Illinois State - Issue 2 - 1/30/2014 by The Black Sheep

Vol. 6, Issue 2

The Black Sheep THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE

FRE E THE ...LIKE END THE OF T PRE HE C TZEL HEX S AT MIX .

1/30/14 - 2/12/14

DISASTER STRIKES AT SUPER/PUPPY BOWL DUE TO SCHEDULING CONFLICT BY: ISSAC DREIDELSCHLEITZE EAST RUTHERFORD, NEW JERSEY – In a dramatic turn of events, hundreds of football players and puppies were admitted to St. Ballsack General Hospital today after a fatal scheduling conflict. Due to the deadly snafu, Super Bowl XLVIII and the Puppy Bowl were scheduled not only on the same date and time, but in the very same venue. Sources say that organizers of both the Super Bowl and Puppy Bowl had simply forgotten when and where the other event was, and scheduled them without double-checking. The game started out like any other Super Bowl. Fans rolled in with their faces painted and wearing their favorite team’s jersey. However, they were surprised to be joined in the stands by hundreds of animals. Cats and dogs made their way through the crowd to their reserved seats at MetLife stadium to sit alongside the fans to watch the game. When the players came out, several puppies hurried out of a locker room tunnel on the opposite side of the stadium. Thinking it was a gimmick, players from both the Broncos and Seahawks brushed it off and started the game as normal. However, the puppies remained on the field, and the first snap of the game had horrifying consequences. As soon as the ball was hiked, a golden retriever leapt towards Peyton Manning, biting his arm right off. A yellow flag flew in the air from one of the refs and a miniature poodle caught it in its mouth. “Unnecessary Ruffness,” barked the referee, who was originally hired to work the Puppy Bowl. Intrigued and confused by what was happening, NFL fans and officials on the sidelines didn’t stop the game. The madness of the game was happening too fast, as 1-year-old Australian shepherd named “Biscuit” intercepted the ball and ran it back for a touchdown. An NFL referee ruled the play dead, since Biscuit was not only not human, but also not wearing a designated uniform. However he was quickly overruled by a Puppy Bowl referee, who aptly pointed out that nowhere in the NFL rulebook does it say that a dog can’t play football, logic that also overrules the uniform penalty. This play, along with Peyton Manning’s severed arm, forged a wedge between humans and dogs on the field, and all hell broke loose. One play saw Russell Wilson proceeded to kick every whimpering pug, golden retriever, and sleeping puppy dalmatian out of his way en

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TOP 10: WAYS TO DEAL WITH THE TUNDRA CALLED ILLINOIS STATE

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route to the endzone. Another play broke out in violence when a chocolate lab puppy attempted to pounce on the football, but being too small rolled off to the side while the Broncos center Manny Ramirez was trying to hike the ball. Ramirez’s frustration with the playful pups grew to a boiling point, and he decided to “accidentally” hike the puppy to Peyton, who proceeded to chuck the squealing dog 40 yards down the Seahawk’s sideline.

Following the game, spokespeople from the NFL and Animal Planet were very apologetic to football, and puppy football fans alike, claiming that they should have better coordinated their efforts. However, this was the highest rated Super Bowl in American television history, recording over 300 million human viewers and 12 million dogs and cats, despite the bloody desolation of puppy body parts that littered the field after the game.

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POKÉPANIC

BUZZFED NOSTALGIA THREATENS STUDENT’S LIFE

IT’S ABOUT TIME WE GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THE “DARK” AND “FAIRY” TYPES.

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WAYS TO DEAL WITH THIS TUNDRA CALLED ILLINOIS STATE BY: JENNIFER GREEN

ISU School of Biological Sciences Accidentally Clones Hitler,

“Whoopsi” says Flanagan BY: SCOOP CHANG According to sophomore biology major Cynthia Chang (no relation), the experiment started out normally, but at some point got out of hand. “I remember we had just added the baking soda the day before, Professor Nuremberg said it had to be baking soda and not baking powder for the effect to work. I really didn’t know what was going on; I was just doing what she said! The next day… that thing was there!” Before The Black Sheep could get a description of the “thing” she was talking about, she started screaming and it really hurt our ears, so we left. Confused professor Katrina Nuremberg told us that cloning Hitler was never her intention. “I-It was supposed to be an ordinary baking soda and vinegar volcano… I-I have no idea how it turned into a person, let alone Hitler! I’m not a geneticist, I’m a biologist, if anything we’d be looking at cells of the human body, not making one out of papier-mâché and clay.” The professor was fired immediately after the news broke. According to ISU’s publicity team, firing her seemed like the more reasonable option when weighed against the impending headline of “ISU Holds Nuremberg Trial over Hitler Cloning,” which even we couldn’t argue, would have been terrible press. President Flanagan seemed less worried about the news saying, “It’s an honest mistake! I mean, sometimes my wife tries to make a casserole and instead she makes crap. Sometimes you try to make a volcano and instead you end up playing God with the DNA of a deranged psychopath. It happens to everyone now and again. It’s not like the clone is killing anyone. You can’t say the same about my wife’s cooking… which, as I said, is crap.”

We spoke with sophomore plant and soil sciences major Carl Hitler, who coincidentally shares the same last name with the late dictator/ embodiment of pure evil, and it seems this isn’t his first interview. “[sigh] Every time something like this happens, everyone comes running to me, like ‘did you hear what happened?’ or ‘what did you do man?’ I’m just a normal guy! And I’m not even German, I’m Dutch-Irish. Just because my name is Hitler, doesn’t make me some crazy Nazi! Talk about prejudice…” We asked Hitler why he wouldn’t just change his name if he was getting so much grief over it, to which he responded, “Why should I change it? He’s the one who sucks! You know, 90 years ago there was nothing wrong with my name, until that no-talent ass clown started mass murdering people and taking over Europe…” After finding out that Carl Hitler wasn’t behind the terrible clone, The Black Sheep was out of ideas. Perhaps the accidental cloning of Hitler is just one of those crazy things that happen at Illinois State. Maybe it was bad luck, an Egyptian curse, or even that weird new German club with the weird flag and anti-semitic attitude. We may never know, but our readers will be happy to know that the weird, creepy papiermâché Hitler clone is long gone. That’s right, we can all take comfort in knowing that the clone just disappeared and no one has any idea where it is or who took it, so don’t ask. If anything, he’s definitely not dressed up as a sexy nurse, singing lullabies and running errands for an ISU comedy newspaper.

10.) Don’t go to class: Obviously, one of the best ways to boycott Mother Nature and her shitty sub-zero temperatures is to simply stay in bed, wrapped in an embryonic sac of blankets. If you stay warm inside you can just pretend the weather outside isn’t real and BAM, just like that, it’s spring and you’ve shed your winter cocoon for a beautiful pair of wings. Will people look at you differently for having wings? Sure they will, but ignore them. They haven’t been through what you’ve been through. 9.) Shave nothing: Everyone is bundled up, covering every inch of skin, so now is the perfect opportunity to grow out that gross body hair you keep trimming. Becoming a creature made of fur is the best way to gain a few extra degrees of insulation. Plus, letting your hair grow out will allow you to take your true form: your spirit animal. Once you’re unshaven, you will transform from everyday Rebecca to badass wolf chick. 8.) Eat everything: Ever heard of blubber? That’s right, extra fat will keep you warm as shit, and there’s also only one way to gain it: overeating. Finally you can indulge in the delicious Watterson treats without worrying or feeling guilty. Grab at least 10, no 20 to-go boxes of cookies, fries, and pizza per day. Ignore the stares of horror and just go for it. Just get fat. Fat, warm, and happy. 7.) Experiment: Experimentation will help deal with the boredom that’s sure to come from being cooped up indoors for hella long. Experimentation can range from getting bored and snorting lines of coffee grounds to crawling into bed with your roommate one night. You know, just to see what they’re into. 6.) Bonfire: Who doesn’t enjoy a good bonfire? And since it’s too cold to have one outside, bring the party to your dorm. Any old shit that you don’t want, just burn it! You and all your friends can gather ‘round, tell spooky ghost stories, roast some marshmallows, and pretend to not live in this icy, desolate hellscape. 5.) Adopt many chinchillas: Many chinchillas. All the chinchillas. These bad boys are soft as baby shit and cuddly to boot. Best of all, it is a scientific fact that chinchillas love to cuddle with their owners to keep them warm. What could possibly be warmer than 72 furry chinchillas blanketing you everywhere you go? Only 73 chinchillas. 4.) Arson: Nothing warms the soul like setting a good house on fire. This not only provides a solution for boredom, but also a great source of heat and a little insurance cash on the side if you play your cards right. Other people might not like you if you go around setting fires, but hey people don’t keep you warm, fire does. 3.) Fight club: What’s better on a frozen Saturday night than a nice beatdown? Maybe it’s because we’ve all seen one to many violent movies, but it’s undeniable that everyone enjoys a good fight. So, why not feed this urge? Get a group of friends, kick your shoes off, and take turns beating the hell out of each other. Oh, and don’t forget to record it and put it on WorldStar so everyone can see how much of a badass you are. 2.) Get drunk: If you feel like it’s too cold to go to parties, remember that dorm drinking is always a good option. A group of friends, a handle of Fireball, and a room full of sexual tension is sure to not only keep everyone entertained, but also warm some people up, if ya know what we mean. …Sex. We mean sex. 1.) Cannibalism: Have you ever looked at your roommate and thought, “Wow, he looks tasty?” This is the perfect opportunity to cure both your boredom and your blood lust. What do you mean “How does this keep you warm?” Why don’t you just shut that smart-ass trap of yours and go sit in that kiddie pool of brine before we really get mad.

AROUND CAMPUS SEND US YOUR PARTY PICS TO PICS@THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

ON THE STREETS IF YOU HAD TO TITLE A SONG ABOUT YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING HIGH SCHOOL MOMENT, WHAT WOULD IT BE CALLED?

ior Andrew, Sen

“I Was In The Marching Band”

m o re Allie, Sopho

“Slipping in Math Class”

man Edgar, Fresh

“Accidental Wet Pants (feat. The Water Fountain)”

READ MORE ONLINE THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

PokéPanic:

Pokemon Enslavement Class Offered at ISU BY: CARLOS DANGER

The infamous Professor Samuel Oak is once again causing some controversy at ISU. His newest class, “From Black to Blue: Pokémon, Racism, and You” is an in-depth analysis of the social commentary present in the ultra-popular Pokémon franchise. While some risktakers and videogame enthusiasts are looking forward the class, skeptics have questioned the validity of a class that glorifies underage gambling, animal cruelty, and keeping one’s virginity. According to Professor Oak however, the questionable content is exactly why the course needs to be taught. “The Pokémon franchise is a prominent part of popular culture – and it’s disgusting. For all that the series preaches about the bond between people and Pokémon, it’s basically slavery. The premise of the series is that ten-year-old kids are going out into the world and forcing these adorable creatures to tear each other apart for money and fame. What kind of message is that for a children’s game?” The course will focus on interpretations of the games that reach beyond the surface level. Students will write a final paper on the theme of Pokémon liberation present in Pokémon Black and White; conduct research in the White Forest where exotic Pokémon can be captured, and the Black City, where trainers can be battled for experience and drug money. “It’s not like the games are being subtle about it,” Oak notes. “I mean, they even have ‘dark’ and ‘fairy’ types now that you can ‘own’. Come on now, that’s a little messed up.” Students will be required to play every installment of the franchise starting from the beginning. Unfortunately for students looking for an easy A, the prerequisites are pretty strict: you need to have at least 5 badges before you can sign up. In addition to tests and papers, students will be required to submit their games for evaluation. Grading criterion for the games include: diversity of teams, political correctness of nicknames, financial management, game completion,

and the number of times one uses the “splash” attack. Reactions to this new course amongst the faculty at Illinois State have been mixed. While some professors support the expansion of academic pursuit to cover new mediums, traditionalists scoff at the notion that videogames are a worthwhile subject of study. Moreover, the faculty has expressed some concern in regards to Oak’s eccentricities. “Professor Oak is a brilliant scholar,” admits head of ISU security, Officer Jenny, “but he can be a bit… serious about these games. He’s been known to drop students off in the middle of nowhere on ‘research expeditions’, then tell them not to come back until they find him a Pokémon. I would do something about it, but he has tenure.” One of the nurses also voiced some concerns, “The professor seems to have some memory issues. He can’t seem to remember names, even of his family members. And recently he seems to be having trouble distinguishing between the genders. I’ve also heard students complain that he keeps taking pictures of them with his phone, mumbling about ‘putting entries in his Pokédex’.” When asked if he might be taking a children’s game too seriously, Professor Oak had this to say: “Too seriously? What, just because they aren’t real, Pokémon don’t deserve equal treatment? It’s okay to force Pokémon to live as second-class citizens just because they’re ‘fictional’? This is exactly why I need to teach this course! You lot are just like the rest of them. Why, I bet you all just love ‘training’ your Pokémon to beat up fairies, don’t you? Get the hell out of my lab, Hitler!” Several days after giving this statement, Professor Oak was found out on the Quad eating wild berries and shaking his ass at a squirrel, shouting “use your tail like a whip! Like this!” The class is still slated to be offered in the fall, pending the results of the psychiatric evaluation.

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Free Tornado for Concert Relief BY: MITCH VAGINAPUN There is only so much that can be done in the wake of a disaster. As much as kind words and sentiment are appreciated, they are limited in the amount they help deafen the whining cries of those who survived the unspeakable. True compassion is shown through action, which is why in the wake of the catastrophe, a free tornado is being provided for the survivors of the Chicago concert held on January 29th at U.S. Cellular Coliseum. “It was awful,” ISU student Wendy Setty said of the concert, “I’ve never seen such a shitshow. There were arms and legs everywhere. And the screaming, oh god the screaming,” Setty cried, her head between her hands, “they just wouldn’t stop screaming, ‘THIS IS MY FAVORITE SONG! DO YOU THINK THEY’LL PLAY MY OTHER FAVORITE SONG?!’ It was terrible.” The concert lasted for over an hour, during which time the crowd was mercilessly decimated by such Chicago hits as, “Hard Habit to Break”, “Hard Habit to Break”, and crowd favorite, “The one where the guitar is all, ‘waaah, wahwahwaaah, deedledoo’, you know?” Concert goers, submitted to the late 70s through early 80s ballads of the formerly popular band, said they had never seen anything like it. “I-I just didn’t even know that was possible,” firefighter Walt Erikson stammered, his eyes staring into the distance. “How could anything this terrible

exist? My wife, my children, they’re all gone [to the concession booth]. I know it was a free concert, but $7 for a soft drink? I used to be a religious man, but after this… I mean who knows what to believe in after something like that concert.” Thankfully, due to immense community support, the concert survivors are being given a brief distraction from the tragedy they endured by means of a free tornado. As a result of volunteer fundraising, tornado organizers were able to gather enough money to hire mad scientist Klaus Eberstark to build a tornado-generating machine. “Ze tornado machine ish very good, yah,” Klaus Eberstark said, “it vill totally be like, ‘WOOOSH! PEWPEWBAAAAHM!’ and nobody vill remember zat terrible concert.” Although there was initial debate about using a tornado to distract people from a concert that was initially organized to distract people from tornados, many concert survivors look forward to having an entertaining escape for the traumatized children. “I would rather be metaphorically gangbanged by 1,000 tornados than have to experience that again,” said concert survivor Earl Thompson. “Maybe even literally. I know that the tornado will only get the kids’ minds off the concert for a night or two, but

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hell, that’s better than nothing.” According to The Vidette, free tickets to the tornado, “can be reserved on Ticketmaster.com, as long as

they are available, and will be limited to four tickets per [destroyed] household,” or by sprinting directly into the oncoming funnel cloud while screaming, “YOU DID THIS CHICAGO. THIS IS ON YOUR HANDS.”

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Buzzfeed Nostalgia Threatens Freshman Student’s College Life BY: BLACK SHEEP STAFF Since the beginning of second semester, ISU sophomore Shannon Burkes has become increasingly caught up in ‘90s nostalgia. Sources closest to Burkes report that her sudden blast from the past occurred after she began viewing a series of Buzzfeed articles reminding the 20-year-old about the good old days, back in 1997. “She came back from break a completely different person,” said Burkes’ current roommate, Amanda Fitz. “I was late arriving back at school but when I got here, our room looked like someone’s storage room had exploded.” “There were Beanie Babies covering every inch of the floor along with a few Furbies who were awake and asking for food,” said RA Mindy Calaway. “She apparently spent her book money on copies of The Baby-Sitters Club and replaced all of her supplies with Lisa Frank trapper keepers and gel pens.” Burkes also reportedly hung up dozens of posters featuring past boy bands such

as N’SYNC and 98 Degrees as well as teen heartthrobs Jonathan Taylor Thomas and Zack Morris from Saved by the Bell.

to be respectful, to which she obliged, until a few moments later in which she proceeded to yell, ‘NOT!’”

“We had heard about Shannon’s recent habits but we didn’t think there was anything wrong with her interest in the past,” said the girl’s father. “It wasn’t until last week that we realized her situation was much more severe.”

Witnesses claim that as Professor Leonard turned his back to write on the chalkboard, Burkes pelted him with multiple Sticky Hands and wads of Big League chewing gum before running out of the lecture hall. Campus police were able to apprehend Burkes a few blocks away as she tried to escape on her Razor scooter.

In a report given by university officials, Burkes was removed for disruption of the educational environment after an incident that occurred last Tuesday during her communication class. In a statement taken by her professor, Burkes was scheduled to present a speech but arrived over 30 minutes late for class. In the 20 minutes she was present, Burkes obsessively whacked a slap bracelet across her wrist and played on her Tamagotchi, disrupting the students in her vicinity. “I’ve never witnessed such a lack of maturity in a female college student,” said Professor Leonard. “I repeatedly asked her

After a recent spike in web traffic to the Buzzfeed website, researchers have been responding to various cases across the country in which college students are experiencing abrupt changes in cognitive and physical behaviors after reading articles posted on the site. “Despite efforts to educate students through more reputable news sites and blogs, college kids today are fixated on Buzzfeed articles, primarily due to their fun GIFs and ease of reading through Top Number lists,” explained psychiatrist

Michael Dunham. Research supports that the popularity of the site is correlated with students focusing their interests and styles towards trendy pages as a way of obtaining positive feedback from their peers. It could also be the reason why Burkes’ demeanor changed so drastically. “In college, students often struggle to find their identity with so many different outlets at their disposal,” stated Dr. Dunham. “Shannon may believe that she reached her peak as a poster child of the

‘90s and therefore has reverted back to a time where she feels accepted as opposed to the stresses of college.” In light of this new evidence, the university has blocked the use of Buzzfeed on the campus’ network. In order to prevent future occurrences, students are being urged to read actual news instead of blog posts written by nostalgia-driven delusionists. Burkes is currently staying at home under parental supervision as her condition continues to be monitored.

BARTENDER of the WEEK Relationship Status: Taken Major: Science education graduate Favorite Drink: Sex with an alligator Favorite Shot: Irish car bomb Disgusting Drink: Old sashioned Build a perfect sandwich: It would be a burger — so the bun, the burger, a pineapple slice, some bacon, BBQ sauce, and a slice of pepper jack. What superpower has the most potential from a sexual standpoint?: X-ray vision, definitely. What is the silliest thing you’ve cried about?: When the last Harry Potter movie came out!

ANNA of Fat Jacks DRINKING GAME High School Reunion 2014 Here at The Black Sheep, we like to think that all friendships can stand the test of time. Starting conversations with people you haven’t talked to in years is always awkward and uncomfortable alone, but with a group of friends and liquid conversation enhancers available, it can make for the most fun and entertaining way to get blocked, reported, and hopefully slapped with a “cease and desist” message! What You’ll Need: A group of friends (preferably ones you went to high school with), a laptop, a die, and a god-tier sense of humility. Number of Players: 2+, but the more the merrier. Going alone will cause the game to go from “a blast” to “cripplingly depressing.” Level of Intoxication: Senior prom throwback. How to Play: - One player logs onto Facebook and opens their friends list. Another player must pick an old friend/ stranger from high school currently online to chat up. Roll a die. This will serve as the conversation starter: - If you roll a 1, type: “Hey! It’s been a while, X!” - For a 2: “So, like … why are we not friends anymore???” - For a 3: “Contrary to popular belief, I always thought you were the prettier rose in the thorn bush.” - For a 4: “I know we don’t talk anymore, but I REALLY need to say something…” - For a 5: “Personally, I think Y got heavier. What do you think, X?” - For a 6: “Horsepucky! In angels do we scream ‘breast milk?’ Please, save the children!” - Insert their name in X, insert someone else’s name

in Y. - The conversation must flow naturally. It must not end until each player has had a turn at responding. - If a player fails to respond within 30 seconds/does not elicit a response, they must finish their drink and pass the laptop. - The last player in the rotation may end the conversation if desired. - Once the conversation has ended, everyone finishes their drinks. Someone new must log in to their Facebook, pick a new friend and repeat the process. - Additionally, drink when the “friend”: - Displays disgust - Seems oddly into the conversation - Posts an emoticon - Uses an ellipses - Finish your drinks if you are unfriended during the conversation. The Game Ends When: Whoever’s logged in starts getting paranoid and all white-knighty. Someone’s gotta do it. This game will probably be a big influence in deciding your attendance at the reunion in 10 years. It’ll also be a nice way to clean out your 800+ “friends” list.

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A child’s laughter makes you...: Want to punch a baby! What’s the difference between geeks, nerds, and dweebs?: They’re all not as cool as the ones on The Big Bang Theory. Would you rather eat $1.00 in pennies or get a tattoo of a butt on your butt?: Get a tattoo of a butt on my butt. If you had to have a nickname that involved a piece of fruit, what would your nickname be?: Strawberry Shortcake, to keep it PG. I know you are, but what am I?: Dog shit. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: For all the specials, stories about drunk college kids, and it’s better than Twitter. I hate Twitter.

RECIPE for DISASTER Grilled Cheese Pizza You’ve just arrived home after striking out with random potential hookups left and right. Now, in addition to choosing tonight’s “adult entertainment” on your laptop, you’re forced to decide between pizza or grilled cheese to celebrate defeat. Our answer: Why not both? What You’ll Need: 8 slices of bread (yeah, you’re downing a whole one tonight), 1/4 cup of butter, 1/8 teaspoon of garlic powder, 1 teaspoon of Italian seasoning, slices of mozzarella cheese, 1/2 cup of parmesan cheese, and pizza sauce. You can toss pepperoni and other optional goodies in there if you wish. Cook Time: 20 minutes, give or take. Fatty Factor: Depends on your choice of processed foods. If you’re rocking plastic cheese and butter “spread,” be ready to throw your heart a curveball. Let’s Get Baked: - Mix the butter, garlic powder, and Italian seasoning in a small bowl. This is going to be the base spread for all your spices. - If you’re adding any meats like pepperoni, pop them in a microwave to warm them up. - Pre-heat a skillet to medium heat. - Spread your spice-infused butter on one side of a slice of bread and plant it on the skillet. Now deck out the non-butter side with whatever cheeses and meats you want. - Butter up another side of a slice and place it atop the skillet slice, butter side up. - Keep flipping until the insides are all melty and the bread is a toasty brown. - Repeat for all the remaining bread slices, cut the finished “pizzas” in half, and treat yourself to some pizza dipping sauce and a date with hyper-exaggerated videos of what tonight never was. Loneliness never tasted so good. Get used to that flavor too, you’ve got a long, empty life ahead of you.

NOMNOMNOMNOM THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

Justin s e i t i l a e b e i B

the street Now, he’s back on . em st sy e ic st ju What brity dzilla. But what if? ile that is the cele st Go rn ’s tu at e th th t, h ai ug -w ro afire indiscrimin Bieber passed th ur, probably. a, spewing atomic k for a DUI, Justin hr ee ot w M st g la in ed ht ng. One of these fo st fig re ga o, ar n ky g iso in To tt pr ng a ge yi r in te jo tro Af --des e’re certain he’d untold proportions ass in jail? Well, w s hi sit m wreaking havoc of hi g in ak ok at Bieber, m if they threw the bo

Justin Bieber Declares himself part of the aryan Brotherhood As of Friday night, roughly 24 hours after his arrest for impaired drag racing and one hour into the mandatory eight-hour “drying out period” required for all DUI arrests, sources close to Justin Bieber are indicating he has aligned himself with The Aryan Brotherhood. He managed to orchestrate a tweet from behind prison walls, which confirmed his membership in the white supremacist organization:

While it is known that Bieber was planning his retirement shortly after a dip into the R&B genre, his rejection of the genre and its fans comes as a shock to many. However, his nation of Beliebers remains unphased. “It’s like, Justin knows everything. He has such a big heart, and I love love love him so much. So if he thinks blacks, hispanics, Chinese, Jews and whatevers should go [redacted] from a fucking [redacted], then I do too,” said Chelsea Simpson, 13 of California, who retweeted Justin’s sentiments along with 63,000 other teenage fans. The Black Sheep was unable to reach Bieber for comment, besides him telling us to take our “[redacted]loving paper and shove it up [our] virgin assholes.” Further persistence saw Mr. Bieber agree to speak to us through “Hitler’s Taint,” the Miami-Dade Aryan Brotherhood’s chief: “Justin wasn’t happy with how inferior other races made him feel. He found the truth in our ways. He realized societal pressures made him dabble in R&B and thus led to his downfall. Oh yeah, and look at the officers who arrested him -- shocking -- this would have never happened if America weren’t run by a [redacted] [redacted] [redacted] [redacted].”

Justin Bieber Initiated by the Black Guerilla Family The warden for the Miami-Dade County Jail, Jeremy Caramel, has confirmed with The Black Sheep that Justin Bieber has been inducted into The Black Guerilla Family, a multi-state prison gang.

regarding the incident:

The Black Sheep reached out to the Bieber camp, and was granted a brief interview with the multi-platinum pop sensation.

Still, heavy bruising was evident on Bieber’s forearms, indicating he’d seen some physical harm during his time behind bars.

“Y’know man, growing up in Canada, I always had one black friend; now that I’ve been inducted into The Black Guerilla Family, I have a lot of black friends. It’s a cracker’s dream come true.”

“Nah, you got it all wrong, bro,” Bieber noted in our The Black Sheep exclusive, “I told Terrence-- he’s the leader-- how much I liked Tyler Perry’s Madea franchise. He, uh, he didn’t like that. I thought all black guys did; I got what I deserved, I guess.”

Within the prison gang community The Black Guerilla Family is well-known for their intense initiation process, one which submits the prospective member to brutal beatings and psychological torture. Bieber had this to say

After mistakenly being booked at the MiamiDade County Women’s Jail, Miami authorities have issued a press release confirming speculation that Canadian singer Justin Bieber has joined the jail’s Lesbian Alliance. “We have spoken with Mr. Bieber,” the release reports, “and as we look to rectify our booking mistake, we understand the young man’s reason for joining the Lesbian Alliance.” “He’s in high demand,” Lesbian Alliance spokesperson Karen LaPosha commented, “there were catcalls from them lousy straights as soon as they saw him enter those barred doors; that coif is impossible to miss.” An anonymous source corroborated LaPosha’s story, “Listen, Justin’s no stranger to a woman’s affection towards him-- he’s been dealing with that for years now, but the ladies in here, they ain’t like the ladies out there. In here, he’s not a toy, he’s a tool. Some of these straight women, they ain’t had a dick in months, or even years. You could drag the bloated corpse of James Gandolfini in here and some’a these ladies would pay half a pack of smokes for a ride.” LaPosha was quick to note that Bieber

has oftentimes struggled to fit in with the Lesbian Alliance: “Yeah, he’s used to getting manicures and pedicures and all of that--listen, most of the women we run with, they don’t even wash their hair with soap, they use lye. When he asked if there was a waxing facility here in jail, one of our members laughed so hard she threw up.” All things considered, the Lesbian Alliance has been a boon for Bieber’s safety. LaPosha left The Black Sheep with this anecdote: “We assigned him two shower guards the other day, both came back saying he looked like a naked 12-year-old male gymnast. Gross, give me a hairy piece of pussy any day.”

We asked Terrence what it was like to have such a visible celebrity join his gang. “Who the fuck is Justin Bieber?” the life-sentenced inmate wondered. Still, Beiber’s reasons for joining The Black Guerilla Family remained unclear. When pushed for a concise answer the pop celebrity was quick to reply: “Well, now that I’m in it, I can finally say nig—”

Insisting he get one final word in our “[redacted]loving newspaper,” Hitler’s Taint had this to say “Justin was the final key. In combining Aryan Brotherhood with the dedicated, white-washed masses of Bieber Nation, this country will finally be purified.”

justin Bieber aligns himself with Miami-Dade County Women’s Jail Lesbian Alliance

“Man, when you’re high off your dick on Percocet, you ain’t feelin’ shit. The gauntlet might as well have been a giggle time tickle tunnel.”

The Black Sheep will provide additional updates as this story unfolds.

El Bieber se Alinea con Mexican MAFIA DE LA PRISIÓN de Condado de Miami-Dade Nuevos reportes fuera del sistema penitenciario Miami indican que Justin Bieber de la música pop fama se ha unido a las filas de Mexican Mafia de la Prisión del Condado de Miami-Dade. La pandilla de la prisión desde hace mucho tiempo es conocido por el uso de su poder fuera de los muros de la prisión. Los rumores tienen abundan acerca de por qué señor Bieber se uniría a esta pandilla de prisión en particular, ya que él es de origen Canada. Sin embargo, La Oveja Negro fue directo a la fuente. Señor Bieber dijo a La Oveja Negro fue inmediatamente atraído por Mexican Mafia. “Tienen conexiones, yo,” dijo, y agregó “y entienden la angustia, hombre ... la angustia viene con el ser abandonado por una bella mujer como Selina.” “El corazón del hombre se rompió,” Ricardo Méndez, líder de la Mexican Mafia: Sector de Miami-Dade nos dijo. “Los fuegos de mil soles arde en el corazón de este hombre, y esos incendios fueron extinguidos cuando Selina pisoteó su amor. Estuvimos de luto por él, porque también nosotros adoramos señora Gómez.” Mientras que “El Biebs” puede sufrir una pérdida en la base de fans de esta medida, Mexican Mafia afirma que apoyará cualquier movimiento que hace, e incluso ayudar a encontrar trabajo fuera de la prisión en el cartel de la droga o el auge de la in-

dustria de la música ranchera. “Justin es sólo un muchacho, él es un ser humano, que es el hombre, sino que también es un tigre. Su alma se eleva como un águila, pero su mente está atrapada en una carcasa de plástico de la modernidad. La Mexican Mafia beliebs que prevalecerá contra la angustia de un coño perdona como Selina Gómez y la sociedad mecánica opresiva en la que floreció como una rosa en una caja de concreto. Niño Jesús llora por Bieber, así que lo celebran por hacerse tatuajes de su cara en el cuello “. Ricardo y su factor de están tratando de mover Justin Bieber hacia adelante en las filas de su pandilla, para hacerle frente a su organización. Sin embargo, no se sabe si esta historia de amor va a durar cuando la pena de prisión preliminar de Justin termina en dos horas.

THE SUPER BOWL DRINKING GAME When the Announcers....

During the Halftime Show....

Drink one when they say each other’s name. Drink two when Wilson or Manning is fellated. Drink three when Richard Sherman happens. Drink three each time the weather is noted. Drink five when they mention some NY thing.

Drink two if the camera cuts to a celebrity. Drink three between each medley. Drink five if a cover happens. Drink five for each guest appearance. Drink ten if a hat change takes place.

When the Team You Are Rooting For... Drink one when they complete a pass. Drink two for a ten-yard run. Drink two for any penalty on the other team. Drink two for any first down your team gets. Drink three for any field goal made.

Drink three for any sack your team causes. Drink four for any turnover your team causes. Drink four for any play over forty yards. Drink ten for any defensive touchdown. Drink ten if a trick play is attempted.

During the Commercials....

In Your Place...

Drink one for every hot babe. Drink three for every beer commercial. Drink four for each company you don’t know. Drink four every time animals are involved. Drink four when an adorable child is featured.

Drink two for everyone who wears a jersey. Drink two if someone uses gambling lingo. Drink three every time someone spills. Drink five when Weed Bowl is mentioned. Drink five if Peyton’s history is mentioned.

the m.a.s.h.

oh come on, you remember how to play! tally some marks on the paper for as long as your brain tells you to, then count through the whole list and cross off whatever corresponds with that number. when there’s only one left in each category, boom, that’s your future. live it, love it.

The best man is... - Aziz Ansari - Eric Snowden - Stephen Hawking - Kanye West

The biggest mistake she made was… - Making out with the priest - Taking too many selfless - Puking on the wedding rings - Being too hungover to show up

Your signature entree was… - Doritos Locos Tacos - Vegan grilled cheese - Moonshine - Special K and almond milk

He pranks the wedding party by… - Throwing bleach on the outfits - Breaking the brides’ legs - Putting acid in the champagne - Inviting the Punk’d crew to film an episode

Oh hey, look who showed up! - Blue Ivy - Grumpy Cat - George W. Bush - Michael Cera

With a side of… - Organic banana chips - Chocolate ganache - Moonshine - Under-cooked chicken

The maid of honor is... - Courtney Stodden - Khloe Kardashian - Farrah Abraham - Katie Couric

And they brought you the best gift of all: - $100,000,000 - Two passes to Medieval Times in suburban Illinois - A noisy Pomeranian - A clearance rug from Urban Outfitters

And y’all lived happily ever after… - by having multiple affairs. - hoarding kitties and puppies. - applying chapstick to each other constantly. - wearing your sunglasses at night.

IF YOU DON’T START FOLLOWING US

WELL, YOU’LL JUST BE

MISSING OUT.

@BLACKSHEEP_ISU HEY, STALK US ON FACEBOOK WHILE YOU’RE AT IT:

FB.COM/THEBLACKSHEEP99 15

the crossword famous ash(ley)s ACROSS: 3) What is Ashton Kutcher’s real first name? 5) Ashley was the most popular girl’s name in the early 90s, but was eventually topped by which name? 6) The only daying service that promotes affairs, Ashley what? 7) The day of the week occuring 46 days before Easter, two words. 9) Ash Ketchum is the protagonist in what video game? 11) If you skin is dry, you say it’s what? 13) Ash tree’s scientific name. 16) The lip-syncing sister of Jessica Simpson.

what? 5) The sister’s Ashley, Naomi and Wynonna. 8) Ashley Greene’s Cullen name is the Twilight saga. 10) Not Ashley Olsen, the other one. 12) Ashley Furniture is headquartered in this state. 12) Who plays Ashley Schaeffer on Eastbound & Down? 14) Ashley Tisdale’s character in High School Musical. 15) The Emerald ash borer is what kind of insect?

DOWN: 1) Ashley Country is one of many dry counties in this state. 2) Ashley Parker Angel was a member of this 2000’s manufactured boy band. 4) ASH is the American Society of

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