T
The Volume 7 Cards Against Humanity
st Humanity Cards Again
Cards Against Humanity
MEET the STAFF CAMPUS MANAGER Natalie Shofner
CAMPUS DIRECTOR Brendan Bonham
WRITERS Kelsey Mattingly Luke Troxell, Erica Ryder
OWNER Atish Doshi
DISTRIBUTION MANAGER Phillip Gordon
FOUNDERS Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers
SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER Loretta Stafford
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DISCLAIMER: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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PAGE 3
A FEW MORE WAYS
SEX EUPHEMISM OR SERIAL KILLER NICKNAME?
TO KILL SOME TIME.
BEAT OUR CAPTION! Tweet us a better caption and win a prize!
“Damn, these headphones suck!
“Did I really forget my pants again?”
THE STRANGER IN THE NIGHT
The above phrase is either a gross sex euphemism or a serial killer’s nickname. Which is it? Let us know by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize! Check back next week for this week’s answer!
WORD of the WEEK
FANATICKLISH
GUESS THE REALITY TV STAR! Whatever your dirty pleasure may be, don’t deny you watch reality TV. The image to the left is a silhouette of a reality TV star, and below are three clues as to who the person is. Let us know who you think it is by tweeting us your answer. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!
To be ticklish to the point of rage.
#
“Laughter quickly turned to screams and blood when Mary tried to tickle fanaticklish Robin.”
#
1
Originally gained fame from Toddlers & Tiaras.
2
Lives in McIntyre, Georgia.
3
Introduced terms “neck crust” and “forklift foot.”
#
PLAY WITH US! @UKBLACKSHEEP
PAGE 4 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
FUN & GAMES
CLUE BANK
THE MADLIB
MOM AND DAD, WHY I FLUNKED THAT CLASS Dear __(1)__ Parents, I understand you must be really __(2)__ that I flunked __(3)__. But, it wasn’t my fault. My professor, __(4)__, noticed something special about me from the beginning of class. They took an interest in my __(5)__ and my love of __(6)__. After we connected about all that, I think they really started to like me. They invited me to __(7)__ and I accepted, hoping to get some __(8)__ out of it. Things went downhill from there. The prof drank like, __(9)__ __(10)__ and started dancing on the __(11)__ while screaming about how __(12)__ was a conspiracy, right before peeing on __(13)__. To save him/her from getting his __(14)__ __(15)__, I attempted to take him/her back to their home in __(16)__. Once we got back to their __(17)__ __(18)__-bedroom home, I attempted to put them to bed so the night would end. They professed their undying __(19)__ towards me and claimed if I performed __(20)__ then I would get an A in the class. I was ready to say yes but I remembered you had told me never to __(21)__ with a teacher because it is wrong, so I __(22)__ and left. On __(23)__ I found out I had flunked the class. But to be fair, it is really your fault, mom and dad, for teaching me not to sleep with people to get ahead in life. I hope you understand. Your loving child (who also needs some cash), __(24)__
1) Adjective ending in –ing 2) Angry adjective ending in –ed 3) Class you will flunk 4) Professor you hate 5) A trait of yours 6) Favorite weekend activity 7) Favorite bar 8) Something you’d get as a reward 9) Number of people you’ve seen puke 10) Disgusting drink (plural) 11) Something in a bar 12) Worst national holiday 13) UK basketball player 14) Body part 15) Karate move ending in –ed 16) Shady area of Lexington 17) Adjective ending in “-y” 18) The number of times you’ve seen a Batman movie 19) Word to describe “The feels” 20) Deviant sex act (noun) 21) Slang for sex 22) Slang for leaving (past tense) 23) Day of the week you lost your virginity 24) Your name Natalie Shofner wrote this
PRO TIPS
THE TOP TEN
THINGS UK NEEDS FOR CHRISTMAS
Christmas is coming up fast and our minds are running wild with the amazing things we will never get because our parents hate us and we’re too poor to afford bread. However, The Black Sheep will take the lead with imagining all the shit that UK needs for Christmas. Listen up, Cap! 10.) A Taco Bell: Any poor kid will tell you, Taco Bell is God’s gift to man. You can buy the whole left side of the menu and a large drink for like, $9.99. It may not be a strong representation of authentic Mexican cuisine, but it’s good as shit so who gives a damn? Taco Bell > Life, and nosotros queremos Taco Bell.
A Guide to Scoping out
Your Study Spot in Willy T. Erica Ryder wrote this With finals season coming around the mountain, it's time to buckle down and start studying. If you’re ever going to have any hope of making up for a semester of laziness, you’re going to have to do it with a week-long study binge. The first step is to scope out a nice, quiet place to study and calculate the lowest grade you can get on your final to still make a C. Unfortunately for those students with the biggest sticks up their asses, just any desk at the library isn’t going to cut it. Luckily for you our researchers here at The Black Sheep have compiled a comprehensive list of all of the greatest and most coveted places in the William T. Young Library to study, cry, spray coffee down your gullet, and repeat. That One Private Bathroom in the Basement: As anyone who has ever stepped foot into this hallowed restroom can attest to, there is not a more private place on campus. This is the one place a studious student can truly be alone. The one place a student can comfortably drop a deuce. The one place a student can break free of the wheel of samsara and fully reach Nirvana. To claim these sacred grounds your own for a night of studying, simply slap an official-looking “Out of Order” sign on the entrance. Build A Basement Whiteboard Fort: The whiteboards on wheels in the basement have two uses. To write on and, more importantly, to block yourself into a makeshift castle as a statement to everyone else that they are not invited to share your special learning cubby space. In order to obtain optimum whiteboard and study space, gather as many whiteboards as you can find, arrange them into whatever shape you find most conducive to learning and study away.
Study Rooms: Though hard to come by during finals week, study rooms can be the perfect place to take that special someone for a romantic study date. With walls thick enough to play smooth jazz at low volume and whiteboards big enough to detail your diagrams for Kama Sutra 101, study rooms aren’t only great places to study, but great places to take those steamy study breaks. Literally Anywhere That Isn’t That Main Gigantic Atrium Area: No one is certain what the architects who built this library where thinking. But it certainly wasn’t “what a logical and novel idea it would be to build a library that’s quiet, where even the faintest of whispers can’t be heard ‘round the entire 5-story tall building!” However there are lots of great uses for the main study area: perfecting your mockingjay whistling abilities, rappelling down the 5th floor bridge, or participating in a sub-par flash mob. These things are all likely happen this time of year, none of which are conducive to studying.
So next time you’re tweaking in the library, make sure the thousands of audible whispers you hear from students on every floor don’t turn you into an insane person. If you’ve been studying too long in the library, seek salvation in any one of these revered havens. Brace yourself for a religious experience and good luck on those finals.
9.) Better Wi-Fi: Professors ask us to do 15 assignments per week on Blackboard, yet Patrick Towles had better connection with his wide receivers than we have on our laptops. That makes about as much sense as actually expecting us to go to class on Fridays. #SeeBlue 8.) Ramsey’s to come back: Two things are the top of the line in Kentucky; beautiful southern belles and exceptional hot browns. The belles are bountiful at UK, therefore we need Ramsey’s back in our daily lives here. This may take away the beautiful behinds we see, but fried foods are better anyway. 7.) Bourbon in the water fountains: When we say UK, if you don’t think of either basketball or bourbon then you’ve had a little too much of the latter. Our hoops team is making a push to the top this season, so wouldn’t it make sense to give bourbon a little push, too? For example, making the push of a button at one of the many conveniently-located White Hall water fountains flood your mouth with the sweet, sweet taste of high-quality Kentucky Bourbon. 6.) A tunnel from south campus to north campus: It’s cold enough to make a penguin say, “screw it,” and you have an 8 a.m. Overall well-being, class attendance, and not frozen fingers would drastically increase with this Christmas gift. 5.) SAB events we actually want to attend: SAB is hosting a hopscotch tournament in K Lot, OMG YAY! No seriously, dragging your ass through K Lot full of broken glass sounds more fun. How about a campus-wide beer pong tournament SAB? That’s what we all want. 4.) Honest “See Blue” ads: UK really got our hopes up here. With ads featuring several multicultural kids sprinting towards Willy T. with grins on their faces resembling Louisville basketball players during the Louisville Purge. When really, the average class has more white kids than Duke’s polo team and Willy T. is as fun to attend as a common hour exam during a Cats game. 3.) Better parking: The parking at UK is a joke. The longest you can use a meter is 45 minutes and the shortest class is 50 minutes? Just like your STA 291 class, it just doesn’t make sense. It’s like gambling every time you go to class. 2.) Cleaner bathrooms: From the dorms to White Hall, every bathroom on campus is creepier than that guy at a frat party who offers you a red Solo cup while telling you how good he can dribble a basketball or sing “Part of Your World.” Is it too much to ask that these get cleaned like… once every two years? We’re not asking to move mountains here. 1.) A reason to riot: The only thing Big Blue Nation knows about Christmas cheer is yelling the CA-T-S cheer loud enough for all to hear. But with Lexington being a frigid bitch, most of us just want another excuse to drink the rest of our semesters away and light a couch on fire. Lucas Troxell wrote this
PARTY PICS!
Tweet us your #partypics, or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
ON THE STREETS What are you least looking forward to going home this holiday season?
CALEB, FRESHMAN “Yo mama.”
FREDDY, FRESHMAN “My broken home.”
FRED, FRESHMAN “My racist grandmother.”
06
'TIS THE SEASON
When, what did I see in the glimmer of the moon, But a very large sleigh, and the big blue platoon, With a driver in a jumpsuit, boosting morale, I knew in a moment it must be St. Cal.
A VISIT from ST. CALIPARI
More rapid than Hawkins, his players they came, And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name; “Now, Andrew! Now, Aaron! Now, PASS THE DAMN BALL! On Poythress! On Willie! Let Towns block them all! To the top of the key! To the top of the rim! Now screen away! Screen away! Shoot the ball, Sam!
Kelsey Mattingly wrote this
So up to #1 the Wildcats they flew, With the sleigh full of titles, and St. Calipari too. And then, in an instant, I heard such a ruse
WE WANT YOU!
The stomping and sprinting of each of their shoes. As I woke from my bed and was turning around, Down the chimney St. Cal came with a bound. He was dressed in all blue, from his head to his foot, And his suits were all tarnished with ashes and soot; A bundle of banners he had flung on his back, And he looked like a gangsta just opening his pack. The bundle of sweat he held tight in his fists, Glistened on his forehead and dripped down to his wrists; He had a sly face and a comfy office chair, That spun when he laughed, because none could compare. He was humble and victorious, a right jolly old elf, And I rejoiced when I saw him, in spite of myself; A wink of his eye and a toss of his head, Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread; He spoke not a word, but went straight back to work, And won every game; then cut the net with a smirk, And wiping his brow to send them off to the pros, And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose; He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle, And away they all went, flipping off every official But I heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight, “Louisville does not exist, and to BNN, goodnight.”
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‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through BBN Not a creature was stirring, not even after the Kansas win. The stockings were hung by the white tree with care In hope that St. Cal soon would be there; The children were nestled all snug in their beds, While visions of season tickets danced in their heads; And Ma in her Aaron jersey, and I oh so swaggin’, Had just set our DVR for a long season’s whippin’. When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
N OW L E A S I N G F O R FA L L 2 0 1 5 N E W TOW N C R O S S I N G • T H E TOW N H O M E S AT N E W TOW N C R O S S I N G 5 T W E N T Y F O U R & 5 T W E N T Y F I V E A N G L I A N A • R OYA L L E X I N G TO N
L ex i n g t o n S t u d e n t H o u s i n g . c o m
THE BAR GRID Fireball Friday! $1 Off Fireball Shots
Monday-Saturday Happy Hour 3-7pm & 10-Close: $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz Drafts, $2 Domestic Bottles with 1/2 Price Select Apps! Call for Tailgating Package Prices!
Happy Hour Everyday 4pm - 8pm: 2-4-1 Wells, $2 Tall Boys PBR and $4 Long Islands
Never Ending Happy Hour
Happy Hour 3-7pm & 10-Close $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz Drafts $2 Domestic Bottles with 1/2 Price Select Apps! Call for Tailgating Package Prices!
Live Music! 2-4-1 Wells
Fireball Friday! $1 Off Fireball Shots
Happy Hour 3-7pm & 10-Close $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz Drafts $2 Domestic Bottles with 1/2 Price Select Apps! Call for Tailgating Package Prices!
$4 Bombs
Saturday
$4 Jack Honey Kitchen Open Until 2AM
Happy Hour 3-7pm & 10-Close $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz Drafts $2 Domestic Bottles with 1/2 Price Select Apps! Call for Tailgating Package Prices!
$3 Domestics, $3 John Walls
Sunday
$10 Bottomless Mimosas $7.50 Bud Light and Bud Pitchers NFL Ticket & Free Wifi
Happy Hour All Day! $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz Drafts, $2 Domestic Bottles with 1/2 Price Select Apps! Call for Tailgating Package Prices!
$3 Mimosas $5 Bloody Marys
Monday
Martini Monday $4 Martinis Team Bar Trivia 7pm
Happy Hour 3-7pm & 10-Close $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz Drafts $2 Domestic Bottles with 1/2 Price Select Apps! Call for Tailgating Package Prices!
$1.50 Bud Lights $10 Mason Jars
Tuesday
Double Trouble Tuesday! Double Wells for the Price of a Single
Happy Hour 3-7pm & 10-Close $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz Drafts $2 Domestic Bottles with 1/2 Price Select Apps! Call for Tailgating Package Prices!
$2 Domestics, $2 Gatorade Shots, $7 Pitchers
Wednesday
W.I.N. Wednesday Industry Night ½ off your total tab for anyone who works in the service industry. DJ Rain
Happy Hour 3-7pm & 10-Close $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz Drafts $2 Domestic Bottles with 1/2 Price Select Apps! 1/2 Price Bottles of Wine 6-Close
Trivia Starting at Midnight $2 Domestics, $3 Fireball 12 to Close
SPECIAL NIGHT Thursday Friday
Now Hiring Writers Your witty Tweets are just the beginning. Apply @ theblacksheeponline.com THE BAR GRID
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Thursday
HAPPY HOUR 5-9, $2 Wells, $9 Barrel Bowls ALL NIGHT! Live Music starts at 9, with our House DJ on the 1's and 2's during breaks of the band and after 1am!! FREE COVER
Happy Hour 2-7 Live Music
Fireball Friday! $4 Shots DJ Rain
$4 25oz American Beer Cans
Friday
Doors open at noon, or 2 hours before ALL UK games, $12 Domestic buckets during the game, $9 Barrel Bowls all day long LIVE MUSIC starts at 9 with our DJ going on between sets and after 1am! FREE Cover for the ladies
$6 Pitchers of Bud, Bud Lt and Mich Ultra
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Saturday
Join us starting at noon for all the NFL coverage you can handle! $5 Build your own Bloody Mary bar, and several Mimosa specials going on EVERY Saturday & Sunday! FREE WIFI and $7 Domestic pitchers ALL DAY
Open - Watch every NFL Game Here! Happy Hour ALL DAY!
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Sunday
Closed Except for Events... to book our venue please email harrison@pauliestoastedbarrel.com
Happy Hour 2-7pm $1.50 Bud, Bud Light, Ultra, $2.50 Imports and $1 Can Beers
Buck it Monday! Well Drinks and Two Key Lagers for Just a Buck! No Cover
American Can Beer Night $2 12oz Cans
Monday
Open for ALL UK Games: $3 John Wall & gatorade shots, $12 Domestic buckets! Otherwise closed, except for private events. For venue booking please email harrison@pauliestoastedbarrel.com
Happy Hour 2-7pm: Live Trivia, $2 Domestics, $4 Wells, $5 Bombs at 7pm
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2 for $5 Craft Beers from Great Lakes Brewery
Tuesday
Come join us starting at 7 for $2 KT shots and $4 LIT's!! Acoustic music starts at 9, FREE COVER
Happy Hour 2-7pm! $5 Pitchers
Never Ending Happy Hour 1/2 off all Well drinks all day long!
$1.50 16oz Natty Light Cans
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SUNDAY! $3 Strawberry Daquiris Happy Hour 4-7pm: $2 Domestic Bottles
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the HOW WILL YOU DRAMATICALLY AVOID FINALS? quiz 1. What’s you major? a) Something science-y that will actually get you a job and pay your loans. b) Liberal arts/communications c) Psychology or criminology 2. Here’s $1,000! What will you do with it? a) Throw a Gatsby-esque party for your professor as bribery, maybe try to seduce him in the process. b) Buy weapons of terror and threaten your professor to give you an A. c) Buy some kind of slave to take your exams. 3. Your professor pulls you aside before class to warn you about your failing grades, what do you do? a) Give your professor a note requesting a special office hour (this means sex, and no, you can’t back out). b) Scream and proclaim your teacher touched your no-no and watch mayhem ensue. c) Whisper into his ear that your ninja assassins are at each exit, and should he fail you, he may never see his children again. 4. It’s 4 a.m. and your 6-page paper due at 8 a.m. is non-existent. What do you do to fix this problem?
a) Create a fake Tinder, stalk your professor, and send enough harassing messages to make him fear leaving the house the next day so class is canceled. b) Drink enough Red Bull so you sprout wings and fly far away. c) Go to class covered in blood and claim you have Ebola, before collapsing to the ground in a dramatic fashion. 5. You have a final in two minutes at White Hall and you’re all the way at Willy T. What do you do? a) Stab someone’s foot and run away before they get a glimpse. Come running from the other direction and call for help. You will be hailed as a hero. b) Go to the computer lab and hack into UK’s system. Enter your final grade for the class and go back to sleeping under a desk. c) Break the sliding bookcases so you are sandwiched between them. Make sure to make a big scene and you’ll surely end up in The Kernel. 6. A particularly nasty flu has broken out on campus, you: a) Use your filming skills to make a believeable story that the zombie apocalypse is
happening at UK’s campus. Make it go viral and relax that your finals are all cancelled. b) Don’t leave your room, ignore outside contact. People will assume you’re dead. c) You actually created a strain of disease that turns people into zombies, but these silly mortals are assuming it’s the flu. Madness ensues. 7. It’s the weekend and you have a huge final on Monday. How are you preparing? a) Sharpening your knives or hiding in bushes to record your professor performing some discrediting act. b) Preparing? That’s funny. You gotta represent your house at the big event this weekend. c) Playing Super Smash Brothers all weekend. Don’t bother. 8. Well, you are going to flunk all your classes, what do you do? a) Sue the University of Kentucky for discrimination and sexual harassment. They offer you a degree to avoid going to court. Success. b) Kill your roommate, claim it is suicide so you get all A’s. c) Join the NASA program that pays $18,000 to lay in bed for 70 days.
8-12 Points - Psycho Killer: Yeah, you have an… interesting way of handling things. Murder and kidnapping are usually involved… you should talk to someone. Just please don’t hurt us… You’re beautiful and… we love you? 13-18 Points - Sly and Sneaky: You do your finals-dodging under the radar. You don’t exist the rest of the school year to the rest of the university, so why bother attracting attention to yourself now? With your precision, you will avoid your finals with ease. 19-24 Points - Look at me! Look at me!: You have a way of drawing all eyes towards you. Maybe it’s your annoying loudness or your dramatic effect. Why change your study habits now? Just come up with a convincing lie about a terrible disease you contracted and you’ll make it by this semester with a C, no finals required.
ANSWER KEY: 1. A-2, B-3, C-1 2. A-3, B-1, C-2
3. A-2, B-3, C-1 4. A-1, B-2, C-3
5. A-1, B-2, C-3 6. A-3, B-2, C-1
7. A-1, B-3, C-2 8. A-3, B-1, C-2
Natalie Shofner wrote this
Cornhole tournaments on Thursday night pint nights Ale 8 floats over 100 beers: mix your own six pack local beers on draft 1 block from the library
552 Columbia Ave., Lexington 859-309-0944 like us on facebook!
vaporizers and smoking accessories Live music on the front porch on Friday nights!
ARE YOU SMARTER THAN? 0 E t of 1 R SCO 5 ou
1) December Dates: What award, named after the eponymous man’s death, is given yearly on his birthday, December 10th? 2) Hanukkah: How many days is Hanukkah celebrated? 3) Christmas Carols: What famous carol contains the lines, “Not only green when summer’s here/ But also when it’s cold and drear”?
KATIE of TIN ROOF THE DRINKING GAME
6) Candy: Peppermint is a hybrid mint, a cross between watermint and what other kind of mint? 7) 2015: What 80s classic has a trio arriving to October 21st, 2015? 8) The Bible: According to the Bible, in what city was Jesus born?
4) Fad Gifts: Christmas 2004 saw Billy, who sang, “Don’t Worry, Be Happy.” What was Billy?
9) Festivus: The Festivus Feats of Strength ends when this happens to the head of the household.
5) Holiday Movies: This 2003 holiday Christmas hit originally had Jim Carrey attached to play the lead role.
10) New Year’s Eve: What city hosts an annual “Peach Drop” on New Year’s Eve?
Katie’s Answers
Correct Answers
1) George Washington 2) Eight 3) “A Christmas Carol" 4) Big Mouth Bass 5) Elf 6) Peppermint 7) Back to the Future 8) Bethlehem 9) When the son gets married. 10) Atlanta
1) Nobel Prize 2) Eight 3) “O Christmas Tree” 4) Bass, or Big Mouth Bass 5) Elf 6) Spearmint 7) Back to the Future II 8) Bethlehem 9) He or she is pinned 10) Atlanta
RECIPE FOR DISASTER
DANGEROUS DECORATIONS
SILENCING SANTA
It’s Christmas time and that means it’s time to decorate. Sure, it looks nice, but it’s a pain in the ass to work on all day and 99.9% of the time you end up breaking something precious to your parents. So this year it might be best to grab yourself a 30-rack excuse before you cause a holly-jolly wreckage in your living room.
Alright, Santa Claus. We never forgot the time when we were six and you got us socks instead of a new PlayStation. We never forgot the shock, the tears, the anger, the confusion, the absolute sense of feeling lost. We never forgot. And now it’s time to pay up, big guy. Go ahead and take a bite out of those cookies we left for you by the front door...we dare you.
What You’ll Need: 30-rack of Rolling Rock and a 12-pack of Redd’s Apple Ale (You’ve got to stay festive with the color scheme, right?) Level of Intoxication: Drunk enough to use your baby brother as the angel on top of the tree.
What You’ll Need: 2 eggs, 2 cups chocolate chips, 2 cups flour, ½ teaspoon baking soda, 2 ounces rat poison, ½ teaspoon salt, 1 cup brown sugar, 1 stick butter Fatty Factor: Fat enough to take down the fattest man around.
How to Play: - Find out when your family will begin decorating and start preparing four hours ahead of time. - Turn on TBS and drink every time it comes back from commercial and A Christmas Story is on. - By this point, Lord knows you’re hammered. Stumble upstairs (don’t forget to bring up a box!). - Begin hanging everything with a hook on everyone with a nose. - Shove the stuffed Santa up the chimney, but don’t tell anyone (it will be hilarious when you find it six years later). - Carefully hang all the ornaments on the tree. - Get a 30-foot running start and dive head first into the tree. The Game Ends When: You wake up buried in joyous rubble and with a mistletoe up your butt.
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Let’s Get Baked: - Crack your knuckles and squeeze the eggs over your mixing bowl about as hard as it felt when Santa squeezed the life out of your heart that day. - Pack the brown sugar tightly in your cup with the same aggression that’s been building up inside of you for years every time you think of that pair of socks. - Mix in the baking soda, flour and butter while you think of what it will be like to wake up and find revenge under the tree. - Add the ingredient. Add all of it...just to make sure. - Form your cookies unlike the way your childhood failed to form from the emotional distress that fat bastard caused you and put your cookies in the oven. - Set out the trap cookies and wait for the opportunity to avenge the biggest holiday tragedy of your adolescence. Oh, sorry Santa Claus, does that burn your stomach a bit? We must have left them in the oven for too long.
NOMNOMNOM AT THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
A BLACK SHEEP GUIDE
What’s the best way for you to
procrastinate for finals week?
A BLACK SHEEP GUIDE
The BluzzSheed 5 pieces of coal that don’t give a damn about gender roles
If your New Year’s resolutions were inspirational posters
1) “I like playing Barbies and football.”
“No more one night stands, unless he’s an 8.”
2) “Make yourself a goddamn sandwich.”
3) “Just because my ass looks good does not mean you can catcall me.”
“Starting tomorrow, every time my mom calls me fat she gets one less grandkid.” “I’m finally going to tell my boss to take a stick and shove it up his ass.”
4) “I don’t need to be a woman to enjoy the feel of satin panties on my ass.” 5) “This is a unisex miniskirt.”
“If we’re both still single this time next year let’s just have sex with each other.”
“I’m cutting down on drinking until I can get sloppy off three shots again.”
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the SITTING ON SANTA’S LAP madlib Hey there, ya big, tubby bowl of __(1)__, how ya doing? If you are who you say you are, you know I haven’t come by the mall to talk to you since I was __(2)__, but it’s been a rough year, and I really need you to knock Christmas out of the park this year. Let me start by saying, is that a __(3)__in your pocket, or you just happy to see me? Seems so __(4)__ I could hang an ornament off it, am I right, you big, virile badass? This year I’m going to want a __(5)__, but not one of the cheap ones, one with plenty of __(6)__and __(7)__and everything. I actually have one on my Amazon Wish List, so just log in and check it out. I’m also going to want a __(8)__, a bottle of __(9)__and a lifetime supply of __(10)__. Hey fat man, don’t give me that look, that elf over there told me this is a __(11)__-free zone. It’s not just that I want a lot of good stuff, I think my family deserves what’s comin’ to them, too. Get my mom a __(12)__ for that time she didn’t get me a __(13)__for Christmas in 2003. Get my sister a __(14)__to remind her of the time she told my mom about __(15)__ in the basement when I was in high school. Karma’s a bitch, aye __(16)__? Finally, get my stepdad Todd a nice big pile of __(17)__. Just ‘cause you get to stuff it in my mom doesn’t mean you get to enjoy the holiday spirit, not with me around. Sorry you jolly bastard, there’s a flock of moms giving me the side-eye over there, so I’ll hop off to let a little __(18)__ hop on and __(19)__on your outfit. Sure you’ll love that. Also, Santa, remember, you better get me everything, I know where you live, and I will __(20)__you.
CLUE BANK 1. Kind euphemism for fat 2. Age you last visited a mall Santa 3. Christmas item 4. Adjective 5. Expensive present 6. Feature on #5 7. Feature found on #5 8. Cheap present 9. Something that comes in a bottle 10. Noun 11. Noun 12. Bad gift 13. Hot 2003 Christmas items 14. Karmic gift 15. Illicit high school activity 16. Sister name 17. Something gross 18. Small child synonym 19. Expulsion of bodily fluid 20. Verb
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THE FINAL QUIZ
WHAT DID YOU GIVE WEE BABY JESUS FOR CHRISTMAS? 1) To you, organized religion is… a) The Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End. b) Religion, man, is all around us, man. There is no God. We are god. c) An anachronism of a time past meant to instill fear in those a patriarchal establishment direly wanted to oppress. 2) So, is Christmas a pretty big deal to you? a) Well, if you think exploiting sweatshop labor in third-world countries is a reason for a bunch of spoiled white people to celebrate, sure. b) AS LONG AS YOU’RE KEEPIN’ THE CHRIST IN THERE, SINNER. c) Leafy green season is dank as shit, bro. 3) Then, on Christmas Eve we can find you… a) Chillin’ with the Chet-meister waiting for the rest of the brodeo to show up so the foosball tournament can begin. b) In somber reflection of what a poor carpenter has done for all of us. c) Cackling wryly at Christians lamenting the co-opting of a religious holiday by big business, when they first took over a Pagan holiday to spread their message.
4) When Great Aunt Millie gives you a novelty sombrero for a gift because she’s on a fixed income and it’s all she can afford, you… a) Are reminded just how screwed up the system is. Will there even be Social Security when you retire? b) Text your buddy Lak-Lak about putting together a sombrer-hos party as soon as you’re back at school. c) Smile politely, setting it aside as you consider the nearest clothing donation center to your house. 5) If Jesus were to return to Earth today, he’d probably… a) Lament the state of religion in modern society. b) Be awful freakin’ hungry, bro. c) Be one’a them anti-vaxxers.
6) When you realize that Jesus’ dad wasn’t around much as a child, it makes you think… a) Man, I talk to invisible voices in my head all the time, and I’m doing just fine. b) It doesn’t matter, plenty of studies show that non-biological fathers, if around at a young enough age, are a plenty good surrogate for real dads. c) You’re wrong, his dad is everywhere always. He’s here right now. 7) Discrepancies in the Bible tell you… a) That mistakes happen, dude. Last week me and the guys argued for three hours whether Dylan’s still a virgin if he had buttsex. b) That God tests our faith. It’s not the exact words, but the messages they deliver. c) It’s as legitimate a piece of text as Go, Dog Go. 8) When you first saw this quiz, you thought… a) One of those gifts is going to be a weed reference. This is amateur hour. b) I hope I’m whatever the weed reference is! c) Someone start this paper on fire, these people are sinners.
ANSWERS 8-13: Gold: Because earthly treasures matter not to you, you decided to bring the wee baby Jesus some gold. It feels a little bit like you’re trying to buy your way into Heaven, but if it’s in the Bible, then it must be ok. 14-19: Frankincense: You would’a brought the little guy some rolling papers too, but the 7-Eleven in Bethlehem just sold out of them. Still, that guy with his mom is a carpenter, so he’ll be able to fashion a pipe outta something. 20-24: Myrrh: No one really knows what this stuff is, but it doesn’t matter—you’ll save the good presents for fictional characters you actually care about.
answer key 1) A-1 B-2 C-3 2) A-3 B-1 C-2 3) A-2 B-1 C-3 4) A-3 B-2 C-1
5) A-1 B-2 C-3 6) A-2 B-3 C-1 7) A-2 B-1 C-3 8) A-3 B-2 C-1
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