ISU SPRING ISSUE 7 by The Black Sheep

Volume 8

The Black Sheep

FRE E! L ik pai e a ho r of me jort ma s... de

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

Issue 7

TOP 5 MILNER STUDY SPOTS Tina Poehler wrote this

What has 6 floors, 200-plus study spots, and way too many over-caffeinated, under-slept twenty-somethings? Club Milner during finals week. With tensions higher than your GPA, it’s time to finally hit the books, or at least hit something other than that red Sedan when pulling out of the Bone Student Center parking lot. Here are our Milner recommendations:

Behind Plants

On the Front Desk

By an Outlet

In a Shelf

With the Dogs

If studying has got you feeling blue, then go green. But literally. Hide way back where your responsibilities and those annoyingly talkative English majors will never find you. Fourth floor Milner plants are the best place to sit and absorb knowledge via photosynthesis. Or synthetic drugs. Either way. Whatever. Science. You don’t even have to leave this cozy spot for first, second, or third dinner, because the leaves double as a tasty salad bar. It’s a vegetarian’s wet dream.

“Study early, study often.” You hear your politics professor say it all the time. The front desk of Milner is the perfect place to cut out unneeded walking time and begin studying in the first few seconds of entering the building. Plus there’s free hand sanitizer for all of the freshmen out there who still love the burn of Burnett’s but don’t have the means to acquire a handle. This spot is also great for meeting up with any classmates since there is no possible way that they can enter the library without seeing you, unless, of course, it is last month’s FWB and you’re blatantly giving him blue balls. He can be found studying behind the plants.

Because your Macbook Pro is as untrustworthy as a frat boy on a Friday night, you must always be near a power source. However, do not just pick any outlet. You must choose one in a heavily populated area, preferably in the middle of a walkway. It’s crucial that everyone who sees you knows that you’re studying and looking damn good while doing so. A lack of secret admirers can lead to low self-esteem and lack of confidence, ultimately leading to low test scores. So for the love of God, let the sparks fly and nab that outlet.

If you want to make stacks on stack on stacks, you must first be stacks on stacks on stacks. Since good grades are the only way to success, you must surround yourself with as many stacks of books as possible in order to ace that Theater 101 exam to become the next Jennifer Lawrence. The best part of this secret study nook, is that you will never have to worry about being distracted by anyone. It is a well-known fact that the majority of ISU students don’t know how to use the Dewey Decimal System, let alone read.

Sometimes you gotta get on all fours to get that 4.0. On the floor with the PAWSitively Stress Free therapy dogs is one of the best places in Milner to read those eight chapters of organic chemistry and totally not regret going into the sciences. We know you love doggie style as much as the rest of us. Crouching with these fourlegged creatures not only allows for the soothing sound of heavy panting to set the mood for academic achievement, but also provides a soft pillow of fur to scream into when you realize that you literally actually hate yourself, but more importantly, your professor.

So, don’t be like that guy or that other guy who just perches up in any ole’ place in Milner. No! Defy convention and study slyly in these locations.

PAGE 5 5 WAYS ADDERALL MAKES YOU A STUDY CHAMPION TAKING IT GUARANTEES YOU’LL GET A GOOD SCORE ON YOUR TEST...YOUR DRUG TEST! HA!

PAGE 5

PAGES 12-13

TOP 10: EXCUSES TO GET OUT OF FINALS

NIC CAGE UNDERSTANDS YOUR FINALS STRUGGLES

YOUR PROFESSOR WILL TOTALLY UNDERSTAND THAT NETFLIX KEEPS ADDING NEW SHOWS

APRIL 15TH, 2015 - APRIL 29TH, 2015

NIC CAGE CAN HELP YOU THROUGH FINALS MORE THAN YOU EVER THOUGHT POSSIBLE.

THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

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DISCLAIMER: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

Party at Brewe Ha’s All Week Long! MONDAY

TUESDAY

WEDNESDAY

$1.50 domestic bottles $2.50 fireball $3 whiskey Monday

JOIN THE IMPORT CLUB! Drink all 40 imports and get your name on the wall plus a free t-shirt! $2 Import and Micro Bottles, $2 Well & UV Flavors, $2 All Drafts

$1 domestic bottles $2.25 fireball $3.25 all Bombs & Bud Family Pitchers

THURSDAY

FRIDAY

SATURDAY

$1 well and UV Flavors $1.50 domestic bottles $2.50 red Bull vodka

$1.50 Bud Family 20oz draft $2 all Ciders, $2.50 fireball, $2.50 Rum Friday, $4 Bud Family Pitcher

$1.75 Miller Family n Coors Lt btl, $2 well and UV flavors $2.50 Bud Family 20oz draft $2.50 Vegas Bomb

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Welcome to Page Three! You are about to have more fun than a freshman at a frat party. Tweet us your answers, or send them to page3@theblacksheeponline.com. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

PAGE THREE THE BLACK SHEEP’S LEGENDARY

WORD OF THE WEEK

80s CARTOON CHARACTER PORN STAR NAME?

COCKFLOCKED When your wingmen all help a brother out and you get mad chicks.

IVY SHERWOOD

Last night I couldn’t keep the ladies oﬀ me, man! I was cockflocked, I was banging girls all night.

CAN YOU GUESS THE CELEBRITY BACK?

THE TERRIBLE PUNS CUTOUT Know of a bathroom stall that needs some pizazz? Cut this out, stick in a bathroom stall, snap a pic and #Sheepffiti and we’ll send you a prize!

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ON THE STREETS

WHAT BUSINESS DOES ISU NEED? TRESHONNA, SENIOR

“ISU needs a 24-hour pizza vending machine in every building on campus.”

MELAINA, JUNIOR

“ISU needs a de-basic-ing business where girls’ leggings are taken away and they are given pants.”

GRANT, JUNIOR

“They need a hangover bar, where you can recover from Sunday Funday and Pub Wednesday. They would serve toast and juice with a pair of sunglasses.”

POP IT, BABY!

THE TOP TEN

EXCUSES TO GET OUT OF FINALS

Hate taking finals? Here are some foolproof excuses to get out of taking them altogether. Feel free to try them this May. 10.) Too Drunk: This is probably the most valid reason out there. Your professor should understand your NEED to party. How else can you release all the stress that has undoubtedly accumulated during the semester? Go ahead, take that extra shot, your professor will understand.

5 WAYS ADDERALL MAKES YOU A STUDY CHAMPION Steve Johnson wrote this

Finals week. The week where people drink gallons of coﬀee, sleep two hours a night, and consume Adderall from Pez dispensers. Coﬀee is gross and scientists say you should get at least 12 hours of sleep a night, but we all know that won’t happen, so let’s talk about Adderall. Here’s five fool-proof ways that Adderall helps you study. The Dewey Decimal System: You know how books are organized at libraries? Well on Adderall, you’re granted super-sorting abilities. You will organize everything in your apartment by color, then weight, then alphabetically, and then back to color. This new, neat-and-clean environment will really help you go about your studying in the most efficient manner possible! It will obviously still take 4 hours. This may seem like a giant waste of valuable studying time, but how much studying could you possibly do in a dirty room? You’ll thank Adderall later. You won’t waste time eating: Don’t you hate how you’re supposed to eat three times a day? Forget that food pyramid bullshit. The Adderall fairies packed all the nutrients and vitamins that you need in a day, right into one simple pill. We’re living in the future here, people. We’re pretty sure if you ate an Adderall a day, you’d be the smartest, thinnest, most beautiful person at ISU. Or you might just get addicted to it and never get anything done again without it… But think about how cool that first thing would be! You’ll get a good score on your test: Your drug test… the score will be positive… for amphetamines. Future employers will be impressed with the fact that you definitely used that drug to study. They’ll ask about it in the interview and congratulate you for testing positive. You could tell them about how you didn’t eat for 2 days, sorted your DVD collection, and only got the lowest score in your class by 3 points! They’ll totally identify with your super-laid-back attitude towards class, recreational drug use, and overall health. You’ll do research: On everything! You’ll find out that Alexander the Great was epileptic, and that elephants can draw pictures, and that jet fuel can’t melt steel beams. The internet is such a cool place, especially on drugs. Why just study for that one test when you could learn everything that’s ever existed in one night? You may only score a 20.95% on the final, but now you know that’s the exact same percent of oxygen that exists in our atmosphere. You don’t need to sleep: Adderall providers have made tons of money off of parents that are concerned their kid will be stupid… And they use that money to pay the sandman to go fuck himself while you’re on it. The tunnel vision you get from not sleeping is just your brain working super-efficiently. You’ll be so “in the zone” that you’ll create your own formulas and words. You don’t need actual knowledge of mathematics or language, you just need Adderall. So pop one around midnight before your test, add no water, and watch your test scores grow! Gobble ‘em up, as the kids say. It’s finals season, which means it’s Adderall season—get yours today!

9.) I’m a Senior: Senioritis is an incurable disease and teachers need to be more aware of it. We’ve given the past four years of our lives and an insane amount of money to this school, the least they can do is exempt us from a couple finals (they know we’re going to fail anyway). 8.) I’m Allergic to Finals: Beware, this excuse will only work if you’re a grade-A bullshitter and have easy access to a doctor’s prescription pad. If you can forge a signature, that’s even better. Just give a compelling story about how you’re different from all the other kids, show them the “doctor’s note,” and you’re good to go. 7.) My Eyebrows Are Not on Fleek: This is the 2015 version of “a bad hair day,” and we all know how serious it is. Trust us, the prof will understand if you can’t make it to class because at this point a stupid, meaningless final is the least of your worries. 6.) Netflix Keeps Adding New Things: How can one be expected to participate in real-life activities when every season of Friends is at our fingertips? It’s simply impossible. Until your finals can be taken from your bed on Trivia Crack, they will never be able to compete with Netflix. 5.) Too Beautiful Outside: Why would anyone go to a classroom and put themselves in a stressful situation when there are puppies and people playing Frisbee on the Quad? PUPPIES, PROFESSORS! Puppies. 4.) My Dog Died: Even the meanest, most cold-hearted monster couldn’t make someone take a test in times of mourning a beloved pet. If they seem doubtful of your story, just make sure to yell, “I just miss him so much! His little paws! OH GOD, RUFFLES!” while loudly sobbing. The sad faces from the other students are sure to persuade your professor. 3.) Wasn’t Feeling It: Some days you’re just so comfortable in your bed that getting up isn’t an option. And then there are those days when you’re super motivated to get all of your homework and studying done—No? Us neither. 2.) It’s Against My Religion: We may not be the most religious people on this campus, but hey, if God himself beckons you not to go to class, that’s a sign that finals aren’t in your future. Exercise your religious freedom; and if they question you faith… we’re gonna march. 1.) I Don’t Want to Graduate: Let’s face it, life after college sucks. Bills, taxes, and a full-time job aren’t a piece of cake at a picnic. Stay in school and let the good times roll. Before you know it, you’ll have real responsibilities and no social life. Extend your happiness and stay another semester. Dolly O’Donnell wrote this

NO WAY!

ISU STUDENT PASSES FINAL EXAM BY STUDYING IN THE STUPIDEST WAY POSSIBLE Bert Velasco wrote this

Ryan Carson cringed and winced at the basic linguistic pronunciation of the words “final exam.” He had already come to the conclusion that it would be impossible to sit down and learn the damn material. Time was dwindling and his 69.63% in GEO 101 was looking dire next to the final exam worth 30% of the grade. In this situation, he did what he always did in these times of trial; he went to the internet. Ryan was a very gullible student. He had previously believed that Schroeder Hall was named after the DEA agent in Breaking Bad, that “ratemyprofessors.com” was a site to hook up with teachers to get an A, and that gyros were a form of currency in Europe. On multiple occasions he was quoted as saying “Bro I’m telling you, people wouldn’t change stuff on Wikipedia… it’s illegal to do shit like that.” It was after a desperate Google search of “How 2 study 4 finals without putting in work pls help,” on page 8 (in his words “Bro, NEVER click on the search results on the first two pages… the NSA tracks your data on those pages.”) he found his answer. Through the sage advice of DickNutzBonerz14839247 the absolute, foolproof way to study for that difficult exam without putting actual effort was a three step process: Step One: Take the book out on a fancy dinner date (excluding Olive Garden or Avanti’s). Step Two: Spend as much time with the book as possible. This includes taking showers with the book, telling it about your day, and, of course, sleeping with it. Step Three: Stare at your book for two whole days. After a while, the book will decide your worth and will thus “radiate knowledge” into your cerebral cortex, allowing you to ace the exam. “Science proved it,” DickNutz testified. That Thursday night, Ryan was spotted with his textbook at Medici. He was quick to avoid talking about politics and religion, and paid for the whole meal like a true gentleman. He even walked his textbook back home later that night. The next morning began with a quick shower (the book included) and ended with the two in bed (the book got its own pillow). Two days before his big final, Ryan sighed, sat down, and stared. Like a Tibetan monk, he gazed at his textbook. The lack of nourishment, and the delusion that the book had feelings and needs, made him see his textbook come alive and speak to him in Portuguese. Ryan woke up from his zen slumber the Monday of the test. He felt ready. At 10 a.m. Ryan was handed his test and flawlessly answered even the trickiest of questions. He filled in the answers on the Scantron like a Renaissance painter painting his masterpiece. Within 20 minutes, he had aced his final exam and turned it in. Ryan was in complete bliss… until he realized he had two other finals that day.

READ MORE ONLINE THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

Staﬀ wrote this

With summer fast approaching, the horribly boring task of updating your resume is imminent. You’ll be trying to find a job that allows for only three months employment and free weekends. Or as undergraduates call it “The Sasquatch of Jobs,” always heard of, but never seen. Here are a few tips to use so that you can find and catch that urban myth of a mildly enjoyable temporary job that still lets you get hammered on the weekends. Embellish Clubs Every Dairy Queen manager has seen a resume with a Student Council President or Vidette Editor on it, but what they haven’t seen is a Head Fractal Organizer or a Quantum Digital Consultant. Sure, the hiring manager won’t know what it means but damn, it sure sounds impressive. Besides, it’s not like you’re going to get caught. The manager at a Dairy Queen doesn’t know many big words to begin with. Be Bilingual: ¿Como está? That’s essentially everything you need to know to technically be bilingual. Do you have a smartphone with a language app? Because that counts too. If there’s one thing you’ve learned from the language requirement in CAS is that all it takes is

a translate button. De nada, amigos. Change Your Name: Resumes with white, male names get picked more often than not. Your feminist sociology professor wasn’t lying; as fucked up as this sounds, it’s statistically accurate. So if you want to get hired this summer, the best way to do it is to put a name like “John Caucasian Ihaveapenis” on your resume. Employers love the familiarity of Wonderbread whiteness and the comfort of overcompensating masculinity. Get Rid of the Small Stuﬀ: A resume should be a quick read. People don’t want to hear about how you volunteered at some orphanage and gained memories that will last a lifetime; they want to hear about the experience you got in The Bone filing (smoking) papers behind a desk. Or as you put it: fractal organizing. Leave out Your GPA: You’re not applying to grad school; you’re applying for minimum wage to subsidize your Smirnoff fund. If you’re so desperate for scholastic approval, maybe your summer job this year should be as a student. Either way you’re going to be spending

THE BLACK SHEEP ONLINE .COM ARTICLES • DRINKING GAMES THE BAR GRID • PURE AWESOMENESS

hours of your time earning something that will evaporate quicker than you can say “student loans.” Student Services: You’ve probably never stepped foot in the Student Services Building, but they’ve got some great people in there that really know how to lie on a resume. Some make you change the font and give you references for your resume like it’s an actual valuable thing. It’s essentially a push-up bra for your qualifications. Speaking of boobs, skip

this tip if you’re already “well-endowed”…who needs a job when you can have a sugar daddy? So, now you know how to pimp your paper. But keep in mind that these are merely suggestions to help you get something you are probably overqualified for. And like the Wile E. Coyote who chases the Road Runner, you are destined to keep chasing the very thing you badly wish for and never get, or die comically. Either way, you’re going to be busy this summer.

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THE BAR GRID SPECIAL NIGHT

TUESDAYS: JOIN THE IMPORT CLUB! Drink all 40 imports and get your name and a quote on the wall plus a free t-shirt!

TUESDAY: Dollar Night! $1 12oz UV Flavors $3 U Call Its Kyle Yapp

TUES: Team Trivia from 7-9pm $3 Draft Pints & American Harvest Vodka

SATURDAY: Karaoke at 10pm! $3.50 15oz, $4 20oz Import or Craft Draft Beer

THURSDAY

$1 Wells and UV Flavors $1.50 Domestic Bottles $2.50 Red Bull Vodka

$1.50 Double Wells $2 Bombs, Bud, Bud Light, Select, Long Islands, Live DJ

$2 Blackjack Shots, Well Drinks & Domestic Bottles $3 Tsunamis & Pints on Draught

$3 High Life Pitchers $3.00 PBR Bottles $2.75 Well Drinkss

FRIDAY

$1.50 Bud Family 20oz Drafts $2 All Ciders $2.50 Fireball $2.50 Rum All Day! $4 Bud Family Pitchers

Happy Hour! $3 Double Wells, Bombs, Domestics, $4 Long Islands, POWER SHOTS, $0.25 Wings, Live DJ

$3 Fat Jack Cocktails, All Flavored Vodkas, Jim Beam & Heineken bottles

$2.75 20oz Miller Lite Draft

SATURDAY

$1.75 Miller/Coors Family Bottles $2 Wells and UV Flavors $2.50 Bud Family 20oz Drafts $2.50 Vegas Bombs

Happy Hour! $3 Double Wells, Bombs, Domestics, $4 Long Islands, Jack Daniels POWER SHOTS, 1/2 off Appetizers Live DJ

$3 Hurricane & Tsunami Drinks, Bud Select & Bud Light Lime Bottles

Karaoke at 10pm! $3.50 15oz, $4 20oz Import or Craft Draft Beer

SUNDAY

$2 Bloody Marys $2.50 Stoli Sunday $2.50 Bud Family 20oz Drafts $2.50 Vegas Bombs

$2 Domestic Bottles and Drafts, $3 U Calls Its 1/2 Priced Thin Crust Pizza

All $3 Daily Specials!

Closed

MONDAY

$1.50 Domestic Bottles $2.50 Fireball $3 Whiskey

$2 Drafts & Bottles, $2 Double Wells, 1/2 Priced Wine $0.25 Wings Trivia Night!

Rumday! $3 Captain Morgan, Malibu, Import & Craft Bottles

$1.75 Miller Lite Pints

TUESDAY

JOIN THE IMPORT CLUB! Drink all 40 imports and get your name on the wall plus a free t-shirt! $2 Import and Micro Bottles, $2 Well & UV Flavors, $2 All Drafts

Dollar Night! $1 12oz UV Flavors, $3 U Call Its Kyle Yapp

WEDNESDAY

$1 Domestic Bottles $2.25 Fireball $3.25 All Bombs $3.25 Bud Family Pitchers

Wasted Wednesday! $1 Bombs, $2 Long Islands, $3 Pitchers (Domestics), $6 Fishbowls, 1/2 Priced L-Thin pizza

$3 Draft Pints & American Harvest Vodka Team Trivia from 7-9pm

$2.75 20 oz. Miller Lite Draft 1st and 3rd Tuesday of the month is Comedy Open Mic at 8pm!

$2 Well Drinks $2 1/2 Pints Drafts $3 Bombs

Karaoke at 9pm! $2 Well Drinks and Miller Lite Pints

He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games than you could ever play.

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THE BAR GRID SATURDAY: $2.75 Coronas $6 32oz Rum and Coke & Vodka Lemonade

MONDAY $5 Domestic Pitchers $3 Fireball Shots

GRAND OPENING PARTY APRIL 18TH! $6 BUD LIGHT PITCHERS!

Sunday & Wednesday Bucket Day! $9 Domestic Buckets (5 Bottles) $8 Margarita Pitchers Every Day!

SPECIAL NIGHT

Tapper Thursday $3.75 All 20oz Draught Pints

$2 Miller Family Bottles $2 Well Drinks and Well Shots $6 32oz Vodka Red Bulls $4 Bud Light Pitchers $3.50 12oz Bacardi Family Drinks

$2 Domestic Longnecks, $3 Captain and/or Bacardi

$2 Cider Drafts $2 Kamikaze Shots

$2.50 19oz Bud Light and Miller Lite Drafts $8 Margarita Pitchers

THUR.

Failte Friday Try our special Long Ireland Iced Tea for $4!

$2 Redds $3 Fireball Shots $6 32oz Long Islands

$2.50 22oz Keeper Cup, $2.75 Corona, $3 Liquor Specials $4 Jameson

$6 Bud Light Pitchers $3 Effen Vodaks $2 Red Head Shots

$2.50 Import Bottles and Malt Beverages $8 Margarita Pitchers Every Day!

FRI.

Slainte Saturday: $3 Any Flavor of Three Olives Premium Vodka

$2.75 Coronas $6 32oz Rum and Coke & Vodka Lemonade $3.50 12oz Bacardi Family Drinks

$3.75 24oz Cup $3.50 Liquor Special

$4 Rolling Rock Pitchers $3 Smirnoff Flavors $2 Sex on the Beach Shots

$2.50 Well Drinks $8 Margarita Pitchers

SAT.

Sunday Bloody Sunday ALL of our Daily Specials available! $4 16oz Ultimate Bloody Marys featuring Ketel One Vodka

Closed

$3.75 24oz Cup $4 Absolute Bloody Marys

$3 Bloody Marys $2 Miller Lite Bottles $2 Alabama Slamer Shots

Bucket Day! $9 Domestic Buckets (5 Bottles) $8 Margarita Pitchers Every Day!

SUN.

Mad Monday! $3 All Import Bottles and Microbrew Bottles

$9 Domestic Buckets (5 Bottles)

$5 Domestic Pitchers $3 Fireball Shots

$2 Bud Light Drafts $3 Fireball Shots

$3 Smirnoff Vodka Drinks (Any Flavor) $8 Margarita Pitchers

Well To Do Tuesday $3 All WELL Vodka, Gin, Rum, Tequila, American Whiskey and Liquors

$2 You-Call-Its

$2 Domestic Longnecks $3 Imports, Micros, & Rail Calls

$3 All Rum Shots $2 Corona Light Drafts $2 Lemon Drop Shots

$3 Captain Morgan $8 Margarita Pitchers Every Day!

$5 Bud Family Pitchers, Vodka Red Bull, & All Bombs

$8 Bottles of Wine $2 Glasses of Woodbridge White $2 Bud Light Bottles $2 Washington Apple Shots

Bucket Day! $9 Domestic Buckets (5 Bottles) $8 Margarita Pitchers

Whiskey Wednesday $3 All CALL American, Irish, Scotch and Canadian Whiskey

$7 Premium Pitchers

MON. TUES. WED.

Sunday Bloody Sunday ALL of our Daily Specials available! $4 16oz Ultimate Bloody Marys featuring Ketel One Vodka

THE DOS AND DON’TS OF DRINKING GAMES: AN ETIQUETTE GUIDE Staﬀ wrote this

For years, old geezers everywhere have harped on the younger generations for being rude, uncivilized little pricks, and that’s without ever witnessing a Friday night pre-game party in a college town. While not as celebrated or scrutinized as professional athletes, participants in drinking games similarly need to ensure they hold themselves to a higher standard. Use these drinking game Dos and Don’ts to guide you during competition. Do: Stay focused. Nothing kills the mood of a drinking game more than needing to constantly remind someone it’s his turn. Pre-game time is precious; it shan’t be wasted bombarding your friends with Snapchats or ordering DP Dough. Don’t: Be a sore loser. Sure, it may be the booze talking, but if you’re willing to “take this outside” because your roommate has better fine motor skills than you, your parents were probably the type to cuss out Little League umpires. Do: Talk trash. Drinking games are the perfect time to bring out your inner Richard Sherman, as trash talking can liven up any game. That being said, we’re all Redbirds here, so keep it within reason; unless you’re facing a Weslyan kid, then all bets are off.

Don’t: Be a dick to your teammates. You don’t see Deontae Hawkins scold Reggie Lynch when he misses an open shot, do you? Instead, he picks him up, pats him on the back, wipes the spittle off his mouth and hands him another beer. It’s what teammates are for. Do: Respect house rules. We don’t care if you have played no re-racks since your days on the kindergarten playground, the fact that you or one of the 100 other drunk-asses in our house will probably ravage through our fridge and poop in our shower is entitlement enough. It’s like going to Europe and insisting they should call “futbol” soccer instead, because ‘Merica. Don’t: Forget to cheers. Not known by many, the subtle sign of clinking your glass to another’s was used in Revolutionary America to differentiate fellow revolutionaries from the British loyalists. While this fact is 101% false, it’s at least a nice gesture to share before you and your friends’ mutual intoxication and has inspired some of the most moving, incoherent speeches to date. Do: Leave the table if you’re going to vomit. Sure, it’s embarrassing to quickly run off to the bathroom after downing a keg cup of beer right in front of the cute guy you like, but chances are he’ll still hit on you as long you rally well. Spewing mashed-up remains of Chipotle and Coors Light

through your nostrils like an elephant all over your dress as you attempt to cover your mouth, on the other hand, might be a bit of a turn-off. Do: Feel free to team up on one player. Getting a group of friends to all shovel their allotted drinks onto one poor soul during games such as Quarters and Waterfall is a drinking game ritual, and a great way to exact revenge for past wrongdoings. It’s a cruel tactic, and it’ll probably leave the victim of it passed out in a heaping

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mess in the corner with a shoe for a pillow and several Kraft singles as their blanket, but hey, you should know it’s a risk you take anytime you step to the table. Too many weekend nights have been lost and friendships destroyed over poor drinking game etiquette. Cut or print this guide out and duct tape that bad boy right next to your favorite playing field to keep everyone in line. You stay classy, Blo-No.

BARTENDER OF THE WEEK

DT AT PUB II

Relationship Status: Available Major: Communication Favorite Drink: Straight-up Jack and Coke Favorite Shot: Rumple… talk about it. Disgusting Drink: Manhattan, Old Fashioned, anything that hasn’t been made in 50 years. What’s the best drink to have after a good cry?: Rumple What is $3 champagne better for than $20 champagne?: Make-up sex Who is our nation’s noblest drunk?: Barack Obama What Hall of Fame do you most deserve to be in?: The

Bartender’s Hall of Fame Give us a budget ballin’ date dinner menu: Wendy’s drivethru: 6-piece chicken nuggets and 2 Frostys, 1 chocolate and 1 vanilla In sexual base running, what is an inside-the-park home run?: It’s an ITPHR. If you were stuck in a karaoke battle with an alien to save humanity, which song would you perform?: “Baby Got Back” because my anaconda don’t want none. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because I’m in it and Pub II has free peanuts Monday nights.

THE DRINKING GAME

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALL GAME

I SCREAM FOR ICE CREAM

With spring comes the greatest sports season of all time: baseball. So grab a bag of peanuts and take a seat at your favorite stadium. Our drinking game will make your fun in the sun that much more interesting.

The weather is getting warm and will hopefully stay that way. There’s no better way to cool down than to dig into a huge ice cream sundae. Skip the lines of basic bitches at your local froyo shop and create your own sundae following our famous The Black Sheep recipe.

What You’ll Need: Any kind of drink, but if you’re at a ball game it should be a beer, you goddamn American.

What You’ll Need: A tub of your favorite flavor of ice cream, chocolate syrup, sprinkles, whipped cream, and other stuff.

Number of Players: You and 40,000 other sunburnt lunatics. Level of Intoxication: You’ll forget which color your team is wearing. How to Play: -Take a drink every time someone tries to sell you another beer. -Take a drink for every foul ball (try to catch it if it’s near you). -Take a drink each time you see someone with a hot dog. -Take a drink every time a new pitcher or pinch hitter comes in. -Take a drink for each jumbotron game played between innings. Drink twice if your pick loses. -If there’s a meeting at the mound, keep drinking until play resumes. -Take a long drink for every homerun. -Take a big ol’ drink after every inning. -Drink if your team wins. -Drink more if your team loses. The Game Ends: After the 9th inning and you’re left walking in circles trying to find your car outside.

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Fatty Factor: We really hope you’re not lactose intolerant… Let’s Get Baked: -Scoop your ice cream into a large bowl. -Heat up the chocolate syrup for 30 seconds, then drizzle it on top. -Drop a couple of diabetic-sized spoonfuls of sprinkles on top. -Dump any other toppings you may have found in your pantry. Think crackers, cookies, gummy anything, left-over pastries from Easter. Just go nuts. -Top it all off with a can of whipped cream. Don’t be shy. Now that you have a colossal sundae, go ahead and dig in before it starts to melt. Eating your creation in the comfort of your home means you avoid hearing girls talk about just “how white girl wasted” they got last night.

NOMNOMNOM AT THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

NIC CAGE UNDERSTANDS YOUR FINALS STRUGGLES (AND SO CAN YOU!) Finals. What came to mind when you saw that word? Pain? Agony? Nicolas Cage? We know it probably wasn’t Nicolas Cage, but we’re here to tell you it should be. A cornerstone of the Hollywood scene for years, Nicolas Cage is known for his amazing feats of actoring, subtle emotional nuances, and most importantly, starring in really really great movies. But Nic is more than meets the eye; he’s a hidden gem filled with a lifetime of knowledge. While you may not fully understand the tornado of desperation that is finals, it might surprise you to know that Nic does, and he’s here to help.

- Molly Ade

Just thinking about finals is stressful, and stress can make you do crazy things, like get really high and steal a baby. When Nic gets stressed from screaming every word that comes out of his mouth, he too sometimes gets really high and steals a baby. It’s okay, the baby had an edible— he doesn’t even know what his fingers are right now.

That first look at a semester’s worth of notes is like the bubonic plague: no matter how hard you try, you won’t be able to avoid being bitten by a rat that’s been running around in street sewage because this is the 14th century and you don’t know what a toilet is. Did you follow that simile? Just looking at the overload of chunks of information squeezed between unidentifiable doodles makes you feel like you’ve somehow been put in a woman’s naked body in the shower while a bumble bee crawls on you and Gordon Ramsay threatens to kill you for overcooking the butternut squash.

Screw having time to degrime, who has the time to workout during finals? Nic Cage doesn’t have the time to workout during finals. Just like you, Nic likes to tell people he’s working out and staying fit when really he’s just sitting on his couch mesmerized by whatever Lifetime movie is currently playing.

You’re free from that one-night stand that you swear never happened, but you’re not totally in the clear. Finals week isn’t a hangover immunity shield, and nothing makes your head and body hurt more than “The inner mitochondrial membrane is compartmentalized into numerous cristae, which expand the surface area of the inner mitochondrial membrane, enhancing its ability to produce ATP.” One eye is screaming from the brutal assault of library fluorescent lights. The other eye is confused because it comprehended 0% of that sentence. Your brain is smiling though. It’s still drunk and thinks your current inability to properly hold a pencil is hilarious.

The brain can only hold a finite amount of important information—like the sexual preferences of each famous philosopher for example—which means other, more common sense information—like your name or how to operate a microwave—is pushed out of the ol’ ear hole to make room for academia. Silly Nic, handcuffing your finger isn’t going to keep you attached to anything!

Sometimes during finals you’re assigned long, painful papers that seem like they’re never going to end. Sometimes you pour your heart and overly caffeinated soul into said treacherously long paper, only to realize you’ve written it on the completely wrong topic and you have 5 hours to do it all over again. When that time comes, it’s only natural to blink out every last little bit of soul you had in your eyes and just stare like you have the mental function of [insert name of Johnny Depp’s character] in [insert name of Johnny Depp movie].

Finals can bring out mixed emotions. You might be happy to be done with one class while still stressfully confused that you’ve still managed to learn nothing in an entire semester. No matter what you’re feeling, you should always be honest with your emotions. When Nic has mixed emotions he leaves them all out on the table. Sometimes he’s happy, sometimes he’s sad. Sometimes he has catstache, sometimes he does not have catstache.

You’re almost at the finish line, just one final to go, but you can’t help feeling like you’ve gained almost too much information in too short a timespan. Begrudgingly you decide you can’t study for your last final, not because you don’t want to, but because the slightest bit more knowledge could startle your bird hair into flying away.

Personal hygiene gets thrown out the window when there’s even a whiff of finals in the air; it’s the only time of year where all students band together to suffocate campus with B.O. stench and blind it with pedophilic pizza delivery guy mustaches. Looking back at pictures, you may be thinking, “What the actual fuck was I thinking?” but don’t be alarmed, Nic is too.

Spending days on end in the cold dungeon the administrators of death call “the library” can take a serious toll on a person. It’s okay to take one night to go out, let loose, and maybe hookup with the love of your life you just met 10 minutes ago. Unfortunately they’ll probably have leopard bed sheets, and more unfortunately the carpet will probably match the leopard drapes, but at least you’ll have a perfect getaway excuse! I’d love to stay and name our future children but the dungeon awaits me.

You’ve made it through finals—finally—but you’re not the same person you were when you started. You’ve gained new knowledge you’ll carry with you for the rest of the next two weeks, you’ve seen things a person should never have to see; if you looked in a mirror you’d barely recognize yourself. Nic goes through this transformation every time he churns out a motion picture for the ages. Is this a picture of an eagle? Yes. Is it also Nic Cage? Yes. Nicolas Cage is now a bird, and so can you.

READ MORE ONLINE THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB

LET’S TEAR UP THIS BANGER! Even though it’s only a ___1___ night, I’m always down to get a little turnt. Pounding some ___2___s, slamming some ___3___ girls, you know, the usual. It’s ___4___ sister’s friend’s neighbor who’s in ___5___, and she’s turning 21. Who doesn’t love a good shitshow birthday, amirite? Since getting my fake ID for Christmas I’m bringing a fifth of ___6___ vodka and a fifth of ___7___ because bitches love that shit. I’m also going to stop at ___8___ and pick up a new button-up, and just tell people it’s from ___9___because everyone will be too drunk to know the difference. Hey, maybe I’ll really impress them and bring some ___10___, everyone loves fire! Should I pick up some helium balloons, inhale some, and do my infamous ___11___ impression? Yeah, bruh, probably. Every girl loves ___12___ because it reminds them of their childhood, and then they start talking about ___13___ and then they got all excited, and that’s good for the dudes, know what I’m saying? I also heard that ___14___ is going to be there, and that she can twerk better than ___15___ and ___16___ combined. Maybe I should make a playlist just in case the party isn’t popping enough. You know, some ___17___, some ___18___, and ___19___, the bitches love her. Of course I’ll throw on ___20___ to really get them asses bouncin’.

WORD BANK 1) Weekday 2) Shitty beer 3) Freshman dorm 4) Your roommate 5) “Fun” sorority 6) Flavor 7) Unusual liqueur 8) Grocery store 9) High-end designer 10) Type of firework 11) Cartoon character 12) Cartoon from #11

Finna get laid tonight! I better wash my ___21___ sheets and make sure I have ___22___on hand for when I bring the party home. Birthday parties are the best!

13) Popstar from your childhood 14) Hottie on campus 15) Hot celebrity female 16) Old but hot celebrity female 17) Overplayed EDM artist 18) Classic rock band 19) Classic popstar 20) Bangin’ rap song 21) Cartoon from #11 22) Drunk food

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THE POPSTARS CROSSWORD ACROSS

3) Charli XCX’s real first name. 5) Demi Lovoto was diagnosed with this disorder during her 2010 stint in treatment. 6) Mariah Carey expresses this holiday as her favorite. 8) This first season winner of American Idol, two words. 9) This pop star will release her 13th album Rebel Heart in early 2015. 10) Ariana Grande was born in this city, two words. 14) Katy Perry got her start singing this type of music as a teenager. 15) Taylor Swift infamously pulled her music from this music streaming service.

DOWN

1) Iggy Azalea moved to the United States from this country in 2006. 2) This popular English singer sadly joined “The 27 Club” in July 2011. 4) This pop star’s real name is Stefani Germanotta, two words. 6) Britney Spears was the star of this 2002 cult-film. 7) Whitney Houston is the only artist to chart this many consecutive Number 1 Billboard Hot 100 hits. 8) This pop star recently took the $ out of her name. 9) Adele was originally offered a recording contract by being discovered on this social media site. 11) Miley Cyrus put this type of dancing on the map. 12) Blue Ivy is this star’s child. 13) This pop star comes from New Zealand, and broke out in 2013.

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