Vol. 2, Issue 14
The Black Sheep The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
free ...l ike the getti mist n’ so let me u oe. nd er
12/5/13 - 12/11/13
Purge Week Begins at UK BY: C weaver The administration of UK was gathered late one night, trying desperately hard to find a plan to fix what was going on throughout campus. Thanksgiving had just passed. This sham of a fall break is usually all that’s needed to calm the crazies of the university, but it only led to more insanity; the girls had gone wild, the guys had already started flipping cars, and the teachers weren’t even bothering to come to class anymore. “We need to handle this shit, like yesterday,” said one corporate bigwig. “March Madness is right around the corner. If they don’t calm their asses now, there’s no telling what will happen when we win the NCAA championships.” “Well, dead week is fast approaching. They’ll have some time to cool down and catch up on their studies,” replied the second corporate douche. “You don’t know a damn thing about this school, do you? No one obeys the ritual of dead week anymore. Teachers assign papers, some have their tests early, and labs still suck the science geeks dry. The dead in dead week now refers to the death of kids’ spirits rather than the silence on campus.” “I’ve got the best solution ever. I really hope you old geezer board members wore your diapers today, because you guys are about to shit your pants. Remember the movie, The Purge? Fuck dead week! We need to start a bi-annual Purge Week where crime on campus is legal for 5 days,” shouted another youthful establishment member. A flyer is sent out two days later with the following rules: All crime is legal from mid-
night on Sunday until midnight on Friday night. The only exceptions are that teachers and corporate tools remain unharmed and only “Class-4 Hotties” are allowed to go streaking. Within the first ten minutes following the mass email, the Ombud’s office received 45 phone calls wondering whether midnight Sunday meant Saturday or Sunday night. By the time Sunday night/Monday morning rolled around, frustrations were high and Willy T was already seeing a number of mental breakdowns. But alas, Purge Week had arrived. Monday: The students are still a little skeptical about this new Purge Week. They tiptoe around the idea of committing the crimes they’ve been daydreaming about ever since the first time their TA talked down to them. But by the end of the day, thirty frat boys TP’d Willy T and, to our horror, planking on cars made a comeback. Tuesday: The morning consists of special brownie bake sales (which actually raised a ton of money until they got robbed on campus) and by the afternoon, every UKPD cruiser has been parted out. Someone broke into Thomas Hunt Morgan and released all the salamanders and fruit flies, and the SafeCats golf carts got turned into mobile strip clubs. Wednesday: The teachers are finally getting involved in all the fun. Instead of quizzes, the students do shots of KG. Instead of lab procedures, the students do shots of KG. And instead of writing papers, the students do even more shots of KG. The chemistry department is going all Breaking Bad and
the engineers install a bungee jumping station from Patterson Office Tower. Thursday: There is a giant bonfire Thursday morning. All the students gather in front of Whitehall to burn all their textbooks, couches, and bike cops’ bicycles. No one seems to give a shit that campus stinks of burnt rubber; they have a fresh stock of special brownies and are all still drunk from Wednesday.
Friday: Purge week has come to an end and the students were really starting to relax. An all-day rave is held in the Hub and the streaking has finally begun. In fact, a naked parade is held on Rose Street after lunch. There is even talk of replacing Dance Blue with Dance Nude. By nightfall, most of the students are tired of drinking and actually consider cracking open their textbook to study for a while, until they remember that they threw all their books in the bonfire from Thursday.
Purge week was deemed a success and the University of Kentucky decided to completely replace dead week from now on. But since 90% of the student body completely bombed their finals and the riots pretty much devastated the city of Lexington, there is a strong chance the head honchos may reconsider, and opt back in to keeping us all too tired and busy to care about how tired and busy we are.
page 5
page 7
page 12
Everyone Taking Snapchat Selfies hit by car at once
Top 10 Freshman Finals Week Fears
Johnson Center Posts New Regulations on Gun Control
at least in her final moments her goofy face looked cute and goofy.
It’s hard being a newbie during this dreaded week.
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A director that would repurpose an anthropomorphized rabbit book with pink flamingos instead.
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UK Listens to Students’ Complaints,
Cancels Finals By: Brian Barsotti In a startling decision, administrators at the University of Kentucky have decided to cancel all final examinations and term papers for the fall 2013 semester. The revised schedule is to carry on with the rest of the school year as normal but “without the whole finals thing.” This change has come about after vast quantities of complaints from the student body. Administrators noted the consensus among both students and professors is that finals “totally blow” and are a “huge waste of time.” In fact, a campuswide poll revealed that final exams have an even lower approval rating than cancer-AIDS (the worst type of AIDS).
ing them, so what’s the point in having them?”
“I don’t know why we didn’t address these complaints sooner than we did,” said University President Eli Capilouto. “Students have never liked taking final exams, and professors have never liked grad-
Critics are attacking this radical change by calling it further evidence of the “pussification” of American higher education system. They say that canceling final exams, as well as a massive grade
Capilouto went on to justify their decision to nix final exams. “Looking back on it, it was unreasonable of us to expect students to not only study new material but also to retain that knowledge for a matter of months, especially after all the hardcore partying they need to do on a weekly basis,” Capilouto said. “Everyone knows that any information worth learning should be forgotten within a week, which is why finals are a poor indicator of one’s study habits and work ethic. It even says it in the name: FINALS—Fuck, I Never Actually Learned Shit.”
inflation, reflects a devaluation of college education—that without the pressure to do well in school, students gain little real-world preparation from their college experience, and public universities become nothing more than booze-filled country clubs. Many, however, see these critics as major buzz-kills. “Hey, we all want students to learn and take school seriously, but we just don’t feel that testing them at the end of the semester is the best way to motivate them,” explained one administrator. “Having one test determine 40% of a student’s grade isn’t helpful. It’s just really stressful, and stress is never good. Stress causes heart attacks. We don’t want to give our students heart attacks; we can’t let that sit on our conscience.” More people are agreeing that
finals hold no significant educational value. After all, the only real consequence from taking final exams is a lifelong recurring nightmare about being back in a lecture hall, unprepared for an important test and in your underwear. And be honest—does anyone spend their time before finals productively? Of course not. They don’t use that free time to study for final exams. They
use it to post complaints on Facebook and Twitter about studying for final exams. “It is clear that finals are a waste of everyone’s time,” President Capilouto concluded. “For a while, the school’s faculty was reluctant to agree, but the students begged to differ. Their overwhelmingly negative feedback to final examinations
eventually became too great to ignore, because thousands of college kids can’t be wrong, can they? So we put the kibosh on finals. Why, we’re even considering getting rid of midterm exams next semester as well. It just goes to show that voicing your complaints excessively on social media can make a difference.”
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Everyone Taking Snapchat Selfies Movie Fan Dad is “Pissed Off” hit by car at once at Ending of Catching Fire By: Dillon McLaughlin
By Kitty Kat
Early Tuesday evening, all 8 million Snapchat users were fatally hit by a car as they all took a selfie. Tragically, there were no survivors.
“This was absolutely ridiculous,” Lexington Dad Bruce Bailey said about the most recent installment of the Hunger Games series. “Movie tickets are not cheap, and when I pay to see a movie, I better be seeing the whole damn thing.
Eyewitnesses report that just as the 8 million Snapchat users stepped out into the road, faces screwed up in typical Snapchat fashion, a silver 2006 Mercury Sable plowed through them, sending bodies and Chinesemade technology flying through the air. “I saw them stepping into the street, staring into their front-facing smartphone cameras, and then there was a screech,” said bystanders Phillip Jacobson. “Next thing I knew, there were a half a dozen cellphones at my feet and blood everywhere.” “There was nothing I could do,” continued Jacobson. “I tried to signal to the car that the entire user base for Snapchat was about to cross the street, but the driver must not have seen me.” In a dark twist, the victims’ faces all froze as they were at their time of death, making this the most hilarious case of rigor mortis ever and causing raucous laughter at the coroner’s office. “The untimely death of 8 million people is not something to be taken lightly,” said local coroner Angus Fleetman. “But did you see their faces? It’s a shame we have to put these in a body bag, because these are some of the
funniest facial rearrangements I’ve seen in a long time, and I was at the Polaroid Party of 1976.” Snapchat Inc. could not be reached for comment. “Sure it’s tragic, but really, what were they expecting?” mused Damien LaTomes, Snapchat protester and frequent Dunkin’ Donuts customer. “If people need an app for texting and walking, how can they expect Snapchatting to turn out any better?” “Is this what vindication feels like?” asked LaTomes, allowing the inhumane but admittedly relatable facet of his personality to shine through for just a moment. The car that hit the victims was allegedly driven by someone Instagramming the sunset instead of controlling their two ton careening death trap.
“My dad is unbelievable,” Bailey’s 10-year-old son Warner said. “We
tried telling him there’s still one more to go, but he wouldn’t have it. He just kept asking, ‘Where’s Peeta? How can this end without Peeta?’” “If this is the kind of shit my kids are watching these days, then I’ve about had it. Yessir, no more of this in my house. It’ll be 12 straight hours of The Fairly Odd Parents. At least those writers know how to wrap up a show! Jesus.”
“I mean, my adrenaline was pumping, I had a few tears in my eyes, I still had half a bucket of popcorn left … and the next thing I knew, it was over! How can you just end something like that?” Bailey asked.
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Bailey took his wife and two children to the Cinemark Movie 10 for a family night out to see Catching Fire this past weekend but found the end of the movie completely unfulfilling. Bailey himself is not very familiar with the storyline, but his reasons to see the movie include the fact that his kids have read all the books and that “that main girl is super hot.”
Other theater-goers in the same showing as Bailey giggled quietly to themselves at the man’s reaction. “We’re pretty sure he has no idea it’s a trilogy,” Bess Porter said. “Like, there’s still one more whole book to cover. It’ll wrap itself up at the end. But for now, it’s just funny to see this guy flip out. His kids look so embarrassed.”
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on the Streets Where’s the weirdest place you’ve found yourself at 4 a.m.? Hannah
“In handcuffs... JK, usually in my bed!”
Danny
“The back of a truck.”
Pete
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
06
Kentucky Wildcats Return to Retro Uniforms to Promote Positive Body Image
The
Top
Ten
Freshman Finals Week Fears By: Lucas Troxell
Finals week is fast approaching and freshman are as nervous as Louisville fans in Rupp Arena. Here is a list of what The Black Sheep deems as the Top 10 freshman finals week fears. 10.) Flunking out: It’s a harsh world and flunking out is some real shit. Flunking out would mean having to explain to your mom that you didn’t pass your Psychology 100 class because you were too busy beer bonging from a noodle off a random porch on State Street. Just remember D’s get degrees, too.
By: winnie bago The Kentucky Wildcat Men’s Basketball team is going retro. For the rest of the season, the team will wear traditional short-shorts uniforms from the 1940s in an effort to promote positive body image among players, fans and families. “Kids have a lot of pressure these days to fit within what the media outlines as ‘beautiful’ or ‘acceptable,’” Coach John Calpari said. “Just the other day my son Camden was watching Austin & Ally on Disney Channel and asked me why he didn’t have muscles as juicy and plump as the lead actor Ross Lynch. Then he just started bawling his eyes out. And what was I supposed to say? I think he’s beautiful just the way he is.”
“Sex sells,” Coach Cal said plainly. “We all know it’s true. And if it means exploiting my players for more revenue then let's do it." The short-shorts and skimpy tank tops will reveal the most skin any basketball team has shown in years. Whether you’re muscular, slim, chubby or just plain ugly, the newly-instated uniforms will welcome all body types and show all basketball fans that you should be proud of the skin you’re in. The goal is also to attract more fans to the games who are interested in seeing a little more upper thigh. “Sex sells,” Coach Cal said plainly. “We all know it’s true. And if it means exploiting my players for higher attendance, a more energetic student section, and more revenue, then let’s do it.”
The inspiration for the skimpy throwback uniforms had to come from somewhere. UK Athletics noticed that the volleyball team attracts a high amount of spectators and revenue, even with students getting into games for free with their wildcards. The only correlation between high attendance from spectators and volleyball games that athletic directors could find were the sexual, skin-hugging uniforms. Volleyball is a no-nonsense sport. Digging and flipping and sliding and jumping requires skin-tight uniforms that allow players to keep their game face on without having to pick wedgies. Their uniforms are form-fitting, making it seem as though the players are not wearing uniforms at all. The tight spandex shirts and barely-there shorts allow players to move freely, not having to worry about sagging shorts or underwear lines (probably because they’re not wearing any to begin with). The women stay strong, fierce and worry-free. That's what UK athletic directors wanted to incorporate into the men’s basketball 2013-2014 season. However, the switch was not only inspired by volleyball players. In fact, the correlation between clothing and volleyball was inspired by the ancient Greeks. UK athletic directors are fascinated by semi-nude buffs from Ancient Greece, showcasing “hot bods of faraway times.” “Putting our men in more revealing uniforms will make the future idolize our campus like we idolize Ancient Greece,” Todd Parker, a member of the Kentucky athletic board, said. “Maybe there will be monuments named after us … and stuff.” The uniforms are currently being cleaned and pressed and will make a debut appearance when Kentucky faces Baylor on December 6th.
9.) Losing their spot at Willy T: Any true finals veteran knows a spot is never safe at Willy T during finals week. Even if you are at a table with the UK basketball team watching over you, your seat is still not safe from the vultures that skulk around looking for a spot to set up camp when you get up to powder your nose with some Adderall in the bathroom. 8.) Information overload: All-night cram sessions are as common as white girls in Starbucks during finals week. With that being said, a lot of information will be crammed into your head which could replace vital information you need, like which way you go to get class. While remembering the quadratic formula might help you pass your MA 111 final, you can’t even take the test if you forget how to breathe. 7.) Their roommate running out of his Adderall prescription: For those of you who aren’t personally prescribed the college student’s gift to procrastination you may have to rely on your ADHD roommate for the study drug. Running out right before finals week could be devastating. If this does happen to you don’t worry, you can always just retake that class next semester. 6.) The whereabouts of the foot stabber: Incoming freshmen and famous alumni alike are hyperaware of the threat of the Willy T foot stabber. Instead of wearing your favorite open toed sandals with socks, now you’re going to have to go out and buy a pair of Timberland boots from Wal-Mart to make sure you still have a big toe to help balance your delirious ass on the way to Memorial Hall for your exam. 5.) Getting caught calling mommy on the phone: At the end of finals week, all anyone wants is for their mommy to tuck them into bed and spoon feed them a hot toddy. Upperclassmen have the strength and discipline to at least wait until they get home to break down and call mommy. Freshmen, on the other hand, may not be able to resist the urge to call mommy dearest as they bubble in their name and student number. 4.) Chaos on campus: Whitehall could be demolished due to the heavy rioting by students in protest of the horrible exams. Campus could be like Avenue of Champions after the Cats won the national title. Death could be as imminent as failure. And freshmen would have no idea how or when to join in. 3.) Untimely bowel movement: The worst possible time for the Mongolian grill station to wreak havoc on your stomach is during your biggest final that you spent the most time studying for. A 50 minute class definitely isn’t enough time to drop your kids off at the pool and pull out a passing grade, especially if the professor doesn’t allow you to take your Scantron into the bathroom with you. 2.) Forgetting to wear pants Study, eat, bring a pencil, and keep your eyes open is a lot to juggle at once, making it even easier for the inexperienced freshman to forget to put on new pants in between brushing their teeth and slapping on a new layer of deodorant. And as we all know, UK has a strict “No Pants, No Pass” policy. 1.) Gaining the freshman 15 in one week: By now you’ve survived rush week, midterms, and Kentucky football season all without gaining a pound. You can see the light at the end of the tunnel; this semester is finally almost over. In just a couple short weeks you will be able to go home to “Wow, you look great! Look at you, you great looking college student, you!” But now that you’re up studying at 3 a.m. and the only place open on campus is Ovid’s, you’re worried that spicy beef wrap and double order of French fries will catch up with you at the last minute.
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The Accounts of the
Mad Vinyl
Collector By: Kevin Wise Hey, guys. The Black Sheep comes bearing sad news. We’ve discovered something; something…evil occurs during the holidays. Perhaps evil is the wrong word. It’s certainly disturbing. During one of our bi-weekly archaeological digs we do over in Portland, we unearthed some tomes. Tomes upon tomes upon tomes, all penned by the same man. Skimming through them, we found pages that told a tale of insurmountable darkness and despair. The man had logged his journey through the vinyl-collecting world, painting his descent in the grimmest way possible. We felt it would be irresponsible not to share it with you; even he wouldn’t wish this fate upon anyone else. And, please, forgive his wicked soul this holiday season. December 25th, 2012: Merry Christmas! Oh, what a great day it’s been. I got to spend the whole evening with my family, just played some Pictionary and hung out, nothing too fancy. Dad couldn’t make it, but that’s Dad for you! Oh, Dad, you and your divorces and Thai child brides! Didn’t ask for much as far as Mom goes, and was surprised to see what I actually got. Mom got me a record player of all things. It’s so weird. All my music’s on my computer. Don’t really see why I’d need a record player. But…I don’t really want to return it. I mean, there’s something charming about it. Like, in an antique sort of way. Yeah, I think I’m gonna keep it. But I should get some music to play on it, of course! Otherwise, what’s the point? Oh, this should be fun! December 29th, 2012: So I finally took time out of the day to make it to one of those indie music stores downtown. I could’ve just ordered some records off the internet with those Amazon gift cards grandma got me, but I figured this’d be more…authentic. It was so small (the store, I mean), but the walls were stacked with all kinds of music. I figured it would mostly be reserved for the older stuff, but it’s good to see I can get that Dixie Chicks Taking the Long Way album I’ve always wanted in a record print. Actually, the guy at the counter informed me they were vinyl, in a rather snooty manner. Well, sorry guy. We’re not all as cool as you, with your nose ring and plugs. Still, I thanked him for correcting me and checked out a bargain bin copy of Home (much to the chagrin of the cashier). Can’t wait until I get to listen to it tomorrow! December 30th, 2012: Finished up listening to my girls, the Dixie Chicks. This time on vinyl. I kind of don’t get it. I mean, I heard that records—excuse me, vinyl albums-- are the purest way to listen to music; that the lack of compression really strengthens the sound, but I don’t really hear it. A lot of hissing and a decent amount of warping coming out of the speakers. It was kind of hard to hear the actual music through all the fuzz. That said... what I did hear gave off a sort of wholesome feel. The instruments felt louder; the drums had a good kick. And the voices were very serene. Natalie’s never sounded better. I don’t know. Maybe I’ll give this thing another chance. January 3rd 2013: Figured out where the hissing was coming from. I just needed a new stylus! Silly me! Got a diamond one. Cost 80 bucks; totally worth it. Martie’s dulcet tones really hit me now. And, as much as I like Home, I’m really thinking about getting some more music to play on this thing. Yeah, it’s a bit pricier than just buying off the internet, but there’s a sort of novelty to these records. Like, a I-gotta-have-‘em-all feeling. Well, I’ll see how it goes. Gonna head back to that store sometime next week.
The Accounts of the Mad Vinyl Collector
The Accounts of the Mad Vinyl Collector January 6th, 2013: I had a great time over at that indie music store downtown. Actually chatted it up with that same cashier from last time. His name’s Brett, but he said he likes to go by B-Money. Says it’s ironic. He’s the proprietor of the store as well, and we just had this really nice talk. He was just so real. Like, I’m usually not very political, but when he told me about how he was sticking it to the GOP by only accepting records with sleeves printed on recycled paper…I teared up a bit. And his story about saving whales by hunting whale poachers? Brilliant. He even told me he’d help me with my music selection! While I disagree with what he said about the Dixie Chicks, he pointed out all these new bands that I’d never even heard of. The Republic of Wolves? Of Montreal? Deafheaven? Oh, I got so excited about his recommendations I just purchased them all. How am I going to fit all this stuff in my car? I head back to school in a couple of days. February 8th, 2013: I got a Fugazi album. I don’t even like Fugazi. It’s the one with the yellow and the Washington Monument. So cool. Man, I’ve been getting all sorts of records lately. And not even because I like them! I just want to have some cred for when my new friends come around. Brett’s been holding a party at my place the past few days, and the people there like to put on records they’d never heard before. But only for a little bit, just to be able to say that they heard it. Sometimes they just trade obscure band names like a currency. I’ve got to stay ahead in this game. I’m running out of records they haven’t heard of. March 16th, 2013: Landlord came by today; asked about my last payment. Money’s been tight. Hopeless economy. Tried to trade him one of my duplicate records for another month, but he wouldn’t take it. Said vinyl was ancient. Useless, even! Philistine! He should let me stay here for free, just to be in the vicinity of my obviously superior intellect. Running low on food too. Maybe I’ll see if any freshmen want to trade some vinyl for a dining hall swipe. May 3rd, 2013: Sold all my stuff. Everything but my records and player. That’s all I need. Can’t let anyone tell me different. Mom called me earlier today; said she was worried about me. Well, joke’s on you, Mom! I cut my landline! Went apartment hunting, too. Honestly, it’s just so hard to find a decent living space these days. Might as well sleep on a park bench. Doesn’t cost anything, and it’s just as homely. Yeah, I think I’ll do that. May 19th, 2013: I ate all my vinyls. Not for the sustenance. God, no. I’m beyond that; don’t need food anymore. No, I did this to achieve my true form. I’ve realized that I am more than a human. I am the beginning and the end; the alpha and the omega. I am sound itself. May 22nd, 2013: OhGodwhathaveIdoneOhGodwhathaveIdoneOhGodwhathaveIdoneOhGodwhathaveIdone OhGodwhathaveIdoneOhGodwhathaveIdoneOhGodwhathaveIdoneOhGodwhathaveIdone OhGodwhathaveIdoneOhGodwhathaveIdoneOhGodwhathaveIdoneOhGodwhathaveIdone OhGodwhathaveIdoneOhGodwhathaveIdoneOhGodwhathaveIdoneOhGodwhathaveIdone OhGodwhathaveIdoneOhGodwhathaveIdoneOhGodwhathaveIdoneOhGodwhathaveIdone OhGodwhathaveIdoneOhGodwhathaveIdoneOhGodwhathaveIdoneOhGodwhathaveyoudone June [illegible]: [The page is slathered in blood, some of which obscures what day the entry was actually logged. What little lettering is left can barely be made out. The ink is arranged in a seemingly random pattern, skittering between the paper and the blood.] July 1=2nd, 2013: Hiss. Scratch. Hiss. Scratch. Hiss. Scratch. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hissssssssssssss… [the S’s go on for quite some time]. July 10th, 2013: ΔMi−1 = −αΣn=1NDi[n][ΣjC[i]Fji[n − 1] +Fexti[[n−1]]/ Asin(kx ±ωt) ·2Acos(δ /2)sin(kx −ωt +δ / 2)<-KEY f= kB= 1.3806504×1023 J/K :Δ f = f2 − f1 = fmax − fmin:J = p × v = Z × v2 = p2 / Z W/m2 v = p / Z = J / p = √(J / Z) m/s p = Z × v = J / v = √(J × Z) Z = p / v = J / v2 = p2 / J<-not as necessary pt = exp(−x · as) [Pa] x = 1 / (10 · log ((exp(1))2) = ca. 0.1151Delta Lt = 20 · log (pi / pt) = as [dB]a =8.686 · f2 · ((1.84 · 10−11 · (pa / pr)−1 · (T / To)1/2) + y) [dB/m] y = (T / To)−5/2· (0.01275 · exp (−2239.1 / T) · (frO + f2 / frO)−1 + z) z = 0.1068 · exp (−3352 / T) · (frN + f2 / frN)−1frO = (pa / pr) · (24 + 4.04 · 104 · h · ((0.02 + h) / (0.391 + h)))frN = (pa / pr) · (T / To)−1/2 · (9 + 280 · h · exp (−4.170 · ((T / To)−1/3−1)))h = hr · ((psat / pr) / (pa / pr)) = hr · (psat / pa)psat = pr · 10(−6.8346 · (To1 / T)^1.261 + 4.6151)<-GOD The logs end here. We hope we were able to help, even just a little bit. Remember to be wary of the temptations vinyl brings; we don’t want you to suffer like he did.
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Johnson Center Posts
New Regulations on Gun Control By: Mathew Kennedy
As of late, the debate on gun control has been a hot topic in these good ole’ Lexington. And now, the debate has moved even closer to home. The Johnson Center has fallen under newfound criticism after unveiling their new regulations on gun control in the facility. At noon today, Johnson Center President Eli Capilouto held a press conference in the men’s locker room to showcase the new gun control regulations that are having constituents, literally, up in arms. Amongst these new laws are an enforcement of a No Flex Zone, a No-Shouting-While-Lifting-To-Get-Attention regulation, and an overt emphasis on the “conceal” aspect of Conceal and Carry. “We expected the laws to be met with some controversy,” Hermanson said, “There are a lot of people who have attempted to walk into here butt-ass naked to make a point, while others have been seen sporting a winter parka and snow pants to state the contrary.” Shortly following the press conference, pro-gun control activist, Larry Peterson, arrived on the scene. Peterson has been involved in the movement ever since the Schwarzenegger Scandal of ’77 (note: details remain classified). He believes in the sanctity of one’s arms. He’s
under the impression that cut-off shirts are the devil and that a man or woman’s arms are only to be displayed in their respective household. Gun control would be the “safe and Jesus-worthy” thing for the Johnson Center to do. Peterson explained, “It’s really just a hormonal imbalance thing. They’re trying to prove something to all of the other meat-headed assholes in there. In actuality, it’s unsafe for women and children, and those puppies need to be put away.” And like a bipolar polar bear, gun rights enthusiast John Barry countered Peterson’s argument. Barry has participated in several gun rights promotion events. The Sleeveless Shirt and Tanning Oil Rally on Nicklesville, and the Instagram Selfie Movement based out of The Hole are the most well known of these shenanigans. He’s been known to get pretty crazy with the protein shots on Friday nights as well. His only argument is “This is America, if you can eat 69 hot dogs in one sitting, you should be able to showcase what you got at the Rec.” Word, John. Word. “I blame Obama.” Barry said bitterly, “You would think that Obamacare would actually care about how to show off your toned arms. Come on man, we need them to protect our
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family and to compensate for below-average sex organs. The fact that our privilege to look like airheaded losers is being restricted is frightening. I may just move to Canada.” The topic has received a bit of national attention following the release of new regulations. On location reporters from several news outlets and a bunch of Asian students who were promised free pizza, were on location to spread the word as well. The pro-gun student group has already been hard at work fighting the laws. They’ve been selling puka shell necklaces and homemade hair gel in order to get more gun-owners over to their side. So far, the success of these methods has been inconclusive, but they’ve also decided to stake out
the Nerf gun section at Wal-Mat in hopes of finding more advocates. A proud gun owner, Rob Jenkins, was swayed immediately. Jenkins explained, “When I learned I wouldn’t be able to flex the pythons while hitting on the girl with yoga pants and daddy issues, I was like, ‘forget about it man.’ I have to be able to flex to make up for a small dick and shitty social skills.” The voters will get a say come next semester. But for now, we can all but wonder if we’ll see a ripped, tomato-looking man, flex in the floor-to-ceiling mirrors, with their guns locked and loaded ever again. Only time will tell.
Bartender of the Week Relationship Status: Taken
If you had to, you’d get elephantiasis of the…: I don’t know what that is.
Major: Family Science Favorite Drink: Manhattan Favorite Shot: Fireball Disgusting Drink: Four Lokos Where’s the weirdest place you’ve found yourself at 4a.m.?: Your mom’s house! What’s your spirit animal?: Cheetah… It’s the fastest thing alive.
Bailey of The Pub Drinking Game
Build a perfect sandwich: Chicken salad from Panera Bread.
What junk food flavoring would you bottle and package, if you could?: Salsa. What superpower has the most potential, from a sexual standpoint?: Jumpers – endless possibilities. Do you want daddy to make it all better?: Of course! Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because it’s funny!
Recipe for disaster
The 12 Shots of Christmas
5-Minute Sugar Cookies
It’s finally December and time to start getting ready for Christmas—even though the department stores took care of that weeks ago. Get a bunch of friends, a bunch of alcohol and put Christmas music on Pandora to get the party goin’.
Ever have one of those nights when you’re like, “I NEED SOME SWEETS ASAP OMGGGG,” but don’t have the desire to leave your apartment? Of course you have. We would like to present you with a simple recipe for a classic holiday treat that you can whip up in a matter of minutes. And if you’re short on the ingredients, ask your neighbors—everyone’s in the giving spirit these days.
What You’ll Need: RumChata, eggnog, peppermint schnapps, Fireball, tequila and 12 shot glasses. Number of Players: The more the merrier! Level of Intoxication: You’ll be feeling pretty jolly. How to Play: - Line up 12 shot glasses on a table and fill them with the alcohol of your choice. Feel free to combine them, too. (Hint: RumChata and Fireball, oh my God.) - Designate one player to be Santa. - Have all the players stand in a line or a circle— any shape really, just as long as you can make a distinct order. - The first person starts singing a Christmas carol (we suggest “The 12 Days of Christmas”) and stops after the first line. - The next person must sing the following line of the song. - If the person does not know the lyrics, says them wrong, takes too long of a pause, or does not make their best attempt to sing on-key, they must take a shot.
- Play then continues with the next person who has the sing the line that the previous player messed up. - Keep singing the song until you are finished or all the shots are gone—whichever comes first. If you finish the song with shots left on the table, start a new one! - When all the shots are gone, “Santa” determines who was naughty and who was nice. The “nice” people can pour and take a shot of whatever they like or pass it off to someone else. The “naughty” people are stuck taking a shot of tequila. No chaser. - Pick a new Santa, fill up the shot glasses and go again! The Game Ends When: You empty your bottles or someone pukes in a stocking.
You can also play this game with movie quotes by having the “Santa” pick a film, and the first person having to say a line from it. Then play continues until someone can’t think of a quote.
download our free app for all the games!
What You’ll Need: 2 and 3/4 cups flour, 1 teaspoon baking soda, 1/2 teaspoon baking powder, 1 cup softened butter, 1 and 1/2 cups sugar, 1 egg, and 1 teaspoon vanilla extract. Cook Time: OK, so more like 15 minutes instead of 5. Fatty Factor: It’s all butter and sugar, so you do the math. Let’s Get Baked: - Preheat your oven to 375 degrees. - Toss the softened butter and sugar into a bowl and cream until smooth. - Beat in the egg and vanilla extract. - Slowly blend in the flour, baking soda and baking powder. - Roll the resulting dough into small balls and place onto an un-greased cookie sheet. - Bake in the oven for 8 to 10 minutes or until golden brown. If you’re feeling extra-domestic, try adding in cinnamon, chocolate chips, glitter, whatever else Martha Stewart does.
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Guess The Coach
Do you know all of these college football coaches? Send us your answers to backpage@theblacksheeponline.com and if youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re right, youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll win a sweet prize!
madlib Spending my first year in a ___1___ apartment is
overall exceptionally ___2___, but there’s one thing I’m nervous about; grocery shopping. Usually ___3___ does that for me, picking up my ___4___ ___5___and bags of ___6___-flavored ___7___ patties so you can imagine how ___8___ I was when I stepped into ___9___. I was like… ___10___ is in the what section? I have to push this cart with, I can only presume, ___11____ residue all over it? Can I lick my fingers? No, I shouldn’t. I was overwhelmed and didn’t know where to start. I saw a wall of candy from across the store and ___12___ my way over 1: Popular apartment complex 2: Synonym for good 3: Push-over relative 4: Meat 5: Breakfast pastry
6: Type of cheese 7: Vegetable 8: Synonym for confused 9: Local grocery store 10: Basic vegetable 11: Drug
Grocery Shopping there faster than a ___13___ girl swallows a lemon drop. I stood in awe of the buckets of ___14___ and ___15___ and ___16___! Like a ___17___ in heat, I dived in___18___-first into one of those bins of ___19___ and nearly drowned in that sweet, sweet sugar. An employee resembling ___20___ had to yank me out, and a crowd of ___21___ were studying me with intrigue. While I was getting escorted out, I saw one dive into a bucket of ___22___ and got a concussion. Scary! So I didn’t get very far at the grocery store. Looks like it’s ___23___ for the rest of the year! 12: Verb 13: Sorority 14: Gummy candy 15: Type of nut 16: Weird grain or legume 17: Wild animal
18: Body part 19: Favorite candy 20: Old celebrity 21: Nationality 22: Hard candy 23: Crappy fast food
wordsearch
Your Medicine cabinet
Toothbrush Toothpaste Floss Mouthwash Band Aids Perfume Cologne Q Tips Cotton Balls Nail Clippers
Xanax Vicodin Adderall Aspirin Antacid Lotion Tweezers Thermometer Tampons Eye Drops
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