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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 2, Issue 2 2/2/12 - 2/22/12
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Invent-O-Class: Extreme Poverty 302 adam carver wrote this
As we applied for classes, some of you come across a true gem of a class to fill your schedule. Walking 101, a film class, or any number of other truly slacker-friendly ways to advance your college education. But what if you could create a class? Like the movie Accepted, we will offer up a class every issue that really speaks to the last minute planners in us all. Extreme Poverty 302 (3 credits – ½ semester class) Prerequisites: Library 160, Econ 101 Required: All Majors Experience the extreme poverty that a growing number of Americans are forced to face every year. Learn about the history and usage of food stamps, Welfare, Social Security and master the ability to survive the harsh reality that your degree and debt will get you here. The class will consist of a 7-week course held Monday, Wednesday, and Friday from 3:30 – 5:00 pm. The class is broken up into three units with a practical application of each as a means of assessment. The first section will consist of cardboard house and makeshift home construction. Actual homeless and Architecture faculty will head this topic. You’ll create a “home” that you will live in during one weekend during the semester to test its practicality. The final assessment in the will be a five minute presentation over what you have learned and wish to learn more about. This course is required for all majors, but has already been integrated into certain practicum.
The second section will be on pandering and hitchhiking. This will consist of standing at popular street corners, collecting spare change and redeemable cans and bottles and attempting to solicit rides to various places on campus (all money collected will be donated to local charities). The amount of money raised or rides given will determine your grade from this section.
Theatre, Music, and German majors have all jumped on board already, incorporating their respective backgrounds into the course. German Poverty 301 will be taught completely in German and focuses on the plight of World War II – Cold War Germany. Music and Theatre majors will experience all three units mentioned above, but will incorporate music and theatrical gimmicks during the second and third units. Music majors will sing the entire time.
The final section will consist of learning about poverty from the other side. This will comprise the last few weeks of the course. Tasks will include working local missions and shelters for those without a home, cooking and serving food at soup kitchens and collecting items for local food banks.
Other stuff
Inside
Course can be retaken for senior credit with the added theme of zombies. Extreme Poverty 402 will contain all previous curricula with the idea of a zombie apocalypse occurring during the entire class. Survival and defensive weaponry will be emphasized greatly. Since our Bachelor’s Degrees won’t get us anywhere when you factor in the debt that said degree brings with it, Iowa State University has decided to best prepare its students for all avenues post-college. This course will prepare all alumni for worst-case scenarios after graduation. Though it isn’t Iowa State’s fault we need this class. It’s the economy and your budding alcoholism.
Oh, your look on the outside is delightful, but inside it’s so very frightful…
So, your professor’s finally put a name to that face.
Ladies, winter is no excuse for looking like…that.
see page 4
see page 9
see page 10
What It Really Feels Like
Hey, It’s That Guy!
You Look Like Hell
Table of > > >
contents
PAGE 4>>>
The Top Ten
PAGE 7 >>
My Love Affair With Angry Birds
page 14 >>
Oscar-Baiting
Now that’s bestiality, holmes.
We wondered what it’d be like if the best pictures of the year were pornos.
page 15 >>
The Taco Bell Challenge
PAGE 16 >>
The Internet is for Porno
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Things to See in Ames on the Weekend
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page three
pic of the week >>> want to win
a very harold and kumar christmas
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sorry bro
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Definition: A man’s inability to perform sexually in high-pressure environments. Wallace died a virgin because he suffered from impotense during the plane crash.
04
THe top ten
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Things to See in Ames on the Weekend 10) The obnoxiously huge group of girls walking from party to party: Don’t tell me you haven’t seen them out. You’ve noticed them. You’re forced to become the modern-day Moses, parting the Red Sea. Except this sea smells like Bacardi and a bad decision you once made. It also tends to whine when you separate it. You’re just trying to get to Welch. Don’t call them out on how big their group is, those beer wolves have way too many excuses. “Oh my gawd we’re best friends, we can’t leave anyone out!” Or the ever popular, “Oh my gawd, we’re just trying to keep each other warm!” Yeah. Get a couple close friends and party hop like a normal person. 9) Winter wipeouts: The beauty of these desolate winter months is the fact that we can blame our clumsiness on that DAMN ICE THAT CAME OUTTA NOWHERE. It had nothing to do with the bottle of Jack Daniel’s that now resides in your system. But the best part about seeing wipeouts? It’s always funny. I don’t care who you are. It is always funny. High heels and snow is a far worse mix than Hawkeye and Tampico, but do those high heel-clad ladies give a shit? Nope. They’ll trek through snow simply to prove a drunken point.
what it really feels like Merritt Rethlake wrote this It’s Monday. You get up at the ungodly crack of 10:30 a.m. Somewhere you find justification for a shower beer. You’re starting to feel somewhat ready for the day and decide to check the forecast online to see if that wind outside really is as threatening as it sounds. An image of a sun shines and smiles at you as it announces it’s a balmy 28 degrees in Ames today. Then you read the fine print: 28 degrees today, but with the wind chill and snow, it “feels like” -17. Suddenly that pixilated sun on your computer screen starts pointing and laughing you. Ha. Got you again, you climate cretin. But suppose we applied this “feels like” mentality to everything in life, not just the unpredictable weather. Would we better or worse off for knowing the truth? I suggest dressing in layers.
three years is crap. You see that big red F at the top of the page? That’s an F for, “WTF, I don’t care how many hours you spent working on this project. I don’t care how many all-nighters you pulled. I don’t care that this is your passion and the only thing you can imagine doing.” “Any questions about the next assignment?” “It’s just another hangover.” But it might “feel like” OH MY GOD I’M DYING. The chances of someone being able to prepare you for the morning after you drink vodka-infused beer and chasing shots of tequila with Franzia are very slim. The only thing carrying you through is knowing that you were the life of the party last night. But then you remember you were also the death of the party. At least you weren’t the one singing “Burn” by Usher at the top of your lungs. Wait…oh, God. This hangover just got ten times worse. Even champions of binge drinking need to get wake up from their hibernation of drunkenness. You either thought you were invincible when it came to drinking, or you were ignorant of the fact that the human body cannot undergo a 13-day bender And finally your body is forced to throw you a big fuck you. “It’s nothing. I just need to sleep it off.”
“It might ‘feel like’ a booty call... because that’s exactly what it is.”
“I think you’re really great, but this isn’t working for me anymore. I think we should break up and just be friends.” But it might “feel like” I just drop kicked you in the face. Oh, you have feelings? That’s only going to make this situation harder for you. Remember all those great times we had together? I don’t. The only thing I remember is checking out all your friends whenever we’d hang out. Oh, and that whole us being friends thing – that’s bullshit. I think I’m just supposed to say that when I dump you. It makes me seem like a decent person. Wanna break up bang? “It’s not you, it’s me.”
“Don’t take this grade on your paper personally. It’s my job as a teacher to help you become a better student and prepare you for the future!” But it might “feel like” I’m telling you to change your major to something you’re actually competent in. All the work you’ve done for the past
“I can’t sleep. Wanna come over and watch a movie? Or cuddle? Let’s just talk and hang out.” But it might “feel like” a booty call… because that’s exactly what it is. I mean, to an extent, it might feel like I’m using you. And also can you do me a favor and not tell anyone that we hung out? I just don’t like people butting in on my personal life, you know? It’s nothing against you. Can you come through the back door? It’s just… really icy in the front. I’m thinking about your safety. Wink face. Okay. Yes. You caught me. I’m using you. “Hey do you wanna bring some alc too?”
8) Backpacking through Campustown: Some of the manpacks I’ve seen on the weekends in Ames rival the size of those I saw while backpacking through Europe. You know what’s in those European backpacks? Life’s necessities. You know what’s in boy’s weekend backpacks? Life’s necessities. And the best part is that no one questions their manbags/satchels/purses/etc. Oh don’t worry, officer, I don’t have beer in this backpack. I’m transporting a litter of kittens to safety. 7) Out of place frat stars and GDIs: “Who do you know here?” becomes the immediate greeting as opposed to the usual, “Sup.” It’s a hostile environment, but it’s a staple in an Ames weekend. It’s where pastel polos clash with Cyclone shirts; Natty Light meets Keystone; dubstep meets country; and drunk girls… well, they’re still drunk no matter which set of guys they’re around. Beer pong between these groups becomes less of a friendly game and more of a test of survival of the fittest. Challenge accepted, brah. 6) The Wanderer: No one knows him. You see some kind souls lending a hand to him. You ask him where he’s been drinking tonight. He says on his way back from the liquor store. Does he go here? Does he have a name? Does he know where he is? He is a man of many mysteries. You kindly steer him away from the party you’re headed to and point him in a better direction – home. 5. The line at Superdog: On a good night, it extends past the keg shop. Superdog is your friend. It’s speedy, reliable, and fucking delicious. Cars zoom by you and drunk girls stumble over you, but you are determined to make it unscathed to that heavenly cart. You shake your head as the freshman in front of you whips out his debit card to pay for his savory snack. Finally your shining moment has come. You reach into your pocket, looking for those three crisp dollars. You’re a dollar short. You try “let’s make a deal” with the vendor, but to no avail. Better luck next weekend. Looks like it’s stale Jimmy John’s bread for you tonight. 4) Crying girls: Outside the bars, outside the frat castles, outside of apartments, just… outside. She’s dealing with deep, heart wrenching issues. Her best friend took the last pull of vodka while her boyfriend hugged another girl – right in front of her! As she wipes black tears off her face, you can’t help but feel sorry for her. Oh wait. Yes, you can. 3) Clarence and the other security guards: Our security guards truly set Ames apart. Where else can you find a uniformed man who will push the elevator buttons for you? Clarence held my beer once. And yes, he did give it back. I think we can all agree that those guys are just around for the party. 2) Freshman year reunion at Jeff’s: Jeff knows what’s up. For three bucks you get a slice of pizza the size of your face. Not to mention you’re bound to run into someone you’re genuinely pleased to see. Your freshman year roommate is there. She stole all your clothes and had sex in your bed, but you’re past that! It’s been a few years and this pizza is making everything better. You’re best friends now. Randos slide over in the awkwardly proportioned booths to make room for you under three conditions: one – you’re drunk. Two – you have your own slice of pizza. Three – you’re drunk. 1) Vast collection of Saturday morning treasures: Who needs Best Buy when you live at a party house? You’re never on short supply of cameras, phones or iPods if you live anywhere between Beach and Hunt. The plethora of winter coats and booze you accumulate will provide for warm winter hibernation. Then of course there are the random gifts – water bottles, Kum & Go receipts and Pita Pit wrappers. Don’t forget to include last night’s stories in this trove of morning treasures!
Merritt Rethlake wrote this
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My Love Affair With Angry Birds
adam carver wrote this
Please, whatever you do, don’t tell my girlfriend or my mother about this. They want so much for me to continue in college until I get my degree. Unfortunately, one extracurricular hobby is distracting me from the mountain of homework piling up beside my bed. That one thing is Angry Birds. I know there are hundreds of people at Iowa State University suffering from this same problem. Sleep, schoolwork, paying attention in class, all take a backseat to getting those elusive three stars from acing the next level. Those tricky green pigs (Can someone tell me why the hell they are green?!) end up in dreams of smartphone owners across the land. No longer do we count sheep, for we now count how many failed attempts of finishing the same level as 3:00 a.m. creeps up every night. This has got to stop. A video game on my phone should not get more of my attention than my girlfriend, porn or sleep (you know, the important things). I’ve tried twice before to quit my addiction to this simple game, but it didn’t take. I found myself suffering from severe withdraw. I started wishing I had the birds to knock over people and things that distract me from playing it more. I gave all the different pigs and birds names. If drug dealers could make and distribute something this addicting, I’d be living in the
gutter with the garbage and discarded flyers littering Campustown each weekend, begging for a phone charger. So this time around, I’m going to have supervised times playing Angry Birds. My hope is that I can finally beat this, or at the very least, maintain a functional existence with this burden. Once I’ve mastered this impossible task, I plan on having a booth at the next Clubfest on campus. All addicts, recovered or still in denial, can come together and beat the addiction of Angry Birds in a safe environment. We’ll start every meeting with a two-hour block of playing Angry Birds, then we’ll take roll call and exchange tips before we end up leaving for the night. It won’t be a perfect club, but at least that Hispanic kid that beat the game can show me how to get all the golden eggs. We’ll have refreshments and we’ll allow people to join and leave at their will. It won’t look all that impressive on a resume, sure, but tech-savvy employers will fist bump you as they turn you down for the position. In the meantime, if you have any tips or tricks to help me beat this game, I need to know. I haven’t slept more than 45 minutes a night since finals week last semester. I’m so addicted that drug addicts are calling me hooked. Writing this is so difficult because I just want to play Angry Birds. If
it was a girl, I’d run away with her and leave my girlfriend and my college life behind. It’s that embarrassing. Help me. I can only get 2 stars on this level that I’ve been stuck on for two weeks. My girlfriend has put out a missing persons report on me and my mom thinks my phone is lost somewhere because I never answer.
Someone you know is in love.
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hey, it’s that guy! iowa state staff wrote this
So you have the same professor for one of your classes that you had last semester. It was bound to happen eventually, so you’re all like, “no big deal.” Normally such would be the case, but if the class is small, and the professor has, let’s say, “quirks,” you’re in for an uncomfortable semester. Your first class with him was perfectly ordinary. You sat in the middle of the room so as to not draw attention to yourself, and good-naturedly chuckled at his jokes and longwinded anecdotes. He’d asked the students to call him by his first name, so you just avoided calling him by name at all because that would be weird. Then the semester ended and you collected your B and merrily skipped off home to Ickysmalltown, Iowa for winter break, not yet devoting any of your precious mental energy to thinking about next semester’s classes, because such thoughts might make you want to throw up your Christmas cookies. Now it’s February, though, and - after finally going to class after an extra month off - you have to think about it a little bit. You casually glance at your schedule on AccessPlus, but it means nothing yet. Then you have your first class with the repeat professor and he goes over the syllabus for three days. It’s at that point you realize this is the exact same class. Same basic content, same assignments, same anecdotes, and it feels like you’ve wandered into an episode of The Twilight Zone, except not, because it would be a really boring episode. It looks different, the class title is different, but your professor appears to have fallen into a pattern he can’t help but follow for every class he teaches. You find that you know the answers to all the questions he asks the class, because you’ve heard them all before and
have heard other people answer them, so you go ahead and answer one yourself. Big mistake. The next class you sit and politely wait for him to start class, and you see in your peripheral vision a pair of eyes upon you. You steal a glance towards the front of the room to see the professor staring at you intently. You jump a little bit in your seat and think, “Oh God, he’s recognized me.” It’s all over now. Your anonymity has imploded. You just had to sit near the front, didn’t you, and now you’re stuck there because everyone knows what happens if you take someone else’s seat. It creates a massive rift in the fabric of reality as everybody gets uprooted from their spot that has been taken by another and some poor international student that hardly speaks English is forced to take the last seat left in the very front and by the end of the semester will be a nervous wreck from always being called on to answer questions because he’s closest. Such a stupid New Year’s resolution, sitting in the front of every class. So now every class you reluctantly sit in your seat and your professor stares at you for a good five minutes, sometimes asking how you are today, coercing you into an awkward conversation. That wouldn’t be so bad if he didn’t then get the impression that you are an overly keen suck-up who magically knows all the answers and always does the assigned readings, out of loyalty to him. Curse your politeness to the very depths of hell. Soon he will call on you and you won’t know the answer, won’t even be able to bullshit your way out of it, and then the awkwardness will transcend levels previously thought unattainable. Now when he stares creepily you know he’s judging you. Life isn’t fair.
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Bartenderof the Issue
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Chris Jurrens - EsTas
Status: Taken Favorite Drink: Crown and Seven with lemon Who do you want to be your Valentine? Jackie Mu Describe your perfect V-Day Date? Nice dinner with Jackie Mu followed by getting wasted on Louis Tre
What’s the most dangerous thing you’ve ever done? Got into a fight in Mexico after being jumped, knocked a guy out and went to jail. There was shit smeared on the walls in that place, it was pretty bad What kind of pasta best describes you as a person? Chicken Carbonara, because I like saying “Carbonara”
Who’s the ugliest celebrity you’d date? Kirstie Alley
Last movie that made you cry? What Dreams May Come
Would you accept 1 billion dollars if it meant you could never have sex again? No, not worth it
A personal rule you never break? No eating mushrooms while bartending
What’s your favorite 1990s slang term? “Psych!”
Funniest thing you’ve seen on the job? Guys who came in on Halloween dressed as Weekend at Bernie’s and had the jukebox playing the theme song
If you could have a mythical creature as a pet, which creature would you choose? I would want a dragon
drinking game:
shot glass chess
Are you bored with regular, lowbrow drinking games? Are you tired of the simple-minded card-games the peons in the Liberals Arts department play? Are you waiting for something worthy of you, the most rare and elite of all intellectuals, The Engineer? Do you wish to combine the artistry and strategy of a thousand-year-old game with the depravity of college life? If so, this is the game for you. Number of Players: A minimum and maximum of two. What You Need: A chess board, 32 shot glasses, a handle of your favorite liquor, 2 different colored markers and a completely distorted sense of what actually constitutes a drinking game. Intoxication Level: Before you know it you and your partner will reach Bobby Fischer levels of anti-Semitism. No but seriously, if you’re not careful you could die. Alcohol poisoning is real, people! How to Play: - Mark the shot glasses before the game in order to distinguish between types of pieces (knights, kings, queens, pawns, rooks, bishops). - Mark the shot glasses to distinguish between your pieces and your opponent’s pieces (white and black). - Fill the shot glasses. - Place them on the board. - For the rest, see rules of chess. The Game Ends When: Either your partner forfeits or you checkmate the king. Have you really never played chess before?
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Anyone you want to give a shout-out to? Nick Martin
recipe for disaster:
diet hot dog It’s nature’s cruelest joke. You come home after a night of hardcore partying, starving, in desperate need of sustenance, yet you find your motor skills severely impaired. “If I can’t drive a car, how am I supposed to baste a turkey...” you hear yourself wonder aloud. Don’t worry, dear reader; we at The Black Sheep have a simple recipe just for you. What You Need: One hotdog, one piece of bread. Cook Time: 30 seconds. Let’s Get Baked: -Take one generic store-bought hot dog and place it directly on the microwave tray, no plate needed. -Take a piece of bread and place it in the toaster. -Take the toasted bread and, with a flourish, toss it into a nearby garbage can, BECAUSE CARBS ARE THE ENEMY. -Take the cooked hot dog out of the microwave and hold it with only your thumb and index finger in order to avoid suggestive images and nasty microwave burns. -Insert hot dog into mouth. -Repeat if necessary. With this recipe you will be slim and well-fed in no time – well not no time. As fast as it takes you to down a hot dog, which for some competitive eaters can really seem like no time.
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you look like hell
danielle levings wrote this
You look like hell. What, you think I’m kidding? Take a look at yourself. Sweatpants with an unidentified crusty stain on the front? Three-year-old, decomposing UGGS? Your exboyfriend’s sweatshirt, stained by your tears? Yes sweetheart, I am talking directly to you. It got cold and all of a sudden you thought no one would notice that you’ve stopped showering and stopped wearing deodorant. Maybe you pulled that shit on some rather unobservant people, but my keen eye zooms directly in on your hot mess of a presentation. Also, I can smell you. But I digress. You seem to be in some kind of rut. Whether it’s just that it’s cold as balls out, or you got dumped, or you have too much homework to sleep, something turned you into a sloppy train wreck. Frankly I don’t care what happened to you, but I do care about your immediate future. You need to get your shit together. I don’t claim to be an expert on life fixing, however I can at least make you look like you aren’t an unstable mess. First thing you have to do it change the shoes. People keep telling you that UGGS look horrible, and that’s a fact, however if they look new they can kind of be disguised as slippers under some jeans. Yours, my dear, are so scuffed and broken and stained that they barely pass as shoes. If you must wear boots, get some new ones. And don’t worry about the price tag associated with the name on the heel; all furry boots are EXACTLY THE SAME. Unless you get ones from some practical store like R.E.I., then they’re just awesome. I suggest getting some military boots and bedazzling the shit out of them, or spray painting them in neon colors. You’ll look fabulous and
fight the weather. Next, your clothes. The grey sweatsuit you’ve been rocking every 3 days isn’t cutting it. No, stop protesting, I don’t give a shit if it’s comfy. So is a bathrobe, but are you going to wear that in public? No, you are not. Now I hate jeans, so I had to come up with a solution to your problem: Athletic pants. They come in about 20,000 styles, and are properly fitted, so you don’t look like a lumpy paper bag. They are just as comfortable, I promise. As for a top, get a 1/4-length zip-up jacket in a stretchy material. Fits nice, breathes well, and actually shows that you have tits. Because that’s what really matters. The cherry on top of your transformation is a little thing called water. It comes from a showerhead and sprinkles all over your body. Combine it with some soap, and you actually smell nice for a change. Because eau de Courtney Love is not exactly appealing to anyone, ever. And for fuck’s sake try washing your hair. I know your poor follicles have probably started to naturally dread by now, but just get a bottle of conditioner and pour the whole damn thing on your head. Massage it into your hair like you would a penis, rinse, and voila! You look human again. Congratulations. It’s really not that hard to keep from looking like you stepped out of a wrestling dungeon after a two-hour practice. Just slap a smile on that face (even if you’re dead inside), run a comb through your hair, and try to look like you have some semblance of a human shape. Now go forth and be a champion!
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Unfiltered Friday • $5 Regular Nachos (2pm-7pm) • $3.50 Pints Blvd Wheat • $1.50 Keystone Light Draws (2pm 7pm) • $3.50 All Craft / Imports (7pm - 1am) Wing It Saturday • $0.59 Wings and Gizzards • $10 Domestic Buckets Sunday Funday • $5 Pound of Chicken • $7 Pitchers of Keystone Light (9pm- 1am) • $5 Bloody Mary Bar
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the entertainment page
oscar-baiting
cd review
On February 26th the 84th Academy Awards will light up television screens the world over. The show is little more than glorified masturbation, a group of people getting together to reassure one another of their awesomeness. But what if it really were an exercise in masturbation? Well, break out the lube, because we’re making us some pornos.
The Artist Porn Title: The Hardest Synopsis: A true masterpiece that harkens back to the days of silent smut, The Hardest features scenes shot in color, using only the finest interracial couples the adult film industry has to offer. This silent (perfect for young masturbators looking to avoid awkward parental questioning!) climaxes with Tyler Hardthrob vertically dancing the night away with newcummer Alice Wundersnatch.
Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close Porn Title: Scream Loud In Bed Without Clothes Synopsis: Set in a post-9/11 New York, this film features Tom Spanks and transsexual phenom Sandra Bullcock taking park in a series of sexual one-upmanship as they attempt to forget the suffering they endured as they watched those two long, hard towers cum tumbling down. You’ll be tearjerkin’ the night away!
Hugo Porn Title: Huge-O Synopsis: The son of a down-and-out urologist, Huge-O is destined for the life of a street rat. One day, though, the 13-year-old discovers masturbation for the first time. Content with a life of self-gratification, this bildungsroman chronicles Huge-O as he continues living life as a filthy homeless man, embarking on a series of masturbation fantasies that keep him warm at night when the newspapers stuffed in his coat cannot.
The Descendants Porn Title: The Jizz Scent Pants Synopsis: Fatt Thing is a Honolulubased lawyer whose life takes a turn for the worse when his cheating wife is left for dead after an intense gangbang. Unsure of who the culprit, Fatt is forced to repeatedly thrust himself into the dark kink underworld. Each wild ride leads him closer to the culprit, but also teaches him important lessons on female sexuality—lessons that could have saved his wife’s life.
The Help Porn Title: The Herp Synopsis: Jackin’, Mississippi sets the stage for Vagina “Skeetin’” Phelan’s daring escapades in a prim-and-proper pre-segregation southern city. Still a virgin, Skeetin’ (played by sensational starlet Emma Bone) begins writing a tell-all book about Jackin’s rampant herpes epidemic, which is rooted in the overly conservative school district’s lack of a proper sexual health curriculum. She chooses to contract the disease through a series of steamy lesbian encounters that burn harder than her soon-to-be-oozing sores.
Midnight in Paris Porn Title: Dick Tight in Pair of Tits Synopsis: Gil Bendher is an on-the-rise adult film star known for his ejaculatory prowess. He attempts to escape the temptations of fortune and fame in America by traveling across the pond to Paris, France. While there, Bendher accidentally enters a time-warp that brings him to the 1890s. Horny and alone, he quickly seduces a woman, but finds hygiene in the period wildly offensive. This epiphany allows him to see through the bushes, as he come to terms with his loads of fame, and being violently thrust into the spotlight.
out now
lana del rey Born to Die Lana Del Rey-ally wants to be something, but we won’t hold our breath.
I only started recently hearing about Lana Del Rey, as I’m sure you all have, after her supposedly “awful” SNL performance a few weeks ago. Naturally, I, as I’m sure some of you have, checked it out on YouTube and was puzzled by what everyone was so upset about. She’s a little awkward, sure, and could have maybe done more than just stand there so rigidly, but I think her voice is unique and that her music is kind of nice. It’s poppy without being annoying, soft without being depressing, and different in the sense that it’s catchy without being over the top. On the surface she appears extremely generic (her real name is Elizabeth Grant and she’s from upstate New York, for goodness sakes) and the chances of her becoming the next Robyn or Britney are slim, but her debut album Born to Die is not one to write off. The first half of Born to Die (so Gaga of her, right?) flows along like a perfect pop record; its catchy tunes are upbeat without being overbearing or sounding inauthentic. The first song “Born to Die” is a beautiful soft ballad that starts the album off upbeat and trancey, which I really liked. What I particularly enjoy about Del Rey are her lyrics. They aren’t particularly polished or original, but they are simple and relatable, which some might find “not creative/deep/ cool enough” but I find hilarious and authentic. In
Moneyball Porn Title: Moneyballs Synopsis: Billy Beanflicker thought he was living the dream. A male pornstar by 20, he retired at 24 after a freak accident left his boner permanently misshapen. He took a job as the Production Manager for the Cokeland V’s, a lesbian production company based out of northern California. Wary of the sky-high budgets of rival porn companies based out of L.A., Beanflicker assembles a rag-tag group of lipstick lesbos, turning a profit by filming them doing some of the most degrading things the creamscreen has ever seen.
GRADE B-
her song “Blue Jeans,” this white girl sings “You so fresh to death and as sick as cancer / You were sorta punk rock, I grew up on hip-hop.” Nothing quite like a subtle Jersey Shore reference to win over this reviewer— these lyrics show us that Del Rey is just a real 25-year-old girl. The second half of the album starts off with a seemingly “live” recording of The StarSpangled Banner; static interrupts with an old-timey news break and the song continues on, while the last four songs are, indeed, live, almost giving the feel of two completely different albums.
The Tree of Life Porn Title: The Skeet of Life Synopsis: Widely considered a pornographic opus fresh from the mind of adult film legend Terrence Paldick, The Skeet of Life dares to ask the question, “Are we all nothing more than man yogurt?” Paldick ruminates on this theme through a series of vignettes starring classically-trained adult actors Sean Pennis, Harry Oldmanballs and George C. Cock massaging their members to climax in ultra-slow motion. Run time: 6 hours.
So, love her or hate her, Lana Del Rey ain’t that bad. Maybe she wasn’t perfect during a live performance on a hugely popular television show, but neither were you when you had to give a 2-minute presentation on the migrating patterns of bottle-nosed dolphins and your palms were so sweaty you dropped your notes. But then again, I loved Ashlee Simpson back in the day (like, a lot) and we all know how she ended up on SNL. Oopsies.
War Horse Porn Title: War Whores Synopsis: Opening at the dawn of WWI, War Whores features screen legend Mata Whori as a proprietor of a small brothel in west France. Hell-bent on helping her country defeat the German menace, Whori uses her womanly wares, seducing young opposition officers, and arousing feelings of resentment (and boners) in anyone who willfully calls the evil Kaiser Drillthem II their Emperor.
Sounds Like: A more poppy Enya, though some may compare her to Tori Amos. Download: Blue Jeans, Born to Die, Video Games Listen to it When: You want to vibe out but not cry.
UPCOMING RELEASES Rodrigo y Gabriela - Area 51 Lamb of God - Resolution
Paul McCartney -Kissed on the Bottom Tim McGraw - Emotional Traffic
The Fray - Scars & Stories Gotye - Making Mirrors
Imperial Teen - Feed the Sound Leonard Cohen - Old Ideas
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Beat The Black Sheep:
The Taco Bell Challenge The Challenge
Ten crunchy tacos from Taco Bell, a stopwatch and a mean competitive streak. That’s all we had. That’s all you need. Can you beat us?
The Challenger
How fast can one man eat ten crunchy tacos from Taco Bell?
A 6’3”, 185lb male.
The Prediction
By Brendan
The Plan of Attack Um, to eat those tacos as fast as I possibly can.
I was relatively certain that I could finish all 10 tacos. Prior to the competition, I was hoping to complete the challenge in less than 10 minutes. Those that had witnessed me eat before were guessing in the 6-7 minute range.
The Retroactive Diary Taco 1 (17 seconds): I go down on this taco faster than a Skid Row whore who hasn’t had a fix in an hour. Seriously, count to 17. Can you eat a taco that quickly? It’s as though millions of tiny MSG particles cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced. Taco 2 (24 seconds): Watching myself inhale tacos on video, I feel an overwhelming sense of self-shame. You know how when you hear yourself on the phone you think, “there’s no way I sound like that.”? Now picture yourself spastically eating as fast as you can. Taco 3 (24 seconds): The amount of food falling out of my mouth is just…disgusting. Taco 4 (22 seconds): Before I begin this taco, a coworker ridicules me for not dousing my taco treasure in Fire Sauce. Clearly they do not understand that doing so would only add precious seconds to an incredibly time-sensitive challenge. Also: Fire Sauce sucks. There, I said it. Taco 5 (26 seconds): Somewhere in the middle of this taco I decide it’s time to take the first sip of my first drink. Diet Pepsi, of course, because I’m trying to lose weight with this challenge. Mostly by shitting my pants.
Taco 6 (28 seconds): After taking down the sixth taco before hitting the three minute mark, I’m 100% confident that I’ll demolish this challenge. It is not difficult. Taco 7 (27 seconds): I don’t really remember anything specific about this taco, but on the ride back with my food I saw a homeless child. I considered giving him one of my ten tacos. I did not, for the sake of the challenge. I still feel pretty bad about this. Taco 8 (24 seconds): I stab myself in the gums with a shard of taco shell. Honestly, that’s the hardest part of this challenge. When one is trying to shovel as much food into their pie hole as they can, injury can be expected. Taco 9 (26 seconds): At this point I’m not hungry, I’m not full, there’s not much left to the challenge and I’m just going as fast as I can to get the damn thing over with. Thank god third world countries have very limited access to the internet; this is gluttony at its finest, people. Taco 10 (31 seconds): Would a Taco Bell taco by any other name taste so distinctly of feet? Finally, YUM! Brand foods gets the best of me and I’m held to over 30 seconds on my final taco. Raucous applause fills the room as the crowd hails me as their new king. (Note: This does not happen.)
time: 5 minutes, 41 seconds The Aftermath
Honestly, eating that much Taco Bell wasn’t nearly as bad as we thought. As of this writing we’ve been digesting this future diarrhea for three hours and we don’t feel too bad. Sure, we’re a little gassy, but we expected to be moaning on the ground in throes of stabbing intestinal pain. The mental anguish, on the other hand, is pretty heavy. I just inhaled 1,700 calories in less than six minutes. And it’s not like I’ve even consumed high-quality food, the wet dog flavor never really escapes Taco Bell’s meat.
Are You In?
Think you can beat our time, tubby? Prove it. Tweet us at @theblacksheep99 with a link to a video of you mowing down on ten Taco Bell crunchy tacos. No exceptions. Do it, we’ll pop a picture of your bad, fat ass in the paper and send you a shirt. Yeah, we’ll even pay the postage.
Don’t Believe Us?
Well, we videotaped the whole thing. Visit us at theblacksheeponline.com and search “Taco Bell Challenge.” The video will be hosted there, haters.
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the internet is for porno
danielle levings wrote this
This age-old adage has been around since the beginning of the Internet. I am fairly certain that moments after Al Gore invented the magic happy place; he built a website full of naked pictures of busty women even before he created a search engine. But in this day of shiny new browsers and domains, porn on the Internet has become even more prevalent. For starters, there is a new domain that is required whenever one creates an explicit website: “.xxx”. Because I don’t do research and rely solely on tabloids and Perez Hilton for my knowledge, I’m making an educated guess and saying the main reason behind this new domain is angry parenting groups who don’t want their kids accidentally stumbling upon tittays. What if they were looking for a lemon cake and they thought lemonparty.org was a good source of recipes? You would get an eyeful of pain and suffering. For example, when I was 12 I was researching a medieval princess costume, and stumbled upon a porn site when I typed in medievaltimes.com instead of just Googling costumes. Stupid me, but I didn’t expect to see boobies on the Internet at age 12 (and remember, this was the 90s). So all in all I think that it’s actually a brilliant idea, however it makes searching for porn much more obvious than it was previously. Internet ads - though always annoying - have become much more sinister in recent years. You cannot go onto any website nowadays without seeing an ad soliciting for “dates”. And by dates, they mean sex. What, Joanna wants to chat with me? There are hot singles in my area? Awesome! No, it is not awesome, because it isn’t real. If it was that easy to get laid, no one would bother with dating or having actual feelings. But for some reason, dirty sites think that they can trick us into chatting with “19-year-old Christina, who’s ready to have some fun!” when really it’s 42-year-old Jordan, getting his jollies from fucking with horny college kids. But the most blatant statement on the relevance of Internet pornography came with
a little browser called Google Chrome. Although it is an awesome web browser filled with wondrous goodies, it also has a hidden component: Incognito Window. Never heard of it? Merely click the “file” tab and find this glorious gem hidden amongst its more regular companions. Now what does this gift from Google do? Anything you view in Google Incognito does not appear in your browser history, and cookies won’t be saved. Basically, no one but you will know what you browsed whilst in undercover self-lover mode. I am wholly convinced that this addition was made strictly for porn. It’s just too perfect; most people erase their browser history after looking at naughty bits anyway, so why not make it a built in feature? Then, your parents or overbearing girlfriend or nosy roommates won’t be able to find out what a sick fuck you really are! Now I’m not getting all preachy on you, I don’t care what you do in your free time. In fact, it’s good to get off at least once a day for endorphin release. So have at it, and be sure to utilize your newfound information to be even more of a sneaky motherfucker than you already are.
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the riddle
Think you know the answer? Send your guess to riddle@theblacksheeponline.com and if you're right, you might win something sweet. No... something AWESOME! Okay, it might just be sweet.
the crossword: animal mascots
10 11 12
E M F R O G
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answers >> Down The mascot for this insurance company got his degree from Oregon. 2 A grrrrrreat way to give your children type 2 diabetes (3 Words) 3 80's dog shilling Bud Light, photographer totally makes sense. (2 Words) Julie 4 Vujnovich A beer mascot that can drink West Towne Pub Creamery Outlaws John’s Natural like a horse. Kosama cartoonist Clear Channel Welch Ave The Grove Sips Foods 5 A fabric softener bear, aptly US Bank Pizza Pit Hunsinger PropPattie’s Kill N Time Danielle Hernandez called this. DG’s Tap House Jeff’s PIzza erties Family Video Studio Old Maine BrewHeadliners for West Side Wings Cyclone Liquor ALL Greek 7 director This Linux penguin is dressed campus ing Company Planned Parent- anytime fitness AJ’s Market Houses! a formal event. Brendan Bonham The Corner hood bob buys books Culver’s Bins Around 8 He's a tired mascot, but not as Pocket Studio X black market Tom’s Barber Campus! Hair Mechanics Sargaent Peppizza Shop Brick Stone tired as those damn cavemen. Twitter Project 20 pers romantix His/Her’s Hair Legacy @TBS_IowaState 9 This tall toy 20(Restaurant pusher can reach Northwest Cafe Es Tas Saloon Welch Crown the top shelf ofSide) the Legos. Coldstone Cy’s Roof New Rock 105.1 MORE! Facebook 10 Yo quiero shitting my pants. (3 The BlackWords) Sheep at14 IowaHow State many licks does it take him Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or to get to the The center of your under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and mom? (2 Words) Questions? does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. The content does not 15 These animals hawked a of the staff, it is for entertainment purposes only. Please drink... always reflect the views info@theblacksheeponline.com responsibly and legally. 3-syllable beer. 1
Meet The Staff!
distribution Manager Shane Small Marketing Team Lauren Etscheidt Lauren Lynch Writers Adam Carver Chris Biagini Danielle Levings Merritt Rethlake Molly Carpenter Emily Ergenbright Liz Alley Leanna Hasenmiller
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17) Their Coca-Cola will surely be cold. (2 words) 18) He’s addicted to Smack(s). (2 words) DOWN: 1) The mascot for this insurance company got his degree from Oregon. 2) A grrrrreat way to give your children type 2 diabetes. (3 words) 3) 80’s dog shilling Bud Light totally makes sense. (2 words) 4) A beer mascot that can drink like a horse. 5) A fabric softener bear, aptly called this. 7) This Linux penguin is dressed for a formal event. 8) He’s a tired mascot, but not as tired as those damn cavemen. 9) This tall toy pusher can reach the top shelf of the Legos. 10) Yo quiero shitting in my pants. (3 words) 14) How many licks does it take him to get to the center of your mom? (2 words) 15) These animals hawked a 3-syllable beer.
class tim e
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A F 2 3 L T S 4 5 A C O P S 6 7 C H A R L I E T U N A U N 8 Y U Y G D U D X T E S G E H C M G N S A M E K A L 12 D T J O E C A M E L A I K L G E N E R G I Z E R B U N N Y R Z 14 15 M I F 17 U K E P O L A R B E A R O O W G L S
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G 10 E T 11 T O U C A F C F O E B 13 R E Y L L 16 D O G
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across: 6) The Always Sunny wild card would enjoy this chicken of the sea. (2 words) 11) A rainbow-bleaked sugar high waiting to happen. (2 words) 12) Can he get hump cancer? (2 words) 13) When it humps, it just keeps going and going and going. (2 words) 16) John Wayne nicknamed dog loves baked beans. D I
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the clues Across 6 The "Always Sunny" wild card would enjoy this chicken of the sea. (2 Words) 11 A rainbow-beaked sugar high waiting to happen. (2 Words) 12 Can he get hump cancer? (2 Words) 13 When it humps, it just keeps going and going and going. (2 Words) 16 John Wayne nicknamed dog loves baked beans. 17 Their Coca-Cola will surely be cold. (2 Words) 18 He's addicted to Smack(s). (2 Words)
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Down 1 The mascot for this insurance company got his degree from Oregon. 2 A grrrrrreat way to give your children type 2 diabetes (3 Words) 3 80's dog shilling Bud Light, totally makes sense. (2 Words) 4 A beer mascot that can drink like a horse. 5 A fabric softener bear, aptly called this. 7 This Linux penguin is dressed for a formal event. 8 He's a tired mascot, but not as tired as those damn cavemen. 9 This tall toy pusher can reach the top shelf of the Legos. 10 Yo quiero shitting my pants. (3 Words) 14 How many licks does it take him to get to the center of your mom? (2 Words) 15 These animals hawked a 3-syllable beer.
class tim e
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