The Black Sheep
S M F R E E. OKE .. L FRO IKE T M T HE S HE B AC E C O N D KO H F W AND HIT EHA LL
Vol. 3, Issue 13
THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
.
4/17/14 - 4/23/14
DUDE, WHERE’S MY KROGER? CASSANDRA SHOUSE WROTE THIS The mighty mortar castle of Kroghetto has finally fallen. As heaps of rubble start piling up where the grocery once proudly stood, Kroghetto refugees are forced to forge for sustenance (stoner munchies) elsewhere. Like baby giraffes taking their first clumsy steps in the world, many UK students are clumsily trying to adapt surrounding Krogers. Chinoe Kroger: The Chinoe Kroger is now technically the closest Kroger to campus. It’s also the most accessible since UK has hired a shuttle to cart vehicle-less students to and from Euclid. For those who haven’t experienced the Chinoe Kroger, it differs from the Kroghetto in many ways. For one, it’s a hell of a lot smaller. Think of it as a Rite Aid with a deli section and an expanded cereal aisle. Second, it’s way more cliquey since it’s located in an area referred to as “deep Chevy Chase.” The only people who shop at Chinoe are from the surrounding neighborhoods. Students in their sweats, reeking of whatever alcohol they chose to pickle themselves in the night before, both look and smell out of place amongst the normally well-put together crowd who frequent the market for a good cheese to pair with their fine wine. Shopping here isn’t all bad though, they have a great selection of beer that rivals the Kroghetto and a vast concrete sea for parking so you no longer have to experience bouts of road rage when trying to park your 2003 Chevy Malibu. Kroger Marketplace: Another Kroger, the Kroger Marketplace located on Richmond Road, is the Wonka Factory of Krogers. There’s a sushi bar, Starbucks, large deli, a jewelry store, a clinic, a pharmacy, and a home goods section that offers everything from artwork to couches. Basically, you could wake up, grab some Starbucks in the morning, meet someone in line, have lunch with them, fall madly in love while perusing the hundreds of labyrinthian aisles, buy a ring, propose to them, and register for your wedding shower all in one day at one store. Even though it’s glorious-- harps play and angels sing when you enter through the doors-- there is a huge downside: It’s a big black hole, you will go in for toilet paper and come out three hours later with a full cart and a decorative chair you seriously don’t need. As a struggling kid in college, it’s your greatest love, but biggest downfall.
Nicholasville Road Kroger: This Kroger is often overlooked because it’s very well hidden, stuffed between a Michael’s and PetSmart in a shopping center. If you happen to stumble upon this treasure it has the most similar layout to the old Kroghetto, deli to the left, produce on the right, tons of aisles in the middle. The only bad thing is it’s located off of Nicholasville Road. If you’re brave (or stupid) enough to battle the hell that is Nicholasville at any hour of the day then this is an acceptable option from which you can procure whatever fine meats and cheeses your couch change can buy.
PAGE 4
PAGE 7
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S LIFE AFTER COLLEGE?
S.O.S: SAVE OUR SEMESTER GRADES
READ IT AND WEEP, SISTERS.
No matter what Kroger you decide to use as a rebound, you’ll find that not being familiar with the surroundings is more commonplace than originally anticipated. Where’s the beer? The Pop-Tarts? Why can’t anyone find the Hot Pockets?! It’s a curious sight to behold, tons of students wandering aimlessly through the aisles in hopes of finding the holy grail of food they’ve been craving all week. With fierce determination and spirit, though, these Wildkittens will soon learn the foreign ways of these new establishments until they’re as comfortable with these alternative Krogers as they are with going pantless while their roommate’s mom is visiting.
WE’RE ANSWERING YOUR S.O.S. ON HOW TO REVIVE THAT GPA.
KEEP UP WITH US! @UKBLACKSHEEP • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
PAGES 10-11
JESUS OF BLAZERETH EASTER CONVENIENTLY LANDS ON 4/20 THIS YEAR, WHICH MADE US THINK SOME DEEP THOUGHTS, MAN.
>>
Meet the Staff <<
CAMPUS MANAGER Olivia McCoy
PROMOTIONS TEAM Phyllicia Lindo
EDITORIAL MANAGER Mary Venuto
CAMPUS DIRECTOR Brendan Bonham
ADVERTISING MANAGERS Tyler Flatt
OWNER Atish Doshi
WRITERS Lucas Troxell, Rebecca Anderson Taylor Carden, Cassandra Shouse DISTRIBUTION MANAGER Daina Kaugars SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER Loretta Stafford
FOUNDERS Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers QUESTIONS? info@theblacksheeponline.com ADVERTISING? ads@theblacksheeponline.com HATE US? lame@theblacksheeponline.com
OWNED & OPERATED BY: Black Card Media, LLC 2130 W. Potomac Avenue Suite 1, Chicago, Illinois 60622 Contact Corporate: 217.390.1747 For Advertising: 608.712.0900
DISCLAIMER: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
Follow us! @UKBLACKSHEEP â&#x20AC;˘ THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
WORD, MAN
#GOODTIMES #THEBLACKSHEEP
CHEATAH
GUESS THE MASCOT
@UKBLACKSHEEP
A student who finishes his test so fast, the professor can’t help but wonder how he cheated. “’Yeah, this one dipshit finished my calc exam so fast,’ Professor Boneson noted, ‘that I’m sure he’s a cheatah, I just haven’t caught him yet’”
HOW WELL DO YOU KNOW
YOUR TATTOOS?
DO YOU KNOW WHICH CELEBRITY HAS THIS TATTOO? TWEET US YOUR ANSWER @UKBLACKSHEEP - FIRST RIGHT ANSWER WINS A PRIZE!
TWEET US @UKBLACKSHEEP • FIRST RIGHT ANSWER WINS A PRIZE! LAST WEEK’S ANSWER: DUKE BLUE DEVILS
STACHE SLUETH CAN YOU IDENTIFY THE MYSTERIOUS MAN WITH THE SWEET ‘STACHE? TWEET US @UKBLACKSHEEP FIRST RIGHT ANSWER WINS A PRIZE! LAST WEEK’S ANSWER: GERALDO RIVERA
LAST WEEK’S ANSWER: LIL’ WAYNE
DOWNLOAD OUR FREE iPHONE AND ANDROID APP
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S
LIFE AFTER COLLEGE? TAYLOR CARDEN WROTE THIS
Right now you’re basking in the amazingness that is college. You wake up when you want, you go to class only when you feel like it, and pajama pants are appropriate attire for pretty much everything you do. It’s a pretty sweet gig, being a full-time college student. But let The Black Sheep remind you — you’re going to have to graduate eventually. And what waits out there in the real world? The great beyond, outside of the comfortable college nest of day drinking, tailgates, and sleeping ‘til noon, is a mystery to many. But it inevitably waits, so The Black Sheep has ventured to the other side and returned. We’re here to let you take a peek into the world, the real world, outside of college. You have to wear pants: Sad, but true. People of the real world don’t consider leggings, pajama bottoms, or patterned boxers acceptable clothing for daily activities, like working your desk job. If you’re going to survive life after college, you
need to invest in an actual pair of khakis, trousers, or jeans to cover your butt. Unless you’re pursuing your stripping dream. In that case, you’ll make more money without pants.
to actually be witty and romantic. Or go to a bar and try your frat party tricks on fortyyear-old divorcees who are thirstier than hungover pieces of sandpaper left in the desert.
Jobs are pretty much a necessity for like, income: You have to have money to survive, which means you have to get a real job. Meals are no longer provided by the magical little blue cards that let you swipe away your Plus Account or Flex Account, and money isn’t provided to you by your parents. So clean up your resume, iron your suit, and get ready to go out there and find a real job. Or starve. And a live in a box.
You have less time for the true loves of your life: Netflix, Hulu, Xbox, Pinterest... all of your favorite pastimes sit on the backburner since other things consume your life. Your work commute in rush hour traffic, your cubicle job, your live-in girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse/pet/motherin-law/space rodent, and your screaming children with poo-filled diapers that smell like Satan’s morning breath all take priority over your leisure time. Kiss the days of surfing the web at all hours of the day and night goodbye.
Dating is completely different: In college, you can walk up to a girl at a frat party, tell her she’s hot, hand her a cup of hooch, then take her home. Once out in the real world, if you show up to a frat party and try to pick up chicks, you’re that creepy gross old dude with no life and a possible restraining order. If you’re going to date in the world beyond the borders of campus, you’ll need
Sleep is suddenly important: In college, staying up all night is a just an average Tuesday. In the real world, staying up all night can spell disaster for your work week. You don’t recover as quickly from pulling an all-nighter when you don’t have the
opportunity to sleep through the entire next day. Also, you consistently wake up in your own bed rather than various places on campus that you don’t remember getting to. This is actual sleep now, not passing out somewhere. RIP all-nighters.
and you don’t have to fret about chem tests at 9p.m. When you leave work, your work responsibilities don’t follow you.* They stay put where they belong, like UofL fans in Louisville after the Cats spanked them in the NCAA.
Homework is a thing of the past: There is an upside to the real world! Drinking at your desk may not be acceptable, and you actually have to show up to work every day, but when you get to come home, you don’t have to sign on to Blackboard, you don’t have to throw together a B.S. paper about ancient civilizations and alien spacecraft,
The real world is a strange and dangerous place, but don’t be too afraid. Because even though you have to wear pants and pretend to actually care about stuff, there’s still pizza there. (*Full-Time Editor’s Note As He Edits This at 11:53p.m.: Hahahahahahahahahahaha!)
AROUND CAMPUS
WILLY T LIBRARY SIXTH FLOOR
SECRETS REVEALED! UK STAFF WROTE THIS
Students have been skeptical as to what secrets the sixth floor of Willy T library holds. We’ve been conditioned to believe an elaborate and desperate lie that it’s probably just used for storage. Ha! They can’t fool us with such an obvious cover-up of a hidden room chock full of mysteries as old as the university! Here at The Black Sheep, we’ve stayed up all night whilst sipping on Two Keys fish bowls and we think we’re on to something about what’s really scurried away on the top floor of Willy T. Spicy Beef Wrap secret recipe: There are people more diabolical than Plankton who want the recipe to the sauce in Ovids’ Spicy Beef Wraps. Ages ago the recipe was handwritten on a patch of papyrus, shoved into a glass bottle and locked in a safe in a dark room of Willy T’s sixth floor. To make sure it’s extra-safe, UK administrators have a starved wildcat roaming around up there aching for a chance to bite off the leg of some intruder. Foot Stabber’s lair: Maybe the Foot Stabber is the most misunderstood antihero on campus. What if the Foot Stabber is not stabbing feet because of a foot fetish or unresolved mommy issues, but because he is bringing justice to this campus? His victims could be Louisville or Tennessee fans, or that kid in the library who is listening to his obnoxious dubstep music on his headphones a little too loud. He probably sits perched up on the sixth floor railing looking over our heads and protecting this campus’ integrity. Creepy SAE séance ritual center: It’s pretty much common knowledge that Willy T himself was a part of the fraternity notorious for setting some poor unfortunate soul on fire. Couches just didn’t quench their thirst
for blood. So it would make sense that SAE brothers sneak up to the six floor to hold a séance in an attempt to reconnect with their late, dead brother, Willy. Seriously, how can you top setting a guy on fire, though? Secrets of the campus are tucked away in dusty old books: Every president of the university adds an additional secret during their reign as leader. When President Capilouto read through it he was surprised to discover the real reason we will never be good at football anymore, left behind by President Todd. One of the major secrets this book keeps is why Kentucky basketball always has the best recruits. Viewed from the public eye, it seems as if we are just blessed with Coach Cal. However, it’s the 6th floor where they’re breeding the best basketball recruits. Training stations, top trainers, and Drake who voluntarily massages players’ feet can all be found there. A book full of plays passed down from every team could make any basketball player into an all star. Capilouto has a private office where he hides away on snow days and takes postriot naps: While he laughs sending out his mass email that the university is still running on a regular schedule, he shuts down The Bowl for tailgating and he sips on the oldest bourbon in Kentucky that was smuggled up there years before. The sixth floor has been locked away for years. Only those with high prestige and affiliated with the Illuminati are granted access to the sixth floor. However, if you have enough cocaine, we might be able to bribe an SAE to let us take a look around.
AROUND CAMPUS SEND US YOUR PARTY PICS TO PICS@THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
ON THE STREETS
WHY DO YOU THINK FIREBALL IS SO POPULAR? Stephanie, Senior
“I don’t like Fireball!”
Marisah, Junior
“It’s sweet and easy to drink.”
Kathleen, Freshman
“Who doesn’t love the sensation of a lit match being shoved down your throat?”
06
CURRENT EVENTS
THE
TOP
TEN
EASTER TRADITIONS THAT ARE MUCH BETTER WHEN YOU’RE STONED STAFF WROTE THIS
This year, Easter falls on another highly religious, widely celebrated holiday: 4/20. But that doesn’t mean you have to pick one or the other. Why not just combine the two of ‘em and have one kick-ass lazy Sunday afternoon? After all, we easily found 10 things that are much more enjoyable when you’re stoned. 10.) Attending a Family Party: Ugh, your Uncle Kevin is a total creep and Grandma Jean won’t stop asking if you have a girlfriend yet. Luckily, toking in the bathroom will kill a good 15 minutes. When you get back out there, you’ll be too sleepy and blazed to even notice or care. “Yeah, Aunt Laura, well it looks like you put on some weight too.”
S.O.S:
SAVE OUR SEMESTER GRADES LUCAS TROXELL WROTE THIS The semester is coming to a close, and all that’s on your mind is how the hell you’re going to seal the deal with your hot neighbor before you go home for the summer. Oh, and we’re sure you’re worried about how to bring your grades back from the dead, too. Since we’re not Tinder, The Black Sheep will do our part in helping you revive your GPA with some tips on how to improve your grades before the semester ends.
“REMEMBER, THE ONLY THING DIRTIER THAN A DUKE FAN’S ETHICS IS THE BATHROOMS ON SOUTH CAMPUS.” Fall in lust with your professor: No matter how grotesque your professor’s shiny face acne may be, there has to be something about him that you can focus in on to motivate you to go to class. But convincing yourself that it must be his ass ‘cause it ain’t his face will barely motivate you to go to class, and only for so long. Seduction is the next step. The more beastly or just downright creepy this professor might be, the easier it should be to seduce him. It’ll be easier than convincing your parents you haven’t been boozing all semester. Good luck convincing them of another reason why you have straight D’s and need $20 for “groceries.” Send your ex an “I miss you” text after every wrong answer in Math Lab: If you’re studying, it’s probably after midnight in a cubby somewhere in Willy T, since no one accomplishes anything during the day except wrapping up Breaking Bad on Netflix. At night your ex is probably either crying over your absence in her life or out banging whatever
rebound she can get her genitals on. So from our calculations this “I miss you” text will result in your ex blowing up your phone with a thousand “what the fucks?” or “just hold me!” texts, motivating you to keep your ass hidden away until the end of finals week. Take a shot every ten minutes while studying: Treat yo’ self. You should be proud that you’re even taking the time to sit down and study for your bullshit gen-ed requirement. You truly have nothing to lose with this study method. You’ll just have to keep in mind that for this to work you’ll have to stay intoxicated until you take the exam as well, but you ’re going to do that anyway. Over-sleeping and being too drunk to walk to class are some unfortunate side effects to this otherwise-foolproof study method. Reinforce your own superiority: There’s not a whole lot you can do to make money without a degree. If talking to a ‘Vu stripper or a Raising Canes worker doesn’t motivate you to get your ass in gear, then remember the only thing dirtier than a Duke fan’s ethics is the bathrooms on South Campus, Mr. Jan Itor. We’re sure you already knew that, ‘cause you’ve spent more time with your head in the porcelain god than you have studying for STA 210 this semester. And when you become a stripper you end up spending your Mondays giving lap dances to that creepy old guy who just got out of prison for selling meth to Louisville fans. A life of glamour. We really hope we could save the few of you actually reading this who need the help from flunking out. Like Calipari needs a freshman, we need you to stay here at UK so we can continue all Wildcat shenanigans.
9.) Taking Pictures with the Easter Bunny: Hopefully you’ve grown out of this stage by now, but if you’re stuck taking photos with your siblings, you’re gonna need help ignoring all the whining and squirming. We suggest to not smoking too much though, that bunny suit is going to get more nightmarishly creepy with every puff. 8.) Shoving Cadbury Eggs and Jelly Beans into Your Mouth: So many flavors and colors and textures. Why wouldn’t you wanna get high before this delicious candy feast? Frito-Lay wishes they could satisfy the munchies like pounds on pounds of melting chocolate. 7.) Hunting for Easter Eggs: This tradition can get a little competitive, so you should probably chill out a bit before you lay out your 10-year-old cousin over the egg hiding in the rose bush. It’s all about sharing with the family, man, and seeing the children smile. Eggs are just material shit. You don’t need that. 6.) Putting on Your Sunday’s Best: Easter requires bonnets and ties and dress shirts and skirts—not necessarily the most comfortable attire. But when you’re high as a kite, everything feels like you’re in your birthday suit. Just don’t actually go out anywhere naked. That’ll lead to some truly awkward family photos at grandma’s later on. 5.) Going to Church: What with all the premarital sex you’ve been having, you already feel guilty enough and a little paranoid that the priest is gonna set you on fire. Not only will a little weed ease the tension, but it’ll bring you a lot closer to the Big Man upstairs. You can actually see him, you know? It’s like he’s right there, speaking into your soul… 4.) Putting a Peep in the Microwave: It gets you every time. “There’s no way, absolutely no way it’s gonna explode! Oh my God, dude! Dude! Look at it go! Look! Look! Hell yeah, little Peep! Blow your shit! Yeah! Hey, let me get another hit of that.” 3.) Slicing into the Lamb Cake: A cute little yellow cake, shaped like a baby lamb, covered in vanilla frosting and coconut shavings, nestled in a bed of jelly beans. When sober, watching someone take the first slice is a little gruesome and disheartening. But once you’re high, you find the whole thing “totally cool,” like, that’s the way God would have wanted it, dude. 2.) Digging Through Your Easter Basket: When you’re stoned, it’s a never-ending basket of sugary goodness and green, plastic-y strands of grass. Just please don’t try to smoke them. They won’t get you high … just poisoned and dead. 1.) Dying Easter Eggs: There’s nothing trippier than this. Dipping eggs into little bowls of color, and then seeing them emerge something totally new and bright. You can keep changing them and changing them until your heart is content or they turn an inevitable shit-brown. You can make them tie-dye or striped or polka-dotted or nothing at all. Either way, you just can’t look away…
RED MILE SQUARE - A LUXURY TOWN HOME COMMUNITY HALF-
OFF S
ECURI
TY DE
A quiet and safe town home community, the perfect place to call home! Close to UK/BCTC Campuses. $400 per bedroom | Townhomes Feature: 4 bedrooms available, 2 Car Garage Option, Up to 2000 square feet Hardwood Floors, Custom Kitchens, Appliance Package w/ W/D, Private Patio, Security System, Pets Allowed! POSIT
S
MORGAN PROPERTIES, INC. | Red Mile and Unity Drive, Lexington | (859) 288-5601 | Mprentals@netbusiness.com
THE BAR GRID SPECIAL NIGHT
WEDNESDAY: $6.50 Pitchers 1/2 OFF Your total tab for anyone in the service industry! 10 PM til close
SUNDAY FUNDAY! Join us at 5 with 2 for 1 wells, $7 domestic pitchers and $4 Fireball ALL DAY!! FREE WIFI!
Enjoy Happy Hour Sunday - Friday! $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz. Drafts
Thursday 4/17
Thirsty Thursday! Happy Hour prices all night long!
College Night! FREE COVER, 2 for 1 Wells (including Jim Beam), $4 Fireball, LIVE MUSIC!! Follow Us on Twitter!
Happy Hour 3-7pm $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz. Drafts 1/2 Price Apps 3-6pm
Friday 4/18
Fireball Friday! $4 Fireball Shots
LADIES NIGHT! ALL NIGHT $2 House Tequila Shots & $8 Barrel Bowls! Live music and enjoy one of over 135 bourbons available in our Mezzanine Bourbon Bar
Happy Hour 3-7pm $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz. Drafts 1/2 Price Apps 3-6pm
Saturday 4/19
Say it ainâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t so Saturdays! $3.50 Bacardi Drinks $5 Bacardi Bombs Live Team Trivia at 8pm
OPEN FOR ALL UK GAMES! $12 GAMEDAY BUCKETS during the Cats game! House DJ at 9, LIVE MUSIC at 10! FREE COVER FOR THE LADIES! Ask about our TO GO beer!!
Join us for Happy Hour Sunday-Friday!
Sunday 4/20
Sunday Funday! $1.50 Rolling Rocks $6.50 pitchers
SUNDAY FUNDAY! Join us at 5 with 2 for 1 wells, $7 domestic pitchers and $4 Fireball ALL DAY!! FREE WIFI!
Happy Hour All Day! $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz. Drafts 1/2 Price Apps 3-6pm
Monday 4/21
Martini Monday! $3 Martinis & $2 Drafts Live Team Trivia at 7pm
Closed Except for Events... to book our venue please email harrison@pauliestoastedbarrel.com
Happy Hour 3-7pm $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz. Drafts 1/2 Price Apps 3-6pm
Tuesday 4/22
Tuesday Boozeday Double wells for price of a single!
OPEN FOR ALL UK GAMES! Closed Except for Events...to book our venue please email harrison@ pauliestoastedbarrel.com
Happy Hour 3-7pm $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz. Drafts 1/2 Price Apps 3-6pm
Wednesday 4/23
$6.50 Pitchers 1/2 OFF Your total tab for anyone in the service industry! 10 PM til close
FREE COVER, LIVE MUSIC @ 9! $3 PBR Tall Boys, $1 Shots of Kentucky Tavern, $4 Fireball shots!
Happy Hour 3-7pm $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz. Drafts 1/2 Price Apps 3-6pm 1/2 Price Wine Bottles After 6pm
He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games than you could ever play.
Our Mobile App Is Your New Best Friend
ble for Available for iPhone and Android • Download for FREE today! Availa
Availab iPhone and Android - Search Black Sheep Mobile • Download for FREE today!
THE BAR GRID Happy Hour Mon-Friday 2-7PM!
THURSDAYS! Sounds by Nick Neesen $1 Fireballs, $2 Domestic Beer, $3 Premium Wells, $4 Bombs $100 Select Bottles
TUESDAY: $2 Wells Goldfish Racing
Happy Hour Everyday 4pm - 8pm: 2-4-1 Wells, $2 Tall Boys PBR and $4 Long Islands
SPECIAL NIGHT
Happy Hour 2-7pm 2-4-1 10pm-1am with Live Music!
Sounds by Nick Neesen $1 Fireballs, $2 Domestic Beer, $3 Premium Wells, $4 Bombs $100 Select Bottles
Punch Out with R&B Sides Live
Live Music! 2-4-1 Wells
Thursday 4/17
Happy Hour 2-7 Live Music
Ladies Night! 5pm - 2:30pm No Cover for Ladies
Live Music! $4 Fireball
$4 Bombs
Friday 4/18
$6 Pitchers until 6pm
Come party at Trust!
Come Party at Two Keys!
$3 Domestics, $3 John Walls
Saturday 4/19
Closed Except for Events (Twitter Party, Graduation, Etc.)
Closed
$1 Shit Cans
$3 Mimosas $5 Bloody Marys
Sunday 4/20
Happy Hour 2-7pm $1.50 Bud, Bud Light, Ultra, $2.50 Imports and $10 All You Can Eat Wings Starting at 7pm, $1 Can Beers
Closed
$1 Wells
$1.50 Bud Lights $10 Mason Jars
Monday 4/21
Happy Hour 2-7pm: Half Off Nachos Live Trivia, $2 Domestics, $4 Wells, $5 Bombs at 7pm
Closed
$2 Wells Goldfish Racing
$2 Domestics, $2 Gatorade Shots, $7 Pitchers
Tuesday 4/22
Happy Hour 2-7pm $6 Pitchers, $5 Quesadillas at 7pm
Closed
Happy Hour All Day
Trivia Starting at Midnight $2 Domestics, $3 Fireball 12 to Close
Wednesday 4/23
f O s u s e J
h t e r e z Bla ote this Nic Kanaar wr
jesus of blazereth
This year, Easter Sunday lands conveniently on 4/20, a date that usually stands on its own as a holiday for stoners worldwide. This got The Black Sheep thinking; what if Jesus was the pot-smoking, sandal-wearing, Wakarusa attendee that he resembles in all of those pictures hanging in our grandmother’s living room? Our speculation turned into certainty, and now we present you with some of your favorite New Testament stories if Jesus of Nazareth was a tokin’ Messiah.
The Temptation of a Tripping Jesus After Jesus and John the Baptist frolicked in the water in a “no homo” kind of way, Jesus decided to head into the Judean Desert to fast for forty days and nights. Also to smoke some weed and take a bunch of peyote. Twenty minutes into his trip, Satan appeared to Jesus in the form of what would later be known as a “Venice Beach roller skater.” The devil, who was wearing a tank top and cut-off jean shorts, looked down at the hungry Jesus. “If you are the son of God, command these stones to become loaves of bread, or nah?” Satan said. “Nah.” the Son of God replied. The devil shrugged and danced while waving glow sticks in a figure eight pattern, as Jesus could have sworn all of his senses were heightened to a whole new level. Later on, one of the twelve disciples reported that Jesus never actually made it to the desert, but instead sat on the edge of a forest and held down a large stick in fear that “it will surely float away.” Jesus held the branch for forty minutes.
jugs filled with water. Jesus walked over to the jugs, kissed both of his biceps and winked at one of the bridesmaids. He then shot a middle finger towards the jugs of water, thusly turning the liquid into wine. “Boom…” Jesus whispered into the face of his annoying mother. Many scholars believe this was the first miracle of seven that Jesus performed to prove he was the Son of God, but in fact it was just merely the first one of that day. Later on during the wedding, he also converted some of the loaves of bread into tightly rolled joints, a violin into a boom box that strictly played dub-step, and he magically converted one of the palace columns into a skinny metal pole that the female servants could dance on. Jesus Gets the Munchies in Front of 5,000 People On their way to John the Baptist’s funeral, Jesus and the disciples cut the edge with five ounces of Bethsaida’s finest green. Soon a crowd of 5,000 people gathered from nearby towns and followed Jesus during the majority of his trek. It wasn’t long before Jesus started asking people for anything “fried or covered in chocolate.”
The Rage-fest at Cana Jesus and his “bro-sciples” attended a wedding at Cana in Galilee with the sole purpose of getting drunk and putting out some vibes towards the bridesmaids. During the reception, Jesus worked on the holiest of buzzes when suddenly his frantic mother came to him:
“We have only five loaves here and two fish,” the disciples said.
“They have no wine!” Mary said.
Sensing the tension surrounding him, Jesus told his disciples, “Big deal if their hungry, I fasted for forty days and nights once.”
Jesus averted his mother’s eyes and leaned back against a pillar. “Bitch, this don’t concern me yet,” Jesus said. After polishing off his glass of wine, plus the remaining drinks that the disciples were planning on consuming, Jesus decided to take action. Under the Messiah’s instructions, servants of the wedding gathered a bunch of
“Bring them here to me,” Jesus said. The disciples and the large crowd licked their lips in anticipation in hopes for a Jesus miracle. Instead, Jesus took the remaining food, sat on the ground, and ate it all in one sitting as every bystander watched.
“No Jesus,” Matthew said, closing his eyes and rubbing the bridge of his nose, “no you didn’t.” Jesus Raises the Dead Lazarus from His Comfy-Ass Tomb During a chill afternoon, a messenger delivered bad news to Jesus about his friend Lazarus. The message came from Lazarus’ two sisters, Martha and Mary, and informed Jesus that Lazy L is ill. “Righteous,” Jesus said, but then it was explained to him that in this case “ill” meant that Lazarus was dying. Two days later Jesus decided to visit his sick friend. The disciples tried to warn Jesus about the dangers of returning to Judea, but all he heard were the words “Jews love to get stoned.” “Hell yeah, let’s get going,” Jesus said, “and grab one of those jugs of water so we can blast off along the way.” Jesus and his “Holy Thugs” arrived in Bethany shortly after and drunkenly made their way to Martha and Mary’s house. The two sisters were engulfed in grief when Jesus arrived, so he did what any Messiah would do; he turned a loaf of bread into a spliff the size of a baby’s forearm and lit it up. A few puff-puff-passes later, the room started to spin and the sisters kept on bitching about their dead brother. Jesus stood and demanded to be shown to Lazarus’ tomb. Upon arriving at a cave, a stone was removed that blocked the entrance and Jesus yelled:
“Lazarus, get the fuck out!” A confused Lazarus came stumbling out of the tomb and Jesus pushed past him mumbling something along the lines of “I’m cross-fading pretty hard right now.” Jesus slept in the tomb for the next twelve hours. The Hydro Supper For Passover, Jesus and his posse got together at a house in the city for some late night grub. To spice up the night, Jesus made a bong out of a bread bowl so he and the twelve disciples could “get lifted to a whole new spiritual level.” Before they ate, Jesus addressed the group and said “Truly, I say to you, one of you will betray me.” Everyone seated at the table subtly looked towards Judas who had supplied the weed but refused to smoke it because of an upcoming “drug test.” Before an inquiry or accusation could be proclaimed, Jesus jumped up from the table and exhaled a cloud of dank smoke. “Oh shit, are the cops outside?!” Jesus said. The twelve disciples calmed Jesus down and reassured him that neither the cops, nor his parents, were sitting outside in the driveway. The final supper came to an abrupt stop after Jesus claimed the bread to be his body and the wine to be of his blood and insisted everyone to “fucking eat him.” “Damn, Judas, what kind of haze did you bring?” Matthew said, as he tried to coach Jesus out from under the table. The Pass-Out and Resurrection of Jesus Christ A week later, in the city of Golgotha, the eleven remaining disciples looked up at Jesus as he hung limply on a cross. All twelve men shook their heads in disbelief as they reflected on the sad sight before them. Bartholomew was the first to speak. “My God, he’s passed out again,” he said. “I love him, but dis dude can NOT handle his weed,” Thomas said. The disciples lowered their passed-out messiah off of the cross and elected to find a cave for him to sleep in, noting their leader’s previous affinity towards napping in tombs. Three days later, Jesus awoke with massive cravings for potato chips dipped in a milkshake and tried to release himself from the tomb with no avail. Soon an angel descended from heaven, broke the stone blocking the tomb, and let Jesus out. The angel informed Jesus that his father was “getting ready to dish out the ass-whooping of a lifetime” and that he’d better say goodbye to his “hood-rat” friends. Jesus ascended to heaven forty days after his wicked blackout in Golgotha, leaving his teachings to his eleven trusted disciples. The group tried to spread the Son of God’s message, but was met with a lot of skepticism. Mainly due to their reputation as being burnt out potheads who traveled around the Middle East in a blurry haze.
NOW LEASING TO ALL UK STUDENTS
$1.6 MILLION UNIT INTERIOR RENOVATION N E W H A R D W O O D - S T Y L E F LO O R S & C A R P E T I N G • N E W L E AT H E R - S T Y L E & B E D R O O M F U R N I T U R E • N E W L I G H T F I X T U R E S N E W W I N D O W CO V E R I N G S & H A R D W A R E • N E W S TA I N L E S S S T E E L A P P L I A N C E S • U P G R A D E D K I T C H E N C O U N T E R T O P S
RATES AS LOW AS $484
+ SAVE $330 WITH ZERO DOWN
TAKE A TOUR & GET A FREE PIZZA FROM JET’S A P P LY O N L I N E @ R O YA L L E X I N G T O N . C O M Rates, fees & amenities subject to change. Actual prize may vary. Limited time only. See office for details.
READ MORE ONLINE THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
Relationship Status: Single Favorite Drink: BBN
BARTENDER
Favorite Shot: American Honey Disgusting Drink: Bourbon and water What’s summer like around T Bar?: Garage doors open, umbrellas out, loud music and lots of people.
ROCKSTAR
What drink is best in warm weather, but can’t be consumed in winter?: Tom Collins What clothing change are you most excited for?: Yoga pants So I guess Obama was right about global warming, huh?: Maybe.
OF THE WEEK
What have you done for me lately?: Party at Paulie’s with you and Ryan Do you think the robots are listening to us right now?: Yeah, most definitely.
Doc of T Bar
Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because I can say words like “shit” in an interview.
COME GET YOUR FADE ON at Ginger’s Barbershop! MEN: $3 OFF WITH THIS AD!
HOURS:
MON. - FRI.: 9am - 6pm • SAT.: 8am - NOON 212 W Maxwell Street, Lexington • 859-254-4464
GUESS THE AIRLINE LOGOS
Do you know all of the airlines these logos belong to? Email us at backpage@theblacksheeponline.com. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!
READ MORE ONLINE THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
KENTUCKY STONERS: A GUIDE IN FIVE PARTS REBECCA ANDERSON WROTE THIS
Like blood to a shark, UK students both on and off campus are familiar with that country skunk stench that finds its way into our nostrils when we walk the halls of White Hall in the early afternoon. With so many different types of people on campus, it should be no surprise that the stoners of UK are as varied as the grades of weed being sold on State Street. The Classic Stoner: You know that group of kids who would sneak out back behind the dumpster in high school to pass a joint around? This kid was definitely part of that group; but now, instead of skulking behind trash bin he and his friends are sitting around a couch in a house on University. Typically called a “hippie,” he personally identifies with any character from Dazed and Confused. His favorite past times include getting his mind blown via Netflix documentaries, growing his hair out, listening to Elton John’s “Rocket Man,” and uttering the phrase “Fuck the man.” The Sorostistoner: She can often be spotted aggressively driving around campus, her white Nissan Altima full of pledge sisters, on their way to go buy a gram of weed from their frat boy drug dealer who lives somewhere on State Street. If one were to ask her to describe herself, you’d probably hear an answer somewhere along the lines of, “I’m like, so fucking chill.” She’s a Purple Haze employee’s most annoying nightmare as she meanders into the smoke shop to buy her first bowl, because, well, she can’t roll a blunt… or a joint… or hit a bong correctly… The Frat Star Stoner: Him and his group of pastel button-down-and khaki-wearing comrades can be found on any given weekday afternoon cramming themselves into a soft-top Jeep to drive down
Lexington back roads while passing around a blunt rolled with a Tropical Fusion-flavored swisher, and blaring music varying anywhere from Steve Miller Band to Waka Flocka Flame. He sells bud to all of his bros, and the many sorority girls who just wanna “get high and go eat Local Taco.” The Intellectual Stoner: This type of stoner is also a comprehensive genius. Usually just hanging out alone in his single person dorm room, he’s always down to help you with your calculus homework, or your history essay because smoking has the same effect on his intelligence as spinach does on Popeye’s biceps. Since he usually smokes himself quiet, he doesn’t say much; but his theories on life, government, and science are way above your level… He will probably be your future child’s philosophy 120 professor here at UK in twenty years. The Poser: Everyone knows that kid whose Facebook profile pic is him blowing smoke rings with hater blocker sunglasses on, while visibly inside his dorm room in Kirwan II. As soon as he lights up, he’s blowing up your Twitter feed with shit like “I love the ganja, smoke ‘til I die.” He’s that kid who thinks smoking weed without putting a towel under the door makes him the baddest mothereffer alive. Every time you see his status update, or see him munching on Red Bang Bang at Two Keys on a Thursday night, you have to fight the insatiable urge to clock him in the face. If there’s one thing you can learn from these groups of stoners, it’s to treat everyday as if it were the last 4/20 you’ll ever have. And that you can’t overcompensate for that weed smell by spraying a whole can of Axe right before class.
my 4/20 adventure
the madlib
For me and all my bros in ___1___, we have grand plans of making the most out of 4/20 landing on a Sunday. But like most groups of stoners, our plans were a little too ambitious. Starting right at the stroke (toke) of midnight, we were going to light up some ___2___ ___3___ our favorite bud, and listen to our jam, ___4___. Then we were going to rip some shots of Hennessy - because rap music - and party until the break of dawn, baby. Our buddy and drug dealer, who goes by ___5___, was going to come over with his vaporizer and we were going to fade away into the night. Naturally, the next morning, the plan was to wake up and, you guessed it, bake some ___6___. There’s usually some stoner movies on TV, like ___7___ or Super High Me, so we were gonna recuperate from the wild night, order some ___8___ and chill, man. Then we were gonna hit up the local disc golf course in ___9___ and smoke our ceremoni-
Tast
ous joint at Hole Four, which has to be the ___10___ ___11___ ___12___, which is super, super heady stuff. After the 18th hole, the plan was to head to ___13___, eat a bunch of ___14___, then mosey back to the crib and hit the vaporizer that ___15___ will naturally forget to take with him. But, you know, 4/20 in actuality was a lot more chill for us. For starters, ___16___ got arrested outside of ___17___and we couldn’t get any bud. We were all so depressed at midnight that we went to bed, and then slept in until ___18___. Luckily ___19___ finally got ahold of his ___20___TA and got us a gram of ___21___ ___22___, so taking one hit of that was enough to make me melt into the La-Z-Boy we found in the alley on ___23___. We were all feeling a little lazy to hit up disc golf, so we just stayed at home, played Mario Party and ordered ___24___. We all tried to take some mad resin hits, which actually proved semi-successful.
1) Your dorm freshman year 2) Color 3) Old president 4) Classic rap song 5) Exotic animal 6) Slang for marijuana 7) Recent romantic comedy 8) Local take-out 9) Town outside of your college town 10) Starbucks size 11) U.S. state 12) Dog breed 13) Local diner 14) Breakfast food 15) Person from 6 16) Person from 6 17) Local bar 18) Time between noon and 4 p.m. 19) Most responsible friend 20) School subject 21) Verb-ing 22) Planet 23) Holiday 24) Worst delivery pizza
r, e Bee w Prices m o s Awe , and Lo e y Win
THE PARTY STARTS HERE!
$9
99
UV Blue (750 ml)
Happy Hour! 3pm - 7pm
$1999 Camerna Tequila (750ML)
$1299
RazberRita/ MangoRita 12-pack
561 S BROADWAY ROAD • LEXINGTON • (859) 317-8733 LOCATED AT THE LEX APARTMENT COMPLEX
20% Off ALL GLASS!
4/18 - 4/20