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Friday, February 11th, 2011 ISSUE 10

valentine’s day gift giving ideas we’re here to help!

romance, baby how to do it right when you’re broke

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hey hallmark, we have some awesome card ideas for you!

valentine day cards for you to use!

How to Ruin Valentine’s Day for Everyone Else V

MICHIGAN STATE Alex Everard wrote this

alentine’s Day is ranked second worst day of the year, behind only 9/11. Trying to find someone truly happy on Valentine’s Day is like trying to find an optimist in a hospice. If you’re in a relationship, you feel one of two ways. If you’re male, you’re pissed off for 24 hours at this stupid fucking hallmark-made-up-bullshit-holiday because you have to spend $40 on flowers and shitty chocolate. If you’re a girl, you stress all day long about looking cute and debate for hours over which playful sex-related gift you should give your BF to turn V-Day from tacky to sexy (hint: he doesn’t want arousal gel, he just wants you to finally give in to whatever taboo you’ve been repeatedly deeming ‘too far’). And if you’re single, you’re just pissed that Valentine ’s Day exists and not “Casual Sex with Someone Out of Your League Day” doesn’t. But while the vast majority of the public either a) mourns the fact that they are single or b) mourns the fact that they are in a relationship, there are those select few couples that the very inner circle of Hell is reserved for. Yes, the disgustingly-cute, cliché couple leaving the coffee shop—the girl with her flowers and the guy with his “totally awesome” new book on understanding the female orgasm—walking hand in hand down the sidewalk, not a care in a world. Just look at them. Makes you want to run up to them with an “I’m going to vomit” face, hold it back and say “false alarm” before spewing every bit of lunch all over her unoriginal roses and his dumbass, clean-shaven face. “Oh, we’re so happy, will YOU be my Valentine BABE?!” “Oh, of course bunny-bear! Yes, I just combined a bunny and a bear, two polar opposite animals, into one pet name! That’s how freakin’ cute you are!” Here is my guide to destroying everything enjoyable that they have tried to suck from the worst day of the year, resulting in satisfying payback against those fucking pricks. 1) Old Unfaithful: This tactic can go both ways. Men and women can use the tool of infidelity and suspicion to ruin a happy couple’s day, and if you’re lucky, their entire relationship. Simply walk up to said couple, and direct a look of disgust and jealously at either the man or woman (usually, you would go with

the opposite sex, but if you’re feeling gutsy you can go same-gender staged adultery). Say things like, “after all those things you said to me? I find out about (him/her) like this? I let you see my downstairs mix-up!” Proceed to run away and cry, making it as theatrical as possible. When the damage is done, leave Mr. and Mrs. Perfect alone for some awkward arguing. 2) Alcohol: Get shitfaced and heckle people. You look like a jackass here and it’s not as subtle, but at least you’re not the worthless humans with the couple mittens on (see “smittens”: a set of mittens with 3 gloves, an extra large one in the middle to hold hands inside of. Price: your dignity, self-worth). All you have to do is insult everyone you see as rudely as possible. “Hey you poor bastard, I’ve seen prettier girls at the Republican National Convention!” “Yo Fuckface the third! When you have sex with her, has the Jane Goodall ever been taking notes in the corner?” “Look at this guy, I bet his Mom wouldn’t even let him suck on her tits when he was born!” Etc., etc., like so, until their dumb smiles are completely erased.

3) Make Them Married: If they’re so damn happy, why don’t they just get married? You can ensure awkwardness and questioning of their relationship after you walk up wearing a hotdog suit and hand the lovely lady a wiener with a cheap wedding band on it. Simply say, “He wants you to know, you’re the ketchup to his mustard, the wiener to his bun, and the corn dog to his corny ass persona. Will you marry this shithead?” Even if the guy plays it off smoothly, she will never forget. And if those fuckers do end up getting married, she will always remember that day as “try #1,” no matter how much he denies it. 4) The Favre: Send multiple pictures of your genitals to random phone numbers. This one is bound to screw someone with a nosey BF/GF over, and if not, at least ruin their day. So curl up with your best bourbon, your best insults, and your rudest humor and hit the streets to make sure anyone having a happy Valentine’s Day is having their last happy Valentine ’s Day.

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Romance Done Right: Valentine’s Day for the Desperate and Broke Ah yes, Valentines day. The one day a year that’s somehow automatically 1000x more romantic than any of the other 364 days of the year, and the one-day of the year it’s not socially acceptable to eat dinner in public alone. If you are not one of the fortunate few to be a part of a couple this Valentines, you can still take advantage of all the romantically themed things available to do. But first, you must grab a date. It can be anyone because on Valentines Day, there’s always someone out there more desperate than you. And so what if your date happens to be a pity date; at least you are not home alone cradling a hot-n-ready, bawling, and watching The Notebook for the 97th time (“if you’re a bird, I’m a bird”).

Gawel wrote this MICHIGAN STATE Justin UNIVERSITY

The Black Sheep Gift Giving Guide: Valentine’s Edition GYM MEMBERSHIP Want a not-so-subtle way to tell your not-so-hot partner that you no longer find them attractive, since all they do now is sit on the couch stuffing their face while (ironically) watching The Biggest Loser? A gym membership could be the hint they need to transform that Fat Damon into a Slim Belushi. If you want something a little less indirect, try opting for the Subway gift card. SET OF RAGS AND DETERGENT Looking for something for the domesticated housewife? Nothing says, “I love you, but you need to do a better job cleaning this sty, bitch” than a brand-spanking-new set of rags and name-brand detergent. Love really can be a beautiful thing at times.

DEODORANT OR PERFUME Are you sick and tired of your partner stumbling in at two-in-the-morning with a distinct odor ofblood and booze that just never seems to come out of the sheets no matter how much fabric softener you use? Buy them some deodorant or perfume and you can mask the smell of their hobbies and trick yourself into thinking that they were pulling a late night at the office instead of drinking at their fight club. LOVE COUPONS Basically a great way to say, “I’m poor.” Oh wow, coupons for things that I would normally get for free! ...What a great gift.Be sure to put expiration dates on them or you could face the possibility of an exboyfriend demanding to redeem his coupon, years after your breakup for one session of freaky-sexytime with you. Talk about awkward! BOTTLE OF BOOZE Arguably better than couples therapy. A bottle of booze lets you and your partner forget about all those little things that have impeded your ability to just get drunk and giggle again. You know, those little things like work, the children, and her dying mother, (who really needs to learn how to fend for herself for an evening while Mom and Dad get their buzz on).

COUPLES THERAPY What seems like a way to strengthen your existing relationship will turn into a fifty-minute bitch-fest once a week where he’ll complain that she doesn’t cook him breakfast everyday, and she’ll whine that he never wants to listen to the stories involving her friends.

BABY CLOTHES Now ladies, you may be thinking baby clothes as a Valentine’s Day present would be a cute way to tell your boo that you’re preggers. I assure you that it is not. Men don’t like Valentine’s Day in general, and telling him he will need to be responsible and stop drinking six nights a week is not going to make his day any better.

CONDOMS Tell her you bought her condoms because you don’t want her to be putting chemicals in her body with birth control or Plan B. In reality, you just don’t want her to find out that you contracted the Herp from that skank at the office. It’s the perfect Valentine’s Day lie. A GUN WITH ONE BULLET Is there any better way to say, “We’re done”?

Valentines day is essentially a test to see how much money you can spend on your date. But if you’re not in a relationship, shelling out for the lobster and flowers for a pity date screams desperation (more so than actually having a pity date). Even without spending your life savings, you can make this the classiest Valentines ever.

Andre Champagne, $4: A night starting with a bottle of Andre is a night soon to be filled with new beginnings, sugar rush headaches, and very regrettable decisions. Legend has it that when Andre christened his very first bottle, his speech to preface the celebratory bottle smash on the hull of the Titanic was this: “Hear ye, hear ye. I present to you the finest bottle of sparkling drank $0.18 or a BJ behind thee olde libation shoppe can buy you. I shall now break this bottle to see the Titanic off on its voyage and ship it off with all the luck in the world.”

Because of inflation (such a bitch), Andre is now the finest sparkling drank you can buy for $4. But Andre was right: Without his celebratory bottle smash, we never would have had the chance to see young Leo in his finest role (and in the movie you’ll put on when you’re alone on Valentines after The Notebook has ended). Taco Bell, $10: By now, you and your date should be buzzing pretty hard (or just plain drunk if you decided it would take more than one bottle of Andre to make it through the night with minimal awkwardness). And as a drunken instinct that runs through the minds of college students everywhere, it’s time to go to Taco Bell.

Your faces will be so awash with love and cheap booze that you won’t even notice the look of disgust on the worker’s face when you ask them if they have any romantically themed meals for two. Pick the booth by the front corner for prime people watching and potential cuddling. People always underestimate the romantic capability of Taco Bell. But even their sauces say beautiful things on them like, “Will you marry me?” or “I’m watching you.” Never Say Never, $20: You can’t turn back now. And how could you ever say never to Biebs? Welcome to his world…it’s 3D.

Leave the animosity towards Bieber behind and just bask in the glow of his unparalleled talent and flippy hair. Thankfully you’ll be drunk enough to sing along, and the judgments will be few… except maybe from the mothers with their 8-year-olds. If you don’t feel up to the challenge of competing with Biebs and singing along to “Baby,” feel free to sing Ludacris’s background part “yep. Uh huh.” “Baby.” The sound of true romance.

So the night is over, and you completed a date that played to all your desires and then there was Andre who dumbed most of your senses down. And in the spirit of Valentines Day, I hope that a naked baby tries to shoot you with an arrow and somehow that makes you and your pity date fall madly in love. Happy Valentine’s Day bitchez

Maggie Osorio STATE wrote this MICHIGAN

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deaR Hallmark

UNIVERSITY OF ILLINOIS Mike, Ben’s Son! wrote this

Dear Hallmark, hear back from you soon! Do I have a bone to pick with you, by God! I wrote you last year con- Larry Benson, e.s.q. cerning your Valentines Day cards, and you chose not to respond. I hope you know that because of this I threw away all of your cards, erased your --company’s phone number from my cell phone, defriended Hallmark on Facebook, and threw away all of the treats you made me. You really know Dear Mr. Benson, how to break a guy’s heart, and you can’t fix that with chocolate covered I am writing on behalf of Hallmark Cards to inform you that your card pretzels. suggestion will never appear on store shelves, ever. We at Hallmark would However, it is a new year, and I have decided to forgive you. I can’t stay like to make it clear, for legal reasons, that you sent us this card idea, and we mad at you, Hallmark! If you wish to make it up to me, then I want you to never, even for one second, considered it appropriate for store shelves. listen to everything I have to say. Sir, we would like to suggest that you receive therapy at once. This is the Ok, as you remember from my last letter I am trying to make a per- third time you have sent the same exact letter to us, with the same included sonalized card for somebody very dear to me. On your website you have material. To make ourselves especially clear, we will explain to you why we three categories of cards, “Romance,” “Kids,” and “Friendship.” First off, see your card as unfit for sale. for my card I was wondering if you could create First of all, Hallmark likes to keep all of their cards a category that combined all three of these. The safe for all ages. The picture you sent us described as, We at Hallmark would like reason for this is that when my special person re“you at the beach,” is clearly a photograph of a phallus ceives the card, I don’t want them to think that our being inserted into a water noodle. Further inspecto make it clear, for legal relationship is based on solely any one of those tion of the photograph shows that it was taken inside reasons, that you sent us things. I want the card to be a sort of, “Childish roof a rather disgustingly deteriorated bathroom, with this card idea, and we never, mance with a friend,” or, “Romantic interest with your face clearly shown in a mirror in the corner of the even for one second, my kid’s friends,” type of card. Basically I want to frame. From this picture we can determine that you are considered it appropriate say a lot with a little. It’s called poetry, ever heard the bearded man who has been hanging around Hallfor store shelves. of it? mark headquarters in Kansas City yelling profanities Secondly, I wish to put my own picture in this and scaring people away. Hallmark Cards is currently card. I cannot express my love using pictures of deciding whether or not to take legal action. Shrek or a teddy bear. This is an extremely personal card, and using As for the song, there is no way the song “Fuck the Pain Away” other people is just not going to work. I have already taken the picture, by Peaches will ever appear in a Hallmark card, especially one intended for which I want to appear in the card, and I have decided that no other pic- children, which you, for whatever reason, are so adamant about. ture will do. I have included the picture I wish to appear on the card in Sir, we once again recommend that you reconsider your life choices and this letter, it is a picture of me on the beach. seek help. And if you wish to send a card on Valentine’s Day this year, you are Thirdly, I want this to be one of those musical cards. Now, you have going to have to make it yourself, Hallmark will take no part in it. We pray many choices of songs, however, none of them quite fill my needs. I need that whoever receives a card from you this season will reconsider both of a song that is sexy, yet still expresses that I need more than sex in a rela- your lives. tionship. I have included a CD in this letter that features the song I have Please, please, stop writing. chosen for my card. Lastly, we need the words. On the cover I want it to say, “Roses are red, --violets are blue...” and when you open the card the music will play, my picture will appear, and the words will read, “and so is this friend who Dear Mr. Benson, wants to see you!” See, isn’t that nice? We have received your card, now leave us alone. Hopefully my card hits shelves soon so everyone can enjoy it! Hope to -Hallmark Cards

“”

VOCAB!

Here are a few words for you to learn, memorize, and use on a daily basis. Try it out and see what happens!

Braffling: Definition: Maintaining narration in your head, like Zach Braff on Scrubs. Sentence: “I was Braffling for like 5 minutes at McDonalds before I realized it was my turn to order.”

Valentine's Day Cards

...Cut â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;Em Out!

REPORT CARD MOVIE REVIEW title:

Seinfeld: An XXX Parody

So many porn stars, we are name(s): scared to write them...

suggestions:

When Valentine’s Day rolls around my mind naturally drifts to porn and comedy staples that never make me feel alone, oh so alone. Since I own zero hard copies of porn or Seinfeld (I DON’T, I’m a streamer and a dreamer my friends), a quick walk down internet alley led me to this little gem: Seinfeld: An XXX Parody. I watched it with my roommate, which is totally not gay because we fast forwarded through all the terrible dialogue and re-enacted the sex scenes – you know, just to really get a feel for the content.

CD REVIEW Name: Kanye West

My Beautiful Dark TITLE: Twisted Fantasy suggestions:

This week, Kanye West’s is on pace to sell the 1,000,000 copy of his latest album, My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy. A couple months ago, Pitchfork Media gave that same album an unprecedented and rare 10.0 out of 10.0 rating. Huh. The same guy with multiple drunk, danceable tracks; who grunts a lot; who talks a lot of shit; who is super duper confident and pretty awesome; who has tons of mainstream success… we’re curious as to what the hipsterist of hipster music saw in him. Here is our track-bytrack analysis of the album.

Click HERE for the rest of the review!

BOOZE REVIEW

BEER REVIEW

Name: Southern Comfort TITLE: Lime

ˇˇˇˇ ˇ

suggestions:

A-

Sprite – A Lemonade – B Coke – C Chewing Tobacco – D Straight up – B Alone on Valentine’s Day - F

Click HERE for more alcohol reviews

Name: Arbor Brewing Company

Olde Number 22 Alt TITLE: Bier Dark Ale

PRICE: $1.99/Bottle

D-

the beginning: As we get hit with yet another bruising, bone-chilling cold snap, I find myself looking more and more to the darker sections of the beer fridge. There’s just something about coming in from the cold to a fullbodied beer served just below room temperature that warms me to the bone. Besides, the low tonight is supposed to hit 11 below with the wind chill and “22” is… double… negative… oh hell, just drink some dark beer and stay bundled up.

Click HERE for more beer reviews