Vol. 3, Issue 14
The Black Sheep THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
F ME REE... MO RIE LIKE T S YO H E U M DRU ADE NKE THI N S YE A R.
4/24/14 - 4/30/14
YOUR SLAM, SAYING GOODBYE REBECCA ANDERSON WROTE THIS The semester is wrapping up and the thought of the upcoming break is the only thing getting us Wildcats through these last few weeks. Summer holds the potential for dancing on the bar at Atomic Café and binge drinking at the Newtown pool. Summer, on the other hand, does not hold the potential for you to be hung up on some guy or girl you’ve been bumping uglies with this past academic year. Trying to continue a semi- committed-friends-withbenefits relationship is just so last semester. It’s not that you haven’t enjoyed the cat-and-mouse hook-up game of finding each other at the end of any given drunken weekend night, or that one time you two had that locked Willy T. study room all to yourselves; but school is almost out, and let’s be honest, you don’t want to run the risk of catching feelings. So, your classes are scheduled, your summer job at Lexington Country Club is secured, now there’s only one thing left for you to do: it’s time to “break up” with this semester’s slam piece. It’s Sunday morning, and you once again find yourself waking up in his bed… naked. After stumbling across the room, still drunk, bending over and drinking water straight from the sink, still naked, you start searching for last night’s clothing. Your partner awakens just as you’re pulling your shirt down, and their facial expression shows that they’re just as confused as to why you’re leaving as any chemistry student trying to follow lab instructions from their Japanese T.A. No, you tell her, you won’t be participating in the routine wake and bake session followed by morning sex and watching Super Troopers, you’re going home to reevaluate your life and chug the rest of that week-old Gatorade left on your nightstand. After you leave without a hug or kiss goodbye, you walk out the door and climb into your best friend’s car and roll your eyes. It goes without saying that the beginning of the end has come-- just as you’re turning off the read receipts on your iPhone. The text conversations between you and your slam become infrequent throughout the week, and feeling the tension, they overcompensate with a plethora of Snapchats; all of which you open and then ignore, even though you added that video of Sarah bonging a beer to your Snapchat “My Story”
literally 48 seconds ago. After ignoring your slam all week, it’s finally Thursday, and you’re parched. As you prepare for the night ahead with that first shower beer, their name lights up across your phone, interrupting your blaring Rick Ross Pandora station. You answer, and quickly end that awkward conversation with a “Yeah, I just don’t really feel like going out.” That line really works great until it’s 1 a.m. and they run into you at Two Keys just in time to see you sucking face with your hot project partner from CIS 111.
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PROCRASTINATION, LIKE MASTURBATION
WHY THE END OF SPRING SEMESTER IS THE GREATEST
MASTER THE ART OF PROCRASTINATION AS DEAD WEEK AND FINALS SLOWLY CREEP CLOSER.
Things blow up, someone yells “I’m changing my Netflix password,” and the next thing you know, you’re waking up in your own bed, now officially single. You really wish that week-old Gatorade were still on your nightstand. Let’s face it, keeping last semester’s slam around during the summer months is much like using the original iPhone in the year 2014 -- you’re being held back, and that thing you keep holding onto just isn’t as satisfying as it used to be. So, Wildcats, as finals week approaches, and summer break begins, give your slam a hint and hopefully they’ll take it. Or you could just tell them you have chlamydia.
IT’S OBVIOUS SPRING SEMESTER IS BETTER THAN FALL, AND WE HAVE TEN REASONS WHY.
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PROCRASTINATION: LIKE MASTURBATION, WHICH IS ALSO A GOOD MEANS OF PROCRASTINATION LUCAS TROXELL WROTE THIS Finals week is coming faster than you did when you finally lost your virginity last week. In between the panic attacks and sense of impending doom, you’re probably trying to think of a few things to do to avoid studying. Ah, procrastination. No worries The Black Sheep, as always, has your back with a few ways to do just that. Start an anti-study riot: The past few weekends haven’t been the same without Aaron Harrison hitting a game-winning three, causing the entire student body to run to State Street in a mad frenzy. Shit got real, shit got burnt, and shit got fucked up. Riots are only way for UK students to have fun with their clothes on. Rile up an anti-study movement with chants of, “Hell no, we won’t know!” That’s a pun, which you’d know if you were studying, which you aren’t, so congrats! We expect to see a flash mob and several large couch fires in front of White Hall ASAP. Let all the horses free at Keeneland: Those milliondollar sacks of bones, delicious meat and hormones have lost you a lot of money. But maybe they just need a change of scenery to put them in the racing zone. The bowl outside of Willy T. is the perfect size and shape for a horse racing track. The slope might cause some problems for the horses, but hey, the world can always
use more glue. If you take advantage of UK students’ love of gambling and boozing then there’s not even a point in studying anymore. No one will study, no one will set a curve, no one will graduate. Figure out the Raising Cane’s secret sauce: Honestly, we can’t put our finger on why someone hasn’t already devoted a week of their time to figuring this out. Imagine how good a Spicy Beef Wrap from Ovid’s would taste with this shit on it. There truly isn’t a better time to go all Nancy Drew to crack this case than when you would do anything to avoid studying for your STA 291 final. If you’re clueless as to where to start on this life-altering quest, keep in mind Stone Cold Willow works at Cane’s. Do your thing, snow bunny. Start a Twitter war with Drake over being a bandwagon fan: Jimmy Brooks, oops we mean Drake, is about as committed to his fandom as you are to your HIS 355 lecture. Aubrey, “Bleeding blue” isn’t just a cute little phrase Kennedy’s puts on t-shirts around here. You, dear student reader, are better off using your time starting a Twitter war than you are studying for some shitty gen-ed. A few examples of how to start the feud could go as so: “Hey Drake, You need to Find Your
Love, we got more Trophies in this bitch than you got Grammys.”“We don’t need No New Friends in The Crew, just hold on we’ll take you home.” And our personal favorite, “Our Motto is winning, we Own It, you just need to Take Care cause even though you Started From The Bottom, we’ve always been at the top.”
Drinking beers on your front porch and making summer plans with your homies is what everyone does when they avoid studying for finals. No you, you’re special. It’s time you started thinking outside of the box with your procrastination.
LIFE LESSONS
LIMITED TIME ONLY-FALL 2014
1 MONTH FREE RENT
SENIOR REFLECTION:
WHAT BEING A KENTUCKY BASKETBALL FAN HAS TAUGHT ME
Rates starting
TAYLOR CARDEN WROTE THIS Graduation is right around the corner, which means that when May 10th graces us with its presence, a whole class of seniors will no longer grace this campus. It’s been a lovely ride at UK, but as those seniors travel to the Great Beyond Undergrad they will keep their UK Basketball memories closest to their hearts. So here is four years worth of wisdom gained from being a die-hard Cats fan. First and foremost, there are going to be victories, and you better celebrate them right. This does not mean fist-pumping the air as you sit in your faded Laz-E-Boy recliner watching the final, heart-pounding, jaw-dropping, pants-filling shot in front of your TV. That is how fake fans do it. Be a REAL fan and take to the streets, scream the CATS chant, tear off your shirt, light something on fire, grab a stranger and make out with them, grab a riot police officer and make out with them, take the riot police officer home and have victory lovemaking, have a riot police family, and take your riot police family back out into the streets to light more shit on fire. But remember: with great victories there are sometimes great losses. Sometimes our Cats will miss that shot, get too many fouls, or break their bones against the hard, unforgiving hardwood of the basketball court. Sometimes they won’t make their free throws. Actually, they will almost never make their free throws. But even in defeat, you are still a Cats fan. Recognize the loss by taking to the streets, lighting shit on fire, making love to multiple riot police officers, and screaming the CATS chant even louder than you did when we were winning, so that your drunken voice reaches even the darkest corners of the world where UofL fans lurk. Yes, Calipari is king, but his style of coaching means you won’t get to know his Knights of the Court for more than a year before they are whisked off the the NBA. When it comes to the players: don’t get too attached. Like the fleeting smell of sex and wine coolers in the summer, UK players float in on a breeze of glory, and float out the exact same way. Some still bask in the memories of Anthony Davis and his single year here, his bushy unibrow ruffling in the wind as he leapt to make a dunk. Gone in one year. And what about John Wall, whose fame led to that beautiful melody, “Do the John Wall,” which still provides frat party dance moves for wasted white girls? Also gone in one year. Cheering on our UK boys is a high that lasts only one season, but while they are here, you will drunkenly support them to the ends of the earth. Or until they get drafted to some NBA team that you will never watch. Young fans, being a member of Big Blue Nation is a privilege. It is an honor held by only those who truly love college basketball or truly love having an excuse to wear Kentuckyblue and drink on a Tuesday. And just as it’s important for our players to perform, we as fans also have to perform. So every season hereafter, heed senior wisdom and use it to your advantage. Don’t just tweet about being a Cats fan with your little blue heart emojis, go out and BE a Cats fan. Also, never wear shoes you actually care about while the Cats are playing. Someone will inevitably puke on them.
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ON THE STREETS WHAT’S THE WEIRDEST THING YOU’VE EVER PUT IN YOUR MOUTH? Ashley, Junior
“A dick... it’s pretty self explanatory.”
Julia, Junior
“Taaka vodka, freshman year can be rough.”
Delanie, Junior
“Gasoline, I was pumping gas and it started spraying on me, and some got in my mouth.”
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REASONS WHY THE END OF THE SPRING SEMESTER IS THE GREATEST CASSANDRA SHOUSE WROTE THIS
Although it begins with a winter that would make a Westerosi wince, the spring semester wraps up the year with two weeks of sheer bliss, bliss which includes a multitude of outdoor activities and oceans worth of beer. Here’s a list of those things that make the end of the semester the best. 10.) Daylight savings: We long for a Her reality, and don’t know what we’d do without our cell phones and the reminders they house. Without them, our stoves and microwaves would be the wrong time for a month or two after we decide to remind Mr. Sun what’s up. We do know that when we drag our defeated selves out of our evening class in Memorial. It’s actually still bright out. You have nowhere to hide, Foot Stabber!
A GUIDE TO LEXINGTON DRUNCHIES
9.) Warmer weather: At last we can dig our shorts, dresses, tanks, and tees out of winter storage, where they’ve been hidden away in the back of closets and drawers. It’ll snow the day after it’s 70 degrees, so don’t store that parka quite yet. But whatever, we’ll take anything we can get at this point. 8.) Porch drinking: Day drinking isn’t considered as sad if you’re drinking and people watching on your porch on Waller, instead of drinking inside, by yourself, cocooned in a million blankets, trying to forget there’s five inches of snow outside.
MEGAN INGROS WROTE THIS Hell hath no fury like an intoxicated Wildcat on the hunt for food. A night of drinking can really bring out the big cat appetite that you had been suppressing all evening so you could fit more beer in your food hole. However, just because the party ended doesn’t mean the night is over. We all have our favorite fast food spot to hit up after a night of drinking. But do you know what your drunchies are really saying about you? You’re a Groupie Ho: If you stick to Lexington traditions then you’re no Ho virgin. No matter how long the line, BBN ticket lotteries have more than prepared you for the patience required for waiting after hours at Tolly-Ho. Attempting to “act cool” in front of the cops also in line, you slur, “Hey misser, I know yew frumda riots! Besties pic, ‘member?” After your late-night bucket of beer, you seize the opportunity and start the CATS chant believing you’re best friends with everyone, you shameless social butterfly. Saved by Sonic: If you’re going to Sonic then that means you’re crawling out of Saddle Ridge, which means you’re the type of person who knows how to be ratchet. Bringing the party with you, the music is blasting in your car as you scream your order. You can’t figure out why it’s so hard to hear the worker at your window. Drunk and pissed off, you sit and wait for the softspeaking actress from Pitch Perfect to deliver your food. Being starved and looking for options to satisfy your indecisive cravings is making your embarrassing karaoke solo of a sappy country ballot a distant memory of hours past. Mad Mushroom Munchies: It’s no secret that Mad Mush is a Lexington favorite, especially after a night of avoiding bike cops. If you’re ordering from here it’s after 2a.m. and nowhere else delivers. This is fine, your drunken laziness has crippled your ability to move past your bed. While you’re waiting for the Cheesestix that you ordered for you and your new “best friends” that you just met a few hours earlier, you become that asshole who passes out before the food even gets there. You wake up to an empty Cheesestix box and $10 less in your bank account. Bang Bang for Your Buck: You have no idea how your tab at Tin Roof ended up maxing out your card. Unable to do the math in your head, you head over to Red Bang Bang with only a few bucks in your pocket with which to satisfy your hunger. You’re eating for what seems like a family of four, but you’re well prepared to shovel down the copious amount of food. So what if math has never come easy to you? You’re able to solve this simple equation: No money plus a lot of food equals a great end to the night, and that makes you a modern day genius. Your drunchies can reveal more about you then you know, but in the end we’re all just Wildcats looking for our perfect prey to devour after the appropriate amount of fuel (liquor) is consumed. Luckily, your favorite Lexington foods will always be around to cater to your late night drunchie experience.
7.) Thursday Night Live: Finally, the Fifth Third Bank Pavilion is playing host to one of the more fun events of the spring. Bars take their brews and bourbon outside to the street, live bands, and local vendors all cohabit in this one area downtown every Thursday for the most convenient and family-friendly pregame of the season. 6.) Legends baseball games: What’s better than an outdoor sporting event where drinking $1 beers and eating your body weight in 35-cent hotdogs is not only encouraged, but considered a tradition? 5.) Studying outside: Some students start to crawl out from under the rocks they’ve been hiding under; others migrate from the dark recesses of the Student Center, so now things look more like a college campus than a cold concrete ghost town. 4.) Seasonal beers: West Sixth and Country Boy start releasing their summer flavors which have you running to discover which citrusy shandy will be your go to beer for the summer. (Hint: It’s all of them.) 3.) Keeneland: You get to dress dapper as hell, day drink, AND a blow a little money on playing the ponies. Keeneland in April trumps Keeneland in October since you can get a little tan instead of a little frostbite. 2.) March Madness: Basketball, riots, SWAT teams, repeat. It truly is madness, and one of the greatest things about being part of Big Blue Nation. Hey, there’s always next year, right Coach Cal? 1.) Summer Vacation: Instead of winter vacation where you’re faced with decisions like, “What show should I binge watch on Netflix?” or “What textbooks should I burn for warmth?” you get to make awesome plans like trips to the Gorge or Bonnaroo. It’s better than going from imitation gruel to Ovid’s Spicy Beef Wrap.
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THE BAR GRID SPECIAL NIGHT
WEDNESDAY: $6.50 Pitchers 1/2 OFF Your total tab for anyone in the service industry! 10 PM til close
SUNDAY FUNDAY! Join us at 5 with 2 for 1 wells, $7 domestic pitchers and $4 Fireball ALL DAY!! FREE WIFI!
Enjoy Happy Hour Sunday - Friday! $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz. Drafts
Thursday 4/24
Thirsty Thursday! Happy Hour prices all night long!
College Night! FREE COVER, 2 for 1 Wells (including Jim Beam), $4 Fireball, LIVE MUSIC!! Follow Us on Twitter!
Happy Hour 3-7pm $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz. Drafts 1/2 Price Apps 3-6pm
Friday 4/25
Fireball Friday! $4 Fireball Shots
LADIES NIGHT! ALL NIGHT $2 House Tequila Shots & $8 Barrel Bowls! Live music and enjoy one of over 135 bourbons available in our Mezzanine Bourbon Bar
Happy Hour 3-7pm $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz. Drafts 1/2 Price Apps 3-6pm
Saturday 4/26
Say it ainâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t so Saturdays! $3.50 Bacardi Drinks $5 Bacardi Bombs Live Team Trivia at 8pm
OPEN FOR ALL UK GAMES! $12 GAMEDAY BUCKETS during the Cats game! House DJ at 9, LIVE MUSIC at 10! FREE COVER FOR THE LADIES! Ask about our TO GO beer!!
Join us for Happy Hour Sunday-Friday!
Sunday 4/27
Sunday Funday! $1.50 Rolling Rocks $6.50 pitchers
SUNDAY FUNDAY! Join us at 5 with 2 for 1 wells, $7 domestic pitchers and $4 Fireball ALL DAY!! FREE WIFI!
Happy Hour All Day! $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz. Drafts 1/2 Price Apps 3-6pm
Monday 4/28
Martini Monday! $3 Martinis & $2 Drafts Live Team Trivia at 7pm
Closed Except for Events... to book our venue please email harrison@pauliestoastedbarrel.com
Happy Hour 3-7pm $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz. Drafts 1/2 Price Apps 3-6pm
Tuesday 4/29
Tuesday Boozeday Double wells for price of a single!
OPEN FOR ALL UK GAMES! Closed Except for Events...to book our venue please email harrison@ pauliestoastedbarrel.com
Happy Hour 3-7pm $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz. Drafts 1/2 Price Apps 3-6pm
Wednesday 4/30
$6.50 Pitchers 1/2 OFF Your total tab for anyone in the service industry! 10 PM til close
FREE COVER, LIVE MUSIC @ 9! $3 PBR Tall Boys, $1 Shots of Kentucky Tavern, $4 Fireball shots!
Happy Hour 3-7pm $3 Wells, $4 Calls, $5 20oz. Drafts 1/2 Price Apps 3-6pm 1/2 Price Wine Bottles After 6pm
He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games than you could ever play.
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THE BAR GRID Happy Hour Mon-Friday 2-7PM!
THURSDAYS! Sounds by Nick Neesen $1 Fireballs, $2 Domestic Beer, $3 Premium Wells, $4 Bombs $100 Select Bottles
TUESDAY: $2 Wells Goldfish Racing
Happy Hour Everyday 4pm - 8pm: 2-4-1 Wells, $2 Tall Boys PBR and $4 Long Islands
SPECIAL NIGHT
Happy Hour 2-7pm 2-4-1 10pm-1am with Live Music!
Sounds by Nick Neesen $1 Fireballs, $2 Domestic Beer, $3 Premium Wells, $4 Bombs $100 Select Bottles
Punch Out with R&B Sides Live
Live Music! 2-4-1 Wells
Thursday 4/24
Happy Hour 2-7 Live Music
Ladies Night! 5pm - 2:30pm No Cover for Ladies
Live Music! $4 Fireball
$4 Bombs
Friday 4/25
$6 Pitchers until 6pm
Come party at Trust!
Come Party at Two Keys!
$3 Domestics, $3 John Walls
Saturday 4/26
Closed Except for Events (Twitter Party, Graduation, Etc.)
Closed
$1 Shit Cans
$3 Mimosas $5 Bloody Marys
Sunday 4/27
Happy Hour 2-7pm $1.50 Bud, Bud Light, Ultra, $2.50 Imports and $10 All You Can Eat Wings Starting at 7pm, $1 Can Beers
Closed
$1 Wells
$1.50 Bud Lights $10 Mason Jars
Monday 4/28
Happy Hour 2-7pm: Half Off Nachos Live Trivia, $2 Domestics, $4 Wells, $5 Bombs at 7pm
Closed
$2 Wells Goldfish Racing
$2 Domestics, $2 Gatorade Shots, $7 Pitchers
Tuesday 4/29
Happy Hour 2-7pm $6 Pitchers, $5 Quesadillas at 7pm
Closed
Happy Hour All Day
Trivia Starting at Midnight $2 Domestics, $3 Fireball 12 to Close
Wednesday 4/30
ten People You’ll See at This Summer’s Music Festivals tex mex wrote this
Well, it’s about that time of the year again. The time when millions of prospective concert-goers spend an arm and a leg on weekend-long summer music festivals without the slightest idea of who’s slated to perform. The pre-festival hype period is a time where parents’ bank accounts are mysteriously emptied of $300, old and new fans alike bitch and complain over whether or not this year’s lineup for a fest is complete shit or not, and drama ensues as you try to figure out who in the hell out of your friends is cool with driving to the stretches of the nation just to see someone you missed at a club show a month ago. Whether you’re an arrogant prick who hates humans and prefers smaller venues, or an obnoxious self-proclaimed hippie who loves nothing more than taking drugs at “festies” and shitting out rainbows, if there’s one thing we can all agree on, it’s that festivals bring out the most diverse group of people outside of a UN meeting. Bonnaroo, Lollapalooza, Pitchfork, Firefly, Electric Forest – doesn’t matter – be on the lookout for these 10 people who you are guaranteed to see, whether you like it or not.
ten people you’ll see at this summer’s music festivals 10.) Girls Wearing Flower Crowns
4.) The Kids who Pass out on Alcohol/Drugs
For whatever reason, coating their arms with badges of honor from every festival they’ve gone to so far isn’t colorful enough, in spite of the mold that’s growing on that Coachella bracelet. Flower crowns seem like a way to say “I’m earthly and care about nature” or some bullshit that would normally take a trending Tumblr image to explain. That’s at least all we can come up with, because there’s no way in hell that these things are actually being worn because they look good. Still, we’d take a ring of plastic flowers from Hobby Lobby over the majority of things that people dress themselves with at EDM fests.
Look, we’re not stupid; we understand that no amount of “just go to festivals for the MUSIC” PSAs aren’t stopping anyone from bringing along their favorite vodkas and illicit drugs. It’s a festival, for crissake. But you’d be hard-pressed to find someone who’s totally okay with some high school grad puking on his shoes halfway through a set from drinking warm Natty for three hours. The same can be said for people who roll a little too hard during the day. Too much ecstasy won’t leave as big of a mess, but no one likes the guy lugging his half-dead girlfriend out of the crowd, screaming as if this was a surprise to him.
3.) Younger Kids with Noise-Canceling Headphones on 7.) Someone Bitching about being Pushed and Shoved in a Crowd
Also known as the person who gives off a stark “Ugh…” as you try to assert yourself to the front of the stage, this is generally someone with a big enough sense of entitlement to put a teenager from SoCal to shame. For whatever reason, the fact that festivals are events designed for hundreds of thousands of people to occupy the same area at once isn’t something that registers for this poor soul who thinks a gentle tap on the shoulder is equivalent to being “like, so totally fucking rude…”
We’re not knocking this at all since we’re so used to seeing the effects of bad parenting every time we walk past Perry’s Stage at Lolla. There’s nothing more heartwarming than seeing younger fellas enjoying themselves with responsible parents who actually don’t want their kids to become deaf at the tender age of six. We’re not really sure how an environment filled with alcohol and pot fumes really meshes with this, but goddammit, they’re trying.
6.) Someone Trying to Validate their Taste in Music... at the Actual Festival
9.) The Saint who has a Spray Nozzle Attachment for his CamelBak One of the defining pastimes of music festivals is watching college kids braving 90-degree weather without water because they think they’re immune to heatstroke. When you’re packed like a sardine against thousands of sweaty, sticky people, the dude who sacrifices his own water supply for the sake of cooling off his sun-burned comrades is like God himself raining down from heaven. This guy usually dons a fishing cap with a smile, too. So, for as much as your passive aggressions build up dealing with drunken kids passing out, you’ll at least have one person to not loathe for the day.
“Oh, you actually wanna see Mumford & Sons over up-and-comers Hippopotamus Shits, who are clearly superior than that radio-tier garbage? Yeah, I’ll be over at the No Fun Stage where all the more low-key, experimental acts are for the day.” This is also the type of person willing to openly berate others for their choice in festival, often citing that “X festival is too ‘commercialized’ these days and that nobody goes for the music anymore.” This person derives their superiority complex from so-called open-mindedness, all the while sucking Pitchfork’s metaphorical dick.
8.) The 30-something-year-old Dude Who’s Only There for His Favorite Alt-Rock Band of the 90s
2.) The Towering Behemoth who’s Your Ticket to the Front of the Crowd
Not all of us were granted the God-given attribute of breaking the six-foot barrier, and that makes snaking through huge crowds more intimidating than progressive. For the vertically challenged, the train pretty much stops when you hit a wall of people who are more inclined to beat the ever-loving shit out of you than passively grouch at your advances. Enter the behemoth, otherwise known as the dude who’s getting to the front whether anyone likes it or not. Latching onto one of these suckers is a lot like being in a school of remora attached to a shark: The big dude won’t really care, and you’re safe from anyone closing gaps on you. What are they gonna do, tell your new, hulking friend that you can’t move up?
One of the select few at the fest who actually has the means to buy a ludicrously priced ticket, this guy is here for one reason and one reason only: to catch his favorite rock act from back in his teenage days, a group who’s just gotten back together or “one last tour.” Usually well-sun screened, sporting cargo shorts, New Balance gym shoes, and a black shirt that proudly displays the band’s logo, he’s completely okay with sitting on the grass hundreds of yards away from any actual stage. He’s a nice guy, just don’t talk about the band. “What’s your favorite song?” will quickly turn into “How would you analyze the band’s aesthetic moving from genre-togenre within their entire catalogue, EPs included?” real fast.
5.) The VIP-bracelet Noblemen who Look Down upon Us Peasants from their Golf Carts
Even when tickets sell out faster than you can spam “F5,” no one in their right mind actually considers spending the extra thousand dollars for a VIP pass. We’re too poor to dabble with that sorcery, but we assume that whoever’s riding on a VIP pass definitely is a “very important person,” or at least knows someone important enough to have a shit ton of cash. As they golf cart to and from the air-conditioned VIP lounge, all the rest of us “standard 3-day” people can do nothing but wallow in their awesome might … and lament on the fact that we’d honestly rather joy ride in a golf cart for three days than feel the heat of the sun and buyer’s remorse pelting us from above.
1.) More Bands You Don’t Care about Than Ones You Do
It sucks, but it’s true. From the moment the day-by-day schedule comes out and conflicts knock your lineup of a whopping 50 acts to a measly 15, you’ll realize that you’re not going to see your favorite headliner up close without sitting through at least 3 or 4 bands that you’d rather drink paint than watch. If the mediocre lineup reveal jumpstarted that buyer’s remorse, this is usually the second helping. The Black Sheep understands that heavy drinking is hazardous on such hot summer days, but you’d better drink up at this point, because that two-piece indie folk band isn’t getting better anytime soon.
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BARTENDER
Favorite Drink: Mai Tai Favorite Shot: Tequila Disgusting Drink: Mai Tai What’s the best summertime drink?: Mai Tais
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What’s the first thing you hope students will do when they’re done with finals?: Drink, hopefully. If you had a clone, what would be the weirdest thing you’d make it do?: I’d make it bartend for me, so I could drink Mai Tais.
OF THE WEEK Kyle of Tin Roof
If you were named mayor of Lexington, what would be the first thing you’d do?: Put a basketball arena on campus.
If you could have something named for you after you die, what would it be?: A statue of David, or a Greek god. What’s the worst prank you’ve seen someone pull?: There was this guy who put a bunch of cyanide in punch and they all drank it, and they died, it was all over the news. Assuming you had to get a tattoo on your forehead, what would it be?: LOSER What new slang word are you tired of hearing?: “Phat” What 90s nostalgia is criminally underrated?: Fanny packs Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Cause it’s phat!
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