Illinois State - Issue 7 - 4/17/2014 by The Black Sheep

Vol. 6, Issue 7

The Black Sheep THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE

FRE

E.. A B . LIKE IRD BAT FOU HIN NTA G IN I N.

4/17/14 - 4/30/14

EX-PRESIDENT FLANAGAN RETURNS TO CAMPUS TO FINISH THE JOB ULYSSES E. LOCKWOOD WROTE THIS Following allegations of a violent runin with his groundskeeper, ex-President Flanagan rolled back into Normal, Illinois last week. Spectators say they saw the former president driving a rusty black Ford Taurus with a lit cigarette in his mouth, and blasting “Crazy Bitch” by Buckcherry at full-volume. Though it had only been a few weeks since his resignation, Flanagan returned to campus with a new look and a hell of a lot of attitude. “He just stared straight ahead like he didn’t even care,” said a thoroughly intimidated bystander. “His shirt was drenched in sweat... it looked like he had been up for at least 24 hours straight... and it looked a little like he had been crying.” The first stop in Flanagan’s afternoon of terror was his former off-campus residence. The ex-president reportedly sat in the parked car for several minutes, breathing heavily and blasting screamo music before suddenly grabbing the steering wheel with both hands, screaming at the top of his lungs and violently shaking his head back and forth repeatedly. He proceeded to chug a Monster Energy drink then aggressively exited his vehicle, allowing several empty cans to fall out while leaving the engine running and the car door ajar. Upon seeing what a wasteland of unmowed grass his once-pristinely pedicured lawn had become, the 61-year-old educator dropped to his knees and shouted “MUUURRRRPHYYYY!!!” loud enough to startle a flock of birds out of the endless meadow that surrounded him.

The visibly enraged Flanagan then slowly rose to his feet, clumps of grass clutched in each fist, and burst into an all-out sprint back towards the heart of campus, leaving his flip-flops behind in the dust. He was next spotted on the Quad. The hysterical senior citizen reached campus during the midday rush. Students reported that he strutted through the Quad like “the hardest man alive” while making crude remarks at girls and staring down anyone who dared look him in the eye. Onlookers reported that the unhinged former president approached the grounds keeping building with a boombox police presumed he had stolen. It was playing “X Gon’ Give It To Ya.” He began to take out his rage on their garden. “He started out just stomping and kicking the flowers, but then he got tired and started tearing out swatches of sod with his bare hands,” a clearly disturbed student stated to reporters. “He was sobbing hysterically… He tried to uproot one of the newly-planted trees, but stopped from exhaustion before he got it all the way out. I felt bad for the guy… I was kind of starting to think he could do it.” The soaking wet and filthy 61-year old sat in the ruined garden and proceeded to shout out Murphy’s name repeatedly, his voice occasionally cracking from fatigue and rage. After nearly 10 minutes of shouting, Patrick Murphy emerged from the building with a large group of campus security and his fellow gardeners at his back. “How low the king falls. Look at you, standing alone. You’ve got no place here,”

PAGE 4

TOP 10: WAYS TO AVOID STUDYING FOR FINALS A SAXOPHONE, MAGIC AND A FEW SECRET CODES CAN DO JUST THE TRICK.

Murphy said with a tranquil tone over the icy silence that had fallen across the Quad. “I didn’t hear no bell,” sputtered a down– but-not-out-Flanagan after removing his shirt to reveal his pale and wrinkly body covered in tattoos of eyeless doll heads and scars poorly stitched together. “I’m not leaving until I’ve finished what I started, you grass-cutting, bush-trimming, hai-

ku-speaking piece of garbage,” continued the now half-naked ex-President of Illinois State University, broken cigarette hanging from his mouth. The two men stared at each other for what witnesses described as an eternity until Murphy and his posse returned to their building, laughing at the former leader of the university. By this time police sirens could be heard in the distance, which led a still-shirtless Flana-

PAGE 7

gan to retreat to his Taurus. Since the wild events of that day, the maniacal former president’s reputation has become nothing short of legend. Students can be seen wearing t-shirts with Flanagan’s mugshot, and it’s been reported that Ford Taurus sales in the Bloomington-Normal area have gone up 15%.

PAGE 10

THE CHURCH OF POT

THE PRESIDENTIAL GAMES

EASTER AND 4/20 ON THE SAME DAY. IT ONLY HAPPENS ONCE EVERY MILLION YEARS.

“I NEVER GO ANYWHERE WITHOUT BRASS KNUCKLES,” SAYS NEW PRESIDENT, LARRY DIETZ.

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CHEATAH A student who finishes his test so fast, the professor can’t help but wonder how he cheated. “’Yeah, this one dipshit finished my calc exam so fast,’ Professor Boneson noted, ‘that I’m sure he’s a cheatah, I just haven’t caught him yet.’”

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AROUND CAMPUS

THE

TOP

TEN

WAYS TO AVOID STUDYING FOR FINALS SCOOP CHANG WROTE THIS

The Black Sheep knows you’re looking for easy tips and tricks to get away from the humdrum act of actually studying for your exams. The question is, what do you do when you don’t want to study? Cheat! Here’s how the experts at The Black Sheep get our good grades. 10.) Pills: Everyone from your little sister to your hot grandma is popping Adderall and Vyvanse these days, but you know what the best study drug is? Steroids. Good ol’ American, inject-‘em-into-yourbutt steroids. The brain is a muscle, so if you take steroids your brain is gonna get ripped!

IT’S A BIRD, IT’S A PLANE,

IT’S… ADVICEMAN JENNIFER GREEN WROTE THIS

College campuses across the nation have reported sighting a figure that can only be described as something out of Marvel’s nightmares; a masked superhero who roams from college to college giving shitty advice to students in need who identifies himself only as Adviceman. This pseudo-hero was last spotted at Illinois State University, misguiding and corrupting America’s youth. Adviceman’s first distress call was from freshman Gunner Holdener on a stressful Tuesday night. “There’s no way I’m gonna get all this done,” Gunner whined just as Adviceman burst through the door. “What’s the problem, sport?” Adviceman asked the frazzled freshman. Gunner told him about the 8-page paper that due the next day and his two upcoming midterms. Adviceman stared Gunner directly in the eyes, pulled a flask of whiskey from his utility belt, and whispered, “YOLO”, handing Gunner the flask. Before he had time to protest, Adviceman was gone! Ready to take on more problems, he ventured to the dining center, where he overheard two guys talking about their bad luck with girls. “Fear not gentlemen, for Adviceman is here!” he said as he pulled up a chair. “Bro, what the-“ Adviceman interrupted, “If you want to get the ladies, listen to my advice. Get a tribal tattoo and join a fraternity. Works like a charm.” And before they could say anything, Adviceman vanished. After leaving the dining center, he wandered over to the library in search of other confused souls to misguide. Walking through the aisles, he heard a woman having an intimate conversation with a friend about how to deal with her cheating boyfriend. “I have an idea!” Adviceman screamed. “I couldn’t help but eavesdr--, I mean overhear your dilemma. The best thing to do in a situation like this is to cheat on him to get revenge! Once he finds out, he’ll be so afraid of losing you that he’ll never cheat

again! No need to thank me ladies, just doing my job.” And without letting them get a word in, Adviceman zoomed off, yet again. The Black Sheep caught up with some recipients of Adviceman’s advice to see how they had dealt with their problems. We found Gunner holding a 40 oz. on the side of the road, crying. When asked how his life has been since listening to Adviceman he told us, “Instead studying and writing papers, I bought in to that masked weirdo’s advice. I got wasted off that flask of whiskey, which I’m pretty sure was roofied, and bombed my two most important tests. Now I’m failing, and what’s worse is that I’m pretty sure I’m an alcoholic. All because of bitch-ass Adviceman.” Not wanting to deal with this whiny bitch, we left Gunner with his tears so we could go interview the other victims of anti-advice. We met up with the two game-less dudes on the Quad to see if they had any more success with Adviceman’s advice. “I didn’t think it was possible to get any less attention from chicks than we do now. Ever since we got these stupid tribal tattoos we’ve been called tools, douchebags, and even the frats won’t let us join because of how douchey we look. THE FRATS think WE’RE too douchey! Next time I see Adviceman, my foot’s got some serious advice for his ass.” Finally, we tracked down library girl to see if she had any better luck with his advice. “That son of a bitch ruined my relationship and my reputation. I told my boyfriend that I cheated on him to make him jealous, but instead of fighting for me he dumped me and told all of his friends I was a slut. Even worse - the guy gave me herpes! So, I’m going to go find Adviceman and give him a piece of my mind! Also, some herpes!” This article comes as more of a warning to you all. If you see a flying dude in colorful tights, don’t take his advice. You may end up with herpes, alcoholism, or a tribal tattoo.

9.) Animals: Step one: pretend to be blind. Step two: write the test answers on your seeing-eye monkey/marmot/manatee, Slim Charles. 8.) Tattoos: Don’t feel like training a marmot? Tattoo equations on your arm, so when the professors accuse you of cheating you can say “whoa man, this was my grandma’s Holocaust tattoo.” If he ever bothers you again just stare him down and yell “NEVER AGAIN!” 7.) Liquid Memory: Taste and smell are directly linked to memory, so abusing this science is a way to memorize without the work. Look at a textbook, but don’t read it, there’s no need. Just stare at it while drinking or smelling something memorable, like sour milk and old cabbage. Then when the test rolls around, drink or smell it again and you’ll be able to see the page in its entirety in your mind’s eye. 6.) A Saxophone: Write answers on the sax so everyone thinks you’re going to use it to cheat on the test. Then nuke everyone’s mind right before the exam with an amazing saxophone solo. They’ll be so blown away by your smooth jazz that they’ll fail the test and lower the curve. 5.) Food: Some professors allow snacks in the classroom. For those who don’t, just say you have diabetes and you can pretty much eat whatever and whenever you want. Write definitions and formulas on potato chips, Pringles are the easiest. During the test when you need an extra burst of knowledge, eat a chip. Like the old saying goes “You ascertain the knowledge written on the things you ingest.” 4.) Fake an Illness: Sometimes it’s best to pretend to have a tummy ache when test-taking time comes around. That way you can vomit into a bucket you’ve strategically placed next to your desk. Within the vomit are the answers to the test you swallowed minutes before the exam began. 3.) Secret Codes: You’ll have to cooperate with your classmates on this one. When someone in the class knows an answer, they’ll cough if it’s “A,” sneeze if it’s “B,” and sniffle if it’s time to enter the secret code into your PDA that arms a bomb under the professor’s desk. After that, it’s a simple game of extortion until you all pass the final. 2.) Magic: When you’re really out of ideas and studying just doesn’t seem exciting, just remember you can always resolve to quit school to become a magician. Most magicians are masters of disguise and after a few years of practicing you can kidnap your professor, take his place, and retroactively give yourself a passing grade on the final you never took. 1.) An Elaborate Heist: The best option you have is to simply steal the answer key from your professor’s office Ocean’s Twelve-style. Write the script for a terrible movie and cast your professor as the Julia Roberts-type character who plays themself going into their office and stealing the answers. After that it’s a simple matter of drugging them and throwing them in the sewer once you have the test answers in hand.

AROUND CAMPUS SEND US YOUR PARTY PICS TO PICS@THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

ON THE STREETS WHAT’S THE WORST THING YOU’VE EVER BEEN WOKEN UP BY? Sergio, Sophomore

“My roommate’s alarm.”

Margo, Junior

“Someone pissing in my closet.”

Taylor, Sophomore

“A fire alarm.”

THE CHURCH OF POT

OR, HOW I GOT HIGH AND FOUND JESUS ISAAC DREIDELSCHLEITZE WROTE THIS

This was it. April 20, 2014. Better known to pot-smoking lowlifes with nothing in their head but pipe dreams and an unclear image of what’s going on in the world, Easter. In my bedroom I awoke to a soft light peeking through the plastic blinds. The light formed a cross on the opposing wall, as it often does. Only this time, the light-cross was reflecting off my bong in the most magical way. It was a sign from God himself that I should get high today. I started documenting myself as I plunged into the dark abyss that is Illinois State University.

9:34 A.M.: FIRST TOKE

My parents sent me some dyed eggs painted in the trippiest colors. I ate a few before I realized that they were made of plastic. Silly me!

9:45 A.M.: PANIC

So apparently those plastic eggs are really toxic if ingested whole. After inducing vomiting, I felt hungry for another

hit off my bong.

9:59 A.M.: SECOND TOKE, EXPLORATION BEGINS

I was on my way to the Quad, where people were gathered on the grass hunting for eggs and some dude in a bunny suit was staring at me. I thought maybe he was a cop? Shit. I shouldn’t have worn my Phish shirt. He totally knew, but whatever. I decided to help these dumb kids find some eggs, because I’m awesome.

“[Jesus] said ‘Terrapin Station’ while blazed is the best song ever.’ He was right, too.”

10:40 A.M.: RELIGION CONSUMES ME

The man in the bunny suit approached me after what felt like an eternity of searching; those kids couldn’t find eggs for shit. He explained to me that the colorful eggs were for the children, the

small ones I was eating were robin eggs, and that I should get my hippy ass away from there before he called the cops. I spaced out while he was lecturing me, and just behind the bunny man I sighted a dude walking across the open grass. He had long, brown, flowing hair, a beard, and a white robe. It was definitely Jesus. I ran over to him screaming. “JESUS! JESUS! WAIT UP DUDE!” He locked eyes with me as I ran towards him. I realized how insane I must look. He was holding the Bible and had a cross around his neck. It was totally Jesus. I tripped over a kid picking up the last Easter egg on the quad and I hit the ground. 7:00 P.M.: BORN AGAIN After going dark on the Quad I was rushed to the nearest hospital where I had apparently been spouting all about how I had seen Jesus. At my bedside were my parents and friends. My parents were crying, they thought I had gone insane. My friends were laughing their ass off. “What a fucking idiot! Found Jesus,

yeah right.” But one man appeared in the back of the room that was neither laughing nor crying. It was the great Al Bowman. “Tell me what you have seen, my son. I believe I have seen it too,” Bowman came towards the bed and crouched down. “I was just…on the Quad, and there was Jesus, right there in the flesh. He even stared at me and told me something… telekinetically.” Bowman’s eyes widened. “What did he tell you, my son?” Why did Bowman keep calling me his son? I’m not even black.

“He told me…to toke up. And he said ‘Terrapin Station’ while blazed is the best song ever.” He was right, too. Bowman stood up and left without responding. Not sure what he was doing there anyway. Luckily I’m still alive to tell the tale of how I got high on Easter and found Jesus. According to witnesses, on Easter Sunday Isaac Dreidelschlietze walked onto the Quad, and went into a minor coma after eating about 20 robin eggs. Perhaps he did find Jesus. We will never know. But he probably didn’t.

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What Girls Look For in a Dick Pic

Dudes, listen up. The ladies of The Black Sheep are here to help you. We’ve created this guide to help you create the perfect dick pic. It’s a distinguished art, and you deserve to learn from the best. Your relationships are important to us, and where does every kind of college relationship begin? At the dick pic, of course.

VERONICA SILVERADO WROTE THIS

Angles: Okay, we get that you have pasty, extremely hairy legs, but that doesn’t mean anyone wants to see them. The angles of your dick pic are surprisingly important. A lot of unwanted and embarrassing things can show up on the sides of the picture. For instance, your boxers crumpled up at your ankles. No one, repeat no one, wants to see the jizz stains on your pants. The porn open on your laptop? The shit left unflushed in the toilet? The picture of you and your girlfriend on your bedside table? You could leave those out too. Mirror pics: As a general rule, we advise that you steer clear of mirrors at all times in any dick pic situation. Surprisingly, keeping the flash on to hide your face but show all the toothpaste stains on your mirror does not turn a girl on. Yes, we realize you want to show off your rockin’ abs, but c’mon, is it worth it? Not to mention using a mirror leads to the worst kind of bad angles, with the worst backgrounds—like crying babies. Please, make sure your children are out of any nude pictures you take of yourself. Your face: The eternal struggle of the nude picture taker is whether or not to include one’s face in the photo. Generally, it is always a good idea to keep your face out of your dick pic. First off, didn’t years of teenage angst resulting from your parents divorce teach you to trust no one? You owned a ripped-up shirt from Hot Topic with those exact words printed on it. Most of the people you’re sending these pictures to aren’t the most trustworthy people anyway. And how could you even get your face in the picture without taking the horrible mirror pic? You could maybe try the selfie with the dick in it, but your double chin is way worse than any mirror picture. References: A reference is always a good way to show the recipient of your dick pic how hung or un-hung you truly are. Common objects for reference include hands, bananas, heck, basically any object in the picture with you (yes, even that picture of your girlfriend). Holding the reference or the camera too close will make a girl nervous, and holding it too far away makes someone think “Why are you literally holding your camera behind your head to take a picture? Is your frat bro taking it for you? Oh God, I need to start experimenting with girls.” Just keep it simple, stupid. The refined art of the dick pic is one that can’t be taught, it must be learned through practice, so cheers. Just keep in mind that when she does open your dick Snapchat, at least one of her friends will be viewing it with her. Good luck.

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SUNDAY

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$2.50 Import Bottles and Malt Beverages

FRIDAY

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Closed

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Mad Monday! $3 All Import Bottles and Microbrew Bottles

$9 Domestic Buckets (5 Bottles)

$4 Domestic Pitchers $3 Fireball Shots

$3 Smirnoff Vodka Drinks (Any Flavor)

MONDAY

Well To Do Tuesday $3 All WELL Vodka, Gin, Rum, Tequila, American Whiskey and Liquors

$2 You-Call-Its

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$3 Captain Morgan

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THE PRESIDENTIAL GAMES MASHED BURGERS WROTE THIS In wake of Flanagan’s haymaker to his gardener, Larry Dietz has been named president of Illinois State University. “It’s a great honor to serve this university,” Dietz said with confidence and poise, “but it wasn’t an easy road. I’m happy my hard work paid off.” Here at The Black Sheep, we wondered what that road was like; so we did a little detective work. The answers will astound you. We’ve all heard stories of President Dietz’s legendary bender shenanigans, either of killing kegs or shutting down Kappa Kabanna, so we figured we could try to get him blasted in order to learn more of the truth. After showing up at his new mansion with a couple thirty-racks of Natty Light, President Dietz was quick to invite us in. The words spilled from his mouth as Natties spilled down his shirt. Of the thirty candidates left over from the nationwide search that ended in Flanagan’s appointment, sixteen were asked back to compete in the Presidential Games. Each beer Dietz pounded revealed an even more shocking detail; starting with a cult-like ceremony to kick the games off. The sixteen participants, stiff as wood, gave their utmost attention to their Supreme Leader, Al Bowman. He performed some satanic rituals before welcoming the contestants and giving thanks to the gods of blood and beer. Dietz slurred something about “swearing an oath of secrecy to the Supreme Leader” and hyping himself up by listening to some Rihanna for start of the Presidential Games. The first event was a battle royale, an all-out brawl; no rules, no refs, no mercy, just sixteen people and thirtytwo fists. The sixteen would dwindle to two before the start of the second event. “All I knew is that I was fucking up anyone who looked at me. This beer tastes like piss. I like it” giggled Dietz to a The Black Sheep staffer. The newly-appointed president went on to explain how he always carries brass knuckles on him, so the fight was a breeze. He left one candidate, Professor Huff, with a broken jaw and several others with broken noses, hearts, and dreams. “Yeah I even teabagged some of them goons after I dropped ‘em. Halo-style.” The two remaining candidates, Larry Dietz and Trevor Ian Tang, squared off in the second and final round: a drinking contest. Rules were simple; first one to throw up loses. After three cases, one fifth, six pints, four shooters and a joint, Supreme Leader Bowman announced that since Dietz and Tang both hadn’t thrown up,

the round was a draw. Dietz muttered of the matter “Yeah, I drink like a Redbird, not a Titan or whatever the hell Bradley’s mascot is…sue me! Hey… who stole my beer?” The night turned to day and ISU needed a president quicker than Mike Tyson needs coke after a fight. “Playground-style muthafukkaz,” announced Bowman “Rock-Paper-Scissors.” The two candidates stumbled in accordance. Tension mounted as ”Eye of the Tiger” began to flood the room with anticipation. Rock…Paper… Scissors… SHOOT! Dietz threw his trusty paper knowing T.I. Tang was too gone to throw anything other than rock. “Yeah I’m a goddamn genius, that’s why I’m president, paper always beats rock, don’t ask me why,” Dietz triumphantly cooed to our staff. It seemed he suddenly remembered who he was as he finally stood up, chugged his beer and asked “Thanks for the brew but what the fuck is The Black Sheep anyway, and how the hell does paper beat rock?”

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Favorite Drink: Ketel One and soda with lemon Favorite Shot: Sweet Tastin’ Pussy Disgusting Drink: Liquid Cocaine

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Who was the best bar patron you’ve ever had, and why?: He said he would tip me $20 if he could show me his boobs. I said absolutely. What drink best encapsulates your dancing style?: Sex on the beach.

OF THE WEEK Kyla of Pub II

DRINKING GAME Easter Egg Bombs It’s time for everyone’s favorite holiday, Easter! It’s so great! There’s candy and eggs and creepy bunnies and dye that never comes off your fingers! How amazing! Let’s get drunk! What You’ll Need: 5-dozen eggs, shot glasses and your favorite tequila. Number of People: As many as you want. Level of Intoxication: May the eggs be ever in your favor. How to Play: - Take about a half-hour and hard boil half of those eggs. For those of you who are keeping track, that’s 30 eggs. If you don’t know how to do this, call your mom or ask the Google. - Once the eggs are done, give them a chance to cool. Toss them in the refrigerator. Otherwise, it’s going to be really easy to tell which ones are hard boiled and which ones aren’t. - When everything’s cool, take out the egg cartons and place them on the table. - One by one, blindly pick one egg from all of the cartons. Hand it to the person next to you and have them throw it at you from ten or so feet away. - If it breaks, that sucks! Take a shot of tequila too, so you can further embarrass yourself. - If it doesn’t break, you got lucky this time. Have the next person draw an egg and continue on. The Game Ends When: All the eggs are gone, and you guys could make a mean-ass omelet with shit on your face.

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Where’s the best place to hide in this bar?: The walk-in cooler. Five words to describe

the current state of your checking account: Oh my fucking god, whoops. If you had to compete in one thing to save the earth, what would that thing be?: Jim Carrey movie quoting contest. What euphemism for sex is your favorite and why?: Riding the pogo stick, because bouncing is fun. What’s something you believe in that other people think you’re crazy for believing?: The flight that went missing didn’t really crash into the ocean. Say, do you know where I can score some Percocet?: Is… is that a question? Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because it’s fucking awesome!

RECIPE for DISASTER Simple, Sexy Sugar Cookies Oh god, these aren’t the ones from the tube? You mean, like, I have to measure stuff? But… uh…what about, I mean do you think the store is open so we can just go get a tube of them? Do we even have flour? Why did we wait until 2a.m. to do this, Karen? What You Need: 2 ¾ cups flour, 1 tsp baking soda, ½ tsp baking powder, 1 ½ cups white sugar, 1 cup of butter, 1 egg, 1 tsp vanilla extract Cook Time: 25 minutes Fatty Factor: SHUT UP KAREN, I NEED THE SUGAR TO HELP ME STUDY. Let’s Get Baked: -Preheat your oven to 375 degrees. -Melt the cup of butter in a saucepan over very low heat. -In a bowl, mix together the flour, baking soda and baking powder. -In another bowl mix the melted butter and sugar together until smooth. -Beat egg and vanilla into the butter and sugar mix. -Gradually blend dry mixture into the butter mix. -Roll into about one dozen balls. Slightly smoosh them, and place the smooshed balls onto a parchment paper-covered baking sheet. -Bake in oven for 8-10 minutes. -The cookies will be soft when you pull them. This is normal. Don’t continue cooking past 12 minutes, or you’ll burn the bottoms. -Let rest for at least 5 minutes. Try to eat just one. Really, try, because you’ll fail. You’ll fail and everyone will think you’re a big fat fatty (because you are.)

NOMNOMNOMNOM THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

Jesus Of

h t e r e z Bla ote this Nic Kanaar wr

jesus of blazereth

This year, Easter Sunday lands conveniently on 4/20, a date that usually stands on its own as a holiday for stoners worldwide. This got The Black Sheep thinking; what if Jesus was the pot-smoking, sandal-wearing, Wakarusa attendee that he resembles in all of those pictures hanging in our grandmother’s living room? Our speculation turned into certainty, and now we present you with some of your favorite New Testament stories if Jesus of Nazareth was a tokin’ Messiah.

The Temptation of a Tripping Jesus After Jesus and John the Baptist frolicked in the water in a “no homo” kind of way, Jesus decided to head into the Judean Desert to fast for forty days and nights. Also to smoke some weed and take a bunch of peyote. Twenty minutes into his trip, Satan appeared to Jesus in the form of what would later be known as a “Venice Beach roller skater.” The devil, who was wearing a tank top and cut-off jean shorts, looked down at the hungry Jesus. “If you are the son of God, command these stones to become loaves of bread, or nah?” Satan said. “Nah.” the Son of God replied. The devil shrugged and danced while waving glow sticks in a figure eight pattern, as Jesus could have sworn all of his senses were heightened to a whole new level. Later on, one of the twelve disciples reported that Jesus never actually made it to the desert, but instead sat on the edge of a forest and held down a large stick in fear that “it will surely float away.” Jesus held the branch for forty minutes. The Rage-fest at Cana Jesus and his “bro-sciples” attended a wedding at Cana in Galilee with the sole purpose of getting drunk and putting out some vibes towards the bridesmaids. During the reception, Jesus worked on the holiest of buzzes when suddenly his frantic mother came to him: “They have no wine!” Mary said. Jesus averted his mother’s eyes and leaned back against a pillar. “Bitch, this don’t concern me yet,” Jesus said. After polishing off his glass of wine, plus the remaining drinks that the disciples were planning on consuming, Jesus decided to take action. Under the Messiah’s instructions, servants of the wedding gathered a bunch of jugs filled with water. Jesus walked over to

the jugs, kissed both of his biceps and winked at one of the bridesmaids. He then shot a middle finger towards the jugs of water, thusly turning the liquid into wine. “Boom…” Jesus whispered into the face of his annoying mother. Many scholars believe this was the first miracle of seven that Jesus performed to prove he was the Son of God, but in fact it was just merely the first one of that day. Later on during the wedding, he also converted some of the loaves of bread into tightly rolled joints, a violin into a boom box that strictly played dub-step, and he magically converted one of the palace columns into a skinny metal pole that the female servants could dance on. Jesus Gets the Munchies in Front of 5,000 People On their way to John the Baptist’s funeral, Jesus and the disciples cut the edge with five ounces of Bethsaida’s finest green. Soon a crowd of 5,000 people gathered from nearby towns and followed Jesus during the majority of his trek. It wasn’t long before Jesus started asking people for anything “fried or covered in chocolate.” “We have only five loaves here and two fish,” the disciples said. “Bring them here to me,” Jesus said. The disciples and the large crowd licked their lips in anticipation in hopes for a Jesus miracle. Instead, Jesus took the remaining food, sat on the ground, and ate it all in one sitting as every bystander watched. Sensing the tension surrounding him, Jesus told his disciples, “Big deal if their hungry, I fasted for forty days and nights once.” “No Jesus,” Matthew said, closing his eyes and rubbing the bridge of his nose, “no you didn’t.” Jesus Raises the Dead Lazarus from His Comfy-Ass Tomb During a chill afternoon, a messenger delivered bad news to Jesus about his friend Lazarus. The message came from Lazarus’ two sisters, Martha and Mary, and informed Jesus that Lazy L is ill. “Righteous,” Jesus said, but then it was explained to him that in this case “ill” meant that Lazarus was dying. Two days later Jesus decided to visit his sick friend. The disciples tried to warn Jesus about the dangers of returning to Judea, but all he heard were the words “Jews love to get stoned.” “Hell yeah, let’s get going,” Jesus said, “and grab one of those jugs of water so we can blast off along the way.” Jesus and his “Holy Thugs” arrived in Bethany shortly after and drunkenly made their way to Martha and Mary’s house. The two sisters were engulfed in grief when Jesus arrived, so he did what any Messiah would do; he turned a loaf of bread into a spliff the size of a baby’s forearm and lit it up. A few puff-puff-passes later, the room started to spin and the sisters kept on bitching about their dead brother. Jesus stood and demanded to be shown to Lazarus’ tomb. Upon arriving at a cave, a stone was removed that blocked the entrance and Jesus

yelled: “Lazarus, get the fuck out!” A confused Lazarus came stumbling out of the tomb and Jesus pushed past him mumbling something along the lines of “I’m cross-fading pretty hard right now.” Jesus slept in the tomb for the next twelve hours. The Hydro Supper For Passover, Jesus and his posse got together at a house in the city for some late night grub. To spice up the night, Jesus made a bong out of a bread bowl so he and the twelve disciples could “get lifted to a whole new spiritual level.” Before they ate, Jesus addressed the group and said “Truly, I say to you, one of you will betray me.” Everyone seated at the table subtly looked towards Judas who had supplied the weed but refused to smoke it because of an upcoming “drug test.” Before an inquiry or accusation could be proclaimed, Jesus jumped up from the table and exhaled a cloud of dank smoke. “Oh shit, are the cops outside?!” Jesus said. The twelve disciples calmed Jesus down and reassured him that neither the cops, nor his parents, were sitting outside in the driveway. The final supper came to an abrupt stop after Jesus claimed the bread to be his body and the wine to be of his blood and insisted everyone to “fucking eat him.” “Damn, Judas, what kind of haze did you bring?” Matthew said, as he tried to coach Jesus out from under the table. The Pass-Out and Resurrection of Jesus Christ A week later, in the city of Golgotha, the eleven remaining disciples looked up at Jesus as he hung limply on a cross. All twelve men shook their heads in disbelief as they reflected on the sad sight before them. Bartholomew was the first to speak. “My God, he’s passed out again,” he said. “I love him, but dis dude can NOT handle his weed,” Thomas said. The disciples lowered their passed-out messiah off of the cross and elected to find a cave for him to sleep in, noting their leader’s previous affinity towards napping in tombs. Three days later, Jesus awoke with massive cravings for potato chips dipped in a milkshake and tried to release himself from the tomb with no avail. Soon an angel descended from heaven, broke the stone blocking the tomb, and let Jesus out. The angel informed Jesus that his father was “getting ready to dish out the ass-whooping of a lifetime” and that he’d better say goodbye to his “hood-rat” friends. Jesus ascended to heaven forty days after his wicked blackout in Golgotha, leaving his teachings to his eleven trusted disciples. The group tried to spread the Son of God’s message, but was met with a lot of skepticism. Mainly due to their reputation as being burnt out potheads who traveled around the Middle East in a blurry haze.

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the madlib

my 4/20 adventure

For me and all my bros in ___1___, we have grand plans of making the most out of 4/20 landing on a Sunday. But like most groups of stoners, our plans were a little too ambitious. Starting right at the stroke (toke) of midnight, we were going to light up some ___2___ ___3___ our favorite bud, and listen to our jam, ___4___. Then we were going to rip some shots of Hennessy - because rap music - and party until the break of dawn, baby. Our buddy and drug dealer, who goes by ___5___, was going to come over with his vaporizer and we were going to fade away into the night. Naturally, the next morning, the plan was to wake up and, you guessed it, bake some ___6___. There’s usually some stoner movies on TV, like ___7___ or Super High Me, so we were gonna recuperate from the wild night, order some ___8___and chill, man. Then we were gonna hit up the local disc golf course in ___9___ and smoke our ceremonious joint at Hole

Four, which has to be the ___10___ ___11___ ___12___, which is super, super heady stuff. After the 18th hole, the plan was to head to ___13___, eat a bunch of ___14___, then mosey back to the crib and hit the vaporizer that ___15___ will naturally forget to take with him. But, you know, 4/20 in actuality was a lot more chill for us. For starters, ___16___ got arrested outside of ___17___and we couldn’t get any bud. We were all so depressed at midnight that we went to bed, and then slept in until ___18___. Luckily ___19___ finally got ahold of his ___20___TA and got us a gram of ___21___ ___22___, so taking one hit of that was enough to make me melt into the La-Z-Boy we found in the alley on ___23___. We were all feeling a little lazy to hit up disc golf, so we just stayed at home, played Mario Party and ordered ___24___. We all tried to take some mad resin hits, which actually proved semi-successful.

1) Your dorm freshman year 2) Color 3) Old president 4) Classic rap song 5) Exotic animal 6) Slang for marijuana 7) Recent romantic comedy 8) Local take-out 9) Town outside of your college town 10) Starbucks size 11) U.S. state 12) Dog breed 13) Local diner 14) Breakfast food 15) Person from 6 16) Person from 6 17) Local bar 18) Time between noon and 4 p.m. 19) Most responsible friend 20) School subject 21) Verb-ing 22) Planet 23) Holiday 24) Worst delivery pizza

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