The Black Sheep by The Black Sheep

F*** it Fridays

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“Because you know you checked out on Wednesday...”

Friday, February 25th, 2011 ISSUE 12

YOUR WANG WHAT TO DO IT IT WHEN YOU’RE NOT DOIN’ IT

SEXY TIME FIRE IS NEVER, EVER SEXY, PEOPLE.

YOU’RE OLD HERE’S THE PROOF

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LIFE WITHOUT FACEBOOK IS THAT A LIFE YOU’RE WILLING TO LIVE?

COMPUTERS THEY’RE NOT VERY NICE TO US HUMANS

The Black Sheep Recaps World News: Egypt Edition MICHIGAN STATE STEVE RICKENBACHER WROTE THIS

ntegrity. Facts. Jorunalism. Related. Things. These are all words that have never, ever been used to describe The Black Sheep. This paper, which is near and dear to my heart of hearts, is known solely for penis ramblings, beer diet tips, and stories about boxed wine festivals Huey Lewis and the News-themed bacchanals… until now. In this article, we will give our expertise on the current issues of the day. No, this is not for some sort of scholastic requirement. The Black Sheep believes everyone should know about today’s pressing matters, like why Kennedy was assassinated. Currently, the world is still in aflutter with the Egypt situation. Basically, what happened was a bunch of dudes in sandals, who were tired of rebuilding the nose of that one statue, got on Twitter and then told the President to go fuck himself because, frankly, he was not a good president and he refused to stop being the President. For the record, that President is named Hosni Mubarark. That sounds like the name of a food that my 68-year-old Irish immigrant father “wouldn’t trust.” Other non-trustable foods are “chicken fingers,” “Hot Pockets,” and “Deceit Nuggets.” A Google executive then made a Facebook group that told the President to go fuck himself. Millions of people joined that facebook page. They really wanted that guy to fuck himself. That Google executive, who probably was as rich as that President, was banned from the country. Anyway, that entire facebook group decided to meet up in

real life in protest of Mubarak’s insistence upon continuing to live. In reaction to this, that Ol’ Deceit Nugget shut down the country of Egypt’s entire access to the Internet. Now, try to imagine a pre-199something internet-less society. No Facebook, no Twitter, no easy, imagination-less masturbation. All the dudes in that country probably had to rub up against the edge of a desk or something. We can all agree that that is indeed tyranny at its worst. When the absence of democracy forces an entire society of single, presumably hairy men to have balls that are bluer than a virgin smurf’s- a change must happen. And that’s exactly what happened. After what was either 17 days or four years of public protest and edge-of-desk jerkin’ it, President Hosni Steven Mubarak left the country for a coastal resort, which we can only assume is on Mackinaw Island. There’s a fort there and that’s probably where he is. After the ousting of this tyrant of tyrants, the entire world rejoiced. Not only was Egypt free to tweet about their lunch and watch the porno version of any Pauly Shore movie imaginable, but they were free. And they successfully started a revolution on the Internet, which is a hugely monumental accomplishment. In short, Egypt’s president was being a total douchebag. Some dude from Google told him to stick it up his ass, the Google guy got banned, no Facebook or nudie movies were allowed, a huge protest happened, Mubarak went to Mackinaw, a new, free country emerged. That is how revolutions happen now. Keep it here for all of your political type news and things. The Black Sheep: Jorunalism Type Things.

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Top 10: Things to do With a Boner Other Than Sex 10. SHADOW PUPPETRY. This is one of the oldest art forms known to man. Why no one decided to throw a dong into the mix is anyone’s guess. With a third appendage you can finally complete that giraffe on top of Noah’s Ark you’ve been working on. WROTE THIS UNIVERSITY OFSIEMAN ILLINOIS Reader, we are currently in the turn of what I believe is a new sexual revolution. I know, I know, the 70’s, huge flopping piles of naked people, whatever. That’s child’s play compared to what I’ve heard some people do for the sake of sex these days. This guy I know once combined various farm animals with the plot of a Bruce Lee movie during sex, anndddd I don’t want to talk about it anymore. Basically, garbage like that has forced me to compile a list. What does this list accomplish, you ask? Well, it shows that there’s a very fine line between the situations that are appropriate for some good old-fashioned intercourse, and the situations that make me curl up in the fetal position and cry nervously. Here is what you should and should not use in the bedroom. SHOULD: FOOD This is something that’s totally acceptable. A little chocolate syrup here, a little whipped cream there. In fact, sugary substances taste better when it’s mixed with some sweat. Weird? No, it’s beautiful. And isn’t eating sushi off someone the new “in” thing to do? Totes saw that in The Sex and the City movie. Now of course there are some things that are unacceptable. You shouldn’t be using someone’s bellybutton as a bowl for your cereal. Do you know a person whose bellybutton is that big? Let me know...

SHOULD NOT: FIRE Do I even have to say it? This is in no way sexy, and it’s definitely not safe. Actually, I take that back. I guess you can consider it “safe sex,” because you will sure as hell burn off any sort of STD you may have lurking around up there. And you know that fire will destroy any potential baby-making sperm in that old scrotum of yours. But in all seriousness, I heard that people have been starting to use fire as a form of kinky sex supplement. This gets a stamp of disapproval. SHOULD: LUBE Sometimes we all need a little lubrication in life. Even if you don’t necessarily need it, I suppose it’s just a nice addition. There are several flavors, tube sizes, and brands, so there’s something in it for everyone. But once again, there are some exceptions to the rules. Rumor has it Dee Brown used ranch dressing as lube. Now who’s the asshole that started that rumor, huh??? Well, Dee (and anyone else who has this strange fetish), if you’re reading this, I’d recommend Astroglide instead of ranch. It’s much less disgusting.

SHOULD NOT: CLEANING PRODUCTS It has never been good idea to pour Pine Sol and powdered bleach all over someone. Trust me. If you watch those really weird Oprah or Dr. Phil episodes, you’ll see that some people are addicted to eating soap and stuff. So you may wonder, is being covered in Clorox...hot? Is this...the right thing...to do? I mean, that Mr. Clean guy is a pretty darn good lookin’ fellow and all, but the answer is a resounding no. SHOULD: COSTUMES The ole Naughty Nurse, huh? A little bit cliché, but dressing up is great. In fact, I frequently walk around my apartment in my Chewbacca costume, and wear my Richard Nixon mask when I’m alone in my room. Nope, not a masturbation joke; I just like to sit there with my mask on. Anyway, it’s nice to be able to pretend that you’re someone you’re not every now and again. But you can’t just tell your partner to wear a bag over his head. That doesn’t count as a costume. SHOULD NOT: YOUR PARENTS Inviting your parents into your sexual excursions is the worst yet. You may argue the sentimentality of the situation. Maybe you want your parents there with you to share the moment, ya know, give you some pointers. A nice old “there ya go, Kiddo” and a pat on the butt. Maybe you need to employ your mother’s cam cording skills. Regardless of the reasoning, this is considered, well, fucked up, for lack of a better term. This is the closest to incest without it actually being incest, so take your sick fantasies down south or something.

I urge you to keep the sexual juices flowin’. I understand that there are times when things need to be spiced up a little bit, and I’m not trying to be a player hater. I’m just scared, is all. Literally scared. Who knows what kind of physical and mental scars this type of sexual experimentation can bring about? And how could I tell my kids that their grammy and pappy recorded their conception? Make wise choices.

9. Act Out Bad Pornos. EVER SEEN THOSE PORNOS WHERE THE PIZZA guy shows up at a hot girl’s house with a hole in the middle of the pizza box and his dick sticking through and says, “You ordered cheese but I thought you’d like an extra-large sausage”? Try to experiment with other ideas like putting it in the bottom of a popcorn bucket, in a hot dog bun, or next to a plate of flapjacks. The sky is the limit here. 8. ANSWER “YES OR NO” QUESTIONS. Every guy has done this at some point or another. It feels awesome to wag your cock around with reckless abandon. No matter how old you get it’s always funny to wave it around like it has a mind of its own and to answer questions for people. 7. TRY TO MAKE IT LOOK BIGGER. Most guys have average-size shafts, but try gaining an inch or two by playing with different viewpoints or lighting effects. Sometimes it’s fun just trying to will it to be bigger, I swear I gained like a quarter inch just by focusing really hard. 6. TUCK IT INTO YOUR WAISTBAND. This is the most useful skill any boy learned in middle school. It still feels odd but funny to try to have a normal conversation with someone whilst the tip of your schlong is poking out of your boxers. And if they notice it, refer to it as “Him.” “Oh you can see him? Don’t mind him, he’s just getting some air.”

5. PLUG A HOLE. We all know your shaft only fits comfortably in one hole (mouths have teeth and buttholes are kinda gross) but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try other things just for shits and giggles (the Titanic might have been saved had Leo only knew what his penis was for). After all, if no one had tried it, we would never have discovered the glory hole. 4. HANG THINGS FROM IT. The wang has a surprising amount of strength, so you may grow curious about how much it has. Coat hangers and hats are obvious favorites and you’ll feel like a stronger man to be able to hold up an entire three piece suit with only your piece.

3. BE A DESTROYER OF WORLDS. This is your chance to reenact a cheesy 50s’ horror movie in which a giant “something” destroys the world. Green army men and Legos are no match for your massive boner on a rampage.

2. DICK SLANG. This is the new dance craze that’s sweeping the nation. Rubber band a sock with some pennies in it on there and whip it around to your favorite Lil’ Wayne song while in your gym shorts. Then send it in a video message to you girlfriend on your anniversary. 1. CATAPULT. Your cock actually has a lot of elasticity so using it to fling small objects across the room should come naturally. The best part is you can turn it into a competition. Try to go for distance, hit a target or fling a Cheerio into your girlfriend’s cereal.

JOHN MCHONEYCOMBS WROTE THIS UNIVERSITY OF ILLINOIS

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THREE REMINDERS THAT YOU’RE GROWING UP

UNIVERSITY OF MISSOURI MATT TARPEY WROTE THIS

Getting older is a lot like getting drunk: It happens gradually and you’re barely even aware that it’s happening at all until you realize you’ve shit your pants and can’t remember a damn thing. There are, however, a few friendly reminders along the way to remind you of the fact that you have a lot more in common with people working 9 to 5 and complaining about traffic and weather and TPS reports than you do with teenagers wearing letter jackets and paying their older brothers $20 for a fifth of bottom-shelf vodka.

those guys in The Hangover. And even if you are able to meet a cavalcade of outrageous characters and reaffirm the bonds of your friendship through meaningful drunk conversations while making your way through strip clubs and casinos, your buddy is still getting married shortly thereafter. And if TV sitcoms and stand up comedy have taught us anything, that means he’ll spend the rest of his life asking permission to go to the bar with you, skipping poker night to go antiquing, and getting into petty arguments with his in-laws. You know, grown-up stuff.

“”

LEGALLY DRINKING FRIENDS GRADUATING/GETTING FULL-TIME JOBS After years of waiting, many of us are finally at that age where we can Even if you’re not the one graduating, that daylong rendition of pomp down a beer in front of our little sisters without our parents getting and circumstance still hits close to home. With friends who have gradumad at us. And while being 21 does afford the ated you don’t talk about assignments or professors luxury of being able to get plastered in an airport anymore; you talk about work and bosses. And you Chipotle, it also takes away some of the sexiness always can’t help but notice that your buddies who If TV sitcoms and stand of drinking. Remember in high school when getup comedy have taught us are out there in the real world are always extra exting alcohol, finding a driver, finding a place to anything, that means he’ll cited to get drunk with you, which you know, in the drink it, and possibly sneaking it in were all variback of your mind, is because they are that much spend the rest of his life ables that had to be considered? Never again will more desperate to leave reality. Work sucks, and no asking permission to go you have to plan out your night in such a complex matter whether your friends with full time jobs will to the bar with you. and detailed manner that it would make Danny tell you that or not, their little Freudian slips about Ocean wonder how you did it. And while that all their job, the way they throw back those shots with seemed like such a hassle back then, you can’t such desperate vigor, and that one lonely tear that deny that it did make that first swig from the Dasani Water bottle filled rolls down their cheek when you talk about how late you get to sleep in with Skol Vodka all the more satisfying. Which, incidentally, is the only the next day speak volumes. way to make Skol Vodka satisfying. The fact is growing up is part of life, and nobody is really all that happy FRIENDS GETTING ENGAGED about it. But in reality, nostalgia is a good thing; it helps you learn from How old were your parents when they first met? What about when they past mistakes, it’s the basis for hundreds of hit rock ’n’ roll songs, and got married? Now compare that to how old you are. If you’re anything it gets middle-aged men to buy that expensive sports car they always like me, you’re reaction was something like “shiiiiiittttttt.” We are actu- wanted as a kid. What’s important is to enjoy the present, because the ally reaching that age where our peers start seriously considering the future is coming one way or another, and worrying about it isn’t going prospect of getting married. And nothing brings that to light more than to help and damn bit. Ugh. I feel so grown up just typing that. I’m gonna a close friend popping the question to his girlfriend. Your first thought go take a pull of Skol in my friend Dave’s parent’s basement. will probably be about where you can score some roofies in time for the bachelor party so you can go on a madcap whirlwind adventure like

VOCAB!

Here is an amazing word for you to learn, memorize, and use on a daily basis. Try it out and see what happens!

BEIBERONIC PLAGUE Definition: The pointless proliferation of Justin Bieber fandom. Sentence: “I swear to god, if my girlfriend comes down with the Beiberonic Plague I’m dumping her.”

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A WORLD WITHOUT FACEBOOK

DANA BORZEA WROTE THIS WESTERN MICHIGAN

Let’s go back in time for a moment to 2006. The Pittsburgh Steelers won the Super Bowl, Flava Flav’s reality show debuted, and your friends would get mad at you for their rank on your MySpace Top 8. It was a time when life didn’t consist of constant status updates, intense stalking and annoying mobile picture uploads, a place where homework actually got accomplished. Facebook was launched in 2004, but only in the past few years has it transformed into the time-consuming monster it is today. Ahhhh yes, it seems difficult to remember but there once was a time when Facebook didn’t exist. Let’s image life TODAY without the great and mighty Facebook…. Just think of the shitloads of drama that WOULDN’T happen if there was no Facebook.

OMG DID YOU SEE WHAT HE POSTED ON HER PICTURE? OMG DID YOU SEE THAT FIGHT BETWEEN JENNIFER AND AMANDA ON HER WALL? OMG I CAN’T BELIEVE HE DIDN’T WRITE “HAPPY VALENTINES DAY” TO ME ON MY WALL!

None of those words would ever be spoken… Not going to lie, that would be my favorite part of the non-existence of Facebook. Bitchy girls wouldn’t have status to write sarcastic things about other girls they’re fighting with. Ex’s wouldn’t have the chance to completely stalk your life, nor would you be able to see how pathetic they’ve become. You could have countless hours of your life back instead of reading peoples’ opinions on every fucking thing from Justin Bieber’s new movie to how annoying Sammy and Ronnie are when they fight on Jersey Shore. Is it truly necessary for 48 people to have almost the exact same status voicing their opinion on something? Nopeeeeeeee. You wouldn’t be able to know what everyone is doing every 10 minutes of their day, oh damn how could we ever go on living!?! - -

The number of birthdays you remember will be cut probably by 95%. Besides your mom, dad, siblings and best friends, you sure as hell wouldn’t be wishing “happy birthday” to the girl who sat next to you in chemistry freshman year. The number of birthday wishes you receive will be cut down just as much. You wouldn’t feel as special on your birthday anymore without all of those people you never talk to wishing you a happy birthday! Imagine a world without Facebook, how would you know the next potential candidates for Teen Mom from your high school? Info on the newest preghos is always discovered on Facebook because you know no one actually kept in touch with those slutty girls. The biggest upside of Facebook-less life: your homework would actually get done. There’s a new app on Facebook that tells you how many hours you’ve used it since you have started your account. I’m even too scared to look at it…

For all you Facebook creeps out there, yes everyone is from time-to-time, you probably wouldn’t know about the latest relationships, break-ups, who got fat, who got pretty, who hooked up with who…I could go on for hours on all of the gossip discovered on Facebook. Whether it was from relationship changes, status, sarcastic likes, or revealing comments and/or photos, your social knowledge would diminish drastically. Don’t worry Facebook creeps, this is a fictional idea…the social networking site will always exist. You can stop panicking and go back to creeping.

But no seriously, I can’t ever foresee the end of Facebook.. We all can easily delete our Facebook profiles and go on living a much simpler, but less socially knowledgeable life, but who the hell wants to do that? It was nice for a second to imagine a life without Facebook, but now back to reality. Go change your status to “The Black Sheep is the shit.” Upload some pictures from your camera because you sure as hell don’t have them in your memory. Check out who your ex- has downgraded to. Yeah, Facebook is here to stay.

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COMPUTERS: GETTING TO BE PRETTY BIG DOUCHE BAGS UNIVERSITY OF ILLINOIS COREY GUASTINI WROTE THIS

It wasn’t terribly long ago that computers were huge entities that took up entire rooms. They were big, but weak. Asking one to square the number three involved changing seventeen vacuum tubes, sacrificing two black cats, and waiting for the moon to cycle from a waxing crescent to a waning gibbous. At that time, it might finally tell you nine—if you were lucky. They were humble, unassuming beasts much like blue whales or Louie Anderson. They definitely wouldn’t try to embarrass a person in the self checkout lane by yelling at them to place the item in the bag even though I clearly put the box of condoms in there already. These days they can fit in your pocket, and the fastest computers can perform trillions of operations per second. That would be all fine and good if they kept to themselves, but instead, they insist on shaming us humans. It started in 1996 when that asshole Deep Blue had the nerve to try and beat chess champion Garry Kasparov. This attempt at overthrowing the human race I’ll let slide because Kasparov is Russian, and a mild hatred of Russia is healthy. But now, IBM created this über prick “Watson.” As far as I’m concerned, there are two American heroes: GI Joe and Ken Jennings. Allowing a computer to take down such an iconic figure is a travesty. Computers contain things called “chips” that are integral to their functioning. Ken might as well have been defeated by a bag of Lay’s. It seems as if the goal of computers is to be the best at everything with no consideration for others. This characteristic, my friends, is the definition of a douche bag. Computers are the guy in gym class that stuffs the kid in the wheel chair, the girl that rubs her Coach handbag in the face of her poor classmate, and all truck owners that have to assert their masculinity by passing someone on the highway even though that person is going a good fifteen miles per hour over the speed limit—what more do you want?! Is it because I drive a blue Volkswagen Beetle with a sunflower shooting out of the built-in vase?

LIAM NEESON GONE WILD!

Neeson is staring in the film “Unknown.” What was the original title of the film?

Neeson was married to which famous actress, who died tragically in 2009?

That’s it, isn’t it? Well screw you and your Silverado 3500HD. Anyway, you better believe they would fuck your girlfriend if you gave them even the slightest potential for lust. They have access to all internet porn at all times, so they can study up on the most erotic maneuvers and please her in ways you could never dream of. Then the next thing you know, she’s shouting sequences of binary instead of your name while you’re doing her. Cocksuckers. Computers have even started to think they’re better than humans at de ciding the outcome of sports. What’s to stop them from ranking themselves number one in the BCS standings? Don’t be surprised if you soon find yourself tuning in to a National Championship matchup between a Big Ten powerhouse and a motley crew of MacBooks, PS3s, Kindles and Golden Tee arcade games. The worst thing about it all is that we created them. Imagine if the OompaLoompas started telling Willy Wonka how to run a factory and make chocolate after he was gracious enough to give them work in a harsh economic climate. I in no way think they have the mental capacity to pull such a thing off, but computers might! And from what they’ve shown us already, they have the nerve to do so. Unfortunately, I seem to be the only one in this camp who thinks computers are overstepping their bounds by making humans vie for superiority. The rest of America just “oohs” and “aahs” when anything faster or with a touch screen debuts. Am I saying all technological advancement needs to stop? No way. I love anything that can load dirty movies faster as much as the next guy. Computers just need to stop attempting to slowly dominate the things this country holds dear like women, sports, chess and daytime game shows. Or else IBM might as well call all of its creations “Brutus” because they’re bound to stab us in the back.

ANSWERS ARE A FEW BACKWARDS FROM HERE

Although he never completed his degree, what did Neeson study while in college?

In which role was Neeson nominated for an Oscar, but ultimately lost to Tom Hanks?

REPORT CARD MOVIE REVIEW TITLE:

Unknown

Liam Neeson, Diane Kruger,

NAME(S): January Jones SUGGESTIONS:

C+

Liam Neeson is 58! How does he have enough energy to make shitty action movies then not fall asleep while watching them!?

Movie Trivia Answers! 1. Unknown White Male 2. Natasha Richardson 3. Physics and Computer Science 4. Oskar Schindler in Schindler’s List

CD REVIEW NAME: Radiohead

TITLE: The King of Limbs SUGGESTIONS:

O B+

Ladies and gentleman, things are really starting to look up for us in this year, 2K11. It’s no longer super balls cold out, which means warmth, happiness, and summer break is on the horizon. Arcade Fire won a super prestigious award last week, which means perhaps the public is finally starting to wise up. Valentine’s Day is long over, and even the single ladies got a dope ass gift; Radiohead graced us with their presence and released a new album for our tripping pleasure. Okay, you don’t need to be on drugs to listen to and love Radiohead, but by golly it sure doesn’t hurt.

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BOOZE REVIEW

BEER REVIEW

NAME: Burnett’s

TITLE: Pineapple Vodka SUGGESTIONS:

O A-

ˇˇˇˇˇˇˇˇ

SPRITE – ACOKE – C+ FROM THE BELLYBUTTON OF A HULA DANCER - A PINEAPPLE JUICE – B+ MILK – D CHASED WITH A FREEZE POP – B LEMONADE – A-

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NAME: Atwater Block Brewery TITLE: D-Light

PRICE: $1.99/Bottle

B+

THE BEGINNING: Didn’t the Chrysler “Imported from Detroit” ad in the Super Bowl just give you a mix of the chills and the warm fuzzies? Well it did me, so deal with it. I’m not a Detroiter myself- in fact, I’ve said some negative things about the Motor City in my day (although I wouldn’t say them to Detroit’s face. I like my internal organs unstabbed). Even so, this Michigander had a smile seeing the ode to one tough town. Fun fact- Chrysler isn’t the first to use that tagline. Ford’s original pitch for the Mustang was “The new import from Detroit”. At any rate, I’ll gladly raise D-Lite in a toast to the D, and hope that it’s a toast I can offer again and again.

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