or you hate them. They’re kinda stringy and crispy...and to be honest, the word Sagittarius just reminded me of spaghetti squash and that’s the only reason why they’re hash browns. Look for a healthy dinner alternative on the 27th. CAPRICORN — HOME FRIES: A classic form of potato and a funny nickname for your friends all rolled into one. Capricorns are notorious for being the unsung hero. They are the backbone of many things, yet are often overlooked. Prepare to shine in the spotlight on the 22nd this week. AQUARIUS — POTATO CAKES: Hearty and filling, the Aquarius is usually a lot to handle all at once. Your bold flavor and easy recipe draw similar people towards you. Usually Irish people. Prepare for good news around the 21st. PISCES – CHIPS: What goes together better than fish and chips? And yes, we mean fries, not actual chips. Pisces are a little exotic, but still a classic at the same time. Not one to be messed with, Pisces stick around for good. Expect a visit from a far away friend around the 24th.
a ladie’s guide to living situations (lessons yo mama didn’t teach you...)
HOW TO: ASSERT DOMINANCE OVER YOUR ROOMMATE
5 DISCREET WAYS TO TELL YOUR MAN YOU’RE TAKING A GIANT POOP
College is a time to reinvent yourself, to turn the person you were in high school to the person your future self will regret being. No matter who you were in high school, there’s one person everyone wants to be in college: the top dorm dog. That’s right, we’re talking the alpha roommate. The alpha roommate is the cool roommate, the roommate in charge, the roommate who calls all the shots and takes shit from nobody. Most importantly, the alpha roommate is not the beta roommate, the submissive roommate, the roommate who only calls their mother and takes shit from everybody, especially their mother. It’s decision time; which one will you be? There can only be one alpha, and here’s how to make sure it’s you.
For us ladies, some things are uncomfortable to talk about with your man, especially when you two are first getting to know each other. Perhaps the most essential and unavoidable topic is pooping. Yes, even classy ladies fart and poop. But it’s okay, because The Black Sheep’s here to help deal will this issue. By following these 5 easy steps, this embarrassing topic will be easy to handle and become a great test of your relationship!
Ask your roommate what their door keycode is and then secretly switch keys: This move says “You only live here because I allow you to live here.” It may seem like a fun little accident at first, but they’ll soon realize they have a door to go through before they can get through their room door, and that first door is you. Organize a hall hangout and tell everyone that your roommate rudely blew off your invitation, even though you never invited them in the first place: There’s power in numbers, so make sure the numbers are on your side. Everyone in your hall will inevitably pick favorites, so you need to make sure you’re the chosen one. Your roommate won’t be able to defend themselves from taking the blame for every horrific shit taken in the hall bathrooms because they won’t be there when you start that rumor. Is your hall a safe, welcoming place for your roommate? Absolutely! But only because you let it be, for now. Do everything you possibly can in your room: Homework, calisthenics, your next door neighbor, etc… Your roommate needs to know that this is your space, not theirs. The more time you spend in there, the better, and the more impractical ways you spend your time in there, the best. Anyone else would find the gym a better place to go swimming, but you’ll take nothing less than a kiddy pool in the middle of your dorm. Keep the music down because your roommate’s trying to sleep? More like coordinate your sleeping habits to adhere to my 5 a.m. music time habits. Buy a lounge chair, position it in front of the door, and wait in the darkness: This will seem creepy at first, but eventually they’ll get used to it. They’ll even learn to expect it, which will work to your benefit. Next time they’re considering bringing home a random conquest and forcing you into sexile, they’ll have to first consider if they want to risk bringing the ultimate cockblock into play. You know what scares away random hookups? Roommates who sit in the darkness for who knows how long, waiting for you to come home. Let them know you had a previously arranged roommate that backed out at the last minute (even if you didn’t): This one’s to make sure they know who’s the reacher (them) and the settler (you). You had other, more preferable options that unfortunately didn’t work out in the end. Nonetheless, if they had, you would have chosen said original roommate over your now current roommate in a heartbeat. You’re the roommate prize, and they need to know you’ll expect certain behavior if they want to keep the luxury of living with you. Nothing takes away confidence like knowing you’re someone’s second choice, and you know who lacks confidence? Beta roommates. So you’re now equipped to sociopathically manipulate the living daylights out of your brand new living buddy, but why stop there? Manipulate your classmates, manipulate your professor, try out arson for a while and see if it’s for you! Sociopathy is a winding adventurous road; how far will you take it?
5.) Everyone Poops: Just man up and say you’re taking a shit, because if he doesn’t like it you should dump his ass anyway. If you’re new to the relationship or a bit timid, give him the book entitled Everyone Poops, or play the YouTube version of Morgan Freeman reading it. Let’s be honest, no human can resist Morgan Freeman’s sweet, sultry voice. 4.) Before you lay the wood, I’ve gotta lay mine: Sexual innuendos are perhaps the best way to un-awkwardify a situation. We’re all dirty, filthy people on the inside and our love for sex is one thing everyone has in common. If you say this line, preferably before morning sex, it is a guarantee that your man will at least crack a smile and maybe even not completely understand what it means. The end result will benefit you both. 3.) Selfies: Tell your man you’re going to the bathroom to keep all your various social media accounts presh. Everyone knows that bathrooms have the best lighting anyway—where else does the light perfectly fall upon your cheek bones?! On a side note, if you end up taking a while, he’ll understand your need to bless your followers on #SelfieSunday. 2.) Write It Out: Another fine possibility is to spell out “I’m pooping” on the bed with books or roses, because at the end of the day you’re a lady and dammit you’re romantic. Or leave anonymous Post-it notes around the house that lead him directly to you. These Post-it notes can say anything you’re feeling. Topics include but are not limited to: “I’m dropping the kids off at the pool,”“taking a deposit to the bank,”“defecating,” and “filling the peanut butter jar.” He’ll love playing this fun little game while enhancing his vocabulary! 1.) Music: Ahhh, sweet song lyrics have always best summed up and described life’s most awkward, painful, saddest and funniest moments. There is no better way than to sing, “Let Me Poop” to the tune of Disney’s infamous Frozen. If you don’t like Frozen, you can always come up with a rap, preferably while you’re on the toilet, leaving him impressed. There’s no doubt he’s going to want to wife you up after that. By following one or all of these ways to secretly tell your man you’re taking the Browns to the Super Bowl, you’ll not only breakthrough that awkward barrier of poop and non-poop talk, but who knows where your relationship could go from here. The first step in all successful relationships is to be comfortable with and around pooping and farting. So congratulations, because we all know couples that talk about poop, stay together.
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THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB
YOUR SUCCESSFUL SEMESTER Well, this headache isn’t quite how I expected to start this semester, but I guess that’s what ya get for pounding a __1__ of __2__ at __3__ rager last night. Actually, kind of reminded me of __4__ pool party over the summer, when I __5__ that one __6__ and didn’t even catch a name. But this semester’s not going to be like last semester! First class up is…ok, well I missed __7__, but it’s just Syllabus Week anyway, so who frickin’ cares, right? I’ll definitely go to __8__… but it’s all the way over in __9__, so, maybe not. Enough of class, man. Plenty of time to do the whole academic thing. I wonder what’s even going on tonight. Oh shit, it’s __10__! It’s—that means it’s __11__at __12__! Been waiting for this one all summer. Going to get my good clothes on, going to shave my __13__and I’ll be bringing back a piece. We’ll put on some “__14__” by __15__and tomorrow morning we’ll hit up __16__for some of that good Plan B. Ok, but for real. It’s time to get up and get the whole day going. Well, wait, I forgot I was just about to start another season of __17__on Netflix. Well, maybe I’ll go to class tomorrow.
WORD BANK 1) Container/ volume of booze (bottle/case, etc.) 2) Beer or liquor brand 3) Friend, possessive 4) Different friend, possessive 5) Sex act, past tense 6) Term for guy or girl 7) First class of the year
8) Second class of the year 9) Far-away campus building 10) Day of the week 11) Bar special 12) Bar that has 11’s special 13) Body part 14) Sexytime song 15) Artist 16) Campus health center 17) TV show
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