F*** it Fridays
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“Because you know you checked out on Wednesday...”
Friday, March 11th, 2011 ISSUE 14
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Unreal World
What if all the Disney princesses were on a reality TV show together?
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Top 10 Most Influential Facial Hair
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Finding Emo We tear up wondering what happened to those kids
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God Hates Fags
Not really, but he probably hates those douchebags that say that
Sex and the CU:
Remembering the Glory Days
UNIVERSITY OF ILLINOIS Esteppington wrote this
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riters are supposed to write about what they know. Since I never go to classes and I forget everything that happens whenever I drink, basically my whole life comes down to two things: sleeping, and my job teaching 5th graders. So, lately my love life has consisted entirely of watching eleven-year-olds flirt with each other (Editor’s note: No, that doesn’t sound creepy at all.). And it’s really been hitting me hard. Not the fact that they have better love lives than me, I’ve been aware of my lack of anything resembling game for years, so those tears were shed long ago. No, what’s been hitting me hard is my having to watch how easy it is for them and wishing we could still have that way of life today. Because I may not be smooth now, but back in elementary school I was the KING. So, for this week’s edition of Sex I’ll reminisce about some of our yesteryear’s best tactics for chasing girls. Starting with... The Top 5 Top 5s were everybody’s go-to method of revealing what girls or guys they were feelin’ on at the moment (literally). In my school people’s top 5s would change every hour or so, sometimes several times per minute. Ooh, Andra’s wearing her hair in a ponytail today; let’s bump her up to number one. Whoa, wait a second; I just saw her pass a note to Josh, that’s not okay. Down to number five you go. Oh man, she just laughed when I said it smells like fart in here, though! Okay, back to number one. Man, she totally likes me. I might marry her. Nope, Josh just touched her hair. What a fucking slut. This kind of psychotic thought process would go on all day in everyone’s minds, until somebody asked you, “What’s your top 5?” Then you’d write it down and inevitably everyone in class would see it, all the girls on the list would be flattered, and you’d have a girlfriend or three for a couple
weeks. Speaking of writing, I also miss...
Notes Specifically, notes written with Gelly Roll pens. When you got a note from a girl and she used a Gelly Roll to write it, you know she’s thinking about boom-booming in the cubby holes. And if she were to alternate colors?? Well, that was the elementary school equivalent of walking into your apartment to a girl lying naked in the Burt Reynolds position. In that situation, you always circle “yes.” But sometimes the girls wouldn’t be so obvious. That’s when you’d get to resort to...
Sneaky Three-Way Calling My God why does nobody do this anymore?? I’m sure we’ve all done it a few times. You like somebody, so you call your best friend and tell them to dial in your crush so you’ll all be on the line together. The trick is you stay quiet and your friend doesn’t tell your crush that you’re secretly eavesdropping, hoping the girl can’t hear your erection over the phone. Then your buddy asks the crush if they like you. If they say yes, that shit turns into Ricki Lake and there’s the big reveal: “Well I’m glad you said that because guess what? John’s here in the studio with us!” But by far the best part about elementary school romance was...
The Violence=Romance Phenomena Nowadays if you hit a girl you go to jail for assault and battery and end up on the next episode of Cops with your shirt Photoshopped off and a mullet Photoshopped in. However, 10 years ago it meant you liked that girl. She would be flattered on the inside and pretend she hated you on the outside... but you both knew. And there’s something beautiful about that. I guess the moral of all this is that being grown-up totally stinks like fart. Man, I need to find a new job…
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Top 10: Most Influential Facial Hair Disney Princesses: The Reality Show
wrote this university Fratastasia of illinois
As a college kid, I admit to watching nothing but a variety of gems such as Jersey Shore and Flavor of Love re-runs. When you’re in class all day learning about God knows what, you just need a little low-brow entertainment to keep you from hurling yourself off a building! How do we solve this boredom? Watching other people do stupid stuff. Reality TV is perfect because the possibilities of whom we can throw on TV and laugh at is virtually endless. But if a TV producer came up to me one day and asked me what I’d like to see on the next reality TV show, I’d definitely suggest a Real World-style Disney princess show, and instead of an über trendy city loft, you stick all them hoes in some castle. To many people my request is a bit unrealistic, but don’t lie; I know you too have always wondered what it would be like if all the Disney princesses you grew up with got together. They couldn’t possibly get along! The idea of being a princess is that YOU’RE THE ONLY ONE! See, I’d find the new sides of the princesses to develop a little like this: Belle: The Know-It-All. I always thought Belle to be the smartest of the princesses, but I see how that could get annoying after a while. She’d be that girl you go to for advice in the castle, but somehow after the talk you feel a little worse about yourself. Belle would often be seen reading and lecturing the girls on the importance of not being shallow… Yeah, no one would like her.
To those who don’t think Gillette is the best a man can get, this is a salute to you. But you have a few crumbs in your chin. 10. Friedrich Nietzsche-While the German philosopher’s works in existentialism, nihilism, and postmodernism are regarded as pretentious bullshit, his walrus mustache will forever remain his most influential and remarkable achievement—if you gaze long enough into his mustache, the bristles also gaze back into you. 9. Abraham Lincoln-Seven score and a decade ago, a tall, gangly man from Kentucky assumed the Presidency, and he did it in classic bro-style: chinstrap ready. He implemented a strap of the bros, by the bros, for the bros, and never shall it be shaved.
8. Tom Selleck-Moans from Mr. Magnum’s prickle can still be heard across Oahu today. Actually, Vietnam ops didn’t know the war ended because they were reportedly lost in Selleck’s mustache. Tragically, Selleck has since shaved his face-brush but its remnants remain in the tingling loins of middle-aged women and the AVN hall of fame.
7. Ron Jeremy- Master of autofellatio, and porno ‘stache pioneer, Jeremy’s mustache is an iconic salute to the 1970s porn industry, where Deep Throat (not the guy who tattled on Nixon) and Flesh Gordon topped the adult charts. The Hedgehog’s tickler not only embodies a genre of entertainment but it defines a generation, during which Dr. Prick, Girth Powers, and Long John Silver flexed their ten-inch staph. 6. Santa Claus-Easily the most recognized beard in America, Santa’s white fluff doesn’t have the merry origins you’d expect. Although the claymation sensation Santa Claus is Coming to Town depicts the beard as a consequence of harsh winters, the real Saint Nicolas actually grew a beard as a facial mask because he happened to harbor prostitutes. His jolly cheer, “ho, ho, ho” was mere business, not laughter.
Ariel: The Slut. C’mon, the only reason she wanted to have legs was to spread them. She’d be causing trouble by stealing all the princes and sleeping with the same camera guy as Jasmine.
5. Elvis-While Elvis and his fans rocked to the Jailhouse, the first pair of well-groomed fur sticks—since President Van Buren’s—danced beside his ears. The rebellious, post-pubescent identifiers warned his admirers of unwarranted lust, his devil in disguise. Although America’s second favorite Hound Dog—second to the fox’s friend— has since perished, the mutton’s will forever live on in his dedication to them, “Love Me Tender.”
Snow White: The Dumbass. Maybe it’s her excruciatingly high-pitched baby voice, but I never could take Snow White seriously. She’s never been known for making good decisions; like didn’t your parents ever tell you not to take food from strangers? She’ll probably be sent to the hospital by the sixth episode for drinking dishwasher fluid because someone dared her to.
3. Rollie Fingers-Not to be confused with Mr. Jeremy’s friend “Fingers,” Rollie was possibly the best relief pitcher in the history of baseball; along with donning the finest groomed Snidley Whiplash ‘stache to ever grace the diamond. Sadly, upon retirement Rollie was allegedly seen in a top-hat tying a young mistress to train tracks in Milwaukee. He has yet to testify in court.
Jasmine: The Hard-Headed Bitch. This girl knows how to get what she wants. If she’s not giving them the “I run this shit, you street rat” attitude, then she’s sending her tiger off to eat all Cinderella’s singing birds and forest creatures. Jasmine was always a sneaky fighter, so no doubt she’d cause the most problems in the castle.
Cinderella: The Quiet One. She never had a whole lot to say. Cinderella just kind of cleaned and kept to herself most the time, so in the show you’d probably just see her blurred in the background maybe trying to call Prince Charming on the castle phone because no one likes her. She probably won’t get a lot of face time on the show…
Aurora: The Druggie. The sleeping beauty would be too knocked up on narcotics the whole time to know what’s going on. Forget the drama, she just wants to sleep dammit. By the third episode, the rest of the princesses would send her off to rehab or something. Well, I think with the right technology we could start up a whole new breed of Bad Girls Club. The Disney princesses may seem sweet and innocent when they are the only one in the spotlight, but the moment you make them share that light, you bet it’s gonna’ get real! You can’t possibly say you wouldn’t watch these girls duke it out.
4. Bearded Lady-Since garnering popularity in P.T. Barnum’s circus as a “side-freak,” the intrigue of female facial hair remains in constant fluctuation. Frida Kahlo imagined the moustache in her paintings; Heidi Klum eroticized it in that milk ad; and now Hillary Clinton wants to normalize the female facial hair in her up-and-coming political campaign. Consequentially, Sarah Palin claims she wants to be the first bearded President.
2. Rasputin-Commonly known as the creepy bat-loving man who sold his soul to the devil in the child-favorite film Anastasia, the gypsy’s beard was actually a sex symbol. Throughout his life he was regularly involved in the Khlysty, an orgy club, claiming he received grace through sin. Sadly, breaking up the Tsar regime came back to haunt him. Upon his death, his beard was tragically chopped off: he was then shot, castrated, beaten with his own penis, drowned in ice, and then burned for good measure. This is the first documented case of overkill.
1. Jesus of Nazareth-Possibly the world’s most famous carpenter also sported one of the world’s finest beards. In fact, his beard was so luscious, and apparently delicious, he donated it—like you would a giant fruit cake—to the citizens of Jerusalem, on which they feasted. Moments later, Jerusalem experienced the largest known fur-ball ever recorded.
Burson r wrote this universityTom of michigan
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university of illinois xXm!Ke_</3_BeNsOnXx wrote this
The year is 2003. Skateboarding is still counter-cultural, Fallout Boy has just released Take This to Your Grave, and emos are spread throughout the globe like a dark and looming depression. The mall is the breeding ground where they soak up manufactured angst and fill their skinny, pale bodies with nicotine and insecurity. While Hot Topic employees and anti-depressant manufacturers are more than thrilled with this surging movement, the rest of the world is beginning to grow tired of the pre-pubescent pop-punk vocals and second hand smoke. And then... they were gone.
As fast as you could say, “I’ve got a dark alley and a bad idea that says you should shut your mouth (summer song),” the emos, who for so long terrorized the population and ruined everything cool about punk, vanished like the lost colony of Roanoke Island. With the eyeliner industry in a panic and Myspace quickly becoming the abandoned amusement park of the internet, the only question that could be asked was, “Where did they all go?” Did they all die out in tragic hardcore dancing accidents? Did skinny jeans inhibit the male’s ability to reproduce? The conspiracy theories were many, however, the fact still remained that emos were disappearing, which was leading to a drastic reduction in Drop-D screamo bands and was causing the people at “To Write Love On Her Arms” to cut their wrists and kill themselves. As strange as the disappearance was, even stranger is the sudden resurgence of the word “Hipster”. Was it a coincidence that the emos vanished just as “Hipsters” awoke from years of frozen slumber in The Velvet Underground’s secret counter-culture batcave? In my opinion, there is no coincidence at all. Emos simply evolved into the modern day Hipster, giving the illusion that they vanished. Let me take you through it step by step. The AC/DC Phase: Every person who is into any kind of rock music started in this phase. Usually coming on at around fifth grade, the AC/DC phase separates the men from the boys. This stage is usually characterized by AC/DC or Led Zeppelin t-shirts purchased from Wal-Mart, walkmen on the bus to school blasting “You Shook Me All Night Long,” and a love for “School of Rock” style rock clichés.
The Pantera Phase: While the AC/DC phase does the best it can, it is not heavy enough to deal with the anger and confusion that comes with adolescents. For this reason, the next line in the progression is the Pantera phase. In this phase, long hair and black clothes come into the mix, along with contempt for pop music and anything mainstream. Usually occurring in sixth grade, the kid in
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the Pantera phase can be found outside school dances smoking cigarette butts found on the ground.
The Hawthorne Heights Phase: At last, we come to the emos. While still confused and angry, kids in this phase wish to maintain a heavy and angsty edge to their music. However, in this phase the kid also starts dating, and therefore is experiencing soul crushing sadness, which can only be cured by cigarettes, crazy hair, and melancholic melodies in their music. The black clothes from the Pantera phase carry over, however, they get extremely tighter.
The Death Cab for Cutie Phase: Upon entering High School, the emo wishes to redefine himself. While still liking melancholic music, the kid in the Death Cab phase is more mellowed out and never speaks again of his screamo days. However, the tight clothes remain, though they become more brightly colored and usually include old sweaters and maybe a flannel here and there. Instead of emo, the kid has now become “Indie Fresh.” Thick-rimmed glasses make their first appearance in this stage.
The Bright Eyes Phase: After a few soul-crushing years in High School, the Indie kid becomes a little more downtrodden. In this stage, the Indie kid starts making his own sad folk music with the guitar that he bought in the AC/DC stage but never played. After listening to Bright Eyes for a while, the Indie kid will naturally progress towards Conor Oberst and The Mystic Valley Band, leading to a fondness of alt. country and folk.
The Fleet Foxes Phase: In this stage, the term “Hipster” can officially be applied. This is the kid who grows out his beard towards the end of high school and starts wearing flannel 24/7. This person idolizes Justin Vernon and Jeremiah Johnson and enjoys reading Ernest Hemingway under a tree in the summertime. Because of a love for folk bands like Fleet Foxes, this person will now be officially introduced to the website Pitchfork.
The Ariel Pink Phase: The full progression has now taken place. Often toting a mustache with capris and a v-neck, we are now faced with a “Hipster Douchebag,” a name applied by people who stopped at the Pantera phase and never progressed. This person loves Ariel Pink’s Haunted Graffiti, even though they are the worst band since KISS. And there you have it, folks. The emos never died or disappeared, they grew up and became hipsters. I’m gonna miss them, though. Hipsters are way stingier with cigarettes.
Tapasstry Definition: Having sex with a stoner on their hippie band tapestry. Sentence: “Last night Kevin and I smoked a bowl and put on some Phish. Then I tapasstried him on his tapestry.”
Offended by the “God Hates Fags” Retards? Why?
Nick Plagman – Georgia
This week the Supreme Court ruled in favor of the Westboro Baptist Church’s right to protest that “God hates fags” at military funerals. Founded by and comprised almost entirely of the sanity-challenged Phelps family, the church, which is about as Baptist as Al Sharpton is a reverend, has brought one of the single greatest problems with America to the forefront- allowing ourselves to be offended by retards. In March of 2006, the Phelps family protested the funeral of a marine who was killed in combat; his father sued the Phelps for the emotional pain they caused by showing up at the funeral, even though they were 1,000 feet away and couldn’t be seen or heard.
The Phelps family are the laughing stock of America. Al Sharpton would never admit a black man was guilty of a crime, a mosque will never publicly denounce extremists, Mexicans will never admit the country they fear being deported back to is a shithole, but white people, Christians, and true-blooded Americans have zero problem calling out nutjobs, just so long as they’re not minorities. Is the Phelps family insane? Absolutely. Does medical science understand how someone could even come up with the idea that soldiers who fight for our freedoms are being killed by God because gays reside within our borders? Hell no. You could lock the greatest minds in history in the same room for a month and they wouldn’t be able to come up with a story that outrageous. The Phelps family is like The Matrix of psychos- how do they come up with this stuff??
So imagine this- your father was killed overseas in the line of duty; he gave his life defending our rights as free Americans. 1,000 feet away, out of sight and out of earshot, several dozen retarded monkeys are throwing their poo and yelling about how aliens sniped your father from their spaceships with a laser rifle as punishment for Americans’ tolerance of aspartame-sweetened soft drinks. Of course, you didn’t know about these monkeys till you saw them on CNN, but you’re still going to go out of your way to be offended and try to stick it to them in court.
They’re retarded monkeys. They’re preaching nonsense so retarded that it borders on genius-level retardation. Although, don’t forget they have yet to explain why the aliens are sniping soldiers instead of the producers of diet sodas, but we’re so busy being offended that no one bothers to ask. Granted, because they’re so influential, so well-respected, and selfcertified as speaking on behalf of God, ignoring the Phelps’ family is a
on DVD
challenge that God Himself wouldn’t be able to overcome- at least not without help from the Phelps. Allowing such lunacy to go in one ear and out the other would be like allowing a dog to sniff your crotch without pressing charges for sexual assault; and the day that happens is the day American soldiers deserve to die- that is, after they’re done dying as punishment for the existence of gay people. In a related story, recent surveys show that the overwhelming majority of American youths are confused as to what “God hating fags” has to do with gay people. “Does God hate fags and gay people?” Asks Billy Martin, a 7th grader at Highland Park Middle School in Kansas City, MO. “I don’t like fags, either- no one does. Like, last week that douche Tim Dalton told on me for copying his answer to number 6 on our geometry quiz- he’s such a fag. What does that have to do with gay people, though?”
Emily Blunt
answers are a few from here
March 8th
Life as We Know It For Colored Girls You Again It’s Kind of a Funny Story
March 15th The Fighter Hereafter The Switch Waste Land
Blunt used to date and live with what Canadian singer?
In what 2006 American comedy did Blunt first start to receive recognition?
Blunt has been married for less than a year to which famous American television actor?
Because of scheduling conflicts with another movie, Blunt turned down the role of Black Widow in Iron Man 2 to which actress?
REPORT CARD MOVIE REVIEW title:
C O
The Adjustment Bureau Matt Damon,
name(s): Emily Blunt synopsis:
Matt Damon fights predestination in the name of love. Movie Trivia Answers: 1. Michael Buble 2. The Devil Wears Prada 3. John Krasinski 4. Scarlett Johansson
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CD REVIEW Name: Lupe Fiasco TITLE: Lasers overview:
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It’s never good when a person doesn’t like their own product. Lupe Fiasco, the cool owner of his own food & liquor store, falls directly into this category. After arguments with his label, Atlantic, over the mass appeal of his third album Lasers the emcee did his best to make the album commercially viable. The result: the Chicago native was left with “A lot of songs…[Lupe’s] kinda neutral to” and an album that he freely admits he loves and hates.
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BOOZE REVIEW
BEER REVIEW
Name: Ezra Brooks
TITLE: Kentucky Bourbon suggestions:
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Diet Coke, B+ Ezra Brooks Original Cork Flavored Liquor, DAnother quip about cork, F Our dead editor while putting a drink in his hand ala Weekend At Bernie’s, A
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Name: Thirsty Dog Brewing Company
Siberian Night
TITLE: Imperial Stout
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PRICE: $3.39/Bottle
the beginning: I knew that, by reviewing a spring seasonal and starting all this crazy talk of a “thaw,” I was essentially commanding the universe to blast me with cold. So it was that, as I browsed the shelves for my newest acquisition, the name “Siberian Night” caught my eye. Mittens, fuzzy hats, and swearing when I go outside: sounds Siberian to me. Oh sure, you may argue that mid-Michigan in early March doesn’t hold a candle to a hellish Russian penal region, but so what? Besides, one of my first reviews was of Old Rasputin- another Imperial with Russian ties. Neat, huh?
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