The Black Sheep
FRE E...L IK STU E COL FFIN LECT G YO ING UR YETI PIL LOW FUR FO R S.
Vol. 6, Issue 1
THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
1/16/14 - 1/29/14
VAST YETI MIGRATION TO ISU LEAVES
STUDENTS FEELING ABOMINABLE BY: SCOOP CHANGE Students and faculty alike were all shocked to return to the Bloomington-Normal area to find thousands of yetis, or “snow apes”, had taken residence in their town. The news wasn’t as surprising for some, as the sub-zero temperatures have been known to attract these gentle giants. What was surprising for everyone was the first day of classes when these albino sasquatches attempted to sit in on lectures. Speech pathology major, Freegan Morman, had this to say about the surprise guests “I walked in and there were these really pale, snowy dudes sitting in the front row. I didn’t think much of it though; you never know what new fad is hitting this school. Like that one time with those squirrel people? I don’t judge anymore, man.” Other students were less accepting of their new classmates. Terrance Bigbee, a plant and soil sciences major, didn’t like the university’s reaction to these living snowmen. “I had to sit through four years of high school and pay thousands of dollars to attend this school, and these snow honkies just get to walk in and start getting grades just because we ‘killed the majority of their ancestors’? It’s not fair to the human students.” That’s right, the yetis who began attending classes were given a full ride for whatever major they wanted in a state-sponsored effort to make Illinois more “yeti-friendly” since the genocide of the yeti population thousands of years ago. Professors at Illinois State are adjusting to the recent influx of students much easier than anticipated. Latin American studies professor Niel deGrasse Armstrong was thrilled to have a class riddled with yetis. “I don’t care what anyone says, these snow people are quiet and calm and eager to learn! Most of them are getting better grades than the human students in my classes.” Despite the generally positive reaction to these new, arctic academics ,an anti-yeti student group called “Turn Up the Heat” is rapidly gaining popularity. With almost 10,000 members, a virtual majority of the students are sick of the favorable treatment that the ice people are receiving. The Vice Treasurer, sophomore Jimmy Higginbotham, issued this statement to the press: “We are not some sort of racist organization that wants to get rid of the Frosty Americans. We are only asking for fair treatment! All those lazy snowmen ever do is just sit at their desks, or outside in the cold, and just read the same pages over and over again. We can’t compete with that! We’re only human.” It seems that ISU is in for a tense war of the species in the near future. The Black Sheep can only hope that it remains civil and that it is resolved through peaceful communication and not acts of violence. Editor’s Note: It has since become clear to everyone after the recent heat wave and the copious amounts of rain that the “yetis” were actually just snowmen… Made of snow. A group of students claimed responsibility for building the snowmen indoors saying it was “a prank gone horribly wrong.” Professors are still confused about the snowmen’s high test scores.
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TOP 10: REASONS TO GET AN ILLEGAL DORM CAT
HOW COLD WEATHER AFFECTS PARTIES
COLORADO STUDENTS REACH RECORD HIGHS
YOU DON’T WANT TO RISK YOUR DIPLOMA FOR A CAT? BUT JUST LOOK AT HIM...
WHAT’S SEXIER THAN GRINDING ON THAT TALL HOTTIE IN THE BIG PARKA?
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BY: SCOOP CHANG Whether it’s because you know one of the 25 students suspended this week for being caught with a college kitty, or because you’re that obnoxious kid with allergies who “doesn’t understand how people even like cats,” we’re all aware of the rise in popularity of dorm room felines. The Black Sheep’s got the top 10 reasons you should totally risk suspension to keep a cat in your dorm.
man Arwa, Fresh
10.) You’re sad and alone: Finally a solution to that crippling loneliness! You know no one cares what you have to say, but this friendly feline will be dying to hear whatever useless drivel you’re excited to spew, whether you’re complaining about that really mean professor, or telling Mittens about that girl who totally would’ve hooked up with you if you had gone for it. 9.) You get to name something: Look, ten years from now when you accidentally get/get someone pregnant, you’re not going to be able to name it “Fuckface” or “Spiderman.” But a cat? You can name that thing “BLURGADERGADERG” and eventually it’ll start responding to it.
Marijuana, Senseless Murder
Legalized in Colorado BY: MITCH VAGINAPUN The coming of the New Year has brought change in our nation’s drug policy—change that has brought with it a wave of panic and fear. With the legalization of marijuana and senseless murder in Colorado coming into effect, a panicked public has been voicing outrage across the nation. “It’s just absurd,” 45-year-old lumber mill worker Fred Davis said of the decision. “Lives are in danger, I don’t feel safe,” he added, his eyes nervously shifting back and forth, “I mean, how could they honestly think people wouldn’t get hurt if marijuana were legal.”
“Everyone was just supposed to be super chill. It was never supposed to come to this.” Although Davis’s claim may seem unlikely, The Black Sheep travelled to Colorado to check in with the state government’s statistics and do absolutely nothing else. The $5,000 in cash was for travel expenses; get off our back, Rick from corporate accounting. “Yeah, the death rate has spiked since the law went into effect,” Governor Rickolas Pentrope said, “which isn’t entirely shocking, given the exact wording of the law. I mean, how could you expect otherwise when those damn Democrats snuck in phrases like, ‘under no circumstances should a non-violent drug user be punished as severely as a rapist or serial killer,’” he added over the rattling gunfire and screaming outside his office. “I mean, what were they expecting to happen?” Even some of the law’s most adamant
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8.) You can train it to attack people: Sure, you can declaw your cat, but wouldn’t it be better to make him a killing machine designed to attack your worst enemies? It’s simple, just give him fish while he looks at pictures of you and spray him with water and scream while he looks at pictures of people you hate. Your cat will be ruining lives by midterms. 7.) Obtain internet popularity: Grumpy cat has a movie deal, other random cats are being paid real money because their owners threw pictures of them online wearing bread hats and other dumb shit like that. If you want reddit karma, Facebook likes, or The Black Sheep “Baaahhs” then get a cat and put it on the net. 6.) It is very cold outside: We’re no cat scientists, but if cartoons have taught us anything it’s that a cat’s fur grows back almost instantly. How else could Jerry shave Tom only to have him in full fur after the commercial break? Seriously, how? Cat science, that’s how. Shave your cat, wear its fur, be warm for winter.
supporters turned their backs on the plan when it became a reality. We spoke with Burt Waldin, head of the “Legalize It!” student group at the University of Boulder, about his recent decision to resign from the group. “It wasn’t supposed to be like this, man,”Waldin stammered, wringing his hands together nervously. “Everyone was just supposed to be super chill and sit around eating pizzas and watching cartoons all day. It was never supposed to come to this.” We asked Waldin if he thought the recent legalization of senseless, brutal murder could potentially explain the recent crime wave on the university’s campus, but he insisted that it had nothing to do with it. “Couldn’t be. You think that the ability to walk into a man’s house, drag him into the street, break both of his kneecaps with a tire iron, then remove his head and place it on a pike to warn your enemies, without any legal punishment, has something to do with it? I know weed is legal now, but you guys have been hitting it WAY too much if you think that’s the problem here.” Waldin shook his head remorsefully. “I never should have founded that organization.”
5.) So. Much. Pussy.: Keeping a cat in your dorm is the best way to attract other cats! If you want to hang out with even more positively purr-fect pussycats, then get one for your place of living. No, but seriously, people will have sex with you if you get a cat.
When asked if he had advice for any other student-led legalization groups, Waldin said, “Legalizing marijuana was a huge mistake,” his face covered in the blood of Chris Baywood, single father of four, after Baywood’s head was cleaved off with one fell swoop of a broadsword. “Drugs are a danger to public health.”
3.) They chase laser pointers: Finally a reason to actually go to a store and buy a laser pointer! Until now you’ve been like “I don’t really have the money…” or “am I even going to use it?” Now you will! Cats will chase those dots as if they were created by mighty Cthulhu himself.
Waldin has since been sentenced to 25 years in prison for possession of cocaine.
“College Student Life.”
r Ruben, Senio
“True Life.”
Ana, Junior
4.) Birds suck: How often do you look out your window at those cocky, flying assholes? They think they’re soooo cool with their wings and their ability to defy gravity. What do you have against Isaac Newton, birds? Your cat will share this opinion as he looks longingly out your window.
2.) They’re the best procrastination: A cat can sense when you have serious work to finish. He will show his sympathy by sitting on your keyboard and purring. There’s no better reason to procrastinate than when you have 3 papers due because you have your cuddly kitty to pet instead. 1.) It’ll help you cheat on your significant other: How many times have you been cheating on that special someone, only for them to find someone’s hair on your clothes? With a multicolored furball on your side, you can always say “oh, that’s from Blurgadergaderg, not that guy with the sexy ass from math.”
“Adventuries of Ana.”
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How Cold Weather Affects Parties BY: ISAAC DREIDELSCHLEITZE
With the recent decline in temperatures across the country, many people are deciding to simply stay at home and finish Orange Is the New Black instead of getting shitfaced with people they don’t know. The Black Sheep thinks this is unacceptable. A little cold weather never hurt anybody. Well, except that one guy, but everyone thought Frozen Joe was a dick. Anyway, it shouldn’t stop people from getting their party on. Certain precautions should be taken before getting absolutely wasted on a cold, winter night. On your way out the door, make sure you’re wearing all the necessary party clothes. For guys, this means a sweatshirt, a winter jacket, gloves, boots, a hat, a hood, a ski-mask, some rations in case the situation turns bad, and some hand warmers. Don’t forget a Tauntaun to sleep in; you never know when matters might call for it. For girls, a short skirt should be fine. Sacrificing a few limbs to frostbite while looking good is totally worth it, trust us. A guy’s not gonna notice if your face is numb or that you can’t feel your legs, so neither should you! Before leaving for the party, invite your friendly neighborhood Sherpa. He knows the terrain better than you, and you don’t want to get lost, or worse, snow blind! The quest for slushee beer must carry on and Nanook can get you there in one piece. He also rocks when he’s at the beer pong table. When you finally arrive at the party, guys leave your winter clothes on. According to Cosmopolitan magazine, cotton gloves and a stretchy snow hat are numbers one and two on the hottest clothes list. Girls, feel free to take off your skirts. With your ski jacket on, and Nanook grinding up against you like it’s his job, the party might feel crowded, hot, and uncomfortable. In other words, what you’d pretty much expect from any party. So you should shovel more beer down your gullet, have a good time, and make an ass out of yourself. So you’ve raged your face off and now it’s time for the trek home. Fair warning, try not to pee outside. From experience, your pee will freeze to your body on contact, and that is not fun to explain to a fireman as he tries to peel you off the side of Watterson. If you happen to slip on any ice on the walk home, don’t panic. By this time you’ll be drunk enough not to care. The cold won’t be able to penetrate your drunken armor as you walk back and nearly avoid all the falling icicles around you. If you get lost, don’t count on hailing a taxi. They will all be occupied with their impending deaths after crashing into ditches. Instead, you can hitch a ride with a helpful alpaca. Herds of them will be out during these winter months to help get drunks home. And if worse comes to worst you can always steal Nanook’s trusty bear. He’ll probably be passed out drunk anyway, Nanook is a lush. So if you plan on going out this winter, stay warm, get drunk, and bring an Eskimo chick home with you. Don’t let a below-zero temperature scare you. After all, Vodka has a lower freezing point than most alcohols, and alcohol warms you up. It’s the perfect combination.
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Colorado Students Reach Record Highs BY: CARLOS DANGER Although Amendment 64 legalized the consumption of marijuana in Colorado for recreational purposes, this January marked the beginning of legal distribution on a commercial level. Interestingly enough, Coloradan universities have received 100 times their usual number of applications for the fall semester, while other schools across the country have seen significant drops in applicants. This trend should come as no surprise to anyone; marijuana has always been synonymous with higher education. As the adage goes, “Hit the bong before the books. Then hit the bong again, but tamp the bowl down first to make sure it lights.” According to our super-secret sources, the rise in applications was, at first, overwhelming to these mountain-side educatoriums. That was, of course, until overzealous hopefuls started sending their full four-year tuitions to the schools in advance. With the large sums of money piling up like hot cakes, these pot-friendly learning hubs began to expand their universities. The University of Colorado Boulder, for example, now takes up most of the city of Boulder, with the town square becoming their new Botanical Sciences Wing. It seems to us at The Black Sheep that the state of Colorado is well on its way to becoming one gargantuan party school. Other universities around the country are reeling at the news; our clandestine reports indicate that the absurdly small number of applicants to anti-marijuana schools, including Illinois State, is going to leave many universities bankrupt by fall of 2015. In order to raise application levels, some institutions have begun lobbying to legalize other illegal drugs in their state. If successful, states like Georgia and Florida, long-known for their peach and orange crops, could become the states most famous for their delicious heroin and sweet, sweet ecstasy. Other more reasonable states (that aren’t filled with a bunch of dumb hicks) like good ol’ Illinois have begun looking at other, more reasonable recruitment methods. Recently, Illinois State University hired public relations consultant Ziggy Moonchild to help appeal to the “alternative crowd” and to correct the school’s “whacked out chi flows” through the scientific art of Feng Shui. When asked for a brief word, Mr. Moonchild had the following to say about his plans for updating the school’s image: “Well, the whole campus is like, really big, man. I don’t know. It seems pretty easy to get lost. That’s some scary stuff there. I’m thinking we like, you know, make it smaller and stuff, you dig? More cozy. And I think
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Inspiring stuff. Still, whether you puff-puff or pass, it’s clear that the perception of marijuana usage is changing, and with it, the educational landscape. It is still unknown whether this change will be for the better or worse, but one thing is for certain: ummm… crap. Let us get back to you. Wow, that Ziggy guy has some good shit.
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Make Your Group Project Family Love You BY: BOB RODRIGUEZ
You noticed way back during syllabus week the dreaded phrase “group project” in that unholy document that lets you know exactly how much class-skipping you can get away with, your syllabus. And if we know anything about college, it’s that group projects are worse than RAs. Group projects are always easier when someone else does all the work for you. Keeping that in mind, TBS has come up with a few suggestions on how to make everyone in your group like you more than Paula Deen likes butter. First things first, personal hygiene is over. The key to making a lasting first impression is to smell like a solid three weeks of body odor. Nothing says I’m going to hardcore sexually fantasize about this person for the rest of the semester like the smell of expired cod fish, cigarette smoke, and unexceptional living standards. Everyone loves stewing in his or her own filth, so don’t be shy. Hot yoga three times a week, sans shower? No problem! Adopting seven incontinent orphan pussycats that need a loving owner? There’s nothing better to have in a onebedroom apartment! By the time your group project deadline nears, you’ll be the envy of all your classmates and able to say with confidence, “Take that, Ke$ha.” You could also try staging a revolution. There’s always that one group member who loves the sound of his or her own voice, but unfortunately this individual is too blinded by self-involvement to understand how dumb they actually are. This person will try to control the group’s behavior, handwriting made up words like “supposably” and “prolifergate” all over a poster board. Make it your job to conspire with the other group members regarding a violent revolt against the cretin dictator. That way you can become the new dictator and tell everyone what to do
while you sit back and watch the commoners work. You’ll be popular in no time, respected for both your maturity and strength of character. Plus, like, everyone knows you’re better than the peasants you’ve been assigned to work with, so this is without a doubt the ideal situation for everyone involved.
BARTENDER of the WEEK Relationship status: Taken
If the opportunity should present itself, borrow money from each group member and “promise” to pay them back. Remember how you felt when that one homeless guy came up to you and asked to borrow twenty dollars? It’s a fact—humans love when strangers ask for money. Even better, we all love loaning money to people we have no personal involvement with. Soon enough, though, your group members will start pestering you to pay them back, and that’s when you’ll seal the deal. Attracting friendly conversation using your personality is overrated, anyway. The best news is that if you never pay them back, they’ll be forced to maintain contact with you for a several solid months until they give up. Who knew making friends was so easy? Oh, that’s right. You did.
Major: Business Administration Favorite drink: Anything sold by Dan Taylor Favorite shot: Alaskan Oil Spill Disgusting drink: A Fisherman’s Loogie What subculture are you secretly obsessed with?: Classical Mythology Invent a holiday, what would it celebrate?: Texas day! Everyone would have to dress like a cowboy and drink beer. Why do birds fall in love?: To make little baby birds.
Of course there are many other ways to guarantee respect and camaraderie from your fellow group members—posting a daily selfie on the group project Facebook page, talking about how superior your religion is to that of your fellow group members, and eating with your mouth open, among other things.
Vaguely threaten your worst enemy: Shut up Tyler!
The truth is there is no such thing as a successful group project. Most end in a two to three month period of deep hatred toward humanity despite the shitty or wonderful grade you may have received. However, on the plus side, at least you’ll have yet another reason to have that “round one of grades is over” drink, or seven.
Are you always this insufferable?: Yes, especially when I’m working.
What element on the periodic table best represents you and why?: Hydrogen, because I’m number one!! What’s the last lie that you told?: That I’m number one.
JACK of Drifter’s
Why should people read The Black Sheep?: It’s free, I’m in it, haha I don’t know.
RECIPE for DISASTER
DRINKING GAME Questions
Easy Pizza Casserole
You always think you want to play Truth or Dare, mostly because you really hope to see Jennifer’s sweet ta-tas because you’re a big ole’ perv. When it gets down to the traumatic truths or the drop-trou dares, no one does it, no matter how drunk they are. So play Questions, where you get to be a little bit more of a coward until the booze kicks in, and even then you can continue being a big wuss.
Make this easy casserole one afternoon so your roommates have a hot, delicious dinner when they come home from class, and watch the good karma just roll in.
What You Need: Beer or mixed drinks, a solid imagination, and all of the friends. Players: Two would work, but the more the merrier. Level of Intoxication: Betsy might cry when she says she doesn’t know what a money shot is, but that might just be because she’s a sensitive drunk. How to Play: - Everyone grabs a beer or makes a mixed drink, something that you can drink a lot of without getting too crazy too quickly (like, don’t use shots). - One person is deemed the Questioner. The Questioner addresses another player by name and poses a yes or no question, which they must answer without hesitation. - Get creative with your questions, which can transcend all categories. Anything from “Have you ever had sex?” to “Do you approve of what that bigot from Duck Dynasty said about gay people?” works in this game. - The answerer then becomes the Questioner and must ask another player a question immediately. - Repeating questions in not allowed, nor is laughing before answering or asking to repeat the question. - The first person to violate any of the rules has to take a drink. That person then becomes the first Questioner of the next round. The Game Ends When: Bill questions Betsy: “Do you want to have sex right now?” Hey guys, she’s going to find out what a money shot is!
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What You Need: 2 pouches of buttermilk biscuit mix, 1 cup of water, 1 jar of pizza sauce, 1 package of pepperoni, 2 cups (or more… probably more, definitely more) of shredded mozzarella cheese, 1/2 cup(s) of any other pizza toppings you’d like (we suggest pickled jalapeños). Cook Time: 35 minutes. Fatty Factor: It’s homemade -- that has to count for something! Let’s Get Baked: - Preheat your oven to 375 degrees. Spray a 13x9-inch glass baking dish with cooking spray. - In a bowl, stir your biscuit mix and water until soft dough forms. - Drop half of the dough by spoonfuls evenly in the bottom of the baking dish. The dough probably won’t completely cover the bottom of the dish, but don’t stress. - Drizzle about 1 cup of pizza sauce over the dough. Arrange 1/2 of the pepperoni slices (and any additional toppings you’d like) evenly over the sauce. Top with a handful of cheese. - Repeat layers with remaining dough, pizza sauce, pepperoni and cheese. - Bake 20 to 25 minutes or until golden brown. Cut into squares and serve with leftover keg beer. If you’re being super smart you’ll make one of these puppies while you’re pre-gaming, so when you get home from the bar you’ll have your pizza in less time then calling the stoned pizza man. You’re welcome for all the love your roommates will give you.
NOMNOMNOMNOM THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
THE BLACK SHEEP INTERVIEWS The Makers of
: D A D O T C O
H C T A C T S E I L DAD By: Quinn
The Black Sheep: You’re bringing comedy to a new medium in video games. Was your initiative from the beginning to make a game as wacky and slapstick as it is challenging, or did that come together with Octodad? Phil Tibitoski: Really, we were just trying to make something new and weird – something that hasn’t been done before. A lot of us had only really just met each other on the first game, so a lot of it was just finding out that we’re all --at least we think-- pretty funny and weird people. And so the humor just came out through there, and choosing Octodad as the project to go for was obvious because we’re all pretty funny, and we figured we’d have fun working on it. TBS: So how did the idea of controlling an octopus who’s trying to play off being a human come up? Phil: The original idea behind Octodad as a concept is a meld of Being John Malkovich — being in someone’s head and controlling them, in really small, weird movements, kind of micromanaging — and a game called Jurassic Park Trespasser, which is this first person Jurassic Park-themed game where you have a lot control over the character’s arm, and it’s all physics based, but it just ended up being this hilarious disaster rather than a cool feature. So we took those two ideas and combined them. Originally you were an alien or an octopus inside an android’s head, but from there we spit around ideas and thought “Why don’t we just put the octopus in a suit?” because it would be funnier and more weird. And we all just ran with that with “Well what if he has a family, and since they don’t know he’s an octopus he has to act like a normal human, trying to keep from revealing himself to them and the rest of the world?” TBS: How did you create a control scheme that would both work and fit the awkward sloppin’ around of Octodad? Phil: We prototyped a bunch of different ways to do it — whether he just dragged his feet around or mimicked how an octopus would actually walk on land. Eventually we found a way that allowed for full free movement. You only raise or lower the arms when you want them to, and then for the legs it’s like a marionette where you hold his leg and move it to a position, then when you release it drops. So when we figured out how to do both upper and lower body, we decided to make it into more of an adventure or story game.
TBS: Testing the game had to be infinitely more frustrating than playing the perfected version, how many times did someone have to go like, take a walk? Phil: There was one time our advisor was playing through an early vertical slice of the game, and by the time he was done it took him 45 minutes — something that took us like a few minutes. And we were like “Yay, you won!” because there wasn’t really an ending, but he was like “No. I’ve lost. I’ve lost 45 minutes of my life.” So we went through a lot of iterations as to what feels good or is too frustrating, or not frustrating enough. If you play a first person shooter or whatever, you can then go and play any version of those games and get the gist on how to run around and play. With our game everyone starts from square one and has to learn themselves. With Octodad: Dadliest Catch we did a good job of doing that within the first 2 minutes, and after that everyone pretty much gets it.
TBS: Being a physics-based game where basically anything in a room can be knocked around, were there any points where you stopped and thought “Oh shit, we’re in over our heads here”? Phil: That happens pretty much everyday, where one of us will be like “Oh God what have we done? What are we doing here?” Especially because it’s kind of a big thing for us to go after for our first commercial game — wholly 3D, physics-based puzzle-adventure action-ish game. But that’s also why it’s taken us a couple years to get where it’s at now. And we still have some problems from time to time, but really with this sort of game it ends up being more in our favor than anything, because it’s usually a funny thing that happens if anything does go awry. TBS: What’s new in Octodad: Dadliest Catch? Phil: Well, in the first game you were confined to his house, but in Octodad: Dadliest Catch you actually venture out into the world, like an aquarium or a grocery store, and you’re more involved with people in the public rather than just your family. Your family is a lot easier on you in understanding how weird you are, but the public isn’t as forgiving, so the suspicion this time around is much more brutal in getting to your level or completing the tasks you set out to do. So if you’re in the grocery store and you knock over a whole shelf of cereal and there are people watching you, your suspicion levels will raise more than if you were at home and bowl over your wife’s flowers, and the circumstances are much more dire. We also have a full story. The first game’s story was done in the last two weeks of development just to tie the levels together and make sense of the game — whereas this one we have fully animated 3D cut scenes in the game, among other things. The production value has gone way up and the controls, although you control him in the same way, are a lot smoother now. It’s just as weird and awkward as it was before, but we got rid of a lot of bugs.
We chatted with Phil Tibitoski, President and CEO of Young Horses, the award-winning indie game designers behind Octodad and the upcoming Octodad: Dadliest Catch. In the Octodad video game, one sloppily attempts to control an octopus who’s posing as a man. Check out more at OctodadGame.com, and follow the designers @YoungHorses on Twitter.
TBS: Does he get any closer to completing his “Important Mission”? Phil: Yeah, we better explain Octodad’s priorities, and why he’s doing what he’s doing… where he comes from and how he came to the position he’s in. But there’s still a lot of mystery left up to the fans to try to think of how the hell this happened, because we think it’s funny to hear people’s interpretations.
DRINKIN’ SNOWMEN
There are 10 beer bottles in this sea of snowmen. Can you find them all? Email us at backpage@theblacksheeponline.com. If you’ve identified them all correctly, you’ll win a prize!
the wordsearch
the top words of 2013
Selfie Fail Hashtag Surveillance Drones Deficit Sequestration Emancipate Filibuster Nano Twerking Deadlock Franken Meme Stalemate TheCloud Phony Comet The Optic Pontifex
IF YOU DON’T START FOLLOWING US
WELL, YOU’LL JUST BE
MISSING OUT.
@BLACKSHEEP_ISU HEY, STALK US ON FACEBOOK WHILE YOU’RE AT IT:
FB.COM/THEBLACKSHEEP99 15
the madlib
so, about that new years resolution
When the clock struck midnight — well, after the ___1___wore off, like, ___2___days later — I was all about my New Year’s resolution. Because 2014 is the year of change. I’m going to lose ___3___ pounds, I’m going to 4.0 my ___4___ class, I’m going to finally land my dream internship at ___5___, and I’m going to find the love of my life. I thought I’d be able to accomplish all of that in a few months! But here we are, and the past few months haven’t been perfect, but we can’t have it all! So the losing weight thing… yeah, that’s not going to happen. Between my roommate working at ___6___ and my friend having a pass to __7___, I was pretty much screwed. Plus, for Christmas my mom got me a ___8___-of-the-month club, so that’s really nice too.
lowed by ___12___, then some shots of ___13___. By the time we got to the bar, I was 50 shades of ___14___ and ended up staying the night at the celebrity’s assistant’s hotel room. The internship seemed a little out of range after I thought about it for a minute. Since I’m not active in any clubs or organizations, lying about being President of ___15___ and then being interviewed about it wasn’t too smart of me. But through that whole ordeal, I found my calling in studying ___16___, so I’ll chalk that one up to a win.
But one positive is that I’ve found the love of my life! No, not the assistant, but remember the hotel we stayed in? Well I was still tipsy when I stumbled out the next morning, and started flirting with the front desk guy. He took me out to ___17___ for breakAnd the whole doing-well-in-school thing. I missed fast that day, and it’s been love ever since! He even my first exam because ___9___ was doing a public- proposed… we’re getting married in ___18___! Yay, ity appearance at ___10___ and I wasn’t about to 2014!!! miss that. My roommates and I played ___11___, fol-
1) Booze 2) Small number 3) Significant number 4) Major 5) Major Corporation 6) Late-night food spot 7) Awesome on-campus cafeteria 8) Sugary cereal 9) D-List celebrity 10) Campus bar 11) Drinking game 12) A different drinking game 13) Cheap liquor 14) Slang for intoxicated 15) Your major’s biggest club 16) Notoriously easy major 17) Chain fast food restaurant 18) Summer month
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