Illinois State - Issue 6 - 4/3/2014 by The Black Sheep

The Black Sheep

FRE E. A P .. LIKE RES IDE GIVIN N T I G YO AL ASS UR GA -WH RD OOP ENER ING .

Vol. 6, Issue 6

THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE

4/3/14 - 4/16/14

GARDENER OF TRUTH: THE PATRICK MURPHY STORY SCOOP CHANG WROTE THIS

No doubt you’ve already heard the news about beliked ISU President Timothy Flanagan and his resignation. The former president had a quarrel with groundskeeper Patrick Murphy, allegedly culminating with Flanagan yelling, hitting, and spitting on Murphy. We’ve heard what the public relations people at ISU have said about the issue, but no one has heard the story from Murphy’s point of view. The Black Sheep presents Patrick Murphy: Behind the Saliva: It started off like any normal day, I arrived at the president’s house around 4a.m.; Mr. Flanagan likes his grass freshly cut every morning before he wakes up and his hedges trimmed into his likeness. I had heard that he was very punctual and to never show up late, so I made sure all my clocks were set to daylight savings time. I showed up around 3:55 and started mowing the lawn like always, until I saw him staring me down from his window. I looked up and there he was, just watching me. I waved up at him, but he didn’t wave back. He didn’t even move for another 15 minutes, he just stood there staring at me. I finished up the lawn, but before I could start on the hedges, I heard the front door slam open. I said “Hello, Mr. Flanagan!” but he said nothing as he walked up to me. He got so close, I could feel his icy breath as he snorted, “‘You’re an hour late, Murphy.’” “It’s… it’s daylight savings time,” I sputtered nervously, “I was actually a few minutes ear—“

“‘I don’t care what ethnic holiday you’re celebrating Murphy!’” He was fuming already, Murphy recalled, “’You don’t get to come in late just because you want to!’” “It’s not a holiday, sir,” I responded, “it’s when everyone changes all the clocks--” “’I don’t know how they do things back in Mexico, or Guatemala, or wherever you’re from Murphy, but here in AMERICA!’ Flanagan exclaimed, growing steadily louder as his face became a dark crimson, ‘we need the smell of a fresh cut lawn to start our day off on the right foot!’” “I’m… I’m… actually Irish—“ I tried to explain, but he was on a roll now. Murphy dabbed his eyes with a tissue. He was livid. He screamed, “’Do you know how many people work for me Murphy, you insolent cur?! How many people depend on me to make life-changing decisions every day?! Decisions I can’t make if I don’t smell freshly cut grass the moment I wake up!’” Even though he stood a few inches shorter than me, Murphy sobbed, I felt small next to the now-purpling, screaming man. He started flapping his arms wildly as if he were a coked-out bird about to take flight. “’MY LAWN IS MY LIFE, MURPHY!’” He screamed, “’MY LIFE! Do you even have a lawn, you Italian piece of trash?’” I promised Mr. Flanagan I’d come early

next time. I tried to plead with him, Murphy recalled, though he must’ve thought I was being sarcastic because he shoved me so hard in the chest that I fell to the ground. He crouched down over me and asked, “’Is this a game to you Murphy, you ice-humping Inuit? If you so much as utter another word, I will cut off your face

and give it to your children as a sunlight savers day present!’” I said nothing. There was no reasoning with the man. I waited to see what he would do next, but he just turned and started to walk back inside. I started to get up, but before I could Flanagan ran

back and came at me as if he were about to punch me in the face. I flinched as his fist approached, but didn’t feel the blow. I opened my eyes to see him smirking. With a loud snort he gathered mucus in his throat before spitting it into my open eyes. “‘Pussy.’” He muttered before walking back to his door.

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BLO-NO BUILDS PORTILLO’S, BURNS DOWN

ISU STUDENT TOLD TO GO TO HELL

TYRION LANNISTER’S GUIDE TO COLLEGE

POURING HOT DOG GREASE OVER THE BUILDING IN CELEBRATION WAS A BAD IDEA.

JESUS WAS THERE AND HE GOT US ALL KINDS OF FUCKED UP.

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CURRENT EVENTS

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TOP

TEN

THINGS TO NOT SAY DURING A SUMMER JOB INTERVIEW

ISAAC DREIDELSCHLEITZE WROTE THIS 10.) “But first, let me take a selfie”: Obviously, this job interview is very important. After you introduce yourself and the interviewer tells you to take a seat, you shouldn’t ask if you can take a selfie for Instagram with the caption: “Lyke OMG first job interview #dolladollabillyo #professional #summer2014.” If you slip up and say it anyway, try to rebound by covering it up. “By selfie I meant self-assurance. I’m responsible like that.” 9.) “Hey can I bum a cigarette?”: Your interviewer will not appreciate the bluntness of the question. You should offer them one! If he says no, say “Good! Because smoking is terrible for you!” and spit on the floor.

BLO-NO BUILDS PORTILLO’S,

BURNS DOWN VERONICA SILVERADO WROTE THIS

Finally, after constant griping from suburbanborn Illinois State University students, Bloomington-Normal was given the greatest gift a town can receive: a Portillo’s restaurant. Students and Blo-No residents alike rejoiced over the grand opening until, later that day, the restaurant tragically burned to the ground. Within 24 hours of opening its doors, only ashes of the hot dog joint remain. “I guess you could say the celebration kind of got out of hand,” ISU student Will Dillon commented. “Yeah, you could definitely say that.” Opening night, Portillo’s threw an intimate and sexual gathering for students with drinks, illegal substances, and hot dog statuebuilding contests. Only a couple hours into the celebration, the crowd began to get rambunctious and, simply put, drunk as hell. The communal drinks were unknowingly spiked at the beginning of the evening, and most partygoers brought their own booze on top of that. By 9p.m., there wasn’t a sober person in sight. “From what I remember, the party was awesome,” Dillon said. “Drunk Portillo’s is basically an ISU student’s dream. I do remember watching a couple dudes shotgun hot dogs. They were going at those hot dogs like two white girls at a frat party that had just spent a week in a celibate farm town. It was… magical.” “I had a feeling that this might happen…” General Manager and former ISU student Clark Meyers, visibly shaken, said on the matter. “When I was at Illinois State, this is the same kind of shit I would have pulled. I probably should have kicked the drunker kids out, but the nostalgia man… I just couldn’t do it.” Portillo’s finally closed their doors at 10p.m., when only minutes later, the call was made to the fire department. The entire building was gone by 10:20. Thankfully, no one was hurt in

the fire except Clark Meyers’ mom, who died a slow, fiery death. Normal Police Chief Don Masterson believes that this act of arson is related to the others that have recently happened in the area. “Yeah well, this is this seventh restaurant to burn down in about a month around these here parts. The first four or five we thought were a coincidence but now, I’m guessing we should probably look a little deeper into this matter.” These other burned down restaurants include the new Taco Bell on Veterans Parkway, Fiesta Ranchera, and two McDonald’s around campus. Students are beginning to complain. Student Stephanie Adams had this to say: “I had to order Domino’s when I was high last week. Whoever is burning all these places down is an enemy of the stoner, that’s for sure.” Area residents are running wild with speculations of who this arsonist could be. Some believe it is a group of health-obsessed students. “God, it has to be athletic training majors. They are the literal worst,” student Mindy Robbins told us while watching the Portillo’s burn down. “Who else would take this wonderful gift of amazing hot dogs away from us?” Still, others say it’s someone working alone. “Fire is cleansing, and being cleansed is so beautiful,” said onlooker and ISU dropout Pedro Prankus. “Staring at the flames, you can almost see a phoenix rise out of the ashes! That’s what I—I, I mean, I’m sure that’s what the guys who burned this place down were thinking. Something crazy… yet insightful, beautiful… passionate.” The police have already finished their investigation and have no leads. Until then, Portillo’s will attempt to rebuild. For now, all we can do is wait and see. Only this can be confirmed: Portillo’s is the best.

8.) “How many employees have you slept with?”: While the interviewer may have slept with over ten of their employees at one time or another, this is not a very professional question. The interviewer might get the wrong idea and think you’re an undercover cop or something. If you really need to know how many employees he has slept with, just sleep with him and ask if you were his first. 7.) “My skills include browsing Reddit and smoking weed.”: Although you may possess particularly good refer-smoking and Reddit-lurking prowess the interviewer could be a fan of 4chan, Tumblr, and cocaine, which won’t get you the job. Instead, tell them that your skills include web design and herbal medicine. You’ll get the job. 6.) “Do you watch My Little Pony?”: If you’re a brony, all power to you. Just don’t the interview has this mutual… interest. The interviewer may very well be a brony too, and if that’s the case it’ll be worth the risk of asking him so you can show him your MLP tattoo. But if he’s not a brony, you won’t get the job. Instead, just tell him that you’re great with kids. It might land you a higher-up position because you have more marketable skills. 5.) “Does this look cancerous?”: Don’t show the interviewer the mole on your inner thigh, even if you’re concerned that it might be cancerous. The interviewer is not a doctor and can’t correctly identify a benign mole with his naked eye. But you should probably get that checked out. 4.) *Fart*: Had a little too much Chipotle before the interview? The smell from a bad meal coming out the other end could offend even the politest of interviewers. If you feel the urge, excuse yourself into the hallway and relieve yourself for the actual employees to smell, they can’t do anything about it. Or just blame it on the interviewer; stare him down without blinking until he admits it. 3.) “Dude I was going so hard down at Unofficial last month”: Oh, you went to Unofficial? Sweet! Talking about your alcoholism isn’t going to land you a job, not even at a bar in your hometown. If you wanna get wasted at work all the time, you can get a job at Wal-Mart. 2.) “Say My Name.” Interviewer: -Your Name-. “You’re God Damn Right”: We all saw Breaking Bad, no need to quote it. As funny as it would be to intimidate the fuck out of the interviewer, do not pretend to be a drug dealer from New Mexico. Or… give it a try! It might be better to pretend to be that, since you have no real skills. 1.) “My biggest weakness? Sexy interviewers.” *bites lip*: Don’t hit on your interviewer during the interview. You don’t want to complicate things by needing to provide constant sexual favors to your boss at Sears over the summer. It’s not worth it, man. A little footsie is fine, but nothing more, or he’ll start to expect it! Some playful winking or eye batting is also acceptable. Be subtle, douche!

AROUND CAMPUS SEND US YOUR PARTY PICS TO PICS@THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

ON THE STREETS WHAT’S THE GROSSEST THING YOU’VE EVER PUT UP WITH TO GET SOME? Steve, Senior

“The girl had puke on her shirt.”

Gabby, Freshman

“Bad breath.”

Connor, Freshman

“The girl had a third nipple.”

ISU STUDENT TOLD TO GO TO HELL; DOES, TALKS ABOUT EXPERIENCE JENNIFER GREEN WROTE THIS Known for his epic smart-assery, ability to drive any professor to the point of resignation, and his flawless hair, Fez Martin is a popular topic of conversation amongst students and professors alike. He knows how to push his professors to the edge, but during a particularly brutal math lesson he pushed too hard. Fez was antsy; having just rode his multiple motorcycles in a single drag race just 20 minutes before. Bored with the class, he let loose a stream of sarcastic comments under his breath to match everything his professor said. The professor cracked five minutes later. He stood up, slammed his hands on his desk, and shouted, “Go to Hell, Fez!” Shocked, Fez shut his pie hole for the remainder of the period and contemplated what the professor had said. Fez’s classmates, surprised that their class clown had no witty response, grew silent as everyone

stared in disbelief. Well, all but one kid who declared, “Damn teach’, you scary!”

the hole. He looked down into the pit, waved, and said, “Bye Satan! See ya in 30 years!”

After class Fez, the downtrodden douche, was walking to his dorm when he noticed a gaping hole in the Earth. Assuming ISU was building yet another Subway, he decided to get a closer look. Fez, being the world’s most sarcastic danger-seeker, climbed into the hole just as flames spurted up and evil laughter was heard for miles. Two other kids, apparently as curious as Fez, peered into the hole, only to fall in and die, but this isn’t about those clumsy fucks. Fez gathered that this was an actual pit into Hell and thought about retreating… but Fez just couldn’t resist the sweet, sweet literalism of taking his teacher’s advice and actually going to Hell.

The Black Sheep caught up with Fez after his hellish experience. “Hell wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. Sure, the constant screaming annoyed the hell out of me, in the most literal way, but the barbeque was amazing! I’ll definitely have to ask the devil for the recipe for his glaze!”

Weeks later, the hole reappeared in the middle of campus. Students stared as Fez climbed back out of

We asked Fez about the supposed torture that goes on and said, “Well, it turns out the idea of torture there is more along the lines of playing “Call Me Maybe” for eternity. Other than that, everyone was really nice! Plus my burns from the flames peeled and now I’m tan which is pretty tan-tastic.” When asked about the people he met while in Hell, Fez gave a very interesting answer, “Well obviously I met Hitler. Ya know,

people make him sound a lot worse than is. He taught me a lot, especially about ovens. The man knows everything about ‘em! Oddly enough, Jesus was there and lemme tell ya, he was turnin’ water into more than just wine. My last night there, Jesus got us all kinds of fucked up.”

Fez tells us he doesn’t plan on going back to Hell anytime soon. “Honestly, I just did it for the joke. I don’t see any reason to go back unless someone tells me to ‘go to Hell’ again. But who would want to do that anyway? I’m like the nicest guy!” With jovial laughs we

jokingly told him to go to Hell. On an unrelated note, Fez has been reported missing since The Black Sheep last spoke with him. If you see Fez Martin you should really inform someone. Like the police or something, we don’t really care, we’re just a paper.

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A “ W… I ALWAYS HAVE TO GO FIRST” WHINES ISU STUDENT, AARON AARONSON

Comedy Newspaper Confused About How to Present Real News as a Joke Scoop Chang wrote this The Black Sheep, a satirical publication at Illinois State University, thought they were in for an easy work week after the news broke on March 20th that President Timothy Flanagan would be resigning amidst recent assault charges. “I mean, we had already been making fun of him as a drunk, Irish stereotype,” Campus Manager Mittens McCoy told us, “but now he’s literally beating people up?” Mittens said the issue was practically writing itself until news broke a few days later that Flanagan had allegedly hit, spit on, and yelled at groundskeeper Patrick Murphy about the state of his lawn. “The staff had already written three articles about Flanagan drunkenly beating up fictional groundskeeper ‘Patrick

Mackey,’ the hilarious twist being that the person Flanagan beat up was his gardener and also that the gardener also had a comically Irish name,” Explained Mittens. “But the issue ended up being identical the newest Pantagraph.” The Black Sheep staff decided to go in a different direction. “We thought, wouldn’t it be crazy if instead of firing him for beating up the gardener, ISU gave him a paid vacation for a job well done?” Mittens told us excitedly. But on March 26th it was revealed that Flanagan would be paid around $480,000 to terminate his three-year contract. “I mean, he only gets paid $300,000 a year anyway, he made bank for beating up a gardener and it’s all coming out of taxpayer money!

You can’t make that stuff up.” Mittens and the staff were stumped. They decided to just go nuts and write an article about Flanagan causing an oil spill in Lake Michigan in an attempt to get attention off of him. “And then that actually fucking happened,” McCoy explained, clearly exasperated. “Our article didn’t even say it was BP that spilled the oil, which is way funnier than what we had.” Out of ideas, Mittens and the staff decided to write an article about their inability write an article, which, in our opinion, was kind of a cop out. “Whatever,” exclaimed McCoy, “the only other idea we had was some crappy story about a kid named Aaron Aaronson, this is much better by comparison.”

Nothing ever changes for Illinois State’s own Aaron Aaronson. The freshman crop and soil sciences major knows that every time someone calls attendance, it’s his name that will be called first. Every time a professor asks “Who’s going to present first?” A a ro n k n ows h e’s just going to go in alphabetical order. The worst came when Aaronson’s biology professor had the class dissect pigs in order of weight and Aaron’s obese piglet burst all over his unprotected face. Apparently the class had gone in reverse alphabetical order when picking out goggles and there was none left for Aaron, who received a nonfatal splash of pig organs to his eyes. The Black Sheep went to the home of Eric and Patricia Aaronson to ask them why they chose such a terrible name for their son. When they answered the door we were surprised to see that they were much younger than we had assumed, being only in their mid-30s. “Look, we know it’s a stupid name, but that’s why we picked it.” Eric told us, “That stupid kid took away our youth. We’re Catholic, it’s not like we could’ve gotten an abortion, so we did the next best thing.” The couple decided that if Aaron was going to take away their youth, they were going to take away his; by giving him a terrible name. “He doesn’t get bullied as much as we’d like, but we think encouraging him to take tuba lessons should help do the trick.” The couple doesn’t seem to have any remorse for putting Aaron through this turmoil, but after meeting the kid, The Black Sheep understands why. He’s just got this face and this voice that you just want to punch… Scoops Chang wrote this

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HOOKING-UP WITH YOUR TA: THE FIVE STAGES BLACK SHEEP STAFF WROTE THIS

Banging your TA is probably on your college bucket list, as it should be. You had a teacher in high school that you totally wanted to bone but the age gap was way too wide, and he was married with two kids. So now, here, in college, this is your time—now there’s someone who is your academic superior, but closer to you in age: Your TA. Just know that it’s not all sunshine and perfect grades. Here are the five stages when you’re expecting some sweet lovin’ from your TA. Stage One: The Meeting: You’ve told yourself that in order to get laid consistently, it’s important that you’re easy and open to new experiences. It’s Monday, your favorite night to go out, and you’ve successfully made it into the knickers of some miscellaneous person you bonded with over shots at Brewe Ha’s. Rolling off of the foreign bed and crashing to the floor in a haze, you look at the clock and remember you have class in 40 minutes. It’s now that he mentions that he also has class… in the same building, same room. It’s your TA. Stage Two: Realization: Of course this

isn’t just any class, this is COM 225, a class on interpersonal communication that preaches how to achieve a healthy, safe relationship (spoiler alert: this situation is not what the professors advise). After laughing at the ridiculousness of your life until you have a well-sculpted six pack, you make your way to class with the partner, and you think everyone knows what you two were up to (they probably do). You sit in his eye line, and of course the topic is about falling in love, and the dangers of hookups and forming actual relationships, so you just keep giggling because there is nothing else to do except take notes. But why? You’re banging the TA.

you’re going to bang for a half-hour, and leverage becomes commonplace: “you could come over, or I could accuse you of cheating on the next exam…” It’s pretty great, if you’re into that kind of thing. Whether they’re actually in charge of your grades or not, you’re going to do better on the next exam because you can take the Billy Madison approach to studying, stripping for the right answers. Hey, positive incentives work.

“Leverage becomes commonplace: ‘You could come over, or I could accuse you of cheating on the next exam...”

Stage Four: Weirdness: You thought this was going to be four-points and foreplay the whole time? Nope, it gets weird. One of you mentions a concept from class and things get uncomfortable. It actually occurs to you that this is your TA. It’s starting to seem a lot like banging your boss, except instead of monetary promotion, you just get a few extra points on your problem set. Like it or not, they’re one step above you once you walk in that lecture hall, and in the end, that sucks.

Stage Three: Continuation: After allowing this whole thing to actually sink in, it gets pretty awesome. Telling people you’re “going to office hours” means

Stage Five: Ending It: Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end. It was a great run, definitely an experience for bragging, something to

cross off the bucket list, but you have bigger things to start doing. It’s time to focus on banging on the 50-yard line, taking a dump at Pub II, and punching a Bradley Brave in the face. So you call it quits over a high five and exchange delightful pleasantries every Tuesday and Thursday, while keeping an eye out and making sure he’s not banging some other student, that shit is unacceptable.

So if you’re wondering what it’s like to get it on with a professor—that’s messed up, what is wrong with you? Just hookup with a TA. They’re practically your age and generally do most of the stupid things you do, so it’ll work for a few weeks. Just remember, no one wants to be that person that married their TA. Gross.

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Relationship Status: Single Major: Graphic Design

BARTENDER

Favorite Drink: Bud Light Lime Favorite Shot: Redheaded slut Disgusting Drink: Anything with a lot of hops.

ROCKSTAR

Why do you think people like Fireball so much?: They like it because “everyone likes it.” It’s ok, I’d drink it. Fill in this blank: “I wish Mulligan’s had a sign that said, “No____ allowed”: Pants. It’s always a party without pants.

OF THE WEEK Haley of Mulligan’s

What’s the best thing you’ve ever cooked by yourself?: Goulash

Any message you’d like to send to your worst enemy?: Go f*ck yourself! I wouldn’t really say anything, if I hate someone I don’t use my words. What do you think Miley Cyrus smells like?: Booze and rubber. She wears a lot of rubber, doesn’t she? What’s the grossest thing you’d stick your hand in a box of?: Boogers. It cleanses the skin. How would society be different if pants had never been invented?: Everything would be a lot easier. Be cool man, it’s just weed. Right?: … yeah, that’s cool (sarcastically). Why should people read The Black Sheep?: To see all of Mulligan’s amazing drink specials!

RECIPE for DISASTER

DRINKING GAME Dictionary!

Special Time ‘Cakes

Werds kan b haard sumtimez. Butt if u no how 2 make da werds work gud then u shuld plai is game 4real.

Hey there, happy birthday! It is your birthday, right? Or at least your fake ID’s birthday? Whatever, it’s another day and it’s another reason to be merry. So celebrate because you didn’t fall on your face walking to class, or because the internet exists, or because it’s almost 4/20. Whatever honorary holiday you make up, you’re going to need some sprinkles in your life, and that’s where we come in.

What You’ll Need: A dictionary, or a dictionary app on your phone. WE GET IT DARREN, YOU’RE RICH. Number of Players: Anywhere between two and a number that can only be defined by your imagination. Level of Intoxication: DARREN, DID YOU SHIT IN THE FLOWERPOT AGAIN? FUCK. How to Play: - One person begins as the guesser. - Have one player open up the dictionary to a random page, then point to a random word. Or, do the equivalent of whatever this is on the app you’re using. - If you’re using an app, remember the definition of this word, then randomly generate two other words. - If you’re using a real dictionary, then read the words immediately above and below the randomly chosen word. - Have the reader give the guesser his word - Have the reader recite these three definitions to the guesser. - In one guess the guesser must guess the correct definition of this word. - If the guesser guesses incorrectly, he must drink. - If the guesser guesses correctly, all other participants must drink. The Game Ends When: You make it from A to Z.

DOWNLOAD OUR FREE APP FOR ALL THE GAMES!

What You Need: 1 cup Bisquick pancake mix, 1 cup Funfetti Super Moist cake mix, 3 (or more) tablespoons rainbow sprinkles, 1 cup milk, 1 teaspoon vanilla, 2 eggs, 2 1/2 cups powdered sugar, 2 teaspoons milk, other toppings you think would be great on pancakes, like chocolate chips (or fruit, we guess). Cook Time: 20 to 30 minutes. Fatty Factor: They’re pretty, just like you are on the inside. Let’s Get Baked! - Heat your skillet over medium-high heat. - Grease with cooking spray or butter. - In a bowl, mix together the pancake mix, cake mix, rainbow sprinkles, milk, vanilla and eggs until blended. Be sure to not over-blend (something a mom told us once, so trust). - Grab a 1/4 cup measuring cup, and pour slightly less than that onto the hot griddle. - Cook until the edges start to dry and get bubbly. Don’t overcrowd the pan with pancakes unless you want one massive pancake (fine by us). Remember, patience is a virtue. - Flip those puppies over, and cook until golden brown. - Meanwhile, make your glaze by mixing together the powdered sugar and milk. - Top your stack of pancakes with glaze and add additional sprinkles and other toppings. You’re definitely going to want to Instagram the end result. Bitches love sprinkles and #specialtimecakes.

NOMNOMNOMNOM THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

Tyrion Lannister’s

GUIDE TO COLLEGE HANNAH WEYER WROTE THIS

When picking idols from Westeros, it’s very important that you choose wisely. Taking advice from Walder Frey seems harmless when you’re shtupping sixteen-year-olds, but if you’re not careful, you could end up [SEASON 3 SPOILER ALERT] mass-murdering your King and his entire posse at his uncle’s wedding. And listening to Theon Greyjoy could get your wiener cut off and sent to your dad. It’s a tricky business. That’s why it’s important to recognize the magnificence of Tyrion Lannister, our pocket-sized Westerosi idol. Tyrion not only has never killed anyone that we liked, he lives his life by a code we can really get behind: “Fuck bitches, get money.” He’s a clever little imp with a shitty dad and incestuous siblings (something we can all relate to) and he knows how to work the business-end of a shield. Is this wine-logged, scar-faced dwarf great? Yes. The greatest? Absolutely. A standard we should hold ourselves to the rest of our lives? Pretty much. Let’s all model our lives after our favorite little monster, starting with college!

F*CK BITCHES:

Take what you can get, man. Tyrion understands the importance of poon, make no mistake. Bitches’ cold asses belong on the wall though, because they won’t touch the pintsized player. Does this bother tiny Tyrion? Bitch please. Nothing cramps this Lion’s style. When ladies don’t respond to his smooth moves, Tyrion takes his dang-ding-dong to a hooker house. He spewnds a medium-sized fortune on hookers every year, not because he got his wittle feewings hurt and needs numbing no-nos, but because he knows that to keep his brain running at optimum levels he has to bone on the reg. We can all learn something from that.

GET MONEY:

When your bank account is bottomless, so is your beer. When your beer is bottomless, so is your weekend. To party like a rock star, you need to write un-bounced checks like a rock star. How? Tyrion suggests being born a Lannister. But if you’re a loser that can’t be born a Lannister, marry a Lannister. Bang a Lannister. Blackmail a Lannister. Entertain a Lannister. Pretend to be a Lannister. Make shoes for a Lannister. Somehow get a Lannister indebted to you, because a Lannister always pays his debts. God, you really do need to find a rich friend or two.

DRINK:

Drinking is good for you. It relieves stress, protects you from dealing with your sister sober and isn’t cholera-laced water that will kill you dead. But don’t be drinking whatever like some idiot Baratheon. No, the Imp has some ground rules: 1.) Being drunk all the time is not easy. If it were easy, everyone would do it. Earn your drunkenness. 2.) Everything is better with a belly full of wine, especially your parents. 3.) Start with the cocktails and don’t touch the cheap crap until you’re too drunk to know

the difference. Don’t be a noob.

BE CLEVER:

You’re in college because you’re smart, and you’re smart because you have to compensate for that face somehow. See what we did there? That there was Grade-A eloquent snark. The clever insult is Tyrion’s bread and butter, and it can be yours too if you stop acting like a dumbass. Get your head out of that prostitute’s lice-filled crotch and into your books! A mind needs books like a sword needs a whetstone, and honey, the sharper yours is, the more quickly you can cut through idiot [insert rival school nickname here]’s. “Maybe if you didn’t want to get pissed on, you should have worn better shoes. You banal troglodyte.” There, there’s your first one. You’re welcome.

HIT BELOW THE BELT:

Yeah, that’s a short joke. So sue us.

BE PATIENT:

Don’t have a “short” temper. Boom! There’s another one!

TYRION IS EXTREMELY SHORT:

Hahaha! We are on FIRE with these jokes!

PERSPECTIVE :

College seems enormous, and every little quiz is like another monster exam. Every little fling is a promise, every little hurdle a mountain, every little STD, AIDS. That’s exaggerating, and you’re a drama queen. Stop being a drama queen. Find the biggest obstacle you can find and laugh in its face until it feels self conscious and runs away. Face a horde of dirty, smelly mountain men and charm them to your side. Climb a mile-high ice wall and piss off the edge, you crazy bastard you! When you get to the top, everyone else looks super small for a change! Pee on them!

DRINK MORE:

Woohoo! Wine makes everything wonderful! Beer makes everyone beautiful! Vodka makes everything...vanguard! If you plan on going through life without getting taller, prettier or richer, you’d better start doing it drunker, and we don’t mean white-girl drunker! Drinking is serious business. No one’s going to take you seriously if six ales turn you into a giggly country music-listener. That’s not good drinking. That’s not appropriate behavior. Master the art of being drunk constantly. The constant drunk, like our favorite Lion, can double fist both beers AND significant plot-affecting conversations. Get to that level.

DRINK MORE:

Why are you still sober enough to read this?

SELF-ESTEEM:

Be realistic—if you’re short, be short; if you’re a dick, be a dick; if you can’t rap fo’ crap, be white. Own the shit you get shit for, because if you open with, “Hi, I’m Dennis and I can’t grow a beard,” no one’s going to turn around and say, “Wow, Dennis should change his name to “Denise,” because that is one girly face.” They won’t be all, “Do you think he has a testosterone deficiency? That poor girly bastard, let’s Photoshop boobs on his Facebook picture.” They can’t be like, ‘Did you see Denise’s mustache? Haha, she thinks she’s a guy, haha,’ because you’ve already covered that. “If you turn your weakness into armor, it can’t be used to hurt you,” unless your weakness is, like, iron maidens or something.

FAMILY:

Tyrion Lannister knows very well that family is the number one priority. Even if your sister’s a bitch that does the do with her twin, your twinbred nephew has the personality of poisoned cake, your mother is dead and your father wishes you were dead, family has to come first because they’re the ones with the non-delinquent bank account. Yeah,

Dad, I’m disappointed in my choice of career paths too. Can you help me out with rent this month?

DRAGONS:

Are dragons a metaphor for power? A symbol of the a-changing times? Heroin? It doesn’t matter. Dragons are real, and you should ignore everybody who says they’re not. Follow your dragons to the ends of the earth. Hijack them. Fly them back. Destroy everyone who ever called you fat in middle school. Burn them. Cook them. Let your dragon feast onwait, what were we talking about?

HAVE FUN:

Are you drunk yet? The best part of a functional alcoholism like Tyrion’s is that he can do all the same shit a sober Lannister can do, but he gets to do it with whiskey goggles, so it seems remarkably less shitty! Imagine being able to go to work without fantasizing about burning Taco Bell to the ground! Laughing at your geology professor’s rock jokes! Making small talk with the scary guy that’s always in the laundry room corner! The world is yours to laugh at, dance with, party on and mash erogenous zones with, so why be sad and sober? When you have serenaded yourself, drunk yourself happy, tamed some hardcore strange, found your dragon and boobs, read an awesome book, rented a couple dozen hookers, bought a couple dudes, tolerated your family, climbed a mountain, rolled around in gold coins, danced with your demons and killed a dude with a shield, THEN you will be as happy, as perfect and as awesome as Tyrion Lannister.

FIND THE CAMPUS SQUIRRELS

Can you find all the squirrels on this college campus? Email us at backpage@theblacksheeponline.com. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

the crossword

famous michaels

ACROSS: 2) Legendary Chicago Bears football player and coach. 4) Michael Cera’s character in Arrested Development, two words. 5) What disesase does Michael J. Fox suffer from? 7) Mike Rowe, the host of Dirty Jobs, is on

which channel? 10) Michael Buble is from this Canadian province, two words. 12) Mike who? Mike who? 13) Michael C. Hall played the lead in which HBO show? 15) Michael Jackson was born in this Indiana city.

DOWN: 1) He played Austin Powers, baby, two words. 3) This Michael is famous for his controversial documentaries. 5) The most decorated Olympic athlete. 6) What was Mike Sorrentino’s nickname on Jersey Shore? 8) Philadelphia Eagles quarterback who spent time in prison for illegal dog dighting. 9) Michael Jordan won 6 NBA Championships with this city’s team. 10) The current Mayor of New York City. 11) Mike’s makes what kind of hard beverage? 14) This Mike famously bit off a part of Evander Holyfield’s ear.

IF YOU DON’T START FOLLOWING US

WELL, YOU’LL JUST BE

MISSING OUT.

@BLACKSHEEP_ISU HEY, STALK US ON FACEBOOK WHILE YOU’RE AT IT:

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the m.a.s.h.

oh come on, you remember how to play! tally some marks on the paper for as long as your brain tells you to, then count through the whole list and cross off whatever corresponds with that number. when there’s only one left in each category, boom, that’s your future. live it, love it.

You’re going on a trip to… - Seattle - Los Angeles - Tuscon - Omaha

The sick whip of choice is… - An old-school RV - A 2014 Ford Escape - A Boeing 757 - A Chevy Astrovan

The only bummer is… - there’s no gas in the tank. - you forgot your cell phone charger. - the vehicle is loud as hell. - you forgot a lighter.

WIth your very best friend… - Kitty Pryde - Miley Cyrus - Taylor Momsen - Michelle Obama

It’s pimped out with… - like, 100 televisions - stripper poles - plush, cheetah carpeting - disco balls

and her new boyfriend… - Jeff Garlin - Prince Harry - Carson Daly - Vladimir Putin

and the mini fridge is loaded with… - strawberries - canned cat food - Patron - 11-year aged Wisconsin cheddar

When you got to your destination, the first thing you did was… - take a friggin’ leak. - masturbate. - buy some damn Fritos. - do some yoga. The second thing you did was… - get mad wasted. - Instagram some scenic views. - smoke a joint. - look for the nearest strip club.

Find Great Specials All Week at D’Agostino’s! AWESOME WEDNESDAY SPECIAL!

1/2 Priced Large Thin Crust One-Topping Pizza, Dine-In Bar and Carry Out Only

2 FOR TUESDAYS AND THURSDAY! Tuesday:

Two FREE Toppings on any Thin Crust Pizza ALL DAY!

Thursday:

Two FREE Toppings on any Pan or Stuffed Crust Pizza.

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