F-It Frriday 27 by The Black Sheep

F*** it Fridays

The Black Sheep brings you...

“Because you know you checked out on Wednesday...”

Friday, July 15th, 2011 ISSUE 27

“Special” Edition

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A WHOLE BUNCH OF GREAT THINGS AND NOT SO GREAT THINGS

PLUS A GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH THAT INCLUDES BACON

THE Best ! d n a

THE worst summer 2011

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BEST AND WORST SUMMER CRITTERS GRACE HAKA WROTE THIS

BEST: Tiny Ducklings

Absolutely nothing compares to the level of preciousness that is seen in the face of an innocent little ducking. These tiny little yellow birds could put holes in your bicep with a staple gun and you would still think it was the cutest damn thing you’ve ever seen. Just the way that little ducklings eat dirt every time they walk because they always trip over their webbed feet could make a serial killer giggle. Even though people hate getting stopped in traffic, it’s hard to hate on a family of baby ducks carpooling to Aunt Daisy and Uncle Donald’s pond for daycare while their mom goes support the family. Sheesh, single motherhood. But anyway, ducklings are God’s gift to people who need a costume idea for their infant at Halloween, which is why they are the best summer critter ever.

WORST: Mosquitoes

I have never and will never hear a positive statement about mosquitoes. “Oooh! I Love having itchy bumps all over me in the summer time!” “Herpes?” “No! Mosquito bites!” Yeah, right. Mosquitoes are tiny demon monster vampire devils that love the sweet, sweet blood of humans. I’m still trying to figure out how mosquitoes have made a deal with the devil that makes bug spray smell like skunk juice so that nobody wears it, but that’s beside the point. Mosquitoes are the worst summer critter because they always bite you at the worst time. Skeeters always seem to attack and leave those nasty bumps the day before your older brother’s wedding or that soft-core porn photo shoot you’ve been doing all those crunches for. It’s so annoying to be itching those bad-boys all day. Ugh.

BEST AND WORST WAYS TO MAKE A QUICK BUCK CARLY KAMP WROTE THIS

Best: Slingin’ Beejes Lord knows a gal like me loves sucking on a stranger’s lolli for twenty bucks a pop. Like any other woman, I never feel complete unless I have a man’s manhood filling one of my orifices. Luckily beejays are quick, easy, and I risk no chance of getting pregnant.On the plus side, I get to give my lips a workout so they stay nice and plump, and I read on like fifty different websites that swallowing a guy’s load improves my health, makes my hair shinier, my teeth whiter, and my thighs slimmer. The only way I could be any happier is if I could be making a sandwich and cleaning while servicing my clients.

Worst: Lemonade Stand No one will buy a cup for more than twenty-five cents. Are you shitting me? That doesn’t even cover the cost of sugar nowadays. The heat is absolutely SWELTERING in Champaign Urbana lately. And this kiddie table is much too short for my legs to fit comfortably under. And my “Lemonaide 4 Sale” sign with the e’s and a’s spelled backwards is just luring in every pedophile on the block! You won’t make crap selling cups of Crystal Lite on the corner of First and Daniel unless you’re packing some crystal meth into those Dixie Cups. Absolute misery, people.

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best and worst malt liquor FINK WROTE THIS

BEST: COUNTRY CLUB

The very best thing about malt liquor is how little it empties your bank account, while still getting you as embarrassingly drunk as the more expensive options. It’s summer, and I know you’d rather be spending your money on gas for road trips, baseball tickets, and nice weed, so you’re better off using pocket change for your booze fund. Country Club Malt Liquor gets you to that middleaged-woman-at-the-clubhouse-while-her-husband-is-golfing level of drunk without the obnoxious member dues. Grab a few bottles of Country Club, fill up the kiddy pool, maybe watch Caddyshack for the millionth time, and you’re on your way to a members’ only experience only rivaled by the real thing.

WORST: KING COBRA

You want to know the only thing worse than a hangover from King Cobra? Being strangled, bitten, and tortured by a live cobra. Like its cold-blooded namesake, King Cobra Malt Liquor is one of the deadliest things known to man. If you’ve ever felt the wrath of the King Cobra, you know all too well the level of agony I speak of. Forget your everyday, run of the mill hangover and its usual accoutrements. Your average morning after headache is nothing compared to the brutal inferno aflame in your skull after a night of Cobra. Your normal queasiness is now worse than the snake pit in Indiana Jones. Heed my advice: leave the Cobra on the liquor store shelf unless you’re still struggling to tell your parents you failed out, and you just want to end it all.

BEST AND WORST SUMMER BEER ZOTZ WROTE THIS

BEST: BIG FLATS

This beer may be new to some of you and that makes me sad. The Walgreen’s beer de shit is the greatest thing I’ve discovered since internet porn. It’s called Big Flats; it goes down very easy and tastes like well water. Or for you crazy kids from the city, like hose water you drank as a kid because you were too busy having fun to go inside. Most people don’t want their beer to taste like tainted water, but everyone likes to invoke feelings of nostalgia from their childhood, right? Well, this beer does exactly that. Because of its unique flavor “profile” you can close your eyes, funnel it, and bring back memories of playing in the backyard with your friends on hot afternoons. The other plus side to this wonderful brew is that it’s $3 for a 6-pack, replacing keystone as the cheapest beer available. It’s only sold at the aforementioned Walgreen’s; too bad there aren’t many of those around. And it’s not like I needed to sell you on this stuff anymore, but it’s 4.5% abv, higher than Bud Light.

WORST: BUDWEISER’S CHELADA

It’s made by mixing clamato (tomato and clam juice, hot sauce), limejuice and beer together, adding some salt, and then spreading it throughout supermarkets like a plague. I actually convinced myself to try this stuff when I was sober and I gagged on one sip. I’m told this drink is popular in Mexico, where they got the idea in the first place. And that’s all I’m going to say about that. It tastes like eating out a fish’s asshole with a mouthful of beer. The only good thing about this beer is that it has the color of bloody radioactive piss. I mean, if you’re going to drink clam piss mixed with an alcoholic’s sloppy beer shit, it might as well have a fun color to it.

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BEST AND WORST FAMILY VACATION

PHIL AZAR WROTE THIS

BEST: INDIANAPOLIS, IN

Looking for a fun adventure not too far from your backyard? Well, put those binoculars down (your neighbors are talking) for your family vacation destination is right down I-65 in the town without a frown, the one and only Indianapolis! Now this ain’t your father’s Indianapolis (yawn!). Mayor Franklin U. Mackenzie established the “Visit Indianapolis! You won’t get murdered here!” campaign five years ago in an effort to spruce up the city’s image, and what a long way they have come in that short amount of time. Mayor Mackenzie and his respectful brain trust, The Indianapolis Department for Tourism, who in no way blackmailed this reporter to write a sparkling review of their town, have paved the streets with fun activities for you and your loved ones to enjoy. Try Indianapolis’s world famous cuisine at one of their dozen restaurants. If you’re not hungry, try a round of golf at a golf course or catch Peyton Manning throw a touchdown at a Colts game. Or there might be a park where you could throw a Frisbee or whatever.

WORST: TARA REID’S HOUSE

We all know this song and dance. You’re watching American Pie with your family and your step dad suggests taking a week off to visit Tara Reid. This idea, teeming with family fun, has plagued the American tourism industry for years due to its cosmetic allure. The star of “Taradise” advertises on her website that tourists to her home will have a “totally awesome time” and promises afternoons filled with “cocktails and, umm, we could lay out. I have like a pool, but it makes my skin all yucky and wrinkly so I don’t go in there. Is wrinkly a word?” Yes, Tara; you’re living proof. Reid has been the subject of much criticism over the years. Her Whoreness has always lived in the shadow of the infamous Paris Hilton, and many critics believe Reid’s star status was struck down when My Boss’s Daughter received a lower IMDB rating than her sex tape. A rarely known statistic states that 1 in 24 deaths are directly related to Tara Reid’s drunken whore antics, making her more deadly than Chelsea Clinton and lawn mowers combined. Please be responsible this summer and go to Macy Gray’s house instead.

BEST AND WORST DRUGS TO DO BEST: COCAINE

Some of you may start bitching right about now. Something to the extent of, “OMG Teddy, weed is the best drug ever. It totally makes everything better.” And to that I say, screw you, that’s a bold faced lie. Weed just makes you content with things that suck, it doesn’t actually make things better. You actually enjoy Lonely Island songs rather than realizing they are auto-tuned turd sandwiches. Cocaine, on the other hand, is a drug you can dig. Pimps do it, Strippers do it, Rich CEOs do it, and hell, they all seem to be having fun, so why can’t I do it too? It makes my heart race, I lose weight, I talk more (so, people find me interesting), and the shits I take are so painful that I have to adjust my diet by putting more fiber in it. So, take off your shirts and get wild for middle America’s drug of choice. Cocaine!

TEDDY BAUM COX WROTE THIS

WORST: METH

Holy Hell. Let’s gather everybody around and take a break to think about what meth really is. Now, I don’t feel like Googling it, but I believe meth has gasoline, a lot of Sudafed, and a shit ton of sadness. When I say sadness, I don’t mean like the stuff the Powder Puff Girls are not made of, but rather the stuff that makes grown men weep. (I don’t cry, though.) The cons are endless: you lose your teeth (and bitches like teeth), you lose too much weight (no cushin’ for pushin’, or to push with), and you start to lose color. I know everyone has become a fan of vampires lately, but this is different. You are not bangin’ a sparkly Edward Cullen lookalike in this situation. Instead, you’re banging a super-pasty, lifeless meth-head who is covered with scabs and has no teeth. Think about that ladies and gentlemen… scabs and no teeth. Don’t do meth, people. The Black Sheep: Giving out Public Service Announcements since whenever the fuck we started.

Best & Worst picnic items BEST: Cooler The world would be a much gloomier place without coolers. Picnic-goers everywhere would be forced to suffer through drinking - dare I say it - warm beer. And maybe even worse than that is the fact that many picnic foods such as cheese tend to turn into disgusting mounds of rotten mush when baking under the hot summer sun. So I’d like to make a toast, using this icecold beer I just retrieved from my cooler, to the cooler itself. Not only would picnics be worthless without you, but so would tailgates, barbecues and life. Another great thing about coolers is they come in so many different sizes! You can always get a gigantic one if you’re looking to satisfy a big group of people. But, if you’re setting up a romantic picnic for just you and your significant other (aka girl-you’re-tryingto-pry-a-blow-job-out-of), all you need is a little cooler with enough room to fit a bottle of wine and some other essentials, if you know what I’m sayin’. See? They’re quick, easy, and fun to stuff full of meat... just like your picnic partner!

Worst: Stupid Checkered Blanket Ok, who was the asshole that decided that a checkered blanket would be the quintessential picnic item? Because blankets are just the worst things to eat food on. I know that picnics are all about sitting on the ground in the damp, dog-shit-ridden grass, but I’m a big fan of eating on tables, you know, like a normal human being. I only condone barbarianism in very specific aspects of life, and picnic-ing isn’t one of them. Then, things get really obnoxious as soon as you spill something, and that’s obviously going to happen. The blanket gets all dirty and messy, someone starts crying; it’s just chaos. Also, no one wants to be the one to sacrifice their blanket. That right there is another fight. So to avoid all disarray, you might as well just eat on a table. Some might argue that a picnic wouldn’t be a picnic without the blanket, but you know what I say to those people? Fuck you, then why is it called a picnic table? CLEVES WROTE THIS

best and worst ice cream truck treats COREY GUASTINI WROTE THIS

BEST: drumstick

First, a side note: It is unfortunate that treats such as the Chocolate Éclair Bar are on wooden sticks because, if not for that, they would give the Drumstick a run for its money. But alas they are, so on to the Drumstick checklist. First on the checklist: is it on a wooden stick? Nope! Does it contain chocolate? Does it ever! There is an outermost chocolate coating with nuts sprinkled in it, the waffle cone is lined with chocolate, and the cone tip contains a marvelous surprise--it’s filled with chocolate! That was a brilliant touch by the Drumstick team, and if I’m not mistaken, they won the 1928 Nobel Prize in Chemistry for it. The only possible dig is that the waffle cone can sometimes be a smidge overpowering. Other than that, the Drumstick is flawless. It satiates any craving the consumer may have and never disappoints.

WORST: FRUIT FLAVORED ITALIAN ICE

The reasons for this being the absolute worst treat are two-fold. First, when searching for the perfect ice cream treat, satisfaction is paramount. The treat has to not only be sweet, but rich. This is an indirect way of saying it needs to contain chocolate. Fruit flavored Italian ice is sweet; I don’t think anyone is arguing that. Rich, though? No, sir. It exudes a definite feel of “diet dessert.” That oxymoron alone is a huge blow to this lousy excuse for a dessert. Second, and more important, is that items like these need a spoon to be eaten. Ice cream trucks don’t have silverware, they have wooden tongue depressors. Therefore, every bite of frozen fruit water is imbued with the unmistakable, wretched taste of wood. It is comparable to being forced to lick an envelope after every bite. Honestly, the coupling of dessert and wooden sticks was the worst development in the history of ice cream. Fuck Italian Ice.

BEST AND WORST SUMMER UNDERWEAR BEN MICHAELS WROTE THIS

BEST: CANDY G-STRING

Found in Spencer’s and most Lover’s Lanes, the candy g-string is a sensuous and delicious solution to all of your support and comfort needs during the summer. While often consumed by a significant other or domestic pet, the candy g-string also provides a great personal snack as you do your summer business, whether that is starting an underground roller derby league, going to a blues guitar festival or simply enjoying a tall glass of lemonade. However, it is advised to do so in a private area, being that the image of a grown man or woman attempting to eat their own g-string while they are wearing it is still considered taboo in most public spaces.

WORST: ADULT DIAPER

Now, I realize that the adult diaper has a fairly significant cult following throughout most of the year. I mean, who hasn’t enjoyed the warmth and comfort of bringing the bathroom around with you as you go about your business on those cold, unforgiving wintery months. However, in the summertime, the adult diaper is simply not practical. For instance, have you ever gotten a chocolate ice-cream cone in the summer and had it melt all over your fingers and down your arm? Basically, that shit gets everywhere. A couple years ago I decided to wear a diaper in June. I was having a regular day as I ran my errands, however, when I got on the bus and sat down, the sweat from my lower back and ass-crack mixed with the viscous contents of the diaper. The effect was similar to a busty woman squeezing a large sponge in a 1970’s style carwash.

Best & Worst Encounter after that Summer Hookup Best

It’s a Friday night. You’ll be putzing around with your girls, chuckling on the way to the bar and you’ll see him. Before you even have time for an (OH SHIT!) halted moment of nerves and colon butterflies, he’ll smile. Your eyes lock his. He’ll make that goofy little ‘fancy seeing you here’ joke, and you’ll laugh at his coy wit. He’ll tell you how great it was to see you the other night, and you’ll wonder if he’s enticed by you or just your $kills in the bedroom. But the chemistry will be all too real, the lust all too comfortable. You’ll get lost in the moment; envisioning your acceptance of the future Facebook relationship request… the sober hand holding on walks to class. As you snap back to reality, he’ll suavely inquire where you’re headed and part with the blessing of the sacred words, “Text me later, babe.” And you’ll melt, like Darla and a popsicle on the “fourf” of July <3. It’s like a Nicholas Sparks novel, except some actual fucking occurs.

Worst

You’ll see him enter the bar, looking stone cold sober. He’ll see you and immediately get squeamish and awkward— latching on to his friends like Patrick Star, suctioned to their backs as they order drinks. He’ll continue avoiding you. Your friends will witness the scene of the nonconfrontational crime and start really chappin’ your ass when they urge you to say “hi” to him. The whole thing will be so painfully awkward. Eventually, you’ll cross paths. The forced conversation will start with him asking, “Oh hey, when did you get here?”… As if he didn’t already know—idiot. He’ll make not funny jokes and you’ll question your alcoholism and previous mating standards. You’ll find the nearest distraction and make your escape. Chalking it up as a series of unfortunate events, you’ll make a vow to keep your V on a short leash, never barking up that tree again. At least you’ll still have your dignity? Oh wait… MARSHA MATHERS WROTE THIS

Report Card Name: Starring:

Movie Review

Transformers: Dark of the Moon

Shia Labeouf, Rosie Huntington-Whitely

Overview: Ah, Transformers; the franchise brought to life by the toy company Hasbro in the eighties and has since become ever popular with varying incarnations in the television realm. When Michael Bay was named to direct a live-action movie based on the franchise in 2007, many fans were skeptical yet ended up pleased with the result. It was a Transformers film that may have had a few flaws, but was overall a great experience. Cut to two years later when Bay and company turned in their sequel, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, a film haphazardly put together during the writer’s strike and paired with curious production decisions.This past holiday weekend, Bay unleashed his supposed third and final installment into the Transformers movie franchise, but does it succeed where the second failed?

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Brewery: Name:

Beer Review Bavik Brewery

Wittekerke Belgian Wheat

B+

The Brewer’s Pitch: True honest fact (apparently): a proper Belgian Wit beer has to have at least 25% wheat malt in addition to the barley malt, and cannot be filtered. This will lead to a cloudy color and a smooth, even creamy texture (especially if there is lots of yeast). With a fairly low alcohol content and a cold crisp flavor, Wittekerke finishes lightly floral and crisp for a very cold refreshing brew. Wittekerke takes its name from a fictional Flemish village from a Belgian sitcom where everyone drinks Wittekerke beer. To put this in perspective: It would be like watching the Canada channel and seeing a sitcom called “Labbatt” about a town called Labbatt where the people drank Labbatt. Belgium is weird.

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Recipe for Disaster: Grown-up Grilled Cheese Whoever said grilled cheese is just for kids is obviously sober - er, we mean boring. Well, and sober. Here is our tasty twist on the classic grilled cheese, for those of you who’s fake says 21. What You’ll Need: Bread, cheese of all and any kind, bacon, beer, hot sauce, Tostitos, sour cream Cook Time: 5-10 Minutes Fatty Factor: Not terrible actually, considering we’d probably eat this sober. Let’s Get Baked: -Fry 3-5 strips of bacon (depending on how hungry you are) in beer. Maybe want to invest in some good beer for this recipe, because frying anything in watered down deer piss aka Keystone Light might be borderline disgusting. -Coat a skillet in butter. Butter two slices of bread, add a layer of sour cream, then place them on the skillet. Add cheese slices (the more the better, obviously) and the beer bacon strips. -Douse each slice in hot sauce -Right before you combine the two slices of heaven, add some Tostitos for a mouth watering crunch -Slice diagonally (the only way to truly enjoy a grilled cheese), and enjoy. Grilled cheeses are truly a gift from God. Like, it’s a sandwich of cheese. Adding this drunken spin on it will surely create a newfound favorite snack.

Stacks on stacks of grown-up grilled cheese, y’all.