Volume 7
The Black Sheep
Fre e! L ide ike or as f igin rom al c Buz ostu zFe me ed.
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
Issue 5
WATTERSON GHOST RETURNS FOR STUDENTS’ SPIRITS Jennifer Green wrote this Everyone knows that shit starts getting real spooky once the calendar hits October. Halloween means scary movies, slutty costumes, and plenty of booze. This explains why it’s the holiday of choice for most college students. Last year, however, Halloween changed for a few students living in Watterson. “Halloweekend is one of the best weekends of the year so of course we had it all planned out. We bought an absurd amount of booze and weed,” sophomore Ryan Kern told The Black Sheep. “What we didn’t count on was all the ghostly shit that started happening.” Around 8 p.m. on Halloween night, two of Kern’s friends, Travis McCoy and Jessica Barker, came to his room on Madison 5 to pregame. “Everything started off great,” Barker said, “I was superoriginal and lookin’ cute in my sexy cat outfit, I got a good buzz going after a few shots, and Pandora was on-point, what’s not to love? Well, after a few more shots I heard this voice say, ‘Jesssssicaaa no one will forget that time you got too drunk freshman year and puked on the guy you were hooking up with.’ I thought the guys were just being jerks and I told them to leave me alone, but they acted like they had no idea what I was talking about.”
After sharing a good laugh over Barker’s freak-out, McCoy got up to go to the bathroom. “I was standing over the toilet, ya know, doing my thing and all of a sudden I hear this voice say, “Travissss, remember that time in high school you peed your pants?” He looked around to find out who said it, but there was no one in the bathroom. “I figured I was just drunk and hearing things so I tried to ignore it.”
his friends said it, but they had already started going downstairs to the elevators. Kern ran to his friends and explained what had just happened. “That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you assholes! I’m pretty sure it’s some asshole ghost or something,” deduced Barker. They decided to try and communicate with the ghost; logically, they used a Ouija board.
“After a few more shots I heard this voice say, ‘Jesssssicaaa no one will forget that time you got too drunk freshman year and puked on the guy you were hooking up with.’” McCoy walked back into the room and immediately took another shot. “Hey what’s wrong, man? You look like you’ve just seen a ghost,” Kern said to McCoy, laughing hysterically at the expression he was sure he just made up. “Just shut up and take a drink with me.” A few more shots and everyone’s nerves had calmed. They were about to head to Cherry Street for their friend’s Halloween party. As Kern locked up his room, he heard someone say, “Hey Ryannn, if you try to hook up with any girls tonight, make sure you can last more than 2 minutes. Ha ha ha!” He spun around to see which of
Abandoning their plans for the night, the group went back to Barker’s room and gathered ‘round the board. With all their fingers on the mover thingy, they started asking questions. Kern went first asking, “are you a friendly ghost?”The board moved to no. The group all looked at each other, horrified, until it moved over to yes and then across the letters ‘J’ and ‘K’ followed by distant laughter. “Fuckin asshole ghost,” Kern mumbled, “what do you want with us, bro?” “Can I just talk to you guys? That Ouija board is so obnoxious,” the
ghostly voice said. It continued, “honestly, the afterlife is so boring. Just gimmie your booze and I’ll go bother some other nerds.”
Kern’s room to sleep. In the morning, they all thought the previous night was an alcohol-induced dream.
The crew went back to Barker’s room to find empty beer cans and drained handles spread out across the desk.
The friends gathered their alcohol and set it on the desk. “Alright now everybody just be cool and leave,” the ghost told them. Confused, the trio locked the door behind them and went back to
“Wow, we were really fuckin’ wasted to think a ghost wanted our alcohol,” said Barker. Kern and McCoy agreed, laughing. “Hey, let’s grab the booze from your room and start our Saturday off right!
“We all just kind of stared at each other and then realized it wasn’t a dream; it was real. We got hustled out of all of our alcohol by a ghost. Stupid Halloween…”
PAGE 5
PAGE 7
PAGES 12-13
TOP 10: MOST OFFENSIVE HALLOWEEN COSTUMES
STUDENTS BELIEVE THEY RAISE MAN FROM THE DEAD
WHAT KIND OF HALLOWEEN PARTY SHOULD YOU ATTEND?
LOOKING FOR THE PERFECT COSTUME TO NOT GET LAID? WE’VE GOT YOU.
BUT IT’S ACTUALLY JUST A BAD ACID TRIP, MAN.
FOLLOW OUR FLOWCHART TO MAKE THE BEST DECISION OF YOUR ENTIRE LIFE.
FOLLOW US @BLACKSHEEP_ISU OCTOBER 16th, 2014 - OCTOBER 29th, 2014 THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
MEET the STAFF CAMPUS & EDITORIAL MANAGER Nikki Monroe
DISTRIBUTION MANAGER Helen Hoang
ADVERTISING MANAGER Jackie Fisher
CAMPUS DIRECTOR Brendan Bonham
WRITERS Nikki Monroe Hannah Krajewski, Tim Mackey
OWNER Atish Doshi
PROMOTIONS MANAGER Vanessa Garcia SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER Hannah Krajewski STREET TEAM MANAGER Eddie Sak STREET TEAM Celina McGrath, Cristina Cervantes
FOUNDERS Bryan Podell, Kurt Tribble, Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers QUESTIONS? info@theblacksheeponline.com ADVERTISING? ads@theblacksheeponline.com
OWNED & OPERATED BY: Black Card Media, LLC 2130 W. Potomac Avenue Suite 1, Chicago, Illinois 60622 Contact Corporate: 217.390.1747 For Advertising: 608.712.0900
DISCLAIMER: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
FOLLOW US! @BLACKSHEEP_ISU • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
Party at Brewe Ha’s All Week Long! MONDAY
TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY
$1.50 Miller Family Bottles and 16oz Coors Light Cans $2.50 Beam, SoCo and Seagram 7 Drinks
JOIN THE IMPORT CLUB! Drink all 40 imports and get your name on the wall plus a free t-shirt! $2 Import and Micro Bottles, $2 Well & UV Flavors, $2 All Drafts
All Rum Wednesdays! $1 Domestic Bottles $2.50 Fireball $2.50 All Rums
THURSDAY
FRIDAY
SAT. & SUN.
$1 Wells and UV Flavors $1.50 Miller Family Bottles or 16oz Coors Light Cans $2.50 Red Bull Vodka
$1.50 Bud Family 20oz Drafts $2 16oz Micro Drafts $2.50 Fireball $4 Bud Family Pitchers
$1.50 Miller Family Bottles or 16oz Coors Light Cans $2 Wells and UV Flavors, $2.25 Bud Family 20oz Drafts, $3 Vegas Bombs
102 South Linden Street | Normal, Illinois
(309) 452-7393 | Find us on Facebook!
PAGE 3
A FEW MORE WAYS
SEX EUPHEMISM OR SERIAL KILLER NICKNAME?
THE CARPET CLEANER
TO KILL SOME TIME.
BEAT OUR CAPTION! Tweet us a better caption and win a prize!
“Four peyote caps later, the world had successfully cracked revenge on Miley Cyrus’ vocal cords.”
The above phrase is either a gross sex euphemism or a serial killer’s nickname. Which is it? Let us know by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize! Check back next week for this week’s answer!
WORD of the WEEK
MALAPOOPISM Accidentally or purposely shitting where one shan’t shit.
Bridget claimed her best malapoopism was the time she left a brown baked present in the trunk of an ex-lover’s Honda Accord.
GUESS THE REALITY TV STAR! Whatever your dirty pleasure may be, don’t deny you watch reality TV. To the left is a silhouette of a reality TV star, and below are three clues as to who the person is. Let us know who you think it is by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!
1
Owner of Craft restaurants.
2
Made a cameo in season one of HBO’s Treme.
3
For a short time, ran a website, EatDrinkOrDie.com
# # #
PLAY WITH US! @BLACKSHEEP_ISU
PARTY PICS!
Tweet us your #partypics, or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
ON THE STREETS What piece of media would benefit most from replacing one word with “ass,” and what does it turn into?
KATIE “Breaking Bad becomes Breaking Ass.”
VICTORIA “‘Boom Clap’ by Charli XCX becomes ‘Ass Clap.’”
RITA “‘Black Widow’ should really be called ‘Black Ass.’ Isn’t that what Iggy wants anyway?
06
#MORALS
THE TOP TEN
Most Offensive Halloween Costumes People use Halloween as an excuse for three things: To get way too drunk, dress like a slut, or offend the hell outta someone with their costume. Don’t be that asshole at a party; stick to drinking and trying to get laid. 10.) Helen Keller: Walking around all night with your eyes closed running into things and yelling, “blehlaliluh,” might be funny for a while, but it’ll be even funnier when you run into someone with a disability and they push you down a flight of stairs while you’re pretending to be deaf, dumb, and blind. Emphasis on the dumb.
MURDER
Terrible Crime or Hilarious Prank?
Scoop Chang wrote this We know what you’re thinking, “but The Black Sheep, murder is wrong always all the time forever!” You’re right Suzy, The Black Sheep in no way endorses the murder of anyone living or dead (that’s right, we support the lives of the undead as well). But this Halloween season, kids are just going bananas with murder pranks. With the popularization of shows like Dexter and Criminal Minds (and the simultaneous popularization of binge watching these shows on Netflix), college students know so much about murder and how to not make mistakes that it’s become the biggest fad since Tinder’s “automatic gross pick-up line” button. We asked Detective Lance Buttons what he thought about the issue. “Basically,” said Buttons with a dramatic pause, “we’ve got what we think are students planning the elaborate murders of their roommates and professors. Whenever we ask students if they were near the incidents or if they took part in the grizzly acts, they just start laughing and saying things like ‘oh snap! He got got!’ and ‘dude, what a sick burn, that is hilarious.’ I mean what can we do with that? These kids are scary.” Buttons went on to say that the crime scenes were always wiped clean and there was literally no evidence. When asked about the possibility that there was only one serial killer, Buttons replied “that’s what we thought at first, but every victim is killed in a different way and always with a different object. We have wounds that were inflicted by male, female, and androgynous killers with left hands, right hands, and even people without hands murdering with their feet. But we can’t even narrow down who the ‘foot killer’ is because of ISU’s giant armless community on campus.”
Apparently the trend was started by “that hacker 4chan” who went on his website and showed how he “totally pranked his roommate into getting killed.” Since then, 37 people have been murdered and the investigation seems to be at an impasse. Detective Pete Chapeau, partner to Buttons, told us, “the police have decided not to do anything else. We really think this is just a fad and it’ll probably go out of style, just like everything else.” When we asked why they were treating a series of awful murders so casually, Chapeau responded, “look, I don’t like Kim Kardashian or Miley Cyrus either. But what am I supposed to do, arrest them because they’re what’s cool right now? That’s stupid! You’re stupid!” After a ten minute volley of us calling him stupid back, we left feeling defeated. This fad may have come as a result of students who have become nihilistic after one too many philosophy classes, or perhaps the students raised by helicopter parents found a new way to rebel. Either way, the new fad is scaring the shit out of us. We spoke with C.D. Romknee, a frat star-looking guy who we happened to run into at all the crime scenes. “Bro, it’s like this: you could be like the guys in Neighbors and have a prank war back and forth, but how do you win a prank war? What’s the biggest prank you can pull on someone? Just straight up murdering them. I mean… I haven’t done it,” he told us while shifting his eyes back and forth, “but, you know, I get it.” Hopefully the trend ends soon, otherwise Halloween is going to be scary as fuck. The Black Sheep reminds you that when you’re at that party on the 31st, people won’t just tap your beer to make it overflow, they’ll just straight up stab you, son. Watch your back.
9.) Human Centipede: There’s a reason this movie has been banned in multiple countries. No one wants to see people ass-to-mouth crawling around, begging for candy. Well, maybe some of you do and you should be ashamed, you sickos. 8.) Homeless Person: There’s nothing quite like using a holiday to make fun of the less fortunate. Jerk. 7.) A Flasher: If you think this is an easy way to get people to hook up with you, you’re wrong. No one wants to see your junk on a regular day, what makes you think a room full of people at Halloween party are going to? 6.) Suicide Bomber: This has been the costume choice of assholes everywhere since 9/11. Dressing up like Osama bin Laden and yelling, “death to America” isn’t gonna make you any friends. Instead, you’ll just get decked in the face by someone dressed as Uncle Sam. ‘Murica! 5.) Blackface: As tempting as it sounds, DON’T DO IT. It doesn’t matter if you’re 1/16th black, the great-great grandchild of Harriet Tubman, or feel like you were black in another life. It was offensive when Al Jolson did it in the ‘20s and it’s just as bad now. Even if you’re black we wouldn’t recommend it… it’s just that bad. 4.) Hitler: We know it seems a simple costume to put together; a quick Sharpie moustache, a crazy hand signal, and some hatred in your heart, but trust us, it’s still too soon. It’s always too soon. If you need to do Hitler, try a wacky Hitler so your gay, Jewish gypsy friend won’t be offended. 3.) Priest and Little Boy: Or you could point out that Jesus isn’t real if you’re just looking to piss off Catholics. Something about seeing a man dressed as a Priest with a doll of a small child wrapped around his waist just screams “I’m going to Hell.” 2.) Native American Anything: Halloween, Coachella, or any other event is not a good reason for cultural appropriation. If you use days like Halloween as an excuse to wear a headdress and faux buckskin belly shirt we sincerely hope you get haunted by the ghost of an Indian chief. Or some low level Native American pencil pusher, it doesn’t have to be the chief. 1.) Ray Rice: Sure, there are enough elevators in Watterson to make this really realistic, but even fake domestic abuse isn’t a good look for anyone. Unless, you know, you can dance really well and make catchy music. Then everyone forgets that you literally beat the shit out of a person. Jennifer Green wrote this
PAGE 6 • HEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
#JUSTICE
Student Finally Gets Points Taken Off Exam for Sneezing Staff wrote this During a macroeconomics exam last week, Charlie Owens sneezed and sniffled the entire time. While nothing is usually done about incidents like this, Professor Werner Baer decided to take a stand. Many students are praising his actions, calling it a “revolutionary act that will change test-taking for good.” “I couldn’t stand by and let this student ruin the testing environment while all the other students sat captive, unable to do anything,” Baer told The Black Sheep. Baer confessed that his initial reaction was to walk up to the student and bellow, “Get out, you useless piece of shit!” but said that he recanted, waiting until Owens came to turn in his test. After bringing his test forward, Baer recalls that he “took him downstairs and told him how irresponsible it was for him to bring his sickness into a crowd of hundreds of students. “My God, he could have Ebola for all we know!” one student yelled. Baer then took 25 points off Owens’ test, and gave all the students
in a 10-foot radius 25 extra points. Freshman Lilly Herman was sitting next to Owens during his sneezing fits and agreed with the punishments Baer meted out. “I’ve seen plenty of sneezing fits in my time here, but Charlie was out of control,” Herman remembered. “And I think giving the students around him 25 points was a totally necessary measure. I heard he has Ebola,” she continued with wide eyes. However, not all students are happy with the decision, namely Owens. “This whole thing is a joke,” Owens angrily sputtered. “How am I supposed to control how much I’m sneezing? Sure, maybe I could’ve taken some Mucinex, but come on.” While he has tried to rally support among his fellow students, Owens informed us they have been far from receptive. “They’ll typically say things like, ‘serves you right, idiot’ and, ‘good,
I’m going to actually start paying attention in Baer’s lectures for now on, he’s the man,’” Owens said with a look that made us almost feel bad for him. He also mentioned that he’s been attempting to build a case to bring to the administration, but unfortunately with the lack of support, he’s been unable to build a following large enough to even get on their radar.
“How am I supposed to control how much I’m sneezing? Sure, maybe I could’ve taken some Mucinex, but come on.” Twitter activist Suey Park, however, says that she is just the person to help bring Owens’ issue to relevancy. “This is a free speech problem, not a points
problem,” contends Park. In Park’s mind, Owens has the right to sneeze wherever he may please, and the university’s attempt to infringe upon that right is an atrocity. While we’re told that the all-powerful President Larry Dietz scoffs at the idea of sneezing being what the founding fathers referred to in the First Amendment, Park refuses to back down. “I will tweet #righttosneeze until my dying breath, or at least until people stop retweeting it,” Park said
with a conviction not seen since Captain Edward Smith went down with the Titanic. Whatever becomes of Owens’ grade, one thing is for certain: He’ll never sniffle in class again, let alone sneeze. And while some may oppose his punishment, the majority of the populace can breathe a collective sigh of relief that sneezers will think twice before emptying their sinuses during an exam.
DOWNLOAD OUR FREE iPHONE AND ANDROID APP
Actually Just Bad Acid Trip Veronica Silverado wrote this This All Hallows’ Eve began much like any other for two sophomore Redbirds: Andrew Banks and Lindsey Jacobs. The Illinois State students attended a party thrown by a friend’s older brother on Dewey Street with every intention of making the most out of everyone’s favorite holiday. “We got to the party at around eleven. We didn’t want to be the n00bs that show up first,” said Banks, “that’s n00bs with two zeros, not o’s, by the way.” The party was in full swing by the time they arrived. By midnight, the four students were feeling drunker than expected. “I really didn’t drink that much, maybe three beers by then? But it didn’t feel like that,” said Jacobs, “it felt like taking seven shots of Burnett’s in a row with no chaser... and then taking molly… and then being spun around ten times and then trying to hit a piñata made of human skin. It was fun at first, but then just scary.” One of the party house’s residents, Billy Baker, began to talk to them and could see they were extremely drunk. “One of them wanted to go to a graveyard and find zombies. I thought it sounded cool so I decided to tag along and bring some beer to see if the undead like to party.”
The three of them ventured outside. “The world felt like it was turning way too fast,” remembered Andrew Banks. “Things were the wrong colors and I swear to God I saw trash can turn into a talking mushroom man. I was tweaking, dude.” Outside, the group realized none of them knew of any graveyards in town, let alone how to get there, so they simply began to walk aimlessly. The group found a small creek behind some apartments on Flora Way. “Both of them were convinced we had made it to a graveyard, so we went with it,” said Baker. Baker then sat down near the creek. “Banks kept saying he knew there were zombies around,” recalled Jacobs. “Zombies only come out on Halloween, guys. They do!’ He kept screaming. So it was no wonder he mistook Baker for a zombie.” Baker stood up slowly and Banks immediately ran at him yelling, “DIE ZOMBIE, DIE,” and began attacking him. “He got in a few good punches, actually,” said Baker. “I figured I’d let him think he killed me, so I just fell to the ground. They ran away after that.”
thought was a zombie attack. “We’re fairly used to getting some crazies in here on Halloween,” Police officer Earl Stevens told The Black Sheep. After a drug test, it was revealed the two of them had been slipped acid at some point during the night, which explained the zombie sightings.
Banks and Jacobs immediately ran to the police station to enlighten law enforcement of what they
“No charges were pressed against Andrew Banks for punching William Baker,” Officer Stevens noted. “We
General Repair Transmission Custom Exhaust
www.midstatetransmission.net www.facebook.com/midstatetransmission
GO FOR THE PROS! 1408 Fort Jesse Road | Normal, Illinois 61761 | (309) 452-5595
figured tripping balls and visions of the undead was punishment enough.” Officer Stevens warned other students who find themselves in similar situation “be aware of your surroundings and don’t let anyone convince you to go to a graveyard and kill zombies. We really didn’t think we had to tell you that… Aren’t you guys supposed to be in college?”
THE BLACK SHEEP ONLINE .COM ARTICLES • DRINKING GAMES THE BAR GRID • PURE AWESOMENESS
PAGE 7 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
Students Believe They Raise Man from the Dead
Now Rent ing f or 2014-2015!
contact us today4.2960 // ClassActRealty.com 309. 45
ra way 6 N Fell // 505 S Fell // 12 flo 30 // ll fe n 6 20 // ry er Ch // 102 East // 912 W HOvey 1 S walnut // 610 W Hovey 30 // st cu Lo W 102 // e aid on // 700 N adel 808 s linden // 320 e vern // ll nix // 710 Dale de Lin 4 30 // y le gs 402 kin townhomes // 205 E. Phoe y wa ra flo // st cu Lo W ol // 118 204 N Linden // 502 N Scho
l avail student apartments stil
able!
mention the black sheep and get $50 off your deposit!
Lunker’s
The Bar Grid SPECIAL NIGHT
TUESDAYS: JOIN THE IMPORT CLUB! Drink all 40 imports and get your name and a quote on the wall plus a free t-shirt!
TUESDAY: Dollar Night! $1 12oz UV Flavors $3 U Call Its Kyle Yapp
Friday, October 31st Fat Jack’s Halloween Party! 3 Different Costume Contests with Over $1000 in Prizes!
Don’t Miss Our Halloween Karaoke Party on Saturday Nov. 1st!
THURSDAY
$1 Wells and UV Flavors $1.50 Miller Family Bottles or 16oz Coors Light Cans $2.50 Red Bull Vodka
$1.50 Double Wells $2 Bombs, Bud, Bud Light, Select, Long Islands, Live DJ
$3 Domestic Bottles $3 Well Drinks $3 Draft Pints
$3 Pitchers of Miller High Life, $2 Bottles of PBR $2 Vodka Well Drinks
FRIDAY
$1.50 Bud Family 20oz Drafts $2 16oz Micro Drafts $2.50 Fireball $4 Bud Family Pitchers
Happy Hour! $3 Double Wells, Bombs, Domestics, $4 Long Islands, POWER SHOTS, $0.25 Wings, Live DJ
$3 Fat Jack Cocktails, All Flavored Vodkas, Jim Beam & Heineken bottles
$2.75 20oz Miller Lite Draft
SATURDAY
$1.50 Miller Family Bottles or 16oz Coors Light Cans $2 Wells and UV Flavors $2.25 Bud Family 20oz Drafts $3 Vegas Bombs
Happy Hour! $3 Double Wells, Bombs, Domestics, $4 Long Islands, Jack Daniels POWER SHOTS, 1/2 off Appetizers Live DJ
$3 Hurricane & Tsunami Drinks, Bud Select & Bud Light Lime Bottles
Karaoke at 10pm! $3.50 15oz, $4 20oz Import or Craft Draft Beer
SUNDAY
$1.50 Miller Family Bottles or 16oz Coors Light Cans $2 Wells and UV Flavors $2.25 Bud Family 20oz Drafts $3 Vegas Bombs
$2 Domestic Bottles and Drafts, $3 U Calls Its 1/2 Priced Thin Crust Pizza
All $3 Daily Specials!
Closed
MONDAY
$1.50 Miller Family Bottles and 16oz Coors Light Cans $2.50 Beam, SoCo and Seagram 7 Drinks
$2 Drafts & Bottles, $2 Double Wells, 1/2 Priced Wine $0.25 Wings Trivia Night!
Rumday! $3 Captain Morgan, Malibu, Import & Craft Bottles
$1.75 Miller Lite Pints
TUESDAY
JOIN THE IMPORT CLUB! Drink all 40 imports and get your name on the wall plus a free t-shirt! $2 Import and Micro Bottles, $2 Well & UV Flavors, $2 All Drafts
Dollar Night! $1 12oz UV Flavors, $3 U Call Its Kyle Yapp
$3 Draft Pints & American Harvest Vodka
$2.75 20 oz. Miller Lite Draft 1st and 3rd Tuesday of the month is Comedy Open Mic at 8pm!
WEDNESDAY
All Rum Wednesdays! $1 Domestic Bottles $2.50 Fireball $2.50 All Rums
Wasted Wednesday! $1 Bombs, $2 Long Islands, $3 Pitchers (Domestics), $6 Fishbowls, 1/2 Priced L-Thin pizza
$3 Well Drinks $3 Half-Pints on Draft $3 Bombs
Karaoke at 9pm! $2.00 Well Drinks and Miller Lite Pints
The Bar Grid Sunday Bloody Sunday ALL of our Daily Specials available! $4 16oz Ultimate Bloody Marys featuring Ketel One Vodka
SATURDAY: $2.75 Coronas $6 32oz Rum and Coke & Vodka Lemonade
Welcome Back Alums! $5 32oz Keeper Cup! Food and Drink Specials All Weekend!
Sunday & Wednesday Bucket Day! $9 Domestic Buckets (5 Bottles) $8 Margarita Pitchers Every Day!
SPECIAL NIGHT
Tapper Thursday $3.75 All 20oz Draught Pints
$2 Miller Family Bottles $2 Well Drinks and Well Shots $6 32oz Vodka Red Bulls $4 Bud Light Pitchers $3.50 12oz Bacardi Family Drinks
$2 Domestic Longnecks, $3 Captain and/or Bacardi
$2.50 19oz Bud Light and Miller Lite Drafts $8 Margarita Pitchers
THURSDAY
Failte Friday Try our special Long Ireland Iced Tea for $4!
$2 Redds $3 Fireball Shots $6 32oz Long Islands
$2 22oz Keeper Cup, $2.75 Corona, $3 Liquor Specials
$2.50 Import Bottles and Malt Beverages $8 Margarita Pitchers Every Day!
FRIDAY
Slainte Saturday: $3 Any Flavor of Three Olives Premium Vodka
$2.75 Coronas $6 32oz Rum and Coke & Vodka Lemonade $3.50 12oz Bacardi Family Drinks
$3.50 24oz cup $3.50 Liquor Special
$2.50 Well Drinks $8 Margarita Pitchers
SATURDAY
Sunday Bloody Sunday ALL of our Daily Specials available! $4 16oz Ultimate Bloody Marys featuring Ketel One Vodka
Closed
$3.50 24oz Cups $3.50 Liquor Special
Bucket Day! $9 Domestic Buckets (5 Bottles) $8 Margarita Pitchers Every Day!
SUNDAY
Mad Monday! $3 All Import Bottles and Microbrew Bottles
$9 Domestic Buckets (5 Bottles)
$4 Domestic Pitchers $3 Fireball Shots
$3 Smirnoff Vodka Drinks (Any Flavor) $8 Margarita Pitchers
MONDAY
Well To Do Tuesday $3 All WELL Vodka, Gin, Rum, Tequila, American Whiskey and Liquors
$2 You-Call-Its
$2 Domestic Longnecks $3 Imports, Micros, & Rail Calls
$3 Captain Morgan $8 Margarita Pitchers Every Day!
TUESDAY
$7 Premium Pitchers
$4 Bud Family Pitchers, Vodka Red Bull, & All Bombs
Bucket Day! $9 Domestic Buckets (5 Bottles) $8 Margarita Pitchers
WEDNESDAY
Whiskey Wednesday $3 All CALL American, Irish, Scotch and Canadian Whiskey
PAGE 10 • HEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
CURRENT EVENTS
Bloomington Police Raid Underground StudentProfessor Fight Club Staff wrote this
Four professors and almost a dozen students are in custody after Bloomington police raided a supposed “fight club” ring in the basement of the Bone Student Center. “Professor Walters said I could show up here for an extra credit assignment,” student Jeff Peters, recently released on bond, noted, “I bombed my first Chemistry exam and I needed all the help I could get. I walked in and he’s just, like, shirtless and sweaty and I was ready to suck his dick I guess, but then this other student came out of the shadows and socked him right in the mouth. Blood got all over me, but it was a little better than that other option.” Bloomington police received a call around 10 p.m. Sunday night from 23-year-old ISU student Tommy Smith. Smith said he saw 3 of his own professors sneak into the building while one of them stood by the door letting in what appeared to be students.
“I saw not one, but three of my own professors enter the building. They looked sweaty and up to no good,“ said Smith, “when I saw a former classmate of mine enter the building along with the other students I felt it was my duty to call the police.”
“Ambitious students looking to earn a 4.0 have to knock a professor out cold.” Police entered the building to find nothing out of the ordinary until they got to the basement. When the doors opened they saw a blood bath. Professors and students were violently attacking each other. Limbs were being cracked left and right. There were several toes, dozens of bloody teeth, and an eyeball on the ground. “It was a complete shit-storm in turd town,” said BPD Officer Moore “it was
like a zoo full of angry, uncivilized baboons on a mission to make the dean’s list by beating the crap out of their instructors. These people need Jesus.” The BPD began making arrests shortly after the shock wore off. “It was a challenging task because adrenaline was high,” Moore whispered, staring into the distance, “we couldn’t tame these rabid students and teachers, they weren’t going down without a fight. One student even bit his chemistry professor’s ear off.” “It’s my senior year and I have to pass this class to graduate,” said student Gary Clark, “he told me if I want to pass I better not go easy on him, so naturally I went for his ear and bit that fucker off.” “The students were told that the more severely they could injure their professor the higher the grade they would receive,” said Officer Moore, “I haven’t seen anything this ungodly in all my years as an officer.”
Students were told blows below the belt earned a 1.5 or 2.0 GPA, depending on how strong it was. Stomach shots earned students anywhere from a 2.5 to a 3.0 in the class, the more internal bleeding the higher the grade. Anything from the neck up would merit a 3.5. Ambitious students looking to earn a 4.0 have to knock a professor out cold.
“As of now, we have about 30 students in custody,” said Moore, “all of the teachers involved are on their way to the hospital. These students were brutal… They were all going for 4.0s… The savages...” Students and teachers involved in the scandal will meet for a court trial next Monday. There is no answer whether the teachers and students will be able to stay at the university.
GET READY FOR OUR
HALLOWEEN PARTY! FRIDAY, OCTOBER 31st 3 DIFFERENT COSTUME CONTESTS WITH OVER $1000 IN PRIZES! 511 N MAIN ST. • BLOOMINGTON, IL • 309.821.9222
BARTENDER of the WEEK Relationship Status: Single • Favorite Drink: Margarita Favorite Shot: Patron • Disgusting Drink: Sambuca What do you think Captain Morgan is hiding behind that moustache?: His really small lips... Actually, who knows what guys hide under there. Ordering a martini in a college bar is…: Probably the worst thing you could ever do. Where’s the last strange place you’ve woken up?: In my own bed but not remembering how I got there... And naked. What now-irrelevant athletic achievement are you most proud of?: I can do a lot of pole tricks. But I like to think that’s still relevant. What chain restaurant is criminally underrated and why?: Rosati’s. They don’t get enough credit for their Italian beef. If you had to fill a mason jar with tears in 24 hours or less, how would you do it?: Eat ghost peppers. How do you shave a rooster?: Grab its neck and go to town.
SKYLAR of ELROY’S THE DRINKING GAME PIN THE TAIL ON THE RA
Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because it’s better than our newspaper. It’s more fun to read it.
RECIPE FOR DISASTER SUGAR-COATED CAVITY FILLING
It’s been a few months since you moved into your new dorm and you’re understandably tired of hearing shit from your RA about not “getting blacked out in the halls” or “puking in the water fountain instead of the toilet.” Whatever. It’s time to show the boss who’s boss. Follow these rules and you’ll successfully pin the tail on your RA.
Hey, you little three–year-old, you still have to go to the dentist? You still have to get fillings? Did you have too much candy this weekend? Maybe next time let your babysitter know your limitations. Or grow up and stop eating three pounds of Sour Patch Kids every week, you’re 20 years old for crissake. It’s time to move on to red meat and salads.
What You’ll Need: A pin, a piece of paper that says “ASSHOLE,” and enough speed to run away from a nerd who’s still a RA. Number of Players: You and an unsuspecting loser. Level of Intoxication: Drunk enough to stab your RA in the ass with a pin.
What You’ll Need: The maturity of a kindergartener, about $1.59 cents at a gas station, a lack of self-pride and an abundance of self-indulgence. Fatty Factor: The weight you’ll gain in fat you’ll lose in missing teeth, don’t worry about it.
How to Play: - Hold a grudge for a notice you were given weeks ago for peeing in your neighbor’s fridge. - Don’t pee for an entire week. - Finally release your urine on your RA’s doorstep as a warning shot. - When you’re done hosing down your RA’s door, knock and hide next to the entrance while giggling. - Wait for your RA to open the door, slip and fall face-first into your golden pond. - When the RA is face-down, ass-up, pin the piece of paper that reads, “ASSHOLE” into the RA’s butt. - #GTFO and RUN. The Game Ends When: You don’t wake up to a notice on your door and think the operation was a success, turn the corner and find two police officers waiting to bring you to the station.
DOWNLOAD OUR FREE APP FOR ALL THE GAMES!
Let’s Get Baked: - Instead of accepting an invitation from a friend to go out to the bars, stay indoors and eat four bags of popcorn. - Once you realize you’ll need something sweet to balance out all that salt, gather your quarters and go to the store for some candy. - Take one pound of Twizzlers, three cups of gummy bears and a 48 oz. sack of Sour Patch Kids and mix them in a bowl. - Grab a spoon and dig in (whipped cream on top is optional but recommended). - When you feel a sharp pain and hear a loud pop in your mouth, ignore it and continue eating. - Fall asleep with the spoon in your mouth and an empty bowl on your stomach. - Wake up to the feeling of not being able to breathe, discover you’re choking. - Cough up one of the fillings you received last week, throw away and continue eating like the proud fourth-grader you’ve set out to be. Sure, you’re probably going to die at the age of 24 with clogged veins and a sugar headache so bad your eyes begin oozing glucose, but my god, death and social disgrace has never tasted so good.
NOMNOMNOM AT THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
WHAT KIND OF HALLOWEEN PARTY SHOULD YOU ATTEND?
If you’re seeing your dorm covered in spider webs, with a multitude of carved pumpkins, and an occasional exorcism happening at your local Catholic church, then it must be Halloween. And because it’s Halloween it must mean there are sorority and fraternity parties or house parties that you’ll be attending. There will be some awesome parties full of orange Jell-O shots and slutty costumes, and then there will be those parties that have bobbing for apples and the Halloweentown series playing in the corner. Now, one party may sound better than the other. The Black Sheep is here to help you determine which kind of party you’re attending. Enjoy whatever party you choose. PS: We hope you win the costume contest.
Spot the difference!
THE BACK PAGE
Can you find the 8 differences in this furry dining scene? Email us at classtime@theblacksheeponline.com. If you're right, you'll win a prize!
the WEEKEND BACK HOME madlib After all the parties on ___1___ and the constant attention from the dude in my ___2___ class and the T.A. with the big ___3___ in my ___4___ class, I just needed to get away for awhile. So I borrowed my roommates ___5___ and headed back home to ___6___, to see what the young ___7___ are up to and sleep in a real bed. But when I got home, my room had been turned into something out of a ___8___-music video, and I quickly shut the door. I instantly hit-up ___9___, my old friend who I knew would have some dank ___10___ that I so suddenly needed. We met up at ___11___ and everything felt like I had never left. I told him/her about college, how I’ve drank ___12___ of flavors of Burnett’s so far and that I’ve realized ___13___ is my favorite of all shitty beers. Then, per tradition, we went to ___14___ and laughed about how we couldn’t tell if ___15___ was fat or pregnant. The next morning I woke up on the couch, with the local ___16___ news on, and my parent’s new ___17___ puppy taking a poo on the floor. I looked over and all my clothes - dirty or not - were cleaned and folded on top of my bag. I walked over to the kitchen to grab a box of ___18___ and to make a pot of coffee, which I noticed was already made. God, parents are so adult-like. I sat down and sighed at how pleasant and relaxing it was to be at home, without ___19___ on the 2nd floor screaming ___20___ lyrics at 4 a.m., or without ___21___ down the hall pounding on my door to shotgun ___22___s to ___23___ before we hit up a frat party. But I knew it was time to head back to ___24___ when I heard strange noises from inside my old bedroom. That’s when I noticed 50 Shades of Grey on the kitchen counter and thought, “Isn’t that book so two-years ago, anyway?” and remembered why I hated my antiquated town. I gathered up my clean clothes, wrote my parents a note expressing how glad I was they were enjoying being empty-nesters, and hit the open road.
CLUE BANK 1) Campus street 2) Required class 3) Body part 4) Blow-off class 5) Luxury car 6) Hometown 7) Your high school’s mascot 8) Heavy metal artist 9) High school stoner friend 10) Weed slang 11) Your old weed-smoking spot 12) Number 13) Cheap beer 14) Old munchies spot 15) Old female acquaintance 16) Basic cable channel 17) Type of dog 18) Kid cereal 19) Slutty girl 20) Pop star 21) Bro-y bro 22) Shitty beer 23) Even shittier EDM artist 24) College town
15
SIX DEGREES OF SEPARATION KATE UPTON
MORGAN FREEMAN Kate Upton and Morgan Freeman are connected in - you guessed it - six degrees. Do you know how that’s possible? Tweet us your answers or send us the breakdown at classtime@theblacksheeponline.com. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!
Find Great Specials All Week at D’Agostino’s! AWESOME WEDNESDAY SPECIAL!
1/2 Priced Large Thin Crust One-Topping Pizza, Dine-In Bar and Carry Out Only
2 FOR TUESDAYS AND THURSDAY! Tuesday:
Two FREE Toppings on any Thin Crust Pizza ALL DAY!
Thursday:
Two FREE Toppings on any Pan or Stuffed Crust Pizza.
CALL US TODAY: 309-665-DAGS • WWW.DAGSDELIVERS.COM
FULL MENU AVAILABLE