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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 3, Issue 6 11/1/12 - 11/14/12
Students weigh in on the Election
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheep_isu
Isaac Dreidelschleitze wrote this
In this wild and often confusing year of 2012, we as college students are often faced with tough decisions, like: “Should I pay her, or will she think that’s sexist?”, “Is it safe to eat this much guacamole?”, “If I join anime club, will I be a virgin forever?” But one question that is seldom asked of the typical college student at Illinois State University is, “What do you think of the candidates running for the president of the United States?” Well, this… is that. The first person interviewed was a LARPer named Chet. We asked him his opinions about the president and Governor Romney. Chet: Ummmm… how do I put it… I can probably explain better in Dungeons & Dragons terms. See, I’m a level 37 mage, and I feel like if I was playing with Obama, he wouldn’t be able to keep up with my spells or potions. He’d be too concerned with helping the peasants and making sure everybody has full health. How does he think that will work? There’s not enough health points in the world! On the other hand, Romney would be too concerned with mining for gold in the dungeons to deal with my spells, so I would be left playing alone as he helped out his dragon buddies. It’s a wash, I guess. Our next interview was with a Burger King employee named Kayla. We asked her what she thought about the candidates. Kayla: To be honest, I can see good points from both candidates. On one side, re-electing Obama is like ordering a Double Whopper. You’ll feel great ordering it, because you’re hungry and excited to get something that looks/tastes good inside your body. But once you get toward the end, you start hating yourself. It reminds me of the time my friends and I had a Baconator-eating marathon. After two terms, you just feel like throwing up. Romney is more like a thick stalk of celery. It might look kind of fake and boring, but in reality, if you choke down the awful taste, it’s pretty good for you! After I ate all those BK Stackers, I had celery for the next week and a half to balance it out. I ended up having the best bowel system in the house! I checked! So I think I’ll go with Romney, because…I like celery. The Black Sheep: Uh, okay! Sure!
Five Ways Fashion Determines the Election
For an artistic look at the election, we interviewed Cheryl, the lead in Illinois State University’s new production, The Vagina in All of Us. We found her at the Airport Lounge studying a bagel for possible acting tips. TBS: Mind if we ask you a few questions about the 2012 Election? Cheryl: I don’t mind at all! I’m having some trouble deciding who I want to vote for, because neither of them have that spark! You know? Like Nathan Lane in The Birdcage. Why can’t the two candidates come out all excited and smiling and just sing and dance their way around explaining the topics? It would make things so much more accessible! I mean, nobody wants to hear about foreign policy…but imagine a debate where both candidates dress like Japanese housewives in gowns and sing their ideas to the tune of selected songs from The Mikado! It would be fantastically entertaining. In any case…I think I like Obama, but I wish he could lindyhop. After all, my president is supposed to represent me! Frustrated with our answers, we decided to branch out to the College of Business on the other side of the quad. Surely a man of business would know his facts about the election and what it could mean for the economy. William “Tank” Schaffer was more than happy to yell at us about his opinions, all the while flexing his muscles. TBS: Billy, what do you think about the two candidates running for the election in 2012? William: Ya see here, I don’t really have an opinion. We all know what happens in these elections. The guy with the best policies or best ideals never wins! It’s just a popularity contest! I mean, it should be more like my frat. The guys that can shotgun 4 beers in a minute are the most respected, and they are usually the leaders as we just learn from them. If Obama or Romney want to shotgun a beer with me, I’ll vote for them. And another thing, I saw you hanging out with my girl last night, Isaac. That needs to stop. If I see you with her again I’m gonna— TBS: Hey, thanks! Isaac was feeling like he still wasn’t getting the answers he was looking for, so he went to the only person everyone trusts
what’s inside
Easing the Transition from Ghostly Spirit to Holy Spirit
on the ISU quad: the religious guy that stands on a rock and yells at people. TBS: Mr.… Mr. Crazy Man? Crazy Man: Huh? What is it, kid? I need every second I have mine the sin out of your disgusting, sinful, beautiful little bodies… TBS: I’m just doing some research on the 2012 election. Do you think you could tell me who you’re voting for this November, sir? Crazy Man: Sure! In my mind it’s most important that a president express his right to violently yell his opinion at people in a public venue such as this one. (He then began to scratch himself.) So this year I’m writing in a candidate…ME! I’m the one that will win the election because I know I am the best fit for the job! Would you like to hear the words of Jesus Christ today? TBS: …Haha… No thanks! The Black Sheep has come to a conclusion that there is a reason no one asks college students about political matters. They don’t know anything! If you really want to hear about politics, you should read all about it from the fine folks at The Vidette! Their fine paper provides an unbiased representation of the student body’s feelings towards the election, and is wellwritten as well as smart and poignant! Huzzah for The Vidette! Now get out there and vote! Make your grandpa proud!
The Black Sheep Archives: Elections Through Time
Making sure the leaders of America are ah-mah-zing.
From spooky ghosts to holy ghosts.
Where we're going, we don't need a strong electoral process!
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Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
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page 4: The Top 10 Songs to Listen to While Doin' It it's time to throw slow jamz 2009 out!
page 5: A Convenient Truth Hey, we're not screwed yet.
page 6: from the streets
Table of
What's your favorite thing about autumn?Â
page 11: bartender of the week Geno K. at Brewe Ha's knows how to off a bear.
page 13: the black sheep interviews We interview The King of Swing, but if you're expecting an old jazz musician, you're about to get the opposite.
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word of the week Liecense:
Any form of fake identification used illicitly. “Kyle‘s liecense came in handy when the keg ran dry. When he came back with a few cases of Keystone Light he was the life of the party.”
The Top 10
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Songs to Listen to While Doin’ It Remember that last time you had sex and everything was silent and it totally killed the mood? Bet you wish you had that sweet Slow Jamz 2009 mix CD your virgin-self made. We’ve been there too. To help both of us out, we threw together this list of the 10 best songs to bang to. 10.) Let’s Talk About Sex – Salt N’ Pepa: “Let’s talk about sex, baby. / Let’s talk about you and me. / Let’s talk about all the good things, and the bad things, that may be.” This one is great for setting the mood beforehand. It’s totally forward and plants the sexy seed. Throw some finger pointing in there along with the lyrics and… woah, where’d your pants go? 9.) I’ll Make Love to You – Boyz II Men: “I’ll make love to you, / Like you want me to. / And I’ll hold you tight, / Baby all through the night.” Hopefully you have rhythm, because the key to listening to this song during a good ol’ slow jam pork n’ pet is being able to grind to the beat. Start out slow. You don’t just hump right in, you work up to it. This song is perfect for that.
Five Ways Fashion Determines the Election mitch vaginapun wrote this With all this talk of “leading the free world,” lately, we’ve realized that there’s a lot more going on with politics than just dead baby laws and making weed legal. If the major news agencies are any indication, fashion is the most important thing to follow when trying to decide which candidate to vote for. So, here are five quick tips to help you make an informed decision. What color tie is the candidate wearing? Sure, they wear ties so illiterate deaf people can still tell who to vote for, but more importantly, a tie is a quick way of checking fashion sense. A red tie obviously looks better with a black suit than a blue one, but what about with khakis for a town hall? Whichever candidate pulls of the tie better clearly knows how to pay attention to details, and not let small things like trillions of dollars slip by unnoticed. How nice does the first lady’s butt look? The president’s wife’s ass, also known as the first fanny, is something you’re going to see a lot of for the next 4 years…so choose wisely. Every time she hugs her hubby after a big speech or they’re spotted walking out of the hottest heroin alley in D.C., you’re going to catch a glimpse of that sweet thang. Picking the president whose lady best knows how to dress herself is a bold decision, but it certainly one that will pay off. Speaking of asses, how does the V.P. look in a swimsuit? I don’t know how likely it is that you’ll actually see the vice president in a swimsuit, but now that we’ve brought it up, it’s definitely an image that will weasel its way into your mind at the most inopportune moments. Do you want to see a scrawny man in oversized trunks or a sweaty guy in a speedo when you’re going at it with that hottie? Well, it doesn’t matter much anymore, because you’re inevitably
going to visualize them both. Probably kissing. And rubbing sunscreen onto each other in all the right places. Now, to get vice presidential dong off your mind… Look at the candidate’s flag pin. Is he wearing one? Good, because if he’s not, he legally cannot be running for president and is probably a terro-communist. Now look at the size of that flag pin. Is it bigger than the other guy’s? Good. But is it too big? Look at it, it’s taking up half of his shirt. You don’t want your country run by a man who has something eating away at him, constantly demanding that he prove himself to the world and his ex-girlfriends, but you don’t want it run by a talking dick monster either. It really all boils down to... Boner concealment. That’s right, how well does he hide his dick disasters? There’s no way both of those dudes have NEVER gotten hard standing in front of crowds yelling at each other. We're at half-mast every time I yell at the pizza guy for being late, so these guys have got to be boiling over. Next time they’re on T.V., just stare at their junk. Get really close to the screen, analyzing just how much of their wang you’re seeing. You don’t want a man running this country who lays all of his tools out for everyone to see, but you don’t want him to hide everything he has at his disposal easy. The man with the best boner balance is clearly the best choice, so look hard at who’s hard and stick him right into that tight ballet box. Sure the MEDIA wants you to pay attention to key issues, but think about how much you judge friends, classmates, and potential sex partners on these issues. Don’t you want the leader of the free world to be just like your friends, classmates, or potential sex partners?
8.) Booty Man – Tim Wilson: “Look at the booty, show me the booty / Give me the booty, I want the booty / Back up the booty, I need the booty / I like the booty, oh what a booty.” The lyrics to this song make this addition to the list pretty self explanatory. It’ll pick up the pace in the line-up a little bit, which is totally necessary after the last slow song. Just don’t go too fast boys, you don’t want to B your L this early in the playlist. 7.) Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo – Bloodhound Gang: “Cattle prod the oyster ditch with the lap rocket.” A song made up entirely of sexual innuendos. You either get insanely turned on listening to this song, or you’re wrong. That’s it. No other options. Above all else though, keep your eyes and ears on the prize. 6.) Bump N’ Grind – R. Kelly: “I don’t see nothin’ wrong, with a little bump n’ grind.” Neither do I, R. Kelly. Neither do I. This song throws away whatever shame or guilt you might associate with sex, even if that sex is with R. Kelly. 5.) Sexual Healing – Marvin Gaye: “Baby, I’m hot just like an oven and I need your lovin’ / When I get that feeling, I want sexual healing.” It’s f*cking Marvin Gaye. You knew he was going to show up on this list at some point, so don’t question it. It’s not cliché, it’s a classic – like playing “Welcome to the Jungle” at a high school basketball game. 4.) Afternoon Delight – Starlight Vocal Band: “My motto’s always been when it’s right, it’s right, / so why wait until the middle of a cold dark night?” This song is only really necessary if you’re doin’ it in the afternoon. But if you are, and you’re NOT listening to this song, you missed a golden opportunity. 3.) Crash Into Me – Dave Matthews Band “You come crash into me, / and I come into you.” This song is all about Dave Matthews making someone come, and you should be riiiight about there at this point, so the timing is perfect. The time is also perfect to soberly realize you’re being rhythmically humped by the frattiest frat boy on earth. This one is kind of cliché. 2.) Jungle Love – Morris Day and the Time: “I’ve been watching you. / I think I want to know you / My jungle love!” As soon as this song starts, switch things up and get crazy animalistic. Surprise your boy. Don’t go too far though…know the difference between “surprise” and “heart attack.” Or don’t. Whatever you’re into. 1.) Let’s Get It On – Marvin Gaye: “Let’s get it on, / Oh baby, let’s get it on.” Oh, you’re getting it on alright. You’re about get to the grand finale. You and this song are one in the same. As you and the song finish, make sure the CD doesn’t finish – immediate silence after sex can be… painful.
kitty poker wrote this
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Easing the Transition from Ghostly Spirit to Holy Spirit Will Holloman wrote this So kids, its that time of year again, huh? Time for jolly ole Saint Nick to come swoopin’ down your chimney—but what if you’re just not ready for that? We’ve compiled a list of a few ideas of how to ease your transition out of the ghostly spirit and into the Holy Spirit. 1.) Turn That Frown Upside Down: So you've got all these ghosts hung up around your place and you don’t want to take them down, even though Halloween ended a while ago. That’s totally okay! Guess what else is big and covered in a white? No, not the scary men who gather behind Target after it closes, you silly goose! Snowmen! The only difference between a ghost and a snowman is that snowmen have tighter hips (to accentuate those curves) and a nice big smile. So, instead of taking down all of your ghost decorations, just make a few adjustments to them. First, take a pair of scissors and dig into those flabby ghost hips, giving their bodies a set of tighter (and whiter) hips. Second, take a bit of white-out and color over their scary faces, then give them a redrawn, happy face with a nice thick sharpie. Once you follow those two easy steps, you should have yourself a cozy home, decorated with wonderful snowmen! You might even have a future as a guest star on Nip/Tuck. 2.) Watch That Scene From Mean Girls: You know, that scene. Lindsay Lohan and company get up on stage and do that sexy Christmas dance (that somehow her school’s administration is completely okay with) that makes you want to help her family set up her Christmas tree and forget about Halloween/every other holiday/your current girlfriend.
3.) The New and Improved Nativity Scene: You really want to put that nativity scene out, don’t you? But there’s that spooky pumpkin you've got chillin’ where you normally would set it up. And even if there were enough room, you’d be considered for an episode of Hoarders if somebody saw that you had decorations from two different holidays up. Here’s what you do: take that nativity set and put that shit inside your pumpkin. (But wait, then nobody will see it, Will! Don’t worry brah, I’ve got you covered.) Slowly, day by day, start to cut away at the pumpkin so that the view of the nativity scene gets bigger and bigger. Eventually, you’ll have 0% pumpkin and 100% birth of Christ! Be sure to throw out the pieces of the pumpkin, though, because Jesus wouldn’t want to be born into a nativity scene that smells like moldy pumpkins. He prefers old hay and camel shit. 4.) One Man’s Trash is Your New Firewood: And by “one man” I mean your roommate. Here’s what you do: Go to the hardware store and buy some of those starter logs that catch fire super easily. Next, spend the entire car ride home (or however long it takes) to convince yourself that there’s an imaginary fireplace in the corner of your living room. Finally, bring on the Christmas spirit/death by turning the corner of your apartment into a DIY fireplace and get those starter logs STARTED. Keep the fire going by taking your roommate’s Halloween decorations (don’t use your own stuff - that’s just stupid) and tossing it all into the flames. This way, you’ll bring on the toasty warmness of the wintery Christmas season, and burn out all those bad memories of yucky gross Halloween.
These ideas may seem a little bit extreme, but trust us; it’s a rough transition between Halloween and Christmas. Us transitioners need to stick together and help each other through these tough times, and do whatever it takes to make it to Christmas alive. Plus, nobody wants to end up like that one Amy Winehouse song because dude, she’s dead.
A Convenient Truth scoop chang wrote this We know how you feel, fellow green Americans. You want so badly to love and cherish Gaia, our mother Earth, but lately it seems so difficult. Lucky for you, there are ways you can make our sweet planet stop being on its period. You see, when the Earth is angry, it sends tornados and monsoons. So really, you are responsible for all of the natural disasters going on in the world. But here’s how you can help! Don’t use silly light bulbs that are powered by burning coal or wood or nuclear fishing. There are more natural ways to light a room. In the bioluminescent bays of Puerto Rico, there are rare microorganisms that light up when touched. Check out Craigslist, my buddy Pretty Rico is selling them for dirt cheap. Just put them in a bucket and stir the shit out of them for cheap, sexy lighting. If that seems like too much work, just hang glow sticks everywhere. You’ll love your new green home even more than a pedophile who lives under a playground slide. Every time you take a shower, 1,000 manatees vomit up krill in disgust. We’ve all been told we need to take shorter showers or turn the faucet off when brushing our teeth, but it just doesn’t seem to stop the manatees from barfing. As a college student in a dorm, you are surely surrounded by young men who want to save the environment just as much as you. What do you do? Group showers. Just jump in the showers with 3 or 4 of your bros and just start a scrubbin’. You’ll find the awkwardness and penis touching really speeds up the process of showering, and thus much less water is used. In fact you might feel so clean after the group shower you won’t feel the urge to do it again for a long, long time. I read once that greenhouse gasses are bad, and that they mostly come from human and cow farts. The methane from our gaseous emissions floats up into the ozone and traps sun molecules, which heat ups the Earth like a German albino at a discotheque. I hatched the revolutionary idea to tie bags to the bottoms of every man, woman, and cow on the planet to collect the gas and use it for a grander purpose. Each day, the methane will be collected and then used to fly the world’s largest, smelliest hot air balloon. It will float high in the sky, where a team of scientists lead by Jeff Scientist with nets will capture the loose methane that’s ruining the atmosphere. It seems hard to believe this would actually work, but 4 out of 5 scientologists agree it is the best, nay, the only solution. Trust them, they know science, it’s in their name! The next tip is something I came across at a junior high science fair. Apparently a child was able
to harness the power a simple pickle to power an alarm clock! I had never known about the great power in these corrupted cucumbers, but I came up with a revolutionary idea that that dumb bitch Sammy never could have thought up. Unplug all of your electronics from their sockets… and plug them into pickles! Refrigerators, vibrators, and vaporizers - all of them can be powered by just one pickle…I assume. It’s a wonder no one has tried this before, it’s so simple! The most obvious threat to our precious environment is of course, aliens. These giant, green, bug-eyed creatures come down with their fancy spaceships (powered by babies) and fuck up everything. Top scientologists have said that all things considered, the main reason our ozone layer is fading is because these damn aliens are stealing it, just for fun and/or sexual pleasure. That’s why The Black Sheep suggests you carry a large shotgun with you wherever you go. This is exactly what the founding fathers were worried about when they made the 2nd amendment. My fellow environmentalists, I have armed you with all the knowledge I have, now go out and save the planet! Remember what Captain Planet always said: “You can’t save the environment alone, so just shower together!”
From the Streets
[PartyPics]
Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
What’s your favorite thing about autumn? "Everything is flavored like pumpkins! Just the pumpkin flavor reminds me of fall and home and good times." - Christine M., Sophomore
"It’s sweater weather, you can dress in layers and it’s all cozy, warm and cuddly." - Justin R., Sophomore
"I love the trees and the leaves falling. The colors are just so pretty." - Shannon R., Junior
send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
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The Black Sheep Archives: Elections Through Time sevin ketze wrote this There's a lot of talk nowadays about how elections are getting dirty, and how technology is changing the way the world elects its leaders. After digging through The Black Sheep archives, we've found this election is pretty much business as usual, and that the issues of the past are relevant even today. Part of a letter John Quincy Adams wrote to a friend, 1824 “The election is fast approaching, and I am at my wits end. I traveled to Virginia a quarter-score of a fortnight ago to try and secure the white male landowner vote. The trip was hard, but good luck was with me, and only a paltry one-third of my escort died of tuberculosis along the way. When I finally arrived and was about to begin a debate with Senator Jackson, he flicked my testicle with his thumb, which caused me to double over and regurgitate my pease porridge onto the floor. I looked up and he was imitating my sickness for a gaggle of laughing youths. F*ck that guy.” An interview of candidate Thomas Granart, running for mayor of Salem, Massachusetts in 1693 Thee, Black Sheep: You're saying that your opponent is overstepping his bounds? Granart: Correct. This is a perfect example of “big government” coming along and getting involved where they don't belong. TBS: How so? Granart: Well, take last week. My wife rode to the mercantile to pick up the new almanac, and she ended up getting picked up by g-men, they then crushed with stones for being a witch. TBS: Are you a pro-witcher? Granart: Whoa, hey, I didn't say that. Don't write that down. I'm
just sayin’, that kind of thing is not the government's business. It should be up to privately-run juries. TBS: You think a for-profit jury would be better? Granart: Definitely. Chicks do weird stuff all the time, that don't mean it's witchcraft. That's just chicks being chicks. And when profits are on the table, people are gonna make better decisions. TBS: You know, Boston's for-profit church juries have convicted 97% of accused witches in the past year. Granart: Trials are expensive. Stones are cheap.
Roland: WIIIIIITCCCHHHH!
Two peasants complaining about how their votes don't really matter, 1162
Translated part of a speech by Brutus, a Roman senator, given in 44 B.C.E.
Simon: I just feel like, when it really comes down to it, we don't have any choice in who runs the country. Roland: What, you mean the king? Simon: Yeah. I talked to everybody in the village and couldn't find a single person who voted for him. Roland: You don't vote for the king, he's just the king. Simon: See?! This is exactly what I'm talking about. And even if someone poisons this guy, his son's hardly better. Out with one inbred asshole, in with the other. So where's the choice? Roland: We could always move north to Scotland. Simon: Psh, Scotland. They're no better, the crown wastes all their money on their universal leeching and amputation program. Roland: What? We're peasants, Si, we'd benefit a lot from that. Simon: Don't care. The English Church says amputation is an abomination. Roland: Well, maybe you should think about what you want, not what the church wants. Simon: A WITCH!!
“Friends, Romans, countrymen… sorry, that was redundant. When a man becomes a tyrant, you must consider impeachment for the good of the Republic. That was what we were forced to do with Caesar. Casca impeached him in the face with a cane, and I impeached him like eight times in the ribs. It was pretty metal. But remember, we advance as a society through compromise, not endless arguments. For example, I wanted a giant rock to fall down and crush him, and Cassius thought a pit of starving rats would be totally radical. In the end, nobody got what they wanted, but everybody walked away happy. Well, except J.C. And what goes better with compromise than forgiveness? You’d forgive a starving man for stealing bread, just like you’d forgive a mob of politicians for stabbing our leader to death, right? It’s just common courtesy.”
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Monday Munchies! 3 Homemade Cookies for $1 with Purchase of ANY 2 Zones
$2 Any Beer $3 Any Booze
$2.75 Malibu Rum, Captain Morgan Drinks and Import & Microbrew Bottles
TUES
$2 Import and Micro Bottles $2 Well & UV Flavors $2 All Drafts
Every Thursday! $2 Drinks, Shots and Beers | DJ Brainstorm
Stix It Tuesday: $1 Cheese Stix w/ Purchase of ANY 2 Zones
$2 Any Beer $3 Any Booze Every Tuesday Kyle Yap @ 10pm
$2.75 All Draught Pints and Jager
WED
The Bar Grid
$1 Domestic Bottles $1.50 Bud Light Platinum $3 Vegas Bombs
Live Music Every Friday & Saturday!
5-5-5 Wednesday 3 Zones for $15
$2 Any Beer $3 Any Booze Every Tuesday Kyle Yap @ 10pm
$2 Well Drinks $2 Half-Pints on Draught $3 Bombs
LIVE MUSIC FRIDAY! 11/2: Hot Sauce Committee 11/9: Saints of Saturday
Live Music Saturday! 11/3: Hairbangers Ball 11/10: Wedding Banned
Lunker's
The Bar Grid
WEDNESDAY: Karaoke Starting at 9pm $2.00 Well Drinks and Miller Lite Pints
Slainte Saturday: $3 Any Flavor of Three Olives Premium Vodka
MONDAY!: $9 Domestic Buckets (5 Bottles)
SATURDAY: $3.50 24oz cup $3.50 Liquor Special
Sunday & Wednessday Bucket Day! $9 Domestic Buckets (5 Bottles)
SPECIAL NIGHT
$3.00 Pitchers of Hamms $2.00 Bottles of PBR $2.00 Vodka Well Drinks OPEN MIC NIGHT!
Tapper Thursday $3.75 All 20oz Draught Pints
$2 Miller Family Bottles $2 Well Drinks and Well Shots $6 32oz Vodka Red Bulls
$2 Domestic Longnecks $3 Captain Morgan $3 Captain Lime
$2.50 19oz Bud Light and Miller Lite Drafts
THURSDAY
$2.75 20 oz Miller Lite $3 Pints of Leinenkugel
Failte Friday Try our special Long Ireland Iced Tea for $4!
$6 32oz Long Islands
$3 22oz Keeper Cup $2.75 Corona $3 Liquor Specials
$2.50 Import Bottles and Malt Beverages
FRIDAY
KARAOKE! $3.50 16oz, $4.00 20oz All Import and Craft Beer on Tap!
Slainte Saturday: $3 Any Flavor of Three Olives Premium Vodka
$2.75 Coronas $6 32oz Rum and Coke & Vodka Lemonade
$3.50 24oz cup $3.50 Liquor Special
$2.50 Well Drinks
SATURDAY
Closed
Sunday Bloody Sunday ALL of our Daily Specials available! $4 16oz Ultimate Bloody Marys featuring Ketel One Vodka
Closed
$3.50 24oz Cups $3.50 Liquor Special
Bucket Day! $9 Domestic Buckets (5 Bottles)
SUNDAY
$1.75 Miller Lite Pints
Mad Monday! $3 All Import Bottles and Microbrew Bottles
$9 Domestic Buckets (5 Bottles)
$3 Pitchers Coors Light and Miller Lite $3 Fireball Shots
$3 Smirnoff Vodka Drinks (Any Flavor)
MONDAY
$3.00 Pitchers of Hamms
Well To Do Tuesday $3 All WELL Vodka, Gin, Rum, Tequila, American Whiskey and Liquors
$2 You-Call-Its
$2 Domestic Longnecks $3 Imports, Micros, & Rail Calls
$3 Captain Morgan
TUESDAY
Karaoke Starting at 9pm $2.00 Well Drinks and Miller Lite Pints
Whiskey Wednesday $3 All CALL American, Irish, Scotch and Canadian Whiskey
$7 Premium Pitchers
$4 Bud Family Pitchers, Vodka Red Bull, & All Bombs
Bucket Day! $9 Domestic Buckets (5 Bottles)
WEDNESDAY
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page 11
the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android
bartender of the Issue geno k. brewe ha's What is your spirit animal? A wolf, because it’s badass. What’s your drink of choice? Jaegerbombs What country would you like to go to? Amsterdam, to go to a hash bar. What’s the first thing you’d do with a million dollars? I’d buy a badass sportscar. It’s the only way to drive when you’ve got a million bucks. You’re attacked by a bear, what’s your move? I go for the throat; everyone knows bears have a weak throat. Who’s your favorite supervillain? The Joker, I like my bad guys to be f*cking hilarious.
the drinking game
Social Media Shots Face it: You’re always checking your Twitter feed or Facebook Timeline anyway. Why not make a game out of it? Instead of looking like a jerk when you’re out at a party staring at your phone and tweeting, you can turn it in to a group thing the whole gang can enjoy. What You’ll Need: A Facebook or Twitter account, shot glasses, beer, and hard alcohol. Number of Players: You have like 1,000 “real” Facebook friends, right? Level of Intoxication: Enough to willingly send some nudie pics later on. How to Play: - Take out your laptop or iPhone, log in to Twitter or Facebook, and drink as follows: - Take a shot of beer every time you see: - A sob story status or tweet. - A “Happy birthday!” post. - Someone quoting a song. Take 2 if it’s Taylor Swift. - A “lyke dis if u love jesus/if u hate cancer/if u think this girl’s hot” post. - Completely uninformed political arguments. - Take a shot of hard alcohol every time you see: - A picture of a girl naked/in her underwear/in a bikini. - A mirror shot of a guy showing off his muscles. - Someone announcing they’re getting engaged or having a baby. - Someone using a hashtag incorrectly. - An invite for an “I lost all my phone numbers!” event. - Give a shot of hard alcohol every time you see: - Someone’s relative calling them out on an inappropriate status/picture/tweet. - Someone acting as the “grammar police” in response to a status or tweet. - Someone has favorited or retweeted your tweet or liked your status or picture. - Someone has invited you to join them in Farmville or some annoying Facebook app. - An Instagram link to a picture of food or pretty leaves. The Game Ends When: Everyone feels awful about their social lives or body image.
download our app for all of our drinking games!
What do you think about God? Never been religious, don’t really believe in God. What’s your favorite movie? The Fugitive, I like the cast with Tommy Lee Jones and Harrison Ford. Who killed Kennedy? The Rat Pack, it was a conspiracy with the CIA, I’ve already said too much. What do you think about global warming? It’s awesome; Illinois stays warm in the winter and all year long. What’s your ideal party? Keg of Budweiser, case of Red Bull, and a shit-ton of Jaeger. What do you think of panda hunting? I’m against it, my wife likes them and they’re furry and shit.
Recipe for Disaster
Cavity Bark As soon as Halloween ends, all of the mounds of candy left over in grocery stores goes on sale. After an extreme binge session, you’ll most likely have become extremely bored of the redundant, Juicy-Fruit-caramely-nutty candy pieces. Fear not, because this bark of candy is guaranteed to liven up your candy-eating habits. What You’ll Need: Excess Halloween candy, 1/2 pound of white chocolate, and mini pretzels. Cook Time: 1 hour Fatty Factor: You’ll finally fill in that chubby pumpkin costume you bought a few weeks ago. Let’s Get Baked: - Line an 8-inch square baking pan with parchment. - Heat your chocolate up in the microwave and stir until smooth. Make sure to do it in 15-second intervals so it doesn’t burn. - Spread the chocolate along your pan. - Here comes the fun part: Take any excess candy you have and pile it onto your melted chocolate. We’re talking candy corn, Twix, everything you got! - Stick your pan in the freezer until it’s hardened. This should take about one hour. - Remove the bark from the pan and break into little pieces. - Now stuff your damn face. There are really no restrictions on this one. Except maybe leave out those nasty fruit snacks the teachers next door gave you and the pennies from the old geezer down the block. Shit’s nasty.
Hungry for More? theblacksheeponline.com
The College Life of Past Presidents Andrew Jackson The ImpetuousAsshole Every once in a while you run into the kid who’s always looking for a fight. For some reason, just boozin’ and ogling girls all night doesn’t cut it for these guys – they need to establish themselves as the manliest man in the bar. Say something even remotely offensive, like “This food is too hot,” or “Hey, where’d your girlfriend go?” and they perk up a testosterone-riddled brain boner. Though our seventh president didn’t go to college, his friends probably hated hanging out with him. Reportedly, Jackson was involved in over 100 duels. And these duels weren’t over human rights or other matters of importance, most were about the honor of his wife, Rachel. Jackson lived with a bullet in his chest from an 1806 duel, and another bullet in his arm from a barroom fight in 1813 with Missouri senator Thomas Hart Benton. Where most guys will eventually cool down and walk away from a fight, Andrew Jackson said, “No, lets take it outside. With guns.”
calvin coolidge The Couch Potato Throughout college you’ll run the gamut of shitty roommates. From the kid who’s always “studying,” to the one who loudly bangs his overweight girlfriend, one of the most prevalent roommate-characteristics is the lazy asshole who never leaves his room. Whether he developed these habits at Amherst College or not is beside the point, because Calvin Coolidge carried them into the White House. Coolidge often slept 10 hours a day, and after waking up he enjoyed the morning ritual of having his head massaged with Vaseline while he ate breakfast in bed. Here the other White House-dwellers do their part in taking care of dishes and not sleeping through the morning – but Ole Calvin sits in bed eating until noon, getting Vaseline everywhere. You suspect the strange smell emanating from his room is beginning to take over the entire house. How he manages to get his work done is inconceivable, so maybe there is something to say about a good head massagin’ every morning.
Not all of the Presidents of the United States attended college, but most of them sure as hell acted like they did. We tracked down the best of the worst—the stereotypes. From fatty to fratty, below are six college stereotypes embraced by presidents long dead. By: Quinn and Brendan
Lyndon B. Johnson The Savvy Sex Machine Everyone comes to college with dreams of a multitude of sex partners dancing through their little brains. Then reality sets in, and you end up occasionally having sex with one girl, then get married, then die. But then there is your buddy, who you regard as a dbag but like hanging out with anyway. Perhaps you’re just jealous that, despite not being great-looking and lacking personality, this asshole manages to bring home different girls on the reg. LBJ, or should we say “El BJ,” was just that bro. He wasn’t in the White House long before installing a buzzer in the Oval Office so the Secret Service could warn him when his wife was coming. Your buddy might have a name for the girls he always brings home because he can’t be bothered to remember their names, be it “Asian Kelly,” or “Dance Floor Jenny.” LBJ couldn’t even go that far, and just called his small army of blowjobbers his “harem.”
gerald ford The Dumb Jock
Normal students often look on student-athletes with a haughty mixture of awe and disdain. On one hand, we love it when Jack Touchdown snags a pass to win a game in triple overtime. On the other, the idea that these guys get a free ride regardless of their academic acumen never quite exits the occipital lobe. With that in mind, one doesn’t expect star athletes to amount to much post-college. If the student-athlete is lucky, he’ll end up as the president of a regional fast food franchise; worse, he’ll end up president of his quickly-dwindling fan club. Then Gerald Ford comes along and shits all over your expectations. At the University of Michigan Ford starred as the football team’s starting center and starting linebacker—like your mom, he goes both ways. And in the days before helmets were worn on the field, he never suffered from pussy diseases like “brain damage” or “an early death.” The dude actually wound up as President of the United States after Nixon was forced to resign following the Watergate scandal. The dude totally smashed Keystone Light and pussy with the same vigor he did the SALT treaty. High five, bro!
William Howard Taft The Jolly Fat Guy His shirt may say “I beat anorexia” or “there’s more of me to love,” but we know behind closed doors this guy shovels ice cream cake into his mouth as he cries himself into a sleep apneainduced coma. William Howard Taft—prior to being eaten by a pack of wolves—was that fatass. Known as “Big Lub” during his time at Yale, he would go on to assume the 27th Presidency of the United States, where the comedic stylings of a fat suit movie continued. Taft was known for his insatiable appetite, and the gassiness that came with it. Furthermore, Fatty Fat Fat Taft famously got stuck in a White House bath tub on account of his fatness. Taft’s presidency lasted only one term which, in light of it resembling a bad Kevin James movie, is a good thing. And if his surely-marbled flesh is any indication, those wolves certainly found him delicious.
John Adams The Degenerate Wake up? Drink. Pass out? Drink. Go to class? Drink. Throw up? Drink. Some of us exist to go on and do great things, others exist as a living, breathing warning sign that things can go awry in a hurry if we don’t get our shit together. Well, unless that drunk turns out to be the second President of the United States. John “The Lush” Adams had a drinking problem, and that problem, most naturally, was his lack of drink. Famously he wrote a letter to his wife stating: “I would give three guineas for a barrel of your cider… I would give a guinea for a barrel of your beer. A small beer here is wretchedly bad. In short, I am getting nothing that I can drink, and I believe I shall be sick from this cause alone.” So yeah, hello spring break drunk dial voicemail. “Girl, I’m hammered but I jus wanna kish your mouth an have yew feed me my boozies an I jus threw up but I’ma be aiirigh---I’m gonna go sleep now, love you. Ya boo, Johnny A.”
the interview
Professional Bowler Michael Fagan
Michael Fagan is the PBA’s #3 ranked bowler. He’s a 4-time PBA Champion with one major under his belt. He’s traveled the world to bowl, and he also has a nickname: “The King of Swing.” Well, now he can check off another item off the ole’ wish list: an interview with The Black Sheep. We caught up with Mike because we were curious, what’s the life of a professional bowler like? Well, let’s find out. By: Brendan The Black Sheep: How did you get interested in bowling? Michael Fagan: I started playing when I was six years old. My grandfather and mother were always bowling, so it was something I did as a kid. I looked forward to hanging out in bowling alleys on Saturday afternoon. As I got a little older I started going to tournaments every single weekend. I made a little money doing it in college, doing amateur tournaments. Trying it professionally was something I really wanted to do after college, so I joined the PBA. I had some moderate success, I paid my dues, and it’s starting to come to fruition right now. TBS: Where did you go to school? What did you study? Michael: I went to St. John’s in Queens, and I studied finance. TBS: How does one make inroads to becoming a professional bowler? Michael: In recent years they’ve definitely opened up the doors. There used to be a qualifying process, but these days if you think you’re good enough and you want to give it a shot, you pay your membership fees and you get your entries in. TBS: How did you make the jump from as you say, “moderate success,” to being one of the best bowlers in the world? Michael: Well, if you look at the first TV show I made back in 2003, I don’t throw the ball like that anymore. Back in college I was a little more irrational, more aggressive with my style—I’ve learned to tone that down a little bit, and I’ve figured out how to balance power and finesse. I’ve also learned to play the lanes differently, and that’s helped too. TBS: What’s your daily routine like? Michael: We have some tournaments coming up, so I’ve been practicing almost every single day. I’ll get up, have breakfast, hit the gym for an hour or so, check some emails, eat lunch with my fiancé, and practice for a couple of hours. Obviously in my profession you have to stay on top of the equipment, so I spend a lot of time in the pro shop trying out new balls and things like that. TBS: When you practice, how do you practice? Michael: For me it’s about working on my technique. Working on timing and releases. It’s situational things like how to play it straighter on the lanes, or if I have to hook it more, how to do that. TBS: Do you play your lane or your opponent? Michael: At the end of the day, you’re playing the lane. But, when it comes down to a match play situation, you have to pay attention to how your opponent is playing a lane, because each one of their shots can change the oil pattern. Someone with a high revolution rate, the oil pattern will change that much faster. At the end of the day, you’re bowing the pins. TBS: How much different is a competition lane from just an average lane in an average bowling alley? Michael: It’s a tough subject, honestly. When I was growing up oil was put on the lane to protect the lane. Now it’s used to alter the scoring environment with patterns. With technology and trial and error, there’s ways to oil the lane that will make the scores gigantic. There’s ways to pattern the oil where you’ll throw it towards a gutter, it’ll hit the dry boards and come back, or you’ll roll it down the middle and the ball will hold its line. We don’t bowl on those types of conditions. If you’re a decent bowler and you go to a random lane you can bowl 220 or 230 with those patterns, but we don’t play anything like that. The conditions we play on are comparatively much more difficult. It’s a tough thing, most people out there may not respect the pros because the scores on the tour may be lower than the scores in your everyday league. Bowling lanes are a business. They want people to strike, so they make the lanes easier to do that. TBS: Do you have a career highlight? Michael: Things have been going really well this past year and a half. Winning the USBC Masters this past January was my career achievement. It’s one of those events where I’ve never had a lot of success, but this year I changed my strategy. Like I was saying, in years past I’d play my opponent and their strategy, this year I just played the lane. TBS: Is there any country that’s crazy for bowling, and the layperson wouldn’t assume that to be the case? Michael: There’s actually several countries that are great in bowling, and it’s kind of a shame that bowling is not part of the Olympics yet—we have the participation and the skill level around the world. The Bowling World Cup sends one representative from each country to compete. 88 to 90 countries participate in it. Some fo the best countries out there are England, Finland, Sweden, South Korea, Malaysia, Singapore. The United States is still the best bowling country in the world, but the gap is narrowing. TBS: Is pop culture accurate? Is the 7-10 split the hardest shot? Michael: I would say I’ve made that more than I’ve made the 4-6. It’s a lot harder to slide the pin over or bounce it out, and I think I’ve only made the 4-6 once in my whole life, whereas I’ve made the 7-10 about 10 times or so. Read more about Michael at his website, faganbowling.com.
the big three
entertainment-y things we’re all excited about.
The details in theaters november 2
Jeff and Nealy (Tobey Maguire and Elizabeth Banks) have been married for ten years and are living an ideal suburban life complete with the rocky relationship and infidelity. Just when things start getting really messy, a family of raccoons ransack their backyard and, before they know it, ruin a whole lot more than just their perfectly-manicured begonias.
flight in theaters november 2
Denzel Washington plays a badass pilot who miraculously crashlands a plane to save everyone on board. Homeboy becomes a hero, but naturally there's a catch - apparently, he had booze in his system during the time of the accident. Seems like an insignificant detail considering the circumstances, but what do we know?
100 Greatest Songs of the 90s Saturday, November 3 from 4pm - 9pm on VH1
If five straight hours of 90s hit songs sound like a great way to start your Saturday night, then this is what you'll need to be watching. So take a drink when P.Diddy is still called Puff Daddy. Take a drink when you know every word to a song. Take a drink when Britney was still hot. Take a drink for the beauty that is the 90s!
l a i t n e d i s e h s pr a face m
Eisenh
The man you see below has spend over 38 years in the White House. What, he's unrecognizable to you? Well maybe you need to hit up a high school history class, or maybe it's just because we took various presidential facial features and slapped them together. Yeah, that's it. Well, can you identify which presidential facial feature belongs to each commander in chief? If you can correctly identify the head, hair, ears, eyes, nose, mouth and moustache of each big boy, email Face@theblacksheeponline.com to claim your prize.
ower, Nixon, Obama, Kennedy Clinton, Bush Jr., Taft
the classtime
madlib: presidential speech
cept, huh? So if you had one too many ___11___’s at ___12___ and ended up grinding with ___13___ to ___14___ all night long, and he swooned you with ___15___ and then you ended up on their ___16___ and… you know… well, you can get that taken care of now. Because it’s your body that little mon• First things first, ___2___ will become ster will be brewin’ in, so it only makes legalized. Not just medicinally but, you sense. know, for ___3___ shows and marathons of ___4____. And those nasty • The troops will be coming home in time for Thanksgiving! So get excited for hangovers, my God. maxing out on ___17___ and ___18___ • Universal healthcare? Why not! If football and ___19___, because this is you broke your ___5___ while partak- America! Additionally, for the holidays ing in ___6___ fun with your favorite all who have served in the past two debooty call, fear no more! There’s no cades will receive complimentary botlonger reason to worry about ___7___ tles of ___20___, ample ___21___ and or knocking up your ___8___ anymore, ___22___ strippers, because, again, this because condoms and birth control will is America!!! be free for all! Especially for ___9____ My fellow Americans, I hope that you and ___10___, for obvious reasons. are satisfied with your choice of presi• Because it’s 2012 and not 1812, wom- dent. The next four years are going to en will have equal rights! Novel con- be bomb as hell, I swear. Good evening, my fellow Americans. This is your new president speaking, and I know that my election win comes as a shock to most of you. Rest assure that even though I only have the brains of a ___1___- cast member, this country is going to get hella better. Here is why:
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