The Black Sheep
FRE E...L YOU IKE TH GAV E DU E TO MP YOU STER R G TED IRL FRI DY BEA END R .
Vol. 6, Issue 3
THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
2/13/14 - 2/26/14
LIFE OF A DEPRESSED
V-DAY TEDDY BEAR BY: JENNIFER GREEN This is the time of year when everyone around me is getting laid. Everyone. Horses, Beanie Babies, and even Goddamned body pillows are either in relationships and “gettin’ some on the daily” or dropping their standards to “get some on the occasionally.” This sex phenomenon of a holiday, deemed Valentine’s Day, has been ruining my life ever since I was first stuffed. I remember being a young, earnest teddy bear, excited for what the world had in store for me, but then I learned about what Valentine’s Day really entailed for bears like me. I’ve been gifted and re-gifted, and I’ve seen a lot of shit. My current owner is a douche named Jake who will undoubtedly give me up as a last-minute gift to some chick he just met. What’s worse, Shitty Jake wrapped me in pink ribbon. Pink ribbon? Do you think gender identity is a freaking game, Jake? What happened to the tales of yore, of teddy bears being gifted and kept for a lifetime. Being best friends with a human for years on end? Not anymore, every year it’s the same story: people give bears like me as gifts to show how much they “love” their significant other, blah blah blah. What people don’t think about, however, is what happens to us lil’ old love bears once you idiots go through your messy breakups. We suddenly go from a cherished reminder of love to a hated reminder of a cheating bastard. This is where we get screwed, and not in a good way. No one wants to keep a constant reminder of a bad memory, so what’s the obvious solution? You ungrateful bitches throw us right out with the trash. Into the dumpsters we go, and while you’re off mending your broken hearts with bad movies and Ben & Jerry’s, we end up on the Island of Valentine’s Days Past. Sure, the name may sound romantic, but let me assure you, nothing good happens in this hellhole. This island isn’t an all-inclusive resort, it’s merely a sectioned off area of the garbage heap where all of us forgotten love tokens slowly get eaten by worms and bacteria. We cute, little bears have seen things that would make you throw up your stuffing. For example, in our support group Teddy Bears Anonymous, everyone gets the opportunity to talk about what they’ve been through over the years. One bear, we’ll call him Randy (mostly because his name is Randy and I’m too lazy to change it), told a story of how he was given as an anniversary gift one year from an old man to his wife. This would’ve been fine, except they left him on the bed and later had sex on said bed. He was forced to watch old people sex. OLD PEOPLE SEX! Needless to
say, it took about five of us to calm him down from one of his teddy bear night terrors, which are notably still pretty cute. Valentine’s Day entails plenty of romantic shenanigans, but once the fun and games are over and couples realize they hate each other, us teddy bears you once cuddled with are soon to be down in the dumps, no pun
intended. Just keep in mind that one day, your beloved teddy bear will be talkin’ mad shit about you in his support group. So if you’re going to have sex in front of him, at least turn his head the other way. Yours, Alfy J. Plushington, disgraced teddy bear
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TOP 10: VALENTINE’S DAY ITEMS TO NOT USE AS LUBE
PARENTS RELIEVED DAUGHTERS DRAW THE LINE AT ORAL SEX
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VALENTINE’S DAY ITEMS TO NOT USE AS LUBE BY: MITCH VAGINAPUN
It’s my penis’ favorite holiday: Valentine’s Day! Even if you didn’t manage to convince someone to temporarily enter some sort of weird, socially-acceptable, chocolate-for-intercourse prostitution, you can’t deny that there’s as much romance in the air as there is smog in Beijing. The worst mistake you can make on Valentine’s Day is being ill-prepared for some love, be it on the receiving, giving, or both-simultaneously-to-yourself variety. Here’s our top 10 Valentine’s-themed choices for not lubing up your funtime business: 10.) An Apple: But The Black Sheep, you ask us, apples are for smoking, not for sex. That’s where you’re wrong, friend. A beautiful red delicious is not only a symbol of love across the globe, but an oft-used juice lube in times of need. However, we recommend not using any fruits, because what starts off as sweet and sexy will turn to sticky and rotting before either of you cross the finish line. 9.) A Gun: They’re phallic, metallic, and oh so hard. They make a sexy V-Day present for your hillbilly hubby, but you’ll shoot up your junk if you use it to funk.
Blo-No Restaurants Band Together to Create a
‘LONELY HEARTS CLUB’ VERONICA SILVERADO WROTE THIS With Valentine’s Day here, local restaurants are joining together to protest the beloved holiday. Many establishments, including most of those in Uptown Normal, are refusing to take reservations, make any foods that are heart-shaped, or use any kind of festive decorations or romantic lighting. Our sources tell us that D.P. Dough CEO, Dino Esposito, unofficially started this “Lonely Hearts Club” because he is currently going through a “soul sucking, dick-punching” divorce. Others rumored to join him in the Lonely Hearts Club include Medici, Firehouse Pizza, Jimmy John’s, and more. “It’s really sad actually,” remarked Craig Weaselton, a close associate of Dino Esposito. “When he’s not sitting in his office crying, he’s staring out windows at God knows what… Like every window he passes! It’s really weirding out the customers. And he won’t stop eating doughnuts.” Esposito’s decision to remove himself from Valentine’s Day has spread throughout his company and into other chains around Bloomington-Normal. Esposito finally sat down with The Black Sheep and gave us the full story on his “Lonely Hearts Club.” “Love is dead,” he told us, “And Valentine’s Day just rubs it in everyone’s faces. Why should restaurants only cater to couples, when most of us are drowning in our own filth and tears? That’s why I’m encouraging other businesses to follow suit in celebrating anti-Valentine’s Day. We’ll sell cheap, fatty foods to all the sad, lonely saps like me on Valentine’s Day. I don’t want people to eat cold spaghetti alone while watching Marley & Me over and over again like I did last year; they can come dine with ol’ Daddy Esposito and the rest of the Lonely Hearts Club.”
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Businesses that were previously on the fence about the movement have since draped their windows with black decorations, photos of actual broken hearts, or, in rare occasions, portraits of depressed clowns. Esposito’s main contribution to the “Lonely Hearts Club” can be found in the window of D.P. Dough in a large black poster that reads, “Martha Esposito is a huge bitch. NEVER FORGET.” To this exhibition, Esposito said, “Well she is a bitch. And the general public should know.” “This whole ‘No Valentine’s Day thing’ came at a great time for me,” said a managers at The Coffeehouse & Deli, Robert Jennings. “Valentine’s Day is so corporate, and I have been trying to tell people that for years. All holidays are just ‘The Man’ telling us how to live our lives. Now we’re sticking it to ‘The Man’!”
8.) Paint: This is actually an amazing lube… for exactly 10 minutes. Then it starts drying and cracking and it never comes off. If you want a lube that lasts the 15 minutes you need, try a lead-based paint! Nothing says “I died happy” like two paint-covered naked people. 7.) Lace: It’s sexy, but that doesn’t mean it’s anything more than sexy sandpaper. Keeping your underwear on for, “sexy Valentine’s lingerie sex,” is basically keeping your underwear on for, “days of chafing and bleeding.” 6.) Silk: “But silk is soft and smooth,” you say, “it’ll feel great on my genitals.” Trust us, if anyone knows about weird dry humping and underwear sex, it’s us. Let’s just say that no matter how smooth the fabric, there’s still enough friction to burn our oh-long Johnsons. 5.) Chocolate Sauce: As much as chocolate sauce seems like a fun, holiday-specific lubricant, it’s a nogo on your naughty bits. Not only will it get sticky quickly, but it’s a great way to build up yeast (vaginas are gross!). Unless you plan on being the proud parent of some chocolate bread, you should probably steer clear. 4.) Roses: They may seem like the perfect mood-setter, but that doesn’t make them genital-friendly. We don’t care if they’re already all over the bed and you’ll have to stand up to grab something else, thorns are thorns and the petals will burn until you’re red as a Hallmark card. 3.) Melted Candy Hearts: Candy hearts taste how chalk feels and, unsurprisingly, they feel like it too. Your junk won’t be covered in cute sayings like, “b mine,” “u r gr8,” and, “love 4ever,” it’ll just be covered in a searing hot, poop-colored mess of sugar and third-degree burns. Trust us; boils look a lot less sexy than you think. 2.) A Human Heart: It’s the perfect symbol of Valentine’s Day — slippery, full of aortic holes and valves, but picture this! Smooth sailing with your blood-covered sex when your saucy sweetheart slips and falls! Suddenly you have a stolen heart, a dead person, and a dorm room covered in blood. Then it’ll be more like Valentine-spent-in-prison-for-murder-and-also-stealing-a-heart-from-a-morgue’s day!
Community members and local business employees are seeing a mixed reaction. Marlene Hamilton, an employee of The Coffee Hound, is content with this Valentine’s Day-less movement. “I used to love Valentine’s Day, actually. Every year, I would get all dolled up and make my seven cats chocolate-flavored kibble, and in return they would bring me dinner… dead rats from the backyard. Things are started getting weird. I wouldn’t mind forgetting about the holiday this year, so I’m joining the Lonely Hearts Club.” As far as other D.P. Dough executives are concerned, they don’t see the corporation ever coming out with a heart-shaped calzone again. “Heart shaped calzones are dumb,” Esposito commented. “They just looked like testicles. Who wants to bite into a big doughy testicle that bleeds marinara?”
1.) Regular Lube: What, is romance dead? You’re not even going to mix it with food coloring or anything? We guess it works great it you’re trying to break up with someone on Valentine’s Day, but a nice card might be more appropriate. Nothing says “this night, and our love, is meaningless” like not trying something so ridiculous it’ll probably land you in the hospital. And that’s not what you want to say if you’re trying to get tasty treats.
AROUND CAMPUS SEND US YOUR PARTY PICS TO PICS@THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
ON THE STREETS If you were throwing an Anti-Valentine’s Day party, what song would you blast? Brendan, Junior
“‘Burn,’ by Eminem.”
Jennifer, Sophomore
“‘Single Ladies,’ by Beyoncé”
Mike, Junior
“‘Fat Bottomed Girls,’ by Queen “
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REDBIRD PARENTS RELIEVED TO KNOW THEIR DAUGHTERS DRAW THE LINE AT ORAL SEX “Well, y’know, she’s our little girl and we just want to see her making the right choices,” said farmer and part-time preacher Harold Tiller, father of freshman Mary Tiller. “It’s a different world from when her mother and I were young, but we trust our daughter is mature enough to do the right thing for herself, God, and maybe even her poor ol’ parents too,” he laughed, as his leathery hand squeezed his wife’s. “Just because we didn’t go to college doesn’t mean we’re oblivious to the fact that young people want to ‘get together’ after a night of drinking beers,” Betty Tiller added. “We just hope that those sweet young angels, and especially our daughter, have the good sense to call it a night after going down on each other for a while.” “Now, if we had our way, there’d be a lot less than that going on, I’ll tell you what,” injected candy store owner and father of two Redbird Ladies Burt Saltman, as some other dads chuckled uncomfortably. “We wish they’d stop at hand stuff like all of us God-fearing parents did. But we’re not a bunch of stuck-in-their-ways old fuddy-duddies, we can certainly understand why kids today want to end the night with hugging and kissing and then giving or receiving a blowed-job.” “That’s our compromise, and we have complete faith that our sweet cinnamon bun will hold up her side of the bargain by keeping her shame covered and shut tight,” continued his wife Peg. “To everything
but faces and fingers, like my pastor would always say. We don’t think it’s asking too much.”
STUDENT DRESSED AS CUPID SHOOTS ARROWS OF LOVE AT CLASSMATES, 12 FATALITIES Billy Everyteen was just your average student from Illinois State. He had an average name, got average grades, and even had an average penis length. Everything changed, however, when Billy finally snapped and decided to dress up as a giant baby and shoot arrows at his classmates. We spoke with the deranged killer while he was in police custody. The fiendish psychopath glared at us with blood red eyes and told us about his fall off the edge of sanity into the pool of evil. “Why are you
doing this to me?” the murderer asked with an evil grin, “Those weren’t real arrows, they were from Nerf… Those people were just pretending to be hurt as part of the joke. Do you people not understand that?”
apparently risen from the grave, only to be hypnotized by Billy’s debonair charm. “We’re not dead, we’re not zombies, are you retarded?” the cold, undead man inquired, “It was a practical joke. Is Billy seriously in prison?”
Billy may have fooled some people into thinking that he’s not actually a sociopathic serial killer, but a psychiatric evaluation, polygraph test, and testimony from the victims isn’t enough to convince The Black Sheep. We spoke with some of the shooting victims who’ve
Clearly Billy had already seduced these poor zombies into thinking they weren’t actually dead. Billy Everyteen is a man as maniacal as Satan and Hitler combined. The Black Sheep, under the supervision of the Bloomington-Normal police department, gunned down these reanimated bastards to put them out of their misery.
“Our point is, this matters,” finished Pr. Tiller. “The Good Lord above hath layethed out these rules for us, and it’s our duty to help our daughters learn to follow them, no matter how arbitrary or backwards they might seem to us mortals. I’m sure I’m not the only dad here who would fall asleep better on a Saturday if I was sure my pride-and-joy didn’t have a penis in her mouth at that exact moment, but at least I’m confident she’s not scarring her soul by engaging in the most mutually amazing thing human life has to offer. Not until she’s got a wedding ring and plenty of blow-jays under her belt, of course.”
Clearly this will be a Valentine’s Day to remember at Illinois State, but we can take solace in knowing that the embodiment of pure evil known as Billy Everyteen, is facing life in prison with no chance of parole. Scoop Chang Wrote This
Sevin Ketze Wrote This
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The Black Sheep Interviews HEWETT HALL’S RESIDENT LADIES’ MAN ISSAC DREIDELSCHLEITZE WROTE THIS
Illinois State’s hottest dormitory, Hewett Hall, is known for two things: its slow elevators, and having a ladies’ man, the likes of which the world has never known. The Hewett Hall ladies’ man goes by only one name: The Cheese. Why do they call him The Cheese? Some say he uses cheese as an aphrodisiac to get hot freshmen girls in his room. Others say his breath always smells like cheese, but no one really knows. The Black Sheep had the rare opportunity to interview this prestigious and legendary figure of the dating scene in his bedroom. The Cheese insisted that we conduct the interview while spooning with him. The Black Sheep: Cheese! Thanks for meeting with us. Would you like anything? Water? Beer? Cheese: It’s The Cheese. I will take a Shirley Temple and a cube of sharp cheddar cheese, please. The Cheese proceeded to clear his throat for 4 minutes as we prepared his drink and cheese.
TBS: So sorry, The Cheese! Now, do you mind if we ask you a few questions about your lifestyle? The Cheese: Oh, yeah that’s fine. I’ve never really had anyone other than girls take an interest in me, but this is pretty great. You’re a very tender cuddler, Isaac. TBS: Let’s just leave the names out, all right? I don’t want my mom to know I’m spooning with Hewett’s most famous ladies’ man. So… when did you start being such a sly dog? The Cheese: Well, my freshman year I saw all the beautiful girls at ISU and thought, why can’t I be with all of these girls? So I started being really rude to them. Girls love dicks, you know? I would trip them, pretend to hold the door open for them and then slam it in their face; I even put marbles on the floor in front of a girl’s room a la Home Alone. When she opened the door she was met with more than a few swinging paint cans to the face. Girls love that! TBS: You swung paint cans at a girl… and suddenly she’s in love with you?
The Cheese: Yep! She’s been my girlfriend for about two weeks now. Suzy’s the best girl ever. TBS: Suzy? Suzy Greenberg? The Cheese: Yeah, you know her? TBS: Know her? She’s my girlfriend. Oh my god! The Cheese: Hey, sorry bro. Sometimes you just gotta take what’s rightfully yours. She loves when we get intimate. TBS: You slept with her?!? The Cheese: Well…no. I haven’t actually ever… TBS: You’ve never…what? Had sex? The Cheese: Well, no. I just tell girls I’m not a virgin so they will hang out and watch rom-coms with me. I love the ones with Owen Wilson. So funny! TBS: How can you be a ladies’ man and a virgin and have a girlfriend? I don’t get it. The Cheese: Oh, well I have more than one girlfriend. There’s Suzy, Christy,
Emmy-Lou, Charlene--. TBS: Okay, okay. I get it. So you’re just using all of these girls to watch romcoms with you? You’re not actually sleeping with them? The Cheese: Well…no. I don’t believe in sex until marriage. I’m not a monster! TBS: That’s interesting. Over the past two weeks, The Black Sheep has been courting all of your “girlfriends” and seducing them into having group sex. Charlene’s boyfriend wasn’t too happy about it, but he reluctantly agreed when we said he could watch. Are you sure you’re not just their patsy to watch rom-coms with? The Cheese: Wait…Charlene has a boyfriend? But I really love her!
TBS: Yeah dude, she’s dating that buff DJ, DJ Pickled Fuckin’ Beats. She says he plows her at least three times a week. The Cheese: This is awful news! I’ve gotta call Suzy. She’s really good at giving back massages. They always cheer me up. TBS: That’s my girlfriend, you asshole! The Cheese: Okay…I’ll just call another one of my girlfriends. I just got 28 Days on Blu-ray and I need a good cry. The Cheese asked if we would like to spoon a little bit longer. Reluctantly, we agreed. The Black Sheep is always willing to help out a downtrodden Redbird in need of some cuddling. The next morning, The Cheese made us breakfast and we left his dorm room. All in all, it was a pretty good Valentine’s Day.
NEW MATCHMAKING SERVICE OFFERS STUDENTS TRUE LOVE AT AFFORDABLE PRICES CARLOS DANGER WROTE THIS
Are you tired of jerking off and crying yourself to sleep every Valentine’s Day? Are you looking for someone to justify your self-worth and fill that empty void in your life? Do you want someone who you can take home to mom so she’ll stop asking if you’re gay? Well, The Black Sheep has good news for you! In anticipation of the coming holiday, a group of students on campus have started a matchmaking services called The Red Feather. We spoke to spokesman Nick Castle to get an in-depth view of how they find someone who can tolerate your presence. “We start off with a basic questionnaire. Real simple stuff: name, age, gender, sexual orientation, shoe size… that kind of thing. Then you fill out our personality index to give us a feel for your character. We assess what we refer to as your ‘compatibility sequence’ based on a variety of characteristics: hobbies, major, sexual kinks, moral flexibility… Once we’ve assessed that, you pick one of our date packages. We offer a number of specially arranged Valentine’s Day plans ranging from dinner at Watterson, to dinner at Desthil and a quickie in the bathroom. The quality of your date scales with the package too. You gotta pay to play in the big leagues, right? But hey, sometimes you just want some rando to give you a handie in the ladies’ room, and we got that for you too. Or the men’s room, whatever. No judgments. What separates us from other ‘dating sites’ is that with us, you can do whatever you want to whoever you want as long as you can pay for it.” Unfortunately, if you’re looking to apply for a job with The Red Feather, they aren’t accepting applications. Nick stressed that employment with The Red Feather is extremely selective. “If we’re interested, we’ll contact you. Be on the lookout for a red envelope with the silhouette of a feather; you never know what opportunities life might break into your room and leave on your desk.” However, as Nick put it, “The Red Feather isn’t technically uh… legal. So don’t print this.” Fear not faithful readers, The Black Sheep has a solution. To schedule an appointment just email the phrase “burgundy velour” to theRedFeather@aol.com and instructions will be sent to you three days later. The Red Feather will be taking appointments up until the 12th, so if you want to salvage what’s left of your senior year or just don’t want to be the only virgin on your dorm floor. Sorry, this issue comes out on the 13th. Note: This article in no way reflects the opinion of The Black Sheep and its staff. If someone has broken into your room and left an envelope lying on your desk, do not open it – report it to your RA. If you’ve recently encountered Nick Castle, please inform the Normal Police Department of his whereabouts. They’d like to have a word with him.
BARTENDER of the WEEK What would be the grossest vodka flavor?: Cinnamon twist.
Relationship Status: Single Major: Early childhood education
If not Disneyland, what is the happiest place on earth?: The beach.
Fave drink: Punch bomb
If there were the 10 Bar Commandments, what would number 1 be?: The bartender is always right.
Fave shot: Grape 8 Disgusting drink: Three wise men Would you rather eat a poo-flavored mustache, or mustache-flavored poo?: A mustache flavored poop. Is a hot dog a sandwich?: Yes, because it has a bun.
What is the most American of words?: America. If you could send cupid to make any celeb fall for you, who would that celeb be?: Dwayne Johnson Why should people read The Black Sheep?: For all the drink specials!
Sarah of Western Tap
DRINKING GAME You’re Alone and No One Loves You Campus will be alive with lovers this Valentine’s Day, and if you found the brownie ball recipe to your right, chances are you’re still single. Find another unloved friend of yours (or play the game alone, like you do every day) and wander around campus with your favorite bottle of booze. What You’ll Need: Alcohol and sadness. Number of Players: As many as you want. Level of Intoxication: You’ll be crying by the end of the night. How to Play: - Get your alcohol ready to go in whichever sneaky way your prefer—leftover Jimmy John’s cup, water bottle, brown paper bag, etc. - Wander around campus and take a drink for the following: - A girl trying to look strong as she buys a pint of Ben & Jerry’s from the grocery store (drink twice if it’s Chunky Monkey). - A girl being an ungrateful bitch and whining to her boyfriend. - A boy hurrying down the street with a bouquet of flowers (drink twice for an oversized teddy bear). - Two bros together putting on a façade of happiness; you know they’re dead inside. - Someone buying a card without even reading it. - People waiting to be seated at a not-so-romantic restaurant. - Someone using the phrase “Singles Awareness Day.” - A couple that has one member way hotter than his or her partner. - Every time you see a couple passionately kiss (drink twice for an ass grab). - Every time you hear someone say, “Aw, you shouldn’t have!” - A couple having a fight in a public place. - Finish your drink if you see someone being proposed to. The Game Ends When: Your liquor is gone and you decide to go buy yourself some Chunky Monkey too.
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RECIPE for DISASTER Boyfriend Brownie Balls Alone this Valentine’s Day? Who needs love when you can date food instead? This recipe is the perfect combination of chocolate, cookie dough and more chocolate. Your lady parts may not be getting lucky any time soon, but your mouth sure is! What You’ll Need: 3/4 cup butter (softened), 3/4 cup brown sugar, 1/4 cup white sugar, 2 tbsp milk, 1 tsp vanilla extract, 2 cups flour, 2 cups mini chocolate chips, 1 box of fudge brownie mix, and 1 package of chocolate almond bark Cook Time: 2 hours Fatty Factor: Calories don’t count when you’re sad. Let’s Get Baked: - In a bowl, mix together the butter and sugars until it’s all nice and creamy. - Slowly add in the milk and vanilla extract until combined. - Add in the flour and a tiny pinch of salt. Mix until you have some smooth dough. - Line a baking sheet with foil and make sure there’s room in your freezer for these bad boys. - Scoop out tablespoon-sized balls of dough
and place them on the sheet. Put them in the freezer for about an hour to harden. - While your balls are blue-ing, make your brownies per the directions on the box. You might need some eggs and oil. When they’re done, let them cool before going onto the next step. - Remove the frozen balls from the freezer. - Cut the cooled brownies into small squares and flatten them in your hands. - Put a cookie dough ball in the middle of each brownie square and wrap the brownie around it. - Once all the balls are covered, put them back in your freezer for another 30 minutes. - Melt the chocolate bark over the stove, being careful not to burn it or let it boil. Heat it up just enough so the chocolate melts. - Take the balls out of the freezer and dip them in the melted bark with a fork, making sure they’re completely covered. Then sprinkle chocolate chips on top! - Put them in the fridge for a few minutes to harden up, then dig in! This is the one and only time you’ll thoroughly enjoy having balls in your mouth.
NOMNOMNOMNOM THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
Same as It Ever Was...
Valentine’s Day Cards Revisited Scurried away in a box somewhere in a parent’s basement is a collection of a childhood memories-- artifacts of days gone by. Among them, certainly, are Valentine’s Day cards, issues school-wide at a set time for fairness to all. These Valentine’s Day cards are brief snapshots of who one was then, but these snapshots also reveal who this person who was, now is. The Black Sheep has dug up six Valentine’s Day cards from our staffers’ past, and not surprisingly, they tell the story of who these weirdos are now.
Dependent Dave
Self-Lovin’ Stephen
How Dave Was Raised: His teddy bear, Bobo, was wrapped in a safety blanket, which was tied to a rope, which led to his parents’ bedroom. If he pulled, it would ring a bell. Mom and dad would both come running, because they didn’t want to take Dave to the hospital for hyperventilation… again.
How Stephen Was Raised: Steve was an only child whose vigorously religious parents didn’t show much affection. Idle hands are the Devil’s playthings, they say, and without TV or friends, Stephen was oftentimes left alone to entertain himself.
What 3rd Grade Was Like: Crippling anxiety led to Dave being homeschooled by second grade. He was the star of the basketball team, though, and they went undefeated against their arch-rivals, the Invisibles. Heck, they shut ‘em out 14-0! Where Dave is Now: The wife jumped ship after Dave followed her on a business trip to Atlanta, but the last six months in therapy have worked wonders for Dave. Plus, he’s pretty sure his therapist has a thing for him — she always answers his calls in the middle of the night, and she’s always asking him about his feelings.
What 3rd Grade Was Like: Sure, Stephen didn’t have many friends, but he didn’t need any. At school he’d prefer to work alone, and during recess he’d play hide-and-go-seek with himself in one of the bathroom stalls. Stephen didn’t need attention from others, he had himself, a playroom that locked from the inside, and an imagination that would make a 15-year-old jealous. Where Stephen is Now: There were thousands of people out there just like Stephen, and he knew it was a safe bet. After making a small fortune on the futures stock of Jergens’ new So Soft: For Him lotion, Stephen retired to a lovely suburb of Salt Lake City, Utah. With a T1 connection and admin privileges on six different pornography torrent sites, his only interaction with humans these days is when he talks to the Jimmy John’s delivery man through the door. “The money’s in the mail box,” he grunts, “leave the Totally Tuna on the doorstep.”
Swingin’ Sally How Sally Was Raised: One time Sally’s babysitter had an emergency, and she had to drop Sally and her brother off back at Sally’s parents’ place. It was weird—Sally thought they were out of town, but here were 10 cars up and down the block! When she walked inside her mom told her dad that the swing in the basement was broken. Sally wasn’t allowed in the basement, though. Why couldn’t she sit in the swing? What 3rd Grade Was Like: Tim left Sarah, then
Politically Correct Corey How Corey Was Raised: All the other kids could go crying to their mommies, but Corey was forced to have “open tear dialogue” twice a week with a “parental advisor.” What 3rd Grade Was Like: During gym class Corey would often self-eliminate himself from dodge ball matches, fearing he might be forced to make some non-PC decisions about who he should hit with a ball. Sure, Martha may be a
Billy left Diane, then Corey left Tanya, then Eric left Molly, then Aaron left Bethany, then Robert left Suzy, then Sally realized the power she had over the opposite sex. It turned into a game of Pokémen, she had to catch them all. Where Sally is Now: After years of meticulously pouring through the Craigslist casual encounters section, Sally lives happily with her man-harem in warm and sunny Austin, Texas. The quirky eight-some all enjoy each other’s company during the day, but when the lights go out at night it’s a sausage party, and she’s the buns.
little overweight and asthmatic, but is an easy kill worth the weight on his conscience, knowing he’d be responsible for a hip replacement she might need when she’s 80? Where Corey is Now: Corey currently lives in Portland with his life-partner Sasha and their two-year-old daughter, Milanesa. When Corey isn’t spending his free time writing freelance opinion pieces promoting the abolishment of gender-specific pronouns, he can be found assembling cruelty-free cardboard shelves in his soon-to-be open paleo-vegan neighborhood grocery.
Sam the Stalker How Sam Was Raised: Sam spent many hours in timeout, both at home and at school. He grew to enjoy being present without participating in most situations. What 3rd Grade Was Like: Sam’s favorite times at school were when all the 3rd grade classes would swap classrooms to learn different subjects. Every day from noon to one he sat in Sarah Mason’s seat. One day he found her di-
Bondage Ben How Ben Was Raised: Ben grew up with four rowdy older brothers and a mom “physical” enough to handle them. It wasn’t often that he got attention from her, but when he did, she made sure he didn’t act out again. What 3rd Grade Was Like: Ben kept quiet for the most part, but was oftentimes found to be the sneaky instigator behind playground fights. If the teacher ever sided with Ben, his
ary in the desk, one day he smelled her mittens, and one day he found her address. Where Sam is Now: Sam lives a quiet life in Tallahassee, Florida. During the day he works at as a deliveryman whose daily route just so happens to include Sarah Mason’s work, home, favorite restaurant, hair dresser, grocery store, coffee shop and a certain tree outside her bathroom. He lives with his dog Rex and an amorphous collection of blond hair, chewing gum, and semen in his basement, named Sarah.
attacker was left angry and confused. “You don’t understand,” they’d plead, “he was literally asking for it!” Where Ben is Now: Right now Ben is being sat on by a 250-lb, latex and leather-clad shewoman in a dimly-lit, unfurnished basement. With one last exhale he’ll be on the brink of unconsciousness, and though “ganana brabber” is his safe word, he has yet to say it. Instead, his final breath is spent on “yes mamma!” while Big Bertha whips his thighs with a small cane and cranks the Rob Zombie.
s s e u G the
the crossword ACROSS: 3) The drummer of The Roots. 5) Legendary drag queen famous for saying, “You better work.” 6) Eccentric, blinged-out pianist. 7) Most famous Icelandic performer. 8) Producer and rapper, also the name of a shoe brand. 9) This massive basketball player often goes by just his first name. 11) This singer went by just a symbol at one point. 13) High-end Italian fashion company. 15) His first and middle name was Wolfgang Amadeus. 16) “Yo dog, I heard you like cars so we put a car in yo car so you can drive while you drive.” 19) Italian model with gorgeous hair.
famous one-word people 4) “Parting is such sweet sorrow.” 5) Her instagram name is badgalriri. 10) Blue Ivy’s mother. 11) Famous Native American associated with the colonial settlement of Jamestown, Virginia. 12) The best-selling female recording artist of all time. 14) This “L.E.S. Artistes” real name is Santi White. 17) He’s got two turntables and a microphone. 18) The breakout star of D12.
DOWN: 1) This rapper biggest hit was 2006’s “Ridin’.” 2) Lead singer of The Smiths.
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