The Black Sheep
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Volume 7
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
Issue 5
Student Accidentally Matches with Faculty Member on Tinder Jennifer Green wrote this Tinder, the love child of advancements in technology and the increasing fear of getting to know people in real life, has rapidly gained popularity over the past year. Thousands of Illinois State students have turned to Tinder, but one student, junior Eliza Jenkins, got more than she bargained for out of the app. “I only downloaded the stupid app because my roommate got it,” Jenkins told The Black Sheep. “After days of her nagging at me, I caved and got an account. At first I just kind of went through it and made fun of all the pathetic losers using it and actually taking it seriously. Like, c’mon you’re not gonna find the love of your life over some weird app and you’re not gonna get laid either—not with those Facebook pictures. I kept making fun of it until one day I got a notification. It said I matched with someone. That’s when it happened—I became addicted.” Jenkins’ roommate, senior Nelli Faulk, commented on the situation saying, “This bitch made fun of Tinder nonstop. She acted like she was so above all of it and now she won’t stop checking it. She literally bought a waterproof case so she could take her phone into the shower with her… who does that?” After a few weeks of her Tinder addiction, Jenkins finally came across something that made her want to give up the app all together. “I was just browsing, swiping left and crushing men’s dreams when all of a sudden someone older popped up. Before I could stop myself I swiped right. I guess I was so used to just glancing and swiping that I didn’t exactly pay attention to which way I was swiping. I was so embarrassed I wanted to die.” Jenkins decided to set down her phone for a while and binge watch some Netflix shows to take her mind off her screw-up. One 10-hour Orange is the New Black marathon later, she decided to get off the couch and go check her phone. As soon as she turned it back on, her phone pinged with a notification… from Tinder. “I stared at my phone in pure horror and shock. The old guy swiped me back! We matched! Not only that, but he messaged me like ten million times in a row! I ran to Nelli’s room to show her and she just started laughing and wouldn’t tell me why. I got pissed and asked what she thought was so funny and that’s when she told me something that made me hate my life. The old dude I matched with was President Dietz… like the President of ISU.” “I couldn’t believe it,” Faulk told The Black Sheep, still laughing. “The
president of our university has a Tinder and let me tell ya… he really uses it. The very first message he sent said—” Faulk paused to wipe some tears from her eyes and let out the rest of her laughter, “it said ‘how much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the ice, how are ya?’ This is why old people shouldn’t have Tinder. What kind of a pick-up line is that? After those messages he kind of just kept sending messages about the weather and politics. It was weird.” Jenkins finally replied to her Tinder messages. “I messaged him back and said, ‘President Dietz, is that you?’ He didn’t say anything for a while,
but then I got a message back saying, ‘Oh God, I knew someone would eventually recognize me. Blast this new-fangled technology! Blast it all to heck! Listen, can this be our little secret?’ I told him I would keep it just between us to which he responded, ‘okay great! So do you still wanna go out sometime or…?’ I didn’t respond.” Immediately after the incident, Jenkins tweeted, “Wow look out ladies, Dietzy is prowling on Tinder.” 6 retweets and 45 favorites later, his secret was no longer safe. On an unrelated note, Tinder usage at ISU has dropped by 50%.
PAGE 5
PAGE 7
PAGES 12-13
STUDENTS DECIDE TO WALK DOWNTOWN TO PROTEST DD LAWS
ISU TO REQUIRE PHYSICAL EDUCATION FOR FAT STUDENTS
THE BLACK SHEEP INTERVIEWS: JIMMY PARDO
DEMOCRACY AT IT’S FINEST!
IT’S NEVER TO EARLY TO START WORKING ON THAT SUMMER BODY.
OUR CHAT WITH THE “COMIC’S COMIC.”
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PAGE 3
A FEW MORE WAYS
SEX EUPHEMISM OR SERIAL KILLER NICKNAME?
THE MAN OF THE VESTS
TO KILL SOME TIME.
BEAT OUR CAPTION! Tweet us a better caption and win a prize!
“Just wait until you see my Halloween costume.”
The above phrase is either a gross sex euphemism or a serial killer’s nickname. Which is it? Let us know by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize! Check back next week for this week’s answer!
WORD of the WEEK
QWERKEE A descriptor of anything intentionally misspelled.
Pam thought it would be qwerkee to end all her emails with “hugz n kizzez.” It was annoying.
GUESS THE REALITY TV STAR! Whatever your dirty pleasure may be, don’t deny you watch reality TV. To the left is a silhouette of a reality TV star, and below are three clues as to who the person is. Let us know who you think it is by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!
1
A native of Milan, Italy.
2
Founder of Royal Treatment, a high-end grooming line for pets.
3
Is a prince.
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ON THE STREETS What is the stupidest question you’ve ever asked someone? LILY, SENIOR “Mom, will you turn the shower on for me?”
MIKE, FRESHMAN
“I asked someone where Stevenson was while I was in Stevenson.”
ERIC, FRESHMAN
“One time I asked where North America was.”
06
DEMOCRACY
THE TOP TEN Reasons ISU Should be a Big Ten School A little bird told us that ISU Football wants to be part of The Big Ten Conference. The Black Sheep is positive that we’re up to the challenge, and here are our reasons why: 10.) Our team is good!: This season, our Illinois State Redbirds have proven they are more than equipped to go up against some good teams and fierce competitors. By bumping them up into a bigger and better conference, we can truly show the football world what ISU is made of… maybe even ruffle some feathers. 9.) We’re popular: ISU freshmen enrollment has been steadily increasing over the past few years, and now admissions wants to start letting in even more. The school is even putting up students in Watterson lounges, for crying out loud. Illinois State is moving up in the ranks of public colleges in the state and we deserve to sit amongst other universities of our caliber. Let us sit where we truly belong.
Students Decide to Walk Downtown to Protest DD Laws Veronica Silverado wrote this Over the past school year, students designated driving for money has become increasingly popular on Illinois State’s campus. Drivers found an easy way to earn money on weekends and partiers found and easier and cheaper way to get around. It seemed like a win-win situation until Twitter accounts like @ilstudd were penalized for advertising their DD services for money. As a way to protest these laws, some students have decided to band together for the next couple weekends and walk wherever they go out instead of taking party busses or cabs. The idea started evolving a few weeks ago, not long after the police started notifying students that their DD-ing actions were illegal. Frequent designated driver Andrea Floyd tweeted from her personal account @AndiLuvsYew on October 10, “still upset about dis DD shit. If you wanna walk downtown with me tonight, DM me.” The tweet received three favorites. “No one actually DM-ed me. I’m not as Twitter famous as I should be,” she later told us. Even though no one on Twitter was up to the challenge, Floyd managed to convince five of her friends to make the trek with her through campus, down Main Street, and all the way to Fat Jack’s. Throughout their Friday night, Floyd, Scottson, and their friends explained their protest to multiple bargoers. Some found the idea stupid: “Why not just take a party bus; it’s literally one dollar more?” a Drifters patron asked, but others found the protest beneficial. “It’s not fair, man,” said Six Strings patron Darren Rivera, “like, the cops are too hard on us. They give us no freedom. This is mother flippin’ America, dude, and I should be able to drive people downtown for money or marry my dad’s wife’s hot daughter or… take my dog on a plane. Why is that stuff so wrong, man?”
With each weekend, the number of walkers grew, as well as Floyd’s Twitter followers. “It was really a whirlwind like, I got noticed on campus for being the anti-DD girl. I could have cried,” Floyd told us. Floyd reportedly had a party for when she reached 700 Twitter followers. Only 11 of the 46 attendees at the party actually followed Floyd on Twitter.
8.) Watching the Redbirds on TV would be so much cooler: Watching our Birds on TV was great before, but now watching alongside millions of others on ESPN would be the most epic thing besides actually being at the game. At least this way to you can turn up as much as possible without having to worry how you’ll get home. 7.) U of I would finally realize we’re on their level: Joining the Big Ten would obviously benefit us in multiple ways, but showing our annoying older brother that we go even harder than them might take them down a peg. And that would feel fan-freakin-tastic. 6.) It’s a way to shine light on all athletics: Basically all of Illinois State athletics are the shit. From our football team, to our basketball team, we simply rock. Give the football team the opportunity to show their stuff and it will only help the other teams. Maybe now that sweet, sweet afro of Reggie Lynch will get the recognition it deserves. 5.) Our fancy new stadium would get some great use: The renovation on Hancock Stadium was finished last year. We spent a lot of our money to make that stadium what it is today and we wouldn’t mind getting to show it off a little bit.
By Halloween weekend, Floyd had a group of nearly 100 students to walk downtown with her to celebrate. While walking home, the group had accumulated to nearly 150. Cab drivers and party buses drove slowly alongside the sidewalk as students walked, waiting and hoping that some of them would give in and take the ride home, but none of them did. “It’s like, sooooo tempting!” said a drunk girl who had “forgotten her name. “I was wearing the highest heels I own and have been carrying them since about 9:30. They really fucking hurt.” After enough complaints from neighbors along the group’s walking route, police came to round up the walkers and take them home. They finally got everyone home by around 3 a.m. “We got what we wanted,” said Floyd after the fact, “we got driven home for free. We definitely got our point across.” “The law is not going to change,” said Raymond Michels, one of the Bloomington Police Department officers who drove the students home, “we know they’re gonna whine about it, but the students complain about everything here, we’re so over it.” Students continue to DD through Twitter without stating they will actually charge for their services. As for Andrea Floyd: “I had to delete my Twitter account, the fame got to my head. But maybe now I’ll just start getting my ride home from the cops every weekend. I can’t imagine anyone having a problem with that.”
4.) The tailgating would go from amazing to EXTREME: Imagine every open parking lot on campus, every fraternity house front yard, every open space on the quad filled with happy and drunk football fans for an entire Saturday… We know we can. We already tailgate with the best of them, now imagine would it would be like Big Ten style. 3.) ISU wins at school spirit: Our school spirit and the ability to showcase it is that of schools much bigger and more pretentious than us. We can truly show fans all over the country how proud we are to be Redbirds and need the chance to do so. 2.) We already drink like a Big Ten school: Partying has never been an issue for us Redbirds. We can out drink and out last students from all corners of the world… or at least at the level of another Big Ten school. This would be the one area of joining the conference we would never have to practice for. 1.) We deserve it: We rock. You rock. All us Redbirds past, present, and future, rock. We’re some cocky birds and rightfully so. What better way to prove it than being in the Big Ten?
Veronica Silverado wrote this
PAGE 6 • HEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
#JUSTICE
Freshman Business Major Disappointed He Has Not Become “Wolf of Wall Street” Yet Black Sheep Staff wrote this
After freshman Dean Brock saw the movie The Wolf of Wall Street in theaters last winter, he began focusing his academic and career goals on emulating the life of Jordan Belfort, the movie’s protagonist. “Who wouldn’t want to live that lifestyle?” remarked Brock, who is currently enrolled in the finance program at ISU’s College of Business. “Raunchy yacht parties on the reg, mountains of cocaine readily available at my disposal, and droves of gorgeous, big-titted women lined up and ready to give me the sexual satisfaction I so richly deserve. It’s a life of wealth and luxury that you fucking peons in liberal arts couldn’t even begin to comprehend.” When Brock arrived on campus back in August, he thought being in a world-renowned business program would put him on the fast track to the kind of success portrayed in his favorite movie. Halfway through
his first semester though, he is disappointed to find that has not been the case. “Where are the sports cars and nightly lobster dinners?” bemoaned Brock. “I was told I would gain real world experience in the classroom, but that was a lie.” Brock’s frustration stems mostly from the lesson plan laid out in Business 101, the introductory responsibility and ethics course all freshmen in the College of Business are required to take. “Instead of learning helpful skills like how to neatly eat sushi off an escort’s tits, we’ve been doing useless bullshit like making résumés and learning about how businesses have a responsibility to serve the greater good of society. What the hell good are those lessons supposed to do me?” Brock also says that future classes in the finance major curriculum will not adequately prepare him for the type of
work necessary to achieve and maintain the lavish lifestyle he desires. “I see the College of Business failed to include courses on how to commit tax evasion and securities fraud without getting caught,” commented Brock. “No one ever got rich by being honest and ethical. Name one person who got rich by doing things ‘The right way.’ You can’t!”
frat would give me status,” said Brock. I expected to be able to name drop my frat to receive privileges such as getting to the front of VIP lines at bars. But no, I usually just get punched in the face and told to ‘join a real frat.’”
Brock has also been disappointed with his experience in business clubs and organizations. “I assumed that we would have meetings in mansions with midgets providing us entertainment by wrestling each other WWEstyle,” said Brock. “Instead, we just meet in some rinky-dink classroom where we eat Papa John’s pizza that I have to serve myself. Unbelievable.”
Despite his underwhelming experience this semester, Brock has remained optimistic he can achieve his goal of becoming the next “Wolf of Wall Street” through his ambition and selfdetermination. “Although my classes and organizations are failing me, I will not let myself down,” said Brock. “I will follow in the footsteps of successful businessmen such as Jordan Belfort and former Enron CEO Ken Lay by dedicating all my energy to achieving my goals and dreams of living a rich, debaucherous lifestyle through any means possible.”
The freshman has been equally disappointed with the business fraternity he joined. “I thought being in a business
Brock said he will use his time at ISU to improve himself so he can stand out among the best and brightest students in
the College of Business. “I will make myself the model ISU business student,” said Brock. “I will use buzzwords in normal conversation like an insufferable prick. I will constantly name drop my business frat and other connections like a pretentious douche. I will belittle other peoples’ majors to compensate for my own raging insecurities. And I will most certainly make a concentrated effort to bitch incessantly about how difficult
my workload is, even though I only take 12 hours of easy business courses, have no job, and get drunk six nights a week.” With that sense of motivation, his vision for the future, and a clear plan of attack to achieve his goals, Brock is a shining example of how College of Business students at Illinois State truly are the leaders of tomorrow in the business world.
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Scoop Chang wrote this In continuing efforts to make their school the most physically attractive in the country, ISU is now mandating that anyone over 200 pounds take at least eight semesters of gym before being able to graduate. Upperclassmen have been told that they are not grandfathered into the program and will still be required to take all eight semesters of gym during their last semester in order to graduate as well.
President Dietz showed his support for the mandatory weight-loss program by releasing pamphlets about his self-named Dietz’s Diet, which consists of only celery, carrots, and hummus. He says the program works a lot like anorexia, in that you don’t get the nutrients or sustenance your body requires, but you do get results.
The program was apparently inspired by Illinois Wesleyan’s physical education requirements, in which students need to take two semesters of gym to graduate, but officials say the program needed to be turned up to 11.
We asked Dietz what the real goal of program was; could it really be as simple as wanting to have the hottest school in the country? “When people come to our school and walk through the quad, we want them bumping into trees and dropping all of their books when they see how hot everyone is. If we could make attractiveness an application requirement we would, but we’re a state school. The real problem is we still have a few Tubby Tammys and Obese Olivers killing boners and drying lady dams. Removing them just makes ISU a better place—I mean helping them… to lose weight… and become acceptable human beings… makes ISU a better place.”
“I mean, would you look at the kids over there?” Lance Undergorn, the new gym teacher/former crop and soil sciences teacher, said about IWU students, “Like a quarter of them are fat as shit! In a school that’s like 60% women! That is just unacceptable. But I don’t want these ISU kids getting cocky, because I’ve seen the greasy-looking tubs of lard over here too.”
When asked about what classes would be offered by the school Dietz said, “Students will have their pick of classes. we’ll offer everything from 5k Running and 1,000 Lap Swimming to Jump Rope ‘til You Collapse and Dance for 3 Hours Without Stopping. I’m really jealous that the kids get all these exciting options. I sure wish I were younger and fatter!”
The new curriculum seems extreme, but officials from the school assured students that “it’s entirely possible to take eight gym classes alongside a full senior schedule” and that “if you don’t think so you can always drop out.” They then mouthed the word “fatties” and began to chuckle uncontrollably.
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We spoke with Rocky Donahue, a member of the ISU Board of Trustees, about why the program was so severe and what he thought the efficacy of the program would even be. “Look, we don’t expect students to lose weight,” Donahue told us, “honestly if they’re chunky now, they’re just going to grow up even more bulbous. We really just want to weed out all the fatties from even considering going here.
You’re not going to print this right? No, no, it’s fine. I want them to read it… with their chubby, little eyes.” This seems like a new low for the university, but it sure will be nice during the summer. Hopefully The Black Sheep writers can lose a few pounds so we can still go to school here. Otherwise… we are all way too fat to go here and there will not be a paper anymore.
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PAGE 7 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
ISU to Require Physical Education for Fat Students
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The Bar Grid 3 Halloween Night Costume Contests! Prizes for 1st & 2nd for Each Contest
SPECIAL NIGHT
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TUESDAY: Dollar Night! $1 12oz UV Flavors $3 U Call Its Kyle Yapp
THURSDAY
$1 Wells and UV Flavors $1.50 Miller Family Bottles or 16oz Coors Light Cans $2.50 Red Bull Vodka
$1.50 Double Wells $2 Bombs, Bud, Bud Light, Select, Long Islands, Live DJ
$3 Domestic Bottles $3 Well Drinks $3 Draft Pints
$3 Pitchers of Miller High Life, $2 Bottles of PBR $2 Vodka Well Drinks
FRIDAY
$1.50 Bud Family 20oz Drafts $2 16oz Micro Drafts $2.50 Fireball $4 Bud Family Pitchers
Happy Hour! $3 Double Wells, Bombs, Domestics, $4 Long Islands, POWER SHOTS, $0.25 Wings, Live DJ
$3 Fat Jack Cocktails, All Flavored Vodkas, Jim Beam & Heineken bottles
$2.75 20oz Miller Lite Draft
SATURDAY
$1.50 Miller Family Bottles or 16oz Coors Light Cans $2 Wells and UV Flavors $2.25 Bud Family 20oz Drafts $3 Vegas Bombs
Happy Hour! $3 Double Wells, Bombs, Domestics, $4 Long Islands, Jack Daniels POWER SHOTS, 1/2 off Appetizers Live DJ
$3 Hurricane & Tsunami Drinks, Bud Select & Bud Light Lime Bottles
SUNDAY
$1.50 Miller Family Bottles or 16oz Coors Light Cans $2 Wells and UV Flavors $2.25 Bud Family 20oz Drafts $3 Vegas Bombs
$2 Domestic Bottles and Drafts, $3 U Calls Its 1/2 Priced Thin Crust Pizza
All $3 Daily Specials!
Closed
MONDAY
$1.50 Miller Family Bottles and 16oz Coors Light Cans $2.50 Beam, SoCo and Seagram 7 Drinks
$2 Drafts & Bottles, $2 Double Wells, 1/2 Priced Wine $0.25 Wings Trivia Night!
Rumday! $3 Captain Morgan, Malibu, Import & Craft Bottles
$1.75 Miller Lite Pints
TUESDAY
JOIN THE IMPORT CLUB! Drink all 40 imports and get your name on the wall plus a free t-shirt! $2 Import and Micro Bottles, $2 Well & UV Flavors, $2 All Drafts
Dollar Night! $1 12oz UV Flavors, $3 U Call Its Kyle Yapp
$3 Draft Pints & American Harvest Vodka
$2.75 20 oz. Miller Lite Draft 1st and 3rd Tuesday of the month is Comedy Open Mic at 8pm!
WEDNESDAY
All Rum Wednesdays! $1 Domestic Bottles $2.50 Fireball $2.50 All Rums
Wasted Wednesday! $1 Bombs, $2 Long Islands, $3 Pitchers (Domestics), $6 Fishbowls, 1/2 Priced L-Thin pizza
$3 Well Drinks $3 Half-Pints on Draft $3 Bombs
Karaoke at 9pm! $2.00 Well Drinks and Miller Lite Pints
DJ Brainstorm and DJ LinkDeck in main bar, $3 Jim Beam, Devils Cut or Ghost Whiskey Drinks, and Heineken Btls!
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Karaoke at 10pm! $3.50 15oz, $4 20oz Import or Craft Draft Beer
The Bar Grid Sunday Bloody Sunday ALL of our Daily Specials available! $4 16oz Ultimate Bloody Marys featuring Ketel One Vodka
SATURDAY: $2.75 Coronas $6 32oz Rum and Coke & Vodka Lemonade
Welcome Back Alums! $5 32oz Keeper Cup! Food and Drink Specials All Weekend!
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Tapper Thursday $3.75 All 20oz Draught Pints
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$2 Domestic Longnecks, $3 Captain and/or Bacardi
$2.50 19oz Bud Light and Miller Lite Drafts $8 Margarita Pitchers
THURSDAY
Failte Friday Try our special Long Ireland Iced Tea for $4!
$2 Redds $3 Fireball Shots $6 32oz Long Islands
$2 22oz Keeper Cup, $2.75 Corona, $3 Liquor Specials
$2.50 Import Bottles and Malt Beverages $8 Margarita Pitchers Every Day!
FRIDAY
Slainte Saturday: $3 Any Flavor of Three Olives Premium Vodka
$2.75 Coronas $6 32oz Rum and Coke & Vodka Lemonade $3.50 12oz Bacardi Family Drinks
$3.50 24oz cup $3.50 Liquor Special
$2.50 Well Drinks $8 Margarita Pitchers
SATURDAY
Sunday Bloody Sunday ALL of our Daily Specials available! $4 16oz Ultimate Bloody Marys featuring Ketel One Vodka
Closed
$3.50 24oz Cups $3.50 Liquor Special
Bucket Day! $9 Domestic Buckets (5 Bottles) $8 Margarita Pitchers Every Day!
SUNDAY
Mad Monday! $3 All Import Bottles and Microbrew Bottles
$9 Domestic Buckets (5 Bottles)
$4 Domestic Pitchers $3 Fireball Shots
$3 Smirnoff Vodka Drinks (Any Flavor) $8 Margarita Pitchers
MONDAY
Well To Do Tuesday $3 All WELL Vodka, Gin, Rum, Tequila, American Whiskey and Liquors
$2 You-Call-Its
$2 Domestic Longnecks $3 Imports, Micros, & Rail Calls
$3 Captain Morgan $8 Margarita Pitchers Every Day!
TUESDAY
$7 Premium Pitchers
$4 Bud Family Pitchers, Vodka Red Bull, & All Bombs
Bucket Day! $9 Domestic Buckets (5 Bottles) $8 Margarita Pitchers
WEDNESDAY
Whiskey Wednesday $3 All CALL American, Irish, Scotch and Canadian Whiskey
PAGE 10 • HEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
HALLOWEEN ‘14
Should You Be A Cat For Halloween? A Basic Guide Staff wrote this
You’ve been to a couple Halloween parties this year, and things have been great. That Despicable Me minion outfit showed the world how a large amount of creativity and a small amount of clothes can make you the center of attention at any Halloween event. You’ve experienced many hauntings, hayrides, and horse cops, but now it’s week two of Halloween and your ideas for themed attire are growing thin. We know the “classic” cat costume is tempting, but don’t rush to any clichéd, uninspired decisions just yet. Here’s The Black Sheep’s criteria on whether or not a cat costume is what you’re looking for as apparel in the coming Halloween weekends. Would you describe yourself as a cat person?: If you really love cats, then this costume may be for you. It may show the world that you’re adorable and soft, but at the same time cunning and perfectly willing to stab your closest friends in the back if they step on your tail. Everyone understands your affinity for your cute companion, and nobody’s accusing you of being a crazy cat lady just yet. Are you being just a cat, and not someone like the Cat in the Hat?: Think of all the famous cats out there that you could be with just a few more materials: the Cat in the Hat, Garfield, Puss in Boots. Hell, even Professor McGonagall fits into this category. Before you settle on the generic ears and tail, remember that you’ve passed up on
representing some of the most prominent pussies of the age. Are you really, one hundred percent, completely out of costume ideas?: Everyone is expecting the people who are too lazy to come up with something on their own to show up to the party dressed as a cat. Are you satisfied with being that person? If you’re really going to follow through with this, you have to really commit. You’ll have to spend the night eating Meow Mix and drinking milk—or the blood of your enemies. If you don’t think you can live up to the feline name, try another easy classic costume, like a ghost, a cowgirl, or Hillary Clinton. A manly pantsuit and a fierce haircut is all you need. Boys may possibly hit on a slutty secretary. No man, however, can resist a sexy ex-Secretary of State. Are you a catty bitch?: You’ve committed to your part, so you’re going to have to fit your personality to the costume. Cats are known for being solitary, temperamental, and self-absorbed. A devious and ruthless personality will broadcast to your peers that your black cat costume is perfectly fitting, and that bad luck will befall them if they think otherwise. Will this costume involve cat ears?: A cat costume’s success is directly proportional to the amount of clothes not worn with it. You’ve already
discarded your hopes of preserving your self-image by dressing as a cat, so don’t stress too much if you’re not sure about wearing just a bandeau and a short skirt with cat ears. An ideal college Halloween cat costume would be black lingerie and cat ears without the cat ears. Just something to consider.
If you can confidently answer yes to all of these questions, then you’re prepared to dress as a feline night prowler. Unoriginality aside, you truly are an independent soul, and your costume choice reflects it well.
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BARTENDER of the WEEK Relationship Status: Single • Favorite Drink: Coors Light Favorite Shot: Fireball • Disgusting Drink: D.O.A. In your experience, what nonalcoholic drink is the worst mixer?: Orange juice because it’s disgusting with any alcohol. The most overrated brand of beer/ wine/liquor is what?: Miller Lite, because it tastes like piss. Where’s the best place to hide in Lunker’s?: The kitchen. If you could change one thing about Facebook, what would it be?: I would make sure it was never invented in the first place.
BRYAN of LUNKER’S THE DRINKING GAME
What Halloween costume could you make with only what you have in your pockets or bag?: I would be an
Arizona State University golf fan who likes to shop at Kroger and Pet Co. What do you think will be this year’s most overdone Halloween costume, and why?: Ebola Hazmat suits because Ebola is in right now. What kind of fart best says, “let’s bone”?: A slow, trumpet one. Something jazzy. Have you ever wondered if love has a first name?: No, that’s kind of awkward. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because it’s the greatest reading material on ISU’s campus. If it’s not The Black Sheep, it’s crap.
RECIPE FOR DISASTER
TRICK OR TREAT
CANDY SOUP
Alright, we know you’re not 5-years-old anymore, but that doesn’t mean you don’t want all the candy your lazy ass can possibly gather. It’s a rarity that Halloween falls on a Friday and that means you’ll be extra-blasted this year, so let’s put that inebriation to good use, shall we?
It’s that time of year again. Now that you’ve already gone trick or treating and have all that candy, it’s time to do something with it. You could try and get creative, but it’s always best to play it safe: go with the same game plan you’ve had since you were 4 years old. Mix it all together in a bowl and eat until you want to puke.
What You’ll Need: A 30 rack of your favorite beer, the biggest bag you can find (we like to go with one of the garbage variety), a damn strong sweet tooth. Number of Players: Just you, sugar tooth. Level of Intoxication: Enough to forget you’re 21 years old.
What You’ll Need: A bag full of candy, a large bowl, Tylenol for your stomach. Fatty Factor: Don’t even look at the scale tomorrow morning.
How to play: - In preparation for this, you’re going to need to brush your teeth for two straight days beforehand. Yeah, you’ll need to skip class and work for this. It’s a commitment. - Finish off that 30 rack as quickly as possible. Yes, after a while it turns into more work than play, but who says the sweetest things in life come easy? - Grab the biggest bag you can find and hit the town, leaving all your friends at your Halloween party behind in the name of food. - .First, you’ll need to sweep through campus. You may not get as many prepared households at student-inhabited apartments, but you can always just push them aside and grab whatever you can from their cabinets. - Next, you’ll need to exit campus and hit up the residential areas. Yes, the townies may be a little freaked out by a 21-year-old in a cheerleading costume (that’s probably all you’ll be able to find the night before) begging for candy. The Game Ends When: You manage to gather at least three pounds of candy to the two black eyes you’ll receive raiding some bro’s apartment on campus.
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Let’s Get Baked: - Gather all the candy you’ve earned throughout the night and bring it to the kitchen. - Open up every piece of candy you got tonight and put them all in the bowl. - Roll with us here: Stir the candy with a gigantic spoon. - Now that you have a proper variety of candy to choose from, dig your hand in for a sweet surprise . - Keep shoving fistfuls of sugar down your throat until you physically can’t handle anymore. Be careful you don’t eat too much that you have to puke everything back up into the bowl. But if you do, just shrug and remember, this sweet, sweet meal only comes once a year.
NOMNOMNOM AT THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
TBS: So how did you get into stand-up and what drove you to pursue comedy? Jimmy: I started in the late 80s, the comedy boom was humongous, especially around Chicago. Every bar had comedy nights in addition to around a dozen comedy clubs at the time, so I was getting on stage two, three times a night driving all over the city to get some stage time. What drove me to pursue comedy was growing up in the South Side of Chicago and south suburbs. It’s a very sports-based city, not that I’m against sports but I wasn’t very good at them and I didn’t fit in with that scene. I had a sense of humor and I would use it to either impress the girls or get out of fights and I found my own groove of people. And you end up being friends with those types of people and you eventually find your way in life, and you either end up going to college and being a professional in something, or you end up being a clown like me. TBS: You still continue to do stand-up, but in 2006 you decided to start your podcast Never Not Funny, one of the first well-known comics to do so. What made you stop and think that would be something that you’d want to do? Jimmy: I think I was one of the first comics that had a following that started a podcast, and it really came out of the gentleman that’s now my cohost and producer, Matt Belknap, who was just a fan of mine. He would come and see me do shows at the UCB Theater here in LA. He was doing a very dry podcast where he would interview comedians about the craft, which was really great, but after he did the interview with me he said “Hey, I think I’d have more fun producing your podcast,” and I had no idea what that meant. I had listened to Ricky Gervais, his was hot at the time and it was the only other one that I knew of. I was between TV gigs and I thought “you know what, I don’t know what this is and I don’t wanna be the guy that’s left behind on it, so I’m gonna be the first of my group to do it.” And so we started in March of 2006 and here we are. TBS: You have the Pardcast-a-Thon coming up on November 28th, which for our readers that don’t know is a 12-hour live podcast featuring a rotating guest list that has raised over half a million dollars for Smile Train, a charity that provides corrective surgery for children with cleft lips and palates. What brought you to partner with Smile Train and what was the idea that sparked the 12-hour podcast? Jimmy: There’s a show regular by the name of Pat Francis and he came on as a guest one time and thought it would be funny if we had an auction to raise money for Smile Train. It was on the back of Parade magazine, and just coincidentally he brought it up and I said, “jeez, I just gave to them yesterday” and so I said let’s do it. So, we did an auction that whoever raised the most money got to be a guest on Never Not Funny. In 2008, and in 2009 we were toying around with what we could do next that would be neat and unique. I always grew up loving the Jerry Louis Labor Day Telethon. It’d go for 24 hours and you don’t know who’s gonna show up at 3:30 in the morning, everybody gets loopy tired but it’s a lot of fun and raises a ton of money. So we thought who could we do it for and we thought Smile Train made sense. So we just sent them a check after the first year, I think it was just 6,000 bucks, which is still a lot of money considering we were just this small, little podcast. So after a couple of years we ended up partnering with them and last year we raised $144,000. So in as little as five years, the awareness has grown, it’s been good for Smile Train, it’s been good for us, and it’s been a hell of a lot of fun too. TBS: Do you have any fundraising goals for this year? And do you have any idea who the guests will be? In the past you’ve had some great guests such as Amy Poehler, Zach Galifianakis, and Jon Hamm. Jimmy: I always like to say that the goal is to beat last year’s amount and $144,000 is a lot of money. But our audience has grown so it’s conceivable that we’ll make more. But any money for Smile Train is a win. And we’ve just started casting and putting out offers, but the show regulars are gonna be there. Scott Aukerman, Paul F. Tompkins, Janet Varney, and of course Matt Belknap and Pat Francis will be there the entire 12 hours. And we’ve reached out to the people we don’t necessarily know to bring in some star factor.
TBS: Going back to your live comedy, how has the podcast affected how you’ve approached standup? Jimmy: I’ve always been pretty improvisational on stage, talking stream of consciousness off the top of my head, and finding the funny, but when you’re a good comic that nobody knows you have to get on the stage and convince people that you’re funny. There’s a room of people that didn’t know who I was and just saw my name on a flier. For reasons I’ll never understand, people go to a comedy club with the mindset of “these guys better be funny,” which is the weirdest thing. If you’re gonna go there, why not just trust that it’s gonna be a good show? It’s always a weird adversarial relationship with the audience and the comedian. So, it went from spending the first three minutes on stage convincing people that they’re in good hands and it’s gonna be a good show, to now because of the podcast there’s this fan base that comes out to support. I went from maybe a few people in the audience knowing who I am to every show being full of podcast fans. I know that they’re on my side and I can make them laugh, plus attendance is better and people are coming to see me and not just to see comedy, which is great. And the shows are better because I run my mouth an hour and a half every week on my podcast, so I trust that I’m going to find the funny and for the most part the audience stays with it. TBS: You also open for Conan O’Brien, how has that experience been and how did you get that job? Jimmy: I started with them day one at The Tonight Show when they moved from New York to L.A., and I’d never met Conan or anyone on the staff. I knew a couple of the writers but none of the higher-ups. And I knew Andy Richter a little bit from doing some shows with him at The UCB, but it would’ve been presumptuous to say I was a friend of Andy’s at the time. When they were moving out to L.A., they wanted somebody to open the shows and legend has it that Andy Richter said “the guy that can do an hour off the top of his head and has the same sensibilities as this show is Jimmy Pardo.” So they called me in for an interview. I didn’t want the job. I didn’t want to be a warm-up act, that’s not why I moved to L.A., but I thought, “you know what, it’s The Tonight Show, it’s Conan O’Brien, I’ve gotta at least take that meeting.” I went to the meeting, and within minutes I was like “I’ve gotta take this job.” They told me that I didn’t have to throw out t-shirts or candy, I’ve just gotta go out there and do comedy, and then I’m done. So I met Conan, Mike Sweeney the head writer, Jeff Ross the executive producer, the stage manager Steve Hollander, and they all told me that I was the guy. I had never felt that wanted before in show business, so I took the job and I’ve been there for 5 years and it’s been great. Being around all those amazingly funny people every day, I never once bitch that I have to go to work. First I’m about to go do comedy for a living, and in addition I get to work with these hilarious people.
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Halloween bingo
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I always feel so intimidated by Halloween costumes. You want to look ___1___ without being too ___2___. You want to be ___3___ without being too ___4___, while maintaining the grace of ___5___. You want to be creative without looking like someone living in ___6___ aka like a hobo… maybe I’ll be a hobo?… Anyway, I’m also not trying to spend an arm and a leg on my costume; after all, I need to be able to afford ___7___to pre-game with and ___8___ to enjoy after the party. So I headed to the local thrift store, and ___9___ works there so I’d get an extra discount. But nothing was really working for me. I saw something that could resemble a ___10___, but it had poop stains on it (or was that peanut butter?). There was a shiny dress so I could’ve been a disco-girl (is that a thing?) but every time I take ___11___ I always - always - end up ___12___ in the middle of ___13___and then going home with ___14___ which is so freshman year of me. Everything else I tried on was too small (I blame ___15___) or just not right for my very unique personality. So I took the bus to the over-priced Halloween store. Naturally, it was hot as a ___16___-employee in a sauna, and even smellier. The place was trashed and local high schoolers were pocketing ___17___ glitter faster than I could decipher the difference between ___18___ ears. While I perused expensive, skanky ___19___ outfits, I saw___20___ and started having a panic attack. So I instantly left and called a cab home. Ugh, I’ll just get drunk and go as a ghost.
CLUE BANK 1) Adjective 2) Different adjective 3) Slutty celebrity 4) Sluttier celebrity 5) Respected celebrity 6) Artsy dorm 7) Liquor 8) Late-night food 9) Your hipster friend 10) Animal 11) Party drug 12) Type of dance 13) Local dance bar 14) Person you lost your virginity to 15) Local pizza place 16) Fast food place 17) Color 18) Animal 19) Stereotypical Halloween costume 20) Person from #14
CLUE BANK
the HALLOWEEN COSTUME madlib
CLASSIC COSTUME CROSSWORD ACROSS: 1) Broom not required. 4) Karin from Mean Girls; “I’m a ___, duh!” 5) Put a pacifier in your mouth and call yourself this. 6) Grab an orange sweater from American Apparel, boom, done. 7) Just borrow some stuff from your mom’s mom and be this. 8) A lady who gets athletes stoked.
9) The teacher of The Magic School Bus, Miss who? 11) The main character from The Nightmare Before Christmas, Jack who? 13) Arrrggghhh! 14) Throw a sheet over your head and call yourself this. 15) Her last name is Morgendorffer, and she’s apathetic towards most everything.
ANSWERS
DOWN: 1) Wait, where is he? 2) Aladdin’s love interest. 3) This is, like, so 60s, man. 5) She can be the nature and he can be this guy who make pretty little mistakes (two words). 7) The girls can go as these Girls; Dorothy, Rose, Blanche and Sophia. 10) “Is there a naughty lady in this room that I need to punish?” But not a stripper. 12) She’s sexy, and she’ll stick a needle in ya.
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