Kentucky - Issue 11 - 11/20/2014 by The Black Sheep

The Black Sheep

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Volume 5

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

Issue 10

A MERCILESS GUIDE TO

STAYING ALIVE ON BLACK FRIDAY Erica Ryder wrote this As one of the many great facets of the Thanksgiving holidays, Black Friday offers the opportunity for you fat, thankful Wildcats to work off all that turkey and canned cranberry sauce as you sprint and joust for those sweet-ass deals. Not to mention allowing you to balance out all that giving of thanks and appreciation with blind, mindless, greedy consumerism. Like any of life’s many joys, Black Friday comes with its drawbacks and dangers. Just last year, 63,000 crazed shoppers died in commercial warfare, 2,100 Walmart employees were trampled to death, and 36 housewives dropped dead just thinking about the earlymorning bargains. It’s not too far-fetched to say you may not make it through the night. Today, we’re going to show you how to roll the condom of survival onto the metaphorical banana that is Black Friday. In the spirit of giving, here are a few simple measures to take in order to ensure your safety. Power Up: Just like runners need to carb-load before a big race, we diligent shoppers need a boost of our own. Sure, you just ate an entire turkey in the name of gratitude, but if you really mean business this Black Friday, you’re gonna need a pick-me-up of a different variety. A bucket of coffee may suffice if all you need is a hair curler for your mom and discount Fleshlight for your crazy Uncle Dave. But if you’ve got a list longer than St. Nick’s dong and are willing to pry each item out of the cold, dead hands of the orphan shopping for her foster mother in aisle three, spring for something harder. Maybe make that bucket of coffee an Irish one, or mix in an eight ball of the good stuff… if you know what we mean. Weaponize: When you look at a shopping cart, what do you see? If you’re a casual shopper you see a lovely and convenient basket on dainty wheels used to cradle your frequent purchases that consist of stuffed animals, tampons, and Louisville merchandise bedazzled with red gemstones. Whereas we, and other seasoned Black Friday shoppers, know that when weighed down with enough heavy merch, the average shopping cart basically doubles as a disastrous and deadly battering ram of cataclysmic proportions. In fact, with the right kind of creativity, and a riotous mindset, nearly anything can be used against that single father of two who just picked up the last pair of headphones. Defend: Being the craziest Friday of the year, Black Friday is basically The Purge of the holiday season. ‘Bows will be thrown, shanks will be shanked, and fresh manicures will leave the nails of housewives everywhere ripe for the scratchin’. You’re going to need a strong defense to have any chance at thwarting the attempts of desperate shoppers. Suit-up in that gear from your glory days when you peaked playing for your high school’s shitty football team. Then, toss Uncle Dave in that makeshift battering ram/shopping cart and put on a brave face. Though the dangers are very present, we’re certainly not going to tell you that staying inside and refraining from Black Friday shopping is your best bet to surviving the madness. We all know how well abstinence-only policies work out for the states in the Bible Belt. Happy Holidays and pleasant shopping from The Black Sheep!

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PAGES 12-13

FROM STOOPS TO HOOPS

LET’S GET BASTED!

KENTUCKY BASKETBALL IS FINALLY HERE, AND WE COULDN’T BE MORE EXCITED!

WE’VE GOT THE BEST BOOZE TO MIX THIS THANKSGIVING, BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY.

HOW TO AVOID THE WORST QUESTIONS YOU’LL BE ASKED AT THANKSGIVING

NOVEMBER 20th, 2014 - DECEMBER 3rd, 2014

JUST MEMORIZE THESE ANSWERS AND KEEP TOPPING OFF YOUR WINE.

THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

MEET the STAFF CAMPUS MANAGER Natalie Shofner

CAMPUS DIRECTOR Brendan Bonham

WRITERS Kelsey Mattingly Luke Troxell, Erica Ryder

OWNER Atish Doshi

DISTRIBUTION MANAGER Phillip Gordon

FOUNDERS Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers

SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER Loretta Stafford

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OWNED & OPERATED BY: Black Card Media, LLC 2130 W. Potomac Avenue Suite 1, Chicago, Illinois 60622 Contact Corporate: 217.390.1747 For Advertising: 608.712.0900

DISCLAIMER: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

THE BOTANY BAY SMOKING ACCESSORIES • FUNCTIONAL GLASS ART VAPORIZERS • HOOKAHS • BODY JEWELRY • DETOX TAPESTRIES • SAFE CANS • AND MORE! VISIT US TODAY! 420 EAST NEW CIRCLE ROAD LEXINGTON KY • (859) 225-4367

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PAGE 3

A FEW MORE WAYS

SEX EUPHEMISM OR SERIAL KILLER NICKNAME?

TO KILL SOME TIME.

BEAT OUR CAPTION! Tweet us a better caption and win a prize!

“Damn, these headphones suck!

THE FRENCH RIPPER

The above phrase is either a gross sex euphemism or a serial killer’s nickname. Which is it? Let us know by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize! Check back next week for this week’s answer!

WORD of the WEEK

BARTOGRAPHY To produce a map that shows the location of bars in one’s city.

Ryan’s attempt at bartography was noble, but all the bars in his college town were on the same street.

GUESS THE REALITY TV STAR! Whatever your dirty pleasure may be, don’t deny you watch reality TV. The image to the left is a silhouette of a reality TV star, and below are three clues as to who the person is. Let us know who you think it is by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

Developed “Captain’s Reserve” coffee brand.

Born in Bothell, Washington.

Died in 2010.

# # #

PLAY WITH US! @UKBLACKSHEEP

PAGE 4 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

FROM STOOPS TO HOOPS: BASKETBALL’S FINALLY HERE

Has anyone noticed how fast the hype surrounding Coach Stoops has faded away? We have. However, this shouldn’t be any reason to give up on the Big Blue. Before long, Coach Cal and his merry band of talented freshmen (and actually, some upperclassmen) will be ready to take center stage and bring home title number nine to Lexington. Lifelong Cats fans have gotten pretty used to these shitty fall Saturdays, but trust us, it only makes beating the shit out of everyone in hoops season that much more enjoyable. To those of you who are new to the BBN, there are a few things you should know about basketball season in the Bluegrass: First off, Louisville sucks, Duke is a team full of pussies, and North Carolina’s shade of blue looks like shit. This may sound harsh to those of you who aren’t used to the level of fandom exhibited here in Lexington, but we clearly have a better basketball program than any of these schools and we never refrain from flaunting it. Cheering for these teams is prohibited, and any violators of this policy will be immediately disowned from the BBN. We don’t care if it “stays in the state,” or if your girlfriend’s mom is a UNC graduate, YOU DO NOT CHEER FOR THESE MISFITS! If you want to be a part of this, then you will not disrespect yourself like that. Note: any apparel associated with these aforementioned schools should be promptly discarded, preferably by burning, before you can truly be affiliated with the University of Kentucky.

Also, booze and sporting events are always a good combination. Drinking for football games make the pain tolerable-- but basketball, oh, sweet basketball. There’s truly nothing better than slamming a few Natty tall boys with the crew while enjoying some hoops. And it’s much easier to play drinking games during basketball season. If you’re one of those fans that likes to pay attention to the whole game, you could try taking a shot every time a commentator calls a twin by the wrong name. While this is a rare occasion, it’s a good way to calm your nerves. If you like to party when we win, and want to forget that life exists when we lose, then you could also shotgun a beer whenever a commentator mentions that Willie CauleyStein was a wide receiver in high school. Lastly, WE DON’T LOSE. We’re not sure this can be emphasized enough. If you’re a freshman whose only dealt with football, you may not be accustomed to this. Sure, we started out pretty good, but we quickly went back to a shit show on turf with L-after-L. Basketball season won’t be anything like this. The Big Blue will roll, we’ll rock shit, we’ll run train. We’ll be ready to shit talk anyone that has anything to say about any sport ever, and Louisville will still suck, ‘cause they always do. Stoops we love you, but basketball season will be 1,000,000,000 times better than even the finest of football Caturdays. Just like bourbon and horse racing, kicking the shit out of everyone in basketball is just something that truly makes this beautiful state ”Our Old Kentucky Home.”

Lucas Troxell wrote this

#WINNING TURKEY DAY

THE TOP TEN Most Creative Ways to

Make It Home for the Holidays Thanksgiving will be here within the week, and we’re sure many of you are planning a way to get home in time. Sure, you could ride share with fellow students, or perhaps take a plane if your home is a bit further. But what’s stopping you from being a bit more creative in finding a way home to good ol’ mom and dad and having the most interesting stories to tell at the Thanksgiving table? Only your own imagination! 10.) Greyhound: At first, this may sound pretty lame. It’s just a bus, right? WRONG! This is a magical vehicle used to transport some of the most interesting people you are sure to ever encounter, all with the lovely aroma of pee. The wonderful elderly lady next to you who snuck her cat on the bus and the ‘Nam vet who hides under his seat every time the bus goes over a speed bump are sure to provide some very interesting tales of “Ye olden times.” 9.) Hitchhiking: This is technically the same as driving home, but with more chances to make new friends! Parents are always saying it’s great to have a diverse group of peers. Just be sure to save that thumb for the white vans with “Free Kandy” spray-painted on the side.

A STRATEGY BETTER THAN COACH CAL’S TO WIN THANKSGIVING DINNER Kelsey Mattingly wrote this Thanksgiving has snuck up on us once again, and it’s about time to start getting strategic. Most college students don’t really think strategy when going into their dining room for Thanksgiving dinner, but that’s what you’ve been doing wrong all this time. But never fear, The Black Sheep is here to help make the most out of Thanksgiving dinner. You’ll need to know the different types of people you’ll be up against when fighting for a full plate. You have your dieting cousins who won’t eat more than three green beans—they just meanmug the turkey in an attempt to burn more calories. Those self-proclaimed “skinny girls” shouldn’t be a problem. Just dangle a roll in front of their faces to distract them. When you toss it across the room for them to fight over, that’s when you make your move! But before you can slip to the front of the line and have your pick of every tasty side dish, you have to sneakily bribe your brat of a little brother into causing a scene so no one will notice you’ve already eaten three ladles of mac-n-cheese. Next, there’s your fat uncle who’s already on his third plate by the time you sit down with your first. But great Thanksgivings are born from great opportunity, and that’s what you have this Thanksgiving. That’s what you’ve earned this Thanksgiving. One fat uncle. If you were next to him in line ten times, he might get all of the turkey nine times. But not this year. This Thanksgiving you stay with him, and you shut him down because you can! This Thanksgiving, you are the greatest Pilgrim in the world. You were born to eat Thanksgiving dinner – every one of ya. This Thanksgiving is your time. Fat uncle’s time is done, it’s over. We’re sick and tired of hearing about how much food fat uncle can eat. Screw him! This is your Thanksgiving dinner! Now go out there and eat it! You are the lone college student who has experienced starvation and living on meal swipes for months and you are craving a meal whose origin you don’t have to question. This Thanksgiving, you will not sit idly by as the rest of your well-fed-throughout-the-year family shoves roll after roll and every bit of turkey into their mouths while you eye your slim pickings like a sad baby bird. This Thanksgiving you will shove fifteen rolls into your purse or backpack and revel in the fact that yes, you did peek during the prayer, and then casually slipped in front of fat uncle in line without him noticing. All of that beer you’ve been binge drinking this semester has more than expanded your stomach and created an excellent space to house a feast good enough for a glutton. Just remember the only person you need to keep in mind when lining up, plate in hand, is yourself. Forget about Great Aunt Millie and how much she loves having the first taste of the stuffing, she beat you with her cane last year just for looking at it! When the time comes, you will sideswipe everyone in the room, pile on a minimum three scoops of each side, and top off the evening by ignoring your dessert plate and sticking your fork right into the pie. This Thanksgiving, you are victorious.

8.) Boat: Ideal for those whose family lives on the coast. Of course this will require you to get to *shivers* Louisville, but the river can get you just about anywhere! We suggest a shrimpin’ boat and you might just have a better tale than Mr. Gump himself. 7.) Train: Lexington, unfortunately, doesn’t have any passenger train stations, but that sure never stopped the hobos from riding the rails! Wait for an open box car door and jump in. We suggest a few cans of baked beans and calling yourself Skippy McFarcus. 6.) Get Arrested: Do something minor, like shoplifting or punching a frat guy in the face. Call your parents to bail you out, and BOOM! Your own living progenitors are there to pick you up! Less work on your end, and you can tell them about what really happens when you drop the soap. 5.) Walk: One of the most environmentally-friendly choices! Oh, your family lives on an island in Hawaii so you can’t walk there? Water didn’t stop Jesus, so just think about that next time you have a little bitch-fit. 4.) Jet Pack: This one may take a little science and math and some other shit no one cares about. We believe the Mentos-and-diet-cola method hasn’t been tested enough. We’re looking to you to prove the haters wrong. 3.) Horseback: We live in horse country! Those rich old white guys won’t notice one of their winning stallions is missing from the barn for AT LEAST three days. Give riding on the open trail a good try. Who hasn’t wanted to be a cowboy at some point in their life? 2.) Levitation: Ever just want to leave the earthly world behind? Become a Buddhist monk and master the art of levitation. Arrive home in style, without ever touching the ground, or having the feels ever again. 1.) Teleportation Machine: Your cousin Sally doesn’t shut up about being on the Dean’s List every Thanksgiving, but now this year, you can rub changing the entire perception of space and time by creating teleportation in her face.

Natalie Shofner wrote this

PARTY PICS!

Tweet us your #partypics, or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

ON THE STREETS If you were a turkey, what would be your response to the Thanksgiving holiday?

MIKA, FRESHMAN

“Stop eating my damn family.”

MONTANA, FRESHMAN “#Instasize.”

KACIE, SOPHOMORE

“I would write a strongly-worded letter to the Pilgrims and then steal a Chick-fil-A cow campaign.”

THANKSGIVING '14

LET’S GET BASTED!

The Best Booze to Mix this Thanksgiving

It’s that time of year again — time to go home to the family that you hate and attempt to stomach their poor excuse of a Thanksgiving dinner. The second you arrive home, you’re already missing the comforts of UK: your friends who know how to have a good time, the horrible caf food, the bar scene, and the copious amounts of alcohol you consume weekly — hell, daily. These fond memories give you an idea: put the alcohol you’d usually be drinking into your mother’s gravy. It’s the perfect way to ride that buzz while your uncle hits on his son’s new girlfriend.

you should save this option for your friends — no one wants to see grandma stripping and singing, “I’m too sexy for my cardigan.”

As your family coos over the new baby that your sister chose to have for some ungodly reason, you act fast. You have many options, so you’ll have to choose wisely. The Black Sheep is generous, so here are our takes on the best types of alcohol to add to the gravy — not that we would ever condone that type of thing.

Peach schnapps: Or any schnapps flavor for that matter. The subtle flavor will blend in with the taste of the gravy, and just like with the vodka option, your family will be unaware that they are getting buzzed off of the dressing.

Vodka: As it’s virtually tasteless in gravy, you can add as much as you want and watch the hilarity ensue. This is foolproof unless you’re stuck with something awful like UV. Then they’ll know it’s in there, so just dump the whole bottle in and hope it doesn’t turn blue. Vodka is a surefire way to turn the party around and get your family in a giggly mood. Tequila: Sure, people might catch on to the fact that there’s something in the gravy, but after smothering their food with it, they’re sure to forget. You’ll be doing shots of gravy off of anyone who isn’t a member of your family (your sister’s fiancé perhaps?) and going balls-to-thewall. There’s a reason they say that tequila makes your clothes fall off. On second thought, maybe

WE WANT YOU!

Fireball: This is everyone’s new favorite drink. Add a few shots of it to the gravy and your day is sure to get turnt. Cinnamon gravy will be interesting, but it’ll be an adventure for everyone. Either your family will play the most hilarious game of Apples to Apples after binging on the gravy, or you’ll all be dead from the antifreeze in the alcohol by the end of the night.

Rum: No one’s favorite alcohol, your parents will have plenty of this in the back of the pantry. Pick the least horrible-tasting one and pour half of the bottle in! Add some Coke too and you’ll have a delicious rum and Coke chicken gravy. Mmm! It may be unconventional, but once your family members make it to their third plate, they’ll be addicted to this new gravy flavor. By the end of the night, your family will be wasted and you’ll be feeling pretty good about yourself. That is until you throw up because you chose the vodka option and added the full half-gal. You may regret it in the morning, but everyone will have that hilarious story about your heroics and how you saved Thanksgiving from being the boring affair that leaves a bad taste in the mouth, just like every year previous.

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N OW L E A S I N G F O R FA L L 2 0 1 5 N E W TOW N C R O S S I N G • T H E TOW N H O M E S AT N E W TOW N C R O S S I N G 5 T W E N T Y F O U R & 5 T W E N T Y F I V E A N G L I A N A • R OYA L L E X I N G TO N

L ex i n g t o n S t u d e n t H o u s i n g . c o m

THE BAR GRID THIS WEEKEND! 10th Anniversary Party $2 Bud Light bottles, $2 Bacardi shots, $1 Jello Shots

Monday-Saturday Happy Hour 3-7pm & 10-Close: $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz Drafts, $2 Domestic Bottles with 1/2 Price Select Apps! Call for Tailgating Package Prices!

Happy Hour Everyday 4pm - 8pm: 2-4-1 Wells, $2 Tall Boys PBR and $4 Long Islands

Thursday

Never Ending Happy Hour

Happy Hour 3-7pm & 10-Close $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz Drafts $2 Domestic Bottles with 1/2 Price Select Apps! Call for Tailgating Package Prices!

Live Music! 2-4-1 Wells

Friday

10th Anniversary Party $2 Bud Light bottles $2 Bacardi shots $1 Jello Shots Live & Looping

Happy Hour 3-7pm & 10-Close $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz Drafts $2 Domestic Bottles with 1/2 Price Select Apps! Call for Tailgating Package Prices!

$4 Bombs

Saturday

10th Anniversary Party! $2 Bud Light bottles $2 Bacardi shots $1 Jello Shots DJ Reknown

Happy Hour 3-7pm & 10-Close $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz Drafts $2 Domestic Bottles with 1/2 Price Select Apps! Call for Tailgating Package Prices!

$3 Domestics, $3 John Walls

Sunday

$10 Bottomless Mimosas $7.50 Bud Light and Bud Pitchers NFL Ticket & Free Wifi

Happy Hour All Day! $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz Drafts, $2 Domestic Bottles with 1/2 Price Select Apps! Call for Tailgating Package Prices!

$3 Mimosas $5 Bloody Marys

Monday

Martini Monday $4 Martinis Team Bar Trivia 7pm

Happy Hour 3-7pm & 10-Close $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz Drafts $2 Domestic Bottles with 1/2 Price Select Apps! Call for Tailgating Package Prices!

$1.50 Bud Lights $10 Mason Jars

Tuesday

Double Trouble Tuesday! Double Wells for the Price of a Single

Happy Hour 3-7pm & 10-Close $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz Drafts $2 Domestic Bottles with 1/2 Price Select Apps! Call for Tailgating Package Prices!

$2 Domestics, $2 Gatorade Shots, $7 Pitchers

Wednesday

W.I.N. Wednesday Industry Night ½ off your total tab for anyone who works in the service industry. DJ Rain

Happy Hour 3-7pm & 10-Close $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz Drafts $2 Domestic Bottles with 1/2 Price Select Apps! 1/2 Price Bottles of Wine 6-Close

Trivia Starting at Midnight $2 Domestics, $3 Fireball 12 to Close

SPECIAL NIGHT

Now Hiring Writers Your witty Tweets are just the beginning. Apply @ theblacksheeponline.com THE BAR GRID

Fireball Friday Big Fat Liars - Free!

College Night! FREE COVER, 2 for 1 Wells (including Jim Beam), $4 Fireball LIVE MUSIC or a DJ spinning on the 1’s and 2’s...Check our Facebook page!! Follow Us on Twitter!

Happy Hour 2-7pm 2-4-1 10pm-Close with Live Music!

Punchout DJ Rain

Beer Pong and Cornhole Tournament starting at 7pm! Pint Night - New Beer Each Week!

LADIES NIGHT! ALL NIGHT! $2 House Tequila Shots & $8 Barrel Bowls! Live music and enjoy one of over 155 bourbons available in our Mezzanine Bourbon Bar

Happy Hour 2-7 Live Music

Fireball Friday Big Fat Liars - Free!

$4 25oz American Beer Cans

Friday

OPEN FOR ALL UK GAMES! $12 GAMEDAY BUCKETS during the Cats game! House DJ at 9, LIVE MUSIC at 10! FREE COVER FOR THE LADIES! Ask about our TO GO beer!!

$6 Pitchers of Bud, Bud Lt and Mich Ultra

$12 Buckets & $4 Bacardi Bombs Live & Looping, No Cover

Cider Saturday! All Ciders $3

Saturday

Sunday Funday! Join us starting at NOON for all the NFL ACTION $7 domestic pitchers and $4 Fireball ALL DAY! FREE WIFI! Ricks Hot Dogs will be on hand for all of your dining needs!

Open - Watch every NFL Game Here! Happy Hour ALL DAY!

NFL Ticket! $1 Mimosas $1 Pints of Two Keys Lager $5 Make Your Own Bloody Mary Bar

$3 Strawberry Daquiris $2 Domestic Drafts and Football All Day!

Sunday

Closed Except for Events... to book our venue please email harrison@pauliestoastedbarrel.com

Happy Hour 2-7pm $1.50 Bud, Bud Light, Ultra, $2.50 Imports and $1 Can Beers

Buck it Monday! Well drinks and Two Key Lagers for just a buck! No Cover

American Can Beer Night $2 12oz Cans

Monday

OPEN FOR ALL UK GAMES! Closed Except for Events... to book our venue please email harrison@pauliestoastedbarrel.com

Happy Hour 2-7pm: Live Trivia, $2 Domestics, $4 Wells, $5 Bombs at 7pm

$2 Two Keys Tuesday Goldfish Racing - we supply the fish, you race them in our custom track! $2 Well Drinks and Pints, DJ Rain

2 for $5 Craft Beers from Great Lakes Brewery

Tuesday

Closed Except for Events... to book our venue please email harrison@pauliestoastedbarrel.com

Happy Hour 2-7pm! $5 Pitchers

Never Ending Happy Hour 1/2 off all Well drinks all day long!

$1.50 16oz Natty Light Cans

Wed.

Happy Hour 4-7pm: $2 Domestic Bottles

SPECIAL NIGHT

Happy Hour Mon-Friday 2-7PM $1.50 Bud, Bud Lt and Ultra, $2.50 Imports, $4 Wells and $2.50 LITs

Thursday

SUNDAY! $3 Strawberry Daquiris

Sunday Funday! Join us starting at NOON for all the NFL ACTION $7 domestic pitchers and $4 Fireball ALL DAY! FREE WIFI! Ricks Hot Dogs will be on hand for all of your dining needs!

PAGE 10 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

CURRENT EVENTS

Bigoted Relative Mercifully Falls Into Post-Thanksgiving Dinner Food Coma Black Sheep Staff wrote this

The true meaning of Thanksgiving was present this year at the Davis family gathering, where it is reported that the Davis’ had much to be thankful for after bigoted relative Steve Davis fell into a post-dinner food coma.

unrelated conversations to make sure everyone knew that he wished people would just shut up about Michael Sam already and that black people should learn “to stop talking jive” if they wanted to be taken seriously.

Mr. Davis, who fell asleep shortly after consuming two plates of turkey, mashed potatoes, corn, stuffing, and three glasses of wine, is middle aged, reportedly has a yard sign displayed on his lawn reading, “God Guns and Guts Made My America” and a sticker on the rear windshield of his car showing a dog peeing on the Obama campaign slogan.

Eye-witnesses from the gathering last year tell The Black Sheep that 2013’s outbursts included racial and homophobic slurs, suspicion with Obama’s role in the attack on Pearl Harbor, and referral to fellow family member Josh Davis’s new fiancée Kim Yuang as “Ms. Oriental.”

Arnold Harlow, brother-in-law to Mr. Davis, explained that “We all noticed that he was eating an unhealthy amount of food, we were all disgusted. But I think I speak for the family when I say that any level of disgust that I had from watching him eat did not rival my disgust for his opinions.” Sources claim that had Mr. Davis not fallen victim to the food coma that subdued him, he would likely have continued loudly interrupting

“I think I speak for the family when I say that any level of disgust that I had from watching him eat did not rival my disgust for his opinions.” Family member Sadie Davis said, “My name is Sadie and I’m nine. I know what third trimester abortion is because Uncle Steve told me but my mom says

that I’m not allowed to talk about it to my friends.” Even the slightest lull in conversation is reportedly seized by Mr. Davis, who fills the momentary silence with a provocation towards political debate. Topics frequented by Mr. Davis are said to include gun control, abortion, Calvinism, the Civil Rights movement, and proper employment opportunities for women. Documented reactions to Mr. Davis’s outburst include awkward laughter, encouraging children to leave the room, and in unfortunate cases, misguided attempts to offer a moderate opinion to Mr. Davis, which last led to the conclusion that “Hitler wanted to take away our guns, too. And they won’t tell you this in the lamestream media, but all the Nazi officials were gays.” The uncomfortable political onslaught was once again set in motion at this year’s gathering, with Mr. Davis explaining the “myth” of the gender pay gap to 12-year-old Todd Davis. However, through what has been described as, “the greatest blessing that has ever come to our family,” Mr. Davis was rendered incapable of delivering

his rant as the meal’s dense caloric intake took hold. Attempting to discuss the ambiguity behind “Barack Hussein Obama’s” birth certificate, only a spray of hateless crumbs was produced from Mr. Davis’ oily lips. Several attempts were made by Mr. Davis to continue his speech, but all were unsuccessful. Mr. Davis,

wide-eyed and red in the face, finally succumbed to the coma brought on by his own gluttony. Carl Davis, nephew to Steve Davis and theater major at University of Southern California, tells The Black Sheep, “This was the best Thanksgiving of my life. This might have been the best day of my life.”

Cornhole tournaments on Thursday night pint nights Ale 8 floats over 100 beers: mix your own six pack local beers on draft 1 block from the library

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vaporizers and smoking accessories Live music on the front porch on Friday nights!

BARTENDER of the WEEK Relationship Status: Single Major: Business and International Marketing Favorite Drink: Bourbon nutball • Favorite Shot: Strawberry Tootsie pop Disgusting Drink: Vodka and water What liquor can most accurately be described as “the best of the worst” and why?: I love all liquor, except for vodka. A warm shot of well gin is a good punishment for…?: I think a warm shot of four horsemen is a better punishment. Why did the last person you kicked out of JDI deserve it?: I keep my customers under control, so I haven’t had to kick anyone out. Your secret bartender hangover cure?: Water and Advil before bed, OJ in the morning, and a crap-ton of greasy food!

SAMANTHA of JEFFERSON DAVIS INN

THE DRINKING GAME

DEALING WITH FAMILY

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Give three words to describe UK’s basketball season.: Beat. That. Ass. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: 'Cuz I’m gonna be in it!

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

THE FINAL POTLUCK

NOMNOMNOM AT THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

A BLACK SHEEP GUIDE

HOW TO AVOID THE

WORST

QUESTIONS

YOU’LL BE ASKED AT

THANKSGIVING KATELIN HOWELL WROTE THIS

hanksgiving is a special holiday that brings the whole family together to celebrate football, eating and being thankful for all the things we have in our lives. Thanksgiving is also a time when family members you see maybe twice a year ask college students the “typical” college questions. The Black Sheep brings you the most typical questions you hear around the smorgasbord of food, and how to walk the line with your response. Remember, you’re not lying, you’re just telling a modified truth.

Question: “Are you seeing anyone special?” Who’s Asking It: Your aunt on your dad’s side. Why It’s Asked: Closed-minded family members are worried you’re gay until you get married. What You Should Say: “You know, I’m just so busy with classes that it seems almost impossible to make time for a significant other. I barely have time to make time for myself, let alone someone else.” What You Really Mean: “It takes too much effort to impress someone of the opposite sex at 8 a.m., and that’s just something I can’t handle on a daily basis. The closest relationship I have right now is with Netflix.”

Question: “Are you working at all?” Who’s Asking It: Your uncle on your mom’s side. Why It’s Asked: Your family wants you to have real-life experiences instead of just going to classes. What You Should Say: “School is really my full-time job, and I’m okay with that. I’ve had some jobs here and there to get some spending money, but I definitely need to focus on my schoolwork more.” What You Really Mean: ”If someone would be willing to hire me for the 90 minutes between me getting home for class and me heading out to hang out with friends, I’d have a job.”

Question: “How are things in that fraternity/sorority of yours?” Who’s Asking It: Your aunt who was in a sorority during her college years. Why It’s Asked: Greek life was different back in the day, but they don’t realize that. What You Should Say: “It’s great! I’ve met a lot of people through philanthropy parties and mixers and I’ve really enjoyed that aspect of it.” What You Really Mean: “Yes, I’ve met a lot of people but I was drunk 98 percent of the time, so I wouldn’t be able to point them out if they were in this room with us right now.”

Question: “How’s that 4.0 coming?” Who’s Asking It: Your 25-year-old cousin who just graduated from law school. Why It’s Asked: Because it’s actually important to get good grades. What You Should Say: “Oh, it’s going really well. I’m working really hard to keep up the As. One day you’ll be working for me!” What You Really Mean: *Uncontrollable laughter* “You’re kidding, right?”

Question: “What do you want to do with an [insert major here] degree?” Who’s Asking It: Your grandmother on your mom’s side. Why It’s Asked: Life was simpler in the olden days and they can’t imagine how an apparel studies major is a real thing. What You Should Say: “I’m still trying to figure out what exactly I’d like to achieve with this degree, but as graduation draws near I’m sure the classes I’ll be taking will prepare me for exactly what I want out of the path I’ve chosen.” What You Really Mean: “Honestly I have no idea what the hell I want to do. Hopefully something here will point me in the right direction. I’ll take whatever job I’m lucky enough to get after I graduate. Can you believe apparel studies is a thing?”

Question: “You’re not getting into all those drugs now, right?” Who’s Asking It: A different uncle on your dad’s side. With a wink. Why It’s Asked: Because they remember college in the 80s. What You Can Say: “I’ve been to parties where there have been drugs around. They way people act while on drugs looks so crazy, I don’t know how people do it regularly.” What You Really Mean: “I’ve done drugs at some of those parties and I act just as crazy as everyone else. Once, I woke up in our school’s fountain in the middle of campus with no pants. I have no idea how I got there. I actually don’t know how people do it regularly.”

Question: “How was the…” *another family member interrupts you* “What a cock-block, am I right?” Who’s Asking It: Your 54-year-old uncle on your mom’s side who tries to act like he’s 19. Why It’s Asked: You’re not really sure what just happened here. What You Should Say: “I’m sorry, what were you gonna say?” What You Really Mean: “What… um… I’m sorry, did you just say cock-block to me?”

Question: “What has been your favorite experience at college so far?” Who’s Asking It: Your dad. Why It’s Asked: This is a trick question to see what kinds of activities you’ve been up to. What You Should Say: “Meeting people who share the same interests as me has been great. I love hanging out with people who accept me and who like to do the same things as me.” What You Really Mean: “Meeting people like me who like to party like me and get as drunk as me. That’s been my favorite experience so far.”

Question: “What are parties like in college?” Who’s Asking It: Your 14-year-old cousin who looks up to you. Why It’s Asked: Little ones are curious about everything. What You Should Say: “They’re not like what you see in the movies. People don’t pass out on the roof and get wild until 4 a.m. Don’t believe everything you see.” What You Really Mean: “It’s a rarity for someone to make it to the roof before they pass out. I did see a girl throw up in her own hair at a Halloween party though, and it wasn’t because she ate too much candy.”

Question: “How are you feeling about the economy? Did you vote in the midterm election?” Who’s Asking It: Your Democratic uncle on your dad’s side. Why It’s Asked: Because you are the future. What You Can Say: “I really think our economy needs some help, but Obama is doing the best he can in his position. But no, I did not vote in the midterm election because I felt like I didn’t have enough knowledge on the candidates in my state.” What You Really Mean: “I really hate everything about politics, but I don’t want to go into a four-hour discussion with you on something that I don’t care about.”

Question: “Have you found a church at your school?” Who’s Asking It: Your very conservative grandmother on your mom’s side. Why It’s Asked: If you don’t go to church while in college, according to your conservative grandmother, you’re going to hell. What You Should Say: “There are lots of churches around campus, but usually I spend my Sunday mornings studying or catching up on some sleep.” What You Really Mean: “I usually rage too hard Saturday night so I physically can’t get out of bed before 1 p.m.”

Question: “You better graduate on time! Money doesn’t grow on trees, you know.” Who’s Asking It: Your grandfather on your dad’s side. Why It’s Asked: You’re making your parents poor, and they keep asking your grandparents for money. He’s pissed about it. What You Should Say: “I definitely know how expensive it is! I love college though. It’s been a great experience and it’s going to be really hard leaving it one day.” What You Really Mean: “I’m literally never going to leave college ever.”

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COUNTRIES & CAPITALS CROSSWORD

ACROSS: 2) The capital of Sierre Leone. 3) Havana is this country’s capital. 5) The Capital of Pakistan. 10) Morocco’s capital, not Casablanca. 12) Kabul is the capital of this country. 13) Canada’s capital, not Toronto, Montreal or Vancouver. 14) Australia’s capital, not Sydney, Melbourne, Brisbane, Perth, or any other well-known city. 15) Port-au-Prince is the capital of this country. 17) Guyana’s capital is also the name of a popular university in the United States.

ates, two words. 8) The Dominican Republic’s capital is Santo what? 9) Bangkok is the capital of this country. 11) France’s capital has over 12 million inhabitants. 16) China’s capital. 18) Basseterre is the capital of the country Saint Kitts and what?

DOWN: 1) The capital of Belgium, also the start of a delicious vegetable. 4) St. John’s is the capital of the country Antigua and what? 6) Madagascar’s capital. 7) The capital of the United Arab Emir-

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