F*** it Fridays
The Black Sheep brings you...
“Because you know you checked out on Wednesday...”
Friday, January 21st, 2011 ISSUE 7
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TOP TEN THINGS YOU DON’T WANT TO HEAR FROM THE BATHROOM
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HIPSTERS SEE THEM DO HIPSTER THINGS
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www.theblacksheeponline.com
LUBES! AN OPEN LETTER TO THE MAKERS OF LUBES...
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REPORT CARD CD REVIEW, MOVIE REVIEW BOOZE & BEER REVIEW
We’re Sorry for Our Discourse! UNIVERSITY OF ILLINOIS DAVE LAUER WROTE THIS
In light of the idea that the tragic shooting in Arizona may have been influenced by political agendas, many members of the media have been suggesting that people may be swayed by strong discourse in the news. Several news agencies have been toning down their programs so as to prevent this sad event from happening again. Of course, since our news agency, The Black Sheep, has so many strong, devoted readers, we could never do this. If we ever toned down our content I would advise everyone to go out and shoot someone! And after that, I’d say go blow up a country! And maybe after that, read a good book because, really, you haven’t taken enough time for yourself lately. But since we have no insurance and little money for lawyers, we will at least apologize for things in the past that may have been interpreted, however stupidly, to be us hate mongering against any person, race, or political party. Really, it seems pretty ridiculous that anyone would get any violent ideas from our writing, but none the less, it’s probably a good idea just to clarify: • We are very sorry for suggesting that liberals and conservatives are like dogs and cats, and to solve our country’s problems one would simply need to put them together in a burlap sack and let them fight to the death. First of all, we do not want anyone putting two people in a burlap sack; the size of the sack, for one thing, would just be enormous. So, PLEASE, do not go bother any burlap sack makers! As for the idea that we think dogs and cats are meant to fight for the death in sacks, we always make sure that we have the consent of the animal. But, just so you know, actually getting the animals to agree to get in a sack together is easier said than done. • We are sorry for saying that a Communist’s most vulnerable spot is his heel and you should aim for it whenever you fight one. We were confusing this idea with the ancient Greek story of Achilles. A Communist’s heel is just as strong
as any other parts of his or her body so don’t count on taking one out with a simple kick.
• We are sorry for any remarks we may have made concerning people of Jewish faith. We SWEAR until last week we thought the word Jew meant Pterodactyl. So when we said “we were so scared of all those Jews in Jurassic Park,” we meant the winged reptiles, not Jeff Goldblum. We also clearly meant Pterodactyl when we said “If we ever traveled back in time, we would ride all the Jews and maybe even try hunting a few” and “it would take a lot of skill to kill a Jew”. • We are also deeply sorry for saying the only clowns that still perform are all Armenian and that’s “very interesting.” For one thing, this fact may be a lie. Also, it’s not actually that interesting.
• When we wrote encouragingly to our readers that “they are strong and can be anything they want as long as they try” we did not think to say “except serial killers”. We don’t want anyone thinking that we’re giving advice to serial killers. We’re sorry for not footnoting our advice with this stipulation and will instead try to never encourage our readers to do anything, ever.
• White people do not burn fast. We don’t remember exactly the point we were trying to make when we said this, but all the same, we are very sorry for it. Thank you for allowing us to apologize for the things we said. When given the power to influence people in exchange for money, it’s hard not to get carried away sometimes. And it’s extremely hard not to write death threats in our articles as a creative way to get product placement money from gun companies. But know that we place the blame of this completely on ourselves and will try to better serve you in the future. Unless the awful government shuts us down!
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read more at www.theblacksheeponline.com
top 10 Things You Don’t Want to Hear Coming from Your Bathroom
CARLES BARKLEY
10. THE COACH: This guy’s in your bathroom talking to his rear-end like it’s the quarterback in the last five seconds of the Superbowl. Get a cooler full of Gatorade ready for when this guy walks out of the bathroom; he’s gonna need a cool down after the sweat he’s worked up. What this will sound like: “Come onnnnnn. Give me a little more – stupid shit! Just get out there!” 9. THE TOOTS: I can only put it so nicely. Serious gas is the problem here. This culprit has been crop dusting the party since he walked in and has finally closed himself off in your bathroom to clear his system. No amount of Febreeze or scented candles will be able to cover up this fiasco. People will smell this for days to come and guess who the blame will fall on? What you’ll hear: “PFFFfffffff.”
8. THE HUMMER: I once told my dad I’m a shy pee-er, and he gave me this little piece of advice, “Just close your eyes, plug your ears, and hum to yourself.” Now, I’m all for looking like a lunatic, but this is a bit creepy. In fact, I imagine this is how pedophiles use the bathroom. I feel really bad for anyone who has invited my father to a party – the sleep they must have lost. What this will sound like: “(to the tune of ‘Ring Around the Rosey’) Hmmm-hmhmm Huh-hummm-hmm…” 7. THE EXORCIST: May sound like a close relative to the coach but this guy’s got a demon to expel from his anus. Humility is not his strong point – calling out to every archangel imaginable to help rid him of his constipation, this bishop will stop at nothing to be freed of his bowels. What you’ll hear: “OH GOD help me! Mercy – mother of – get OUT!” 6. THE WATERFALL: Nothing is more disturbing than hearing someone else endure explosive diarrhea. The runs are bad enough when you’ve got to sit through them, but listening to someone else relive their Taco Bell fiesta from earlier that afternoon can really induce the gag-reflex – almost as bad as hearing someone puke. What you’ll hear: It will sound like a really fart-y waterfall mixed in with some groans. 5.THE QUIET ONE: What the heck is this guy doing in there? Forget all the gross stuff, once you notice it, this will ruin you. It didn’t seem weird at first, but about ten minutes in, you start to wonder what is going on behind those locked doors. What’s he up to? He hasn’t made a peep since he went in. You think about asking if everything’s okay in there but decide it’s best that you don’t know. What you’ll hear: “…………”
4. THE MASTER: Bater that is. Seriously, man? Can’t wait till you get home to squeeze one out? He’s been invited to sleep over and somewhere around 3am figured it would be a good time to work on his shake weight form. Just disgusting. What you’ll hear: Lot’s of self-loathing and something that reminds you of playing with silly puddy.
3. THE PROJECTILE VOMITER: I don’t know what this girl was drinking – tequila and jet fuel? – but she has lost the ability to puke at a normal capacity. Whatever is inside her needs to get out in the most violent way possible, so she goes Exorcism all over your bathroom. Incredibly, not one drop of her waste makes it into your giant toilet bowl. Her friends are so worried about her they decide to carry her home without saying a word to you about the state of your lavatory. What this will sound like: “BLAHHHHHHH-whuAAAA. … I don’t remember eating pizzCHAHHHH. Why doesn’t this place got a toile-BWAHHHH.”
2. THE FLOODING: Who INVITES this guy? There’s always that one random person at a party who will never grasp the concept of an appropriate amount of toilet paper. After dropping a deuce or two he takes the entire roll of Charmin Ultra to wipe his pooper, assumes your toilet has some sort of magic vortex instead of standard plumbing, and flushes without a second thought. Then he casually walks out of your bathroom and back to the party feeling about two pounds lighter while your bathroom has turned into New Orleans – post Katrina. What you’ll hear: “*flush*… Huh, that’s some faulty plumbing. Gee, I sure hope no one lives downstairs. Hum-dee-dum-dum-I’ve-the-cleanest-bumbum.”
1. THE MOANS: Sex is always great, right? WRONG. If you are in no way involved in the activity, most people would really rather not have it going on in their home. Why do people feel the need to do the deed in the bathroom during a busy party? Having a couple of kids getting all playful around your potty is just hard to stomach. What this will sound like: “Ohhhh yeah baby, put me on the sink! Feels good when the toothbrush scrubs down your back door, doesn’t it? You ready to go? Yeah just splooge it everywhere, this isn’t our bathroom!”
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HIPSTERS: Just because most people are retarded doesn’t mean you’re better than everybody
ILLINOIS STATE UNIVERSITY RUSTY SULLIVAN WROTE THIS
For quite some time, I’ve been unable to build up the nerve to catch one of those hipsters, sit them down for some coffee and get to know them. No, not a man date. I swear, NOT. A. MAN. DATE. Whatever, fuck it. I finally did it and here’s the interview.
NOW. Cosmo: Uhhhhhh, but...I meant their cover band. Yeah, they do these really ironic concerts mocking how shitty IAM CAH BFB is. Rusty: Dude, bullshit, you’re just saying you don’t like them because I do. Cosmo: (nervously scratching under his knitted wool cap) And you’re just saying you DO like them because I don’t. You fucking vulture, you gobble down the music I leave behind because it’s not good enough for a musical palate like mine. Rusty: All right, first real question. What do you carry in that cool purse thing? Cosmo: It’s not a purse. It’s a satchel. Rusty: Ohhhh, ahaha, dude, like in that movie The Hangover! Cosmo: NO. Rusty: Yeah, dude, that was in a movie. A movie made in Hollywood, shown NATIONWIDE. Cosmo: I’ve never seen it. I never WOULD see it. And I’ve been calling my purse a satchel WAY before that stupid film ruined it for everybody. Rusty: You called it a purse! Cosmo: Bullshit, I— Rusty: Yeah, yeah you did. Also, “film?” It’s called a movie. Using words nobody uses anymore doesn’t make you smart. Ever consider that there’s a reason nobody uses those words? Maybe because they’re totally stupid. And plus, most movies aren’t even made with film. They’re shot digitally. Cosmo: Fuck this. This isn’t even an interview, this is just an attack. I’m out. Rusty: Hey, Turd Ferguson, don’t leave your fucking beer here. Throw that out. Cosmo: It’s not beer, it’s Pabst Blue Ribbon. Beer is what YOU drink. Rusty: That doesn’t make sense. Garbage is under the desk. Cosmo: Psh. Where’s your recycling bin? Rusty: I don’t have one, just throw it out. Cosmo: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
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Rusty: Hey bro, I— Richie: Cosmo. Rusty: What? Richie: Don’t “bro” me, jackass. My name’s Cosmo. Rusty: I’m not calling you Cosmo, dick, your name is Richie. We went to middle school together. Richie: Fuck you, man, I don’t need to be here. Rusty: Shit. Whatever. COSMO. First question: Why d— Cosmo: Hang on, smoke break. Rusty: What? We literally haven’t started, and you don’t even smoke. Cosmo: Piss off, dude, I gotta have my Luckys. Rusty: Lucky Strikes? Who the fuck—what year is this? Come on, sit down, Corporal Assmaster, we— Cosmo: I would NEVER be in the Army. NEVER. Fucking war pigs. Not, like, not like that Black Sabbath song. I don’t even KNOW that song. Fucking corporate metal. Rusty: Corporate metal? What exactly do YOU listen to? Cosmo: You haven’t heard of any of them, but if you really have to know, here’s my top fifty local groups. One: Ladysmith Black Dadbazzo. Two: Ironic African Medicine Cabinet and His Best Friend Bear. Thr— Rusty: I’ve heard of them. Cosmo: ...Excuse me? Rusty: Yeah, I’ve heard of that ironic medicine bear one. They’re pretty good. Cosmo: Ha. Pretty good? They suck. Fucking mainstream shit, spoon-fed to the masses. Rusty: You literally just said they were your number two favorite. JUST
Lucky Strikes? Who the fuck—what year is this? Come on, sit down, Corporal Assmaster...
VOCAB!
Here are a few words for you to learn, memorize, and use on a daily basis. Try it out and see what happens!
PIERATE: Definition: A roommate or friend that will eat your delicious baked goods without even asking. Sentence: “Alright, which one of you pierate assholes ate my cherry strudel?”
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MISLEADING NAMES: LUBE EDITION
MICHIGAN STATE UNIVERSITY
JUSTIN GAWEL WROTE THIS
Dear Lube Companies of America,
To begin, your creation is fabulous. Not since Prometheus gave fire to mankind has our species been privy to such a useful entity. From the twelve-year-old masturbating for the first time to the fiftyseven-year-old Ron Jeremy lubing his tube for his fourth gangbang of the day, it’s clear that everyone loves what your invention can do for them. Lube, like bacon bits or handcuffs, can be added to any sexual situation to make it that much better. However, despite all of this praise to your product, there is one area where your merchandise consistently falls short. Of course, I’m talking about the misleading and uninformed names you continually give to the different varieties and flavors of your product. Your marketing team has clearly linked sex with love, not unlike a Hollywood producer would with a regrettable Hugh Grant-Julia Roberts movie. With titles for lubes like, “Bliss,” “Obsession,” or “Climax,” the lubricant industry is assuming that everyone who is having sex is never disappointed with it and are exclusively having sex with people who they are deeply in love with. This, of course, is not the case. Limiting your clientele to couples who are in love and always orgasming is a more surefire route to bankruptcy than hiring money managers named MC Hammer and Mike Tyson. One needs to think about their customers when naming a product and designing the label. Can you imagine anything more humiliating for a guy than being laughed at by your booty call for having to use lube that comes in a pink bottle, that’s scented, and is named, “Passion” (Not, “Passion for Easy Girls,” just, “Passion”)? Now picture that same situation unfolding, but this time you pull out a jet-black container filled with lube that smells like cheap whiskey and instead is named, “Jackhammer.” The lube companies are the ones laughing now… all the way to the bank. Their new clients no longer have to feel emasculated when they want to slide right in. Scenario two, muthafuckah: you’re a young lady who gets a little too tipsy and inadvertently ends up bringing home and getting stuffed by some fugly guy (or a fatty, or a Nazi, or Willie the Can Man). The guy wakes up in the morning and sees a bottle of lube on the nightstand titled “Desire.” Oh pineapple-poo, this guy now thinks you’re actually interested in seeing him again and possibly having a reprise of last night where he lasted forty seconds and looked like he was having random-onset Parkinson’s the entire time. If only you could buy lube named things like, “Pity,”“Mistakes,” or “Regret,” he would have no reason to think anything differently when you unsympathetically say, “Can you leave now, freak? And leave a few dollars on your way
out for some Plan B!” Furthermore, the current marketing strategies of the lube industry continue to use titles like, “Just Like Me.” No, if it were just like you I wouldn’t need the lube in the first place. Also, when you name something related to sex- “Climax” for example, it implies a guarantee that I’m going to fill the lady’s hot pocket with some creamy goodness every time I use it, and Lord knows I’ve pulled my fair share of ‘Cosmo Kramers’ during my tenure in East Lansing. In the not-toodistant-future, you lube companies need to wake up and start marketing lubes designed for more realistic, distant, and criminal types of lovers. I can promise you these changes will have your customers satisfied, smiling, and cumming back for seconds. Thank you for your time and consideration. Get Wet, Justin Gawel
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(answers on Pg. 5)
MOVIE TRIVIA: GREEN FILMS! The film “Soylent Green” takes place in what year?
Michael Clarke Duncan played the large, black inmate John Coffey in “The Green Mile.” Before that, he once held a job as a stripper. What was his stage name?
The Iraqi war film “The Green Zone” was shot primarily in what two countries?
What highlyfamous actress played Ruth in “Fried Green Tomato’s?”
REPORT CARD MOVIE REVIEW TITLE:
The Green Hornet
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Seth Rogen, Jay Chou, Cameron NAME(S): Diaz, Christoph Waltz
SUGGESTIONS:
C
The historical drama isn’t for everyone. They’re usually heavy, demanding, emotional films that require a lot of thinking. Plus you pretty much know going into a historical film that no one is going to get hit in the groin. But often times, as cliché old guys on the History Channel say, the truth can be more interesting than fiction, which is why some of the best movies are based on true events.
DIRECTOR: Tom Hooper MOVIE TRIVIA ANSWERS: 1. 2022 2. Black Caesar 3. Black Caesar 4. Mary Louise Parker
Click HERE for the rest of the review!
BOOZE REVIEW NAME: Jack Daniel’s
TITLE: Single Barrel
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SUGGESTIONS:
STRAIGHT UP
WITH COKE IN WATER AS BODY SHOTS
O B+ A B+ C+ A+
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CD REVIEW NAME: The Decemberists TITLE: The King is Dead SUGGESTIONS:
O B
I would love to use a single adjective to describe The Decemberists. Folky might work, but then there are extremes of upbeat pop. They have guitars and drums and also accordions and organs. They are from Portland, Oregon, but draw inspiration from communism, sometimes opening up shows with the Soviet national anthem. They proclaim their official drink as Orangina, and they say they met in a Turkish bath. Uhm, I think I’ll need some Adderall to process any of that.
SOUNDS LIKE: 2 cups folk, 1/2 cup pop
DOWNLOAD: “Down by the Water, Rox in the Box, This is Why We Fight” LISTEN TO IT WHEN: You’re hanging out in a hipster barn.
Click HERE for the rest of the review!
BEER REVIEW NAME: Tommyknocker Brewery
Maple Nut TITLE: Brown Ale SUGGESTIONS:
O A-
PRICE: $1.99/Bottle
THE BEGINNING: No price on this one, it came in a Christmas care package. Even my curmudgeonly self is not crass enough to ask the price of a gift (although I’m not above saving money by using it as a review beer). Isn’t it grand, that my family has come to know and fully embrace my penchant for the weird. And friends, this is weird. I hope that my local store carries Tommyknocker- if this is any good at all, I can add them to my stable of oddballs along with Short’s and O’Fallon.
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