Illinois State - Issue 2- 9/4/2014 by The Black Sheep

Volume 7

The Black Sheep

FR COU EE! LI SIN KE Y ’S B OUR UDD RO Y’S OMM NEW AT ALB E’S UM .

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

Issue 2

Drunk ISU Freshman Almost Drowns in

Ice Bucket Challenge Mishap Veronica Silverado wrote this After weeks (but what feels like months) of Facebook friends dumping freezing water on their heads to get out of donating money to charity, the ice bucket dumps almost took the life of one of our own. Kevin Hess, a freshman here at Illinois State, decided to accept the now infamous ALS Ice Bucket Challenge Friday night with treacherous results. Hess’ evening started out as many freshmen living in Watterson’s do: he went to dinner at the dining center with fourteen other guys from his floor. “I had four pieces of pizza,” Hess recalls. “And a bowl of cereal.” While at dinner, Hess received a Facebook notification. It had happened: he was nominated. He now had twenty-four hours to pretend to give a shit about something besides drinking… And complete the challenge. After dinner, Hess returned to his floor. He was shocked to find his bathroom flooded with girls who had been banished from their bathroom on the floor above by a group of surprisingly scary sophomores. Hess was put in a daze by the short skirts, flower crowns, and stench of Chanel perfume. “Next thing I knew, I was out at a party. I honestly barely remember walking there, I think someone might have slipped something in my drink or something, but I was cool with it!” Hess spent a few hours at the party and consumed a total of three and a half beers. By 11:30p.m. he was absolutely wasted and ready to return home with his roommate, Michael Besch. “We were walking down Willow when we saw some frat guys doing their own Ice Bucket Challenge in their front yard,” commented Besch. “Kevin knew that was his chance.” After a pitifully cheap bribe, comprised of $3 and a rejected hug, the group of guys reluctantly decided to help Hess with his challenge. Hess prepared himself for the hypothermia that was sure to follow by taking a few shots with his new friends. “I think it was called Fireball? I remember it tasting like burnt Cinnamon Toast Crunch plus half an asshole.” More people showed up to the house and peer pressured Hess into taking more shots. It was nearly one in the morning when Hess remembered they had yet to complete the challenge. The group made their way back to the front yard, where a drunken Besch began filming as Hess incoherently introduced himself. In the middle of his speech, the two boys holding the bucket mistook him for being ready and dumped the water on an unprepared Hess. He immediately fell to the ground and started seizing, the warmth of the Fireball proving to be completely useless now. The shock apparently set his feeble heart into cardiac arrest and he slowly began to die. Lucky for Hess, one of the bucket dumpers knew CPR, saving his young and reckless life. “The first words I heard when I regained consciousness were ‘No homo’. And I knew then that everything would be okay.” Hess later posted the video on Facebook and it got twelve likes. “It was a learning experience overall. The only thing I really don’t know is what ALS actually is. Maybe I should look into that.”

PAGE 4

PAGE 7

TOP 10: PLACES TO HIDE FROM COPS

ELDERLY BIBLE-PUSHERS FIND A NEW WAY TO RECRUIT

MAYBE ONE DAY YOU TOO CAN CROSS “HIDING IN A DRYER” OFF OF YOUR BUCKET LIST.

TAKE THE BODY OF CHRIST AND SEE GOD, MAN.

PAGES 12-13 WE INTERVIEW: MIKE BIRBIGLIA OUR CHAT WITH THE COMEDIAN AND STAR OF SLEEPWALK WITH ME.

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A FEW MORE WAYS

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BEAT OUR CAPTION!

TO KILL SOME TIME.

THE GROSS SEX EUPHEMISM OR SERIAL KILLER NICKNAME GAME!

THE METAL FANG

“’This is least deformed chicken I’ve ever seen!’ the KFC worker proclaimed before casually throwing it in the fryer.”

Tweet us a better caption and win a prize!

WORD of the WEEK

FLUORESCENTED Any person or object so strongly reeking of artificial smell that it makes one’s eyes water. After Tommy hotboxed his bathroom with Axe body spray he was so fluorescented three women were later admitted to the ER with lung infections.

The above phrase is either a gross sex euphemism or a serial killer’s nickname. Which is it? Let us know by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize! Check back next week for this week’s answer!

GUESS THE REALITY TV STAR! Whatever your dirty pleasure may be, don’t deny you watch reality TV. Above is an outline of a reality TV star, and below are three clues as to who the person is. Let us know who you think it is by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

Has a young daughter named Sophie Laurent.

Released an album, My Teenage Dream Ended.

Appeared on Couples Therapy.

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PAGE 4 • 9/4/2014 - 9/17/2014 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

STUDENT SPOTLIGHT

McCormick Rec. Center Beefcake Completely Botches Facebook Profile Picture Ulysses S. Lockwood wrote this

V innie “ The

Vibe” Giannopoulos totally screwed the pooch this time. Like some sort of technology-challenged buffoon, “The Vibe” has just recently changed his profile picture on several social media websites to what his gym-buddies, who refer to themselves as “The Legendz,” are calling “a full-blown disabrointment.” The image was uploaded to Giannopoulos’ Facebook, Twitter, “Where Buff People Meet,” and Instagram and was met with what “The Vibe” described as “totes less likes and bumps than I expected.” Giannopoulos’s profile pictures are frequently updated, and typically consist of an image of the young man with a group of friends making duck faces on the beach, at tanning salons, various bars, strong-man competitions, Jamba Juice, in a car, and in mirrors at the gym or nightclub bathrooms. It should be noted that in every single picture, the men’s arms are always exposed and flexing, they are typically wearing sunglasses, and when women are included they look like beautiful carrots with bleached blonde hair. When asked what he thought of the profile picture, Giannopoulos said, “When I took it, I honestly thought it would be something that all my followers, or as I call them, ‘The Vibe-Tribe,’ woulda’ thought was pretty cheddar.” T h e g r o u p’s Tw i t t e r a c c o u n t , “TheLegendz4Lyfe,” issued a public statement regarding the event; “Never fear bros, bitches, and legend-lovers, we r doing errthang we can to change The Vibe’z prof pic to one dat’s got dem muscles dat get bitches soaking ASAP. #TheLegendz #VibeTribe #WereHot #Titties.” When asked to explain his disappointment, Giannopoulos’ close friend Bruce Peterson, who calls himself “Juice Springsteen,” responded, “For a guy that can bench press as much as he does while wearing a tank and cargo pants, it’s really surprising that this pic turned out like it did.”

Bobby “The Blowout” McFadden has been working the hardest of all members of The Ledendz to solve the group’s dilemma. The Blowout has spent the past 10 hours “coaching my fellow bro in the science of snapping a proper ‘brofile’ pic.” He went on to explain, “It’s not just a simple flex and photograph. This is a piece of art, and so is my man The Vibe’s bod. Bitches need to see that The Legendz don’t mess around when it comes to brofile pics.” Long-time member of The Legendz and self-proclaimed leader of The Vibe-Tribe, Chad “Cheddar” Bradley, explained his reasoning for being so upset, “It just sucks to see a guy totally flop on what could have been something beautiful. I mean, he has some of the nicest abs I have ever had the pleasure of rubbing tanning oil on,” said “Cheddar” as he sighed and looked off into the distance with watery eyes. “It’s just such an unchill pic, bro.” When asked how crisis-control had been handling the issue, The Legendz stated that they were working as hard as they could to make sure that the “totally ratchet” image was removed from the internet entirely. “Ultimately, we just need to make sure that The Vibe understands what’s at stake every time he decides to post a pic of his abs, biceps, inner-thighs, shoulders, or that sweet, sweet ass to the Internet.” The Vibe has since changed his profile picture across all social media sites to one that is much more fitting of the code of his friends; an image of Giannopolous at a tanning salon wearing a bright green banana-hammock and pink lip gloss presenting his middle finger to the camera with the hashtags “#ImBack, #ManTan, #VibeTribe, and of course, #Titties.”

THE TOP TEN Places to Hide from Cops Underage drinking? Violating parole? Just afraid of people in uniform? Not to worry, we have places that are sure to keep you off of Cops. 10.) The Dryer: Here’s some good advice for the contortionist in your life. No one needs another drinking ticket and if the cops show up at your place you’re gonna need to think fast. Who’s gonna think to look in the dryer? Certainly not your mother (like after that game of hide-and-go-seek went wrong when you were a child) and definitely not the cops. So hop in the dryer, overcome your PTSD, and avoid those fines.

9.) A Bathtub: Let’s be honest, we’ve all had those nights curled up in the tub after a bottle of wine or two. Lock yourself in the bathroom with some vino and get the solo party started with some wine in a Solo. We all know that’s where you were gonna end up anyway. 8.) In a Cop Uniform: This is the only reason breakaway clothes were invented. We’re sure of it. You’ll feel like Clark Kent and look like Officer Whats-His-Nuts which is the perfect confidenceboosting combination that’s sure to get you laid. You’ll get to showcase your amazing acting skills and De Niro your way out of a ticket. 7.) In the Keg: Big kegs equal big, refreshing hiding places. Sure, their thick, metal walls seem impossible to penetrate but they said the same thing about that Christian cheerleader. Once you’re in, get snuggled up and stay there until the coppers leave. Find your center, become the booze. 6.) Pretend to Be a Statue: Think about it, who’s gonna arrest a statue? They’re heavy, smell like history, and are kind of useless to just have lying around. No one wants a weird statue kid in the back of a cop car anyway, trust us. 5.) Body Pillow: They’re called body pillows for a reason. These things are literally body-sized! Anyone can climb into a body pillow cover and meld themselves into the pillow. Don’t even act like it’s weird, you’ll avoid the cops and thank us later from your newfound pillow nest. 4.) Dirty Laundry Pile: When the fuzz walk in to the bedroom and see a pile of laundry on the floor they might be suspicious at first, but once they catch the scent of dirty gym socks and jizz rags, they won’t want to investigate any further. Sure you’ll be lying under piles of sweat and shame, but hey, it sure beats getting busted. 3.) In a Tree: Climbing trees while drunk and running away from the Po-Po is not only extremely dangerous and fun, but also incredibly cool. Wanna be a legend? Embrace your inner monkey. 2.) Under the Bed: Just hold your breath and be incredibly quiet. Right up until the officers get close to finding you, then just make scary noises and hope to God they’re afraid of the Boogeyman. 1.) Back of a Cop Car: It’s where they’ll least expect you to hide. Jennifer Green wrote this

PARTY PICS

Tweet us your #partypics, or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

ON THE STREETS WHAT’S THE MOST REGRETTABLE THING YOU’VE DONE SINCE YOU’VE BEEN BACK AT SCHOOL? Becca, Sophomore

“Blacking out when my aunts came to visit. Just kidding, I regret nothing.”

Molly, Junior

“A streaking lap around one of the buildings.”

Bri, Sophomore

“Having to get up and go to class after getting trashed on a Monday.”

Teaching Products of the Past

to Use Products of the Future

Whether it’s your teacher who’s too dumb to use the smart board or one of your parents wasting your weekends at home with their new smart phone; old people are beginning to realize that all of this newfangled technology isn’t a fad. At a time when your grandma has a Facebook and your dad just figured out how to make memes, you’re going to be forced to teach them to use their new gadgets and The Black Sheep is here to tell you how.

Step 4: If you have to download a few apps to stop their incessant old person complaining, stick with ones run by large companies. Facebook and Twitter now require full use of every aspect of your phone and tablet to use their apps, which is actually a good thing! When the NSA is spying on your parents and grandparents, it means you don’t have to worry about them. Why check up on your doddering old relatives when Uncle Sam is doing it for you?

Step 1: Write everything down. They will not remember. No matter how much they say “I understand, I’ll remember” they don’t and they won’t. Look at our list here, you see it? Make exactly this. You cannot be too specific, assume they know absolutely nothing! Because they know absolutely nothing!

Plan B: Sick of being a good person and trying to help these old people who waited way too long to catch up with technology? Tell them to do something that will break whatever they’re using, but make it subtle. When they bring it to Geek Squad to fix it, you don’t want those nerds ratting you out. Avoid things like “dunk it in a glass of water” and let them do the heavy lifting; saying things like “clean the screen, and don’t be shy with the water” will work just as well. Or try telling them it might not be working because of a loose wire, “that’s right Nana, squeeze it really hard and shake it to put everything back in place”.

Step 2: Don’t say things like “power button” or “folder,” describe it like they would describe it. It’s not “the home button” it’s “that little doohickey that looks like a housey.” Pretend you’re literally talking to children; children who are old, senile, and maybe have PTSD. Step 3: Only teach them the bare minimum. Don’t show grandma how to buy things on her phone or even download apps. The in-app purchase is the new Nigerian prince. If they want that new app that they heard about on Fox News, just tell them it doesn’t work on their phone. Blame the fact that it doesn’t work on whichever politician/race they dislike the most. “Sorry Grandpappy, I guess Obama and the Jews don’t want you to play Candy Crush.”

Honestly, it’s not worth it to help these old fogies use technology that becomes obsolete the moment they learn to use it. That’s the point of technology, it evolves. Imagine the day that Reddit, Tumblr, and Pinterest are all filled with old people. Will you be using them anymore? Take our advice and keep up with the trends, no matter how stupid. To borrow a phrase from Ferris Bueller, “Technology moves pretty fast, if you don’t stop and look around you might end up too stupid to use a fucking phone.”

Scoop Chang wrote this

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Elderly Bible-Pushers Find a New Way to Recruit Jennifer Green wrote this

Throughout the year, various religious groups visit Illinois State to spread the word of God, try to convert nonbelievers, and to talk to students about their religion. Whether they come bearing Bibles to hand out or megaphones to shout from, nearly everyone has seen or heard them. This year, however, these devious devil dispellers returned to ISU with less than heavenly intentions. On Sunday, instead of preaching the heavenly word, a certain group of geriatric religious recruiters were spotted slipping some dabs of paper into hollowed out Bibles in an attempt to force students to gain a religious perspective. All week long these liverspotted liars handed out Bibles to these respectable, young students, who, from either guilt, pity, or some strange combination of the two, couldn’t help but accept the token of faith. Once in the hands of the young and impressionable, the men also gave

the students a slip of paper that read, “1. Take the body of Christ. 2. See God.” In the midst of the chaos and euphoria, The Black Sheep caught up with President Dietz to get an official report of the situation. “As if I didn’t have enough on my plate. Now I’ve got these doped-up college kids running around yammering on about God and religion. It’s like a goddamn HBO special up in here.” When asked about the older men handing out the Bibles and the actions that will be taken against them, Dietz said, “Oh, those men of God? Psh, more like men of fraud, if you ask me. Ha! Good one, Dietzy.” After pausing to give himself a high-five he continued, “Anyway, those Jesus freaks are old as shit. What are we gonna do about it? Tell them to leave? I don’t know about you, but I’m not in the mood to get a talking to from some ancient codger. I know how old people work. One second we’re on the same page and the next it’s ‘uphill both ways’ this and ‘back in my

day’ that. Fuck that noise.” ISU students had a good amount to say as well. Senior Greg Garrett told The Black Sheep, “They just looked like normal old dudes ya know? I can’t walk by oldsters and just ignore them, so I took one. I was bored in class so I decided to open up the Bible just for shits and gigs and the first thing I saw was a tiny slip of paper with Jesus on it. Now, this might sound a little crazy,

“The men also gave the students a slip of paper that read, ‘1. Take the body of Christ. 2. See God.’” but I mean, c’mon, I was in math class what else was I gonna do? Pay attention to the lecture and not eat a tiny Jesus

paper? I’m no fool. So, I ate the thing and within 30 minutes, I shit you not, I saw God. It’s almost like…we were trippin’ together, as one. It was the most beautiful experience of my life, bro.” Sophomore, Veronica Hanssen, agreed saying, “I generally don’t take things from strangers, but I don’t know if it’s because they were associated with religion or just because they were old and I have daddy issues, but whatever it was, it just felt right to take the Bible and listen to them. And hey, maybe I didn’t replace my daddy, but I did get a

new dealer. In a way, I think I really did get saved that day.” Since the incident, ISU’s campus Christian clubs have increased tenfold and have not only gained more recognition among students, but have even attracted a few celebrities that tend to participate in religious fads such as Kabbalah and Scientology. The old men who started it all are now frequently seen around campus, preaching the word of God, handing out Bibles to non-believers, and tripping balls with their fellow worshippers.

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Hero RA Breaks ISU Record Black Sheep Staff wrote this When Derek Nussbaum first heard of the opportunity to become a Resident Assistant, he was astounded that such a prestigious honor would ever be placed in the hands of essentially anyone who applied. In fact, fearing he was not up to the task, he initially decided not to apply for the position at all. However, after being assured it was “really easy” and that “anyone could do it,” Nussbaum eventually relented and accepted a position in Watterson Hall. “It’s an honor and a privilege to accept this position,” said Nussbaum at an entirely empty press conference where he used an upside down tennis racket for a microphone. “And I vow to never dishonor the coveted tradition of service, or break the sacred code of RAs,” a code which is, of course, fictitious. After a summer of intense training for his upcoming task, Nussbaum was finally ready to undertake life’s most difficult challenge. Despite his vast preparations, Nussbaum was admittedly nervous for his first day on the job.

“I just don’t want to let anybody down,” said Nussbaum. “My father before me was an RA, and his father before him, so if I fail, it will put dishonor on the Nussbaum name.” Nevertheless, Nussbaum took to it like a chimp to throwing feces, attacking residents with the voracity of an angry rhinoceros. On only his first night as RA, Nussbaum wrote up fifteen residents for failing to attend the first hall meeting, which took place at 11p.m. on Saturday night of move-in day. It wasn’t long before the miscreants of the hall struck again. “I was patrolling the halls at 10:01 on Sunday for my first of seven hourly patrols when I heard a faint sound,” said Nussbaum. “After pressing my ear up to the door for five or six minutes, I finally heard the deplorable sound of laughter and had no choice but to act. I entered the room to find the perpetrator of this heinous atrocity, sitting, watching television alone. He pleaded for me to not write him up, but quiet hours start at 10:00 p.m., and it was 10:06 when I heard him make a sound. It may sound harsh, but it’s the rules. Some people

were trying to study. The start of classes was only three days away.” However, it wasn’t until the following night that Nussbaum achieved his greatest citing to date. At reportedly around three in the morning, Nussbaum, making one of his endless nightly patrols, heard an unmistakable moan a few doors away. Instinctively, Nussbaum sprang into action, barging through the door to find two students nude and in bed together. “It’s just reprehensible and disgusting behavior,” said Nussbaum. “To think that two people would be doing that in my building. I mean, visiting hours are over at midnight on weekdays, and it was after 3a.m. Plus, the female non-resident hadn’t even been checked in at the front desk.” By the end of the week, Nussbaum had compiled a total of 146 citations, shattering the previous record of 5. In fact, Nussbaum even wrote himself two citations over the record setting week. Once for accidentally flipping off his

“Nussbaum even wrote himself two citations over the record setting week.” light switch four seconds after the start of quiet hours, and another for getting a couple drops of urine on the toilet seat of the communal bathrooms.

Shauna Bowers to settle down with the citations. “He’s been writing up over a dozen students a day,” said Bowers. “And I can’t for the life of me figure out why.”

Of course, they say no good deed goes unpunished. Since his heroic first week on the job, Nussbaum has reportedly been asked by cowardly Resident Director

“ Why?” asked Nussbaum when approached with this quote. “Because I’m the gosh darn RA, that’s why.”

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BARTENDER of the WEEK Relationship Status: Taken Major: Public Relations Favorite Drink: Malort Favorite Shot: RumChata and Goldshlager Disgusting Drink: Irish Car Bomb What’s the last drink you had to learn how to make?: A John Daly How do you make it?: Iced tea, lemonade and vodka.

ALLI of PUB II THE DRINKING GAME KARIO MART: SELECT YOUR DRINKER We all know the basics of the Mario Kart drinking game, but any seasoned Mario Kart player knows that there’s an element of strategy outside of being the lucky sonofabitch who scores a blue shell. In this rendition, the character you select will directly impact your impairment (so listen up, try-hard Toad drivers). What You’ll Need: A copy of Mario Kart, 4 controllers, beer or liquor of choice depending on how fast you want to end this train wreck. OPTIONAL: A designated refiller to prevent “I’m gonna sit this one out” syndrome. Number of Players: 2+, or more if you’re doing it LAN party-style, in which case you probably don’t go to bars anyway. Level of Intoxication: “Mamma mia! I haven’t been this fucked up since taking my first Super Mushroom in World 1-1!” How to Play: The same Mario Kart drinking game rules you

know and love apply. Players must finish their drinks before finishing the race, and they may only drink when at a complete stop. The last player to finish must chug a whole second drink before the next race, or the 1st place player may designate the drink to whomever. The following additional rules must be done as well, and failure to comply results in the refilling of a drink mid-race. Character Legend: Mario: Player must shout “Mamma mia!” after being hit by an item or spinning out. Luigi: Player must “bunny hop,” or hop obsessively without stopping during the race (if you can correctly guess why this is, we’ll send you a koozie). Peach: Player must sit on the lap of whoever is playing as any of the following: Mario, Luigi, D.K., or Bowser. Double or tripling up on laps is encouraged. Toad: Player must speak in Toad’s high-pitched, cringeinducing voice throughout

the entire game (that’s what you get for taking a cart racing game so seriously, asshole). Yoshi: Player must stick out their tongue during every drink. This one might get messy. D.K.: Player must make the most obnoxious gorilla sounds possible/beat on chest if anyone obtains banana peels. Wario: Player must make sure that at least one hand is constantly pulling their own fake/ real moustache throughout the race. Bowser: Player must do a shot of Fireball at the start and end of every race. If no Fireball is available, just shout alongside Bowser’s gargling roar whenever he yells. The Game Ends When: Any of the following situations occur: The loser that everyone picked on is blacked out, the bars begin calling your names, someone questions the ethical repercussions of Nintendo’s use of Italian stereotypes in their mascots.

If you had to go down a Slip ‘N Slide lubed with any liquor, what liquor would you choose?: Rumple Minze because it’s thick and slimy.

Mix two animals to make your own spirit animal: A horse and a cheetah. Where have those hands been, missy?: Places you don’t wanna know about. Given the opportunity to abolish the existence of one clothing item, what do you choose?: Knee-high Converse. What old-timely slang word do you want to bring back to the mainstream?: “Where’s the beef?” What sex position most saliently describes the current geopolitical landscape?: Doggy style Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because it’s raunchy as hell.

RECIPE FOR DISASTER FRANKENSTEIN LEFTOVERS Even if you’re a complete and total recluse, it’s a given that you’ve soaked up a doctor’s recommended amount of greasiness from campus’ non-franchised, local drunk food offerings. Hell, these All-American, deep fried creations are so good that you’ve probably amassed a bomb shelter-tier selection of them in the form of leftovers from Thirsty Thursday’s past. But spending $7-10 a pop on late night cravings is a lot of money to spend, so if you want the most bang for your inebriated buck, The Black Sheep is offering a creative way to ingest the last of what’s kicking up orders in your fridge… so you’ll have room for more. What You’ll Need: (Ingredients will vary, but you’ll likely have) Half of a large cheese pizza, fries, 1 ½ chicken strips, a gyro with only a few bites in it, cheese sauce, not-so-loaded-anymore nachos, a multi-pattied cheeseburger (Philly cheesesteakstyled), brown chicken (once orange chicken), marinara-soaked stale mozzarella sticks, an oven

or microwave (if you’re daring), and some incredibly forgiving roommates. Fatty Factor: …You’re joking, right? Let’s Get Baked: - If using an oven, begin preheating to 350 degrees, or whatever the nearest empty frozen pizza box recommends. - Unload what’s left of the pizza onto the preparation area. This will serve as the base of your Frankenstein food monster. - Take the meatier, ground beef parts of your leftovers and cut them into smaller, sausage-like bits to cover the entire area of the pizza. - Crack open the mozzarella sticks in order to coat the cheese over any parts of the meat that are uncovered. This will act as a great way to embed the meat within the pizza’s cheese. - If you really want to abuse the definition of “meat lovers,” add the chicken to the pizza instead of saving it for dipping sauces. - Scatter the smaller, non-meat foods for extra flavoring. Don’t

be afraid to get creative by making faces with the fries and nachos. - Drizzle the cheese sauce/whatever dipping sauces you have to your liking on the pizza. Make sure you hit those hard-to-reach places that haven’t been hit by the cultural wave of grease yet. - Place the Frankenpizza in the oven and base its readiness on the browning (or blackening) of the crust. If using a microwave, be extremely diligent in making sure nothing explodes in hot, cheesy goodness. - Once cooked to your liking, let it sit for a few minutes to cool off before gorging. - For best eating results, get drunk… fast. For the wasteful moneybags who’ll find it far simpler to toss their precious leftovers in favor of just getting something more fresh, for shame. There are starving vegans in liberal arts colleges out there who would kill to break their code and dive into the mounds of grease that you’re wasting.

the black sheep interviews:

mike Birbiglia Logan wrote this

Mike Birbiglia needs no introduction. The stand-up comedian and writer-director-star-of Sleepwalk With Me, is currently touring nationally.

the interview: mike birbiglia

TBS: Is it as good as the stained glass one? Mike: Haha! I think it’s on the same level as the stained glass one; it’s in the ballpark for sure. Are you on Twitter right now? TBS: Logging in as we speak. Mike: Hahaha! If you’ve heard the story I did on “This American Life” about the creepy guy on the bus, it’s a little bit of an homage to that. TBS: Oh the glory! Mike: Isn’t that great? TBS: Do you make these? Do you have your hand in it? Mike: Well my brother Joe hires a bunch of designers; he is always on the lookout for like Rock ‘n’ roll poster designers, and specifically, ones that are local to where we are doing each show. This one is done by a guy named Barry Blankenship. But we have all sorts of different designers. TBS: Oh, damn, I think the bus one may take the cake over the stained glass. Mike: I know! It’s up there, for sure. The stained glass is certainly weird, and actually one of my friends pointed out on the stained glass poster that it’s arguable that I am pooping. I think that is a little liberal of an interpretation but… TBS: Hahaha! Well I wasn’t going to say anything, but people do talk… Mike: Haha, people ARE talking yeah… TBS: So you are going on tour starting pretty early in September, right? Mike: Yes, I am going on tour, God, super soon. I’m playing Brooklyn next Friday night...man it’s that soon? Then I’m going to ten more cities: York, Dayton, Cleveland, Ann Arbor, Kalamazoo, Champaign, Indianapolis, St. Louis, Chicago, and Toronto. And in the middle of all that I’m shooting a role on Orange is the New Black. So I am just busy as hell right now. TBS: When was the last time you were on tour? Mike: The last tour was “My Girlfriend’s Boyfriend,” and that was like a 70-city tour over four countries, and this one is going to be a 100-city tour, so this is the biggest tour I’ve ever done. TBS: DAMN. Mike: Yeah, I know! The crazy thing is I talked to my agent the other day and when all is said and done, we’re gonna have ended up playing 120 cities. So I am becoming the Katy Perry of comedy, which is an unexpected turn in my career.

TBS: What can you tell us about Orange is the New Black? Anything at all? Mike: I can’t! I’m not allowed to say anything. All I can tell you is that I’m in it, but only because they’ve said that. Up until the other day I couldn’t even say that I was in it. Basically, I was living a lie –I would go to work and people would be like, “Where you going?” and I’d be like “Well, I can’t talk about it,” which made me feel like a criminal. So I can’t really say what it is but it has been super fun. Obviously it’s one of the best shows out there, and one of my favorite shows, so this is kind of a dream-come-true for me. TBS: You have your self-produced Sleepwalk With Me, by which I mean it’s your brainchild. Mike: I created it, yes: I willed it into being. TBS: I bring this up because I’m wondering if Orange is kind of you shifting gears into the more blockbuster roles that we all know you would kick ass at.

Mike: Hahaha! That is the most I’ve laughed at a question in an interview in a long time. I think it was that “we all” part of it because I’m not sure that even exists, haha! I think I’m still in that indie-niche zone where not everyone knows who I am, which I am totally fine with. I like sort of being in that niche, but I don’t know. Maybe? I’m in Judd Apatow’s new movie that we filmed this summer. Judd Apatow and Amy Schumer made a movie together and I play Amy’s brother-in-law, which is a super funny thing. It was just a blast to make. There’s Bill Hader, Amy Schumer, and actually John Cena is in it. TBS: Is that the wrestler dude? Mike: Exactly! Vanessa Bayer from SNL is in it too, who is super funny. LeBron James in it, which is just INSANE. Obviously this is very timely. I know that they actually booked him to be in it before all of the insanity went down when he became sort of the hero of America. TBS: Aside from this big-ass tour, do you have anything in line for direct-

ing again? Mike: I am writing with plans to direct two feature films right now. TBS: HALLELUJAH! Mike: Haha, this is the most exuberant interview that I’ve had where someone is as excited as I am for what I’m creating, so thank you for that. TBS: Now are we looking at these coming out in the next year…or ten years? Mike: I would say a year, but don’t quote me on that. TBS: Oh, I’m going to quote you. Mike: Haha, well don’t quote me while quoting me is what I should have said. I am hoping to have a movie out next fall. TBS: Right on. Mike: Also, If you here any background noise I am multitasking right now and doing my dishes. I’ve reached a point where there are so many dishes piled up above the non-existent line that is the top of the sink, if that makes any sense. TBS: You realize I’m in college right? That makes perfect sense. Mike: Yes, you’re not at that age, but at a certain point you have to have a little pride in your life and just lower the dish-mountain below the line. TBS: Where did you go to college? Mike: Yeah, I went to Georgetown. TBS: Do you have any unknown horror or glory stories you’re willing to share? Mike: Well, I was thinking the other day actually about a photo that someone took of me being drunk at night, being pushed in a shopping-cart down a street in Washington DC. What troubled me most about it is that I don’t know who took the photo, I don’t know whose pushing the shopping cart, I don’t know where I am or what I’m doing, and all I can help thinking is what else happened that night?! TBS: Some thing’s are just better left unknown. Mike: Yes, sadly so. TBS: Since you’ve had your hand in writing, comedy, directing, producing, acting; or basically just every aspect of life…what would you say is harder: directing or comedy? Mike: Directing, and even more so directing comedy. It’s so hard because it has so much to do with timing. You could get away with doing certain things in drama where the timing isn’t quite right, where people may say it was an artistic choice or something. But in comedy, if it isn’t working then you just won’t get a laugh. Then the people will say that it’s just not funny. There’s just not a lot of leeway in film comedy, so I think that directing film comedy is the hardest thing you can

do. That’s part of the reason people revere Judd Apatow for that. TBS: When does the “Thank God for Jokes” tour end? Mike: I’m not sure. I’m doing 100 cities this year, then I’m gonna shoot a film that hopefully will come out in the fall, then I’ll probably do a few more cities with this show, and then film that as a special which will probably come out in 2015 or 2016. It’s so weird these numbers we’re talking about as far as years. What year were you born in? TBS: ‘92 Mike: See that’s reasonable. I was born in ’78 so when we start talking about 2014, 2015, 2016; it’s just crazy. When I was a kid we were talking about what was going to happen in the year 2000 and how different the world is going to be. Now we’re living in ’14, and it’s unthinkable. TBS: When you were… Mike: On a side-note to keep you updated on the dishes thing –I’ve gotten the mountain down, and now it’s got that crazy sludge water effect and now I’m trying to get the sludge-pond, if you will, so that the sludge gets down into the receptor so I can actually pull the sludge out and throw it into the garbage. TBS: Godspeed man. Mike: Yes; that is the status-report on my kitchen. Please go on with the question. TBS: When you made Sleepwalk With Me, did you always know it would be you starring in it? Or were you thinking of casting like, Zach Braff or something? Mike: Wow, well not him specifically, but it did crossed my mind, like, “Oh, I guess it will be Jimmy Fallon being me.” You know, someone who is better looking and more talented, but it was a little bit like a Sylvester Stallone and Rocky situation where I wrote this script, I’m producing the movie, I think I’ll just play this part, because no one would ever cast me in this part so I will hold out. By the way, that’s probably where the Sylvester Stallone comparison probably ends. TBS: If you couldn’t be an entertainer of some kind, what would you be? Mike: I think I always wanted to be a comedian, a rapper, or the owner of a pizza restaurant where third graders could hangout –those were my goals –or maybe a poet or teacher. Yeah, probably an English teacher is where I would have landed. TBS: Well we here can’t imagine you doing anything else, that’s for damn sure. Mike: Well good, haha, thank you. Well, I have to run and finish writing these movies. the interview: mike birbiglia

The Black Sheep: So, what is up? Where are you right now? Mike: I am in Brooklyn, where I live, and am just about to tweet the official Brooklyn tour poster. Don’t know if you’re on Twitter, but it’s pretty cool. It is one of my favorites of the tour posters.

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LET’S PLAY SQUARES!

THE SCARY SSSSNAKES CROSSWORD Across: 1) Named after a common house pet, M’eow? 5) The Joakim Noah snake. 6) This snake is named after something smaller and squirmier; think bird food. 7) This one commands legions of loyal followers with its cool hood and venomous bite. 8) A bride-to-be may wear one of these bad boys on her leg. 9) Flex this big bad snake after you get pumped in the gym. 11) These snakes ain’t seein’ shit. 14) This rattler shares a symptom with many a stoner. 16) Kobe Bryant nicknamed himself after this snake.

4) Blue plus yellow and you have yourself this kind of snake. 5) A creatively-named snake with black stripes. 10) If this snake was a chess piece, it could move one space in any direction. 12) Pop on some feathers and wear one to the fanciest ball in town. 13) Kind of like slippers, but more Native-American, we suppose. 15) This snake shares a name with something found in the Great Barrier Reef. 17) We’re guessing this snake doesn’t do a body good.

Down: 2) Ice Cube and Jon Voight once starred in a move featuring this fearsome Amazon constrictor. 3) This snake loves one of them southern boils with tiny lobster cousins.

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