Illinois State - Issue 4 - 2/26/2014 by The Black Sheep

The Black Sheep

WH FREE.. EN A .LIK BLA E THE CK G FEE UY G LIN IVE G YO S YO U G U TH ET E NO D.

Vol. 6, Issue 4

THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE

2/27/14 - 3/12/14

STATE FARM ATTEMPTS TO BUY ILLINOIS STATE UNIVERSITY, SUCCEEDS ISAAC DREIDELSCHLEITZE WROTE THIS

In an odd turn of events, State Farm announced this week that it will buy Illinois State University for 2.3 billion dollars. Faculty and students were confused by what the buyout would mean for their jobs and education, but Timothy J. Flanagan cleared up the situation in a press conference earlier this week. “Settle down, people. The university will not change. If you like your insurance provider, you can keep them. Period.” Flanagan assured the crowd as he took a long drink from his UPB plastic water bottle, which made a slurping sound throughout the oddly silent Redbird Arena. “The university was simply losing money, and we could not turn down an offer this good. It was either this or let Michael Bay film Transformers 7 here. You wouldn’t want that, would you?” The crowd erupted in boos and began throwing trash on stage. Michael Bay is allegedly a Bradley fan. Among the listed changes that will affect students and staff at Illinois State University is the complete makeover of the campus. The Quad will be painted bright red with State Farm’s logo covering every block of concrete within the university premises. Some praised the school for finally “spreading the red,” while other students were displeased by this massive influx of school spirit. Senior Buck Fradley had this to say about the new Quad color scheme, “You mean I have to walk on red shit that covers the concrete? How do we even know this

stuff is safe? What if it starts raining? That stuff will be as slick as a cartoon banana peel. Pretty damn slippery! If I get hurt from this you’ll be hearing from my lawyers.” The student then hung his head in shame when he realized that his lawyer had State Farm insurance and would probably side with them. Another change will happen in the university’s staff. NFL quarterback Aaron Rogers and “Jake from State Farm” will now be teaching 50% of all the university’s classes. State Farm released a statement concerning this which read, “We know that Aaron and Jake may not be the smartest or most qualified people to teach undergraduates about calculus, but we feel that this decision can really help ‘grow the brand’.” Professor Rogers begins lectures on Monday with Advanced Philosophical Reasoning 121, and he seems to be looking forward to it. “Yeah you know, you just gotta go out there and have a great day, you know? I mean I remember this one game at Lambeau. Oh man, you shoulda been there. I hit Cobb from maybe like 30 feet away while I was being sacked. I think I can handle teaching some dumbass kids.” Jake from State Farm, however, was a bit more concerned: “I just don’t see how they expect us to learn all of this stuff,” Jake told us. “All I do is answer the phones. They have me writing lesson plans and all this—”Jake was interrupted by a text which he read over several times, and then continued. “I mean… I

PAGE 4

CRIMINAL JUSTICE MAJOR BECOMES BATMAN

HE ISN’T THE HERO ISU NEEDED. NOR THE ONE THEY DESERVE... BECAUSE HE’S DEAD.

can do it. It’s gonna be great! Yay State Farm!”

pants and a red polo t-shirt while on the premises.

One of the stranger rules that will now be enforced by Illinois State Farm University will be a university-wide mandate of khaki pants. All students and staff will now be required to wear khaki

Although students and staff will be slow to adjust to the buyout, State Farm will surely see improved customer relations through advertising with Illinois State University as well as a never ending sup-

PAGE 6

ply of workers. All students who graduate from ISU will now be required to work for State Farm for the rest of their lives. “I don’t see what everyone’s complaining about!” said one of the happy English majors accepting her diploma “State Farm is a wonderful company to which I owe my life.”

PAGE 10

THE GREAT MIGRATION

ALTERNATIVE SPRING BREAK

ISU, TAKING THE FALL FOR UIUC STUDENTS AT UNOFFICIAL SINCE 1996.

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CURRENT EVENTS

THE

TOP

TEN

MYTHICAL PLACES TO VISIT FOR SPRING BREAK

VERONICA SILVERADO WROTE THIS Each year around this time, you begin to scan your Facebook and see the overly tanned, unfit bodies in exotic locations while you lie in bed at your parent’s house and slowly cry yourself to sleep. But not this year, friend! Prepare yourself for adventure, fun, and some injury-related memory loss — you’re going on spring break, baby. 10.) Panem: Despite the fact that most of Panem from The Hunger Games series looks somewhat like a third world country, there are fun times to be had everywhere. Those looking for an elegant experience can always head over to The Capitol to turn their sink green, dye their hair pink, and eat until they puke then eat some more! Who needs all-you-can-eat buffets at Panama City Beach motels?! 9.) Narnia: Any place that you don’t have to pay to travel is always ideal. A quick trip through the wardrobe gets you to this world, where you can finally address that centaur fetish you’ve been battling for years.

CRIMINAL JUSTICE MAJOR BECOMES BATMAN, DIES ALMOST IMMEDIATELY SCOOP CHANG WROTE THIS Sonny D. Williams, an Illinois State senator, was slowly gaining popularity as the university’s very first super hero. Last week he shocked the public by donning a black unitard and a Batman shirt, and began doling out some much needed vigilante justice to the streets of Bloomington. After one week of patrolling the school, Williams had managed to prevent one robbery and fifteen counts of jaywalking. It seemed like nothing could stop the ambitious young man; that is, until he was found shot dead in an alley yesterday afternoon. We spoke to Williams’s closest friend, Dick Grayson, who had this to say about his friend’s activities: “I honestly didn’t even know he liked Batman, like, I never saw him reading comics and I don’t even think he saw the movies. Seriously, all he ever talked about was Yu-Gi-Oh and Pokémon… I… I honestly didn’t see this coming.” We then caught up with Williams’s advisor, Dr. Cobblepot, to see if maybe his criminal justice background had influence on his decision to go full Batman. “It’s not like he was a good student,” Cobblepot told us. “He had the lowest GPA of any student in the criminal justice major and he would always interrupt class with stories about ‘what Batman would do’ in a given situation. One time he said Batman would have solved the 2008 financial crisis by using his web shooters on AIG executives instead of giving them a bailout… I really don’t think he even knew who Batman was.” Whether or not Williams knew who he was impersonating, his actions have resonated on campus, giving form to more vigilantes as well as new campus villains. The most notorious villian is the recently-incarcerated Judy Bloom, better known by her alter-ego, The Jokester. Police Commissioner G. Ordon told us that the senior sociology major would’ve gotten away with her sinister plan to kidnap President Flanagan, had she not announced the plan, in full, on her WZND radio show earlier that day. “To be honest, she gave us a series of riddles to solve in order to find her location,” Ordon told us, “but she was on the radio… so we just went to the studio and there she was, crappy clown make up and all.” We spoke to some of the boys in blue at the Normal Police Department to see how they felt about these new student vigilantes. Officer Don Utlover seemed fond of the idea, despite the many fatalities, saying, “Hey, we need more kids like Williams! Sure he may have thrown away his life to stop some jaywalkers, but I was finally able to slow down and take my time while writing parking tickets the other day. When cops can take their time writing up people for minor traffic violations… the world is just a safer place.” Here at The Black Sheep we want to remind other would-be vigilantes that the real Batman is three things that they will never be: the world’s greatest detective, absurdly wealthy, and fictional. In the real world, people who don’t like your style of vigilante justice will just shoot you in the face. No amount of kung fu and bodybuilding can save you from getting shot in the face. Sonny D. Williams wasn’t the hero Illinois State needed, nor was he the one they deserved.

8.) El Dorado: Claims have been made this entire city is made of gold. It is also supposedly an individualized “Holy Grail”—whatever you seek in life, you’ll find it here. Be careful bringing your friends with you, you might be embarrassed when they find out that your holy grail is just a massive porn collection and a recipe for the perfect microwaved nachos. 7.) Atlantis: No, not that insane resort in The Bahamas or Jamaica or wherever you have been begging your parents to take you since elementary school—this is the lost island thought up by the original bad boy Plato. They’ve got shit tons of mermaids, gold, and other awesome things/fish you can’t have sex with. But they do have some decent daiquiris there, at least. 6.) Land of Ooo: If Finn and Jake have taught us anything, it should be that some weird shit goes down in the Land of Ooo. There, people of all races and genders can get with each other. Including but not limited to video game/bubble relationships. There are basically no rules here. Thanks to the fantastical colors and insane scenery, you can leave your drugs at home. 5.) Wonderland: An instant acid trip awaits anyone brave enough to fall down this rabbit hole. While you are inevitably growing and shrinking from eating cake and drinking potions, remember to keep an eye out for opium-smoking caterpillars and Johnny Depp coated with an uncomfortable amount of eye makeup. 4.) Garden of Eden: Plenty of food, sufficient shrubbery, and some tasteful nudity—what more could you want from spring break?! Peacocks, snakes, and tigers are abundant in these parts. We’re just saying, Mike Tyson has a tiger, so this is your chance to catch one. 3.) Hell: Eternal damnation is something many of us will face when we reach the end, but before then, a quick vacation in the depths of Hades is a surprisingly good time. The scenery is to die for: flame fountains, lava waterfalls, and maybe even a few firestorms. If you call early enough, there is even the chance of getting to sit down with the big man, Lucifer himself, to discuss a few of his favorite things including, but not limited to, mortality and Fireball whiskey. 2.) Hogwarts: We’ve heard the English countryside is quite nice this time of year. Not to mention, the secret spell that will keep you from throwing up all that sangria like last spring break. Or maybe you should just stay away from sangria all together. 1.) Florida: Just know that if you go, you’ll never come back.

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ON THE STREETS WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE LITTLE-KNOWN TURN OF PHRASE? Marilyn, Sophomore

“What does kill you makes you stronger.”

Jenia, Freshman

“It’s adventure time.”

Lauren, Freshman

“Meow.”

THE GREAT MIGRATION

Redbirds preparing for another fun Unofficial Weekend of visiting friends and distracting police from U of I students SEVIN KETZE WROTE THIS

Excitement is in the air as thousands of ISU students start making plans to go to Unofficial. Vodka and rum fifths are flying off the shelves to be stuffed into students’ carefully-padded backpacks, or mixed with Monster in a fruit juice bottle so nobody will be able to tell they’re drinking in public, and hundreds of friendships are rekindled every day as students message their high school friends turned Illini acquaintances en masse to compete for floor, couch, and parking space. And as is tradition, Redbirds will repay the favor for the student body that so graciously took them in by drawing the attention of the police force with their over-thetop behavior. “It’s definitely risky going out on Unofficial,” commented senior Illinois mechanical engineering major Chris Weber. “Cops are out in force and this is a really common weekend to get busted. We really appreciate that ISU goes out of their way to get lost and loudly complain about how cold it is and how much they hate walking, year after year.” “The whole situation is really quite mutually beneficial,” associate professor Gerb Leeham weighed in. “ISU students get to go on a fun weekend trip and get a free couch to sleep on, and

in return they throw themselves on drinking tickets like they were grenades. In turn, U of I students receive blanket immunity from any alcohol-related crimes they commit that weekend, provided they, if I may quote the campus police’s official statement, ‘keep their shit on the D.L.’” “I’m always glad to help out a friend,” said ISU sophomore Kellie Schlorp. “I’ve been to U of I a ton since all my brothers went there, but when I’m here for Unofficial I try to look like I don’t know where I’m going, maybe retrace my steps every now and again or stand at intersections looking around for a while before I cross. I wish I could spend the night with my friends, but I’m much more likely to draw a squad car if I’m stumbling around alone. If I can fix the mistakes I made last year, I think I’ll have no problem distracting at least a dozen squad cars for twenty or thirty minutes each.” “This is my year to be lead scout,” beamed junior Chaz Dunterstorn, as he dusted off and opened the lead scout kit that had been passed down to him while explaining his duties. “I’ll get more drunk than I usually feel safe doing, take one of these walkietalkies here and tie this here twine around my waist, and go on a few hundred feet ahead [of the group] while they hold onto my safety line. I radio the all clear if no police are around, and shoot a warning

back if there are. If they can pull me back to safety, great, if not, I’ll cut the twine and turn myself in in the most time-consuming way possible. Then the first assistant scout reels it in and takes over. It’s a real honor to serve!” “We know more about what goes on than these youngsters like to think,” commented a university president who wished to remain unnamed. “It’s no secret that every one of our students drinks, without exception. And we know that ISU kids come

in and take the fall on purpose, since they think they can’t legally be ticketed being that they don’t live here. It’s so darn sweet. It’s like when one of my children lies to help keep the other out of trouble. I don’t like it, but it’s just adorable seeing them look out for each other.” The U of I Police Department tweeted Sunday that “our rubber bullets and taser guns just showd up from Amazon, xcited 2 shake things up this year for Unofficial! ;) #stopresistingarrest #redbirdseason”

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Tragedy at the ISU-lympics Leaves Dozens Dead JENNIFER GREEN WROTE THIS

As the Sochi Olympics have come and gone, we take a look back at the tragic events of this year’s ISU-lympics. This student-run Olympics imitation, which resulted in more bloodshed this year than ever before, is held every year before spring break. Opening day drew in quite a crowd, consisting of both students and community members alike. When asked what he thought of the games, President Flanagan said, “ISU. Hell yeah.” And with a, “Let’s get this mother started,” Flanagan shot off the official ISU-lympics AK-47. Unfortunately, he missed and shot two students who were killed instantly. In spite of the tragedy, Flanagan drunkenly declared, “The games must go on!” And after the campus took a brief mourning break at Pub II, they continued the games. During the Great Watterson Staircase Race, there was more bad news as 12 freshmen were trampled to death trying to make it to the top. The winner of said race, Mikey Daze, was quoted as saying, “I took the elevator. Those idiots didn’t stand a chance.” But after another, more intoxicating mourning period, Flanagan slurred from the roof of Pub II “Gamesss… Goo… Own!” And goo own the games did. After more mourning and many more drinks, it was time for the javelin throw. Javelin thrower, Art Fartsy, was expected to make history by throwing a javelin clear across campus. The scene was set: a line by CVA, a target at the Student Health Services building, and a full crowd. With all the force of great typhoon, Art wound up to throw, but tripped, letting the javelin careen out of his hand. It sailed right through a window, into a math class, and hit a student square in the chest. The math professor later told reporters, “Thank God, that kid was an asshole. It almost hit one of the good students.”

Luckily, by the ISU-lympics law of one-more-dooversies, Art had one more shot at the gold. So, with all his might he threw as if he were pitching Justin Bieber back to Canada. His throw was perfect, but unfortunately President Flanagan happened to be standing on the target at that very moment, helping nurse a stray cat back to health. With a javelin sticking out of his chest, President Flanagan was rushed inside the Student Health Services building for treatment. The nurses couldn’t do anything to help him proclaiming, “Holy shit, there’s a javelin in his chest. What do we do?!” After a few moments of shrill screaming and panic, one of the doctors yelled, “Move aside!” and rushed to Flanagan’s aid. She grasped the javelin and yanked it out while screaming, “Excalibur!” and with one move, the life of T.J. Flanagan was saved. Some of the students and faculty met up at Pub II later that night to mourn some more. When asked about how they felt about the ISU-lympics, students all agreed saying, “Those mourning breaks were the best part.” As the bar cleared out, only Art was left, angrily tossing back shot after shot. A few patrons asked what was wrong and he replied, “I didn’t win the gold on a technicality. If Flanagan weren’t standing on the target, I would’ve hit it and won. Fuck Flanagan. Fuck him and his cat.” Although this year’s ISU-lympics weren’t nearly as exciting as last year’s Harry Potter-themed games (due to fewer black magic spells and broomstick-related injuries), the many tragic deaths kept us all entertained.

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THURSDAY

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THURSDAY

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ALTERNATIVE SPRING BREAK:

Your Chance to Give Back CARLOS DANGER WROTE THIS Each year, ISU students have the opportunity to forgo their vacation days in favor of hard labor during an Alternate Spring Break trip. This year the program will be hosted by Ghana, where participants will work in coal mines or be recruited as translators on coastal pirate raids. To figure out what kind of mental defects someone needs to have to willingly sign-up for this death sentence, The Black Sheep set out to ask survivors of previous excursions the important questions. What makes these students willing to donate their time and spare kidneys to strange people in impoverished areas? Is it an innate sense of altruism and belief in the human condition? Or do students view the volunteer work as necessary evil, yet relish the chance to see new places and hook-up with the locals? We were determined to find an answer. Unfortunately, the trip roster is kept secret, and our attempts to infiltrate the organization have all ended with false moustaches ripped off and fake breasts pulled out. However, we were able to get a brief interview with Yoko Polo, a junior music major with a minor in incomprehensible gibberish. Yoko was more than happy to answer all of our questions provided we stop lightly tapping on her apartment windows. The Black Sheep: So Yoko, tell us a bit about your

last trip. Yoko: We went to Ireland last year! It was really nice; we spent most of our time helping out the underprivileged kids. You know, bringing them clothes and toys, handing out potatoes to street urchins… we spent a lot of time with the orphans of IRA members making Molotov cocktails. Oh! We got into a firefight in Dublin once, which was pretty neat. I got to fire a machine gun! The Black Sheep: That sounds horrifying. Why on earth would you sign up for another trip? Yoko: It sounds worse than it really was. I mean, most of us survived and only one person lost an eye, which I’m told is the lowest injury count thus far. As for why I decided to go back, well, it’s really about the people. Helping all those kids felt good, but experiencing the culture and talking to the locals is what I really loved about the trip. The Black Sheep: Wow. Do you have any tips for anyone planning on going this year? Anything that students can do to keep themselves out of harm’s way while they’re stuck in some godforsaken hellhole? Yoko: They don’t mention it very much, but if you pay an extra fee you can take part in a “cultural activity,” which I highly recommend. I got to go to a real Irish pub with some of the higher ups in the IRA. Oh man,

what a rush! We never even had to pay for a drink. Most of the night is a blur, but I remember playing this game where we threw darts at a board with a bunch of pictures on it and whatever you hit, you had to do! One guy tried to chicken out when he was supposed to swallow a live scorpion, but I did it for him! They were so impressed that I got to be the one to strike the match when we played the “burn down his house for a penalty” game! I made some real friends that night. They told me that if I ever needed help with a problem they would “take care of it” for

me, which I thought was really sweet. Like I said, it’s all about meeting people. Clearly, the Alternative Spring Break program isn’t just boring volunteer work, but an adventure of a lifetime. So if you’ve got the desire to help those in need, or just want to meet a notorious drug kingpin, the Alternative Spring Break program is right up your alley. Just remember to pack your Kevlar and if you don’t feel safe without a little extra protection, call Yoko; we hear she knows a guy.

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BARTENDER

Relationship Status: It’s complicated

resemble?: The majestic tiger.

Major: Beer

Is alcohol a drug?: No, no reason needed.

Favorite Drink: Bud Light Favorite Shot: Rup Disgusting Drink: Anything made with a blender

ROCKSTAR

What’s the dumbest thing you’ve ever seen someone do for a free drink?: Some guy told me “If you don’t give me a drink you’re losing 75% of your business.”

OF THE WEEK

What beer or liquor has changed most in popularity during your time working here?: Bud Light is really popular now.

Dan of Pub II

DRINKING GAME Saucy Skyscraper When flip cup and beer bongin’ cheap beer just doesn’t do it for you anymore, it’s time to pull out the fancy stuff. This game involves some minor engineering skills, though, so get your nerdy friends to have some fun with you for once. What You’ll Need: A die, 1 shot glass, 3 cups, bottle of tequila, case of beer, bottle of wine, some sort of whiskey or rum, Coke (or any other mixer you want), and a bunch of sturdy coasters. Number of Players: As many as you want! Level of Intoxication: Just hope lady luck is on your side or things can turn ugly. How to Play: - Make a tower of drinks in the following order (top to bottom): shot glass of tequila, half-filled cup of a mixed drink, full cup of a mixed drink, full cup of white wine, and a can of beer. - When you stack up the drinks, put a coaster in between each layer. If this is just like, way too difficult for you to handle, you can place them in order on the table instead. (It’s not really a Saucy Skyscraper then. It’s more like a Liquor Line.) - Players take turns rolling the die. The first person to roll a 6 takes the shot of tequila. - Continue rolling until the next person gets a 6. He or she must then remove the coaster. The next person to roll a 6 drinks the half-cup mixed drink. - The game continues in this way—waiting for players to roll a 6, removing the coasters and drinking up. - While playing, always wait for the person to finish their drink before rolling the die, EXCEPT for the beer. As soon as someone rolls a 6 and is stuck drinking the beer, the rest of the players pass the die, trying to roll a 6 before the beer is gone. - If the drinker finishes the beer first, all the other players have to take a shot. If someone rolls a 6 before the beer is done, the drinker must finish the can and then take a shot as well. The Game Ends When: You finish the tower and still have enough alcohol to build another one!

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Physically, what animal do you most

If you had to brush your teeth with a bathroom staple besides toothpaste, what would it be?: RUP Did you know the phrase “barking up the wrong tree” is actually about a time when oak bark grew on a birch tree?: Yes, who doesn’t know this? If you were a Greek god of something, you’d be the Greek god of…: I want to be Thor. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because Jack Loomis likes what Dan Taylor sells.

RECIPE for DISASTER Chocolate-Covered Bacon Two of the world’s greatest creations combined together can only mean one thing: a sweet and crunchy mouth orgasm. Skip the gym today, stay home in your favorite sweatpants and turn on that Law & Order: SVU marathon, baby. The only place you’re going is chocolate-covered bacon heaven. What You’ll Need: 1 pound of thick cut bacon (DON’T be cute and get turkey bacon), 12 ounces of white chocolate, 12 ounces of dark chocolate, 12 ounces of milk chocolate, 12 ounces of more chocolate just for the hell of it, and any toppings you want (sprinkles, crushed nuts, more bacon, etc.) Cook Time: 30-45 minutes Fatty Factor: You can’t have too much of a good thing. Let’s Get Baked: - Preheat your oven to 375 degrees and line a baking sheet with parchment paper. - Bake the bacon in the oven for 20 minutes until it’s nice and crispy. - Let the bacon cool for a few minutes before putting the slices on paper towels to soak up the extra grease. - Melt your chocolate on very low heat in different pots over the stove. You should probably do them one at a time because we know you’re not good at multitasking and because chocolate can burn pretty easily. - Using tongs, dip a slice of bacon into your chocolate of choice and make sure both sides are coated. Lay the dipped pieces down on a clean sheet of parchment paper. - Sprinkle the freshly-dipped bacon with your toppings—sprinkles, more crunchy bacon bits, cinnamon, crushed almonds, anything you want! Let the chocolate sit for a few minutes or put them in the refrigerator until they’re hard. Eat up!

NOMNOMNOMNOM THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

Survivor Ratings Falter, More Boobs Is The Answer Hugh Jass wrote this

After the Survivor: Caramoan season finale hit an all-time low of a paltry 10.16 million viewers, producers decided that they needed to do something drastic to bring the show’s waning viewership out of a tailspin. But reenergizing a program that was faltering as it approached its 30th season was not going to be a cakewalk. After running through various scenarios that included tribes composed of pro athletes, deposed politicians, and washed-up singers, producers finally settled upon a format for the 28th season. The show’s development staff unanimously decided that there needed to be more boobs on prominent display. In order to do that while appearing politically correct, they divided the tribes by the traits of “Brawn, Brains, Beauty.” Unfortunately, the season premiere of Cagayan did not fare nearly as well as CBS analysts predicted, and it left producers of the show scrambling. “We really messed up on this one. There weren’t nearly enough boobs, and the Brain tribe was just plain awful,” said producer Jeff Probst. “Everybody hates nerds, that’s why we gave them all swirlies in junior high. I don’t know what we were thinking.” Probst, along with the other producers, put together a crack focus group to confirm suspicions of where they went wrong. Unsurprisingly their fears were correct, and the focus groups demonstrated that people cared least for the Brain tribe, with reasons ranging from “They ain’t got no nice titties on ‘em” to “If I wanted to watch a bunch of ugly, unfunny brainiacs I’d be tuning into The Big Bang Theory.” Probst and the producers had forgotten the golden rule of reality television: intelligence has no place in it. “People who watch reality television fall into two camps,” explained Probst. “The first camp is made up of people who want to laugh at the subjects and feel more secure about their lives. Take Jersey Shore for example. They look and those idiots and say ‘I might be a slut, but hey, at least I’m not as bad as Snooki!’ The second camp of people wants to see catfights and look at boobs,” Probst adjusted his crotch, attempting to conceal his enthusiasm. “Personally, I fall into the second camp, which is partially why we went the direction that we did.”

“If I wanted to watch a bunch of ugly, unfunny brainiacs I’d be tuning into The Big Bang Theory.” With Survivor being filmed in the summer and broadcast months later, altering the show was going to be an issue. However, all the participants were rounded back up to re-film, except for one group. “We completely took the Brain team off the island, and replaced them with models from the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition,” a wild-eyed Probst claimed. “The season is also being rebranded with the three tribes representing Brawn, Boobies, and More Boobies. We figured we’d stop pulling punches and call a spade a spade.” Probst tapped six models from the 2014 Swimsuit Edition roster. Among the newly-added contestants is Kate Upton, two-time cover girl for Sports Illustrated. “We’re thrilled that we were able to snag her. Without her we would’ve really had some problems reaching our DD-cup quota, but she gave us a lot of headroom” Probst said, grinning from ear to ear. Probst is especially excited for Hannah Davis to be joining the cast. “She’s one of my favorites. Her body is perfection, and I’m very excited to be only feet away from her in a swimsuit,” he raved, excusing himself to the bathroom. Early polls are demonstrating that the show may nearly double its viewership when the new cast makes its debut. “We’ve been toying with the idea of having a live episode and there being a ‘wardrobe malfunction.’ The money we’ll reap in viewership numbers will far outweigh whatever fine gets stamped on us. This is off the record, right?” a very sweaty Jeff Probst asked. “I didn’t even realize that show was still on television, but if there is even the slightest chance that Kate Upton’s top might fall off I’ll be watching every episode,” said Sam Dean, a recent graduate. “Hell, I sat through all of Piranha 3D because there were some topless broads in it, I can deal with Survivor.” There will also be new challenges to capitalize on the new cast. “I’m really looking forward to the kissing contests, which I’m going to be judging of course,” Probst chortled. Season 28 will also see the addition of contests like a slow motion jogging challenge as well as bikini mud wrestling. However, the original Beauty team is not happy with the addition of the swimsuit models. “I was supposed to be salivated over. I was supposed to be the one everyone was talking about. Now they bring in all these models and I’m playing second fiddle,” scowled Morgan McLeod. McLeod is not alone, as many of the other members of the Beauty squad have complained as well. “I was brought here on the grounds that I would be able to flirt my way through the entire competition. Forcing me to use my other, less developed skills is completely unfair and not what I signed up for,” stated former beauty pageant contestant and current trophy wife Kelly Demming. Upper management at CBS was initially concerned that the addition of models to the program wouldn’t be catering to the female audience enough, but a short meeting with all the castmates changed that. “The girls really got into it at our first meeting, it was wild. There was hair pulling, screaming, the whole nine yards,” said Probst with a smile. “This is starting to become The Real Housewives of Survivor, and chicks love that type of garbage.” While it has become clear that Survivor is on its last legs, producers believe they can squeeze out a dozen more seasons with the new format. “We figure that as long as people are still tuning into TLC to watch 600-pound people try to live their lives, there is a place for Survivor on the dial. Especially if the show has lots of boobs. And exciting challenges, but mostly boobs,” said Probst as he grabbed a bottle of lotion and left the room.

THE KEANU REEVES SHUFFLE Do you know what movies all of these Keanu Reeves characters are from? Email us at backpage@theblacksheeponline.com. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

FILM BANK

1) Point Break 2) Speed 3) The Devil’s Advocate 4) The Matrix 5) The Replacements

6) 47 Ronin 7) The Day the Earth Stood Still 8) Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure 9) Constantine

READ MORE ONLINE THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

the m.a.s.h.

oh come on, you remember how to play! tally some marks on the paper for as long as your brain tells you to, then count through the whole list and cross off whatever corresponds with that number. when there’s only one left in each category, boom, that’s your future. live it, love it.

The best man is… - Drake - Jay Z - Kendrick Lamar - Eminem

She got you a blinged out… - Rolex. - cat collar. - tapestry. - vintage Shelby Cobra.

The band at your wedding was… - U2 - Neutral Milk Hotel - Dashboard Confessional - Radiohead

His special gift for you was… - a brand-new elliptical. - 1% stake in the Dallas Cowboys. - a naked sculpture of himself. - a few bars of gold.

The celebrity priest was… - Lil’ Wayne - Coolio - All of the Wu-Tang Clan - Nas

They performed your first dance song… - “Sweet Caroline” - “D.A.N.C.E” - “Psycho Killer” - The Star-Spangled Banner

The maid of honor is…. - Nick Minaj - Missy Elliot - Chanel West Coast - Beyonce

He even got you a present! - A subscription to Entertainment Weekly. - A $150 Victoria’s Secret gift card. - A Milky Way candy bar. - A gold iPhone 5.

Your favorite moment of the night was… - Leaving. - Falling asleep on the wedding cake. - Seeing your maid of honor and the priest hook-up. - finally having a decent poop.

the crossword famous sara(h)s

ACROSS: 3) This company is famous for making baked goods and more, two words. 5) SJP played this Carrie on Sex and the City. 6) Sarah Drew plays this doctor on Grey’s Anatomy. 7) Darlene Connor of Roseanne’s real last name. 11) Sarah comedian who was married to Jimmy Kimmel. 12) Sara Quin is one-half of the duo featuring her twin sister named what? 13) Sarah Palin was governor of this state. 14) SARAH is a fictional smart house in what SyFy TV Series? 15) This famous children’s book featured Sarah, who was plain and what? 16) One of the most famous jazz singers of our time, Sarah who? 17) Sarah Ferguon is this kind of royalty of York. DOWN: 1) Sarah Michelle Gellar married this late-90s dreamboat. 2) Sara Blakely is the founder of this popular women’s undergarment company. 3) Sarah, the private college. 4) This famous Sara had the 2007 hit song “Love Song.” 8) Sarah McLachlan founded this woman-friendly music festival, two words. 9) This Florida city’s motto is “Where Urban Amenities Meet Small-Town Living.” 10) Former Playermate of the Year and host of G4’s Attack of the Show!

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