F* It Fridays, March 04, 2011 by The Black Sheep

F*** it Fridays

The Black Sheep brings you...

“Because you know you checked out on Wednesday...”

Friday, March 4th, 2011 ISSUE 13

CALL OF JUAREZ CALM DOWN AND JUST KILL SOMEONE...

MUSIC BABY! SONGS TO PLAY IN THE SUNSHINE

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BLACK SHEEP NEWS TEACHERS, FIGHTING REBELS, AND MORE!

THE REPORT CARD BEER, BOOZE, MOVIES AND MUSIC...PERFECT.

HOW TO GET RID OF A ONE NIGHT STAND MICHIGAN STATE BLACK BETTY WROTE THIS

ast night may have seemed to be a fantastic blur of tastes, sounds, sights and feelings beyond your most drunken fantasies, but in retrospect, having a race with your best friend to see who could finish a Shark Bowl faster caused your inner animal to unleash itself (beer goggles in full effect). You begin to feel the repercussions in the morning when you’re dying for a gallon of water, a bottle of Advil and…a man who is ten times your size? Then you start to panic, silently hyperventilate and think, “WHAT IN GOD’S NAME DID I DO LAST NIGHT!?” Unless you were roofied, you can probably put the pieces together. “Ok, I remember the whipped cream and spanking part, but where did these bite marks and glitter come from?” You’ve probably never felt more sober in your life until this moment, right? I’m sure your first instinct is to get this freaky-freak out of your bed and get them to hit the road, but how does one get a snoring beluga whale out of your bed without a harpoon? Easy. If you have nothing important to do all day, Don’t Wake Up. No, I’m not referring to actually dying in your sleep, which, at this rate, is probably what you want to do. I’m talking about taking the passiveaggressive route and just stay asleep. Sleep for as long as it takes, until they wake up, realize you’re sleeping, (hopefully being smart enough not to wake you, too), and pack up their shit and GET OUT. Walks-of-shame can be healthy experiences for everyone at least once in their lives, so be thankful you gave them that once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. And a job well done! “Shit, I just remembered I have this one thing to do” is also another fool-proof method to get yourself out of brunch with Last

Night’s Mistake. I mean, what are they really going to say, “No you don’t. I checked your schedule and you’re free all day.” That’s where you pull out the big guns, thank them for the semi-mediocre orgasm, wish them well, and show them to the door. Another tactic is using reverse psychology to turn them off or have someone call you because there has been an EMERGENCY! Just remember, both of these tasks require a certain amount of skill and a straight face. Think of something that would repulse you if you saw someone you just slept with doing and DO THAT THING. Maybe it’s picking your nose, farting, or having to drop a serious deuce (which requires fake toilet noises and maybe some groaning from the bathroom). This will have them running for the door in no time. As for the emergency, don’t say something too far-fetched like, “Oh my god, my grandma was just in a motorcycle accident and her body was kidnapped by the circus.” Use your brain, you go to Michigan State. If your heart is made of stone and you don’t care about anyone’s feelings, these last two tricks will work swimmingly. Mentioning fake STDs might get you a nice slap across the face, but will also have your little buddy running to schedule the quickest appointment at Olin, probably in tears. Just a casual saying like, “I’m so happy my herpes outbreak wasn’t bothering me last night when I met you! Made everything so much less awkward!” Last but certainly not least, have a member of the opposite sex call you, and before you hang up the phone, say “Ok, bye baby, I love you,” insinuating that you’re actually taken, but have no morals or understanding of fidelity. If all else fails, creep him or her out and tell your one-night-stand that you are absolutely in love with them and can’t wait to get married… all while clutching them ever so tightly. If none of these excuses work, consider yourself fucked. Literally.

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Video Game Controversy: “Call of Juarez: The Cartel” Is Too Accurate

Five Awesome Sunshine-Y Songs It’s been beautiful in Athens, Georgia. With students basking in the sun on various lawns around campus, hotties running shirtless down Milledge Ave, and hipsters walking their pups downtown, we at the University of Georgia really know how to soak up the sunshine. While this 75 degree weather we’re experiencing is a little out of the ordinary, we’re not complaining one bit. Sucks to be you, northerners! Here are five super sunny songs for you to listen to in this gorgeous weather and some suggestions for what you should do while listening to them.

WROTE THIS UNIVERSITY NICK OFPLAGMAN GEORGIA

The upcoming video game Call of Juarez: The Cartel, which invites players to “embark on a bloody road trip” to the Mexican border city of Juarez, has upset critics and has made Mexican officials very eager to provide the game with as much free advertising as possible.

Unlike the previous two Call of Juarez games by Ubisoft that take place in the old west, this new edition inserts the player into the city during present day- a time when “some of the most brutal fighting yet between drug cartels in the region rages on.” (CNN)

Because Juarez is already known for its drug-cartels and murder rates that make downtown Detroit look like a day-care center, Mexican officials worry not only that Americans may begin to think of Mexico as a less than hospitable country in which to reside, but also that the negative publicity towards Juarez could affect the revenue stream drug cartels’ generate from kidnapping tourists. “Of course, it is something that those of us who love our city don’t like at all,” Jose Reyes-Ferriz, the former mayor of Juarez, told CNN, “it’s something that demeans our city.”

Reyes-Ferriz, who feels that violence in and around Juarez is “not something to be made light of,” fears gamers could have their entire image of the city created by the game, given that they’re not like the older public who follow events in Juarez via the news media- events such as the 72-hour span between February 17th and February 20th in which 53 people in Juarez were murdered. Likewise, young gamers could see Juarez as a violent city in a fictitious video game as opposed to seeing the city as it truly is- one that averaged 8 murders per day for the first 40 days of 2011. Rather than do something about the 320 murders that accompanied the first 6 weeks of the New Year, lawmakers in Chihuahua, the state in which Ciudad Juarez resides, are asking federal authorities to ban the game in Mexico, lest risk Juarez being labeled as less than safe. This outcome seems unlikely, and unfortunately for the Chihuahuas, this isn’t the first time a video game has successfully based their violence on real-life circumstances. In the first three games of Activision’s Call of Duty franchise, gamers fight the Nazis in World War 2; not until game #5 (World at War) are the Japanese held accountable for their attack on Pearl Harbor. But where Nazi special-interest groups, working in allegiance with the ACLU, GLAAD, and NAACP, failed in their attempts to get the game banned, Chihuahuan lawmakers hope to succeed.

Granted, games based on World War 2 tend to be historically accurate, and the parties involved are either too old to be offended or are still hiding in Argentina. The recent Call of Duty: Modern Warfare series, however, takes place in unnamed Middle Eastern countries and, as critics predicted long before the first Modern Warfare was ever released, has caused young gamers to falsely associate the Middle East with instability and, in some cases, even violence. Although the countries are never identified, the ACLU protested on their behalves. For those eager to know when they should be offended, Call of Juarez: The Cartel is due to be released sometime this summer. But beware: this game is going to have realistic, violent content, and may not be suitable for people who don’t like really fun video games. In a related story, Vice City has filed a lawsuit against the creators of Grand Theft Auto: Vice City for giving young gamers the impression that citizens of their city get points for beating hookers.

Sunshine—Matt Costa Listen to it when: You’re booze cruising on your rich friend’s boat at their lakehouse. Don’t forget to raid their parents’ liquor cabinet for pricy bottles! Why it’s perfect: Ahh yes, the sounds of a lazy summer. Sure, you’re only halfway through the semester, but nothing will get you more amped for the extended break of all day binge drinking and marathon sleeping than this tune. It’s acoustic and laidback, and ideal for pretending that you are on your own boat, and that your friend is actually your butler named Jerome. Exclaim in an accent “Jerome, another mojito please!” as your friend looks at your curiously and hands you another beer bong.

Sunlight—The Harlem Shakes Listen to it when: You’re in between classes on a warm, sunny day, iPod in hand. As you hum to yourself, you realize that the sight of your campus in perpetual chill mode as kids nap on the grass and do homework on a bench is the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen. Why it’s perfect: It’s proven that life is just all around better when it’s nice outside. This indie, upbeat jam will really put things in perspective as you relish in your surroundings. The weather is fantastic and everyone is enjoying the shit out of it, so put your worries aside for the time being and soak it up. You’re in college for God’s sake, you’re in the prime of your life! Who cares if you have three midterms and a paper between you and spring break? You’re living the fucking dream.

Sunshine—Atmosphere: Listen to it when: You want to spend all day hugging the toilet, puking after a night of heavy intoxication, and gorging on a large meat lovers pizza. Then you look outside, realize it’s beautiful, and say “Fuck it. Gimme a beer.” Not before you put on your shades though - damn, that sun is bright. Why it’s perfect: So last night was fucking ridiculous, as evidenced by your deadly hangover today. Best way to cure your pounding headache and queezy stomach? Day drinking outside in the sunshine. Atmosphere’s mellow beats and lyrical genius create a perfect song for chilling out and nursing the after-effects of those 8 shots of whiskey with fresh air and more drinking. Throw this on while you sit on your porch, soak up the rays, crack open a beer, and just think to yourself, “Damn, I love drinking. Life is good.”

Sunrain—Lotus Listen to it when: The sun is setting over the water after a long day of laying in the sand and sipping margaritas on the beach, and it’s time to get pumped up for the evening’s festivities. Why it’s prefect: Not only does this song make you wanna take some e and dance your face off, but even without drugs it will also make you fucking happy. Not that you should be sad, you’re wasted on the beach. The jam-electronica vibe is great for getting your blood flowing and body moving, and is sure to initiate an epic dance party in the sand. Good Day Sunshine—The Beatles: Listen to it when: You’re feeling outdoorsy and spontaneous one afternoon, not to mention your bro just scored some killer shrooms so you gotta do something worthwhile on them. So pack some lunch, grab some beers, and head down to the river for a day of trippy sunbathing and swimming in the warmth of nature. Why it’s perfect: What isn’t fucking amazing while you’re listening to The Beatles? I could probably tell you a thousand awesome things to do while you groove to this song, but it seems fitting to combine hallucinogens with the joyous tunes of Paul, John, Ringo, and George. You’ll probably come up with some theory that they wrote this song PRECISELY for this day and bond with the rock that you’re perched upon, but hey, that’s kinda the point isn’t it?

ALI MISNER WROTE THIS UNIVERSITY OF GEORGIA

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THE BLACK SHEEP RECAPS WORLD NEWS: VOLUME II

MICHIGAN STATE UNIVERSITY STEVE RICKENBACHER WROTE THIS

In an attempt to keep our reputation of journalistic and ethical integrity, The Black Sheep will continue to bring you, the loyal dick joke hungry, but also politically savvy reader, the latest in geopolitical news. And dick jokes. It’s not only a duty, but a privilege to once again unite these two pillars of higher academic learning and barely coherent thought. They go together perfectly. Like peanut butter and jelly. Like Red Bull and vodka. Like Hall and Oates. Like Charlie Sheen and cocaine.

Sadly, the teachers are undoubtedly fighting a fight that they should not be fighting. It’s a well-known fact that teachers are paid ridiculous sums of money. Obscene amounts. For instance, I had a teacher in high school who wore a pair of khaki pants every day. How much money do you think that costs? A fucking shitload, that’s how much. Those Scrooge McDucks should go back to their bathtubs full of nickels and their book shelves and leave the arguing to people who have been arguing all of their lives, the Libyans.

“”

In the last week, there have been two more sizeable protests that were inspired by the “Mubarak, Go Fuck Yourself” situation in Egypt, which That’s right, the other, more exciting and Those Scrooge McDucks will go down in history as ‘Go Fuck Yourgovernment overthrowing protest this week should go back to their self-Gate.” However, it’s more than likely is happening in a place that is constantly on bathtubs full of nickels and that only one of them will end revolution everyone’s mind at all times, Libya. Presitheir book shelves and leave and an overthrown government, as one of dent (more like shithead, huh, who’s with the arguing to people who these acts of a bunch of people standing in me?) Muammar Gaddafi has been controlling have been arguing all of their one place at one time is taking place in one Libya with his weird face and weirder robes lives, the Libyans. of the world’s biggest, most barren shitfor over 40 years now. Inspired by the aforeholes: Madison, Wisconsin. mentioned happenings in Egypt, the people of Libya decided that they wanted a guy who looks less like a For the last week or so, the area around the capitol building in deflated basketball to run the show and protested the shit out Madison has been filled with union members from the public of their always-grotesque leader. Unlike Mubarak, Gaddafi has sector protesting against Governor Scott Walker. The protest- called the protestors “idiots jerks” and “real buzz kills” and has ers have demanded that they retain the right to collectively refused to give up his seat of power. However, the people of bargain with the government after taking a pay cut and a loss of Libya, who are famous for giving titty twisters and typewritbenefits . Basically, what that means is that a bunch of teachers ers, will probably have the 216-year-old cornhusk with eyeare argumentatively standing in a parking lot so the govern- brows out of office by early March, which is right in time for ment will let them argue again at a later date. It’s an incredibly St.Patrick’s Day, or as they call it in the anti-Christian country gripping situation that will most likely turn into a film starring of Libya, Thursday. Bruce Willis, Paul Giamatti or the guy who does the voice of the E*Trade Baby (shout out to my boy Pete Holmes). VOCAB!

Here is an amazing word for you to learn, memorize, and use on a daily basis. Try it out and see what happens!

CALENTARD Definition: A guy or girl who has no idea what day it is. Sentence: “No Kendra, it’s Sunday, you calentard.”

REPORT CARD MOVIE REVIEW TITLE:

B O

Hall Pass

Owen Wilson, Jason

NAME(S): Sudeikis, Jenna Fischer SYNOPSIS:

Aren’t guys crazy, what with their sex and pooping and stuff?!

CD REVIEW NAME: Lykke Li

TITLE: Wounded Rhymes OVERVIEW:

O A-

Over the years I had defined myself as “not a fan of female singers.” I thought they were boring and cliché, and I just didn’t dig the usually weak voice or demure demeanor. But then the badass sister duo Tegan & Sara came into my life, then Jenny Lewis with all her Rilo Kiley gloriousness, and Leslie Feist had always been a standout in Broken Social Scene. And out of nowhere, (well, Sweden actually), came Lykke Li. The unusually named artist crept into my life randomly on a mixtape from a friend, and her unique subtle voice and dancey tunes has made me rethink my feelings on female singers. Li is totally original, talented and interesting while still being feminine and relatable. She is “out there” without seeming unapproachable, and she’s only getting better.

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BOOZE REVIEW

BEER REVIEW

NAME: Sobieski

TITLE: Cheap Ass Vodka SUGGESTIONS:

O C-

ˇ ˇˇˇˇˇ

COKE – B SPRITE – BLIME WATER – C TONIC – D STRAIGHT UP – DOFF YOUR NEW BRIDE’S BUTTHOLE - F

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NAME: Magic Hat Brewing Co.

Vinyl Lager

TITLE: Spring Seasonal

O A-

PRICE: $1.99/Bottle

THE BEGINNING: I write this review in the midst of a late-February thaw. The snow is melting, I can see sweet blessed grass- I even left the confines of the workout room to run outside (and then I learned that melted snow has to GO somewhere. Namely, ankle deep mud). Now granted, winter is in no way done with the Midwest. The other shoe will truly drop, and old man winter will deliver a spinning backflip snow kick to our collective face. For the time being, though, enjoy the 45-degree heat wave and tip up the first spring seasonal of the year

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