The Black Sheep
Fr nowee...l th ike t at h yo e fe u’r eli e b ng ack you at hav sc hoo e l.
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Volume 2, Issue 1 1/12/12 - 2/01/12
round two Merritt Rethlake wrote this
Winter break — otherwise known as a three week hangover. If you’re anything like the average college student, you spent the majority of your time with your family and hometown friends. You can love them or you can hate them. Either way, that means you’ve been drinkin’. Your days and nights have been filled with laughs, tears, and awkward realizations. Where’s Grandma? Who cares. We got a surplus of Crown Royal. And pie. You spend hour after hour on the couch, not bothering to move a muscle. Why? Because it’s winter break and the amount of fucks you give is zero. Well, it’s time to break the news to you: Spring semester is no longer in the distance, daunting thought. It’s upon us. In the meantime, you better retrain your stomach. And your liver. It has been spoiled these last couple of weeks because you’ve been drinking the booze out of mom and dad’s fridge (like a boss). All too soon it will be demanded of you to know the day of the week, where you are, and how to spell your name. The agony. The good news is that spring semester is not nearly as harsh of an awakening as fall semester. What fall semester has taught you: you kinda have somewhat of an idea of what is expected of you over the next few months. You should at least know by now to print off your own damn syllabus and you know not to buy your textbooks until absolutely necessary. You now know CyRide comes 10 minutes early when you are on time and comes 15 minutes behind schedule when you’re already running late. You also know that finals do, in fact, impact your grades. You’ll always hold a special place in your heart for Web CT, but you’ve already accepted the fact you’ll need to adapt to Blackboard’s mysterious ways. You know the 68-person line at Caribou is the standard, and that it is possible for the Bookends Café to run out of snacks during dead week. You got schooled in the do’s and do not’s of career fair etiquette. And most importantly, you were
Other stuff
Inside
educated in how to host a bitchin’ Cyclone tailgate. What spring semester will teach you: the word “spring” is so deceiving. It makes you think you’re heading back to Ames to find tropical weather. Reality hits quick when it’s cold as shit and Uggs have not yet gone extinct. You will learn (or be reminded) that VEISHEA is both a friend and an enemy; a dream and a nightmare; Tom Cruise in Top Gun and Tom Cruise now. The point is, figure out your drinking plan for that week so that you’re not eating Advil like it’s candy for the weeks that follow. The spring will make you a seasoned expert in beer pounding, as you’ll have to prepare for many cultured events, like spring break. This semester will also inspire you to follow the ever-popular trend of wearing shorts once it hits 40 degrees in March. The point is, you are aware by now that college is a balancing act. Just channel Cirque du Soleil and you’ll be golden. And cue up that small talk speech because every
mindless lemming out there will pretend they want to hear how your break was and by all means, share your stories about grandma and her hairless cats. Soon enough you’ll fall back into your routine of Face-creeping, Tweetsifting, and professor-rating. Keep in mind that professors are always going to throw you curveballs, no matter how well you think you know the system. Think you know how to properly fill in a bubble on a standardized test? Think again. Think you’ll be writing an essay in that blue book? Not likely. I truly think some professors simple enjoying playing mind games on students. Other just constantly search for ways to make us “achieve a higher level of academic excellence” and “challenge our intellect” or whatever. But don’t let that discourage you. Just remember when it comes to spring semester and your classes, be prepared to think outside the box. And when it comes to spring semester and raging, be prepared to think outside the box of wine.
Spring Semester 2012 Prospectus
A Resolution About New Year’s Resolutions Our 2012 Predictions It’s about time someone decided to take up smoking as a resolution.
the mayans might be right, but we are definitely righter.
here’s to hoping this semester you finally get laid
see page 4
see page14
see page 18
Table of > > >
PAGE 4>>>
The Top Ten
page 13 >> Twilight: The Musical
PAGE 7 >>
Some Sentiments page 14 >> The Dark Knight Rises Trailer About New Freshmen
ways to lose the winter break weight
We’ve hit a new low, people.
What, because you showed up mid-semester, you thought you could sneak by us?
page 8 >>
contents 7 8
And so will something else if you’re not too careful, hint hint.
My Faculty Advisor Is page 16 >> Goal Setting Is Just, Batman Ugh, Too Hard Either that, or he enjoys wearing tights way too much.
five shows that need to die a swift, merciful death.
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page 12 >> Bartender of the Week page 19 >> The Madlib
Pizza Pit & Welch Ave. Station -- Great things go great together!
Gino at Café Mood misses Madonna the most.
a tale about going to the bookstore... you’ve done that by now, right?
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Definition: When a student convinces a classmate to sign the attendance sheet, allowing the student to skip class. Sheila had perfect pretendance last semester, she went to class zero times, and her professor was none the wiser.
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THe top ten
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A Resolution
Ways to Lose the Winter Break Weight
About New Year’s
10) Sex: You were all thinking it, we just said it. The act of copulating burns 300-600 calories an hour, not to mention the extra benefit of getting more practice in the sack. Because, let’s be honest, you need it.
Resolutions
9) Put the candy down: Yes, it was all well and good when you gorged yourself on holiday candy at your house, but this is college. You can’t afford trivial things like candy, hell, you can’t even afford meat. So say a sweet and tearful goodbye to your Kit-Kat, it’s time to break off the engagement.
tamara bartlett wrote this
Every year on December 31st the dreaded question is asked once again: “What’s your New Year’s Resolution?” Panic no more! Instead of turning to one of the typical, boring, socially acceptable choices, it may be time to consider an alternative solution. The self-improvement New Year’s Resolutions are utterly lame, and it’s not too late to change the way we think about changing ourselves for 2012. Society pressures those who desire selfimprovement and those who believe in new beginnings to pick appropriate, meaningful New Year’s Resolutions (NYR) that will make them wholesome, high-caliber assets to society. (Barf.) These goals are blasé, bourgeois, boring and thus blessed by every grandmother, doctor, professor, boss, priest, parent, and Rabbi. You’ll be praised and patted on the back; you’ll be their golden child! That is the sole reason we make NYRs right? The whole act of making and advertising these resolutions is a facade to impress each other, is it not?
ing to yourself? These barf-worthy NYRs don’t deserve a second of your time or even one gram of your self control. In 2012, avoid these worthless resolutions and their inherent risks. Typical New Year’s Resolutions are not only tedious, painful and worthless; they may have many unforeseen, negative social implications. (Translation: They are majorly bogus.) This is an excellent moment to call to mind what Winston Churchill said, “He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” Like good, old Winston was implying, virtues aren’t all that they are cracked up to be. Virtues may not be as desirable as Aesop seems to think. (Aesop’s Fables each have a virtuous, one-liner at the end; catch up, people.) But seriously, people don’t pick friends because they have their life in order,
good about themselves, by comparison. For example, on Sunday morning, you wake up kicking yourself for irreversibly damaging your favorite white shirt and blowing your wad of cash at the bars. At least you can pat yourself on the back for not waking up in jail. Unfortunately your friend so-and-so can’t say as much. The small, malicious piece of your heart loves that your friend makes your faultfilled weekend look a bit less condemnable. Clearly, these run-of-the-mill NYRs become a vicious cycle of one step toward a hop, skip and tumble back. If you’ve chosen your NYR correctly and worked hard to achieve it, the outcome should be you, transformed from your old self to a fun, more lovable version of you. Don’t deny that the most fun friends you have are the unpredictable, loose cannon types. The friend who is willing to stay out later and chat over that one last brewsky is a diamond in the rough. Your outspoken friend who is in desperate need of a better vocal filter may not be politically correct but never fails to make you bust into a fit of junior-high-girl giggles. Any selfrespecting college student needs a cohort to skip a class or two with. Isn’t the old adage that you fall in love with someone’s faults? Thus, why not increase those faults and, in essence, become more lovable? It’s certainly a thought. Be that friend that is willing to stay out late, moon someone on a dare, skip exercising and head to McDonald’s instead.
“typical new year’s resolutions are not only tedious, painful and worthless; they may have unforeseen, negative social implications.”
Without a doubt, there is an art to choosing an appropriate - and hopefully impressive - resolution. The list of go-to NYRs includes, but is not limited to: losing weight, calling your parents, getting organized, being timely, paying bills on time, quitting smoking, eating healthy, cleaning the bathroom, budgeting finances, counting calories, quitting swearing, attending classes, reducing reusing recycling, calling grandmother, spending less, listening carefully, speaking softly, working out, reducing the number of bar brawls, dressing better, dieting effectively, cleaning closets, drinking less, following the speed limit, achieving better grades, being arrested less, following a curfew, giving up Facebook, reading the news, giving to charity, adopting a kid, using ethanol and watching less television. Surely you can find one of these on your list. Do you realize what you’re do-
and the average Joe may not even truly like those sorts of friends. Doesn’t every friend group have that member with a somewhat god-like quality: the athletically fit friend with a stellar GPA, plenty of spare change and organizational skills that put Martha Stewart to shame? Take a moment and reflect upon your feelings towards that friend. Don’t you really resent them? Just a little bit, just like sibling rivalries? Do you want that to be you? With all this self-improvement, you run the risk of becoming that very person. As the Ames Police shirts say, Don’t Be That Guy. It’s true that a crucial part of every friendship is making the other person feel good about his or her self. So think about it this way: what your friends really want is a pal that makes them feel
Hopefully, you’ll now reconsider your New Year’s Resolution. Everyone makes mistakes; your grievous mistake of trying to exterminate all those quirks, (a.k.a. vices) for which your friends love you, is forgiven. But do take this opportunity to reflect and perhaps resolve to enhance those lovable traits about yourself. May the year of 2012 bless you with peace, prosperity and all the vices for which you aspire!
8) Walk to class: Since global warming threw up all over Iowa and it has been 40 degrees all winter, you don’t need to take a bus to protect yourself from snow or frigid wind. No excuses, get your fatass off the couch and get to your 8 a.m. Bio lab. 7) Hibernate: If you must stay inside (pussy), then sleep while you’re there. If you’re sleeping, you can’t shovel food in your face like a depraved starving child or homeless person; you also burn some calories while you sleep. If you have a sleep-eating disorder, well we can’t really help you there. 6) Go to the club (but keep away from the beer): Having one or two drinks will only cost you 300 calories, however if you’re dancing your two-cent-hooker-looking ass off at da club, you’ll make up those cocktails in no time. And if there are stripper poles, get on it! There’s a reason most strippers are skinny (and it’s not just the coke). 5) Try real exercise: Fad diets and exercise products are made for you to buy, not to get you in shape. Case in point: The Shake Weight. It straight up doesn’t work, and the only thing it will help you with is your hand job proficiency. So go for a run, or lift some weights; these techniques have worked for centuries. 4) Go see a show: Laughing is a great way to burn calories, especially if it’s a very forceful and prolonged laugh. So spend $5 for Louis C.K.’s latest stand-up special, or go see one of ISU’s productions; you’re sure to get some chortles, and a smaller waistline. 3) Get sick: As Emily Blunt in The Devil Wears Prada so aptly put it: “I’m just one stomach flu away from my goal weight.” 2) Stop going to McDonald’s every time you get drunk: You may think that 12 kinds of meat processed into a McRib sounds delicious, however those various pork products are unnecessary for your diet, and will just sit on your ass. And no, despite what the U.S. Government thinks, pizza sauce is not a vegetable. 1) If all else fails, just try to eat less: Yes, your stomach will rumble and cry (don’t worry, you will too), but after two weeks your stomach will have adjusted to your new portion size and will begin to feel full again. This is a big step for you, as it actually requires work, however with a little panache and willpower you’ll be on your way to fitting in your sexy pants soon enough.
danielle levings wrote this
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Some Sentiments For New Freshmen MOlly carpenter wrote this A message to the new freshmen who just moved in, who graduated high school a semester early because they just couldn’t wait for college: Don’t even begin to think you’re cool.
that won’t work here in college. Iowa State University is a place of cooperative and respectful academia. And drinking.
You look 12. The other guys in your dorm want to jump you one night as you walk down the hall, just for fun. Yeah, Iowa State’s like prison — except you can do whatever you want all the time — you’re gonna be someone’s bitch. Seriously, it could not be more obvious that you are younger than everybody else. Everything about you — your height, your build, your child-like posture, your wide eyes filled with hope and innocence and a false sense of confidence — it is all annoying. Just stop it, stop looking so little and naïve, it’s pissing everybody off.
You’re so cocky, so outgoing, because your reference group is still your old high school classmates, and compared to them you think you’re Mr. Awesome, top notch, the best. While they’re all slaving away learning the difference between similes and metaphors, you’re joyfully bounding down your new dorm hallway that smells like Axe, screaming, “whooooo!” You feel clever, like you cheated the system for getting to be here so early. You being here is like when you’re a kid and your big brother hesitantly lets you play with his toys after you begged him to, but then you break one and he hates you forever.
You might be a genius if you finished high school early. People hate you for that, and your mother was wrong — deep down, they are not jealous. It is a cruel world, but you make it worse by subtly bragging. You are a braggart, even when you actively try not to be. You go around and you sprinkle your speech with scientific terminology, or you craft extravagant metaphors and find a way to incorporate them into the conversation. Doing so is a predatory putdown, establishing yourself as the smartest cookie of the batch. That might have worked for you in high school, but
There is nothing the well-adjusted upperclassman hates more than seeing that stupid look of wonder upon the faces of freshman as they experience college life for the first time, jovially walking around campus with a bright red Destination Iowa State bag slung on their back, mispronouncing all the building names in the most horrific ways as they peruse their campus map, then saying, “ooh, better not step on the zodiac. Hee hee” as they enter the Memorial Union. It’s sickening. But at least we have all summer to mentally prepare ourselves for August when the hordes
arrive. We can accept the fact that this is an unavoidable occurrence, but when it happens in January, it’s just unnatural, and deeply irritating. Any overeager students foolish enough to come in January are poking a sleeping bear. You, new freshman, have come at an inopportune time, exacerbating the cold feelings felt by upperclassmen towards you. Just keep your head down and try to blend in. The sting of failure will make you one of us, and it’ll happen eventually.
An annual exam saved my life.
January is Cervical Health Month. Cervical Cancer is the 2nd most common cancer among women. Make an appointment to learn how you can stay safe this year. Regular Pap tests Safe sex HPV tests HPV vaccine
2530 Chamberlain St. | Ames www.ppheartland.org | 1.877.811.7526
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My Faculty Advisor is batman
As I start to wind down my college experience I’ve had to take more and more time out of my week to meet with my faculty advisor. Sometimes it’s for graduation logistics, other times it’s for internship and job hunting. But lately, my advisor has been acting strange. And I mean strange for an Iowa State faculty member. Many of our meetings are interrupted with him disappearing and not returning for hours at a time. This proved problematic. I had to investigate further.
Turns out, my faculty advisor is a lot more than just a shaper of young minds. After one such abbreviated meeting, I followed my instructor as he left the building. Rather than head to the nearest parking lot, he seemed to sprint for the Molecular Biology Building. Seeing as he was a psychology major, I found this a little odd, but not completely out of place. As my beer gut slowed me down, I was only able to see a glimpse of his vehicle as he sped away. It was black and looked like no other car I had seen before. He whizzed past three campus police cars as he disappeared from sight. The campus police didn’t even react, how weird. I went home and researched my advisor as much as I could (Google, Wikipedia and asking my paranoid friends, mostly) and found nothing. Apparently he only teaches on occasion, so many Iowa State faculty members don’t even know him. I couldn’t take this anymore. I was growing worried I’d wake up for class in a strange country being waterboarded
adam carver wrote this
by a psycho faculty member; I had to learn what he was up to. So, the other night, I snuck into his office and tried to find anything I could on my mysterious advisor. My graduation application was due soon and his signature was still missing. As I ruffled through the papers in his desk, I heard a crash. Even though I had locked the door behind me, someone kicked it in. Standing before me, was a masked man who had a weird yellow and black bat insignia on his chest. I got a good look as he held me to the wall, interrogating me. When I finally got him to release me, he told he was a vigilante. He was going around the campus area, eliminating crime and stopping lives of crime before they could start. I asked him why someone so intimidating would do something so small-time. He said that the economy was in the toilet and that was affecting his secret life of fighting crime. He was growing too old to fight crime bosses and hitmen, so he decided to take a more low-key gig. He picked up a job as a faculty advisor and occasional teacher at Iowa State under the awful alias of Bruce Wayne. He said he didn’t need the money; he just wanted a quieter place to live and work. You guessed it, my advisor is some weirdo named Batman, hiding as a staff member of a Big 12 college. I can’t stop laughing at the idea. That is, until he asked me to join him.
I got a criminal justice internship after all. I’m his sidekick. He asked if I had a superhero name picked out, I told him I hadn’t drank enough in my life to seriously consider such a thought. He suggested Robin, I laughed in his face. I won’t tell you what we decided on. After all, I have to keep my superhero life a secret, right? Or is it my secret identity that I’m supposed to protect?
@TBS_IowaState The Black Sheep at Iowa State
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Karaoke Tuesday (9PM-1AM) $1 Tube Shots $5 (8) Boneless Wings $2.25 Spiced Rum and Pepsi
TUES
$0.50 Drinks til Midnight
Pint Night: $1.25 Pints/Bottles of Olde Main, Boulevard, Bud, Miller, Coors, & PBR $2 Pints/Bottles of all other Beers Free pool until 8
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WED
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Bartenderof the Issue
Gino Tamasoni - Cafe Mood Favorite Drink: Long Island Ice Tea (Adios Mother Fucker). Favorite Shot: Orange Peel (peach schnapps, Absolute Mandarin, Watermelon Pucker, OJ, Red Bull, Sprite). What are you most looking forward to this semester: People coming to check out the vibe of the bar, get a fun crowd and staff, and getting to know the regulars. Favorite music: Working out I listen to techno, but just chilling it is Hip Hop and R&B. What was the best thing before sliced bread: Headphones.
drinking game:
pitcherball
Baseball, basketball, football and hockeyball are all considered national pastimes. A new hero enters stage left: pitcherball. A game for gentlemen and ladies of a less athletic slant. Number of Players: Two or four players, in two teams. What You Need: Two tables, a pitcher, some ping pong balls and some brewskis. Intoxication Level: You’ll want to put your balls in the pitcher. How to Play: -Set up two tables approximately eight feet apart. -Place the pitcher on one of the tables and fill it with beer. -Both teams stand behind the table that does not have beer on it. -Teams alternate shooting, in which one player attempts to bounce a ping pong ball off of the near table, into the pitcher sitting on the far table. -If a team makes a ping pong ball into the pitcher, that team scores one point and the other team must drink out of the pitcher for three seconds. -The first team to ten points wins. The losing team must finish the remaining beer in the pitcher. The Game Ends When: Someone pukes because of the backwash in the pitcher.
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Favorite sober game: Poker. Favorite Drinking Game: Flip Cup. Thing you miss most about the 90s: Madonna. Favorite movie: The Godfather. Go-to drunk food: Either a gyro or pizza. If you were cremated, where would we spread your ashes: Behind the bar. Worst night to bartend: Sunday because it should be a day of relaxing. Favorite bar specials: Dollar drafts every day, two dollar wells, and the longest happy hours in Ames!
recipe for disaster:
early, early, early morning toaster
After a long night there’s only one thing better than waking up to a glorious, filling, almost vomit-inducing breakfast: Making it before you go to bed. What You’ll Need: Sausage patty, eggs, peanut butter, bread Cook Time: About fifteen minutes. Fatty Factor: Goodbye New Year’s Resolution Let’s Get Baked: -Prepare your sausage patty in one skillet. -In another skillet, begin frying your eggs. -Place two pieces of toast in the toaster. -When the toast is ready, slather peanut butter on each piece. -When the sausage and egg are both ready, place them on the toast. -Enjoy! Sweet, savory, fatty, meaty, crunchy. What else could satisfy the drunk food pyramid at four in the morning? Pineapple pizza? That shit’s nasty.
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welcome back!
Twilight: The Musical
(And What Else is Wrong with America) danielle levings wrote this You probably looked at this title and thought something similar to this, “No fucking way. That’s not real. It can’t be. Let me Google it. Mother of god…WHY OH WHY?!” We know, at The Black Sheep we too cried ourselves to sleep when we heard the news. Here, blow your nose. There’s a good kid. Now, this is probably the worst thing to happen to American entertainment since the actual Twilight books. As educated college students we just assume that such horrors are saved for third world countries like South Dakota, and such atrocities could never happen to us. But we were so very wrong. You must be asking yourself, “How has the world come to this? Is it the apocalypse? Am I dying?” No, sadly none of those things are true. The main culprit behind this astronomical shit show is greed. Greed is a sneaky bitch, which swoops into the minds of innocent young people and turns them into crazed tyrants. They think nothing of the value of entertainment, merely what will make them one more dollar. Take the Real Housewives brand. You would think that no one would give a shit about five rich women bitching about their hair and their kids and their BMWs. But due to endless promotion and the blatant stupidity of humans, there are now five of these mind-numbing shows. Five. Instead of putting good shit on the air, the execs at Bravo! decided that America needed more wealthy airheads and table flipping. And they received it in droves.
But greed didn’t just destroy the boob tube. No, it wheedled its way onto the silver screen as well. Transformers did not need one sequel, let alone two. And why are there six Saw movies? You can only cut off limbs so many times before it gets boring. For all two people who saw Big Momma’s House 2, did you actually find it enjoyable? No? Thought so. But someone who is entirely removed from finding out what the public actually likes to watch figures out what they will watch if forced, and spoon-feeds them garbage. So now we’re stuck with remakes and prequels and Kristen Stewart actually having a career. But we have moved away from our original gripe; Twilight: The Musical. Sadly, it is not surprising that this show is being thrown up all over Broadway. Spiderman: The Musical is probably the shittiest show ever to be on the big stage, but somehow it has made millions of dollars. For no reason at all. Everyone in the cast is injured from stunts, but not one seems to care so long as the show keeps pulling viewers. For fuck’s sake, it’s a musical about a comic book. A musical about a fictional character with no personality doesn’t seem so far-fetched anymore, does it? Sadly, our entertainment has come to this. We might as well all go home to our TiVo and turn on the latest episode of Jersey Shore, because at the rate the industry is going, that will soon be the most intelligent show on television. Get your spray tans and Jager bombs ready, folks.
Matamoros Monday • $4 Margaritas (2pm -7 pm) • $11 Buckets of Corona, Dos Equis and Landshark • $5 Pork Fajitas Karaoke Tuesday (9pm - 1am) • $5 for 8 Boneless Wings • $1 Tube Shots and $2.25 Spiced Rum & Pepsi White Trash Wednesday • $2 Tatertot Casserole & $2 Spam Sandwiches (7-10pm) • $2 PBR and Keystone (7p-1am) 2FerThursday • 2fer Wells (9-1am) • 2fer Pork Tenderloins • $2.50 Domestic Pints (11p-1a)
Unfiltered Friday • $5 Regular Nachos (2pm-7pm) • $3.50 Pints Blvd Wheat • $1.50 Keystone Light Draws (2pm 7pm) • $3.50 All Craft / Imports (7pm - 1am) Wing It Saturday • $0.59 Wings and Gizzards • $10 Domestic Buckets Sunday Funday • $5 Pound of Chicken • $7 Pitchers of Keystone Light (9pm- 1am) • $5 Bloody Mary Bar
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our 2012 predictions February 5: After completing a last-second Hail Mary to secure a 27-25 victory in Super Bowl XLVI, Tim Tebow suffers a massive heart attack and dies on the field. Unlike Jesus, he doesn’t have to wait three days, and immediately ascends to heaven.
April 5: On the night NBC
airs the series finale for critical darling Community, show creator Dan Harmon commits suicide. He leaves a note littered with sex jokes, references to alcoholism and forced laughter, titling it, “Are You There, Idiots, It’s Me, Dan.”
march 22: Less january 30: In a shocking move, Arrested Development creator Mitchell Hurwitz announces there will be no movie, claiming, “…And that’s why you don’t expect anything good to happen, ever.”
By Brendan
than six months after filing for divorce, Kim Kardashian shocks the world with a surprise second marriage, to a mirror. When questioned, Kim replies, “Because now I’m always with someone I truly love.”
June 6: Tim Cook, CEO of Apple, unveils the iPhone 5 to a stunned audience. The updated Siri software offers several voice options, ranging from “sassy black lady” to “unintelligibly Asian.” Shareholders vote him out later that week.
may 18: Universal pictures releases board game science fiction film Battleship. Across the United States several branches of the National Alliance for Mental Illness protest the film, asking that Universal stop releasing films that “pander to our demographic.”
The Dark Knight Rises (as Will Your Penis When Watching the) Trailer
Holy fucking shit— if this is the year I finally die from alcohol, the Mayan apocalypse, or butt worms, please let it be after I see The Dark Knight Rises. A life lived without seeing the third act of the Batman thrill-ogy would clearly be a life not worth living at all. Down the road, when all of us are on our respective deathbeds (from the inevitable plagues of Robot-Lupus and Super-Diabetes), at least each of us will be able to remember marriage, having kids, and of course—watching The Dark Knight Rises. So far, our groveling nation has only been privy to the trailer of said movie. If you haven’t seen it yet, well, you’re an idiot, but don’t worry… your fun Uncle Justin is here to walk you through the experience of this anythingbut-average trailer. It begins with the National Anthem being sung by a small child at a football stadium. It’s the calm before the impending storm—a storm that’s brewing both on the screen and in your pants. A quick straightening of your trouser region is encouraged to free up some room at this point, as your Dick Cheney will be readying himself to fire at someone or something at any time.
At this point, you’re going to be sweating a lot. There’s really no getting around it, either—I mean, you’re getting aroused, your pre-boner is in effect, and you’re watching the new Batman trailer; it’s only natural that you’re dripping moisture as if a post-Katrina levee has broken all over you. Suddenly, Christopher Nolan’s name flashes across the screen causing your schlong to go from a half-chub to a Rigid Richard in record time.
You’ll debate trying to hide this Woody Allen of yours, but ultimately decide that pulling your attention away from this trailer isn’t worth it. Plus, if anyone were to call you out on it, you could instantly question why they were fixated on your crotch when there is nothing but pure Batman-badassery taking place on the giant screen in front of them.
The screen then cuts to Bane watching a gaggle of gunwielding convicts emerge from a hole in a prison wall. Flashbacks from a Thanksgiving parade in Detroit start flooding back to you as your vision begins to narrow from this fear-boner situation. This causes more blood from your brain to rush away from your senses and down to your already-fiery crotch. Congratulations, your ticket to Bonerroo can now be punched. Your fingers grip the armrests and the muscles in your legs start to twitch uncontrollably. A football field explodes on screen and a soft involuntary grunt comes out of your mouth. You’re so close to sexual release that you debate pulling a Pee Wee Herman and just pumping those last few strokes out, but alas, you reconsider when you remember what happened to him after that. Even though you know the consequences, you can’t help yourself. Between the pure, unadulterated awesomeness of every gadget, the Batwing chasing tanks, and epic battle scenes from start to finish, you finally break and start orgasming uncontrollably. You make an erect deposit in the front of your pants just as the final image fades.
A few moments pass and you regain control of your body once again. You take a quick survey of your surroundings before you slink out of the theater (since you really only came for The Dark Knight Rises trailer and don’t really give a shit about watching Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol). You make the awkward walk to the bathroom and try not to make eye contact with anyone. Once you’re there, you’ll clean up that pool of Hellman’s man-naise that has collected in your underpants and head home to bed to see it all over again in your dreams.
2012 predictions July 20: In a surprise reveal, audiences discover The Dark Knight Rises is also a sequel to another Christian Bale vehicle: American Psycho. Christopher Nolan explains that Batman is actually the psychotic Patrick Bateman’s humbler, do-gooder split personality.
august 12: Dr. Dre’s
long-anticipated Detox is finally released. Accountants in their mid-thirties around the world rejoice, while high school kids wonder why Eminem’s step dad is rapping.
cd review
september 8: In a last-gasp attempt to remain relevant, Miley Cyrus’ Playboy spread hits newsstands. Pedophiles ignore her for being too old, while the rest of the world continues to masturbate to DVDA internet pornography.
october 2: Less than a year old, Blue Ivy Carter, the daughter of Jay-Z and Beyonce, releases her first album, Destiny’s Child. It debuts at #1 on Billboard, and makes the prodigy the youngest self-made millionaire ever.
snow patrol Fallen Empires Snow Patrol falls, but we're not sure where the empire part comes from.
Snow Patrol is similar to U2 in two very unexpected ways: 1) They are both from Ireland, (which is quite obvious about U2), but less obvious about Snow Patrol. 2) They’re both really freakin’ popular, especially in the UK, which, again, is pretty obvious for U2, but… Snow Patrol? These are the same dudes who sang “Chasing Cars” back in 2006 and wooed every female fan of Grey’s Anatomy (and probably some of the dudes too). However, I think we all know how most people feel about U2; they suck. Sure, they are popular and lots of people love the hell out of them, but does that necessarily make them “good”? After all, taste in music comes down to personal preference, just like your feelings toward vegan cupcakes and Mission Impossible movies. Different strokes for different folks, and so far I don’t like anything that has been mentioned. (I don’t even really like snow.) While Snow Patrol makes safe radio-friendly tunes, they are far from memorable and not much different than any of the other wannabe huge alt-rock band from the early 2000s. If there’s one thing these guys do have down, it’s their ability to relate to anyone and everyone. From break-ups and isolation to loneliness and
out now
November 6: In
his Presidential victory speech, 3rd party candidate Ron Paul reveals the true extent of his previous hints at racism, noting, “I’m going to show every black woman in this bitch my white house!”
December 20: The world wakes to K’iche’, the Mayan god of death. With John Cusack on vacation, the world’s leaders are forced to nuke the entire world to prevent K’iche’s dark reign, thus fulfilling the prophecy.
GRADE D
love, these guys sure don’t skimp on the emotional aspect of their music. At the same time, it’s not like these topics are anywhere close to original (and their boring beats that play over Gary Lightbody’s earnest yet forgettable lyrics are equally as unoriginal). The entire album plays as a few plain guitar melodies and one long, drawn-out lyric sung by a guy who’s on the verge of tears the entire time. And despite R.E.M’s Michael Stipe helping out on lyrics, nothing seems to give this album anything truly worthwhile. But hey, don’t worry, Ireland—you’re not all bad music and blacked out gingers. You’ve got Damien Rice, whom I have no complaints about; The Cardigans, who have given me one of my signature karaoke tunes, “Lovefool,” Guinness (and loads of other fine beers), as well as plenty of motherfuckin’ whiskey (and everyone loves whiskey even if they say it makes them “angry”). Last but not least, let’s not forget St. Patrick’s Day—the number one reason why the Irish totally rule. So, Slainte! And sorry about the music! Download: “Lovefool” by the Cardigans. Listen to it When: You’re a fifth of whiskey in and it’s better than hearing a bagpipe.
UPCOMING RELEASES Joshua Bell - French Impressions David Chowder - Give Us Rest
Pink Floyd -Wish You Were Here Red Wanting Blue - From the Vanishing Point
Young London - Young London Nirvana - Live at the Paramount
Keepaway - Black Flute Bill Ryder-Jones - If...
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goal setting is, ugh, too hard Merritt Rethlake wrote this So you’ve decided that this year is going to be different. You’re going on a health kick. You’re going to study your ass off. You’re going to budget your time and your money. Let’s be honest. “Going to” and actually following through are two very different things. “I am going to work out” translates to: I really want to buy cute workout clothes. I’ll go to the gym for a couple weeks, but only if my friends go with me. Mostly I just want to see what the new rec looks like. I heard the floors are like, really shiny. I hope I don’t run into that guy I hooked up with that one time. (That one time being the entire duration of freshman year.) Or maybe I do want to see him because he’ll see me working out and be like “omg this girl knows what’s up.” Ugh. I’m already sweating. I’ll just eat salads every day for the rest of the year and maybe treat myself to an ice cube later. “I’m not going to drunk text that douchebag” translates to: I’m probably going to drunk tweet at that douchebag. Sober me knows this is a bad idea, but my half-empty mug is telling me otherwise. Talk about looking at the glass half full - it’s like that drink is cheering me on! Come on, call the douchebag out! I’ll have to make sure to hashtag something like “getting over you” or “I deserve better” so he knows I’m serious. Plus, tweets are delete-able! So I can tweet my blackout pearls of wisdom that I have in that moment, and then delete all evidence the next morning. It’s like a win-win. And people say my smartphone makes me dumb. Ugh. Whatever. #noregrets “I’m going to get better grades by studying at the library more often” translates to: I’m more likely going to annoy Parks’ regulars because I’ll need an outlet and take up a table so I can spread my textbooks everywhere just to neglect them. Don’t mind me. I’m just sitting here letting Adele blare through my headphones while I update my Pinterest board. What is with this new Facebook layout? Ugh. I’m so bored. I’d go get another snack, but the café is so far away.
“I’m going to save more money” translates to: I really shouldn’t spend money, but okay, I’m going to spend it anyway, at least I’ll feel guilty about it for a few minutes afterward. My parents won’t notice if I add another 50 bucks to CyCash. I might just “forget” my credit card when I’m out with friends. They’ll understand, right? And I guess I’ll have to suck it up on the weekends and flirt with freshmen until they give me their booze. Life is all about sacrifices. “I’m not going to drink as much” translates to: I’m not going to go out on Mondays anymore. And I’ll get off this hard alcohol bender for a while and stick to beer. Beer is like way less alcohol, right? I’m not saying that no longer getting housed every night is going to be difficult, it will be. I’m saying all I want to do is drink straight from the bottle of Hawkeye, dance on morally confused men at Sip’s, throw up after inhaling Super Dog, and then pass out at least four blocks near my bed. And I’m going to try to do less of that. There’s the cold hard truth, kids. Prove me wrong. You’re lucky if you even made it through reading the entire article because, ugh, you have so many other important things you need to do… like making sure your Orange Leaf coupons are still valid or frantically searching for the douchebag’s phone number that you deleted last weekend. Get your shit done. And then, you can party like it’s the end of the world. Why? Ugh. Because Jay Sean told you to.
SHOUT OUTS!
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Jake, that was an epic party, but peed myself on St. Patrick’s Day.. I HATE seriously, who clogged the toilet? Thanks for not getting too mad when my friend and I peed in your trash can like the true ladies we are. And thank you for not putting it on Youtube as well. Ginger Girl I met at Headliners last Anyone else think the school week…same time, same place? Same should really invest in shame rides breakfast in the morning? in the morning? It would be a real Are you ready for one last money maker! semester, girls of 412? Time to get crayyyyyyyyyyyy! Dear big orange baby driving a big orange car. Rompers are for babies! YOU SILES!!!!! Love Slippy Slappy Abe Dear ISU, It’s been a good 3 years, but happy 21st- miles & krista. let’s hope now I must leave you behind. But hey, syllabus week doesn’t get in the way of we had our good times. Like the time I your regular debauchery. love yaaaa- kath,
SHOUT OUT OF THE WEEK
STOP LIGHT NIGHT
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kay & court Court – did you really come back to our place early and move everything in my room? I can’t find anything! Just wait until you leave for a weekend… Danny, sorry we broke your TV…who knew those hand straps on the Wii remotes would have come in handy? So Megs, about that resolution of going to the gym twice a week...already broken...so sad...-Jess Chris, there’s no way you are moving in with that damn cat you saved over break. First, you found him in an alley, second, it’s already peed on you twice, and third, IT SMELLS!
CHANGE IS GOOD...
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The Black Sheep Spring Semester Presents
2012 Prospectus
Think spring 2012 is destined to a semester-long balls-to-the-wall blast? Certain that the 18 hours you’re forced to take will keep you sunshine-free until late May? Fear not! The Black Sheep is here to help.
social life
+1 For each bar within walking distance of your apartment. +1 For every 100 miles away your spring break destination is. +1 For every sitting area your apartment has. +1.5 For each member of the opposite sex living less than three doors away from you. +2 For each friend you have working in the service industry. +2 For every late-night food establishment or taxi cap number in your phone. +2 For each person you know who can sneak you into a campus cafeteria. +3 For each $1,000 in student aid you have left in your bank account. +3 For each club you happily participate in. +10 For each credit card your parents gave you. -1 For each person you have to share a bathroom with. -1 For every year old your car is. -2 For every 50 miles away your significant other is. -5 For each resume-building club you’re in.
SOCIAL LIFE SCORE: ________
work
+2 For every dollar above minimum wage you make. +4 If your manager is the same age as you. +5 If your place of work closes by sundown. +10 If you don’t have a job and your parents support you. -5 If you work in the service industry.
WORK SCORE: ________
class
+1 For each excused absence you’re granted. +1 For each excused absence you’re granted. +2 For every $100 your parents gave you for books. +3 For each class you’re taking in a lecture hall. +4 For each class you’re taking with a friend this semester. +5 For each GPA-boosting elective you’re taking. -1 For every hour before 11 a.m. that class begins, or after 3 p.m. class ends. -2 For each class you’re taking in a small classroom. -3 For each group project on a syllabus. -.25 For each page of classwork you’re required to hand in this semester.
CLASS SCORE: ________
Now add up your score.
A scale of 1-100 will give an accurate measure of how rockin’ your semester will be. Score 100 and you’ll be tagging tail like a genuine beaver trapper. 50? You can do better. 0, um, just stay away from the bleach, okay?
TOTAL SCORE: _____/100
class tim e the madlib: bookstore Man, I’m so happy my parents decided to give me $__1__ for this semester’s books, after that __2__ GPA last semester I was scared my parents would make me pay my own tuition. Thank god that didn’t happen, can you believe I actually started looking for a job at __3__? According to my list I’m going to need the book for __4__. And… it’s $__5__. Seriously? It’s like the professors are trying to __6__ me with a __7__ wrapped in __8__. Plus, by my count that money could be better spent on two dozen __9__ of __10__. And what’s with this optional reading bullshit? This professor I’ve never met, __11__, recommends that I spend $__12__ so I can learn more about the __13__ of the __14__? It’s like he doesn’t even know that __15__ exists. Well, at least I should spend some of this money on school supplies, by the end of last semester I was drawing pictures of __16__ on a __17__ using a __18__, and that’s gotta change. But can you believe __19__ cost $4 each? I can just make my own out of __20__ and spend the cash at __21__. And why do __22__ come in packs of __23__? I only need one. Eh, I’ll just steal it. If this semester is anything like the last I should probably look into that job at __24__.
1) Amount of money 2) Last semester’s GPA 3) Crappy place of employment 4) Class you’re taking 5) Amount of money 6) Depraved act 7) Object 8) Flexible object 9) Things 10) Thing 11) Professor’s name 12) Amount of money
13) Feature 14) Person or people 15) Vaguely credible website 16) Something vulgar 17) Odd object 18) Poor writing tool 19) School supply 20) Household item 21) Local restaurant 22) School supply 23) Number 24) Crappy place of employment
class tim e Meet The Staff! campus manager Brian Skalak
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cartoonist Danielle Hernandez campus director Brendan Bonham Twitter @TBS_IowaState Facebook The Black Sheep at Iowa State Questions?
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