Iowa State - 12/1/11 - v01i06 by The Black Sheep

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The Fun and Games Finals Issue

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i RIX s n T

I MA DE f f T UI

e RTA DAY S, Q E! h t TE LI IB OR tu MENIFT G ZZES S r IN G UI

O DL M H - MA ND A -

A SPECIAL

THANK Pizza Pit & Welch Ave. Station -- Great things go great together!

YOU FROM US Pizza Pit & Welch Ave. Station - An Ames Tradition!

Why hello there, As you read this to kill some time between classes, or to avoid the inevitability of your own semester-long failures, or to keep yourself entertained while your significant other talks about who knows what (we’re guessing the Kardashians or Fantasy Football), just know that it’s appreciated. You see, this issue closes out our first semester here at Iowa State, and frankly we’ve had a blast. While we can assure you that pumping out dick jokes and poop jokes issue after issue is hard work, we’re honored to have the opportunity to publish something we’re ostensibly very proud of. Like anything we’re trying for the first time there’s been ups and downs, (like sex!) some awkward, uneasy moments (like sex!) and way, way too much crying (like clown sex!), but the end result is always worth the pain. That said, we couldn’t have done any of it without wonderful readers like you, and our great advertisers who support us. You, dear reader, laugh at our bad puns. When something genuinely amuses you, you show a friend. She shows a friend, who shows a friend, who shows a friend, and in no time we have mad traction and strong word-of-mouth. You’re the dude who wakes up, decides to ditch class, and instead chooses to check out one of our advertisers. Basically—and this is no bullshit—you’re the reason this paper exists. With that in mind, we’d love to hear some feedback from you. We’ll be starting up just in time for spring semester, and we’d like you to let us know what tickled your fancy, just so we know we’re on the right track. Or, if you want to just write us some violent and vulgar hate mail, you’re welcome to do that. We get very lonely, you see. Again, let us know how you feel, baby. Shoot us a line at vcu@theblacksheeponline.com, let us be a part of your lives. WHY WON’T YOU LET US LOVE YOU? Sorry, we just miss you already. Thanks again, -The Black Sheep

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Page three

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! s m a r g a n A y Sex

Can you guess these hotties?

Send your answers to celebs@theblacksheeponline.com

The first 5 right answers win prizes!

Word of the week Preprosperous:

Czar Shank Em

Ready Mom No

Submit your own word! word@theblacksheeponline.com

Definition: The generally broke nature of a college student. “Yeah, I’m gonna make so much bank when I grow up, but I’m drinking Colt 45 because I’m really preprosperous right now.”

Are you Smarter Than?

The scoreboard:

4 katie’s score

Katie Burney

katie's answers

Vice President of the Supply Chain Management Club By: Merritt Rethlake 1) Clayton Kershaw is this year’s recipient of the Cy Young Award. Which national league team does he play for? 2) Nashua, New Hampshire recently hosted which 2012 Presidential Candidate? 3) Who was the first person to claim the Earth revolves around the sun?

4) What is the name of the coach charged with sexual assault at Penn State? 5) Before becoming founder of the Foo Fighters, Dave Grohl was the drummer for which band? 6) Which celebrity was recently found not to be 20-year-old Mariah Yeater’s baby daddy?

madlib: 1. farm animal 2. crappy campus hangout 3. verb 4. verb ending in –ed 5. item 6. place 7. negative emotion 8. verb 9. number 10. high number 11. sexual verb 12. name of an ex 13. emotion 14. verb 15. common phrase

16. characteristic 17. verb 18. popular restaurant in Ames 19. food served at 18 20. verb ending in –ed 21. derogatory term 22. emotion 23. verb ending in –ed 24. derogatory term 25. friend’s name 26. bodily function 27. verb

your score

7) How many feet are in one mile? 8) Which economist came up with the “invisible hand” theory? 9) What is the most common spoken language in the world? 10) What are the first five amendments of freedom?

1) Cardinals 2) Romney 3) Newton 4) Sandusky 5) Nirvana 6) Justin Bieber

7) 520 8) Karl Marx 9) English 10) Press, Speech, Religion, Assembly…

correct answers: 1) Dodgers 2) Cain 3) Galileo 4) Sandusky 5) Nirvana 6) Justin Bieber

7) 5280 8) Adam Smith 9) Mandarin Chinese 10) Press, Speech, Religion, Assembly, Petition

first date horror story My date last night was a total ____1____. First he took me to ____2____, which he must have thought was romantic. I was hoping we could ____3_____ to Cinemark to catch a movie after but instead we just _____4_____ the bag at a party. And I had to buy my own ____5____! He tried to take me to his ____6____ and when I said “no” he was ____7____.Who does he think he is that he could make me ____8____ him!? I need at least ____9____ drinks before that happens. I wouldn’t go on another date with him in ____10____ years! After he tried to ____11____ I walked downstairs and saw ____12____. It was so ____13____ I started crying. He gave me a _____14_____ and told me _____15_____. I couldn’t believe it! Who knew ex-boyfriends could be so ____16____. Anyway, I tried to ____17____ home and ended up at ____18_____. I decided I’d grab some _____19____ before I went back. When I was walking out I ran into my date again and he ____20____ at me and called we a ____21____. I was so _____22____ that I ____23____ him. What a ____24____! When I finally got home ____25____ was ____26____ in the bathroom so I had to take care of her for the rest of the night. Bet you can’t ____27____ that!

Handcrafted Entrees Fresh Brewed Beer Specials

Tues: $4 Pitchers Wed: $1 Pints Thur: $2 Wells, $5 Growler Refills

C I S U M E V LI ! Y L K WEE

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cAN YOU SOLVE THE RIDDLE?

Figure out the question, get the right answer, first 10 win a prize! riddle@theblacksheeponline.com

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Landing some ho-ho-hos

Hey there all you desperate singles!

The holiday season is approaching quickly and no one wants to spend the cold winter nights drinking eggnog alone in their depressing apartment reflecting on an equally depressing Cyclone football season (aside from the game). So it’s time to hit up Speed Dating! However, why not try something new? Maybe the Student Activities Center will put a new seasonal spin on it! Let’s combine the awkward act of speed dating with the much loved holiday tradition of sitting on Santa’s lap. Picture this new scenario for a moment. The room is cheerfully decorated in ribbons and tinsel and perhaps a little bit of that green, naughty leafy decoration, mistletoe. One can only hope that the minions in charge of setting up this event will be dressed as festive elves (Santa’s Little Helpers, if you will). The girls show up in their favorite holiday cocktail dress with high hopes (and high heels) of meeting the man of their dreams. Men, you need to wear a Santa suit. Make sure the suit is red, trimmed with fur, and don’t forget that sexy, polyester Santa hat! Also, be sure to wear your snowiest white beard. The room is full of holiday cheer and sexual tension. What a perfectly awkward setting! When the matchmaking begins, forget being separated by those little tables that nobody can fit into. Just make your-

Adam Carver wrote this

self comfortable on Santa’s lap. Ladies, you’ll know pretty quickly if he’s interested in you by how high you’re raised after you sit down. Be sure to tell him what you want for Christmas in your most seductive, yet mysterious voice.

So there you have it! This Santa Speed Dating is the perfect solution to the awkward alternative. See? The transition from awkward to warm and fuzzy was so easy! In addition, the reasons that this solution is so much better are so blatantly obvious. Men, it levels the playing field. Hey there, Buddy. Are you not much of a looker? With a Santa beard, you look just as good as any other guy desperately searching for “The One” in this relationship-infested society! The Looks Factor has essentially been removed! Plus, who really doesn’t love Santa? He’s not a creepy old perv, he’s just jolly and loving (like your potential speed-dater-man). Not to mention, this one doesn’t have little girls waiting in line to tell him about the Barbie they want for Christmas. Oh no. This one has 100 other desperate women wanting his attention. Speaking of jolly, this alternative to regular speed dating is that it get’s you in the spirit, the Holiday Spirit that is. What a festive loving-giving season! And finally, I don’t need to tell you that the costume will come in handy later if you’re into roll-playing... Okay, so maybe you’re not into this idea. Who’s to say it’s

Someone you know needs affordable birth control.

useless until you actually try it? Let’s see if the Student Activities Center takes this into account and gives it a whirl. With luck, you’ll be able to come out of this event with a sexy Santa of your very own, or at least a phone number. But everyone knows the downfall of starting to date someone right before Christmas; you have to find the perfect Christmas gift for them. (Digression: Try getting them a pair of American Flag pants. No one dislikes those.) So good luck and be horny…I mean merry!

Visit us before winter break to stock up on supplies! We’re here for you with: Birth Control STI Testing & Treatment Annual Exams

Gardasil ® Vaccine HIV Testing Emergency Contraception

2530 Chamberlain St. | Ames www.ppheartland.org | 1.877.811.7526

HOLIDAY ENTERTAINMENT MATRIX . bloWin’ uP

amy WinEhousE lionEss - hiddEn TrEasurEs

War horsE

nEW yEars EvE

lamE

chEvillE - haTs off To ThE bull

WE boughT a zoo

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modErn WarfarE 3

. . .

T-Pain - rEvolver

ThE girl WiTh ThE dragon TaTToo

. ThE rooTs - undun

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ThE black kEys El camino

WWE ‘12

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ThE siTTEr

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cool

TinkEr Tailor soldiEr sPy

www.theblacksheeponline.com

quiz: hey guys, what's your dating style?

1) You’re at a party and immediately start hitting it off with a “10.” What’s your next move? a) The only logical next step is moving around the party to see how many other PSP (potential slam pieces) you can pick up. b) Stay chatting! If all goes well, there will be a new contact in your phone by the end of the night and a date in your planner by the end of the week. c) Follow them around the entire night. Your mom always told you persistence pays off. 2) You’ve got a first date tonight. What’s your go-to date plan? a) Can’t go wrong with dinner and a movie. Food, entertainment, physical contact – perfect combination for a first date. b) Shower them with gifts, blindfold them until you get to the destination, and tie them to the table at dinner so they can’t get away. c) Panera. And on the way there make sure you hit ‘em with the Michael Buble and John Mayer mixtape. 3) It’s Monday night and you’ve already committed to a study date

with a girl, but the Packers are playing the Bears. How do you get out of the studying? a) Easy. When it comes to girls, the phrase “already committed” is not even in your vocabulary. You’re in the clear, but you text her sporadically to play off that you’re still “thinking” about her. b) Compromise. Try to find a way to watch the game and study at the same time, or tell her you’ll catch up with her later and that you owe her big time. c) You could care less about the game. You’ve been prepping for the study date for the last six hours by sharpening pencils, color coordinating her highlighters, and writing motivational love notes for her.

4) You’re at her door after a great first date. Your first kiss goes something like… a) Your tongue finds her tonsils and you make enough noise to wake up her neighbors. b) Keep it simple and sweet. You’ve already made plans to hang out again so you know you’re guaranteed for some action later on. c) Lightly touch her face and move her hair out of her eyes. Quote something

from The Notebook then kiss her on the top of the head. 5) You’re leaving a restaurant with your woman when you run into a rather recent ex. How do you handle the awkwardness? a) Politely say hello, introduce them, then get the hell out of there. b) Make them talk until they become friends. One of your fantasies could be coming true right before your eyes. c) Grab your date, throw her over your shoulder, and run away screaming in Latin. Then act like nothing happened once you’re back in the car. 6) You get a text saying “we need to talk…” How do you react? a) Text her back and figure out when you can meet up. There’s no use avoiding this situation. It’s just gonna bite you in the ass later. b) Immediately undergo a panic attack and start sweating profusely. c) Sigh and take a few shots of SoCo before you head out to meet her. It’ll make the conversation go more smoothly and if you’re lucky, you might be able to forget the talk entirely.

7) Christmas, your anniversary, and her birthday are all within two weeks of each other. What’s the gift plan? a) Toss a gift card in an envelope. “But babe, you LOVE the University Bookstore!” b) Buy her one nice thing and go to her friends for craft ideas (hopefully that they’ll help you make) for the rest of the presents. c) Finally show her the shrine you’ve been working on for the last five months. Then convince yourself that her covering her eyes is a good thing. If she starts crying, recite that 1,200-line poem you wrote for her in Old English.

8) You’ve been dating for a few months, and you’re starting to lose interest. How do you break things off? a) Lose interest? Are you kidding?! She’s your soul mate, and you’re going to continue to sneak into her room at night even if she dumps you. b) “It’s not you, it’s me. I hope we can still be friends.” Then you change her name in your phone to “don’t call this crazy bitch” c) Be honest without being an ass. Make sure she’s okay and then move on with your life to the next best thing.

Results 8-13 Points: Off-the-Chart Clinger You’re creepy as hell. Women are confusing and cause problems, but blindfolds and shrines are not the solution. Spiking her drink won’t get her to like you. Leave her cup alone. They’re called Solo cups for a reason. 14-20 Points: Typical College Dater You’re trying to maintain some sort of committed relationship while still having fun and trying to keep to a budget. You date girls – sometimes she turns out to be awesome, sometimes she turns out to be a raging bitch. But that’s what college is for! Dating around to find what you like. 21-24 Points: Don’t Hate the Player Or do. You’ve worked your routine so many times that you can’t even tell when you’re spittin’ mad game anymore. You say all the right things at exactly the right time, and Vertical Horizon couldn’t be more proud. Dating is a game, and you’re the champ. Just keep in mind, bitties talk. And sometimes you’re the not so hot topic.

answers

1: a) 3 b) 2 c) 1 2: a) 2 b) 1 c) 3 3: a) 3 b) 2 c) 1 4: a) 1 b) 2 c) 3

5: 6: 7: 8:

a) a) a) a)

2 2 3 1

b) b) b) b)

3 1 2 3

c) c) c) c)

9) Where our president lives. 10) A week-long, annual, campus-wide party in the spring. 11) This is the street you are most likely to go bar hopping on. 12) A man-made creek that runs through campus. 13) Don’t walk across this unless you want to fail your next test. 14) This is what we went by before we were the Cyclones.

answers:

cyride cy hilton coliseum farm house jack trice campanile memorial union

8) lake laverne 9) the knoll 10) veishea 11) welch ave 12) college creek 13) zodiac 14) cardinals

1) If you don’t have a car, this will drive you around. 2) He is our beloved mascot. 3) This building needed two floors after the 2010 floods so our basketball team would have a place to practice. 4) This is the oldest building on campus. 5) The name of ISU’s first African American football player. 6) Couple come here at midnight for make-out sessions. 7) Go here for the bookstore, food court, campus events, or just hanging out. 8) Here’s where to go to see swans on campus.

1) 2) 3) 4) 5) 6) 7)

questions:

All About Iowa State Crossword

1 3 1 2

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Get a 16in two topping pizza and a 14in Smotharella Sticks for only $21.95!

Bacardi Dance Party 9-12 = $3 Bacardi drinks (Bacardi, Bacardi Limon, Bacardi O, Bacardi Razz) 12-close = $3 Redbull Vodkas

SUN

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Happy Hour Tuesday - Saturday!

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MON

Monster Monday $1 Off Monster Drinks & Bombs

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TRASH CAN NIGHT $1 Cans of PBR and BUSCH LIGHT!

TUES

$2 Captain Morgan Drinks

$1 Off Micro Bottles $2 Captain Morgan

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THIRSTY PITCHER NIGHT $5 Fishbowls of Any Mixed Drink $4 Pitchers of Domestic Beer

WED

Happy Hour Prices on Pitchers All Day and Night!

$1 Off Pints of Olde Main Brews $4 Monkey Bombs

Triple Play! 2 12in one-topping pizzas and a 12in Smotharella Sticks and a 2lt soda for only $18.95!

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Biggest NYE Party in Ames! Over $500 in Prizes and Great Music All Night!

WED: Pint Night: $1.25 Pints/Bottles of Olde Main, Boulevard, Bud, Miller, Coors, & PBR $2 Pints/Bottles of all other Beers! Free pool until 8

White Trash Wednesday $2 Tatertot Casserole $2 Spam Sandwiches (7-10pm) $2 PBR and Keystone from 7p-midnight

SPECIAL NIGHT

$1.00 Drinks til Midnight

Top Shelf Night 140 Different Liquors ALL $2.50 Single or $4.75 Double ALL Pints/Bottles $2.50 or Less 16oz Domestic Draws $1.50 16oz Well Drinks $2.50

2-Fer Thursday! 2-fer Wells (9PM-1AM) $2.50 Domestic Draws 11PM-1AM

THURS

$3.00 Captain and Coke

$3 Long Islands 2.75 Daiquiris $4.50 Pissed-off Japanese Minnow Farmers

Unfiltered Friday! $5 Regular Nachos & $1.50 Draws and Keystone Lt. (2PM-7PM) $3.50 Craft and Import Bottles (7PM-1AM) $3.50 Blvd. Wheat

FRI

$3.00 Jack Daniels

Happy Hour Specials until 8pm $2.75 Margaritas $2.50 Bloody Mary’s $2.50 Domestic Pints Checkout our FB page for the secret phrase and get half off your first drink!

Wing It Saturday! $0.59 Traditional or Boneless Wings & Gizzards $10 Domestic Buckets

SAT

Closed

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Sunday Funday! $5 for 1lbs. Chicken Legs $7 Keystone Lt. Pitchers (9PM-1AM) $5 Bloody Marys 9-1

SUN

$20 Union Sign Up (Save $10!)

Closed

$5 Pitchers $2.25 Jack Daniels Free pool after the Monday night pool league

Matamaros Monday $4 Margaritas (2pm - 7pm) $5 Pork Fajitas $11 Buckets (Dos XX, Corona, Landshark)

MON

$4 Pitchers 6-close

$2 Wells and Draws of Domestic Beer $3.50 Bombs

Free Pool (open to close) $3 Martinis (ANY vodka, ANY gin) $4.75 PBR Pitchers $2.25 Coronas or Red Stripes

Karaoke Tuesday (9PM-1AM) $1 Tube Shots $5 (8) Boneless Wings $2.25 Spiced Rum and Pepsi

TUES

$0.50 Drinks til Midnight

Pint Night: $1.25 Pints/Bottles of Olde Main, Boulevard, Bud, Miller, Coors, & PBR $2 Pints/Bottles of all other Beers Free pool until 8

White Trash Wednesday $2 Tatertot Casserole $2 Spam Sandwiches (7-10pm) $2 PBR and Keystone Tallboys from 7p-1AM

WED

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Happy Hour 4 - 6! $2.25 Pints & Wells $1 off wine $2 off appetizers Happy Hour 4 - 6! $2.25 Pints & Wells $1 off wine $2 off appetizers Watch Every Game with NFL Sunday Ticket and Happy Hour All Day! $2.25 Pints & Wells $1 Off Wine | $2 Off Appetizers

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the ultimate at-home drinking game

One of the worst things about being at home is the inability to booze whenever you please. But have no fear, for obviously The Black Sheep is here to give you an entertaining and easy way to get your drink on during any of the many awkward times you spend at home. So grab a fifth and a flask, because you're about to get drunk (again).

on the car ride home

when decorating for the holidays...

Take a drink when you get a text from a high school buddy asking about your plans over break. Take a drink every time you hit repeat on your iPod. Take a drink every time you check Twitter on your phone. Take two drinks every time your parents ask you about your GPA this semester. Take two drinks every time your mom comments on your appearance. Take two drinks for every half-hour you're in the car. Take three drinks for every awkward silence. Take five drinks when you realize you left your phone at school.

Take a drink every time your cat starts eating the tinsel. Take a drink for every ornament you break. Take two drinks for every stocking you hang. Take three drinks every time you untangle a string of lights. Take three drinks every time you get on a ladder. Take three drinks for every time your dad drops an f-bomb while putting up the Christmas lights. Take five drinks every time your mom tears up during "Little Drummer Boy." Take ten drinks if you put up a huge inflatable decoration.

while celebrating the holidays with your family

while last minute shopping

Take a drink for every gift you guess incorrectly. Take a drink for every pair of socks or underwear you get. Take a drink every time someone tells a story starting with "When I was in college..." Take a drink every time you catch someone feeding the dog. Take a drink for every National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation reference your dad makes. Take two drinks every time you catch the cat messing around in the Christmas tree. Take two drinks every time grandma notes how old you look. Take three drinks every time someone asks you how the service you didn't go to was. Take three drinks for every gift you receive that still has the clearance price tag on it. Take four drinks every time a relative retells a story. Take four drinks every time your 17-year-old cousin successfully sneaks wine. Take four drinks every time your parents jokingly mention Santa and think you're still amused. Take five drinks for every time your mom raises her voice. Take five drinks every time a new course is served. Take ten drinks every time someone mentions that you're single or asks when you're going to start having babies. Take ten drinks if grandpa passes out before 2 p.m.

Take a drink for every drunk Salvation Army bell-ringer you see. Take a drink for every time you move a space in any given line. Take a drink every time you buy something for yourself. Take two drinks for every time an overweight woman nudges you then glares at you. Take two drinks every time you start sweating. Take three drinks when you see an elf touch himself wrongly. Take three drinks for every item you're looking for that's out of stock. Take five drinks for every screaming, crying and generally unhappy baby you see on Santa's lap.

On new year's day Take a drink for every bad decision you made. Take a drink for every episode of a T.V. marathon you watch. Take a drink for every tagged picture from last night. Take a drink for every butt slap or fist pound you see during the football games. Take two drinks every time you choke back vomit. Take two drinks every time you actually get off the couch. Take three drinks every time you get a glass of water. Take eight drinks every time you change your resolution.

the top ten

ways to swear in a paper Swearing is awesome. It’s the first amendment on steroids. But when it comes to papers for class, those oh-so-harsh words are often left on the cutting room floor. Well, not anymore! The Black Sheep is here to give you the ways to circumvent censorship. Below are the top 10 ways to get away with swearing in a paper. 10) Put it in there anyway. Teachers should understand that only one word works sometimes. You have to grab them by the throat with your paper. If you don’t, the terrorists win. And as students, it is our goal everyday to make sure the terrorists don’t win and take over the beer pong tables. So just write it down. Fuck it. It’s not like they are going to read it anyway. 9) Substitute what you want to say with Kevin Bacon’s name. Because really, tell me who would turn down a person who says “I wanna Kevin Bacon you so hard right now!” No one with a soul could say no to that. He’s a brilliant actor and an American icon. 8) Censor it with asterisks. Use an unusual amount to confuse the reader. Can you think of what ******** could be? I can’t either. But it sounds really angry and mysterious. Putting 3 or 4 gives it away, make that tenured professor Mad-Lib your paper. If you feel asterisks are too cliché, add a random letter between them. ***f****t* makes no sense at all, but it is obviously offensive in every way, otherwise it wouldn’t be censored. 7) Put it in quotes. Journalists recognize that swearing in quotes is used to show the extreme nature of a phrase or word. Plus, quotes elevate it to even more interesting levels. Calling a historian a “bastard” is so much more than him simply being a bastard. The quotes make him a special type of bastard. 6) Codswalloping pintthrusting matador. Ok, so it doesn’t have to be exactly that, but sometimes you are just so frustrated that words fail you. So, don’t use words. Just throw a bunch of things together and make it sound insulting. It may confuse some, but you’ll know, and then you’ll be better than those who don’t. 5) Throw something heavy at the person you’re talking to. Get’s the point across pretty clearly, I’d say. Unfortunately, that doesn’t always work. If you can’t actually do that, find a way to do that with your words. Using caps for an entire paragraph usually gets that across.

enjoy our great specials

all holiday season! Matamoros Monday • $4 Margaritas (2pm -7 pm) • $11 Buckets of Corona, Dos Equis and Landshark • $5 Pork Fajitas Karaoke Tuesday (9pm - 1am) • $5 for 8 Boneless Wings • $1 Tube Shots and $2.25 Spiced Rum & Pepsi White Trash Wednesday • $2 Tatertot Casserole & $2 Spam Sandwiches (7-10pm) • $2 PBR and Keystone (7p-1am) 2FerThursday • 2fer Wells (9-1am) • 2fer Pork Tenderloins • $2.50 Domestic Pints (11p-1a)

Unfiltered Friday • $5 Regular Nachos (2pm-7pm) • $3.50 Pints Blvd Wheat • $1.50 Keystone Light Draws (2pm 7pm) • $3.50 All Craft / Imports (7pm - 1am) Wing It Saturday • $0.59 Wings and Gizzards • $10 Domestic Buckets Sunday Funday • $5 Pound of Chicken • $7 Pitchers of Keystone Light (9pm- 1am) • $5 Bloody Mary Bar

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Spacious Interio r

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4) Mention body parts instead, like tits. Alright, so I know boobies are generally a good thing. But tits has such harsh consonants, and also refers to sex, so why shouldn’t it make a great substitute expletive? 3) Pick an extremely politically correct synonym. Instead of calling some deserving woman the title of bitch, aim for something painstakingly restrained that gets your point across. Call her a self-absorbed-woman-too-focused-on-her-own-lifeto-care-about-others. This not only shows that the woman is a piece of work, but it also heavily pads your word count. Not that The Black Sheep would ever endorse such a thing. 2) Substitute the name of a food for the word you wish to use. My personal favorite is “Sweet Onion Teriyaki” though I have been known to use just about any food I see as a swear word. For example, “What the cranberry sauce are you getting at Phil?” 1) Misspell it. Sure, you may lose a point or get a notation, but fcuk is noticeable enough to get your point across. Sometimes, it’s worth the demerit to get that little fcuk in there.

Adam Carver and Danielle Levings wrote this

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holiday gift guide 2011 Under $25Gift Packages!

MotorolaA

The Party Person - For the person who deadpans “What do you mean you can’t go out? It’s Monday! Coconut Water ($3) - If you don’t drink when you wake up, how are you supposed to drink all day? Sleep Mask ($6) - For when you forget to turn off the strobe light. Glitter ($0.77) - It’s important to look faaaaaaaaabulous. 6 Custom Beer Pong Balls ($14) - People are going to know you mean business.

The Designated DriverAlso known as your own personal guardian angel. Febreeze ($4) - Yes, there’s puke. But also sweat and pee and blood. This car is more disgusting than an army hospital. Barf Bag 5pk ($6.50) - They just cleaned their carpets, dude. C’mon! Compass ($5) and Road Atlas ($10) - For the most ghetto GPS imaginable. No asshole, there’s no Penis Boulevard.

Mr. Super Broke - What do you mean you’re going to be a little late on August rent? Ramen 12pk ($5.99) - Once they’ve eaten the noodles, they can use the cup to beg for change. 6 Shares of Ford stock ($1.81 x 5) - Sometimes it’s important to feel like a CEO. Windex ($3.99) and Paper towel roll ($1.50 x 2) - Get a job, deadbeat!

trix 2 Phone PRICE: $99 (for AT&T, $499.99 without contract) notable features: Android 2.3 network, built-in FM radio, 8 GB internal memory, plus an 8MP front and rear facing camera. (wireless.att.com) why it rocks: This phone is really nice. It has 4G speed, a pretty sweet camera that takes crisp photos and videos. And while many phones have a learning curve that rests somewhere between “rage inducing” and “fuck this, I’ll just use a telegraph,” the Atrix 2 is actually pretty intuitive in its use. Zumocast-- a program that allows you to access files and information stored on your computer’s hard drive—is one of the phone’s best features. Did we mention that this telephone even makes calls and sends texts? Crazy!

Hah, you don't need to answer that. Whether you've been naughty or just down right nasty this year, we've got plenty of gifts that you'll be begging to receive. You do know it's better to give then to receive, though, right? Of course you do... you're not on the nice list for a few very good reasons.

Lululemon

Destined for Greatness Duffel

Timbuk 2M

PRICE: $140 notable features: Weatherproof, industrial strength Velcro, buckle can also double as a bottle opener! (chromebagsstore.com) Why it rocks: This bag is waterproof and roomy enough to put your supplies for the whole day inside of it. If you depend on your bike for transportation, the bag has clips that could hold lights, a U-lock, or your dignity, for when you accidentally run into a car. Not to mention it has adjustable straps to ensure a perfect fit to your bod. Just strap it on and go! As if this bag wasn’t cool enough already… the buckle can double as a bottle opener, making grabbing a beer right as you walk in the door from work or class that much easier. Oh, and it comes with a lifetime guarantee, which already makes it better than marriage.

Are You on the Naughty List?

PRICE: $128 notable features: Goofy labeled pockets-galore to keep your junk organized, stow-able nylon straps to fit any size yoga mat, water-resistant fabric, and can hold up to 50lbs! (lululemon.com) why it rocks: This workout bag is perfect for the gym, or any other on-thego occasion that suggests you would have to carry a ton of shit. Not to mention it’s actually cute! It’s super sturdy straps let you carry gobs of “necessities” with confidence. The bag also features tons of easily accessible pockets (most of which are labeled with quirky suggestions of what to put in them, sadly there’s nothing to hold your shattered dreams) for all your organizational needs. It even has a pocket that is designed to slide your laptop in to keep it safe, because you know how shifty those yogi's can be.

essenger Bag PRICE: $120 notable features: 50 different iconic celebrity faces staring back at you, waterproof exterior, lifetime guarantee and pockets on pockets. (timbuk2.com) why it rocks: This bag is really functional. It’s waterproof, spacious and can be adjusted to fit your frame. Padded straps make lugging around too much crap a little bit less awful. And with tons of pockets with different colored zippers, maybe you can actually find your keys or wallet without dumping all of the contents of the whole bag out. The lconoclast version of this classic Timbuk2 messenger bag is limited edition and is made with fabric that has the faces of 50 different cultural icons printed on it. Each is unique, depending on what swatch of fabric was used, which is cool. Anyone you get this for will use it everyday. Except for Sunday, that’s the Lord’s day.

Lap Dock 100 Motorola

Chrome

Citizen Buckle Messenger Bag

www.theblacksheeponline.com

PRICE: $249.99 notable features: High resolution, bright 10.1 screen, can be hooked up to a variety of phones (best paired with the Atrix 2), Motoprint application makes printing easy. (motorola.com) why it rocks: The lapdock makes using the web on the go easy and convenient, without having to lug around a heavy laptop (that would most likely only connect to wifi anyway). Just connect your phone to the port on the back of the device and you instantly have a bigger screen and a keyboard. It’s so much better than trying to use a tiny touch screen with your stubby sausage fingers. Hell, it’s so good it made us forget they aired those annoying commercials during the NCAA tournament last year.

www.theblacksheeponline.com

PRICE: $7.99 - $9.99 for a six pack (includes Bellaire Brown, Black Cheery Porter, Chocolate Wheat, Pandemonium Pale Ale, Autumn Ale, Huma Lupa Licious IPA) Notable features: Delicious, high quality ingredients make this micro-brew delicious. (shortsbrewing.com) WHY IT RULES: All of these beers are rid-donk-licious, and can be considered a special treat for anyone (21 and up) on your holiday list. Shorts Brewing Company consciously only uses the finest ingredients and it shows. They really know what they’re doing when it comes to creating tasty brewskies. Not to mention that all of these beers have an ABV% of at least 5? If getting drunk in a warm, Keystone-free cocoon of smiles is your aim, Shorts will definitely do the trick.

Homebrewers Outpost

Beer Making Starter Kit PRICE: $134.99 (includes ingredients) Notable features: Everything you need to brew your own divine beers while still being cost effective. (homebrewers.com) WHY IT RockS: With this kit you’re able create your own beer at a fraction of the cost of buying delicious high-gravity craft beers elsewhere. Once you have the equipment, it’s easy to order ingredients. The process is easy enough, too (check back in the first issue of the 2nd semester as we try to make our own beer.) Brewing is the ultimate bragging right, it makes you superior to all your friends, because you’re getting tipsy off of your own hard work. What else could a beer guru dream of?

Peligroso Reposado

42 Tequila PRICE: $44.99 Notable features: Smooth, wonderful and full of the promise of a magnificent time. (peligrosotequila.com) WHY IT RockS: Everyone loves tequila, right? Well, Peligoros Reposado 42 is perfect for any holiday party. While all of your kind of trashy, lame friends from home are throwing down shot after shot of Burnett’s or Jose Cuervo, you’ll look like the epitome of class when you whip this bad boy bottle out. And since this tequila is still pretty new, you can be really vague as to where you got it. “Oh, I just know a guy…” will have your friends thinking you know someone in the cartel. Don’t forget the salt and limes!

Galaxy Tablet 10.1 Samsung

Short's Brewery

Variety Pack

PRICE: $499.99 (for 16 GB) notable features: Includes Adobe flash, brilliantly crisp widescreen display, and weighs only 1.25 pounds. (samsung.com) Why it rocks: This tablet is awesome. The high-resolution screen is really crisp and the tablet itself has so. many. features. Even before you start downloading different apps like crazy. It has all the amenities of a laptop, but is incredibly easy to take on the go, and with 16 gigs of memory and almost 10 hours of battery life, using adult movies to weird out the guy sitting next to you on the airplane has never been easier. Also, it makes it easy to keep track of your plethora of social engagements… erm, exams and deadlines… with the agenda calendar right at your fingertips. It runs on the new and improved Android 3.1 Honeycomb network, which is still pretty similar to previous versions— making the conversion really easy. Check one of these out soon!

! s e g 5 a 2 k $ c a r e P d ft i n G U

For the Lusty Lover

(They’re spare hole fits your round peg surprisingly well.) Bottle of Boone’s Farm Strawberry Hill ($3.99) - If they’re actually excited about this, make sure you card them. Hard. Whipped Cream ($2.99) - If nothing else, it gives you an excuse to shower together. Tea Lights ($5.99) - Really set the mood, until you start your apartment on fire. Redbox Flick ($0.99) - If you play your cards right, you’ll be flickin’ their red box.

FOR THE Super Greek

(He’s totally your best brah that happens to be a brah in a house, brah.) Knock-off Wayfarers ($4.99) - Because the sun never sets on cool. Collegiate sweat band ($3.99) - I go hard for my school, what, do you go to state or somethin’? Beer Bong ($12.99) - Not chug-a-lug house! Leather Cleaner ($3.49) - It’s always important to keep those Sperry's fresh.

for the Study Buddy

(Friends don’t let friends go into tests unprepared.) 30 Adderall ($3.25) - If they don’t study all the info, how are they supposed to make sure you pass your test? Daily Planner ($9.99) - After you lost your syllabus, they let you know when the tests occur. Ambient Music Mix ($0.00) - They’ve got to focus all night if you’re going to learn trigonometry. Quiet Library Snacks ($4.49) - You wouldn't want them to be the douche eating Sunchips, would you?)

Price: $89 (large, 38' diameter) NOTABLE FEATURES: Party tricks, potential of abs and popularity, did we mention it lights the f up? (moodhoops.com) why it rocks: Uh, how a LED light-up hula hoop not rock? With one push of a button the whole thing goes apeshit with internal LED lights that dance and move on their own. When being used, the hooper is completely enveloped in bright, colorful lights! By default this will attract anyone cool in your path and will make you extremely popular in no time! Hula hooping has also become very popular as a way of working out, so you could get a spring break ready body WHILE entertaining the drunken masses. It would be irresponsible NOT to get this for someone on your list (or just keep for yourself instead).

holiday gift guide 2011

start

oh shit, it’s holiday season Merritt Rethlake wrote this Do you smell peppermint candy canes and hot cider? Are you breaking out your fat pants in preparation to gorge yourself like a starved Indonesian child? Well then it must be the holiday season. Even if you don’t celebrate, you at least get a day or two off work (score) to sleep away the constant boredom of your life. The unfortunate reality of celebrating the holidays is that it’s not all candy canes and roses. The one damper on the holiday season is something we can’t get rid of, avoid, or pretend doesn’t exist: our families. Parents: They’re super-stressed all the time, and this heightens around the holiday season. The holidays are another expense to pile on your over-priced tuition, which they fail to realize is priced perfectly to budget a handle of Captains a week. Not to mention they have to deal with presents and food and the same unfortunate family you want to avoid. Plus your sister is going through a high-school-whore-phase and they are freaking out trying to keep her from getting herpes. Cut them a break, and get them something nice, will ya?

with dinner (and take a pull of whiskey from your dad’s liquor cabinet, because god knows you need it). Aunts and Uncles: They’re the nosy pricks, trying to get all up in your business, commenting on how you’ve gotten too fat, your hair looks stupid, your outfit is offensive,, etc. They make it a point to tell you that their children actually made the Dean’s List, joined eight clubs and also has found a super boyfriend who is saving himself until marriage. You can either politely tell them to go fuck themselves, or just suck it up and pray that they fall asleep in their candied yams from all of the Tryptophan in the turkey. Cousins: If they’re older, you probably can just chat about life updates and school, no problem. If you’re lucky you can get drunk with them. If they’re younger, you are the coolest thing ever. . You could just throw a drumstick at them and then go hide in the basement) or you could humor them and actually try to have a conversation with them. No one is going to be real with them; childhood these days is all about denial and video games, so answer their questions honestly. Somehow slip in a sex reference that their parents will have to explain to them. Good job.

“the unfortunate reality is that it’s not all candy canes and roses.”

Siblings: You haven’t seen them in a few months and just when you think it’s nice to be home they annoy the everloving shit out of you. Your little brother has started taking your shit, your sister hasn’t stopped bitching once and they both still tell mom and dad on you. Why did you want to come home? You’ll find yourself asking this question more and more as your family (who mom insists be treated as guests) roll in. Grandparents: Depending on how nice they are, these relatives might actually be okay. If all they do is bake cookies, ask you about college and tell you to not have sex, you’re pretty lucky. The more common, “I’m old so I’m right about everything” grandparents are still the more tolerable of the relatives. In this case, smile, nod, give a few words of encouragement and then excuse yourself to go help your mom

Everyone Else: Who are they? Do I know them? Are they even related to me? God, why do they have a mullet? Don’t panic. They’re probably just a family friend in town for the holidays trying to score a home-cooked meal. Or they’re scooping out the family gems. Either way, just smile and walk away. Go online and check the sex offender registry in your area, just in case. And always carry a spray bottle of chloroform. If all else fails, just remember that you’re going back to school shortly, and this will all be some terrible dream that, for some reason, made you gain 15 pounds. finish

MADLIB: the crazy story you’ll tell your high school friends 1: Period of time 2: Name 3: Verb (-ing) 4: Noun 5: Time of day 6: Adjective 7: Noun 8: Campus store that would sell (7) 9: Marginalized person 10: Something you’d have in your pocket 11: Same as 10 12: Verb 13: Noun

14: Area of town 15: Obscenity 16: Verb (-s) 17: Same as 16 (-ing) 18: Obscenity 19: Obscenity 20: Verb 21: Same as 9 22: Group of people 23: Same as 2 24: Obscenity 25: Same as 9 26: Verb (-ed) 27: Noun 28: Same as 3 29: Something that you can (3)

Dude, you won’t believe this story. So, a couple of __1__ ago my buddy __2__ and I decided to start __3__ __4__ as soon as we woke up. Obviously by __5__ we were pretty __6__, so we decided to go get some __7__. On the way to __8__ we saw this __9__. We made eye contact and he asked us for a__10__. Of course I gave him __11__, but only if he’d __12__ for it. After, he wouldn’t stop following us. He kept asking us to go with him to buy some __13__, and finally we obliged. We’re walking towards __14__ with this guy and all of a sudden he screams, “__15__!” and just starts sobbing. We try to console him, but instead he turns around and __16__. Dude keeps __17__ my buddy, screaming “__18__ you, you __19__ !” Finally, I get my bearings about me, I just __20__ this __21__so hard. It was crazy, but it wasn’t over yet. Out of nowhere these three __22__ show up, __23__’s bleeding, and I’m like, “__24__.” Turns out, they weren’t after me they’re after this __25__, because once he __26__ on a __27__. In short, I’m never __28__ __29__ again.

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SHOW US YOUR BOOZE: BOOK OF MATTHEW 2:1-12

They came from the east when they saw his star rise...

They came to pay homage to a new king...

The Three Wise Men.

The evil King Herod had also heard the news.

Threatened, he summoned the Three Wise Men to his court...

And demanded they find this new king...

...so Herod could destroy him.

They paid him no mind and continued their journey.

The star stopped, they arrived.

Inside, they presented the new King with three presents...

Goldschlager, the dankest scents, and beer.

For he truly was King of the Booze!

Meanwhile...

Quiz: What High School Friend Are You? 1. On the ride home with your parents, you couldn’t stop talking about… A) How the beautiful landscape reminds you that He loves you in a way your parents could never quite fathom. B) How every mile away from campus your heart aches more and more, knowing you’ll be out of his loving embrace for a whole month. C) How you can’t wait to unpack all your shit. And Mom, if you threw away that KoRn tapestry, I swear to god you’re buying me a new one. 2. The first thing you did when you walked into your old room… A) You took down your “Co-Exist” bumper sticker. What’s the point when you’ve found the one? B) You took down the hitter box you

Key:

1) A: 2 B: 1 C: 3 2) A: 2 B: 3 C: 1 3) A: 3 B: 1 C: 2 4) A: 1 B: 3 C: 2 5) A: 1 B: 2 C: 3 6) A: 2 B: 3 C: 1 7) A: 1 B: 2 C: 3 8) A: 3 B: 2 C: 1

stashed in your closet. After the car ride with those losers you really need to take the edge off. C) You took down that Kate Upton poster. She just doesn’t compare anymore.

B) “When did the party ever stop, dude?” C) “Let me put on my Temple garments first.”

3. The first thing you notice about your best bud from high school is… A) You no longer think of him as a best bud, that’s reserved for the Purple Nurple, man. B) He’s not wearing a promise ring. C) That beer belly and long hair are a clear sign he doesn’t consider his body a temple for The Lord.

5. The party was lame so you decide to catch a flick instead. You suggest… A) “The Muppets, I kinda missed most if it when I went with her.” B) “The Muppets, I haven’t protested a movie in a while.” C) “The Muppets, I hear it syncs up with My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy, if you start playing it on your iPhone when Animal bangs the kick drum in the 3rd song.”

4. When said buddy asks if you want to hit up a party, you respond, A) “Do they have Skype? I need to use it.”

6. Driving around your hometown, you never realized there was so many… A) People who are destined for hell.

8-13: You’ve found love!

While most of your friends will come back from college regaling you with tails of depravity and lost innocence, you’ll be telling them about the quiet Friday night you and Beth spent sipping hot cocoa and looking through photo albums. It’s all good though, those friends weren’t really getting any, they’re just narrating a movie they once saw on YouPorn.

14-19: You’ve found God!

There you were, ready to take that 4th hit of acid, when a cat turns to you and says, “Have you found your Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?” The next day you realized you hadn’t, from then on, it’s only been Jesus Juice for you.

Advertising Manager Averi Tjarks JP McKinney editorial Manager Molly Bryant distribution Manager Julio Espada Marketing Manager Lilly Melander Marketing Team Lauren Etscheidt public relations Lauren Lynch Writers Abram (Brent) LeBlanc Adam Carver Breanne Brousil Chris Biagini Danielle Levings

Leanna Hasenmiller Liz McDonough Merritt Rethlake Michael Glawe Molly Carpenter Liz Alley Emily Ergenbright Tamara Bartlett photographer Julie Vujnovich cartoonist Danielle Hernandez campus director Brendan Bonham Questions?

info@theblacksheeponline.com

Advertising?

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8. To you, Christmas is really about… A) The presents you can return so you can finally buy that new vaporizer you’ve been eyeing. B) A day of celebration, for He has finally come. C) Making sure you have enough text messages left to keep in touch with your baby.

After a semester of hanging out with some bros, plowin’ some hoes, seein’ some shows and snortin’ some No-Doz, you’ve had a blast. And while your social life is a solid 4.0, your GPA is closer to 0.4. Maybe living with the parents for the rest of your life really isn’t that bad.

Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. The content does not always reflect the views of the staff, it is for entertainment purposes only. Please drink...responsibly and legally. Owned & Operated By: Black Card Media, LLC P.O. Box 221385 Chicago, IL 60622 217.390.1747

7. When you run into the high school loser, you can’t help but say, A) “I’VE HAD SEX!” B) “Christ can heal more than just your physical body, my Brother.” C) “Hey, does Shakey Bakes have anything new in?”

20-24: You’ve found…college isn’t really for you.

Meet The Staff! campus manager Brian Skalak

B) Fuckin’ hot high school sophomores! C) Reasonably-priced homes for you and Karen to move into in three years.

Come Join the Team! We're looking to bring on some writers, marketers, and groupies. Think you got what it takes? Email us at jobs@theblacksheeponline.com or apply online!

Holiday Partyscopes!

Sagittarius (Nov. 21 - Dec 21.) You are trying way too hard to impress your relatives. I mean, you haven’t really done anything impressive. Yeah, you outdrank that senior at Alpha Sigma Alcohol once, but you can’t exactly tell your family that. Just shut the fuck up and hope they glaze over your recent arrest record.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You’re most likely that awkward college kid still at the kid’s table. It’s unfortunate. You’re not exactly mature, so it’s not like you deserve a spot at the adult table, but you’re also not about to fling a handful of mashed potatoes at your aunt. Actually, you might do that. Revenge is a bitch, family! Who’s laughing now?

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) Oh god. Family, You are soooooo uncomfortable. Who do you talk to? What do you say? You don’t want to tell your life story to relative strangers. Are they judging me? Shit, I should’ve showered…Ok calm down spaz attack. Just smile and have a mouthful in at all times so no one can get a word in edgewise. You can’t talk if you’re wolfing down potatoes and gravy like there’s no tomorrow.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You love this holiday because it makes you feel useful. You can help prepare the turkey, greet your relatives, calm the screaming cousins, etc. Enjoy it while you can; after everyone wakes up from their tryptophan coma, you’ll go back to being a freeloader on your dad’s basement couch. Get up and go get a job asshole.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 -Feb. 18) You hate everything else, so of course you’re going to loathe family get-togethers. As the resident Negative Nancy of the family everything from the food to the cousins to the family charades aren’t up to your standards. That’s probably why you’re going to get a serving or two, go into the T.V. room, and watch reruns of Desperate Housewives until your extended family leaves. Pisces (Feb. 19 - March 20) You should have a large bottle of Valium handy, because you cannot handle people. They make you nervous. Looking nice, being kind, in general attempting to be presentable is just too overwhelming for you. I get it, you’re socially awkward. But maybe at least try a smile or two? The least you can do is bring the candied yams in. Aries (March 21 - Apr. 19) Let’s, be honest, you are probably a huge fatass. In your normal life, you shove cheese curds down your throat like a Playboy Playmate at a Charlie Sheen party. Good for you tiger, this is your holiday. Live it up, eat everything in sight, and try to not give yourself a hernia. Expect to puke up turkey for at least 4 days after. Taurus (Apr. 20 - May 20) You generally utilize the holidays to attempt to wheedle money out of your relatives at all costs. You are not above bribing, sucking up, and blatant pandering. It is pathetic to watch, but what do you care? You’re getting your cash money. Your gluttony fits in nicely with the most recent holiday, you greedy bastard.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22) Having all of your family in one place provides you ample opportunities to show off. If we get real here, you don’t feel validated unless someone tells you you’re awesome at least once a day. You might as well just wear a t-shirt with your grade transcript printed on it. (Helpful hint: you’re the annoying , overzealous cousin.) Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22) You have always been the “good child”. While your siblings got arrested for underage drinking or selling crack in an alleyway, you always kept your nose clean (literally). The family is proud of you, and we here at the Sheep applaud you for not slipping into the age-old college trap of stripping to “get through college” and then just staying there for 5 years. Better not fuck up or you’ll let everyone down. Enjoy the pressure! Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) Both sides of your family are batshit crazy. And they hate each other. They vie for the attention of you and your siblings because you are actually normal and marginally well adjusted. What in the hell do you when they both gun at you, trying to shove cranberry sauce in your mouth? RUN BITCH. Grab a drumstick and hide in your room until everyone is too drunk to fight. I’m so sorry. Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 22) Rumors of your promiscuity have traveled from school back to your family (most likely through an unblocked facebook profile. Security that shit UP.) They are all going to stare at you and that giant bruise on your neck awkwardly when you ask for more stuffing. Be patient sweetheart, you’ll get stuffed soon enough back at school.

HAVE THE BEST NEW YEAR’S EVE

AT 20/20!

THE BIGGEST NEW YEAR’S EVE PARTY IN AMES OVER $500 IN PRIZES! PROJECT 20/20 /// BISTRO + CLUB + LOUNGE /// 2424 Lincoln Way | Ames, Iowa

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