T
The Volume 7 Cards Against Humanity
st Humanity Cards Again
Cards Against Humanity
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TUESDAY
WEDNESDAY
$1.50 Miller Family Bottles and 16oz Coors Light Cans $2.50 Beam, SoCo and Seagram 7 Drinks
JOIN THE IMPORT CLUB! Drink all 40 imports and get your name on the wall plus a free t-shirt! $2 Import and Micro Bottles, $2 Well & UV Flavors, $2 All Drafts
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THURSDAY
FRIDAY
SAT. & SUN.
$1 Wells and UV Flavors $1.50 Miller Family Bottles or 16oz Coors Light Cans $2.50 Red Bull Vodka
$1.50 Bud Family 20oz Drafts $2 16oz Micro Drafts $2.50 Fireball $4 Bud Family Pitchers
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PAGE 3
A FEW MORE WAYS
SEX EUPHEMISM OR SERIAL KILLER NICKNAME?
TO KILL SOME TIME.
BEAT OUR CAPTION! Tweet us a better caption and win a prize!
“Burning Man isn’t over, is it?”
THE ALASKAN FIREDRAGON
The above phrase is either a gross sex euphemism or a serial killer’s nickname. Which is it? Let us know by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize! Check back next week for this week’s answer!
WORD of the WEEK
CALLANDER A person who, when on the phone, always manages to think of one more thing to talk about. “…and one more thing,” Erin, a habitual callander, said, “did you hear about Karen last week?”
GUESS THE REALITY TV STAR! Whatever your dirty pleasure may be, don’t deny you watch reality TV. The image to the left is a silhouette of a reality TV star, and below are three clues as to who the person is. Let us know who you think it is by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!
1
Played quarterback for Louisiana Tech.
2
Made comments to GQ that many perceived as homophobic.
3
Has a memoir titled, Happy, Happy, Happy.
# # #
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Tweet us your #partypics, or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
ON THE STREETS What do you wish you told yourself on the first day of the semester?
EMILY, SOPHOMORE “To be open to meeting different kinds of people.”
KAYLA, FRESHMAN “You’re not gonna get straight A’s.”
RACHEL, SOPHOMORE “To give myself a limit on the amount of Netflix I’m allowed to watch per week.”
06
‘TIS THE SEASON
THE TOP TEN
Presents ISU Needs Collectively, Illinois State has been good this year. Let’s see what Santa or uh…Hanukkah Santa can bring us this year to show us that it’s paid off. 10.) A Bigger Quad: We only get four and a half nice days a year. During these, the Quad is filled with ukulele-playing hipsters and frat dudes bro-ing it up with Frisbees and footballs. With a bigger quad, it would be so much easier to enjoy the nice weather and avoid any contact with the annoying people who overtake the Quad. 9.) Newer Halls: We get that ISU was built in 1857, but does it have to look like it, too? ISU is quickly becoming a more popular university, so why don’t we have the buildings to prove it? Freshmen enrollment was at an all-time high this semester, but if more buildings looked like the State Farm Hall of Business, it would be even higher. 8.) A Starbucks: A campus full of perfect stereotypes of white girls and we still have no adequate source of caffeine. Einstein Bros is doing the best it can, but eventually students will get tired of paying low prices for their coffee and start missing the entitlement that comes with every Starbucks latte. 7.) More Dorms: As fun as it is to pass out drunk in the Watterson lounges, no one should have to actually live there… not even poor, ignorant freshmen. 6.) Better Wi-Fi: Fuck you, resnet. You too, isunet! Why does it seem like every time homework needs to be submitted to Reggienet or our roommate leaves just long enough to masturbate, the Wi-Fi decides to crap out? Twenty grand a year should buy at least half-decent internet.
‘TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE
A REDBIRD CHRISTMAS
5.) A New Al Bowman—or Just the Old One Back: Larry, don’t get us wrong. We love you. Compared to fist-flying Flanagan, you’re an angel. But if we’re going to be completely honest, we miss Al. We miss his smile, and his wit, but mostly his hot bod. In short, baby come back…
Jennifer Green wrote this
‘Twas the week before Christmas and across Illinois State Not a student was studying, they weren’t doing so great. Netflix shows were queued up on the TV with delay In hopes that final grades would still turn out okay. Students were nestled all snug in their Snuggies With urges to drop out and just become druggies. And girls in their leggings and boys in their sweats Settled in to drink for the rest of the night without any regrets. When out of Hancock Stadium arose such a squawking Everyone was sure the police would come knocking. Away to the stadium hundreds of students hurried Peering from behind bushes outside while it flurried. They couldn’t believe their eyes, when all of a sudden Reggie appeared, dressed as Santa to the button.
He soared off into the night with a sack full of goodies And students hoped it wasn’t filled with Young America hoodies. Everyone ran back to their apartments only to find Reggie’s deliveries were all so well-timed. Returning to bottles of liquor and beer The students were filled with alcohol and cheer. He didn’t forget about the freshmen in the dorms And traveled from Tri to Watterson in the midst of a storm.
And bought them all a few rounds, to help them forget their tests. Over cheeseballs, cheap burgers, and fries Reggie talked and laughed with all the girls and guys. After that night, all of Illinois State loved Reggie even more And they showered him with gifts and praises galore. But he only asked for one thing in return Simply for students to study and learn.
4.) Another Dining Center: Have you been to Watterson Dining Center around lunchtime recently? It is mayhem. That scene from Mean Girls when everyone is acting like animals in the lunchroom has become all-too-real for ISU students. Now that Southside is being torn down (God love and keep ‘em) all hope is lost unless we build another place to gorge ourselves.
They heard his request and banded together To study for their finals despite the bad weather.
3.) 19 and Up Bar: Not that Pub II isn’t already packed as it is, but what is the point of college if not to go out at every possible opportunity? Let’s be honest, apartment parties get a little stale after freshman year and you need another location to make an ass of yourself.
Reggie put a home-cooked meal in every room In an effort to get rid of some homesick gloom.
Milner was packed from dusk ‘til dawn With students studying their asses off all night long.
He even made it to Pub II, where students were drinking away their stress.
In the end, everyone passed their finals; nobody tanked And for everything, they had only Reggie to thank.
2.) A Better Game Day Experience: What if every game day weekend at ILSTU was like Homecoming? Think of the drunken stories you wouldn’t remember! We have the school pride; we have a new, fancy stadium, and we definitely have the alcohol tolerance. Let’s make this one happen, guys. 1.) More Passion: ISU has the potential to be the best university around. If we all made a conscious effort to be better and give a shit about our school, our grades, and our overall college experience, we would kick so much ass no one would even know what to do with us. One school to rule them all… Veronica Silverado wrote this
PAGE 6 • HEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
FUN & GAMES
the HOW MY PROFESSOR SCREWED ME madlib Dear Mom and Dad, It’s been a rough semester. It’s been as long and hard as my __(1)__. I’m writing this e-mail in the hope that you might not be disappointed with my grades. I swear when I get home I’ll wash the __(2)__ and I’ll do it with a smile on my __(3)__. Anyway, it’s not even my fault my __(4)__ professor, Dr. Newburg, decided to have __(5)__ different pop-quizzes all on the same day on material we didn’t even cover. I swear it had nothing to do with the fact that I was supposed to be in Schroeder, but I was still __(6)__ and I went to __(7)__ instead. Regardless, Newburg is totally going to fail me and it’s not my fault, everyone who isn’t __(8)__ him is getting an F. Speaking of which, this is hard to say, but I’m in love with __(9)__. And they can afford top-shelf booze and __(10)__! Isn’t it time I was given the finer things in life like __(11)__ and a __(12)__ covered in fur? All I eat now is DP Dough and __(13)__. OH! I’m sorry I’m not classy like you two, getting married after I was conceived in a __(14)__. Save the judgment for poor people, I’m __(15)__ someone with tenure. __(9)__ told me about a secret teacher’s society (where apparently you have to kill and eat a __(16)__ to get in), and that all I have to do is play __(17)__ball, some sort of __(18)__ game, with one of the other professors and they’d give me A’s across the board. I know that’s what you’d want me to do, you’ve never cared how much of a __(19)__ I was! But I won’t do it. __(9)__ and I have something __(20)__. It’s like you always say __(21)__ the things you love and cover all the things you hate in hot, sticky __(22)__. Anyway, I guess I’ll never see you again, I’m not coming home anymore. See you later, __(23)__. Lots of Love, Your favorite Redbird
CLUE BANK 1. Something hard 2. Something dirty at home, not your mom 3. Body part 4. Subject you’re bad at 5. Number of squirrels on campus 6. Synonym for inebriated 7. Your favorite building on campus 8. Sexual act ending in –ing 9. The sexiest professor on campus 10. Your drug of choice 11. Something expensive (plural) 12. Something gigantic and expensive 13. Cheap food of choice 14. Awkward place to have sex 15. Different sexual act (present tense) 16. A cute, fluffy animal 17. 4 letter word for something sexy or gross 18. Slang term for sex 19. Synonym for prostitute 20. Wondrous adjective 21. A verb that sounds fun 22. Something sticky 23. Word that rhymes with “later” Scoop Chang wrote this
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THE BAR GRID SPECIAL NIGHT
TUESDAYS: JOIN THE IMPORT CLUB! Drink all 40 imports and get your name and a quote on the wall plus a free t-shirt!
TUESDAY: Dollar Night! $1 12oz UV Flavors $3 U Call Its Kyle Yapp
Get Ready for New Year’s Eve at Fat Jack’s!
1st and 3rd Tuesday of the month is Comedy Open Mic at 8pm!
THURSDAY
$1 Wells and UV Flavors $1.50 Miller Family Bottles or 16oz Coors Light Cans $2.50 Red Bull Vodka
$1.50 Double Wells $2 Bombs, Bud, Bud Light, Select, Long Islands, Live DJ
$3 Domestic Bottles $3 Well Drinks $3 Draft Pints
$3 Pitchers of Miller High Life, $2 Bottles of PBR $2 Vodka Well Drinks
FRIDAY
$1.50 Bud Family 20oz Drafts $2 16oz Micro Drafts $2.50 Fireball $4 Bud Family Pitchers
Happy Hour! $3 Double Wells, Bombs, Domestics, $4 Long Islands, POWER SHOTS, $0.25 Wings, Live DJ
$3 Fat Jack Cocktails, All Flavored Vodkas, Jim Beam & Heineken bottles
$2.75 20oz Miller Lite Draft
SATURDAY
$1.50 Miller Family Bottles or 16oz Coors Light Cans $2 Wells and UV Flavors $2.25 Bud Family 20oz Drafts $3 Vegas Bombs
Happy Hour! $3 Double Wells, Bombs, Domestics, $4 Long Islands, Jack Daniels POWER SHOTS, 1/2 off Appetizers Live DJ
$3 Hurricane & Tsunami Drinks, Bud Select & Bud Light Lime Bottles
Karaoke at 10pm! $3.50 15oz, $4 20oz Import or Craft Draft Beer
SUNDAY
$1.50 Miller Family Bottles or 16oz Coors Light Cans $2 Wells and UV Flavors $2.25 Bud Family 20oz Drafts $3 Vegas Bombs
$2 Domestic Bottles and Drafts, $3 U Calls Its 1/2 Priced Thin Crust Pizza
All $3 Daily Specials!
Closed
MONDAY
$1.50 Miller Family Bottles and 16oz Coors Light Cans $2.50 Beam, SoCo and Seagram 7 Drinks
$2 Drafts & Bottles, $2 Double Wells, 1/2 Priced Wine $0.25 Wings Trivia Night!
Rumday! $3 Captain Morgan, Malibu, Import & Craft Bottles
$1.75 Miller Lite Pints
TUESDAY
JOIN THE IMPORT CLUB! Drink all 40 imports and get your name on the wall plus a free t-shirt! $2 Import and Micro Bottles, $2 Well & UV Flavors, $2 All Drafts
Dollar Night! $1 12oz UV Flavors, $3 U Call Its Kyle Yapp
$3 Draft Pints & American Harvest Vodka
$2.75 20 oz. Miller Lite Draft 1st and 3rd Tuesday of the month is Comedy Open Mic at 8pm!
WEDNESDAY
All Rum Wednesdays! $1 Domestic Bottles $2.50 Fireball $2.50 All Rums
Wasted Wednesday! $1 Bombs, $2 Long Islands, $3 Pitchers (Domestics), $6 Fishbowls, 1/2 Priced L-Thin pizza
$3 Well Drinks $3 Half-Pints on Draft $3 Bombs
Karaoke at 9pm! $2 Well Drinks and Miller Lite Pints
THE BAR GRID Sunday Bloody Sunday ALL of our Daily Specials available! $4 16oz Ultimate Bloody Marys featuring Ketel One Vodka
SATURDAY: $2.75 Coronas $6 32oz Rum and Coke & Vodka Lemonade
FRIDAY: $2 22oz Keeper Cup, $2.75 Corona, $3 Liquor Specials $4 Jameson
Sunday & Wednesday Bucket Day! $9 Domestic Buckets (5 Bottles) $8 Margarita Pitchers Every Day!
SPECIAL NIGHT
Tapper Thursday $3.75 All 20oz Draught Pints
$2 Miller Family Bottles $2 Well Drinks and Well Shots $6 32oz Vodka Red Bulls $4 Bud Light Pitchers $3.50 12oz Bacardi Family Drinks
$2 Domestic Longnecks, $3 Captain and/or Bacardi
$2.50 19oz Bud Light and Miller Lite Drafts $8 Margarita Pitchers
THURSDAY
Failte Friday Try our special Long Ireland Iced Tea for $4!
$2 Redds $3 Fireball Shots $6 32oz Long Islands
$2 22oz Keeper Cup, $2.75 Corona, $3 Liquor Specials $4 Jameson
$2.50 Import Bottles and Malt Beverages $8 Margarita Pitchers Every Day!
FRIDAY
Slainte Saturday: $3 Any Flavor of Three Olives Premium Vodka
$2.75 Coronas $6 32oz Rum and Coke & Vodka Lemonade $3.50 12oz Bacardi Family Drinks
$3.50 24oz cup $3.50 Liquor Special
$2.50 Well Drinks $8 Margarita Pitchers
SATURDAY SUNDAY
Sunday Bloody Sunday ALL of our Daily Specials available! $4 16oz Ultimate Bloody Marys featuring Ketel One Vodka
Closed
$4 Absolute Bloody Marys
Bucket Day! $9 Domestic Buckets (5 Bottles) $8 Margarita Pitchers Every Day!
Mad Monday! $3 All Import Bottles and Microbrew Bottles
$9 Domestic Buckets (5 Bottles)
$4 Domestic Pitchers $3 Fireball Shots
$3 Smirnoff Vodka Drinks (Any Flavor) $8 Margarita Pitchers
MONDAY
Well To Do Tuesday $3 All WELL Vodka, Gin, Rum, Tequila, American Whiskey and Liquors
$2 You-Call-Its
$2 Domestic Longnecks $3 Imports, Micros, & Rail Calls
$3 Captain Morgan $8 Margarita Pitchers Every Day!
TUESDAY
$7 Premium Pitchers
$4 Bud Family Pitchers, Vodka Red Bull, & All Bombs
Bucket Day! $9 Domestic Buckets (5 Bottles) $8 Margarita Pitchers
WEDNESDAY
Whiskey Wednesday $3 All CALL American, Irish, Scotch and Canadian Whiskey
FUN & GAMES
the HOW WILL YOU DRAMATICALLY AVOID FINALS? quiz 1. It’s the week before finals. Where would someone find you? a. Club Milner. I’m responsible! b. In Watterson, on the couch, on Facebook. And Twitter. And Tumblr. c. Binge drinking the sadness away. 2. Your mom sends you a care package. What can you only hope is in it? a. Beer. Just beer. b. A book, a movie, a magazine—anything to get my mind off school! c. Can I just send her a load of dirty laundry instead? 3. How are your grades lookin’ this semester? a. Surprisingly good! Reggie would be proud. b. The important thing is that I have my health. c. C’s get degrees! 4. What are your plans for Christmas break? a. You’ll find me in front of the TV, Snuggie and all. b. Drinking with my high school buds, duh! c. Spending time with my family and enjoying the holiday.
5. What is the first thing you’ll do when you get back from your last final? a. Watch a movie. Or a TV show. Probably an entire season. b. Head home. I miss my dog. And my parents, I guess. c. Take a shot. Or seven. 6. How are you spending the weekend before finals? a. I won’t be leaving Pub II. b. Studying, unfortunately. c. Staying in and avoiding my responsibilities. 7. How do you normally describe yourself to other people? a. Kind and super-fun. b. I’m kind of a smarty-pants. c. A blast in a glass. 8. What is your go-to drink when you’re out? a. Burnett’s; I’m poor. b. Beer, usually. c. A Long Island, please!
8-13 POINTS: YOU WILL IMPLODE AND BECOME A BLACK HOLE OF COUNTER–PRODUCTIVITY:
You tell yourself you’re going to stay in and get some work done. You deny friends your presence and force yourself to suffer, until it’s actually time to study. By the end of your night, your room is clean, the dishes are done, and there is nothing left to distract you and you cave under the pressure of your own procrastination.
14-19 POINTS: YOU WILL GET SUCKED INTO YOUR TELEVISION:
At the end of the week you’ve spent so much time in front of the TV that you actually get sucked into your television set. Now you’re a permanent part of the virtual world with no way out, but on the bright side you won’t have to take finals.
20-24 POINTS: YOU WILL STAY INEBRIATED THE ENTIRE WEEK OF FINALS:
There is nothing a good beer or seven can’t solve, including the finals week blues. They always say study high, take the test high, get high scores. Maybe the same applies for alcohol, too?
ANSWER KEY:
1. A-1 B-2 C-3 2. A-3 B-2 C-1
3. A-1 B-3 C-2 4. A-2 B-3 C-1
5. A-2 B-1 C-3 6. A-3 B-1 C-2
7. A-2 B-1 C-3 8. A-3 B-1 C-2
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ARE YOU SMARTER THAN? 0 E t of 1 R SCO 7 ou
1) December Dates: What award, named after the eponymous man’s death, is given yearly on his birthday, December 10th? 2) Hanukkah: How many days is Hanukkah celebrated? 3) Christmas Carols: What famous carol contains the lines, “Not only green when summer’s here/ But also when it’s cold and drear”?
6) Candy: Peppermint is a hybrid mint, a cross between watermint and what other kind of mint? 7) 2015: What 80s classic has a trio arriving to October 21st, 2015? 8) The Bible: According to the Bible, in what city was Jesus born?
4) Fad Gifts: Christmas 2004 saw Billy, who sang, “Don’t Worry, Be Happy.” What was Billy?
9) Festivus: The Festivus Feats of Strength ends when this happens to the head of the household.
5) Holiday Movies: This 2003 holiday Christmas hit originally had Jim Carrey attached to play the lead role.
10) New Year’s Eve: What city hosts an annual “Peach Drop” on New Year’s Eve?
Dr. Hatmaker’s Answers
Correct Answers
1) The Nobel! 2) Eight 3) Uh, no idea. 4) A Furby. 5) Elf 6) Spearmint 7) Back in Time 8) Bethlehem 9) When you pin him. 10) Atlanta
1) Nobel Prize 2) Eight 3) “O Christmas Tree” 4) Bass, or Big Mouth Bass 5) Elf 6) Spearmint 7) Back to the Future II 8) Bethlehem 9) He or she is pinned 10) Atlanta
DR. ELIZABETH HATMAKER, ENGLISH PROFESSOR
THE DRINKING GAME
RECIPE FOR DISASTER
WINTER WARMTH
EXTRA DEEP DISH PIZZA
So, you think you’re getting roped into a nice, tipsy drunk tonight, the kind that has you feelin’ real good inside? Very wrong. You’re going to need a lot of alcohol to numb your body from this frigid weather. Trust us, alcohol is the coziest blanket to keep you warm in this polar plunge, and we know you’ll be thanking us later.
Nothing warms the heart in this weather more than a deep dish pizza. This might not be restaurant quality, but hey, let’s just pretend you had enough foresight to call the ole pie shop before you got high.
What You’ll Need: A handle of cheap vodka and a campus full of people who give you reasons to drink. Level of Intoxication: Enough to make you think it’s appropriate to walk outside in just a shirt and pants and feel fine. How to Play: Post up at your window and take a pull from the handle when: - You see a basic white bitch wearing UGGs. Take two if it’s a dude. - You see somebody wipeout on ice or snow. Didn’t teach “walking” where yer from, huh? - You see a person wearing so much clothing you can’t see their skin. - You think you should have a snow day, but the administration snows on your parade and announces class is still on. - You see that one dude who thinks he’s too cool for the Mother Nature and wears shorts and a t-shirt outside. - There’s an attempt at a snowman, igloo, or a snow penis. Whatever works for you, man. - You see a foreigner (west coast student) questioning what snow really is.
What You’ll Need: A frozen pizza (hell no, we aren’t making jack shit from scratch), a 5 lb. bag of cheese of your choice, and whatever other toppings your heart desires. Fatty Factor: Enough to clog your arteries. Let’s Get Baked: -Preheat the oven to 425 degrees. - Unwrap the frozen pizza and drop handfuls of cheese all over it. - If you have any extra toppings, start layering them between cheese like you would taco dip. - If there’s anything still left in the bag of cheese, empty it onto the pizza. Don’t you remember it’s supposed to be extra deep? - Throw that work of art in the oven. Doesn’t matter if it’s not done preheating, just eyeball it. You’re smart; you go to college to learn good. - Anxiously wait for the best thing that you could ever stuff in your mouth. Probably 22 minutes or somethin’. - When it’s done, GET EXCITED, but don’t forget to grab oven mitts. If you don’t have any, winter gloves are a good substitute.
The Game Ends When: You can’t feel the icicles hanging off your body when you streak around campus. You’ve seen The Shining, right?
We all know you won’t be able to wait until it cools to try it so take a bite, inevitably scorching the top of your mouth, but don’t say we didn’t warn ya’. If you’re lactose intolerant, just locate the nearest bathroom.
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A BLACK SHEEP GUIDE
What’s the best way for you to
procrastinate for finals week?
A BLACK SHEEP GUIDE
The BluzzSheed 5 pieces of coal that don’t give a damn about gender roles
If your New Year’s resolutions were inspirational posters
1) “I like playing Barbies and football.”
“No more one night stands, unless he’s an 8.”
2) “Make yourself a goddamn sandwich.”
3) “Just because my ass looks good does not mean you can catcall me.”
“Starting tomorrow, every time my mom calls me fat she gets one less grandkid.” “I’m finally going to tell my boss to take a stick and shove it up his ass.”
4) “I don’t need to be a woman to enjoy the feel of satin panties on my ass.” 5) “This is a unisex miniskirt.”
“If we’re both still single this time next year let’s just have sex with each other.”
“I’m cutting down on drinking until I can get sloppy off three shots again.”
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the SITTING ON SANTA’S LAP madlib Hey there, ya big, tubby bowl of __(1)__, how ya doing? If you are who you say you are, you know I haven’t come by the mall to talk to you since I was __(2)__, but it’s been a rough year, and I really need you to knock Christmas out of the park this year. Let me start by saying, is that a __(3)__in your pocket, or you just happy to see me? Seems so __(4)__ I could hang an ornament off it, am I right, you big, virile badass? This year I’m going to want a __(5)__, but not one of the cheap ones, one with plenty of __(6)__and __(7)__and everything. I actually have one on my Amazon Wish List, so just log in and check it out. I’m also going to want a __(8)__, a bottle of __(9)__and a lifetime supply of __(10)__. Hey fat man, don’t give me that look, that elf over there told me this is a __(11)__-free zone. It’s not just that I want a lot of good stuff, I think my family deserves what’s comin’ to them, too. Get my mom a __(12)__ for that time she didn’t get me a __(13)__for Christmas in 2003. Get my sister a __(14)__to remind her of the time she told my mom about __(15)__ in the basement when I was in high school. Karma’s a bitch, aye __(16)__? Finally, get my stepdad Todd a nice big pile of __(17)__. Just ‘cause you get to stuff it in my mom doesn’t mean you get to enjoy the holiday spirit, not with me around. Sorry you jolly bastard, there’s a flock of moms giving me the side-eye over there, so I’ll hop off to let a little __(18)__ hop on and __(19)__on your outfit. Sure you’ll love that. Also, Santa, remember, you better get me everything, I know where you live, and I will __(20)__you.
UofI COME FOR TO NYE !
Year’s DOORS OPEN AT 7pm DJ DELICATO SPINNING ALL NIGHT EARLY BIRD TICKETS STARTING AT $10, GOING UP TO $30 AS WE SELL OUT
TICKET INCLUDES PARTY FAVORS, APPS, FREE SODA, COAT CHECK, CHAMPAGNE TOAST (21+) & MORE!
FOR MORE INFO: BIT.LY/KAMS2014 SCAN THE CODE
KAM’S
FOLLOW US ON TWITTER! @KAMSILLINI 618 E. Daniel St., Champaign • 217.337.3300 • kamsillini.com
CLUE BANK 1. Kind euphemism for fat 2. Age you last visited a mall Santa 3. Christmas item 4. Adjective 5. Expensive present 6. Feature on #5 7. Feature found on #5 8. Cheap present 9. Something that comes in a bottle 10. Noun 11. Noun 12. Bad gift 13. Hot 2003 Christmas items 14. Karmic gift 15. Illicit high school activity 16. Sister name 17. Something gross 18. Small child synonym 19. Expulsion of bodily fluid 20. Verb
THE FINAL QUIZ
WHAT DID YOU GIVE WEE BABY JESUS FOR CHRISTMAS? 1) To you, organized religion is… a) The Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End. b) Religion, man, is all around us, man. There is no God. We are god. c) An anachronism of a time past meant to instill fear in those a patriarchal establishment direly wanted to oppress. 2) So, is Christmas a pretty big deal to you? a) Well, if you think exploiting sweatshop labor in third-world countries is a reason for a bunch of spoiled white people to celebrate, sure. b) AS LONG AS YOU’RE KEEPIN’ THE CHRIST IN THERE, SINNER. c) Leafy green season is dank as shit, bro. 3) Then, on Christmas Eve we can find you… a) Chillin’ with the Chet-meister waiting for the rest of the brodeo to show up so the foosball tournament can begin. b) In somber reflection of what a poor carpenter has done for all of us. c) Cackling wryly at Christians lamenting the co-opting of a religious holiday by big business, when they first took over a Pagan holiday to spread their message.
4) When Great Aunt Millie gives you a novelty sombrero for a gift because she’s on a fixed income and it’s all she can afford, you… a) Are reminded just how screwed up the system is. Will there even be Social Security when you retire? b) Text your buddy Lak-Lak about putting together a sombrer-hos party as soon as you’re back at school. c) Smile politely, setting it aside as you consider the nearest clothing donation center to your house. 5) If Jesus were to return to Earth today, he’d probably… a) Lament the state of religion in modern society. b) Be awful freakin’ hungry, bro. c) Be one’a them anti-vaxxers.
6) When you realize that Jesus’ dad wasn’t around much as a child, it makes you think… a) Man, I talk to invisible voices in my head all the time, and I’m doing just fine. b) It doesn’t matter, plenty of studies show that non-biological fathers, if around at a young enough age, are a plenty good surrogate for real dads. c) You’re wrong, his dad is everywhere always. He’s here right now. 7) Discrepancies in the Bible tell you… a) That mistakes happen, dude. Last week me and the guys argued for three hours whether Dylan’s still a virgin if he had buttsex. b) That God tests our faith. It’s not the exact words, but the messages they deliver. c) It’s as legitimate a piece of text as Go, Dog Go. 8) When you first saw this quiz, you thought… a) One of those gifts is going to be a weed reference. This is amateur hour. b) I hope I’m whatever the weed reference is! c) Someone start this paper on fire, these people are sinners.
ANSWERS 8-13: Gold: Because earthly treasures matter not to you, you decided to bring the wee baby Jesus some gold. It feels a little bit like you’re trying to buy your way into Heaven, but if it’s in the Bible, then it must be ok. 14-19: Frankincense: You would’a brought the little guy some rolling papers too, but the 7-Eleven in Bethlehem just sold out of them. Still, that guy with his mom is a carpenter, so he’ll be able to fashion a pipe outta something. 20-24: Myrrh: No one really knows what this stuff is, but it doesn’t matter—you’ll save the good presents for fictional characters you actually care about.
answer key 1) A-1 B-2 C-3 2) A-3 B-1 C-2 3) A-2 B-1 C-3 4) A-3 B-2 C-1
5) A-1 B-2 C-3 6) A-2 B-3 C-1 7) A-2 B-1 C-3 8) A-3 B-2 C-1
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